Dana Carvey and David Spade | Club Random with Bill Maher

Well folks if you're gonna spend money on something and it's well-be something you actually like that's what I always say that's where the club random merch store comes in that's right get yourself a cozy hoodie look at this this is really well designed that's right get yourself a cozy hoodie to snuggle away your sorrows or some new club random shirts look at all this shit I have to attract a partner with similar interests and live happily ever after I've seen crazy around comes so head over to clubrandom.com and bring home some random you guys are kind of like that exactly but which you guys were dancing around it for long it's a lot like a coach saying you get hurt this guy's gonna go in for you and you might not get a job back but you wouldn't say it with purposely cruel club random bill comes in a little later you kind of wait oh hello this is going to be the party started see this nice is is everything wrong what's going to well I'm gonna need more Kleenex than I said spelling you know here you are was kind of the perennial senior mochi far right you got like the Troy don you see man care you know he would I mean I know I'm gonna need more than I know after a while the walls kind of close in and the shot classes look like you're in depositories or in 1957 with a huge cat how many people the young people watching this have any idea who we're meditating Dennis Miller I know it's harder when he does like Vincent Price and so it's so depressing no what people like under 30 well they miss out on Dennis Miller who is well Dennis in our certain demographic for us oh yeah well wait a minute what do you mean no but you know Henry Fonda nobody wants him what Henry Fonda is out of the business now nobody wants Henry Fonda I know people who don't know Jane Fonda yeah hmm kids don't know anything I know I talked to a girl there was a Led Zeppelin song I go do you know this as she goes I have a Led Zeppelin she goes I know him if I saw him and I go well that's actually a whole ban and she is dude I don't know who room five is all right I'm young and your old is her problem you were one of the few people I can talk about about young no no those days are over I'm really I'm all them me and Dana oh thank you you saw that right I did I didn't want to say is that a standard protocol yeah bring it in the late that's my buddy queen x girl yeah I'm like just just glean it yeah you had Woody Allen here I that one I know me away fuck yes fucking amen thank you I love doing that that was he well well we there there's moments where it's be careful about meeting your idols syndrome okay but he's still Woody Allen and you know there were things that I didn't love but he's not a child molester look you throw it is best decade is worst decade I read his book and I watched the documentary the book is amazing the book is extraordinary because you're hearing it all in his voice I wanted him to be here the way he was say the things he said in the book right sometimes he didn't which is like you know he just really I think he's 90 and it was just like you know I mean I defended him most seriously about that with nothing for me in it no including going against my own network which put out a documentary yeah I criticized yeah and I would any day criticize it because it only presented one side the me a very obvious yeah it was called Alan V Farrah but it was really me a story it's called he's guilty no me his name he's guilty that's what they're saying yeah he's guilty that's it that's what but he's not I don't that's kind of what that tilt was there's being a child molester which is evil and then there's being accused of being a child molester which is its own kind of incident because what if you're not and you're tainted forever we'll be right back with Bill Mars seriously don't forget to hate us in the comments hate us early but and often but you would concede that there's a big difference between an actual child molester and me and David's pay why why why why are you because I got looped in last time you're the only one right I can talk to well and I see you could talk to me I have no judgment at all of you guys dating women or younger women all as long as our of each what what's with my business all right back no we're not saying you but but we certainly have society have we not gotten shit about Peter Pan complex and okay yeah well you do have a Peter Pan Con well this is on the funny thing is if someone says and this is always the same loopy conversation but if someone says okay some guy dated at 27 year old news older and they go he's married I mean you know pull that shit when you're single you're married if you're single hey do whatever you want and then you're single do whatever you want they go I wouldn't like that either can I make an observation because I like to no this is not the forum for that it's random biochemistry is interesting genetic predispositions are interesting yeah for some reason my as I've gotten older my brains evolved into being attracted to older women um and if you don't have that brain chemistry because we all want the playboy bunny in high school right and I just moved on that's all you you're sick you're sick I'm like you're not you're lucky lucky I do find older women really at my wife's very very attractive that is a that is that is it's not that is I'm sure you're being honest and no and it's just something that is rare mm-hmm it's just be honest about the facts of it it's rare it's more what's going on in our brains and I'm always going to rope you in I mean I mean come on I'm new or born in the refuge is it well I kind of slow down look I also I will say to my friends I also didn't want to leave her that I didn't like anyone knowing that Pete Davidson is he's got the new ass now they would say oh you're kind of like what's good but I think he was so outward with it I wanted to warn him and say don't do that because then no one talks about the comedy you know they got to say what your job is they they can't just say oh you date this person they that that's that's the danger I will say when I go to club diversity this you're let forget the comedy clubs so let's say I was there's a famous actor that was a homosexual gay guy right and you would know him and why did it double I met almost sexual gay guy I was trying to make sure I know and he just be you know you know well and so it's Mark Gurman so all three of our manager so this this guy met and conveniently he was probably around 60 something he had his nephew with him at all times so and I go by the third time like this guy's got so many 15-year-old nephews but in that situation no one says a fucking word you know what I mean it now everyone knew it was going on but me and sometimes there's a twink situation where it's kind of baked in we go oh that's just how that situation is and you go well that's worse there's a difference between girls just want to have fun yeah and this girl is a woman now and it's about like from 18 I would say 21 22 they just want to have fun experimental doing very stupid things just like men very soon after that it changes by the time usually they're 25 they're maybe thinking about settling down or he's finding somebody real okay bet that man we can go into our as we did 50s right and we're basically still living the life we were when we were in our 20s yeah I mean I also think there's married guys that are just it's more normal to be a married guy cheating with a younger girl and they go well that's what happens but if you're still single and haven't married I think you've been married and so that's a little bit of a sort of you yeah so that's a little bit of a stigma where people get some free shots like never been married I'm like I would be more normal if I was married and divorced and then be like well at least you did it well that's why they have the expression confirmed bachelor and I would say you two are confirmed doesn't that mean something else does it mean it doesn't have another meaning I know Paul because it's a confirmed bachelor Paul Lynn Paul Lynn you know that was covered that I think that's the cover yeah well okay well let me tell you they didn't know Dennis Miller they're not going to pull yeah I listen I know our references are fun you know what I do this for the young people I'm never going to get the ones who don't care about like a million things that I care about which is probably 90% of them but 10% are always very smart and they're like probably we were when we were at that age which is we were more interested in something we didn't know like like if Johnny Carson was talking about something or some guy he was you know Jack Benny I'm like who's Jack Benny I wanted to know yeah yeah there are still those kids and that's that's who Uncle Bill is here for well we are demographic grew up on old comedians from radio Jack Benny I would say yeah George Burns yes it's a nice show but I when I I was a kid, I thought those are the more corny. Whoa. - I didn't find them. - I'm sure the ones you found-- - They were old. - Funny, it was like Abbott and Costello. I never saw them on television, but I thought Abbott and Costello meets Frankenstein. When I'm 10, we're really funny. - You never saw Abbott and Costello on television. They were on. - No, did I misspeak when I saw them on television? - Oh. - The movie replaying on television. - Yeah, but their show was on too. - Oh, then they had that in the '50s. - Were the ones where they come out in front of a curtain in the beginning. - That is so charming, you know, and they would do-- And then there was a film section, you know, which was more like a sitcom. But they themselves would come out first. - And the Colgate comedy hour. - And they would do a little monologue. - I was more than I'm too young for that, but I was too young. - I was-- - Murr griffin. - Murr griffin. - No, maybe. - I caught the tail end of Murr griffin. I was too young. - Yeah, when I started things-- - A lot of people did. (laughing) - In Firm Bachelor. - I didn't know he was in Firm Bachelor, was he? - Murr griffin. - I'm young. When I was seven, the greatest tombstone ever is out there and for a long while. - I will not be right back. That's his thing. - Oh really? - Yeah, I will not be right back. - Wow, that's real? - Yeah, that's not a hit. - Murr griffin. - Yeah, he was just a delightful man. And look, I don't know what-- - He was. - He was. - The public thing is-- - He's fine. - It's not, I don't think it's a big secret. Murr