Daily Marriage Habits That Can Improve Your Relationship | Meygan & Casey Caston | #171

In today's episode, Dr. Liz and I are excited to welcome back KC and Megan Caston from Marriage 365. We dive into their brand new book, The Marriage Habit, and share practical tips and tools like love lists and the 60 second blessing that couples can start using right away. Just three years into their marriage, KC and Megan were labeled least likely to succeed, and found themselves on the brink of divorce, feeling disconnected and without support. Out of that painful season and the lack of affordable, accessible resources, they created the very thing they wished they had. Marriage 365. Today Marriage 365 reaches millions of couples worldwide through their app, website, and resources, offering a safe, practical, and judgment-free space for couples to grow. Their mission is simple but powerful. No one should be blocked from straining their marriage because of money or privilege. You can find their work at marrers365.com. We hope you enjoy this show. Welcome to Stronger Marriage Connection. We've got the psychologist and the professor. I'm Dr. Liz Hale, along with Dr. Dave Schram. Together, we have dedicated our life's work to bringing you the best we have and valid marital research, along with a few tips and tools to help you create the marriage of your dreams. Well, Dave, I think I've told you before in my private practice. I often see couples on the brink of divorce. They have one question for me. After they've so vulnerably shared their hearts and spelled out a variety of fears and a complicated history, they're always asking me, "Are we just the worst couple you've ever seen?" It's so tenderhearted. These beautiful couples. They're in pain and they so much want relief from the misery, but they don't know where to start. Talk about an honor to see them. Such a gift. Well, one of our favorite couples does get it. They're back with us today. Just three years into their marriage, Casey and Megan found themselves at rock bottom. I don't know who voted them this. It's kind of tongue-in-cheek, but they were voted a couple least likely to succeed and on the brink of divorce. If out affordable or accessible resources to guide them, they really struggled to trial and error to try to rebuild a connection and restore their relationship really all on their own. Well, their journey became the love and inspiration behind their platform, Marriage 365. Inspiring couples around the globe to strive and thrive. What they have built leaves me spellbound. Welcome back to Stronger Marriage Connection, Casey and Megan Caston. Thank you so much for having us. Yeah, absolutely. And while your second book is out now, it's February, the Marriage Habit. Yes. Be key to books. Thank you both for being open books to all of us here on Stronger Marriage Connection. You are sheer joy and inspiration. For starters, I love the Marriage Habit. I read it in one fell swoop. And it's really more of a handbook on how to implement a marriage operating system, which I think is so fascinating, similar to a business operating system that companies often use, to ensure their success. Describe to our listeners and viewers an marriage operating system. And how do we even begin to design one ourselves? Yeah. So the idea came because I work with a lot of entrepreneurs and they create success in their lives in their business by being very intentional, by creating an operating system to manage people, cash, execution, and strategy. So think like KPIs and what are we doing strategic thinking and what's our company culture look like? And that creates all of this success. And oftentimes that terminology is a business operating system. Like what's the code that we're going to operate off of to create and handle success and scalability? And the idea is when Megan and I, when we were at rock bottom, we realized we had just been winging it in marriage. We had fallen for all the popular myths of love is all you need. And if it's true love, it shouldn't be this hard. And we just hoped and wished and fantasized that we're just going to eventually arrive at a happy marriage. And the turning point really became when we started being intentional in our marriage and finding like what are the healthy habits of thriving couples? And early in our coaching practice, we realized gosh, you know, we would never run a business off hopes and whims, right? So why would we treat the most important relationship we have on this planet with such cavalier, just, you know, whatever happens like we're not being intentional or purposeful or proactive. And so, you know, probably the ladies don't find the romance in a marriage operating system. But when I do talk to husbands, they make that connection really quickly like, oh, if I were to create these systems, these healthy habits into my marriage, I can actually create success and connection and friendship and all the fun and the loving feelings. Mm-hmm. I was really touched at the beginning of your book. We were describing a typical tussle between you and Megan was at the, at the, at the, at the still I think cooking had a baby at her feet and you would just come in and said she's just, how are you going to help? And I just love cases that you said is like, I, I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want us to be better than this and Megan, you agreed. And that was just such a, a tender beginning. And I think we could have that beginning probably at any time, right? When we get it stuck. Like, I don't want to do that. Can I have a do over? Can I start again? A little bit like a repair. Yeah. I, I think that we, when we're hurting, it feels very hopeless. Like you said, how old are coming to you and they're saying, are we the worst you've ever seen? And in their minds, they're thinking they are. We thought the same thing. Because this all there is, it has to be better. People would have stopped getting married thousands of years ago. That was this bad, right? Like, how signs up for this? There