117. Dan Soder, Kerryn Feehan, Brendan Sagalow | Blood

it's everywhere I go I can't escape it ads ads ads everywhere trying to sell me something new every day but it's not the product that's the problem it's the time time time time I'll never get back I'm not crazy I've done the math by the time you die you will have spent an entire year and a half just watching ads they stole my time now I'm going to have my revenge we have to end this broken system haunted by the remnants of what could have been but as my plan was coming together I spotted it a slightly cheaper alternative to building a time machine to end capitalism gas digital comm with all your favorite podcasts at free and uncensored so I guess my plans can wait subscribe to gas digital comm for thousands of uncensored and ad free shows featuring your favorite comics all right story warriors before we start today's show we have a huge announcement for the first time ever story wars is coming to Europe baby yeah Christ yep that's right pull your uncircumcised wieners meat over the head because we're coming pull up your leader hose and polish off your wooden shoes get your brand food and your stupid three-point hats and whatever else I don't know I don't go there your golden suspenders your golden suspenders lower the drawbridge over the moat and let us in things that aren't even European pet dragons soccer we're coming four separate cities four separate nights June 1st we're going to be in Dublin Dublin Ireland June 2nd in Glasgow Scotland June 3rd in London England mate and June 5th in Amsterdam that's right folks Amsterdam we're gonna get AIDS and drugs look it's gonna be the best we're bringing some of our friends from the States and we're gonna be getting some of the best comedians from Europe England the UK and all over the place to be a part of these shows the first time that we're ever doing these shows internationally and we're coming over the pond no matter where you're at go right now to our website get those tickets okay travel come see us this is gonna be so much fun these are big venues we need you to come and we need you to bring friends for double points yay go to lewisofskanks.com or bigjcomedy.com to grab your tickets today before they're gone all right story warriors come and check me and big j out touring all over this great country and beyond up next we're going to be in Los Angeles at the comedy store doing two shows on November 4th and November 5th that's right story warriors we're going to be in Los Angeles at the comedy store doing two shows on November 4th and November 5th that's right story warriors we're going to be in Los Angeles at the comedy store doing two shows on November 4th and November 5th that's right story warriors we're going to be in Los Angeles at the comedy store doing two shows on November 4th and November 5th that's right story warriors we're going to be in Los Angeles at the comedy store those shows are going to sell out so get those tickets now after that obviously we're doing three separate shows at skankfest skankfest.com for those tickets you can get individual day passes still after that I'm going to be on the road individually in Poughkeepsie New York at laughing up comedy club November 21st I got South Bend Indiana after that Grand Rapids Michigan Hobart Indiana Tampa Florida for New Year's Eve and many many more go to my website lewisofskanks.com to grab tickets for those shows and you can go to bigjcomedy.com for all of my dates I have Mothership coming up Brea Improv Stress Factory Louisville Oklahoma City Bricktown coming back there gonna do the Red Dog for the meet and greets afterwards if you know you know make sure you look for tickets for a city near you bigjcomedy.com greatest yapper live tour happening right now let's start this bitch fill her up you're listening to the gas digital network the ladies and gentlemen it's story wars give it up for the story warriors big j okerson and lewis j gomez uh what is up New York City make some fucking noise in here please I want uh I want the crowd to be better already I mean we have lit and I mean this there's 11,000 people here and the largest comedy club in the history of the world and that is the fucking welcome we got story warriors are you guys ready for a fucking great show come on that's better how many people in this room are familiar with the game story wars and who is not familiar with the game story wars why would you come you're taking seats away from people that love us it's a sold-out show you pieces of shit I can't believe they somehow they were able to get in oh you fucking grind my gears if you are not familiar with the game story wars or it's your first time listening at home it's a very simple game that will explain once we get our amazing panel of guests out here are you guys ready for our amazing panel of guests our first guest with a record of oh and four is that possible one and four one and four real nice damn now I look like a fucking idiot with a record of one and four a returning story warrior you know him from sag daddy the pod fart carnival available on gas digital and a special thin lips available on youtube how about it for the hilarious brendan sagalow hi everybody how you doing ready you're back so the discrepancy there was brendan one he was on a few weeks ago and there's so we have I mean a lot of episodes between these but with that that one hasn't aired yet and you won so spoiler oh shit yeah well who saw my big defeat I got the book for some reason how they got the book I threw the book when I won all right let's move on shall we okay I'm actually fucking them after the show so kind of greasing up the wheels that's beautiful our second competitor on tonight's show with a record of two and three so we got the book for some reason how they got the book I threw the book when I won all right let's move on shall we okay I'm actually fucking them after the show so kind of greasing up the wheels of that's beautiful our second competitor on tonight's show with a record of two and three in story wars history returning story warrior maybe the first ever non story warrior to get the triple crown you know her and lover from tires on Netflix as well as her podcast only fee hands and you probably like her only fans as well I know I do which is gonna for Karen Fianna. I know I do. Put your hands together for Karen Feehan. Yes. Yes. Karen looking like a slutty librarian. I like this. Thank you. So I thought I was giving like Wednesday Addams. This is like the Halloween episode. This one is coming out in two full months from now, yes. I just love a theme. You know how excited I get about this show. This is very important to me. I know it. It would be an amazing record if you win. Our final contestant, last but not least, with a record of one in three. It's all story warriors tonight, guys. All returning story warriors today. And most of you don't even have much worse of a record than I do. You know him from his special On the Road on YouTube. You know him from his podcast, Soder. You know him from the regs right here on Gas Digital. How about it for Dan Soder? I'm back. I'm back to claim my Story Wars baby. That's right, Dan. I had a GI baby when I was over in the shit last time. I like that you got your arm around Karen. Karen's mine immediately. While me and Dan are exes, we're still cool. Yeah, we're fine. We do Thanksgiving together so the families don't have to break up. Hey, I pushed my hair behind my ear when I saw you outside. I went, hey. Oh, hey. Remember? If this is your first time here at Story Wars or your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have committed. There's a guy fishing for something in a girl's tits in the front row. We need to have an audience. How did I peep it? I was looking around. You didn't think Jay was going to see that? That's his bat signal. He reached into her tits. The bull said, I couldn't keep talking. Oh, hey, he said he was fishing for something. From the looks of her, it looks like she actually has a fish in between her tits. Yeah, it's a full tuna. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? Blood. It's all period stories. - Karen, Karen, Karen, hold it down. - Yeah, one time I bled through my jeans, Karen. Alex is gonna take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time. They will appear here on this screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. - Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, You get one point. So when it's your story up there, that is an opportunity to get four points. Do not squander it. Huge opportunity. You could have zero stories pulled, which Karen, when she won, she had zero stories pulled that day. You could have one story, two stories, three stories. You could have three in a row. It's all randomized the way Alex pulls them out. Once you tap the name on your tablet and slide over the thing to lock it, you have to lock it. That's it. Your answer's locked in. You cannot change your answer. We do not have the technology to change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, we're going to have so much fun tonight. Listen to me, new people, we're razzing you. We're giving you a little bit of shit. I still don't like you, sir. But the other two, his face is bugging me. But you're going to have a lot of fun tonight, but we don't play for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today. This speech feels like you're strapping me into a go-kart. We have a lot of fun. Remember, you're going to race each other, but let's not get dangerous. Now, I know it all looks fun, but do not put your hands outside the car. Yeah. This week's winner, well, every week here on Story, I got thrown off. That's true. Damn you, Dan. Damn. Every week here on Story, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner will take home Brute, a novel by Sam Talent. Sam Talent may be 0-1 in the Story Wars competition, but he is now the author of neo-noir thriller Brute, now available on Amazon and Penguin Random House. Haunted ex-marine Robert Bujolius, what the fuck kind of name, really? That's a lot. Why would he choose that crazy name? He wanted to weed out the bad readers. Could that possibly be how you say it? Did we look it up phonetically at all? Bujolais. Bujolais. Robert Bujolais. What did you say? What? Creates the peace of civilian life. Bujulius. Bujulius. Oh, dude, I love a nice. Bujulius McCullough. I like a nice sounded out success. B-A-O-J-O-L-I-A-S. Put the Creole in you. Robert Bujolais. Oh, ho, ho. Creates the peace of civilian life for a lucrative career as a professional hitman. Wow, it was so much more exciting than the beginning of it. After a high-profile hit goes sideways, Robert is sent to Paris with the ultimate ultimatum. Kill or be killed. Sam Talent. Sam Talent. Genius. Great author. Loved his first book, which was incredible. I think everyone who's gonna get it gets it, and if not, you'll pick it up along the way, so I guess I gotta ask, is this crowd ready for war? New York Comedy Club, 11,227 people. Are you ready for war? Yes. And Alex, stop fucking around. Story number one. Move over. Story number one. When I was in middle school, I went to the mall with my friends. My buddy bought a red bandana and put it in his back pocket. He had no idea about gangs. None of us did. We walked out of the mall, and he ended up getting jumped. Jesus. Dude, that's so funny that you heard. He's got his ass kicked for no reason. That you, someone heard the topic of blood, and they were like, what's that, fool? I mean, Karen grew up in. That's pretty unique, actually. Karen grew up in gangster ass, but I will say, the thing is, I don't think it's Karen at all, because my buddy bought a red bandana. It strikes me as not a girl. I don't let girls go, my buddies are coming over. If I say my buddy, he's mentally retarded. Or you're trying to convince somebody you're not fucking someone. Like, no, that's my buddy. That's my bro, my buddy. Palsy, do you remember my buddy, the doll? Yes. My buddy. You remember Kid Sister? I would fuck Kid Sister. I swear to God, I would. Yeah, you would hump her. Kid Sister, Kid Sister, it's Kid Sister and me. Kid Sister and me. Let me get a taste. Ooh, that's good cotton. I want to put Louis in a program where he's watched. That was a teacher seeing Louis do that. I just witnessed a young boy fingering the little sister doll. Well, I also, the little, what was it called, the little monster? Was it the guy with the. Yeah, that was the one with the chain. I would fuck the shit out of my little monster. What's going on, dude? What, really? And he looked like Brendan Sagalov. He's a human. I like in the world of toy fucking. Fucking, the guy's pansexual when it comes to toy fucking. He's on all covers. You love fucking toys. Guys, girls, Elmo's, monsters. He really does. He's like, don't leave that little toy alone with me. Come on, this is a hedonistic room. Come here, cookie monster. Look what I have in my lap. What happens in Casa de Luis stays in Casa de Luis. So look, this is, I mean, it's probably not Karen. Buddy is a big clue right now. Also, I mean, her being from. From a bougie area. Yeah, that's what I was going to say, because you guys are from the hood, right? Where'd you grow up? Well, here's the thing. I didn't grow up