Dark Reddit Confessions

Hey, what's up guys and welcome back to the channel and today we're getting into what some dark reddit confessions and when I say dark These are some of the most heartbreaking depressing and downright Horrifying confession threads I have ever gotten into so just buckle up because this is a wild one But I appreciate you guys having by means of world to make sure you like the video Subscribe to the channel because the channel subscriber goals one million subscribers It before the end of the year and also consider joining the patreon where you get exclusive bonus content every single week Where I recently most disgusting and dark confessions that I cannot post here on YouTube and trust me when I was looking for reddit threads To include in today's video There was a lot I stumbled across that I could not put on YouTube and I had to put them on the patreon So that bonus video is live now you also get exclusive live streams every single week along with discord access early access content and Add free content all for just five dollars a month and the link is in the first link in the description in the pinned comment I can't wait to see you over there and um. Yeah, like I said these are some truly dark Confession threads and so I'm interested to get into them But also a little bit scared you know what I mean, but um anyways sit back relax grab a drinking grab a snack and without further ado, let's get into some dark reddit confessions. I was blind with revenge. I broke into a home and nearly killed someone They later committed S word. I know what you're thinking There is no justification for killing someone. I know that But I was very confused for a long period of my life and I struggled to make the right choices I don't want to try and justify the fact. I'm a bad person. I just want to explain and for some of you to listen I need to tell people about this The only other person alive who knows is my girlfriend Originally, I had a decent childhood. I was once a happy kind kid Everything was great. I had a mother and father who were very busy with work and had stable jobs I had toys friends everything a happy could could ever want Despite being an only child, I was content. I was often babysit by my family or their friends Sometimes they'd even hire people to look after me My father had a childhood friend who was like a brother to him I called him my uncle because he was so close to our family He looked after me sometimes when my parents were busy I'll be honest. I originally loved my uncle. I remember having good memories with him But all of that was tainted by what he did to me One night when I was young He got very drunk and made me do things to him Things a child shouldn't do He was very aggressive and hurt me My own uncle ordered me when I was young It only happened once but I never forgot it After that, he disappeared from my life He stopped talking to my father and just vanished Years later, I learned that he even moved houses This man who I once called uncle who I thought loved me hurt me and did terrible things to me Of course at the time, I didn't truly understand what happened But I eventually learned what he did in knowing the truth filled me with rage And put me on a path of destruction I was not a happy kid anymore I was always angry People found me scary and unapproachable I basically made barely any friends in school because how bad I was I couldn't get over the fact my uncle did what he did I know this is dramatic but he basically destroyed my life Teenage me was confused and always angry This anger didn't seem to ever stop I was fighting people at school I was a bully And I emotionally hurt many people including those who cared about me Doing the right thing became something I struggled with I was hell bent on revenge and mentally prepared myself constantly For the day me and him saw each other again By the age of around 13, I came to the conclusion That I needed to kill him to finally be able to move on This believed stuck for a very long time I let this dream of revenge consume me I wasn't a happy kid anymore I was a monster I finished school and enrolled in college I met a girl and she somehow saw the best in me when I was certain there was no good left She tried really hard to get through the wall I put up around myself And we opened up to each other in time I told her everything and she tried her best to support me and help me move on with my life But despite her kindness I couldn't move on as he still lived She did remind me constantly that revenge would get me nowhere She told me he wasn't worth it She even mentioned me going to the police and reporting him But none of that was what I wanted to hear Believe me, I did think about every option but I just wanted to revenge more than anything else To me revenge is justice Despite all of this, she still stuck with me through it all Eventually I discovered how easy it was to cyber-stock people I searched constantly online for any useful information on him I'd search his name, stock his social media, and on multiple occasions I cashed him to get information I know so much about him I knew his name, his mobile number, house phone number, his address, hobbies, how he lives alone, the names of his family, and so much more By the time I was 21, I knew more than enough and was ready to kill this man His house was a 30-minute drive away, and was in a rural area His house was in quite an isolated area, so I had little to worry about with people disturbing us I parked outside his house and brought a ridiculously large knife in a crowbar For a while I just waited outside his house and planned how it was all gonna go down And what I was going to do, slash say I had all kinds of crazy plans of how I was going to torture him How I was going to kill him real slow and watch the life leave his eyes I was going to toy with him while he was powerless and watch him squirm I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins and it made me incredibly shaky All my life has led to that very moment I called his house phone to see if he was in and he answered He spoke and I just eerily breathed down the phone in an attempt to unsettle him He ended the phone call and then I broke in through his back door The weirdest part about it was he didn't even try to fight me I hit him in the leg with the crowbar and he just laid there squirming in pain and just stared at me I beat him up and he just took it and didn't try to fight back He said he knows who I am and told me to kill him This man who was a monster no longer seemed so monstrous He was pathetic and weak and begged me to Unalive him He apologized for what he did and said he wants to No longer continue living and then I should do it This man told me he can't live with the guilt anymore None of this was going down how I expected it to My whole life was preparing for this moment but this wasn't the moment I waited for After listening to him say how it was the worst decision of his life How he lives alone so he can't hurt anyone else And that he saw he made me this way I just didn't know what to do He made many pleas for me to make him not live anymore But I decided him living with what he did was bad enough Despite deciding this I still gave him another beating and then I just left and went home I cried so much in the car and at home None of this felt real I didn't know what to do I cried until I fell asleep and when I woke up I felt hollow and empty I no longer felt anger I no longer really felt much of anything A couple weeks or so later my dad told me my uncle committed that's word I'm sure my visit played a big part in him deciding to commit S word I feel guilty even though I wanted him dead No matter if I killed him or not I think I'd still feel guilty I also have a gaping hole that I can't fill now As I no longer have revenge and rage to drive me forward in life I feel so emotionally exhausted I had no plans for what would happen after I killed him And now I just feel empty and lack any form of motivation to move me forward in life Even my girlfriend can't help me feel any better about this I am now hollow This dark part of my life will cast a shadow go over everything, until the day I die. I helped drive a gay teen to S-word. I lived in a flat with a few friends when I was in my early 20s, about 60 years ago. Our place was a flop house/drug den. Huge groups of people were always there drinking and smoking. My flatmates leased out our spare room to this 17-year-old kid. He was a massive dude with a baby face and the stereotypical gay voice, Lisbon Hall. He was gentle and polite. I knew he was going to eat and alive by the macho guys who hung out at my place. They terrorized him. He became the butt of every joke. I called him flame or once and it stuck for good. I don't even remember his name, Daniel maybe. He took the abuse with good humor because he thought we were cool for some reason and wanted to fit in. He started drinking a lot which didn't mean anything to us because we lived above a bottle shop and drank almost every day. He was drinking wine, another reason to tease him. I was nice to him at first for the most part, at least compared to the others, but a couple months of him being mocked and insulted to gotten to him. He