griffin, but he couldn't have been more delightful. I remember doing a show when I first started. Did you ever do that? - Were you a stand-up on it? - No, I was in the audience, but-- - With Arthur Treacher as the sidekick. - Arthur Treacher, who had a string of, at one point, fast food, fish and chip places. - Treachers. - I worked at it. And if it could New York when I was in Cornell. - Oh, funny. - Yes, I threw pieces of fish better. - Hey, I'm doing a book on boring stories. Can I use that? - You know what? I'm just gonna call it, let's start, and our guest is there. - No, we're a club brand. - We gotta start. - We gotta start. - So anyway, nice, funny that was totally out of nowhere. - What? - I just wanted to change something because this is kind of funny. I wanted to ask you about this if you thought it was funny. - Let's do it. - It's a sports story that Odell Buckham, you know, Odell Buckham, he was kind of whining that he goes, "People think it's a lot of money "and you're set for life if you have a $500 million deal." And everyone kind of went, "I would think most people "would think that would be fine." And he said, "First of all, you take 49 way for taxes." Everyone starts going, "Now we're getting nervous, "we're trying to live on 60- - Lawyer Agent Manager." - Yeah, so then he got, but then I kind of was like, I still don't get it because 60 million over five years, and he kept trying to talk, I wanted him to say, "You can't live on this." I'm like, "Well, I think most of the world could." - Define living. - Yeah, and he goes, "First, you got to buy your mom house "and you got to buy yourself a house." - Well, then you could grab another house. - But where is that? - If it's in most of the world, a million dollars. - Did you buy anyone houses in your lifetime? They'll just hear, then choose around you. Parents, relatives, sister, friends, yeah. - Yeah, sure, something like that. - Yeah. (laughing) - Or other kinds of friends. I want to do something next year about celebrities, not to get too political, but they just make it worse. - She's a whole career, we thought. - No, I mean with you guys. - I got you. - They just make it worse celebrities do when they speak, and they're almost always on one side of the political divide. - Yes. - And that's basically the side I vote for. You know, as I always say to my woke friends, we voted to the same person, you're just why she lost. They, I could gather, and I think I will, 'cause it'll be funny. Just the incredibly stupid things that celebrities say about politics or finance or something. - Yeah, we're bad. - And then, so if you're like the person out there going, well, how can you live on a hundred million dollars a year? Vote, come on, I'll have to say. - Well, that's the game over. People are like, yeah, I can't let the country in the hands of these people. I'll vote for this guy who's crazy, but at least this kind of crazy. I can almost relate to more. - You can't have movie stars and colleges that are, we know have hundreds of millions of dollars lecturing you. It's just the elitist thing that came out of all that, you know, the Democrats. It wasn't a positive thing. They are not gonna do that in 2028. I bet they'll have regular people on it. - You're so thoughtful, Sam. - He's very smart about this though. - Yeah, he really is. - I have a lot of opinions, but I haven't told you. - You should do the show then. My show, my other show, my real show. - I did it, but I didn't say it till the end. But like you could, Robin Williams did it a couple of times and, oh, very crazy. Oh, Fereini had a wet dream. Oh, oh, Mr. Happy. Oh, Jackie Gleason, the ghost of Jackie. Oh, Paul Newman, it's tiny man, tiny penis. Oh, sorry. I love Robin, you know. Oh, it's very good, Bill. - But he's very good. He's very good with him, very soft. Oh, oh, it's fantastic. - He really thread the needle. I thought, so well, and Martin, sure, also, between like, you know, it could be serious like you can, one minute, and then be this, you know, crazy clown. - He's fucking clown. - Yeah, it's great. - Because you are both those people. - Yeah, no, I read a lot of stuff. I have a lot of opinions. I'm fascinated by the political situation, and I'm fascinated with how quickly society has changed, you know, with AI, and the ramifications of that, and that the fed lower the interest rate again today by a quarter point. - Well, you guys both have all your hair, huh? - I'm not as fascinated about that. - Well, the rest is in the car. - Oh, yeah, no, the hair is looking good today. - Really good. - We all have similar hair. - Well, you? - Not as much. I mean, be thinking of it because I was like, when you did Biden, what did they put a ball? - Well, they had a ball cap, and then a white, or, you know, it's color, yeah. - But how do they get all that hair under a ball cap? - They just slick it down so hard and tassel, you know. - Let me do my Biden poem. I did it on your show, but just the bottle. - We push it. - All right. (laughing) - The non-sequitur Biden. - This was the guy that was running the country. - And guess what? And by the way, the fact of the matter is, I mean, serious here. Come on, get your facts straight. Jack, okay, that's it. - And scene. - This is almost like haiku, right? - It really is. - No, he literally said, guess what? - I know. - And by the way, the fact of the matter is. - But the rhythm of it. - The rhythm of it. - That's what your comedy detector is so amazing at. You find those rhythms, you know, they-- - I love it. That keys me into it. - George Borscher. - Whatever it is, you find a rhythm to it. A musicality. - I have one thing I can say is Billy Bob Thornton from Landman. - I love Landman. - Later, you can either sit on my deck or suck my dick, but you gotta make up your fucking mind. (laughing) - Yeah. - Do you watch that show? - All the time. - I love that show. - Well, Billy Bob Thornton's rants or speeches are just gold, you know, I mean, they're Taylor Sheridan, I guess, write some form, but Billy Bob Thornton. - Do you see, I mean, I see his name on every show. Like he can possibly write that, right? - Yeah. - But yet, I must say that his dialogue is so good. I mean, sometimes I'll be watching like a major movie. Like that just came out and finally, finally, like, three weeks after it was in the theaters. Now it's on my TV. - Sure. - And I'm watching it, and I'm watching half-hour, but I'm like, okay, it's all right. I know this is a big, it's gonna go to the Oscars. - Yeah. - And then I watch Landman and I'm like, this is better. This is better than, like, I know it's supposed to like the other thing more, but it's actually not as good. - Well, you wanna, at this point, - My landmatch would send me a fucking blood job. - Landman does get a lot of praise. - Bill, fuckin' Mars, we got the best show on fucking television. - Well, I didn't exactly say that, but. - No, I like it. I'm entertained. I just go by that. Like, is it calming my brain down? Can I just get everything out of the way? You know, lately, my wife and I just had a desperation went for the classics. All the presidents' men, who way more fucking brilliant than I remembered. - But I thought you were fucking all the time. (laughing) - Just a little bit, "Chill, am I there, Bill?" You know, so many people make it to be what an advanced stage, they can make what be at an advanced stage. And the box say that it's safe as long as the ticker as it can co-operative in that sense. - And so off to Bill Mars, you're on my guest. And, you know, he's a very popular stand-up. He plays, he asserts laughs a lot in my desk, though. - I'm headlining, I'm crying to you guys. - Oh, you are on tour. - I'm on tour. - Look at that. You made me remember, for once in my life on this, you know, you'd do lots of the right plugs. Where are you, where are you gonna be, Dave? (laughing) - In the second day, now, where's number one? - Yeah. - I think you're right there, huh? - Yeah, yeah. - Show me Choco Hutch, Uncle fuckers. - No. - No, what is your tea feathers? You remember that one? I'm not playing there. - It'll just be a regular theater tour. - Yeah, like what city? - Avis Bay, dot, Salt Lake. - Salt Lake City. - Salt Lake. - The Mormons are wild, right? - Yeah. - Like, oh, like good. - That reality shows people for TV. But I don't know if it's real. I don't know if it's real. - I wish. - Or Mormon women going crazy. - I heard about it. I never saw it as good. - I saw eight seconds of it. Then I put on Landman. - Got it. But what's in for real what's the funniest name of a comedy club you've played a real name? I There's got busters. There's rib ticklers. Oh rib tickler and Minneapolis room. Yeah Catcher rising star Because it's just such a we're used to it because we played it, but it's a cool name Or is it I just think we got used to it and yeah catcher rising. So I've the you were hearing it for the first time Yeah, I feel like I'd be offended. I'd be like an epic man reality show kind of competition show Well, I mean, I guess you sometimes did catcher rising star there. That is true. You were there I was there a star. Yeah, my my SNL audition. I think was a catch Oh, yeah, you weren't in New York. I know they They you went there. Yeah, they saw me on the young comedian special and we went out me Schneider and Tom Kenny I saw something list. I was looking going through and there was like David Spade and it was like, oh, there's a David Spade special It's like oh good. I taped it. I'm DBR it and I it was like you from like 2008 or something you're at there. Oh Tempe improv tempi oh that one. Yeah, but it was so funny. Yeah, and like stuff that that was dated was like well It has this extra sort of historical dimension. I don't mind. You know, we're we're not talking about scrubs anymore Yeah, yeah, or whatever. You're right. You're right, but it's so you see But it's like because I'm like my brain can't like process that and go. Yeah, he doesn't look like that anymore either Right, but sometimes you Stomach like sometimes I see old bits. I did and I thought they were really good. I was proud of him someone is good But you still see ones and I don't love that stand-up is so like do a special throw an hour away do a special I don't think you do that. You're not out as much, but I do a lot of it. Oh, yeah I just got a golden globe nomination for the one I did really that's my yeah Yesterday you how often you get nominated for your specials nothing I used to get nominated for everything. Yeah, and then oh and then the