Crash Comedy Jam

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. 'Twas a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast! An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees may apply. Endless summer escapes start here. Travel the worlds of Netflix IRL. Inspired by fan favorites like Stranger Things and Squid Game. Brave the upside down. Face off with the front man. Play leveled up arcade games. Shop exclusive merch. And enjoy themed food and drinks. Beat the heat. Play, eat, and shop on repeat at Netflix House at Galleria Dallas. Bring your crew and save. Get your tickets today at netflix.com/summers. Get your tickets today at netflix.com/house. Yep, Charlemagne the guy. Andrew Schultz. We are the Brilliant Idiots Podcast. Back for another week of brilliant idiotness and this week's episode is brought to you by Hunter. Hunter, Hunter, Hunter. No. Hunter, Hunter, Hunter, Hunter. Not Hunter. What? It's not? No. Guys, we're going to get a nice little break. They're going to have us locked up for six months. Nah. No you won't. We're going to get a nice little break. Not happening. Hezekiah Walker. What's up, my friend? Uh, Hanta is not going to put us on lockdown. Hanta, Hanta, Hanta. Yes, it is. If you think this administration is going to put us on lockdown, get the fuck out of here. No, they're not locking us down. No, what are you talking about? They would love nothing more than locking us down. Didn't they shut down the lockdown people? What is that even called? That's what I'm saying. They didn't do a federal lockdown when it was COVID. And it'll probably be a state-by-state thing, but it's not going to be a federal lockdown. What am I referencing in that? Hunter, Hunter. Panther, Panther, Panther. Biden, Biden, Biden. I don't know. Biden, Biden, Biden. That Panther shit is interesting. Should we be concerned? No. You said that about COVID. Was I right, though? Ultimately, I was right. To a certain extent. But this one has a 40% mortality rate. What did COVID have? 0.8. And we shut the world down. You see what I'm saying? 0.8%. For 0.8? 0.8. This shit got a 40% mortality rate. I got to see 40% of the people on that ship die to believe it, man. I got to see 40%. Because I don't know. Because it seems like 40% of the people didn't die on that ship. If the shit is caused by rats, how come New York hasn't ever had an outbreak of the hunting? Y'all are the home of the biggest rats on the planet. But we're part rat. You know what? New Yorkers are part rat. That might be true. You lived around them so much. We're subterranean creatures. We literally travel through the city on subways. On subways. Underground like rats travel through the city. We only come up when we need to come up. That's true. We stay inside buildings all day like rats. That's true. We're not outside creatures. That's true. We can handle the elements. I don't doubt that. I don't think anybody died of COVID in New York. Nah, nah. Mad people died of COVID in New York. For sure. Y'all know one? Yes, I do. Who? Fred the Godson. God bless the dead. I mean, I know more, but the one that comes to my mind is Fred the Godson. R.I.P. Fred the Godson. Were there pre-existing conditions involved? I don't think so. I just remember he was in- R.I.P., man. R.I.P. Outside of Fred, I don't think anybody passed. My aunt died of it. But where's your aunt from? Philly. Philly. That's different. You're not from New York. I'm from Italy. I mean, obviously, R.I.P. Pay attention to- Just in general, who cares if it's two hours away? Y'all need more rats. You don't have enough rats. That's right. New York had Master Splinter. And none of the Ninja Turtles got it. Yeah. I do know one thing. The X-Files told us in 1998 that we were all going to die of hantavirus. I walked in here. Charlamagne's playing a video for Chris. Because that shit cannot be that much of a coincidence. From the X-Files. The X-Files, 20 years ago. This is one of the foremost political journalists, the United States of America. He's referencing the X-Files- Once again. For a prediction on how the world is going to end. Once again, what you just said is another problem with America. Which is? Why am I a foremost political journalist? Listen. You know what? Did you hear this shit? No. Are you familiar with the hantavirus, Agent Mulder? Yeah. It was a deadly virus spread by field mice in the southwestern United States several years ago. Yes. Colder. According to the newspaper, FEMA was called out to manage an outbreak of the hantavirus. Hunter. Are you familiar with what the federal- Hunter, Hunter, Hunter. -emergency management agency's real power is? FEMA allows the White House to suspend constitutional government upon declaration of a national emergency. Think about that. What is an agency with such broad sweeping power doing managing a small viral outbreak in suburban Texas? Oh, man. You're saying it was such a small outbreak. Stop worrying about all this. Yeah. Stop worrying about all this stuff. I'm saying it wasn't the hantavirus. Everything's going to be fine. Well, what was it? Sounds like you're getting scared. Everything's going to be just fine, dude. I know New York's going to be fine. New York's going to be fine. He said, if you want to kill a large group of people, let the hand of free. Let me just- That was the X-Files 20 years ago. Let me just tell you guys something. This shit would happen when the Knicks are about to win a championship. I think about that all the time. This shit would happen when the Knicks are cruising through the playoffs. Not the fact that the Knicks would win a championship, but when you're finally getting everything you want in life. The Hunter. Here we go again with this shit, man. Do you have something in that $200 million contract that says, if there's a deadly global pandemic, they don't got to pay you? I don't know what you're talking about. But I will say, one thing that I've learned about life is all contracts should be guaranteed. That is one thing that I've learned about life. No, but there's a specific term in contracts. It's like a French term. Force majeure. Force majeure. Force majeure is a real term. But force majeure is a real term. So a global pandemic could cut that shit out, and I'm sorry, man. Nah. Nah, buddy. No, I don't think yours should be shut down. Yeah. But no, I don't know. I don't even know what we're talking about right now. But I do know that antivirus, I think we should just be concerned. I'm seeing the Asians back out with the mask, bro. Yep. You know what I'm saying? Chris, be honest. They haven't been wearing the mask in a minute. I haven't seen an Asian in a mask in a long time. You haven't seen him in a mask in a minute, but now they back out. The N95s are back out. Yo, can I tell you another thing that I want to say? See, look at Chris. Oh, fuck. His wife made him leave only the fucking house without the mask. Chris, can I ask you a question? Because pre-mask Asian teeth were crazy. Did they all get like. Shut the fuck up. The braces or something. Asian teeth have been perfect since the pandemic. Now, you're thinking of England. No, England people don't have teeth. That's my family. I know my family. You don't have to explain to me about my family. I know, okay? What I'm saying is Asian teeth were crazy, all different directions. Like, you didn't even know what was going on. It looked like the Game of Thrones chair. No, I think Asian teeth have been good. Post-pandemic? No, pre-pandemic. Immaculate. Yeah. Immaculate. Pre-pandemic? Crazy. Really? I never noticed. I never paid attention. It looked like the french fries coming out the McDonald's box. And then. And then. How do you even see? They don't even open their mouths that wide. Oh, come on, bro. They don't. You never been to like a little dim sum spot? They don't. Every time they laugh, it's like. It's like ventriloquist almost. Yeah, but they got to cover it up because it was the french. It was small fries. It was small fries every time. But now. Oh, perfect. So something happened during COVID where they all got perfect teeth. I haven't seen an Asian person without perfect teeth in four years. Most of the time, I guess. I don't know. Say again? Maybe they were all using their time to go to the dentist. Yo, salute. You got to make. Salute, brother. Y'all did it. Don't waste your time. Use your time wisely. Hey, Great Britain. You got to follow the Asians, bro. I don't know, bro. I don't know why. Why do British people historically have bad teeth? It got to be the tea or something. Also, inbreeding. Inbreeding? Oh, that might be a thing. Because hillbillies. Hillbillies be having fucked up teeth, too. That might be a thing. There might be something to that. You got to control power. You got to keep the power centralized. You heard about the Habsburg jaw in Europe, right? The Habsburg dynasty. If you hadn't said jaw, you might have. There's real information and history being shared here. No, this is actually real. That shit sounds crazy. So the. Perhaps I put this big jaw. You still fucked it up. And you were so close. You still fucked it up and you were so close. No, the Habsburg jaw is like the Habsburg dynasty. They had basically like all the different kings and rulers in Europe came from this one family, the Habsburgs. And in order to like maintain and control power, they would just marry cousins with one another. And then they supposedly started to develop this thing called the Habsburg jaw. And you can see these old paintings of them. And they were fucking gnarly looking. That's the specific one right there. So Jay Leno's a Habsburg? John Dean. What? He's got to be a descendant of the Habsburgs. Yeah, you're royalty, bro. No, he is. You're not just TV royalty. Hey, hey, mama. Yeah, tell her to do something. Tell her to do something. Put that up. You gonna let him fuck you like that? Lil P good? Yeah. Everything fine? Big P. Shout out to Big P, man. Big P in the building. Did you see the roast? I've seen sections of the roast. So I've seen clips and I've seen. I've seen a few different sections. Your perspective is probably different. You've done a roast before. I have done. I have done it, yeah. They roasted you when you was on stage too, right? Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. Okay, okay, okay. A little bit. Overall, I enjoyed the roast. Okay. But I think that one thing that we always have to remember about all of these situations is people have the right to laugh. People also have the right to be offended. Yeah, everybody has the right to do whatever they want. It's art, right? So when you put art out into the world. You got the right to react to whatever you want. However you want. And, you know, I think it's also very important to understand that, you know, what you find funny. or what is the joke to you is also some people's trigger yeah like you can't believe in freedom of speech and then be like you're not allowed to speak badly again no you know the art that you just watched no no and listen i'm i'm cool with i like dark humor right but what i just don't understand the joking about death especially violent tragic deaths i don't understand that what what's what's funny about that shit well well and well sometimes it's very funny it depends right like yeah if you're joking on historical stuff right like something that happened let me tell you 80 years ago an example pearl harbor right okay when they the japanese flew those planes into pearl harbor okay right now a lot of people assumed it was a kamikaze mission i think that they were actually trying to land okay the reason that joke i'm gonna tell you why that but i'm gonna tell you why that's actually a joke why is it a joke because it's a joke it's a joke yeah that actually lands and it lands i see what you did there it lands because why no number one is old i'm sure there are people that'll be offended but there's nobody i don't think there's anybody left to be offended i mean somebody's saying how long ago was that somebody's grandpa found out there was no landing gear but you're not naming a specific person you're not individualizing it right well look like i don't even think you need it's old i don't think you need that what's the saying tragedy plus time equals comedy tragedy plus time equals again again i don't even think you need to explain the circumstance for like if you felt a way about something that's totally fine yes and then what i would say about the rose specifically is like i think i think what has happened is like it's populated social media so a lot of people are just scrolling and they're looking at you know random stuff on their feed they're looking at a funny cat video a stupid ai slop video something else and then all of a sudden the most racist joke ever pops up on feed when you when you subscribe to the roast like when you go i'm gonna watch the roast and you understand like what a roast is your brain is conforming to the standards of the roast a little more so i would imagine people who are like i'm gonna turn this on and i'm gonna hear the darkest fucking jokes ever about everybody and everybody has equal grounds and everybody's gonna be able to say whatever they want i imagine like you're a little bit more prepared to be offended than when you're just randomly scrolling something and you see like you know really crazy offensive the sexist jokes the racist jokes like you can debate that all day i just don't understand why people want to joke on somebody's dead relative i don't care if it's george floyd charlie kirk cheryl underwood's husband who committed suicide pete davidson's dad who died in 9-11 why you're allowed to think that like that the way mark put this that's i think on flagrant it's like there's an x there's a different expectation for jokes depending the the scenario you're in so if you're at work not like this kind of job but if you're a regular job and this is mark's point so i want to give him credit for it but it's like you don't expect to hear fucked up jokes maybe some little like water cooler talk but nothing that crazy is going to make people feel uncomfortable and if somebody does bust a kind of crazy joke it's either that much more hilarious or that much more offensive given the setting that you're in a rose is a very specific thing where like everybody goes hey the most vile offensive heinous things are going to and that is what most people assume going into it definitely everybody on the panel knew that that's possible that they could say those things so like even though their feelings might have been hurt they knew going into the game it's like when you agree to play like you know football it's like you could get hit you could get hit in a way that completely changes you but there's got to be some parameters right i'm sure there's people up there who had things like all right man i don't want to so my rules my rules are like with brady i don't touch i don't don't touch with kids no i don't fuck with the kids at all because like they didn't ask to be part of this and i don't talk about wives unless they have chosen to be public figures so like that's my and that that was that it was actually the roast of giselle though yeah but she's a public figure like she is she was pissed she hated this shit should have stayed married i don't know what to tell you shouldn't cheat it on your man with a fucking karate instructor you know what i mean like there's ways to get around it yeah but by the way to me that's fair game and here's the thing i i just don't understand why people want to joke on death because i come from the era of even if you was making your mama jokes or your daddy jokes it's supposed to be like and my mama dead oh you be like oh my bad like you knew that's where you stopped would you stop there yes because that's now you gotta fight unless you want to by the way i don't have to stop there but if you keep going you gotta be ready to throw hands if i trigger this person enough for he's y'all this motherfucker told me that his mama dead or his daddy dead has anybody making jokes has anybody on the roast said jokes or is it people that are watching the roast they're saying but that's my point if you're if like you said if you're part of the roast you know what the rules are everything is fair game we've heard pete davidson made jokes about his father dying in 9-11 exactly yeah uh i'm sure cheryl underwood has probably made jokes about her husband you know committing suicide kevin hart's you know father died people were making jokes about him i thought regina hall actually thought regina hall's jokes where she was acting like she was channeling kevin hart's dead mom crazy was to funny to me one of the funniest jokes of the night when she was talking about how uh kevin's mom god bless the dead was having sex with michael clark duncan in heaven she's like he you know she was like yes they run trains in heaven and then she's like oh not that heaven because his daughter's name is heaven you see what i'm saying oh wow i didn't catch it that's my point but that's one of them double entendres i was i i find that funny but man i don't find anything funny i am somebody getting choked up by the police somebody getting shot in the neck once again i don't even like the pete and cheryl shit but they're part of the roast and i'm sure george floyd and charlie cracker had nothing to do with this roast i'm sure if they said to the other comedians they're like hey this is a really sensitive topic for me can you guys not talk about it i i i can almost guarantee that all the other comedians there would be like dude i don't even care that much about that thing that happened to you like if you don't want to do that then we won't do it so usually i mean that was the thing about the tom thing the thing about the tom thing and and then there was one moment when jeff ross made a joke about bob craft oh and tom got mad and tom walked up to him during the roast and said hey man uh keep his name out of your fucking mouth or something like that and like for real for real yeah yeah wow it was kind of funny that we made a bunch of giselle jokes and he was like yo keep that shit coming going on online i don't know if it's true from tom brady you seen that statement is that real yes is that probably i hope so sometimes you just want to be real oh you know what i'm talking about yeah it's like i can't believe you let people talk about your ex-wife it's like 25 million if somebody paid you 20 million to make fun of your ex-wife who cheated on you with a brazilian jiu-jitsu instructor you would take it too or something like that let me see if i can find this shit this shit is so funny i mean the way i look at it is like this like when you see people fighting in the ufc it's some crazy shit you see somebody like elbowing an unconscious guy in the face and just splitting his forehead open yeah i don't know if it's true but i don't know if it's true blood dripping everywhere but you go into that event going i'm gonna see some crazy stuff it doesn't mean that you can't still see it and be like oh this is brutal and there are a lot of people that watch it like my dad could never watch ufc huge boxing fan but ufc be like this is just a little bit too brutal for me right but you go into it expecting that thing if you see a street fight where a dude's just pummeling somebody's fucking head it's like you were just trying to walk home so that's going to be way more like i i don't want to watch this and this is fucked up so i think the environment of the roast is the most extreme version of offensive jokes even on stage at a stand-up comedy club is less extreme than a roast why is violent tragic death a joke like it's the thing you're not supposed to say it's the most taboo but where's the funny like i'll give you an example right it's on the comedian to make it funny i i just don't see how there have to be funny premises there's nothing funny about somebody getting shot in the neck there's nothing funny about somebody getting shot in the neck there's nothing funny about somebody getting shot in the neck choked out for nine minutes like like i'll give you an example and i'm not even gonna say no name but let's just say you're a relationship expert you're a social media relationship expert right and you're always constantly giving advice about you know relationships and blah blah blah men and women you know you know who's got value who doesn't have value but the rumor is you uh died having sex with a prostitute taking dick pills there's a lot of premises there that could actually probably that jokes could be made up somebody's getting shot in the neck of this beat somebody getting choked out by the police like why it i mean the the why is how do we make the most unfunny tragic thing funny and that's the difficult task and it's a very difficult task because so many people probably have the sentiment you have but if you're able to make this heinous thing funny it's super high level difficulty it's like diving in the olympics you get scored based on your form but also based on how difficult the dive is or even gymnastics it's not just how you execute it it's how difficult the trick is you need to execute it so it doesn't mean that just doing the joke it makes it funny clearly to you it wasn't but like to other people maybe it was and maybe the perfect joke about that tragic thing is executed in such a brilliant fucking way it even gets a tickle out of you and that's the roll you take as a comedian, or anybody who's being part of the roast. It's a hell of a dice roll when you're making jokes about people who literally just, this just happened to. But you got family members that are still grieving, loved ones that are still grieving. So you, imagine you just want to watch the roast because you a fan of Kevin Hart and you see somebody make that joke about your dad or your husband, blah, blah, blah. I mean, I made a joke about Kev's dad. But Kev's dad is fair game. Right, right. Kev, not only is Kev made jokes about his dad, Kev's a part of the roast. Oh, you're saying using people that aren't even- The Floyd family's not a part of the roast. The Kirk family's not a part of the roast. Got it, got it, got it. And the joke ends up being about them. Instead of that person. The joke Tony Hitchcliffe made ended up being about George. It wasn't about Kev. Right. And then Pete had that joke about like- Unloading in your throat or something like Charlie. That was funny though. I didn't find it amusing. Well, the joke, the joke was about Tony. It wasn't about Charlie. It was, but I just don't like making jokes about violent, tragic deaths that are so fresh. Bro, you've made so many wild jokes. Not about death. I don't play about death like that. Yeah, but like other topics that are really different. I'm with you. Listen, I'm not in here defending any topic except for death. A week ago. What was it? Give me two. It was so funny, bro. I think I even sent it to you. What was it? There's a guy on Breakfast Club who was like, you know, I was, you know, molested when I was 14 and then you were like, yo, me too. It was like, you were, you were bonding with him and he was like, yeah, it was an older boy in the neighborhood. And then you couldn't help yourself and be like, well, well, well, mine was a girl now. So I got sexually abused when I was eight. Me too. Did you? Yeah. At eight? Eight years old. Wow, bro. Older boy. Yeah. So it was an older teenage boy that lived across the street. It wasn't a boy though. It was an older woman. Understood. That wasn't a joke. But it wasn't a joke. I just had to clear the record. That was not a joke. I didn't want to- Well, the joke is- The joke is, the joke is, you didn't want nobody to think that- I got molested by a guy? That's the joke. Why is that a joke? That's