went on the aggressive and tried to rip on us the way we did to him. Before he came along, I was the usual target. Being the least horrible to him, he must have seen me as the weakest link and focused his efforts on me. I wasn't wearing that. I made his life hell. I made him school entire bottles of wine if he wanted some weed. I made him drink weed water. I went all out. I used to stop the others when they went too far but I just let them go since he started on me. One night they sat a potato masher on the electric hot plate until it was glowing and branded his ass with it while he slept. I let it happen. I let them go through his room while he wasn't there and they found his adult toys proving he was gay. His insults were sloppy and easy to come back at him from. One night after I made him smash three bottles of wine, he got really aggressive. He was trying to rip on me but I kept turning it around and making him a laughing stock. He stood up from his chair and said, "Let's go. It's on." It was sad and funny watching him act tough. He was twice my size but I'd been in more fights than I'd like to admit and in my group of friends you'd not back down from a fight. I gave him one chance to back down. He didn't. Then I beat him senseless on video. He got sent to everyone. He stopped talking and drank alone in his room for a few weeks afterwards then moved down. I found out a year or two later that he had committed a word. I feel awful and I should feel awful. The ridiculous part is that I'm not straight either. I wouldn't let myself accept it at the time and despised him for what I saw of myself and him. I thought I was doing him a favor by toughening him up so he could hide it better like I did. Instead, I killed him. I don't rip on people at all now and I don't stand for it happening around me. Words hurt more than most people know. I will never forgive myself. I watched my lover die while we were tripping and it haunts me to this day. In 2023, I was 15 female and I was struggling with addiction. I was in and out of psych wards and nothing seemed to be working. Until while I was in a hospital, I met my first love, 16 male. He and I spent as much of our time as we could together. I never knew I could have feeling as strong as I did. We were both very bipolar on medication and had just survived attempts. We bonded and to this day, I have never clicked with someone in that way. I live a state away from him and so when we got out, I wasn't sure if he would ever contact me. Well, he did, and we hit it off again. Soon he asked me out and we began dating, devoting all of our time together. I planned to visit and my father drove four hours for me to meet him. As you can imagine, we could not keep our hands off each other. I was so in love and he was a brilliant person, extremely talented guitarist, hilarious, genius, and very insane. But the only fly he could hurt was him. He would frequently talk about committing S-word, but then he started talking about us committing S-word together. He really didn't mean to sound grim, it was a combination of his illness, angst, and love for me. When we were hanging out together, the addiction in me slowly crept back in somehow. I was so high on young love I didn't even want to use really. I had been relatively sober the whole time we dated, but for some reason, I wanted to do LSD with him. I thought drugs were so cool. In fact, my world revolved around getting high, so I wanted to include him. He seemed fascinated by my addiction, not romanticizing it, but just intrigued. He had only smoked weed before and maybe a few sigs. Some nights we would spend hours on the phone and I'd tell him all of my acid stories, or bugger sugar endeavors. One time he told me his favorite movie was Requiem for a Dream. I told him I never saw it. A decision I would later regret. Well, after our visits, I got home and immediately launched a manic idea. And any bipolar disorder person knows, ideas become reality quick. We were going to do acid together. It was the perfect drug. It's not lethal, it's eye opening, relatively cheap, and it'd be a great bonding experience. Well, as the days went on, I realized I couldn't wait until our next visit. We could just get it from our own plugs and do it on the phone. Another decision I will regret. He talked to a guy who knew a guy and got someone on telegram. And I just went to my regular dealer, 15 per thing per usual, but somehow my boyfriend's guy charged him at $60. Anyone who has done it should know that is an insane deal. Who even needs that many tabs, three at the most is enough. But I was so clouted in addiction, I didn't think twice. It was Wednesday night to school night, but we decided to take it anyway. Around 10 pm, I took my three, he takes two. We were chatting and joking, an hour goes by and he feels nothing. Then, another hour. He asked me something that still rings in my ears to this day. Should I take all 10? Being manic and high, I told him he could. And I watched him shove the entire sheet under his tongue. Maybe another hour goes by. I have no real sense of time at this point. But I remember him ranting about how I am his world, how he will do anything for me, and he has never loved someone so much. Then he started slurring and drooling and laying on the couch staring into the camera. My trip quickly turned into paranoia and anxiety. I was hearing voices and it went south quickly. I just wanted a break from the call to recuperate and be my myself for a few minutes up calm down. I told him I needed to go to the bathroom and I would call him back. He said, "Don't leave me baby. Don't leave." Barely coherent at this point, I assured him I would be right back. I never saw him again. I went to the toilet and after looked in the mirror, huge mistake. I stood there for maybe minutes, maybe hours. I went back into my room and had the most horrific trip ever. I began calling him and calling and texting. I even emailed his brother. I was seeing demons, police helicopters, walls caving in. I was drenched in sweat, paranoid about him. I was sure I would die that night. All of a sudden, it's 7am and my mom comes in to get me up for school, but I am awake and still tweaking. I get to school and he still won't answer. He obviously isn't asleep. He has school too. And I am sober enough to get help. Well, my dad picks me up after I speak to the guidance counselor, brings me home and sits me down. He's past. They found him drenched in a pool of water on his back next to the couch. I went back that same day to the very psych ward I met him in. They even accidentally put me next to his old room. I still haven't recovered. As the years go on, I tried to explain his death to myself. Was it laced? Was it something mixed with the LSD causing serotonin syndrome or seizures? Was it just taking all 10 that did it? I will never get answers. And I feel like a murderer. And on top of this, it is such a terrifying way to pass. He must have went through absolute psychological torture in his last hours. Anyway, I just need its event. It's been over three years and I think about him daily. Any comments or suggestions are welcome. At it, all the people saying this is AI, I wish it was. This is my life. And I don't need to prove my trauma to you. All the people leaving kind insight, thank you deeply. Many of you made me tear up and reading comments was more therapeutic than I anticipated. Also, I am sober and have stayed out of hospitals for two years now. And before we move on to the next confession, I just want to quickly let you guys know about my Patreon. I know I mentioned it in the intro, but I would just like to mention it again because you guys get some truly wild bonus content that I cannot post here on YouTube. And like I said, I stumble across a lot of confession threads that are too crazy for YouTube. And that's where they exist on Patreon, where I read them out every single week. And it's a great time, but it's also crazy and also creepy a lot of the time. But you also get exclusive live streams, Discord access, early access content, and ad free content. All for just $5 a month. And the support really helps to show a lot. So I would really be appreciative if you joined. And I appreciate the support and you guys get some great content. And I can't wait to see you over there. The link is in the first link in the description. And the pinned comment. And now on to the next one. I bullied my ex into having a termination when I was 19. The shame consumes me. Every single day. I'm not sure how this is going to be taken. I did my high school girlfriend from when we were 15 and until we were 19. We had a very innocent relationship. We were each other's first everythings, no trust issues, and really just a beautiful relationship. I've never come to having anything close to that sense. We ended up going long distance for university. I went to school a couple hours away and she stayed at her hometown. We would see each other every couple of weeks. We weren't on any birth control and used a combination of withdrawal and timing or cycle. Hardly perfect. I became an awful boyfriend too. Started to drink, to drugs, and party. None of which I did before. I lightly cheated on her during this time period. Sarah found out