Creating Authentic Friendships

(upbeat music) My name is Lydia, and today's this teenage life episode is about friendships, specifically creating honest friendships. Sometimes being quote unquote uniquely yourself, it can be hard to fit into friend groups, especially in middle and high school, when there seems to be this desire for normality, whatever that means. Sometimes this can lead to people trying to change themselves or how they interact in the world in order to fit more tightly into these groups. As teens, how can we be our true, weird selves? Even though sometimes this can be very difficult. I was like a weird kid in middle school, and then I became more popular in high school. I really like psychology, so when I was like, how does that happen? Like why does that happen? When I was like researching, I feel like a lot of the kids who are popular, they're not trying to get people to like them, they're themselves and they're loud. And people like them because of their confidence. I am like a bit of a floater friend. I have a couple of best friends, but honestly, I don't really get bothered by the idea of this 'cause it's like I'm a well-liked person and I have a lot of sides to my personality, therefore I get along with a lot of different people. But I guess it could be annoying in like two perspectives. The first one being like, I always hear a friend to all of the front to none. And like sometimes I do feel like that a lot 'cause like a lot of my friends fight. And then I'm like, who do I have the sides with? Obviously, I'll pick the side which resonates more morally with me. But it's a bit annoying. And the other part is I can like never go out with my friends as groups, you know? 'Cause like most of them hate each other. It's just really annoying. - In middle school, I really struggled with being a floater friend quite a lot. You know, when you're friends with different groups of people and you really don't have a single friend group that you can say this is your friend group because you can fulfill the defeat as an addition to each friend group just floating around in the teams friend groups without having your own friend group. I'm the type of person who's friends with everyone. That's something I really cannot deny. So it really was easy for me to be friend, many different friend groups. But it gets boring when you realize that you have no group friend group and then you just look at them hang out maybe on the weekend and go out on trips together. And you don't really get invited because they don't consider you that much of a friend but you are their friend. It's like you don't have your people, you know? Like you have people, but then you don't have a group that you really, really like. That's your like writer, die friends. This year I don't have a group, but I don't want to join one 'cause everyone else already has a group and it's like, I don't want them to be talking about, oh, remember when this, something I wasn't invited to. - So I deal with this type of thing and one thing that really helps is it's a very much a perspective shift that needs to happen instead of like, they get to decide if I'm their friend or not, you need to take agency and be like, hey, what if I get to decide like who I want to be friends with and I get to take that initiative and put myself out there and not just have other people decide if I'm worth their time or not? - I'm a very social person. I think I could make conversation with like basically anyone and I think one thing that really helps is that people love to talk about themselves. So just, you know, I'll ask them about themselves, their hobbies and stuff. A lot of my friendships are like acquaintances and school are just like me saying hi to people and the more they're like even random strangers. I just like started saying good mornings to them and every time we see each other, we just say good morning to each other and it's just like weird 'cause I don't know anything about them. I probably don't even know their name, but you know, it's sweet, I like it. - I have a lot of friends throughout different areas and just through different activities that I put myself in. And one of the things that's helped me make friends through those activities, it actually appreciate me, is by picking activities that I care about and then I meet people that care about the same things that I do. That helped me realize that like I actually can be a cool person if people take the time to listen. And along with that, one of the ways that I got people to actually start listening to me because many people struggles like okay, well, I do to talk to people but they don't want to actually pay attention what I have to say or necessarily value it. And the way that I did this, I'm being honest, not suggesting it is that I'm very smart and inclined and I started offering myself to help out with different people with their different homework projects. And so I made a lot of friends through doing that. It wasn't like a conscious decision, it was more just hey, there's this person that needs help, I happen to sit next to them, I'm gonna help them. And then more people started coming to me for help but then they started realizing that I am more interesting than just the value that I can provide to them academically. And that really helped develop my connections within the school in general. And it is a pretty small school so we already know most of the people but it just kind of helped people seeming in a different light. - Unfortunately, for me, our nice struggles with being those little friends it wasn't really that easy. Like I had to learn to be at peace with being on my own before I fully found my group of people. And I lived on there but I first had to completely be okay with that of having no friend group. 