Dating apps, aliens and the end of the world

Ignore that feeling. Push it down, button it up, don't let it out. Ignore that feeling. Listen to us instead and get our podcast up in your head forever with Alison and Fair. Here, that's weak we're talking about aliens, slut shaman and development hell. Body count. I said how young people are using the term body current. It makes me think we've made no progress at all. But you can't expect progress. That's maybe naive, isn't it? Frank and progress is linear over yesterday, but actually just moving in spirals. But what's your idea of progress? Like, what did you think that like when I was younger, I remember people being really weird about sex and if you'd like, if you were a ghetto and you'd fucked a lot of guys, people would be funny about it. Then you just lie. You just go off chug less than 10 people or whatever. Yeah, just lie. I didn't have to, unfortunately, but now I've seen young people saying that they're worried about body count and I find that term so offensive. I thought they were all sex positive now. I saw everyone was on the sex apps now. I think what it's the same is body positivity. You think the younger generation are going to be different, but it's all kind of similar. We've all got the same hangups whether it's body count or body positivity. Because like, well, I was saying I would, I'd do like a good clean boy. It's like a good clean boy. I wouldn't, I want my partners to have not been promiscuous. I'll tell you because the best rides are not men who've had lots of one nightstands, right? It's men who have a long term girlfriend. Yeah, that's very true. That's very true. That's always the people who are the best at leg outs. Sorry to be vulgar. No, no, no, no, we've been talking about this a lot. Yeah, that was in single. And I said, Americans are good at good at it. Yeah. They're also very polite. Scottish Protestants, more than Scottish Catholics. Really? Do you think I want to say that? It's doing much to pains me to say that. The Scottish Protestants are better, right? The Scottish Catholics. You know what that's from? It's from the Fluten. Lips on that little flute. No, that's why I call my bum. You get your lips on my little flute. Oh, my little flute. It's like emotions at the same time as well. I bet you take it. I think, no, I think Scottish Catholic guys are a workshop. It'd be great to f*ck an arrangement because the figure movements and the lit movements, but also the horribleness of f*cking a very strong Protestant. You know what I mean? This is what, this is my book, by the way. Is it? And I just keep thinking, like, my dad's going to be so upset. I've said to him, please don't be there. I've asked if I can not read the audio book. Do you know what I don't want to say? The filth. Like, I've never met your dad, but I've heard lots about your dad, right? Yeah. So I'm thinking, do you not want your dad to hear it because of the, oh, it's my daughter being sexual? Or is it? No, it's the protagonist. It's the protagonist. Yeah, the protagonist, of course, not you, not you, not you. But is it that? Or is it that he's so sectarian and sectarian that the sentence Protestants are better at f*cking and Catholics will kill him? Basically, I've said some things that are, yeah, risky because it's about sectarianism in Scotland and how everyone's pretends not everyone. Certain demographics want to pretend it doesn't exist. Yeah, why did they want to do that? Because it's seen as I think people think it's to do with football and it's to do with anti Irish sentiment that had a real impact. Well, chatting to you about your upbringing. Oh, like, yeah, like, going as I had to leave brownies because people were asking about me being Catholic. It's like little things like that. Yeah. And like the schools are worse, Catholic schools are worse. Or like, you can't get a job if they see you've got a certain surname or if they see what school you went to. Yeah. So people want to pretend that doesn't exist. All the people on the east coast like Edinburgh people are oblivious to it. So they find it just baffling when you bring it up. So that's what I'll be exciting to talk about it. Yeah, because my first ever sex way. In a sex way, my first ever brush with Orange March happened in Edinburgh last year. Last year, a lot of artists for Palestine came together. So it was an orange walk in Edinburgh. Babes, this is what happened to me, right? So every day, so I have a great load of people. We're in a little WhatsApp group. And what we did was we'd pick a time each day and we'd find it in the group. Yeah, remember that. But the last week, there wasn't that many people that were able to go to this pop bank. So I went and there was a few of us. And there was an orange march that marched past us at the same time. And there was so angry at us. Yeah, I forgot. I forgot that, like, I forgot the culture war thing as well as if you're in an orange man, you're generally going to be pro royals, you're pro the British state. And therefore, pro colloquialism. Yeah. I was in Glasgow yesterday. And I was getting a taxi to the airport. And my taxi driver was Pakistani. We were talking about sectarianism. And he said, like, I always, he said, I get asked if I support Celtic or Rangers. And he said he had to stifle his laughter because there was a guy in the back of his car talking to a woman saying, I mean, you have to admit that 80% of Rangers fans are pedophiles. You have to accept it. Yeah, yeah, it's it's. And those Catholics, we don't have a great Oh, no, we're not like that. Oh, no, no, no, that's that's it. And you know, however, there's been reform marches and Scotland recently. Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh, oh, my friends in Glasgow are like, it's the Rangers fans, which is a way of seeing Protestants. Yeah, everyone's just couched in your feminism. That's the same in the North of Ireland as well. If you God forbid, had to do a Dayton profile now, what would you put on yours? Well, I've never been on an app. So I've never been on an app before. What are you supposed to, can you you're going to have to imagine I'm an alien? You have to explain it. Yeah, that's true. So like, so there's a few different, there's a few different date naps. There's hinged tender and field. Those are the tree hinges for ladies for ladies, right? No. Bumble is for a bumble is for like a bumble is one where ladies make the first move. Is that the one you're thinking of? Oh, I thought hinge was where you make the first move. No, but wait, I know it. Henge is for Dayton. Tender used to be for sex, but is for like, adiacs or something. Yeah. Field is for like proper, like, filth. Well, it's not even that filth. It's bail days where you are cleared about what you want, sexually. Yeah. Yeah. So that is like, I think it was seen as like a poly like a big poly thing and a big kink thing for like lots of lots of regular people on it. Yeah. And the regular people would be like, hinges too boring. So I'm here kind of. I would put on fields. I'd be like, nothing, Matt, is that what you'd say? That's not for Matt. No chocolate. Yeah. Pleasure doms only. Yeah. So, I don't explain what Pleasure Dom is. Yeah, because I didn't know what Pleasure Dom was on Teo Alice and got on field. So Pleasure Dom is a person that is so into the idea of the other person coming and they will do everything in their power to make that person come. And these are men. These are straight men. Yeah. Yeah. I loved it. It just feel like new talk. And these are straight men. And the idea of women coming. Yeah, well, they're so rare that they're on field as a kink. Yeah. That was what I was going to talk to you about. I keep seeing certain demographic and male comedian being like, what's with women? And they're sex toys. Yeah. No. Theo von would be like the biggest example. Theo von. Thanks. That women doing dead lifts and gems is like a sign they're trying to take over from men. Like, what if you're just trying to get out of the back pain? What if you messed up your pelvis after childbirth and this sorts out your hip engine? Yeah. What if you're trying to retain muscle as an old lady? Yeah. Anyway, it all so it all ties in with this world view. These are always the same men who are baffled by women using sex toys, right? I was thinking about that a lot about the worst men I've met are threatened by sex toys. I need to get across to you. You shouldn't give up learning to be good at workouts or learning to be good at sangering just because powerful sex toys exist because I'll tell you something now. There's men. I can't remember their surname's now, right? Yeah. I'll just thank a few of them as like rangers support. That's an actual guy. An anonymous arranger. No, this is an actual guy. I think he was from Falkirk. I just want you to know. I always think of you fondly. He looked like he looked a bit like James McAvoy and he was so good at going down on me that I'll remember him like even if I get Alzheimer's, I will remember him, right? Someone I dated for a while. Yes. I remember nothing about their personality. I would struggle to tell you what bands they liked or anything, but when we split I cried betterly because he was so good at going down on me and at the time, it didn't feel like you could say that to someone. You had to be like I had to think it was cause of love. It was because I sort of felt in my bones. I'm never gonna have this again. - Yeah. - I might never have this again. - You actually sound emotional. - Yeah, but there were, but at the time, there wasn't anything in the culture reflecting that. So that's why I have to say it now. In case there's other people that are like this, you broke up with someone that was good at giving Lego. - Yeah. - I just need, I just need you to know, it don't be threatened by a sex, but that's a efficiency, that's an efficiency measure. The same is like when I choose to get a tradesman because my partner is either that or my partner is gonna take a whole summer and put up three shelves. - Yes, yes, yes. No, this is a very good analogy. I was thinking about this, I was like trying to write material and I was thinking like, it doesn't mean I love the tradesmen. - No, not at all. - And that's how it's treated. That's actually, now I'm getting in and doing DIY, I don't have the house. - Yeah, that's true. It does a threat when I'm like, how about we get someone to finish this painting job because both of us have busy lives. We're not gonna get this thought. It's the same thing with vibrators. - I'm never gonna mourn a vibrator. - No, this is the thing. So I had a very good time with someone and like, it's not a long-term thing around I feel like that. I have gifts in my head, right? (laughing) I'll be holding the hand of whoever I'm with, the love of my life, I'm dying and I will just think of this summer at like different bits. - Do you know what I mean? - Yeah. - It is mad. It is mad how that like pushes you or whatever. - I actually keep seeing a train advert that I think is themed around that. Really? - Yeah, an old woman's with her granddaughter on a train. - Yes. - And she's like, remember the summer in Italy and she's like going around on a mole pad and stuff, getting plowed by a man called Marley. - Absolutely, plowed, that's the influence. And then the grand door was like, I didn't know you met grandad that any day. And she's like, no, I met that guy after. This is when I got real. - Absolutely. I got railed into railings, which is mad 'cause I do think