the joke. The joke is that- Why would it be any different? It is different. It is different. Why? Why? It just is. A man touching another little, touching a little boy is different. Why? It just is. Why? Because it's a man. But why? Because there's a lot more layers that come with that type of trauma. Because when you talk to a lot of these guys- Technically a woman has more layers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot more layers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because a lot of these guys, after they get touched by men, they start questioning their sexuality. Right. And they have to live with that throughout life. That's why if you continue to watch the interview, I even ask them, "Did you ever question your sexuality?" Right. Because that's usually what happens when a guy gets touched by a guy. So then having a woman do it confirm your sexuality? Hmm. If I depend, I got bricked up. I think about now, if I could do it again- She was related to you though, right? By marriage. By marriage. By marriage. By marriage. That's kind of like a Hapsburg. See what I'm saying? This is, it's fucked up shit, but it's just- But it's not deaf. I think the point that you're making is, which is kind of interesting, which is like the joke is about people that weren't there. But then again- I just don't understand why you would want to joke. I don't like to joke about nothing I couldn't handle happening to me. But that's your choice. I guess the question is, are you saying nobody should be able to do it, or are you just saying, this is your line- Oh, you can- No, you can- They can do whatever they want. That's fair. They got freedom of speech. That's clear. They just got to deal with all the consequences that come with it. Well, they got to do it. Isn't that what Pete's kind of saying, in a way, is I can handle it? Because you said something that wouldn't happen to you. He's like, I've already been there. I've been through it. Sure. Yeah, I thought the joke was great. Even though I am not the person that's going to joke about somebody deaf, I have no problem with Pete, Cheryl, and Kevin. They're a part of the roast. Right. If they choose to make their life, you know, a fodder- Right. I'm just talking about, if you're sitting at home, why make the joke about George Floyd? Why make the joke about Charlie Kirk? For what? You know what I mean? These people did not sign up for this. There's even like a nuance between those two cases, but- And think about how violent and sudden and tragic those situations are, bro. I know, but like, this is where like, if you can craft the perfect bit, like this bit wasn't, these bits didn't like, these bits didn't make you laugh, but if you can craft the perfect bit. just the most heinous thing that ever happened for comedians not all comedians some comedians you know like doing like very relatable stuff and all that kind of stuff but like there's a version where it takes a lot of skill to execute a joke that is like very different uh delicate you know and or maybe it wasn't intended to be which is how i interpreted it what do you mean i interpreted the charlie kirk joke is a double fuck you like a fuck you to tony and then within the context of a roast but like and also fuck you to charlie kirk's legacy somebody somebody who a lot of people love yeah and then somebody a lot of people fucking didn't fuck with yeah and if you're gonna be fodder in my joke deal with it i'm with you i just don't want the energy of that because the reality of the situation is the people that love him gonna love him same way the people that love george floyd gonna love george floyd but george floyd never set out to be a public figure george floyd was caught up in a but that's but that's even why that's charlie kirk put himself out there but he's very very specific way a public figure to have empathy for your situation but you know what i'm saying like if we walked out here right now we saw some random person you know get their head blown off we'd be like god damn what the fuck was that about i want to be empathetic you don't want that to be you but tragedy plus but that's i think what you're really saying what you're almost like worried that this energy is in the air and it's gonna like catch you up yes what's the thing we always say about charlie kirk whenever somebody brings up charlie kirk they'd be like well charlie died for what he believed in right because didn't he make the statement about you know uh gun gun casualties are just what happens when you have the right to bear arms basically right yeah so we need to be very clear that you're not going to get gun deaths to zero it will not happen you can significantly reduce them you will never live in a society when you have an armed citizenry and you won't have a single gun death that is nonsense it's drivel but i am i i think it's i think it's worth it i think it's worth to have a cost of unfortunately some gun deaths every single year so that we can have the second amendment to protect our other god-given rights that is a prudent deal he's the chicken came home to roost on and i don't want no i don't want that i don't think yeah i mean the pushback i don't want that i don't want that i don't want that i don't want that i don't want that i don't want people killing one another but but if you make a statement like that you have to put yourself in that equation as well yeah and i understand chris's point too which is like charlie chose to be a public figure and he uh chose to sign up for the scrutiny that comes with that not being shot but the commentary about him as a personality and that's we know that very well there are going to be people that say amazing things about us and they're going to be people that say horrible things about us right like and i don't need to be a public i can right now if the news comes in hey man a plane crashed on the way to such and such with a hundred people in there you'd be like who's flying but we all ride planes is what i'm saying yeah but there's no part of you that would like to know i want to know how it happened of course you know what i mean not like we can prevent a plane crash we get in the plane but i would like to know how it happened yeah you know me and and to me it's like uh there's no reason to joke about that situation i don't like joking about violent tragic death because i know that could be any of us and you're allowed to have that opinion and somebody else's triggers might be a different thing they don't like there might be kids somebody else's triggers everybody got their own shit absolutely you know what i mean like to me i think the biggest one that got me was uh just any of the kids stuff and maybe i'm a softy as like an adult you know what i mean but i think there was one about uh draymond's kids or something like that and i was like whoa and i thought draymond handled it really well but like because you love your kids your kids yeah your thumbs through your kids might be the one thing you'd be like all right bro cool out i don't want nobody making jokes about my kids everybody has their own thing and that's and that's fine endless summer escapes start here travel the worlds of netflix irl inspired by fan favorites like stranger things and squid game brave the upside down face off with the front man play leveled up arcade games shop exclusive merch and enjoy themed food and drinks beat the heat play eat and shop on repeat at netflix house at galleria dallas bring your crew and save get your tickets today at netflix.com slash house this episode is brought to you by welch's fruit snacks back to school season can be tough on parents but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be stock up on welch's fruit snacks made with whole fruit and now made with no artificial dyes it's a snack kids already love and one you can feel good about giving them go back to school with welch's fruit snacks now made with no artificial dyes do you feel like this roast was the same like brady's i feel like this one was a bit more going for a shock value over the funny man brady's was shocking yeah brady's was shocking shit i think i think the difference for this roast i would say is that like kevin is a black dude okay so there's probably way more black joe and there's more black people on the show than there's probably way more black people on the show than there's probably way more black people on the show than there's probably way more black people on the show than there's probably way more black people on the show than there's probably so there's way more racial jokes because of it and like the roast a roast at the end of the day does tend to like pull on tons of like stereotypes and these types of things so like you're hearing a lot more of it by proxy of who you know you guys are talking about or who the people are talking about and there might be people on the dais that the people don't really know the people be in the audience so you're really pulling off of visually what you can see and so much of a rose is visually what you can see if you're making fun of rob grimkowski shout out rob but like calling him retarded and doing all these other things it's like or the edelman and these other guys are like the other uh who's the quarterback before tom brady drew bletzer drew bletzer it's just like there's a lot of white guys that you're just making like white guy jokes and obviously that's not going to come across as racially insensitive because a lot of the reaction i've seen online is like how how come all these jokes are are racist and it's like well you have you know a prominent people of color that are going to be on this day is when it comes to chelsea handler they're not going to make fun of her being a white woman they're going to make fun of her being a whore or make fun of her being childless well shane made fun of her being a whore and being zionist and on and on and hanging out with her and she's like oh my god i'm not with epstein hanging out with epstein yeah yeah yeah um yeah man i uh how do they pick the people to be on these roles because that's that's another interesting thing and i guess because i i know kev you know i was just like i wanted it to be more deaf comedy jamish you know what i mean like i feel like there's a lot of different comedians that could have been on that stage that wasn't that could have roasted kev like i don't know where like where did shane come from hart's world where did both from philly oh okay like the pa area imagine like they connected where did tony hinchcliffe come from in the kevin hart world like naeem lynn makes all the sense in the world and he killed it regina hall naeem naeem's was killed it listen everybody that actually knew kev naeem's been a hilarious comic for decades by the way so it's cool by the way very dark humor always has he's been but people that actually knew kev naeem yeah regina hall uh joey um who else was there that that you know actually knew kev i can't think right now but those people actually bodied it i wanted more of that like where does the tony hinchcliffe and all of them come in well i think tony just was he's really known for this he's a big figure he's also big on netflix yeah you know so i think that there's that and he's also like really good at roasting like he's like the way they would have greg giraldi on every roast exactly like you want to have the people that are professionals at that crowd i would never have tony because he's the one that always the problems he's the reason that this shit is getting all the backlash but netflix probably loves that but he also is fucking fantastic at it like objectively speaking i enjoyed it up until that last part because i was like why i was like ah come on though right because you got to read the you got it first of all i don't know why you would want to make that joke but also read the he said chelsea handler you're