she was pregnant around November. My immediate reaction was total panic. I didn't want to be a father. And I didn't want to give up the party, the booger sugar, the booze, and everything. The idea of being a parent was the last thing I wanted. Sarah was just as scared but seemed sure she wanted to keep the baby. Something snapped in me. I lost my soul. I tortured her into having a termination. I bullied her and told her it wasn't mine since we were long distance. I said I wouldn't be there for her baby. That I would tell her everyone she cheated on me and that it wasn't mine. Afed up because I was cheating on her. I kept telling her that the baby was nothing. It couldn't feel a thing. I told her I would never speak to her again if she didn't have a termination. I broke her spirit. Once it was done, I could see how much it wrecked her. We were only together for a month longer and I broke up with her because I couldn't handle her pain. I was such a coward. I've cleaned up my life a lot since then but I know nothing I do can make up for the gravity of these sins I committed before. I haven't used anything in three years. No alcohol, drugs, anything. I have found God but Reddit isn't the type of place for that talk. I still think about the termination every single day. I think of what if? I see Sarah now and see what a wreck she is and I'm convinced it's because of me. I basically emotionally are worded her to kill my own. Who does that? I'm too much of a coward to face Sarah. I know she hates me. I haven't told a soul about any of this. Ask me anything if you want. Thanks. And now let's get into some of the top comments. One user says, "Have you ever apologized to her? I think it's time if you haven't." And the OP response and says, "No, I have not apologized to her. It's long overdue. I'm going to work on myself some more and I hope sometimes soon I will develop the courage necessary to give her the apology she deserves." And another user says, "The approach was pretty messed up. But think about how bad it would have been if you kept the child. Two clueless 19-year-olds with no means of emotionally or financially supporting a child, which you two basically still were. You would forego chances of a good education, job, and means of protecting a good future for the child. And you'd have to grow up far earlier than anyone should. Dude, you messed up. But you would have messed up worse bringing a child into the world that would have ruined the three of you. I feel sorry for your ex. You did not need to handle it like that. I'm sure she could have rationally come to the conclusion without you berating her. Still 19? You were a kid. Don't feel so bad. Just learn from it." And the OP response and says, "I wish I could go back and change it." "I regret having that termination so much every single time I see a baby, it triggers me to what I've done. I understand your point, but I respectfully disagree. If I didn't pressure her, she would have not had the termination. She was crying before and after the procedure. I basically forced her to have it. So I will have to live with that shame and guilt forever." I dress in camouflage and track people in the woods. This isn't something I've ever told anyone and is likely one of the otter confessions up here. I like to think what I'm doing isn't nearly as ominous as the title may suggest. I really don't have any ill intentions. This certainly isn't intimate and I don't set out with the intention of scaring anyone, though there have been a few situations where I've clearly creeped some people out. But it's never my intention to make contact. In fact, I feel kind of like I lost if people start to suspect I'm out there. I'm a 25 year old guy. I love camping and backpacking. I really feel more at home out in the woods, which is how this started out. That and an interest in military history and apocalyptic zombie fiction. Yeah, I'm a dork I know. I pop out to our local forest preserve, which is actually several thousand acres of upland forests, just hiking and getting my fill of the outdoors on the weekend before dredging back to the work week. One time, I popped off the trail to just kind of stop and listen. And this couple walked by just a few feet from me and didn't even notice. It was kind of a cool feeling, exhilarating. I let them get up ahead a few hundred yards and just spent the next few miles following them, listening to their conversations, seeing how close I could get and plain old hiking clothes with no camo. I was able to get within about 20 feet. Didn't do anything. Didn't say anything and they never even knew I was there. Never since then, I've been hooked. It's turned into a sport for me and a way to get out into nature and do something other than just walk the trails. I've brought camo outfits. I have a couple different sets to blend in with the changing seasons, which makes me feel gross to know that I've been doing it for this long. I'm getting better and better. Saturday, I was 10 feet up a tree above a couple in their 40s while they launch. I sat motionless directly above their heads for for nearly a half hour and they never even saw me. I know it sounds creepy and sick, hence the throw-away account. I'm not proud of the behavior, but I do feel a sense of pride when I've gotten extremely close or followed for a very long time without being noticed. Bottom line, I know I should stop. I know one day I might pick the wrong person who's gonna catch on and I'll end up dead because someone flipped out on me or got scared and pulled the gun. So that's my dark little secret. I'll stick around to answer a couple of questions if anyone has any. Otherwise, I'm just gonna soak up the inevitable hates and use it as a reminder to ease up on the creepy stuff. One person says, "Do people ever get suspicious that they are being followed and start looking around?" And the OP response and says, "occasionally, most people are oblivious. Especially younger people. Oddly enough, it's the old guys who catch on the quickest." Often enough so that I typically don't risk following them. That and I don't want to give anyone a coronary. Generally, guys at 65+ keon within the first five minutes or so. I think maybe it has to do with a higher likelihood of military background? Who knows. And one user quotes the OP when the OP said, "I know one day I might pick the wrong person who's gonna catch on and I'll end up dead because someone flipped out on me or got scared and pulled the gun." And the commenter replies to that quote and says, "Not to be ominous or anything, but that is highly likely. Most experienced hunters slash hikers are armed. Anyone that is an observant and fairly skilled hunter can tell when they're being hunted themselves. If you like to do this, good for you. Keep in mind, the odds of you getting injured because somebody reacts and self-defense are serious. I really doubt the law would be on your side either. If you really like to do this, why don't you channel that into something less endangering?" Teaches survivalist class. It isn't hard and there are a lot of people out there that know nothing about the world outside of their suburbs and cities. And the OP responds and says, "Probably good advice." And another user says, "It isn't so much creepy as dangerous. I mean, I think it is really cool that you do your own thing and follow your passions. I would just suggest you find a good way to get this sort of thrill that isn't liable to get your ass beat or make someone feel uncomfortable. Maybe turn it into a forest stalking game with someone off Craigslist." Hell, that sounds pretty awesome now that I think of it. And the OP responds and says, "You had me until you said Craigslist. I see plenty of Craigslist stuff here and I'm out of there. Kind of gross." And we have never heard from the OP ever again, but it is quite terrifying to think that if you're going out on a leisurely stroll or hike, that there could be someone like the OP following you for no reason. Like that is just terrifying and who knows if OP's passion, if you can even call it that, or like this interest he has, doesn't grow into something a little more sinister. You know what I mean? Like who knows if he's going to start testing the people walking down the trail or trying to mess with them in any way. And if that grows into something else, but it's so so creepy and it's going to definitely give me the chills next time I'm on a hike. I'm going to think of this right of threat and be like, "Well, is there anybody stalking me?" Keep your head on the swivel whenever you guys are hiking. To the man I left in Alaska and before we get into it, I just want to make it clear that this is an unsent letter to a lover the OP had. And it is by far the most heartbreaking confession I have ever read. And let's get into it. A letter to the man I left behind. God. Where do I even begin? It's been so long. So long since I've heard your voice or looked into your eyes. So long since I've felt your arms wrapped around me. And laid my head against your chest to listen to your heartbeat. My most favorite sound in the world. It's been so long, but isn't it weird that still I remember every detail I have forgotten a lot of my life more than I care to admit. But you, you