Dancing to Death in 1518 | History Hyenas

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Catch me in Atlantic City, June 26th and 27th, East Hampton, New York, July 8th, New Brunswick, New Jersey, July 17th or 18th, and Philly, August 14th and 15th. And all of us are going to be there. Austin, August 21st, 23rd. Tickets at yannaspappascomedy.com. We love you guys. Enjoy this app. Enjoy the app, and every Thursday I will be at New York Comedy Club doing shows at 6 and 830, working on new material, and then go to christycomedy.com. I've got some new dates up there. We need to just come support your boy. I need a new roof. You did something to the cameras. You did a Lebanese. You sabotaged it. You did some sort of Lebanese trick. Yeah, you did a Lebanese trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Tell us again how your family was living side-by-side in peace with the local Arab population, and there was no problems, and everyone paid the peaceful geyser, and everything was okay. My family was just like, you know what? We live side-by-side. Once in a while, they'd do a derf shwermer sweep and come and take my brother, who was my great-great-granduncle, and he became a janissary. Which was an elite Muslim force. He was brainwashed into Islam. And then he came back, and he collected the tax from his own parents and didn't recognize them. But other than that, we live side-by-side. It was all great. Tell us about how it was all great again. And then we bought a deli. It's called Brooklyn Heights Deli. Yeah, yeah. Is it still for sale? Your dad's been trying to sell it. If anyone wants to buy Brooklyn Heights Deli, I'd like to retire my father. He's complaining a lot. He was trying to sell that thing in like 2022. Yeah. Still. Is it a good deli? What's the best sandwich in Brooklyn Heights Deli? It's called the Monica Lewinsky. I swear to God. What is it? Yeah, it just has cup on it. The Lebanese just are good at food. Pat's good at food. As far as A-Rab food, I think the Lebanese do it the best. Now, Pat's wearing a Paul O'Neill jersey, the old-school New York Yankees player. And Paul O'Neill always stands out to me because I remember one time I was watching the Yankee game. It was just me and my mom, and I saw my mom was watching the game. I was like, Oh, my mom's getting into baseball, and she was just looking at Paul O'Neill, and she goes, and she went, That man has some gorgeous legs. And I said, Oh, shit. And that was the first time I ever heard my, the one and only time I ever heard my mother. There was two guys that I think she wanted to crack open, and that was Paul O'Neill. And do you remember the old Phoenix Suns coach, Paul Westfall? Yes. Yeah, she wanted to crack him big. Nice and tall drink of water. Pull up a picture of Paul Westfall because my mom wanted, these are the types of guys Lynn likes. You know what the funny thing is about both those guys? They both look like your dad if he wasn't cross. Yeah. So that's, she just wanted a better looking version of your dad. If my dad wasn't, didn't have a long, if my dad didn't have a lazy eye, a big nose, and wasn't too short and too fat, this is the exact, they would look like Paul Westfall. And, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's actually, actually, I'm not that far off. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I'm not that, your mom has a type. Yeah. And your dad, when he was younger, fulfilled that type. Yeah. And she's just looking for another version of your dad who took a different route. Yeah, now pull up Paul O'Neill. It looks like you, cuz. Yeah. It looks like you and your dad. Yeah, it's just what it is. Now pull up Paul O'Neill. Cuz you look like your dad if he took a different route. It's just what it is, right? Yeah. As you said, my mom just prayed me handsome. Yeah, it's the same thing with Paul O'Neill. Yeah. I mean, those two guys definitely look like handsomer versions of your dad. Of my dad, yeah. And now pull up Anthony DiStefano. That's the next one. Pull up Anthony, Anthony, and then D-I-S-T-E-F-A-N-O. Pull up that, and let's see, let's see if, does he pop up, put in Anthony DiStefano, Chris DiStefano, put in that, yeah. Chris DiStefano, Tampa Tony, put in, yeah, D-I-S, put in Tampa Tony, and let's see if that pops up. Tampa Tony, and let's see what pops up. Yeah! Yeah! No, go down, go back up, go back up. Go back, go back, go back. Cuz there was just a real, yeah, look at the guy, look at him, look, yeah, go to that one. Yeah, I mean, that's just what happened, cuz. Cuz it's just what, sometimes it's just what it is. Right. But you know what? The thing about Barney Rubble, Tampa Tony, you know what the thing is about him? What? Is, when that kid was 21, he was a smooth talker, and the future was his oyster. And then he put a couple dollars on it. And it just went in another direction. Yeah, and that guy with the glasses, if you third row down, is a switched off man right there. That man is switched off. Totally switched off, wow. Right, that's switched off. Have you ever seen me, have you ever caught me switched off? No, cuz this is what happened when I wasn't in your life, you got switched off. Yeah. I was switched off, holy shit. It was, I was a little disconnected, it's a little freaky, right? Yeah, it's a little like, wow, that's like a little, this person has done something to the people in the neighborhood. Yeah. Wow. Wow. That is a guy who's completely switched off. Yeah, I'm not, I wasn't there. Yeah, you were out and about. I was out, yeah. You were out and about. Yeah. Cuz you were off the beam. Out and about was the gay podcast on Barstool Sports that I was a part of. Yeah. Yeah. You were swimming in the sewage of Satan. It was crazy, right? You were off the beam, cuz that's what the beam is. The beam. The beam is Jesus' light above the sewage of Satan. Well, that, and that, people say, how did Jesus walk on water? I said, he was on the beam. He was on the beam. The beam was in the water. He was on the beam. Wow, look how switched off. A little switched off. Now, here's the question I have to you. Now, do I look handsome today? Cuz I don't feel handsome today. No, you look really good. Cuz my hair, I feel bad about it, I got allergies, I didn't work out this morning, I gained a pound. No, the pound, you look good, you look really good. It makes me puing when you tell me I look good. I like you, I like you plumped up a little bit. You like me a little plumped up. Yeah, I like you the way nature intended. Yeah. I like you the way nature intended, which is jumping from a 300 cholesterol to a 200 cholesterol. In a week. Back up to a 300 cholesterol, nice and plumped up, from a Yankees jersey to a Mets jersey to peptides to boxing. Yeah, from guys to girls. Guys to girls. Krav Maga from Staten Island to Westchester, back to Queens. Yeah. I like you like little bunny foo-foo, cuz. Just hopping around. Yeah. Switching directions. Yeah. Dodging cars. Yeah. You're Frogger. You're the video game Frogger. I'm the Frogger, cuz. Yeah. And you get through to the other side, though. Yeah, one time Colin told me, Colin Quinn told me that I'm like a little bee looking for pollen. You're a little bee. A little bee looking for pollen is a good explanation. Yeah. Now, my question for you is your mom liked the legs of- Paul O'Neill. Paul O'Neill. And Paul Westfall. Now, what- But you wanted to name me Paul, and my middle name is Paul. Yeah, so maybe that had something to do with it. But what's your opinion? Because I know when your mom was dating that guy, Bill, I think his name, you would crawl in under the covers- Yeah. And had a good view of his legs. Yeah, so- So what were his legs like? So his legs were nice, and what I would do is, because I didn't realize that I was cock blocking my mom, but what I inadvertently do is they would sleep over, and I would sleep on the floor. I would sleep on the floor. Oh, you'd get on the floor. I would sleep at the foot of the bed. Right. One or the other. Like a little dog. Yeah, because you have to understand what I'm saying, and I'm being dead serious. When I was 15 years old, think about being 15 years old, and I'm sleeping at the foot of the bed in the same bed as my mom and her boyfriend. It didn't last long, because the guy said, I can't do this. You can't do this. Because I was a little disturbed, a little switched off. Yeah, because in the morning, he said, Lynn, listen, I really like you, but your son is past puberty, and he's trying to sneak into your bed to sleep on the floor. Yeah. I can't do this. Yeah, I mean, I remember being- And then she defended you. She defended me. She said, you get out of here. Yeah, you get out of here. That's how my mom is. She'll defend me, and then I remember being in college. I remember being a 22-year-old man still going to a pediatrician. Yeah, I remember. It's Dr. Dubas in Howard Beach. Dr. Dubas, and he would look in the kid's ears and say, he sees Dumbo. So I remember being a grown man. I'm saying, I see Dumbo. Yeah, you're a combination of a lot of things that ordinarily don't make sense, and that's why you're such in good favor with the Logos. Right. They really love you because you're a combination of things. Right. You're a combination of a very smart guy and a retarded person. Yeah, that's what it is. You have just a combination of things. Yeah. Like, when you hear about the behavior, you go, oh, that guy's in a program, that guy gets picked up on a bus, and that guy goes bowling. Yeah. And then they see you, and they go, that can't be the same guy. Yeah, how does he get a doctorate degree in physical therapy? Yeah, and they go, no, and how can he be a successful comedian? They go, listen, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. But I'm telling you a story about a real guy, and this is what he did. It's just what it is. And they go, who is that? Who's that guy? Is that guy getting picked up? Right. Did they have to do the electronic thing to go down and have his wheelchair get in the bus? And I go, no, that's Chris DiStefano. He's the leading scorer for St. Joe's. That's what it is. Joe's, guys. Yeah, put up Chris DiStefano, St. Joe's. I mean, have you ever seen those pictures? I was a skinhead. You were a skinhead at that point, and that's what happens. You know how when you wear a suit, you feel more professional? Yeah. You know when you had a skin, you said slurs in the mirror. You just did it. Yeah. I mean, look at that guy. He's a skinhead. Yeah, yeah. There's a couple of pictures of me with a skinhead. Yeah, yeah. And that's me getting inducted to Division III St. Joseph's Hall of Fame. My favorite. Which is a great accomplishment. The kid could shoot. The kid was a scorer. He didn't like passing that much. It's what it is. Right. But one of my favorite stories was, so Marco went to that gym for some reason. What gym? It was such a coincidence. He went to the St. Joseph's. It was some event that he went to at St. Joe's. And he was walking in the hallway. And they had the St. Joe's Hall of Fame up on a piece of Oster tag. Yeah. Construction paper. It was like construction paper. It was made in arts and crafts. And it was a picture of Chris with his name and Crayola marker underneath. And Chris was in the St. Joe's fucking basketball Hall of Fame. That's it behind me. You see that? That's it. Me and this guy, that's what I wore to my Hall of Fame induction. I wore a New York Islanders warm-up jacket. Now back then, that is when you were other side of the pizza restaurant menu, Chrissy. I was a little blown out. That's particular. Potato croquettes. Yeah, but this guy, you were good. Good, yeah. I bit lady arms, though, a little bit. This is where that, you know, when you're like in-between weight, I mean. That's when you like me. That's when you're at your handsomest. Right. Yeah. Because the thing about you, like me, the thing about us, right, is we're kind of handsome guys, but we're a little untraditional. Like, it's a little off. Right. Like, you know, our different angles, different days. Yeah. Right. So, it's like some days I look special needs and some days you're going like, is he? This is the most common thing I think girls say. This is the most common thing I think girls say about me. Wait a second. Yeah. They go, wait a second. I saw that guy yesterday. He looked bald and he looked like he had one eye. Yeah. Wait a second. Is he cute? Yeah. I think I'm an is he cute kind of guy. Is he cute? Yeah. I mean, I'm constantly in question. Well, I think what it is is like Brittany's friends are kind of like, they'll say they'll meet you and they just won't have any comments and then you'll kind of look good on a date and they'll say, you know, I never realized after 10 years that Giannis is kind of handsome. Kind of handsome. Yeah. Kind of cute. It's a constant wait a second. That doesn't make sense. Yeah. I saw him post a video yesterday and I mean, he looked special needs. Well, it's got to be fun for Brittany too because every time she wakes up and goes like this and opens her eyes, she has a different husband. She's got a different husband. She looks, she says, who's it going to be today? Yeah. And you, you're very handsome, but you, it changes so much. It changes so much. It changes so much. Yeah. It changes also from the angle. The angle, yeah. Because one side I look handsome, the other side I don't. Yeah. You got like a good side, you got a bad side and you got very sharp features and you got a, you got a little bit of a crow magnum forehead. So it just, when you get. It's skinny. Like, I'm trying to tell you what the truth is, guys. The truth is, is you're supposed to be a big guy. Yeah. But that's why I want to get in the Ferrari. Do you remember? I want to get on TRT. Do you remember when we were at Joe Rogan and we were talking, we were telling him that like we were both boxing. Yeah. And I said, I, I, I found out that, you know, Sergio told me I got power in both hands and he said, he told me he was skeptical and he said, I had a head that looked like I would just be floored in a second. Yeah. Yeah. And he's not wrong. And then he, and then he looked at your head and he said, your head looks like it could take a punch. Yeah. Like you look. Right. You look like a big guy. Right. So I, and the thing is you want to be like a small girl. I want to be a little guy. I really want to be little. You want to be a little guy. Yeah. I want to be little and I want to wear like a crop top and bell-bottom jeans. That's what I really, really, really want. You know that look? Yeah. And I want to have like a handbag. Like that's what I really want. You want, you want to be like Timothy Chalamet. Yeah. I want to have like cutoff jean shorts and I kind of want to be roller skating on 7th Avenue. Yeah. You really want to be like a petite guy. Yeah. But you're just on camera. You look like a, just a big fucking guy because in real life you're 6'1". Yeah. At a natural rate. You're probably natural weight, like comfortable weight. You're 220, 6'1". Yeah. That's a heavy weight. But I don't want to be that at all. Yeah. I want to be this guy. I want to be bent down. I want to be running around. Yeah. That's how I want to come walking in. It's funny to you, right? It's very funny because you come, you have an intimidating look. Right. Your head, you got a big forehead. You got. You got. You look like a racist cop. Yeah. Yeah. You look like a guy who's got a lot. If you go on the internet, he's got a lot of complaints. Right. You look like a 22 complaint kind of guy. Yeah. Excessive force. Yeah. Excessive force. Yeah. Planted, planted paraphernalia. Yeah. Reached in the car, planted a bag of coke. Yeah. Roughed the guy up. Right. You know, you look like that kind of guy. You look like that kind of guy. Yeah. But then when you diet too much, you look like a lolly. I look like a lolly pot. Because your head is just. But right now I'm okay. You're a masculine. You're a masculine guy. Right. But right now you don't think I'm lolly yet. No. Right now you're perfect. Stay here. Right. Stay right there. But get in the Ferrari? On the TRT? Because I think what you should do is stay natural. I don't think that's good for you. Because once you get on the T. Get in the Ferrari. You can't get off. That's the problem. Yeah, but it doesn't matter, cuz. Yeah. It doesn't matter, cuz. I mean, I just want to get in the Ferrari because I don't want to have any more kids. I just don't. The balls shrivel up. It'll be nice. But where does the Ferrari lead? That's the thing. I know the Ferrari drives you into a little place called Divorce Town. That's right. Yeah. The only way out is in. It's the only way out is in, which I like. I like that expression. The Ferrari could lead to a couple of weird places. Right. That's the thing. You know? Right. The next thing you know, you're on a podcast. Right. You're raging. Right. You know, you get your iced coffee, you throw it at Nick for no reason. It's just what it is, yeah. Yeah, I mean, Nick thought I was a different kind of guy when he met me. He thought I was going to grab him by the neck and choke him out, but I really just put my arms around him. I put my arms around him because I wanted him to check my blood pressure because I was having an anxiety attack. The thing about Nick that I love is- I love a lot about Nick lately. Nick is a great guy. Nick's a great guy. The thing about Nick that's great is, you know, he wanted to be an actor. The thing was, I think someone needed to tell Nick early, listen, Hollywood isn't about, it's not about talent, it's not about the role, it's all about look. Right. So every audition, just show up with a feather in your hair and go, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. That's what it is, yeah. And you'll get hired. Yeah, yeah. Because Nick absolutely looks like a Navajo. Yeah, Nick looks like a crime. He looks like a dying Indian. Yeah. Like that one-tier Indian? Yeah. That's what Nick looks like. Nick looks like he's going to die if he catches one of our colds. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah. When he's on the scene. Yeah, he's got smallpox. Yeah, Nick just looks like his immune system can't handle the dirty whites that are in here. Yeah, but Nick is a fun guy. What I like about Nick is he's all business, okay? You notice, like, Nick on the group chat, how can he respond? How can he help the show? He's all business, you know? Nick, and he pumps them out quick, he pumps them out good. Yeah. And what I like about Nick is he's always quiet. Right. Which means he's an introvert, which means he's an intelligent guy. Yes. And I think he's riddled with anxiety. 100%. I think the anxiety hits him like a fucking million bricks. Yeah, like. Like, if we started talking right now about how, hey, once you get to about 44, you know, the chances of you getting a heart attack go up 65%, he's going to mull over that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to sit there, he's going to start sweating. Right. He's going to go get his dang. Yeah, because a lot of times you and I are just locked in, but there's multiple times if you look over, there's multiple times where Nick passes out from anxiety through the show. He wakes up, and he gets back up, and then he misses it. Yeah. We should really have smelling salts in the studio. He blacks in and out. He just is in and out. Now, because Patreon doesn't choose. We don't choose the Patreon. No, this isn't Patreon. This is YouTube. Oh, we're just. So we're keeping this one? We have to, yeah. Okay. This is. Yeah, we just haven't gotten to the fun stuff yet, which is the dancing plague of 1519, is it? Why not? Yeah. Yeah, it's the dancing. The dancing plague. You're off by one year, which is good. The dancing plague of 1518 is what we're going to be talking about. We're going to be talking about today. But first, before we talk about that, because we were talking off air about it, we got a situation here today. We got a situation. What do I do? I was offered Nick's tickets for game one of the NBA playoffs, which is tonight. I know this episode's coming out in a couple of days, but we're in game one of the NBA playoffs. Nick's tickets courtside. I had told my daughter that I was going to go have dinner with her tonight. I was going to be home for dinner because I didn't know that I was going to the Nick's game. Now, they've offered me to go to the Nick's game at 8 p.m. tonight, and I invited Jasmine, who said she would come meet me, but then she was like, you know what? It's going to be too late. We're not going to get home till 1130, 12 o'clock. I don't want to upset the girl's schedules, so I'm going to stay home. But then she said, you can go if you want to, which when the wife says that, that means don't go. So my question is for the room, what do we do? Do I A, try to talk my wife into coming and have a good time with her? Do I B, just go home, forget the whole thing? Or do I C, try to talk her out of going and have her convince herself that it's a good idea that I go? And I bring one of you guys in here, and we go get before. We can't. You can't put that. It's got to be on the Patreon. Well, so we'll just put that part in the Patreon at the end, because this is the YouTube. And he's just joking. That's a joke. Yeah, he's just joking, but what? It's a joke. It's not. But do we go A, B, or C? I know, but people need to know that that's a fucking joke with two married guys. Yeah, it's just a joke. And it is actually a joke. It's just a joke. I mean, we're a joke. We're a joke. These people, they think. We say things, and we mean it. We don't mean anything. We're trying to entertain you. Yeah. Yeah. It's just. Now, you want the real solution? I want the honest truth. What would you do if you were me? If I was you, okay, you seem a little undecided about it. I'm undecided right now. It's obviously. Which is on brand. It's cool to go to a Knicks game. I love the opportunity, but I also. There's a part of me that wants to go home and just be with the kids. Now, if you don't go, does it mess your thing up at all or no? I don't think so. What I would do is. I would call them and come up with some type of emergency situation. My stepmother's dead, something like that. Why can't I go? They're like, wait, didn't she die last year? I'm like, yes, but she rose and came back. Yeah, you don't know what it is. She's very religious. Yeah. So, I gauge that and then see if it's not going to be a problem. If it's going to be a problem, then I stay. Right. So, what do you think? What would you do, cuz, if you were me? You want to know the real answer? I want to know the real answer. That's why we're on the show. We're real guys. Yeah, this is a real answer, and it's against my. It's against my interest, because I could be the prime candidate for that second seat. Yeah. Yeah. So, I'll give you the real answer. Okay. If you want to know what to do to push you over the edge. Yeah. Okay? I would. would call your daughter, FaceTime with your daughter, and be like, hey, Delilah, Daddy's got a chance to go to the Knick game. Should I go? And then she'll go, Daddy, come home! And then you just go home. Because I tell you what happened to me yesterday, I was leaving, you know, we recorded yesterday, so I was leaving to go box. We recorded a great Patreon episode. Go to patreon.com slash historyinears and listen to our episode, Comedians for Christ Getting Coffee. So it was just an hour of Comedians for Christ Getting Coffee and we really had a fun time defending Christendom to the infidels. We did that. We also had a lot of fun talking about how you can have a theme party and you can sort of think outside the box and think of some new theme parties to do, you know, because that's what a lot of people like to do. Oh, it's 60s night, 70s night. We thought of some new ones. We thought of some new ones, so go to Patreon and have a good time. Patreon.com slash historyinears. It's always good for you to support the show and hang out with other fans back there in the chat box. It's very, very fun. Yeah. So what happened to me was I was leaving and, um, true story, and uh, what's the guy looking at? He keeps looking in the fucking studio. We gotta get out of here. Guy! Do we look like two guys who wanna be looked at? Yeah, we gotta, we really gotta get out of the studio. Yeah, I don't wanna be looked at. Yeah. That's New York. What are you looking at? He could've been doing it as a friendly thing. Yeah. Um, but she went in the window of her bedroom. Your daughter. Yeah, and she went, bye daddy, and I went bye, and I went love you, and she went love you, and I just, I fucking melted. And then she did a heart with her fingers, and then I left, I got in, I was driving back in the car out of my driveway crying. Yeah. On the way to the podcast? Yeah, no, I was crying. Yeah. It made me cry. Yeah. It just, I started crying. Right. So it's like, if you ask her, and she tells you, daddy, go ahead, we're gonna if you go, God, would you mind if I went to the next game? It's courtside. Yeah. She'd go, daddy, come on, and then you just, and then you just can't. Okay, so while on the one hand, I agree with that, and I should do that, I also don't wanna put any pressure on my kids. Right. That's a good point. So that's the other part. I don't wanna put pressure on my kids, and unfortunately, my wife doesn't help me, because she's like, do what you feel is the right thing to do. Maybe you need to pray on it. Yeah, pray on it. Should I call my mom? Yeah, call your mom. Call your mom and ask her what you should do. And what should I do? You know what she's gonna say. Well, my mom has already, my mom never understood why, she was like, you know, you're in a grown man with a family, I don't know why you would go to Knicks games without your family. Right. That's a, but my mom doesn't really get it. Right. Where my father is like, you gotta go to the game, Chris. Right, right, right. Yeah. I think this is, you'd be in a conundrum too, you don't know what- I'd be in a conundrum. I'd be in a conundrum. Yeah, cause I'm at the age where it's like, it's an age thing, cuz. It's also like- It's an age thing. How great is it? But, you know, and I feel- But you do it all the time. It's an age thing. Like, I've only done it, like, I think twice with you, right? Right. For the St. Johns. And I, like, yeah, I could go either way. Right. It's like, that's the great thing about having a family. If I was a single guy, I'd be like, Chris, you call your wife. Yeah. Fucking tell her Yanni's dying of cancer. I gotta put Yanni in a seat. But, when you have a family, it's like, what compares? Right. So it's like, it's very understandable, the way you feel. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You always think something's wrong with the way you feel. That's what it is! Yeah. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. It's a conundrum because you have a family and getting home to your daughters is great, but going to the Knick game's great, so you have two great options. That's just what it is. So the people that are listening to this are getting mad at you. They're going, Chrissy, you got two good options. What's your problem? Should we just call Jazz on the show? Yeah. Call her up and ask her. What time is it? Okay. You got two options that most people would kill for. Yeah. Here we is. Okay. Okay. The only thing I don't like about your look today is you didn't think about your hair at all. Well, because I thought I was just going right home. But you know you gotta look cute for me. I didn't put any gel in. Hello? Hey. Hey. You're on the podcast. Just give me. Wait, wait. Oh, damn it! I was mid-sneeze. Oh, really? It sounded like you were mid-something else. Oh, my God! What the hell? I'm sure she's thrilled about getting a call on the pod. So mid-sneeze, I'm sorry. I just. We have. Just give me 30 seconds of your time. I'm sorry for interrupting your sneeze. What do we do about this next game? I'm having a conundrum because I obviously, you know, told Delilah we'd come home for dinner. I want. You know, Giannis' suggestion was why don't you ask Delilah what she wants, but I want to put pressure on her. You tell me. Do what you feel is best, which I don't know what the hell that means. Look, don't put pressure on our 10-year-olds. Right. I knew that, so that was good that I. You need to just do. You need to just do whatever's more important to you. What's more important to you, Chris? That's an answer! That's an answer. All right, honey, so I'll see you midnight. Yeah, so I gotta have feet on the hardwood, babe. Now, let me just talk, because what happens if, you know, tonight we're gonna watch the game, I want to watch it with the family. They're not gonna want to watch it. What if Delilah wants to hang out with her friends when I get home? Like, what do you think of all these scenarios? I just need a little help from you. You're just trying to make. Baby, I already told you what to do, so. Right. So, do you want to come? So, now it's up to you. Like, do you want to make a mistake, or do you want to do whatever? Do you want. But do you want to come? No. No, no, no. I want to put the kids to bed and stuff. I don't want to go. Okay, because also, another scenario is, I gave them your name, obviously. Like, you were gonna be my plus one, but we also had another idea in here. What if, you know, I understand, like, I still went, but then, and I didn't change the guest name. It's just Janice threw on the Marisa wig, and then it was just. And then it's kind of like, and everyone says, hey, Jasmine. I say, you know, and they're like, you look so great. You know? What about that? Is that an option? I don't know if I could pull it off. You don't think you could pull it off? I don't think I could pull it off, because we have, you know. Yeah, it's. I don't know if I could. I'm fine. Yeah, I don't know if. I think people will not believe it. They will not believe it. I don't think they'll believe it. Okay. Alright, so, yeah, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna call the people. Just give everybody an attitude. Right. That's it. I'm gonna call the people at the Nick's office and see, like, what, if it's a problem, because, you know, those seats can't stay empty, and I'm sure there's, they'll get, someone will say yes right away, but. I'm sure. Yeah, because. You're making excuses, because I know that's what you really wanted to do. Just go then. Just go. It's fine. No, but I don't want Delilah, you know, but I, you know, I thought I was coming home tonight. Delilah will survive this. Right. I don't know if you will, but she will. Alright, I'll call you in a little bit. Alright. Can you go back to my sneeze? Yeah, go back to your sneeze if that's what you're calling it. Thanks. Alright. Alright, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Listen, here's the thing, cuz. Yeah. I like when I call you. I like when you pick up, and I know that you never miss a call, because you're using a little thing called. Whoa. You know that we use everything that we promote. Yeah. So, we're gonna tell you about Quo. Quo is the business communication systems built for you never to miss a call. Even if you want to miss it, you will not miss it. Never, ever miss it. Quo, spelled Q-U-O, the business communication systems built so you never miss a call. Today's episode is brought to you by Quo, that's spelled Q-U-O, the business communication system built so you never miss a call. Yeah. You're entire team can handle calls and texts with one shared number. No more missed messages. Drop Conversation is the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3,000 happy reviews. Money is on the line, so you always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash Hyenas. That's Q-U-O dot com slash Hyenas. Alright, guys, I want to give a quick message from today's sponsor, the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. Yes, this is very important if you have a dog. You know, you never know. You go to dog parks, you never know. Dogs sometimes don't always get along. Sometimes they're from different things. Yeah. And you just want to make sure you have some health insurance. So, you know, it's very possible you never know. Yeah. A gang of dogs could gang up on your dog. 100%. You know, if you're in a 911 neighborhood and not a 311 neighborhood. That's the thing. It depends. So when you enroll in ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Plan, you can get a 25 dollar Amazon gift card. It's a little treat. A little treat for you while you're doing something great for your pet. That's really nice. Yes. So if you'd like to explore coverage, visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash Hyenas. That's ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash Hyenas. Eligibility restrictions apply. Visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash Amazon Terms for more info. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or the United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency. Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. I love the way women do it. She has a guy in the house. It's like they don't give you the answer, but they get the answer is in the not. She put it on you. The answer to that, boys, is she's like, you shouldn't be going. She wants you home, obviously. Yeah. But she would say that anyway. Right. That's what women always want you home. Right, right, right, right. What are you going to do? You know, what you did was you, by calling her, now you made it, I think, even worse. Right. Right. You made it worse. She laughed about it on the pod, but what's going to happen is I'm going to get a call privately and she's going to do a little thing we call laying into me. She's going to lay into you and say, yeah, I guess we're not that important to you. Yeah. You know, yeah. You joke around. You say I look like Marisa. Yeah. Like, what the fuck? Yeah. You know, it is a legitimate conundrum. It is a legitimate conundrum. Because I want to be a good father, but I also want to be a good Knicks fan. Right. And if they advance, it gets harder to get those seats. Right. And I already asked. They asked, can I go Wednesday, which would be game two, and they said, that's full. Yeah. So the answer, the option is now or next series. Right. Because I'm on the list, which I'm very thankful to be on the list, but I'm not every game on the list. Ben Stiller and those guys, every game. No problem. What are you going to do to go? Because you obviously want to go. No, but I only want to go because I feel if I don't go, it's a really stupid decision because so many people would want to go. So I'm really making a decision for someone else. You know what I'm trying to say? Yeah. I actually, what makes me feel calmer is me saying, oh, after this pond, I'm just going to drive home. That makes me feel calmer. Right. You shouldn't feel that way because you go to so many. So it's like, it's understandable. Right. If this was like a once, if this was like a one, Nick just can't believe you're not going. Nick thinks I should go? Again, I'm just here to have a good time with my friends, but yes, you should go. Nick. You should bring Nick one time. Should I bring Nick? You should bring. They won't let him in with those shorts. No, but we'll tell him he'll dress up and put a tuxedo on. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Well, you know, you, you know, like, uh, you remember, um, the movie, uh, what's the movie? Clueless. You just take Nick, we take him shopping. Yeah. We throw him on a thing. I used to move my monkey to Stacy Dash a lot. Big. And clueless. Was that because of her political opinions or her? And that, and you know what I mean? I like hot blacks and chubby Indians. That's what I'm into. Yeah. She, it's funny. Like, it's funny. She like, she really turned into a very conservative lady. Yeah. But she will get, she will get cracked open. Well. Yeah. Well. I mean, when she was younger. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. She's almost 60 cuz. Is she? Yeah. 59. Holy. My God. Cuz. We're getting old. It's wild. Right. Almost 60. Yeah. She was 20 years old and clueless. No way. Yeah. 1997. The movie came out. I'm sorry. 30 years old. Yeah. She's 30. So she was, so she was a 30 year old playing a high schooler. Yeah. That's pretty wild. I mean, I think or clueless came out in 96, 97. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny that like they were playing high schoolers and she was 30. 1995. She was 28. Oh my. How old was the other one? Alicia Silverstone. Yeah. And then let's get to the dancing plague of 15, 18. Yeah. We'll get to that. But how did it get to the dancing plague of 15, 18? I mean, she's 60 years old. She's 60 years old. Silverstone's probably similar. No. 49. No, no, no. She was actually. She was really 20. She was. No. High school. 19. She was 19 or 20. Yeah. 19 or 20. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Also a gorgeous lady. So yeah, they just gave her the role and she was 10 years older than her. Yeah. Yeah. Holy macaroni. Yeah. Holy macaroni. Looks good for a 59 year old lady though. 100%. Yeah. 100%. She looks good for a 59. I just can't believe. I have, you know, that's the thing. She's from the South Bronx. I did not know that. I didn't know that either. That she's from the Boogie Down production. I did not. Still doing it. 100%. Yeah. That's a little older. 60 does not look like what 60 used to look like. No. No, no, no. A little thing called peptide. Yeah. I mean, yeah. She was something. Yeah. Remember Vita Guerrera? Remember her? Who's that? She was the best. Best ass in the business. She was like, everybody loved her. When I was high school in my early 20s. My favorite. It was all about Vita Guerrera. Yeah. Vita Guerrera. Look at her. I mean, this is going to make you go. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember her? Oh, yeah. And the ass. Oh, yeah. They're not showing the ass though. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There we go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. That's tough to deal with. Yeah. It's kind of tough to deal with, right? Yeah. It's tough to deal with. Yeah. Did she ever do porn, I wonder? Probably not. No. She just. No. Just like photo. No. Just pics, right? Yeah. I think, you know, she was coming to age in that Maxim era. Yeah. Right. Because she never did porn. Where like girls were getting big money for like just, you know, sexy shoots. Right. Right. She didn't have to do porn. Yeah. That was. But yeah, I mean, Maxim just couldn't keep up. Once porn got on the internet. Right. What do you do with Maxim? Oh, she has an OnlyFans, which makes sense. Yeah. That makes sense. But you have to. Yeah. She was an actress, right? I believe so. Yeah. I don't like OnlyFans. They make it too hard. I tried it once. It sucked. Because they want your info. Yeah. You don't want to give your info. Yeah. I'm not trying to give my info. Yeah. What can you do? They got to make it simple. But listen, I like OnlyFans because it's given a lot of girls make a lot of money on there. Now, we might get dinged on this for YouTube. Yeah. We got to throw this on the Patreon. Why? Well, because if you pull stuff up like this, doesn't it demonetize you, Nick? Am I wrong on that? Well, we don't have to show it. Okay. We don't have to show it. All right. Let's get to the dancing plague of 1518 because we were originally going to talk about- Let's take a hard turn. For today, we were originally going to talk about, we were going to do the resurrection, which I thought was a good idea. But then I thought, we've been doing very heavy religion, very heavy crusades. I said, let's go not religion. Let's go not controversial. Let's just go fun, fun, fun. And Yanni, to his credit, came up with the dancing plague of 1518, which took place in Stroudsburg, Austria, which is Yannis and I have visited. Yes. This was a bunch of, you know, at the time, I think it was like France. It was part of the Holy Roman Empire. The Holy Roman Empire was like Charlemagne, right? They tried to bring back Rome. Everyone's always trying to bring back Rome, but it was just sort of like a confederation of German states. There was plagues. There was poverty. And so in July, summer of 1518, probably very cute in that area. Oh my God. Remember how cute Stroudsburg was? Hope of Mozart. Do you remember how much fun we had in Stroudsburg? We had a good time. I remember I got that chocolate pastry and I was really enjoyed it. Yeah. So what happens is, it's this wild, wild, and this has happened a few times. This is a real phenomenon. We're not, this is documented. This is documented. And it happened a bunch of times in Europe. And the thing that they, that all of them had in common was it was like dire situations. There was like plagues and, you know, and starvation. And high stress, obviously very religious people, Christians that believe the, you know, demons and all that type of stuff. I just took a scoop and a sniff, by the way, live on the pod. I did. I inadvertently was like, if you listen to the Patreon episode, like the German coach, I took a scoop and I took a sniff. Yeah. Because you are right that, because now I'm constantly thinking of it. There's been so many times where I've unconsciously taken a scoop and then sniffed it, but not thought about it. But now I've been thinking about it. I took a scoop and a sniff. There's no way. Once you scoop, you're committed to the sniff. Yeah. You got it. You're committed to the sniff. And we talk about it on this week's bonus episode. So go check it out. It's very fun. So this lady, right? This lady, her name, who knows? Fra Troffi. Fra Troffi. So who knows if she was, if she was a piece or not? Probably a piece. Probably a piece. With fumes though. And I'll tell you why probably a piece. Tell me. Because she started dancing alone and then people joined her. Yeah. So she had to be a piece. Yeah. Because if it was just some fucking fatty out there on the dance floor in the middle of town square. Right. People just, you know, it's just, nobody has it worse than ugly fat chicks. It's just, it's horrible. I don't like that. I don't like it either. But unless she started dancing in the middle of East New York. Right. Nobody's going to join her. Unless she's in the predominantly black community. Right. Right. Right. Makes sense. It's just a bunch of white guys going like, not my type. Yeah. It's just not my type. They're going to leave her alone. If she was a fatty boom baddie. Fatty boom baddie. Yeah. If she was a fatty boom baddie, they would have started throwing buckets of cold water at her. To get her away. Yeah. Well, they would have started throwing buckets of cold water because they would have thought that she got beached. Yeah. And they don't want her to die. They don't want her to die. They're trying to get water on her to keep her alive. They're trying to do the right thing. Yeah. So she starts dancing uncontrollably in the street. Right. Just on a day in July, she starts bugging out and she's not dancing like, you know, she's fucking like a rave. Right. Like, you know, it looks like, you know, you ever go to Fort Greene, you know, Fort Greene Park, which is a neighborhood in Brooklyn and it's a bunch of like Jamaicans and like people. I went to college over there. Yeah. And then you see like a bunch of dirty white people. Yeah. It's all just kind of, yeah, they're just kind of fucking flailing. You know what's a little fun fact about Fort Greene? We're going to do a live podcast from there. Do you know, just recently they were doing a little excavating at Fort Greene. Do you know what they found? What? Like 30 red coat soldiers from the Revolutionary War. Wow. Like full skeletons with the red coats. With the coats on. With the coats on. Because that's how cute they were. They wanted to die with them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were cute. They were cute. The British, they had cute outfits too. Yeah. We should do an episode where we rate cute war outfits. Yeah. We'll do it. Because they were super, I would say super cute. You got to give Nazis number one. Of course. And then the red coats number two. Number two, yeah. Just as far as style goes. Style goes, yeah. I mean, super cute. Super cute. And I kind of like the Japanese Axis power World War II uniforms with those hats with the long things in the back, like kind of running around playing tennis. I like it. I like the World War I German helmets because, you know, they had a nice penis on their head. Yeah. I like that. And you can use that as a weapon as a last resort. It just looked like one big bachelorette party. Yeah. It's what it is. They just had penises on their head. Yeah. Guys, Blue Chew has been on a mission for years to get you bricked up, build your confidence and help you actually perform in the bedroom. They got this new arousal boosting formula, Blue Chew Gold, helping millions of men have better sex in 2026. It is amazing, guys. Getting hard is not the same thing as getting aroused. Getting the solution that does more for both. And you know what that is? You know what that is. Okay. How about more is more? More blood flow, more arousal, more performance. We've all been there. 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And she's uncontrollably dancing. she just won't stop right 10 minutes goes by 20 minutes goes by next thing you know it's an hour two hours three hours 15 hours 24 hours and then no sleeping no sleeping no nothing shitting themselves peeing herself and then just people start dancing with her right so other people just start joining her right and then the next thing you know it gets up to about 400 people wow just dancing so the authorities the medical people whoever they were i don't know what they did back then i don't know who they were they probably like dog catchers slash doctors who knows what the fuck they were witchcraft people priests right they all start bugging out and going what is going on how do we stop this right so they try to contain a few of them but they they have like superhuman strength and they they like flail around and it gets like dangerous right so they decide okay what are we gonna do let's just leave them right and maybe they'll stop they don't stop so then they go okay maybe um maybe if we bring actual because they're just dancing with no music either right so it's a very white right it's a very white thing to do there's no beat and they're just flailing around right and so they go what if we actually brought musicians in right and and and maybe that'll they'll that'll fulfill them and they'll stop right they brought musicians in set up a stage and people started playing music and it just made it worse yeah more people joined right and so they all these people are dancing and they won't stop and most of them danced until they died that's crazy yeah their feet were bleeding yeah they were swollen they were spraying their ankles they weren't feeling the pain this sounds this sounds like a puerto rican barbecue really i mean it is and it has baffled historians and scientists till this day they don't have an explanation for it it's sort of like a mass psychosis thing brought on by stress that seems to be the biggest theory because after we talk about this we'll look at other incidents and what they had in common it was like people were under massive stress to the point where like we as americans what annoys me the most tell me i'll tell you what annoys me the most when people like really shit on america like i'm glad there's differing opinions and freedom of speech and people should always criticize everything that's how you know you got a healthy society it's decentralized power but when they kind of cross that line of like america's like a horrible country i'm going like what are you comparing it to right what are you comparing america to a utopia right yeah we're shitty compared to a utopia but name me a time and place or a country even currently that is better freer has more legal protections yeah that is more anti-racist with legal protections yeah all the things that you complain about what is better than america yeah yeah do you think did you ever have to worry about fucking starvation right yeah i mean it's fucking poor people who are eating dollar burgers at mcdonald's or being who you want to be you think that china was gonna let nick walk around with a hard-on cargo shorts and a hoover dude guerrera mask through a story it's not gonna happen dude it's like so what are we comparing it to because it's it's it's it's stories like this in history that let you know like oh these people had famine disease yes uh plagues yes they were starving people yeah starving and dying like left and right and the doctors were just going i don't know jesus cursed you yeah and that was it now here's the thing with these phenomenons they they play the salem witch trials of the 1600s this uh the dancing plague of 1518 they always go back to this fungus that grows on rye and causes hallucinations and spasms they think a big part of mass psychosis is from the past is this ergot phenomenon now i can see how that could be i could see how something like that a fungus can cause these issues because look at now look at the streets of like say new york city or whatever city you're living in is with all these edibles with with making weed legal look at all the crazy people in the streets now and it's because of these they they overdo it on the edibles and then they start to go crazy and hallucinate so imagine back then without science and all that in ergot fungus could be growing through all your stuff and you are really going crazy but it's very easily explainable yeah this could be like the first rave it could be i mean we don't know like you know this one was documented this was the most documented one right so i don't know i haven't looked into it enough to know if they had uh baby suckers yeah you don't know if they had light they might have had uh fluorescent light right they might have been doing this well vitus a lot of people in religious blamed it on saint vitus that it was a curse from saint vitus who was thought to punish people with uncontrollable dancing so that tells me that saint vitus is a homosexual man it's very because that is a very gay thing to do to be like i'm gonna make everyone dance who knows maybe diplo is a time traveler impossible just peeked in on 1518 and started hitting the wheels of steel it's just what it is this could have been the first dj yeah and i'll tell you what i always like to dance to diplo and i love his music and the kid has got an absolute piece oh i see wife no no his dick oh no chris i didn't know about it google diplo's penis why do you know real quick and then we'll go back to the dancing play 1518 why do you know about diplo's dick yeah it's just what it is yeah diplo has got a fucking hammer cock yeah see where that h is yeah so that he posted he posted some pics they hit my group chat but if you look diplo has got a huge huge huge penis yeah you could find it places diplo yeah he'll get yeah he's got a massive cock it's just what it is here it is diplo because what how why do you know about diplo's piece because i took that picture it's just what it is cuz yeah he's got nice cum gutters too yeah i mean damn kid's got a fucking rocket he's got a rocket and the kid makes about 40 schmill a year yeah the kid they make he just they do well these djs he's not worried about it he ain't worried about nothing he ain't worried about the price of gas yeah but there it is but yeah diplo's dick what the fuck is that his actual penis that's his that's his peepee cuz yeah yeah i mean i tell you what the circumcision whoever did it was really aggressive that kid they removed the whole foreskin he's got nothing even closed nothing i mean he's all chafed down now let me ask you this yeah you said you let me ask because you said there's other points in history that are similar to this 1518 dancing plague what are some of those other ones that you found out about through your research i mean look so there's been other times um where this has happened where this sort of collective behavior has been observed right and um it was all it was times in europe it was close to these times so uh jesse if you could pull up those times yeah because it's mass the problem is is it's mass it's mass psychosis mass hysteria and i wonder if the people during those times just thought of it as like oh these people are crazy we have to deal with it like i wonder if right now if some of the you know some of the political opinions of some of our brothers and sisters if that is going to be considered mass hysteria mass hallucinations by historians come by making your kids trans yeah yeah i mean i don't know but yeah i mean this was um this was something so the outbreak was at that time but also the people i think they thought that these were just people were just possessed by demons right i think it was just guys just trying to get a dance floor because some of these girls were pieces and i think girls were just they wanted to be free a little it's just what it is yeah girl it's not easy in a religious society to be a lady no you can't do it it's just tough now we had the laughing epidemic of 1962 in modern day tanzania um a few school girls started laughing uncontrollably uncontrollably uh it spread through the school then to nearby villages now i don't know if that was it was that that maybe they were listening to the history i was gonna say yeah that or they watched a little matt rife yeah it's probably more like it yeah episode lasted hours or even days and schools had to shut down people were fainting and there's pain and breathing problems then we had the meowing nuns of the middle ages so in medieval france we had a convent that reportedly experienced a bizarre outbreak when nuns began meowing like cats couldn't stop they might have just been horned up yeah um it only stopped when soldiers threatened punishment so that tells you if that one oh yeah i just threw my pencil so soldiers threatened punishment this is often cited as an example of extreme group conformity combined with psychological stress in isolated religious movements and then of course the one we mentioned the salem witch trials where young girls behind began having fits screaming convulsing and accusing others of witchcraft and they all got burnt at the stake yes oh the june bug epidemic in 1962 which we're going through one of those right now in beirut certain parts of brooklyn is going through a bit of a bug epidemic no yeah yeah it's just what it is you know what i'm oh look at this one the leroy ticks from 2011 to 2012 in leroy a group of high school students mulching girls develop sudden facial tics verbal outbursts and twitching and it's called the leroy ticks that's just what it is cuz yeah because they were being loud yeah they were being kind of loud yeah they kept running away from magicians so these are always women my take on this the fungus thing is very um interesting yeah ergo because there was an outbreak during that time 1518 that's where that's possible but what i'm seeing the common theme is like and i've thought about this recently in history i just think women always had it bad right like nobody wanted they couldn't they were so controlled right and like so like kept and like ruled that i think they're just with these times where they just like somebody just lost their they lost lost their mind and others grew and was like yeah i feel that too let's just our lives are miserable right let's just fucking dance till we die yeah it's just what it is so there's some here's some other incidents with the dancing mania 1374 was the biggest wave oh and this was the largest recorded and even the way they even the way they report it right they call it an outbreak yeah spreading across multiple regions of the world and it's multiple cities, Aitjen, one city called Aitjen, another Cologne, we know Cologne, Metz and Trier. - Metz? - Metz. - M-E-T-Z? - M-E-T-Z. - Yeah, Metz. - And Trier. So people danced in the street for days at a time, screamed, hallucinated, convulsed, and begged for help but couldn't stop. So that was another thing in 1518 too. The people were screaming and begging for help. Yeah. So it was almost like they were took over by something. That's why a lot of them thought they were possessed by demons, which maybe they were. Who the fuck knows? But they were screaming out and crying in pain and asking for help and telling, please help me stop. Yeah. So they couldn't. And the same thing happened in 1374. And this wasn't local. It spread like a contagion along trade routes. And chroniclers described thousands of people dancing until they dropped. Right. And then we had the 1237 children's dancing outbreak. In Erfurt. So do you think this is just Germanic, Frenchy, Gauli, like tribal people, like just, you know what I mean? Right. Just like getting wild, getting weird. Just getting wild and weird. I mean, look, this one is like, you know, children reportedly began dancing and jumping on control. I mean, that could have just been a little thing. Because of undiagnosed autism. But then they traveled miles to nearby towns. Right. And they were like, I guess they were traveling and dancing. They were marching. Right. It's like, I don't know what they were doing. And they collapsed from exhaustion. Well, how come it doesn't happen anymore? That's my question. What changed? Why are there no more recent? I think because once whites got around blacks, they got embarrassed to dance. Yeah. Because you ever try to dance around black people, you just get very self-conscious. It's very bad. Yeah. Yeah. When I'm around white people, I feel very confident. I feel good. Yeah. Yeah. Same thing with Latins. You just feel embarrassed. Right. We just, we're not as good at, we're not as good at that. Nick, can you naturally dance pretty well? A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, they're born with it. Yeah. And then we had the 1020 to 1021 dancing mania. And this was in Kolbik or something, wherever the hell that is. Kolbik? Kolbik. It has some squiggly lines over it. So maybe it was like Ottoman territory. Right. A group allegedly began dancing inside near a church. Chroniclers framed it as a divine punishment. The dancers did the same thing. Interesting. Dance for days or longer. This is the, this is one of the earliest documented cases. And this one was tied to religious interpretation. So this is interesting. These dancing plagues have happened through history, but I wonder why they've stopped. Yeah. And then this one, 1278, 200 people danced on a bridge. Any of them die? The bridge reportedly collapsed. So you had a couple of fatty bum baddies on there and survivors were taken to a chapel. So this is just something that's happened. And by the way, so the 1518 stopped for unexplainable reasons in September. So this shit went on from, what was it? July, August and September. And you also have to remember how hot it was. Right. It was summer. So a lot of them died from dehydration. Yeah. And they just, for months, they danced. No air conditioner. Yeah. I think they were just kind of sick of being so rigid and they were starving and desperate. And probably they were, everyone was just praying to Jesus for the harvest. And they were going, look, I don't know. Maybe I love Jesus. But the kids is busy. Yeah. It's just, can we find one person who can figure out how to fucking make corn or something? Yeah. Something. Can we just. Can somebody bake a croissant? Yeah. I don't know. Like, listen. Yeah. I know a lot of people look at history a certain way, but maybe there was no Jews there to help these people with their taxes. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. This is how sometimes I think multiculturalism is good. Right. Because you get different people who are good at different things. Right. Maybe there was just genetic inbreeding. Maybe they're all Germanic inbreds. I don't fucking know. I don't know. You got to marry a Puerto Rican so your baby has a healthy immune system. Yeah. My babies are healthy. Yeah. Yeah. Now, here's my question is we're coming into the end of the episode. We got to do the Patreon names. I have to take what I'd be describing as an emergency shit I'm crowning. Do I keep it in and do I fight for something? Do I have something to play for? Or do we stop that and I take a shit? You stop that and take a shit? But you don't think it'd be funny if we got something to play for? Let's do it. Let's do it. You want to do that? You want to do something to play for? Yeah. Can you get me that pencil that I dropped? Because if I get up, I will shit my pants. Yeah. Thank you, Nick. Yeah. Let's do a high stakes. Yeah. I got to do high stakes because, yeah. I mean, you're actually like, you could shit your pants. A hundred percent could shit. Now, we only got two pages, Jesse. Two in reserve right there. Oh, we got two in reserve. Okay. So now, here's what we got to do, guys, is we're going to have to move through this a little quickly because I am crowning. I do have what I describe as an emergency. We have an all hands on deck shit. And it's one of those situations where the bathroom that we share here, there's always typically around this time, a pretty girl. Yeah. A pretty girl that takes a massive shit. So if she's taking a massive shit in there, I'm just going to have to open the door and shit in her lap. So here we go. Welcome to the patreon.com slash history. Welcome to our newest members. Marvel Malang, Kalbis Kaboom Kabobs. Then we got Egyptian kid living in Canada, AKA Ice Cold Sand Monkey. Put them on the list. Ice Cold Sand Monkey is nice. He's a kid who's just cold up there. Then we got Diddy, AKA $3 Bill Cosby. We've had that. Brian Donaldson, Shane. Shane, Italian kid in Bensonhurst. Call me the Rones Survivor. Put him on the list. Put him on the list. Yeah, the Rones Survivor. That's very inside. We'll explain it to you in the final round. Angelo, Joey De Alessandro. Then we got Call Me Shaggy the way I'll. Wait. Wait. Call Me Shaggy the way I Scooby Glue. Scooby Glue. Scooby Glue like Scooby Glue. He could have just been Scooby Glue. Got it. So I'm going to chicken finger it. All right. Yeah, it's a good one though. Took a blue chew and my glue gun won't stop saluting. Send help. That's a Drexler. It's a Drexler, yeah. Yeah, good one. Christian Whirling, Rusty Blanchard, Preston Glad, Candied Yams with no ham candle cutie, Matt. Okay. Sloam Alley 13, Nicholas Stefan Didis, Fee Five Faux Fum, tucked back shooting rope in my bum. Put him on the list. Wow, okay. He's putting it through his legs and he's shooting his own glue in his asshole. Yes, very interesting. Very funny. Ken Kendall, I can't believe I ripped my shirt off on the potty. That's Tank. That's Tank. Yeah. Welcome, Tank. Then we got Freddie Got Fingered, Cody Nandoa, Morla Donati, Chinese Miner. Oh, yeah. Wei Songxian. You got, it's a walked in one take. Yeah, the Chinese Miner. Oh, shit. Yeah, that is really bad. Yeah. Yeah. Frisbee. Frisbee. Listen, the inventiveness that they go to to slip one past you. Yeah. It's impressive. It's impressive. It's very impressive. Yeah. That's for the end of the year, Tony. Yeah. Walked into one. Then we got Frisbee Connoisseur. Kid likes shoes. Yeah. Liam Schlier, Mike Pirro, Edgar Allen Chohad, James Nassar, Tutty's Toenail Clipper, Eric Kishel, Matt Loretty, Chris is Gay, Chrissy the Bunion, Warlord Khan. Chicken figure. Eat the rich, then eat my ass. Chicken figure. Frank, how you doing? Keep it moving. Eat my rich, then eat my ass. It's a really strong chicken figure. Yeah. Hunter Biden's crack pipe. You know what? Chicken finger. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know. We haven't had that. Yeah. She made her Leroy cock disappear in her bikini. Call her Harriet Houdini. Put him on the list. Just what it is. Put him on the list. Yes. Yes. Yes. Matthew Bloom, Jake Barge. I hold my pride parades on January 6th. Put him on the list. Yes. Just what it is. Just what it is. Sorry about that. God, it's just funny. Yeah. Melissa. Then we got Josephine and the Leroy Runners. Guess Josephine, Trace, and Black Eyes. Josephine and the Leroy Runners. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay. Walked into one. Forgotten genocide monkey from Glendale, California with a back hairy enough to rival that of your worst Jew. So probably an Armenian kid or something like that. Matt Hayes, Gibson Butler match. Then we got. Forgotten genocide monkey is very funny. Very funny. Very funny. Yeah. Then we got. It's coffee, Leroy, or go fuck your mother. Check your figure. Chrissy likes some big, big, big. Sudsy soap, bum kegels. Am I training offense or defense? I knew who he was going for. Yeah. Call me AOC because I'm all out of cum. Put him on the list. Yeah. Okay. Put him on the list. What is he? Yeah. Put him on the list. Michelle Teagarden, Melissa Ross. Uh, Yanni's palms are sweaty, knees, weak balls are heavy. There's come on a sweater already. Lady boy, confetti. Put him on the list. Yeah. It's just, put him on the list, put him on the list. Yeah. Wow. Very dense today. Very dense. We're not going to, we're not going to need the two reserve pages. Cause this is dense with Yuma. We got Yuma. We got a lot of Yuma. Alex Hemphill. Yanni's eyes are closer than the cousins that made them put them on the list. Just what it is. Holy shit. We're dead. These are, yeah, cause this is, this is a Yuma, this is a Yuma Bukkake. This is a Bukkake Yuma. Yeah. Irving Apodaca, Ivan. Wait, wait, wait, go back. Irving Apodaca. Okay. Ivan. I think it's just kid's real name. Yeah. Then we got Tim Dillon made my glue gun green for St. Patty's day. Hashtag is this gonorrhea? Drexler, we can't disparage, but it's very funny. I mean, it's very funny. Drexler. Jerry Rice adopted a Chinese baby and named him chicken fried rice. Latter 14. What do we do with that? Put Dan on the list. We'll put him on the list. Put him on the list. This is the, this is the best list we've had over both Reichs. Yeah, it might be. This is the best list of all time. And we still got about 30 more names. Dude, this is the best list ever. Okay. Then we got walked into one chicken figure. I mean, dude, it's a nonstop Bukkake. Yeah. Ricky Bose, Logan Wagner. Then we got, got a lobotomy and filled it with glue. Now I commit sodomy and listen to you. He glued it on the bottom. We got to stop. It's a fucking avalanche. John Carla DiMaggio, pseudo-menudo. Then we got I am schizophrenic. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Put him on the list. What am I supposed to do? Holy shit. Dude, this is crazy. This is crazy. Joe Hartman, 76. Magic Manziak. Thomas Schroeder. Jeeza Shrouded Cockprint. Turned Me Catholic. What do I do? Drexler. Actually, it's Jeeza's Shrouded Cockprint. Turned Me Catholic. I mean, what do I do? I don't know. Put it on the list. All right, fine. It's a good one. It's a good one. John A. Light's Pinky Ring. Chicken Finger. Brad Morgan, William Broslin, Anthony Slotman, Miles Rubisoff. Disc Golf Champion. The Way I Want to Put Frisbees in Chains. Tony, take note. Then we got Caucasian Debris. Top Shelf Zaza. Disrupted My Circadian Rhythm. Kate Kelly. Chrissy Can't Make Josephine Come. I'm glad I'm 14. Small piece, but still too big to fit between Giannis' eyes. Put him on the list. This is what it is. Called Ice on Myself so I could skip the line at TSA. Okay, it was a good try. Paul, Marshall, Richie, Adam Fredenberg, Cesar Chavez, Student Union, Luca Faithful, Timothy Mongeau, USA Kid, Red Coat Dad, You Tell Me When, Blake Daniel, Gays of Hormuz, Nick Williams, Balls Like Shaquille with a Piece Like O'Neal, Took So Many Peptides, My Nephew Calls Me Gunkle, and Ryan Jay. So we got a lot of people on this list. You think this is the strongest list of all time? Of all time. There's no question about that. I've never experienced a list, and I just want to keep talking. Maybe you shit yourself, so that's also fun, because I know you want to carry it up. But isn't it funny that on the list where he wanted it to go quick, it ended up being the longest list? Of all time. I mean, that just lets you know the simulators God has a sense of humor. Yeah, they have humor. Because you're like, I got to take a shit. They got humor. They just gave us the best list of all time when you happen to maybe shit your pants. So here we go. And I've never done a list. I swear to God, we've never had a list where I was actually hoping that there weren't any funny ones more. Yeah. Because we had enough. I've never had that feeling where I was like, hopefully there's no more because it'd be too hard. Too hard. Here we go. So we got Egyptian Kid Living in Canada, a.k.a. Ice Cold Sand Monkey. Right off the bat, we know we're going to Drexer that. Drexer, okay. I mean, it's just- Great, but yeah. Wrong era. Then we got Italian Kid in Bensonhurst, Call Me the Roan Survivor. We got to keep that around. We got to just keep it around. Yeah. Good wordplay. And the reason why that that's impressive is because Bensonhurst has become a mostly Asian neighborhood. Right. Where it used to be Italian. Right. Then we got Fee-Fi-Foe-Fum, Tuck Back, Shootin' Rope in My Bum. We're going to Drexler it. Okay. Any other day. Wrong era. Okay. Clyde Drexler. Then we got She Made Her Leroy Cock Disappear in Her Bikini, Call Her Harriet Houdini. We have to just- Yeah, Harriet. Yeah, we just got to keep it around. I Hold My Pride Parade on January 6th. We're going to- Borderline walked into one, but it's a really good one. We're going to have Drexler it. Okay. Then we got Call Me AOC, because I'm all out of cum. We're going to chicken finger it. Okay, yeah. I'm all out of cum. It's very inventive, though, and very funny. Very good. Then we got Giannis' palms are sweaty, knees weak, balls are heavy. There's cum on his sweater already, ladyboy confetti. Ladyboy confetti is very fun. We just got to keep it around. We got to keep it around. Yeah. Giannis' eyes are closer than the cousins that made them. Got to keep it around. Yeah, it's nothing we could do. Nothing we could do with that. Then we got got a lobotomy and filled it with glue. We're going to Drexler that. Okay. No, you're not. Not, yes, I- Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I am schizophrenic. No, you're not. Yes, I am. It's just so inventive. Then Turin me Catholic. That's so good. I mean, it's so good. Keep it around. Then we got small piece, but still not big enough to fit between Giannis' eyes. The other one is better. That's the problem. That's the problem. Okay. Yeah. Okay, we're narrowing it down. One, two, three, four, five, six. We still have seven. Jesus Christ. All right. All right. I'll go back from the beginning. Yeah. Italian kid in Bensonhurst called me the Rhone survivor. So good. Got to keep it. Is it a little inside? It's the only week. But that's not, it's not his fault. It's not his fault, but if it has a weakness, I don't know. The Rhone survivor is great. Rhone survivor is funny. What do you think? Well, I think we compare that to the Jerry Rice one. We got two Asian jokes. If you had to just do like a bracket. Right. What are you doing? You taking out the Jerry Rice one or are you taking out- We're taking out that one. We're taking out Rhone survivor? Yes. All right. It's very unfortunate. We have to do this. This gets hard. That one for me has got to stick. It's got to stick around. Yeah. Giannis's palms are sweaty, knees weak, balls are heavy. There's cum on his sweater already. Okay. Sticking around. Giannis's eyes are closer than the cousins that made them. That's got to stick around. It just has to. I mean, that's probably the best- All right. Well, let's do the bracket again. Two Giannis ones. Which one? Well, we got rid of the other Giannis one. No. We have two Giannis ones. What are they? Because we have Giannis's palms are sweaty, knees weak, balls are heavy. Ladyboy confetti. Yeah, but that's not an eye joke. But there are two Giannis ones, because then Giannis's eyes are closer than the cousins that made them, which I think is extremely inventive. That's the best joke. Because we have to make hard cuts here. I know. I mean, the best joke that's ever been made about my eyes. So then that, Ladyboy confetti's probably got to go then, because that's not going to beat that. But what's funnier than Ladyboy confetti? I don't know. What's funnier than that? Okay, but let's go back to the rules that we go by. If it was just Ladyboy confetti, that would be good enough. Keep them both. Keep them both around for a second. Let's see what else is there. Jerry Rice adopted a Chinese baby. We got to keep that one. Okay. You got to keep that one. Then we got, I am schizophrenic, nor are you not. Yes, I am. Okay, that one is so good. Dude, I'm not doing, this is like Sophie's Choice. Okay, so Jesus. I'm not killing all my babies. Jesus shrouded cock print, Terin Mecathic can go. We can get rid of that one. Okay. But only because it's such a strong list. Because that could have been a winner. That could have been a winner. So then we got, she made her Leroy cock disappear in her bikini, call her Harriet Houdini. Now that, you guys aren't having. That is very funny. It's a trans black man. It's very funny. And again. A good tuck job. Any other list, but I do think, because we really got to be picky now, I think that should go. Okay. So I think it's really, we're down to really four ones that are really difficult. Can you imagine we're down to four? Yeah. This is the fucking best list of all time. Then we got, Giannis' palms are sweaty, knees weak, balls are heavy, there's cum on his sweater already, lady boy confetti. Gianni's eyes are closer than the cousins that made them. Too good. Too good. Jerry Rice adopted. The Chinese baby and named him chicken fried rice. Or I am schizophrenic. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Dude. Do we have to? Do we have to? I think this goes to the fans, man. I think it really does. I think we should whittle it down to two. How do you whittle that down? You got to get like really particular. Like, I agree with Jesse. You have to lose one Gianni. One Gianni? And I personally think the lady boy confetti's got to go because Giannis' eyes are closer than the cousins that made them is really a layered, very, very good joke. And it's really difficult. So we've had so many close Gianni eye jokes. Okay. So here's what we're going to do, though. Here's what we're going to do. Yeah. There's no way we're letting, there's no way lady boy confetti is getting out of here without, without some sort of prize. Okay. Okay. Because if you're jerking off the transport, you call your glue lady boy confetti. Yeah. And so what? Welcome to the lexicon. What I'm going to do, Tony, can you take lady boy confetti and put it on the lexicon on our website? Because now that is what you call your glue. If you watch a transport. It's lady boy confetti. And that's the definition. And if a lady, if you, if the lady boy comes. Yeah. And that's just what it is. And it won't, and if you get some on your sweater, you have lady boy confetti on your sweater. You got lady boy confetti. You're, you're, you've, you've made it into the lexicon, but you didn't win this one. That's what it is. So you got a prize. So it's really between Gianni's eyes are closer than the cousins that made them. Jerry Rice adopted a Chinese baby and named him chicken fried rice or I am schizophrenic. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Okay. Those are the three. Right. I mean, but should we whittle it down to two? So the phones, fans can just pick which one. Okay. So you have, you have schizophrenic. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Not as laugh out loud funny. Right. But extremely inventive. Right. So we're going to chicken finger that. Okay. Okay. So here's your choices at patreon.com slash history hyenas. That's where you get involved. That's where you become a part of the show. Not only do we have bonus content and extra stuff like that, but you get to vote. You get to vote on who the winner of the week is. This is the toughest list we've had in the past eight years. So go to patreon.com slash history hyenas and cast your vote for Yanni's eyes are closer than the cousins that made them or Jerry Rice adopted a Chinese baby and named him chicken fried rice. I bet you, I guarantee you this one's going to be split down the middle. We may have to do like something else. We may have to tell on the wives after that. We might have to do something. All right. Episode continues at patreon.com slash history hyenas ad free and fun, fun, fun. With summer coming to an end, you're going to be spending more time indoors. Get your home ready and save up to 50% off custom window treatments during the Labor Day Mega Sale at blinds.com. From room darkening to light filtering shades, finding the perfect fit is easy. Get free samples, expert design help and professional measure and install services or DIY with confidence and support every step of the way. 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