wokeness came in and then I was considered Conservative with are you bad? Oh because so they I was so what I call soft cancelled. Yeah, where you know, you know You know why I'm a Bill Clinton liberal Which is from the 90s, which is now called a not far right? Right. Yeah, so this is the first time in a while I've been nominated for something okay, which I think shows a little bit that we are coming out of the wokeness I mean I'm gonna I'm not gonna win and I'm probably not even gonna go But I take it as a victory that they were not able to ignore how good that special was I just say it's my last one. I'm gonna say I'm not gonna lie. It's just a really good special But you know, it's not it's not one that the woken watch and not throw up because I call their shit out where it's and the fact that people laughing shows that it's funny You when you do stupid things It's funny and the left did a lot more stupid things in the last five to 10 years and I'm a comedian. I go where the gold is And it's hitting the side of a barn To make fun of some of this sure it's serious. I mean if you think you know, I mean I quoted like Very esteemed publications like the Atlantic or saying things like you know subriding sports by sex doesn't make sense Well, if that's not of course If you can't if anybody can't do five minutes on that. Yeah or Mr. Beast who is helping disabled people and the Washington Post guy was tweeting like Oh, he thinks disability is something that needs to be solved Exactly but they hate that but the fact that they nominated this sells me okay I think we are coming out of the peak woke error. It is a little different. I can do a joke now With Obama Going to preschools or to going to primary school and teaching Kids lessons through mercy rhymes What do that sound like? Yeah, Jack and Jill went up the hill That's awesome. That should pay all the water Jack Jack looked at Jill and Jill looked at Jack And Jill said I'd like to be a jack too So Jack and Jack came down the hill so that's a double whammy of a trench and I tell the honest it was just too good You mean that was something that they found to be controversial? Um, no, I just I just started doing it. It gets a lot of laughs It should yeah, it should it but it's it's not anti-trans. It's just funny It's funny, but you were worried that it was at one point that it was gonna be too Sometimes you're in a really sort of sort of kind of audience people will go a little quiet. You say trans It's it's really sounds anti-trans. Yeah, okay. Well, you know my audience is trained I guess not to because I'm gonna go. You do have good crowds by the way. Yeah, because they you know, I mean have been around Fucking seven. Yeah, they've been I've been around so they show you seem like always a 33 years from from when's literally a record You know, it should be a world record. It should be I mean so there have been shows that about a long I think meet the press Oh, yeah, okay, you know, not tonight live not a hard choice. I don't lie 50 meet the presses. I mean, that's amazing Uh-huh. You guys should have done that show you would have which one meet the press now. No, that's it I'm sorry. I'm a young person What is that that's the news? You'll find that Bill is fair Um, he could be a little incendiary when he wants to but he's basically like a really good guy. He's never hosted. Have you hosted? Let's not get into that. Okay now. Well, I can make a call. I don't want it anymore Do you want to show that one? Yeah, but I think it'd be great for him now because you're out there and you're You know, yeah, they blew it You know, it's a hard show to host. We were saying today that you you know, we weren't allowed to do commercials when we were on Yeah, I only got one offer, but Dana got a bunch, but yeah They and now I was looking at some people I follow and SNL not only do the commercials on TV But they're Instagram like every other thing is a commercial paid ad paid at good for them So they can break it in from all sides now. I know and it wasn't that way SNL cast members. Oh, yeah, Hans and Franz. We were we were Nike contacted SNL or us and saying Hans and Franz for just do it. We were gonna do the first campaign. Wow Yeah, just do it. I got the copy and everything Yeah, yeah, yeah, you lose it And then we were told we just it's not what we do here You know, and now they have conehead oven mitts and the store SNL store, but that was just that time that era 80s 88 You're selling out so you could have made big bank cars. Yes Yes, my second year. I got a diet Pepsi Super Bowl commercial and they wanted like they go Your mind is a Michael J. Fox like an untalented one. I go great So I said I'll take it and then it was 250 grand. I never never say money But for me I was making for we that's a lot of thousands of year on us Why are you so shy about giving your dates? Your oh my date might I said your like you're Why are you trying to keep it a secret? No, I don't know where you go. I mean I thought it's on my website But I would say I'm going to Dallas, San Antonio Um, that's all I know Really? No, I can't remember Yeah, you're on the road like all of 26 right? No, the first half and first half we're supposed to start and you go like from once Did the other without going home? No, I don't do that. Oh, I don't I never did you do that? I do Just want you out and back this weekend. I do three weeks into the home after the second city. That's hard to do Why? Well, if you have a plane, it's not as bad. That's what I did. Yeah, but what about climate change? Yeah, what about climate change? Uh, I'm not sure that like you fucking I'm not sure adding one more play To the like what 8,000 flights a day. How dare you yeah, where's your dad? You I mean bring her in Uh, the biggest airline in India alone has 2,000 flights a day So I don't know if me Going to the truck look and driving back no no human being that kind of for private jets does not fly them The only one is Greta Thunberg. I give her credit But once she goes to places they don't like what she's doing. They put her on a plane. She's very But here's a fun fact for you. You might appreciate this So during the Biden administration they wanted to suppress the volume of cowherds with ranchers Because cows contribute to global warming. So we have the lowest we have the lowest herd that we've ever had So now they're trying to get more cows that dragged in there. They're gonna get cows. They're gonna get cows to well Have intercourse and make more cows. I can top that you can top that the fire We had here Yeah, well, okay, well, why are we getting a pause for a fire pause? I just said fire and you both like did a bit on fire Oh, can I make the fire start caveman fire? Oh He's like how everybody reacts to fire what didn't what Dennis Miller, but what do you say about fun? Hi Thanks, you know I prefer like, you know two diesel batteries in a flashlight put in a pinch off light up A brush or something and see my way through the estuary. Okay, Carvey I love Dennis. He is what about we had fires now. Okay, so can you admit that Dennis Miller is brilliant. He is okay He has a great. Yeah, we said state of the art lady too. Yeah Um, but The milk vetch was a plant, like a weed, that what they insisted that it was endangered, and it's one reason we had so much brush, 'cause they, and the fire, ironically, causes, like, I don't remember the number, but way more times, pollution. - Oh, yeah. - Then, like, getting all the cars, - Oh, yeah. - All the cars that we made better since the beginning of this century, we lost all that progress with the air in that one fire. - From the milk vetch? - And, well, that's one, it's a contributing factor. What I'm saying is, they went over, I'm an environmentalist, too, but, like, by saving the milk vetch, they, it contributed to a fire that did far more environmental damage. - Who knew at one point, Trump was right in his own childlike way, 'cause he's too rainy goes, "We got it, we got to rake the luge, you got to rake it." You got to find it, you got to rake it, you got to rake it, like, you wouldn't believe, and you rake it, and you keep raking it until you don't have to rake, but you can rake it, and you know how to do it. And so, yeah, force management, and it's a tragedy, and let's, you know-- - The fires are such a mess here, the fires, and putting them back together. - Yeah. - I don't get into all that, but you just know it's just nothing is going smoothly. - So, we're older than you, by how much? - 10? - 10, how old are you? - 60. - Okay, yeah, we're 10. - This is it? - Yeah, and we're 70, right? - Yeah, we are. - Yeah. - So, okay, I'll drink that. - I'll drink that. - That's why you can be, I was on the road at 60. I just quit last year. - Now, 60 years, there's too much hiring now. - Steve and Martin Shorter on the road, and they're fucking all over the place. - Yes. - And they're strong and doing it, it's hard to get. - One caveat to that. - To be Martin said, he couldn't do it without Marty, and maybe Marty feels the same. - Right, Steve Martin gets to tune his banjo for 20 minutes, they really do, you know-- - Yeah, that's not why I quit, but-- - 'Cause you couldn't tune a banjo? - No, it wouldn't have helped to have a partner. It was, I still have to drag my ass out to sit. - It's still a beating. - Even on a jet, though. I just found out about him, and we did a bunch of cities, and it's still, it's way better, but you're still different times on it. - You didn't know it was how you're still at home. - You're still at home. - Even the nicest hotels. I'm sorry, but whoever raised the Gen Z Millennials, they just, they, the work ethic was not like, the top of the, I'm just, I know that's a broad brush, but I can't help but notice that things changed a lot over the course of the time I've been on the road. I mean, the simple ability to get a message from one person who works there to another, not a complicated message, you know, just like put a fan in the room. - Yeah. - Just a little floor fan, sometimes I can't get it as cold as I want, it helps, if you're not counted. - Oh, absolutely, and these are five-star hotels. - Absolutely, absolutely, sir, we, it's in the room right now, you get this not there. You know, like, you know, you're assistant, and again, these are my $100 million problems, but at least I've been admitting that they're, those kind of problems. - A hundred, really? - Well, I'm just saying, I could live easily on that kind of money, I don't know. But, you know, I don't have baby mamas, I