wouldn't be shows like the bachelor and the bachelor. Like, if we all want this happening ever after, there's actually ways to get there. And I think that Casey and I, we have found there are these certain habits, these certain behaviors. And yes, you could say an operating system that really are effective and for anybody. Like there, you don't have to have a degree in marriage. You don't have to be a sociology major, a psychiatry major, you know, you, you can be just the average everyday couple because that's who we are too. I love that you guys have said that even in the past that the couples that don't necessarily need more marriage therapy, it has this place for sure, but they need more marriage tools. So please unpack for us, Megan and Casey, what you mean by that and why are habits the game changer? Can I start by saying, we are huge advocates for individual therapy. I think everybody in their lifetime, if they can afford it, if they can find someone, I think it's the most amazing gift that you can give yourself. With that said, couples therapy is tricky. And that's not just because, you know, there's bad therapists out there while there are bad therapists, but to get three people in a room aligned with just scheduling can be really difficult, right? And then just having a 50, 60 minute session, you know, sometimes it takes 20 minutes to kind of unwind after the day and being with the kids and then you're like, just getting into it and then it's time to leave. So there's so many different facets and I think again, knowing that it's very expensive, there's a lot of couples who are already under financial stress and it adds that component. So that was one of our biggest issues was that we couldn't afford the therapy that we really needed and we felt very discouraged that there wasn't a lot of resources. Now this was pre social media, pre podcast, by the way. So there just wasn't a lot of resources when we were trying to rebuild our marriage. But what we've discovered is that a lot of couples think that therapy is the only option. And what we'd want to say is it's one option of many and that there are healthy habits like we talk about in the book that can very much so help your relationship. Okay. I mean, I want to add this is that, you know, when we get about two to 300 DMs a day, I mean, we're hearing stories all the time of couples that are coming to us saying like, hey, we've been in therapy for years. We've spent thousands of dollars and we haven't seen the results because we go into the office and we just hash out all the painful moments of the past week. And so what we see in marriages, marriages like this for it's like this train that's like shoving you in the very, you know, small of your back that's pushing you forward. And, you know, as a couple leaves that therapist office, they've got to make another 50 decisions in the next couple days on how to parent, how to do meal plans. Where are we spending our money? So the tools provide kind of this framework by which we can continue to doing life with some structure and even how do we repair, right? Because just ruminating over that painful past is not helpful until we start going through that process of repairing. You know, the marriage therapist, I might be able to help with the foundation of how do we get here? Where does childhood play a role if it does? And where's attachment? But to then have a gift of like the two of you. you and your platform marriage 365 and now there's great new book on habits. I mean what a gift for someone in my position to be able to give to couples and interact them. So I'm so grateful. We'll be right back after this brief message. And we're back. Let's dive right in. You say that it's a small and simple things that matter more in marriage and the large grand gestures. So the 10 habits in your book, which one would you say might most quickly transform a connection between couples? Do you have a favorite? I know you have your favorite. I have my favorite and it's probably the connectivity that I find myself doing in couples coaching. Oh wait, she said like for a quick connection. For quick connection. I want to know what you're going to say. Okay. Okay. I think I know what he's going. I know his favorite habits. Yeah. I'm going to say the most powerful habit that we teach in that book is an unsolicited apology. That's the actual work of repairing the relationship. Now tools are super helpful. Like when in the hands of a skilled carpenter, a hammer is like a great tool. And the hands of a crazy man. It can be a weapon. But what we need to do is we really have to work through some of the pain of the past. And when we clear that up, then that provides an opportunity for us to find connection and use these tools in a healthy way. So personally, for me, I love the framework that we teach with apologies. And I've as I've led couples through that to see the pain of the past disappear like magic tricks is so it's unbelievable. It was a sample. A sample. Oh, okay. I know I remember that not the word but we delete but yes. Because if you say but like I'm so sorry I hurt you. I was on my phone. I made you feel not prioritized. But babe, my boss was going to call me. The moment you see but you just wiped away and invalidated your spouse's feelings. All right. In the spirit of vulnerability, this is an apology. I just recently gave to Megan. And it was around the matter of finances in our marriage. And so one of the things that we just kind of weren't seeing eye to eye on alignment. And then that kind of created some mistrust actually. So I came to Megan towards the end of 2025 and I gave her a apology that sounded like this. You know, I'll look at you and say it. I am sorry for not playing as a team when it comes to our finances and making decisions without your knowledge or without communicating with you. Making you feel like I'm living this independent life. I'm not part of your team. We're not finding alignment and common ground. Even the distrust that can happen. And for that, I was wrong. That