Dan Dan Noodling

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Crooked Con is coming up right after the election and we have just added a bunch more great names to the lineup. We got Governor J.B. Pritzker coming, Senator Chris Murphy, and then over from the House side, Ilhan Omar, Robert Garcia, Sarah Jacobs, Jamie Raskin, Sarah McBride. We also have Carlos Eduardo Espina, Simone Sanders Townsend, Eugene Daniels, David Pakman, Jessica Tarloff, Heather McGee, and then all the other people that we've announced on the website. Plus, more to come. Great list. Check out the full lineup and get tickets right now at CrookedCon.com. We'd love to see you there. That's CrookedCon.com. Find the vacation you're looking for in Missouri. Whether you're searching for this, wanting something like this. Oh, that's cute. Maybe up for something like this. Or just really, really need something more like this. You'll find the vacation you want in Missouri. Missouri, it's the getaway that gets. You. Plan your fun at VisitMo.com. What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live from Hollywood. I am Jon Lovett. We've got a great show for you tonight, but first, let's get into it. What a week. This is our last show before the midterm elections, and so I want to close by asking this question. Do we really mean it when we say that Trump is a unique threat? Also, is dementia-induced homosexuality a thing, or is Trump the first known case? Often the question about how seriously we take the danger posed by Trump has been directed at establishment Democrats. Merrick Garland's slow-rolling Trump administration investigation during the Biden era, or the, at times, anemic response by congressional Democrats to Trump and his abuses. But it was also rightly directed at leftists refusing to line up behind Kamala Harris when the stakes in 2024 were crystal clear. That's one reason I think we're so glad to see Barack Obama on the campaign trail. It's like being at a holiday party with a bunch of people you don't hate but don't love, and then your best friend, Barack Obama, shows up. It's a welcome relief to see a prominent Democrat monomaniacally focused on making the, the best argument he can to bring as many people over to our side as possible, including a joke about the Cheesecake Factory that caused Trump to lose his fucking mind. Here's, uh, here's Obama. The president wasn't even mad about the Saddam Hussein comparison. That part didn't bother him. But he was very upset about the Cheesecake Factory comments. He took great umbrage. They mobilized a whole-of-government response to that joke. Obama hit in the Cheesecake Factory twice in one week, a man after my own heart. Also, remember when presidents said words like umbrage? Instead of the, the grunts and howls we get now, Obama continued. I'm not making this up. He, the president of the United States, is spending time, superglueing gold medallions to the mantle in the Oval Office. I am not making this up. He is literally doing arts and crafts while we are fighting a war and trying to deal with out-of-control prices. How am I going to get all this gunk off the walls, says John Ossoff in 2029 and George W. Bush in 2001? A little bit of a thinker. Trump, meanwhile, was right on message while campaigning for Senator Darlene Graham in South Carolina. Uh, Lindsey's looking down. He said, I'd love to be here, but it just didn't work out. But he's very proud of you. Probably just another boring election cycle, huh? Wondered Lindsey Graham's immortal soul. No nonstop mentions of male senators and their beautiful asses and shoulders or anything like that, right? But if you needed to gauge how things are really going for Trump, and his party, here's Trump's reaction to a reporter asking if he's not going to Kansas this weekend as previously planned because he's tired from traveling. Oh, you're sick to ask that question. You are sick. Who are you with? I'm with Reuters, sir. You are a sick guy. Reuters is terrible, by the way. Well, we just want to make sure you're doing well. Look at this guy. He's way out of shape. You've been following me for two weeks. I feel perfect. You are disgusting. Put yourself in shape. You look like hell. Way to put that guy in his place, said Trump's comms director, Stephen Chung, which I say with respect. And yet, as the bottom falls out of the polling and Democrats hope against hope that this is the time that the polls are right, please let this be the time, the one time where the polls are right. There are still those who seem unable or unwilling to focus on doing whatever we can right now to win these elections and hold Trump accountable in Michigan. Rebellion PAC, founded by the lefty Young Turks host, Cenk Uygur, posted an anti-Semitic ad blaming Israel for the cost of bananas in grocery stores. They don't like eggs anymore? No, they like eggs, but we have to set that $7 aside for killing Palestinians. Food lion, more like Jews lion, about Israel. Trader Joe's, more like Trader Jews. Stew Leonard's, more like Jew Leonard's. A store you do not have on the West Coast. The ad was actually just a repurposed old ad from Cenk's own previous failed campaign and one with almost no actual dollars behind it in Michigan because it wasn't about helping Abdul, it was about attention for Cenk. Abdul's campaign had to distance itself from the ad and Republicans used it to once again accuse Abdul's campaign of anti-Semitism. And then, from the center, after Congresswoman Haley Stevens, who lost to Abdul in the primary, gave an interview where she refused to say directly if she backed him, even though she previously endorsed him, her fiancé revealed that he was voting for Republican Mike Rogers. And this is a real test for you, Haley. After my fiancé, Ronan Farrow, told me he voted for Trump, I ended the engagement on the spot. That's what happened. Stephen's fiancé, Jason Turkish, is a disability rights lawyer who is blind. He told the Detroit News, quote, we have never seen a candidate for U.S. Senate act so recklessly towards the safety of Jews. Nice try, Jason. I know that a blind person saying he's never seen anything like this is a trap designed specifically to catch me. It's worth noting that the administration has been targeting protections for Americans with disabilities, not to mention that the Big Beautiful Bill supported by Mike Rogers cut a trillion dollars from Medicaid, which provides coverage for one in four people in America with disabilities. And in the spirit of this monologue, which is about not indulging in grievances and focusing on the big picture, I cut every completely inappropriate joke that we had right here. Haley Stevens did come out and say that she is voting for El-Sayed herself when she told this to CNN. Like a lot of households across America, we're a household divided. I still very much want our Democratic nominee, his name is Abdul, to win this race. So they're like James Carville and Mary Matlin, and I find the whole thing insufferable. Control of the Senate may also depend on the mess unfolding in Alaska and the battle over two Dan Sullivans. Dan Sullivan? Or maybe the plural is just Dan Sullivan. Two Dan Sullivan? That doesn't sound right either. Anyway, despite Democratic candidate Mary Peltola having denied any involvement in recruiting Dan J. Sullivan to run for Senate in Alaska against incumbent Senator Dan S. Sullivan. The Times reported on Wednesday that the Beltola campaign was, in fact, deeply involved. I'm honestly stunned. A Democrat trying too hard to win? I just never heard of that before. It's sort of shocking. Last year, a Peltola staffer reportedly received instructions from top campaign aides to find as many people named Dan Sullivan in Alaska