Speaker 1Hello and welcome to The Weekend Tea with me
Speaker 2Poppy Coburn and me Michael
Speaker 1Deacon. And now there's no doubting this week's biggest story and that was the Tory party conference and I'm delighted to say that I did not watch a single second of it because I was ill this week and you know lying there in my sick bed I thought I'm not convinced that watching a load of speeches by the shadow cabinet is necessarily going to make me feel better so I missed the whole thing but you Poppy on the other hand were actually there.
Speaker 2I'm very offended I can't believe that Chris Philp wasn't enticing you to come up to Birmingham for the weekend and just go see all the fantastic speeches.
Speaker 1It may sound unlikely but I'm afraid it's true.
Speaker 2You said that you were ill I wasn't ill until I got there. And now I have a kind of Billie Holiday thing going on. I'm a bit husky. I'm hoping you think I'm husky. Yeah a little bit smoky. I mean I usually don't smoke but to get past party conference season I'm there like someone out of EastEnders just like puffing outside just for an opportunity to get some fresh air and not listen to people talk about tax policy the whole time.
Speaker 1So there you go and as we mentioned last week you were there with the young Conservatives which I would imagine is like being at an after show party with Motley Crue but anyway you seem to have survived that. Now what actually happened at Tory party conference? Kemi Badenoch she did her big speech and she was talking about inheritance tax.
Speaker 2Yes so they tried to put clear blue water between the Conservative Party and reform and I think reform was a big part of the conference speech that Kemi gave. Up until that point it did kind of feel like there was a bit of an elephant in the room. There was lots of discussion about like we are the standard bearers of the right and it was like you do remember that you're polling below another party in the right which has been created from your time in government because you've messed it up. Anyway moving on let's all be polite but Kemi did what she did. She did mention it in her speech so she had a few things. She had some policies she was putting out there. There was one that had already been announced by Nick Timothy which is they were going to do the largest prison building program the country had ever seen. You could almost audibly hear the intake of breath from people at the Ministry of Justice going how much? When are we going to have to do this? Please don't make us do this. So that was one of their policies. The other one was the inheritance tax removal on a certain thing. So the family homes inheritance tax removal. There'd been a lot of discussion in the run-up to conference whether or not they were just going to get rid of it altogether. They didn't quite do that. So basically the state can't make you give up your family home. You can pass that down to your children. So that was another one. Also saying that they are tax cutting. They are deficit cutting. 50% all the money that they save from their cuts. Kemi said it was 72 billion. She didn't actually tell us where it was coming from but we're just going to have to take her word for it. We're just going to go to putting you know the hole in the deficit away slightly. Given that we're spending about 110 billion pounds every year adding to the deficit it's a massive amount of money. But I think she was trying to communicate we are the party of economic good sense now and that makes us different from reform.
Speaker 1That was an awful lot of new policies there. I don't think you even mentioned the supposed Iron Dome for the UK. The Britannia Shield anti-missile defence. I mean there were so many different policies announced. But I don't mean to knock the Tories here. I mean these are all very eye-catching policies. Lots of headline grabbers in there but not to be you know with all due modesty I think I think I think I could do better. So I actually did for my column in the feature section on Thursday I decided to write a list of new policies of my own that I think the Tory party should adopt if they want to win the next election because I reckon mine is best. I mean I won't detain you by reading out the whole thing but I'll tell you number one okay this is the kind of thing I think the Tories should be doing. Okay cut taxes for everyone except left-wing celebrities. Perfect. Their taxes should be increased by at least 90 percent. They definitely won't object because they tend to be extremely vocal in their support of high taxes and so being as principled as they are selfless they'll happily pay up. Now there you are.
Speaker 2Gary Lineker's going to love this one.
Speaker 1Well he's going to be right on board with that. Mr Patriotic Millionaire.
Speaker 2They're stuck here.
Speaker 1There you go. No more to cope for them. So I will be consulting with Mrs Badenoch on the next manifesto. I understand I've heard rumours that she plans to make me her chief advisor. That's not confirmed but that's what I hear on the grapevine.
Speaker 2Yeah this is an exclusive for the weekend. You're welcome guys. I mean there were some other good things about conference. It definitely did feel a bit cheerier than last year. Well you would expect that because last year it was the complete wipeout. I mean it was like a big empty cavernous hall. You know I saw some people that were filling up almost too much space. Have you seen the seven foot two tall Tory? Have you seen him? Oh yes. He's hard to miss. Yes. He is hard. It was frightening. I was there at the end of night on Monday night. I was out quite late until indeed the four hours of the morning. Not having any fun guys. I was doing journalism I promise. But I turned around suddenly and I just looked up and up and up and he just kept going on. I couldn't believe it. I said hello to him and he he I could barely hear him. He's so tall. It's unbelievable. Wow. They should make more of this guy. It's impressive.
