111. Dave Attell, Jared Freid, Na'im Ali | Heroics

Before we start today's show, Story Warriors, you should know me and Big J are always on the road. Come see me this weekend in Portland, Maine at the Empire Comedy Club. Next Saturday night on September 26th, I'll be at the Brokerage Comedy Club in Belmore, New York. After that, I got Rochester, North Charleston, South Carolina, and more. Plus, we're going on the road together. Story Warriors is coming to a city near you. We'll be in Austin, Texas. There's a few tickets left for the late show on October 28th. And then we're going to be at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles on November 4th and 5th, right before we make our way to Skankfest. Get those tickets for Skankfest to watch three Story Wars shows live in New Orleans at skankfest.com. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com, for all the other tickets. And you can go to bigjcomedy.com for all of my dates. I have Cleveland Hilarities on deck, Emerald City Comedy Club in Seattle. First time coming there in a long time. Timonium, Maryland. So much, so much more. Look for a city near you at Big J. bigjcomedy.com and get your tickets. See you soon. All right. Let's start the show. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars. Give it up for the Story Warriors, Big J. Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez. Yes. It is true, everybody. We are here. Make some fucking noise, New York City. Make some news. Make some news, New York City. Make some news. Make some news. Shoot your guns in here. There. Judges spent the weekend in Norway. Make some news for your students. Make some news, everybody. Make some news. Ooh. Make some news. That's a lot of news. Well, it went away quick. It wasn't. It became Irish quick. Look, what are we? Sold out like 75 weeks in a row here at the New York Comedy Club? Holy shit, dude. The cabin is. As you guys don't know. 1,500 tickets. Yeah, people that don't know at home how large this comedy club is. It's the largest comedy club in the history of the world right here. It's fucking crazy. This is our world record. We're going for a world record now. Yeah, dude. Fuck you, Shane. Fuck you, Nate. Where's my camera? How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Nobody even. Nobody wasn't familiar. Who are you booing? Dude, this guy's got an in utero Nirvana chest tattoo. You seem too young for that. That's so weird because I have a naked baby tattooed on my arm, which is pretty crazy. I have a full Dave Grohl on my back. I would have said Chris Novoselic. Yeah, I made a good choice. Good ref. Good ref, doggie. It's a very simple game. If you're unfamiliar with it, we'll explain it once we get our amazing panel of contestants up here. Our first contestant with a record of 0 and 1 here on Story Wars. He has a brand new Netflix special called Family Plan available. right now. Go watch it. It is the hilarious Jared Freed. Thank you. Great to be here. Thank you for having me. So happy to have you back, Jared. You haven't been here in probably a year and a half. The first time we did the Nashville Comedy Festival was the last time you were on Story Wars. Yes, I love this. I'm just happy to be a part of the Gas Digital family. I'm doing, like. the wash. You know, some people do, like, the Tonight Show at SNL. Yeah. I do, like, this and. The Real Ass Podcast. Yeah. Part of the problem with Dave Smith. Yeah. This is, like, the poor man's wash. Yes, it is. Which I'm proud to be. This is the taboo. Howard Stern's only doing one show a week now. Right. So this is pretty much what you got. This is it. So it's great. It's great to be here amongst all the people who smoked weed in the parking lot before here. There we go. Hell, yeah. Dude. One of the most aggressive pothead ever. That was crazy, sir. No other potheads act that way. That was nuts. That guy got the wrong blunt. Yes. Our second competitor, this. He's got a record of 0 and 5 here on Story Wars. That must hurt. That laugh must have hurt when he's in the wakes listening to that. He's fine, dude. It was embarrassing. He likes coming from behind. He's an underdog. He's got an amazing podcast called The Do-Rag and The Deer Tag. Plus, Naeem Ali saves the world. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Naeem Ali. Hey, what's up, guys? Naeem, we're so happy to have you back. But full disclosure, the reason we're starting 25 minutes late is because we, for the last time in the history of Story Wars, invited a black guy on the show. It's never happening again. This is it. This is a history-making show. This is a $1 bet that you would show up on time. And guess who bet on you? Guess who bet on you, Philly? Damn. My bad for letting you down, Jay. I'm sorry. My bad. But here's the thing. I thought y'all was lying to me. I thought y'all was putting me on CP time. Like, oh, he's going to be late. So we're going to lie and say that it's starting at. So you thought we told you 7.45 and you were like, no, they're lying. Yes. Yes. Then I call him at 7.48. I was like, where are you? He's like, I'm at the stand. I was like, you're supposed to be here right now. He's like, oh, really? He's like, all right, I'll be right there. Then 15 minutes later, I call him. He was like, yo, I went to the wrong New York Comedy Club. There's too many New York Comedy Clubs. That's crazy. Why is there so many of them? There is too many. There's absolutely too many. There's too many. Yo, and Philly is one helium. It's one punchline. It's one next in line. Why would you name it the same thing? That's dumb as fuck. That's stupid as shit. Pick a different name, yo. It shouldn't be New York Comedy Club. Comedy Club on 24th Street. Because anything else. That's crazy. But I'm sorry. I apologize. I watched. I watched Naeem run in, and he had the weight of a culture on his shoulders. I did. Didn't I apologize to you when I got up? Yeah, he apologized to me. He was like, no, I'm sorry for my family. I'm like, I'm so sorry for all of the black people that have ever been late. Please. Yeah. These people are all just like, classic. Of course. Last but not least, our final contestant with an 0 and 3 record on Story Wars. He has a new live show called Dead Man's Merch. You must go see it. See it live. And his special on Netflix, of course, Hot Cross Buns. How about it for the legend, the hilarious Dave Attell. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hell yeah. It's great to be back, guys. Thank you. Thank you for being here. I got to tell you, I just saw a cool thing happen, I think. But it does show how old we're all getting. Is I'm pretty sure when I said, the legend, the hilarious Dave Attell, and the place went nuts, this young lady definitely asked the guy next to her, why does everybody give a shit? Yeah. But that guy leaned over and he goes like, no, this guy's like the motherfucker. And she went, oh, all right. And then she got into it. It was awesome. Immediate fan. Please, let me earn it. Please. That is fair. That is fair. I don't want to set it up. I also was going to be late. I was walking around Times Square with two knives. And you haven't done the two knives dance? It's all over TikTok. Doing your little two knives dance at Times Square? Okay. Oh, yeah. If you are not familiar with the game Story Wars, or it's your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and myself, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? Heroics. Ooh. Stop looking at Serafina, you creep. The lovely Serafina. Got him. You got a fucking hot girl right next to you, dude. You're staring at Serafina. Jeez, dude. You got somebody. She's fantastic. Yeah, dude. How dare you eye fuck Serafina like that? Piece of shit. That was crazy. He almost pulled his wiener out. Did you see that? Man, we got to get an audience cam. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read off eight of those stories one at a time in no particular order. It's going to appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story up here, that is an opportunity to get four points. Do not waste that opportunity. You could have one story in a row, two stories in a row, three stories in a row. You could have zero stories. They're all randomized by the production team. So we don't know. They don't know. You don't know. Once you put your answer right here on the tablet and slide it over, that is it. Your answer is locked in. You cannot change it. We don't have the technology to do that. Wait. And I'll tell you right now, we're going to have so much fun. Listen to you fucking pervert. We're going to have so, so much fun. She's a child, a hot child. Oh, my God, dude. Get your eyes out of Serafina's perfect tits and fucking focus on the, her beautiful childlike tits. I'm trying to explain what this fucking minor's tits are not what this show's about. The fuck is wrong with you? Sure, they're an element. They're an element. And her tits are fun. The tits are fun. The game's fun. We're going to have a lot of fun, but we're not playing for fun today. Jay, let them know what we're playing for. This week's winner. Well, every week here on Story Wars, I got wrapped up in the tits game. Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner will take home The Batman Who Laughed by Scott Snyder's Jock. Wow! The Batman Who Laughs is the best name they could come up with for a villain who is essentially part Batman and part Joker. In this comic, Bruce Wayne faces a nightmare version of himself from the dark multiverse. A Batman infected by. Multiverse? Yeah. Multiverse. That's how I do it, though. Multiverse? That's weird. Nobody says multiverse. Yeah? That's how they say it on the internet. Do you say multivitamin or do you say multivitamin? I say multivitamin. I say multivitamin. That's why we're different. We are. That's right. Hell yeah. Multiverse. A Batman infected by the Joker's toxin who has Bruce's intelligence and skills but none of his morality. Wow. Wow. I need this. I need it. So, it's a graphic novel, right? Mm-hmm. All right, it's idiot-proof. Can I take a look at it now? Absolutely. See what I'm going to get? Take a peek. See what I'm going to win? Keep your eyes on the prize. Don't get attached, Dave. It's not yours yet. Look at this. How many pages do we got here? Look at all that. Oh, yeah, that's a lot of pictures. Oh, my golly. It's mostly pictures. That's all pictures. Yeah, well, those books are made for the autistic and fat. Nice. This is a must-have for every incel out here. Absolutely, dude. Read this. Read this before you shoot up your local bank. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Maybe you find a reason to live. All right. I think everybody who's going to get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. Is this crowd ready for war? New York Comedy Club, 3,600 people. Are you ready for war? Well, then, Alex, why don't you do us all a favor and hit us with story number one. Story number one. I intercepted a pass and ran it for the game-winning touchdown during a high school football game. All right, it's Naeem or Jared. It is 100% Naeem or Naeem. No, but I'm telling you, Naeem, though, it wouldn't be like the holy shit I did. He's dead. Black guys do this every game. That's not a holy shit story. But this might be Jared's, like, holy shit. But, Jared, I don't know if he's a defensive, like, a cornerback, like, secondary guy. I must look very thin tonight if you think I'm a cornerback. I don't know. I'm saying I don't think you are. But you're dressed for a football game right now. A defensive lineman. Oh, I never, I played, and Louis will back it up, I just never played organized football ever. No. Neighborhood always. Oh, wait, well, it doesn't say, oh, yeah, high school football game. It says high school football game. Yeah. I never played high school football. Hey, Naeem, you know, I know that you've never been to a comedy club before, but use your fucking microphone. Sorry. He shows up 30 minutes late, and he's like, I'm just going to not talk into my microphone now. When it's his story, that's his tell. He just puts his microphone down. No, no. Coward people time, coward people microphone technique. Yeah, I thought that I talked loud enough where I didn't need it, sorry. Hell, yeah. But what I said was he probably was 170 pounds in high school. I can see this being you, bro. I would never brag about this. This ain't shit to me. Can I tell you something that's a fact? I wake up hungover and do this, bro. You see what I'm saying? That's what I think. I think this isn't a moment in Naeem's life where he's like, holy shit, this is my moment. He did this on the way to get some pussy. Yeah, for sure. Like, he ran in by accident and snagged the ball and fucking deked and dodged a little bit. So the reason I don't think. And then he fucking played a bass solo. Bro, I would. And then he got some pussy, and he drove to the girl's house in her car. Yes. Damn. Bro, bro. Damn, he's black. Bro, before high school games, I would smoke a backwood and drink Henny before games and score three times, nigga. Yeah, the only reason. And with some easy shit. Never ran full speed, bro. Never ran full speed. The only reason I. You weren't trying to sweat before the party. Yeah, fuck no. The only reason I don't think this is Naeem, because if it was Naeem, he would have been too late to accept that pass. No, but in my story. He would have shown up the next day. No, no, no. No, but in my story, he came in. This is the end of the game. It's the game winning touchdown. So this is what he is. He came in late. He threw his thing. He goes, I'm just going in right now. This play. He ran from the parking lot into the field, snagged it, went down, and then fucked the coach's daughter. Yes. Yes. She's a fat pig, but he did it because the coach is always coming down on him. Lewis, I'm on time to a football, Lewis. I'm on time to a football. This is Naeem or fucking Jack. I hate this 50-50. Hold on. Hold on. Didn't you see how athletic Dave was when he waved his handkerchief? That is true. That's true. That is true. I am being unfair. But Dave, did you play any organized sports growing up? Well, I don't like how I wasn't in the conversation. Like I was waiting for a ride back to the home. I did a lot of things. Yeah, your niece is almost here. Did you play organized sports at all? Did I play organized sports? No. No. I did baseball until like a certain, you know, 15 or something, and then I stopped playing that, and everything was neighborhood sports. Yeah, when Dave was in high school, they had leather helmets and no pads. Yeah, no pads. No pads. We're going to win the game, see? This is back when all girls had to play because they were shipped off to World War I. Who's part of the Peaches? The Georgia Peaches? The Georgia Peaches. You see, this is, I think the answer is in the question right here, which is high school. Now. Did you graduate high school? I did, I did. I did, but I was a goth kid. Not goth, I was semi-goth. I did, but barely. Eyeliner, long hair, musical theater. I was not playing any organized sports. Well, I'll tell you this. I went to a school. What the fuck was that, you bitch? He didn't. There's no reason to laugh. It's true. The guy doesn't play any sports. That's crazy. Some woman just laughed at my face. That was disrespectful. I played unorganized sports always growing up. Never organized. Except for baseball, which was, that's not a football, intercepting passes. Hold on, is it not? It's not. I'm thinking. But this was a high school football game, so I never played a game in high school. When I moved my senior year to South Jersey, the school did have a football team, like actual sports, and I joined. And then when they told me that I wasn't going to be the quarterback, that I would be offensive line, and then the guy told me. Wait, how much did you weigh during this time? 305. 305? And you thought she was going to be the quarterback? Well, I knew I wasn't going to be. I knew I wouldn't be the starter because I saw a blonde-haired kid who was thin throwing passes. So I go, it seems like you've already got him. I thought maybe a fucking third down running back. I wanted a glory position, you see. When they put you in offensive line, I just, by the last day of hell week, I faked an injury just to go like. Yeah, just to get out of there. I was like, no, I'd rather just go play neighborhood versus neighborhood and be the quarterback. Yeah. And that's when Jay was diagnosed with reverse body dysmorphia. That's right, everybody. It's really, dude, it's Shane's favorite story of mine that when I went in, I told the coach, he goes, he was joking. He came up to me and he goes, so he goes, is this your first time doing organized ball? He goes, what do you want to, he goes, what position do you want to play? And I went, well, it looks like you guys already got your quarterback over there. So like, I went, I went, I went, I don't know, like tight end. And he went, he goes, I'm kidding, dude, you're offensive line. Yeah, right. And I went, what? I go, no, dude, there's no glory in that. I can't spike the ball and do a fucking cool fucking. Yeah. Suck my dick, dude. Fuck that. I went home. I went right back to my neighbor. Guess what? For Valleybrook fucking apartment complex, I was the starting quarterback and I was fucking pro bowl numbers. Nice. There's a movement of fat white guys that's like, bro, we got good arms. For real? And you guys made us play offensive line. Yeah, bro, there's a movement. I seen it. I like that. It's the Boogaloo guys. You know what I'm saying? About those Boogaloo guys. When you're too fat for a militia, that's when you know you really have to. I got, I'm throwing a Hail Mary here because here's, it's 50-50. So it's a coin flip. And on the only educated guess I'm putting on this is that this doesn't blow. This is not Naeem's mind of like, this changed my life. This was part of a night. Yeah, this is not heroics. This is just a thing I would have done. Are you really picking Jared? How bad are you at this game? It's so obviously Naeem. This is crazy. Fine, Louis. I'm saying Naeem and I'll vote first and you better pray to God. Or I think you're in cahoots. Jared is my answer. He's going to get so many points. No, I'm kidding. Naeem. This could be Jared, dude. This could be the greatest moment of his fucking life. Yeah, Dave, I think you might be right. Can I tell you why? Please. First of all, there are some Jews that can catch a ball. I think he's on this table. Yeah, I agree. I know some good ones. white defensive backs, bro. There you go. I'm sitting next to one of them. The math team or accounting team or football thing going there. I don't know. Everybody's in, Alex. Story number one belongs to Jared. No way! Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Good on you, bro. He had Jared locked in. I'm sorry, dude. It was so obviously Naeem. It was not even a hung jury here. Man, I feel bad for you. I'm telling you, a black guy doesn't. This is not the biggest moment of his life. A black guy who had an interception to win a high school football game is already a father of two. There's bigger fish to fry. Yes, that's a thousand percent true. That's something he has to do every game to get to college so he can go to the pros to fucking get his goddamn kids in the college one day. My first kid was born when I was 16, nigga. You thought I bragged about that? I didn't give a fuck about doing shit like that. You got your racism all wrong. You need to lock in, bro. I let this fucker take my instincts away. He grew up in a white neighborhood. You grew up with us, nigga. Don't listen to him. I fucking said to your face no black guy would be hyped about the time he got the game-winning touchdown. Sure. That's why he's bust into that school from another neighborhood. Right, yes. To do that. Yes. Jared, tell us a story. Goddamn it. Listen, my confidence has never been higher. Sure, dude. This is the greatest moment of your life, for sure. Naeem's Tuesday is your fucking greatest moment. That's right. High school, junior year, I was a defensive lineman, intercepted a ball, ran it back for a touchdown, and then I found out how everyone felt about me on the team because in the locker room during the game, during halftime, everyone kept going, Jared Freed scored? It's what the movie. Jared! They thought it was the most unbelievable thing that ever happened. I'm like, I'm pretty good. It's what the movie Rudy is based off of. Can I say something, though? It says game-winning touchdown. You got the game-winning touchdown before halftime? What a shitty game. Hold on. I am still Jewish. I know how to tell a story. All right, okay. And 14-7, that was how the game stood. Okay, okay, nice, nice. It was 14-7 after that. Very defensive game. Yes. That's an important touchdown. Not a lot of Naeems played in that game. Oh, gotcha. And by the way, if there were a defensive battle. If there were, this wouldn't be the greatest moment of his life. Yeah. God damn it. God damn. Fucking Lewis, dude, that sucks. Never listen to me again. I haven't. I've fallen off. You've gotten better at the game than me. Listen to your instincts. Trust your heart. Trust your heart. Get the fuck off me. Don't touch my bling, dude. GLD. GLD, dude. Coming up big. Shout out GLD. Shout out sponsor GLD. Real gold in every piece. Dude, that's real gold. Hand set stones. Oh. It's an heirloom piece that my daughter will take when I'm dead. One story down. Give us our points. Tied for first place with two points each, Jared Freed, Naeem Ali, and Dave Attell. And should be big GLD. Oh, I can feel that Batman already. Oh, yeah. Alex, that's going to be a sweet, sexy Batman. Story number two. While watching a friend perform, some Jason Momoa lookalike started threatening a random nerd behind me. I intervened and told the nerd to leave while I argued with Jason Momoa. When things got heated, he told me the nerd had raped his roommate. I apologized for breaking up the argument. We then tracked down the nerd and jumped him. Dude, it's obviously Dave Attell. What? Dude, Dave Attell does not like nerds. Well, first off, what a slam on the Samoan community out there. I really. I couldn't even begin to guess who the fuck this is. You don't even know who's the hero in it. That's really. Right, yeah. Is it. Yo, yeah, who's the. It's like a giant. Was that funny enough for you, you fucking bitch? Yo. She seems sweet. Based on the story structure and references, this is a Lewis written all over it. Yeah, I was thinking Lewis. Listen, the behavior is Lewis-like. Nerds and cool kids. This amount of writing is not. Especially a sober Lewis. There's commas. There's multiple sentences. Can I write less good when I'm sober? Dude, there's. Bro, the word rape is in it. It's Lewis. Yeah, Lewis does love rape. It says rape. That's a good point. If it says I raped the roommate, then. You know what? Sorry, I was the nerd in this story. You know what? My. All the behavior is Lewis. This is not his style of writing. It's a lot of words. There's punctuation. There's references. I don't. Lewis would say. Damn, maybe it's Jay. This is what you do, bro. Look, Jay. You do references and commas. I do, but Jay. Can I tell you something? I'll be honest with you. I find a way around arguing. I find a way around arguing with the Jason Momoa. Yeah, you're not in a hothead. I don't. And again, my personality does not feel that I'm the guy that if I fucking am into it with a Jason Momoa-looking guy, that he's gonna