Critique Feels Like Rejection To The Fearful Avoidant (FA Podcast Series)

Hey, it's Bruce. Fearful, avoidant husbands get stuck waiting for their wife to change. My two self-guided courses stop chasing, start leading, and saving your marriage has little to do with your wife help you focus on your own security boundaries and leadership. They are low cost, go check them out, securehusband.com/resources. One of the things that I noticed in myself and in a lot of the men that I work with that are fearful, avoidant. It's how quickly criticism means rejection, even if it's constructive criticism. Welcome back to the Secure Husband Podcast, pre-sabot certified professional coach founder of SecureHusband.com. What do I mean by this? Okay, if your wife says, "I wish you would help more with this." Your brain says, "She is critical of me. She thinks I'm a bad husband and we start a false narrative in our brain based upon our upbringing and triggers within this relationship, especially if there's resentment." It gives us this inability to look at ourselves objectively. Now, this is not the shame blame or guilt. It's just that when our nervous system has taken over, criticism feels so much bigger than just whatever it is in that moment. Now, I'm talking really about constructive criticism and I'll address what I consider to be unreasonable criticism, attacks, disrespect. I'll talk about that later, but I'm talking about just regular constructive criticism, for example. If she's tells you, "You are pretty harsh with me earlier and you here, husband, I don't like who you are, do you see how now you're taking through a lens and changing things to meet the narrative that you have in your mind?" We find this a lot in household conversations. If she says something along the lines of, "Hey, I need you to listen to me instead of just trying to fix everything, especially when our wives want to vent, they want to talk about something." But our nervous system turns that into something else, husband, you can't do anything right. It's a very fearful, avoidant thing, because when you already carry old fears around being misunderstood or not being enough, then criticism, even constructive, helpful criticism, is going to feel like a statement of your worth and rejection. Remember, I talked about the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is I did something bad, shame is I am bad. It's the same concept. Instead of telling ourselves, "Okay, I did something she didn't like, I did something she doesn't like, she's unhappy with me, therefore she's going to pull away from me, she's losing respect from me, she doesn't want me, and once your nervous system makes that jump, it's hard for you to respond to just that one comment, that one piece of critique. Now, the whole relationship comes up and we feel that in our body, I talk about micro moments in relationships. So now, as opposed to defending this one thing, you feel like you're defending yourself and the entire relationship, we kick into that defensive mode and we explain and justify and many times we'll try to flip it too and bring up what she did wrong and we'll point out the inconsistency. Wife, what about when you, such and such? So what could have been a piece of potentially useful feedback has now turned into a fight. Now, you've got ruptures and protest behaviors happening. It really is about soothing your nervous system to be able to listen to critique, take it in, look at it objectively. This whole podcast series that I'm doing this month on The Fearful Avoidant again is based upon this idea of shame, this idea of I had to perform in order to be loved and if I'm seeing that my performance is somehow lacking, the story that my brain goes to is that this is an example of again how I am not loved. So this Fearful Avoidant material I've been working on. Part of becoming secure is learning to tolerate that feeling of being misunderstood, maybe even criticized, long enough to stay curious instead of moving immediately into a fight response or any of the fight flight freeze-fawn shutting down, withdrawing, sulking, leaving the room. You don't have to agree with your wife's interpretation of what is happening to understand the impact that the protest behavior could have on them or even the behavior of maybe whatever it is that brought up the comment. Let's look at this distinction. Okay, if your wife says, husband, I felt like you ignored me during dinner. Now, maybe let's say you did something on your phone. You may, you may genuinely think, well, I wasn't ignoring you. I was answering a work email or returning a text. Both things can be true. Your intention was not to ignore her. Her experience was that she felt ignored. See, this is where security comes in. Security means that you don't have to win the argument. You can say I was not trying to ignore you, but I understand why it felt that way and I'll be more mindful about having my phone out during dinner. Next time, I'll put the phone away next time and answer the email after dinner. That's not giving up. That's not giving in. That's not, oh, you're just weak. It's emotional maturity. Now, I will say not all criticism is equal. This is where I want to be very clear because the answer is not that a secure husband accepts every criticism that's thrown at you. I'm really talking about constructive criticism. Some criticism is unfair. Some of it is frustration, poorly expressed towards you and can come across as humiliation and contempt and verbal abuse. Let me just get very clear here because those need very different responses. When the criticism is constructive, constructive feedback, usually that's about a behavior. You've been interrupting me a lot lately or I need you to follow through when you say you'll handle something or you sounded really distant and dismissive when I try to talk to you about an issue. Or even if she says I'm overwhelmed, I need more help. Your first job is not to decide whether this was justified or not. Just ask, is there something useful here? You got to regulate your nervous system. You regulate your nervous system so that you don't initially go right into this reactionary mode. That's hard for a fearful avoid because our nervous system wants to answer that question and my under attack. But when we consume our nervous system, we're not asking, am I under attack? I'm asking, okay, what part of this is true? Maybe 20% of it's true, maybe 80% of it's true. You can listen without immediately defending yourself and you can say, okay, I want to understand what did I do that felt dismissive or felt like I was ignoring you? Or babe, I can see why you're frustrated. I said I would handle that task and I didn't. And yeah, you can share your side. This is important. Listening first, it doesn't mean that you are giving up the right to explain yourself. It just means that you stop using the explanation to minimize her experience. A secure partner is going to be able to hear their spouses complaints and feedback and they'll validate the impact of it. The idea is to remain open. Maybe even if you disagree with the interpretation, but you still stay open and not reactionary. And that's a skill that's learning to soothe your nervous system. It does get easier with repetition because our partner is not perfect. Sometimes that criticism, even though it's partly true, but it is delivered in a way that is that could have been better. Let's just put it that way. And that's most of the criticism, really. And I keep using the word criticism. I probably should use the word critique. I'll try to catch myself here and use the word critique. But that's probably the most common critique that we get is when it's delivered poorly, that's going to be immediately triggering. And think about how this goes both ways. You've got a dismissive avoidance spouse who gets triggered very easily. So you can learn how to communicate your needs without attacking or blaming. And they can have the opportunity then to receive that constructive criticism. But sometimes this stuff is just so poorly delivered. But both sides, if she comes up and she's like, you never think about anybody but yourself. Okay, that's a very sweeping statement there. Probably not literally true. But the old you would start arguing, well, this is ridiculous. I do everything for this family. Now you're fighting over the word never. Okay, so a secure response can say, babe, that feels unfair. But I also want to understand what happened that made you feel that way. See how you're doing two things right there. First of all, you're not accepting the big broad sweeping generalization there. But you're also not throwing away the underlying complaint. Maybe what she really means is I needed help this morning for whatever and I felt alone. Okay, now we got something useful here. You can address the real problem without agreeing that you are a selfish human being. That's a big part of becoming secure. This is where you stop confusing. I did something hurtful. I made a mistake with I'm a bad person. I am a mistake. Again, we don't consciously think when I say these things about I am a mistake, I am not worthy. I'm not talking about us feeling this way consciously. I've mentioned before we don't stand in the mirror and say these things to ourselves. This is deep down in our body and our core. Consciously, we're arguing and defending and shutting down and everything. Subconsciously, the message is I'm not worthy. I'm a bad person. See how those are different. And yeah, sometimes you're gonna get unreasonable criticism. We are not perfect human beings. Or she's upset and says something unfair. You ruin everything. You're a terrible husband. You're pathetic. You never do anything for me. You only care about sex. Part of setting a boundaries is not tolerating the intolerable. You don't have to take an absorb those verbal punches and you don't have to fire back with something equally as cruel. This is how it's so important to set the boundaries. Go back to that podcast series I did a while back on boundaries. Babe, I'm willing to talk about what I did that upset you, but I'm not willing to be called pathetic. You hear the difference in that. Babe, if there's something specific you need for me, I want to hear it, but I'm not going to continue a conversation where I'm being insulted or disrespected. When you want to approach this conversation differently, I'll be willing to talk with you. You're not punishing her and it's not avoidance. You're not leaving. You're not withdrawing. You're not sulking. You're not getting angry. You're not. You are literally staying grounded in that moment. That's the boundary. Step away if you need to, but only after you've set the boundary. Babe, I'm going to go take a 10 minute break to cool off. We can come back here in 10 minutes. If you're able to discuss this with me without being disrespectful, I think we can continue talking about this in 10 minutes. Stop participating in a conversation when it becomes disrespectful. In state that, babe, I'll return when this can be a calm conversation and not laced with disrespect, because it would be easy to just shut it down. You'll give her the silent treatment for a few days, but here you're not disappearing. You're staying right there. You're sitting in the discomfort. Notice I didn't say tolerating the intolerable. You're not going to sit there and be a verbal punching bag, but you are staying in the discomfort and you're saying, "Hey, I'd like to resolve this, but I'm not going to resolve it this way." That's something that I am not willing to participate in. Again, boundaries. Just remember, if you want to know the difference between a boundary and whether what your setting is a boundary and what's not, just ask yourself the question, "Is she criticizing something I did, a behavior, or is she attacking me? Is she attacking my worth, my being?" If she says, "You forgot something important to me." That's behavior oriented versus, "You don't care about anybody but yourself." Well, that's a character attack. Healthy, constructive communication, constructive feedback is valuable. She could say, "I felt hurt by how you spoke to me." That is a very healthy way for her to explain that to you versus saying, "Well, you're just an asshole." Well, that's an attack. Do you see the difference? Husband, I need more help around the house. That's a need. Husband, you're useless. That's an attack. Even constructive criticism can be below the belt. But the point that I'm trying to make here is understanding when the criticism or the critique, I keep using that word criticism, but I really mean critique. Whatever that critique is, when is it reasonable and constructive, even if it's uncomfortable? Just because it's uncomfortable, don't label it as an attack, just because it triggers you. That's the fearful avoidant trap right there. Because if you can stay grounded, your nervous system will treat ordinary relationship feedback as learning experiences for us to make the relationship better as opposed to our nervous system treating it like rejection. So when you do feel that that spike in your nervous system, breathe, breathe in squeeze, if you're one of my coaching clients, you know what that means. Just ask yourself, okay, is this actually a rejection? Or is somebody that I love telling me that they need something different from me? And is this a reasonable request? Those questions can save you a lot of pain. And yes, this goes both ways. If you want your wife to be able to hear your needs without becoming defensive, you got to be better tuned into hearing her needs and being able to lovingly state your needs. So let's look at let's look at hearing her needs. Okay, if you tell her, baby, I need more affection. I need more intimacy. I need more emotional engagement. And then you collapse because she says, well, I need you to be less reactive, less angry. I need you to keep from walking out on me in the middle of conversations. Security has to work both ways. So you want to be able to say, okay, that stings a little bit. Okay, I'm still listening. Tell me more. Okay, then decide what's fair. What belongs to you? Take responsibility for what's yours. Reject what's unfair. You don't have to do it in a cruel, attacking way. What happens is that puts you right there in the middle. I put you right in the sweet spot to where you're you're saying, okay, I will hear what she has to say and make a decision if that this is a fair request. But I also am going to keep my nervous system soothed enough to where I can speak my needs as well without self abandonment or defensiveness. So you're not attacking. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to practice this next time that you feel criticized. Just be aware. Obviously first step, secure husband process is awareness. So just pause before you go straight to defending yourself. Take it, take that breath. Breathe in squeeze. Take a moment. What exactly is she saying? Ask yourself this in a calm grounded way. And then ask yourself, is there a reasonable truth inside of it? Okay. What belongs to me that I have control over? What does not? Because if it belongs to you, own it. It's okay to say, babe, I was short with you. I apologize. If part of it belongs to you, it's okay to own that part and that's not self abandoning. Babe, I totally get it. I agree. I did not follow through on that. I don't agree with you when you say that I never care, but I do understand why you're frustrated. What you're doing right there is you're you're doing two things at one time. You're showing compassion. You're showing understand, okay, I get it. You're upset. I didn't follow through on that. But I also am not going to be okay with this blanket generalization that I never care. Usually if you have words like never, always, that's kind of a dead giveaway right there. If it doesn't belong to you, set a boundary. Babe, I'm willing to talk about the problem, but I'm not willing to accept being insulted or disrespected. That's secure behavior right there. For a fearful avoidant, whoo, that is incredibly unnatural at first. It feels very awkward because remember criticism growing up felt threatening, felt like danger. The goal is to teach your nervous system now something new. The mind is amazing. Neuroplasticity can rewire. It's fascinating what the brain can do. And so you teach your nervous system now how to stay grounded. Someone can be disappointed in you and they still love you. Someone can tell you that you hurt them and they still want to be in the marriage. You can make a mistake without becoming a failure. You can hear that critique without collapsing in the shame. And if the criticism seems unfair, you can refuse unfair criticism by setting a simple boundary. That's the balance. Becoming secure doesn't mean that you become stoic and unaffendable. We're human beings. We will react to other people's emotions and messages. It's just how we are. Now what that reaction is is your control. And it goes back to, again, nervous system regulation, but also handling those false narratives. That narrative that says critique automatically means rejection. Think about that as you go through this week. If you face critique, just take a moment, pause, breathe into it. Ask yourself those questions, okay? What is this really saying? And just listen, sort out what's true and refuse calmly grounded with boundaries, the intolerable, and be able to hear it without making it a referendum on your worth. Because what's going to happen there is you now become much easier to communicate with both her communicating with you and you being able to communicate your needs with her. So that's something that I want you to work on this week. This is reframing the narrative in your mind. Constructive criticism is not automatically a statement of your worth and automatically a statement of rejection. I hope you're getting a lot out of this month's podcast series. The fearful avoidant, the most common attachment style of the people who listen to this podcast and critique and criticism are things that we have struggled with since we were a little kid because a lot of times that critique and that criticism came pretty harshly growing up. So again, I hope you get a lot out of this podcast series. Subscribe if you don't already. If you're a regular listener, go to Apple podcasts or Spotify. Feel out of review. I would appreciate that. I get men as I keep saying on these podcasts every single day. Wow, I didn't even know this thing existed. And now that I found it, I binge watched 10 episodes. Where has this thing been? And I tell people I can only do what I can do. I have no power over the algorithm gods of social media. So your reviews help that. It helps keep this content free. I appreciate if you would go and give a review if you're a regular listener. If you've got somebody who you think needs to hear this, share this podcast with them. And if you want to get unstuck, if you are a fearful avoidant, who finds yourself all the time feeling rejected, visit securehusband.com. Feel out that form for a free 30 minute consultation, just a conversation you and I have about your situation. And if one on one coaching is something that is right for you or visit securehusband.com/resources, check out those two self-guided courses that I have up there right now. Very inexpensive. Several hours of video, PDF workbooks in there that help you with reflection questions and guide you through the units. Check them out. And I will see you on the next securehusband podcast. Thanks for listening.