Daniel Sloss: Nothing Is Off Limits | WhiskeyGinger

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This episode is brought to you by TXU Energy. For the first time ever, Texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings. It's called Free Nights in Cool Summer. You get free nights every night all year long, plus a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer. It's a first-of-its-kind plan created for how Texans actually use energy. Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights in Cool Summer. TXU Energy. Energy for everything. Visit TXU.com for more information. Rep number 10004. Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series presented by FanDuel. Hey, Whiskey Ginger fans, I got one more show. St. Charles slash St. Louis. It's one and the same. They're right next to each other. Come out and see me, St. Louis, August 7th. That's my last show of the year as of now. Next year, I'm going to be bopping around the country. But come out and see me, St. Charles slash St. Louis, August 7th. Charles slash St. Louis, August 7th. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. You know what it is. It's AndrewSantino.com. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Hey, Joe. Say hi to my editor, Joe. In that camera right there. Hi. Which one? Yours. That one. Hi, Joe. Hi, Joe. Talk about not being a Hollywood guy. I thought you were going to fat, girthy cock. He has probably the biggest cock in the editing biz. Yeah. As of now, though. Yeah. Because he's going to get overtaken pretty soon. He's older now. Yeah. Does he get smaller? They do. Are dicks Chinese? Do they get smaller? Your dick doesn't get smaller? My dick's huge. Wow. I have custom-made condoms. Do you really? Yes. Does Trojan do that? No. The Trojans are too small. They called you? They're like, we just can't handle this. We can't do it. You send them a photo. They're like, look, man. To get custom-made condoms, you have to, there's a website called OneFit. You have to print out a ruler, and you have to get yourself wrecked, and you have to measure the girth of your dick, and you have to measure the length of your dick, and you have to send this company the measurements, and that's how they, OneFit. Is he lying? No, I'm on it right now. OneFit? OneCondoms.com. Yep. No chance. My OneCondoms.com. And you had to do this. I've been doing it since I was 19. Just because of the girth of your, wow. And look at this. Oh, you're one of their lead sponsors. That's pretty incredible. So these are all photos of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they want me to stop. Wait, and this is like, there's a payment plan for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's not subscription-based. This is insane. That's insane. I've never heard of, have you heard of this before? Never heard. Never in my entire, regular penis men don't have to worry about this kind of stuff. This is nothing we ever ran into our entire lives. I didn't. Wow. My first girlfriend. I'd never had sex before, so she'd never seen a penis before. So I didn't know that I had a big dick. I thought I had erectile dysfunction. Wow. Because whenever I was wearing regular condoms, it was cutting off the flow and I was going limp all the fucking time. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought it was, and then when me and her broke up, I banged a girl like two months later and she went, whoa. She went awesome. Although this is great. She was like, this is, and I'm like, you're just saying that. She's like, I'm not just saying that. I love deck. Deck is so good. And you've got it. And this is, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what you're like? You're like one of those like hoopty cars that looks like shit, but the insides are phenomenal. Like it's a white guy, but when you get inside, you're like, whoa, you decked it out. How much did you spend on the interior of this? Is that houndstooth on the seats? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Dinner. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I don't know what to say to the problem. My guest today, once again, today, it's Daniel Sloss. We were talking about custom-made condoms. We probably pulled that in. Yeah. And you deserve it. Cheers for years. Buddy. Sorry about the United States measurements. Apologize for all that. That's okay. Hey, as a country, you have more to apologize for. Yeah. Let's start. Tell me. Tell me what we need to apologize for. Let's run down the list. First of all, look, why am I having a problem with immigration? What do they say to you at the border? Why am I? Why am I? What are you talking about? Why am I having a problem with immigration? There's not a white speed lane? There's not like a white speed lane over there? You think? Yeah, there should be. Like why? Look, if you're going to be the most racist country in the world, can you be- Ooh, ooh, ooh. Can you at least be cool about it? Yeah, be cool about it. Follow your own book. Come on. Yeah. Come on. You're waiting- We invented you. You did. We invented you as a country. You did. Let me in. Let me in fast. Yeah, but we're messing it up. We're messing it up our way. We're doing it our way. You are like a teenager because you're the youngest country- Going against dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the youngest country in the world apart from Estonia. Wait, time out. We can't be the youngest anymore. No, no, you're not. No, there's- There's a handful of newbies coming in. Soviet Union. A couple of places. And what about- A couple of the stands are new. Like after- South Sudan is the youngest country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out huge fan base. A lot of places that used to be the Ottoman Empire. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, of course. But 250 years old. You're a baby. We're a little baby. You're a little baby. But we're trying. And boy, are you making a scene. Yeah, we're really kind of screwed. You are like somebody gave this teenager steroids. And he- Not only is he fucking his mom, he's battering his dad. And he's killing his stepdads. And we're like, wait, wait, we didn't molest you when you were a kid. What are you doing? Well, think about it like this. Remember when Justin Bieber got like $30 million at 15 years old? And we were like, everyone was like, he's acting crazy. You're like, what would you do at 15 with $10 million? You can't blame that kid for that. America. Yeah. We got it all. Yeah. You can't blame it. We're babies, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think we're not going to drive the car? We're not going to drive the car. We're not going to drive the Ferrari and egg our neighbor's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got all the money. Just very quickly, you were showing me a clip earlier. I was just in Singapore. One thing I envy about you, apart from how handsome and- Ditto, by the way. Two handsome boys. Is, you know, you're one of the few white men who gets the pass with accents. Yeah. When I was in Singapore, me and my wife and my two perfect children, we get picked up at Singapore Man in a Singaporean bar. We saw a Ferrari on the road, and when this man said the word Ferrari, when this man said the word Ferrari in his accent, my wife, from behind, tapped me on the shoulder to just be like, don't. Mother, man, he was pointing out Lamborghini. He was pointing out Ferrari. Fucking randlovers. With his whole heart. He loved cars. He loved cars. He's a car guy. Filali. Filali. I was, I've never tipped an Uber driver in cash. You know how they make films or songs for other countries with different, films with different titles? Yeah. They should do that over there. Just sell them as Filalis over there. Filalis. You know why it's called Lululemon? We talked about this on the other show. I still think this is bullshit. I know this is a real story, but it feels like bullshit, right? That's the most American thing I've ever heard in my life. Calling it Lululemon because Asians couldn't say, because they couldn't, Rururemon. Yeah, dude, that's the inventor. Don't get mad at us. The guy who started the company did that. He said it on a podcast, that's why. Oh, he's very blatant about it. It's on his Wikipedia. That's how, like, he's like, oh yeah, that's why I did it. But also. That's why they called her Lucy Liu. Just so we know. It's a really racist ad. Yeah, but you know what? Smart. Good marketing. Really good marketing. Memorable. Wait, what, you doing shows? She sounds like Scooby-Doo. Were you doing shows in Singapore? I was. You do, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're one of the only, there's like seven international comedians. Guys that can tour and sell well everywhere. Yeah. You're one of, like, the seven. Oh, thank you, man. No, you are. I mean, that's serious. I don't think there's, there's only so many people that can do it. Like, American-based comedians that try, some of them can get away with it to a degree. But it's just not. Well, so originally, like, when I was super fucking young, the first internet comics of the world were Pablo Francisco. Oh, my God, dude. I saw him live at Tempe when I was, my college girlfriend took me to go see him live. He was, he was, and Russell Pears. Yeah. Was the two, they just, before YouTube was even fucking YouTube. Yeah. They, back when LimeWire and Kazza and all these. I love Kazza. Stole so much music from Kazza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I watched the worst porn. I've ever watched in my life when I was 14 years old. Some of the worst, some of the best. Yeah. I wish there was a website where. It was just all the worst perverts in the world. And what I could do is I could go, hey, I remember masturbating to a video like this when I was 14 years old. I've never found it since. Can I have a nostalgic mind? If I describe this video to enough perverts anonymously, one of them is going to have the video. One of them? I would say thousands of them, dude. There has got to be a massive community of guys digging up stuff that we loved when we were kids. Heather Brook, baby. Heather fucking Brook. Is that one of your number ones? When I was 15 years old? Yeah. Heather Brook? You know what's so funny is Jenna Jameson was kind of like our archangel. She was like the one. Follows me on Twitter. Shut up. And I've never known why. Well, you're talented. No. She's talented, you're talented. And you have something in common. She's not still doing it. No. Is there like a champions tour for her? You know how they do that in the PGA? They go to like this. Like, is there a champions league for porn stars? There should be. Give them an aftermarket. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Well, now this is a new trend. A very, very popular trend. Porn stars are on podcasts now. Big time. They're all doing pods. And a lot of them are saying that they're regretting their actions and they want to be, they want all their old stuff pulled off. But it's impossible. Speaking of pulling off. Pulling off. What? She's 52, focused on a new life centered on faith, sobriety, and health. Living in Miami. Faith, sobriety, and health. Faith is gay. Faith is gay? Everything else I'm on board with. Good for her. Wait. Sobriety and health. Good. I'll go for that. In Miami. Very Christian. From there, she doesn't believe in vaccines. I can do it right now. No, no, no. That's why I said faith and sobriety and then health. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In that order. And by the way. God will cure me first. 