go, dude, chill, chill, chill. This guy raped my roommate. Right, right, right, right. And then I go, okay, then you're lucky. Yeah, you're lucky. So it's like. I'll tell you right now. And I'll be honest with you. All my life, I've never jumped anybody in my life. It's not Jay. It's not Jay. Jay doesn't watch his friends do things. Yeah, that's true. You know what? Jay's not watching his friends perform. Yeah, when you guys do comedy, he's doing something else. He's smoking. I do. I get word that there's Gas Digital 30-minute specials out. Go watch them now on YouTube. Lewis is supportive. I'm super supportive of my friends. I will tell you right now, this is not me. I'm getting a Naeem vibe. There's only two people here on this panel that would jump somebody, and they're both brown, and that's me and Naeem. Jason Momoa. Hold on. Does Jason Momoa look alike? Naeem wouldn't say Jason Momoa looked alike. Why wouldn't he? Yeah, I would. I would say Rico Suave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, some shit like that. You know what, dude? I'm just going to go with my gut because I'm feeling it. Well, hold on. Damn, that's an early vote, bro. That's an early vote. But hold on. We started 25 minutes late. But you know what? I saw. It's technically a late vote. That vote should have gone in 20 minutes ago. Would you mind getting me another White Claw and some popcorn? I missed my dinner time because of Naeem. Come on, y'all. God damn, I'm sorry. This is a hothead we're not bringing up. Did anyone else see how aggressively Dave waved his handkerchief? Oh, fuck. It could be Jared. That's true. First of all, if this was my story, I would have said some kind of Mexican. Not Owen. What is that? Who is that? Is that real? Some kind of Mexican. Naeem, here's the thing. Naeem knows how to fight. He's from the hood. And I'll tell you what, Naeem is the type of personality that if somebody was getting. Fuck you, Jared. Yeah, he's going too hard on me. He doesn't call anybody a Jason Momoa lookalike. That's you. You're going too hard on me, bro. It's you, Louis. I mean, I'm getting Naeem vibes all the time. Naeem's so happy right now because he's collecting points right now. Look how happy he is. Look at his face. By the way, he is happy. He can't even contain his smile right now. He's downright giddy. But no matter what, he's gotten some good points already. He's got some points. This is definitely Naeem. You guys just wasted your time. You wasted your fucking votes. Jay, you know the story about me, yo. Now I tell you something. Now I know it's you, you fink. Man, look at him. It's him. I haven't said the word fink in my life ever. But you're a fink. By the way, how weird. That guy's shirt is tattooed on that guy's chest. What are the fucking odds of that? Dude, I think your girlfriend has to suck that guy's dick. I think she has to. I think she has to. That's crazy. I think she has to. Dude, put your fucking glasses on. Serafina's walking by you, you piece of shit. Serafina, thank you. Thank you, little girl, for bringing me my popcorn and drink. Now go back to coloring in the lines. I'll take you for ice cream if you color all within the lines. This guy, though. Dave, what are you thinking over there? This is Louis. I can feel it all the way. He loves a good beatdown. It's you, you fuck. Louis loves a good beatdown. You should have put your own name on there, bro. You should have put Louis on there. Oh, no, you can't. Yeah, you can't. You thought you did. I was like, did I? I was so upset that I had the ability to do that. Was I that smart? All right, Alex, all of our answers are in. Make everyone feel stupid as fuck. Story number two belongs to Naeem Ali. Hell yeah. I fucking love Aquaman. I love Aquaman, bro. Once again, my racism fucks me. 'Cause I go, "Naeem doesn't know who Jason Momoa is." You forgot all about Aquaman. I love that movie. Fuck! Why did I never talk to you about the Marvel Universe? I see. So, name, give us some more information here. What happened here? We was at a comedy festival, and Drew Montana was on stage. And some guys started arguing with some nerd, and they were loud as fuck. So I walk over there. I'm like, bro, what the fuck you doing? I didn't realize how big he was until I got over there. And I was like, bro, what the fuck are you doing, bro? I'm like, dog, get the fuck out of here with this. And I looked at the nerd. I said, yo, run. He's going to beat the fuck out of you. You need to run. And the nerd started running. And then the guy was like, what? He was like, what the fuck are you doing? He was like, he raped my fucking roommate. Can you stop directing this at me? I'm sorry. You didn't rape anybody's roommate. I'm sorry. I'm not the nerd or the rapist or the Momoa. You're right. I'm sorry. I just wanted everyone to know. You're right. I am doing all this towards you. I'm sorry. But anyway, he's like, that guy raped my fucking roommate. And I was like, bro, my bad. Let's go get him, nigga. So the guy, the nerd. The nerd had a lightsaber. So he was running through the forest. And all you could see was the lightsaber. So we tracked him down easy as hell, bro. And then we got to him. And I didn't have any animosity towards him. So I hit him once. And then I looked at the guy. He was destroying him. And I was like, I'm just going to leave. And I just left him out there in the forest. And they did whatever they did, bro. But I think he might have killed this guy. But I never saw this guy ever again. You did steal that lightsaber. So there's something about that story which starts with Comedy Festival in Montana. That's what I want to know. Yeah, that whole thing was great. Right by the oil rigs. Yeah, we just set up a stage. Alex, two stories down. Where do we sit with our points? In last place, with zero points, Big Jay Oakerson. Good. Good. I'd have two. You would have two. Tied for second. Tied for second place with two points each. Louis J. Gomez, Jared Freed, and Dave Attell. Oh, I'm still in it. I thought I'd be out by now. Louis tried to do gay stuff with me once in Canada. Tried. I was never going to say anything. But he's made me so angry today with him fucking my night up. I didn't try. I succeeded. You had to try to get it in. I don't have an excuse. You are tight, dude. Yeah, dude. I had to breathe into it. Sorry, Alex. I learned a real lesson that night. Alex, I'm sorry. And in first place with five points, Naeem Ali. Yes. Tonight's my night. Good night. Ooh, that's got to feel good. 0-5 record. That's got to feel fucking great. All right, Story Warriors. Let's take a quick moment to thank Brunt Workwear for supporting the show. We love Brunt Workwear because they make the toughest gear out there for real tradesmen for any job site. I'm not a blue-collar guy, but I love wearing my Brunt Workwear boots. I'm glad the fall is here again because it's boot season again. You're a brown-collar guy. Dude. They have the best, most comfortable boots I've ever put on in my entire life. If you're on the job site, these are the ones you're going to want to wear to work every day because they feel like a nice old pair of broken-in sneakers. And guess what? If they're not perfect, you can send them back for a full refund. That is a 100% risk-free trial, Jay. Pretty fucking dope. And again, I'm a big boot guy. You know this. These things look good. They look good and feel good. It's amazing. The second you put them on, it's already like they've been worn in like somebody else wore them, which is peculiar. But I don't think they have anybody wear them before you do. But it feels like they did. I'll do a little research. But you work too hard to be stuck in uncomfortable boots, so Brunt built something better. Boots that are insanely comfortable and built for any job site. For a limited time, Story Warriors can get $10 off at Brunt when you use the code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, at checkout. Just head to Brunt Workwear.com. Use the code WARS with a Z, and you're good to go. All right. Let's take a quick moment and thank HIMS for supporting the show. Look, if you're older like me, I'm 44 years old. I need a little help in the bedroom, you know? And I'll tell you right now, HIMS gets the job done, okay? HIMS, they have treatments for ED. And if you want to just get that little extra oomph, if you've been with your girl for a while, guess what? You probably don't enjoy banging her the same way you used to. You need a little bit of help. HIMS, in my mind, is holding my hips and pumping them forward. That's how much they got me. And it's very easy. It's all done online. You don't have to go to the doctor. They actually connect you with a licensed healthcare provider on the internet, and you can access legit ED treatments options from home. They ship them right to your door, discreet packaging. Nobody's got to know. Lewis, your whole personality has gotten better since you've gotten rid of that little limp noodle. Now that you're boning up, like, on the regs, you're a different person. A different person all completely. And it's not even coming out of your pocket that heavy. It costs 95% less than the brand name version. It's simple online access to personalized affordable care for ED, hair loss, and so much more. Go to HIMS.com slash wars with a Z. W-A-R-Z. W-A-R-Z. That's H-I-M-S. HIMS.com slash wars with a Z. Not available in all 50 states. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Sildenafil is a generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Vitrus Specialty, LLC. HIMS is not affiliated with or endorsed by Vitrus. Fall is right around the corner. Around the corner story, Warriors, and fall is busy. So when you're ready to clock out, do it with our friends over at Indicloud. Indicloud has everything you need to unwind the season. Energy gummies to get you through those stressful PTA meetings. Zero calorie THC sodas while you're watching the game. Crisp pre-rolls and premium flour for enjoying the fall leaves. Plus, extra strength sleep gummies when you just need to rest. They do have everything. They sent me a little dabble to try of all the products they have. And I've not had one yet from Indicloud that hasn't done exactly what it said and really been fantastic. The pre-rolls, fantastic. The sleep gummies, unbelievable. Dude, the sleep gummies I absolutely love. I'm not getting high right now, but I'll take the CBD sleep gummies all the live long day. This is legal, federally legal THC. This lab test is delivered right to your door. Okay, you don't have to go find a Puerto Rican in an alley. You don't have to go wait in line at a dispensary now. You can simply just hang out at your house. You don't want to leave your house anyway. You're home. Hi, you're a pothead. All you want to do is sit on your couch. Well, guess what? Indicloud. You want to sit in the couch. If you're 21 or older, go to Indicloud.co. That's.co, not.com, you fucking stoner. Get your mind out of the clouds. Leave off that last M for, mmm, I love Indicloud. Use the code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, for, check this out, 30% off your first subscription order. And it's Indicloud. Whoa, man. What? No way. Fuckin' way. Shut up. Did you guys hear that? That's 30%. Indicloud.co, code WARS for 30% off. Your subscription ships regularly and discreetly and free shipping on qualifying orders. Once again, that is Indicloud.co, code WARS for 30% off. All right, where were we? Alex, story number three. Story number three. Every time I see a woman accidentally expose herself publicly. Big J, sorry. Dale. Sorry, finish the story. I'm sorry. But it's definitely gonna be Big J. Every time I see a woman accidentally expose herself publicly, I stare for as long as I need to create a mental picture. Then