as you can. They're calling it Dan Dan noodling. Peltola's former campaign manager, Elisa Rios, was fired in August and has been undermining Peltola ever since. She told the Times that Peltola wasn't directly involved, but that she was definitely aware. Said the Times reporter to his editor, did Mary Peltola sign off on her campaign's dirty tricks? I don't know. I'll ask her. Rios later contacted the reporter and tried to retract all of her statements, which isn't how this works. Said Rios, please delete that. Wait, are you recording this? You can't use this. Stop writing this down. Wait, don't write that down. Fuck, it's cold up here. Trump has called for Peltola to withdraw from the race, Alaska's Republican governor and the House oversight, chair James Comer, have all called for investigations. Bring it on, said Mary Peltola, scrambling to find another person in Alaska named Mary Peltola. And listen, I think it's fair to say we'd all be pretty mad if Republicans had tracked down another Abdul El-Sayed in Michigan and convinced him to run. And I do think we should do some soul-searching about this on Wednesday, November 4th. Because, yeah, because as infighting and scandal put a Senate majority at risk, Trump's corruption and lawlessness, continues. On Tuesday, the Justice Department brought charges against James Comey for a third time, even though, as Comey's lawyers have noted, the 10-year statute of limitations has expired. But statutory doesn't count, said Trump out of habit. Yep. DOJ was also, by the way, forced to reinstate Maureen Comey, James's daughter and a prominent U.S. attorney, in her own right, after she was illegally fired by the Trump administration. In fact, a federal judge ordered Comey reinstated with all of her bail. Back pay. The only person Trump wants to provide back pay to is John Husted. Because he likes talking about his beautiful ass. And on Wednesday, in response to a report by Democrats on the Judiciary Committee, Trump painted himself as the hero in America's never-ending Epstein saga. I threw Jeffrey Epstein the hell out of Mar-a-Lago. And I was the one that was totally exonerated from him. Added Trump, and I was the only one there with him when he died. And as Americans turn on Trump over his mismanagement of the economy and brazen corruption, Republicans are competing to prove they can be just as big an ass as he is. Here's Ted Cruz, and I just want you to know that when we listened to this clip, it was so excruciating and slow, we are, for your benefit, speeding it up to 1.75 speed. If Abdul Al-Sayed becomes the senator for Michigan, there is absolutely nothing to stop Chuck Schumer from pulling out of his seat. I'm placing Abdul Al-Sayed on the Senate Intelligence Committee. The Senate Intelligence Committee has access to our most closely guarded secrets. And if I'm correct that he is a passionate supporter of the Muslim Brotherhood, there is a very real risk that Americans will die as a result. It's weird how Ted Cruz at 1.75 speed is just Ben Shapiro. But let me get this straight. Abdul's plan was to be born in Michigan, grow up in Michigan, become a doctor, run a public health department, run for state office, lose, start a podcast with Crooked Media, run for Senate, win, join the Senate Intelligence Committee, and destroy America. And then there's Bernie Moreno, senator from Ohio. Abdul Al-Sayed can be nowhere near Washington, D.C. Do you think he understands that concept that our rights come from God Almighty? That Jesus came here for our salvation? Oh no, Bernie Moreno, that also. That also applies to Jews. Remember, we're supposed to be dividing Jews and Muslims. That's what we're doing right now. We're not going to turn on the Jews until after Miriam Adelson dies. Fun fact, Moreno, once relatively pro-gay, shifted to the right when he ran for Senate. And then the Associated Press reported on a profile they found on Adult Friend Finder in which someone using Moreno's email posted, quote, Hi, looking for young guys to have fun with while traveling under the username, Nardo19672. The AP confirmed that someone with access to Moreno's email account created the profile. But through a lawyer for Moreno, a former intern claimed it was part of a juvenile prank. And boy, did Moreno get pranked. Pranked all night long. But something is happening out there. The vibe has shifted. In Ohio, Vivek Ramaswamy is still showing his face after running the ugliest ad in history. And it has not been going well. Say, pedophiles, what are you talking about? How are you associated with this guy? How are you associated with so many? Did you guys sit near him? Sam Hill's chance at winning. How are they reacting? Hell yeah. Also, love Vivek's response there. Guard, seize him. A message that will surely resonate in rural Ohio. And during a Trump rally in South Carolina this morning, Fox News grabbed this exclusive live interview with an attendee. Tom, why are you here? Why are you here this morning? Well, in the late 70s, I was a little too young to get involved and go to South America for the Jonestown massacre. But this is as close as I'll ever get. So that's why I'm here. Wait, the Jonestown massacre? That's right. See, it's nothing like being a cult right up front, man. All right. Maybe this is not a Trump supporter right now. Look at that guy. That guy's awesome. That reporter looked at that guy, didn't question it. Didn't question. He's like, that's what a Trump supporter looks like? But no, no. Besides, a Trump rally is nothing like Jonestown. The people at that rally are not drinking Kool-Aid. They all look incredibly dehydrated. Now, on Monday's Pod Save America, in response to Trump saying that Jews should be ashamed to support Abdul El-Sayed, I argued that Jews, in fact, have a moral obligation to back Abdul in Michigan. And boy, did that make some people mad. And I will be honest, I was not unaware of what the reaction might be. And I've been called every mean word, and it's not true. And it's like, you want to hurt my feelings? I got a troll up here that makes you all sound like a bunch of fucking pussies and fags. There is nothing that a person on the internet can say to me that is worse than the Trump in my brain is saying every goddamn day. I am invincible to your words. Gotta get back into therapy. After the election, therapy. But I'll go back to where I started. Is Trump a unique danger? Do you really believe it? I do. And that makes demands of us. Some of those demands, we get to campaign against the biggest bunch of craven weasels and dipshits in the history of American politics. We get to run against Vance and Hegseth and Ramaswamy. These people have to defend these people. That sucks. We have a fun job. Our job is more fun campaign. I'd rather be, imagine defending Vivek Ramaswamy. No. But it also means accepting that in a big coalition, there will be serious differences. That is the challenge in taking on a rising authoritarian government. That is how, despite never being all that popular, someone like Trump can gain so much power. The opposition, angry and worried and brittle, cannot see beyond their own internal differences. Do we think previous generations were dumber or less interested in stopping their versions of Trump? Of course not. It is hard. And Trump hasn't just wrecked the economy and undermined the rule of law. He has coarsened our culture. He encourages a society that is meaner and more selfish and more self-indulgent. And we see that all around us. We see that on the right. But I see it on our side too. In the hardening of how we talk to each other, in how we attack each other's motives, in the endless caustic arguments that are about performing rather than persuading, and in believing