Daniel Sloss

- My guest today is British, which I know we have to do a couple times a year, legally, 'cause this whole podcast is Jimmy Carr's idea, literally. - Why, 'cause you could make money from it? - Jimmy, he's an avid listener. - He fucking- - And he loves money. - How rich are you? - How rich am I? Well, let me put it in terms you'll understand, sir. I've got a hundred money. - I love Jimmy Carr. - We all do. - But Jimmy loves money like I love my kids. - He sure does, which you're exaggerating how much you love your kids. He's a fucking killer. He tours everywhere all the time. He's doing the O2 or the Wembley. - Yeah. - One of 'em. - One of 'em. - One of the worst-looking arenas you've ever seen. - Yes. - Truly looks like it's under construction. Some European arenas have literally spires sticking out of them. For no one knows why. - I think it's to keep the ceiling up. - Well, there's probably better ways. - The will of God. - Or, I don't know, can, like, Gerd? It's Daniel Sloss. - Please clap. - He's got a lot of great specials. Few on HBO and two on Netflix. One of them, which is called "Jigsaw," which we'll talk about. And he's got real blocks, which I'm very excited about. The number one special I wanna talk about, it's not your turn yet, is "Jigsaw." Which, just explain the premise quickly. - I was in a toxic relationship with a horrible person who's, unfortunately, still with us. And getting out of that relationship was such a relief for me. But my entire life, I was sort of told that relationships are about compromise, and you change, and it's better to be in a relationship than it is to be alone. And I found the opposite to be true. So it was essentially a love letter to single people, and then it turned into-- into, like, the ring for toxic relationships. When people started watching the show on tour, I would get lots of messages afterwards that they'd just dumped their partner. And then when it was released on Netflix, I was getting lots of messages about-- - And according to your website, it's up to 250,000-- - 350,000, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I've-- - 350,000 breakups that they contacted you, right? - I have autographed over 150 divorce papers. Like, people will bring divorce papers to my show. - That's very funny. - And there's divorce papers that, like, sometimes I am cited in as one of the causes of divorce. - And he's only cheated three times. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not with my current wife. - Yeah. And I feel bad for the number two through 150 people who brought divorce papers thinking this is the greatest bit of all time, and you're like, "Yeah, we've done this before." - One of the weird ones, I was in Leeds, and I'd done a show, and afterwards, there's this, I'm gonna say, like, a 19-year-old girl, tapped on my car window just as I was pulling away, and she had divorce papers for me to sign. And I was like, you know, the number one thing I ask is, like, "Are you better for it?" And the answer is always yes. I'm like, "Is this a happy divorce paper?" She's like, "It's very, very happy." And I'm like, "Excuse me for asking, but you seem, like, a bit young. Did you, like, get married at 16?" And she was like, "No, this is my parents' divorce papers." Me and my brother made them watch the special last year over Christmas because we felt that they were staying together for us, and it was just making it more of a toxic relationship and a situation. So we made them watch the special on Boxing Day, and by New Year, they had filed for divorce. And then her dad, like, came out from, like, "Dad, come on out." - Yeah, yeah. - And I asked, I was like, "Are you better for it?" He was like, "Best decision I've made in my life." - Okay, and-- - In front of his daughter is wild. - Say again? - In front of his daughter is wild. - I mean, it's not like, the kids always know. It's not like they're like-- - You're not giving them any fucking papers. Like, your kids know if you're not-- - My parents stayed together. They should not have. - Yeah. Are they still together? - No, they got divorced. Well, eventually they got divorced, like, two years after I moved out. - Great. - They wanted to just make sure-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That I had a horrible base-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - From which to build relationships. - So once you have your own toxic support network, now we're happy to take away a second toxic support network. - But now you're married, or you have a child. - Yes. - You have two children. - So how did that happen? - My wife is my ex-girlfriend's younger sister. Any questions? - Not, "Is it the one from the--" - No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't get food poisoning at a restaurant, and then go back to the same restaurant two weeks later, being like, "I heard you do veal." - Did you, how did that happen? - So I dated my ex-girlfriend when we were 21 years old, for about three months. We liked each other. Probably the healthiest breakup I've ever had in my entire life. People who liked each other, but really realized that we weren't going to fall in love. - Yeah. - So when we broke up, which by the way, you know within 20 minutes. - Yeah, yeah. Well, you know after you come. - You believe that you come and you go, "Do I wanna stay here?" And if you do, you love them? - I think that's a big part. Being able to, look, wanting to fuck someone is such an easy feeling to feel. - Yeah. - Wanting to be with someone when you're at, like you're most vulnerable and you're most pathetic, when, you know, you're-- - Yeah. - Cock is limp and it's covered in your own cum. - Mm-hmm. - To want to be with that person is a very special feeling. And I-- - Incredibly romantic. I mean, in its way, it actually is. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, my wife has seen me at my worst and at my best and somehow loved me equally during both. - How do you make the transition? I would assume she had to suggest the sister had to go, like, "You should date my sister." - No, no, I, so my wife, five years after me and my ex break up, we're still in contact occasionally, just checking in on each other 'cause we're good friends and because she's a nice, kind human being. - Yep. - And we care about each other. And then I'm doing a show during the Edmund Finch Festival and for the first time in my career, there's a smoke show in the front row. My fans are lovely people, very ugly. And for the first time, there's like a genuinely hot 10 out of 10 woman in the front row. And I recognize her as my ex's younger sister. And I bring it up and she acknowledges that, you know, that she is the reason she's in the front row is because her friends bought tickets and they were late. So it was the only seats fucking left. After the show, I'm like, "Come say hi, be good too." And I fancied her fucking straight away. Like, I- - Did you meet her when you were with her sister? - Yes, but she was, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, she was- - 14. - No, yeah, yeah, she- - That's a tough one. - She's two years younger than my ex. - Okay. - So I'm not, I'm not a monster. I date my ex when we were 21, so she was 19. - Okay. - And she was in a relationship with a guy. So it was never, look, she's always been very beautiful, but I never paid attention to her in that sort of way. And then like five years later, I wanna say she had a, I will say she had a glow up. She'll hate this, but she acknowledges it. My wife is working class. She's from the north of Scotland. And do you know what a Ned or a Chav is? - No, but I can figure it out. - It's, yeah, it's working class scum. - Yeah. - Yeah, she was a piece of shit. My wife was underage drinking at the age of fucking 13. She was a fucking riot, which is why she's fun. - Yeah. - 'Cause she's a real person. I made sure that I got with somebody that was not related to this job at all. So she has this, you know, this glow up and we hang out for a bit and she's just so easy. My father-in-law often points out, his, both of his daughters are very different people, right? My ex-girlfriend is very different. Very ADHD, things have to be done in a certain way, driven. Like if things aren't right, they're wrong, hates it. Kara is the most laid back person that has ever, she is unburdened by an inner monologue. When I talk to her about my therapy and about how much I fucking hate myself and how vicious my inner monologue is and like all of these doubts and things all the time. When I try to relate to my wife, it's the one thing. She has empathy for it. She can't relate. Quiet brain. Like when she's not thinking about something, there's nothing going on. Yeah. And I didn't know people like that existed. Yeah. Is it the one where she has no inner monologue? 'Cause there is that. No, she does. But it's just like, not negative. No, it's an inner monologue that goes, that's a nice tree. Yeah. Oh, look, there's a dog. Yeah. Oh, I'm hungry. Yeah. It's period. Yeah. Pause. Yeah. And then if there's nothing to say, her brain, maybe it's changed now that I think, now that she's a mother, she gets-- Sure. --parental anxiety. Yeah. But her inner monologue is never telling her that she's not good enough. A piece of shit. Nah. And why'd she bomb last night? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, it's clear. And I try to relate to her. One of my, you know, breakthrough therapy sessions where I came back and I sort of worked out that I had anxiety and a sort of deep self-loathing. And I sort of said it to her. I'll never forget. She just said, that sounds really hard. I guess I just have a quiet brain. And I was just so envious. Yeah. Just to be like, what do you mean? Yeah. So when you get into bed and you lie down, it's just straight to sleep for you. Yeah. There's no murder fantasies. There's no self-loathing. Yeah. There's no you doing your own personal fucking genocide in your head. Uh-huh. It's just clear. She's like, yeah. Sometimes I worry if I've not put the washing on. And I'm like, what a life. Whoa. What a life. And so-- how do you so you meet her at edinburgh and then how do you so then you like i aggressively pursue her because and i and i will admit this at the time i'm like wouldn't it be fucking funny wouldn't it be a great story to buy my ex's younger sister wouldn't that make me the coolest greatest funniest man in the entire hall of fame yeah absolutely also like after we banged we were rightfully reprimanded by her best friends my best friends being like you're both pieces of shit yeah you're both clearly doing this for attention this is disgusting and you're you both should be better than this which obviously and you're on an instagram live like what yeah what are you warning that's not us it's not us i don't think you see me um and then because we knew there was no future to our relationship because we knew there was no way that we would ever let it all hang out and be honest and it was the single greatest and purest relationship of i mean you during this time during this year where we're keeping it fucking secret we're banging other people because we're just the fuck buddies we're just like hey we just be two people who have said and you don't tell the sister she finds out okay how'd that go not well uh but she you know she found out and she arrived at some very incorrect conclusions conclusions that she now will admit that she was wrong about that she overreacted to that it was intentional that kind of thing you're doing it to hurt me yes yeah yeah yeah and then also like she was in a she was in a relationship herself and because like because we ended up in such a healthy way like she really uh sort of took it more out on my wife than i think since i was the one that pursued it more yeah and you are irresistible what can i say so like at the start there was a reaction to it which made us sort of hide it in secret and then during that secret sort of year where we were very honest with each other and fell in love by the time that we were then fucking public about it and we and you know we're married enough kids we proved that it wasn't a phase it proved it wasn't this my ex-girlfriend is a wonderful sister-in-law she is the greatest aunt to both of our children uh you know there's people are always expecting lots of drama and betterness and i guess that comes from people who aren't really good at communication um i think it's also not that big a deal it's like it is like it is on paper but then you just go i don't why not it's since since we broke up she was in a relationship for five years she was in another relationship uh for two years uh and but look she's a very healthy educated woman and she's happy for her sister yeah and also not like it's also we would not me and her didn't work yeah busy brain and busy brain is not a yin and yang yeah there's no we didn't compliment each other we didn't compliment each other we didn't compliment each other verbally obviously we did but in terms of our personalities we got on but it would have been you know it would have been friction forever whereas you know now there's no friction with a smooth-brained woman yeah um what a compliment but you are kind of smooth brain yeah um well okay let's do let's talk about your block so the first one i mean you've already mentioned it but you hate and i didn't know i hated myself how did you not what did you think you thought i was successful so young yeah right how young so started 17 didn't have my first bomb until like 50 fucking gigs in like i was good straight away and because the audience doubted my ability that gave when i was good it gave all this extra stuff i was hyped i did my first bit of television when i was like 18 then i did 19 then and jimmy carl got me an eight and ten cats when i was fucking 20 you know i was the next big thing for 15 fucking years uh my shows were received well i was touring the world i very quickly realized that you know i didn't want a relationship because i just wanted to fuck as many people as i physically could and my entire self-worth was always from the approval of strangers and i had that in abundance so i never ever ever ever ever had to love myself right because i was only every day i would go out and thousands of people would love me so why would i ever need to love myself when the public loves me when there's this every fucking day so and i you know i toured relentlessly for the you know for the first until i was about until covid i was touring nine to ten months of every year i was writing a new show every year because that's the british standard i was doing was seemingly and somehow better than the last and it was all going on i didn't believe in anxiety i thought it was like just a you know i thought it was like uh just a thing that sort of people made up for attention the same with dyslexia and then it's it's not real um it's dyslexia and being bi just try harder um then then there's a show called x where i was talking about rape and sexual assault about what rape and sexual assault great uh one of my friends was raped by one of my other friends uh and it was a sort of a show about like me sort of coming to terms with the fact that like i had this friend in my life for like seven years who was this predator and like not it wasn't even as if there were no signs there were signs but signs that i had sort of chose to ignore over the years and my own culpability during that and when you talk about rape on stage it affects 50 of women it affects 25 of men when you talk about it on stage you can instantly see instantly and anyone in the audience who's been affected by it yeah by the change in their body language yeah and when you bring that up to people who were coming in to see a comedy show sometimes they're sat beside their parents their partner their siblings their friends who don't know and the way and it was like i would see it every night and i would talk to survivors would you think like did you when you started to do the show were you like this will be interesting or was it no it was like i'm just like oh that's what i want to talk about it was no no it was a show that me my friend i was like look i want to i want to warn men like i i was blindsided in a way but warn men about their fact that their friends maybe yeah i didn't want other men to be blindsided the way i was and i wanted so i wanted to do a show that was for men to get men on site and sort of be like look i'm on bloke i'm a lad like i'm fucking one of the boys and i'm i i enjoy toxic masculinity i thrive in it sometimes you can be that and also be a feminist ignore third wave second wave all this other shit don't don't listen to the way americans have ruined the word feminism the same way they ruined the word socialism right they just they gaslit the world into thinking it meant something else feminism we i think we've ruined gaslight as well yeah yeah yeah yeah feminism is just do you want the women in your life basic human rights yeah basic human rights that's it ignore any of the other shit do you want the women in your life to be equal and safe then congratulations you're a feminist yeah right you are and i what i wanted to do was sort of make that understand which i stay sexist misogynistic stuff was that the time i say you've said bang women like five times already it's you yeah like you can you can be both yeah this idea this idea that the left goes oh no yeah if you it's but you're right no no no you absolutely so i want to do a show for that but i also want to do a show that was for survivors like i want to do a show where i'm talking about rape and sexual assault and i want to do a show that like people who have gone through that felt not attacked and felt empowered and felt like i was rep that i was doing rape jokes that survivors would laugh at yeah that's that's what i wanted to be i didn't want it and thanks to the help of uh my friend thanks to lots of survivors who spoke to me after the show and you know corrected me along the way and gave me really good and honest feedback and you know we sort of got to uh that point um i hated the show because like i had to do it in such a specific way like there was there was one route through the minefield and i knew how to get there so i stopped being a comedian i was a performer i was an actor i was doing the same show every night there was no genuineness and so through a lot of that to like keep myself i guess like entertaining on my toes i would drink three quarters of a bottle of whiskey on stage at night i would smoke weed while i was announcing myself onto stage just because like it was the only way for me to feel was to be so scared of how up i was that i was like oh if i get this wrong and people notice how up i am then there'll be consequences and like i have to be super um present and then also you know reliving my own failures every night within the show and with you know like the narrative of the show is you're failing yeah um and so by the end of that tour all i want all i want is like a year you're off. All I want is to stop being Daniel Schloss I just want to be Daniel I just want to live my house and I just want to be fucking Daniel because I've not been Daniel since I was you know 16 and then COVID happened and I was like oh not like that yeah that is that is what I had this is such a month you want to like 500,000 people but not like millions oh yeah um and I you know I didn't handle going from being the center of attention to being the center of my own attention very well uh my uh weed smoking went through the fucking roof because there was nothing else to do do you like the way weed makes you feel I convinced myself I did and how would it make you feel it would slow my brain down got it like it was I got a very busy brain and I I love weed and I don't ever want to encourage anyone else from not fucking smoking it I personally have a problem with it and that's that I can't stop smoking it uh so I just I can't have it you can't have it in the house and no no because if I have it in the house I'll hide it in seven different rooms so I have constant access to it and the greatest the greatest thrill of being an addict is getting away with it when you when you're high everywhere and nobody notices all right do you have a problem yeah do you have a problem if nobody knows if nobody knows and it probably plays into like a superiority complex like you're so fucking smart like sociologically you're on some next level shit like yeah like you're high and all of these things and these people are sober and like you're still smarter than oh buddy oh fuck I can only imagine yeah so I started going to uh therapy to just sort of because I had a lot of bitterness after that like tour towards my manager because like you know it's all my responsibility but like that tour should have ended eight months in it should not have been extended to how long did it