in, like, a Bloods Crips fucking area at all. That's what I would say if I was trying to avoid being affiliated. Philly wasn't a Bloods Crips place. We actually rep the Latin Kings. I go, also, Jay, you are known to not text the letter C. True. Yeah, that's why I got. I don't play that shit, dude. You say Jesus, you say Jesus Bryce. For life, dude. For life. Karen grew up in the town. Hail from the crypt. All right. That was good. That was good. No, here's the thing. There was. By the way, there was the gang that would tag up my neighborhood when I was younger. I never saw any of them, and I assume they were weirdly white somehow. The Hilltop Hustlers, HTH. And they would be tagged all over places. I know it was just Jewish kids from the neighborhood. Here's what makes me think it's Lewis. Mall. And this guy's a big mall guy. You are a huge mall guy. I think you were raised, actually, in a mall. He doesn't want to admit it. You were built in a Build-A-Bear. Yeah. He was fucking stuffed animals in a Sears. I slept in a tent inside of Dick's Sporting Boots. I promise you, there's a little boy that lives here. I don't see it. There's no evidence. I don't know. Go to look for him. I'm just driving one security guard mad. Lewis is in a stock room like this against a wall going. And he's out here with his fucking toys. They call his mom. They're like, Lewis is at the store again. She's like, can you just stay there? And then where'd you grow up? Long Island. That's a mall area. That's a mall. It's mall-y, but I also grew up not in gang Long Island. You had a mall, for sure. You were a mall. Yeah, but the whole point of this is that. Am I from a mall area? I don't know. Ever heard of the Aurora Mall, a.k.a. the Batman shooting? If we're doing malls. So the whole point of this is that you didn't grow up. Seems like a violent mall that he went to. You didn't really grow up. It was a white guy at a movie theater. What, Karen? It was the Joker. They're saying. The buddy bought a red bandana, so then he was jumped, assumedly by the blue bandana gang, right? Sure. Also knows the Crips. That's usually how it works. Aren't the Crips a West Coast gang? Well, they're everywhere, but. They're everywhere, but. But I know what you're saying. You're right, yes. But more so, West Coast. She looked up the word more so for tonight's show. Before she left, she goes, I can get in. Those are two separate words. Ah, fuck. I didn't. More so? Moron. Don't try to make me dumb. You're a moron. Also two words. All right. Look. I think Dan lived in a place where fucking gang warfare was going on. Yeah, but it's. What, on Long Island? No, no, Dan. No, I'm high. Dan's Denver. That's what I think, too. That's why I'm thinking. Long Island could be, but again, it's. It's not me. It's not gang, but. It's very well-known. Guys, I've also seen. Yeah, what? Jay's the only one who currently wears a bandana. Well, that means he's never been jumped. All right, so the story is. He always has a bandana hanging out of his ass. Come see me. Buck a shot. Pull up. I do think. It could be anybody except for Karen. I think it's Big Jay. I think it could be Big Jay. Oh, it's Dan. But I think also Dan might be deflecting now because he got excited. I promise you it's not me. That I got the smell off of him. Just then he blew it. It's coming from that side. It's coming from that side of the room. Yeah. I feel the energy. Can I tell you a fun fact? You can tell me a lot of things. I can. These could all be lies, by the way. Two malls when I was growing up. Springfield Mall and Granite Run Mall. The Crip one and the Blood one. There I was at the Blood Mall. With my Crip clothes. Color me silly. Oh, that old fucking. The Blue Barn? I asked, why do they even sell red bandanas here? This is how it happens. You're just going to get yourself in trouble? No, Springfield Mall and Granite Run Mall. I grew up in the city. Like Philadelphia in the city. So there was no going to the mall with your friends. That wasn't the thing we did. You had to be driven by my mom, mom, or mom. Yeah, but you can get in the mall. That makes me think it's Louis. No, no, no. If I never went to the mall by myself, it was always like you had to be taken to the mall. I just think. In middle school, particularly. It's a very Rockland thing to happen, I feel like. These fucking violent kids who are robbing KFCs and doing a lot of shit that you did when you were younger. I almost robbed a KFC. I didn't go through that. I pussied out. You had the screwdriver in your hand. I did. His buddy said he's not robbing a KFC because there's no B in it. Look, we're going to cut that one out. You know what? Alex, God damn it. Hold on, hold on. I'm going to say it again. Let's all just laugh, okay? We're going to reset. First positions. Sagalow, everyone start laughing. And everyone laugh. Okay, good. Right? I've also. I've seen where Dan. from I don't see any I've never seen any violent gangly kind of they're just like are you crazy columbine happened there everything happened there columbine's littleton that's different it was a fucking stone's throw and you know it wasn't a stone oh why do you claim it when you need it but you fucking deny it when it comes up like this someone wrongs you mr i was almost there like shit if i would have fucking if i wasn't late that day i would have been killed if my hotel room isn't ready i'll dylan klebold this whole place oh mr my fall my fucking long jackets and the cleaners i'd love to join you guys those aren't gang members those are goths it's a much different thing i know but i'm telling you it's a place do you remember there was a documentary when i was on hbo called banging in little rock and it was about the bloods and the crips but not the ones you think these fucking goofy white hillbilly people who fucking think they're in the bloods and the crips because you can just start factions when there's no black people around this is dan locked in dan soda and his fucking hillbilly fucking white friends jay this is white bloods who fucking or white crips who beat up dan's friend i'm sorry dan what are you saying here i think it's jay you think it's jay why why do you think it's jay because how hard he's pushing at me and i know it's not me i just told you there's a lot of passion i could never walk to a mall until i moved never in my life yeah but this never said walk to a mall you were at the mall and this happened and jay was dropped off with all my friends by my mom also jay's in middle school i think the boss is big so the guy wants to buy it so yeah jay's 50 years old did the bloods and crips exist when he was in middle school yes they would try to stop gang violence all the time with west coast rap songs self-destruction you're headed for self-destruction at the end they always show they always show two black guys holding a red and blue bandana with a knot in the middle do you know a lot about bandana culture that's what i'm saying he's like hip-hop also he goes if they're wearing it right side it isn't aggressive move yeah yeah i wear on the left side because i'm a power bottom dan you you've told it also means a bunch of gay shit too it turns out i think it's good you you've you've also i feel like there's been a lot of stories that i've heard from you in life where one of your friends or you are getting beat up after school this is regularly happening with you and your banging little rock dan doesn't have like wigger culture he what have you ever seen him his old pictures total when he had a caesar haircut that is true that's for way too long i think it's big j yeah the bandana thank you the bandana speech really sold me on you but then dan started pushing hard it's either big j or dan if it's not me but brendan was like really quiet too just now i've been screaming this entire time no i'm also nervous my heroes are here if it's if it's karen we're in big trouble yeah now it's not sagaloo but i'm sure something flowery about the sentence. None of us did. Exterior. That's a Henry Hill line right there. We didn't know how deep we were. We were kids. That makes me think it's Dan a little bit. It's not me. I love gay-ass language. That's true. It's not me, though. I promise you. A lot of people don't know about you. Dan's a poet. Now I really think it's Big J. But that made me think it's Big J, too. Literally, you pointing out that line, it's kind of a Big J-ism. That's a Big J. You talk like that. But here's the other thing. I watched Dan get very excited as more people started putting up Big J just now. I saw his lip quiver in happy emotion. His answer was because he knows it's not him. I know it's not me. Let me just ask you, Dan, is it you? No. Big J, is it you? No. Are you being crazy right now? Fuck, is it Big J? Come on, dude. You're being weird tonight. Look, somebody's cleaned up either way. I'm going to tell you why I think it's Big J. Because he threw out the whole, like, I didn't even live by them all. You're taking an airplane there. That doesn't make sense. Are you kidding me? You're from the 80s. My friend had to get on one of those. He was on a train track to get to the mall. Why you'd have to send ahead five days? Let me make you feel comfortable. That's Dan's plea for why it's me. I got nothing. Maybe it's me. Oh, dude, if I fall for Big J's horseshit but nobody else does, that'd be perfect. J is too confident. Why would I be this confident if I've already been fucking housed? Because you're holding on to one stuff. The hope that I get one fucking lousy point. Can I not be last place and I win 1-0 over Lewis? At least? Christ almighty. Dude, Sagalow could just be sitting there. I know. That's what I'm talking about. We're all talking this out. I'd like to pitch an idea for the show. By the way, Sagalow could be the friend where he's like, yo, this red bandana is your best shit. You would have known that story, though. Can I talk to the producers and Lewis for a second? Please. Just a show idea. Sorry, guys. Please, we'll edit this out. We can edit this out. Could we do, like, a prize closet thing with somebody from the audience that they guess something and the prize closet? Would it be this woman's cleavage? Because I think it'd be fun with the bottom of it. No, the fish in between her tits. Yeah, yeah. Every time you go in, so if some. Oh, yeah, that was right. You got a right answer. Go into the prize closet and you reach it. And maybe you come up with, like, a wacky wall walker or, like, an individual-sized cereal. Maybe, like, an individual cereal. Oh, look, wind-up teeth. Oh, a fucking four-ounce cinnamon toast crunch. Sagalow, is this you? No. Yes. Are you going to believe that lady? Now I'm a. Now I'm a. Now I'm afraid it's Sagalow. That lady's a notorious liar. Remember I said that? I know, Karen. I know, Karen. I didn't hang out with them all. Just want to quote good fellas. I'm following the group. Fuck it. Wow. It's Dan. I'm going to be honest. Dan Soder, you just fucking. You racked up points just now. Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number one, aren't you guys having fun? Of course you are. Yeah. Story number one belongs to Brendan Sagalow. You fool. You fool. You all believe me. I said he was being quiet. Remember? Jay, why were you so charming in your defense? Oh, listen, it's a comedy show, so. Trying to keep everybody alive. I watched you defend it. I go, it's 100% got to be Jay. Sagalow, what are you doing? What happened here? I just thought you were in the Crips. You know what's funny? I lied about everything I said. I used to hang out at the malls all the time. I didn't know about gangs. And it's pretty self-explanatory. My buddy was wearing a red band. Could you bike to a mall? You were that kind of distance? No, we got our moms to drop us off. So that's why I was fucking with you pretty hard. She was just looking like a wigger. She was like, we got our moms to do it. She was like, all right, honey. Now, don't forget to wrap your set. And don't let yourself get G-checked. Okay. How many people did your friend get jumped by? He goes, don't be a bitch now. Remember, if anyone talks shit, you make an example of them. How about, can a Mark-ass buster get a kiss? Well, how many? You said three? It was three guys? So what happened was. And you didn't help him? No, I mean, no, no. By the way. There was no helping him. He was like, I told you not to join the fucking Bloods. I love that Lewis does immediately go like, and you jumped in and fought back-to-back? You guys want John Woo on these packets? They just pushed and hit him once, and then they got separated because there was. There was a woman in the mall. Because you were screaming? My friend! By the way, him saying that. I was getting into the Crips that way. I was like, get him, guys! You've been set up! They go, hey, you know what we love here in the Crips? Strategy. Sorry, what happened to you? How did you break it? They just, they confronted him about the bandana, and he was like, what? No, and then some lady from Gadgets and Gizmos, if everybody's from the Broadway mall in. We called it the Codway mall in Long Island. Nice. The Crodway. And then they just were like, they threatened us at first on an escalator, and then we were like, what the fuck was that? They were escalating? It escalated. I got too high to do the show, I think. No. It's fine. This guy's got a cold. Karen's got to work a library shift in a half hour. Anyway, so they met up with us in front of Gadgets and Gizmos, and the lady separated it because they just started beating on him. Yeah. And that's pretty much it. That didn't sound like a full jump to me. But I did think it was. She was selling like a. She was selling like a VR set to a guy. And she goes, hold on, these kids are about to get their ass kicked. Boys! It was middle school. It was like fucking kinetic sand. She was super serious about it, though. Just the magnetic nails that would all be in a big group for no reason. I remember that story. But if you rewind the tape when somebody said, hey, this isn't about bloods, but it's about blood, I went, that's pretty unique, actually. And none of you caught that. Wow. I pointed out the language. I was on you for a second. Karen, you weren't on. And anything. We all voted for Big J. We just let Brendan pull way ahead of us. Alex, where are our points at after story number one? In first place with four points, Brendan Sagalow. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Yeah, you walked into that one, motherfucker. Damn, dude, that backfired. What a great. What a. Sweet and sour, huh? I've never seen it. Hey, Story Warriors, let's take a second and thank one of our amazing sponsors for today's show, and that is Indicloud. That's right. Indicloud is a fully legal online cannabis dispensary with all the treats you need to trick out any season, especially this Halloween season. 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You just head to hexclad.com slash wars. That's H-E-X-C-L-A-D dot com slash W-A-R-Z. Support the show at checkout. Let them know that we sent you. But at Hexclad. Dot com slash wars right now, you're going to get that 10% off. That's our exclusive link. Check it out. Support them. They support us. Hexclad.com. All right. Let's get back into it. Alex, story number two. Story number two. A family member of mine once purposefully bled all over the family's brand new couch. What? This seems like. Now, this seems like a family that fights a lot. And that's coming Massachusetts way, if you ask me. Oh, I thought you were going to say. Oh, yeah. As is your fucking new white couch. Louis didn't have enough family. The family member that would have done this would have been like his sister bleeding on his mom's couch. You just said it. You really buried the lead. It's obviously Louis' sister. No, it's two in house. It's two in house. This is a feral female. I am thinking that this is a period blood on the family couch. It's dragging your blood. Your vagina on the family couch. This doesn't seem guy or girl to me. This seems location. And this seems fucking Boston Strong. Why? This is happening. Someone just came and goes, yo, they just fucking blew up the goddamn race. Yeah. Well, I'm going to fucking get my period all over your fucking couch. I'm fucking. You should have been there to cheer me on and give me water, you cocksucker. You fucking should have let me in the door. I'm uncorking. I'm bleeding all over your fucking couch. I had a fucking stranger's leg on my shoulder. Fucking. I'm going to show you how I fucking am. Dink. I mean, also, I have enough family members that bleed on a couch. I just want to put that out there. All right, Lewis. You don't have to keep defending the fact that you had no family. I had a couple of family members. Your dad was shot. Your mom died from AIDS. Blah, blah, blah. We all didn't read the books. The thing is. Those wolves had periods. This does feel like a Lewis's family member kind of thing. Because all the tragedy in your life. No, there's no. No one's left. Everyone was killed outside of a strip club. Can I bring it? Hey, guys. Can I bring it? On a couch, though. Can I bring it? My dad came in with a stab wound. He was like. He goes. I just got stabbed at the strip club. Where's my comfy couch? Recline. And your mom's like. Can you take it to the floor? Your mom's like. I can't clean that. I have AIDS cancer. All right. So I'll tell you. The only reason it's not me is because literally my family's never had a brand new couch. Yeah. There's no brand new couch. There's houses that we find in the garbage in the neighborhood every time. Yeah, but that could still be new. That's new to us. That's new to you. And there was already blood on it. Yeah. I don't know why I'm getting Dan Soder vibes on this one. He had a lot of drug addicts in his family. What? A lot. Lewis keeps coming for you. No drug addicts. Alcoholics only. Thank you. Also, it was just me and my mom. I don't think she was. I think your dad spit up fucking blood from his dying liver on your couch. Dad left. Yeah. But my mom and I lived together. That'd be crazy if she bought a new couch and then bled all over it to state dominance. For you. Yeah. She goes. Just so you know, Dan, this is my couch. Women can be strong, too, Daniel. Women can be strong. I'm like. This is how you know I'm the left chair. Karen, what do you think? And I see you're deep in thought. If this is a chick, like, getting her period on purpose on the couch. Oh, it says purposely. That's a great point. How do you guys do that? Blowing your thumb? That's his name. That's his name. Howl at the moon. I'm going to fucking do it. Like, you're mad. Go outside. Get close to the fucking moon. Purposefully makes me think it's not a period. You can't purposely get your period. Yeah, you can. Well, you could be getting it and then rub. You can? Go on, Brendan. From what I know. I was like, a girl ever stared you in the eyes while getting her period all over your, like, belongings? Like, that's what I'm picturing. It's Karen. Like, this is crazy. Dan, I think it was Karen from the get-go. I've had Karen. Why are you saying Karen? I'm just trying to get in that head of a girl. Hold on, though, because. Karen's got a sister, by the way. Well, also, that's what I was going to say. Sagalow snaked us by being quiet until the end. He has a sister. Yeah. You also have a sister, Dan. Don't make me picture my sister. Lewis, first and foremost, she was crushed by a car on the highway. Well, what if she. Hold on. What if Dan's sister went through the windshield, rolled into the living room, and died on the couch? Whoa! And then hemorrhaged on the couch. And then I went. And you go, at least she died where she wanted to be. Yeah. She got home. I'd give her an Arnold line. Relax. I think it might be. What if it's Sagalow's sister? It could be two Sagalows from the same room. You guys are. This is what happens in this game. You guys have locked into some kind of sister idea. This could be a fucking psycho brother who came in, just cut his fucking hand to be like, fuck this place. This is hard. And I think that's Boston psychosis. That's Boston crazies. Some fucker, the socks lost, and somebody was like, yo, fuck you, new couch, you cocksucker. But I also think. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But I also think. I don't know, man. Can I say, Jay is kind of. My dad would just be bleeding a lot, and we wouldn't know why. And if we were like, Dad, what happened? He'd be like, ah, you know. And he'd wipe it on himself. Is she telling us who she is? Is she reverse. Yeah. Maybe. Who knowing us? But also, because Jay's talking about this like this is a Boston thing, but this could easily be a Philly thing. Yeah. I'm the first member of Boston. I'm the first member of my family to get a new couch. Well, hold on. Wait a minute. I don't think that's true at all. She goes, yo, Joe fucking bled all over the couch. No, I guess not. Now I'm thinking of this. Big Jay was like in a lower middle class household. They had a new couch. She had a stepdad. No, no, no. Jay got a new couch, but he had to bleed on it. New couch came when we moved across the street to a bigger apartment, and then we took that couch to the new. When we got a townhouse. Attached to four or five other houses. But you just said you never had a new couch. All of a sudden, the story's changing as soon as I press you. Yeah. Fuck, now I think it's Louis. I think it's Louis. Fuck, man, I locked in early. Damn. This is Big J's acting right now. It is 100% Big J. Shit. Okay, I'll tell you something. If I were you guys, I would feel terrible right now. Because it's definitely now me or Louis. For sure. Look at this weird, the way he said me. But I'm telling you, it's not me. But it could be. Jason, is it you? Everyone knows it's Big J right now. Ah, shit. But the way Louis is saying that. Because I don't think it's Louis. It's Louis. Can I tell you something? Please. No one purposely, but my siblings were all children when I was a teenager. Yeah. It's not me. I was on welfare in Section 8. We never had a brand new couch ever in my entire life. No, by the way, it says a family's over the family. Okay, so it is your household, it sounds like. This could be like a dog or some shit, too. You know? What? That is also a good point. A family member. By the way, I would disqualify. I would disqualify somebody from the game forever if this was not a human being. I know. This sounds like a chick thing to do. My cat whiskers came in. Wait, wait, wait. Disqualify forever? Yeah. I'm just kidding. Oh, no. Fuck. Fuck. I'm just kidding. It's not me. Maybe it is Karen. Fuck. It's not. I'm joking. God, I hope it is. I'm messing around. I'm playing the game. It's Brendan. It's not me. Ah, shit. It's Louis or Dan. Did I get it right? You said it's everybody. It's everybody but you. Five seconds. Is it? Do you think it's Karen? I think it's Karen. Louis or Dan. My gut was Karen, but then I went away from it, but now this is- I know for a fact it's Louis or Dan. Her behavior has been psychotic since. It's Louis. It's Louis. It's Louis. It's Louis. Everything's telling me this is a woman, so- I don't think this is Louis. No, guys, I was just goofing off with my style. I was goofing. It could be Louis. Karen wrote my name because of her. I said you. I'm an idiot. Alex, everybody's in. Story number two belongs to- Louis J. Gomez. Yes! I knew it. I knew it from the beginning. You filthy- I fall for the Oliver Twist shit every fucking time. Can I say this? Big J literally described the story, and if you would have read my book, you would have known the story's in the book, Knives and Spoons. I don't like reading. It was my sister. It was my mom's couch. My aunt had co-signed for Ashley's or one of these shitty fucking furniture stores, so we had the cheapest couch set you could get. The whole living room set, bedroom sets. Did you have first convertibles? Maybe. My mom never had once planned to pay this off. She was like, all right, cool. We now have free furniture. Then my sister, she used to get bloody noses easily. If the wind blew too hard, she'd get a bloody nose. My mom would- Why? Because it would make you mad enough to punch her in the face? Fucking wind! Why is it always against me? My mom was a lunatic, and they would get into full flight. They would have to dodge fist fights, so my mom straight-up boxed her up one day in the living room, and her nose started gushing blood, and then my sister literally goes like this. She goes, and just smeared it all. Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. It's all brulette, dude. No, it's okay. By the way, as you're telling it, you've told me that story before. That's how little I hold information, you say. She smears it all over the couch and sort of like snot rocketing on the couch. Oh, my God. And literally, I was like, oh, my fucking God. My son. Ashley's furniture. My sister's stone-cold Steve. It was the most hardcore shit I've ever seen. Hell, yeah. Fuck you, Bob's discount furniture. Then she ran into her bedroom and locked the door, and my mom just like beat on the door. Damn. It was crazy. Anyway, that was your bar mitzvah. Alex, where are our points at? In third place with two points, Karen Feehan. Good job. Good job. In second place with three points. Louis J. Gomez. And in first place with four points, Brendan Sagalow. Four, four, four, four. Yeah, let's get some more points for me, okay? He's got to jump off. This is starting to hurt. We've got to get at least one more point. I know. Actually, you know what? Why don't we take some points from me? Just take away a point. Rip one of those away. I feel like I was loyal. He goes, Jay, I'm going to spot you one. Who wants a point? I'm going to take one of my points. Alex. Story number three. Story number three. A morbidly obese woman got her period all over my sheets in a hotel. I told her it was okay, but it really wasn't. This screams Jay. Screams Jay, yeah. What? Screams Jay. Screams Jay. Screams Jay. Does it? But that screams Jay so much that it makes me think it's Louis. Does it scream me? Does it scream? He says, yeah. He's like, yes. That's what that fat bitch was screaming that night. Bitch, Jay. Fuck you in my bloody hole. But I told her it was okay. That is a Jay. Yeah, I told her it was okay. Is it fucking? You don't think it's fucking? What? Could be a hooker. You said fucking. Yeah, no, I know. It's obviously fucking. Who's just hanging out with a fat chick in their hotel room. And then she got her period all over the bed. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Karen could have a friend that was a big girl. Karen famously has gone against the fats. Yeah, that's true. And also with them. She drew a line in the sand real early. I'm going to let you know. It's not Karen. Listen, it's you. How do you know it's not me? Here's the truth. I don't think it's Karen. It's me or Big Jay. What? That's unquestionably. I know it's not me. So I know it's Big Jay. But we can play this game for the next five minutes. We do have to kill some time. I think we have to get really clear about what morbidly obese means. What would you consider morbidly obese? What's the number? I want dimensions. I want height and weight. Google has said I'm morbidly obese. Under six foot three twenty. Okay. No. You were going to say five hundred pounds. No, I was going to say five foot something. Jason, that's crazy. Jane's making her hotter in the story now. She's like, no, she has like five seven pounds. She's like, most of it's in her tits and ass. It wasn't that bad. Honestly, I got an answer. She fucking bled all over the sheet. She lost weight. So it was good. It was about 30 pounds of blood. It was just a clot that burst. I didn't think it was you, Louis. You said it's me or you. Yeah. Why you? Because I fucked a bunch of morbidly obese bitches who have bled all over my sheets. Really? You mad at me? There was one mattress. I made calm. Girl, he used to move comics. Wait, I made him move my mattress. It looked like fucking Jeffrey Dahmer's mattress. It was crazy. Literally, I'm watching my piece against his face. Multiple. Louis, how is this not so? It's just you. I mean, he said he's done this. Maybe. I don't know. I'm not locking it in yet. That's for sure. Jay's Jay's trying to stretch it out now. We all know it's Jay. We can sit here, play the game. Well, I know it's not. I will suck your cock dry. If this is not you, why on this show right now? Yeah. Say less, dude. Can I throw out? Say less. I have a potential. Hang on. I'm going to fluff because I don't want to show the crowd as super soft. Karen, yes? I have a potential theory. What if it was someone at a comedy festival sharing a hotel room? So it's you. Oh, I said Louis. Louis is the only person who made this fucking. I think it's fucking as well. And I just don't think it's Karen because I don't think you would say it's okay. I think you'd yell at her. You'd be really mean. You go, why did you do this? Why did you do this? My hotel room, you pig. Learn your cycle. You are not your pin. Read the tie. You fucking pig. Yeah, that's actually another great. Just so you guys know, I've been nonstop. I know it's sort of a joke, but I've been nonstop fluffing. And also, I'm almost there. I'm going to stop. It's over. So the other side of it is that Big Jay is the nice guy. Like, Big Jay would tell this girl that it's okay. If it was me, I'd headbutt her. And make her bleed out of her face. No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would. I'd shoot her. I'd kill her. I'd kill her. I would dart her. Like, with those darts. You're a. I would dart her with one of those darts, she said. You know what I mean? And I'll tell you why. I heard one story of you being, like, rude to a chick you were hooking up with. I'm a rude boy. No, you're nice to every single woman you make love with. I do. I make love to them. He does. Even prostitutes. I make love to prostitutes. Like, I kiss them. It's true. Yeah. There's girls. There's women of the night that go, this man was so sensitive. Yeah. 100%. She goes, one night, 15 years ago, I met the guy that I should have walked away from all this for. He kissed me like he cared. Yeah, dude. Come here. Run. Trixie, come here. He gave me a boyfriend experience. Wait, Dan. And I don't mean this to be rude, but weren't you overweight at some point in your life? What? No, no, no. I have an abnormally large head. Okay. Yeah. He was 210 pounds, 200 of 10. Well, that's probably good for going down on chicks. Well, no. I'm like a bathtub floaty for a fat woman. That's all right. Dan, let me tell you something. Dan, chicks have never been Dan's problem, and he's never fucked a morbidly obese girl in his life. Yeah. How do you know? It's absolutely true. Dan's father is here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's been alive. The whole time Not my boy He would never do that I was there son When you fucked That morbidly obese chick I thought she was Two people I thought it was A threesome Look it could be Sagalow It's not It's not me And I'll tell you why I've never fucked A fat girl All the girls I fuck May be mean But very pretty That's like the end Of a fucking sitcom episode I'm proud of you I have fucked Many morbidly obese women And that is why It is Big Jay But I'm sure They also go Like in their history They go I fucked a morbidly obese girl Yeah He was so nice After I bled On his hotel room He walked me To the parking lot He was uncomfortable Because he also was fat And probably bleeds Against his will I already put my Jay why do you think It's Louis Because it's not me And he's not He's right It's one of us Wasn't it just Louis The round before No Louis got me It can be multiple stories When Louis said Fucking It's just a detail That's not in there That I'm like Always go like Oh when someone adds a detail It's not in the story It makes me think It might be them Yeah that's such a good point You can deduce Yeah She took a deduce In the bathroom actually It's like a grizzly bear But to make your guys job easier I would say It's me or Louis Probably But this I didn't I don't This is me This doesn't strike me As fucking right away That's crazy That's weird That's a crazy reason I know you too What is she doing In your hotel room then I'm saying A girl can sit I'm gonna say If she sat down On my thing And got her period Like Sitting down You fucked her In the room And she bled everywhere Yeah Yeah but why would I Fuck someone I wouldn't fuck A morbidly obese woman On her period also Maybe your dick is so huge That you made her bleed And I also don't believe You know what Vote for me dude My cock I'm gonna Change the way I tell the story though I'm making about My huge cock Sagal Who'd you do I did Big Jay Cause I feel like Yeah You have to be Fucking her To get her period On the bed You think I fuck Bitches periods out Listen I'm not Yes I do But I'm not huge Yes I do You don't need to be Back in the day Yeah Big Jay Listen me and Jay Here's why I know Jay's the same guy as me Back in the day If there was pussy available No matter how fat No matter how gross No matter how much She was bleeding We would fuck it And that's why We're friends No you know what And that's why We'll be friends For the rest of our lives I knew him back then And he's not wrong Alex all of our answers Are in Louis fucking Racked if it's him Oh if it's Karen What if it's Karen This whole time I wish it was me dude I'd finally have a chance In this game Alex It's anyone's game No Story number three Belongs to Not Sagal again Big Jay Yeah Yes By the way It's just the way Yeah It's the whole thing This feels like This would be your closer Every time dude Every time It comes back to bite me Too hilarious Can I say something But it's like Louis has also done that Yeah That's why I have that story He walked in the steps Of the killer Yeah This is like When you bring a serial killer In to catch another serial killer He goes She was very fat Too fat for the bed They have the mask on They have the mask on me I'm in jail Hey you want to buy Tickets to Skank Fest I'm sorry I'm busy that weekend It was Big Jay Clarice It was Big Jay the whole time It was Big Jay That's so funny Is there any more To this story Except for you were Fucking a big fat bitch In your hotel room Nope I wasn't fucking anybody I thought Earlier in the night I almost hooked up With somebody else Who I was into But it just got derailed Like time wise So Then I had the problem Where I was It was late night And I was thinking Fucking boner thoughts So I reached out To a girl Who I know likes me And it was like And by the way She had left With like her friends Hours before And I called At like three in the morning And I went Where'd you go? I just went out I just went outside And you're not there I thought you were Going to hang a little bit So she rushes back over I felt so bad She comes up And I was like Alright She'll love this And I'm going to You know Get it over with And we'll do it That's crazy And by the way So she started She'll love this That's crazy That's crazy She'll love this She was wanted She very much Check this out I'm about to make this Walking I'm about to make this Walking water bed happy Oh This has got nothing to do With me being Whatever she felt about me It would have been great for her But it doesn't She started blowing me And I started fingering her On the bed And it got so wet sounding That I was like Oh yeah I think she's about to squirt And then I looked down And it was just A puddle of blood Like she was shot in the pussy Like we're sort of like Growing on the sheet Like you know what I mean Like it was a circle That started getting To a big oval And then And I was like I think Freddy Krueger's In the room I went I went I went Ah! And she got up And she goes Oh my god And she went in the bathroom For 40 minutes Crying and going Like I'm so embarrassed And I had to sit there going It's okay While I was trying to like Lighter my hand Like to try to get Like the blood I was like And when she left I was like It's cool She was pretending to cry She was eating in the bathroom Probably Probably She goes There was Uber Eats I would have gotten a butt knock I go She goes It's my pizza Let him in All I brought with me Was this Was this purse chicken All I have is A fucking pile of Hershey's Kisses In my sack I'm losing iron I need I need help You don't understand I bled out She was in there Saying how she was embarrassed You know For whatever it was 15 minutes really But like And I just kept going like It's totally cool Listen Shit happens No big deal As soon as she got She came out and left Pretty much immediately And then I treated those sheets Like fucking Like they had the Outbreak virus on them I was like Hey do you have anybody In maintenance That has a Has a fucking blowtorch Or Some kerosene Maybe kerosene You got one of them Dustin Hoffman suits From Outbreak Oh poor girl Her name's Bernadette Alex She's dead She's dead from something Fat related by now Alex Three stories down Where are our points at In last place With one point Big Jay Oakerson Back in the game You're in the game Tied for third place With two points each Karen Feehan And Dan Soder In second place With five points Louis J. Gomez And in first place With six points Brendan Sagal Four Six Four Four Four He got a controversial Procedure done Six and a half Yeah Six and a half Six and a half Sagalow I'm counting my calories You can almost Taste the pages Of fucking Brute a novel By Sam Talent Skankfest Mainstay And new face At 2019's Just for laughs festival Shout out Sam Talent Trades his razor sharp Comedic wit For a legit Hard edge thriller About a former marine With nothing to lose When a routine kill Backfires Robert Bougelais Is handed A lethal Ultimatum Execute An impossible Hit in Paris Or Become the next Name on his own Handler's list But do you think The handler can read His name? Bougelias Bougelias I can't find This guy I want to kill This guy for you But I don't know Where to find him Do you have Bougelias? Alex Story number four Story number four Once While in a blackout I left a trail Of blood Up to my bedroom For my partner To find Karen Karen Karen It's Karen And the guy Might be Louis Because I'll tell you what I Because Yeah So Karen Here's the thing She would black out I'm in here What? Karen would black out All the time Wait a minute And then she She told me this When we Because I dated Karen Years ago She blacked out She had a blackout She had something like Three or four concussions From falling And slamming her head Into things When she blacked out I wasn't a bleeder I wasn't a bleeder though Those are bruises They were all They were all internal Thank you She's Boston Strong This is dirty This is I wouldn't bleed All over stuff This does feel like Sagalos Something Sagalos Yeah This is more like Sagalos and blackout drink I mean I used to But I've never bled In a trail I've never had a partner Up to Up to No I'm just kidding No but this really Has never happened to me You've had a ton of I'll tell you what I'll tell you I don't know what else to say But this has never happened And Dan you're not A blackout drinker Go ahead No I was great You remembered all of it Yeah And you were having a Would you ever blackout Dan By the end Started happening Like once in a while And that's when it started Getting like Oh that got real bad Dan's got a huge head He can just bump it Into almost anything And bleed Yeah dude I get nicked Like a Cadillac Yeah And the head bleeds a lot Yeah Dan trying to walk Into her room Is like trying to Fucking issue me In a garage - Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Up to my bedroom feels like Karen. Yeah, it's Karen. Up to. Why? Because you're a slut. No. No. That's not what I'm saying. You're the one who bleeds all the time. What? You