don't have, whatever, this guy's got going on. - Yeah, something's going on. - Well, you know, I must say that this is Odell Beckham, Jr., right, Jr., I mean, he's not to be confused. - Oh, senior. - Yeah. - He's an even bigger asshole. - He can't get guy by that ability. But, I mean, for a guy who had, I mean, he did have some very good years. I mean, I'm a New York giant fan. Some, you know, I mean, it's been, you know, he was in the Super Bowl for a minute and caught a pass. Then he got hurt. Okay, I'm not saying he's not a great receiver. - Yeah, I don't think he's like the greatest of all time. Like if Jerry Rice couldn't live on $100 million. - Jerry Rice, yes. - Oh, I'm a nice. - I was gonna say, I was gonna say, I played right at the time. - There, yeah. - I know. - Jerry Rice, Joe Montana. - And you still live there, right? - I have a house there, but at least in it right now. Do you want to know more? - Yeah, I want to know where you live. - I live in North of Santa Barbara. - I got this. - Oh, yeah, inland. - I mean, no like he. - What a corner. - Me, no like he. - No. - If you like him, I mean, head on today. - So I mean, LA, if you love crime. - But he's not the Bay Area right anymore. - No, but I go up there and I've friends there and stuff. I'm like, younger women. - Yeah. - It's interesting that you quit women and I quit the road. - Yeah. - Okay. - Make a joke out of that. - No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm just saying, I just, you know, that's interesting. - Well, you may go back, if you don't have real time and you're just doing club random. - Oh, no, I won't go back, I don't think. - If you don't have club random, but you just do real time, you might go back. - I mean, I already have, these, I mean, it's- - No, you're not plenty. - I mean, this show, you have to walk seven feet in. - Because there's nothing like standing on stage for 90 minutes and making people laugh. - If it works, it's so hard that you feel like you did something. - Yeah, but you said as you see something in the first row, you were like, you're hurting them with laughter, you know? They're just, they're like this. - Yeah. - And you're like, oh, you know, you just got to, I know, yeah. - Some of it is just probably ego. We love being loved, who doesn't. - It's also just, it's in the beginning, it's a puzzle and it's a problem and how do you get to killing? And 'cause Robin Williams kept coming in and I was doing more than many, he'd come into San Francisco, you'd see him levitate the room. And I was always driven and competitive. I was like, how do I, why do I do that? You know, and then when you're in a club and you're riding that wave and you're finally getting the idea of how to do this and then you see people dabbing their eyes. - Yeah. - In the front row and it's a real rush. - The small rooms are the best, I think. But you can crack the codes on getting jokes right and putting them together and making it work. That keeps me going 'cause I still try to put new stuff together, try to look at it, transcribe it, go through it, I don't need that, that's fat, we don't need that. Those things are like puzzle, it's a crazy life. - I love that tinkering too. - It keeps it fun, yeah. - I mean, it works. - Jim Gaffigan and others record at clubs, can't wait to get in the room with the recorder. Go over the jokes, really identify. Are you that mouth-to-mouth about it? Where things could be better? - I'm not that crazy about it. But like, and Jerry of course. - Brock, I used to say it's like my version of building a ship in a bottle. You know, this people build it. Like, that's what I do. And then as a gift, when I got off the road, my great friend Mark who traveled with me on every one of those trips, he put like a small version of my final set list inside a bottle. - Oh, funny. - Is that a great gift? - That's kind of a brilliant idea. - Oh, man. - Confirmed Bachelor? - Yes. - 'Cause it's, I mean, god damn. How close a friend is this? I mean, we're not gonna do it. - We're not gonna do it. - Well, over there, in the connecting house. He just comes over for coffee and, you know, next one thing leads to another, you know. - Are you met him as my nephew? - Yeah, I know, I've just got young too. - What's the first bit that worked for you? Can you remember? - I was like, "Oh, I know what it was, you ready?" I go into confession. - Well, Mr. Cahn, yeah, that one. - Well, I don't know it. - Yeah, yeah. - For the fans. - Half Jewish, half Catholic. I used to go into confession and play with my brother for my son. I think you know, Mr. Cahn, I would bring a lawyer together. Yeah, Johnny Carson made me do it every time. - Do not want to, I love that, no, the joke. - You know, it's like, okay, I did it six times on the show, but okay, I'll do it again. - The Jew and the Christian? You know, that one, can you do that for us, you know? - One about the Jews was very, yeah, I mean, I do remember the first time, and I remember the date, the exact date, is that important in my life. When I did a full, like, 20-minute set, I guess it was a Saturday night with a cake crowd, like I'd catch, probably, and like, all the way through, 20 minutes, it looked like a, you know, a professional comedy set and got laughs consistently. Like, that was a big night for me, like, wow, yeah. - You just walk around New York after that. I mean, you know, when you're adrenalized from that kind of dream coming true, can I do this? Can I make money doing this? - I walk home at night to my sub-led apartment on 99th Street, 99th. - That sounds a little Spanish. - You mean a lot of Spanish Harlem. - Yeah, oh. - Yeah, uptown. You walked up town. - From the wonderful, from Tony East Side of New York, where catch was on 78th Street, up to Spanish Harlem, where I looked apparently so poor that even the criminals didn't bother me. - Did you cry yourself to sleep? - No, but it was a shithole of a place to be in, but I was exultant at night. I was happier probably as far as serotonin level that night in that shit box than I could ever be here by my enormous mansion. - Well, we're playing with house money at this point. At that point, it's like, can I fucking do this? - It's your first cocaine hit. - I hit that and it's chasing it. - Exactly. - It's your cocaine hit. - Do we have cocaine here? - Yeah. - I want to compare. - There was cocaine here. You came late. - You never did that shit, did you? - I did a little bit, yeah. - No. - I was in a tears when I did cocaine. - I like to say, I never bought it and I was like, oh, so you just bow guarded it all the time? - Yeah, it's harder to get it for free if you had to go. - I never bought it for 10 years and then I bought it for a couple of years. - Yeah, there you go. - I did. - That's the story of cocaine. - I did cocaine, drove to the comedy club, the only thing he was doing in San Francisco. And I teared up and I said, they all hate me in there and just drove home. Yeah, the cocaine was a good other way. Went the other way, yeah. Yeah, it came. I turned into John Benet. I was like, "Yeah, that, that, that, that, that." I'm a Yankee, dude, little Dandy. (laughing) John Benet. John, remember? What, what, what, what? He was fucking all hyped up. Like the town. Old reference. I mean, younger viewers. I know, but I can tell you. I know, but if you said to me, names of people who you would put on the end of a joke to have a lot of energy. He hyped up. That are telling John Benet right into the first one. That's like the first one that came from us. Part Dennis, part Dennis, part Neal and he's got it. Yeah. By the way, when we, so, this story we started earlier. Okay. We, when I got in, the improv, Neal and just got SNL and I, and I really liked Neal and, you know, you guys are on the old chalkboard, you know? Yeah. And so, yeah. I told Neal and just, it happened and I think I was emceeing in a hallway and I said, oh, he got SNL and I said, and he goes, I heard you telling, like, John Mulroney and you were, you were running his place, but you kicked out and I said, yeah, and he goes, I'm going to go to SNL. Do you want to rent my room while I'm gone? And he lived with Dana and Bob Dubac. Beachwood, never Bob Dubac. Yeah, and Beachwood can. He was a good-looking comment. He was the good-looking setup. Yeah. No one ever said-- There was a few of them. Yeah, that's the root of this thing. He was a good-- Oh, he was very good. He's the right hand. No, he's fine. Right. He was a good-looking. He was-- yeah. And so-- Exceptional handsome. And if he-- he'll be seen as Bob. Oh, that asshole. And now he's back. He couldn't help it. He was, like, ridiculous. So I lived in the Indiana. And Neal's room. Dubac was in the other room. He was like, I'd Joe Ryder. And then Dana lived above the garage with Paula. Yeah. Three hundred. Dana was doing SNL. Now Kevin's doing it. I think, okay. And these guys are just squeezing things, droplets. I'm like, do we need to get out of here? I know. The powder comes out. What is-- Again, the way your mind leaps to jokes. Yeah. Why would that be, sir? Okay. Well, you would do-- you're busier, because I can't say those jokes. You know what? I'm a lifelong pothead. And pothead is true when they sit down and talk to you. They're-- It's a whole culture of like-- Teakering. It's-- I always think, or-- Or constantly-- And we like it. For a while. For one year, I smoked a lot of weed in '79. Is this the orb they found in Brazil? And what happened? Oh, yeah. You smoked weed. What happened? You cried? I cried. No, no. I loved it. I mean, in '78, this isn't funny. But my friend and I, we were seeing Neil Young at the boarding house. And he was doing-- Got a small venue. Yeah. Three hundred cedar. And he was working out. Russ never sleeps. But we didn't know that. So we smoked weed. We go in. He's got all the guitars and 12 string. And we thought it was-- He was playing to pre tapes. It was so fucking magic. But a lot of Neil Young that year comes a time. But this is after he was already big with, of course, he stills nationally. Yeah. So he was just dropping into like-- Like-- Work out this new album. Right. Which the first time-- Just like us. Yeah. Music comed-- The musicians don't do that. That's like what we do. Yeah. What do you do now? Do you go to the concert store? I never do. Well, now. I don't do it anywhere now. He's kind of doing anything. But for all those years, the whole-- This whole century, I never went-- Once I was out of the improv. I was out of the improv. I never felt I needed to try