I remember. Everything, memories, vivid and relentless, so real it almost makes them feel as if they happened it yesterday. But it's been three years now. Three years since I've left and I've regretted it every single day. Deep down I know that this letter will never reach you and that in all reality I will probably never speak to you or see you ever again. I'm slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that all the words I've kept locked inside my heart for you all these years will never have their chance to be heard. And if I'm being honest, that kills me inside. The tiny, hopeful part of me that I do have left. And I suppose when you boil it down, that's the real reason I'm writing this. One last chance effort, because really, we never did get our closure. I left you clinging to a million promises that I would return one day. A promise I fully intended to keep with every ounce of myself, mind you. But then life stepped in, or fate, I guess. And before I knew it, I lost what little chance I had to make things right. Probably forever. I accept that, I just have to live with it now. And it's a heartbreak I feel every single day, one that I will truly never get over. It strikes me just as deep today as it did the day I left my little slice of heaven with you, hidden up in the mountains of Valdez and flew straight back to Indiana. The hell I'd be trapped in my whole life. And now it seems as though I'll be stuck here forever, kind of like my punishment, I guess. Karma's a sick way of making sure I pay for what I did, but I'll take whatever punishment the universe thinks I deserve, and I'll take it without complaint. I gladly tear my own heart out of my chest and offer that up as penance if I thought it would make things right. But the time for that is long over. And as I've said before, I cannot blame anyone but myself. It was without a doubt 100% my fault, and anyone with a brain can see that. We are the product of our own choices after all. I just never thought the one major mistake I would make in my life would actually cost me the love of my life, because that's what you are to me. Even still, you always were and always will be. The way I feel about you has never changed, and will never change, as long as I am breathing. For a long time, I told myself it would pass, that I would heal and move on or find someone else that would make me forget, but now I know that will never be the case. How do I know you may ask? Because it's been three years, three years since the last time I saw your face. And I still see it every day. No, that's not an exaggeration. I see you everywhere. I hear you in damn near every song that comes on the radio. I see you driving around town anytime I see a black grand prix. I see you anytime I go past IHOP, where you first walked up to me and said hello. Or by tear town where I used to live. Or by your mother's house, or your aunt and uncle's house, or every time I see a god damn Wilson's tree service sign taunting me from every corner in the city. And if you really want the truth, I even started dating somebody once, just because when I met them, they instantly reminded me of you. So similar, it made me think, hey, if I can't have the real thing, might as well have something that's close, right? How terrible is that? Also, super bad idea, by the way, but that's another story. It makes me sick with myself. But if we're being honest, I've been unhappy with myself for a really long time. So what's new? In God, the nights, nighttime was once my favorite part of the day. One of the many things you and I had in common. Now my nights are torture, your face, your voice, the ghost of your touch, memories of you haunt me in the night. I thought that maybe over time, the dreams would fade, the nightmares would stop, and that things would get better. I have never been more wrong about anything in my life. Nearly every single night, I either wake up in cold sweats, shaking off the same reoccurring nightmare I've been having at least once a week since I came back to Indiana. or I wake up in a half days with your name on my lips and my hands searching for you in the sheets clinging to the shards of a dream that will never again be reality. For a moment, it's almost like you're still there and then I open my eyes and the vision of your face fades away. It's the same every morning and for half a second, I let my heart break all over again. Then I push it aside, swallow the pain and go through the motions. I glide through my life on autopilot and I must say I've gotten pretty good at it over the years. Now, I don't want you to think I wrote this as some pathetic attempt to get you back or to rekindle an old flame or whatever. That is the last thing I want you to think. I know you're married, hopefully very happily so. And I would never, in a million years, want to spoil something for you, they worked for so hard to find. All I ever wanted for you was to be truly happy. And I know that sounds so incredibly cliche, but it really is sincere. Your happiness was always my first priority, whether you believe me or not. I know it may not seem like it with everything I did, but if I had the chance to explain, like really explain my reasoning for everything, then maybe at least you may finally understand. And hopefully one day forgive me. So here goes nothing. I'd hoped I'd one day be able to look you in the eye and say this to you in person. I felt I owed you that much at least. But like I said, I have officially come to the realization that this is probably never going to happen, mostly because I know you don't want it to happen. So I have to find a way to get this out somehow. Otherwise, it'll destroy what little sanity I'd been clinging to. I don't know if you remember everything from that time like I do. So I'll try to explain everything the best I can without giving away too many personal details. And you don't have to believe me if you don't want to. Hell, if I was you, I wouldn't want to listen to or believe a word that came out of my mouth either. But I swear to you that every single word in this letter is nothing but honesty. This is truthfully the most honest and open thing I have ever written. And there's a 99.9% chance you will never even read it. Ironic, huh? Now in order for me to explain this in a way that's going to make sense, we need to go back way back to a time before you ever even asked me to go with you to Alaska to the days of your Coast Guard training when you were locked away from me on that base for months without a single letter or phone call to get me through those long weeks. The fact that we had fought and split up before you left for basic eight at me alive every single day it made me question whether we would even have a chance when you came back if you would even want to work things out with me or if you were just ready to move on with your life without me in it. And let me tell you, it was hard being technically single when your heart belongs to someone else entirely. It was a very confusing time for me and after not hearing anything from you almost the entire time you were gone, I stupidly assumed you had washed your hands at me for good and I attempted to mend my broken heart by trying to lose myself and someone else. Big mistake number one, I immediately felt guilty. My rational mind told me I really shouldn't. You and I had obviously broken up and I technically hadn't cheated but it felt like I did. In my mind, it was close enough. I felt disgusted with myself, beyond disgusted even. It was only ever happened in the one time but that was enough. I felt like I betrayed you which I did and that I had let you down which I had because truth be told even though we had separated and neither one of us was sure what was going to happen after you came back. I know deep down that both of us had silently agreed to wait. We never spoke about it. Not out loud but some part of me always felt like I had broken a promise to you that I had never made outside of my head. And then lo and behold, not even a week later, just a week before you came home, I got your letters. All of them at once. There were only a couple but I couldn't believe it. I held them in my hands and cried. Cried real tears all over those envelopes as a mixture of emotions flooded my mind. Don't get me wrong. A huge part of me was a static. Most of my tears were tears of joy over the fact that I hadn't lost you for good. At least not yet anyway. But that tiny part of me that felt guilty, wept over what I had done. I hoped that it wouldn't ruin things when you returned. But I never imagined the amount of damage I had already done. Then a day or two later, I get a message from you on my phone. I jumped out of my seat. I was so excited. I spent all of that day in heaven as I listened to your voice for the first time in months. And you told me that the minute you came home, you wanted to see me. So we could start again where we left off. That was the second happiest moment of my life. I knew in the back of my mind things wouldn't be easy. But at least I knew you still felt something for me that I had a chance to salvage what I almost ruined. Even though of course I ruined it in the end anyways. The day you came home was perfection. I ran into your arms