bleed all the time. You've bled on me multiple times. I did. By the way, I should have told that story. One time, I had a Shalizian cyst removed from my eye, and I had an eye patch, and she picked me up from. Look, she's very sweet. She was my girlfriend at the time. She picked me up from the hospital. I had somebody pick me up, and then I went home, and I fucked her that day, and I was fucking her from behind, and my eyes started bleeding onto her back. Yeah, yeah. I was crying blood. It was that afternoon after the hospital, because he couldn't see. He had Ray Charles glasses on, and they were wheeling him around, and he's hitting on all the nurses, or just these busted black women. They were beautiful. You had a boner for what they sounded like, because you got home, and you wanted to have sex. I was like, should we? It's fine. You're a bloody person. Yeah, I started bleeding like I was possessed by the devil. Blood started pouring out of my eyes. Stigmata? Yeah. Yeah, I felt the droplets on my back. I can't believe you guys didn't work out. Now, Louis lives with his boy in New Jersey, and Karen, it looks like, I guess, hits Japanese business. This has been with a ruler for a while. This is a fun outfit. She goes, sorry, I got to go stomp on some Wall Street nuts after this. I'd love to kill more time, but this is Karen Fian. I am getting Karen Fian vibes as well. It's not me. You're going to feel foolish. Who do you think it is? I think it's Louis. Louis has never blacked out. Louis or Brendan. He just says this, so there's no crime reported. I hate to be. I really don't want to sound sexy. I really don't, but blacking out is such a chick thing to do. That's true. Very true. Like, you guys black out all the fucking time. Trust me, I know. Damn, I locked in Karen. That's how I have three kids. Now I think it's Brendan. How do you think I get laid? I do think it's Brendan. I think I messed up. Karen changing her answer at the last minute. She's so bummed out. She got no points this round. Alex, whose story was story number four? Story number four belongs to Karen. Of course. Yeah. Oh, you had a partner? Maybe my story selection was a little. I mean, there was other ones in there. I don't know. So who was this person that you were banging? Oh my God, Lawrence. He was so mean. He would find me wherever, and this time I was in the bedroom, and I had a fat lip. I had fallen up the stairs, too, so it was blood on every step. And then he made me. Fat lip, fat ass. Thanks, Brendan. Really thought that would get a big laugh. And then he did the thing where he grabbed me and made me look at myself in the mirror, and I looked like somebody punched me in the face. I had two black eyes. He did the thing where he grabbed me and made me look at myself in the mirror. That is not a thing that anyone's ever done. She goes, Yes, there's Lewis. I have a shorthand for it. It's called getting Hasselhoffed. It's when they record you eating a cheeseburger on the floor and they show you what you're like. So he made me say Bloody Mary three times and some ghost fucking killed me. You got Christmas carols? Yeah. I'm going to show you what life would have been like if you didn't fall up those stairs. I got hammered. I got hammered. Three ghosts will visit tonight. They couldn't see me or hear me. I was fucking drunk. He was like, look at yourself, and I was like, whatever. I got to get this sushi samba. I don't have time for that. I didn't have time for this, and I would just go to work. Well, you went to work? Yeah. She worked at Sushi Samba. By the way, Sushi Samba. Well, you went to work after this happened? Well, first I went to a. Mind your business, Dan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, but if I was getting sushi, I was like, hey, you notice the waitress has a fat, bloody lip? Like, legit. Yeah, you notice she has cum on her forehead and a fat lip? Did you notice the carpet burns on her knees? Oh, dear God. You notice she has milk mustache and a fucking. Milk mustache? So, Karen, you went to Sushi Samba, and what happened? I went to work. That's why I worked. That was it. Yeah. All right. Damn, dude. Great story. That's so funny. You know what's funny is, as a former waiter, whenever you're on a smoke break, you go like, what'd you do last night? Karen's like, fell off the stairs, busted my face. I gotta go in. I just got double-sacked. And my abusive boyfriend held my face in front of the mirror and said, look what you've become. There was cum everywhere. He grabbed me by the bottom of my neck like a newborn and shoved my face in the mirror. I went. My boyfriend's being such a dick about it, I'm gonna fuck a busboy tonight. That'll teach him. Yeah, that will teach him. That'll get back at him. Fuck yeah. He goes, Miss Karen, I won't show your face to you. You are so pretty. I like your lip being fat. I love you. You are gorgeous. You are funny. You are citizen. I love you bleed up the stairs. Only loser fall downstairs. You fall up. Ask backwards into gold as they say. Four stories down. This is devastating. In last place with two points, Karen Feehan. I am so happy. You never root for me. It was a great story. In fourth place with three points, Big Jay Oakerson. In third place with four points, Dan Soder. Coming for you, Sagalow. In second place with seven points, Luis J. Gomez. And in first place with eight points, Brendan Sagalow. Two times four. Two times four. That's good. Two times four. My head. Don't make this any harder. We are halfway through our show. I'm spinning. At this point, we're going to go around the horn. Do some plugs real quick with our guests. Dan Soder, what are you plugging, my friend? Remember this is coming out around Halloween. Oh, okay. I'm on the. Dan Soder's Sordid House and Spooky Castle. Yeah. Come to my haunted nightmare. It'll be running through October 31st. November 5th through the 7th, Salt Lake City. Wise Guys, December 10th through the 12th. Comedy at the Carlson Rochester. DanSoder.com for tickets. Thank you very much. Soder the podcast. Bye. Dan Soder. Karen Feehan. You know, just check out the pod. I'm going to be in Boston at Nick's Comedy Stop November 21st, that weekend. That's it. That's it for me. I'm losing. Sagalow. I'm losing. Check out Fart Carnival and Sag Daddy the Pod. And November 6th, I will be in Ontario, Canada. So come on. Okay, boo. Big J. Oakerson. I'm all over the road. Check me out. BigJComedy.com for all my dates and tickets. Listen to The Bonfire, Faction Talk, Sirius XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly five days a week. And of course, the flagship show over here at Gas Digital, The Legion of Motherfucking Skanks. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. And watch the Kevin Hart roast. It's still there. Six months ago. Six months ago, but I did well. Come see me on the road, lewisofskanks.com. Make sure if you love the show, you subscribe to Gas Digital. We do an uncensored ad-free version of the show. A lot of the stuff that can't go to YouTube, you can get it on Gas Digital without all the ads, which can get very annoying. Plus, you get pre-release in the entire on-demand library. There's about 70 episodes that are not available anywhere else in the world. You can only get them at gasdigital.com. Use the promo code WARS with a Z. Save a couple bucks a month. Support the show directly. It's the best way you can support the show and uncensored comedy. Buy my book, Knives and Spoons. At this point, the audio book should be out, I believe. But grab it in hard copy or grab the audio version on Audible, Knives and Spoons, by the Puerto Rican writers like Lewis J. Gomes. Thank you. Thank you. Well, it's pretty good. It's been a good first half of this game and it really is anybody's game still. We're all involved. And anything can change in the drop of a hat because for the second half of the game, as you all know, as returning story warriors, we go double points. Very easily, very easy to explain. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed somebody correctly, you got two. You got two points. But that now jumps. Sagalow, tell them what it jumps to. Double points. That feels good. That feels good. You know what? Karen, hit him with one, would you? Hey, guys, this round we're going to do double points. Alex, our next story. I'm going to do double points. Double points. That was worth the service. Guys, look at what's going on. Everyone's having so much fun right now. Like, everyone's cheering and screaming. Except these four hot bitches in the back. They're like, what the fuck's going on? You fucking hot bitch. Get off your phone. We're talking to you. Hey, leave them alone, you guys. Leave them alone, you guys. Hey, you guys. Whoa, Brendan. You don't want to talk to me. I didn't want to do that. Use your karate for emergencies. Hey, girls. These bitches couldn't have cared at all about double points. Girls, if you're wondering who your hero is, it's Brennan Sagalow, and you can each have your own inch. Wait, can I say something? There's four other Hawkgirls in this corner. They're hyped. They knew from the beginning. They're hyped. These girls are hyped. Yeah, fuck you. Beat their asses, girls. You get free. Fight them. Free double points T-shirts for life. Louis is like, another podcast idea. Beauty babes boxing. Four at a time. Oh, my God. Alex, what the fuck are you doing? Hit us with story number five. Story number five. I had my head slammed into a locker. In middle school. When I got up, blood was running all down my face. The entire hallway freaked out, and I had to go to the nurse. This is Dan. You look like Frankenstein. He goes, I did cut that part of the story. Someone produced fire, and I freaked out. The townspeople were after me with pitchforks and fire. I agree. This sounds like, and I don't mean to sound bad, but this sounds like a fat little dweeb. Yeah. Brendan Sagalow being a nerd. His friend got beat up at the mall. He came back. He's also like, you know, like. He doesn't fight. He's afraid. I fight all the time. He also kind of is a smart ass, so you could see him getting like, you know. I know Dan does voices, though, that might bother certain people. That's true. That's true. Hey, this is what you sound like, jerk off. This is what you sound like, captain of the bench-pressing team. I'm a real fern. This could have been a whole friend group of Jamaican nurses. By the way, Sagalow does seem like he got inspired by the school nurse. You got to let him stop slamming you like that. I think it'd be beautiful how you'd be rhyming our words. You got to defend yourself, young fat boy. I think. I think you don't need to be blocked to rap. Yeah, listen, I want to say it's Dan. I don't think he's had a story yet. But the thing is, this isn't like. Dan wasn't picked on. No, I was tall and skinny, but I wasn't picked on. Who said picked on? You were funny. It said your head was slammed into a locker. Sagalow was like, oh, fuck it. He goes, who said picked on? Some people call this a hello. This is really cool. He goes, it's how I knew people knew who I was. It became my greeting. Look, you guys. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I didn't stop the show, but I was actually very cool. I mean, this also could be one of Karen's boyfriends getting sick of her shit again. That's true. I can tell you, by the way, I wasn't cool, but I wasn't picked on. You're six foot four. Nobody was slamming your head into a locker. But Jay, let me say, this could be a girl fight, and then she looks like Carrie with fucking blood. And then eventually she had to get a fucking killer body to come back and kill everybody. Because that's a Massachusetts fight. That's a fucking middle school girl fight. I feel like it's Lewis or Brendan. It's like a Lewis type versus Brendan. I got to tell you. Sorry, I had to throw a bottle at people talking. She caught it, though. I know she caught it. You're lucky you caught it, bitch. Points. I got to tell you, that little spiel just made me think it's Dan. Why do you think it's Dan? I'm sorry, I missed it. He put it to Brendan, but it didn't. Brendan. He put it to Brendan, but it didn't seem. I don't know. It seemed like he was deflecting more than. I think it's Dan. Dude, if I slam my head into a locker in middle school, it would have taken out the whole room. Yeah, it would have came out of the elevator doors. I went to public school. You'd cross the city and force me into a fucking book drive. It'd be like The Shining where the doors open and the whole thing. If someone slammed my head into a locker, they would have called me to the office like a cop that blew up the city. They'd go, you're costing this place $30,000. Put your gun and your badge here. Suspension. Hold on. Also, you know how much? You know how much blood that would be running down my face? I have a big fucking head. But Dan wasn't bullied. No, this is. This is, I maybe think, tricky wording, too, because it said I had my head slammed into a locker. Could have been just like from getting bumped or something. It could have been from like friends roughhousing, which I feel like is a very Dan thing to do. Horsing off? Horsing off. Yeah, Dan's a headlock guy. Seems like a headlock guy. Yeah. Lewis is a fucking leg lock guy. Lewis is about to slam