I approach the woman in a concerned tone to let her know she's hanging out a bit. She thanks me. Am I the hero she needed? Or the hero she deserved? Hey, yo! This is great! Who wrote this? I mean, I said Big J in the beginning, and then she finished the story, and then I was like, it's definitely Big J. Why? No, it's me. I don't, yeah, you know what? I don't, I don't think it is you. No, I think it's Dave. It could be a tale. It's Dave. Well, I don't like how it turned out. I don't like how it ended, kind of like a riddle there. I don't like, I am the hero she needed, or the hero she deserved. I think, come on. You're right. That might be, that is you, man. That's what you would do. It sounds like an excerpt from the Batman graphic novel. It does! It does. That's definitely a long time ago. Who can actually go up to a live woman now and say something like that? I don't know who can do that. Right. Lewis would. He's void of consequence. He does feel like a bad guy. He's like Lewis to me, weirdly. And to tell a lady, hey, you're hanging out. Hey, fix your fucking blouse. You're hanging out. Hey, close your legs. Your pussy's hanging out. That's crazy, bro. Who would do that? I don't see Dave approaching a woman to tell her what she's hanging out. But I do see, you know, Dave is a mix of creepy and respectful. What? Yes. This has Dave. What's creepy? I gave myself to him. The fuck? We lost four people? What the hell was that? I think you're trying to. Oh, OK. So what? I think. What? Oh, dude. What are you? Israel deserves to exist. Yeah, what are you, fucking homophobic? What are you, hate gays? Wait a minute. Is that? That's the Jason Momoa guy. I didn't know he was going to be featured in the story today. What? My friend Carol Kennedy recommended it. Sir, sir, we don't actually care. Beat it. Beat it, you faggot. We don't care. We don't care. Oh, wow. I want to hear. Get the fuck out of here before I have my 13-year-old son beat you up. Stop, shut up, shut up, shut up. No, sir. Let her speak. What did you say, sir? I didn't hear what you said. I'm sorry, please. Your friend suggested it? Yeah. Where are you from? He Irish. You Irish, huh? I respect that, bro. Yo, Conor McGregor, bro. Well, Naeem, I'll be honest with you. I'm having a feeling that you're the problem, sir. Yeah, I understood, understood, understood. The show's so good. What could you. What did you do possibly to enjoy more than this? It's gonna Jay say. What the fuck's going on in Ireland? It's gonna Jay say some gay shit, bro. Yeah, that's probably it. Irish people don't like gay shit, bro. That leprechaun would have sucked my dick the second I asked. Double down, double down. Story Wars, Dublin. What are we thinking? Oh, hell yeah! Oh, yeah. Hell yeah! Did somebody say Dublin points? Yeah! There can be only one Highlander edition. Story Wars. The winner lives forever. And you gotta do all gay stories so that they get uncomfortable. 100% gay stories. And also about their ugly pig women. Yeah, you had to go fuck your pasty girlfriend? Fuck off, buddy. Oh, hey, I have to get my woman home before the sun comes up and she explodes. James, James, go beat the shit out of that guy right now. James Lewis is your father? Go fucking murder that guy. Yeah. Take a spork from the fucking bar and stab it right into that guy's heart in front of his girlfriend. Let her know. No, I think it was something else. The air conditioning threw them. I really do think. They're not used to it. That's true. They've been here since. It's so chilly in here. What is it? True. They've been here since fucking. World Cup. They're all fucking. They're all gassed out on Costco. He said, not my cup of tea. Like, that's the gayest way to say you don't like something. Yeah. Yes. Not my cup of tea. It's definitely the most fucking Irish way to say it. Yeah, like, what the fuck, bro? All right, back to the show. It's not my lager. Back to the show. I mean, this is either Big J or Attell. This is the vibe that I'm getting right now. Yeah, you know what? I know who I got. I know who I'm going with. Big J. Well, that tells me it's you because Dave Attell's not walking up to a woman and being like, hey, miss. No. He might. He might. The only reason I'm saying it might not be Big J is because I don't know that Big J would say something to her about her hanging out. No way. First of all, I don't. No, J's not doing that. I don't like what's going on here where you guys are accusing me of living on the street. And that's what's happening. Hey, lady, you're in my house. Cover your noughties. No, I feel good. You're putting me. I feel good. I'm walking in, Dave. No, Louis ain't doing that. He's not doing that. Dave's not walking up to some fucking lady and being like, miss your pussy's hanging out. Dave might not. He's correct, bro. Once people become legends, they do whatever they want. He's saying whatever he wants to anybody. You believe Dave Attell walks around consequence-free in the world? Hell yeah. He don't give a fuck, bro. Big J just played everyone like fucking fiddles. And if that Irish guy would have said it, he would have loved that reference. Oh, he would have loved that. Fucking guy left to it. Oh, my God, dude. He would have loved that. Dumbass. Hell yeah, dude. Middle Earth. Big J. He just threw it to me as people were starting. It was a beautiful play, Big J. And I'm actually proud of you. Now I do think it was J. For getting all those points. Yeah, now I do think it was J. Big J is my final answer. And I'll tell you why. Because Big J, lately, his stories have been ending with very punchy, like punchlines at the end. Yeah, look, he can't even help it. Look at him. Dude. All of our answers are in Alex. Who's story was story number three? Damn, it's J for sure. It definitely is. Look at yourself. Story number three belongs to Big J. It's a good one. Fuck yeah. Fuck. God damn it. It's pretty simple. Dale. You're in a place like Austin, Texas, New York City. There's always some girl on Halloween crying with her fucking snake. That's hanging out of her dress. And then I smoke a cigarette. In American spirit, seven minutes. I drink in every lip, every bigger lip than the smaller lip, every fucking thing, the hood, the whole deal. Until I can draw it from memory. And then I go over her and I go, sweetie, sweetie, you're a pussy. And she goes, oh my God, thank you so much. I go, I know, right? It's okay. Ah, yes. True hero. Yes. I could never see this happening. Yeah. They're actually, I don't know if you guys. Am I the hero she deserved or the hero she needed? Right. Yeah. Listen, I stopped real creeps from looking at her pussy. You guys, you guys might not know this. They are, I forgot, they're honoring Jay at halftime of the Giants game for his heroics. It's part of the ring ceremony for the Knicks, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a big deal. They're going to slide me in. Alex, give us our points. All right. Tied for fourth place with two points each, Jared Freed and Dave Attell. Brutal. Oh. Brutal. In third place with three points, Big Jay Oakerson. Back in the mix. In second place with three points, Big Jay Oakerson. Four points, Luis J. Gomez. Oh, my God. Oh, Louis just dominates this game. Cheater. Miss, go. Yes. We got another runner. It's all right. Okay, Ben. Number one or number two, miss? Listen. All right. Number one, beautiful. Prove it. Israel deserves to live in a peaceful place where they're not constantly threatened by surrounding forces. Wow. Dude, do you think this guy is one of the fans that wants us to both have sex with his girlfriend? Which guy? This guy here and that girlfriend there. That beautiful man with that hair back there? Yeah. Oh, wait. I guess you're right. The better question is, do you think this is the kind of girl that wants us to both have sex with her boyfriend? We would. Okay. All right. Good. You know what? Say no more. We're good. Move on. That's why we're losing the Irish, Jay. All your fag talk. This is why the Irish keep leaving. The Irish keep on leaving our goddamn show, Jay. You can't keep it in your pants. Alex, three stories down. Story number four, please. Story number four. I have given the Heimlich maneuver three times in my life. Twice on my own mom. It's Dave. Dave. That's Dave. Yeah. This is Dave. This is Dave. This is Dave. This is a Naeem thing. I know. What? Never. So hold on. Let's see now. Why? Because he still lives with his moms? Come on, Dave. No, I don't know about this one. I mean, who hasn't done the Heimlich maneuver at all? Oh, yes, Dave. For sure. You've never done the Heimlich maneuver? No way. Miss, I envy you. Oh, I envy you. Yo, you're the funniest person on the show. This is the funniest I've ever seen somebody be guilty. Who in here never did the Heimlich maneuver? Nobody? Is it just me? No way. So I've never done the Heimlich maneuver, but I did give mouth-to-mouth to Jay's mom a few times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in fairness, she was drowning in fucking cum. No, no, no. He had to. Before she aspirated it. Yo. Sorry to use that. I'm sorry to use medical terms. Hey, bruh. As my Irish river would say, easy, laddies. Yeah. Those Irish people hated this show. I think. That was crazy. By the way, to walk out in the middle, it's like, what's it going to be? Another 45 minutes? New York goes till 4 a.m. That's right. They were at 847. They were like, yeah, dude, enough. Yeah. Two stories. Two stories they gave it. You can get pushed in front of a subway train anytime. There's no need to rush out. Dude, that guy had this show. Dude, I hope somebody lights them on fire on the subway. Oh, dude. It happens two or three times a year. I hope it happens tonight to the entire world. We can only hope they get fucking emulsified on the train tracks. We can only hope. David Tell puts Jared Frieden. Why Jared Frieden? How much not fun would he have it? Everybody's ignoring you, bruh. What happened? Jared lives with his, he's like with his family all the time. I assume it would just happen the two times with the mom. Does your mom change? Choke a lot? We already did the mom fucking jokes. Not mom fucking, but maybe your mom's just like, you know, a confused drunk and chokes a lot. Does she eat fast? This is a, this is a David Tell. Yeah, God damn it. No question. I believe him. My human lie detector is chiming in. Dave's also at the age where you start telling stories that make everyone sad. So this kind of fits. "Don't go, don't go!" "What are you, Irish, you fuckin' cocksucker?" Holy shit. What a way to clean house. This never happens at midnight. That was the hottest Irish woman I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, he said, "Are you Irish?" She said, "Yeah." "Hot lady." Look, hot ladies don't answer you, they go. They just, "Hell yeah, bruh." Dave, before I put my vote in for you, 'cause I'm really thinking of you, I'm thinking of you. Fuck that, Nick, bitch. You love your mom, you regularly. She's still here. She's still here, but. Because you're so good at the Heimlich maneuver, probably, how, tell me, explain to me how this is not you. First of all, I'm gonna say one thing. You guys think because I write very quickly, very short, to the point, and it's no Gettysburg Address, like Jay's. Gates. The fuckin' Iliad that you put up there. The prologue's important, I think. What did you want to ask me, Lewis? I was like, "Explain to me how this is not you." Okay, well, look at these little hands. All right, for God's sakes. God damn it, Dave Attell. You're not built for the Heimlich. Yeah, you can never do the Heimlich, bruh. Dave Attell's my final answer. Oh, come on, guys! Alex, all of our answers are in. Whose story was story number four? Story number four belongs to Dave Attell. Sorry. The