last 18 months and 300 shows 48 countries um and like there was part of the tour where I did a show in London I got a taxi to an airport uh to get a flight to Tokyo to do one show to get an overnight flight to Singapore to do one show to get an overnight flight to Hong Kong to do one show to get an overnight flight to Sydney to do 14 shows in seven days to then fly to Iceland and like I had a lot of resentment towards her because look I said yes to all those gigs but I'm like your job as my manager is to look at that schedule and go this will kill him and it was killing me you know she saw the writer but you liked I mean I I don't I generally don't buy like you did this to me no no so you wanted it you love performing you love being on top if I stopped who am I to tell another adult yeah also if I the the great fear that we have in this industry and the great fear that all of our agents and Netflix and Hollywood will all capitalize on is the insecurity of strike while the iron's hot if you stop this is over and that is not true yeah that's never true if you're young and you're new and you're fresh sure if you stop you might lose that momentum there is absolutely a point in your career where you can stop for a little bit and you can take a huge breath but anyone who's making money off you is not going to tell you that information yeah they're not going to allow you to take that break they need you to think that if you stop this is all over and it's you know it's still an insecurity that I've have and fear because our careers are ups and downs and Peaks and troughs momentum comes and it goes yeah and there's times in your low moments where you remember your high moments where you're like oh my God maybe I'll never get that back you will when you start working again yeah and when you are actually able to apply yourself in a healthy way to do the job that you love the best job in the world yeah and also like part of the bitterness and anger I felt so I felt so cliche all of my dreams have come to Netflix specials changed my career overnight I'm touring the world I'm playing Russia I'm playing India I'm doing I'm doing everywhere 3000 seats everywhere I go in the world all of my dreams have come true and I'm miserable every night and I go what are you miserable or you're drunk are you miserable because you're doing a script that you don't you're just because the type of show you're doing what's where's the misery coming from my I don't have any moment to be myself there's no did you want to be yourself I didn't know who I was so but but so I I didn't know like right but I don't I'm I'm still I still think this is all your fault yeah of course it is okay yeah this is this is buddy yeah absolutely okay all of this falls yeah yeah this fear of loss of momentum this loving the stage version of myself so much taking the reverie from the audience and applying that to my own ego and my own narcissism having that constant validation man I you know dude I hate I thought I genuinely in my 20s I thought I was one of the greatest stand-ups to ever live that was like really in my head yeah and it meant so much to me and I believed it and nothing anyone else could have said would have convinced me otherwise and then due and because it was being validated most nights yeah because because I'm in an echo chamber yeah I mean an echo chamber but unfortunately encapsulates the world yeah go to a new territory I found all the lefty liberals there they come to a room yeah they tell me I'm the best and it doesn't fulfill me a doesn't you know the joy lasts until like 45 minutes after the show the second you walk off stage and then during I mean there's no worse downtime time than travel it's just going to you know you know standing ovation 5 000 people I'm in the same queue as all the other cunts have to take their belt off at the airport yeah and I'm hung over uh you flew private you wouldn't have that problem you're really good yeah if I actually was one of the best in the world yeah yeah then I guess it would never stop yeah and I I I never I never realized that it was that I hated myself I just thought it was that you know I don't know I don't know what I thought it was but I just thought it was the the I think you can I don't the problem with being a comedian is you you do get a lot of most of your material generation is from a distorted inner monologue yes yeah so it's a bit of a quandary because you're like I know this is broken but it does spit it is a bit of a golden goose where you're like it is spitting out quality material yeah um so do I hate myself do we all I don't know how much are we uh an exaggerated version of what most human beings are like or are we like a broken distorted human beings and I think masquerade as normal and well I don't know I guess tell me one thing you like about yourself um funny smart decent you believe all those yeah jealous you don't believe any of it no I believe people think I'm smart I believe people think I'm funny and I believe people think I'm decent I mean and it's because because of the show I'm able to put on and not okay what have you done nine hours so far uh 13 13. okay so there's probably a good hour in there somewhere just if we pan that thing out yeah yeah like even you can't argue with it that's what happens is you just at a certain point you just go I'm I I told somebody it's like the voice in my head lost credibility yeah where it's like you're lying you're lying like at a certain point you I can't catastrophize I can't argue with like what's actually happened I just keep looking at the same thing that says unlicensed therapy and it's really uh no I mean it no but it is like what it's it's not true it's just wrong it's like literally like a shitty podcast we're like Daniel sloss barely sold it out why did it it didn't sell out till three days before but so-and-so but this is all Russell Howard huh uh but this is the voice that gave me everything though I agree so why would I know distort you take the parts that what I realize I've I do so much less ruminating than I used to how well I mean honestly through drugs but through like a DMT MDMA but I've done DMT I'm scared of all the other ones you don't need to be if you've done DMT that's you've done they wouldn't let me in that's a longer conversation um uh they're on DMT there are entities in that wait in the lobby and they either let you in or not I haven't even gotten there I've done bufo which is jumps that whole area these notes uh bufo uh it's like the super duper okay um but what I realized like and so now I don't ruminate that much and I'm like what did I used to do with my time I wasted decades ruminating yeah and you get bits from it but like the amount of you want to talk about signal to noise the amount of noise and then you get like a bit so anyhow hopefully i mean whatever i wish it for you because it's it's significantly better guys you know i wear clothes every day don't you am i a clothes horse i don't know if i'm a clothes horse but i like i like to look i have like a look that i'm cult of not i somebody said i dress like a cartoon character because i wear more or less the same thing every day it's a good diss but i like i like a button shirt for the most part i like a t-shirt with a button shirt and i like uh simple pants or shorts i also like to make sure things aren't going to fall out of my pockets that's a whole other issue and you know who's got my back on all this stuff bonobos yeah you wear linen this summer i i have one a little linen and uh it's a nice linen linen's real nice linen makes you feel like you own a chain a nice chain of restaurants in miami like you're really doing something like you're always in slow motion a little bit when you're wearing linen in summer nice a nice warm like a sunset magic hour nice breeze off off the bay or something linen is light breathable keeps you cool instead of making you feel like you're trapped in your clothes and that's where bonobos is big bonobos loves the linen these guys have mastered it guys here's the thing about bonobos it's one of those brands they it's just not stupid you know where you go where you put on clothes and you're like what what's the idea of this what are you trying to do because it's not stupid it's not stupid it's not stupid it's not stupid it's not because it you'd want to talk about a thing that doesn't need reinvention clothes and by the way they're not reinvent only the dummies are reinventing it going like we put a zipper on the shoulder don't bonobos it's simple it's they got good fabrics they got good linens for summer they got a nice cotton their shorts fit right well show them what i did to them last couple weeks ago that's like i'm you're going you're looking at my crotch or as a friend of my father calls it the croff area and yet still you feel good looking at it don't you put on bonobos feel good and get on with your day right now head to bonobos.com slash neil that's b-o-n-o-b-o-s.com slash n-e-a-l and use code n-e-a-l for 25 off your order 25 once again that's b-o-n-o-b-o-s.com backslash neil for 25 off and make sure you use my promo code n-e-a-l so they know who sent you i need the credit desperate bonobos.com i was a regular app orderer i think a lot of us are you just it's just easier they know your restaurants you go by previous order but it's these apps i don't there's a million people doing bits about the final what the finals tally is on the app but at that point you're still doing bits about the final what the final's tally is on the app but at that point you're still doing bits about the final what the final's tally is on the app but at that point you're so close that when they go it's gonna be this much and then you click a button and then it's like actually did we say that no did we say 37 we meant 52 you're like what happened so it's it's uh it's too expensive and then you got to deal with the guy and thing and whatever and the moped and you're watching the just do yourself a favor try cook unity cook unity uh if you don't know what it is it's a chef-led meal delivery service that makes your meals and you can make it makes your meals in small batches inside local micro kitchens across the U.S. not factory so every dish arrives with the kind of freshness you get at the restaurant itself so basically you're ordering from dozens of different chefs different types of food different types of cuisine it all comes in one thing and it's fresh it's not frozen