Speaker 1I think I once saw a photo of him standing next to Kemi Badenoch and I was just thinking did the photographer have to stand on a step ladder to you know to get the angle where they were both in the photo. Or maybe you'd have to take the photo from about 500 yards
Speaker 2away. You couldn't have him as long as Shusinak was around.
Speaker 1It would be too embarrassing. Well I mean you'd be using a microscope. I don't know. There you go. Oh the other thing everyone was talking about Tory conference finally. They produced this giant mock-up of the Bayer tapestry but it's a modern satirical version mocking Labour and reform and this that and the other. And then Labour sort of put out their one and all the rest of it. I mean lots of people were saying they think this is wonderfully funny and all the rest of it. Well I'm afraid I've got to be a killjoy here. A big humorless killjoy. I didn't think it was funny.
Speaker 2I thought it was rubbish.
Speaker 1I thought I mean right two reasons okay. I mean looking at the Labour one right I can't believe it's the year 2026 and people are still making jokes about Liz Truss being outlived by letters. It's so long ago now you might as well be doing jokes about Harold Macmillan frankly. So that was tedious but actually there was a bigger problem for me with these mock-up Bayer tapestries and it's that I wasn't in them. I don't believe you were either. I think that makes us the only two journalists in Britain who weren't in them because the Tories had gone to great trouble to put lots of little cartoons of actual journalists, Laura Koonsberg, all the rest of them in there so that of course understanding what massive egomaniacs journalists are they would all see it go oh look there's a cartoon of me. I'll take a photo of that. I'll write about it. I'll tweet it out. Look at this everyone. That way you get massive publicity for your thing. But yeah you and I are the only ones left out so therefore I think the whole thing was a dreadful
Speaker 2failure. I think it was a very very big mistake. It's like Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty. You didn't invite me. Okay well now I'm going to ruin the fun for literally everybody else. I also have to say I didn't like the AI slot. Like I remember when Kemi did an interview where she said that she didn't like AI or she hadn't heard of AI which I think was a little bit difficult to believe. You know what Kemi's like she says I never make mistakes. I think I've actually audibly heard you make mistakes in front of me but I'll let that one I won't let that one pass. It was quite AI slot-esque. Although I have to say the very very small weeping Robert Jenrick at Kemi's feet was quite funny. Even if it was mean-spirited. Speaking of reformed figures. Yes. Potentially mean-spirited. Just kidding. Suella Braverman is making perhaps the boldest career move she has ever made. And I didn't say that lightly. This is a lady who defected and it's difficult to do so. Left the Conservative Party that made her and chained herself to Nigel Farage. And now she's chaining herself to someone else. Katie Price. Katie.
Speaker 1Katie Price. Yes. The model turned reality TV personage. Glamorous model. Personality. Yes and serial memoirist. She so yeah so that's a very unlikely combination of people and they for the purpose of the show they're going to be handcuffed together the whole time. I saw a story in The Sun about this and it said the show is shrouded in secrecy but the pair could be seen debating in the street. And I'm thinking debating. But what exactly are those two debating about? I mean I don't know whether it's the economy or the war in Iran or the price of diesel or are they talking about the meaning of Englishness
Speaker 2because we know that's
Speaker 1Suella's big big obsession at the moment and we know her views on it. But you know I can't pretend that I've read all of Katie Price's many many autobiographies or read all of her many many celebrity magazine interviews that she's given over the past twenty five years. But as far as I'm aware I don't think I. She has ever expressed a view on whether English is merely a nationality or whether it's an ethnicity. So I would be very very interested to hear her views on that if indeed that is what they were debating.
Speaker 2I don't know. She can't be English. She's from Jordan. Sorry that's such a bad joke. Even as I'm saying it I could I could feel that my heart was pounding. I was like I'm not going to get away with this. The editor is about to tell her. That was a pity laugh but I appreciate it nonetheless. There you go. I think the problem with Suella trying to do a program like this you know it's not the first time we've had a front line politician go on reality TV. Obviously the one that most recently comes to mind is Nigel Farage saying I'm a celebrity. Not just because of the big payout he got for it but in theory you get to see an audience of people you wouldn't usually get to see. It's a bit of fun. It gives you a slightly more light hearted image of the right of politics. We all know what it did for Boris Johnson's career. You know going on Have I Got News For You came across as almost a bit of a comedian. The problem is for Suella. If her personality isn't very good it's not going to go down quite badly. I personally really like Suella Brotherman. I like Suella Brotherman. I think her public image is much harsher than is fair. She's actually a very nice lady. She's very respectful. She's got a really good sense of humour
Speaker 1as well. There you go. Maybe this is the opportunity for her to show the real her. This is going to be the real her. Exactly. She's next to Katie Price. We think oh god she looks very nice next to her. My goodness. Yeah. She looks soft and gentle and caring. Lovely Suella they're going to be called.