aging like a vegetable in lizzo's fridge hilarious that shit hilarious regina hall was in the movie one battle after another or as lizzo calls stairs body son just body i know and i know there's fat people out there that's like why don't you have empathy for us y'all i mean i like a good fat joke okay that's not your trigger that's not my but i'm not fat exactly what i'm saying but i just i just death is just something we can't come back from that's that's all and and by the way the the violence the violentness of those deaths yo just you getting old bro that's it you get i've never played with death you getting soft i just can't play with death like that especially in it fresh what did you guys think i've seen a lot of commentary around uh cat williams bit i thought i thought cat was perfect for the rules i think that i would have loved to see cat and mike epps you know come out there that would have been very cool too i wonder if somebody said to me something very interesting though they was like you know when you when you listen to cat um on like uh shannon sharp show and how he talks about the industry yeah and how he talks about the industry and how he talks about the industry and how he talks about those people it was like if if cat if cat really believed that he wouldn't have come out at all you know what i'm saying like why would you want to be at that event i mean because it's a big event and you want to you know but you're the ant but you're the anti-industry guy you're the anti of the kevin hearts and all of those people like that maybe maybe he wanted an opportunity to just shit on this guy he don't like in front of the world well that was i i haven't seen it but that was the commentary that it wasn't jokes it was no it was jokes i saw it it was jokes he he did a great job i think kev handled i mean it was jokes but that don't mean it's not true that's what he didn't find him true you know yeah that don't mean he didn't believe what he said there was a lot of that going on all throughout the night that's the other thing that i'd be thinking about with these bros especially in regard to kev because you can't really do that with tom brady but god damn man when people are saying that your movies suck and you know you take every opportunity and you never say it's not no blah blah kev i don't know if you know people really believe that shit yeah okay like people take the opportunity to really say how they feel what they feel about you under the guise of roast yeah which is why all of that stuff seems even more heinous right well that's you understand what i'm saying i do i do that's why like i'll be honest i i was the the one thing that was a i thought uh kev's contemporaries some of them would be on there you know what i mean that's what i said i wanted it to be more deaf comedy jam it's not like chris rock where was chris rock where was chappelle like duval yeah duval it's a big moment celebrating like an iconic entertainer but like also specifically an iconic black entertainer so there's this version where you go like okay well where are the other contemporaries and like should they pull up for this event in the same way that like if sinatra's getting roasted his whole crew is roasting them you know what i mean like dean martin's gonna be there sammy davis jr is gonna be there like the whole crew is gonna be there rickles is gonna be there and his crew was there like you had the plastic cup boys there but that's why that's why when cheryl underwood went up there it made so much sense it was great killed regina hall killed uh naeem killed uh joey killed like those people kat williams even though you know they don't get they didn't get along they still were considered peers so to speak right yeah yeah so those people were considered peers so to speak right yeah yeah and then maybe that would alleviate a little bit of like some of this conversation about like the racism and the jokes if there were more prominent black entertainers that were clowning i don't know why i know i do know why shane was hosting because he's shane gillis yeah but it made sense as a comic it made sense for netflix but i think at some point netflix has to say all right it's the roast of kevin hart so we got to trust who kev says should be on this stage i would not be surprised if kev wanted shane to do it i'm sure i thought it was the right i'll be honest i thought it was the right choice also for viewership because shane and kev might not have crossover an audience yeah but if you want to bring shane's audience which is massive to kev's audience which is massive and now you get this beautiful cornucopia of everybody watching this thing i ain't mixing the algorithms no more have you not learned that from brilliant idiots we were so fine for years and then y'all found out about what i'm saying why are you telling your friends we've been over here for 13 years millions of listeners minds in our business as soon as our shit start getting another algorithm i know now everybody takes shit out of context i know misconstrues what we said we have a great thing going bro you see what i'm saying we got too famous oh can't get too famous guys but i do agree with you i feel like it should have been more of his contemporaries i think selfishly i would like to see it it would have been fire i just felt like it should have been now the question is do people on kev's level want to sit there and get made fun of and i think what happens people on kev's level yeah like kev is in a very unique situation we're talking about like one of the most famous entertainers alive kevin hark is i mean some people say the most successful comic ever i saw people saying that and it's it's it's debatable but for me it's in the it's in the conversation for sure kev eddie seinfeld seinfeld it's very rare air bro yeah very i'm not talking about who you think is funny i'm just talking about success level yeah like he's had tv movies businesses all these other things it's very rare just operating in the stand-up space it's because that's why i say entertainer yeah because like kev's entertainment career has been so successful it's it's it has an eclipse his stand-up obviously everybody knows him as a stand-up but like when you start doing jumanji's when you start doing these massive franchises that are like international it's a very different ball game the question i have is like other people that are in that rare air eddie murphy ain't sitting on that fucking days for two hours getting made fun of by all these people who you don't know who they are come on bro why never you know what i mean like so so that so that is a tricky thing about the roast which is like getting your colleagues to sit there and just take shots for two and a half hours live live so you can't even trust that even if i told you i'm not gonna make a joke about this and i asked y'all not to don't mean somebody won't slip it in i'm just saying somebody who did that i'm just saying somebody might just put a little extra on it you know what i mean that shit was hilarious i'm fucking crying at that that's all i'm saying i don't know bro so so that's the thing i don't think they will do it and also you got to keep in mind the more famous you are yeah the more you're going to be targeted and the more things people know about you so the jokes will do better you're going to be targeted and the more things people know about you so the jokes will do better So it's like there's certain people in the dais that probably get ignored. Right. Because why why waste three minutes of your set on this person that people might not know or they might know when you could be shooting at the most well-known people on the planet? Yeah. I don't know how many more of these goat roasts y'all going to get, to be honest. You need Tiger Woods. He would never. But he would. But. But if you did Tiger Woods. Phenomenal. By the way, Tiger should do it. Yep. Tiger shit ain't really crazy, OK? He was. I'll do. I would absolutely. I would say Tiger shit ain't crazy. I would. I would do Tiger. He cheated on his wife. He had a drinking problem, a drug problem like that ain't crazy. That's still bothering him to this day. I'm like, there's a lot of material. You're right. But it's infidelity. Yes. It's not like this guy's murdered somebody. It's not like this guy is like, you know, done. Something like horrible to hurt humanity. By the way, you know, it would be. But then you got Asian jokes, black jokes. Oh, that's why he's like he's four people in one. That's hilarious. The whole Asian thing. I guess it's hilarious. Bro, like to me, Tiger. Tiger, if Tiger does, I shut down everything and I and I. But the reason they wouldn't do Tiger, though, was because Tiger won't do it. And but also they don't want to. They wouldn't celebrate. Who is they? Just people like. People would look at him like, why are you celebrating him, even though he's one of the greatest golfers ever? People would celebrate him. And let me tell you, one hundred percent. Tiger has been asked. Oh, he's been asked. It starts with Tiger. Yeah. Oh, before Brady was asked for Tiger. No. Or it starts with Brady and then you go, OK, who you know, Tiger would be. You ask. This is how it works. You know, somebody said this before. Like every movie starts with Tom Hanks. I don't care what movie it is. You ask Tom Hanks if he'll do it and then you ask Leo and then you add. Like, that's how it goes. Right. Every movie starts with Denzel and if he won't do it or he's not interested, you go down the list. So it's Jordan, Tom Brady, Tiger Woods. Those are the people it starts with. Barack, you can't. He can't. But it would be crazy. The only the only problem with Tiger is at the end when he got to deliver his jokes back. It'd be trash as long as you didn't have a drive to the podium. You know, I mean, just make it just make him walk to the podium. Other than that, yes. The roast of Tiger Woods would be phenomenal. Tiger is so competitive, though. He will find a way to be good at it. Yeah, he will be working it out nonstop. Like he'll. These guys are psycho competitors. Who else would be good? Jordan. Jordan would be incredible. I don't know if Jordan would be incredible. He would never do it. Because why would you put yourself in the situation where you're a billionaire? Yeah, he couldn't do it for sure. Oh, they asked Drake. I'm sure all the time. Drake would. Drake would be good. But Drake would be good, but he would never do that. Drake would be phenomenal. But he should be. He jokes around. Drake is actually good at delivering jokes. Yeah, I was like, he is good at it. I've seen him do like a little roast. He was like SNL stuff. He was definitely one of the funniest ones. Drake would be really good when it came to his time. Yeah. Because not only does he have like punchlines in a rap or whatever, but he understands like performing and jokes. Yeah. Time. So it's like. Drake would be good. And you couldn't really play with him. Like, there's certain guys that you're like, OK, they could hit you on shit, but it's not going to be that crazy. Like, like with Tom, we knew that, you know, he was going to say jokes, but it wasn't going to be. But you know what, though? The only reason Drake probably wouldn't be good is because he'd sue if it got too crazy. Like if it got too crazy. Because you know how they come in. If you think Kendrick was coming with the, oh, Drake, you like him young. Too many compliments. They don't go crazy. No, but you know he would. Because you know comedians are going to go crazy. Everything pushing T and Kendrick Lamar. Iceman coming. Iceman coming. Everything Kendrick and pushing T said in their diss records over the years, they're going to do that times 100. Drake can't handle it. He told us that he can't handle it. Most people that make this amount of money. That's why you've got to salute Kev. Nobody that is in Kevin's position in entertainment would do that. Pat Williams should do it, too. I don't know if, like, here's the other thing. I feel like they did want a cat before. It wasn't on. I'm not trying to be critical, but like. When you just come out at the end. Very telling. It's like, it's a fun surprise for everybody, et cetera. But you don't got to sit there and get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you get to come in and just do it, but you don't get to get it. And even worse, he went out and then left. At least Lizzo came out towards the end, but she stayed there and got some jokes. Yeah. But he went out and he left. I disagree, though. Cat not scared. Cat did Wild N' Out, bro. Cat came up in the wild. Cat was a member of Wild N' Out. It's not whether. And comedians. I don't think Cat's scared, by the way. Cat is not scared. Cat can fucking handle himself in any room he goes into. Trust me, especially when it comes to comedy. Like, there's no question about that. What I'm saying is that usually people that are on Kev's level, they're not going to submit themselves to public humiliation for two and a half hours from people they don't even fucking know. Unless it's a humiliation ritual. Unless your contract is up. And so now they got to do this humiliation ritual one last time. What you trying to say, bro? Before you bow out. What you trying to say? I don't know. I'm just repeating what I saw on the internet. I have no idea. About whom? They said this was a humiliation ritual for Kev and his contract was up. I don't fucking know. They never tell us these things. Do you ever notice the internet never goes into details? Can I tell you something? Kev's contract is up. With who? Them. Meek Mill might be on to something, yo. I saw him in a comment. And it was something about, like, the day after the roast, he said, notice how, because there was a blog post about, like, Kevin Hart's production company, like, laying people off. But that came out the day of the roast. The day of the roast. And then Meek was like, notice how all the blog. All the blogs are posting the same story the day of the roast about Kev's company doing bad, whatever. And I think what he was trying to communicate is there is a coordinated effort that he has been in a receiving end of sometimes of these blogs all posting the same stories they're hitting. Oh, well, yeah, that's a fact. I mean, literally, the article came out. That shit is corny, bro. The day they're celebrating you for the roast. And it came out hours before. It came out, like, maybe, maybe, like, three or four hours before. And then the next day, because Kev is still there. There's so much a part of the algorithm, right? Because everybody's talking about the roast. Bloomberg re-pushed it out. So they put it out. Well, to be fair, that was original reporting from Bloomberg. It wasn't a blog. But it came out on that Sunday, though. Well, I think it was in connection to one of the moves around the business. I don't remember. You know, they don't even drop big stories like that on a Sunday, Chris. Like, they're doing it because they know that he's going to be talked about that day. And you can get the most view of the story. But it's just, it's like, I get it. That's your business. And that's how you get it. You got to get clicks and views or whatever. But, like, to me, it's whack. And to even follow up on it from all the blogs is whack. But you need Meek Mill to confirm that, to know that it's coordinated campaigns against people. We've lived it. Yeah, but sometimes when you see it from the outside, you know what I mean? Like, when you're going through it on the inside, you're like, I can't let my ego get ahead. Like, oh, this is a coordinated attack on me, whatever. But then when you see it so blatant, like, you're like, oh, wow, everything's fake on the internet. This is interesting. We've done autopsies. Well, well. Chris, we've been doing stuff like this since 2018. I didn't know that we're sharing with the people, you know, how the sausage is made. I've been got to the root of the matter. Oh, I know. All of this stuff about bots and, you know, fake accounts and coordinated campaigns. Hey, guys. Where did you say most of mine originated from, Chris? USSR or Russia. Hey, guys. It's coming. I thought you told me it was India. India was there. That's where the bot farms are. But, hey, guys, it's coming. Just so you know, it's coming. Oh, it's here. It's here. No, I mean, like, the. The reveal? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, not yet. But, like, you know, slow play. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Let's pay some bills, man. Support comes from Wise, the smart way to manage the currencies you need around the globe. Fed up with losing out to hidden fees when you send money abroad with your everyday bank? Choose the smart way, Wise. You can count on the exchange rate you'd usually find on Google. No unwelcome surprises. Plus, ditch that where's my money feeling. Most transfers arrive in under 20 seconds. Join millions saving billions on hidden fees. Be smart. Get wise. Download the Wise app today. T's and C's apply. My champion. I have sold my chariot on Carvana. T'was a lovely SUV. An inexplicably queenly offer. Tonight, we feast. Church announcements have the car walk off. Yes, man. And this week, we'll be. In Salt Lake City, man. Thank you guys for selling out all the shows. Love Salt Lake. Great comedy scene. And then we got June 5th and 6th. We'll be at Virginia Beach. And then August 8th, I'll be in Halifax, Nova Scotia for the Great Outdoors Festival. And also doing something very cool on June 4th. We got a charity paddle event that we're doing. The Life Paddle Classic with myself and NeuroGum has gotten involved and they're supporting as well. And we're going to be doing a lot of things. And we're going to raise a bunch of money for IVF and people who are financially strapped and are struggling to bring kids into this world. We want to alleviate some of that. that pressure. So, uh, we're going to do with this charity that I've been working with called baby quest. They're absolutely phenomenal. And it's helping people start their families. So 100% of the proceeds from the life paddle classic are all going to baby quest. Um, and, uh, basically what's going to happen is June 4th, we're going to have a paddle tournament. If you want to come check it out, you're more than welcome to come check it out. If you can't, for whatever reason, make sure that you support by buying the, uh, the dad bundle. Okay. They got the dad bundle available at neuro gum right now. They got the energy and focus and they got a little nighttime and sleep and recharge mints as well. So make more, you check that every purchase of the dad bundle will fund the IVF support for families who are otherwise may not be able to afford the treatment. So, uh, this is about community family, giving people a real shot of becoming parents. It's something that's obviously near and dear to my wife and I's hearts. That we were able to bring both of our kids into the world. So if you've guys like support, you can go buy that dad bundle on neuro gums website, or you can come out June 4th to a paddle house in Dumbo, Brooklyn, phenomenal paddle facility here in New York city and, uh, sign up, become part of the tournament and let's go. This could be great. Raise a lot of money and help a lot of people. It'd be awesome if you guys can support. So if you can't be there, go buy some neuro mints, go get that, uh, Andrew Schultz and neuro dad bundle and just help us raise some money for families going through IVF. I am so happy you found a cause, man. Oh man. No, for real. Everybody needs to have a cause that is near and dear to their heart. And it's always best when it's something that, you know, you've had, you've had lived experience. I hear that. Like I, and it happens so organically, right? Like, you know, this is something you actually went through something you experienced and you just talked about it naturally and look at all the beautiful things that came from it. The life special, you know, now you're out here giving back, you know, helping, uh, other people that are going through it. I think that's, that's phenomenal. It is cool, man. Like people actually get to start a family and yes, man, with them with that journey. That's pretty cool. Now, what if, you know, somebody goes through all of this and then they have a child that just becomes a terrible human being in the future? Yo, you know what? I actually thought about that. Think about all the money people spend on IVF and then you just raise a heathen. I thought about that. Like what if they do something horrible and now we're like kind of part of that system. But at the same time, like what if somebody who's on, you know, whatever, you know, has to go to the hospital, they don't have to pay for their treatment because they obviously can't, but they let you keep the receipt. What do you mean? Would I be able to return it? Yeah. Can you return it? Yes. No, but I'm saying like people still got delivered babies, but they can't pay for it. So we're paying for that delivery of those babies and then those people can go out and do horrible things. So we're all kind of responsible in a way. This is more directly responsible for sure. But those, those parents have extra pressure because now we're, and we're implicated. Shit is rough out here, bro. Like what if they do something amazing? What if they saved the world? Now we're part of that process. You won. Yeah. But you always got to look at things from both sides to look at things from both sides. No, I'm just prone to look at things from the negative. So they could become the next school shooter. We don't do IVF for whites. This, this is a, this is a non-white, uh, IVF charities to avoid potential school shooters. No, I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. Everybody can do it. Every type of couple. No, no. I like the DEI IVF. DEI IVF is fire. Y'all don't need any help. DEI IVF is fire. The whites need the help. Listen, DEI IVF is fire. DEI IVF, I like that. DEI IVF is fire. Did you hear the story about how people are dating less? No, you got to go your stuff. You didn't do your church announcements. Oh shit. Uh, Jess Elaria's book, um, available everywhere you buy books. Oh, how deaf do we parent? Shout out Jess, man. Hey, it's salute to my guy, Doug Melville, man. Doug Melville wrote a great article for Forbes, man. Doug is my guy, Doug. Couldn't even, couldn't even big you up, Jess. I tried and then he just pivoted immediately. I'm doing a, I'm doing a her to her. Oh, okay. There's nobody better. Okay. Nobody more self-serving than Jess Elaria. Okay. It don't matter what the topic. She'll bring it back to her. It's about her. Okay. Um, but no, shout, but this is part of it though. Shout out to my guy, Doug Melville. He wrote an article for Forbes called his Charlemagne, the God, the book whisperer, his imprint. I saw this. Best seller say, yes. So I saw this. That is very cool. It's just good recognition. I always appreciate, you know, I appreciate anybody who sees me, you know what I mean? Sees what I'm out here doing. Cause you know, that's, those are things that people don't necessarily pay attention to, which I don't, I don't need the recognition. Yeah. I want the imprint to get the recognition like Privileged Publishing, but thank you. Thank you. And Little John's book is on the way. You could go pre-order that right now. You play a part of curating it, a huge part of curating it. So you deserve credit. Yeah. I mean, listen, you know, these are people who either inspired me in some way, or I can just look at their story and see how it inspires people. Like you can look at a Don Staley and see how her story would inspire people and be like, Don, you need to write a book. Like, you know what I'm saying? Little John, like I grew up off Little John. He provided the soundtrack for so many of our lives, but he's such an interesting individual because the character that Dave Chappelle played, I didn't know Little John back then. Right. But knowing him now. Yeah. The character's perfect. It's identical. That's who he is. Hilarious. I mean, you see it now. We see it, he does meditation albums. Yeah, yeah. He's a fascinating guy. Physically, you see how he looks now. And the name of his book is I Only Shout So You Can Hear Me. Well, make sure you guys go support that. Yeah. Make sure you pre-order that right now. What else we got? But no, did you see this shit about how people are dating less because of the economy? Going out to eat less or dating less? They said dating less because for whatever reason, this generation thinks you have to go somewhere and do something to go on a date. I'll be honest. I have close friends who I know you guys know and- Shout out to Dove. Damn, bro. What? Damn, bro. Shout out to Dove. And he's- Don't blame Dove being cheap on this. Don't you dare try to blame Dove's cheapness on this story. When I was in Denver, one of the shows, there were some deaf people in the audience. So by state law, they bring a sign language interpreter on stage for the whole show. And they got to interpret everything that I say for the whole show. Bro, I got to show you some of this footage. Man, you got to put that shit out, man. I got to show you. Nah, it's great. You was fucking with him? Oh, son. I got it. It was great. Somebody said, we'll probably cut this, but somebody said no bullshit. And then she goes like this for Jew. Why the fuck? That could be Santa Claus. So I was like, I think we're all surprised that that was the choice for Jew. And I go like, I think maybe there's some of us that thought it'd be this or this. And then I go or that. No bullshit. I go, what's Asian? And no bullshit. She goes like this. I go, what the fuck was that? Can't drive? Get the fuck out of here. I said, these deaf motherfuckers are racist, yo. Why didn't she do karate or something? That's what I thought. What the fuck? I mean, that's stereotypical too, but God damn. Bro, it was funny, dude. It was funny. But I think about when I was broke back in the day, right? I was creative. That was the whole beauty of like, you know, growing up. Growing up in the 1900s, man. Like, you know, you write a little letter. Do you like me? He said he doesn't do dinner dates. That's what I was getting at. He doesn't do dinner dates. Because it's like, you go out to dinner, it's 300 fucking dollars. You don't even know if you like each other. It's like, tell me. You know what I did with my wife back in the day? A picnic, bro. Go have a fucking picnic. Wait, why is that? Why are you laughing at me? Go have a picnic. And you from New York. Y'all got Central Park. Exactly. Yo, son. Y'all got that grassy, notice that grassy knoll on the West Side Highway that everybody in sometimes. Or maybe that's Central Park, too. What happened to being creative? That's the gayest shit I ever heard in my entire life. You show up with a wicker basket and a blanket in that motherfucker. No girl is sitting on the ground with you in the park. Yeah, I think they would love that, bro. Fire. Me? Don't suggest picnics. Have a picnic. I've done it. Yeah, but not on a first date, Taylor. Why not? You're going to go on a first date and just sit in the grass. Why not? I like creativity. That's how homeless people do it. No, no, I like-- That's what homeless people do. We want to paycheck away from being homeless. What if we motherfucking government workers who haven't had a check in a while, but y'all feeling you, man? What is creativity? What about coffee? As a picnic, you could do a sip in Paints, Taylor. No, no, coffee's cool. Coffee's cool. Coffee's cool. Go get a drink at a bar. What if I don't like coffee? Drinks are expensive, too. They usually do that, though. But less expensive than a whole dinner, because dinner got drinks, too. Less expensive than a whole dinner, because dinner got drinks, too. That's why you have a picnic. And you go to the store and get you a little bottle of wine or something. Yo, don't do this, man. You drinking? Guys, don't do that. You don't have a picnic. That's a fun thing to do after you know somebody already. But the first date? First date. Nah. Nature. You're around people. Meet me in the park. Meet me in the park. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's what Punjabi MC said, right? Did he say, "Meet me in the park?" Meet me at the corner of the parking lot garage. I don't see nothing wrong with a picnic on a first date. But by the way, here's the thing that we're not talking about: the fact that if a woman actually likes you, she'll go with you anywhere. She don't even matter. Exactly, but you're also freaking the part. How long until y'all do the first date too, though? Because if they're talking on the phone for a couple of weeks and then do the first date, then it's not a problem. Who talks for a few weeks before the first date? No, you got to crack cheeks if you've been talking for a few weeks. By the way, that's the hustle and bustle. If you don't, that's crazy. In this economy, pussy and dick are free. Damn! Damn! They are. Damn! Crazy. But they are. Come over. We got AC. Come over is crazy. Why is that crazy? I'm not going over your house on the first date. You shouldn't, and you're smart. But why not? That's dangerous. That is very dangerous. That's why you got to find safe spaces to be. But why is that dangerous? Because I don't know you. It's the first date. It's more dangerous for me. You're in my house. Nah, I wouldn't even want that. I don't know you. Exactly. I'm taking the risk. So don't do it. Public place, we meet. We go out, we kick it, we have fun. I'm telling you guys, picnic, man. Subway sandwiches, Doritos, you know what I'm saying? Bottles of water. And y'all go out there and talk about how tough life is right now. I'm really not mad at that. I like outdoors. I like walking and everything. Springtime, summertime. I'm going to have to eat something. Take her for a ride on the subway. That's what you're suggesting. No, that's not. The first thing she's going to do is just tell her friends how broke you are. Yeah. And she broke too. That's the first of all. Let's talk about that. They can be broke. They can be broke. They can't. And men, that's where you got to take your power back. They can be broke. Men, take your power back. The same thing that women want from us, we got to want from them. What if we started talking about we don't want no broke-ass woman? We don't want no broke-ass. Yeah, but girls always got $1,000. Why? Girls always got $1,000. Not in this economy. No, in this economy specifically, every girl got $1,000. Not in this economy. Every girl. Nobody got a stack to give, no box in this economy. No, there's guys out there with a stack to give. Get one of these crypto dudes, a tech guy. Yeah, but they got mad girls. So are you happy being just a girl? Are you happy being just a number on the roster? I just said you got $1,000. Every girl got the first $1,000. Damn. Damn. I mean, listen, you could be an eater on a rich man's roster if that's what you want. I just don't know what happened to creativity. What happened to creativity? You girls got like a- Don't put me in that category. You know what? I can tell you what happened to creativity. When women put so much emphasis on guys having money, so guys felt like all I got to do is have the money. Exactly. Forget focusing on being creative. You do what y'all want. I don't need to focus on getting this paper. Exactly. If you guys like fun. If you guys like fucking poets, we'd be writing poetry. Word is born. Y'all like hedge fund managers. I love poetry. Word is born. You like money. And poetry got you to pussy niggas would be out here rhyming their ass off. Women dictate society. Men gravitate towards the things that women want. If women are upset with society, change it. Yes. It's y'all fault. You can fuck society into whatever you want it to be. You want us in skinny jeans? We wear skinny jeans. You want us in baggy jeans? We wear baggy jeans. Apply that to jobs, dude. I got my eyebrows arched back in the day because some women convinced me to do it. But they told me that's what Tupac did. He got his back arched for a guy. They told me that's what Tupac told me to do. That's y'all being dumb. They said Tupac got his eyebrows arched. I said, well, shit, all arched y'all mean it. Let's go. Start fucking teachers. No. I guarantee you these students will get way better grades because all the smart dudes will go and start teaching so they can get laid. If society is fucked up in a free society where women can choose to do whatever they want and they can reward whatever they want, then it's on. It's on women. Put poetry over the paper. That's it. What do you want guys to do? And I'll start being a poet. That's it. I've always said, like, a magic trick and you like my little dad jokes. A magic trick. Abracadabra panties. Disappear. You know. That's fire. I love a magic trick. It has to be a dope ass magic trick. Shout out to P for pulling that rabbit out the hat. Shout out to him. Now we know how you got him. Shout out to P. Shout out to P. Shout out to my man. I got the magic trick. I wish we had that on camera. I do. Shout out to P. It is what it is. All right, shout out to P. You want a good magic trick? Come here. Okay, ready? Come here. You can come here. Ready? Take this. Don't look me in the eyes. You obviously. Okay, right. Take this, right? I want you to. I don't want to say blow on that, but I want you to say abracadabra. Abracadabra. Right? Abracadabra. Am I doing this right? Yeah, you do that. Say abracadabra. Abracadabra. Pound one time. Pound two times. Pound three times. Jesus Christ. Disappear. I knew where it was already. That wasn't a magic trick. Oh, it's in this hand? Yes. Do you think she's three? Oh, shit. You put it somewhere. Can you have me focus on that hand? Go back and sit down, man. That's mine. That's magic. That would be fire. That's magic. I'm going to tell you, it would be fire. Yeah. On his cock. And that's why it would be fire if y'all was actually. No, seriously. If he was actually trying to holler at you and y'all was actually kicking it and been on a few dates and y'all like each other, he makes the ring disappear and you can't find it, but then you find it on his cock. Fire. I'm going to be mad at you. I love this guy. I don't think it would be though. That would be fire. You'd be telling your girls like, oh, he took a ring and he made it disappear. And it reappeared on his cock. I had to fuck him. Can I say something though about the dating scene? Can I just say something real quick? What? Take off your shoe. Which one? Does it matter? Right shoe. Now look in that right shoe. Turn it upside down. Shake it out. There's nothing in here. You dumbass. The way Charlotte does that. That's not how you're going to get the pussy though then. No, that's obviously why I tried to do that. Why not? I was just seeing. Y'all don't see. But wait, can I just say though, the problem too though with dating, like for instance, me and my man, like, we came in with the tension of what we wanted from each other. Yes, you guys were very serious about your relationship. Yeah, but other people, they say they want a serious relationship, but they not willing to take those levels to do it. You're right. Like you and P clearly were soulmates. Y'all had an intention. Y'all know y'all wanted to spend the rest of your life with each other. Most people would be wanting just to fuck. Yeah. If you find that special person that you actually want to be with, you will be intentional about it. Not to divert here, but come over here one last time. Yo. One last time. One last time. One last time. Go. One last time. Come here. Magic might work for real. Magic might be it for real, guys. Magic. Okay. Ready? I want you to say, I want you to put your hands down. Okay. Hold on. Look, I'm not doing anything, right? Okay. Who's behind me? Stay right there. What are you all doing? Stay right there. Hold on. Okay. Was that crazy that it was in your hair the whole time? Yes, it was so crazy. It was so crazy. How did I do that? He did magic to me, girls. How did I do that? Oh, my God. How did I do it? I don't even know how it happened. Can you explain how I did it? I don't know where you were hiding the ring at. Imagine what you would do with a condom. That's why you got to be careful out here with me. There's a lot of magicians. Yeah, that's a fact. But, no, be creative, man. Get back to being creative, yo. Beat the heat. Get your tickets today at netflix.com slash house. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Back to school season can be tough on parents. But choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be. Stock up on Welch's Fruit Snacks. Made with whole fruit. And now made with no artificial dyes. It's a snack kids already love. And one you can feel good about giving them. Go back to school with Welch's Fruit Snacks. Now made with no artificial dyes. Let's do some asking idiots, man. Let's do some asking idiots. I gotta go do Daily Show, man. Oh, you're doing Daily Show? What are you guys talking about? What am I talking about tonight? Tonight I am. I'm telling the GOP to stop being pussy. G-O-P? Yeah, the GOP. To stop being pussy. Say it. Talk to me. What is this, Ed? This will probably. Yeah, this will be out after Daily Show. I'm essentially telling the GOP, let us know in 2028, is it going to be a Democrat versus a Republican or a Democrat versus a King? Ooh. Stop pussyfooting around the whole 2028. We know y'all want Trump to run again. We know y'all, you know, trying to say fuck the Constitution. We see what's happening with the. redistricting. Let's just go ahead and make it happen. that like how could he possibly run again based on popularity like isn't it in the gop's best interest to get this guy the fuck up out of here guys guys guys you think they're gonna get in line with another fucking war for no reason no epstein files if he runs again it doesn't matter democracy as we know it is done it would be a sham election sure sure sure agree agree you get the point i'm trying to make which is like if if you're gonna be king you gotta just be king because if you actually ran who the fuck would support you even in your own party i agree other than the like the die-hard maggot but they're retarded at this point you're retarded like i'm sorry literally permanent war epstein files like this is he literally said this week he doesn't care about america and people's financial situation i saw that shit all he cares about is that iran don't have no nuclear weapons what the fuck since when can a president multitask since when can a president you know make sure iran don't have nuclear weapons but also care about the promise that you said won you the election you told us that you won the election because of one word groceries and you said you was gonna fix the economy on day one i mean how you don't give a fuck about america's financial he can care about iran and gulf but he can't care about iran and and if americans can afford to put food in their mouths nah dude there was an interesting video i saw let me see if i can find this video i want i want to know what you i'm curious to see which one which people in the gop start separating from him so they could start building up the base hasn't the one guy started already jd or rubio no no no uh the senator who's been kind of at the massey massey at the face of the epstein stuff oh is he gonna run well i feel like he's made the most kind of like distinct split so far oh he's been on that ass from the beginning and respect a dude from a senator from south carolina too but one is not enough the one that basically told trump that yo we're not doing this redistricting you can't call me and um tell me what to do what's his name his name is uh but did you see the uh the hearings with the nominees oh that's massey that's shane massey yeah for federal judges other math you talk about when i be with uh roe connor yeah that one yeah but what i'm talking about is they asked i think it was nominees for a federal judge position would they just out now say that trump running for a third term was unconstitutional oh i used that clip i'm using that on the daily show they won't say it he won't even he can't even just say who won't say it it's unconstitutional just say it these are so just say it's unconstitutional because it is it is um i want to know what y'all think it is i find this interesting listen to this soon you guys are all going to see that this has absolutely nothing to do with them worrying about losing their terms they wouldn't be worried about singular seats like south carolina which is already a red state and i highly doubt it's going to change it's not this has everything to do with them trying to get to the meat and potatoes of their plane i mean it's logical thinking you know gerrymandering they're trying to get the seeds because they don't want to lose the midterms very surface level they don't lose no no no listen the real meat and potatoes is them getting two-thirds majority so they can change the constitution that's that's the real i mean guys and the sooner that we realize that the sooner that everybody starts to realize what they're doing then we can figure out what to do next as a whole guys what should i say as a people can i first of all like one terrifying but also how on earth is it possible that the democrats could lose the midterms given unbelievable levels of corruption from the administration and the cronies another war that nobody asked for and nobody understands and nobody supports unless you are have family in iran or you have family in israel those are the only people i've spoken to in america that are like all right this sounds good okay none of the wars that he said are going to stop have been stopped like no and refusal for a single person to get arrested over the epstein files like not the only person that's been arrested over the epstein files outside of epstein files is the president who's dead is is gillane maxwell which is already hilarious that like a woman the one woman involved is the only person in jail right how how can the how can the democratic party not because republicans are going to cheat in a free and fair if it was a free and fair election it wouldn't be closed but but how how do you how do you cheat like how do you convince people that they're doing a good job like what are they delivering on for you what can they hang their hat on that's what i'm trying to understand i'm with you all i'm simply saying is everybody needs to look alive because it's the rigging is clearly happening right now but this is a golden opportunity galvanized support against this why why are you telling me there's a chance that they might win how is there not been but also you know what gerrymandering but listen but what this woman just said is true it ain't about the gerrymandering it's about getting the two-thirds but so they can change the car why are we even talking about two-thirds majority like you should be getting swallowed up in the midterms how did the conversation go from absolute demolishing in the midterms to now they potentially could get a two-thirds majority after the mid like what is happening here if they get to who knows trump administration are handing they're handing america on a silver okay and obviously i agree but what just happened in indiana he picked five you know seven guys five of them won like i mean can you play this this is one of the most extraordinary clips i've ever seen i've seen it let me see it um mr mark is president trump eligible to run for president again in 2028 senator with it without considering all the facts and and looking at everything depending on what the situation is this to me strikes is more of a hypothetical of something that could be it's not a medical has president trump elected president twice president trump has been certified the president of the united states two times is he eligible to run for a third term under our constitution um i would have to to review the all i need to tell you the language of the constitutional amendment that makes it clear that no he is not eligible to arrest third term arrest anybody else brave enough to say that the constitution united states prevents president trump from seeking a third term that guy's an elected official who is that guy that he's uh anybody willing to apply the constitution by its plain language in the 22nd amendment who is he speaking to nobody all right let's move on is this like a nominee republican nominee for a judge federal judge and the guy won't won't say it's unconstitutional around for how can you be a judge if you're not even going to honor the constitution so so to answer your question schultz yeah i don't know i just know everybody needs to look alive you know what i'm saying that's all the i can tell you everybody look alive there's a all there's a clear offensive game plan that has been created need to have a defense that's all i know yo he's giving you the offense and the defense by being historically unpopular like how i don't understand how he's not unpopular if republicans in indiana follow his lead and vote for him people still with him is yeah i don't know if like indiana is the litmus test for the whole what state what state was the guy who won who won the seat he won by like 68 percent of the vote and they oh louisiana where they threw out 45 000 votes they just threw it out like no no we're getting rid of that why i don't know what would their justification be the guy didn't give a justification i mean you can find the clip he basically said it's not my job to explain why he said that right yeah yeah he said that see if you can find that clip hold on i want y'all to know this case hold on 68 of votes seat thrown out damn i knew the dude name too man yes he won 68 calvin duncan that's his name hold on we pull up the story of calvin duncan calvin duncan black man in it was louisiana that's the clip i'm thinking of i'm not sure if it's the name but in louisiana they definitely threw out about 40 000 votes yes calvin duncan a black man and democrat won 68 percent of the vote to become orleans parish clerk of criminal court before he could take office louisiana republicans passed a bill to eliminate the very position he won and the governor signed it into law the people voted he won then the position itself was targeted after the outcome like hey what the are we talking about this happened on may 3rd 2026 a federal judge had to step in and block the law ruling it unconstitutional because the script voters of their choice after the election had already taken place now look at who is making these decisions republicans control about 70 of the louisiana legislator and the overwhelming majority of them are white and the louisiana house out of more than two dozen black legislators only two are republicans the rest of democrats and let's be clear this isn't about who would take over the duties the person is that role is a the person in that role is a black democrat that actually makes the point even clearer this isn't about replacing one person it's about eliminating the position after voters made their decision and then the same people turn around and tell black folks to stop talking about race where are the where is cnn talking about this where is like ms now talking oh this this this clip is everywhere okay this specific one of this yeah the louisiana right now okay everywhere i wouldn't say everywhere chris you love you still love giving mainstream media a lot of credit that they don't i don't i don't watch any mainstream media honestly for the how you know it's everywhere i've seen it in a lot of places that feels like everywhere i was talking about mainstream media like this is what i'm trying this is what i'm trying to say like we can get out there and we can white night about how things are fucked up but when these stories come out and they're not populated through mainstream media they're not populated through cnn they're not popular cbs news ms now axios pbs the hill well yeah chris you know the problem is how they talk about these stories so they'll be like they'll be like can donald trump run for another term is it unconstitutional they got more stories about hassan piker than they do about this well this this is my question slash argument in general i think all the information is very much out there i think for whatever reason it doesn't resonate and i'm i'm being honest i'm feeling fatigue right now like i look at all this stuff and i'm like i don't even know where to start i don't even know what to focus on i don't even know i mean something like this clip is easy to kind of gravitate towards because it's so blatant and there's no room to misinterpret something like that there's no other side of this coin that they're not showing you this is a cinco fan who's just there to do trump's orders you're blatantly saying i refuse to answer whether trump can serve a third term right so maybe everything you know but maybe this one i gravitate towards but you're not even someone running for office you're a judge a judge bound to the constitution the law to the law there's no way to misinterpret what the law is there's no nuance in that you can't run for a fucking third term period by the way this is how you rile people up this is how you radicalize people there's patriots out here that love the motherfucking constitution love it think about what they think about what they when they thought that an election was being stolen what did they do they stormed the motherfucking capital i mean is there any is there any even example in history of a president running for a third term well sure i mean we didn't enact that until fdr he served three terms so fdr it's the last 85 years but well to me my point is like he did three and then it was enacted and then this is current law i believe so got it okay that makes sense so this is the law and you are bound for the law it's unconstitutional it's in the constitution it literally says you can't run you can do two terms that's it let's do some asking this is also a president that was supposed to go to jail and he just took a mug shot and left i don't know what to say whether he's supposed to go to jail taylor's amazing she is she is she is taylor would be like this is also i hate y'all you know what yeah like this is also cereal you pour milk in and eat it with a spoon all right and preferably for breakfast all right what are you talking about i'm just saying like taylor you want to see another manual no leave me alone taylor let's do smash let's do two after nitty because i got the dope they texted me like yo traffic is crazy whatever uh let me see what's corn mix corn mix underscore i said corn mix do you guys think america would benefit from another lockdown no no no yeah no i want another lockdown for you do first of all yeah calm shit down it's too much first of all the economy is already in first of all it's not getting locked down under this administration that's number one but we could have statewide lockdowns like just like last time there wasn't a federal you know shutdown last time but they're not gonna do that but no they're not gonna do that because the economy is already in the toilet and we saw what happened last time last time america shut down for two weeks and needed a bailout okay the richest country in the world the land of milk and honey needed a bailout after two fucking weeks literally if some shit like this happened right now america could get replaced as the superpower in this world might be happening as we speak might be happening they're having a convo about it that's what i'm saying might be happening in beijing right what's happening about in that beijing conversation right now i think trump's going in with very little leverage i think he had a lot of leverage before and he's he spent it all you know yeah obviously i'm focused on taiwan but uh i did talk to a guy who's writes a lot about international relations and i was kind of asking like why aren't they just going to take taiwan during these discussions and he's like actually they can take taiwan anytime they want and what they can take right now that they haven't been able to take before is the type of international prestige america's always enjoyed for the last hundred years as the police the peacemakers the you know china's never enjoyed that reputation america's vacating it right now essentially they don't want that reputation maybe they do if they don't have to pay for it right if they don't have to pay for it but so we'll be the big guys who come in and solve iran we'll be the ones who take the position that the u.s is letting go of right now and then we'll take taiwan five years from now or 10 years from now what's the rush question is the only hope for republicans if they're able to stop the iran war and the ukraine war well i mean i'd stop a war that they started that hasn't moved the needle and you know it's like such a fucking crazy question yes that's the worst part like we don't have to be in this situation we're in this situation oh i know competence gas prices are up because of incompetence like you did something that that no president would do because they're just all smart we're just crawling to get back to the status quo that was in place six months ago it doesn't and we're not even talking about venezuela or any of these other things i mean not all about that shit right that crazy there's no plan there's no fucking plan no yeah so no we would not benefit from another lockdown mind you i'm a cancer i like being home i love it but no we do not need that right now especially not right now oh my god i got a daughter going to college when i got time yeah you know what i mean no you really y'all really don't want to be home like y'all think y'all want to be home if if a lot of people didn't die then your daughter won't go off to college and now you get a few more years with that at home y'all shut up i'm just saying it's what really happened is you paid 90 grand to have her do remote learning from your fucking house if she if she if i gotta pay that much to do goddamn remote learning she gotta go to the briar or something what the fuck i feel like the slowdown would just help mentally i don't think so i think it would drive us even more crazy i really do i think there's more people mentally ill and dealing with mental health issues now than there was during covid and there's also more desperation yes like desperation matched with mental illness and mental health issues is a horrible concoction and and and and if i'm desperate financially i know mad people are home that shit there's probably so much more home invasions well if you know people are home you're not gonna invade why not because they're there that's the they don't you think they care they shoot you want people at work no no no they want they want you right then and there let me tie you up so you can show me where everything's at yes i'm telling you that's where that shit goes down unless you know that unless you know there's some valuables in the house if you know that there's valuables in the house that's different other than that show me i don't need to know where it's safe at because you know the combination open that motherfucker shit can get ugly man what else we got taylor one more yeah let's do one more because i got this ease on down ease on down oh i want to scroll back up what the fuck did that say no you know that's a good question let's end with that that's a good says if you're on deferral who said this who said this uh jonathan williams rosario he said if you're on deferral but allergic to peanuts would you want a peanut butter and jelly to go out on your own terms and think about it you never had a peanut butter and jelly why you heard about pb and j your entire life you never got to bite into one you know you know what i probably would do just give me like three uncrusted i don't even need to make the whole pb and j just give me three uncrustables warm it up just enough let me die a happy day wow you know what i mean let me die a fucking they're not better than the actual peanut butter they not but boy them uncrustables know how to slap when they slap you hear me they will smith with it like they just it's just oh they just uncrustables now there's nothing like some white bread peanut butter and jelly cut in half but boy an uncrustable at the right time yeah man no i want a gourmet peanut butter that's what i'm saying i want the good peanut butter i want the the i want the jam with the seeds a little bit in it like yeah i want a fancy one dude i don't want no jam with the seeds i want my my shit processed no i don't like that i don't like that jam with seeds but wouldn't you rather die by uh lethal injection than by having an allergic reaction to peanuts i've never had an allergic reaction i don't even know but you both of those things could be true like you could eat it right before you go get your lethal injection enjoy it for like 30 seconds low key get the lethal injection then start eating the pb and j and then you realize that man you had something to live for you would have made different decisions in your life if you were able to eat pb and j's what if pb and j means penis blow in job what if it does mean that you know what i'm saying yeah what if so now what if what if you had to go out like that yeah yeah you could eat pb and j but just some guy came in he's like i'm here for the penis blow job i'm here for the penis blow job the best blow job that y'all ever oh my god men yo you're gonna take it though even if it's a guy if you're gonna take it you're on death row you're on death row you're gonna suck one last time respectfully i don't know if i'm going respectfully i don't want to risk it right now okay that's what would i don't know i just don't want to risk it literally go to your grave though no one knows god knows god knows man god's watching i can't add listen i can't add more sins onto the ones i already got allegedly okay and you go to the scripture you're gonna make god watch the whole thing oh my god and then god will be like this is what you was thinking really right when you was about to go this was you right when you was about to meet me here satan you can close the gates you know what i'm saying close the gates and and he'd probably give you to say not because of the gay just because this is what you really thinking about in your last days a goddamn blowjob your last minutes on this earth you want a fucking blowjob i mean you probably would yeah like that that would sound you probably would last meal or last blowjob from a woman no i'm asking what would you take no he's saying that's what a gay guy's last meal is right last meal or a blowjob an ethical blowjob last meal last meal because i did the meal will last longer than the blowjob you also might be too stressed to even get hard i live a little bit longer eating you know blowjob 25 seconds i'm gone all right you know why you got time for that shit man you know what i mean yo take your time take your time no rush man no rush stretch this out as always if you listen to this podcast you think we're smart you think we're intelligent you think we're brilliant you're absolutely right but if you think it's just but if you think we're just a couple idiots who don't know shit you're right too it's the brilliant 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