Italians are probably the worst sex I've ever had. - Sorry. ♪ Push it down ♪ - I hate films where they ended the world. I hate the concept of the end of the world. - But I wanted to ask you, do you think the end of the world is coming soon? And if so. - Doesn't worry me. If we all die at once, I'm fine with it. I actually would prefer we all die at once. - Witcher? - Yeah. - Is that FOMO? - FOMO. - No, I don't have FOMO. Well, no, it's more about other people aren't gonna get ahead of me. There's a like a Galitarian aspect to it, like. - Yeah. - It's not something that worries me at all. Like I think climate change in our lifetimes is gonna be really, really bad. But I just feel grateful that I'm not, you know, I'm midway through my life. So it'll be getting like really, really bad by the time I die. I have a really selfish fear towards it, is what I mean. - I believe in it. - Yeah. - But I just don't worry about it. - I kind of feel similar to you, but I think it's because I don't have kids, I want kids. - Yeah. - And if I ever do get kids, I'll be happy I have kids, but then there will be a melancholy, so to speak, of bringing them into a world that might end. But then I'm like, it might not. And it might be fine. My biggest fear about the end of the world is that, I'll die of natural causes 20 minutes before the world ends. And I'll miss the last 20 minutes. You know, I'll get all the panic and all the whatever. - Oh, that's formal. You want to see all the panic? - No, wait on fire. - But I imagine we'd be on fire or drowning. - Oh, no, I'm thinking. - Asteroid. - Asteroid, aliens. - Yeah. - I don't like thinking about aliens. - If I was an alien, I would, I would, I would control out, delete this planet. - I would. - Do you believe in aliens? - Yeah. - As you believe in them, but it's kind of like, it's kind of like in the same way I believe in Russians or Russians, yeah, or Angolans. Like, I'm probably not gonna meet them. - You've met a few. - A bit older. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I was gonna, you have met Russ. - Well, let me, Papua and you're gonna, I believe it exists. - Yes. - But I'm probably not gonna meet anyone from there, so I'm not gonna worry about it. - Oh, if you go on London, if you go on field in London, you will meet every nationality in the world, baby. - Yeah, you've really had like a United Nations type experience. - Yes. - A lot of, I was supposed to text messages now. I like, I feel so bad about what's happening in the Middle East. (both laughing) - What? - It's. (both laughing) - Yeah. (both laughing) (both laughing) - Yeah, no, like, I do believe in aliens. I do, I believe in aliens. (both laughing) And that, like, I believe in aliens, but I believe they're like bacteria or a form of life that's like so. - Well, do you think they, you don't think they look like? - I don't think they've got people guys. - I don't think they're taking any sort of like air and expel it. - I don't believe that shit or piss or anything. Do you think the people that are obsessed with aliens are really believed in being abducted by them? - Yeah. - I think that a lot of them are autistic and/or have been abused as children. - Yeah. - They always think like someone's done an anal probe on them. - Yeah, that's it. (both laughing) Or, like, they do. - Yeah, they do, they do, they do. - I watched, there's a really good old episode where they meet these crazy alien people. - Yeah. - And that's mostly way through isn't gonna visit people. They're like, "I've been the victim of child abuse." - You know what I mean? - That's the way you're. - No, he's just always interview him, "Pedos are giving us sympathetic." And I don't even mean Jimmy Savo, actually. I mean, when he went to, like, the Pedo president. - That was great. I thought that was a great episode. - Yeah, remember they confiscated the other little postcard of like a guy had a postcard of just like a drawing of a young boy. - Yeah. - And they were like, "That's too suggestive for you." - Yeah. - But anyway, Louis, for who went to meet people who believe in aliens. And at the time, there was a load of cows being found dead in fields. And their anuses had been cored out. - Cored out. - They'd caught out the cows and removed it. So all the alien people were like, all the crazy people that believe in it. - Yeah. - So this is the aliens coming down, doing experiments on cows and dropping them back in the field. - That's mad, yeah. - That's like, no, what am I, wait there. - Have you ever seen a cow's cored anus in Ireland? - Have you ever loved and lost somebody? - Sorry, just, no, I've never seen that. And you don't see, you don't see, sorry. - Do you have your medications there? - I did, I did, I did, I did, but I've had a cup of tea and I think that's affected it. - Right. - Or maybe it's someone got in touch about the Boolean dynamic between us on the podcast. - Who's Boolean who? - What do you think? - You and me. - Maybe it's you, you're like a power button. - Maybe I'm a power button, I'm a power button. You're a big rainbow top, that's it. - Yeah. - Well, a rainbow's rude because you were like, are you, I think I'm a, we were talking about being dominant and submissive during sex. - Yeah. - And I said I'm very submissive. - Yeah. - And it's always the way if someone's bossy in real life. - I think all female comedians are secretive submissive. - Yeah, but then if you ever know if it's female comedians always have these quiet little boyfriends all the time. - Yeah, who got shut the fuck up later. - Yeah. (laughing) - That's my nightmare is going out with someone described as gregarious or someone who's like the center of attention at parties. I would hate that. - Why would you hate that? - I just can't stand out going guys. You