and held you like I would never have to let you go again. I saw the love in your eyes when he looked at me and I felt it in your lips when he kissed me. And it was in that moment I profoundly knew. You were it. You were the one. I had already secretly admitted it to myself in the corners of my mind. But that day I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. You were mine. I was yours. And all I wanted to do was to spend the rest of my life with you. I didn't care where or how all that mattered was that you were here and that you loved me. Really truly loved me in the way I loved you. I didn't know love like that even existed in real life. And I had found it in you. A small cloud of darkness loomed over us however. No matter how much we tried to ignore it. Not only were you only days away from being stationed half a world away. But I knew once I told you that I had slept with someone else while we were apart. You would be upset. Which you had every right to be. I was scared out of my mind that it would be the end. But I steal my nerves and told you anyway. And even though I watched you punch solid steel afterwards. I was beyond shocked when after a few minutes. You calmed down and told me that in all reality. You couldn't be mad. And they you still loved me just the same. Despite what had happened while we were apart. I couldn't believe my years. And then that night you did something. I will never forget. You got on one knee and asked me to come with you. It was crazy. You were only two days away from moving thousands of miles away and you were asking me to drop everything. My life, my friends, my family and come with you. I couldn't say yes fast enough. I cried more happy tears as you picked me up, spun me around and promised me a lifetime together. Then you gave me your chain with your coast guard graduation ring on it and said to me that you knew it wasn't much but one day you would give me a real ring with a real promise to never leave each other side again. When my mom dropped me off at the airport, she cried and told me she'd miss me. But that she wasn't worried because she'd never seen me so happy. And she was right. That was the happiest I'd ever been in my life. My time in Alaska with you, that is my happy place. That's what I dream about the most. The fairy tale life I almost had with you. And I say fairy tale as if we were living in a castle which couldn't be further from the truth. We found a local bed and breakfast to stay in for a month or two while we could save up for a down payment on a place. It was like a little apartment in the basement of someone's house. Complete with a tiny kitchenette and even a tiny bathroom. With a shower so small, you could barely turn around inside of it. But it was still bliss for me because you were there too. I spent my days browsing for jobs and counting down the minutes to when you would be home and I would see that face I loved so much. I remember laughing and dancing around the kitchen while I tried my best to impress you with my mediocre cooking skills. I remember to find all odds and squeezing into that tiny shower together, because showers together were always our thing. I remember us trying and failing to maneuver around each other, and you chuckling and pull me under close to the water when I got frustrated, saying you liked it better this way because it brought me even closer to you. I remember all the love, all the passion, because God, if there's one thing our relationship thrived on, it was passion. So much passion and want that it felt like I was bursting at the seams with it. I never wanted it to end, but little did I know, life was about to screw me hard. You weren't even there for two weeks and the dreams started, weird dreams, vivid and intense dreams of you leaving forever, dreams of you dying, dreams of you telling me you hated me, over and over again for days, it bothered me, really bothered me. I mentioned it to you, but you told me it was nothing, just my mind plain tricks on me. I had just gone through a major change. I needed to give my subconscious mind some time to adjust. I agreed still a little wary but I went on with life and pushed it into the back of my mind. Then one night while I was cooking hamburgers, bacon and blue cheese, your favorite, and then wham. The smell of cooking beef hits me like a mack truck. And the next thing I know, I'm in the bathroom puking my guts up. Red flags in my head are going off like sirens. I never get sick, and that just came out of nowhere. I wait for you to come home and explain what happened, but you don't seem too concerned. Offhandedly, you say something like, "Well, if we weren't so careful, I'd just say you were pregnant." The words that stopped me cold. "No, no, I can't be pregnant." He's right, he and I were extremely careful, and besides, he didn't even want children. You had told me yourself, ironically, just stays prior. That if we did have kids one day, emphasis on the if. It wouldn't be until we were well into our thirties. We had plans to travel the world. I had school to finish, and we both had careers we wanted to pursue. We didn't have time for a baby yet. It just wasn't possible. I spent the next few minutes coming myself down and reassuring myself that there was absolutely no way I could be pregnant, and then it dawns on me. Yes, yes I could be, just with someone else's baby. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I started freaking out. My mind was racing a million miles an hour and I wanted to scream, but I stayed silent. What was I supposed to say? "Hey babe, I know it's midnight, but we need to go to the store so I can get a pregnancy test to find out if I'm pregnant with someone else's kid. Hell no. There was no way I was going to risk losing what I just worked for so hard to save, so I shut my mouth, pretended like everything was fine, and went to bed. But I didn't sleep. Not a wink. I lay there all night and prayed to God, to anyone that was listening, that I was wrong. I begged and pleaded, promised that I would never ask for anything in my life again as long as I could have this one thing, this one man who I loved more than I loved myself. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, but no one was listening." The next morning, after you kissed me goodbye and left for the station, I bundled up and walked to the grocery store cross town. Careful not to go by the barracks for fear of being seen. I bought the test, rushed back home and ran to the bathroom. The test I got was the one that told you how many weeks along you were. I got the nice one because I wanted to be sure. Waiting for that goddamn test was the longest two minutes of my life, and when I saw the results, it shattered me. I was four to six weeks along. That was long before you ever had come home, and my worst fears had been confirmed. I immediately turned around and threw up right into the toilet. My worst nightmare was literally coming true right before my eyes. And what could I do to stop it? Get a termination? The thought was tempting for half a second, but I quickly pushed it out of my mind. I knew I couldn't do it, even in the situation. It would kill me inside if I did, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards. That much I knew. Adoption? Come on. Be realistic. Keep it? It seemed like my only option. It was my only option. I knew there was no way I could have a termination and be able to look at myself in the mirror ever again, and I knew there was no way I could carry a child to full term and then just give it away to some stranger either, so I had to keep it. I had no other choice, but that wasn't what I was most worried about in that moment. I was worried about you, about how you would feel, about what you would say and think, about how much I knew this was going to hurt you, so many questions raced through my head. Would you hate me? The way I felt about myself. Would you still want to be with me? Would you be willing to allow this child into your home, and then it dawns on me? I can't stay. There's no way I can stay. You don't even want your own children. How in the world could I expect you to support and love the child of the man you hated most in this world? My child would be living, breathing reminder, of the darkest part of our history, and I knew in that moment whether you admitted it or not, you would never be able to love that child like your own. Never. A tiny part of you would always hate that child, and I couldn't put you through that. Because if you want the truth, when I was deciding whether or not I should leave, you were my main concern. My thoughts were not on what was best for me, or even what was best for my child. In fact, for a really, really long time, I resented the child growing inside of me. It had ruined everything. But even though my heart and my soul were both screaming at me to stay, to make it work somehow, to be selfish and force you into the situation with me, I just couldn't do it. I loved you too much to hold you back, and I knew that was exactly what I would be doing. You had plans and dreams and aspirations, and a child would have buried all of those things. You wouldn't have been able to do a single thing you would plan to do. And