out new stuff. You don't practice at all before you go on the road to an hour? It's-- Wow. All those years that one reason I stopped. And people said, you know, well, you could do it just to Vegas. No. I was always in shape. Because I was always doing it. And I-- Where were you doing? Everywhere. Just like Kim. I was on the road. Every other weekend. OK. I was in Detroit and Chicago. And then it was Memphis. So you're working around or take the night? I always had it. Yeah, yeah. And I used to use that, you know, a music stand and have just my bullet points. I see that. So I was never fighting memory. I knew, you know, there was none of that. What's next? What else? What else would you mean? That's me. That's me. What else is going on? You know, a comedian is dying when it's like, so what's up? I'm going to tell you what else. And I'm not going to pause. I love that. I would work nakedly. I would take my shit home. Those bullet points. And it was in my computer. And I would edit it. And what happened that week? And I loved that process. So I always had it, you know, like, bing, bing, bing, bing. But-- You don't do crowd work, do you? Yeah, sure. If somebody-- You have to sometimes. If somebody gets involved, yeah. They-- I mean, they're not usually-- people call it heckling. It's only heckling if it's hostile. Yeah. If they think they're helping or they're supportive. And of course, they're fucking up your timing because you're right at the end. They wait for the punchline. Yeah. They don't know they're doing that. But here's the evolution of stand-up putdowns to a heckler. 80s or early 90s. I don't come to Jack in the box and bother you when you're working. Boom, right? 2020. I don't-- I don't come to your job and slump the dick out of your mouth. Yeah. And that's the difference. Sorry, folks. No, no. We did that in 1982. Oh, you did. Absolutely. You did that too. I remember that when I was in the club starting, and that's the early 80s. I don't go down to where you work and knock the dick out of your ass. Oh, what? We were, like, afraid to say that. I didn't know that. Was it the 80s? No. I was a Christian comic. I didn't get out much. Oh, no. I actually had a guy knock the dick out of my mouth. I was working. And I was like, was he? He's not Kevin Neal, and I've heard this story, but you're not-- No, I miss the fuck out of it. But I don't miss the-- all the Michigans to get there. Yeah, yeah. And to-- even with the plane. That became a headache. Because all these crypto assholes are chasing too few planes. Oh, jack up the plane. Right, so-- Unless you own it, and I never wanted to own a plane. That's too many of it. The inflation is, yeah, supply and demand. Yeah. Everyone's rich and wants a plane. And sometimes, you know, they-- Oh, I'm sorry, but the computer is saying this can't-- Well, how am I going to get to the gig? Yeah, sorry. You know, it just became stressful. And I feel like at our age, and as you're approaching that age, you know, stress, you can handle untowards amount of it when you're young. When you're old, it's going to show. It's going to show on you. It's going to show inside you. You better ratchet that stress level down. Most people are age or just straight out retired. Yeah. I know a lot of retirees. Right. To me, that would be more stressful. Right. I mean-- You see, retarded? Retarded retirees. It's a thing. It's in time this week. It's a lot of-- It's a huge, aren't it? It's a thing. You know, kids, time magazine that you're reading. At the newsstand. That is like three pages thick and loose. The newsstand. Yeah. Yeah. Magazines are like just five pages now. There's nobody, you know? But I get it. I will just go on when I get your opinion on the new GQ Man of the Year. Who is that? A gay man? Cynthia Areva. Who's the Man of the Year? Are you serious? I think. Do you don't have a staff? What do they-- No, no. There's no one here but us. Wait. No, I don't mean this in any-- No, no. You're already-- You're already bad. You fucking-- But I don't know what Cynthia Areva wrote. I don't know who she is. I'm sorry. Oh, is she from Wicked? Wicked, yes. Oh, Wicked. Okay, God. No, she's bald. All right. Yeah. Do you see a trans person? Do you think in that scenario? But no, I don't think so. But she's a man of the year? But she's a woman. So why-- If this isn't happening, let's cut this out. No, I think this-- No, we're-- I think we're going live today. I saw this. We're on a joke website. It's got to be true. We're live. No, I saw it. And I thought-- No, I saw it somewhere. No, I'm backing off it. But I thought-- If you pick three things, I wouldn't pick that one. But here's-- It doesn't matter because-- But if someone wants to get attention. All right. But here's this-- Yeah. But what I believe is the salient comment on this whole thing, which is that in the world we live in now, it is not unreasonable to assume that they would do just that. Of course, that doesn't shock anyone. Even if they didn't do it, they're-- Yeah. There's some people that would like them to do it. Someone mad they didn't do it. And they might do it. And they probably did do it. Someone said it's too dumb. They just did it. That was all right. And the Trumps registered there. They got to do it. That's what he always-- I love that. He does it all the time when he's-- The rough voice. We will never ever touch the East Wing. And then we're knocking it down tomorrow, the build of all room. Yeah. And then it goes right from like-- But you said we would never-- Well, I have a right to do it. You know, I will not come in your mouth. I promise I will not come in your mouth. Oh, yeah. Well, I have a right to do it when you press it into-- Before me if-- Look, I'm in the-- Obama came here last time to even notice it. That's all right. And then it's a done deal. Yeah. It's funny, because you're saying that. Well, stuff is funny in that side. Trump is his own jokes on this side. And so you could make fun of both. I mean, it's so easy. But I could see. People getting upset about this from many angles. Like how dare you say she's a man. Yeah. Or-- That's what I said. How dare you. I was saying she's not a man. Yeah. I didn't say thank you. She identifies as a wicked man. You see. She played the witch and she's a man now and so doing it. And then doing it. Sorry. It's very-- It's a minefield. But sometimes it's got to be. Things are just funny. All right. -What do you think about the takeover of-- -Oh, here we go. -But time, Warner, discovery. -Oh, the whole thing. -Why do you think I was going to say? -No, I was just-- -I was-- I was-- -What is your plan for the dog boss, Legion? -I'm just like this. What's the point, man? -No, it affects us. -Yeah, Netflix, Warner's first paramount. -Yes, that whole thing. -Yeah, as a-- this taping-- -Oh, that's a press time. -We'll be on at 11. -This is my first turn. -Just what I read in Time Magazine. -Yeah, which is free page. -But I read a great article in Time Magazine. -No, what do we-- -What do we think about it? -No, well, first, it was Netflix at the beginning of the week. And they bought it. -Yeah, they bought it. -What time, Warner, discovery? That's why I work for it. So I'm a little-- -Okay. -You know, I have a voting interest. -In HBO Max. -Yes, it's part of Time Warner. -Yeah, got it. So I get-- -CNN. Okay, so then two days later, paramount went not so fast. -Mm-hmm. -We're having a hustle bit. -We're going to go over the board. -To the shareholders. -To the shareholders, I guess. And so, you know, my friend and dinner last time Matthew was like, "It's such a smart guy." He said, "You know, this David Ellison, who seems like a very nice guy in smart." And he bought-- but, you know, he said, "Your father can buy you one company, paramount." -Because he already got paramount. -Yeah. -But not too. -You can't buy two. -Oh, yeah. -And that would be two studios. -I checked Oracle today. So it's all about that. That's worth 500 billion, depending on Oracle's price, you know? -Oh, Oracle. That's-- Yes, that's the-- -Yeah, Flarel. -That's-- -He owns more than half the stock in that. -Oh, yes. Oh, he's very-- He's lives in Europe town. -Yeah, I mean-- -All right. -Roth Silicon Valley. -Yeah. -No, he lives in-- -Rink County. -At least, I-- No? -Where's my town, Bill? -Sambrancesco. -Oh, well, Mill Valley. -Okay, I was taken on a tour once of-- -Yeah. --one of the most beautiful neighborhoods I've ever seen. What is it? It's the very rich neighborhood of San Francisco. -Yeah. -In the city, but-- -Yeah. -Pacific Heights. -Pacific Heights, maybe. -Maybe Nancy Pelosi lived there, too. -Yeah. -Anyway, it's gorgeous. -Yeah. -Stunning over the bay. -Yeah, and it sucks. -I mean, you're in the city of San Francisco, but it looks more like Beverly Hills. -Yeah. -Big, airy. -Tree's Tri-Hole. -And-- -No, I saw this. This is what the driver told me, maybe it's not true. But Larry Ellison's house was here. Across the street was some guy who he started the business with. -He said. -Mm-hmm. -And thinks Larry Ellison screwed him. And there was, on the front lawn, a giant mechanical look at Statue. And when Larry Ellison was home, the statue had the finger up like this. This giant metal sculpture with, like, ten feet tall. -Wow. I know a guy who worked on his woodside house where they built a house in a giant lagoon, like a lake. And then you would visit, you'd pull up, and then you'd get on, like, a teaky raft. -Oh, yeah. -And then he'd be there with a flashlight, bringing you in. -A flowery house? -Yeah. -I heard the same thing. -You heard the same thing? -Oh, yes. -Mm-hmm. -So, he had a lot of money. -On carbon, he bought. Carbon beach, he bought. I think six houses. But not, I don't know if he lives in a mall, but he is Larry Ellison bought. He kept buying carbon beach houses. -That's Malibu or is that-- -Malibu. -Oh. -Yeah. -Because somebody keeps buying, like, a big chunk of Hawaii. Who was that? -When New Zealand is another one. -Oh, Bill Gates. -Sucbers has an underground thing, somewhere on one of those islands. -Underground. -Oh, yeah, it's him. -It's him. -Yeah, Zuckerberg, yeah. I know him pretty well. -Zuck. -You know him? -My property. No, I know. [ Laughter ] -They don't sound as rich as that. They have doomsday bunkers, which makes me nervous. -They have planes at the ready. The billionaires have G7s at the ready. If the shit it's the fan, they have underground bunkers built in New Zealand and then go get right to it to bring the nanny, the kids, everybody. -If the world blows up, and it's like the