want a man to have some yesterday. - This is, and be like, what are they thinking? - No, I don't know. - Yeah. - I mean, I'm often like, what are they thinking because of autism, so I can't. - Yes. (laughing) - I'll guess, and I've just got it so wrong. - This is like, so it's just unattractive to you to have a gregarious man. - Yeah. - That's why I don't fancy a lot of, like, - Comedians. - Outgo and comedians, yeah. - Do you remember I was in the last episode that I was like, oh, let's talk about the patriarchy? You, I think the patriarchy norms for you is like, you like a quiet mystery. - A hard-working man. - Yeah, with a vision of what they want to do. So, for example. - You see, like a man who doesn't talk much but will make stuff practically or like, like, insert from the maddening crowd or something like that kind of. - I don't know that difference, I know you're referencing a book. - But, it's just like, it's just like, he's just a quiet farmer. And then a, then a don-- - Not a farmer. No, I wouldn't go out with a farmer because their schedules are insane. There was a comedian in Scotland called Jim Smith who was a farmer and a farm life is inescapable. Like, he used to say things that I thought he was saying as a gimmick, he would be like, oh, I'm so tired because it's a loving season. But like, he was having to do full fringe runs and look after the farm because you inherit a farm. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then, so then you have to marry someone that accepts farm life and like accepts these crazy owls. And it's of course, to be born in our farm and family. - What about comedians? 'Cause we never have weekends. We can never get a bad issue for a lot of comedians' waves, by the way. - Yeah, hasn't got a wedding until, will ask you a lot of that's people just not like me. Last year I went to four weddings in one year and it was magical. Did you like it? Obviously. That's great. It was amazing. We've been getting married later in life now too. Well, but in comedy you spend years not going to see live music, not being able to put a wedding. Even one of the weddings I went to, it was people that didn't know. I went to this wedding and I said to my partner like, "I turned down a gig with a promoter." I like a lot. For really good money. Yeah. Yeah. But it was worth it. It was worth it to witness his love. Well, no, yeah, I met a lot of nice people. I do like weddings, but when I do go to weddings, I do think about the money that's been lost. That's been lost, yeah. Because most of my income comes off like Saturdays. Yeah. And people like a lot of my income, that good income comes from when TV comedians have to pull out of things. SendoVee's success has been such a gift to me because it means that she for some reason, I don't like wear a similar at all, apart from I don't know, maybe quite assertive. Yeah. I have replaced SendoVee at so many gigs and I'm just so happy. You're not saying I see her rise. Yeah. I just think there's a gig in that way. Yeah. Yeah. You're not similar, but you're kind of similar in the way that I've both of you have cried in front of a restaurant once. We've just had no emotion. You've been great. You've been great. SendoVee's that I aspire to be like Sendo. Like there was one time I was agonizing over whether I booked my flights to Montreal. Yeah. My age agent was by me now. Why are you agonizing over it? There was some reason, like they hadn't booked my flights yet. Right. The Montreal just for laughs. Yeah. Just for laughs. I had to wait for the promoter to book the flights. That was very inconvenient to me. Yeah. And then I was talking to Sendo about it. I was like, what about these flights? And Sendo was like, I just booked my own flights. I have to go and see my kid in college then I'm going on holiday early. She just gets things done. Yes. She does. She's not going to wait around. Sendo's not going to wait around and sort of try and please people. No. Because she started comedy when she was older and she'd been like a fucking investment banker or something. Yeah. Yeah. So she's just got this really refreshing. People who come to comedy later in life, they kind of, they're not as fearless. Yes. Where's the rest of us are just like doing upset my agent doing upset the promoter. Yeah. I'm going to like make myself so uncomfortable when I do TV shows all just in the hope that I get another thing again. Because I started comedy when I was like 21. Yeah. I was 24. And like I know, you know, apart from the constant fear of being a diva, just hanging over you. All the time. All the time. Or the thing of like my, I don't know what my person, you know, you're 21. So you're a child, then you're in college. And then I started, I started standup straight after straight around when I was finishing college. Yeah. So I've no idea what the adult me is actually like like, I know I've worked in like tele sales temporarily. All of my jobs have been either I've in college or I'm doing comedy. It's never been like, this is job I'm doing for my career and for like that. So I've no, I've no vision of what the adult me is like. And now I'm kind of like trying to really be an adult, trying to get in my eyes is together, getting all of this together. But I feel like it's such a clown. Yeah. Well, let's find this interesting. We've gotten orders like the tolerance to. I communicate very, very clearly. Do. And I've realized that it doesn't matter how clearly I communicate about what work would I can do. It will be well-fully ignored or misinterpreted by people. The EMDR lady who's amazing. She was explaining it to me. She was like, you think that clear communications, the answer, she said, at web neurotypical people, you actually have to say no multiple times to