'Cause the honest, I don't understand, I don't do well in friend groups but I don't like Frank group school of the drama. Here's a lot of drama in friend groups. And finding a real friend group which is completely genuine or nearly impossible. I just started being comfortable with being on my own and being peace on my own. I'm really grateful now 'cause I don't depend on anyone for my happiness. So that's a bonus I guess. But I started to spend my time learning new hobbies and new languages, cooking, baking, you know, and because I feel like there's just so many different sides of my personality, that's why I'm not being a slow-tab friend. - Awkwardness is oftentimes inevitable in friendships and when making acquaintances. Just the other day, I was going to a birthday party for a friend with a bunch of people that I didn't know. Before we got there, I had to brace myself. I know this is going to be awkward but I might meet some new people that I really like. And if not, I'll be there to support a friend. It doesn't get rid of the awkwardness but it does make it more manageable. - My last friend group was like a group who just happened to have some things in common and became a group. So when my own best friend was a day, it became really awkward for me to interact with other people. And I'm not really good in situations like that. Like yeah, I can't convince other people but I tend to feel uncomfortable and I eat that whatever I'm bothering a person or I'm annoying them, you know? I always had to overthink that. - Sometimes being placed into the very black white perspective of, oh, I'm either really close friends with these people or I'm not, is an issue but then also trying to make conversation with those people when you aren't as close to them. I'm not usually a person that struggles with making conversation with my sister is and when I started really thinking about it and boiling it down, like when you are talking to people that you're not necessarily sure, like what they care about, like what they are going to get excited about. One thing that's really just like valuable to think about is like general pop culture things. And this is something that I try to like talk to my sister, I was like, okay, just think of something that everyone knows about. Like whether it be a popular TV show, something that happened in the news, it's something that everyone has a little bit of knowledge on and they can all contribute to conversation. On the issue of the conversation starter, I actually just complimented person or noticed one thing about the maybe set outset, maybe they wear a lot of jewelry, or just start talking about jewelry. I think this is where it's a good thing to really read about a lot of things and learn about a lot of things as well. Because it really comes in handy when you're talking to a person, if you notice that maybe they're into silver jewelry or into maximal jewelry, you can start talking about that. While the start of the COVID-19 pandemic is approaching six years ago, COVID is still having a lasting impact on friendships. Whether that's relearning how to socially interact or strengthening relationships that had been lost during isolation, we can still see the pandemic's influence. I feel like I just didn't stay in touch with my friends and then I also forgot how to do normal social interactions. So I was like, I don't really know anyone. I'm an extremely social person. I can't even go one thing's giving break without hanging out with my friends. I just really didn't like not being my friend. So even my family friends, I would have to have a school sleepover with them and be at the same house 24/7. Because otherwise, I don't know. I just felt really lonely. Before you become friends with someone, first you need to learn to accept yourself. Because before you find like a group of people you need to know like your own traits and what you want in a person and what you would expect and what they would expect from you. Before the lockdown, I didn't really have that many friends at all. There weren't that many people that I would speak to during the COVID pandemic. So I guess during that time, we all learned to accept ourselves and the people who have become friends with after that, like 2021-2022, those are the people who have been friends with for like three or four years. So a very tight-knit group of friends. Honesty and openness in friendships can be hard, but the negative impacts of not being their true self around your friends are harder. Hiding who you are just leads to more isolation and less connection. Oftentimes, by hiding your true self, you're actually stopping yourself from meeting people you actually connect with. I think I was a pretty popular kid back in middle school, but I think I was just like hiding, because I do know that I had a lot of weird parts of myself, but I just didn't want to show them, so I just actually really cool and chill. I've always had a problem wanting to be nonchalant. I've always been a very nonchalant person, even though it's just an act. But at some point, I did drop the act, and for some reason people didn't think I was weird. When I did that, I thought it was going to be a waste carrier than it actually was. From real, like, in middle school, I was weird. It wasn't like something I noticed. When I was in middle school, I was just like living my life. I didn't notice that I was a weird kid until I came to high school, and then I looked back and I was like, "Wait, I was kind of weird in middle school." I don't think we should label it as weird. I think it's just unique. And some unique people don't accept other people's uniqueness. But I think, yeah, it's just like a matter of who can hide this better. And the whole nonchalant thing is I really thought long and hard about this, and I came up with an entire cause and effect thing. As a child, I was like a very dramatic child, and I was very spoiled, and my parents would always tell me, "There's such a drama queen." And it would really annoy me. So I just stopped showing them that I'm a drama queen, and I started acting all nonchalant. When I, in fact, wasn't a nonchalant person, and I was just a crybaby, that act held up well. And I