was that it created all this tension in our marriage. And that's not something I want. How can I make this better? And then we had a very long conversation about practically how are we going to change this behavior so that this rupture doesn't continue to happen in our marriage so that there is alignment. And we brainstormed a ton of ideas. And then you asked the last question of the apology, which was, "Will you forgive me?" And I did. Because I'm really grateful that he owned it, that there was accountability. And he was trying to repair and he recognized that's the unsolicited apart. He recognized his own that he had hurt me. Not intentionally, but he did. And with that, we have already, there's been so much more alignment with our finances. It's been incredible. Well, we just posted on a Friday night like, "What are we doing on Friday night?" We had a two and a half meeting, two and a half hour meeting of us just talking through finances, upcoming purchase fees. We wanted to go in 2026. We'll kind of money set aside and finding that. And that was him rebuilding trust with me because he wasn't willing to do that. He's the spender and I'm the saver. So I'm always willing to be like, "Let's talk to our money and where we can save." And he's like, "Let's just go have fun and go to Hawaii." And I'm like, "Well, we don't have all the money to just go to Hawaii." Yeah. I could offer a similar apology casey, so I really appreciate your modeling that for me. I can see or I have a little guilt in that regard, living or acting a little single or independent. Yep. I get it. Maybe where by you? I have it from the book. Yeah. Probably one of my favorite habits is called Lovelests. And it's really behind this idea that we all give and receive love differently, similar to Gary Chapman's five-level languages, right? But that we make a lot of assumptions that our spouse should just know how to love me. I've told them or they used to do it, how do they not know? And I always say, you know, for Casey, he's really good at words of affirmation. He writes me letters, he writes me thoughtful text messages and postcards. And while I appreciate it, words of affirmation is a zero for me. I'm like, I just want you to all of it dishwasher. I just want you to help put the kids to bed. I'm an acts of service person. And so we're loving each other, the way we wanted to be left for years. I showed up as the biggest cheerleader like, "You're the most amazing person in the world." And I might just go do something off of my to-do list. No idea around love list is creating, you're like writing down, we say at least 10 ideas, very specific, specific as terrific marriage. The need that you want your spouse to love you. They do the same thing, they make their own love list, and then you switch the list. Now you have a cheat sheet on how to love your spouse the way that they want to be loved. And in the book, we give hundreds of ideas. I love the four steps, be specific, positive, realistic, and miserable. Because that too is my favorite part of your book. Oh, really? Oh yeah. I think I may have told Casey that, and then I just thought it was great. Yeah, because I think a lot of people say, I just need you to show up more. I need you to love me more. I need you to listen more. I need you to initiate more. We are very vague in marriage. And this is part of the marriage habit, the operating system. We have to be more specific and not base our love and how we show up off of assumptions. And it's okay that their Hollywood is very big on portraying this. You should just know it should be organic and all natural. And I'm like, here to tell you, for most couples, that's not the case. And there's nothing wrong with you. If you need to be specific and say, Hey, I love it when we're watching football and you reach for my hand. Let's start saying that way. How different would we show up in marriage if we had the confidence to say, this is exactly a love list that my husband. And I can show up confidently to say, this is how we want to be loved. And we would call that pushing those things down the funnel of specificity. It's very tough. It's very vague, but at the very bottom, it's like, what evidence will you have to convict your spouse that they're operating off your love lists? Yeah. Love it. Love it. Because it takes you have the guessing out of it and the assuming. And then you say, and I think I would be very appreciative knowing, okay, specifically, yeah, what is it that I can do? Because I think a lot of I'm going to say, man, you know what? Let me know. I'll do anything for you. All right. You just let me know. And so the list, it's got to be just so helpful. I love it. Love it. Love it. Dave, I'm going to say to that because you just brought up the gender thing, you are 100% accurate as we have done love lists with thousands of couples over the years. We've tested this, tried this and the husbands, most of the habits in this book, the husband's really like. And I think that that is something that if any of your listeners are leaning in right now, is that meant typically I find are very much so like, just tell me what to do. I love my life. I want to please her. I want her happy. I want us to have connection. But I feel like I'm missing the mark. And I feel like my wife is is not specific. And then there's this frustration. And so men typically just avoid or they do the same things that they've been doing, hoping for different results, which is the definition of insanity. And I feel like this gives men so much confidence to be able to know how to love their wife well. And when we wrote this book, we were specific with making sure it was for men. And women as many marriage books are written just for women. We did not want that. We went to ping a random house and said, please allow us to write to men too. And they said, absolutely. Love that you have done that you guys. Hey, in your work with so many couples through Marys 365, curious, what patterns do you see in modern relationships? Because there's so