I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. And in that moment, I knew what I had to do. I got online and secured a plane ticket home, mustard what little backbone I had left, choked back my sobs and started packing. What I didn't expect was for you to come home early that day. It was a Friday. I had scheduled my flight for that night, so that I would have an hour or so after you came home to explain myself before I needed to go to the airport. But to my utter surprise you walked in the door a little afternoon, beaming from ear to ear, excited to surprise me, and anxious to start our weekend together. But then I watched your joy turn into horror when you took a look around the bedroom and saw my suitcases out and clothes scattered all around. Their eyes met mine and I will never, ever forget that look as long as I live. Fear. Fear, fear. A look I had never seen from you before, ever. Of course I hadn't. You were my fearless warrior, my fierce protector, my angel of darkness, nothing could ever scare you. Except, I guess, the thought of losing me. You immediately ran to me. Felt your knees, took me by the hand and begged me to tell you what was wrong. What had happened? I wasn't leaving, was I? I couldn't leave. We had just got there. My resolve cracked, and the strength I had gathered to try to remain composed disappeared. Before I could say a word, I broke down. I started sobbing. But I told myself there was nothing else that could be done. If I really loved him, this was my only option. The next parts are hard for me to even think about. I can still physically feel the same pain I felt that day every time I think about it, like a punch to the gut. I can't breathe, I can't speak. It's like someone's carving my heart out of my chest, and in that moment I would have rather taken getting my heart cut out over what happened next. I explained as calmly and quickly as I could. What I had found out that morning a Flood of emotions crossed your face disbelief disgust anger hurt and finally fear You said a lot of things That it was an easy fix that I can just get rid of it and everything would be fine And then when you realized I wouldn't even consider that option You tried to reason with me You promised me that nothing would change That the baby would come out and that you would love it like your own That everything would be perfect and that we could make it work But you and I both knew that was a lie I could hear it in your voice and afterwards when I called you out on it You didn't even try to argue with me You knew you could never love another man's child and I couldn't blame you But my mind was made up I Wasn't going to force you into a life you never wanted no matter how much it hurt to walk away No matter how bad I wanted to stay Even though I knew the second I got on that plane my soul would leave my body and stay behind I think you realized that I wasn't budging and after several more minutes of pleading You finally gave up slumped into my arms and sobbed I had never seen you cry before and this was more than just crying Hard body shaking gut wrenching sobs I felt helpless and there was nothing I could do to heal your pain except hold you in my arms And it wasn't enough for either of us. I could feel Literally feel our hearts breaking as one together. I had never felt pain like that in my life And I don't think I'll ever experience pain like that again My heart has been permanently broken ever since and I am riddled with scars that will never heal And I had no one to blame except myself We spent the rest of the day curled up in each other's arms crying on and off and trying to make some kind of light of the situation The minutes counted down too quickly and before I knew it we were on our way to the airport I was silent as the grave the whole way there Hot tears rolling down like rivers down my cheeks I Briefly wondered when the tears would end. I never even knew it was possible for a person to cry so much When we got to the airport you tried one more time to beg me to stay When I wouldn't budge you tried another method Come back to me then I looked up shocked come back after all of this was he crazy? We both knew this was the end Even though it was the last thing either of us wanted You must have seen the disbelief on my face Because I don't even have a chance to speak before you were off again. I mean it. I love you Come back to me. I don't care when I don't care what I'm doing with my life Or if I'm with someone else. I don't care if it's nine months from now or a year from now or five years from now I don't care. Just promise me you'll come back. Come back to me. Please. I Looks back at you The man of my dreams the man I loved more than anything I had ever loved in my entire life The man I would have laid down my life for which you know weird way felt like exactly what I was doing At first thought I said no he doesn't mean that He can't But I looked deep into your eyes and I could see you meant it Every word You really wanted me to come back one day once I got everything figured out Despite everything you really did love me the way I loved you I was speechless I Didn't deserve that kind of love that kind of devotion, but you gave it to me anyway So I said yes I promised you right then and there that I would come back to you one day and I meant it From the very bottom of my soul. I didn't know when I didn't know how but I knew I would find my way back to you I had to We were soulmates after all We would find a way to make it work eventually Fate had brought us together for a reason and this wasn't the reason That much I was sure of I Kissed you one last time held you for one last second Repeated my promise it doesn't more times and then stood there in the snow and watched your tail lights fade away into the night I broke down one last time Because I knew it would be a long long time before I saw you again But I had hope A tiny glimmer of hope that may be one day. I would have a chance to come back and make things right But I never got that chance like I said before life intervened in those nine months flashed right before my eyes faster than I could have imagined We talked off and on for a while after I left But it was always so painful for both of us. We couldn't handle it much The nightmares got worse. My hopes started to grew dim as my belly grew larger and I started to get a sinking feeling That I would never get my redemption after all I got my answer shortly after my son was born in September Having a child had put a lot of things in perspective for me a Lot of things that I used to question finally made sense I finally felt like I was getting to a place where maybe we could try again I knew it would be hard extremely hard But I was so willing to make it work And I hoped that you would still would be - I Just didn't know how to approach it It seems like a phone call just wasn't enough But I couldn't just show up out of the blue and Valdez one day either With absolutely no warning as I was taking the time to think about my options I just so happened to run into one of your cousins at a bar one night while I was out with friends for my birthday At first I was super embarrassed and nervous. I Couldn't believe she remembered me as I had only met her once But she came right back up to me and hugged me and said hi and that she couldn't believe how good I looked since I had just had a baby You knew about that I asked stunned of course. I knew she blurt's out Definitely tips you at the very least my god. We couldn't get him to shut up about you for the longest time He never had one bad thing to say about you either Just that he missed you My heart immediately swelled Could it be I'm not too late She saw my hopelessness and immediately took pity. I'd hoped too soon Well, she says slower this time That was before this new girl anyway And bam There it was The hard truth finally out in the open. I knew something was up since I hadn't heard from you in weeks I just didn't think it would be this It had been less than a year since I'd left and he was with someone else I immediately was furious What about all those promises we made to each other? What about what he said to me when I left and he didn't care if he was with someone else or not? That if I came back he would be there waiting for me No matter what he had promised me damn it But then I realized I had absolutely no right to be upset None whatsoever I couldn't hold him to that promise. What kind of person would I be? Who was I to try to step in and throw a wrench into a well-oiled machine if he had truly found happiness up in the mountains and That happiness wasn't me that I had to accept that one way or another So I walked away for good I've kept my distance even though it's killed me every day So there you have it my entire confession Why I left why I didn't come back. It's all there. I Honestly don't know where to go from here Now that I've gotten it all out It seems a bit anti-climatic, don't you think? A lot of build up with no resolution. I Feel like I'm placing a message in a bottle and sending it out to see Knowing I'll never receive any true answers and that I'll always be left to wonder There are so many questions. I wish I could ask you What I wouldn't give for one day One hour with you just to talk To finally get answers to all of my nagging questions questions like are you really happy is your wife everything? You dreamed it should be Do you love her more than you loved me? Did you really mean the things you said when I left? Will there ever be any kind of future for us as friends or otherwise? These are all questions. I know will never be answer and they still torture me to this day They probably will until the day I leave this earth However in the one in a billion chance that you do see this That's somehow you find it and actually read it all the way through Until the end, then please say something. I don't care if it's just an email that says "never speak to me again" or "I hate you" or "worse" at least then I would know. I need to know. I know you don't love me anymore, but if you ever once did, then please give me that much. That's all I'm asking. Just make sure you put something in the email that makes me know without a doubt that it's you and not some random person effing with my emotions. My heart and soul will always belong to you. That much will never change. I hope one day, somehow, our paths will cross again. I love you more than you could ever know. And I'm sorry for everything. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. My drug use finally caused me to lose my friends, my family, and most likely my job. And I deserve it all. Throw away for obvious reasons. This is very long, but I need to write it down. First off, I am a drug addict. And I have diagnosed major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I tried to self-medicate with my drugs of choice, over-the-counter pills, bench drill, and general cough medicine. I could never find a consistent person to buy weed from. And when I did, I never really liked the feeling it gave me. So I went with over-the-counter drugs. They are everywhere and easily accessible. I am psychologically addicted to them. For about ten years, my drug issue has been my issue. It didn't really affect anyone except me. My immediate family knew I was struggling with it, but they would always support me and try to help with my recovery. But six months ago, that all changed. You should know that I deserve everything that happened to me. It started with losing my friends. I was tripping on a ton of over-the-counter cough medicine. I ruined a friendship with a great group of people in the blink of an eye. While I was tripping on the cough medicine, I called and left too very creepy and delusional social media voice mails on one of my good friends's sister's account. She literally has no idea who I am. Out of the blue, I leave two delusional sounding voice mails. One was, "Hello, I know you're an expert in the medical field, and I would like to pick your brain on an idea that could revolutionize the medical field. I know this place down by the river where we can talk." Thinking I left a very well-thought-out message while tripping out of my mind. I hang up with a beam of self-confidence and pride that I'm going to put this idea into action. But what the hell? I know a place down by the river? I have an idea that could revolutionize the medical field? Who the hell speaks like that to a person that has zero idea who I am? In my head, I'm thinking what a great idea I put forward and what a great restaurant down on the riverfront we could discuss it all. It was a quaint little new age vegan place that prides itself on making food that tastes delicious. I'm not vegan, but I had a date the week before with a woman who is vegan, and I figured I'd try this place. It was actually really good, so I thought it would be a great place to hit up again. She runs to her brother, one of my best friends, about what I said and how I sounded. He messages me to get my stuff together. And like that, boom, friendship lost, gone, in the blink of an eye. He is one of the most laid back individuals that rarely gets mad or pissed off. But I went too far. I always go too far. I brought an unknown individual into my screwed up life. And not only was it an unknown individual, but his sister. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't thinking I'm a drug addict. The news quickly spread around the friend group. We are pretty tight. Or well, we were pretty tight. Well, actually, they still are a pretty tight group, I'm just kicked out. And it's deserved. I deserved to lose my friends. Good people do not hang around drug addicts and people who make awful decisions. Good people don't enable that behavior, they leave, and that's what they did. They left. I have no one to blame but myself. No more invites to go bowling. No more invites to go to the BBQ. No more invites to hang out and watch a sports game on a random night. It's gone. And it's my fault. The interesting thing at this point is that, before I messaged his sister on my drug adult, induced insane brain, I was actually clean for about six months. Not too bad, right? Six months is a long time to be clean for a struggling addict. But it doesn't matter. The first of three strong pillars that I used to lead on is reduced to nothing. I was never formally kicked out of our friend group, it was just understood. I know to not come around anymore. I know to seclude myself. I read between the lines, no more chances, no more forgiveness, I crossed the line. I went too far for the last time, and it's my fault. There's no one to blame but me. During this, I turned to more drugs. I quit the over-the-counter cough medicine and go back to my favored drug of choice. Benadryl. I'm downing, a ton of it. In this stuff stays in your systems for days. My eyes are dilated for at least two days. I'm pale and my skin is flushed. I can't put a coherent sentence together, and I sweat like a gross pig, just drenched at any given moment. This is where I lose my family. My family has weekly dinners on Sunday, just for us to hang out and catch up from the week. I come over stoneed out of my mind for the first time in months. In the first thing my father says to me is, I'm not going to deal with you when you're like this. He knew immediately, everyone knew immediately when I walked in. He was left at that, but no one would talk to me, or listen to what I said. I was ignored because they were not going to humor a drug addict. I was ignored. I didn't even realize I was being ignored. I kept thinking with the crappy over-confidence the drug can give you that I was great and everything was awesome. It wasn't. Two weeks later I noticed something. My family has a group chat and all of a sudden they aren't talking in it anymore. I didn't realize they made a new one. And they made a new one because they don't want a drug-addled human around two little nieces and one little nephew. That makes complete sense, right? Get the drug addict out. We don't want him around. Who wants a drug addict around? No one. I only put it together when I showed up around me on a Sunday and my mother and father both say, "What are you doing here?" Not in the, "Oh, it's nice to see you, but in the why are you over here stoned?" We don't want you here. I replied with, "It's Sunday. We get together on Sundays." And they both just reply, "Oh." The next week was my brother's birthday. And I received a call two days before saying I wasn't more than welcome to come, but that I had to pay my own way at the restaurant. That's a huge red flag. My parents never make us pay when we go out to eat as a family. The reason they said I would have to pay is because they were done supporting my addiction. If I was going to get stoned and come around the family blitzed out of my mind, I was not going to get any of the perks of the family. That makes total sense. For years, they've held my hand to try and help me with my drug issue. And they were finally done holding up my hand. Everything needed to change that showed me they wouldn't deal with my stuff anymore. It's a wake up call for me. It is deserved. I'm not blind to the consequences I'm bearing because of the choices I made. Duh. It's obvious. It makes sense. Maybe to them and finally me, it will be the only way they get through to me. Nothing else worked. So maybe this might. On the day of my brother's birthday, I forgot it was his birthday. Usually a tax would get sent to the family group giving an everyone a reminder, but remember, they aren't using the family group message I'm in. They made a separate one. They didn't even ask why I didn't show up. I brought it up and said, sorry. I forgot about your birthday. No one sent me a reminder message. They all just kind of looked at me like, oh, okay. They figured I was high, and you know, I was high. And why would they want that around? They don't. They are finished today's Sunday. They used to put out a reminder tax that we will get together today, and they will put out the tax, but I won't receive it. I've lost my family due to my own choices. I, just like my friends, will seclude myself from them. It's my punishment. It's my hell. I deserve it. Now I've lost my friends and my family due to my decisions. I am purposefully secluded myself because it's the apt punishment for being the person I am. As a result, I've been doing more and more drugs. I've been going into work the past three weeks stoned. It's obvious. And my coworkers and