still struggle with that sometimes, because it's like, I really care about someone or something, but I just don't feel like I can express my concern of my care or my love, you know. I definitely related that so much. Growing up, I was always told that I talked so much. So I ended up trying to resolve myself, because I hated it, and I was drawn to be quiet and be the quiet kid, because people always say, "Oh, you talked so much, you talked so much." So I ended up trying to be quiet, but it never really worked, because only a bubbly way, excited to talk about something, and people just shut the darn, it's just kind of annoying. And it's something that I really felt insecure about, until I decided that there's no point in really hiding who I am. So I just took my love for talking, and I did debate in public speaking. So that's a bonus. People are terrified of caring too much about things, of showing people that they care, putting in effort to things, and being like, "Hey, this is something that really means a lot to me, because it's become a sort of thing of, why do you care so much, like why can't you just, like, quote unquote, be normal when everyone has things that they care about?" And it's just been a definite shift that I've seen, we're just caring a lot about anything, can get you labeled as weird or strange or just not normal, when it's one of the most normal human things ever, to care deeply about things. I think I'm still struggling with that, because I'm also not a very nonchalant person, but it's hard to make friends now, because everyone's trying to be nonchalant, they end their conversations halfway, and they're not actually putting energy into things, and that's why it's also like hard to make friends and not be normal, you know, and actually be yourself. At least in high school, I think it's hard. I think the whole thing of every among them to be nonchalant is definitely ruining relationships, romantic relationships and friendships, because assuming people are so afraid to openly care about the people that they care about, because they're afraid to be seen as too much, I think it's a ridiculous concept, honestly. I never tried to acknowledge a man that I want, really good at it, not a romantic of "I don't care what people say about me", it's definitely something that I adopted. It really helped a lot. Honestly, I still struggle with it sometimes, and like especially at home. I think I'm a very logical person, and like my parents are also very logical people, and I don't have any sisters. I honestly feel like I just make it my entire personality that I don't have any sisters, but I just feel like it's not really acceptable in our households, like, you know, be super emotional, dramatic, and I don't think I was that dramatic as a child, but it's just because I was raised with boys and boys, you know, they're like absolute. They have the emotional range of like a rock, so I just seem too emotional and dramatic for them. Also, I still do struggle with wanting to be an honest child, but I've been working on it. And honestly, like, it's just a really horrible thing, because I've lost many great chances and ruined my relationship with a lot of great people who genuinely cared about me, but I just couldn't get myself to express my care and love towards them. My take on it was honestly, I just reject people before they could even think about rejecting me. Most people are just too busy being focused on themselves and being scared that other people are watching them too, and that sounds like something that really changed my perspective. My parents constantly, up to this day, tell me that I'm actually very weird, but it has somehow never broken myself confidence, and I mean that I am very openly weird when I know I can be, like completely. Like in a professional setting, I won't be weird, obviously. I'm professional, but when I can be weird, I am weird, and I don't necessarily hold back. And it has never worked against me. I think I entertain people, so I think it's a good thing. I've needed to get very comfortable being in bearish, specifically recently, because I joined the school's Theatre One Act program. One Act is about 30-minute plays, and we did a musical this year, and we did Music Man. I don't know if any of you guys have seen it. It's like a classic American old musical movie. And I play U-Laylee Shin, the mayor's wife. She acts very ridiculous. She has a huge hat. There's a lot of things that I do on stage, which are very much like not me as a person at all, and I have to do it in front of my entire school multiple times a week. And that has been some of the worst, but also most helpful and beneficial exposures there be I have ever done. At first, I was like, "I look so stupid up here right now." I don't know why I was given this role. This is not me at all. And then it was actually holding me back because I wasn't fully committing to the character at all. And as I started progressing, get better, and people got better at their acting. And it was that everyone was up there kind of acting ridiculous. One of the main things was a lot of people have this idea that everyone is watching them, and waiting for them to slip up, and always focusing on their every move, and every mistake that they made is going to be on like the late night news that day. And it really helped me be like, "I'm part of this big group of people. I'm just one of many, and I am just one part of telling this story, and maybe acting ridiculous is just my job to play and doing that." One of the times I get embarrassed, the thing just gets wiped for my memory, and I'm really thankful for that. Someone once asked me, "If you're that embarrassed so easily, why don't you remember the last time someone else encountered an embarrassing moment when it came to themselves?" So if you can't remember that, why you stress out about your embarrassing moment, just embrace it with it. So, let's go. I'm at this.teenage.life. Thanks again, and talk to you soon. [BLANK_AUDIO]