many new different things than even a few years ago, right? That they make marriage feel harder than ever before. Great question. And it is interesting to pull out like the macro lens of like, where we're Like what's the common threads that are actually starting to impact the way we do relationships? And this one stands out very clearly to me. We have created our lives around comfort and convenience. Right? Quicker, faster, just take this chill and all this will go away, stick this in the microwave and it's an easy dinner. We've been doing that, whether it's used this technology to save yourself some time. So we're chasing after like optimizing our life around comfort, around convenience. Here's the truth. Relationships are about discomfort often and not convenient. So what I'm seeing for a lot of relationships is what's comfortable as avoiding issues. What's comfortable is coming home and just watching a show and binge watching. What's comfortable is really not leaning in into like these difficult conversations that we need to have in relationships, like boundaries within laws, which insurance plan should we pick? Who's going to be doing what's sure? Those aren't convenient or comfortable. And so funny, if we just did an event last night and someone said to us, you know, we're just really just waiting for that time to arrive for us, but we never can find time for us. And it was like just with this gentlest, softest blow, we just said, that's because you're not making time. Time does not just magically show up. And so what can happen is we kind of tend to settle in and we're becoming more emotionally lazy. I'm going to create a comment. You can't just put a marriage on a bookshelf, right? Like a book and hope it stays there because it won't do. Yeah. Our calendar is a reflection of what we value and who we value. And if your marriage matters, you're going to make the time for it. You will say no to other folks so you can say yes to each other. And that is definitely something that we've seen. Wanting comfort, easy, we're too busy. So it's not like they're purposefully hurting each other or growing apart. It's actually like these small daily decisions that are slowly making couples fall out of love and grow up hard. It takes us intentionality, this responsibility, this accountability. You know, we love how you emphasize personal responsibility inside marriage. What are the areas that we need to be accountable on as partners? Well, absolutely number one, I think should be your response to any kind of communication or conversation you have with your spouse. I always tell women and men I work with your response is your responsibility. And if you don't like how you responded, then go and word and go, hmm, why did that trigger me? Why did I yell? Why did I shut down? Why did I want to give my spouse the finger? And really there's empowerment behind there because we're all broken and messy people. We're all not going to respond perfectly every time, but your response is also reflecting something's going on in you. So while you can't control your spouse and their response and their words and their attitude, you have 100% control over your words, your forgiveness, your attitude, your tone, your nonverbal communication. And that is something I would say, think about the last couple conversations you had with your spouse and how you responded to them. And are you happy with how you responded, you disappointed, are you confused and lean in and be uncomfortable and be honest with yourself? I love radical responsibility. That's what it takes. And we're back. Let's dive right in. I'm back to calendars. I wanted to ask you, can you tell us a little bit about your calendars? I remember something about Wednesdays, right? Wednesdays are kids are gone. I love. Oh, yes, literally. Yes, our kids go to youth group and we schedule sex. Now to clarify, we also make that a date night. So there's four play and dinner and usually a walk with a dog or a card game, but we say no to everyone and everything every single Wednesday night, because the kids are out of the house for two hours and it's phenomenal. And we love, we look forward to Wednesday nights. We save a little bit for energy on Wednesdays so that we give each other that time and the evening. I do also want to say that, you know, during one of my other favorite habits, I mean, I just like I got 10 habits. They try to pick your favorite child. But the weekly marriage business meeting again is one of those habits where we've implemented and we've taught thousands of couples, millions of couples. This habit and the stories we get back are so powerful that when this is a habit that is introduced, where at the beginning of the week, we're being proactive at looking ahead and like inserting like, when are we going to have connection time? When do we have self-care time? When are we going to have family time? Oh my gosh, look at this day and all the responsibilities we're carrying. Let's make sure that we're gracious with each other. Oh, look at we've got some, some holes in the calendar. What would be the most important thing for us to do? And it just gives us that visibility. And one of the things, I mean, if you looked at our calendar, it looks like a rainbow threw up all over it because it's got all of these designations and who's going where, what time, reminders, activities that we're doing. I cast for on and it just allows us to create space for what's the most important thing in our life. And what are the things that we need to move forward work wise, but also with family, rather than allowing life to just kind of carry us away with the tides that may not be going in the direction we would want to. Yeah, so we are advocates for scheduling sex because just like anything else that's a priority sex to us is a priority. Now here's the thing, we are just those people and maybe it's the season of life we have two teenagers where if we don't schedule it, it just rarely happens. And so that's just where we're at. And so we always tell people, you know, if you, if you're having spontaneous sex, then you don't need to schedule it. But if you're struggling and you're like, man, we just don't have it enough, I would want to make sure we have it more considerate and go knock it until you try it. Yeah, there's a typical day. It's got everything. Yeah, oh, wow, look at that. And that level of intentionality is a discipline and it's a habit that at first is hard, awkward, weird, wow, that you're feeling tension. I feel all the structure, but as soon as you recognize that within the constraint within the discipline, you actually experience freedom. Now we'll fight if we don't do it. So now it's just an on-negotiable every Sunday night, 9 o'clock, we sit down and look at our entire week. Nice good for you. And I'm sorry, I kind of missed that picture. So do you do something? Is it an on-lays, like a Google calendar? We were both tapped into. Tell me, what's your, what do you use? Yeah, so we have a shared calendar where, like for example, I have Megan's email address loaded into my phone and I just turn on the calendar and everything else off. So I see her world and then same thing, she's got my email address and she sees my world. And really what's most important is that we have this like, we call it a single source of truth. Like this is our calendar. We're both looking at it. We're both putting it, inputting parts of our day into it. And that way actually when we're apart, I know what her day looks like. And for example, you know, I've heard this so many times from couples, I try to text him throughout the day and then he doesn't respond back to me. It's like, well do you know what's happening in his world? He may be in eating. He may be in a strategic call. Like there's lots of things going on. I'm like, angry that their spouse isn't texting them back right away. It's like, well, so now we have like, I have awareness of my day and I have a way to make it stay. That's pretty cute. I have a very old fashioned calendar still kind of embarrassed to admit. But I mean, I do, I love his daytimeer. I can't help it. I can't help myself. And my husband, I'll catch him before he leaves town. He works for United and he'll bring his phone over and he'll take a picture of my week. Yeah, I really, I appreciate that. That means a lot to me. I think there's apps out there, but I mean, if you like, we both have iPhones, it's very easy to do. You can just chat it and say, you tell me how to add just my spouse's calendar, not their email. There's videos and tutorials, but yeah, there's so many resources now with technology. And listen, if you have a paper calendar and you take pictures and you find a way, and it works for you, great. Just make sure our advice would be just to align and make sure you're doing something together. That's right. I really love that. I appreciate that. In any case, yours are one habit that might have surprised me. you both and how transformative it became in your own marriage perhaps you've already mentioned that but what do you know about these habits? I know mine. Who do you want to go first? Oh you go ahead Megan. Okay mine would be the known position. Okay. Yeah. The acronym. I love it. It's not a sex position. People ask all the time. I don't know that position. That wasn't in my country. The known position is an acronym KNOWN because and it stems from the fact that we all want to be known and our spouse wants to be known but we do live side by side. So this is actually all about non-verbal communication more than anything else which is so powerful as you both know. And we do side by side. We drive in the car side by side. Watch TV by side by side. We typically you know we're in bed on our phones or reading a book side by side. We brush our teeth side by side and rarely do we actually turn towards each other. And so the known position is this idea that you know we walk you through in depth but it's like need a knee open body language turning off all distractions but what we've seen because we do this at marriage retreats and we do this with couples coaching there's the the defenses just come down instantly when you get in the known position. The the healing the feeling safe like emotionally seen and safe it's an instant with the known position that would be I've been surprised at how many people have come to us to say doesn't even matter what we're talking about but when we're in the known position we're already connecting. It's powerful. Knees Knees is what I remember are you okay sharing? Is it okay Megan and Ksu give this away? Yeah the new one. Yeah please Knees I know starts with K Knees and then. Knee. So you're literally taking two chairs so that you can't really do it on a couch it's pretty hard so you want to be in chairs. So Knee Knee in is no distractions no phones no kids don't have the tv on a background don't be cooking dinner okay um oh is open body language as men and women we often cross our arms ladies like to cross their legs well we get it it really sends a message of I am closed off emotionally. Even if you're not unfortunately non verbally that's what it communicates so we would say open arms you could even put your arms on their knees um you know and then yeah ladies make sure your legs aren't crossed and then w is bring your whole self yeah don't be thinking about your to-do list or your work or the kids just come you've already put yourself in the known position bring your whole self emotionally spiritually mentally and physically like present and grounded be present yeah like don't don't share only half truth just be there so it's like being there with your whole self emotionally but also physically and the last end in the known acronym is nurturing eye contact so this isn't like glaring we're like IRL you know this is how often do couples really look at each other in the eyes which is so vulnerable so but also very healing and very powerful and what's the quote you always say the eyes are the window of the soul yeah eyes are in no end to just into the soul yeah so and if you're disconnected oftentimes we avoid that eye contact because we don't see right now a feeling like love or safety and in the book we say you know listen that's the acronym if it's too much focus on one or two of the parts of the new position maybe eye contact like our son's autistic eye contact is very uncomfortable for him so maybe if your spouse is uncomfortable with eye contact focus on the knee to knee and the no distractions anything of the known position is going to take your communication up a level because you're probably not not already doing those things I think that was brilliant and Casey what was the most surprising one was you know can we open up the chapter with this idea that every day thousands of couples get divorced and tick the box that says irreconcilable differences and I'm here to say that every single couple has irreconcilable differences that's right Megan and I have a lot of differences and I think that what it really like shocked me was successful thriving couples know how to leverage the differences and view them as strengths rather than liabilities here we are trying to make a perfect reflection of ourselves in our spouse but that's actually not helpful that's not beautiful it's frustrating it's defeating and it's like it's like this imagine you go see a band with four members and they're all playing the bass and they're all playing the same tone that would be interesting for about 30 seconds and then we're like what so the idea that music actually is that everyone's playing their own different melody right the bass players playing something different than the guitar than the drums and when they all come together there's this beautiful harmony and so when we leverage masculine and feminine energy when we mask you know leverage this idea of being a visionary versus someone who executes on a plan someone who's very organized and someone who's very spontaneous rather than letting that destroy that's actually something really beautiful and beautiful for our marriage and beautiful for our kids to see those two kinds of energies at play irreconcilable differences that celebrate yeah to orchestra that's beautiful John Gottman talks about that right is a 69% of our differences are perpetual yeah it couples get so distracted on 69% on my board that I just changed it to 70 I just bumped in was they wanted to know they were just stuck on that but we are perpetual those differences and just they're not gonna but is they're not gonna change but how we come at them that is what could change how we treat each other in the difference I think that's really nice well my favorite tip we've already said was was what you said Megan same thing about love list I just had not thought of that before I'm not really ever been a fan of the the love languages is not something I give out it just because we are so different right and I didn't find it nearly as helpful but the way you do it I think that's really brilliant and love languages I'm not knocking at boys and that's one of the best sold books around and I love the forward on your book from from that author his name again very chopman thank you so much that he's a fan of yours as well so we we love that but I just love that you took it further so well done on that yeah yeah I love it Megan as you're talking about the excuse me them you know the known position and being right all in and maybe even think sometimes see at work so I'm not with my wife but when she calls I find that I'm talking with her I literally have to like turn away from my computer screen roll my chair back because there's so many so many distractions especially if you're not face to face I sometimes I have to close my eyes because there's so much in my office and just focus on her because I think the greatest gift you can give your spouse is not necessarily your time but your attention you're all in attention I'm locked in just on you and yeah my hand there are no distractions or anything else I love that that position because it is yeah I and I locked and and I'm with you so I love it and even at work right can't have all of them but man I've got to be able to when I'm talking with my wife to really remove the distractions yes yes and I think that even the fact Dave that you noticed said about yourself that you you can be easily distracted is so powerful and that shows self awareness right because I think so many of us think that we can multitask and regardless if you think you're doing a good job it's a great question to ask your spouse do you feel like I give you my undivided attention oh wow and just now you got to be willing to hear their yeah here's a thing go back to that uncomfortable conversation you hopefully you'll learn something from it and I will ask um I think I can multitask very well and what I love about a lot of these habits in the book is that you can actually do them with your children so we have two teenagers they're very distracted but I will get in the known position with my kids is best I can you know and be like when they're when they're struggling or when they want to talk or when I want to talk about something serious and it's amazing the comfort level again defense isn't a defense and even just the noise the mental load that we have in our heads kind of just starts to come down you're like okay we're present with one another right now you're the only person in the room that matters right now it's powerful hmm we'll be right back after this brief message and we're back let's dive right in see you know some of our listeners maybe thinking right now like man I could use that or this and they may be you know feeling this overwhelm and they're like What do I even start you guys if you if it was - The whole of the series is like, what do I start? What's the first habit? You might encourage them to focus on it. - I would say probably we call it a 60 second blessing. - Ooh, yeah. - I think it's one of the, we actually, we had a lot of conversations about should the known position come first or the 60 second blessing? We went back to the course. Because the idea around it, anyone can get behind. And it's this habit where for 60 seconds, you're communicating things that you love, appreciate and acknowledge about your spouse. And then for 60 seconds, they do it back to you. But in the book we talk about, it's great to write it. Just start writing it and then you can read your list. 