Dark Confession Threads

Hey, what's up guys and welcome back to the channel and today we're getting into some dark confession threads And oh boy, do I have some depraved disgusting and just downright Disturbing confession threads for you guys today So make sure to stick around and I appreciate you guys stopped by a means world to make sure you liked the video and Subscribe to the channel the channel subscriber goal is one million subscribers before the end of the year So please subscribe it really does helps so much and also make sure you follow me on Instagram You can get updated whenever I post a new video and I guess it's just where I post on my Instagram and also make sure to follow me on Spotify We are now in the top 100 Spotify podcasts, which is just crazy to me like how are we in the top 100 Podcasts on Spotify and also I think we're almost top 10 on the true crime section of top podcasts on Spotify So that's also crazy your guys support has been insane So if you're listening over on Spotify right now. Thank you, and if you're watching on YouTube right now go over to the Spotify and Yeah, maybe download a video grade it five stars and maybe comment something nice It really would help so much, but I'm all right That's enough to happen for me and I'm excited to get into these red threads Well kind of excited there, you know, they're dark and disturbing, but yeah, make sure you have a drink and grab a snack And without further ado, let's get into some dark confession threads Sometimes I put myself in danger Hoping to get assaulted I'm 19 female When I was a kid I would get bullied for being too hairy and skinny My nose was big too I think I grew into my features, but I still have low self-esteem Though I have a nice body that I see as my saving grace I've never had any male attention in my life Never dated anyone, obviously a virgin I guess I'd attribute it to my confidence because I don't think I'm ugly when I dress nice But because of my confidence slash depression I usually dress like a bum Doesn't help that I've also had social anxiety my whole life I had a bit of a adult video addiction when I was younger Not actual adult videos, but more extreme adult videos I don't really watch anything like that anymore Anyway Whenever I travel someplace new I like to put on makeup Wear something nice, fitted clothes, and walk alone late at night Around midnight There are usually groups of men, my age, out being drunk or doing whatever And when I walk by they lear, smirk, and mumble things to each other Sometimes they follow me for a bit I know there must be something wrong with me, but it just feels so thrilling Part of me is scared I might be killed But another part of me wants to be R-worded and violated Because wouldn't that mean I'm at least a little attractive I know these thoughts are bad and immoral But whenever this happens I feel pretty I feel wanted Like maybe I'm not so ugly I guess it's the adrenaline I don't know My self image constantly changes I don't know what's wrong with me I know I should seek therapy I don't even have any childhood trauma to make me turn out like this, but I did I feel so gross sometimes I know R-word is a disgusting and heinous act I know victims suffer from lifelong pain mentally and physically I don't mean to take away from that fact But I can't help but want it I just want to feel desired And now let's get into some of the top comments One person says this is like waterboarding yourself because you're dehydrated It's not going to fix your issue and it's likely going to add a few new ones Someone else says you don't actually want to be assaulted You are just starving for male validation and using a high stakes adrenaline rush to force it to happen There is a massive difference between wanting to be desired And wanting to be a victim Please stop playing Russian roulette with your life Just to prove yourself that you're attractive The world is full of actual monsters who won't stop just because the thrill wears off for you And someone responds and says this Sounds like you need a trusted partner Please stop jeopardizing your life And someone else says please get therapy And someone else says girl you deserve to feel wanted and loved Without having to endure something as traumatic as our word One day you can experiment with more freaky things There's no shame in that but you will never find a partner they can trust If you don't work on yourself first I desperately plead you to seek therapy to increase your self-worth You have a lifetime of pleasure ahead of you If you do It doesn't matter if you don't have trauma in your childhood Just go to therapy and learn how to get some self-worth I promise you it will be worth it And someone else says Jesus Christ Just get on to Tinder You will find plenty of male attention regardless of how you look And then the OP makes a edit to their post and says edit I really was not expecting this to blow up Some of the comments actually sum up my thinking perfectly And it's a little uncanny reading about it from the outside My parents never loved each other and married each other out of convenience I grew up being the mediator of their daily fights So I think my view on love has always been flawed My parents also helicoptered me Despite the unfiltered internet access So I never met or had friends outside of school I think this severely hindered my social skills I don't even know how to make friends let alone flirt I'm trying to work on bettering myself because I do want to change But it's just hard Thanks for your insight everyone My entire family was destroyed by one man Posted on our slash true off my chest My sister has been a nurse for the last seven years She and her fiance have been engaged for the past two And the wedding was supposed to happen about three months ago However, just over a year ago My sister had her ovaries removed after battling cancer Due to this she would never have been able to have children on her own She and her fiance were devastated but things remained okay I spent more time with her and helped them finish renovating their house Things were looking better Then came their wedding We all flew out to Jamaica for it And planned to spend a week there While my sister and her fiance would spend an extra week there for their honeymoon That didn't happen Two days before the wedding Her fiance said he couldn't go through with it He has always wanted children And