gig. the gig is up. You got me, fellas. Well, let me take you through it, okay? Can two people leave as I talk? Now, um. Get out of here, you fuckin' Mick Castle-dwelling fuckin' pieces of shit. We're going to Ireland next year to do the show. Now I don't want to, but you have to. And I'm gonna fuckin' fight every one of you. I'm gonna sword fight, Highlander style. Sorry, Dave. You have to. Okay, so, uh, my mother, who's old, right? Evidently a doctor. The doctor told us she has a very small throat. I don't know what that means. That's the nice thing to find out about your mom. Yeah, that's the best thing to know about your mom. I know. The best thing. So, uh, I'm giving her the Heimlich, and, uh, I did it twice on her, you know? Once, uh, you know, um, the way you do it. The other time, missionary. And, uh. What was she choking on? What? I don't know. Oh, no, it was a birthday at a steakhouse, and she was choking on some steak. And I did the Heimlich, my sister did it. None of us could get it out, and then a stranger stood up, and, like, boom, he did it right away. She's like, "That's my son. I want him to be my son." My hero, Jason Momoa. Uh, four stories down, give us our points. All right, in last place with two points, Dave Attell. Great. Oh, that book is so far away from me now. In fourth place with four points, Jared Freed. Jared! The Jews are not doing very well. This is, like, October 7th all over again. Oh, my God. In third place with five points, Big J. Oakerson. In second place with six points, Luis J. Gomez. And in first place with seven points, Naeem Ali. And in third place with 17 points, Jason Momoa. And in third place with seven points, David Tell. I'm playing Des Moines, Iowa in a couple weeks. Just go to my site, davidtell.com. And all I want to say is thank you guys for showing up for me over and over again. I love being on the show, so thanks for having me. Yeah, Naeem Ali. Yeah, follow me on Instagram, Naeem to underscore Ali. Check out Do Reg and the Dare Tag, funniest podcast on earth. And when you leave here, go to the stand. They're pissed because I'm not there right now. Yeah, so when you leave here, go to the stand. I had a show and whatever. Hell yeah. Jared Freed. I got a special that came out this week on Netflix. It's called The Family Plan. Yes, awesome. It's awesome. Check it out. Awesome. It's a one-hour story about going to the beach with my parents. My dad asked me how much I weighed in 2018 on the beach. And that's the whole show. Hell yeah. Dude, you got a good thumbnail. When you go over on Netflix, it gives you a funny part, dude. Oh, yeah? Thank you. I appreciate it. It's all about my parents and stuff. Yeah, just watch it. It's just Jew shit. Deal with it. We're here. Big J. BigJComedy.com for all my dates. It never ends. Look for a city near you. And of course, listen to the bonfire of Faction Talk Series XM. Now, 137, I think? Yeah, it changed. It'll be the same on your phone. It's a fucking touch dial, but we changed the fucking numbers. But me and Bobby Kelly, four days a week. And of course, the flagship show right over here at Gas Digital, Legion of Motherfucking Skanks. Watch the Kevin Hart roast. I did that. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com, all my dates, all the podcasts that I do, all the links that I have. Make sure you buy my book, Knives and Spoons. The audio version actually will be out now when you're watching this episode. So get the audio version on Audible and wherever. The whole audio book is me doing an impression. Of Lewis. That's true. It's great. And then make sure you guys subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love the show, we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show. If you watch this on YouTube, there's a bunch of ads. Everything we're saying is being bleeped. All this. It's not the way to enjoy the show. We do crazy shit. We actually killed Irish people on tonight's show. We couldn't show it. We couldn't show it. You couldn't even. We had to bleep the word kill. So just so you know. For Christ's sakes, me and Lewis are going to Eiffel Tower this guy. And if you want to see that. Simply to sexually satisfy. His physically abusive bitch girlfriend. So go to GasDigital.com. We have apps for iPhone and Android. There's an on-demand library. There's probably 100 episodes that are no longer available anywhere else. You can only get them at GasDigital.com. Uncensored, ad-free, pre-release on all the episodes. We have a great racist live chat you can be a part of. And just go to GasDigital.com and use the promo code WarsWithAZ. You save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly. We have a bunch of live dates coming up as well. We're going to be in Austin, Texas. We're going to be in Los Angeles, California. We're going to be out in Europe and England and Dublin and Scotland and fucking Amsterdam doing this show. So look out for Story Wars on the road. And let's get back to the show. Hell yeah. Well, Dave, I see you almost scooting your chair right off that stage thinking you're not even involved in this game anymore. But I promise you, you're very much involved. Well, let me tell you something, Jay. While all of that plugging was going on, I signed a lucrative deal for my own podcast called Not My Cup of Tea. Now. Oh, no! Basically. You've already got your first super fans! I think you saw my co-host leave earlier. I just take him. I take him around the city. I show him things. He tells me if it is his cup of tea. If it isn't. Hey, there's a guy shooting heroin into his foot. What do you think? Not my cup of tea. All right, we're moving on. The only thing he liked was Joe's pizza. Weird. What an asshole. Well, Dave, I want you to know you and everybody in this game are very much alive. Because for the second half, the final four stories, we, of course, here at Story Wars, go double points. Oh, yeah! Thank you, Roots! It's a very simple concept. Beforehand, if you fooled somebody, you go, oh, yeah, I'm going to go double points. After that, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points. That now jumps up to double points. That's my new one. I do double squirts. I do come hit their motion and then double explosions. But over my shoulder, I'm not taking it on the face like some fucking fat pervert. What am I, a fat pervert? Suck my dick. Alex! Story number five. Story number five. Some random guy pushed a fellow comedian on the floor and started yelling, I'm going to fucking kill you. I walked up behind him and put him in a full Nelson and carried him out of the club. I have this story in a few different ways. I mean, I say, this is Lewis telling the story. He goes, one time there was something going on at a comedy club. I had to exact revenge. Revenge. Justice needed to be served, which I feel too, but I've never put anybody in a fucking full Nelson. I do a half Nelson into a suplex. Buddy, I know. You're all about transitions. What's the difference between a half Nelson and a full Nelson? This is a half Nelson. Nelson, full Nelson. He locked the hands behind him. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. So, look, I have versions of this story. Jay, with you, I've specifically protected you from being attacked in Pennsylvania. Look, I didn't fuck you and that guy up. Oh, yeah, at Soul Joe's. At Soul Joe's, we got pulled off stage. You almost got murdered. Yeah, dude. I landed on top of the guy and was trying to rip his cheek off of his face, but Louis fucking, in a pure sign of brotherhood, when the guy yanked my foot off the stage, Louis went on this. People think that you always, in that story, push you. Are you the guy and you push me off? Yeah. No, Louis ran up on a six foot high stage and jumped off throwing a wild kick. So, we together, upon landing, thank God, magically I landed safely. Well, no, here's what happened. He grabbed Jay. It was during the pandemic. We were outside. He pulls Jay by his leg. Jay's doing a crowd board calling his sister a slut or whatever it was. You know, doing what he does. You just catch the entire story on Dogbelly. There's my special on YouTube. So, the guy pulls Jay off the stage. Oh, shit. He's got to go pay child support. It's quick. He doesn't earn an app. It's like two seconds. He'll be back. He pulls Jay off the stage by his leg. I run out because I see it happening. I try to kick the guy. I miss him. Luckily, the guy just pulled Jay on top of him like a refrigerator. And Jay just landed on top of him. Fucking Christ. Yeah. And then me and Louis started wailing on him and then the fans pulled us off. The fans started macing him. Yeah, they go. The fans went, dude, we got it. Let us handle it. And we went, okay. And then we laid off. Yeah. For sure. And then the fans beat the shit out of the guy and then the cops came and arrested the guy. It was awesome. It was. It was so awesome. So, anyway, the point is I would do something like this, but this is not me. And it's not me. I'm the guy who needs my friend to full Nelson the guy because he's attacking me because of my hilarious comedy. I'm not sure if Naeem was trying to lead us astray by asking you the difference between a half Nelson and a full Nelson. No, dude, I told you. I had to go pay child support. Yeah, bro. I don't know fucking wrestling shit. A guy who knows Jason Momoa definitely knows wrestling shit. Good point. He doesn't know full Nelsons. Was Jason Momoa a wrestler? He's. Ha! You thought he was The Rock. He's not The Rock. I know my son. I saw henna tattoos and I was like, that's it for me. So, Jared, I mean, you're a big guy. You've been doing comedy for two decades and like that, right? Sure, but this isn't. I wouldn't defend a fellow comic. I don't know. You caught an interception in school, to tell you the truth. That's true. Can I tell you? I'm taking this on just the idea. Lewis and myself, I can't speak for the three of you, but Lewis and myself. We are protecting people. Take this as a compliment. We're crusaders for justice. We believe in justice and we wanted to see it get enacted as fast as possible. No? It's not me. Oh, that doesn't mean. I'm saying it's me or you and it's not me because I've never full Nelsoned anybody in a comedy club, but you're an act first, think second lunatic. I wouldn't full Nelson. If I got behind somebody, rear naked choke all day long, every time. This might be before you. This might be before you were trained by YouTube. I'm going to say Lewis. Before YouTube told you what a rear naked choke was, I'm going to say this is you, a young you. I saw you fighting a nigga outside the creek in the cave, a nigga with an afro, and you was fighting this nigga, bro. Afro ninja. Yeah. I thought you were going to say something different. This is story wars. Jay really got out ahead of this one. I don't know. Jay's really pushing. That guy's not leaving. He's Irish. He has to. He has to get to his shift at Trader Joe's. He got the Trader Joe's shirt. He had on a. So I'm not going to take that. I'm not taking that as a loss. That was a guy. He had on a Trader Joe's shirt. A guy to get to a. Sorry, Jared, Jared, what were you saying? I think Jay's some. Jay knows a full Nelson. I might do this for sure. I know a full Nelson for sure. This wasn't you going up from the front. This is from behind. Yeah. So you're saying I'm a coward. I would only get behind. Yes. Sure. No, but Jay, you. The type that would get. Yanked off a stage might go up from behind. I've. Listen, I've protected people at comedy. I've protected Steve Byrne at a comedy club before. I've done. But this. This isn't me. But, I don't know if everyone knows this, Dave Attell, former state wrestling champion. Oh, shit. I didn't know that. Is that true? No. But. I think we would all know the story by the time Dave Attell fucking full Nelson. I couldn't believe how much everyone believed that. Yeah, bro, what the fuck? What? Yeah, he was a lightweight? What are you guys talking about? The game is moving. You walked in with a handkerchief. Is it? No. The game is moving too quickly for me. I'm just figuring out my iPad. Now. I thought I was ordering something online here. Okay. I'm going with Big Jay. Jay, stop dancing around it. You're a lovable lug. Whether you're telling a woman her pussy's out or you're helping a guy out on the ground. Yeah, that's your thing, bro. You like the whole. No, people. You are the Mr. Beast of that shit. I'm getting a Big Jay vibe as well. Big Jay. Me and Big Jay are a similar thing. If somebody was physically. He's trying to. Jared. You already judged it. He's trying to turn you. Yeah. I picked the wrong person. It's either. It's Big Jay or Naeem. You picked the right person. Or it could be. Dude, it could be Jared. It could easily be Jared right now. Jared saying me makes me think something. He looks sneaky, bro. You are sneaky. Jared's not a pussy. I don't. This is getting anti- Semitic very quickly. I don't like. I almost didn't call you a sneaky dude, bro. You think it's okay to blow up a fucking hospital with children in it? I don't know. I heard it on Bill Maher. Audience, what do we think? Is this Big Jay? Is this Jared? You're saying it's me. Fuck you, buddy. It's not me. You're saying Jared? Is it Naeem? It could be Naeem. Full Nelson, half Nelson. I only have an Uncle Nelson. Ah, shit. Lewis didn't vote yet. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. Shit. Idiot. You might be right, Naeem. I don't know. You know what? Do your own thing, bro. Big Jay is my answer. It doesn't matter to me now. I feel like it's not you. It was the acting at the end that he kind of did this, ah, shit. A little too much. A little desperation at the end to try to get some more points. A little too much. I hope it's you for that fucking little fanfare. A little too much. Alex, whose story was story number five? Story number five belongs to. Naeem, all of you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes! Hell yeah. Naeem is very good at this game. You know who I learned from? The move you pulled in the beginning of that, when you asked him the difference between half Nelson, full Nelson. You see that, bro? That was fantastic. You know who I learned that from? Lewis J. Gomez. Wow. This guy's the master. Wow. You trained your own replacement. The student becomes the teacher. Yes. I finally. 0 and 5, and then I finally learned, bro. 0 and 5, and I finally learned. It was literally the same bones as the other story. It was him attacking somebody in the audience that was fucking with the show. So tell us the story. What happened here? We was at Helium Comedy Club one night, and some nigga was in there, and Brian Six was at the bar, and the nigga came behind Six. He said, he pushed Six on the ground, and Six hit his head on the bar and fell. He said, pussy, I'm gonna kill you. And I'm like, wait, Six, my home, I don't know this nigga, and I put him in a Ford Nelson, bro, and carried his ass outside. I put him in a Ford Nelson camera, and then I pushed him, and he was like, he was like, yo, what you doing? He was like, I hate that motherfucker in there, and I said, you can't be here, nigga. Get the fuck out of here. He's like, that's my roommate. That's my name story. He's not gonna brag. By the way, on the way to that, he caught a game-winning interception. Yes. Yes. Yep. On the way to that situation, he caught a game-winning interception. Didn't even think about it. He goes, I gotta get my boys getting fucked with. Yeah, and bro, look, I was one year into comedy then, and the GM at the time was Ray, and she was like, I don't know where security was, and then she looked at all the bartenders, she was like, from now on, he gets free drinks whenever he comes in here. Nobody even knew me, bro. Nobody even knew me yet. I was just a guy. Naeem, you are living the American Negro dream. God damn right. Hell yeah, bro. The American Negro dream is for him to swim back to Africa. The American Negro dream, alive and well. I really thought this was gonna be way easier, considering how multicultural. You think we're just gonna give away the Batman Who Laughs, which arrives in Gotham with a disturbing plan. Bring home the bodies of Bruce Waynes that he has killed in alternate universes. But unfortunately for Bruce, nobody knows how to destroy Batman better than the Batman himself. Ooh. I gotta be honest with you, this is the first time I kinda want the book. I'll be honest with you, if I get this, I'll thumb it. I will. 100%. This is the first book I ever wanted, bro. The first book on this show that I've been like, if I have this, I might keep, I might hang on to it and be like, I'll throw it out another week. And take it from somebody who's 0 and 5, I've done almost as many episodes as these two motherfuckers, bro. And just lost all of them. 15 less. So I've seen all the books, and this is the best book. By far. Hey, Story Warriors, let's take a second and thank our sponsor for today's show. And that is Ultra Pouches. We all have vices. God knows I have mine. Some of them are buried in the woods. But what if your lip pouches didn't need nicotine? Ultra Pouches get you that same rush, but in a much cleaner way. They're designed for mental clarity and enhanced focus. They're nicotine-free and caffeine-free, but they are packed with a blend of beneficial nootropics and vitamins. Ultra Pouches get you focused and energized anytime, anywhere. It's the boost of a nicotine pouch, but without all that side effects, the dizziness, the stomach rumbles. It's all clean energy, sharp focus, and they taste amazing. Yeah, they really do. I'll tell you right now, I love them. I use them literally every single day. I watch everyone popping the nicotine pouches or the caffeine pouches in, and I feel like I'm being left out. Well, guess what? I'm already taking nootropics, okay? They have alpha-GPC. I was taking alpha-GPC and B12, which are two of the ingredients in Ultra Pouches. I don't have to take them anymore. It's just an easy, simple way to do it that's delicious. You get to feel like you're one of the cool guys. It gives you a little bit of a little freeze in your lip, like you just gum some cocaine, too, which brings me back to the good old days. It really is great. Ultra is truly the ultimate guilt-free pouch, delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. Story Warriors right now can use the code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, to get 15% off at TakeUltra.com. That's TakeUltra.com, T-A-K-E-U-L-T-R-A.com. 15% off with the code WARS. Go give them a shot. You'll love them. TakeUltra.com. All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. This is my company that I started a little more than a year ago, and it is taking the functional coffee world by storm. You're already drinking coffee every morning. You might as well take something that's actually good for you. Body Brain Coffee is real Colombian coffee packed with functional ingredients like lion's mane, ashwagandha, tonkat ali, and l-theanine. So you get the caffeine you want, plus ingredients designed to support focus, energy, and performance all in one cup. It's absolutely great. Now, Jay, I know you don't love coffee, but we also just launched the Body Brain Creamer, as well, which is great. It's a completely separate stack of nootropics and adaptogens. Lewis, whatever you make, dude, keep making products. I will continue to shove them up my ass. No matter what they are, you will shove them directly in your ass. Keep going, dude. I love it. Keep going. Your new Body Brain dildo. Well, that's the way. The best delivery system for it is a Body Brain dildo. Oh, yeah. Dude, a syringe anal dildo is not a bad thing for you. If you want to get me behind something, get it behind you. The creamer is packed with incredible ingredients. It's made with. Coconut milk powder, C8 MCT oil, collagen, cordyceps, rhodiola, and Ceylon cinnamon. Tastes great. It is dairy-free. It is sugar-free, so it's keto. It's easy to mix together with Body Brain coffee. This one stack, instead of taking 10 pills every morning and drinking a cup of mushroom sludge, have a delicious, creamy, amazing cup of coffee that will change your life, make you feel good, energize, testosterone support, brain function, memory, mood, everything. It really. Dude, go see the reviews. People absolutely love it. What's the mushroom sludge? Most mushroom coffees taste like shit. I don't want to name names, but if you get a lot of these mushroom coffees, it tastes like you've mashed up mushrooms in a cup. It's gross. We use real coffee. A lot of these companies don't use real coffee. They just use the mushrooms, and it tastes like shit. This is great. This is going to be the best cup of coffee you ever have. We're doing a pretty cool deal right now. If you go to bodybraincoffee.com and you buy both the creamer and the coffee, we're giving you 10% off, and if you use the promo code WARSGIFT, W-A-R-S-G-I-F-T, you're going to get 10% off, plus a free mug or frother. They're custom bodybrain mugs, custom bodybrain frothers. Really, really cool. We're giving it to you absolutely free. Bodybraincoffee, that's the website, bodybraincoffee.com. Use that promo code WARSGIFT for 10% off and a free mug or frother of your choice. All right. Where were we? Alex, story number six. Story number six. A man once got physical with a family member of mine while on a hike. I proceeded to embarrass the man in front of his wife and daughter. Damn. They begged me to stop. Oh, I know exactly who this is. I mean, a hike screams Jared. It does, but this could also be Louis. This is Louis. Yeah, this is Louis' public behavior for the most part. Yeah, he likes to embarrass people. I mean, if. Hold on. If somebody got physical with my family member, I promise you I'd put them in at least a half Nelson. Right. You'd embarrass them, which would embarrass them in front of their wife and daughter. Oh, fuck. I can't go back. Oh, you already locked it in? No, you can't. Too late. Fuck. Who do you think it is? Guys, don't vote early. Talk first. What are you doing? Who do you think it is now? I said Louis way too early, bro. But who do you think it is? I think it is Louis. No, no, no. It's this motherfucker, bro. No. Because Louis would have hit him or something. This is the only rumor. Louis on a hike is the strangest guy. Yeah, Louis not going on a hike is Jer, bro. This is the only room I have ever been in where I've been the hiker of the bunch. I've never. Usually we call you something that rhymes with hike. No offense, but let's face it. Proceeded is not a Louis. Hiking is not. Proceeded isn't a Louis word also. It's not. Sorry, Dave. No, I was just going to say, looking at the panel here, there's only a few who enjoy a hike. Right. Right. And, you know. Yeah, it's y'all three. It's all the Jews. I didn't want to say it. It's all the Jews. No, no, no. It's just not your cup of tea. No. No. You're right. Naeem, as Jews, we enjoy an exodus, not so much a fucking hike. Oh, you got like a forced hike. Yeah, we'll walk if we have to escape fucking pyramid people. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I mean, look, if somebody attacked one of my family members, I'm fighting them. I'm not going to embarrass them with my words. That's a big J move. It's not a. Oh, a family member of mine. Yeah, it's a family member. So, yeah. That's why. You have two family members, and neither of them are hiking. Nope. And that's why I want to erase it, because I know it's not Jared. It's still like, just put it up there. It's still. I agree. It's Jared. Yeah, I fucked up. No, well. It is Jared. Yo, everybody else vote for Jared, bro. Because I fucked my vote up vote for Jared. The way it's. Got physical is not how. I think it's Dave. How would you describe getting physical? I'm a two-pack-a-day smoker. I'm a two-pack-a-day smoker with COPD. He's not hiking. What do you think I'm doing? Yeah, he's not hiking, bro. I got to take some chances here, I think. Dave Attell don't hike, bro. Fuck, the steps are my Everest. I can't do anything. Yeah. Oh, he's saying Dave Attell. It's definitely Jared. That's a retarded answer. Yeah, he's right. It's Jared. It is Jared. It's always been Jared. Yeah, Lewis, you up. You up now, Lewis. Hell yeah. I think I am. Whose story was story number six? Story number six. This belongs to Lewis J. Gale. I knew it. How the fuck could that happen? I knew it. I should have known. How could that happen? Yes. Yes. Let's go. You know Lewis is good at this game when he's convinced a room full of people that some chubby Jew likes a hike. Yo, let's go. So I'll tell you right now. It was we. I believe. It was Costa Rica. It was with baby James. You know, it was you. Yeah. You remember the old man with the camera? Yes. Yeah. So you'll remember when I tell the story. So we were on. We were on like a nature thing, like looking at animals like sloths in the trees. And this old fucking creepy dude had like a DSLR camera and James was sitting there just being. He was like eight at the time being cute and adored. And that was a goofy ass fucking 13 year old. But back then he was fucking tight prime. It's right there. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah. No. Now he's like an old fucking bad boring. So as a pedophile, you're gross. This old guy, this old guy took the camera and he jammed it into James's back. And I was just watching it. Like I literally watching. I was watching. And then James kind of like that. Masturbate for me. So I fucking lost my mind on this guy. And here I would have beat his ass. Right. He had a wife and a daughter that like a teenage daughter who's maybe 14 and the wife. It's like an old. He was an older dad. He was like maybe 65 years old. Oh, yeah. You'd have killed. But he was so like afraid and shaken. Yeah. He had given me anything back. I would have just started swinging on this fucking guy. Yeah. But he was just kind of trembling. And then I just fucking started screaming at him. And then his wife and daughter begged me to stop. And I was like, no, I should fucking kill you. Motherfucking James is like, no, dad, please. Everyone's telling me to stop on the line. Yeah. Nice. The fucking the sloths in the trees are like. No. Everybody. And you told the daughter, you're like, give me your number. Give me your number. I'll stop killing your father. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That was. So do you understand how robberies happen now? Yeah. You should have robbed him, bro. You should have been like, yo, give me all your money. You did miss an opportunity. Yo, you pissed me off. Give me all your money, bro. You did. I'm angry. I need all your money, bro. That is why the Puerto Rican side of your family died with your father. Ah, beautiful, beautiful round. Alex, where are our points at? That round sucks shit. All right. In last place with two points, Dave Attell. It's all right. I don't know. I don't know what happened to me today. I don't know. I just, I guess I don't got it. I don't know what it is, guys. Y'all never did this for me when I was losing. Fuck y'all. Everyone's so happy for you. That's crazy. place with four points jared freed in third place with five points big jay okerson yeah jay jay that's what i'm talking about in second place with 12 points lewis jay gomez wow he was so and in first place with 19 points we up we up now running away with this david tell it's looking bleak can i you and jared can i gift my points to another player now you can still always play giant killer where you change the outcome of the game based off your guesses so it's still you're still involved no he's not it's over bro yeah that sounded here's how you feel better it's over that sounded very creepy the way you said it you you story number seven story number seven one time i was smoking weed in a nice neighborhood with a friend a father with his baby in a stroller came up to us and tried to get us to stop my friend and i mocked him relentlessly in front of his baby this is the most black story i've ever heard of my father like that is really i said right away it's lewis or not yo alex call me a nazi i don't care no why did alex read it like that though she read it wrong you want to make it sound more white than this yeah this is crazy alex is like one time i was smoking weed yeah like come on yo nice ass neighborhood motherfucker woke up to me with his baby in a straw i said damn this is where i smoke weed now are you supposed to be hanging with your baby like why she read bro why she read it like that that's crazy food stand bad having bitch anyway she sucked at my dick she sucked at my dick after that yo alex you gotta do better with your reading yo uh i mean even the way that even the way this shit read jared do you smoke weed no i believe him he lying he lying he lying no no no just uh you know just a a a little glass of tea before bed right that is your cup of tea yeah that's my cup of tea uh i i know here's the thing it's not david's hell no wait you don't smoke weed david's hell he thinks weed is gay no i can afford coke what am i smoking weed for but i like how some people smoke weed someone had to include a nice neighborhood right yeah that's where i'm from not where i'm from do you see it that's why we know it's the browns that's how we've narrowed it down to a 50-50 i promise yo it's not bro it's not me bro i promise maybe you already said it was you i didn't i never said that all i said was alex read it wrong i didn't say it was me i said that had i wrote this i would have been angry that she read it the way that she read it i feel like you were angry that she read it the way that she read it i don't vote for you i'm making a big mistake no and i'm fucking up and voting for lewis again it seems so obviously naeem it's not me it's also like he's like fuck the world i want to vote for naeem so bad it's not me bro it's not me he's like a reverse hero it's like it's like a man is taking care of his baby the best that i can and me and my friends we're about to fucking break into a house yo who finds this story to be about i forget every week we're like we're used to the stories i forget there's a theme what is heroic about this yes there's nothing heroic a father wants to stop smoking we made fun of him we're like this has to be naeem this is crazy i'm gonna stop ah it's not me bro i promise it's gotta be naeem who else is it me you're you it's either me or naeem and it's not me so it's definitely naeem yo it's not me bro oh dude this is crazy dude dude dude if it's lewis we're fucking we're all getting fucked right here if it's naeem if it's this is the most unheroic story i've ever seen in my life no maybe it's jay yo it might be jay bro then we picked up the baby and we're having a toss with the baby and this guy can't is naeem working this hard to just make me think it's not him it's not me bro i swear to god i mean it's it's definitely naeem but we don't want naeem to win but it's not me though i never did this him guessing me is crazy look at his face that's crazy it's not me bro he's reminiscing right now if i got if a father walked by with a you know me if a father walked by with a baby and i was smoking weed and they were like excuse me i wouldn't make you'd say i'm sorry i'd be like oh my god you'd be like i'm sorry but your baby's pussy's hanging out sir yeah hey baby your pussy's hanging out i'm being cool but just know that i've seen it then it's jared then if it's not y'all too it's jared it's not me yo i don't do shit like this it's everybody but naeem it's not me it's not me yo naeem alex fuck you lewis i'll be so pissed it might be lewis fuck story number seven belongs to lewis jay i bought you an iron maiden ticket this weekend oh boy i just took the lead naeem oh my god this uh this was years ago when i used to promote for the stand-up new york it was me and dave smith political commentator dave smith we were sitting on a stoop political pundit pundit we were we were sitting on a stoop on the upper west side on west 78th street smoking a blunt thinking about fucking republican values and uh this dad and his little baby just rolled by and then the dad goes he was like guys really here and then me and dave went ah ah and we started going don't breathe here breathe here you fucking retard you guys right in front of the baby you guys cooked that guy we cooked him dude you toasted him in front of the baby dave was a hilarious wigger at one time in his life and we literally just mocked him until he just like kind of like scurried away it was hilarious damn dude that was dave i gotta remember that every lewis story ends with him acting like an 80s bully in front of a baby in front of a baby right and then we mocked that nerd always in front of a fucking baby this piece of shit alex give us our points in last place with two points david tell all right all right i get it i get it thank you thank you everyone thank you in fourth place with four points jared freed brutal jared it's brutal it is rough family points in third place with five points big jay ogerson come on jay come on jay hold him steady hold him steady at three 55 points back but still three you guys are getting crushed here bronze second place with 19 points it's not me naeem ali yeah crazy no no yes fuck and now in the league with 20 points lewis jay gomez you know what he fought for it i've done this i've done this show like four times and you have always won so he always wins this is a fucking baghdad election that's what i keep saying the show's a fucking scam we should stop yeah it's a pyramid scheme he says walk away dude lewis is cheating somehow and i don't know how and let's just walk away from the show it's the male imbalance absolutely absolutely absolutely one more story i mean let me tell you something naeem you gotta fucking keep your eyes on the prize dude i'm trying you understand that things worsen when batman realizes he's been infected with the same joker toxin that created the batman who laughs bruce starts becoming more violent unpredictable and dangerously similar to the man he's hunting to defeat the darkest version of batman bruce has to find out how close he can get to becoming him without losing himself completely whoa fuck yeah yes the batman who laughs baby james i'm bringing it home for you who baby james hold your breath it's coming home yo yo jay jay was reading that shit he said when an author when somebody uh do like this when somebody reads something they go could he and he's like bruh i need that book nigga you did like this i need that book nigga if it's happening if a white man go like this why he why he reading some shit i need that thank you man that's secret i'll tell you what i need that naeem is brown liquor drunk for whatever he's drinking he's drinking something with a fruity thing to it but that's brown liquor drunk from earlier if it's half as exciting as the way jay has spoken about it dude i'm in yeah i need it our Final story, Alex. Story number eight. What a game. Story number eight. As a child, I threw a family member in a figure four leg lock. It was on perfectly, but they wouldn't submit. Unfortunately, I dislocated their knee. Oh, fuck. But before any adults found out, my natural heroism kicked in, and I was able to relocate it and convince the other kid that everything was normal. I've never heard a more Dave Attell story in my entire life. Figure four leg locks. I had no friends growing up, so it's not me. And you know what? You know what? I know it's Jared, because the figure four wasn't a thing. When Dave Attell was a kid, bruh. Yeah. The other thing, when we was kids, nigga. Right. But it was very much a thing. You did the figure four, bruh. But it was very much a thing for her. You Chris Jericho, bruh. You Chris Jericho. How did you know? You're Lindsey Clancy. Oh. You're the Lindsey Clancy of the 90s. Figure four has happened on that side of the table. I can't argue that figure four has happened on that side of the table. I know a figure four pretty well. I've got to be honest with you. But I think figure four has been around since, like, the fucking 60s. 60s. Yeah, what's that? What's that? Bret Hart? But that's Bret Hart. No, it's a sharpshooter. Is he the first person? I mean, I thought that was just one of those old-timey wrestlers. No, it's old-timey. Ric Flair's been doing the figure four since the 70s. Well, also, Naeem did his strategy before by putting it on me, right? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not doing this with this one. I never put anybody. I'm not doing the thing. So I'll be honest with you. I don't see Naeem writing as a child. Right. I would never say as a child. I would say when I was a young nigga, that's what I would have said, bruh. It's like you would have known it was me because it would have said when I was a young nigga. That's not what they would have said. The bragging about fucking doing it perfectly felt of Lewis, but I think this is Jared because Jared. You think I dislocated a family member's knee? Like my aunt Elaine? Oh, God. You only got one aunt? I didn't overthink. What family member it was. Well, it said kid. It's not. But this could be Jared. You think this is how my Rosh Hashanah goes? No, this is more of a suit coat thing. You think I'm challenging? This is a suit coat thing. Do it outside. I'll say that Big J, this is a very long story. Big J wrote a very long story before. Have I been on already tonight? Yeah, you had one. You had one. Where am I at? Do you like the figure four? I'm into it as a move. I always thought it was a good move. It is a good move. You're watching a boring match if you're seeing a figure four. Yeah, that's true. But it's a good move in a boring match. Wrestling submissions did suck shit. Yeah, there was always a submission expert. Not pinfall. It was ass. But that is a good move in a boring match, a figure four. It does. Well, it's a lot of bravado. There's a lot of multiple leg moving parts. Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. We're completely ignoring something right here. What the fuck do you know about a figure four, David Tell? What do you know about a figure four? That's a great question. I didn't know BET had a news channel. Relax. I mean, chill, playa. Now, first of all, this is so hard hitting. How many people are appreciating this unvarnished manliness that you're seeing up here? Figure four, leg lock. Oh, my God. It's like the parking lot at a Bass Pro Shop here. It's smacks of Lewis. But I think. I'm thinking Jared. I mean, I had two stories in a row in round two. That would be borderline unfair, Alex. I think it's Lewis now. Now, yeah. Why does he know the numbers? Yeah, why does he know the numbers so much? I don't like that. It can't be three. That is weird. He just gave away. It can be three back to back. It can be. It can. But it also could be Jared, because he looked like he put niggas in a figure four. That's what I thought. I thought Jared. I just pictured Jared as a high school wrestler. Yeah, bro. If I got in a fight with him, my first thought would be he going to put me in a figure four. He's going low. Let me ask you a question, Jared. Did you like pro wrestling growing up? I did. You did? I'm a big pro wrestling fan. You see what I'm saying, bro? There you go. That's a very good call. I love that. That era was my, you know, that era of like- You're 41. So we're all from the generation of backyard wrestling. We all fucked with our friends. Right. So I've done plenty of figure fours in all my life. I'm just thinking of dislocating some of these. I'm doing the odds in my brain. I know what to do right now. Fuck you guys. I want to vote for- Yeah, that's what I'm thinking too. Take another shot. Nah, fuck you guys. I know exactly what to do right now. Wow. Yeah. We doing the odds. By the way, by the way, Lewis, by the way, I'm just reading this at the line. They wouldn't submit. Lewis recently had a story with a friend of ours. Joe DeRosa. Yeah, where his argument for that, why it wasn't a big deal that he put him in a fucking- Well, I went up, I'll tell you what happened. Please. I go up, we're in the green room at Kill Tony, Mattis Square Garden. Joe DeRosa's holding court with Tony Hinchcliffe and a talent, a few other people. So I go up behind Joe DeRosa. I'm playing to everybody else. I'm like, I do this behind Joe DeRosa. And then I go up and I put him in a rear naked chair. Yo, he don't like that type of shit though, bro. No, so Joe, so instead of Joe, and I didn't put it in, it was like, it was like snug, but not tight. I wasn't putting pressure. Yeah, loose. It wasn't, it wasn't loose. It was tight, but it wasn't, there was no pressure. There was no pressure yet. So I started to slowly put the squeeze on. And instead of Joe tapping like a man, like we all know to tap, Joe just started going, where, where, where, why are you, why are you joking me? Lewis believes in the story that he is right and Joe DeRosa is wrong. Yeah, no, Joe- For the way Joe, for the way- For the way Joe accepted- No. For the way Joe accepted his out of nowhere choking from behind. I stand by it. Yeah, bro, Joe, Joe DeRosa doesn't like anything unexpected. All that said- A joke, a joke, anything, anything unexpected, Joe DeRosa don't like it, bro. You're crazy. All that said, I think this is Jared, I think this is not Lewis. All right, I'm, I'm getting, so here's the thing. I think all I got to do right now is, I don't think I have to do anything. I think I'm going to beat Naim because it's not, it's not me. I think this is pretty much done. Fuck, it gotta be you, bro. I think it's pretty much done. You take it too long to fucking, you take it too long to pick a person. I still want to get more points, though. No, nigga, it's him. Because why he take it so long? Pick a person, nigga. Pick a person. Relax. It's him. Nigga, it's you, bro. I already know it's you, bro. It's you, N-word. Yeah. It's Lewis. He take it too long to pick a person. So Big Jay- Yo, you've been known the answer. Big Jay. You've been known. Big Jay, can you perform a figure four? I'd like to think so. I mean, at this point, I don't remember if I know the motions, but I think so. You step over the leg, turn around. You drop the leg over. It's very fun, yeah. It's either Lewis or his dad. The last, the final figure four lock. Is this the last question? Lewis' dad got murdered at the beginning of the Scarface. Remember the beginning of Scarface? Rubbinga. That's when they got Lewis. Opening scene for sure. That's when they got Lewis' dad. The beginning of Scarface, bro. You asked a question. This is the last question. This is the last one. Well, I haven't had the most luck tonight, so I'm going to give it over to these two. These two ghost hunters over here. Whoa. Unprecedented. Unprecedented. Is that allowed? That's unprecedented. In Mindani's New York. Come on, let him do it. Let him do it. Go ahead, brother. It's not me, I swear. Go ahead. Don't listen to him. Go with your gut. Don't have a confab and then just pick the black guy. It's not going to look good. There you go. Just signed up with Verizon. I agree. Nice. Yes. Give me my fucking W. T-Metal here says Lewis. Give me my W. What did you say? Jared. Jared. It's either Jared or Big J here. Me? Yeah. Look how he switched it from me to one of them. Because he knows it's him. I already won. I'm very happy. I'm going to go with Jared Freed. Why not? 41 years old. Doesn't have. Big J, when he was younger, was much fatter. I don't think they had the agility to get his legs. You were. Come on, guys. That's a compliment. Come on, guys. Please. Alex, what is it, Alex? Your story was story number eight. Story number eight. Belongs to Big J. Oakerson. Whoa. Whoa. Right at the end, he gets a meaningful point. Yo, Jay, you're a fucking liar, bro. Yeah. You're a liar, bro. I was. Jay, who were you? I never. I have not heard this story. You're dislocating. My family was so fucking trash that as soon as my brother was born, I was 11 when my little baby brother was born. Oh, it's your brother. Yeah. My parents went immediately back to work. So I was. And they worked in a hospital. So they were working like 12 hour shifts. So I was watching a fucking baby from the time he was 11 years old. So probably when I was like 14 and he was like three or four. Bro, what the fuck? One night when we were. One night. We were just home 'til midnight by ourselves. I decided to fucking slap him in a figure four leg lock. And I sunk it in good. He wouldn't tap, so I sunk it in. And I felt his knee go, and he went, he started screaming, and then I let him go immediately, and then I just grabbed his leg and, like, touched it, and I just felt it go click back into place, and I went, I go, ah, dude, you're all, everything's perfect. He was like, yeah, I go, that was the coolest thing ever, dude, you're the shit. I go, you survived the figure four leg lock, and you, yeah, you survived the. Bro, what the fuck? And I just, I just convinced him everything was fine, and we never ever told it until many years later I told my parents, I confess, yeah. By the way, they worked in a hospital, they could have helped. They could have helped, but I always, and now he walks funny, and I'll be honest with you, he's five foot three, but he's never been able to dunk a basketball, and I soar to take half blame for this. Yeah, yeah, bro, that's your fault. You probably stunted his growth. I stopped his growth plates with that fucking six figure four leg lock. Bro, you ruined him. But I'll tell you what, though, I gave him a thousand a bunch of time. When I first, when I put this first leg around, I went to the audience with a thumbs up, and they were like, yeah, he could have fought back or kicked me in the nuts. Yeah, he should have did something. He just sat there, and then I slapped him in the fucking figure four, and he took a while, he slapped the ground, he fought it back. Yeah, that's not your fault. And eventually he fucking succumbed to the fucking figure four. Yeah. Alex, give us our final points. All right. Legendary. The legendary Dave Attell. In third place with 13 points, Big Jay Oakerson. Second place scored 19 points. And your winner tonight with 20 points, Louis J. Gomez. I'm back, baby. What the fuck, by the way? I'm back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Louis J. Gomez, your newest story, warrior. I hate this game. I hate it. I hate it. What am I, what am I, what am I, 0-6? Fuck this, bro. Fuck this, bro. This is crazy. Louis is our newest story. Warrior, you know who you can trigger now? Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to thank One Thing and One Thing Only. Thank you. Double points. Everybody, Louis J. Gomez, your story warrior for the night, takes home the prize. How about it for our amazing panel, the legend Dave Attell. Naeem Ali. Make sure you check it out. We got Jared's new special on Netflix right now, Family Plan for Story Wars. We'll catch you next week. I'm Big J. Oakerson. I'm Louis J. Gomez. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.