that the goal is not bringing more people into our coalition, but kicking our enemies out. It is not a coincidence that Trump and social media grew alongside one another. They both feed a kind of narcissistic impulse. And one aspect of that impulse is more subtle than just being mean and nasty on the internet. It is the idea that your feelings are paramount, that it's someone else's job to figure out how to do the hard thing, that you just get to kind of wallow and post and say whatever's on your mind. Like, no one has to be uncomfortable in a big, fractious, messy democracy. So all I'm asking is, let's just pause for three days. We have to win. And then we get to have a whole year to tear each other apart. That's what odd years are for. Odd number of years are for infighting. What a blast we're gonna have. It's gonna start at CrookedCon right after the election. But for three days, we're all gonna be friends. It's a truce. All of us together knocking on doors and donating and helping and seeing where near us is a race where we can make a difference so that we can hold these people accountable. If we believe the administration is a new danger, if we believe the Republicans who enabled it deserve to be kicked out of office, I say yes. If you say yes, this is our last weekend. So go to votesaveamerica.com, sign up to help a campaign near you, and I will see you out there. And finally, legendary actor Patrick Stewart has passed away at the age of 86. Time for him to boldly go where literally everyone has gone before. All right, we've got a great show for you tonight, and we'll be right back. - Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of "Love It or Leave It" coming up. - "Love It or Leave It" is brought to you by Sundaes. We are what we eat, and so are our dogs. 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It's just the best, and she really likes it. And, you know, she's about to turn 12. She's doing great. People can't believe how old she is. Also, she also did get some work done. This is Hollywood, after all. Make this wish to Sundae's. Go right now to sundaesfordogs.com slash loveit and get 50% off your first order. Or you can use code loveit at checkout. That's 50% off your first order at sundaesfordogs.com slash loveit. sundaesfordogs.com slash loveit. Or use code loveit. Love it or leave it is brought to you by Built. Here's a question. Are you getting rewarded for paying your rent or mortgage right now? Did you even know that that was an option? If the answer is no, you need to check out Built. Becoming a Built member means earning points on every housing payment no matter where you live. Redeem Built points for flights, hotels, Lyft rides, Amazon.com purchases, and future housing. You can even use them for fitness classes, restaurants, and more. 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None of it would be possible without our incredible staff with the incredible crew and everybody here that came together. I'm really, really grateful. It is not easy to figure out how to turn America's number one late night political gay live comedy podcast into a studio show and to do it on a podcast budget. We're trying to make a TV show on a podcast budget. And a lot of people had to be very creative and very thoughtful about figuring out how to make this happen here. And we've been really grateful. And we're looking forward to continuing to figure out how to do the best version of this live show. And we will be back next year figuring out the best way to do it. When we come back from CrookedCon next week, we're going to take. We're going to take the show into the Crooked Studios. We'll be joined by a bunch of comedian pals and some great special guests that we've lined up through the end of the year. And we're planning a bunch of great live shows for next year. But thank you, everyone. And thank you to everybody here. I really mean it. It was fantastic. Also, on election night, Alex Wagner will be hosting a can't miss live stream of the results on the Pod Save America YouTube channel. It's going to be Alex, a bunch of your favorite Crooked hosts. That will be on Tuesday, November 3rd, obviously. So tune in at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific for three hours. Three hours of analysis, hot takes, plus some very special guests. Friends of the pod will get a chance to have their questions answered live on air. Subscribe to Pod Save America's YouTube channel now and be sure to watch live on election night. And if you haven't already, don't forget to get your tickets to CrookedCon. We just published the official schedule at CrookedCon.com. So check it out and get your tickets now. My first guest and I both know Michelle Obama. I wonder which one of us she likes more. Maybe Zainab can text her because I don't have her phone number. Please welcome Zainab Johnson. Hi. Welcome back to the show. Congrats on the new special. It's great. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. This is the first stand-up special produced by the Obama's production company, Higher Ground. You're introduced by Michelle Obama to start the special. How did that happen? Yeah, it is. I texted her. I did not text her. I texted her head of communications. But it's because before that, I made this video online. Like 2024, she was in Michigan like campaigning and I was in Michigan doing comedy shows and I made this flipping video on Instagram and I was like, hey, Michelle, like I got a show. I'd love to send you an invitation. We'll send uber black. Like I was trying to make it as appealing as possible. I was like, I'll see if they have like bulletproof. Like I was just I was trying to make it, you know, I was trying to accommodate her. And then I think I think the thing that sold it is I was like, no need to bring Barack. This is about you. You know, like and and I posted it on Instagram. Just I really was trying to promote the shows in Detroit. And so many people started to add her. And then maybe an hour or two after me posting it, I received a DM from her team. And they were like, you know, Michelle loves you. And I was like, you know how you try to figure out if it's like a scam. Yeah. I was like, because I didn't want to I didn't I didn't want to like fall in and then somebody be like, look, we got her. She fuck jokes on her. And so I was like, you know, checking to see. And then I was like, does she really? And they were they went into like, you know, how much she has loved my company. She watched my first special. And so shortly after that, I ended up like being in a room with her. And she instantly came to me and was like, Zaynab Johnson, I love you. And yeah. And then and that was like lovely. And then fast forward. I had this crazy idea. I was like, I'm going to ask. I'm going to ask her to introduce me on my special, fully expecting them to be like, thank you. But no, thank you. And she was like, absolutely. Also, we'll produce it. Yeah. Yeah. So it sounds like the DMs are going through. Maybe it was the kind of thing where they said we can only really do one. I don't I don't know what it is, but I'm happy that my line of communication is open. Did you get any? Did you get more self-conscious knowing that like they were just they were going to be producing this? Like, are they seeing this? Are they seeing the like early cuts? Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. It had to go through them before Netflix. You know, they give you rounds of notes. It always had to go to higher ground first. And then they would say, like, you know, you have to give us more time because they're they're busy people. You have to give them time to watch it. And I was like, I don't want to ask them how busy. You know, I don't have time. You know. I'm trying to get the cut in. Yeah, we're trying to get this cut in, you know. And so, yeah, I was I I consider them to be highly intelligent human beings. And so it's one thing to like try to be funny. But I also didn't want to be dumb. You know, I wanted to be like, you know, and when they came back with like and I also know like in my special, I know the jokes that could be flagged, you know, like I literally say the president shits on himself. Like, wait, can I say that on the show? Yeah. OK. And so I've heard actually you have to. Yeah. Yeah. I literally do an act out of how people around him act when he shits on himself. And I was like, for sure, they're going to tell me you can't not with our name on it. You can't. And then I was and they didn't. They're like, hey, so can we talk about the coverage you have of the joke about Trump shitting on himself? Can we come around to the front? We'd really like to see it from the front. We think the joke will play better from the front. We have a kind of on a side angle. Yeah. Can we see some of the other footage? They were like, slow it down. Are you sure we can't put the same and same joke in twice? Can we slow it down? Add like a banana peel effect, something like that. But even even after that, I was like, OK, they didn't flag it. Surely Netflix is going to flag it. And no, it's it's there, you guys. The special is called Toxically Optimistic. Yeah. Are you? Yeah, I'm pretty optimistic. I start this special off talking about. About how I got hit by a truck. Yeah. And when you when you survive being hit by a truck, it's like everything else is you. It's easy peasy, you know? Yeah. Every single thing in my day, you know, if it's bad, I'm like, oh, she messed up my coffee. But it's not a truck. It is. It literally laid the groundwork for my. That's why I say it's toxic, because, you know, I have friends. My friend will be like, and then he cheated on me. I'm like, but girl. Girl. It ain't a truck. I saw. I saw a video of basically there was this. There was this. I think they were like YouTube guys, but they like film videos about old cars. And there was a video of these two guys in this car. And there's the camera obviously facing the road. But then they have a camera on them talking about the car. And while they're doing this, they lose their brakes. And so you just. But I've never seen this before. Just two people just going like this. Realizing they're just going to hit something. And they kind of just go. As if like you can turn away from the car accident. That's not how gravity works. You can't turn away from science. Anyway, it's stuck in here forever. I think now. Yeah. You ever notice how on the Internet you can see something that if you in a previous era, it would be the craziest and worst thing anyone in your town had ever seen. Yeah. And you can see three of those a day. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I think that's a problem. You know what? I'm waiting for the person to upload the live stream of my accident. - Right, well, I was about to say, like, is there video you getting hit by a truck um i don't think there is this was when i was 17 i was i was a senior in high school and so this is like early 2000 so i don't think probably not caught yeah probably not not so much like cctv and ring cameras and stuff like that but yeah i mean i would have loved to see i would have put it at the end of the special for sure oh no obviously yeah it's of course content wait you have a pet though you have a new pet an opossum yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't say it's a a pet like that implies that i let it in my house right um no it's out it's outdoor but it's you have a relationship a relationship his name is eugene yeah what's the difference between a possum and an opossum okay so possums are native to australia opossum is the only marsupial that we have in the americas yeah i like to say because they look very different they're they have no relation to one another i think we just we just shorten it i think i think because of the way our i think they probably were called possums but ours look so scary i think we started to call an opossum because when you see it you're like oh you know you like it so it looks scary yeah you know uh yeah exactly i like i like to say that uh the american possum looks like the australian possum did life in prison sort of hardened it's hard we have they're in there they're in la right we have them around here oh yeah of course and uh they they can kind of they sound but they're not that but it's really kind of they're kind of they're just oh they're so much more bark than bite they're actually a really lovely creature it's like why you know this is when i get to heaven i got so many questions for god first of all why would you make an opossum look like that you know you know like because because they're so incredibly sweet and they're really good for the environment i found all of this out you know before i let it stay i called 3-1-1 the first time i saw it i didn't know what to do it's crazy about opossums because no one ever taught me about them but when you see it it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like you know exactly what it is right it's a weird thing and so i called 3-1-1 right and the operator i knew it wasn't an emergency and so i called 3-1-1 and i'm like hey i got an opossum and the operator's like okay and i was like uh so can somebody come get him and she said no ma'am i said you could tell she was just like i could tell she hated me you know it's 3-1-1 it's not help as a rule in los angeles they're there to admire the problem with you you know like yeah coyotes they're everywhere she said i said well what i said well what am i supposed to do she said ma'am they are free roaming and i only time i ever heard of free roaming was like a telephone plan you know what i'm saying so i was like what's this lady i was like i don't know what that means and so now now he just comes by and yeah they don't even live really long this is all on the special now you also talking especially about owning a gun yes because i tried to shoot eugene no i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding i get it yeah yeah owning a gun and it's crazy because i'm against guns not that much enough to feel like i've betrayed myself it's weird it's so it's it's it's it's weird why do you get a gun well i bought a house see this is what's crazy everybody told me like make sure you have like a rainy day fun when you get a house because you know you never know with the roof but they didn't tell me that i would need security in an opossum you know i'm saying like they didn't tell me the other stuff my friend felt like i needed safety he was like you're a single woman the gun wasn't the first suggestion oh at first he was like get a bear trap a bear trap he said get a bear trap kind of my friend i'm from new york city it's just like you you know i'm saying we people don't we don't even let you in the building you know i'm not familiar with it being like a new york custom to have a a bear trap in the no but my that's why i didn't even my friend is from texas so his ideas were outlandish right he said put a bear trap beneath the windows and i'm like that sounds like multiple bear traps right he's like put bear trap beneath the window that way if anybody tries to break in through the window they'll lose a foot then you're calling 3-1-1 to be like i it was at that point in a friendship where i was like how did we become friends oh and now uh zaynab yes you follow in the footsteps of other illustrious gun owners who on this show like the incredible roxane gay and so we would love your thoughts on