since that was taken away from him He didn't see himself living a happy life And calling off the marriage Then like the coward he is He flew home without a word Left my sister to tell everyone She came to my room crying and told me what happened My wife and I just held on to her all night The next morning My wife stayed with my sister The day after that I gathered everyone and told them what happened And that the wedding was off Both our families kind of blew up Demanding answers and tried to call the ex fiance Seemed like a fight was going to break out when the bastard answered his mom's phone He said he was sorry and that was it Some people went to their rooms Someone to check on my sister And most just packed their stuff and left My wife, sister, myself and our parents stayed for the week Tried to keep her mind off things We returned home and the ex fiance moved all of his stuff out of their house My sister broke down She moved in with her parents The ex fiance called and basically said that They should sell the house and split the assets My sister agreed and we're in the process of finding a buyer Then my sister said she was going to the house to pick up a few things She went there and committed S word in the garage I was the one to find her I called 911 and cut her down Called my wife and parents My wife just held me My dad was in shock It seemed and my mom's cries were the worst sound I've ever heard I don't even know where my sister's ex is staying I don't trust myself not to kill him if I see him I know his parents are furious and to sound them basically Called to a murderer I am inclined to agree My sister was the happiest girl in the world even after the cancer and its consequences She was happy Our first angel Mako was the happiest I've ever seen her You couldn't get the smile off her face And now she's dead And we'll never smile again And the last time I've ever seen her She was in the garage [BLANK_AUDIO] The last time I held her, she was cold and lifeless. The last time I hugged her, she couldn't even hug back. All because of that piece of shit. I don't even know what to do anymore. I just go into work and come home like I'm on autopilot. My wife was supposed to start her last year of school this month, but went back to work instead. I can't focus on it. My mom hasn't stopped crying and my dad hasn't said a word. This just wasn't supposed to happen. She was only 28. And now let's get into some of the top comments. One user says, "I never feel sad when reading things on Reddit, but honestly, this made me feel sad." I can't say anything that'll make you feel better. And that goes for everyone on here. All I can say though is I'm sorry. Honestly, I can't even begin to think what I would do if I was in your shoes. Feel bad for your mom. I've heard my mom cry a few times. Sad as sound, there is. My condolences to her. Sorry for your loss. And someone else says, "There are no words that will make this right. Every time we'll only do so much, my condolences to you and your family. Stay far away from the X because putting hands on him might just lead you to being locked up for your parents and they don't need the additional pain. May you find some peace in internet stranger? I am certainly rooting for you." And this is the one and only post the OP has ever posted. I am a intimacy deviant. I am a predator. I should be dead. But I'm not. I don't know why I haven't committed S-word yet. Hello, to these unfortunate enough to be interacting with me today, I'd like you to know what you're getting into before you start responding to me or read this post. I'm into many taboo putting it lightly things, including, uh, boy, having intimacy with animals, being a predator, and more. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I like those things. I can speculate all that I want, but I can't pinpoint it. I'm not asking for people to make being a predator legal. I'm not asking for people to make having intimacy with animals legal either. All I want is someone to help me. I'm addicted to adult videos and my life is an entire joke. I have a lot of attention, but no love. I have a lot of friends, but no close relationships. Failure, rejection, and just looking in the mirror every day, kills me. It turns me to deep, dark, disgusting rabbit holes, and new or more horrifying adult videos and all that terrible stuff. And it all makes me feel good. It's like a drug to me. I'm honestly terrified of myself. I'm terrified of my ulterior motives that, even I'm not sure about, it feels like there's another me, subliminally controlling the real me. I know there's a part of me that cares for people and loves people, but come on now. Predators and animal intimacy, people can't truly love now, can they? I can't truly love, therefore no one can love me. I am a useless sack of meat as society is eventually going to put down in an electric chair. And you know what? Effort. I will accept that fate. Almost every day on Reddit, I see posts regarding abuse and how horrible it is. I understand it. It is a terrible thing. I have nothing but condolences to victims of abuse. But I'm also conflicted. I have to resist committing this word because I get off to that disgusting filth. One thing I learned from therapy is that intimacy problems like this can't be cured. They can only be ignored and blocked from your mind. Thing is, it's hard when people are constantly clamoring for your death and for good reason too. No one wants someone hurting their kids. I get that. I wouldn't want that happening if I had kids. I'll once again use the drug metaphor. It's bad and illegal, but I'm hooked. There's no justifying me. I should be dead. And yet I'm too much of a coward to commit S word. Please someone talk to me. I need to tell people this can't stay bottled up. I need someone to know. One user says, I think I might understand you to some degree. It's not that you're attracted to those things, but that you've been addicted to adult videos for so long that you've sort of escalated your interests over time until they've ended up limitless in their depravity. I don't know if this is the case for you, but maybe you just need to search for other legal forms of depravity. And the OP responds and says, thanks for the feedback. I think that's pretty much right. I am F'd up. I've been F'd up, but I can't change myself. That's my problem. I would give my lung to someone if they promised I could be someone else. Another user says, I'm sorry to hear this. I can't say I've been in your position. I'm certainly not condoning your thoughts, but thankfully, they are just that as of right now. While it may seem bleak, there may be hope. The first step to solving a problem is admitting that it exists, which you already have done. You are not rationalize it or making excuses. You admit that you have a problem. For that, I applaud you. The next step though is seeking help. I'm honestly not sure how to go about this because many psychiatrists are unwilling to work with people like you despite the fact that they very well may be protecting children in the future. I would highly recommend you talk to a therapist. It sounds like there may be other underlying issues at hand. And the OP responds and says, yeah, I've seen therapists. They're great people, really. I can talk to them and all that stuff. But the reason I'm putting this here is because I don't want them being alerted that I want to commit S word. It's not like I'm going to do it anyways. I can't hold a butternife without feeling extremely hesitant and shaky. And then one comment that gets into a long paragraphs of stuff that I don't understand and I'm not going to read, but the OP then responds and says something terrifying. The OP says, I don't know. I just feel like that entire line of thinking is a bit sideways. And he says here, I'm literally a threat to children. You wouldn't want someone with a fantasy of crashing cars drive your car. Would you? And that haunts me. I mean, he just says it straight up. I mean, obviously the main post, he says it straight up as well, but just for him to say it's so bluntly, so bluntly, I am literally a threat to children is terrifying. I mean, like, just saying that sentence feels wrong. And this guy typed it out and, I mean, this is the last post the OP has ever posted on this profile. Oh my God, I really hope this OP just got into therapy right away because if not, you know, what he could have done or has done is terrifying. I mean, like, I'm just being completely honest here. And this was posted nine years ago. Who knows where the OP is now? You know, like, we just have to hope and pray that he was able to, you know, restrain himself and get into some, you know, get into some therapy that specializes in this sort of stuff. But oh boy, it's so scary how people are out there. I mean, like how people out in society that we pass by every single day are people like this. I mean, that is so scary. I mean, he literally just said, I'm literally a threat to children that is terrifying. That is so scary. It's mind-blowing how people like this exist and also not to mention he also enjoys watching animals and humans do things intimately. I mean, this guy is just a threat to society and who knows where he is now. But, you know, it's just scary to think that people out there are like this guy and they just walk free on the streets. I am pregnant and my husband has been sleeping with my mother originally posted to our slash true off my chest. Hello. A few several friends of mine and relatives follow my main writing accounts so I've made a new one to avoid creating more drama. I, 26 female, have found out my husband, 30 male, is having intimacy with my mother, 52 female. I honestly don't know how to react. I'm 4 months pregnant and I'm trying not to stress since it's bad for the baby. I honestly had suspicions about my husband cheating. When I announced my pregnancy, he seemed happy. Over the moon actually, he was kissing me and telling me how lucky he was to have me, but now he changed. About 2 weeks after my surprise announcement, he stopped hugging me and kissing me like usual. He stopped eating the meals I'd make for him after work and said he already ate some fast food or something. I also noticed he had changed his lock screen, which was a picture of us. Not sure if that meant anything to be honest. I found out 3 days ago. I went through his phone while he was in the shower and found text messages, videos, pictures. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about what I saw. I saw pictures of my mom in lingerie and he was replying with pictures of his junk. Saying he was turned on. I even saw a message of regret. He had said that maybe they should stop since he didn't want to hurt me, but my mom said I wouldn't get hurt as long as they kept it all secret. But what angered me the most was the message she sent a few days ago. I'll quote it here so anyone reading this can get an idea of how serious their affair is and has been. "I love you so much. More than you think. You've helped me through the passing of my beloved ex-husband and for that I truly thank you. I know it is hard for you to keep a secret like this. For me it is too. I love my daughter with all my heart, but she will have to accept eventually that love is love and that the heart wants what it wants. Our hearts want each other. I thought that ever since my husband died, nobody would ever love me because I'm just an old woman. But you have shown me to love myself and made me feel young and attractive again. Let's keep having fun and cherishing each other. I think it's important to know my father passed away about five years ago from a stroke. And my mother said she refused to get back into dating or romance because my father is her forever love and only and only. It's absolute BS. I'm crushed and it's the fact that I know they had intimacy after that message because that was the night he didn't come home into one in the morning due to work and paid overtime. I actually threw up after reading that message. I have screenshots of the messages and have sent the videos to myself. Of course I deleted them on his phone so it looked like he never sent me anything. I am numb. I am confused. I am hurt so bad. I can't even cry because I refuse to believe it. My husband is at work. I'm sitting on the edge of my bed riding this. Any advice please. I'm desperate for just a little bit of anything really. This baby in me is honestly the only thing preventing me from confrontation. I'm afraid that confronting them now will cause too much stress and anger and I want the best for my child. At this point all I want to do is have my baby. Christmas is soon and I don't want to ruin it for the family. I had also planned on announcing my pregnancy that day. Please help me. Hello. Thank you all so much for the support really. You don't understand how much it means to me to see how many strangers online wishing me well. I did not expect my post to gain this much attention. Around two hours ago I confronted my husband when he came home from work. I told him I know everything. I showed him the pictures and messages. At first he denied but when I showed him the evidence he started crying. Actually crying. He had the nerve to cry and get on his knees while holding and caressing my stomach. He told me that I would be a bad mother if I left him and raise my child's father because a baby needs a dad in their life to fully grow mentally and physically. I honestly don't know what to say at that except that it's pure BS. I told him that I was contacting a lawyer in order to file for divorce. I had already packed my things before he came home. I'm currently staying at a local motel about 30 minutes away from my home. I have asked my cousin if I can stay with her for a few days and she has agreed. I'm getting everything sorted from there. My husband has been blowing up my phone with messages and apologies. He's told me that if I take him back he won't do anything to hurt me ever again and he will cut all ties with my mother. As for her, I have also confronted her. I messaged her once I got to my motel. I told her I was pregnant and that she will never get to see her grandchild. She has not responded yet. I have also moved all of my finances that I had with my husband and it shares a bank account to my personal bank account. You don't understand how grateful and appreciative I am for the support. I apologize that I cannot reply to all the personal messages I've received as well. It's been hell. I'll try my best to update if my mother does end up replying to me. Again, thank you all so much. Edit number 2. I am safe. I've been receiving a lot of messages from those who are concerned for my well-being. I am safe and I'm finally at my cousin's house. Thank you all once again for the support of messages and replies. I also would like to thank you all for the rewards. They mean so much to me. My mental health is getting better every single day. All thanks to you amazing people for offering me advice and kind words. I have chosen to cut all ties off with my mother. She messaged me just a few hours ago and I honestly do not have the heart to reply. It's also made me rethink my situation. She said quote, "I'm so sorry for the pain and hurt I've caused you. It was never meant to go this far. I love you so much with every inch of my heart but you are not the victim. How dare you hold this against me and take away my right to see my one and only grandbaby. You are cruel. If you do this, you will forever live life regretting. Please do not do this to me. I am your mother. I love you. I have broken up with my husband's name. We are no longer on speaking terms. Please push past this. A child cannot be raised without a father grandmother. I love you. My name which will not be shared. Please call me. I cut out some more personal things from the text. I have a lawyer and I'm in the process of looking for an apartment. I have no intention on allowing either my former husband or mother into my child's life. But I'm also afraid that my child will grow deprived of many child father-bottom experiences. This may be my last update as I want to move on and away from all of this. As for my husband, his messages have gone quiet which I am thankful for. My cousin has been helping me through this and is currently the only family member other than my mom and husband who knows about the affair. I am very appreciative to all the support. I hope you all have an amazing holiday. One user says, "Contact a lawyer, organize your finances, map out a game plan. If there is someone you can trust, maybe move in with them. Don't keep this to yourself. Once you know what you're going to do, leave or kick them out, let everyone know what it's been going on. Do not let them get away with this." And someone else says, "No parent can confess to loving their kids so much and turn around and do this to them. Sorry, but her actions are selfish, disgusting and a total betrayal to her family. Your husband or sperm donor at this point is just as bad. You need to take care of yourself and your baby first. You two are the only ones that matter in this. Those two deserve no loyalty. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Start to get your ducks in a row to take care of yourself. And spread it far and wide, what treacherous people, your mother and your husband are. And we have never heard from the OP ever again." I used to send kids and women videos of people dying when I was a teen. When I was a teenager, I was in a group and I was in the trolling. And they started to send me violent videos of my character being killed, and then I uploaded the scene from GTA V where Trevor gets burned alive. Then they sent me more inappropriate videos like that from cartoons, movies and video games, so I send them videos of people dying. I have since left the ground. But now I feel really bad because I sent videos of people dying to kids and women and mostly disturbing and traumatizing them for life and really it's all my fault. I know I was young and they started it but I should have known better about sending and this is not a mistake. I have hurt people over this. Women and kids are mostly innocent, are more sensitive and disturbed by this type of content and I feel horrible for them. I hope they're okay and have gotten help. As for me, I ruined my life. I'm a child and women abuser and really I deserve the karma that will hit me because it's my fault. One user says, "I wish I could tell you this isn't a big deal but it is." I've been sent some terrible evil stuff by trolls and as a kid some of it really traumatized me. One person sent me a horrific video and I still think about it after all these years later. But what is important is the next step. You know it was wrong, you feel bad, do better. Take this chance and what you're feeling to do the right thing. There have been a ton of studies done that basically prove that when in a group social pressure and the acceptance of others can lead to people doing really bad things so it isn't even 100% on you. You were young and in it with some terrible people. The fact that it haunts you proves you aren't bad. And someone else says, "My brother used to do this kind of thing. He did it to me until I went numb and stopped crying. He thought it was funny. It made him laugh. He was abusive in other ways too and my mom got it bad. He ended up committing an S word. All I can say is stop doing it. Treat others kindly, especially those who trust you enough to let you get close to them. And someone else says, "You might need to seek professional help." My son killed his ex-girlfriend. This is a throwaway account with different details who not expose my family. Because there are articles of this out there and I want to keep my privacy because it includes my entire family who did nothing wrong. It's been five years today and I still can't believe this. I'm so ashamed of being this person's father and having him will always be my biggest regret and mistake. Six years ago he got into a relationship with his classmate who was also the daughter of one of my best friends. Her dad and I were childhood best friends. They were both 15 years old. They didn't last a while, maybe two months and they broke up like kids do. The next year around this time she went missing. We live in a small village of about 2,500 people. We all went out to look for her all week long with no success. A few kids ended up finding her body inside of a body bag on their way to school, dumped into a dumpster. She was unclothed with multiple stab wounds all over her and she was covered in blood. They found the knife dumped with her and my son's fingerprints were all over it. I had absolutely no idea about any of it because he came home at around 9pm and cleaned clothes and he even helped search for her. He confessed about all of it as soon as he was faced with the evidence and then prosecuted him as an adult. He got 25 years in prison and I don't feel bad for him at all. I never visited him after that. The last time I saw him was when he was sentenced to prison at the courthouse which happened just two months later because he immediately confessed everything. Ever since then, our entire community has shunned us. My friend spits in my face in front of the entire village and he would have killed me if people didn't intervene. And I didn't and couldn't even blame him for it because I have two daughters and I get it completely. I publicly disowned him and so did our entire family but the guilt and shame was just too much. I lost all my friends and I didn't have the heart to show my face in that village anymore. So a couple of months later we sold our house and we moved to a completely different country and continent where we didn't know anyone. I lived in that village my entire life. All my friends and family were there. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it was good for my family. I hate my son for what he did to that poor girl and I hate him for destroying our family's entire life. And I hate for him for making one of my very best friends that go through the worst pain a father could ever experience. Every single year on this day I feel it all over again like it's just happened and I feel like absolute shit. He deserves every single minute he gets in that prison and if it was up to me I would never let him out. He deserves to rot in there. And let's get into the top comments one person says wow that was sad to read I'm so sorry did he have any remorse or showed no sympathy slash emotion in the OP said he was crying but because of the sentence. Someone else says there's nothing I can say except I'm sorry for what happened to the girl and everything that happened to you. I hope you can move on and life will show its bright side again. Someone else says in Spanish there's a saying. Pueblo Chico in Fierno Grande. You yourself know if you did something wrong. Parenting a murderer is not one of those things as long as you didn't incite him. And the OP said I absolutely did not encourage him to do that I have two daughters. If I knew that he even just beat her I would have beat his ass. You don't mess with a man's little daughter and especially not what he did. He didn't just kill her. He did many more things that I can't say on here. I am a veteran and I can't get through a day without being on drugs or alcohol. I don't even know why I'm posing this. I've thought about trying to get an outside perspective of my situation for a while I don't know. I'm 26 married with two kids and I am a veteran with PTSD. I've been out of the military for about three to four years. I got out after my last eight month trips Afghanistan to try and settle down with a woman I felt like I loved. I never wanted to go through missing someone again. Maybe this was the biggest mistake I made. And it came from the shock of being torn away from everything I loved and sent to a shit hole. One of my buddies wife left him over there and started mailing him his possessions. Eventually he committed S-word, not far from where I was working one night. I feel like my own people caused this death. I've always felt our senior NCOs turn their backs on him. When we heard gunshots that night, the first thing my boss said was, "I hope that's not who I think it is." Things just hadn't been the same since I left. I came back so messed up that the first thing I did was push away every single friend and family member I have. I guess these last few years have been disassociating because I just don't remember anything. I know that I'm in pain. I've been to more therapists than I can count. And I've taken just about every anti-psychotic there is. SSRIs, all that bullshit. My drugs of choice are morphine and weed. It's the only thing that makes life feel livable. The amount of weed I smoke isn't even sustainable. I smoke all day just to forget. I've gone through so much weed in two weeks or less. I can't even get started on my opiate use, but I haven't started injecting yet. I've tried, but I still have trouble hitting a vein. At some point it probably will. When I've tried going without taking stuff, I just can't stand being left in my own thoughts. It's too painful to not be messed up, I guess. I usually detox from opiates every single month after I run out of morphine. When I do, I just smoke as much weed and drink as much as I can. I just lose my shit if I have nothing to take. Alcohol is my last resort when I'm out of everything else. I feel like I've made so many mistakes. I dream of just taking off and starting a new life somewhere in China or Taiwan. Teaching English and forgetting everything here. A big part of me feels like only a major dramatic change would help me not feel this way anymore. Even my marriage. I'm starting to regret, because I realize I'm just not happy. If I were, maybe I wouldn't need to medicate like I do. I love my kids though, they are what keep me going. But even that, it's only just enough to keep me going. I grew up a effed up life, poor ass welfare family bouncing from projects to projects. Brothers finding needles in the yard and bringing them in. My brothers getting robbed for our groceries. Way too much to go over. I have faced adversity before. I just don't know how I'm supposed to keep going, or ever get to the point where life is just livable. I don't know how normal people get through the day, because I just can't imagine it anymore. I know I need a hobby. Something to take my mind off of using, but since I left the military, I just have no fulfillment anymore. Nothing will ever be the same, and I sometimes still feel like I'm mourning pretty hard. I don't really know what to do, or how to get better. I don't think rehab or anything impatient would help me, until I figure out and address what's driving me to be this way. Not to mention I couldn't afford it. I don't know how to live life anymore. I still feel like this is something getting worse and worse, and I don't have a clue how to address it. I'm not happy or fulfilled at home, or anywhere for that matter. What good would quitting do except driving me crazy? The VA is no help, they're more useless than anything, I've been down that road. I'm willing to listen and take advice, especially from those who might have been in and overcome a funk like this. I feel like I'm slowly dying, and my life is passing me by. One user says, "Unless you're cool with your kids one day, finding you dead, OD'd, you have to find your own internet motivation to get well again. Why do you think rehab won't help you? People go to school for nearly a decade, just to solve problems like yours. And you're just gonna blow that off? There are doctors who have been fixing these kinds of problems since before you were born. And one with a good reputation, and follow their instructions to the letter. It's a simple equation. I feel like shit plus follow doctor's orders equals, I don't feel like shit anymore. It might take time and effort, but the thing about hitting rock bottom is, there's nowhere left to go, except up. Confessions of a serial cheater. Nothing in this post is intended to excuse or minimize what I have done. I am climbing my way up from rock bottom, and I just want to tell my story. For the entirety of my adult life, I have sought validation through intimacy. I grew up chubby, homeschooled, and Catholic in a small town in Alaska. I was one of eight kids, raised by a mom who did her best and a dad who was cruel when he wasn't absent. My dad was a sad, angry man who was physically, and mentally, abusing our family. The only thing I can remember ever feeling towards him was fear. He often commented on my weight and belittled me for being more of a shy, creative, nerdy kid. But he isn't the villain of this story. I am. As I entered adulthood, I started getting the attention from women. My Catholic guilt kept me from trying anything intimate until I was 18, but once I started, I never stopped. I bounced between intimate partners for years without committing to a relationship, because it allowed me to justify my multiple partners without feeling like a cheater. But I still lied to them. I told them they were the only one or downplayed/minimize my relationship with other women. It was never about the intimacy. It was the validation I felt from being chosen. The feeling of someone wanting me, choosing me, being attracted to me, sometimes even loving me. I didn't feel like the overweight, scared child I once was. It was a maladaptive coping mechanism that I reinforced year after year. It was the only way I knew how to get that need met. When I was 26, I met an incredible woman. Let's call her Jane. And things started out as casual as any of my previous relationships. Neither of us went into seeking anything serious, but as time went on, we fell in love. I committed to a relationship with her, but I hadn't really. I still had an ongoing intimate relationship with someone else, which Jane discovered fairly quickly into our relationship. I ended things with the other woman, but I downplayed the situation to Jane. I told her just enough of the truth that, "Chute, forgive me." I genuinely believed at the time that I'd be able to be only with Jane. I wouldn't need anyone else because I loved her. I told myself I'd never cheat again, and I'd be a good and loyal man from now on, and I could just put it in the past. What a stupid selfish fool I was. I started off my relationship with a lie. I was faithful for a long time after that. How long exactly, I can't remember. But there was always this underlying shame whenever I was with Jane, and because I started the relationship with lies, it only got easier to lie. That craving for validation never went away, and I eventually cheated again. I had all the love and validation anyone could ever need with Jane, but in my effed up brain it somehow felt more honest with someone new. As if my partner was obligated to tell me I'm good enough, whereas someone new was not. So I believed it more. I didn't believe the woman I loved when she said I was good enough because she loved me too much. Isn't that the most pathetic thing you've ever heard in your life? Jane caught me cheating two other times. But there was many more. After every time I told myself I'd never do it again, and that I was going to change. Jane even supported me. She believed in me. I tried to fix whatever was broken in my brain, but because I was never fully honest, I could never really confront whatever deep insecurity I was dragging around. I wasn't honest with Jane, my friends, my family, not even my therapist. I only ever gave a watered down version of the truth while internally I was just trying to will myself and to be a better person without any help. I was so afraid of telling the whole truth that it just became a reflex to lie. Small lies lead to big lies, and those lies just grew so out of control that I was living multiple lives, multiple versions of myself. This pattern continued for roughly seven years with Jane. Seven years I took from this incredible woman. Seven years where