Speaker 2Yeah, Sam looks to Katie Price and they look soft and gentle and caring.
Speaker 1I think you've figured out Suella's plan. I think you've worked it out.
Speaker 2And it's also not the first time that a politician's been there with a page three girl. I remember a really old segment. It was in one of the daytime TV shows where Theresa May was sat next to Theresa May, who happened to be a page three girl. You wouldn't usually get those two people confused, but they did actually put them on a sofa together.
Speaker 1I used to work at a lad's mag, and I don't remember any of our models being called Theresa May, nor did we use the other Theresa May. I just want to clarify that point. Well, I was unfamiliar with her work. Maybe she came after my time. I don't know.
Speaker 2Geoffrey Archer has passed away.
Speaker 1Yeah, no, indeed, yes. Just out of the blue, really. Just really the day before, his new novel came out. Extraordinary, yeah, which, of course, inevitably, like all his other novels, will be a huge bestseller. I mean, he was an enormously successful writer. In fact, I've got a great story about this, because he made such a lot of money for his huge bestsellers.
Speaker 2Yeah, politics doesn't pay, but writing does.
Speaker 1And because of the enormous success of his books, whenever he was staying in London, he had this enormous, lavish, palatial penthouse apartment overlooking the Thames. It was spectacular stuff, apparently. I was never invited, but I've heard a lot about it. Anyway, this was about 25 years ago. I think he was hosting some of my party there. I don't know. One of the guests was there. He was a journalist who'd never been there before. And he goes up to Geoffrey Archer and he says, I'm awfully sorry, Lord Archer. I need to go to the toilet. Where is it? And Geoffrey Archer says, Oh, just go past the Picasso and then left at the Matisse.
Speaker 2Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 1I like it.
Speaker 2What a gigantic flex.
Speaker 1This is a man with, let's say, no shortage of self-confidence. I think another example of that was in the year 2000, okay? The September of that year, he was charged with perjury. Three months later, he began starring in a West End play he'd written himself called The Accused, in which he played a man who is in court suspected of quite a serious crime. Not perjury, but another very, perhaps even more serious crime, in fact. And at the end of each performance, the audience in the theatre had to decide whether Geoffrey Archer's character was innocent or guilty.
Speaker 2Did he think that was admissible in court? Your Honour, I have had several screenings where the audience said that I was free as a bird, completely innocent man.
Speaker 175% of the West End audience over the past six months thinks I'm innocent.
Speaker 2Press the red button if you think I'm innocent.
Speaker 1I'm innocent. Admittedly, the crime I was charged with is a fictional murder, but nonetheless, I would like this to be taken into consideration, please.
Speaker 2I don't really think we have that many kind of stars who are entering politics now. I mean, the person who actually did come to mind was Nadine Doris. The famous lady novelist who's so many, many. I can't say I've read any of her books, but she's massive. She's absolutely massive. I think she's the last true kind of celebrity writer who's actually gone into politics.
Speaker 1Okay. I mean, unless J.K.
Speaker 2Rowling. Oh, if J.K. Rowling goes in. gets involved.
Speaker 1Wow. Now, there's a game changer. I would vote for her, I'll tell you that. Well, as long as she doesn't join the Green Party.
Speaker 2I'm sure Zach Polanski would love that.
Speaker 1Well, funny you should mention the Green Party. Yes, they have done something that means that I will certainly never be voting them. No, I was planning to. Anyway, for goodness sake, I don't think I'm a target. Notorious lefty, Michael D. King. I don't think I'm a target vote for them anyway, but I'm even less of a target voter now. So they have voted this week that Zionism is racism. Now, that is somewhat counter to my view that anti-Zionism is racism. But there you go. They've decided that if you support the right of Israel to exist and defend itself, you're a big old racist, according to them. Anyway, there's a lot to be said about that, but I want to say just one thing first, which is this is from the website of the Muslim Greens, okay? Obviously, Green Party members who are Muslim. And the page of that website is headed Guidance on Identifying Islamophobia. Okay, and here's a sentence from it. The party, as in the Green Party, must not divide Muslims into acceptable and unacceptable categories based on whether they distance themselves from other Muslims, foreign conflicts, advocacy, Islamic practice, religious dress, mosque attendance, or criticism of state policy. Now, that's all well and good. That's fair enough. But isn't that just. Isn't that what the Green Party has just done to Jewish people? Hasn't it just divided them into the categories of acceptable Jews and unacceptable Jews, depending on whether they are Zionists or not? And isn't that related to a foreign conflict, by the way?