boss are furious. Though they won't say it to my face, it's a great, hardworking company. But no BS as well. It's literally a dream job and position. And I'm screwing myself. My outside of work decisions are influencing my work. Businesses don't care. The reason why you're having a bad time or whatever excuse you can come up with, it's a job and you work. They haven't told me yet, but I can feel the dominoes falling. People are very short with me. I'm ignored and the big one. My boss holds monthly one-on-one meetings with her subordinates to gauge how they are feeling and how the job is doing. Pretty nice, right? However, when I ask, she provides me with zero constructive criticism and they are taking work away from me. Those are literally the two biggest red flags that an employee is about to get fired. She also constantly talks about how this job may not fit for me and how maybe I should look into working a different job. Damn. However, this company is literally my dream job. All I can do is to hopefully repair what little reputation I have left by doing the absolute best I can and working diligently to change my behavior. I have to get lucky. I have to hope I'm giving the benefit of the doubt, but I'm literally down to the last straw. It's not hourly said, but I can read the signs. If it's one thing I know how to do is how to read people when they are disgusted with me and pissed at me. I'm so used to seeing those micro expressions on people's faces due to my addiction, disappointment, anger, disgust, drug addicts, know what those faces look like because they always see those faces. But it's not like I don't deserve it. It's absolutely unacceptable the way I'm behaving in a company that took a chance to invest in me. I can hope it's not too late. I feel myself in a spiral downwards. I'm going to hit soon and I'm going to hit hard and there is no one to blame but me. I've already lost my friends and family. I'm most likely going to lose my job. My depression is at an 11 out of 10 right now and thoughts of S-word are roaring through my brain. I'm of age. I can legally purchase a firearm. The only thing that's stopping me is a shred of hope that forgiveness is still possible. I need to get lucky. But there is no reason I deserve that luck. I am what choices I make and I have made awful choices. I deserve the repercussions that have come and will come from the decisions I made. I cheated on the woman I was supposed to marry. I saw what it did to her and I don't know how to live with myself. I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe I'm genuinely just crying for help. Months ago, I lost my fiance because of my own choices. I cheated on someone who loved me, trusted me, and was preparing to spend the rest of her life with me. There are explanations for how I became a capable of doing that. Selfishness, terrible boundaries, seeking validation, compartmentalizing, convincing myself that my actions could somehow exist separately from their consequences. But none of those explanations excuse it. I loved her. That's one of the hardest things for me to live with because I've had to learn that loving someone doesn't automatically mean you're treating them with love. When everything came out, I watched what my choices did to her. I watched someone who once felt safe with me become hyper vigilant. Ordinary things weren't ordinary anymore. If I went into the bathroom with my phone and closed the door, there was suddenly a reason for her to wonder what I was doing. Things that never would have frightened her before now did and I understood why. She tried to forgive me. We tried to rebuild. But forgiveness didn't magically restore the safety I had destroyed. She was constantly having to reconcile two versions of me, the man she loved and thought she knew, and the man who had been capable of betraying her while telling her that I loved her. I can't imagine what that does to someone's perception of reality. Eventually, the relationship became exhausting for the both of us, but especially for her. She wasn't trying to punish me. She was trying to protect herself from being blindsided again. And eventually, she chose herself. She ended our engagement. I don't blame her. I've spent the months since then trying to change. I've examined things about myself that I spent years avoiding. I've worked on boundaries, integrity, validation, seeking, selfishness, and understanding why I was capable of betraying someone I genuinely loved. I haven't entered another relationship. I've been approached and realized I wasn't ready. So I told her the truth and stepped away. I don't want another person to become a medicine for wounds I haven't healed. Oddly enough, I've also spent a lot of time talking to strangers online about betrayal. Sometimes they're people who were cheated on. Sometimes they're people who cheated and don't understand why they did it. Sometimes they're people wondering whether forgiveness means they have to stay. I keep telling people things. I've had to learn the hardest possible way. That remorse isn't the same thing as change. That forgiveness doesn't guarantee reconciliation. That understanding why you hurt someone doesn't excuse hurting them. That someone can forgive you and still decide they can never feel safe with you again and that you cannot undo betrayal by hating yourself enough. I believe all of those things when I'm saying to them to somebody else. I'm having an increasingly difficult time believing the last one what I'm saying is to myself. I still miss her terribly. There are so many things I wish I could tell her. Sometimes I want desperately for her to know that I understand things I should have understood when she was standing directly in front of me trying to explain them. But she chose distance and I have to respect that. So I don't tell her. They may be that's part of accountability too. The person I hurt doesn't owe me access to her life just because I've changed. She doesn't owe me the opportunity to demonstrate that change. She doesn't owe me forgiveness that looks the way I want forgiveness to look. I understand that intellectually. Emotionally, I'm struggling. As the months have passed, somehow the shame has gotten heavier instead of lighter. There are days when I can recognize that I'm becoming a different person. And then there are days when all I can see is what that growth cost someone else. I think that's why I'm riding this. I don't want someone to tell me that what I did wasn't that bad. It was. I don't want anyone to tell me she should take me back. She doesn't owe me that. And I don't want reassurance that I'm secretly the victim here. I'm not. I just don't know how you're supposed to fully accept responsibility for something that changed another person and still believe you're allowed to have a life afterward. I'm trying. I'm genuinely trying. But lately, I'm scared that I'm losing that fight. A year in therapy, a year in psychiatry, the medication has lost its effect. I'm so scared. One user says, "Five minutes of pleasure can destroy everything and some people just can't rebuild." I have been where your ex was and it's taken a long time for me to want to move forward. And even now I'm still scared of opening up. It sucks. And honestly, you will never have the trust back that you had before. You forgive yourself. You ask for their forgiveness and in the next relationship, you try and do better. And another user says, "It's good that you're feeling guilty. It shows that you have the ability to grow from this and to never inflict this kind of pain on another person." That's much better. than those who are able to continue the destructive behavior and don't care what it does to the loved one. And finally, another user says, "Sometimes you just have to accept that you messed up, learn from it, and move on." That guilt you feel is the warning signal not to do it again. And all right guys, that wraps up some dark Reddit confessions. I really hope you enjoyed today's video. If you did, make sure to like the video and subscribe to the channel. It really does help the channel so, so much. And please comment down below and let me know. We'd like to see some more videos like this in the future. And like I said, please comment down below. I read every single comment. And so every single comment is appreciated. And I'd love to hear what you guys think. And I would also like to give a huge shout out to some recently joined patrons who've joined the patron. And if you didn't know, at the end of every single episode, I shout out the most recently joined patrons. And so a huge shout out to Rachel, it's Vanilla Sky, Joe R, user 334566, Alexandra D H Will, Benay, Claudio F. Cadence Smiths, and then Sinneak. And then we also have Pupin. And so, yeah, that wraps up today's episode. And I just want to say a huge shout out to those recently joined patrons. And that could be your name, read in a future video. If you joined the patron, the link is in the first link in the description and the pinned comment. I appreciate the support so, so much. It truly does mean the world. And yeah, comment down below and let me know. And anyways, once again, thank you guys so much for watching. And this This was Snuck, and I'll see you next time. Bye.