and then you have your food for the week it's basically like they do the meal prep for you I would do the the the the chickpea curry I did a burrito tofu burrito I did a burger I did maybe a pop bar deli anyone remember what I was getting pop bar deli maybe with a mushroom all delicious sauce on the side put the sauce on top put it in the microwave for two minutes it's in a paper container so you're not getting microplastic it's just good dude taste what happens when real award-winning chefs make fresh small batch meals just for you go to cookunity.com NEAL or enter code NEAL before checkout to get 50 off your first order that's 50 off your first order by using code NEAL or go to cook unity.com c-o-o-k-u-n-i-t-y.com NEAL 50 off dude grow up so you realize you hated yourself yes and then what do you do with it you're not you're that's where we are yeah yeah you know I told my wife how long it was did you come home from therapy and be like sweetie I can't believe it January of this year so I knew that like I knew I didn't like anxiety and I knew that I through my wife how did you get anxiety from from looking at the on the faces of sexually sexual no I I sometimes wonder if I if I always had it but just like it was a driver like when I was anxious the way to own that anxiety was to go on stage yeah be good and to be bigger and to be to cover up and I wonder if like so much of my early confidence was like just a mask yeah the anxiety which is a trick people use for anxiety is like I mean but like they're my my girls therapist like she's like if you can turn anxiety into you can tell yourself as excitement yes yeah yeah 100 so that's what I think I did and then I sort of realized that like obviously my brain is much busier than other people I know it's much crueler than other people I know and then yeah I mean it was in therapy in January I said I think for the not for the first time out loud but I like I often when I walk past a mirror will just look at myself I'll say out loud but I hadn't admitted that out loud to anyone until therapy in about January what's your argument against yourself what do you mean what what when you go I hate myself because well no no there's no because of everything give me some any good decision I make is calculated it's not my instinct the reason I do good things isn't because that's what I want to do it's because I am able to work out what the right thing to do is I don't think I'm a morally good human being I feel like I'm a AI that's worked out how to be good but the therapy is like what would the people who love you say about you they would say that I'm generous uh I'm generous because I have immense uh wealth guilt um I am generous because it's a great way of buying friendship it's a great way of like you know I I'm character washing yes yes oh yeah yeah yoink I mean I'm a great guy yeah um you know the reason I have a career is because I was young and attractive and I got spots before other people deserved in my confidence sort of head the lack of talent I was no no I wouldn't say I'm talented so I'll give it I'll give myself that but yeah just a straight white man they've got everything I just don't want a plate and it's still unhappy with it all the straight white man I don't buy oh I am there's a I don't know what I'm saying like there's a lot of straight white men you live in England Scotland Scotland uh uh I didn't realize it was Scott the the next time I'm hitting you I know this is one of his blocks um the uh the uh you can work out what morality is yes that's why there's the Bible and the Quran because we can't do it that's why there's the Torah that's why the human beings are not our default is not morality so this idea that you're especially immoral throw it away I just I throw it away it's it's you're not right you're not right there's lots of people who have money that aren't generous so like again having uh abs the absolute correct moral impulse in every in every instance is preferable but no one's ever been able to do it which is why we still talk about Jesus I was about to say and have you heard and God no I know but that was all that was a while ago yeah yeah yeah and we're still talking about like that's how extraordinary Gandhi whatever and then if you dig into these people they weren't even they weren't I can I can argue these as I'm sure you can and I I don't think you're wrong target with a therapist surely this is surely this is good being with a therapist or is it today one yeah uh no I think about moral I think about morality more than most people yeah yeah yeah more than I think she does yeah I I'm upset I mean a friend of mine one time said he's never met someone more obsessed with Justice than me yeah yeah like I'm just built that way so what I'm saying is like you're these charges are not I think the only charge that I think is worth like changing is like you don't enjoy your life I love my life oh okay you're you don't appreciate the the abundance of it I do now now that now that I'm married with kids and now that like now that like stand-up used to be the most important thing in the entire world to me it was how I defined myself it's how I got all my self-worth now taking like time off to like be at home and get my self-worth from my children and my wife and stand-up is now this fun extra thing that I get to do that provides this amazing life for much I mean that I don't have depression like I hate myself but it's not I don't hate myself to the point where I want to kill myself yeah like yeah I don't I don't think a lack of me in the world make the world a better place like that I don't have when I when I hate myself it's not like oh you should remove yourself yeah if I were to die it would devastate many many people uh they are better for having me in their lives like I can I can see that part of it my hating myself is just I mean it's a fuel in a way like I guess it's like a drive it's a it's like a affect yeah yeah and it's and it's a way to try and be better I guess is to like you know hating yourself very profoundly makes you really put your next footstep in front of the other to just sort of keep going um but in terms of my life no I mean my life is great and I yeah and it does take it does take me reminding myself and it does make me you know having to write it down and like practicing gratitude which you know I know it's the thing it's the single gayest thing in the world absolutely it's gayer than it's gayer than the house significantly so much so so it's but cock up the ass isn't gay until you start journaling it's just it's fine like it's not it's heterosexual but if you journal about it yeah it's like I'm grateful for the g-spot and tyrone um yeah that that yeah I I I love my life I hate myself I love the life that I'm living I love what I get I'm sure you've explored with your therapist the idea of what is it it's the the thing about I hate myself your favorite part of that sentence is self yes yeah and I yeah yeah I sell the only word I know like is hate yeah yeah uh my stuff yeah exactly uh yeah um all right well here's one uh I'm a drug addict yes which one wheat wheat okay so that's and when was the last time you smoked it uh February how what what happened I went to therapy in January because I knew I mean I've known I was addicted since I was about uh 29 I would go through phases where I would stomp for a bit uh just to count down the days to prove to myself that it wasn't a problem I know that by the way if you're counting the days that you're not doing something that's I think the clearest sign that you're an addict yeah yeah uh anyone is like I haven't had a drink in 34 days you're like I don't know when the last time I had a drink yeah yeah yeah yeah because it's not something that affects I did a hundred days off of it I counted that it was like a advent calendar counting down the days to prove that I was in control and that I would my behavior was cyclical I would on a Sunday night a random Sunday night I would go right my weed smoking sky at hand I'm gonna go outside I'm gonna have my last talk I'm gonna throw all my weeds into like the river or the neighbor's car yeah it's like a gesture a big yeah I would tell my housemate I'd be like hey I'm off weed so don't like give me any like make sure it's heading for me and then when he was at the house I would look through his drawers you know I would go through his room until I found the weeds I would then buy weed from a different fucking dealer I would hide it around the house uh and then it would go from like only after 7 p.m only after 3 p.m only after 11 and then it was every day eventually my wife would sort of notice but because again high functioning stoner you know when I was high I would feel so guilty about being high I was like well don't be fucking lazy go and do things I would I would write I would clean I would be like super present as a father I would make fuck because if I could there were no consequences then it wasn't a problem long if I was high all the time as long as I was doing it if I was going to the gym if I was eating fucking healthy then it was not ah is okay let's say you are doing you are highly productive right yeah what is the problem health what it does to my health what it does to my anxiety it's a short-term okay for a long-term problem like uh the I I used to convince myself that weed reduced my anxiety which I know for a lot of people it does and that's what I thought it was doing to me it didn't reduce my anxiety it made my anxiety way worse it made me talk about my anxiety less it made me sort of push it fuck it I would just sit there in my head and spiral and then when everyone speaks to me that would always be a distraction from it I would never tell them truly what was going on in my head yeah it wasn't a cure for my anxiety it was a cure for my boredom you know and boredom is a real privilege and I think sometimes I was just very bad at being bored because when I was bored I would be in my own hands and I sort of didn't realize how much I hated myself so I didn't like being in my head so weed was a great place to sort of in theory uh take me out of that and like I love weed so much I would love to have a healthy relationship with it in like 10 15 years time if you were to give me weed right now there is nothing anyone in the world could do to stop me if only weed had a sister but I I was never cocaine I could give up easily yeah it was never I've cocaine's grain but like I