092. Cort McCown, Brittany Ross, Chris Porter | Fashion

before we start today's show you should know that me and big j are on the road killing it touring all over the country we're actually going to be together tomorrow night one more show for netflix is a joke story wars live at the comedy store midnight on friday may 8th get those tickets it's gonna sell out so make sure they're actually probably already sold out but if you want to see me on the road live i'm going to be on the road in fort myers florida this weekend springfield missouri tulsa oklahoma oklahoma city rosemont illinois and chicago all those are coming up in just in the next few weeks so go to my website lewisofskanks.com grab those tickets and check me out live go to big j comedy.com right now and get tickets for the greatest yapper live tour happening as we speak also stanford connecticut spokane austin comedy mothership all on deck real soon get your tickets now big j comedy.com we'll see you out there fill her up you're listening to the gas digital network ladies and gentlemen it's story wars with the story warriors big j okerson and lewis j gober wow what the hell is up nashville comedy festival we're back we're back uh we're excited we got these amazing foam fingers we've sold two of them to that guy that's it yeah four carrington there we got a couple more five lewis has boxes of these yeah dude but five are already sold dude you're gonna heat that pool this summer i know you're gonna we always ask this of every crowd how many people are familiar with the game story wars in the audience who is not familiar with the game of story wars don't be so proud you piece of shit i'm not fucking losing getting a fight with a soccer mexican i can't tell oh this is my glasses if you're not familiar with the game it's your first time listening at home uh it's very simple we'll explain it once we get you're not familiar with the game it's your first time listening at home it's very simple we'll explain it once we get our amazing esteemed panel to the stage our first contestant tonight a first timer here on story wars he has a special man from kansas also ugly and angry available on amazon prime make some noise for the hilarious chris porter you you chris happy to have you at story wars i know it's a big deal in many comedians careers have you been preparing uh let's see i uh did a show next door and i did comics unleashed because i know they're very similar dan no one knows comics unleashed come on man byron allen the guy's a billionaire this crowd is racist they won't acknowledge a black billionaire our second competitor has a podcast called the full out podcast also making her story wars debut ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for britney ross welcome britney thank you what the fuck was that i don't know is that an ex yeah that's my ex-boyfriend that might be was that dangerous britney happy to have you on the show thank you happy to be here very sweet backstage i've been talking to her i've been sort of trying to feel her out and uh the fuck does that mean how does he feel her up i said feel her out ex-boyfriend yes he could be how do you feel about jamaica how do i how do i feel about jamaica i will say i did get a little bit of a vibe from britney she did yeah like you've never met a girl what where you didn't go we had a little something but i chose to lay back i am the new me this is story wars lewis oh legion of skanks lewis would be finger deep inside of britney right now damn that made the crowd uncomfortable if you're being legion of skanks lewis right now dude you freaked out some of the older people what the hell is that this lady i barely agreed to come and now she's like this is what it is you said this was the other show i don't know then the guys started threatening sexual assault on the audience and i don't know it's not my kind of show our third contestant last but not least has a monthly show called the comedy ramble one of my good buddies make some noise for the hilarious court mccown court what's up my friend also making your story wars debut i am as well yes and my debut on comics unleashed tonight as well so there we go shut up yeah yeah debut my debut on comics unleashed this show's been out since 1997 they just asked me to do it so wow they did take a break from 2001 to like last week yeah court court heard that i'm giving out fingers tonight that's why i just that up okay this crowd is feeling like a wednesday crowd we're gonna rile them the fuck up no we're gonna get them there we're gonna rile them all the way the fuck up uh if you are not familiar with the game story wars it is your first time listening at home it's a very simple game everybody on this panel including lewis and i have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic tonight's topic fashion alex our lovely producer is going to take eight of those stories and read them one at a time at random it'll appear here on this screen if it's your story you're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story if it's not your story it's your job to guess whose story it is every time he gets the story correctly you get two points every time you fool the person on the panel you get one point so when it's your story on that screen that's your opportunity to get the most points possible once you write your answer on the dry erase board and put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand that is it that is your final answer and i'm gonna tell you right now this crowd we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight we have so much fun every time it's it's it's never not a fun show the fuck down the three of you guys you're gonna have so much fun you're you're gonna walk out of here be like wow what a night but here's the thing we don't play for fun jay let them know what we're playing for today every week here on story wars we're playing for a book from the story wars library tonight's winner takes home perfect fit by claire gilmore what's a perfect fit you say well it follows josie a driven girl who spends her 20s building her fashion company when an investor forces her to bring in a consultant she is blindsided to find out it is will grant the twin brother of her former best friend pulling her back into a past she thought she left behind you know we need to start doing that the books need to reflect the topic it's a book about fashion today's topic is fashion what are you looking for more kudos about it why didn't the crowd get the double entendre and they give us little erasers finally usually they give us like an old shitty piece of toilet paper to erase our boards yeah a cocktail napkin why are we treating like jerk-offs everywhere we go it only takes a little bit of time to do that it only takes a little bit of time to do that such a handsome guy but he is i mean so old but you are the most put together person on this stage right now and i will say that that is the vibe of like hey i'm fucking too cool for school my family's a bunch of nerds i'm trying to get some pussy at the mall in the 40s i guess i don't know when it would be but the roaring 40s i i will say i had a very hot mom who like frosted her hair and shit it was like it was but it was kind of it's a lot right it's a lot you don't want to you don't want to walk with it but i wouldn't leave my mom behind in a mall my mom's hot i want you know all her friends to like look at me even though i'm 14 you know and no that wouldn't be me that wouldn't be me no my dad i don't know how he talked so long that i went from going like it's not him to be like maybe it is i think it's court yeah like we're over i definitely think it's court i feel like well i look i don't spend i grew up in oklahoma so we only had one fucking mall and that place was a shithole so i wouldn't go there with my family but i'm looking over here i think britney would be like i think this would be i look like i go to the mall and like i picked the theme of tonight um but i i i did walk close to my mom at the mall because she bought me stuff yeah i needed to see i didn't think of it that way yeah yeah i feel like court court is deflecting he's getting nervous he had three excuses as to why it's not him yeah it's definitely court i gotta say right now i think porter growing up in kansas city a lot of time at the mall he's throwing at the porter chris wasn't embarrassed of his family he was dressed like a fucking black crow in high school for walking around a fucking mall but they didn't say it was high school did they i don't know the story anymore yeah you just said