gun ownership gun ownership in a game we are calling should this comedian be a gun owner should this comedian own a gun already no uh with roxanne it was should this gay person own a gun with you we'll do should this comedian own a gun okay it's a it was it was a beloved uh you know this part of a great tradition here all right i'm gonna give you the name of the comedian you'll tell us should they have a gun okay first up ellen sorry uh i feel like this is we're playing the game and the comedian game yeah that's what happens to be in both you're right good point we crossed over um i would say a time long ago maybe yes today no okay also also she can't she's british now right that's a good point yeah oh there's no guns over there bet you'd find a way uh next up wanda sykes yeah yeah wanda should definitely have a gun but i feel like with any any gun conversation it's not just a yes or no and you gotta you gotta explain i was gonna say wanda should have a gun uh but she's pretty short she's only gonna be able to shoot you in the torso i think that what what hmm isn't the beauty of gun is pointing like you're not pointing you're not pointing you're not pointing you're not pointing bound by that you know a short person with a gun is scarier than a tall person without a gun that's why there are guns yes yes yes but you know this never i'm just saying she's so so short how short is one this okay okay okay next up kate berlant um no no she she real wacky too wacky for a gun yeah i feel like she would be on stage like It's the Glock Real or fake You know like Nah nah She too wacky Next up Janine Garofalo Nah I feel like She already has a gun And we should go get it You know She's not very Technological I don't know If I would Consider a gun I was about to say She's not tech savvy Well yeah right Which is crazy I was about to say Well she doesn't really Even like using her phone You know what I mean But guns are analog That is true They are They're very old school Yeah yeah yeah Guns are yeah They're analog Yeah yeah It's like you're really present And not on a screen Next up Shane Gillis No I mean At least not at the gym Crowd Crowd rises Carries you off On the show Lucille Ball Hmm She could have a gun Yeah Yeah I agree with that Yeah Cat Williams Um Let me just tell you I know Cat Williams Has so many guns Yeah Yeah Yeah Isn't there a story About you Being nervous About opening For Cat Williams Um There is a story About me and Cat Williams But not opening for him I was at the comedy store Very early in my career I'm talking about comedy Stand up comedy Year one for me And I was doing five I was hosting The beginning of a show And this I have a very conversational Um Style And it's It's been like that From the beginning And so sometimes people Will heckle me With love Because they feel like I'm speaking directly to them So I'll be like I went to the store And they're like Yeah what store And it's like Let me get to the bit You know And so this guy Was like Making everything I said About him And there's This small person Came through in a crowd And they had on a hood And you can't see Who they are They're just kind of like Floating through the crowd And they get to the guy And then The hood comes off And it's revealed It's Cat Williams And he says to the guy Don't you see She's trying to do Her material And everybody reacts big And I'm a new comic And in my mind I'm like I can't trump Cat Williams You know Like I hate saying Trump now Uh I can't I can't outdo Cat Williams So I didn't know I didn't have a joke better Than Cat Williams Yelling at somebody And so I just went Ooh But that worked It worked Damn right So you did have a joke Better than Cat Williams Next up Joe Rogan No I feel like Yeah He's too conspiracy Theoried Next up Jeff Dunham But he doesn't have a gun One of his puppets does And he's like And it's the redneck one Bubba J Bubba J has a gun I'm gonna to say no white men should have guns yeah um to a crowd filled with white men uh what about comedian john lovett uh you know what you could have a gun oh yeah yeah i'd let you borrow mine wow thank you zaynab it's good to see you thank you toxically optimistic is streaming on netflix right now and we'll be right back hey don't go anywhere there's more of love it or leave it coming up love it or leave it is brought to you by helix a good night's rest sets you up for a great day so if your mattress isn't doing its job neither can you if it's time to upgrade your sleep that's where helix the most award-winning mattress brand on the market comes in helix custom builds your mattress based on your sleep needs just take the two-minute helix sleep quiz to determine your best fit they deliver your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the u.s plus you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges and you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges and exchanges and exchanges and exchanges 365 night sleep trial as part of the happy with helix guarantee i have a helix mattress it's great i have the dawn lux i took the quiz i had it forever i think it's great it's really comfortable you know uh it's like i yeah it's not the mattress's fault that i have you know i dream where i'm in a tornado with 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with this because you were in star trek picard and we what was your reaction well it's been a pretty bad week for star trek fans writ large because we also lost walter koenig of this week as well and walter i'll start with that walter was uh was our neighbor he lived around the corner from me and so uh you know i've known walter for 10 years and so just as we were processing the loss of of walter i you know found out that we lost patrick as well and that's uh it's a it's a big blow both of the men icons uh they shaped a lot of us young nerds in many ways and uh i i'm fortunate that i got to you know spend time and work with both of them so yeah it's a big one it's a big one so patrick stewart is obviously associated with these uh kind of larger than life science fiction and comic book characters right but he's also this incredible classic comic book character and he's also this basically trained actor is there any moments or experiences from being on set with patrick stewart that for you that is a specific special memory of being kind of face to face with him yeah uh there was a moment uh you know because in between takes you're just trying to keep morale up and you're having fun and it's everybody's ribbing each other and whatnot and so at one point uh myself and freaks we were just piling on and playing with each other and we were just playing with each other and we were just playing with each other and we were just playing with each other and we were just playing with each other and we uh patrick goes i'm a knight of the fucking realm perfect and he and not many people can play that card so it was he wasn't lying uh but he was doing it in in in good spirit it was awesome it was awesome um so uh in vision quest uh and wandavision these are spun uh which is where it's uh spun fun off of it's sort of dystopian future has working on the show changed the way you've been doing it in the past and how you've been doing it in the past and how you've been doing it in the past and how you've been doing it in the past and how you've changed how you think about uh technology making uh changing the world what do you think um you know it's funny because the the characters in the show are a a lot of the characters in vision quest are ai and they're ai personified um funny story uh i'm on the phone with my mom this morning and trying to get her to understand the show and so she was like she's like so are they people in a real house