walking dead, do we really want-- I'd rather just kind of go with it. I don't want to be eating dinty more beef stew and you can't open the window. -Dinty more. You're under there for two years going, you can't go to the grove, you can't do anything. -Oh, no. -It's dinty more. -When you get like this, I don't know that. [ Laughter ] -No, if there's a nuclear attack, I want to be at ground zero. -I want the thing to hit me right in the head. You're right. You do not want to be part of the cleanup committee. -Yeah, because if you make it, what are you doing? -Just our hair. I mean, we're hanging on pretty well. But with the radiation and the cancer. -Your words, not mine. -Now, according to your tweet on October 11th, you have a full head of hair. Is that your testimony? Is that what you believe in? -Your words? -Not mine. -You know what I'm doing, right? -Oh, no. -Senator John Kennedy. -I thought that was a loss. -He does it, too, David. That's funny. -Well, you know, a lot of people don't know what Senator did. -I know that's a problem. I wanted to do them on SNL when I was out there doing Biden. But no one, they didn't know who he was. -Yeah. -He's just funny. -He is a character. -Yeah. -He's a person. -First of all, he's got an unfortunate name, because he people hear that. -And then it's like -- -That is the worst JFK impression. -I don't even know if he's related. -Is he related to John? -No, it's a very common name. -Canity? -John F. Kennedy. -Well, yeah, it's John Senator. -John Kennedy. -Yeah. -So it is a little common. -Don't make me look stupid on this show, Bill. -You tell me after the show that I'm related. -I already know exactly how stupid you were, which is not at all. -What do you guys share talking about? -Well, I mean, that's what I love about your stand-up. You know, it's like -- It's -- What? -I like it. -No. -What do you love about it? -It's similar to Jerry's. It's like -- It does not pander at all. And yet, you know, like, the smartest person in the room, which would be me. -Yeah. -It still looks -- Still looks. -I love it, thank you. -You know, and you -- But you don't have to have a special kind of knowledge to get into it, you know? -And to me, that's more valuable than the kind that I do, because I want to kind of get more away from what I do. If I watch comedy, like, I go to the comedy store sometimes now. It's fun. -Yeah. -It's fun to sit in the back of a comedy store. -You watch who's new and who's doing good. It's like, "Oh, that work." -We're doing bad. -Yeah. -It's still interesting. -Sure. -It's fascinating to see someone deal with doing bad. -And then remember that that was you. -Sure. -And I don't have to do that anymore. -That's a really good feeling. -I told Dana that the other night I went on at the law factory or something, and it was a tough night. It was one of those rainy nights. And I couldn't get it going, and it was like, you know, a boner. No, I couldn't get the set going, because I don't know why. And I was like, "God, I'm still -- There's nights when you have trouble." I was trying a few things, but you pad in ones at work or whatever. And so I'm like, "God, it's still funny. It keeps you on your toes to go." -You have a much thicker skin than I ever did. -Oh. -Oh, absolutely. I saw you do at Marker, but it's his benefit. -Oh, yeah, those are tough. -Okay, you're in the backyard. -Yeah. -The ocean is behind you. -Talk about a distraction. -Yeah, and there's a sundown behind you. -And of course, worse. -The worst thing a comic wants is a room with a high roof, because the laughs -- But no roof? -Yeah, the moon. -The laugh. -The comedy. -The laughs go just into the adventure. -In my richer than me, managers. It's only funny if I talk about him. -You're at your match. -Yeah, and it's a very sad cause. -Oh, yeah. -You're very sad, and you're following that. -And you're following sadness. -I know. -They bring up the saddest kid with the sad situation, and they go, "Well, let's hope you lived at the bottom." -Right. -Now there's an invitation, and I'm good. -David, let's see. -Right. -We're going to have some comedy now. And I'm like, "Thank you." -It's fair. -Anyway. -And it's all celebrities in the audience. -We were there recently, and I saw you do it. I was greatly admiring you, and you still got the laughs. And we're really funny. But you said to me, "Are you going on?" And I was like, "Are you kidding me?" -Not if this kid got more of this tonight. I'm sorry. -Yeah, I just can't do it. -I think you said, "This isn't contagious." -You're owning your truth. -That's fine. -I have to. -I'm sorry. -I saw that. -I lived that life. I did gigs like that. -Oh, yeah. -But you still. You know, you don't care about. You said a rough night. Like, I never had a rough night on the road, 'cause I only did places. We asked why we want likes to do it. Because when you're selling hard-ticket prices, it's people who already love you enough to pay to see you. -Mm-hmm. -It's a very. -There are. You have to wait there for it. -Plus, here's someone they know in their city. They're happier there. -Very happier. -Those are better. -Very happy. -That night of "Dervances." That's our "Super Manager." We were in a vacuum. -I'm a "Polacial Manager." -And I see Zach Alfonax. He was. I go, "He's gonna notebook out." I go, "Are you going out tonight?" And I go. And I say. And he goes, "Yeah." I go, "I did this last year." And he goes, "How is it?" I go, "It's a little dicey." But it kind of is what it is. And he goes, "I got to do 20." And then he looks his notes. And he goes, "Are there fucking kids here?" And I go, "Oh, the whole front row." And he goes, "Oh, shit." And he goes, "That's out. That's out." And he walks up. And he goes, "You know, I was homeschooled." He's homeschooled. No, you know that joke, he says. No. No, he says. When I went to school, I was called fat, stupid, queer bait. That was home-school. And then-- That's a great-- That's a great-- Yeah, and then he goes-- And then he looks over and goes like this. Like, he wasn't-- He wasn't going to like get in front of kids and then his first joke. And then he goes, I saw Michael J. Fox and Jake, he's-- He gave it a set. And he was pretty cool. And then-- Did they let-- he did that show? No, yeah, and it kind of worked because-- But he was just saying, sugar to shoulders, like-- I was going to say, because there's kids, but-- Yeah, it's a chair, it's a joke. It's a benefit. But see, people in benefit mode, their mind, is just in ultimate political correct mode. No matter what the charity is, that's where their mind is. Very politically correct. And we are the good people. And so like-- There's supposed to be a fan of that guy. Oh, it's just-- It's pointless to send me up. It's just going to be a bad time for both me. It's going to be a bad time for everybody out. I'm going to have a bad time, and they're going to have a bad time. What is the point of that? You're going to ruin the night. I'm going to ruin the night for both of us. So why? But you know, I admire you so much for doing that, because I couldn't do that. You could do it. You could just be the wind-up tour you are right there. I was thinking about me that I didn't realize to later as that I was a sketch player, but there was no groundlings up there. And I went into clubs, you know? But Robin was a little bit of a sketch player, too. We're not wordsmiths like you guys. It's more rhythm and stuff. So the small clubs, I could do Al Pacino's Scarface for 20 minutes, or whatever, ride any wave of any character. But then in the big rooms, it's harder for me, you know, to do what-- I feel like impressions. I mean, I'm just an impression lover. Like, that's always the thing I love most inside of life when they would do impressions much more than, like, sketches, most of their sketches. I'm a fan of a great impression. That I love. Someone masters, you know? I love it. It's somewhat-- I mean, a take on it. SNL sketch that takes place in a living room-- [LAUGHS] --with the erotic people. I just-- I just-- I know. It's like, I'm just-- it's like, let me guess. And then, like, you're just going to be-- You're trying to figure out the sketch. Just premise to death. And then, you know, and then I'm fucking bad money. That was-- [LAUGHTER] And, you know, I-- Well, yeah, but when they do, like, as soon as they would do, like, here are the auditions or the piece that's right out in the role of the-- Yeah, that's fun. --choke machine. --that's such a great-- Yeah, when he-- --and put on some of the impressions. I mean, they just are real-- You know, and different styles. Like, Bill Hader would do-- Oh, he was great. --the catch-up predator guy, or whatever. Yeah, Keith Morrison or something. He would just do his own way of doing things so funny and all of them will feel-- Oh, and that's-- --character he did who would come on and give the reviews of the latest club. Oh, uh, Reeves Defon. Defon. --with the laughing thing. What a genius character. And John Mulaney would write it and kind of surprise him with lines while he's doing a lot of the update. You go like that. Those two were quite a team, you know? I met Mulaney when he was not. He was just a writer, young kid. When I first-- Was he a host? He was just an SNL writer. He moved on. I was in 2010 or something, but it was Fred Armerson. I don't know. I do. I love sketch comedy. But that was what I was really built to do, not stand up. Boy, when Lauren Michaels wants to make somebody a star, like-- You can push him now. It's a-- I mean, look, again, I have my issues, but you cannot take away, I mean, 50 years, and not just the show, but the pipeline to almost all of the movie comedy that we saw over two generations. Yeah, and it slowed down, but yeah. I know, but it isn't an incredible-- The pipeline was just like dominated by-- I mean, that does not happen often in show business. Lauren is enigmatic in a way, in extraordinary. But his resiliency, you know, and the show was having really rough and getting the shit kicked out of it. He would always have a glass of shardonnay, you know. Life-- a career is like a pendulum, and swing out. And years later, we'll swing back. And he has Lauren-- we used to do Lauren Wisdoms now. Marriage is a prison that everyone's trying to escape into. [LAUGHS] You know. Did he say that? That's great. The minute you're hot, you can feel yourself being less hot. He's got tons of them, you know? But that's true. They sound like they're actually true. They're brilliant. I mean, he has a brilliant observational mind, and