high school so can we get the story back on the screen i did say high school yeah at the mall family said they didn't say it was okay in high school you walked 10 feet in front of your family because you were embarrassed of how they were dressed you know what it could be big jay with his current family now like his children his daughter and his wife because they dress like fucking assholes you're right about that actually good deflection i know yeah i've never it'd be funny to leave your family a wife and kid behind embarrassed the way they're dressed dress better all right if you're gonna dress like our daughter then i'm getting the fuck out i'm gonna be 10 feet ahead of you meet me in the ass scene on tv store look court started just throwing it back at anybody on the heavy panic move uh started to panic i'm gonna get my voting going and court mccown is my first official vote no brainer but it's not somebody wrecked oh chris porter why do you say big jay shit uh he would i don't know i feel like i don't want to be ageist but i don't know how many malls were around when court was of age because malls were like 70s yeah 80s probably well they had the white malls and then the black person malls he was allowed to go to the white person well no the black person mall used to be the white person mall and then the better white person mall opened up he's not wrong once i got an arcade all the white people left white flight they called it i don't know now i don't know how many malls were around i think it might be chris after that you fuck all right everyone's in shit story number one belongs to chris porter what thank you very much thank you very much court why do you act so guilty yes what do i feel guilty i saw that sobriety you do act so my dad used to wear camouflage pants to the mall like army he got them from army surplus and he we would go to the mall and he would only wear them to the mall to be an and i didn't want anything to you know chris that's all of our fans that's all they wear yeah i know like we'll be going to church after them all but yeah i was i'm like you look like a like you're in a like a combine of some sort like you're gonna die like you look like a guy that is has all the guns because he's afraid the government's going to attack at some point and he's going to be able to put up a fight do you think your father tells a story that i would walk 10 feet behind my weirdo son in the mall so nobody thought that a former marine would be walking around with this sissy i had to keep my eyes on him did not serve in the military he was a photo film salesman who just had an ace i used to walk ten feet behind him i walked ten feet behind my gay son just to make sure i always had my eyes on him make sure i'm a colonel in the kiss army i won't be walking around with this ninny all right alex where are points at one story down all right in second place with two points court mccown and in the lead with three points chris porter that's right that's right me and my militia dad all right alex story number two story number two i got a piercing at a tattoo shop when i was 11 years old and stoned well we're going to end up we're going to end up on that end of the table for this one for sure yeah it's just which one and how many there's no this is a girl like this is a girl oh no no no no not with you two here no brittany i think brittany is so tiny when she was 11 she looked like a baby there's no way i was the size of a fetus when i was 11. they don't pierce fetuses it's a girl move though i mean i think i mean i think jay you started you probably started at seven eleven was probably your eighth or ninth piercing but you just started getting stoned for seven eleven is his favorite restaurant you're not wrong they put they have seats there a good one will i think it's a court story just because he's been sober for so long that means he started early oh yeah that's true hard well yeah but not like that early and that hard you know but also when at 11 it's what 1956. so like that was a different time they weren't doing that they weren't doing that they only did like sailor tattoos at the shop yeah hey look jackie robinson we smoked yeah we smoked brown weed back then you didn't get stoned you know we smoked weed but um no i listen to you guys part of the propaganda um i'm thinking down here i think we got to go either jay or lewis on this one for sure i mean i'll tell you right now uh it's widely known i didn't smoke weed until i was 17 years old is that widely known or you're just making saying it's why it is widely is a lot well i mean you know the fans of the show would know that uh that's the truth and jay would know that about me yeah i think that's true about lewis i don't pay attention all the time but lewis will tell you this isn't me because i didn't smoke weed until i was meeting lewis years old yeah it's true i got jay into weed he wasn't an 11 year old he also didn't get piercings until he met me i was the worst that's not true i was the worst influence before i met you but dude i did i control you can we ask can we ask so see i can ask like brittany where were you born and raised she could lie to you though she could lie to me that's all right it's like every other woman why not go ahead you know i was born in alaska oh i feel like they don't do that there i think what are you i feel like that's a place they would definitely do i think no you're all like that's where you end up with like a walrus tooth through your nose yeah smoking on a fishing boat yeah you're 11. i've been to alaska they don't normally let women escape especially the good-looking ones they're like no you are staying and you have three husbands whitney uh whitney well britney uh sorry britney how old were you well i was gonna say the question was britney how old were you when you first smoked weed um in college i smoked weed in college for the first time that's right that's what she lies and tells her parents right there look at this disney face this can we can you admit that the way she said that did kind of seem like she was into me can we admit that we the crowd all saw that just happened she kind of has a tone of her voice that makes me feel like she's into me also am i crazy she's like i don't think this is my story what kind of weird are you not baby's story i think it might be big daddy's story i was just a little girl i couldn't have been stoned he won't yep you're right it was court he grew up in the lawless 20s the roaring 20s dude the cotton club was going strong jazz jazz was making its way onto the scene when court was 11 that was like like people had jobs and families at 11 years old yeah the american dream was still alive people let me tell you something Court had just gotten done working in a coal mine. And I wore a suit and tie every fucking day. It was an honest living. Yeah. I'm going court again. It could be. Oh, man. Yeah, I think Brittany. You're thinking Brittany, Jay. I think it's court. Brittany, were you, did you, you did some child acting? I kind of, I mean, I played a, I did some child acting when I was an adult. Really? Yeah. Now I'm interested. Yes, I played a child when I was an adult. Oh, yeah, here we go. Okay. Keep in mind, don't worry. I'm bad at the game. Why did you think Brittany? After all that, it was so obviously court. I'll tell you why. Because I had to go through like a whole faking a thing to get a, to get a tattoo when I was 17. Like a whole like faking stuff. And so for someone to come in at 11, it's got to be a girl. Fast and loose 11-year-old. I also think you wrote my name in the girliest way possible. Yeah. It's like, it's the only way you can write Brittany. I'm not going to apologize for being an artist. It's true. I'm a left-brainer. The only way to write Brittany is with stars and like. Like you just forgot the heart over there. Yeah, sparkles. All of our answers are in. Two stories down. Alex, whose story? Come on, why are you staring at me, you fucking cunt? Number two. Story number two belongs to Brittany Ross. Oh, wow. Whoa. No way. That Disney vibe is only skin deep. Yep, it's true. You were smoking weed at 11? Okay, I was smoking weed at like 13, but when I got my, I got my belly, my belly button pierced when I was 11, and I was so high on Vicodin, because I had just had wrist surgery the day before. Nice. So my reward for getting my wrist surgery was that I got to get my belly button pierced the next day, because I grew up in Texas, and that's what you do. Wait, you lied about everything? No. You didn't even grow up in Alaska? Guys, I'm a good, no, I was born in Alaska. Okay. But I got out. I got out before they could get me. Is this a guarantee? This is the girl I, this is the kind of girl I grew up with, 11-year-old smoking weed on Vicodin, getting her belly button pierced. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, that was like, yeah, that was like, we brought her to church, first thing on Sunday, man. Yeah. What I never wrapped my brain around was the idea that your parents were like, all right, if you do good, you can get a belly button piercing like a slut. Yeah. No, I don't care if you're a raging whorebag, just get good grades. But my mom gave me a belly button ring with a blistering, blinged out, dangling cross hanging from it to wear around. Oh, nice. Goddamn. Just like Jesus wore it. I bet you and your mom went just like Jesus. That's what Jesus wanted, 11-year-olds. Skipping around. Brittany and her mom used to sneak backstage to Dane Cook concerts when she was younger. Whichever one of us you like more, Dane, we're fine. The other one's cool. Okay, two stories down. Where are our points at? All right. Tied for third place, with two points each, Big Jay Oakerson and Court McCown. You're a player. And tied for first place, with three points each, Chris Porter and Brittany Ross. All right, Story Warriors. Let's take a moment and thank Factor Meals for supporting the show. We love Factor Meals. Designed by dieticians and prepared by real chefs. Ready in just two minutes. There's no planning, no cooking, no nothing. This is an easy way to live life. My son stays with me three days a week. You know, I'll cook for him. But even then, I'm like, you know what? Who has got the time anymore? I order a Factor Meal. They taste great. They're better than I could ever possibly cook. And genuinely, a wide variety with nutrients-dense ingredients. So if you're trying to be healthy, you're trying to have certain dietary restrictions, this is a better way to do it. Why spend all that time at the grocery store and cooking? No, they have ready-to-eat salads now. They're great healthy options when you're in a rush. Two minutes in the microwave, it's that quick. And the food is oddly delicious. I've been Factor for a long time now, and it's a very easy way, as I said, with our schedules, to make something very, very easy, fast, and not order, you know, shitty fast food. That's what's available when we get home. So it's really been a huge, huge, wonderful Factor in my life. Ooh! If you head to factormeals.com slash wars50off, that's W-A-R-Z-5-0-off, and use the code, wars50off, you're going to get 50% off and a free Daily Greens per box. That's pretty great. That's for new subscriptions only, and while supplies last until September 27th, 2026. And then one more time, that's factormeals.com slash wars50off, and use code wars50off for that 50% off and free Daily Greens per box. See website for more details. All right, Story Warriors, let's take a moment to thank PrizePix for supporting the show. PrizePix, what a cool way to enjoy sports. I'm not a sports guy, but I'll tell you right now, I'm enjoying the NBA playoffs because now I can get a little bit of skin in the game. There's no better way to cash in on the action than PrizePix, a preferred partner of the NBA. Every bucket, every dime, and every win means more when you're playing on PrizePix. Genuinely a great way to enjoy the game. It's a game within a game. It's very, very simple. You simply pick two to six players across any sport, and you're playing against their projected stats. That's it. They pick a quarterback, they'll say they're going to score two touchdowns, you're picking more or less than that. Very, very simple. Also, with the NBA playoffs here, you can pick live squares during the NBA playoffs, which can get you a trip for two to the NBA finals. You enter by making a $5 lineup with at least one live player pick during any part of the 2026 NBA playoffs. Right now, if you just download the PrizePix app today and use the code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, you get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5. lineup. It's that easy. It's that great of a deal. That's code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. PrizePix, a preferred partner of the NBA. What's up, Story Warriors? Let's take a second and thank one of our amazing sponsors over here, and that is Ridge. Everybody, you know Ridge about their wallets for years now, but now you can keep all your devices powered on the go with their new Ridge Power Bank. It's a five-in-one power bank that lets you charge anything at any time. MagSafe wireless charging, lightning, and you can charge anything you want. It's got USB-C cables. Ridge has got you covered with all of it, and it holds up to three full phone charges and powers your devices very, very fast. This is so, so helpful on airplanes. We're all scrolling nonstop. That eats up your battery life. If you're using the Gas Digital app, you've got about an hour of phone life left. I'll tell you that much. We've got to fix that. It's genuinely great. You want to make sure that you're on the go. You never run out of power. We're in an industry and in a world where you need your phone constantly, and they're cool-looking. They're available in olive green, base camp orange, and matte black, and they come with free shipping and a 99-day risk-free trial. You've got nothing to lose here. The Ridge Power Bank is the last one you'll ever need. One thing to pack, five ways to power. You can get Ridge's Power Bank at Best Buy or StoryWars fans can save some money. Get 10% off right now. That's the way to get it at Ridge.com. Use the code WARS, W-A-R-Z, at checkout. Once again, that is Ridge.com. Use that promo code WARS, and you're all set for 10% off. All right, where were we? All right. Story number three. Story number three. In elementary school, I wore a Raiders fishnet crop top. I didn't even like the Raiders. Chris Porter. I do look good in a crop top. I'm not going to lie about it. I feel like your dad made you wear it. Oh, you know what? No, no, no. Where are the Raiders? They kept calling me Ponyboy. Is that Oakland? It's Oakland, but that doesn't matter. A fishnet smells a little Puerto Rican. It does. It does. But here's the thing about Louis. Louis wouldn't have done a crop top. Uh. Who fucking said that, you piece of shit? But it's true to remove this guy violently. He said you were fat, dude. It's elementary school. He was probably ripped in elementary school. What? That crop top was ripped. Put it on my little fat ass. Laying across your fucking tum tum. Oh, okay. But also the 80s, everyone wore crop tops. All the dudes. None of us wore crop tops. What are you talking about? I've never attempted crop tops. Watch a breaking video from the 80s. It's all a bunch of dudes in fucking crop tops on cardboard. Yeah, dude, if you're a Paula Abdul backup dancer. Yeah. If you're fucking flying 69 in a bald black guy in a Madonna video. Sure. Sure. Hold on, all right. This slaps, of course. I'm telling you what I'm picturing right now. Who grew up here? You guys have, like, no fucking opinion. Like, your opinion of me is, like, way down here. I went with Britney on that last one. Here's why I think it's you. I'm picturing you. I remember the cool people when I was young. And Court's a little bit older than me. But when I was younger, I remember a cool kid. It was the 80s. A look would be to wear, like, a fucking ripped up, like, it's like a practice kind of fucking thing. And jeans. And it was, like, a cool guy look, almost. Thank you. In the fucking east. It was never a cool guy. Okay. I feel like that's what I just said. Vote for somebody else, dickhead. I'm going to look so awesome in a minute. Court, did you grow up on the west coast? I grew up in Oklahoma. You said Oklahoma already, dude. Open your ears. Yeah, Oklahoma. If I wore a fishnet crop top to elementary school, they would beat me to fucking death. I wouldn't be here right now. I don't give a fuck what team it was. You can wear an OU Sooner fishnet crop top. They'll still kill your ass on the fucking driveway. It's not fishnet. He's calling it fishnet, but it's the. You know what the fuck it is. Practice jersey. But also, didn't the Boz wear a crop top? Brian Bosworth was like the king of the crop top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he also had like the buzzed head. I had a full fucking nice head of hair. Hell yeah, you did. Fell over the back of that Bo Jackson jersey. So, all right. I'm getting Big J. I'm sorry. I'm getting Court McCown or