how are they people in a real house how are they people in a real house how do i at my mom's uh 84 and so uh trying to get her up to speed i go okay mom you know when you say hey alexa play me elvis picture alexis sitting in a room somewhere and she gets up and she walks across the room and she goes through her record collection and she pulls out elvis and she plays it just for you our show is about the woman in the room not about you asking her to play elvis so trying to get her to understand how she's doing and she's trying to get her to know how we translate technology uh technology does it scare me personally um it's like anything we have to you know what do they say a tool is a weapon if you hold it right that's what zaynab is experienced with her gun but their guns could you imagine like hammering nails with a gun like that's just fraught you're also a very public nerd and expert on dungeons and dragons we had brennan lee mulligan on the show and so i'll ask you the same question i asked him is there something that about me that makes me people think i play all the time even though i've never played it even once in my whole life do you have mirrors hey also you have your own dnd custom damn it you have your own custom dnd table we have a picture of it yes look at that oh look at me stashwick's signature game table there it is uh what is what is the table doing for you what is it providing doing uh providing a uh a home base for me and my friends to gather and share and tell stories together and sip bourbon and roll dice and it's a you know look we we have we're addicted to screens and so what i love about dnd is is it brings us together in a public public a private setting it's not public it's not like out in the middle of the street it's private it's in my home um that's not my home that's the guy that made i'm in my home in that picture but all of that other stuff and that's not actually my table you guys got to get better research but it's the it's the right design um what i like about this table uh designed by the weather dragon is it was built to sit in my nerd lair to uh as as a place for me and my friends who are here uh to to to gather and play dnd with uh because i think that tactile experience is important now in this digital age xan have you ever played dungeon and dragons i didn't i have not ever but okay yeah come on over yeah i would love that i would love to play yeah done 20 side die that's it look here's my problem is i like games where the rules are clear and you're fighting to win and with guns and dragons i'm not going to play it i'm not going to play it i'm not going to win i'm not going to play it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i'm not going to fight it i like competition and i like to i like to understand there's there are adversaries but then but it's always up to some dungeon master to be like and then there was a dragon and it's like well it's not at all how we say it you're underselling it is it is it more of a hang where you're all telling a story together or there are moments where here's what i want to know okay is there a feeling when you're playing judge and dragon that is the equivalent of the feeling where if the next thing goes well you stand up in triumph and if the next thing goes poorly you flip the board very much i mean it has that it has an anger at your friend uh can people at the end of this be so mad at each other they don't want i feel like that's where this is going i do i want to play a game where it is fiercely competitive and that there are times where once in a while it goes too far and you don't talk for three days and then you know what i mean that's the level of competition i believe that i mean this is a 50 plus year old game i am sure there are friendships that have ended because of dnd that's good so you're welcome to come and and stir shit up at my table anytime great but i do think i'm sorry no no please but i do think uh there it does become very emotional you do get invested in the characters characters die in the game and people people get uh upset about that and i'm sure tables have been flipped it's not mine it's really heavy yeah it looks like a real it looks like a well-built so it's very hard to flip i was just going to say if that doesn't work if they don't get you riled up just try spades see spades see spades i guess for sure I'm sure you will fight. You just need a deck of cards. Yeah. And then, you know, you can go, you know, get pretty, pretty, pretty quick. Can you put money on Dungeons and Dragons? Is there action? Well, there's dice, man. Can we make money? Can I bet? Can we have gambling involved? I'm sure there's somebody out there who's gamed the system. Yeah. Who's figured out how to monetize it. I think you want another game. Yeah. I don't think. Go to Vegas. Hey, you know what? I'm going to go to, I'm going to go be a, I'm going to go to Vegas. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to play Dungeons and Dragons, but instead of a dungeon, it's a craps table. And instead of a dragon, it's a craps table. And then I'll be playing craps. I think you've solved your problem. So the Marvel movies led to WandaVision and WandaVision led to Vision Quest. Yes. And Vision got snapped and then he comes back. He gets de-snapped. No, he was never snapped. He doesn't get snapped. No, he was killed. He was just killed. Yes, he was. So, uh, so if you saw Endgame, spoilers, it was 10 years ago. Um. The Mind Stone was ripped from his head and he died and Vision was the love of Wanda's life. And so in WandaVision, spoilers, uh, she, in her grief, recreated him and she had a family with him and children. I remember that. Yes. And so there is this fabricated hex version. Then there's people from the government called S.W.O.R.D. that don't like that. She did. She did that. And so from the broken old Vision, they made a new Vision and sent it to kill her. And just before, uh, you know, everything went fakakta, the, the hex Vision, the good one, put all his memories inside the evil one. And now our show is about the evil one living with maybe not being evil and suddenly having all these memories of a wife and a family and being a hero. Yeah. Which really raises the question about what the fundamental nature of consciousness is and what a self might be. See. Right. And in an AI, does an AI, can an AI be an intelligence and a consciousness if it, if it can supersede our kind of primitive notions of what it means to be a self, which is based on a mind being trapped inside of a skull, like another mind sitting across from you. Agreed. You know? And then it's also like computers stuff. Spooky season started in August this year. Nice seg. Flawless. But enough about hexes. It's time to celebrate spooky season because this is our Halloween episode. Spooky. Uh, for a segment we're calling this the egg of spooky truth. Bill, thank you for the egg. Uh, and these are questions that dare to ask. What are you so afraid of? Wow. Uh, first up, you wake up to a scary sound in the middle of the night. Your spouse wakes up too. Do you pretend to still be asleep? So they will hopefully just go handle it. My wife will already be up and looking. Oh, I will not have heard the sound because I am out. Um, if not apnea, um, but my wife is already up at no spooky sound. She will be up checking the house. To see if it's fine. Am I wrong? Nope. 100% right. Um, yeah. So I don't even have to think about it now. If there's, if there's a brigand that needs besting, right. I will be roused. Yeah. So you'd be right. The D the D and D jumped out the, uh, what about you? I, I, if I hear it, I'm definitely going to wake up and go, yeah. And the, and you're tapping the gun that her gun is named babe, babe, babe, be a gun. Okay. Um, yeah, I, my, I will say my, I am, I fall asleep incredibly easily. And then once I'm up, I'm up, uh, Ari is Ari's whole family are night owls. They're always awake. But once Ari falls asleep, it's like, uh, having a hibernating bear in the home. And so if they're, I'm up, I'm always up. And I'm cause I think in every, there's, I don't know about like, I think in every couple, there's the person for whom, and when the alarm goes off in the morning, their battery goes straight to a hundred and slowly goes down. And then there's the person whose alarm goes off and their battery slowly charges over like the next, you have to like take an hour to wake up. I'm right up. I'm ready to fucking go. I'm right up. Let's go. Yeah. I like the idea of like maybe yelling out to an intruder though. Like, what is it that you would like? Yeah. Sometimes. Here's the combination. Yeah. You know, some people are more reasonable, you know, like let me do it just, you know, take your shoes off. Oh, you're in a new, you're a no shoe house. Yeah. That's why the possum can't come in. Let's see next up. What if the possum had shoes? What's your most rational fear? For example, death or leprechauns. My most rational fear. To fall in, like break my teeth. Oh, yeah, that's a, yeah, that, that resonated. Mine would be like cleaning my ear with a Q-tip and then somebody is going to open the bathroom door and then I'll like, yeah, yeah. And then all of a sudden you're like, can't do math. I forgot my childhood. Yeah. Whenever I'm, if I'm on this, if I'm walking with somebody on the street and they have their, I'm a, I'm very anti people, especially if it's raining or cold or dark, whatever people walk with their hands in their pockets. I'm the friend that's like, or the. I'm just, everyone's hands out. You can't walk around with your hands in your pockets because if you go down, you can't stop it. Yeah. And what if you went down with a Q-tip in your ear? Yeah. Crazy. Let's do another. What's the scariest animal to find a bunch of in your basement? A bunch of rhinos. Like a bunch. Like one would be too many. And you're like, Jesus. There's eight. Although that sounds like Jumanji. You're not wrong. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Disturbing message. It kind of, yeah. It kind of crosses over into awe. It does. Yeah. It does. Eight rhinoceroses. There should be one word for eight rhinoceroses. Also, you got a large basement. Yeah. I was about to say, it must be nice. And by the way, what if you didn't? The upside. Yeah. And they're all like. Smushed. Smushed. Oh no. Would that be a horny of rhinoceroses? Yeah, sure. A murder of those? Sure. Boo! And that's the Aga Spooky Truth. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. AI news comes at you nonstop, but what does any of it actually mean for you? Machine guns from NPR helps you make sense of it. Kevin Roos and Casey Newton explain it plainly, and they're fun to listen to too. Host Casey and Kevin take an AI realism approach. They report on AI as it is without the hype or panic about it. The show explores how AI actively is reshaping work, daily life, and all our futures. Weekly episodes blend. And interviews and industry news analysis so you can stay informed from every angle. You don't need to be an AI expert. It's made for smart, curious people who want to understand what's happening without the hype. I'm a huge fan of Kevin and Casey. I'm really excited about this show. I really love their old show, Hard Fork. And so I can't wait to check out this new show. They really are great at helping you understand what's going on, especially when there is so much noise about AI and it's hard to figure out what to believe. So listen now to Machine Guns in the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. On election night, we will all be feeling a lot of feelings. Do not spend it alone. Spend it with me, Alex Wagner, for Crooked Media Presents Live Election Results. We're going to have Jon Favreau, Jon Lovett, Tommy Vitor, Stacey Abrams, Dan Pfeiffer, Aaron Ryan, and many more special guests to be announced. And they're all going to help us make sense of what's happening as the election results roll in. So here's what you need to do. Subscribe to Pod Save America on YouTube and tune in on Tuesday, November 3rd at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific for hot takes, catharsis, and as many results as we can possibly analyze. Oh, that's cute. You. And we're back. I'll tell you what scares me. The fact that I didn't say very clearly that you can watch Vision Quest on Disney+. You can. Spooky. It's our last show for Halloween and our last show before the midterm, so it felt only fitting to bring back a festive favorite, the scream wheel. Here's how it works. We'll spin the scream wheel. We'll each get 60 spooktacular seconds on the clock to shriek about a spine-tingling topic of our choosing. Are you ghouls ready? Let's spin the wheel. Me first. Zainab, it's landed on you. You have 60 seconds. 60 seconds. Hey, because it is Halloween season, I think that people shouldn't ever say it's not that scary. When I say I'm scared of something, when I say I don't want to see a movie, don't be like, oh, no, no, no. It's not that scary. My cousin made me watch The Ring and I was like, what's it about? You know, I'm scared of scary movies. He said, oh, a girl just comes out of a well. That's never going to happen. I watched the movie, had to take sleeping pills as a teenager. Here's the thing. Not that scary is not a measurable. You know what I'm saying? Not that scary changes for everybody. So whenever you offer somebody some scary shit and they say, no, no, no, it messes with my sleep. I don't like scary stuff. Just be like, OK, have you seen Vision Quest on Disney? Yeah. And I'd like to give back my time. Yeah, it's like, I'm sorry. Is Halloween an exception? No. No. That guy. We were like, wait, what? Do I get it? I said it with I said it with inexplicably at least like three negatives inside. Is it not the case? Is it not the case? Let's spin it again. Dun, dun, dun. Just a horrible sound, guys. It's up. Todd. OK, I don't believe in ghosts, but I'm a skeptic. And because of that, I will be skeptical of my own beliefs. So don't tell me a house is haunted and tell me to sleep in it because that's the night I'm going to be proven wrong. I am going to go to sleep in a haunted house going, I don't believe in ghosts and wake up in an eyeless Victorian boy. We'll be fine. I'm going to go to sleep in a haunted house going, I don't believe in ghosts and wake up in an eyeless Victorian boy. We'll be floating above me. And that's the thing with haunted houses. What is it about demons? They know a dramatic arc. It's like they've read McKee. So like you move into a haunted house and they're like, we're going to move the coffee cup. Did that make them leave? Just jump to bleeding walls. Have a little doll chase me down the hall. Then I'll leave. But it's like, oh, lights are on and off. Not enough. Screw the dramatic arc. You want me out. Have pig's blood raining down upon me. Such an important point. Thank you for saying that. I mean, that is so true. I get to the point. Just get to it. You want me out. You're trying to flip the house. Yeah. Just start with like, start with like green faces chasing you down the hallway. Isn't it funny? That if Scooby-Doo is about anything, it's fundamental idea is that, uh, that the world is materialist and there is no, there are no such thing as ghosts, that the fundamental idea of Scooby-Doo is greedy men. It's always the landlord always without except there's never, is there one episode in the history of Scooby-Doo where it's like, oh, it is the devil. It's never the devil. It's just a guy who wants the land every time. And that's the devil. Well, one time it was the devil. And then the advertisers told them, no, no, we can't. Yeah. It's gotta be capitalism. The advertisers. There's the devil. Let's spin it again. Oh, that's a horrible sound. I think the wheels rigged. It has landed on me. And I would like to rant about the LA people mover. Now, the LA people mover, uh, is a, uh, train that is meant to relieve a ton of congestion and traffic around LAX. It is supposed to, uh, relieve traffic from public transit, from the rental cars. It is supposed to, from parking. It is supposed to remove a bunch of the congestion that has made LAX a fucking nightmare for years. It was already supposed to be open. It was supposed to be open for the world cup. It keeps getting delayed. Mayor Karen Bass said it was actually, was actually planning to be there for the opening before the election. Now it has slid again, uh, after we saw this. Now, as we have reported documents, we obtained updating lenders on the people mover project say there were. There were three so-called arc blast incidents on September 23rd. And then a fourth one occurred on September 25th. An arc blast incident is the technical term for a type of electrical explosion. Do you believe that that is a train that you are going to be riding before the end of the year? Do you think there's going to be ready by December 8th? And I want to just, can we roll the clip of, uh, mayor bass being interviewed about this? Do we have, uh, uh, this moment, the people mover is there. You can drive by LAX and you can see the people move. That's not the intention. No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying is that it's in its testing phase and they have run into some problems with the testing phase. What I feel very confident about is that by the end of the year, January or January, it will be up and running because if it is not one of the firms that are under contract will suffer very severe financial consequences. We asked her office several times to explain what she means here and didn't get an answer, but here is one possibility. The project's financing documents lay out a deadline of December 8th and if it doesn't get extended, the contractor could be in default to the lenders. And yes, that does apply financial pressure, but it doesn't speak to when the train is going to be ready for passengers. So now the deadline is already slipped to January, if not February of next year, this is now a project that has been. It's been going since 2018 is hundreds of millions of dollars over budget. It has been incredibly mismanaged. And so this is my reminder to people in Los Angeles that we have a mayoral election going on right now. I would like to know that we have a mayor that is keeping an eye on projects like the people mover and that are on top of what is happening with these sorts of projects before they start exploding at the airport. Thank you. We're right back. And we're back. We sadly must bring this show to a close. The Crip Kicker Five has a concert in here later. But before we fly off into the night, let's sink our teeth into some second thoughts. My terrifying team has written a list of. We got increasingly thematic as the show went on. Usually in this show, we start really committed to a theme and then slow down. And slowly forget. It's rare for us to get to the theme by the end. My terrifying team has written a list of all the monstrous moments they think I should regret from this eerie evening. I will read them to you and you'll tell us if you agree and if you have anything you regret from tonight as well. I'm dying to hear it. First up, you did not like the Jewish supermarket jokes. You are not comfortable with that whole thing. And I'm leaving it in the show. I could have bailed after the first one bombed, but instead I did several more. I tripled down and I don't regret that. And you all know. Wait. Oh, you know I'm Jewish. Did you. Was there anyone that didn't know? Because that might have been part of your discomfort. Let's see. Oh, I want to just be clear. Ronan Farrow did not. Ronan Farrow did not vote for Trump. That was a joke. You guys really hate it every time I said Jews. I do have to go back to therapy. Okay. Zaynab, instead of asking Zaynab a follow-up question about getting hit by a truck, I told her a story. I told her about a YouTube video. You did. About a car accident. You did. That I saw one time. You, you. I said, "Isn't the beauty of guns pointing?" Hey, what happened when you got hit by that truck? You, you. I said, "Isn't the beauty of guns pointing?" Oh, well, I broke both my legs. Hey, what happened when you got hit by that truck? Do you really want to know? You broke both your legs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was traumatic. I couldn't walk. It took me a year to learn how to walk again. Oh, I see. I see why then after that, what could happen? What could happen? Oh, wait, no. I mean, you got to know. You get hit by a truck. Yeah. This, yeah, it wasn't like a little Uber Eats truck. It was. It wasn't like one of those little robots. It wasn't a little robot. This was like a huge, like a, yeah, this was like a, not a 16 wheeler, but like a UPS truck. God. Yeah. Oh, did I not make it? Now I feel like, you know, I'm Jewish, right? No, I mean. Right? Did we miss context? uh i invited todd to tell me i look like a nerd and then was caught completely unprepared when he did so that question was a bear trap i asked todd what is your table doing for you uh gibberish question um but i understood it i speak nerd oh the team regrets that they did not have the right of the table, they want you to know that-- - Oh, you know what, fix it in post. We're good, we're good. No, you have the right table, just not my table, but it's, you can, it's a longer story. - And I did try to make D&D serve my gambling addiction, which probably is not correct. - We can figure that out, though. - Do you have any regrets, Todd? - I should have peed before the show. - Zaynab, any regrets for you? No, this has been perfect. Wow. I have but one regret, that it must end. Oh. And that's our show. Thank you so much to Todd Stashwick and Zayn F. Johnson. Four days until the midterms. Go to votesaveamerica.com right now. We'll see you next Saturday with our special show live from Crooked Con. There's a couple tickets left, but it's almost gone. Have a great weekend. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, Kelsey Gante, and me, John Lovett. Our production team includes Hallie Kiefer, Sarah Lazarus, Raman Borsellino, Peter Miller, David Toles, Claudia Sheng, Jay Banks, Raul Calderon, Gavin Purcell, and Matt DeGroat. And our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East. We're going to have Jon Favreau, Jon Lovett, Tommy Vitor, Stacey Abrams, Dan Pfeiffer, Aaron Ryan, and many more special guests. To be announced, and they're all going to help us make sense of what's happening as the election results roll in. So, here's what you need to do. Eastern, 6 p.m. Whether you're searching for this, wanting something, like this. Oh, that's cute. You. You know when you try a new food and suddenly it's like, wait, how did I not know about this? Ryan Seacrest here. That's how people are reacting to Kewpie. Mayo. The one with the red cap you've probably seen on TikTok. What makes it different? Egg yolks. Kewpie uses egg yolks only, giving it this rich umami flavor that elevates just about anything. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. Food lovers use it. You never tried it? Find the red cap and see what everyone's talking about. Kewpie, the original Japanese mayonnaise.