her. Lewis gets into inappropriate fucking friend fights in real life. Let me say this. Guys, shut the fuck up in the corner, for the love of God. It's so distracting. We're recording a show. We get it. This doesn't mean anything to you guys, but we all fucking care about the show. It's my livelihood. I like saying the word livelihood. Dan Soder dies and bleeds for this from his head in a locker. Dude, I'm telling you right now, if my head slammed into a locker, it would do severe damage. It's still called the Dan Soder Memorial Locker. They go, some kid in fucking 96. They let all over this place. They treat it like the 9-11 holes. Yeah. I think it's Brendan. I'm thinking it's Brendan as well. No, no. You're making the biggest mistake of your life. We found out that Brendan earlier was a coward. No, no. Ladies in the back, I'm very cool. He always, by the way, whenever it's. Don't think that. He's very brave. He just kind of goes back in the cut when it's his story and waits. Yeah, that's also true. Brendan Sagalow is very brave. He white raps. Do you know the scrutiny that comes? That's a headlock into a locker. And it goes a little something like this. The kid got out of it because of it. The principal was like, why did you do it? He was like, he was rapping. He's like, get out of my office. Yeah. I went, please don't hit me. I'm going to fucking shake up the system. Big mistake, Lewis. It was Dan. I'm shaking up the system, dude. I think it's Dan. It's Dan because he rough houses and he plays. He's in the horse play. Yeah. What? And he doesn't even wait until after he's eaten for 20 minutes. Before he goes in a pool. I've seen it. You were talking about. This guy doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. Oh, I got to sweat. One thing I have to say about Dan Soder. Sagalow's convincing you. Oh, Christ. Sagalow's tainted James. That shit was Sagalow. The way he panicked and dropped his fucking ass. Yeah. It was Sagalow. You fucking asshole. It's not me. You put me. I don't give a fuck. It's not me. Ah, you idiot. You fool. No. Dan was hanging with his friends. They were talking about like, Queens of Stone Age, Christopher Cross, and one way. The story didn't exist. And he went, Pang. Alex, you know why this is Brendan Sagalow's story very obviously? Story number five belongs to Dan Soder. Oh, now, fuck. You had it all along. Of course, I was putting a headlock. I went to middle school with black kids. Oh, my. My head was like some sort of trophy to them. Yeah. What happened? Everybody wanted to bring home the ivory. Why did you get your head slammed into a lock? Literally, passing period, we were slapboxing and I fucking caught this kid Martel in the face and he grabbed my head and went, boop. And the door thing. Martel was a Chinese fella? Yeah. Okay. The door, the door lock hit the top of my head and I just picked my face up and I was talking to my friends and blood just started like Papa Shango in the ultimate world. Ultimate warrior? Ultimate warrior? Yeah, dude. Blood just started coming down and I went, like that? And everyone was like, ah! Everyone ran. It was terrifying. I knew it was him. Yeah. Well, you didn't put me. I know. I'm such an idiot. Alex, five stories down. Where are our points at? So upset. I'm devastated. Tied for third place with seven points. Seven points each. Luis J. Gomez and Big J. Oakerson. Yo! You're the cold. In second place with eight points, Dan Soder. Nice. Ouch. What a shift. Ah. And in first place with 12 points, What? Brandon Sagalow. Four times three. Four times three. Four times three. Wow. Story Warriors, it is that time to thank one of our amazing sponsors for today's show, and that is PrizePix. The NBA is back on PrizePix in a big way. You can pick a shootout in the West and a boards battle in the East, all for the same lineup. Also, I would say save all your time and just go big on the Sixers. Just have fun with the Sixers. You're going to do fantastic if you just do it that way. It's my new system, just bet Sixers. Thank you, LeBron James. And just because basketball is back doesn't mean football is slowing down either. It's such an easy thing to do. You can make your NBA picks like points and rebounds, and you add your football picks like touchdowns and passing yards and put them all in the same lineup. It's a very, very simple app to use. You pick two to six players across any sport, and you're just going against their projected stats. You're doing more or less. for their projected stats. that simple. And you could do football and basketball together. Again, all in the same lineup. You could have football picks. You could have NBA picks. They have live box scores to track your picks without even leaving the app. And the social feature lets you find and copy other users picks in just one click. If you trust somebody else a little bit more than you to make those picks. If you download the app right now, the prize picks app and use the code wars with a Z W a R Z. You're going to get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win that first $5 lineup again, download that app, the prize picks app, use the code wars, and you're going to get $150 in lineups instantly. When you win that first $5 lineup, if you win that first $5 lineup, that's prize picks run your game. All right, let's take a quick moment and thank body brain coffee for being a long time supporter of story wars. Jay, you're not a big coffee guy. I know that. But, but you can't ignore the reviews on Amazon. You can't ignore the reviews on Shopify. People seem to love body brain coffee. The jury's in the people spoken. They love bodies. They love brains, body brains coming together. No one cup every morning. She an ironic no brainer. Look, most mushroom coffees suck. They stink. Okay. They, they taste bad. They taste like sludge in a cup. We started with real premium freeze dried Columbia coffee. And then we added our nootropics and adaptogens that help support your testosterone. Naturally brain function, memory, mood, and everything else. We also just started. We just launched our brand new body brain creamer as well, which is a completely separate stack of nootropics and adaptogens. So one cup of coffee that tastes delicious, it gets you everything that you need to make you be the best version of yourself. We want you to try them both. All you got to do right now is go to bodybraincoffee.com and get the two pack, get the coffee and the creamer together. We're going to give you 10% off plus a free gift of either the body brain mug or the body brain frother. You use promo code war's gift. W A R Z G I F T is the promo code. Save 10% if you buy the coffee and the creamer together, plus get a free mug or a free frother courtesy of body brain coffee, bodybraincoffee.com. All right. Where were we? Alex story? Number six. Story. Number six. I've never seen first blood or any Rambo movie in its entirety. This is Louis. I've seen multiple Rambo movies. It's Louis. He's never seen one. Number one. I know it's not first blood part two Rambo, Rambo three. Uh, I mean, I've seen, I saw the new Rambo two. What was it called? I've seen all of the Rambo movies. What was the first one called? First blood. Yeah. I fuck with Rambo. Who didn't? I mean, it has to be Karen. You maybe have never seen every Rambo in its entirety. Why would she care enough to even put this as a story? Yeah, maybe I'm going to tell you this. I haven't. And this is not me, but it's never been, but it's never been something that would come up in your life where you go, this is a good time. As all the people know, I wouldn't even think of bringing this one of these. I might be a motherfucker. John Rambo was in Taiwan. Where was he? It's not me. It's not Dan. I know that for sure. I know. I've seen every Rambo movie. Me and Dan, I think we watched the last Rambo movie together. I watched that Rambo movie in the movie theater, the newest Rambo. Yeah. So I've seen a Rambo movie in its entirety. So it's Karen or Brendan. It's not me. We may have seen that the Serbia Rambo, the one that took place. It's in Laos. Did we go to the movies together and watch that? I think the one of them, the one where he goes back. Yeah. I think at the end, when he goes back to his family's farm and it turns out Rambo's had a family back home. The whole time. There was a fucking niece and a sister. All right, Lewis. All right, Lewis. It's Brendan. You're a lady boy who's never seen Rambo. I've never seen it, but this isn't me. If you haven't seen it, what happens? Rambo, he blows shit up. He's got a machine gun. That's not a good fucking answer. Now I think it's you. Lewis, Lewis, what happens in First Blood? He goes to Asia. No. You fool. You stupid idiot. Brendan is full. You stupid idiot. Brendan is full. You stupid idiot. Brendan is playing a game right now. I have a terrible memory. It's called Story Wars. All right. You wasted your time. Jay, I saw a Rambo movie with you in the movie theater. That's probably not true. That was Jackass 2. Were you not listening to everything they just said? I've watched every- It's Brendan. It's not me. It's definitely Brendan. It's Brendan or Lewis or Karen. I don't know, dude, because she just goes- She also looks very excited that everyone's not guessing. Jay, I said this. I go, is it you, Karen? And she goes like this. No, but it's you or Brendan. I go, they just gave me- I just gave a two-minute speech on why it's not me. It's not Dan. It's not Big Jay. It's Brendan. It's not me. I think it might be her. It could be Karen, but it's almost too obvious. It's one, two, or three. Yeah. Of course. Or four, or five, or whatever. No, it's not. You know, that's how the game works, but I'm telling you. No, it's not. Jay and I bonded over several Rambo movies. You go, it's one of us up here. Dude, Brendan- The killer's in the house. It's one of us. It must be one of us. That's so fucking funny. Brendan played you so beautifully. That was delightful. The killer is on stage. Who did you say? I think Brendan deflecting it to me was the move. That's pretty possible. I watched a Rambo movie with Big Jay, which is hilarious. Maybe. What happened in the movie, Lewis? I don't remember my own name. I remember what happened in that movie. He went to fucking, I want to say again, Serbia. No. That's Rambo 3, where he trains the Taliban to fight the Russians. That's, yes. Obviously. For sure. He was helping the Taliban, but in the one, one of them he was in- Southeast Asia. It was either- It was either Laos or Malaysia. Laos. It was Asia. I said Asia. Yeah. That's the one in the theater. Oh. That's not what happened in Rambo or First Blood. First Blood's in Oregon. I feel comfortable, Mike. Good, please. I feel confident. I'm glad you lost. I'm glad you lost. Alex, we're- I'm glad you lose. I'm sorry. Alex, whose story was that? Whose story was story number six? Here, and if it's you, I'll never forgive you. Okay. Story number six belongs to Lewis J. Colbert. So annoying. I've never seen a Rambo movie. Never went to the movies with you to watch Rambo. That didn't happen. You said, "I think I saw it with you in the movies." I saw it with friends. Never liked that Lewis can inception your stories. He almost did. He can go back and place himself there. Listen, I won. I guessed Lewis. I didn't, Jay. I didn't believe that I. I didn't believe my own memory. Lewis, halfway through the show, he has to spin that thing to make sure you're not- I was there. Your wife died. I didn't think anybody was going to say, "What was the plot of that movie?" I was like, "Holy fuck." How did you not guess me? Asia. Asia's first blood. First blood takes place in Somerville, fucking America. I've seen bits and pieces of all the Rambo movies, but never- Treat yourself. I saw Cliffhanger. Great. What? Saw Cliffhanger. Over any Rambo in its entirety? You shouldn't be allowed to have a son. He's in musical theater. He's not watching Rambo. Oh, you're right. You don't have a son. He watches Rainbow. You have a they. Rainbow, folks. Alex, where's our- Damn it, Lewis. Damn you. Gay Rambo. Rambo. That's a good bit. Dan, do the voice. I could sleep out in the forest today. No, Mardock. I'm coming for you. He can fuck and suck anything in his face. I was going to say- I know. Because I fucked him. Do the fucking voice. No, Mardock. I'm coming for you. I was going to say- I know, because I fucked him. Do the Sly Salone voice, but then he's gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was kind of the idea. Oh, I couldn't do that. Let's just move on. You're going to be Sly. That's a lot for Dan. You're a good Sly. You deceived all of us. In last place, with two points- That's all right. Damn. Karen Feehan. Damn, Karen. Two points. I don't know if you guys are going to laugh at this, but two points is what we call Karen's tits. I like it. Oh, one of the four girls left. No. You just lost it. You lost it. I'm sorry. You lost the corner, and you lost him. Oh. Sorry. Are you with the girl that's next to you? I was going to say, she's so hot. There's no fucking way that she. That would be crazy if she was with you. What are you talking about? That guy's clearly a fucking volunteer firefighting hero. You have a wife that's much better than that girl? Yeah. No fucking way. Why? No. No way. Good for you. Yeah. Show her tits. Show her tits. Show her tits. All right. All right. This might be your first time here, but we always show our wives' pussies to each other. After round six, we always show our wives' pussies. All right, guys. It's the seventh inning. Show your wife's pussy to us on your cell phone. Yay. Sorry, Alex. Show me your wife's pussy. Show me your pussy now. Give me some penis. Pull out your Android or iPhone. That's right. Everyone, open your AirDrops. Alex. Alex. What? Alex. Alex. In fourth place with eight points, Dan Soder. Fuck this, dude. I was on the cusp of greatness. You still are. And you're lies. Tied for second place with 11 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Big J. Oakerson. Damn. And in first place with 16 points, Brendan Shagalow. Jesus Christ. He's pulling away with this. Four times four. Four times four. Four times four. wife is hotter than this chick shut up dude shut the fuck up dude that's crazy it's impossible dude shut the fuck right up show us her pussy right now or you're lying that's gonna work one day no it's okay you're wonderful nothing to do with you it was about yeah but also if you want to show your pussy we're also okay yeah we're also in the bathroom realize this guy next to you won't even show us all his wife's pussy it's crazy it's fucking ridiculous i'm sorry you had to shit and miss that still would still would still would still alex story number seven story number seven my mom once cleaned my ears so hard with a bobby pin a bobby pin that they bled this is a violent this is a karen feehan has a violent mother who's incompetent competition with her always does she has to call her mother no yes mother they're clean already they're never clean enough young karen karen wire hangers you're making my mom sound like like mommy dearest yes yeah very loving home you've met my parents i've met your mom i don't think it's karen's mom my moms are fucking like this this thing all right and this this is my theory i think this big j and i'll tell you why your mom's great and i met your mom she's wonderful but you are also there was like a 10 year age gap between you and me and i'm not gonna lie to you your next sibling she was figuring it out with you oh yeah she was yeah he was the prototype she was 19 but let me just say before we jump to this all she had was a bobby pin she didn't have money she was like i gotta clean his ears though instead of sort of jamming you in the ear with a bobby pin and this is why you love such shitty music now he likes corn he likes rob zombie it's a well i didn't even consider my first thought i go i thought this was maybe a crazy mother for karen i don't know her mother like he does then i started to go oh i know dan's mom used to like the sauce a little bit i don't know her mother like he does then i started to go oh i know dan's mom used to like the sauce a little bit so maybe she went a little fucking hey i've had a couple let me clean out your ears come here you're like a dog i gotta clean out your ears and then i thought maybe bernie sagalow bernie sagalow had a fucking overprotective mom brandon you can't take this outside yeah brandon they're gonna beat you up yeah they're gonna think you're a blood let me clean your ears and here's what i realized is that this is lewis's psychotic prostitute junkie mom my mom uh never cleaned my ears oh she did until they bled the same way you never saw ramba yeah exactly guys please and i mean this please vote for me oh thanks for the i think he's the invite big j he's uh he's i'm tapping it i'm tapping you're tapping tappy tappity tap tap i'm tapping um i'm not going to say but this is your this is your crazy fucking mom sure doing something fucking crazy fucking gathering fucking wax to make candles wait now you're throwing wax into it i think you're on to something even more with him what do you mean she would like smoke the wax what the fuck it's you it's you lewis smokes weed that's thc wax she smoked it and then aids she didn't have aids right yeah she did have aids so uh look this could be anybody on the panel but i think my friend lewis is going to be the one who's going to be the one who's going to be the i think my theory about big j being the oldest kid and his mom being very young and trying to figure it out good theory hold some water right now keep talking big j's locking in every time i get closer to big j he's just gonna lock it in right now this is his tell he's freaking out right now i'm freaking out he's freaking out dude i am losing my shit inside now cool as a cucumber on the surface but inside i'm like a duck in the water up top i'm just fucking but underneath i'm fucking cooking dude that's such a funny visual yeah he was fucking i'm a little duck i'm going nuts under the table right now you can't even see dude my legs are fucking going i'm having all kinds of spastic behavior i mean i can see it being sag i don't know why i just i thought it could be everybody i could see sagalow having a very like overbearing mom yes exactly like yeah that controlling bitch yeah i bet when he goes home like she like she taught she dressed him like a little sailor or something it's time to put on the costume i got you mom i look stupid in pictures because you look fucking adorable shut your mouth i'm a good shit i don't like suspenders yeah hold your giant lollipop i'm telling you mom yo these clogs be fucking up my feet this is why i rap yeah oh shit the lollipop kill i mean my i my i my mom she was uh a hairstylist she had a lot of like bathroom things okay like like q-tips was just a thing she would go really deep with q-tips she goes my ears didn't get it she needed bobby pins to get in there this is a this is experimental baby this is a young dumb mom i'm pretty sure my mother never cleaned my ears once in her entire life oh i don't believe that i saw her naked a bunch i remember that big crazy no your mom never cleaned your ears no she taught me how to do it with a q-tip and then left me alone like a decent mother yeah she hit the fucking happy hour she goes listen baby they're doing two for ones on long island iced teas yeah switch around your ear he goes call the other one and i believe you call it god call it a miracle somehow there's wax in your ears figure out how to get it out i'm gonna get down there before they stop doing two for one cocktail she gets 10 cent wings down at champs on tuesdays i'm gonna get the button going for big j big j ocherson it's his story sagalow tell me what you're thinking i think it's sagalow i really don't know this could be anybody i mean obviously but uh because i'm thinking karen because i can't i can't take your hey i met her mom before my first gut was karen my first guy that was my first my mom was very gentle she was very nice like she i had to have a lot of shit done to me when i was like i had a palate expander that is true very tiny mouth and she's got a tail show them your tail you have a tail feel dude she has an extended backbone it's a fucking tail feel it dan no everyone line up feel it it's crazy oh she's really happy right now guys i think it's her it's her she's excited she's hiding this i think it's karen guys it could be anyone's mom that us but i feel like uh this is like a motherly thing with a with a lady you know she's going like honey i learned this from my mom but you're gonna do this with your kids if you're not bearing jay do you think it's lewis or karen i think it's brendan now that he just did that to me again i'm i'm taught you i i think it could be you karen everybody on this panel i think it could be i know it's not me my mom this isn't my mom my mom wasn't like an overbearing like this it's not be a big overbearing it's about being young and inexperienced it's lewis yeah i mean this is his tell as soon as you get close to him he goes by whose mom has a history of hurting them not to bring that up yeah and nodding off a bunch and making mistakes sorry baby i went to dreamland when i was cleaning your ears out lewis get over here girls don't want to see you that really hurts actually you guys shouldn't laugh you're right it's fucked up i know you guys are right yeah that's not okay who do you think i think it's lewis i think this is something his mom would now he's panicking you know jay's manic panicking i certainly soon i have to wait for the for pool season to be over oh my god big jay is clean the fact he's so happy look at his face not me he's so happy dude i'm that's fine smart oh no i'm still good i'm good i'm i'm locked in baby lewis gets two point one point one point jay's doing the math you don't have to do that so happy look at his face it's over man his face you don't have to lock keep lying alex whose story was story number seven story number seven belongs to karen my first my first instinct go with your gut yeah go with your gut damn wow you knew it you knew it karen your mom dug your fucking wax oh my god it hurts so much she hit my eardrum and i was like stop she's like i don't have it yet she was trying to get everything out of my ear she sent me to school with blood is this why is this why you don't fucking listen and we have to abuse you all the guys you date because you just can't that's why in karen's world huh mean jess huh okay i'll go for it so i remember her vividly like kissing my ear too and i like okay to make it better no like the suction i felt the liquid blood for the sake of my boner can we make this story she's your stepmother go ahead yeah yeah there you go oh yeah no i'm like getting like flashback you want it again yeah what are our scores karen that was incredible it was a big round big round there's a huge round huge round she needed it in last place with eight points dan soda you were just in second place eight times one eight times one i picture dan's got a big dick In fourth place with 10 points, Karen Feehan. Look at that. Very close This whole game is close Tied for second place With 11 points each Luis J. Gomez And Big J. Oakerson And in first place With 16 points Brendan Sagalow I almost just said It's one of them games Everybody is still involved All five are still involved At the very end of the game It's anybody's game Still possible Somebody is going to take home Brute A novel by Sam Talent Do you know Sam Talent follows up his cult classic Running the Light With this high octane sophomore novel Brute Robert Through a life of killing was behind him But after a botched contract In San Francisco He is violently reminded Retirement may not be an option for men like him Now Someone who has spent his whole life killing Is forced back into a world he left behind In a story of growth Discovery Redemption Against all odds We got one more story New York comedy club Are you ready for your final story? Come on Alex Story number eight Story number eight Story number eight I got stitches in my forehead After falling on First Avenue Karen or Louis Who has forehead scars? I do Right here But I got this I got these stitches From pushing a swing with nobody in it And it came back and hit me in the face Oh my god I had no friends What a sad lonely ass story I broke my arm when I was playing football alone I tried to tackle somebody who wasn't there If anybody was there I smashed my shoulder By the way This is some guy having his coffee Watching Louis And he goes That little boy's pushing an empty Oh man I pulled my bat I pulled my back Swinging a bat at a ball that didn't exist Yeah I got another one here From climbing a cast iron fence When I was like three And catching my shoelaces on the top And swinging down And smashing my face on the fence That's crazy But then this one I was running around my friend's house And I tripped on the stairs The icy stairs And smashed my nose And this one here Is from my balls on the stairs On his chair Yeah Got him Right there Yeah Hand turkey First Avenue This Karen once again Blackout drunk Would get Yeah But this is like Too repetitive To my fall off the stairs story Well I gotta say This is very like I have insurance Karen look at me I don't think it's Karen I don't think you need a Mark Don't let that be the real You don't need a mark I had I had forest issues When I was younger Because maybe the scar Healed nicely Mr. McDermott McDermott Dude Have you been getting Stem cells Have you been getting Stem cells Brendan Brendan This could be Brendan Brendan has gotten Drunk and fallen down before This could be Brendan Seriously I know it's not Big J And I'll tell you why Because Big J He moved to New York Well I've known you Essentially almost Your entire career In New York City I lived off First Avenue For many years You did But you didn't get Stitched Did you You probably wouldn't Even remember Because you're a bad friend I am a bad And I don't remember That I didn't watch Rambo First Blood either Oh my god Fucking Louis F. Gomez Stitches As I live and breathe Stitches Me I think me and Louis Both are people who like Probably don't get stitches We just fuck up We just go Damn You guys are rugged That's crazy You're saying that For the two groups of girls I don't know I would have said Ladies we just throw Dirt in it and whatever You know Most of the time I lived in By First Avenue I was No insurance For sure So I wouldn't go Get stitches It's not even this Oh right I just wouldn't remember When you lived in First Avenue We were friends I would remember You needing stitches At one point From falling on First Avenue We were friends with Dan When he lived In New York City In that area But even No But this guy Fucking You couldn't even tell If he got stitches On that fucking head You kidding me Yes you could You know You'd be able to Thread them from space It's a blip On a fucking giant man We need more We can't seal the cut They used yarn They used Fishing line Gold Go Go apartment to apartment Ask if there's bed sheets They can give us You would know That Rambo used Fishing line For his own stitches If you watched Rambo This asshole This is Probably Brendan Who's got good insurance From his beautiful Fucking Long Island family You're stuck In the insurance thing It's just not me You can go to the Emergency room And get stitches And give the wrong name And so security number And they'll never find you You love getting stitches Oh fuck Well that means it's Louis By the way Louis is a fucking He would rollerblade Like a Shithead Deep into his 30s Don't be an asshole No that's not true I rollerbladed up until I was like 20 And then I switched To a penny board Which is a miniature skateboard Holy shit I forgot about the penny board There's a lot of dangerous travel And he doesn't give a fuck About his thing Do you remember one time I was riding my penny board On the sidewalk Like a fucking lunatic And this woman's little dog Just jumped at me And then I fell off it And then I bullied the woman Into paying for my phone Or I said I was gonna Have her dog killed By the police Wow Yeah And that woman Yeah Gave you stitches Barbara Walters It might be Louis I think this is a Louis thing Yeah It could be Seems like a stitches guy Right Right Lou Following on first Guys I think it's Brendan And I'm gonna tell you right now We're gonna let him Run away with this game right now Say my name I don't care Put it in But Louis is the Put it in I hate this Louis pointing this out Cause he's right If nobody says Brendan He just eats this thing up And if it's him He walks away with it But that could be Louis noticing that And pointing everyone Away from himself This game is so much harder This game drives Jay mad I watch his head He goes through All these scenarios It's always Louis Every story is Louis If you shave it down To its core Jay can't watch Dateline He's like it's Louis It's Louis The killer was Louis Oh my god It's fucking Louis For sure Louis killed those Clancy kids Louis is It's all right there It speaks to me He tossed her out The window Is a getaway She farmed it out She farmed it out Jay really doesn't see The world through Everything is Louis It starts with It's Louis And then It gives me It's not world Hey I put that on God Show me this isn't Louis He never answers When he's at his house Every time there's The shower curtain He goes Louis Oh absolutely Dude every time When I go Hey I don't remember Leaving this light on I open everything In my house And I stab And say Louis Louis You hear a sound Upstairs You're like Louis He goes Yeah guys I gotta pull down The attic Louis When they have to Like unblurry A picture or whatever It's Louis It's Louis Oh fuck It's Louis Listen I'm going like Somebody saw The Virgin Mary In a piece of toast He's like That's not the Virgin Mary That's Louis Tell your Mexican friends To come visualize Louis Jesus isn't real Jay Now It's Brendan I think it's Brendan Might be You can say that I don't care I'll still win It could be I think it's He's a clumsy Doof I am No I am no doof Okay Alright I'm gonna put my I'm gonna put my vote in But also this is This is so Karen coded It's super My instinct initially Was Karen And if Karen runs away And wins the entire game Because nobody votes for her It will be hilarious I like you Karen Because I got nothing to lose She's gonna take that victory On her way to have to Kick a Japanese businessman In the balls While she calls him gay She goes listen I got a guy locked up And he's gonna lose his air In about 30 She goes guys Listen The air ties Are not loosened Anytime soon This guy's gonna Fucking sue me at the end I gave him enough oxygen Until about 945 I'm going Karen Because it felt In my gut Dan Soder Votes Karen Karen votes for Brendan Sagalow I'm just I'm just stuck on The wording of Like why even mention First Avenue Yeah You know what I mean Like what's Fucking important about that Shit What happened there So now I'm thinking about When I talk to you guys Who says shit That's stupid Because you know It's before It's before the city Turns into a Puerto Rican Heroin town What My mother was white First Avenue He's been my best friend For 20 years After that It becomes junky shit Well this is First Avenue This is an adult move This is you Fucking rollerblading around Like a doofus This is retarded And then you turn around And fucking look at some Like hot chicken Go ooh la la And then fucking Eat shit The backwards wiggle Yeah He goes Oh mamacita Can't put kink And then it's you Hot cha cha I got pegs For my rollerblades Sag daddy It's up to you I'm gonna go Lewis Dumbass I know I actually do feel stupid About that Is it you Don't feel stupid Yeah it's you Alex all of our answers are in Eight stories down Whose story Was story number eight Story number eight Belongs to Karen Feehan Fuck It was so obvious Trust your gut Go with God All glory to Christ I said it was Karen She was blacked out Drunk She fell And got stitches On her dumb Fucking drunken Tiny forehead She's like an Alcoholic Fainting goat She's gonna scream And she fucking Just smokes her You go Hey Karen You want another shot Of tequila I tried not to go The ambulance came There was a whole bunch Of people there They were like You gotta go She has her email Strippers And then There was like I felt skin Like coming off my head I was like I got it I got it I was just gonna Like walk it off Or whatever They were like Get in the van We're going Were you Were you blackout drunk? I was so blackout. Yeah, she was. Yeah. I think I know the score here, but. Tied for fourth place with 11 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Big J. Oakerson. Hell yeah. We all finished top three. Damn, you might have won. In third place with 12 points, Dan Soder. We're in last place, Jay. Bronze. And tied for first place with 16 points each, Brendan Sagalow and Karen Feehan. Great. So, we have to go to overtime. If you haven't played overtime before, the way it will work is they're going to pull one more story. The story is not going to belong to Karen or Brendan. It's going to be my story, Big J's story, or Soder's story. Remember that, okay? First, Karen and Brendan are going to wager between zero and 16 points. Hide it from each other. You've got to hide it from each other. Anonymously wager. Jeopardy? Yeah, Jeopardy. You're doing Jeopardy now? What's Jeopardy? Oh, yeah, sorry. No, no. What's that? I don't know. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, Faking numbers, crunching them, bet away. No. Say nothing. Brennan, did you, did you? Hold on. God. Oh, he's down my throat. Wait, I don't understand. You have to wager between zero and 16 points. If you get it wrong, you lose the points. If you get it right, you gain the points. Do you lose the points if you are wrong? If you're wrong, you lose your points. Okay. Okay. Well, that's zero. Obviously. I go, well, to just be safe. Is it one story? Is it one? Yeah, it's one story between, it's my story, Dan's story, or Big J's story. Yep. Brennan locks in his wager. Yeah. It only goes up to 16. Well, it's how many points you have. You're a wager of points. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Oh, they're locked in, Alex. Remember, we are not playing. Just Brendan and Karen are playing. It's going to be my story, Dan's story. Oh, the two. All right. We're Big J's. Alex, story number nine. Story number nine. During the pandemic, to hang out with friends, we all agreed to take an unapproved and illegally distributed COVID test together. There was so much blood, but immediately someone spilled the solution that the test required. Waste of time, money, and blood. I'm going to tell you right now, I don't believe COVID ever existed, so. Okay, so Dan's out. Dan's out. Dan's out from the get-go. This whole thing's been a fucking internet hoax. I would tell you to get tested. Fauci lies. People die. People die, you said. I've been instructed by the Fauci estate to stay 100 yards away from him. So, I mean, we should be convincing them that it's not our story, right? Sure, it's Louis. It is Louis. No, it's not Louis. That's 100% a Louis, man. I didn't think it was Louis, actually. It is Louis. Louis is like blood pranks. Like, yeah. I mean, I have done blood pranks. In fact, I submitted a blood prank story. Louis wasn't panicky. He wouldn't have had it. No, I literally, day one, was like, this is a farce. Nobody's going to die. Two million people died. Whatever. Who cares? I was wrong. I was greatly wrong. So many people lost their Meemaws and Peepaws. Why did I cough on that hospital? I did. Literally, when they first announced it, I was at Stand Up New York performing, and I started coughing on the whole front row. Oh, that worked out good for Rudy Gobert. So, fuck, yeah. We had, on New Year's Eve, we had a Legion of Skanks live at the comedy store, and everybody got scared. Everybody got scared. Everybody got sick. Like, everybody. Hundreds of people. Buddy, we had three Skankfests for Super Splitter events. Yeah, dude. We tried to hold on to Skankfest Houston, literally, until the week before it happened. We were going to have it. But I know we had Everlast on Bonfire the other week, and he said that. He goes, last time I saw you, I was at Skankfest. I got COVID. You're like, Mr. Everlast? Everyone did. Everyone did, my friend. Thank you for coming. I mean, look, it's not. Mr. Last? It's not me. I mean, this is, I actually got the vaccine because I had a flight to England, and I got the vaccine. He had a flight to England, did he? I got the vaccine. The first, I got the first one, and the one booster. I had to get it for billions. I feel like this is Jay, you know. You like friends. You like having friends and hanging out with friends. Jay is a friend guy. You're a friend guy. As I get older, no, I'd say no. He also loves friendlies. Oh, okay. This is, this doesn't, this feels like a certain friend group that would do this, and I don't think it's you guys. Louis is my friend group. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're all friends. What's up, girl? I'm just picking who I want to win, because I'll give it away in a second. I know who it is. I know, because it's you. I hold all the power. It's you. You think I don't know that it's you? No, you think I'd do that gay shit? Yes. You think I'd be having motherfuckers bleeding on my shit? Get out of here. Yeah. I was locked down. I think it's you. I'm locked down having sex. I think it's you. I think it's big. Owning a dog. Oh, by the way, this doesn't say that they didn't get the vaccine. This simply says they took a COVID test. Yeah. I thought it was Dan. I'll be honest. You're thinking it's Dan. Yeah. Why Dan? I don't know. There's nothing there. I know, but I'm saying it. No, it's okay. She'll make it work. We have our, we're recording her. We'll fix it now. We'll get this in post. I don't know why I think it's Dan. I think it's Dan. You're locking it at Dan. Yeah. Okay. And now I think it's Dan. It's big Jay. It is? Because you know. That's not fair. Yes. No, I don't know. I really don't know. You're one of the friends. No, I'm not. I'm doing. I'm never. No, I've wanted to. We took the COVID test together. For a long time. The COVID test with me? Yeah. But Brandon gets the text and he goes, I'm going to go test. I'm going to twirl before I test. I feel pretty. I feel pretty. He goes, Feeny, it was Jay. I'm in. No, it's Jay because Jay loves friends and Dan's his friend and Dan was there for sure because he's telling you he was there. Yeah, totally. I was not there. I wouldn't go to something like that. So that would be me and Dan. That's how they get you in the Illuminati. Both of their answers were right. First, it's blood test for COVID. Next thing you know, you guys are sharing an eight-year-old and I'm not into that. I like lady pussy. Story number nine belongs to. Big Jay Oakerson. All day long, bro. I mean, yeah, Brendan. Now I'm really fucking that couple over there. If they both bet zero points, they're still tied. No, I didn't. Can we say how many points they wagered? Karen, all 16. Brendan, four, of course. Yeah! Four, four, four, four, four, four, four. Karen ends with zero points. Three points in last place. Brendan with 20 points, your winner. And once again, a story warrior, the great Brendan Sagalow. Your newest story warrior. Sign it up, everybody. Amazing fucking job. Brendan Sagalow once again. A story warrior. Karen, that was very valiant what you did. How about a big round of applause for our entire panel. The great Dan Soder. The lovely and vivacious. Karen Feehan, your newest story warrior. Once again, repeat offender, Brendan Sagalow. Thank you guys so much for hanging out on Story Wars. I'm Big Jay Oakerson. I'm Luis J. Gomez. Until next time, peace. I'm Big Jay Oakerson.