Big J vibes. Now, here's the thing. Let me say this. I know that Big J, he was a fat kid and would never wear a crop top. Except for when you do that the one time and you realize that you could never do it again. Oh, can I tell you something? You might be right. My stepbrothers, former stepbrothers, who I did look up to very much, were very skinny and they wore a half top under a button-down shirt. The same button-down shirt that me, his twin brother, and him all got for Christmas. And then I went home and I was like, I'm going to steal the half top idea. And then I did it. But I never made it out of the house. It was a look in the mirror and be like, yo, this doesn't look like those guys. The only reason I question whether it's Big J is growing up in Philly wearing a Raiders jersey. You get killed. You get killed. Yeah. You know what? I want to be fair always. You wouldn't necessarily get killed because also the 80s, 90s were a time where you could wear any team for stuff. You could wear any team for style. But you're only rooting for the other team. It's got to be a certain player or something. Now, could this be Brittany showing off that sweet little child belly button? I wish. You did have a fierce belly button for a couple years at this point. Yeah. All right. In elementary school. Yeah. I mean, look. And if everyone on the stage, I can see it being Chris Porter. I'm visualizing him in a. But I can see it now. Don't start jerking off. You can. Please don't. I'm going to vote for the third time in a row. Court McCaffrey. Holy shit. It's eventually got to be court. One day it will be him. Yeah. I just see. I can visualize it. I think it's Lewis. You think it's Lewis? I feel like he's getting off easy here. Listen. I will later on when I'm thinking about you. This could be Lewis. This is how we lose friends and sponsors. Everybody's in. All of our answers. We're in. Alex? Story number three belongs to. Lewis J. Coleman. Nice one. Yeah. I knew there was an outside chance. That fish that smelled Puerto Rican. You guys had my number. So this was in the first grade. I didn't give a shit about sports at all. What you got was, for some reason, like if you did good in a test, like what you did. Every week, the teacher, Miss Du Bois, my first grade teacher, would allow you to vote. Du Bois. You didn't learn anything. You didn't learn that now? No, it was Du Bois. D-E-B-O-Y-C-E. That's Du Bois. Can't turkey me. So if you got like a good grade or something like this, once a week, she would let you go pick out a toy from this like toy bin that you got to bring home and keep. They're little kind of shitty toys. Which is her old slutty clothes. Sometimes it was. Sometimes it would be like silly glasses or like a hat. But there was a Raiders. Like you were right. It was like a practice. A practice, fishnet, halftop. And I was like, that's fucking awesome. That's for black kids, you idiot. That is. And I remember I got it home and I put it on and I just wore it around my house. My mother called me a faggot and I never wore it again. You didn't have enough bones to wear that. Did you have on like really short shorts and really high white socks and you were just dancing around the living room? Yeah, okay. Yeah, unless you were wearing your boyfriend's jersey. He's playing tomorrow. Fuck, that was a big swoop. Alex, where are our points at? All right, tied for fourth place with two points each, Louis J. Gomez and Big J. Oakerson. In third place with three points, Chris Porter. What up? In second place with four points, Court McCown. He's coming around. And in the lead with five points, Brittany Ross. Thanks, guys. Holy shit. Girl power. Alex, story number four. Story number four. In high school, I pierced my eyebrow with a rusted safety pin and it got infected. I mean, how? Oh, is this not Louis again? There's no way. This, I would fucking lay my life down. It was Louis. But it can be, let me tell you guys as first-time players, it could be three stories in a row that are Louis. Yeah. It's randomly generated. But, you know, you play the odds and what the fuck, dude? You did this for sure. I did do my own piercings, unquestionably. Not your eyebrow. No, I had my eyebrow pierced. You did it yourself? Yeah. With a rusty safety pin? No. Not with a rusty. I pierced it with a sewing needle and then I put a thing and a hoop in it. Well, we know it's not Brittany because her parents would have taken her to a hospital to have it done correctly. Exactly. And after she got a C on her test, you got a C. Let's go get you another piercing, Brittany. Honey, you're 15. I'm going to take you to my labiaplasty. Yes. Time to trim those beaver lips down. It's time for you to see your father's Prince Albert. You know? I think this has got to be. You graduated the eighth grade. Time for a clit ring. Yeah. How else do you know your parents can't die? Oh my God, straight Cs. I'm going to get you one of those butt plugs with a real jewel on it. Porter, were you punk rock? Were you a little rock and roll in high school? No, I was in the middle of the grunge scene. Huh. Like, yeah, I wore a lot of flannel and large shoes. Shorts, jean shorts. That sounds like a safety pin. That is a safety pin. That's what Scott Weiland died from. This has got Big J. This has got your name all over it. Again, here's the problem with me. And God damn it, I know it about myself. I am all smoke and mirrors. Everything people think I am because of my tattoos and whatever else, it's who I am. No, everyone thinks I'm like, it's like, what, do you listen to heavy metal while you fucking take a shower? I'm like, no, like, yacht rock or maybe just a nice, light 80s soft rock tune. You listen to music while you shower? Sometimes. Sometimes I listen to YouTube videos by people who hate us. Oh, my God. One of those two, though. I get it. But this still says, like, I still think the whole, like, you would have done the piercing. It's high school, little kind of getting in there and the rusted safety pin and, you know, infection, infection for sure. You already said you weren't going to malls because your mom was on heroin? I snuck off and got my ear pierced at an ear piercing place when I was young. I saw you there. And I called. I made a fake note. These dummies did it. It was Philly. And when I got home, my stepfather saw me. He called my mom and she said, that better be out before I get home. And then I had to, like, take it out crazy. That was taking it to a piercing place. So I wouldn't have taken the world. I would have taken it with my own hands what I actually did afterwards when I was getting my mom's old hoop earrings and break the earring part out and squeeze it onto my ear and then be Bon Jovi in the mirror. Fuck you guys. Why didn't you take that ride with me? Man, I thought I was bearing my soul there. I'm still. You guys talked. And that's a lot. That was a lot of this. No, it's Big Jay. I didn't think it was Big Jay until he gave us that whole story about Bon Jovi. It's like, yeah. Oh, and as soon as they asked the question, it was just all, all fire and brimstone from Jay. I was like, it's gotta be Lewis. But can I say this? I don't know that. Big Jay was a wigger. He was not like punk rock. He wasn't. Easy. Only we can say that. An eyebrow piercing when we were in high school was like a heavy metal punk rock type thing, not a wigger from Philly. No, I was crossover enough. I wanted the eyebrow piercing. Three eyes, yeah. Like corn, but. Yeah. I heard it'll make your eyes. Also, No Doubt fans had eyebrow piercings. Let's not act like it was super hardcore. They said it would make your eye droop if you got your eyebrow pierced, and my Judaism made me overrule that. I'm getting Chris Porter vibes. He was grunge in the 90s. I think it's also. All day long, dude. You did it while you were listening to the Pearl Jam albums No One Knows, Vitology. First off, that's a great record. Sure, right? I checked out at Versus. Porter and Jay, all around, Alex, four stories down, whose story is story number one? Story number four. Oh, man, you guys. Story number four. Come on, dude. Also belongs to Louis J. Goodman. Now that's more like it. I'm rooting against you. You're always rooting against me. No, now this is what I am for real. This was maybe the 10th grade. I mean, there's not much more to it. I just wanted to pierce my shit, you know? I've had my lip pierced, my eyebrow, my nipple, and my. Why rusty? It wasn't rusty when I started it. I put it into my eyebrow. What, did your breast milk rust it? No, the wetness from the inside of my eye, the