'Cause people get very nervous having to verbally say those things. And I think that we just have so much transactional communication and marriage. Did you pick up the dry cleaning, what's for dinner, hey, the garbage disposal's broken, can we fix that? We don't get enough opportunities to speak positivity and love. And it's not that it's not there. I believe with most couples, it's there. We just don't get the time for it. And this is that 60 second or two minute habit that you can do. And so even if you write out five to seven things you love about your spouse and you send it in a text message. Start like bare minimum. That will completely change the dynamic that day of your relationship. And we do not wanna make assumptions that our spouse knows we love them. That they know we care. That they know that I think they're sexy. No, they don't know. I'm here to tell you they probably don't know. If they know, they need to hear it over and over again. And so I just think that that would be a great habit, a great starting point for anyone listening, bring some positivity to the relationship. - And that's why I love your book because it's full of these intentional, you know, little magical micro fixes and tips that can help people because other ways people wouldn't think to do that. But if you actually point this out to them, all right, no, I don't know any couple of without having read it or heard it from so hard, this gonna sit down and say, hey, we're gonna write some things we love about each other. Is there each other in the eyes? Like people don't do that. So that way, Lissard, you gotta get the book because it's chock full of all kinds of intentional. These habits, these things that you can start doing to get out of the rut. - And you know, can I just say that Lissard earlier, it's like a handbook. And I actually really connected with that comment because I think what Megan and I are all about is turning insight into action. It's like, that's great. We can postulate principles and theories around relationships, but what is it gonna look like on a Tuesday morning? What's that? What are we actually gonna be doing? And that turning that insight into action is really where the idea of these habits, like you could read the book cover to cover, okay? Or you could just drop into that habit sounds interesting. Let me, like, this week, I'm just gonna focus on one habit. Don't over, so don't overwhelm yourself. Like I gotta implement 10 habits at the same time, but you could use that chapter as like, this is the handbook of which I'm gonna use, I mean, implement this this week, and this is the one habit we're gonna work on. And that, to me, I feel like that accessibility of not feeling like overwhelmed or like, well, what does that look like? Some theoretical thing that now I have to figure out. - Well, my friends Casey and Megan Caston, you've got Marriage 365, your platform, you've got a podcast, well done. You've got marriage books. Where can our friends here on Stonger Marriage Connection find out more about you and all these tremendous resources you offer? - Yeah, just head to marriage365.com and all of our tools and resources are there. A great place to follow us is on social media, whatever platform we are on, just search Marriage 365. And then we would always encourage anyone, we live a free app, it's great, it's 24 hour, you know, care and help, and that's just go to your app store and search Marriage 365. It's such a catchy title, I'm so glad you did that, Marriage 365, it's wonderful. - Thank you God, I'm telling you, I came to my mind and I'm like, we're married 365 days a year. There's no occasion and what would it look like to be intentional 365 days a year? So thank you for that, that's very sweet of you. We like our day. - We like our day. - I do too, I do too. And the word is out, people are knowing about it. It's fun, it's fun when I hear that from clients. - Yeah. - I know them, I follow them. It's like you do, well done, well done, everybody. - Yeah. - I'm calling it to you, well done. - Well, you know, one of our big goals would be to always be a resource for therapists and people working with couples because we have so many and we are online and they're affordable so that while they're going to therapy, our encouragement is just, hey, we can be another opportunity for the couple to continuously be talking and thinking about marriage in themselves. - It's a beautiful connection, I'm gonna do that more often, Casey and Megan, you know, do that more often, right here and make a commitment. Make sure. - As we wrap up our conversation today, we'd love to know in honor of the name of our podcast, you guys have been here before, a key. Do you have a key to a stronger marriage connection that comes to your mind? And you may not remember what you said last time so you get totally clingsy and say whatever you'd like. What do you think? - You know what, I go back to our tagline as kind of a North Star and a center point that if you want to make a better marriage, it starts by making a better you, which is an empowering statement to say, it's not true that you're stuck, your spouse won't participate, there's nothing I can do. There's actually a ton that you can do. And so while it does kind of, I would say suck because that means like you can't blame your partner, I love this position of empowerment to say, I can work on myself. I have agency in my world and that's empowering. - Yeah, what about you, babe? - Yeah, I think for a stronger marriage connection, I would say choose curiosity over criticism, choose curiosity over defensiveness. It will go so far in your life about everything. We get so hurt