them. Yeah, you do. Because they'll just try and wiggle with you until they get the answer they want. Well, sometimes I forget that you're autistic. And then like, you'll answer something. And then in the back of my brain, I'll be like, oh, she means something else. Yeah. I know. And then I have to like, stop myself. Do you know what I mean? There is like half seconds where you just forget that. I do have like a different brain mode when I'm communicating with you than other people. It's not. You're the best at reading me though. Well, no corners, the corners like amazing. Yeah, corners better to me. That. But yeah, the thing of people thinking that there's a secret meaning behind what you're saying. But it's not you've lost it. But it's from learning to experience. It's not like when people do that, it's not like they're not willfully doing that. They're just so used to knowing. Yeah, yeah. And it's just because there's less of us, we're always having to make the effort to. This is what I'm left-handed. And it's not compared to being autistic. But it's just like, it's actually used a lot. As I said, well, people say no one says there's been a massive increase in left-handed people. Yeah. And that left-handed people are making it up for attention. Yes. And like my mom's left-handed and when she was at school, they used to beat you for being left-handed because they thought you could train you to be the other way. Wasn't it same as like the devil or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy. But like, I keep forgetting that we're self-employed. I'm a big people pleaser. I don't know how to. You have to just practice being uncomfortable with it over and over again. It's like, yeah, you hate discomfort. That's my biggest problem in life, isn't it? I hate discomfort. That's the only way you grew as through the discomfort. Because I find it really difficult. I'm always going to be misinterpreted as cold and alive, right? So there's only so much I can do with that. That's why I try and always be on time to stuff and show that I'm the most hard-working. But I've had to say no more and more recently. I had to say no repeatedly to I think the other day that I was so clear on. I'd already had a good think about why I wasn't going to do it. I still had to explain four times how to look at emails because I was like, I've definitely put this in writing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, and it's maddening. Because you think it's about clarity of communication. No, and it's not. It's about people fundamentally thinking that it's almost like your objections are like a hurdle that they just have to push through. Yeah, because I think we're sales pitches around. If you're buying stuff or the whole world of work, we are basically salesmen. Management is selling the idea to a worker of staying in this company because it's good for them. We'll give you nice breaks. We'll do this or whatever. You're having a good time. You're selling your selling the experience of work to the worker. And then you're selling the idea of like, no, I know it's like, I used to work in an office where we got a lot of perics, like we got unlimited free Starbucks in the canteen. Yeah. And we had subsidized meals and it was great. And there was just all these little perics and I've really never wanted to kill myself more than a job. And I'm including stripping there. I'm including Bafkei Tesco. That was a hard job man. Was Bafkei Tesco? Oh my God. Like you wouldn't believe the mental torment of working in Tesco. Yeah. Yeah. You're scanning the shopping too quickly for it. And you're scanning the shopping too slow. I can't have dog foods exploded in my hands. And I've had to wipe off the dog food with tail receipts. No, I remember the second last day of filming my sitcom. And it was like a day of pickups. So we had to do loads of costume changes and stuff like that. And I physically couldn't stop crying because I was just so exhausted. I thought when I made a pilot, I had like a mental breakdown where I was crying. Yeah. It was strange. Like you book a holiday for after a big project and the holidays basically don't have a breakdown. Yeah. I used to do that every French. Yeah. For two weeks after, I'll just like not be able to get out of bed. Yeah. Why am I turning up thinking about that? That's mental. Because you're getting that a lot recently of like suddenly having feelings. Yeah, because I'm doing an EMDR. Yeah. I had a work email. EMDR is fucking me up. Yeah, me too. You're just to go over her. But it's hard because like I'm doing the EMDR so I can get quicker to feeling an emotion because one of my big, the biggest problem I have is not one to feel uncomfortable. You can't sit still. I can't have a night and on your own. I don't think. Do you know what I read that might motivate you? But what constantly? Well, constant busyness, stifles, creative thinking. Yeah. And I was thinking about this in relation to myself when I'm on a tour. It's really enjoyable when you're on tour and you have like a schedule where you know where you're going to be every day and you're traveling every day. But it's not good for coming up with new ideas. It's always hard to fix the show way or you're on tour. Definitely. That's so true. Or like I find it hard to I find it hard to write a project and be on a tour at the same time. Even though you have the technically you have the time. You have the time because you're setting in an airport or on a train every day. Yeah. But you like because you want to write a book. Yeah, if you never allow yourself to process everything that's happening, your life's just going to whizz by and a series of appointments. That's so true, but I think it's like. I think we've touching up before, but it is that it's the