blood. You sweat inside, too? Well, it's like. Damn, you are Puerto Rican. There's blood, and there's, like, goop, and there's weird pus, and that all started to rust. And so it eventually became, like, crusted over with rust, and scab, and I had to, like, fucking pull it out and press it, and it would squirt. Oh, I was understanding. You pierced it with a safety pin and just left a safety pin in there. I left the safety pin in it. Oh! Oh, we're Nashville. We're so cool. We have guns. Everyone relax. He's gotten late since. We believe in Jesus and guns. Fuck. Can't have a little rusted safety pin. Can't have a little rusted safety pin in your face grow up, you pussies. But yeah, yeah, so that, uh. And I did that a few times. I couldn't learn my lesson. I did that maybe three times with the same result every time. No, I would never. Yep. Well, anyway, I've grossed everyone out. I think you disappointed us more than anything. Because he's living with, not dying from sepsis? Well, just the lack of fucking basic human knowledge. I have face tetanus. He's not dying. He's not dying from it. He's living with it. It's like AIDS. Yeah, the second he accepts it is when he dies. Yeah, dude. It's fucking rusted my blood. Dude, I love how you did it once, and then you're like, oh, fucking strike one. Let's go again. We can't lose an eyebrow. That's crazy. Fuck, and I need it. You know what I need? Got gangrene. Took off half a brow. Give me some of them nice, fancy fucking safety clips. Not these cheap ones. They keep getting infected. So, Alex, where are our points at? In last place with two points, Big Jay Ogerson. I got on a plane to come here. I came here on a plane. In fourth place with three points, Chris Porter. Yeah. Number four. In third place with four points, Court McCown. Fucking Lewis. In second place with five points, Brittany Ross. And in the lead with six points, Lewis J. Gomez. I do not want you to take home a perfect fit. Where Josie and Will work closely together, the pressure of saving her company mixes with their complicated history. Their dynamic shifts. From tense and guarded to something more personal. As old wounds and growing attraction collide in a middle of high-stakes decisions. It's real out here. We are halfway through today's show, and it truly is anyone's game at this point. But let's do some real quick plugs with the panel, and then we're going to get into the second half. Court, what are you plugging, my friend? I do a monthly show right next door called, The Comedy Ramble. We do comedy and music together tonight. We had Mr. Chris Porter close it out with some music. We have some of the best musicians in Nashville, and the best comics. We put them all on the same stage. Come to the fucking show. It's great. Hell yeah. Brittany Ross. I just did my Opry debut last night at the Opry, which was really fun. And I'm doing Netflix as a joke in Los Angeles. Very cool. Amazing. I got nothing. I have multiple specials on Amazon Prime that are old, and you can watch them. And then I have a new one coming out, and I don't know when that is, but I did record it a year ago today. So not promising. It came up in your Facebook memories? Yeah, it was like, remember this? I got that special in the case. Remember you shot a special and no one showed up? Yeah. Big J. BigJComedy.com for all my dates. Listen to The Bonfire, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And, of course, Legion of Skanks, the flagship show over here at Gas Digital. And Story Wars is going to be also at Netflix as a joke festival. Yeah, I'm very excited about that. Come see us on the road, guys. LewisofSkanks.com is my website, center for my mailing list. Check out all the other pods. And most importantly, if you love the show, we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show. For subscribers to Gas Digital. GasDigital.com, 10 years now in the making. The home of uncensored and ad-free comedy. If you guys love the show, you can subscribe. Watch it as a pre-release every Monday night before it goes anywhere else. Plus, there's a bunch of episodes that are no longer available on YouTube or anywhere else that they're exclusive for Gas Digital subscribers. GasDigital.com. Use the promo code WAR. Save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly. Now, we've reached the second half of our show. And let me see. Big Jay, you're probably feeling pretty shitty right now. Probably feeling like you're out of this game. But no, this game is very much still in my hands. I still could be taking home this book. Because as we all know, if you know you know, for the second half, we go double points. Oh, no one's over there. It really shines. It's a delight that no one showed up there. It's also, you're trying to throw something that doesn't have much throwability. You gotta whip it like a freak. It really hurts. Those tables are reserved for someone who reserved them and chose not to come. Oh, hell yeah. Look at her. Yay! Look at those. Look at those tittays. Holy shit. She could have. God damn it. Double points. Double points. You don't get to say it. Fuck off. That was good. You know. It was. It was a good joke, but you don't get to trigger double points. You've never won the game. Only story warriors can do that. Thank you. But if you win tonight, you get. Okay. So if I win, you guys will laugh at that later on your fucking way home. Okay? Yeah. They couldn't even process the joke. Okay. Because they, yeah. But I'll tell you, if you win tonight, you become an owner. You're the owner of double points. Right in your fucking face, lady. Catch, idiot. I just sent mine into no man's land. Fucking Fury Road over there. All right. Let's fucking roll. Alex, please. Story number five. Make it be. Story number five. I was a runway model for several years. Yes. I never got with a big agency, so it never went anywhere. Okay. I mean. This is definitely court. This is court. That's what you say right away? For sure. Like, can't you. I was with every big agency in LA year after year after year. It was the cocaine that brought me down. It was never that, you know. Wait. In modeling. Cocaine is what makes you good, right? Yeah, but it makes you a little jittery. You can't really sit still for the camera. You know what I'm saying? A runway model. No, you're a runway model. You're moving. You're on the move. I think this is Brittany all day long. I'm at 5'1". I can't be a runway model. I'm too short. You could be a children's runway model. That is a great argument for why it's not her when I was just like, let's kill some time before we say her. She's 5'1". I don't think she's a runway model. She's very pretty, but I think there's something, too. Wait, you were saying she's not hot enough for a runway model? That's fucked up. No one even thought that until you said that. Yeah, thanks a lot. That was crazy the way you said that. He goes, no, she's fine, but like, you know, runway model, what are we saying? She's very beautiful, but she's not tall enough to be a runway model. Good backpedal. But hold on. But runway model, we might be thinking of it the wrong way. So it could be like runway model, like maybe it was Big Jay and he was modeling as an airplane. Oh. A runway model. I thought you were saying that I would model the clothes. I was about to love the guys who wave fucking things in. It's just me in the, yeah, it's me in the catalog wearing like fucking reflective vests and shit. Big Jay, put your arms out to the sides like an airplane. I want to see you. We're not allowed to vote for ourselves, but I want to vote for me after that, dude. I should have done that. Porter, you're tall, you're handsome. Oh, shit. You're bold or accurate. I mean, you consider height and stuff. I don't really have much to say. It probably is me. I'm fucking hot. Not as fuck. Everyone wants to fuck me. Everyone knows that. Fucking Louis, you believe that Chris could be a runway model before Britney, you piece of shit. Britney is adorable and she was molested when she was a child, so she's got problems. We know this. Also, if you see my legs, they're pretty great. She could have been a runway model for the belly rings. Yeah. That's true. Like she was in some pedophile show. I didn't say that. You said that. I didn't say that. Is there runway modeling beyond fashion modeling? Would that be for like. I don't know. We're idiots. You could have been a runway model in a Texas mall. I was a runway model, so this is not me. When I was very little. When I was like seven or eight years old, I was a runway model. It was in South America. How many years? In South America? Oh, you are talking. It was in Bogota, Colombia. I had a killer career. Those people are short. They try to stay away from the sun. And then I realized I'm too short. But Louis has that hot felon thing. I would have known if Louis did runway modeling. It would have come up. I have to be court. No, it's definitely not me, but I'm going to say I'm going Britney for sure. 100%, no doubt about it. See, I don't like that. It just seems too on the nose. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Does Alex, like, she had the chance to go through to change the world because I'm fuck court. He's a good looking. I'm not like, like if I was going to go that way and I needed a list of dudes, he'd be on it for number one. Thank you very much, Chris. I appreciate that. You're welcome. Uh, I mean, you're welcome. You're welcome. I mean, this, none of this makes sense. You have to be like 5'10", 5'11", to be a runway model. So I'm like quite a bit too short. Not a chance. She, she modeled children's, children's clothes or children's bathing suits. I mean, she did it. She did admit to being a runway model. Yeah, but why would I? Yeah, just throw in you under that. Just like you did with your like bullshit about, you know, like piercing your eye with a thing and then it was you. With your bullshit. Yeah, you fucking liar. That'd be sick. Who do we think it is? What are you thinking, sir? What are you thinking? Me from a different universe? Multiverse me? You're thinking it's Kourt. Why? Because you're attracted to him. Why'd you say no like that? That was a weird way to say no. Hey. It was a slow no. Did he say he liked me? You're saying Kourt as well. Why are you saying, he's got good teeth? He does have good teeth. He's a silver fox, bro. He's got a lot of hair. He already showed us. Dude. He knows how to show off his hair. You know he's plowed it. All right. I'm going with the audience. They're thinking it's Kourt. I'm saying it's Kourt. No, no, no, no, no. Story number five. Oh, no. You were on the runway model. Big Jay Ogerson. Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay. That's a pretty big come up. Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay. It doesn't say. Jay, Jay, Jay. It doesn't say that models would run away from you. What is this story about you being a runway model that no one's ever heard before, Jay? Please enlighten us with this story. That make you feel good? You're currently overweight. My mother. Uh, was a manager for many years. Smalls formal wear, a little tuxedo rental place, and they would do their shows, their fashion shows, and I was in the ring bear tuxedos, and I would go on weekends and fucking model with a little flower girl. Do you have photos of this? Hold on, hold on. That's not a runway model, though. Yes, it is. I walked in a, it was a fashion show. You went to, you did fashion shows. Fashion shows. Fashion shows. For several years. Yeah, but like little, yeah. Little ring bear size. Facts are facts, yo. I got the, I got pictures in my phone to prove it. I a thousand percent have pictures in my phone to prove it. I believe you. Little tuxedo boy. I believe you. I know you do. Ooh, that felt really good. Oh, you make me sick. Oh, boy. Alex, why don't we talk about that swing? In last place with three points. God damn it. Chris Porter. Starting so hot. In fourth place with four points. Court McCown. In third place with five points. Brittany Ross. Going down, going down. In second place with six points. Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with ten points, Big Jay Oakerson. This could be a day. You guys could be here for a monumental evening. The rare, elusive Big Jay Oakerson win. He takes the lead. It's very possible. In round number five. It's very possible. Man, I'd like to thank a few people. I'd like to thank the Lord Christ. Whoever, is there a name for Jew God? Jew God. And of course, most importantly, I want to thank Double Points. I want to thank you guys. You guys are the best. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. But honestly, the big differentiator, which a lot of people are copying this now, is they have two pouches, one for your dick, one for your balls. It keeps everything together but separate. You're never going to look better in a pair of underwear, and you're never going to feel better while wearing your underwear. It's fantastic. Keeping that dick and balls separated is huge for me because they hate each other. It's a real Palestine-Israel situation happening in my pants at all times. So this works out good for me. And they have sizes from extra small to 3XL, and they even now have sports bras and women's underwear. For the ladies or the shims, go to sheathunderwear.com and use the code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, and you're going to get 20% off your first order. Wow. Plus, you get a Sheath Underwear 100% money-back guarantee. There is literally no risk. Give them a shot. See how much your dick and balls are going to appreciate you. I'd say they give you a round of applause, but they're not touching each other. That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code WARS with a Z right now. 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You see, and by the way, I should tell you, I'm enjoying a cup right now as we speak. Oh, wow, dude. You seem so clear-headed and energetic. I'm very clear, but I'm not going to lie. It gets a little dry in there. So the Creamer really can help set things straight in there, I think. This was maybe your greatest business move ever. Well, look, it's a game changer. You can drink it hot, cold. You can put it in a protein shake. However you want to drink it. I wouldn't suggest taking it in your ass, but Jay does it, so who knows if that works. It could work for you. Coffee enemas are actually a thing. I'm still alive. Try the Coffee. The Creamer is a completely different stack, so you can pre-order the Creamer. We're doing this pretty cool thing right now, though. If you guys go to BodyBrainCoffee.com, use the promo code WAR20. WAR20. We're going to give you 20% off a bag of Body Brain Coffee, right? But check this out. If you subscribe to receive it every single month, you're getting 20% off. You're getting free shipping, and we're going to send you a five-pack sample of the Creamer before it is available anywhere else. We're starting our pre-sale on May 4th. The Creamer is going to ship in June. You're going to get it right now. We have it in stock. It's going to be shipped to you right away. So right now, go to BodyBrainCoffee.com. Use that promo code WAR20 for 20% off today. All right. Where were we? Alex. Story number six. Story number six. My mom made me get a haircut before I hosted the fifth-grade talent show. It was so bad that I ran away from home for two days until after the talent show was over. This is Brittany. It's got to be Brittany. No, my mom, like, supported whatever I wanted to do. She didn't make me do things. I believe you. I also don't think your mom would ever make you get a haircut. You've got to cut your hair before a performance. A stage mom would definitely do that. Yeah, I think you've got to. The same mom that's allowing her to get a belly button ring at 11 because she's got a C is definitely making her get a haircut she doesn't want. No, I feel the opposite. I feel like they would make her get whatever haircut she wanted to get. It was a lawless society over there. She was sucking and fucking and everything. But she's also in fifth grade. She didn't say that, but that's in my mind I went there. I mean, the belly button ring says that. She already has a belly button ring at 11. Come on, dude. Yeah, she's fucking. You're definitely fucking chugging balls at 13. I don't know, the fifth grade talent show makes me think Britney. Probably. I think this is Court again. Well, if I made it to fifth grade, that would be something. Yeah, when Court was in the fifth grade, it was one schoolhouse with every grade from kindergarten to eighth grade. Exactly, exactly. It was a different time. His brother's wife died. He had to leave. He had to leave school and take on his family. Did you ever see Deadwood? What shows were you in, Britney? No, my parents would. I'm trying to think if I ever let. My dad was the one that took me to get a haircut, so my mom wouldn't make me get shit. I don't know. You seem into your hair. What's that? You seem into your hair, so I feel like you would be upset if you had to get a haircut. No. I feel like this might be a Jay thing. My mother didn't even