Speaker 2What's going on? There's a few things I'm pulling out of that statement, which is, you know, the first one that jumps to mind is, does that mean Osama bin Laden is welcome under the Green Party tent? I mean, if we're not dividing Muslims into good and bad.
Speaker 1He's fairly unlikely to make an appearance at the next conference, I would say.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's quite a long journey up from hell, I think, for him to get to Brighton, although some would say that he had, it's more uncommon than you might like. So that was the first thing that jumped to mind. The second is, can you imagine if there was a Muslim who was pro-Zionist, whether or not they would just be OK with their views? They would be completely happy with a Muslim who says, actually, you know what? I think Israel has a right to exist.
Speaker 1If you can find me, this pro-Zionist Muslim, I would be fascinated to meet them and interview them on this podcast.
Speaker 2The whole rollout of this anti-Zionism thing was really disgusting, particularly watching the senior leadership of the Green Party put out their little pre-planned statements to go like, no, we didn't actually have any involvement in this, but we accept the result of the vote, which, again, is a little bit difficult coming from the same people that wanted a second referendum. Whenever they use the words, we accept the vote, like the people have decided, I always just think, but you don't, do you? You just agree with it. You just think it's a good policy.
Speaker 1And this whole debate and vote just happened to take place in the same week as the anniversary of October 7th, 2017. It probably just. Total coincidence. Total, total coincidence.
Speaker 2Just like when people started doing their pro-Palestine marches on the October 7th. On the day itself, yeah.
Speaker 1Bad timing, huh? They didn't. No other day was available in the diary. Everything else was booked up. It was the only day they could march.
Speaker 2Right, we're going to have to get a bit slapstick because I think we're both getting quite wound up by this. Yes. Here is a proper, you know, post-silly season story for us. Yes. Putin's new intimidation tactic, sending agents to poo in the homes of Finnish MPs.
Speaker 1Right, OK. So if these Finnish MPs have upset him and his way of warning them right, his way of warning them that I've got my eye on you because I'm going to send my best men into your homes, sneak in and use your lavatory without permission. Is that it? That's the theory here. That's what's happening.
Speaker 2I have to say, I kind of, you know, the Eastern Bloc have done these things before. You know, the Russians have done these sorts of things before. Even in the example of East Germany, it used to be that the Stasi would go around to dissident houses and they would move all the furniture just slightly, just enough so when you would walk in the room, you'd feel slightly uncomfortable. And it was part of this tactic that they wanted to make you feel like you were going insane. Now, I do think it goes a little bit further than moving a teapot to I'm going to go into your toilet, do my business and then not flush the chain afterwards.
Speaker 1Yeah, I mean, I think there's two ways of looking at this, OK? Number one is, you know, if it's Putin behind it, I'd say, well, look, it's better than being thrown out of a 10th floor window. The other point is, I have a theory here, right? This Finnish MP who claims this has happened, have we considered the possibility that he's making it up, right? That he did, he did it himself and that this is going to have to be edited out, but I'm just going to say it anyway. Total pan blocker, right? And thinking, oh my God, the wife's nearly home. What am I going to say here? It won't flush. I can't, I can't get rid of it. So when she comes home, he says, look, look, look what Putin's spies have done. Putin's spies have broken into a house and look what they have done. They're doing this to intimidate me, you know.
Speaker 2Are we sure it might not just be a mistranslation, is she? Because you can kind of see how poo, Putin, Putin, poo. Is there some kind of Finnish word that's loaned by it? Were the media just confused? Was that maybe that's what they were pointing to?
Speaker 1I think I prefer your Katie Bryce joke.
Speaker 2Yours better. I'm losing my edge here. Right, let's move away from poo. Let's move away from scatological topics. Yes. Back into some firmly Daily Telegraph topic, which is ties are back in fashion again as men have smotened up post-pandemic. I'm looking at a man right now. He's not looking very smart to me.