intrinsic belief that I am lazy, even though I think that's not true. But there's a type of work you can do that's like busy, busy work. They can call me day. There's a lot of ways you can fill your diary. It doesn't get you closer to what you want to do. For example, when I first moved to London, I was constantly going to these unpaid meetings and general chats with producers. It never got me anything. Any backfinger got they would just go do go you're doing taskmaster. Do you want to do taskmaster? Yeah, you're doing Apollo. There wasn't any like fucking about. Yeah, yeah, there wasn't meetings. Yeah, the meetings are the way for producers to fill their time and say to their boss, oh, I'm doing the required thing. Yes, just can touch if I'm wrong, but I do believe this. Yeah. But if you look at if you know what you want to do over at all, then you can work towards it systematically. And you can start dropping away all those things where you're like, Dan need to go to Ireland for a gig for very little money this weekend. Yes, or would it be better staying at home doing this thing? It's be any time for the past week I'm off Instagram and I'm on my medication and like I was working and I was I felt like I was working in a state of flow. And then I just start crying out of like gratitude or something like that. Yeah, just getting the work done. Yeah, like my friend said to me the other day. She was kind of doing an intervention of it because I'm too much on the apps on the date and apps and stuff. I tried. Yeah, I didn't want to intervene because I don't want us a lot. She and me. Yeah, I think it's been really good for you, but you're now using it like Instagram. Yeah, exactly. So it's like and she said like you got to get the work done on the things that are going to serve you creatively. Yeah, and I'm really excited about four of the things that I'm working on. Yeah, at the moment. And actually five because of the podcast, but the. Yeah, you the apps. I think you're using it like Instagram, but I did. So again, I'm away. I've locked them away now. You told me on the other day you were on the phone. Let me see in how you locked away the sex app. Yeah, and then during that you were like, sorry, I'm just on field. Oh, yeah, that's true. But I told you that out of a confession because I was like, I'm after I'm after I'm after I'm after. I keep doing that with Instagram. I know you do. It's so depressing. So, but I am, I am properly off Instagram and I do feel like my brain is recovering. But will I tell you the negatives? I think you're getting a balance phone or something that's like a, it's like a type of phone. It's not a Nokia. So it still has some apps. Yeah, because I'm just so sick of my phone. It's, um, I'll tell you the negative stuff. Yeah, yeah. It's like, there's, I'm not getting any news unless I, that's good. But I quit reading the, you know, I was getting like, so depressed about Palestine and stuff that I felt like I couldn't, um, think about anything else. And now I don't look at it. I don't look at very much news at all. And I feel better. I thought I know there's like a whole. Well, I don't know how to get really annoyed. It is all often like straight men that are like this being like, you don't have to work at stuff about Palestine. Why are you so upset about it? It's like, yeah, I know. It is always like a certain type of person saying that. I know, I know because they're not really affected by anything or like, it's like, you're finding it hard to not look at the news. But Alison, you've got good opportunities. Just now, and it'd be great if you could focus on. Yeah, getting them done. I got one of them done. Good. But with the apps, I didn't want to, I hate the way we weren't like when women, police each other. It's actually policing. Yeah, yeah, it does my head in. So I did. Thank you for using the apps in saying them out. Yeah, it's an emotional regulation problem. I've heard it's not the apps. It's it's you being unable to regulate emotions. You know what? It's so funny because like we took ages to come up with that name. And we were just, I'll just throw that out. Yeah. So much. Yeah. And no, the thing about the apps is the app. I feel like, right, I've never been on Dayton apps before. And the first night on a Dayton app, it feels like it just redid the chemistry of my brain. I just couldn't take it in. It felt like I was in a casino or a slot machine. Yeah, and it was overwhelmed and just the options. Yeah, it's crazy. And then and also because I was in such a long term relationship and before that, very repressed. Yeah, you hadn't had casual sex. No, not at all. And I, well, one of the choice of life. Yeah, I didn't. Yeah. And the thing for me was like, I suppose what I did my show about last year, big was talking about like how I felt like I became fat to take myself out of the sexual marketplace. Yeah. Cockblock yourself. Yeah. And I cock blacked all my friends when I was a teenager and my whole like even when I started stand up, my big finger was like, I'm a frigit. And I cock and, you know, that was my persona because that was the persona I was putting forward about myself anyway was that. And it all my stand up and start my career was like, and some was as weird. And I like wearing cardigans and all this. And it was like trying to make yourself safe, trying to yeah. God, I was the opposite. Mine was all at a slot. Yeah, but the truth was was I was in a very long term. Long-term relationship. Yes. But me, my partner had to say to me, was like, you're not. You, you have this idea of yourself. Yes. It's a mad slot. And he was like, you do you just like have a nice dinners with me. Yeah. I believe that's true because this came up, this is repeating something from a show that