100%. And then doctors with degrees in science may be third. May be third. We'll listen to them out. When it's over. When it's over, I'll go. Do they have a disgusting gritting voice? Then I'm not listening. Also, by the way, Miami? Yeah. Miami, that's the pick? That's the word. Interesting pick. Going to stay away from drugs, alcohol, booze, and bad habits. I'm moving to Miami. Bienvenido a Miami. That's one of the most thick, dense places of booze, drugs, partying, chaos, nightlife. If she said she moved to South Dakota, I'd be like, she's really gunning for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you disappear. Utah? Yeah, but brother, disappear from the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's your life end when it's over? Where do you want to be? Where do you want to sit in a cabin somewhere when? Your kids are grown, you and your wife, it's just you two. What's that look like in your mind? Oh, it's Scotland. Scotland, 100%. I'll never leave Scotland. You can't. No, because I really like tall poppy syndrome. I think it's a really important thing. Explain this, because a lot of Americans don't know about this. Australians, it's a huge deal down there. It's big, I would say, in the UK, but. Huge in Scotland. It's massive in Scotland. Tall poppy syndrome is like if anyone from where you're from does work, well. At all. Even a little bit. Even a little bit. Like the guy that goes from assistant general manager to general manager, they're like, take a look at this fucking gag. Oh, Billy Big Balls. It's crazy. And it doesn't exist in America, because you all worship billionaires, because you all think you'll all be billionaires tomorrow, and so you want to fucking celebrate that. Scotland is very much. And the reason why I consider myself to be even remotely a good person is because. It's because when my ego was out of fucking check in my 20s, when things were going well, when I thought I was one of the fucking best in the world, I would go back to Fife, Scotland, and they'd be like, hud up, cunt. Didn't we make you eat your boogers? You were the kid that ate his boogers for us for money. We used to throw jellyfish at you. Tall poppy syndrome is like a really. Don't forget what you fucking came from. Oh, yeah? For a goddamn. Because this fucking city. I don't know how you're still such a pure fucking man. I'm not. This city. We all have egos. This city's the worst in the world. It is. This festival's the worst in the world. Well, this has been tough. They feed you bullshit. They feed you lies. You're going to be the next fucking. The amount of times I've come to LA, and I've swallowed happily the sugar of medicine where they told me I was going to be the fucking next big thing. So many fucking times. If I lived here, I would be a monster. Thank God every time I got given that medicine, I got to go back home to the chemotherapy, I'd be a copy of Scotland. Cleansed. You're cleansed. You're pure again. Where they'd be like, motherfucker, what are you. What is this attitude? Well, we have. Okay, so we have this in sections of America, right? Like, I'm from Chicago. When I go home, my friends make fun of me just the same way that they did before. If you don't have that connective tissue, you are fucked. You are absolutely. You're out in an island alone. And there's been many people. I'm not going to mention names, but. I'll do it. Okay. We know many people who, like, didn't have a. network of real, solid core, either family or friends. You don't have to have both. Some people have no family. And. But if you have to have people you grew up with or still keep in touch with, that kind of pull the. Yes. Go, come on, come on, come on. People that knew you when. They knew you when. They knew you when and they know you now. So no matter how fucking big the whispers in your ears will tell you to be, they go, shut the fuck up. Like, I'm really grateful that, like, a lot of my close friends are people that, like, came to, like, my first or second ever gig. Crazy. Like, they remember me performing to fucking four people. So they're proud of me. Yeah. And they celebrate me. And my friend Gene, my friend Ali, like, they are so proud of me. Anytime I get too big for my little fucking booties, they're like, come here, motherfucker. Lend me your ear, you piece of shit. But it levels you out in a good way. Really good. My wife, my perfect bitch wife. She mocks you. Oh. Good. But my wife is my biggest fan. I will never have a better gig in the world than when I know my wife is in the crowd because I know me having a good gig makes her horny and I want to make her horny. You do. And she doesn't like the fact that me having a good gig makes her horny. So there's a, like, it's a real. Ooh, this is sexy. Yeah, it's the best. It's the best. My wife doesn't like feeding my ego because she sees my ego in it. And she also sees my deep insecurity for the world. For the rest of the fucking time. Yeah. So there's part of her that, like, when I have a fucking good gig and she's in the crowd, she's like, she's in the crowd and she's like, that's my fucking mom. That's hot. It's the hottest. See, that's funny. It's the hottest. There's two ways, though. Some people get very nervous when friends and family and wives and, you know, partners are in the crowd. I get, I'm 50-50. Certain shows I really want my wife there. I want good friends there. Certain shows I'm like, I just don't. But I don't want to let, my attitude get in the way because occasionally you get off stage and you're like, it didn't go the way I want. It was still a great show. But there's things that miss. And then I don't want to do that thing. My, I can have a fucking great gig and I'll walk off stage and my wife will be like, you hated that. And I'll be like, yep. Yeah, I know. Because my wife is the only person in the world apart from me who has seen me do 400 fucking gigs. So when I have a good gig that I fucking hate, audience is like, I thought it was great. I was like, cool. You've seen one of 5,000 shows. I've done. Yeah. I've seen 5,000 shows that I've fucking done. And this is in the bottom fucking 50. And I know it went well and I know people laugh and I know people clap, blah, blah, blah. But still. But it's in the bottom fucking 50. My wife is the only person that has that understanding really of me. Of what the real, the real story is. She's seen me come off stage to standing ovations and be like, you hate every second. I was like, I hate every second. What is that about us? Why do we have that bug inside? What is that thing? Perfectionism? We've got perfectionism Neil Brennan had a fucking great term yesterday which is like, which I'm going to forget it. Watch his podcast. It's a different type of narcissism which is like hating yourself is a different type of narcissism. It's not loving yourself. It's hating yourself in such a pure way that you want the fucking best. The second he said it, I was like, oh my God, you've diagnosed me. Well, he does this all the time. He talked, we talked about Neil says he'll drop nuggets all the time. We'll be on the phone We were on the phone a couple of days ago for like an hour and a half about he talks about he, he, he finds something scientific and then brings it to our world. Like he talked about lectin. Lectin, I think is what it's called. Lectin is the chemical in your stomach that tells you you're full and how like in the evolutionary because of evolution, we have surpassed, right? Isn't that right? Lectin. We've suppressed lectin, especially as gorging American gluttons or whatever, because we have food access. So we eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. And we've, we've decided how big the plate is. And that's how big my side, my meal is. But we've kind of like suppressed lectin. And he's like, the funny thing is some people in our business, it's like they have no lectin anywhere in their body. They don't know what's enough or when is it good? Or if it's, it's just, there is no signaling because if you suppress lectin when you're eating, right? You overeat. It's, it's, it can't handle all that weight. So then you'll start to gain weight and you're eating too much. And then that won't even satisfy you. And he's like, that's the same trick we play with our whole body because comics, performers, entertainers, don't really sit in it slowly. You're as fast as you can. We sit in our failures way longer than we sit in our successes. Fuck yeah. Success is you got to go home. I got to get out of here. Yeah. You have a, you have a, you have a fucking good, I have a good gig. I go home. Sometimes I'll like, if it's, especially if it's new material, I'll listen to the new material when I'm driving home in the car and just like fucking. Doesn't that give you anxiety? No. Oh, see if I listen to it, if I listen to it right away, I get, I have to wait a couple of days and then I'll, and I'll listen to the set. - No, the longer I wait, the more I hate myself. that's interesting so like the the fresh when i listen to it i'm like fucking you know what man well done like you went out there you did it all i would the saddest my wife has ever seen me and i'll never fucking forget this it was during fucking covid like i'm learning about the fucking algorithm and like how the game's fucking changed my wife is outside and she comes in and she's like what are you watching i'm like what do you mean she's like i've never seen you angrier like i'd like your resting face was so filled with rage that like i assumed you're watching the holocaust right right which we do pop on once in a while when you're bored i just i just want to check the numbers i want to count them by the way autistic kids who love trains i mean the holocaust is a big it's a big it's a big big deal for those guys is that a b14 yeah why are 60 percent of jews autistic who could know what were you watching me oh my god that's amazing i was watching i was watching my own special to try and find clips to film and she was like she was like i'm it makes me so sad that that's what was filling you with your own fucking rage yeah fucking i can't but but but while he's sitting on a thing we haven't cut up the old special at all and i he's sitting on it for months and months and months and i i'm just waiting i know he's waiting for me but it's hard i just it's hard to go back to it to look at it because you're like look at you you just let me do it you dumb piece of shit now on the on the contrary what do you know you're gonna watch it's gonna make you feel good like what is the thing we did this with o'connor last night i go what's gonna make you feel good at the end of the day if you're like i want to watch something's gonna make me laugh incessantly yeah or just take me out of this machine and first of all i like i like sappy shit i can be a little i can be a little sad boy i say this a lot i'm not i'm the gayest man in the world brother don't even get me started all i want i make sure that my instagram reels are just children asking their stepfathers to adopt them fuck uh deaf kids being given hearing cochlear implants for the first time that's one of my favorite videos that ever exists that's what i said last night in chroma glasses oh my god color blind fucking with big strong men being given color for the fucking first time it's so they can be racist to the guy i don't like that color at all i thought y'all were the same literally i was in a i was over the road just having a fucking coffee and i watched a four minute video and i'm crying in this cafe across the fucking road kids buying their fathers their dream car oh yeah come on my my god and the way that the dad does it too the way the dad's like what is this mark mark what is this it's the son of a boomer so it so they don't know how to express their feelings no they're the most they're the most traumatized generation in the world yeah because they're like my dad never hugged me and you're like that's awful yeah it's really sad that's true don't don't that's that's not the rule for life right parents should love their children and they should celebrate them all i'm really sorry that your dad never told you so it's just this person who's like they've broken that generation of thought finally they've said it to the kids but they still don't know how to be loved yeah it's hard they seeing a 65 year old man who never ever was told i love you by anyone be told i love you in a physical fucking way and their inability to process it makes me fucking weak it is magic but i love you i tell my dad i love me i tell my my boys i love i say i love you a lot i say i love you when i hang up every time it's yeah it's i yeah also uh i do i i think like when someone says i love you it's like i feel for you more than i feel for