Speaker 1No, I knew, I knew as soon as I, I can't ask where's your puppy. As soon as I had a go over your Katie Bryce joke and your Putin joke, I knew you were going to get immediate revenge on me somehow. There you go. No, indeed. Yes, I think your views on my shirts are well known. Thank you very much. Anyway, supposedly, yes, ties are back in fashion. Obviously, I'm not wearing one, I must admit, but then I defy you or anyone else to find a tie that would go with this shirt or any of my other shirts. I mean, there's a challenge for you. Go ahead and take it up if you want. But I have some doubts about whether this story is really true. This idea that men are wearing ties again because, you know, just at the exact same time in the House of Lords, they've decided that ties are no longer mandatory for peers, which is quite controversial. I know Andrew Roberts has been writing about this in his Spectator Diary this week. He says there's a Labour peer, Lord Davis of Brixton. He's against ties. He says these days ties are only worn by estate agents and funeral directors. How snobbish. There you go. Yes. Snobbish socialist. There you are.
Speaker 2I don't know. I love ties. I mean, I went to a primary school hilariously that made us wear ties. So you'd have little seven-year-old girls walking around with ties on. So I actually know how to tie a tie because of my experience. There was none of this stuff where it was, you know, you'd get something on an elastic band and you put it around your head. It was part of the uniform. Sorry, an elastic band and you put it around your head? Have you not seen this? Fake ties. So some people in the school used to wear fake ties and it was the bane of the school establishment. So what you would do is you would get like a little band that would be like a half tie so you wouldn't actually have to know how to tie one. And you'd put it on like a necklace and you'd already have the pre-tied bit at the bottom but around the collar there wasn't actually a tie it was very
Speaker 1weird what is happening
Speaker 2to this i know i know what may be forgivable if you are talking about children who can't really read and write yet but totally not acceptable for adults you know i really don't like the tony blair vibe going on whatever it was with the wide collar again i've got to look away from you
Speaker 1this is getting too personal this
Speaker 2is getting too personal right no i've got an excuse
Speaker 1here right i'm excuse the reason i'm not wearing a tie is is that i am i i was told not to i was told this this is a weekend show a weekend vibe so uh don't wear a tie yeah open collar something a bit colorful there you go i can tell you i i don't normally dress like this at home or do any other context i shouldn't really be having i make you excuses my wife actually my wife is before i did the first episode of this she she said to me you know you're going to be on camera your clothes they're very tramp they're all the same they're all basically dark blue she said she said you should be wearing something more colorful get some colorful shirts with a nice pattern you know a strong pattern something that's really visually arresting and i think you've got to say i've done that
Speaker 2i i i really can't have a go at you because i am part of the other side i think this is a women's problem we're blaming men for not wearing ties this is where women are going wrong where i wear smart trainers smart trainers to work so i can't actually say that they're looking particularly smart today they're a little bit shabby because i walked in a puddle yesterday but um i think that's another thing where standards have dropped so women don't wear high-heeled shoes and they also don't wear pumps they'll just walk around in adidas sambas
Speaker 1all day there you go comfortable there you go yet another thing it takes two it takes two to ruin society indeed well should we squeeze in one more here yes please so uh ties are back in fashion but mushy peas are out mushy
Speaker 2peas were never in surely mushy peas popular the ones from the can the disgusting green peas that you come out of a can and go splat on a plate right you like them
Speaker 1wouldn't say i have very strong views either way on mushy peas i think you can tell you have
Speaker 2i couldn't believe it you know i was having um fish and chips dinner a couple of weeks ago and uh my partner decided that he he really nostalgically wanted to mushy peas i didn't they came in a can i thought you just cooked peas and then you you mash them up yourself no no you've got a can of them just slap there into the pan and then you eat them hot which somehow feels even worse they smell really unpleasant they're very unfashionable mushy peas but i did have a conversation with someone where they pointed out completely correctly that the way you sell it to gen z is you call it pea puree right and immediately i thought oh actually i'd have some of that i think mushy peas very declass you know very old english food oh no thank you pea puree french fashionable i can see that on instagram i will have some of that with my chips
Speaker 1delicious you're reminding me of uh the old story about peter mandelson which may or may not be true but i prefer to believe that it's true because it sounds so like him at the time because you know he and so uh one time he went into a fish and chip shop um which is something he didn't normally do not the normally the kind of uh place he would frequent um but uh anyway he went in and he said oh yes i i will have some uh fish and i will have some chips and oh what's that some of that lovely guacamole please oh no because now
Speaker 2i'm gonna have to say there's something that me and peter mandelson have in common well as long as it's only that i think we need to leave it at that thank you very much you
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