and we want to defend ourselves, we want to be critical, but choosing curiosity really opens the door to learn. We all should be learning every single day about ourselves and our partner and the world around us. And I'm seeing this trend of close-mindedness and it's very black and white thinking and that's very dangerous in relationships because there is a lot of gray area and there's a lot of unknown. And I think that if we showed up with a curious mind and a curious heart, I do believe a lot of marriages would succeed. - Yeah, well, see I'm gonna hear, I love it. We're gonna take home message and maybe something similar, we call it a takeaway of the day. Something that you hope our listeners will remember from our discussion today. - Success comes from being proactive and intentional in our lives. I want you to know, we want to win where it matters most. It's great that you've created success and maybe in your career or in other different domains. But don't neglect being intentional and even if it feels unromantic to lean into how do I create structures inside of my marriage and rhythms that mean that every week we know we're gonna connect or have sex on Wednesdays, right? And creating that rhythm. That to me is that intentionality is one of those pieces where again, if we wanna go towards convenience and comfort, that's kind of like the opposite of being intentional. - Yeah, I would like it. Yeah, I don't want anyone listening to know that they should never feel bad if they don't know what to do. That the desire to have a good marriage is a wonderful thing but now we have to go after it. And obviously in our book, we give you habits, I know you guys on your podcast give these things but it's, don't ever feel ashamed or embarrassed because you don't know what you're doing because a lot of us don't know what we're doing. We didn't know what we were doing and I just think there's so many people listening that just feel very alone and embarrassed and ashamed and I just wanna tell you, you don't have to live that way anymore and that there is hope and there are resources and there are people like all four of us that want to help you and there are solutions. - Wow, well said. - To tell you. - Yeah, Liz, what about you? What's your takeaway of the day with Casey? - You know, I love the marriage habit handbook. I just think it's exceptional. And maybe my favorite thing that I've heard today, we've discussed and read, of course, in your book is, my response is my responsibility. As you say, day of that radical responsibility. Beautiful. Dave, what about you, my friend? Did I take yours? What do you think of your partner? - These are very good, very tips. I love the specific is terrific. Did I get that right? - Yeah, super guest. - Super guest, you love that. - So, however. - And I love the idea of the love lists but actually being, it's more than a language. It's actually, yeah, spelling out. Here's, here's where I would love more of. I mean, how many of our spouses part? partners would want that. I know I would. So to hear something, you know, I absolutely love it when you, and then fill in the blank. I mean, brilliant, but just so, so few of us yeah, do that. So I hope that our listeners were talking to you that we've had a great discussion. But I hope that you have found a little inspiration, a little nudge, a little feeling here. There is hope that you can. There's so many more resources than ever before today. So don't be ashamed of where you're at. Every relationship can get better. I love what is the case. The point out we all have these reconcilable differences. We all have differences. And that's okay. And some of these we can turn into strengths and some of them were just going to be different. But appreciate our differences. That's really what makes us unique. So all kinds of great information you guys. So thank you. Huge thanks. And, sincerely, thank you, both for dedicating. I mean, huge chunks of your your lives, your career, to really just trying to make marriages better, trying to make people better, giving them hope, sincerely. Thank you for what you're doing. Well, we are, we're humbled by just being able to share our passion. You guys are like titans to us. And though your level of expertise and your ability to speak to so many people into health and and encourage them in the relationships. And kind of what we started before we hit record is if we're going to change our culture to celebrate marriage and family values, not even as a conservative like political thing, but just to say like, Hey, if we want to see the American dream live on, we have to espouse these in culture. It's going to take a lot of us to really turn the tide and say marriage as an institution is an amazing thing. It's not the ball and chain. It should be the football jokes. It's celebrated in honor. Yeah. Well said. Yeah, marriage truly, truly matters. Ah, you guys are great. Thanks for coming on again. Let's do this again sometimes. Yeah. We enjoy our conversations the time. Always goes way way too fast. But thanks again for coming on. Okay. That's all our friends for now. Thanks so much for tuning in. We'll see you next time on another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast. And remember, it's the small and simple things that create a stronger marriage connection. We'll see you next time. Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment and share this episode with a friend. You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram @StrongerMarriageWife and Facebook @StrongerMarriage. So be sure to share with us which topics you loved or which guests we should have on the show next. If you want even more resources to improve your marriage relationship connection, visit StrongerMarriage.org, where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationships, surveys and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer Rex Polonis and the team at Utah State University. And you, our audience, you make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.