see me come do comedy until I was 17 years in. You think she came to my fucking talent show and gave a fuck? This doesn't say she winched. This says she made you get a bad haircut. She wouldn't give a shit. My mom let me get a fucking rat tail and dye it blonde. She was checked out, dude. She was trying to find me a father. Yeah, it also says ran away from home. Jay was not running when he was a kid, did he? I did, but I ran to my mom-mom's house. Oh, yeah, no, I walked to my mom-mom's house. Walked swiftly away from home. I did, and I packed light because I knew it was going to be uphill, most of it. I packed light. Yeah, I think it's Chris. Yeah, I think it's Chris, too. And Chris has short, sleek hair now, but Chris, for a long time, had big, crazy hair. His hair meant something to him. Ooh, that's right. And he did that in rebellion because of his mom and what she did before she eventually shut up everybody at her job. Chris Porter. Yeah. I like the logic, and Big Jay's in the lead right now, so I got to stick with the big man. Chris Porter's my vote. Everyone votes for Chris Porter. Except for Chris Porter. Chris writing Britney. He looks sad. He looks dejected. He's definitely Chris, then. Read the thing. Read the thing. Alex. Story number six belongs to Court McCown. No, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Yeah, I was in fifth grade. I had to host a talent show. My mom took me to get this haircut. The guy gave me one of those stupid fucking bowl cuts, like literally the bowl cut, and it was so bad. I was like, there's no fucking way I'm going to school looking like this. She goes, you're going to school, and you're hosting that show. I was like, fuck off, and I took off for two days, stayed at my buddy Braxton's house in the backyard. First time you do gay stuff. Huh? Second time, but that was like first time with the bowl cut where it felt natural, you know? No doubt. No doubt. Oh, that bowl cut. That's the most standby shit I've ever heard. Wow. This is genuinely anyone's game. We keep on having some sort of swings here. All right, in last place with three points, Chris Porter. In fourth place with five points, Brittany Ross. In third place with six points, Louis J. Gomez. In second place with ten points, Big J. Oakerson. I don't care. It was a good white last. He gives a shit. And in the lead with 12 points, Court McCallum. Yeah, buddy. Anybody's game. Two more stories. Nashville, you guys having a good time? I knew they'd wake up. Then without further ado, Alex, story number seven. Story number seven. I had sex with someone with a surprising tramp stamp. What? I hope it's Brittany. That'd be great. You think it's her mom, and her mom's tramp stamp was her name? Wow. That would be surprising. What? Brittany got a tramp stamp for her christening, actually. When I was born. You sat there so still while the priest dunked your head. Yeah. Yes, of course you can get a clit ring. It's the Lord's now. For First Communion, she was given a nipple piercing. I'm wondering the surprising tramp stamp. Yeah, surprising tramp stamp makes me. Surprising tramp stamp is what is interesting to me here. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's why it seems like it's Brittany, because it's surprising that a man would have one. It wouldn't be surprising for a woman to have one. Unless it said something surprising. What if it just said the N-word? It's also. I would be very surprised. I'd be like, that's surprising. What does the story have to do with fashion? Is the tattoo of Anna Wintour? Anna Wintour? Devil wears Prada? Yeah. Yeah. I think the. I think. Hang on, Lewis. Go ahead. Anna Wintour. If you would please, for a second. Please, sorry. I apologize. Anna, try it on my microphone. Anna Wintour? Your microphone. The funny was taken out of it. Oh, that was the best David's help. Let's turn this to funny. I used to love that. This is awful vague. It could be anyone. And. Because we're all of an age where train. Like, we're all of an age where train. When we were young, tramp stamps were the thing. They were. They're making a way back right now. But I never was surprised. I was never surprised by a tramp stamp. No. I mean, I saw one that a girl had a horseshoe that said, lucky you. And I was like, oh, shit. That's not surprising. It was spelled E-W-E. That was good. That was good. Maybe while she was young, maybe you're right. For her high school graduation, her parents got her a room to have sex with a girl. Or a guy, possibly. That's the thing. Surprising tramp stamp might be because it was a guy who got a funny tramp stamp with his friends. We know people have done that. Yeah, Julian. Yeah, Julian McCullough has a tramp stamp and a belly button thing. Now he's Nate's right-hand man. Julian McCullough has a butterfly tramp stamp. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen. No, it's on his belly button, the butterfly. Yeah. And then. But he's Nate's right-hand man. Make sure you're right to. CBS. I don't know. This is a tough one because there's not a lot of information there. So it could just go. I'm going Britney. That's what I'm saying. It's the only thing that makes sense right now. No, I think it's court. Yeah, you're way off there. I think it's Jay and it was some fucking ugly chick that had a Chinese man in your bathroom. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Pretty girls have liked me. It's a fucking cow. Voting all over the place in round seven. Alex, whose story was story number seven? Story number seven belongs to Brittany Ross. Yes. Damn it. It was the obvious answer. You guys, when I was in college, I had sex with a guy who had a tramp stamp that it was like slightly to the side, but it was the Bible verse. And it said like, like I can, you know, that through Christ all things, something like all things are possible. I don't know. He was just really spreading the word of God every time he bent over, you know? Were you pegging him at the time? No. But he was. He was. He was. He was. He was. He was really out of my league, though. He told me he was out of my league at the time, so. He told you? Yeah, that's how I found out. That's not very fucking Christ-like. Yeah. I mean. That's how you found out that he was out of your league was he told you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He told me. That's some weird fucking dirty talk. Wait, this is when you were in college? You don't deserve me. In Houston. He had a surprising back tattoo that said, lucky you with a horseshoe. Yeah. How hot was this guy that he was out of your league? Because you're hot now, but I'm assuming college. Are you just trying to make up for the fact that you said I'm not in my. No, he. He was very good looking. Really? Do you want to see the tattoo? Yeah. Still wears it with pride. After all the pain it's caused. Alex, seven stories down, where are our points at? Very close game. All right. In last place with three points, Chris Porter. Yeah In fourth place with seven points, Brittany Ross. In third place with 10 points, Louis J. Gomez. That's fine. In second place with 14 points, Big J. Oakerson. And in the lead with 16 points, Court McCown. Yeah, buddy. Oh my God, who takes home perfect fit? Which is both a workplace romance and a story about ambition. It explores burnout, control, and what happens when the life you built to look perfect no longer feels like it fits. One more story. Alex, story number eight. Story number eight. In seventh grade, I climbed the rope in gym, and on the way down, the rope caught my shorts and exposed me to the class. Definitely not J. Definitely not J. You're not wrong about that. That would have had to happen by somebody pantsing me when I was hanging from the gym bar. If this was J., it would be the most mortifying story of his life. Me and Louis both, I know how we feel about our dicks, and if this was a story. And climbing a rope. It would be the worst thing ever. The one thing I can't do is talk about the one thing I would never want to have happen. Happening back to back. This would be the thing where me and Louis, our life was before Christ and after Christ. It would have been before that day. He goes, yeah, I mean, everything was going pretty great until that day my fucking dick came out. I fell down the rope. I mean, I wouldn't even, I can climb the rope so little, like, it wouldn't even, people wouldn't even see it. I'm just at the bottom of the rope. At my bachelor party, a bunch of my friends saw my dick, and I see my life as before and after that. It was delightful. It wasn't even that J. has a