he loves talent. He loves it. And he will-- if he sees it, even if the person doesn't know their talent, he'll foster it. Yeah, there's a lot of-- I mean, I don't know. I was never there and don't know it firsthand. But the talk has always been about some sort of hunger games, sort of atmosphere in the show that he purposely fostered. You know, I think a charitable viewing of that would be to get the best. That's how you do it. You know, it's like a country, again, shit. But other people would say it was cruel and human. And, you know-- It's a lot like a coach saying, this guy-- you get hurt, this guy's going to go in for you, and you might not give a job back. Yeah. They're on your ass like a practice saying, get in there and do your best, because we got 10 guys behind you. And we'll run down to catch rising starings. But you wouldn't say it was purposely cruel. I don't think it's purposely partially-- Oh, I mean, it could be, but-- No, I think it was-- I don't think we're bearing toward it, yes. Yeah, I know. I know, not at all. I think it's said during all these documentaries that he had to be a loof. He could not. The energy of a cast member coming in and going, I'm not getting my sketches on, you know. It just-- he had to keep this barrier, because that would have exhausted him. Right. But, you know, if he's too-- if he gives in too much, you're just going to-- it won't work. Everyone's giving him the same stuff, sorry. No one thinks they have enough time in the show. I'll tell you what a buzz is, though. A real high. Because Lord Michael's is Lord Michael's and all the history and his aloofness, that when you would dismantle the room, levitate the room with a sketch, and you're getting off the thing, maybe I'm doing the church lady and like, you know. It was big because there were very few compliments. Yeah, by Carson. It was like, Carson, just just the actual-- That was funny. Very upset. Yeah, and he wouldn't fawn over people with just like-- and there's a glimpse of-- Yeah. No, you're not going to shit down. Get the fuck out of here. Ed, bring us to a conference. Yeah, the least little thing floats your boat. Yeah. Did you ever see "Saving Private Ryan"? Many times. Really? It's my favorite movie. Well, I think it's historic. The first 20 minutes is-- It feels epic. That happened. What? That's Spielberg's genius. I mean, it's-- OK, I was like-- But like at the end of the movie, I was good. Oh, where he says, earn it. Well, that, too. But that was the top thing. No, I'm just talking about this kind of thing. Yeah. There's a moment. Now, the other troops resent Ryan because Tom Hanks is protecting him because it's his mission. So they're like, you know, Ed Burns is great. He's like, Ryan, are you OK? Yeah, I'm good too, Captain. Yeah, yeah. You know, and at the end, Ryan does something-- You know, he's there, and he's helping out. And Burns has given this little look. And it's just like, all you see on camera is-- Yeah. After all that-- And it's everything. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, these are tartan battle-weary men. They're not going to be-- you did a fine job, sir. Yeah. It's just that little moment. And as an audience member, I mean, that, to me, is the genius of Spielberg, is that that's all he needs on camera, the minimalist. No, he's-- To move the heart strings. Yeah, and he used the framing of the searchers where it's really light outside. And it's a dark hallway. And the mother comes out, and they're going to give the note about her son's dying. On the front porch. Yeah. In the way she collapses. She collapses. It's so fucking brilliant. I have chills thinking of it. I think of that scene also because it's like-- If you were teaching a class, it would be like, this is a visual medium. If you can say it visually, as opposed to dialogue, do it that way. The ones I can do it that way are great. And her just collapsing, and the way she collapses, you don't need the dialogue. She sees the car, the Army car pulling up. And she kind of dustes it off right there. It dusts coming from the car because it's a car. Brilliant, brilliant. And she sees who gets out of the car, the chaplain. It's not good news. It's not good news. You have won the lottery. It's a giant check. David Spade is playing at the OK Carousel. But yeah, I love movies. I mean more than anything. I think in the ones that I love, I watch many, many times. I watch a lot of old ones lately because I'm mentoring somewhere. [LAUGHS] Well, you've had Quentin on here, so-- Who doesn't know these movies? Once upon a time in California. I can see it in my neighborhood. Yeah, she's upon a time. Oh, I love that. All the way. It's his best movie, because it's a love story. Between two men, but still a love story. And other ones were all revenge. They were great movies, but they were revenge stories. And this one is a love story. What'd that guy say to you? Because face it, man, I'm a goddamn loser. Don't cry in front of the Mexicans. Hey, I think it's a little worse than having to go to Italy and make some Italian movies. Fucking hell, how many you've seen? One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. two, look, I haven't worked in a long time. I don't mind how I sit in when you're out of town. I just love the whole movie. I'm the same way like I can get that dialogue. Certain dialogue goes into my mind. In you, I remember you're a white little face. You were on a horsey. Remember when he's on acid? You know, yeah. I love about that, and I told this to Quentin is that like, to me, that's a very Sinatra Dean Martin relationship. Yes. Because Sinatra, that's Leo DiCaprio. He is the star. But who's actually cooler, Brad Pitt, the guy who's just the standard, who's just, he's Dean Martin. He's so cool. He doesn't need to be number one. You know, Frank Sinatra was a mess of anxiety and like the hostility to come out. He do very generous things, and he do something really fucked up thing like shoot up a towel. Yeah. You know, but Dean was just like, yeah, everything's good. Brad Pitt. He's good, pal. He's ultimate. I'm so fucking brilliant at that. He inhabits it. Hey, remember one thing, you're Rick fucking Dalton. Yeah. You know, I'm going in here and say a little to my friend. This ain't gonna stop me, you know, and I could quote the whole movie. I mean, Leo's great in it as that actor who, you know, let's see in the trailer where he's stuck back in. God damn it. You know, he's fucked everything up. And then he does the scene so great, like you're, you're into it even as knowing it's not really a scene. It's just a scene in a movie. Yeah. And I've really watched her all the time. Yeah. This is the best acting I've ever seen. It's just the whole movie is a masterpiece. It's a masterpiece. I've seen it at least 12 times and I'm not kidding. Yeah. You watch your movie that many times. If I love it, I'm fast and because that's such a movie it's, there's so much in that movie. And then you see her kind of like, why are we in a western town for a half hour? What's going on here? Right. And then when you see what he's doing and then you get into the minutia of Gina, Gina, Gina, the woman in the mystic light, all you're gonna Italy and you win fucking fights. And then every single line is poetry. Is that your son? No, that's my, that's my, that's my assistant or what a straight man, whatever. You know, so then every single line is poetry and then they go to the end. Is that Rick Dalton when he goes to the driveway and they do the big crane shot? It's also especially good for people of our age because we remember the error that it's made from. Yeah, copper tone, screen gems, production, you know, like, and the guy, the star of the new ABC. Yeah. I know. It is. It does get you. We're here on the set of the new ABC television show and, you know, with, you know, his stunt man and it's, yeah, it's just it, the FBI show, I barely remember, but I, he was guesting on it and, and of course it's inside show business. So we understand it a little better, but, but it's universal. The bromance of the bromance of him holding up Rick Dalton, like, well, that's a good move because he's, they're watching his, his guests, your guys are kind of like, exactly. I see, but which one of you guys were dancing around it for long enough? I see you as a Lee in order to cap real, no, I want to be the lead, no, I want to be the cool. Everyone wants to be Brad Pitt. Yeah, that is too cool. No, because I see you as more full of anxieties and I see you more as the, the, the, the bread pit type. Thank you, Bill. I'll take that. You know, I do. I mean, I'm just saying personality wise. But maybe I'm wrong. I mean, you guys know each other better. I mean, you do the show together and you have this history. You have sexual relations. All this stuff brings you much closer and it's a bond, maybe stuff that in, like, sexual relationship. I like it. I was trying to do a kneeling. I like it. Yes. Subliminal. Subliminal. That was a great character. Yeah. That was a, but, oh yeah. Am I wrong about this? I think, I think I'm right. No. I think I'm right. We're combos. We're right. They're very different, but very alike. And if you look at it, you think about it. Many people are seeing it. They have a podcast. This is in the top 30 every time sometimes they talk about 20 of them. Sometimes. Did you see that there's a podcast category at the Globes? Oh, really? Do you know what someone said? I thought they were kidding. Oh, I would think you, do we get nominated? No. Were you funding champs? No, not by now. We won the podcast. Yeah. They nominated, like, the super woke stuff. Wow. I love it that we all did this. We have fun collapse. Deflate. We were like the lady on the porch and saving private money. Yeah. Mark Kendrick, can I get another drink? Fucking. Fucking woke people. Fucking up there. I'm sorry. No, they, they, uh, yeah, I'm sure there were good shows, but it was, it was, it was glaring that Joe Rogan was not nominated. For Best Fuck You. Yeah. I mean, it is kind of popular and, you know, it is. It is, it is known. It is known. He's absolutely brilliant. I mean, if one of you, and he's very good at what exactly, so it makes it. You're going to have an inaugural podcast category. And you don't have, it just speaks to living in the blue sky, bubble, but get out of your fucking bubble. You know, I want to be one of you. I am one of you, but you're just so hard to defend because you're such such a fucking smug assholes. Just, and this town is the epicenter of the problem. It really is. The more liberal Democrats are there. There's you that say what you say. Not a lot. Uh, all right. There's a guy in Des Moines. No. There's a shoot still. Yeah. The dinner with Andrew Schultz last night. Okay. I think he's one of them. I think he's, he's a little more bro than me, you know, I feel a little more on the bro side, but I think he's a very smart guy. There's no solutions. There's only trade-offs when you're looking at government policy. It sounds like something Lorne Michaels once in a few years. No solution. You'll find about, when you go into that second hour, he's fully in the bag. That's, that's when you get the gold. You have to stay and the gold comes out. Bill, what's, um, okay, top five movies, you have five seconds. Well, I was, okay, saving Brian, definitely the godfather, godfather too. Okay. Good choices. Oh, I know there's, I wish I could up the top of my head. No, it's hard. But. Witness. Witness. It was great. Not top five. I like it. No. I'm just trying to get good movies out there. Oh. Three days the condor. Oh, I love that one. Nope. That is. That is a genius movie. Yeah. Sidney Pollock. Robert Redford at his best. Yeah. Um, was it a fade-on one? Fade-on-a-way. Fade-on-a-way. Sexy. They're all. Yeah. I'm too young. I shouldn't have said her name. She's. I sure you're still not trying to get away. Fade-on-a-way. F***ing. Not in stunner. Brilliant. In that movie. You know, with the goodbyes scene at the train station. I'm sorry. If you're not out there, like, as you used to be, what do you do for my social life? It's. It's a little, um, whisperer than before, yeah. No. I do a. It's just fine. How bad he is. He's just, he's just, like, playing a part now, right? Women like. He likes him. Sense of humor. Number one. Kindness. Number two. Access to resources. Access to resources. Number three. Access to resources. How ever you. I have a dream. I have a dream of that. And there's nothing. But funny and kind. Funny and kind are big. Funny and kind. Yeah, I'm not. I mean, yeah. That's not what I'm. As you. You know, I never thought you were. Or said you were. No, not at all. And obviously a funny guy. And yes, you're right, kind of. I mean, the reason I was saying before, like, you know, bad men, you go out with young girls. Oh, that's. Young girls. They cannot find a guy close to their age who will feed them mentally or even at this point, they've been raised on porn these guys. I know. That's the problem. You know. Yeah. You don't ask for anal on the first date. You know? We're going to be right back. This first time on Club Random, we're actually taking a commercial break. You're going to see Bill at the bar and he's going to end on that line now. We're going to see Bill at the bar. We're going to see Bill at the bar and he's going to end on that line now. Yeah, I mean, women, you know, they are creatures that need to be fed mentally, obviously physically also. But, you know, these guys, these young guys today, they do not understand a flower that needs to be watered. They grew up watching, you know, Japanese businessmen come on schoolgirls faces on their phone. It's sixth grade. I haven't seen that one. Yeah. Do you send me a link? It is a toxicity. Yeah. It is. And a story barely. Well, I'm Brad Pitt. Well, it's a good point, Bill. Yeah. You know, you're right. I'd be kind to people and know that everyone is more vulnerable than you think, multiplied by 10. It's hard being a human being on this planet with everything that could happen. So, just be kind. It's harder. I would see you guys as being kind to work within you. - Well, you're just more vulnerable as a woman. - A million percent. - Period. - Yes. - You know, it's like we do not know what it's like to walk through this world. - With fucking creeps. (laughs) - With creeps. - With creeps. - As a target. - And what's so many of your creeps. - Oh yeah. - And also not to mention the like age thing, it's much more of a thing in their mind that because we are so visual, not you. - Oh, no, I'm visual. - No, no, okay, but I mean, okay, not tell what I meant. I mean, not-- - I know. - But for youth, you know, whatever it is. - Oh yeah. - I mean, can you imagine if we were always worried about as we got older, we got less funny? - I understand. - That would be like, like, oh my God, do you mean when I'm 40, I'm not gonna be as funny. - Well, that's what I'm saying. - Yeah, people are not gonna get that. - We didn't get that. I don't know if handsome men get it, but a young attractive woman, sometimes at 18 or 19, super power has arrived. She's gone past few of her, she's absolutely stunning, the peak of her power. Every time she walks into a restaurant like this, and I've talked to women, young women, it was just like, people buy them. Drinks are like stars, they're super stars. - You don't have to worry. - And then when you start getting that head turned, it's a very, you know, heady kind of thing. We didn't have that, you know, of losing the super power. - It's similar to being a celebrity. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's like being a celebrity without having true audition. - It's like when you're out. - It's like you want a tissue, all right. But that's for another podcast. - And what happens well before 18 or 19? It happens to them at 13. It does, that people are looking and men are letting them know, even if it's not overtly, that's a very weird thing. They're letting them know. - You really grown up. - Yeah. - You're gonna get a lot of that. - Well, I haven't seen you, I've been really filled out. You're quite a woman now. - Yeah. - Exactly. - But you can still sit on Uncle Billy's lap. Hey, that ain't no harm. Now come here, little girl. Here we go. Oh, you want to have a peach. - We do get treated like pretty girls because if you're known and you're out, like guys, give me their card. There's guys. It's like that. Hey, they want to talk to you and they want to separate themselves in the cattle like in the first 10s. I'm not one of these guys. I run the plays. You know what I mean? So you get special treatment. Like they do. It's a similar feeling when you're on TV. - I knew a girl in the 90s. She had a bowl like, where's that bowl? - Of cards? - Yeah, of cards. You know, I'm never gonna use them. It's just amused her to have this like fucking giant fish bowl of the cards in her. You know, like every time she went out in the era of cards. This is like the night when people had cards. - I was a big kid. No one knows it. It's like, yeah. - People used to get, I was like-- - Can I give you my card? - I was such a drunk asshole. People would give me their cards, you know, 'cause it's celebrity. Same as a pretty woman. And I would begin cleaning my teeth with it as I-- - Intentionally to gross them out? - You will. - It's just a funny move to go. - No, just to go like, yeah, no, I'll give you a call. - Sounds great. - I was like cleaning my-- - Put it in between my dentist. - Oh, you have to-- - It's near looking-- - Oh, no, not at all, it's fine. - We all get time for one more of 'em. - Let me go. - Yeah, I'm really fine. - You have a final mic drop. - Question. - Do you have to-- - Do you have to move? - I could do it. You have to stop me. - No, I'm not gonna-- - I'm not gonna-- - I have to go. - You do? - Yeah. - Where are you going? - It's a dinner with a certain streamer, 630. - A streamer? - Yeah. - What does that mean? - Netflix. - Okay. - Oh, I see. - Is she on the cover of GQ? - Okay. - Let's not let you miss that. - No, don't. - No, no, no. - Yeah. - All right, so. - Actually, here's a stupid story the other day when-- - How? - But you can stay. - They don't stay. - I can stay. We'll go on the spillover room. - She doesn't have to do the spillover room. - Well, no. - She's on all year success, hot gas partners. I think the fans love it, that you love each other. It's something, it's like with the Beatles, you know? We never really wanted to see them when they were at each other's throats for those couple of years when John Lennon put out, you know, how do you sleep at night, Paul? And like, the only thing you did was yesterday. It's like, oh, you know what? What about us kids? Think about the kids. - It is hard to watch. - We don't want to see. And then they, you know, and Paul always said, you know, at the end, it was great. Our last conversation was just about cats and baking bread, right? - You know, we went over and I said hello, you know, we sat for a plunk. I used to bring out the guitars and John and I, you know, we plunked, you know. That's how we came up with the White House. No, the bitter sweet thing for the super fans, which I'm one of them, of millions and millions, is that they were so young and if John had lived longer, they would have been like, what were we arguing about? I mean, I don't, the Beatles was a wave and it crested when they left in 1970. I don't think it's at the beach. And that's the one thing where young people are still people in there. - They just put out anthology four. - Yes, yeah. - Did you see that? No, they, in the '90s, they fighting them. That itself was 25 years after they broke up. They put out the big anthology where they themselves told their story and all the stuff from the vaults. - Now they just put out anthology four. Oh, here's some other stuff. - Here's some other scrap stuff. - These guys have been able to sell the same song. - Yeah. - So many times and it's amazing we buy them. - But the canon of it is never to get used to. You cannot overestimate them. You can't exaggerate them for a young person. They may know, hey, Jude, and let it be. And then they hear no reply. Or they hear, she's leaving home. Or, you know, I'm a walrus. Or, you know, it also, I mean, I bought it. And most of it was like, oh, I'm not going to keep that. That, because it's already happened. And it sounds okay. It's a slightly different version. It was take three instead of take four. They picked the best one, usually. But, got to get you into my life, done with guitars. Instead of the brass, I like the brass. But I like this too. And it might be better for me. So I'm going to keep that one. It was worth the price of admission. You can't get use of it. We've got to get David. Genius by definition is something that exists that shouldn't exist. And that's the Beatles. Something that shouldn't exist, but does exist. Thank you, Lauren. Club window. [MUSIC PLAYING] So you can swap away. There's no applause. No applause. There will be a loop for the end. Club window.