came up because someone we know. Yes. Was it an asshole was a couple that we know. Yes. Yeah. And I came home and I said, Connor, do you want to be an asshole? Yeah. And he said, which one of your bohemian friends? And he said, I know you, you think this is normal because you're in comedy. This is not how normal people are. Yeah. But when I was like that radio phone in with not with all the Irish people, is this what normal people are? Yeah. So there was a, there was a clip years ago of a live line, which is a radio phone in show where they had the public, the Irish public discussion normal. They were really upset at the TV show normal people. The public school was like, because they didn't, they, they were offended that someone was coming. Yeah. They were. That woman was coming so much. She was, she was, but the, the, the stand up thing, when I first got into stand up, I did the thing of me being a cock blocker. And I also, I did it because like not that there was a lot of sexual impropriety going on at the start of stand up. But there was from me, you know the way you were like, because I would say, I would advise people, if you're getting to stand up, don't write any comedians, then that was my big belief. Someone said that to me when I started it. Yeah. And it was one of the best examples of everyone's just giving you the advice they would give themselves. Yeah. This girl was like, if I could give you one better advice, don't shout comedians, then later that night someone else said to me, she's great, but she's to stop shouting comedians. That's, and I want to adapt that advice and say, only fuck comedians who are talentless because you won't have to meet them years. I've recently been having a two gigs with someone that I shacked years ago, but it's fine, he's a nice person. There was someone I'd done a fair with when I was new. Yeah. And he forgot that I was a comedian. He said, women just aren't funny. Oh my god. That I'm a comedian. But anyway, he phoned me years later, I bumped into him at the fringe and he phoned me drunk at night. Yeah. And I said, I don't remember you said that. And he started saying, that was great. He was quite drunk. He went, you've won, you've won. I honestly thought I was gonna square there and then. I just have never heard. That's where you got tasked with. I was lying in bed. You should have. I've done taskmas to you guys. Oh wow. I didn't say you've won, I was like. He wasn't funny, he weren't phoning me as I said, he was just phoning me drunk because he was like, I'm having a pitch just now. Beautiful. Oh my god, you're like more. Someone that shamed me back in the day, got in touch to apologize as well. That's cool. No, I sent, but he got in touch with your friend and I said, tell him, I don't forgive him. I just know forgiveness. No, forgiveness. So I was telling you there was a pylon of me being a slut and I kind of alluded to it. Yeah, but wasn't the pylon, like, I'm not saying it. It was because I was being a little bitch. Yeah. So that's been, I was a little bitch. But that's okay. I'm not saying it to be like. Basically, I complained about someone rich and comedy. I was being better about someone rich and comedy. I was so nervy on forums. Yeah. Such a keyboard. - Yeah, you were blacked by several people on Twitter, right? - Yeah, it's the-- (laughing) - But anyway, so when I was, this would be like 15 years ago, I was being a little bitch on the comedy forums, but then it descended into this thing of people going, she needs to keep her legs shut. Or someone said, "I've heard, having sex with her" is like trying to bathe a cat. - Bathe a cat. - Yeah, does that mean that you're like, either you're scratching their back? - I think so. 'Cause I thought it meant you're gone. (laughing) - Which is how I come. (laughing) - Meow. - So someone said that. Yeah, and just all these men and comedy, I really want to say their names. - But there was so much big slutshaven in comedy, and it felt like a police thing. - It just depresses me because I just like, "God, for me no progress." - Well, we haven't. We haven't. We haven't. And you know, it even goes back to the bit where like, you know, you're talking about like, how men are threatened by sex toys and stuff and that they don't put in the research into giving good, like, outs or doing hand stuff or whatever. - Yeah. - It's like, the knowledge, we have the internet. The knowledge is there. - Yeah. - And they choose not to go for that. And the thing is-- - 'Cause I actually think the nervous guys can be the best. - They're, yes. - Because they'll be studious. - Exactly. - And they'll learn how to technically give up. - Yeah, no, this is true. That is true. - Right, never in my life did I think I would use the phrase "lick outs" and then you've popularized it in the grip chart. - Bye bye. - 'Cause I think it's so vulgar. What would you prefer? - I think I'm quite American and I would say go and down on the women. - Let's do that then. Go and down on the woman. It's going down. - Going down on the woman. - I'll tell you what. - "lick outs." (laughing) - Hey man, we talk about "gurter." - My whole understanding of sex when I was a teenager was like that was something to be like taken or whatever. Do you know that you thought that? - I did. - What I thought it was like a woman's to protect and a man's to take is really, really fucked up. But that is what I believe, 'cause like some fucked-up shit happened. Like that's the truth of it. - Oh. - One of our friends, who's Irish told me that she thought sex was good if it wasn't painful. - Yeah. - That like blew my mind. - That's crazy. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I think there's so much different elements that come into a person's like idea of sex is not like a generational thing. It's luck, it's education, it's religion. - It's also what media you consume and what. - Genuinely, like reading a lot for me made such a difference because you just know that you're normal and you know that like slut shamans been a thing for ages. - Yeah. - And I often, I used to wonder if you would read things where a women are like, "My thirties are my best times actually." And I was like, "Is that maybe just 'cause you realize that it's all being a trick and you can actually do what you want as long as you're not hurting people." - Yeah. - But since being in Perry, Menopause, I'm like, "Oh no, this is hormones." - You go through hormones. - I told you like it's, I've kind of got over, hopefully got over the peak of it now, but like two years ago it was like the hardest I've ever been. - Yeah, but it was like torture. - That's how I felt going on the ADHD meds and like the heat wave and being on the app it just destroyed my brain. - Yeah, a lot of people go that way during heat waves as well. - Yeah. - There's a good episode of Blackbooks about that. - It's there. - Yeah, we're Dylan Moran's character is like, "She'll always be my summer girl." And he's like, "He can't stop looking at women and their dresses like Bab and Sweat of themselves." That leads me on to what I was gonna say. - Yeah. - So I saw Dylan Moran at a festival we were doing. - Yeah. - And he was so lovely and we had the nicest chat and then I cried into his face a bit. - It's so nice going on a period the next day. So that really explains it. - Crying. - But he's like a big hero to you. - Yeah, like he's, 'cause I never grew up watching stand-ups so I've never seen Billy Connolly. Never saw Kevin Bridges until I kicked with him. - Yeah. - I remember my friend saying something about Frankie Boyle and I was like, "Who?" I was oblivious. But I used to watch black books over and over. So then when I've met Dylan Moran, it's been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. - Yeah. - He's just been so kind to me about, 'cause I was in development hell for the last two years with the script of my book. And he was like so supportive of it and he just gave me faith and told me what to do. He gave me like career advice. - Did he? - Yeah. Like, can you say like what you said? - It was all stuff I kind of knew already of like, he was like-- - For him, the powers within you just-- - Well, protect your energy. - Yeah, 'cause being in development hell really messes up your energy, which is not in a happy-ish way. It becomes so draining to keep the faith and a project that's never gonna see the light of day. - That's it, development hell is this kind of thing. - Oh, yeah, thanks. - No, your final development hell is like this. So let's say someone glistens role player. - Yeah, okay, will I be the producer? - Allison, I hope you got through the terrorist style security day. - I got my arm, I'm just gonna find why are there no glass boxes free to sit in? - Oh, here's one. Yeah, can we just pop in and use that? - Allison, we love your voice. We'd love to develop your idea, give you a bit of money for not a series. - Yeah, yeah, not a pilot. - Have you heard of a taste door? - That's where we make three minutes. We're gonna make three minutes of your script. - We're gonna develop it. - Yeah. - We're gonna find someone, there's someone from Cambridge Footlights here. If you'd like to. - Oh, they're my, they're my better, aren't they? This is great. - Yeah, 'cause we like your voice. - My voice. - Love your voice. - Yes, yes. - It's not like, not my actual voice. - Yeah, just wanna soften it. The edge is a little bit. - Could give you the support that you need. - Yeah, 'cause I can't stop saying cunt. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. - No, a year has passed. - A year has passed. - Yeah, Allison, how are you getting on with this script? - I'm good, I'm still in my overdraft, but like. - Oh, sorry about that. We need to let people know, yeah, there should be some money, whether you're soon. That'd be great 'cause you'll be getting paid about 50 pounds a week, but yeah, it'll all be worth it in the end. Keep your eyes on the prize of getting that series. This is all normal. - I just wanna baff the. - Yeah, that's totally possible. - Oh, great. - Great. - We're gonna have a chat now about programs that you like and that we like, and this is all driving towards a goal. - Okay. - And I have two years later. - Give them a line. - Hey Allison, we've passed on your thing to the commissioner. They've loved it. They are leaving their job next month, so that is a shame, but the new commissioner is great. - Yeah. - They might have very different ideas though. - Do you still want the new flea bag? - No, we're now looking for the new Mrs. Brown's boys. - Oh yeah. - Do you mind doing just two small notes, just two small notes? It'll take no time at all. - Okay. - I'm just presenting the new thing, Mrs. Flea bag. - Yeah, that's great. - It's just where. - By the way, when I said two notes, that means fully rewrite the pilot. - Oh yeah, yeah, no problem, no problem. And you need this by, we need it in a week. - We're not going to pay you any extra money, but we need it in one week. And when are you going to read it and give me feedback? - Well, you know, TV shots down for summer. You know, everyone's in the French. And then it's half-term. And then it's winter. You know, everyone goes home for Christmas. - Christmas, we've got a. - Then the commissioner's going to get a place to get and then this new one, they have their own writers too. - Oh, well, it's been a pleasure. - Yes, thank you. You're actually too old to meet our demographic now. (laughing) - So much time is passed. (laughing) - And get our podcast up in your head.