she never fully knew the man she was with. Some of my closest friends didn't even know she existed. I knew I needed help. I wanted to change, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth. I dug myself too deep. So I broke up with Jane. I lied to her again as to my reasoning for the breakup. I just needed to get away from her. I knew I was hurting her and the constant shame I felt was overwhelming, but we were so close for so long, dependent on each other, it was hard to stay apart for long. We drifted back together after a month or so. She was comfortable, familiar, a source of love and validations, and I was a selfish monster. I knew that couldn't possibly last. How could it when I told her so many lies? But I let it continue. I knew I needed to break up, but I kept putting it off. I was a coward. I even met someone new. Let's call her Laura. I fell for Laura so hard and so fast it was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I felt like she was all I'd ever need. I wanted a fresh start, free of the shame of my lies and my secrets. When you know what I did to get there, I lied again. I lied to Laura and said she was the only one while I continued to put off ending things with Jane. Eventually, I got the courage and broke up with Jane, but it was too little too late. Through some sort of carmetic justice, they met each other the next day. All my lies were exposed. I tried to lie my way into an honest relationship with Laura because that somehow made sense in my broken brain. Well, I got what I deserved. My world exploded. I lost Laura. I hurt Jane more than I could possibly fathom. I lost so many friends who finally saw me for what I actually am. I knew I was stuck in this unhealthy pattern for a long time, but now I actually had the full weight of my sins crushing me. I can hardly believe I let things go this far. [BLANK_AUDIO] to compartmentalize and carry on doing this for years is truly scary. I couldn't lie anymore. I told everyone everything. For the first time in maybe my entire 33 years of life, I was honest. I didn't just confess to Laura and Jane, I confessed to everyone. I told my mom, my friends, my siblings, my therapist, the nurse who scheduled my appointment, anyone I could about all the pain I had caused. I realized just how distant I have felt from all of them for years because I was always hiding some part of myself. I was so tangled in a mess of lies that I became a different version of myself with all of them for so long and it wasn't until I told the truth that I realized how much that was tearing my god damn soul apart. To the few people who actually take the time to read this, let me just say, the truth will set you free. I lost nearly everything I loved because I was too afraid of the truth. I felt so much shame for so many years because I wasn't able to confront the broken part of myself that allowed me to hurt the people I loved until I was honest. I will forever regret the pain I have caused. I have dreamt about Laura almost every night since and then I wake up feeling lonelyer than I've ever felt. I am haunted by the pain I have caused Laura and Jane and so many other amazing people with myselfish and destructive need for validation. I have left them with scars that will last a lifetime. All I can do now is rebuild myself into a better man. I'm going forward with radical honesty, going to therapy, finally asking for help and using every resource I can to fix myself. I won't stop until I become someone worthy of love that I have been shown by people I never deserved. One user says, please don't date anyone for a couple of years. I hope you continue to see a therapist but healing takes time and you're just going to hurt someone if you get into another relationship. I was cheated on by a next and the trauma from that lasted more than two decades. And the OP response and says, I don't plan on it. Just like my brain didn't get broken overnight, it won't get fixed overnight. I don't want to subject another person to my bullshit until I am a safe person to love. I essayed my professor when I was in college and I feel absolutely horrible. It's been 11 years since this incident. I was 20 and in college. I was a bit of a, well, permiscuous person. I slept with a ton of dudes. I went out of my way to try and look as attractive as possible. I constantly wore revealing outfits. I used to pick out men who I wanted to sleep with and went out of my way to try and seduce them basically. For me, it was kind of a power trip. I had one professor who I was very attracted to, fit, handsome guy, looked kind of like Salah, the soccer player. I wanted to sleep with him really badly, so I would talk to him and flirt with him after class a lot. We got friendly and I thought he was ready, so to speak, to take it to the next level. So I got extra flirty one day. He looked kind of shy, but he was friendly enough and responding. And then I noticed he was turned on clear as day in his pants. I don't even know what came over me, but I just smiled at him and put my hand up his shirt so I felt his abs and reached down into his groin area. I tugged at it and he sort of yelled and said, please, please stop. The whole encounter lasted maybe six to seven seconds. I guess he was paralyzed by what I did that he didn't respond right away. I wasn't even looking at his face until then, but when I did, he looked horrified. I don't know why I just automatically assumed he would be into it, but he looked really red in the face and terrified at what I just did. I just said I was sorry and then I left his office. I finished the class, but I never looked him in the eyes again. His face after I did that still makes me feel horribly guilty. I could tell he was visibly shaken by what I did. It feels even worse because I didn't merely just touch him over his pants. I fully reached down and grabbed the whole thing. I wouldn't end my promiscuous phase yet, but I definitely slowed down. At 21, I found my current husband who I married at 23. I have three kids now, so I am basically a full-time mom. My husband has zero idea what I did, nor will I ever tell him. One person says that's a good way to ruin a man's life. And someone else says you should feel horrible about it. Carry that weight all the way to the grave to be honest. When you stop feeling bad about it, you've stopped acknowledging your fault. I physically harmed my nephews and I deeply regret