could not do cocaine for I've never done cocaine for it fucking ages yeah in my 20s I was doing it a bit but I would stop I wouldn't need it I'm like how the fuck am I addicted well the non-addicted one to me it's not even a problem other than the anxiety meaning I like I used to take zoloft like and I stopped whatever I can just you know I didn't feel I was addicted to it but it was helping me I was addicted to it but it was helping me I didn't feel I was addicted to it but it was helping me oh was it we wasn't helping no yeah if it's not helping you that's the problem yeah I convinced myself for so long that it was helping me it was not helping me yeah but a big part of like hating myself was hating how much of a it's not good at least for me being a stone dad I completely agree my but then I there's a part of me that thinks explain to me explain to people the difference between being a stone dad and a regular dad because you've done both yeah being uh for me again there's yep people with real valid reasons to smoke weed I do not want to take it away from anyone apparently I mean a lot of the studies coming out it's not good for anyone okay like in the last month or two it's been like this we thought it was all good it's really not yeah no it's not um I there was one you know I'd wake up in the morning I made my kids breakfast and like part being a functional stoner is getting away with it at one point my son was like why are you always quiet in the morning and I was like oh he's noticed like he because when I'm not high I'm talking I'm distracting myself I'm doing and also I'm angry because it's the morning and I'm tired it's 608 and if I'm not high I'm annoyed that my son woke me up an hour ago and I'm making these things so sometimes I'm like I'm a bit nippy with him or like I get angry and then I'll apologize for being nippy and we have these conversations and I explain my emotions to him and I'm like I'm sorry I'm not angry at you I'm angry that I'm awake and I've got my coffee and I shouldn't even need my coffee blah blah blah and it's not your fault I'm tired I shouldn't have played Ark Raiders until 1am last night I knew you were going to wake up this time but I made a dumb decision I tell my son all these things no one am I I it's all in there and he would just go why are you quiet and that really really broke my heart which is like oh my god I'm not as good at communicating with him as I thought I was communication is a huge thing for me and the loved ones in my life it's the way that I get rid of a lot of my anxiety it's the way I sort of explain myself it's the way I feel better about myself it's just sort of like right this cruel inner monologue thing I'm going to say it out loud and explain to people how I'm perceiving the world so that they can correct me within it and I wasn't doing it and like in the first four days of going back in the cycle of getting back on weed is the best because that's when the guilt is there so it's like I'm high so I'm going to focus on it I'm going to be super fun to play with it's my phone's in another fucking room I'm not distracted I'm fully 100 lucky this is better than me not than being sober yeah I'm a heightened version of myself day four I need yeah more hits more regularly and it's not killing my boredom anymore so my phone is so I'm on my phone stoned or my kids in the fucking room and then he's you know trying to engage with me and I'm getting nippy again all the stuff that I was smoking weed to get rid of is still there yeah it's still there all the time I just delayed the fucking response of it I me personally like the biggest lie I convinced myself during my 20s and 30s was I was a better person when I was high I'm a much better person when I'm not I'm a better dad I'm a better husband I like myself more when I'm not high because I don't it's not an extra fucking whip to flog myself with it's not another reason to fucking hate myself and am I angrier and grumpier and do I experience a wider range of emotions? absolutely unfortunately and it makes me more human yeah and like because when I have those big emotions I'm able to reconcile them afterwards I'm like fucking hell that was a big one where did that come from yeah you know I analyze it as opposed to numbing it um and again if you smoke weed live my life but do it I love it I want everyone to fucking have the best time on it I just the difference between you and me is everyone else can stop yeah I can't he's your new tour is called bitter yes and successful you are good looking enough enough to call yourself bitter and people think it's cute i can't call myself i call myself bitter and they're like no kidding um um uh what uh people tell you you look like macaulay culkin right yeah and i used to have a bowl cut until i was 12 years old oh incredible so yeah yeah um real butt uh bitter and successful yes is is this worst combination i almost don't even want to talk about it yeah because it's it's so no we can talk about but i'm saying it's so unappealing yeah when did you realize like i have to stop doing i have to stop complaining when you're forced to do gratitude i really take things into account there's a real big and another great way to hit self-loathe which is just go how fucking dare you like you know when i was 17 years old when did you start standing up oh like way later like yeah when i was 16 17 the dream the dream of all dreams was to make a living out of doing this yeah and i've been doing that since then how dare i not be happy yeah i also think like the way this industry is sort of aligned and this is something i still suffer from and i want to get fucking better at it it convinces us that we're in competition with our peers when we are not like other comedians doing well is only good for the art form and even as i say these words out i don't believe them i'm still angry at other people doing better oh you oh you're okay like i can't not compare myself to well okay i i'm sure you've had this analogy but it's like golf right yes you're playing the course but that's true but somebody wins the tournament yeah yeah and then obviously does being competitive help you is it a drive that that helps you generate more material and then i'm like all right i can't really argue with it yeah but i just know so many so many successful people that are like comparing themselves and you're just like this is so stupid yeah yeah but are you are you able to not do it like do you still get jealous i've never been jealous i can't say i get jealous i get like being best friends with dave really fucking it kind of you just go yeah it was like i i yeah yeah from the start you were like oh i'm never gonna be i mean it's just like i don't i it's like what i what are you gonna do you just go okay well yeah oh yeah i guess i'll yeah i'm never gonna be the best yeah like i i'm not even the best person in this relationship so most if ask me in most relationships you're gonna be the funniest person every once in a while you get bested uh so so then you just go like i'd like to get some shit on i'd like to get some shit on the show i'd like to get and then and then and then once i whatever then i started him to stand up and it was like still compared to him but it's more just about like i'd like to write the best bit in this category right yeah like i'd like to write the best bit in this category i'd like to write the best whatever bit so i can't am i gonna be able to do arenas no i'm never going to be able to do arenas i'd like to added theater yeah so and and but i don't think i'm a loser i i guess i've there have been times where i've been like comparing myself to but there's also like i don't like but a certain amount of stress i don't like being surrounded by people and there's certain stuff that at a level you it's unavoidable but i but i but i've seen people can be competitive it's like i think it's good in your 20s like i think it's a it's a fine it's kind of cute yeah yeah it it really speaks to a lack of perspective yes like to the point where it's like ignorant yes like you're you're you're an ignorant person okay well what do you have have you ever been on top in your mind yeah yeah yeah yeah but like upon self-reflection and being an adult now i was not that that was the delusions like you know when the the netflix specials really changed my life in terms of like my career around the world and then like i you know i you know i went from playing fucking 500 series to you know three thousands um and everywhere yeah and like i really that was the time in my life where i was like oh my god i genuinely might be one of the fucking best of this i was not i was in awe but do you do best or most popular because it's two different categories yes yeah i guess the i guess i suffer with it which is like i'm very popular but i guess i don't see myself as one of the best i have the opposite problem oh yeah i have lots of respect yeah and decent sales yeah i'm like a boutique would you want to trade lives lives no and be Scottish um motherfucker look at your nine motherfucker look at your i know uh uh what no i wouldn't no that's the thing is like i know i also have lived enough to know like growth to me is treating the cause and not the symptom and i think the in your 20s and 30s you treat the symptom which is i need attention and then at a certain point you go why do i need this much attention and could i cut out the middleman and just go to the reason and then do that and that's where the dmt and everything comes in yeah um five meo dmt that's the one i did yeah uh yeah is that and it's it's smoking it yeah you smoke it it's wine and they let you in they there are no entities oh five meo there are no entities but it's the it's beyond it's beyond the place oh my god okay i i had the thought god's not here yet just to put it in perspective before time yes wow yes uh i was an amoeba i didn't know left right up down breathing consciousness i didn't i never had a thought and was that freeing uh it was beyond it was terrifying i would have paid for terror okay but it's you want to talk about the uh a factory reset we i'll talk more about it because i talk about it endlessly on this but but once you treat the symptom i know that i'm not going to do anything about it because i'm not going to do anything about it because i'm not going to do anything about it because i'm not going to do anything about it because i'm not going to do anything about it because i'm not going to do anything about it and you sell it out and you go and then the next store you do two yeah and you sell it and you go okay yeah like nothing happened i didn't nothing it didn't affect the gauges at all that didn't the meters didn't change it was just like oh you just i mean it's the hedonic treadmill it's all like the the human traps of just like oh i thought this was gonna be there are things in life that are not going to change or doing a netflix special is a big deal there are things that are like oh this is different yeah yeah this is i feel better and it's a real like i've established myself like this is something that even my inner monologue cannot yes deny that this is an achievement and i yeah yes and i can't it wasn't about awards it wasn't about it was just about like i know are you doing this dmt in mexico is are you doing a south american i did it no you can do it in the states it's not legal but you can do it yeah well i've been here before yeah i know this country yeah um so uh it's not legal but you can do it no yeah it's the american one yeah of america yes we the people it's not legally you can do it um so anyhow so it's treating the symptom i'm sorry treating the cause and not the symptom yes um that's the which i think you're on your way to yeah i still don't know what like i mean obviously it's on fucking therapy now i still don't know where the of the self-loathing like comes from like you know and one of the you don't have to have been molested it's like you don't um doesn't hurt but being molested doesn't hurt yeah but you don't have to have been molested um yeah because i i guess i was always sort of told to like drug addiction or addiction in general was like a pain killing and i really couldn't work out what the pain was yeah and like if i drop my you know my sister died when i was seven um i was groomed a bunch of times with no success um you know this guy's ungrammable okay yeah and and many have tried um or maybe just they threw their bet the scottish their best scotsman they threw him out of yeah they couldn't break him maybe that's the next show i just lost on the last of all how about it um but yeah yeah i don't know where the again i sister's pretty good i i we don't even know she was disabled too a double one fuck she spun and you killed her yeah um the because she was molested yeah um and she was gonna fuck up the whole ecosystem they got her there you were it was inevitable it was the domino theory of southeast asia um of uh so the but okay so the it doesn't have to be there's a thing recently it's covert narcissism that's the one i was the in myself, but you have the I and the myself. - I definitely have that. So, and they've realized, there was a study recently, it's genetic. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, like in the last three weeks it came out. They're like, this might, because they did, they separate twins. Or they didn't separate them, but they were separated. I think twins are more of an illusion. I mean, it's creepy. They can kill everybody. Yeah. One should always be killed at birth. At least. Yeah. God doesn't copy and paste. He doesn't make those mistakes. Hello. Only the Chinese can do that. Um, the, uh, the, okay. So, but it could just be a, it can just be, I used to yell at my therapist. It's in my body. Yeah. I can keep talking about this. It's the throat mind saying the incantation over and over again of what happened and this and that, or it's in my body. So, but it is about treating the cause. And sometimes the cause is just what it is. It's just like the way the system. Set up and it could be like cellular, you know, it doesn't, it could be other, it could be actual, like this event, et cetera. But so yeah, unfortunately you're going to, and gratitude is a big one where it's, you know, just like, all right, I can't, I can't, this is, I'm lying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have 13 comedy specials, but I'm not good. Yeah. Oh really? Yeah. How come on? Because people are idiots. Of course, but they're not. And I've convinced them all. Yes. Fine. But like, that's it. By the way, that's another thing that people do, which is like, and then do you do the thing where you make people prop you up with your self-hatred? No, no. I'm ugly. No, you're pretty. That thing. Oh, no, no, I don't. No, no, no. Cause they very rarely do I talk about it. Got to get it. Like, it's not something I bring up to my, no, no, no. Like arrogance and ego is like. A very lovely mask that I like to wear. So I sort of do the opposite. Sometimes like I am so egotistical and so fucking arrogant that like, and by being this like big, brash, confident person, it makes other people want to bring me down a level. So they saying things that I already agree with. You make yourself a target. Yes. Yes. Cause that way I sort of get. It's like the eight. It's the Eminem thing. But you like. You make them write it. Yes. There's something Scottish about. Like you are fairly emblematic of like a kind of Scottish bloke, right? Yeah. Like it's sort of like fun. Yeah. The boys. I know. So Scottish people, we all hate ourselves. It's a day. Scotland is one of the most self-deprecating nations on the planet. Being miserable is absolutely part of our identity and we're allowed to hate ourselves. But if you hate us, we'll fucking kill you. Yeah. Great. Like. Pint to the side of the head. Yeah. Yeah. Glass. It's such an old fucking act joke, but Scotland is the only country where glass is a verb. That's fun. Yeah. It's fun. It's an old joke sometimes if you haven't heard it. Pretty good. You see how they got this. Neil, what are you known for? A couple of things. Mental health. Of course. Vegan, probably. And thirdly, or I'd like to think. Of course, ayahuasca. And fourthly, I'd like to think. I'm known for my love of bidets. I love bidets. I've loved bidets. I had a girlfriend get me one in 2006. That's how deep I'm in the game. Back then, you had to get them from Japanese people. You had to know someone in Japan to get one. Now, they're everywhere. Now, I give them away when I direct commercials for a big box company. I give one away every day. We call it the bidet-ly giveaway. Don't love the pun, but my. Jesse came up with it, and I had to go with it. It's not bad. I love bidets, guys. I'm a tushy. I'm a tushy guy. I've got tushies. I'm on my third. I got the portable. I'm big into it. I don't like talking too specifically because it gets gross pretty immediately. But I just installed a new one. I just installed a new tushy. It's working good. I just think it's time for you to get a bidet. It's just time. You think paper's enough? You and I are different people, broskies. It ain't enough. I mean, I guess it could be eventually, but what have you done? You've, like, ruined. You ever look at a mom wiping. An angry mom wiping stuff off their kid's face, and it just looks like the kid's in pain? That's what you're doing to your own butt, okay? By the way, tushy has a warm one now. They have, like, a warm water one. It's slightly more expensive, and you need to plug it in. It's still not very expensive, but it's, like, slightly more expensive, and you got to plug it in. But do it. I haven't done it yet, but I'm planning on it. Here's the call to action. Please pay attention. Give your routine the freshest start for a limited time. Our listeners get 10% off their first bidet order when you use code NEAL at checkout. That's 10% off your first bidet order at hellotushy, H-E-L-L-O-T-U-S-H-Y.com. With promo code NEAL, hellotushy.com. With promo code NEAL for 10% off. Tushy, hellotushy.com. Hello, Tushy. Guys, I know that I look like I have perfect health. I think we can all admit that I look, I'm the portrait. I'm the face of good health. I kid with my weak voice. But I got to, look, I'm into doctors. I actually am way more into health than you would think, and I've got a new issue, guys, a new health issue, that's right, we've got a torn labrum on both sides of the hips. It's pretty great. The right side's worse than the left, et cetera, et cetera. I'm not going to bore you. I'm doing the exercises, but from what I understand, about 60 to 70 people end up getting surgery for labrum tears. But I've had to involve our friends at ZocDoc because I am in a different place. I'll reveal more when the time comes. And I'm in a different city, need doctors. ZocDoc is great because, all right, so here's the thing. You type in your name, location. If you have insurance, you type in your insurance. And then ZocDoc gives you a list of in-network doctors near you, links. You can schedule it on the site. You can get in same day sometimes. It's more comprehensive than pretty much any other way you could do it. I even find it more comprehensive than going through my insurance. It's just insurance isn't up to date. Or maybe I'm going on the wrong portal. It's all about what portal you go on. Anyway, ZocDoc has over 150,000 providers within 200 plus specialities across all 50 states. Their website has tons of reviews from real patients and detailed doctor profiles to help you choose the right one. I needed an osteopath, turns out, guys. And we found one. I'm not going to say names, but pretty good so far. See actual appointment openings and click to instantly book a visit. Appointments happen fast, usually within 24 to 72 hours. And you can even score same day babies. Same day, baby. ZocDoc is free to use. Here's a call to action. Brush your teeth. Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with ZocDoc. Head to ZocDoc.com/NEAL to get started and check that appointment off your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash N-E-A-L. No work-life balance. Still, you know, does your wife get on you about it? Do your kids do things like, why are you so quiet? Like the sort of subtle, they don't even know they're. Yeah, they're so young. My son is four, my daughter is 22 months. Like they, and when, after my daughter was born, I took like, hey, five months off to, like, be home all the time. My son obviously loved that. And he's at the stage now where, like, you know, it's very hard to be like, hey, do you fucking like this house in the holidays we go on? It's because Danny works. He knows my job. He sort of kind of understands it. You know, it's not that I would like to be home all the time. There's no way to do this job without travel. Yeah. There's, there's just, there's just no way. Yeah. And I can take my family with me on tour, which I often do when I'm in America in October, November. They're coming on a tour bus with me, which is so much better for my mental health because it gets rid of all the fucking, the guilt of being away. And they're just there the whole time. And we get to experience all of this together. Um, it fucking eats into the profits. You know, you take fucking three extra people on the bus. What are you doing? What do you, what do you need it for? Yeah. Yeah. What do you honestly, I mean, that's another gratitude thing where it's like, okay. And we're such fucking cave people that were like, we're hoarders. We're natural hoarders. Yeah. I mean, people are so worried about it. Elon Musk is worried about money. Bill Gates is worried about money. That's why they give it away. They go, when I die, you can have it. Yeah. But until then, get the fuck away from my money because I can, I can, I can trick myself. Yeah. Because, because it's safety, which is the thing. So people who say the money doesn't buy happiness. Absolutely. Money buys security. Yeah. Security brings happiness. Not having to worry about next mortgage payment. But you, but you don't. Marty who doesn't believe it. it obviously if you're going like boy this baby you know this baby food on the road yeah well there is part of me that like wants to not necessarily retire but there's a there's a big part of me that like just wants during these formative years of my kids lives like you want to be around i want to be around the whole time when they're 13 and they fucking hate me and i can explain to them while i'm right back at you yeah fucking yeah then i won't mind touring but like these years are the ones whenever i talk to parents they're like these these is generally the years that you don't get back i call it uh sunset yeah these they these a four-year-old is a setting sun yes yeah yeah they're gonna be i mean they're they stay cute i mean my stepson's like almost six but it's like i know he's gonna be 10 and smell you Oh and or what however age they get you know stinky yeah yeah yeah yeah there's just like a bit where like i i really loved the time off that i took and it was actually my my i want to take a year off and after eight months off my wife was like hey it's great having you around most of the time you need to what was her issue with you uh i don't have any hobbies like because this has been my whole why would you yeah yeah like i thought like she i think she clearly thought like during this time off i would just suddenly like get into other stuff and turns out my hobby was smoking weed and hating myself uh and which again it's a lot millions of people but aficionados but why are you not using that for stand-up that's what that's buddy buddy yeah yeah you're you're burning you're throwing it away yeah you're burning all this fuel get warm what are you doing um also like she uh she was like you need to know like stand-up has always been there like for my anger my rage my sadness my happiness my joy it's always been sort of like it's how i express myself and it's like it's a lot of the time it's how i you know i sometimes it's the way i feel my most and god it gives me such confidence like you know it's really nice to not have it's really nice to have my self-worth now come from cara and my children how good's ripping though how good is going on stage and ripping like yes i love that yeah feeling of you know and also my wife you know my wife fucking fancies the pants off me when i have a good kick there's nothing better there's the best gig i will ever ever do in my life is when i know she's in the audience because i know the better i do the hornier she gets fantastic and it's you know it's uh red rag to a fucking bullshit yeah like so we'd be you know i said you know i can complain about all this all the fucking day i love this job i'm very grateful to have this job and i'm so lucky to have the fucking career that i have in it i just want to sort of get to a point where i feel like i had the work-life balance for a fucking bet that when i started touring again i would be away for three days every two weeks and i come back because three days away from your kids is the ultimate amount of days away from your kids one day you're hey free bed not being kicked in the fucking face not being woken up early in the morning two the guilt still hasn't fucking set in you're sort of you're looking at fucking bitches day three is when you start being like oh my god i'm a negligent father and i should be home unless you're going home on that fourth day in which case the answer is like three days is the ultimate amount of time away from your kids uh and then i did three and a half weeks in australia i'm just there and well yeah you know and you feel like a piece of garbage because also i'm gigging every night there yeah so it's so it's there's there's so much less time to yeah i don't want downtime because i'm away and if you're away let's capitalize a hundred percent yeah so there's no downtime and because there's no downtime i've got less time to be myself and i'm just more time being that fucking arrogant kind on fucking stage getting in that headspace again and then also when i have a bad gig jesus christ aren't i the worst human being that ever lived and yeah it's amazing that people have fallen for this con for 16 fucking years and how am i going to convince them you know all that fucking shit happens again different time zones i'm fucking you know my kid my kids don't even know what they're doing and i'm fucking you know my kids don't even know what they're doing and i'm fucking you know my kids don't even know what they're doing and i'm fucking you know my kids don't even know what they're doing my kids are phoning me in the my kids are phoning me in the my kids are phoning me in the morning it's 2am and i'm drunk like i'm morning it's 2am and i'm drunk like i'm morning it's 2am and i'm drunk like i'm like you know it's yeah not a good like you know it's yeah not a good like you know it's yeah not a good fucking uh a great time but when i get fucking uh a great time but when i get fucking uh a great time but when i get back from this back from this back from this i'm home for oh no i'm back on tour after i'm home for oh no i'm back on tour after i'm home for oh no i'm back on tour after three days but just in the uk three days but just in the uk three days but just in the uk you get home at night or no i get home at you get home at night or no i get home at you get home at night or no i get home at night night night and i got two days at home and i'm off and i got two days at home and i'm off and i got two days at home and i'm off to to to like york and brighton i don't we like york and brighton i don't we like york and brighton i don't we don't know no i don't don't know no i don't don't know no i don't it sounds like well york you know new it sounds like well york you know new it sounds like well york you know new york yeah it's based on that yeah yeah york yeah it's based on that yeah yeah york yeah it's based on that yeah yeah similar are they similar yeah similar are they similar yeah similar are they similar yeah you know what pretty identical you you know what pretty identical you you know what pretty identical you guys did do a better job guys did do a better job guys did do a better job you guys did uh it's not it's not it's you guys did uh it's not it's not it's you guys did uh it's not it's not it's not legal but you can do it yeah um not legal but you can do it yeah um not legal but you can do it yeah um you want to knock someone out that's a you want to knock someone out that's a you want to knock someone out that's a that's a good one that's a good one that's a good one and pretty relatable go ahead and pretty relatable go ahead and pretty relatable go ahead tell us more tell us more my best friend is called kai hamphries my best friend is called kai hamphries my best friend is called kai hamphries he's a great comedian he's a great comedian he's a great comedian uh he's very kind he's very nice he's uh he's very kind he's very nice he's uh he's very kind he's very nice he's the hardest person i know the hardest person i know the hardest person i know like and you wouldn't expect it from like and you wouldn't expect it from like and you wouldn't expect it from him and maybe not know that he's you him and maybe not know that he's you him and maybe not know that he's you know know know in his 40s now but like in his 40s now but like in his 40s now but like late 20s in his 30s that can't could knock out anyone on the planet and i saw him do it multiple times and it was always justified i always called him scummy batman you know he would never start a fight but he finished several and it would only ever be if he his opinion was very much like there are some people in the world who act the way they act because they've never been knocked out before and if you were to just give them some fucking medicine they're going to be a better person with another intervention yeah yeah yeah it's a physical intervention yeah and he would never and it would never be surprised he was never coward punching someone it was never he was never blindsided so we i'm assuming you're drinking every time uh not every time sometimes he would no i've seen him knock people out in the morning which is wild you know there's your fucking coffee also when how for what just because of the way that they were treating their partner from like at breakfast brunch sometimes you know yeah like he would you know somebody would be being rude to and really shout and really fucking and they were using their physical size to intimidate people and he wanted to prove that your physical size doesn't mean you can't be knocked the fuck out uh and he's left handed he's an ink dragger so like people would never he would always take his watch off before because he'd broken so many watches from punching people in the face so he would always take his watch off before he punched someone he's big or he's not no he's not big he's my height i would say no similar similar size also you know we've known each other for 20 years he's been chubby he's been ripped he's but he's gone through it all he's gone through it all he's gone through it all he's never had oh that's not so i suppose he was never having many other people out sometimes he was fucking thrilled because some people really deserved that he did a good job but they're like a lot of the time like he felt really bad after also i was a fucking nightmare with him he's seven years older than me i've never had an older sibling i've only ever learned de-escalation because i've never been a fighter i've never been in a fight i've because the reason i don't get into fights is because i know i'll lose them in my 20s i've never been in a fight i've never been in a fight i've never been in a fight i've never been in a fight i've never been in a fight i've never been in a fight i've never been in a fight i've never been in a fight i've never been in a fight i was the obnoxious girlfriend like i was people yeah yeah yeah absolutely people who normally i would de-escalate situations with if i was by myself i'm like my boyfriend's here i was people who were being fucking rude to me fucking i would get mouthy i would get gobby and i'm funnier than anyone in fucking public saying these things so i'm saying really cruel things to antagonize people i'm fighting i'm not going for their first insecurity i'm going for their fourth insecurity the one that most people don't know about because i know how to fucking hurt them because all i want them to do is come up to me and start a fight because my boyfriend's going to knock you out um and god i wish it was just i wish i had the confidence myself to be able to knock someone out i got do you how do you feel about do you think it's dangerous to knock someone out absolutely and that's why kyle doesn't do it anymore like he there was enough like he the guilt he would feel afterwards of like and the sort of like oh my god thank god they didn't fall in such a way or hit their head off the fucking curb like the reason he's not knocked anyone out and i would say about five or six years is because like just sort of realizing how irresponsible and fucking dangerous yeah and all that stuff like i think now he won't like the way i'm talking about him like there's a real regret i think for him the way thankfully he never killed anyone but he changed some lives he do you think he changed did anyone come forward did anyone get in touch with him like the like jigsaw and go like look you knock me the fuck until you knock me out i didn't know how good i had it um nobody's got in contact he's been beating the fuck up and changed because of it as well oh that's interesting like he said like yeah yeah yeah like he got his fucking he got his fucking head kicked in by like seven bouncers where they like pinned him down and tried to how come how could you what did you say to him like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know what to say oh i wasn't i wasn't there i wasn't there that time uh he was in a bar and one of his friends was very drunk but passed out on a table and so the bar tried to remove him and they were like no he's fine he's just he's not he's too drunk but he's just sleeping yeah and then some bouncers came in to try and throw him out um so oh one of them tried to hit him so he broke a bouncer's nose by kneeing him in the face three times his brother it in one of my favorite ever fucking stories uh the bouncer calls him back up four more bouncers turn up all of kai and his friends get up there's a big fucking brawl all of kai's mates how long where he calls for backup how long does it take oh there's there's they're like he walkies well they're not okay yeah the bar there they see what's going on all right kai's brother uh grabs one of the bouncers that comes in physically throws him out of his own bar and says you're barred and goes back in to join the bar fight there's there's there's fisticuffs they're all fucking going at each other a bunch of other bouncers arrive from other bars which are in this on the same security team that are doing everything they're having to be a bouncer convention that week yeah there's several in town uh and they take kai around the corner and like fucking four of them hold him down one guy just fucking stomped on his head in a really fucking graphic and kai when the police came along uh to be like do you want to press charges and he was like well i mean you know the thieves honor he was never going to do it yeah anyway but they were like the bouncers uh they've got footage of kai's brother throwing the bouncer out the bar and that bouncer will drop charges against your brother if you drop charges against them so like honors yeah yeah yeah so what are the charges what would he have charged his brother with being excellent you know i'm charging you for the doing for the coolest story greatness sir you're taking this to the highest court in the land yeah for um but i wish these stories i told i wish they were about me it's like i wish i wish when i'm when i have this you've never fought i've been headbutted once you exercise yeah yeah so you're what do you do you do any combat exercises no no no yeah i don't go to i don't do martial arts for the same reason that i would never live in this country because if i owned a gun i would kill people yep if you gave me if i was able to beat people up i would be in jail tomorrow because it's all i would do i would there's you run aggressive are you like your operating system's a little aggressive i could we can walk down the street for 10 minutes and i'll tell you 40 people who need to die tomorrow for the world to be a better place yes absolutely so it's pure vigilante yes yes absolutely i am the arbiter of uh kindness and goodness and if i could i thought so i knew i recognized you from somewhere if i could if i could dole out fucking street justice my what what a better place the world would be and i can't i can't have that power americans blow my mind for the fact that you're not just killing each other i mean you are killing each other we really are we really are putting a pretty good but like some of you are the for the gun i mean it whenever there's they go we have too many guns i'm like for the amount of guns we have this is not that bad guys are really holding back 300 million firearms yeah like it's a crazy small amount yeah yeah yeah this is like we're being sensible we really are i really believe that about our country um okay so what's your what are your goals for yourself at this point in life i i guess get to your level man from this conversation well it's there are downsides but it is a better minute to minute existence i would like to see myself the way my wife sees me and how is that uh lovely big dick great creating pussy no um i don't know like i i do i think i think i'm a very good dad but like you know my wife thinks i'm handsome my wife thinks i'm funny my wife thinks i'm kind my she's so stupid so of course anything would be smart to her um i would like to you know have that and then also yeah i guess i don't want to i don't want to see myself the way my fans see me because that's how i lived my 20s and that was a problem any time a fan was like you're the best in the world i was like well why would you lie so you've seen my stuff yeah i would yeah i would like to yeah get rid of what was the great narcissist term you used earlier covert covert get rid of that i want to get rid of that well you know if you saw yourself the way your wife does which i think part of you does yeah you just go it's not that big a deal just go i'm a good dad that's cool i'm i'm happy about that like i'm i'm uh i'm funny i'm good looking i'm whatever it's like yeah it doesn't not it ends up not you're we tend to ride highs as comics or people of like i'm gonna ah but it just if you can just make it more consistent like a lower baseline but uh it's it's a higher baseline but with fewer peaks and drops or i i guess i wish i was able to dismiss the troughs as well as i'm able to dismiss the peaks like whenever something good happens in my career and i achieve something great i'm very easy to sort of dismiss it burn rates pretty quick yeah yeah yeah yeah i wish i could do the same when i had that aging i think helps that you just it just doesn't hurt as long yeah things don't hurt once you look the first death suck the second death sucks all death sucks by the time you've bombed 50 times you're like ah i'm still gonna wake up tomorrow yep yeah and also you know what i'm gonna say it that audience was wrong yeah yeah like when we're young we're told the audience is never wrong yeah buddy the audience is wrong often wrong yeah sometimes when you're doing well the audience is wrong that's how wrong the audience is a lot of the time but yes and making it ir it's kind of that but with life like it's like just going like ah what are you gonna do although most of our problems are the the show yeah yeah how the response to the show which again but that's the my defensive comparison is like i'm running a stall at a food court or whatever you want to say if no one likes my food and they're lined up for that person i'm running a stall at a food court or whatever you want to say if no one likes my food and they're lined up for that person i should consider what i'm doing yeah yeah but not obviously like be venomous toward the i was like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i also got one day i would like to have a healthy relationship with marijuana again i'd like to i'd like to have the relationship my teens which is like it's night time i'm playing computer games yep and like that and it's a treat like it's something i look forward to like it's i would like to and it's never i would like to and it's never and it just at this point you don't trust that it could be that it would it just will not not be what about drinking you like drinking right yeah and i can stop it yeah but drinking is why i hate about it like i i enjoy gambling i can i'll set myself a limit i'll start gambling yeah i could do i could genuinely like do cocaine and then not do cocaine for another yeah yeah i'm so arrogant i reckon i could do heroin once and stop for some reason the second weed hits my system it is it's it's six weeks of my life yeah you can't i can't do it you really gotta hide it yeah gotta hide it well guys it was daniel sloss it was a good episode he's scottish and uh he once believed he was one of the greatest comedians alive i know jesus christ please don't damn yeah daniel sloss yeah i don't have this i don't have a follower yeah no yeah i don't have a i don't i don't have a follower great it could be a noose around my great it could be a noose around my great it could be a noose around my neck neck neck oh oh oh