the random person on the street i i it's not that i have no care for everyone that walks the road but when you have any sort of connection you're like you know i do love you like there is a thing that is going to always you know like the lack of you would make my life worse it'd be a bummer and i and i would and i don't know maybe i wouldn't feel it every day but there would be moments where profoundly i would miss you yeah not necessarily being in my company but being in the world the idea that you exist the exact the idea that i get to exist in the same timeline as you and we get to be this together incredible buddy i love you yes see beauty that's beauty yeah and i and sometimes it does pop into your head i texted mark marin yesterday just to say hello i said i was thinking about you i haven't seen him around in a while he's been on the road and his response was perfect it was just a go fuck yourself which i loved dearly i said man i miss seeing you around hope you're well and it's a big go fuck yourself yeah then a five minute pause and then a hey buddy i'm in salt lake that's the love that i that's the love that i that i love especially like that with comics when you know comics for a while and you don't see people because you're very successful man you tour all the time you're on the run and if it's not that you're with your family so you just see each other less and less and less and less and it kind of fades away and you forget you don't realize how much you fucking miss it like i really like being after my daughter was born i took a year off and i was like i'm just gonna be a normal dude so i'm just gonna fucking hang out with other parents and live a normal life and be in like just scotland and just exist as a human being and it was really fulfilling and it was really great and it was really good to just fucking befriend normal people who don't hate themselves who don't drink themselves to death who are also they are also really funny but they don't have the narcissism in their funniness to think that it deserves to be the center of attention they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're fulfilled they don't need they don't need the other thing man some of the funniest people in my life are non-coms oh my favorite my funniest friends are 100 would not comes yeah and they would because why would they now why no they feel good getting to exist in a world of like just for me other parents because nobody wants to talk about your kids as much as other parents want to talk about their kids big time so sometimes all i want to do is hang out with other parents so we can just love our children in front of each other i miss racism when you are with comics the game is what how how can i shock the unshockable right and i don't mean anything none of it's real no but how can i say the worst thing that's gonna make a professional comic of 20 years ago i beg your pardon what did you just say what did you just say what did you just say what did you just say what did you just say what did you just say i'm fucking with comics i went to one of those netflix things my favorite thing to do of a comic i know is very insecure and we all are but my favorite thing to do is to look at someone and scan their body a bunch and go you look healthy you look like you're healthy you look like you're feeling you're filling out you look good yeah and then they go what what do you mean no no like you're like you're all there like you look really good and i know they walk away going what is that is that like a fat thing what are you talking about and they just it like ruins their afternoon and i did it a few times and i could see people's face like what is that what do you mean adam divine i think i tagged him good i go you look healthy dude you look pretty you look like you're you're like a dad now and he was like what the bet my favorite one you're in a green room somebody goes on and objectively smashes like it's undeniable they smash they come back into the green room and you go how do you think it went oh my god that's so fucked up did you like that good did you like that yeah did you record it are you gonna listen to it fucking because they're like no shattering someone's reality it's like a real yeah like do i know no no you no no no it's no no no it's good for you yeah i just meant like you that's i don't know what your standard is or whatever yeah i've i've i have different standards i expect better of myself but if that was good for you then great the phrase good set my favorite thing is to just say set when someone comes off and go set oh it hurts set dude set you did it stings and then you're thinking about it you're in your notepad being like what is what is that fuck that that was good right what is he nuts stays with you all night long you can't get away wait you said you took a year off for one kid you'd take it for the other one or no the other one didn't get the year so so with my son when he was born i needed money for him to fucking to live yeah yeah yeah even though he was eating from my wife i was like she needs to eat women um and like very quickly like i love my job i'm very grateful for my fucking job there's no way to do this job without travel yeah and i really felt like with my son like i was i was never away for like weeks at a time but like even just the weekends or like the five days away it felt like i was coming back to his different kids and i felt like i was missing like look when he's fucking 13 and she's fucking 11 and they hate me who gives a fuck i'll tour for a year yeah that's good because i can explain to them the reason hey do you like your fucking awesome house yeah it's because daddy's good at what daddy does but when i talk to parents um the thing they say is like these are these are the years that you never get back the young ones yeah and these are the formative years these are the ones where it's like it's it not not necessarily the most fulfilling because i think all of parenthood is deeply fulfilling but this is the ones where you know you plant a seed and you see it grow and you see it grow so quickly and you see these parts of your children that You know put things about yourself that you fucking hate when your kids exhibit them You love it because it makes them unique and different and it did having kids teaches you to love yourself in a way that a Therapist has never successfully done for me. Never ever It's with my daughter I was like I want to you know I took my wife on tour when she was six months pregnant around America Really on a tour bus with a two-month old two-year-old kid It was the greatest time of her life you tell a two-year-old that he's gonna live on a bus for two months Still ha and buddy. Yeah, buddy the run-of-the-mill Cocaine would have been lesser Cocaine would have bummed America. Yeah fucking reality My wife at the time of my life we got to really actually be in America as opposed to tooting is Waking up at 7:00 a.m. Getting to an airport Fucking layovers, whatever you don't see any part of the world now in a tour bus You see it all they drive you through tonight. We got to be in America Now I will criticize this country till the ends of this earth. Yeah, I love this country. Yeah, of course I love yes, we need criticism though. That's a good thing. You don't criticize things. You don't love no, no, no, of course. Yeah Yeah, I love this country so Very much. I love all of that. I love all the different parts of that I like experiencing my wife loves it like when we get to share this country with her son for you Do you know how good as a nation you guys are it like? science museums for a country that doesn't believe in science Like to get to like experience this country Fully with my kid. I'm when I'm touring in October November. I'm doing a tour bus with both of my fucking kids again Wow, because I want them to You know, I want them to understand that America is not what you see on the news. It's not what you see in the voting booths America is a Continent that thinks it's a country That's right Yeah, but we're actually you're not a country We're 50 countries the biggest line probably more than any kind of the biggest lie in America is the first line of your country United Yeah, what are you talking about? Not even a little bit? Each other you've not even been you made since the start. Yeah, you're the states of America. Yeah, cuz you're all in a fucking state Right, right. There's what are you talking about? No, it's true that we have not we have we you've never been United Well, we hate each other within our own states like there's a battle San Francisco doesn't like LA I talk about that all the time they make fun of us Incessantly like different parts of one state don't even like each other. We just have different opinions views Like what am I saying? LA to Orange County has got to be what 40 miles? The website completely different world what side to the east side west side of the east side of LA? But this is still an LA thing. We still have that. I still love the LA core of LA It still is do you like two different sides? I do. I've been here for 20 is my 20th year I love so much about Los Angeles. I dislike a lot of it as well I think I think I think Israel's doing a genocide in the wrong city Bring it over here. Get over here. Boys, get over here. I love the people in this place. Yes. Well, the people are why we're probably still here I would nuke this fucking city off the face of the planet. Well, where would the center point be though? I need to know that. I would nuke this fucking city off the face of the planet. I need to know that. Oh, nukes are big now I can do. Oh, that's a good point. Okay, where am I? Where's the eye of the story? Where are the most Asians? No In this studio most I the biggest like as a as a scar Growing up in like American culture and then coming out and experiencing LA and just the culture shock of what we've been sold in movies What is two big six? the Hollywood's What? Walk of Fame. Oh god. There's star When I tell you I grew up thinking like that Street was Michelin star restaurant paved in gold Like it's the stars just the stars walking over the right fucking name. Right, right. I Saw a Black spider-man jerking off. Oh, we know him. That's Marcus. I love that guy. Good friend friend of the show within within 10 minutes Of being on this and your kid is like is he spinning a web? You're like he is actually A web of truth and lies Yeah, that's the most disgusting part of Los Angeles by far Hollywood because I thought because it because when we from outside of America I'm even outside of LA think of those Hall of whenever we're seeing these photos its celebrities with a fucking star you think it's the most start the truck in China there We have a Chinese theater. Yeah, like you think this is where the red carpet? carpet is. So shortly during the day, it's just Scarlett Johansson is freaking herself at the side of the fucking road. After having a beautiful fucking meal. Snoop Dogg's just fucking smoking weed and hanging out. No. Nothing of the sort. No, it's the saddest place. It's the saddest. It's the saddest place I've ever been. And all those stars avoid that place now. Now there is no pride in going to these old Hollywood nooks. They don't even exist. A lot of them don't even exist anymore. You know, they've torn them all down or they're now, now they're all like production studios and buildings have all changed. I mean, they sold, all the studios are for sale. I think we're going to buy a studio, right? Do we have the money? Yeah, they're like 10 bucks. 10 bucks, take out a loan. Yeah, it's changed. It's not the same. I think it's because LA's focused on clout versus culture now. Clout over culture. Culture, but LA to defend it, has so much rich depth. You're just seeing one little piece of it. There's so much great culture. Yeah, but the depth is mostly rape. Historical sexual assault. In Hollywood. But you go outside of it and you're good. You go outside. Go to the east side is great. You know, like all these Mexican communities that like take so much pride in this city that LA doesn't show or care about. And if they do, they give it a heartbeat of a chance in Hollywood and they throw it into the trash. I'll never understand like the Americans racism towards the Mexicans. I would love to share a border with Mexico. You're bringing me that food at 3am? Come on over. I think Scottish Indians and I say this as a white man so I could be very wrong. I think Scottish Indians receive less racism than English Indians because the Scots were just so grateful that they bought us curry at 2 in the morning. And really like we were just like what do you mean you're flavoring meat? Spices? What do you mean? What is this? Like Mexican food specifically in this fucking city is so unbelievably good at any time of the fucking day. And I'm like you hate these people. The reason Scottish people hate Polish people is what do you mean you brought us cabbage? Where we at? Pickled cabbage? We had it. Fucking finish the driveway and fuck off. You're not bringing any culture here. Your songs are stupid. Your women are perfect. Thank you very much. They're too religious but by the by. But you're not bringing. You're not bringing over fucking the worst dumplings in the world are from Poland. What do you mean you bring this over fucking here? You have these people that come and make you the freshest, spiciest, the best fucking food. Delicious. And you hate them? We love them. But some people hate them. I'll never understand. Well we love them. I think it's because people, inherently all over the world people are afraid of what they don't know. And America has this thing. And America doesn't know anything. We don't know anything. We don't know almost nothing. You know the least of any kind of fucking world. You guys listen to the world news? We don't listen to our news. Isn't that crazy? Also, your biggest news channel legally is not a news channel. Fox News is legally classified as entertainment. The reason Tucker Carlson got away with all of the bilious lies that he fucking spews. It's not journalism. It's not journalism. In a court of law his lawyer was like anyone who believed. what this man said on the news is an idiot. Because it's not the news. It's entertainment. That's crazy. It also helped blur the lines. Well it's insane. It blurred the lines now that all entertainment is journalism and all journalism is entertainment. There is now. That helped everyone blur. So now there's no. Now you don't even know. Now there's people that lie say their journalists go to like a hotbed of like a protest or anything that's politically charged and they claim they're journalists. But nobody. can say you're not. Do you know what I mean? It's like saying like there is no way to prove it so they go they're a journalist. No they're just. Some of these. They're just harassing people. But it doesn't matter anymore. Because Americans don't care. They're just like yeah fuck it give it to me. Clip it. Give it to me. In here we pour whiskey. This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by FanDuel. Baseball fans. 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like gingers also i didn't realize that was a bit for you do you like that that's hilarious i told you i go when is he going to notice i go i'm gonna pour him and kill tony cups for you just for fun dude sometimes i do little tiny bits throughout the day my nose isn't long enough to look down enough at him you hate you hate everything about that world huh despise it yeah despise it no you give no credit to it finding young comics no because it corrupts young comics what about cam patterson okay let's talk about the guys that come okay okay okay okay there's some hits excellent point and i've spoken to cam six i think he's you don't talk to black people you told me it's brewed some wonderful things it has and cam patterson's journey into snl i watched him i got to watch him like so genuinely fucking crushed because i think i had very ignorant opinions on him sure because of because he came from the pit right fucking hates it you hate it because i and i have friends that have done kill tony and it's changed their careers it's big and it's popular and fucking you know it's it's a cancer in this country but that's fine we love cancer it's a cancer in this country but that's fine we love cancer it's a cancer in this country but that's fine we love cancer it's a cancer in this country cancer here you yeah because insurance is hard to get yeah yeah yeah and it's more money for everyone yeah baby when i saw cam doing the kill tony spots i certainly i thought he was great but i was like oh he's gonna just be in this world which is this huge echo chamber where certain stuff is reinforced and other stuff is discouraged and what is discouraged is creativity and being genuine and being actually funny hates it so much and then and then i saw his snl stuff and then i saw his snl stuff and then and then i saw his snl stuff and then and then i saw his snl stuff and then i saw him at the fucking seller i was just i was there in fucking november buddy when i tell you he killed he's a star he's a star it's unbelievable when he came on this show because he's shaking off yeah he got the stank off well he was he's just an independent comedian he just wanted someone to show his ability yes so this is where i'm playing devil's advocate right i don't hate it the way you hate it i think it's very funny that you hate it i love it yeah i love a lot of things about what those things find i hate a lot of things about fantastic i knew when he he was just the biggest comic comedian in estonia yeah and he was learning to do comedy in english and he's one of my oldest friends he's fantastic i love that fucking boy when i saw that clip come up with him smashing it and fucking kill tony i was so tough for him yeah because my boy is doing the hardest thing in the world which is to be a foreign comedian succeeding in america right this is the hardest nut to fucking crack you're the when we talk about stand-up this country invented it yeah this is the country of stand-up yeah it invented it it perfected it ninety percent of the greatest stand-ups that have ever lived come from this country ninety percent of the greatest comedians in the world from this fucking country you are the country of stand-up and it's one of the few good things you've done apart from you know bombing japan out of imperialism like i to even as somebody who is marginally successful you're very successful the the biggest good is for me to succeed here will always be the biggest thing to me like i cannot believe that i sell out figures here like this country where stand-up was born and fucking made is like man it's cool to fucking be a celebrity in india like i love that i want to be a bollywood star yeah yeah that's all like i like being famous in fucking india i you know i like selling tickets to five thousand people in fucking moscow that's a really cool fucking thing very to sell out a theater here and to be able to tour this country is like uh for re to blow up and do fucking i want that so that's why i find the good in the other side of it that's my devil's advocacy is like that show does do wonderful things i get the i get your point of contention yeah i know what you don't like yeah i do like so much about it but i do hate stand-up in general now a little bit because it's because it's been and it's not that show it's more my bother comes from people see that show young comics and they emulate it and they want to be on it and try to do what it is and i'm like we used to just try to figure it out on your own you cry you you kind of it was like rubik's cubing where you're like dude don't watch a tutorial try to figure it out on your own kill tony is for stand-up comedy what porn was for us when we were 13 which is like oh girls like their face being cummed on because in every porn i watch girls like their face being cummed on and then you have sex with women and they're like what are you talking about i don't know what you're talking about don't do that don't you why are you doing that that's what kill tony is no woman wants their face cummed on oh they well they definitely don't they don't they never want it my wife loves me yeah my wife loves my cum i gave her two great kids right she didn't want to cum on her face no she has to use her face that's her face yeah that's insane yeah and why would i cover her beautiful face no and also if somebody touches my face somebody touches my face i have a panic attack i don't i can acknowledge when men are fucking attractive i've kissed men in my life just to check have you yeah just to test yeah putting your toe in the in the water how do you know you don't like broccoli if you haven't eaten broccoli i think i'll tell you what broccoli broccoli is a trick because it does look like shit but you're like this is pretty good man regularly throughout my 20s i would say every two years i would intentionally kiss a guy every two years just to see because i man i like fucking did you up the arse i'm close sure no that's not you that's a digit in the ass is actually uh it's our secret what do we say that's like when you find the when you find the flute in super mario brothers and you're like oh i can't believe it that's there like look i've always loved women i've always been a fucking attraction to women but i'm like you gotta check right you gotta check every time i've kissed a man it's been the worst experience of my life yeah men are disgusting oh their tongues are so muscly well they're just kissing a woman is so soft and gentle yeah kissing a man so i'm remarkably unattractive to men i wouldn't even it's all buddy because i'm a guy and i know what i look like when i get out of the shower yeah and when i look at i said this before when i look when i when i have that mirror that faces my shower i get out i turn to the right there's a mirror right there and i see my little shower penis and my gross body and i think i could never see this every day that would gross me out like it's in fact i don't want my wife to come near the bathroom when i shower when i find men attractive it's never their dick i like their jaw i like their fucking it's a feature it's a feature straight men are the one what straight men think attractive men are is so incorrect what is that what is it what two of my friends uh who i think are objectively the ugliest people that have ever lived i bully them about being ugly and bald and disgusting women find them super hot yeah because when i am as a straight man i'm like what's and it's what would i like to look like reps chiseled nice fucking hair all about women like a better rough yeah they don't want right they don't want this clean perfect no no they like the thing that you go oh that's kind of gross girls are like oh that's why girls like popping pimples on your back girl girls like the nitty and nasty of a guy because otherwise they'd be into women if they liked clean they'd be into women yeah yeah because they would like not lesbians no no no no that's a whole different story yeah yeah yeah that is true gay i mean i've got so many fucking gay uh friends and it's where i learned it's like you need fast hydration for the summer heat hydrate your winds with the new liquid iv sugar-free ring pop cherry. Shop liquidiv.com, save with their buy three, get one free offer, and use promo code POD26. That's P-O-D-2-6. Beat the heat. Play, eat, and shop on repeat at Netflix House at Galleria Dallas. This episode of Netflix House is brought to you by Netflix. It's called Free Nights and Cool Summer. You get free nights every night, all year long, plus a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer. Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights and Cool Summer. TXU Energy, energy for everything. Rep number 10004. What I thought gay guys would be into was poofs. Just like chiseled fucking thing. The gay guys I know are like, I want to fuck men. Yeah. I want to fuck straight men. Dirty, disgusting, sweaty, stinky men. Stinky, awful. Women are, and gays will hate me saying this, women are super close to gays. Ah. They, they, look, they hate each other because they're both horrible people. But they love, you know, there's, there's nothing gayer than a straight man's opinion of what an attractive man is. Yeah, that's true. Because it's so wrong. It's wrong. Yeah. Women want a little, they want genuineness. They want a bit of fucking rough. They want a bit of fucking dirt under the fucking fingernails. Yeah. A little pooch. They don't, they like the little, they like the slobbiness. Only, only men, only men like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Oh, you don't, no, women don't like that at all. No. No. No. Buddy, I've been going to the gym for like a year and like I, my arms have gone a little bit bigger. Your kids look good. I'm so sensitive about this bit. Like I'm, when I go back from LA on Monday, I'm going to do a fucking strip for three weeks. I'm going to a friend's 50th birthday because I want abs. My wife is uninterested. Doesn't matter to her. It wouldn't do anything for her. No, no, no. What my wife likes is when I pick up both of my children and I take them away from her. But that's where you're going to the gym so you can scoop these children up and walk away with them arm in arm. Yeah. Yeah. And also like my wife's out of my league in so many aspects. She has to be. She must be. So like I, the reason I go to the gym is because I'm so sick of disgracing her in public. People go, that's, you guys are. There was a photo of us in San Francisco when, when she was seven months pregnant, feeling the worst she's ever fucking felt. There's a picture of us in San Francisco where she looks like my lawyer for a frat sexual assault that I did. And I was, and it was how I dressed and it was how I was. And I was like, I can't make this woman, because she loves me for who I am on the inside. Yeah. I can't make her hang out with a big. Yeah. No, no, no. It's bad for her image. It's disrespectful. Yeah. Quite frankly, it's bad. It's really disrespectful. And not even disrespectful in the way that she likes, but it's disrespectful. It's disrespectful. Yeah. It's funny because there are cultures, there are cultures, there are cultures where the men are deliberate slobs and the women love it. Really? Oh, brother. Right here. Don't name the cultures, but do the accents. Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. These men are almost always bald. They're always got big, big, big, big bellies, slick back hair, glasses, and it's all designer, always designer. And the women, stunning. And the guys always are slobs. Am I wrong? You know what the fuck I'm saying. Yeah. Go to the Glendale Galleria and tell me I'm wrong. Go and walk around by a Versace store. Just say Armenia. Yeah. Just say. You will see a slovenly man with a stunning woman who, by the way, goes to the gym five days a week. He is not interested in going near a fucking cardio machine. And they, they love it. The only reason you would go to the gym is to throw out slurts. He's paying the 20 fee, the 20 entrance fee every day. Exactly right. And he's like, just so we can go off and smoke and go out front, smoke, go back inside. Yeah. That's the thing. I had a fag outside and there's more in here. That is a cultural thing that they like slovenly looking. It's not the younger generation. Different story. Generation. The smarter generation. Yes. The younger kids are different, but the older guys, the older guys I see in the neighborhood, brother, these women are stunning and the men are how in the fuck, but you, of course you've outkicked your coverage, right? You have to, you have to, you're, you have to, you're, you're going up. Women settle down. Ask me how I met my wife. How? She's my ex-girlfriend's younger sister. Shut the fuck up. Really? So your sister-in-law is your ex? My sister-in-law is the aunt of my children and she's a wonderful aunt. And you, how did that get, how did that get sorted? How did you, what is this conversation? Like I'm in love with your younger sister? No, no, no. So, so the, the, the caveats and the fucking asterisks, my ex-girlfriend, we dated for three months when we were 21. Oh, that's not a real thing. When you said ex, I thought you meant like it's a long term, three months, 21 kids, kids dating is not a, that's no, no, no. That's fine. We liked each other and we had the healthiest breakup I've ever had in my life because we really liked each other, but we really realized that we were just very different people. We wanted different things. Sure. You're 21. And then afterwards, uh, she got into a relationship. She was with a guy for like five years. The reason I know this was because she's a very caring person and she would check in on me. She was really proud of my career. She was worried about my mental health. She was just a good person. So we stayed in contact, uh, maybe twice a year during that time. Uh, and then I do a show, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2016, five years after we break up. And in the front row is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. And it really, you've got to understand how ugly my audience is. I don't know what you get. My audience, my audience is, I'm very proud of the audience I have. My audience is 66% women. I think it's really good for like any type. The reason why Michelle Wolf is such an impressive comic is because Michelle Wolf rips to men. Yeah. Right. Michelle Wolf is one of the greatest comics because going across to the other side is really tough. It's very hard. It's unbelievable. I love the fact that most of my audience are women. I'm proud of that. I love that. Uh, a lot of neurodivergent munters, a lot of people who were beautiful on the inside. Yes. Empathetic kind. So when I walk out on stage and there's just this Northern slut, this 10 out of 10 fucking smoke show in the front. And I recognize there is my ex's younger sister. I've met her before. You never thought anything of it prior. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because when, when I was 21, 22 dating my ex, uh, Cara, my beautiful and perfect wife was 19. I'm not looking at a fucking 19. Also, well, you're 21. She's 19. That's not insane. No, no, no. But you got quite close. My, the thing, my father-in-law who I love so deep. I love my father-in-law. I, if I could spend a week with him on a holiday, I would. Does he have a fear you might date his wife? Cause I mean, you're moving down the line. That's the first thing he said. Buddy, buddy. Right, right, right, right, right. So you're trying to hit all the girls in the family? When, uh, so me and Cara, my wife, we date in secret for like a year. We were just fuck buddies. We fall in love during this time. And then she, I'm like, come to New York. We've never spent more than a day in each other's company with clothes on. Right. Come to New York for a week and let's find out if we actually like each other. Sure. My wife comes over to New York within 18 hours. I tell her I love her because I felt it instantly just being with her. She tells her parents, uh, that we've been doing this. I then have to go back and re-meet my in-laws. I go to my wife's childhood home, which I'd been in before. Yeah, you've been there. Yeah. You know where the bathroom is. You're like, I do. Yeah, I remember where it is. Yeah. Uh, I, my, my mother-in-law opens the door and for the first time in my life, I have nothing to say there. I don't know enough words for sorry. I don't know how to explain myself. I, I, the, the, the like blood drains from my fucking face and my mother-in-law laughs. She grabs me, she brings me into a hug and she whispers in my ear. It's lovely to see you again. And I'm so grateful that she made a joke that she was the first person to like, break the fucking tension that like i really hugged her my father-in-law and this is 100 fucking true my father-in-law comes in separates us and says you're not getting the hat trick that is a home run that's incredible you're not getting the hat trick no chance and he was wrong because i fucked him yeah you did i was gonna say he was that that was him being like but look the goal of dating both of his daughter was to just call him daddy one day like a good son-in-law yeah daddy you want me to carve the turkey daddy yeah now they from your hometown no no no my wife is scum she's she's like i rest i taught her english i taught her cutlery i rescued her from numbers everything really yeah yeah she's from like the countryside no worse aberdeen oh aberdeen so like aberdeen used to be the oil capital of like the fucking uk so in like the 80s and 90s big time i don't know if you know this but like oils are limited yeah so in the 2000s aberdeen died a little bit it's called it's the saddest city in the world it's all gray it's called the granite city my wife is the happiest and most joyful person i'd say this next thing with love my wife is unburdened with an inner monologue right really doesn't when i when i come back from therapy and i talk to my wife about how i feel about myself and like my really vicious critical inner monologue she's like that's on stuff and i'm like what do you talk to yourself about like during the day she's like i don't talk to myself yeah no i'm busy she's like it's nothing if nothing's happening i'm not thinking about anything wow i'm like what do you what do you mean how does she get there is she very intelligent no it's the opposite no it's the opposite no it's emotionally absolutely yeah uh academically we're both dumb academically me and my wife are both you're not a dumb guy i'm not i'm not you weren't good in school no that's also because school wasn't good for you that's what i like to say school wasn't right for some people i i was atrocious in school it's not because i was dumb it's because it was completely very uninteresting my wife is the most emotionally intelligent person i've ever met in my entire life her intelligence is her ability to absorb information of and apply it to the future which is what real intelligence that's what yeah that's what all the humans are supposed to knowledge wise she's the thickest can i tell you my favorite my favorite thing my dumb wife has ever said this is dirty nate bargatze during covert yeah i get the you know the changeable weights like a you put them down yeah you stack them there yeah yeah exactly and you rotate it and i can't get the name of those things but it's like it goes from three kilos to 25 kilos yeah i buy two of those dumbbells they come to the house and i say to my wife i'm going to move them out to the the office and all the houses out in the fucking cars i'm going to move out there that's where the gym is can you open the doors for me because i'm just going to carry these two boxes myself my wife my beautiful perfect wife goes why don't you just turn the weights down oh wow genius and so you know when somebody says something so stupid that you you're you're not even going to insult them you just want to let them exist in this stupidity let them have it study it right and i'm like what do you mean she's like well why don't you just turn the weights down to a lower weight to take them over and i'm like do you think if that technology existed nasa wouldn't be using it to get to the moon you reckon with this technology right where you can turn to the weight of something they're wasting it on weights you dumb fuck and it finally clicked for me she's like i feel like that was stupid and i'm like bitch bitch apart from loving me it's the dumbest thing you've ever done turn the weights down and you let them sit in it don't say anything don't be mean when somebody says something stupid you let david attenborough uh uh voice the do that you know like and the idiot sits alone allow that stupidity to grow let it grow let's see what other new directions it can go because if you do say something you're starting a fight yeah and you're starting a fight that you don't want to have because you're because you become self-righteous asshole like you know everything huh yeah you got to hold the time when if my wife and i are doing a thing and she says something i'll just go okay and then she'll go what okay and she'll start to slowly go wolf okay no you know what yeah your problem yeah that's it it becomes it becomes this divergence you're like oh swat it away get it away now when you go home you have to be super dad because you're gone yes right yeah do you do the things where you're like i'm cooking i'm cleaning i'm supplementing all the things that i've been gone for or no um it's hard i'm really blessed in i'm a feminist man who marries a non-feminist woman which is the dream yeah it's the dream so when i my wife was uh her job prior was she was she was just a personal assistant a big corporation she was offered for promotion she was like nope i like where i am i limited responsibility loves being at home she's when i gave her the option to be like hey i earn enough for both of us if you want to be a stay-at-home she was like yep i didn't even finish it yeah yes yes she was like yeah i'm really blessed to have a wife when i am about when i went out to australia for three and a half weeks where it was really tough for me like i really i hate being away from home and that's a long fucking it's a long fucking time before i go out there my wife sits me down and she goes i could not do what you're about to do i could not leave our children for three and a half weeks and the fact that you're willing to do it for us as a family makes me super proud of you yeah and i'm really grateful and i'm just like oh my god thank god i upgraded the iphone because your sister wasn't like this i got i got i got i got the best wife in the world yeah that's a home run yeah yeah but that's but that's good there's there's nothing wrong with this world this is the problem is like these roles that we express in our own private personal relationships have been co-opted by other people's opinions of what people should do like you know this trad wife thing that people do on the internet now but it's so funny it's like they're selling that as if the only version of that is that and you're like no no people can negotiate their own fucking terms and stop pretending like if someone does want to stay at home that's bad or if someone does want to have a dual working household that's stupid that bothered me forever well i grew up with both of my parents worked my whole life right my stepdad had a really good job and when he married my mom you know uh she well had to keep working it's not like my dad was she probably at some point maybe could could have if she wanted but she loved it and it was never even a conversation so i only grew up knowing women who work because all her friends were women who work and so in my adult life i always sought women who didn't have to have like a super deep passion but enjoyed working in some of a thing that they like and there's nothing wrong with the other but i just was always attracted to it because it was what i grew up with yeah it's what i saw like my mom i never came home to fresh baked cookies like when i would go to those kids houses that was fucking your house yes they weren't working yes yeah but that was them work your mom is a very midwest mom yeah but she's like i never came home minnesota minnesota oh she oh yeah cookies out there his dad and i have hung out a few times much more than your mom and i your dad and i are bad boys together yeah i've said this this guy's parents get hammered yeah of course i got smoked with his parents smoked with these guys the the worst and most incorrect stereotype that the brits have about americans is that we think you can't drink i know this this go ahead when you go back tell those motherfuckers what happened to you the other night i tell the old there's been four times in my life i've been blackout drunk and all four of them were in this goddamn we did it baby like there is you guys we do it my favorite term in the world comes from australia sinking piss sinking piss sinking piss that's amazing you guys sink piss oh yeah in a way that is confronting thank you in a way that is uh concerning god bless in a way that is so like because like look i'm scottish i pride myself on fucking drinking whiskey like we can we can we can sink shit yeah pretty well you guys drink to a level that is like oh my god you you all hate your country um do you want to tell you were you told the story about your other day before we were rolling oh yeah before we rolled tell the story about the about thursday yeah yeah because here's why by the way and let me tell you why because here's why by the way and let me tell you why because here's why by the way and let me tell you exactly why we drink this way here particularly exactly why we drink this way here particularly exactly why we drink this way here particularly it's re this is a regional thing yeah right so it's re this is a regional thing yeah right so it's re this is a regional thing yeah right so same thing this is the united states joke yeah in the midwest where we come from in chicago in minneapolis you we drink heavily because it's terrible fucking weather and when it's the worst weather which you guys your weather's bad you can't fuck with our winters it's absurd chicago winters are they annihilate you as a person they fuck up your psyche it ruins you and you drink for community and you drink for family happiness and warmth you really do you're like i'm gonna get drunk with my friends because it'll make me feel good up here it's gonna make my body feel good and then the summer comes and you're like we gotta go outside and get fucking hammered the summer's here so we don't have we don't have a balance taps off weather you know taps off no in scotland i'm gonna need you to google fahrenheit here buddy yeah do 20 degrees celsius into fahrenheit i think it's like seven no it's just it's a disgustingly low number it's like 67 i think yeah 68 68 i was close that's good so 60 60 i'm worldly yeah i leave it on celsius when i go overseas just like with your hair and skin i know you know temperatures this kind of understands uv in every country the first thing i look at on the weather i go sunscreen till four got it before time difference uh in scotland yeah there is uh national problem of the second it gets above 20 degrees right it is 68 fahrenheit it's taps half weather taps is tops yeah tops tops off yeah tops are off let's go the more people phone in sick when it's 20 degrees in scotland than they did during covet businesses just under in scotland everything just they have to yeah they don't have a choice they're like they're like if oh everyone unfortunately today got the cold on the hottest day when it's 20 degrees in scotland when it's 60 fahrenheit nobody goes to work nope we all find it because there's only seven days of it during scott you're only getting you just got you get a week and a half maybe do you know the longest heat wave ever in scotland huh six days oh my god that's insane it's awful and the tops you get or the highest you get would be like 22 23 i don't know what you're talking about i don't know what you're talking about no no no no we do get to 26 sometimes really yeah yeah when it's the peak of the summer yeah yeah like the hottest it could ever be we've burned some oil baby let's go let's fucking open it up let's go see that ozone layer let's fucking two fingers let's fucking yeah finger that fucking thing widen it up yeah yeah yeah and look we don't mind global warming in the uk this is frank a frankie boyle joke but it's true scottish people love global warming because one day we'll get to one of those things and we're going to get to one of those things and we're going to get to one of those things and we're going to watch the english drone and we're going to watch the english drone and we're going to watch the english drone when sea levels rise yeah we're watching races gargle themselves to fucking death while we're in the highlands so you while we're in the highlands so you while we're in the highlands so you hate the english hate the english hate the english my closest friends my cousins you know my closest friends my cousins you know my closest friends my cousins you know what i mean the best what i mean the best what i mean the best i would without hesitation slit the throat i would without hesitation slit the throat i would without hesitation slit the throat of any english man of any english man of any english man if i knew there was no consequence but if i knew there was no consequence but if i knew there was no consequence but you're like us that's like the irish you're like us that's like the irish you're like us that's like the irish yeah that's like and i love england yeah yeah that's like and i love england yeah yeah that's like and i love england yeah sure i love it yeah of course i love sure i love it yeah of course i love sure i love it yeah of course i love going there of course i love my friends going there of course i love my friends going there of course i love my friends my closest friends yeah let's kill every my closest friends yeah let's kill every my closest friends yeah let's kill every one of them one of them one of them buddy buddy the thing we couldn't it bum buddy buddy the thing we couldn't it bum buddy buddy the thing we couldn't it bum me out it didn't fit our timeline me out it didn't fit our timeline me out it didn't fit our timeline you guys suck so much of like when you you guys suck so much of like when you you guys suck so much of like when you come to the uk you're like we'll go to come to the uk you're like we'll go to come to the uk you're like we'll go to manchester newcastle i'm like buddy manchester newcastle i'm like buddy manchester newcastle i'm like buddy edinburgh and glasgow yeah you have to do edinburgh and glasgow yeah you have to do edinburgh and glasgow yeah you have to do both i know because edinburgh is better both i know because edinburgh is better both i know because edinburgh is better than glasgow than glasgow than glasgow and glasgow doesn't want to admit that and glasgow doesn't want to admit that and glasgow doesn't want to admit that glasgow is a better audience glasgow is glasgow is a better audience glasgow is glasgow is a better audience glasgow is a much better why just because it's a much better why just because it's a much better why just because it's because they're not posh cunts right because they're not posh cunts right because they're not posh cunts right right glasgow know they're scum and right glasgow know they're scum and right glasgow know they're scum and that's the best kind of people dude that's the best kind of people dude that's the best kind of people dude you want to talk about the beauty of a you want to talk about the beauty of a you want to talk about the beauty of a city city city you want to talk about a real estate you want to talk about a real estate you want to talk about a real estate there my favorite law in the world there my favorite law in the world there my favorite law in the world exists in edinburgh no exists in edinburgh no exists in edinburgh no building in edinburgh is allowed to be building in edinburgh is allowed to be building in edinburgh is allowed to be built higher than the height of the built higher than the height of the built higher than the height of the castle castle castle so there's no skyscrapers yeah no i did so there's no skyscrapers yeah no i did I do notice that when I'm there. There's nothing tall. And it's because the highest point in Edinburgh is always going to be the fucking castle. So it doesn't matter where you are in the fucking city. You can see it. The castle's on the fucking hill. History. History is Edinburgh. That's great. And it's real old history. Glasgow's history is the 1700s. It's, you know, like they were the grafters. They were the iron workers. Yeah, the blue collar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The working class come from Glasgow. So Glasgow's proud and beautiful history. And that's a great crowd. Yeah. Probably the best crowd. They're the best crowd in the world. Yeah. Because they're people, people, people. Like to their core, they go deep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why the working class cities in this country, by far the best. And if you turn up there as a fucking red nugget with that accent, they're going to be like, when did we plant that seat? How did this? How did this tree flourish in another? Well, you got lucky, by the way. Because you got a little taste of the handsome bug. And it doesn't really, the handsome bug didn't really move around Scotland too much. I think that's kind of going to consider myself to be a very ugly man. Well, no, you're better looking than a lot of those guys. Scots aren't known for being international models. No. No, they're not. And I'm not saying anything bad of Scotland. I love you so much. But it's hard to find. It's a nation of munners. It's hard to find a hottie. That's all of them, though. Britain and Ireland, too. No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. Ireland's the most beautiful people in the world. No, no, no, no. Stop it now. I'm kidding. Clearly I'm kidding. They are disgusting. You can't put us on a magazine. You could punch an Irish man in the mouth and give him better teeth. But now the worst of all the Brits, let's be honest. Except the British, they're morphing. They're growing. They're learning. They're doing this trick online that I see with a lot of young British men and women. They're westernizing. They're westernizing the fuck out of. They're stealing American style, but it's doing it wrong. It looks like it was like. We invented your country. You only exist because you wanted to spite us. Right. The only reason your country exists is because you wanted to spit in the face of the Brits. And that's why we're hot. That's why we're sexy fucking people. Absolutely. Because we were like, sit on it. But never forget. Never fucking forget. You exist because we fucked you. Yeah. Yes. Well, especially us Vikings got us, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Vikings got us. The Vikings really got us good. Sloss, second name, is Norwegian for fight. Is it? Yeah. Sloss means fight. Sloss means fight, which if you've ever seen me in real life, I've never thrown a punch in my life. You've never. Wait a minute. You've never gotten into a bar fight? No one ever tried to slug you? I've been hit because I'm a cunt. There it is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been assaulted. You ran your fucking mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've rightfully been beaten up. Right. I've never won a fight. I've never thrown a punch. Getting hit in the fucking head. We talked about it one time. Glasgow kiss. You mean Glasgow kiss? The old Glasgow kiss. That's when you punch. Yeah. No, no. Glasgow kiss. Somebody squares up to you. Forehand to the nose. I'd rather you punch me. Please punch me. Do you know about the Glasgow smile? Wait, that's the knife, right? Worse. It's what the Joker's scars are based on. Glasgow drug dealers, if they cut your mouth with just a razor blade, they could sew that up, and you would have no scar. So what they did is they put two razor blades on either side of a credit card so that two razor blades had a millimeter. A parallel cut, yeah. Because if you cut someone's mouth like that, when you stitch it together, you leave a scar forever. Oh, my God. This is some prison shit. This is some fucking. This is prison rule shit. Yeah, yeah. And they cut. They grab your mouth, and they cut your face like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. It's crazy. Just get guns, you guys. My God. Just shoot each other like normal adults. No, we're more creative. Yeah, you're really. We're more creative. You really are. Well, our prison system is the most creative with weapons. You see the. I watched that show. I was watching that. It's a documentary on our most dangerous prisons. Yeah. And the way that these guys come up with creative ways to hurt each other and wield weapons out of nothing. I mean, it all starts with a toothbrush. Yeah. They get a plastic toothbrush, and they just grind it on the ground. They shave it until it comes to a sharp point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they brush in the. They're in the bathroom area. They brush, and then. Stab someone right in the face. Imagine you just getting up, brushing your teeth. With a toothbrush to the neck. With a soft end. Oh, my God. You're like, oh, my one friend in this prison. Something that'll never hurt me. Something that's going to make me happy. My buddy. My buddy Steve. Ah, Steve! Slash, slash. Yeah, you guys do get creative. But you are. I will say this. The love I have for Scotland is because your attitude. About Scotland feels like an American city. Like Chicago, Philly. You guys have this, like, pride. This, like, over. overarching pride that many other places don't have in western europe they do but you guys you guys you guys kind of are well look look a little full of yourself no i know a little no scottish person in the world thinks that scotland is the greatest country in the world no but you love it like crazy it's our fucking country yeah see what yeah a lot of other people are like that's fine i'm going to insult my country yeah if you insult my country i'll fucking kill your kid in front of your other kids and we don't mind that you come here and insult america do you know why the accent no because you got to come over here to do it yeah see that because you can't don't come over to where we are you come you'll come to my house yeah you did every single one of you fuckers just like i've got scottish heritage and i'm like do you if you have american heritage you don't have this skin buddy you all have scottish and irish heritage because the highland clearance sense uh when the scots were forced out of their fucking land and forced to move across to america to kill those dirty naive indians who were feeding the land yeah living living off the earth yeah gross living in harmony yeah what are you idiot what are you doing idiot what are you killing each other kill each other one of you has to be better than the other one so find out who's stronger than the other one scots have never heard of colonialism war war war do it kill each other you fucking losers and we introduced war yeah yeah and then and then and to be fair you became you became the best cheaters at it the best nobody's better no one's better uh vietnam arguably did an okay job oh i feel like you didn't win that one maybe that's only because we stopped name uh that's an american thing name name a war in a desert you've won we're still working on one right now oh you're working on the fourth that is the most american thing to go it's like the uh we make up our own rules when halfway through the game we're like no no we're done we're out you we didn't lose because we left you've started 10 wars in the last 50 years and you haven't finished a war since 1944 don't feel like when we don't want to because you i'm bored in the game i'm bored we gotta go home yeah well you know what i'll just take my controller then it's like don't do that dude someone wants to oh i'll leave yeah yeah yeah yeah we're selfish little brats look you look you bombed japan into anime we did thank you we made we made tokyo amazing you a country with a god emperor yeah you nuked that faith out of them you fucking really did you changed a culture well hey man and my they snuck us first this is a wild thing to remember my favorite thing about the atomic bombs you know why there was two no i don't america worked out and realized if you drop one atomic bomb then japan goes oh they only got one of those things you drop two japan goes fuck how many of these things yeah exactly that's why there was two and they copied us to 9-11 that's why they did two planes instead of just one that's why they did two they go how many planes do these guys got and i've never seen any of the jews people believe the muslims i think it was the japs i think it was the japs that did 9-11 hirahito yeah those were sneaky sorry nina raven nina raven osama bin radin osama bin radin he was at the helm he was at the helm no you know what i thank you for all the love that you've been giving me may have some yeah you want some more yeah you want weller what do you want have you ever had this have you ever had rip no oh wow this is funny this is funny because i'm i'm really this one racist about american whiskey because the japs are so much better at you than whiskey you're okay now i draw the line american bourbon shut your fucking better than jap whiskey oh yeah buddy in fact are you let me tell you why we're better are you we're so good at bourbon at bourbon yeah because you had to invent a whiskey because you're not good at whiskey so good at bourbon because you had to invent this it's american football you had to invent a new better because you're not good at any of the others because we're stronger and we love brutality you guys love soft and friendliness we love heartbreak core murder have some of this every rugby player in the world could be every american football couple of them come over here and they we them up too only a few of them have lasted by the way you say that but a couple of rugby players do come over here and play it's a different sport i'm not saying play i mean fisticuffs ah fist fighting is a whole different thing because i know small guys can up big guys yeah yeah i know tiny little men they can beat the shit out of a big guy i got little helmets because they get concussion grow up grow up dude you're crazy cte is a myth created by by by big pharma it is a bit that is a big farm we do we are trying to interject more pharmaceuticals i respect rugby i love rugby i love it american football i love american it's so fun i'm going to give you a hard time with american football because that's my job you have to yeah you came over here i like football football do you like soccer real football soccer i have i'm going to donald trump could be a venezuelan pregnant woman to death in front of me and i'm still going to scotland's first world cup since 1998. i have to boycotting the american world cup is a job for the english right in every world cup since forever let them do it this is scotland's first world cup since 1998 our opening game is against haiti and thankfully because your president won't allow any haitians into this country uh-huh that stadium is going to just going to be me and a bunch of drunk scots it's going to be our potential first world cup win since 1990 since i was born holy that's a bad scotland's football i'm not boycotting this welcome no let this let this happen i'm coming over and then you're going to go to he's going to go to the white house to see the ufc fight on the lawn right you're going to that one right after yeah wait a minute you guys haven't since 1998. 1998 was the last time we called it 1998 was the last time we qualified for a world cup we didn't win any of the matches we drew against brazil which was big brazil's huge yeah very tough yeah very last time we won a game was 1992 one against sweden that was the last time scotland before oh no yeah literally before i was born that was the last time scotland won a world cup game wow so when they were like haiti i'm like come on baby give me that donald trump name bring it on baby that is that's crazy to think about that it's been that long for you guys yeah yeah what early football and soccer actually were standardized at around the same time there was actually only a six-year difference between them when football was invented what american football was invented it says soccer association football was codified in 1863 in england angels and separating it from rugby yeah codified like it became like an app but like these games have existed for thousands and thousands of years well yes in the modern sense 1863 people were playing games like this in other forms you like that kid versus 1869 you know what you're drinking baby boy yeah not talk that talk now go ahead and talk that yeah yeah yeah yeah see oh i hate being wrong this is very good sauce this is this is our famous old rip it's 10-year and by the way this isn't even their best this isn't even their best i mean don't be wrong it is it is it is bourbon-y like i think whiskey in its original form in its scottish form yeah fuck you scotch you mean scotch it's it's drinking whiskey is the scottish experience in 10 seconds which is you go oh i hate this oh this is the worst thing in the entire world i wish you know what it's fine actually that's what being scottish is yeah that's that is the move bourbon american whiskey because you're a soft nation you need that sweetness you can't handle no because sweetness is entire nation so what would you age liquor in when your country doesn't have any age wow what a dirty little boy you're a bad little fucking boy dude you're about we age it and all american fucking other babies and we lit it trees that are 100 years old that's exactly right loser that's exactly right we take advantage of the land whiskey in barrels that we brewed whiskey in 200 years ago we're doing it now we eat your whiskey and age whiskey casks we're that will come uh let us sit no you know and by the way you're not going to be jealous you're not going to be a country in 20 years you know how we won't thank god thank god if everything goes right that rock's going to speed up and fucking kill us what do you guys know where the oldest tree on earth is up we're talking about oldest trees give it to me oldest tree on earth in california the great basin bristol cone pine named methisula is over four thousand years old and it's the oldest tree on earth methisula is over four thousand eight hundred fifty years old eat in the california white mountain eat european and the appalachians are like the oldest mountain ranges are the oldest mountain range that we know that's right that's the most american thing i've ever experienced taking credit for something you had nothing to do with it is that's what the we do that's what the we do okay let's credit the things that we did do yeah uh music yeah i mean yeah music and movies comedy music and film you create comedy film absolutely Film, comedy and music You can't touch modern art With regards to America There's just so much diverse voice You have like Bessie Smith, an old blues artist Whose parents were like slaves By the way, I went last night To make him jealous, to go see Mostef Talib Kweli and Busta Rhymes come on stage And I thought, this is America This is a country The last one is the most American And then Kanye showed up You are Without a doubt The greatest Nation in the world at holidays Oh, nobody can touch us Nobody does Halloween Like you do The first time I was in America Was before I was doing my First Conan spot It was 2012 You see this card, isn't that fun? I guess it's the only card I kept It's the one I love the most I say this With all due respect to the other ones I agree Conan's the funniest He was the best, dude He was so fucking funny By a mile Fun, too Yeah Fun, it was fun It felt fun His hot ones is the single greatest hot ones That's ever So funny There's no one in the world like Conan No I'm going out to America Before I do my first fucking Conan spot Denver Comedy Works Love One of the greatest comedy clubs Love Kind enough to like book me As a fucking headliner Before I'm anyone For this fucking weekend It's in November I get on a Wednesday I do the show on the Wednesday There's about fucking 70, 80 people in I have a good night The staff at the Denver Comedy Works They're like, hey Really fucking good What are you doing tomorrow? And I'm like The show They're like, there's no show tomorrow It's the third Thursday in November So it's Thanksgiving Yeah And I'm like, oh Obviously we don't celebrate Thanksgiving In the UK I've So they're like What are you doing tomorrow? I'm like, I'll just Fucking smoke weed in a hotel room And jerk myself off Perfect Into like dehydration Which is also our Thanksgiving And the staff at the Denver Comedy Works Were like No You are not doing Thanksgiving by yourself That's right You're coming over I do The British thing I buy a bottle of fucking fireball Before I go over Because I'm like If we're going to go over And do fucking shots It's not a family That's out there It's just But it's It's family in a way It's not a related family Right It's just the staff At the Denver Comedy Works And all their fucking friends Bring me over to their house Cook one of the greatest meals I've ever had in my life They smoke weed From the second I'm there Until the second I leave Yeah They drink in a way That I'm like I'm wrong about Americans And we sit down for this And everyone's cooking A different thing Somebody's doing Fucking sweet potato With marshmallows on Yeah I'm like You're the fattest Country on earth You fucking Yeah And then I try them And I'm like I'll shut my mouth forever Yeah Like I'm so wrong About this thing The turkey's perfect The food is perfect And with With real sincerity Something that I would The fucking Inner me Would be like Gay We're going to sit down And be thankful about something Gay Gay Gay I'm thankful For cum in my ass What do you mean We're going to be We're going to show gratitude In front of other people Yeah gross I'm Scottish Yeah I'd rather kill myself In front of my children And that's what they would be grateful for Yeah Is that I fucking Took myself out of the world They sit down And like All of their gratitude Is just like I'm grateful for this in my life I'm grateful for this I'm grateful for the people around me And I'm The most stoned I've ever been I'm the most drunk I've ever been I'm the hungriest I've ever been And like I really got to just be like I am I am Genuinely grateful That I got to have I didn't know this was what Thanksgiving was I didn't know Like When I think of Thanksgiving I think of you fucking flag waving cunts And you fucking celebrating all this dumb I didn't I didn't know this Is what it was That's what it really is I didn't But I didn't know that And like the gratitude I felt that day Was like Thank you for Don't get me wrong Every time a bit of my racism Towards America dies I hate myself Because I hate myself Because all I want to do is hate you Yeah That was a day where I was like This was another time When I was wrong about this country That's right This is like You guys do holidays Like no one else Special Valentine's Day Halloween Christmas Thanksgiving You Black History Month We made it our shortest month Let's get through that real fast boys Let's go Yeah yeah yeah yeah We are There's not that much history We're the king of the holiday You're the best And you heard it here first You heard it here first Forced? Forced You heard it forced Forced Sloss admitted on the show Nobody does holidays like America He thinks American bourbon is better than Any form of scotch whiskey Or Japanese whiskey I will fucking kill you Right now in real life That is not Yeah it's true But he did change his opinion about it Pause That's fine Let it sit Let it sit I don't like Being held accountable You're American That's the most American thing Alright so hey I want to wrap this show up Because I love you I don't want to keep you any longer I can't Because the kids are going to come soon Right? Fancy's coming Alright so listen You're one of the greatest Loving comedians Wrong but okay You are You're phenomenal I want everyone to please see you Until you decide That you're sick of it Which Because who knows when that will be And you're touring the world endlessly And you're And especially This fall You're going to be on the bus In America Do you have a name for this tour? Bitter Perfect I'm not We're not going to plug dates We'll just say Go to the website And go see it You're probably going to How many cities? A bunch It is like 40 cities or something absurd like that Yeah yeah yeah And it's like Man I don't know I got a new social media team last year Who just Do you like this or hate this? Love it Okay good Because I hate social media I'm not good at it Yeah it sucks It's the only time I feel old I got this fucking young gig Guy Who's just Has the hunger That I had in my 20s That's what you need McCone I have the young gay guy But he's not hungry It's a problem You got to get a young gay Who has hunger Yeah yeah yeah And you know what? Beds and boomer over there Yeah exactly He has pop tarts Just eat you loser Alright go to I imagine It's got to be your name Dot com Yeah yeah It's got to be DaleSauce.com It's the I cannot believe Thanks to my social It's the best my tour Has ever been selling I sold more tickets In advance of this show Than I've ever sold On any previous We'll sell him the fuck out Everyone All of our fans Please Please please please Sell him out Immediately It will be a show That you will not Regress Also watch I cannot say Watch my stuff first I am No I'm abrasive I'm obnoxious I'm disgustingly arrogant And if you don't Please watch my previous stuff I'm Jarring If you didn't get that From this whole episode You're not going to get it then Women often My favorite type of audience member Is a woman who's been In a relationship For three months And her test For her new boyfriend Is to bring to your show That's fucking awesome It's my favorite thing And I watch men Fail the test every time Because you know what I'm a I'm a Sexist feminist A sexist feminist A name of your next special Yeah I'm a sexist feminist Yeah And I'm a sexist feminist The women When I'm I've I've I've I've walked the walk I'm a I'm proudly a feminist Yeah And I know in America America's done to the word Feminism What they did to the word Socialism Which is Nobody can explain it Yeah nobody knows They just know they hate it Right Feminism as a man Is Do you love the women In your life Do you want them to be safe Yeah You're a feminist Right Ignore third wave Ignore second wave You know If you want the women In your life To have the same opportunities As you do And be verbally abused In the same way that you are Congratulations You're a feminist Yeah You are a feminist I know that sucks to say I know that sucks to hear Buddy you're a feminist You're a sexist feminist You're a sexist You can be Buddy Who do you say the N word Around more Your black friends Or your white friends Well I don't have any black friends So it's always white friends No No No No No No No No No No No My most homophobic Comments Are in front of my fucking gay friends 100% Always Always Always Always Always To this idea That like That being a feminist Means that you cannot Be really mean to women No It's It's antithetical It's like saying It's like saying you're not included But we want you to feel included Yeah You think Super oppressed people Can't take a joke Right That's sexist Yeah that's right That's the most That's the most sexist shit That's the most You think women Can't take a fucking joke Right That's sexist That's more sexist Than any joke You were ever gonna fucking tell them I mean I made an entire career Making fun of an Asian guy To his face Yeah I mean it's Been the best thing I've ever done Yeah And people are like How can you say that to him Because I'm in love with him Because he's the best Yeah well because I kiss him on the mouth What are you talking about Because he means the world to me Yeah And I love you And you mean the world to me Buddy I cannot believe That this is the first time we've met That's crazy In a different world You and I are lovers We really Truly we are Who's the top Because we've spoken so much Who's the top Me me me me me me You probably Yeah yeah yeah We've spoken so much On the internet My dick would ruin you Yeah I would, responsibility-wise, I'd have to be the one. Brother, brother, brother, brother. I'm going to give you some good push and push, all right? I'm going to give you some good push and push. It's not going to be the girth that hurts, the push and push. It's going to be the repetitiveness that hurts. It's not the size. It's that I keep on moving. Go to danielsauce.com. Go see him live. He is a brilliant, wonderful man. We end the show the same way. Look into that camera right there. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Some people want to impart a phrase of wisdom. Some people just want to throw away one singular word. But either way, you will end up in the Smithsonian when this is all said and done. So make sure that it counts. One phrase or one word to end the episode when you're ready. America. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. You owe me $5. Gingers are hell no. Ginger. I like gingers. Shop liquidiv.com. That's P-O-D-2-6. 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