it. This isn't one isolated incident. This was several. I'm younger than my sister by 14 years. She had her first son when I was 5 years old and her second son when I was 7. She lived with me and my parents for the majority of my childhood, and so did my nephews. My parents were very neglectful, and so was my sister. Taking care of my nephews was my job almost immediately. When I was 12, I was forced to share a Jack and Jill style bathroom with them. They'd stay up all night screaming, yelling, and jumping around. They would sneak into my room and steal my things and my parents didn't do anything about it. It got to the point that I was sleep deprived, juggling school, kids, and my parents' expectations. If they'd get too loud and wake me up, I'd threaten them. Eventually, it led to hitting. At some point, I realized what I was becoming and what I was doing and tried to distance myself from them as much as I could. I know I hurt them and I did irreversible damage. I will never forgive myself for that. I don't expect them to ever forgive me either. It happened again when I was 18. I had a full-time job, and my sister moved back in with us. I was trying to get my own apartment, but all my money and time outside of work was spent taking care of kids that were not mine. I was expected to take care of them full-time, as well as take care of the house while my sister sat back and relaxed. I snapped, I hit them when they talked back to me more than once. I know their mother did it too. I took the first chance I had to move away and have stayed away since. I've personally given them so much trauma when they needed me the most. I don't ever plan on having kids of my own. I can't trust myself to not repeat my mistakes. I'm a monster. I hate that version of myself, and I will regret harming them until the day that I die. I love them so much and I hurt them so badly. I'm 32 now. The only person I've told about this is my husband. He's tried to console me, but I know I don't deserve it. I feel guilty for even letting him try to comfort me. Update. It's been an emotional rollercoaster, but for those interested, I reached out to them via email after consulting my therapist. They accepted my apologies and things are good. We've been playing video games together in our spare time the past couple of days, and I'm really enjoying the time we spent with them. They've already gotten therapists and are refusing to let me pay for anything. I've set aside a portion of my savings for them, so if they're ever in a bind, I can help them financially. I will be helping the oldest welcome their little girl into the world in August, and I couldn't be more excited. I still don't plan on having children of my own, but I'm looking into going to school to become an elementary teacher. My dream job. Thank you so much for all the kind words I truly never expected so many people to be kind to me. It means the world, and it's definitely changed my life for the better. One user says, "You're not a monster." As others have said, the fact that you feel guilt and was morse. Did everything possible to remove yourself from the situation and prevent it happening again? And recognize your weakness and your fear of having your own children is proof of this. You made a horrible mistake and should feel guilty, but you do. So you're human. Not a monster. My ex-wife is a monster. She killed our daughter. Has never apologized to anyone. Has never accepted responsibility for her actions. Makes every attempt to destroy her mother's life who cared for our daughter during the tiny amount of time she lived after being shaken while I was in the army. And she was in prison. That's a monster. Try to make amends, apologize to your nephews, tell them how you feel. Make them aware you're available to them and be accepting of their response. Even if they tell you to go F yourself, that's the their right. It will be a healing experience for you and them regardless. And maybe just maybe they will be understanding. And you can start to rebuild a relationship with them. I'm so sorry you've been through this and I hope so much that something positive can be salvaged by it. And someone else says children should not be raised by children. That's how stuff like this happens. Apologize to them and forgive yourself. You were a child. They were not supposed to be responsibility. And another user has a more differing opinion. They say, well, you're an abusive POS. Do yourself a favor and turn yourself in. You are a danger to children and should not be around them. There is no excuse for your actions even though your post is full of excuses. You never actually take responsibility. My nephew was shaken by his father three times before signs it started to show. Maybe I'm a little biased but people like you deserve nothing. Edit. Everyone defending OP is equally as bad and enabling. Even the one saying UOP was kid at the time. What about the incident when OP was 18? OP will do this to any kid who talks back for the rest of their life. And the OP response and says, I'm sorry. My post wasn't meant to be filled with excuses because I have none. I know what I did was wrong and I was old enough to know better at the time. I tried to seek legal action a few years ago and my therapist at the time wouldn't listen. I don't plan on having kids. I know I can't be trusted. I don't babysit for anyone else either. I made a lot of mistakes and there's nothing I can do to reverse the damage I did. I'm trying to make up for it in any way I can. And all right guys, that wraps up some dark confession threads and this video was heavy, depressing, and yeah, just dark. So what were your thoughts on it? Would you like to see more like this in the future or not? Let me know, comment down below. I appreciate every single comment and I read every single comment. So just comment whatever you're thinking about today's video and also make sure to like the video and subscribe to the channel. Also make sure to check out my Spotify and check out my Instagram. Follow me both of those places. It really does help so much and yeah, thank you guys so much for watching. And if you enjoyed this video, I'm sure you will enjoy some other videos on the channel. So go check out some other videos on the channel. And once again, thank you guys so much for watching. It truly does mean the world from the bottom of my heart and this was Snook and I'll see you next time. Bye.