small dick. I was nervous. No, that's what it was. J. was embarrassed, and these strippers were trying to pull his dick out, and then his dick started going like, hey, I don't want to be out. It started hiding further and further into his body. And all I was doing is, while they were wrestling, I was thinking, I think I could stop them, but just in case, get hard. And you can't, you can't do both. Your dick does not like to be told what to do. It's this thing right here. And when they got it out, everyone, including the strippers, reacted like, like they just witnessed something terrible happen to somebody. Dude, they got his dick out. They just let me roll around and, like, be on my own, and everyone was like, hey, man. We were all having so much fun. They pulled his dick out. Like, nobody even made fun of him. It was just so sad that we all just, acted like it didn't happen for a few years. It was such an upsetting situation that everybody for a second went, if that was me, I would hope everyone would be cool right now. It was like, I'm not going to be the first asshole to make the joke because. A room full of 50 comedians. Nobody, nobody made fun of him. Dave Mattel, Patrice O'Neal. Nobody made fun of him. We were literally just like, hey, dude, you know what? A Mount Rushmore. Everyone just went dead silent and just let me roll around. And just be a victim for a minute and just get my, collect myself. And that's always one of our best stories is that I went downstairs after that and started hanging out and having a good time. And it was great. And years later on Legion of Skanks, one episode, I was like, you know what's crazy? I always thought that was such a big deal. But, you know, after that happened, I went downstairs and was having drinks and then I came back up. Like, nobody was talking about it. All he goes, oh, no, dude, you were downstairs for a while. Everybody was talking. It's all they would talk about. We talked about it like we had seen like war. We were smoking cigarettes in a circle. Everybody talked about it. Did you see his little kid? Everybody kept talking about not talking about it ever again. All right, guys, let's get it out now because we can't even. We just got erases from our memory, dude. Men in black. So this is how I know. It's not me or Lewis. Not my story. You fucking tiny dick idiot. It's definitely not Lewis. If it's Lewis, I'll kill myself. I'll kill myself. I'll kill myself on stage. This all seems like a lot of diversion. Oh, no, that's just, this is kind of just me and his dynamic. If it's Lewis, if it's fucking Lewis, I'll kill myself. But also, court, like in the 60s, fucking, that's when they climbed ropes. That's when the presidential challenge did mean something. Was it Taft? But he grew up in Kansas and they were in the 60s and the 80s. So, you know, I'm going with Chris Porter. I'm going with Chris Porter on this. I'm going to be Britney. Because what's she going to expose? A tramp stamp, a clit ring, you know, I mean. Why would she be embarrassed at that point? It was a seventh grade. She did have a tribal. Ross, put your snatch away in gym again. Sorry, boys. This stupid rope caught my fucking bloomers again. Why is this so tedious? I know you're looking for a tennis bracelet, but put your clothes on. Let's go. They saw Britney's anal beads that were hanging out of her. Oh, my beads caught the rope threads. Oopsie. Stupid me. Can I get a hundred, please? I mean, look, it's definitely, look, I'm very confident it's not this side of the table. I don't know. You guys had like a. I think it's Chris Porter. I'm going to tell you what, Chris, climbing the rope in gym classes, that's something they make kids. I feel like that in my generation, they stopped making kids do it because it was so difficult to do. They said we were supposed to do it. They don't do it anymore, right? It wasn't that hard. Yeah, that's exactly it. It's Chris. It's Chris because Chris also, he's tall and slim. And no matter, if any of his dick isn't huge, it looks big on his slim, tight body. And for those reasons, I'm saying it is fucking Chris Porter for sure. He could climb the rope. If his dick came out, it wouldn't be a story that would fucking define him like it would us. I do have a nice dick. Who would you put? Everyone put Porter except for Chris. Well, this isn't good. Think outside the box. I have to think outside the box. Follow your heart. Follow your heart. I just feel like there's a lot of fucking. Everyone on that side of the table could climb the rope in gym class. I'm proud of you, son. How old are you, Chris? 47. 47. Damn. So, I mean. As old as you, right? I'm 44. We're similar in age. But I feel like that's right when they started cutting off the climb the rope in gym class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right when your dick popped out. They're like, this is it. This is the last time we're allowing this to happen. Oh, damn, girls. It's happened again. My long, thin, soft penis came out once again. Someone get up here and fucking put this away. Let's see. I mean, here we go. Sorry, number eight belongs to Chris Porter. Fucking, yep. It was the. Tell us about how everyone was in amazement at your dick flapping around, slapping your thighs and belly button. It was like the, you know, late 80s, early 90s. I remember Umbro shorts were like super popular. Not for my size. That's why they made jorts. That's why they made jorts, dog. Well, Umbros and boxers, like, those kind of came at the same time in my age group, so I was wearing both, and I was sliding back down the rope, and it caught the curtain, and my balls came out. And in my head, I'm like, no one's watching me climb the rope, so I just kind of kicked them back, kicked the shorts back to where they needed to be, and finished. The fucking agility of a superhero? You do it with one arm? And I just fucking got my balls back to being covered, and then I walked out, and I looked at the gym teacher, and he was just like, okay. And then I look over at my buddies, and they're all like, what's up, dude? I'm like, fuck. Can I? I don't know. That was crazy. And I can't believe you didn't feel it, too. I have never. I couldn't think of a scenario of pants being pulled down. Or my balls. My balls came out, and my little fucking dork didn't just buzz out with it also. His dick was so big, it was able to stay up in his shit, his fucking fat ball. This story is presented by Sheath Underwear. All right, dude. Okay, Chris, you're the alpha dog here. What do we order on our pizza? You tell us. You make the order, and we're going to see what you like. Wow, what the fuck was that? That was crazy. And then my balls came out. Thank God my dick was tucked way up. And my big dangling fat. And my fat balls, you know, 16, 17. This is nuts. Oh, that bummed me out. Fucking bummed me right out. If my balls and dick came out while I was up there, I would let go of the rope and drop to my death. Oh, I'd rather, yeah. I would see if I could spike my head to the ground. I would see if I could jackknife real quick and go fucking just head right to the fucking hardwood. Yeah, dude. There's no way. Bury me there. Psst. Somebody pull my pants up. Alex, eight stories down. I actually genuinely have no idea who won this. Where are our final points at? All right. In last place, narrowly escaping the lowest score in Story Wars history, with three points, Chris Porter. That's big dick, Chris Porter. He's got a huge cock. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. He's a huge cock. In fourth place, with 11 points, Brittany Ross. Yeah. In third place, with 14 points, Luis J. Gomez. Very respectable score. Second place scored 18 points, and your winner tonight, with 20 points, Court McCowan. I just want to thank all you people. I never could have done it without you guys. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm a happy man now. I'm a happy man. Go on. Say it. Double points! Court McCowan, you now have the forever pleasure of being able to win. Of being able to trigger DP. Not double penetration, but the other one. Hey, you know what? I'm going to treasure this. Double points! Come on! Come on! What an amazing game. Wow, that came right down to the wire. Yeah, send it! I want a big thank you to our amazing fucking lineup here today. Make some noise for Brittany Ross. Of course, Chris Porter. Your newest story warrior, 1-0, Court McCown. Thank you guys for checking out Story Wars. I'm Big Jay Oakerson. I'm Luis J. Gomez. Until next time, peace. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding.