Constance Nunes Is Cooler Than Your Dad! (Rust To Riches)

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It's time. - We'll be right back. - By the learn by doing hands-on training that has placed thousands from coast to coast, Connecticut Schools of Broadcasting. - Yes, the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. Thanks, Mom. Conveniently located in the media capital of the world, Farmington, Connecticut. It's a place where fresh-faced kids and me come to learn the basics of reporting, like how to read. - Back up and deliver and read it. - And how to hold up. - How to hold paper. - See, this hand right here can move, and move copy to the side. - I knew who I wanted for my faculty advisor. - I met with Ms. Brantley in her office to discuss some of the basics of reporting. - Probably the most important thing to keep in mind is pay attention. Listen to what the person is saying. - What about listening? Is that important? - It's probably the most important thing. - What is? - Listening is probably the most important thing. - And most importantly, she taught me a valuable lesson in journalistic detachment. - Is it okay for a reporter to get a little tender? - I think so. - Well, how personal could he get? - Pretty personal. Pretty personal. I mean, there are limits. - Right. What if it got really personal? - Really personal. - Really personal. - Really personal. - Pretty personal. - Really personal. - Really personal. - Really personal. - Pretty much the interview would be over. - Well, it's good that they don't do that then. One last question, is listening important? - But school wasn't all fun and games. Midterms could get pretty stressful for these newcomers. - The mob is estimated at between 40 and 50 people, including what appears to be. - There's one priest. - Nice try, kids. Good effort. - Steven, would you like to give it a try? - I thought I'd give the kids a thrill and show 'em how an old network pro lays one down. - Okay, just take a look at it before you start. - Got it. - You all right? You clear on that? - Got it. - Okay, look it over before you start. - I got it. - Don't rush. - All right. - All right. - The mob is estimated to be between 40 and 50 people. - The mob is estimated to be between 40 and people. The mob is estimated to be between 40 and 50 people, including up here is a priest. - I wanted to come home, John. I hate it here. - But failure is one course they don't teach at old CSB. I struggled back from the brink of defeat. You see, I had something to prove to myself. - The mob is estimated at between 40 and 50 people, including what appears to be at least one priest. - You see, I had something to prove to myself. Then it was time to say goodbye to my old school chums. While I'm not sure what I learned at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting, there is one thing I know for sure, they cashed my check. Folks, as the economy continues to struggle and the Middle East continues to burn, there was big news yesterday out of Washington. - A big day for the Obama girls, their first day at a new school. - Today is their first day of classes. - First day of school in a new place. - The Obama girls are heading to a brand new school in Washington, D.C. - By the way, those SUVs whizzing by had the girls going to school. - Sasha did have her nose pressed a bit wistfully against the glass. - The first day at school is stressful. - I don't think that's first day of school stress. That's, "Mommy, there are so many cameras. "Am I integrating this school?" For God's sakes, James Meredith didn't have that many cameras when he went to Ole Miss. Oh my. Ask your parents. Ah. Now, obviously, this is nothing new. 32 years ago, there was widespread coverage of little Amy Carter's first day of school. It was when the media discovered that you shouldn't poke children with giant metal sticks. Oh, get her! She's getting away! Get her! Get her! Although, in her case, it was necessary. You remember Amy Carter? She was a great kid, but could bite a man's arm off. She had the metal spiky teeth. But of course, the lessons from Carter's time still hold sway. - As far as we're concerned, unless there is a compelling editorial reason, that's the last you'll see of Amy Carter at school on this program. - Well done, and that's pretty much the way we all feel about the Obama daughters. - Thank you, Brian Williams, for showing some restraint, a courtesy from the NBC family, the Obama family. But of course, in all families, there is the douchey uncle. MSNBC. - The Obama kids have just now left the Hay-Adams Hotel a short time ago on the way here to the school. - Michelle Obama escorted her children to their new school this morning. - That's Sasha back there with a backpack on. - Just like most kids going to school. - Isn't that cute? - The backpack way too big for those little bodies. - They're probably talking about, you know, in the cafeteria, do you like Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers? - That blue stuffed animal key chain hanging off her backpack? It's an ugly doll. - An ugly doll. - That seems like an odd name. I'm not sure why you'd call it an ugly-- - Oh my God! Oh! - Yes, apparently the MS in MSNBC stands for all Malia and Sasha. Come on, what's the news value in learning about Sasha's doll? - First kids have long been trendsetters when it comes to toys and other assorted items. When Caroline Kennedy was living in the White House in the 1960s, she had a collection of 75 dolls and puppets. - And then there was the year 1862, and little Willie Lincoln got all America started on the hot new craze, dying of typhoid fever. But even MSNBC has to have its limits. - That's true, more hours. - Don't they? - Check out what they're serving for lunch today. Malia at the upper school can opt for tomato basil soup, various salads, Philly cheesesteaks, right on. - All right, I guess that's a little excessive, but I guess you can excuse a one-day glimpse at the kids' menu. - Tomorrow's menu, a decidedly Mexican flair with nachos, fajitas, tortillas, fiesta rice. - Oh, Betty and Veronica, you disappoint me. I wonder how Betty's hot mom and Jughead handled the Malia and Sasha coverage. - I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with what we just did. - Well, you know-- - I've gotta say that. - While they're out there, we need to just back off. I'm very upset about it personally. If I were Barack Obama, my mother, I would be horrified. Then do something. Guess what? You're Morning Joe. It's your show, dude. For more on the conflicted and media-intense firestorm, we go out to Wyatt Cenac. Wyatt? Yeah, John. I am so tired of these so-called reporters intruding into these little girls' lives, making their every move a living nightmare, and then giving us nothing. They came in a car. They got there at 8. The little one has a backpack. If you're going to sell out every principle you have as a reporter and a human being, give me something I can taste. Who are their crushes? Who are their BFFs? Which Twilight book are they on? How do you feel? How do you find something like that out? You go undercover. 21 Jump Street style. So, uh. So you're, uh. Parker Van Camp. Sidwell Fifth Grader in the house. Party at my place this weekend. And the, uh, beard? You mean my mole? Wyatt, I'm sorry. I'm not sure the information that you're looking for is worth the massive deception that you're perpetrating. I totally agree, John. Yes, uh, Samantha Bee in the, uh. In the Sidwell Friends lunchroom. And if you want the real scoop. Aha, I see. So you actually got a job as a lunch lady to spy on these children. Well, as far as Sidwell knows, I'm not a member of the media. I have committed zero felonies. And I wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. Suckers. I feel very uncomfortable about this. I don't know if this is something that I can. Good for you, John. Well said. Because I share your reluctance. John Oliver. That. John Oliver. Where. What? Where are you? Where am I? Malia's locker, John. Where for the past 30 minutes I have rifled through all of her private belongings. And how do you feel about that, John? I don't really know, John. I've lost the capacity to feel. What did you find? Well, interestingly, a hash pipe and an ugly doll with a bag of black tar heroin stuffed in his head. Really? No, not really. She's a child. I did find a Jonas Brothers trapper keeper, some bubblegum-flavoured lip gloss, and I think some kind of high-end all-weather jacket. But the point is, I might have found something. And isn't that reason enough for me to be here? Pretending to be conflicted, this is John Oliver. Acting horrified about my life choices, this is Samantha Bee. Waiting for John Stewart to sign my permission slip so I can go to the zoo, this park-a-man is here! It's great. Great work, everybody. Great, terrible work. Correcting a noticeable decline in bedroom performance does not have to involve navigating a complex time frame. It's a time-consuming medical bureaucracy. While it's incredibly easy to assume these physical changes are just an inevitable, untreatable consequence of aging, modern telemedicine provides an immediate path to legitimate options. 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I'm in 8th grade. And I'm running for student council president. Strategist John Oliver's first task was picking which candidate to work with. For some advice on how to make his choice, he turned to grizzled 25-year campaign consultant Mark O'Hara. Most consultants, they're concerned about two things and two things only. Winning the campaign and making sure they get paid. Oh, that's great. It's simple. That makes my job a whole lot easier. Lauren, why do you want to be president? Well, I really want to focus on, like, anti-bullying. So, like, it just is completely eliminated from the school. Uh, just said bragging rights. Would you describe yourself as a popular person? Not exactly. Yeah, I would. If you were an animal, Lauren, what animal would you be? A cat. I would probably be a shark. Good answer. What kind of shark? A great white. Great answer. Congratulations, you've got yourself a campaign manager. Great. Hey, Lauren, get out. Get out! It was a perfect match. It shuts the door behind you. We are going to crush her. Crush her. The team went straight to work in a purpose-built war room. Hey, Kyle, you know why I like you? Why? Because part of you frightens me, and that's a good thing. Thanks. With a professional strategist pulling the strings for Kyle, sweet, idealistic young Lauren didn't seem to stand a chance. Until. All aboard! A rival campaign manager showed up. Hey, Jones, what are you doing? With these two hardened operatives set against each other, things were about to get nasty. But where should they begin? We do oppositional research on ourselves so that at least we know in advance what's likely to be coming from the other side. All right, let's pull up your Facebook page here. What's your password? Puppies123. Of course it is. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that? What's that? Oh. Uh, not looking forward to the next "Twilight" movie. Why would you write that? Oh, I saw the part one of, um, the movie and it was awful. You can't have an opinion on that kind of stuff. Who's that? My aunt. Get rid of her. Who's that? Family friend. Get rid of her. Who's that? That's Kyle. The kid you're running against? You can't be friends with him. Okay? All right. Okay, so let me ask you again. Hey, Kyle, you seen "Twilight"? Yeah, I have. What do you think of it? It's great. See? See how easy that was? Yeah. All you had to do was sacrifice something that you fundamentally believe passionately in. Great. With vetting complete, the campaigns needed to decide where to place their focus. Which is more important, image or the content of your message? Image, absolutely. You know, it's not uncommon for a consultant to buy a whole new wardrobe for a candidate, for a consultant to get a candidate a different haircut. Okay. We can do that. You better work. Can you do kind of conservative, but not too conservative, wealthy but not elitist? One, turn to the left. One, now turn to the right. One, sashay, shantay. This feels weird. You look great. There were just 12 days until the most important vote of their 12-year-old lives. Coming up tomorrow on "The Strategists," the campaign intensifies. You listen to me, you. I will down your. You understand me? Previously on "The Strategists," John and Jason each took an eighth-grade presidential candidate and provided them with a modern political campaign. As the frantic first few days of the campaign drew to a close, there were some minor administrative issues to resolve. We've got bills here coming in, clothes, pollsters, my salary, general expenses, you know, but it does come to $5,105.67. Really simple, what's the war chest? Sorry? War chest, money. What funds have we got? I don't have any. You have no money? No. Hey, Carl, do you mind just putting your hands over your ears for a second? Yeah, sure. Yeah, just really tight. There was no money. And as 25-year campaign veteran Marco Herrano's, that's is a problem if you're very very good at raising money you don't really have to be very good at anything else and if you can't raise money you're so Jason and Lauren immediately hit the phones to cold call loved ones and bleed them dry mom it's Lauren we're trying to fundraise for the campaign so we were wondering if we could have a thousand dollars to win quit being so naive we gotta go all right bye meanwhile across town Kyle was across town Kyle was about to entertain his top donors at a private fundraiser okay we got 15 of your key donors out there this is important $5.99 a plate so let's go over what we learned one start off with a joke good two give them some red meat exactly and three don't say go get us paid thank you all for being here if I go to any more of these fundraisers I'm gonna get fat the fundraiser was a huge success but there's always a danger in your mindset becoming too comfortable so look 47% of this school is not gonna vote for me they're layman dweebs and they're addicted to being dweebs have you seen this thing 400 hits already it's blowing up we're not using that probably didn't mean anything of it I mean okay okay stay positive girls have you seen this look at Kyle he's calling you all dweebs negative campaigning works and anybody in my industry who tells you different doesn't know what the they're talking about and thus the negativity began the hostility was threatening to spill over and sadly it did during an appearance the strategists made on the school's top-rated news program hi I'm Nina with WCM s news here with John Oliver and Jason Jones campaign strategist hi Jason how's the campaign going well Nina first of all thank you so much for having me Nina can I just jump in for a second because the toxic tone of this campaign has been a disgrace so far and I don't think I'm the only good friend is clearly demonstrating my good friend that is not reflective of the kind of tone of the campaign that you have been weighting and I really use the word weighting and this school deserves better democracy deserves better every single time Kyle Coleman is Kyle Coleman is a unifying candidate Kyle Coleman is absolutely disgusting this is perfect this is non-engaging in the discussion thank you thank you the tone of this campaign so far well that's all we have time for today thanks for watching and thank you for coming next time on the strategists the attacks get personal Lauren guess what I found boom how do you allow yourself to get a photograph naked in a bathtub I was a baby previously on the strategists Jason and John brought modern political tactics to an eighth grade student council election and were immediately embraced by the children so you like your campaign guy not really kind of mean now with the campaign entering its final days the presidential debate was approaching and as 25-year campaign strategist Mark O'Hara knows you have to be prepared debate is the most formal setting for a candidate's image to be sort of fully realized and so you practice everything we even focus group individual words we find out what words they like and then we find ways to repeat them in meaningful catchy phrases so that they'll stick with them when they go into the polls honor who likes honor leadership nachos yeah what word are we going to use nachos how often are we going to use that word all the time that's right so describe the school using a nacho metaphor nachos the school is like nacho cheese there's warm nourishing and you can't get enough of it I love it as the Perlman campaign seized the momentum Jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give the Zablo campaign a boost I need a big time actor Robert Downey Jr. Christian Bale any superhero would be great oh really you think you'd do it but Tom I was running out because with debate afternoon finally here for the candidates it was game time it is with great pleasure that I introduce Kyle Perlman and Lauren Zablo my name is Lauren Zablo and I am running to be your student council president I've been in student council since sixth grade so I will make every effort to fix what I while Lauren went with substance the Perlman camp took a different approach hello my fellow Americans I'm sorry to see I'm the only one wearing a flagpaint today and I'm sorry to see that I'm the only one wearing a flagpaint today yes now the selection we all know is pretty much a popularity contest use the word nachos in the next sentence for example you could say nachos are popular say God bless America God bless America nachos with his back to the wall it was time for Jason to deploy his celebrity endorsement who here's a fan of Batman and what about Iron Man well how about the Phantom ladies and gentlemen Billy Zay Billy Zay the Phantom this is the most important election of your lifetime and that is why I am throwing my full support behind Lauren Zablo the Woodcliffe middle school class president but an October surprise can quickly turn into an October nightmare so Kyle you want me to say what to Lauren I can't say that she's she's only 30 13 years old means over your head everything's over your head your forefoot do you get your dad to come down here I'll kick his with the debate over it was time for the children to vote and for the strategists to get instant feedback from exit polls 12 days of campaigning thousands of dollars unnecessarily spent all led up to the election to this one moment good afternoon Woodcliffe Lake students and faculty I am proud to make the announcements for the winning student council representatives for your 2012 Woodcliffe Lake middle school president Kyle Perlman yeah I figured hey Billy what do you think about a third grade race in Akron Island Shaka and with that John Jason and Billy Zay are out with that John Jason and Billy Zay are out with that John Jason and Billy Zay are out you he did great he's right yeah go what with that John Jason and Billy Zay are out you he did great he's right yeah go what plans do you have now that you're in office you he did great he's right yeah go what plans do you have now that you're in office actually call I'll jump in and take this John plans do you have now that you're in office actually call I'll jump in and take this John for a start it's President Perlman to you actually call I'll jump in and take this John for a start it's President Perlman to you respect the office president perlman is not taking questions at this time okay you know what let me just take care of this real quick after that display just you might want to sign those guys these are just releases that in any way indemnify the show of physical or emotional damage that were inflicted on you or the school and it's just a pledge to never tell your parents that ever this happened okay thank you both very much Kyle Perlman Lauren Zabala everybody we'll be right back starting a business is a massive milestone but Shopify makes the 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Start your free trial at shopify.com slash daily show. Shop exclusive merch and enjoy themed food and drinks. Beat the heat. Get your tickets today at netflix.com slash house. Now kids, obviously you've heard about the tensions in Syria, Iran, throughout the Middle East, but there is a battle brewing much closer to home. Tonight, the food fight sweeping school cafeterias nationwide. Students who say, healthy lunches now mandated under federal guidelines, are leaving them hungry. Newsflash! Extra, extra! Children think school lunches suck! We now go out to our own Captain Obvious, who has been following this story since schools began serving lunch. All right, what's the point? Problem. Smaller portions, fewer calories, less meat and cheese, and more fruits and vegetables. Some kids are complaining that their lunch doesn't fill them up. The new rules limit elementary schoolers to 650 calories, 700 calories for middle schoolers, and 850 for high schoolers. Extra, extra! School lunches suck! And the portions are too small! So, you hate the food, and you want more of it. But I guess, look, if the government is actually policing students and restricting their caloric intake, that does seem a bit draconian. Despite calorie limits, students can always get seconds of fruits and vegetables. No, sure! Fruits! And vegetables! Like, that counts as food! You know what we called fruits and vegetables in my school? Nerd grenades! And I should know, because I got hit by a lot of nerd grenades! I thought my nickname was Incoming, it was just like, ha! All right, sure! This is only for lunches that are subsidized by the government, and sure, you're allowed unlimited fruits and vegetables, but a third of our kids are overweight or obese, and if this keeps up from the government, we are never getting that above 50 percent! I'm still not clear on why they're hungry. At some schools, the amount of food thrown out in cafeterias is shocking. Kids are now throwing away twice as much food as last year. Hmm. Now, I am obviously not a nutritionist, or an educator, but I think if these kids are hungry, I guess my solution, uh, would be: EAT YOUR MOTHERF*CKING LUNCH! You know who's not hungry? Your old pal, Remy, out in the dumpster! 'Cause you gave him your lunch. So the USDA, which has been setting guidelines for subsidized school lunches for the past, oh, I don't know, SEVENTY YEARS, has, I'm trying to curb what everybody agrees is a childhood obesity problem, changed last year's school lunch menu from cheese pizza, canned pineapple, tater tots, and low-fat chocolate milk into whole wheat cheese pizza, baked sweet potato fries, applesauce, and low-fat milk! Why is this news? New guidelines, thanks to Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama's school lunch calorie limit, Michelle Obama's nutritional school lunches! Oh man. Oh, right, that's right! 'Cause this isn't really about food or kids, it's about big government uber nanny Michelle Obama, who, if she said we need clean air, half the country would demand gills, because FREEDOM! Listen to the complaint: The USDA shouldn't be deciding how many calories we take, or how many calories we expend, during the day. At some point, it's personal responsibility. That's what I'm talking about. This is America, Jack! Just because Uncle Sam's buying me lunch, doesn't mean he can tell me what to eat! By the way, how do you feel about food stamps? The issue is, should you be able to use, should you be allowed to use an EBT card, a food stamp card, at a McDonald's? I'd rather have, you know, my tax dollar going to a family, buying stuff at Costco in bulk, getting a good deal on it. Than going to McDonald's. Right, because this is America, Jack! If Uncle Sam's paying for the meal, Uncle Sam gets to tell you where to eat! Oh! I just forgot! I don't make any sense! The story actually came to light because kind of a funny parody music video, made by some high school students, that even included some much younger students singing along. In Kansas, where they decried the new federal guidelines, and even burned the legislature, kids taking a strong political stand. Pretty, pretty sophisticated stuff. The parody song was actually written by an English teacher at the school. Oh, a teacher wrote a song that the children, including what appear to be elementary school kids, performed against the government. I wonder how Fox is going to take this. And I don't mean they're pundits. I mean they're news people. Cafeteria Revolt. In Kansas, where they decried the new federal guidelines, and even burned the legislature. In Kansas, where they decried the new federal guidelines, to leaner proteins, taking out the saturated fat, the trans, and bringing down the salt levels to see-- - You are a monster! It's not what you do to kids. The food is supposed to be tasty and terrible, and it's supposed to make you fall asleep in Ms. Orman's biology class in fifth period. - Actually, it's supposed to help you learn, not make them fall asleep. - Why would you do that? What's next? You gonna take recess away? - We love recess. - Why don't you take away playing cards in the bathroom for $5 a hand? - This was outrageous. What has Obama's school lunch ever done for anybody? - Childhood obesity will decrease by 2 million kids and will save $800 million in healthcare costs. - That don't even sound like real numbers. Where'd you get that data? - From Harvard. - A dude named Harvard? - Harvard School of Public Health. Harvard University. - Oh, Harvard, Harvard. Okay, okay, my bad. It's just I know a dude named Harvard. He be lying sometimes. And Margot was just getting started. - Three-quarters of the kids who get the school lunch come from low-income, low-income families, and their kids really rely on these meals as an important source of nutrition. - Okay, that's bad. But how much nutrition are they actually losing? - So we have two school lunches. We have a whole grain bun versus a white flour bun. But we have carrots here, and we have salty French fries here, because Trump is letting in more salt than was supposed to be. - Ain't nothing wrong with a couple fries. They potatoes, they grow on the ground just like a damn carrot. - More salt in kids' diets means higher blood pressure in childhood, which leads to hypertension, stroke, heart disease, heart attacks. This really can have a big impact on children's long-term health. - Somebody's gotta go save the kids. If the government is going to keep putting politics before kids' health, then it's up to me to infiltrate every school cafeteria and change their eating habits. Listen up, you maggots! I've been watching you kids secretly. Not watching, like, watching you eat. I've been watching your diet. And I don't like what I've been seeing. So I am here to change your lives. Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. These kids were out of control. Looks like it's time for them to meet Sergeant Tough Love. Hoo-ha-ha. Are you crazy? You know how many kids calories is in that slice of pizza? You don't know. You don't know nothing. Look at me when I'm talking to you. Don't look at me. Think you know everything about nutrition. Not about nutrition. These kids need to be whipped into shape. Applesauce. No good food goes to waste on my watch. This is for your own good. Now everybody come over here and get an applesauce and a carrot. Dip the carrot in the applesauce. These kids were in a food coma. It was time to wake them up. All right, listen up, everybody. I know hamburgers taste good. And pizza and Baconators from Wendy's with extra cheese. I want one right now. That's not the point. The point is this administration is feeding us junk food to keep us lazy, fat, and complacent so that they can get away with whatever they want. So it's time that we show the government we will not go quietly into that tub of butter. Nutrition now. Nutrition tomorrow. Nutrition forever! Now, who's with me? Take a five. Take a five. Take a heavy five. They're throwing their junk food at me. Kept them from eating it. And I've done my job. Mission accomplished. Inspire by fan favorites like Stranger Things and Squid Game. Beat the heat. The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub? Followed by ice cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends, and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better. Food deserves Pepsi. I believe it was Solzhenitsyn who once said, I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Or somebody said that. But what should we teach them, and where should we lead them? Our own Asif Manvi investigates. Young people today are under enormous pressure, and it's easier than ever for them to slip off the rails. In the '70s, the Scared Straight program tried to save troubled teens by putting them face to face with hardened criminals. Today's at-risk youth need a new Scared Straight. I have one person that I want you to meet. This guy is going to melt your brain. TJ, get in here! Hey, how you doing? Okay, he may not look scary, but wait until you hear his story. I screwed my life up going to college. A private institution, didn't research, didn't think when I took loans out. I owe $170,000. That's a lot of money. Yes, TJ was here. He was here to scare kids who were at risk of a college education. Costs are up over 1,000% in the last 30 years. Student debt is at an all-time high, and job prospects are dismal. Career advisor Marty Nemko. For many more people than in decades past, college is the wrong choice. Those who are average students in high school who went into college, they end up doing jobs that they could have done straight out of high school, like selling extended warranties, or they are bartenders. Wow, I always assumed that they had a bartending major. I think that's called English literature. Yeah, English lit slam! Nice, woo! So had our panel given these issues any thought? What are you gonna major in? History. I think sociology. Journalism. Wow, do you have a time machine? 'Cause you're gonna need one to go back in time to when people give about journalism degrees. Looks like these kids needed TJ to put the fear of school in them. I graduated with a degree in illustration. I don't even do it. I don't do art at all. $170,000. That's a house! Illustration is an economically useless degree. I'll be dead before these loans are paid off. Just don't make the mistakes I did. What did you feel like you got out of that? It's clear I shouldn't do anything with illustration. That seems like a bad life choice. That's your takeaway from it? You're getting a photography degree. Two different things, right? Idiots, maybe what these kids need is some professional help. Look right into that camera. What advice would you give to a teenager who's thinking about going to college right now? Think three times. Give equal value to apprenticeships, to taking a break from school. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Can you jazz it up a little bit when you're talking to teenagers? Hey, dude, you know, the college thing, eh, there's something up with that. But is that the whole deal? I'm not so sure. You want to check out the options. Things like, you know, apprenticeships. There are options, dude, our dudette. You know, I have to be honest, you're kind of awesome at that. That's why I do the work I do. I love it. Yeah. This time, mission definitely accomplished. So, who's still going to college? Okay, you know what? Time to give this job to guys who are never went to college, guys with real skills. New Jack, J-Lover, get in here. What's up, Einsteins? Why are you smiling? Get your ass up here. I'll bite your lips off. I'm going to drop a bomb on you. If you hate going to school, college is a lot like school. Student loans are like herpes with compound interest. You make the wrong choice, you're going to have to move back home with mama, boy. If you want to be interesting at parties, you're going to have to change your words. Malcolm Gladwell. You got a college degree in this hand and toilet paper in this hand. You can take two. Two. After two hours of enhanced education techniques, I was hopeful these kids would finally make a smarter choice than going to college. Maybe now I want to intern at a recording studio or somewhere else where I can get some firsthand, hands-on experience. Nice, that was all worth it, to have helped even one young to stay out of school. Oh, and one more thing. Learn Chinese. Just, it'll help. ♪ ♪ There's so much arguing in America today, but we here at The Daily Show think there could be even more. So to do our part, here's Dulcé Sloan with another installment of Prove Me Wrong. You know, it's a special time of year when the crisp is back in the air. Your exes are calling you back. And we have sent those mad-ass kids back in that building. So welcome to Prove Me Wrong, Back to School Edition. These kids ain't that bright anyway. Why keep using your tax dollars to teach these little monsters? Why do you think schools should stop at third grade? What did you learn in the fourth grade that you still use? Cursive? Now how am I going to remember what I learned in the fourth grade? I don't remember what I wore last week. That's what I'm saying. If you can't remember what you learned in the fourth grade, then why did you need to go past the third? Now that's a valid point. Because I can't tell you nothing I learned past third grade. I want you to prove me wrong. Popularity in school does matter. Prove me wrong! I think when you're showered with attention and cuddled too early, like all the people like you, it's not good for your. Development. Now where did you go to school? Uh, in Germany. Germany? Yeah, southern Germany. So you're saying that you shouldn't be popular because the popular kids end up selling schnitzel or some shit. Which is not bad for itself, right? But yeah, I'd say so. There is no reason to teach spelling anymore! Come here! Spelling is so important. Sorry, I don't want to be rude, but I mean spelling is like. You're not being rude, I said prove me wrong and you walked over here. I mean spelling is. It's like, it's the first thing you learn in school. We have all of these computers that tell us, "Hey, the words are spelled wrong." What about the people who aren't as lucky as us who don't have the technology to have autocorrect? They've, you know, maybe they're still writing. I don't know. Like people around the world. I've, I've, yeah, I haven't lived that life, but I know they exist. No, I'm only talking about the, the, the fools here. Okay, so this is, uh, no reason to teach spelling anymore in the U.S. Listen, I'm an American. I don't think about anyone else. Okay. Why would I think this is true? Well, I'm jealous of you. I'm jealous. I, I wish I could just think about myself. Attractive people shouldn't be allowed to be teachers. Prove me wrong! Prove me wrong! Well, I think attractiveness is a very subjective thing. He could be attractive to you and not to me. There's no way we can, like, say ugly people. I don't want to play this game. We know who's ugly. We do this all the time as people. It's like, "Oh, attractiveness is relative." No, it's not. I definitely paid more attention in class when I was an attractive teacher. I agree. I failed math four times. You only get to take it four times. Yeah. You failed it all four times. Yeah. No, I finally passed on the fourth time, actually. But what about all the other math you had to take? I think your counting might be still off, Sam. Had a hot physics teacher. Don't know what physics are. I know biology is his bodies. Chemistry is his, the chemicals. What the hell is physics? Physicals? I think a hot or not teacher doing physics isn't going to help. Well, thank you so much. I think we. I think we've figured out that hot teachers are a detriment to us all. Disagree. Are you a teacher? Really? What school is this? Can I enroll? See, that's my point. You can't have hot teachers. I wouldn't learn shit with him standing in front of me. Did you see them pecks on that man? The disrespect. He should be fired immediately. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central. And stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. Beat the heat. Tammy regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college. That's why she shops at BJ's Wholesale Club, saving up to 25% off grocery store prices. Beef jerky, microwave meals, laundry pods, even they can't screw up. Have you met my kids? And with BJ's Wholesale Club, you can save up to 25% off grocery store prices. And with BJ's Gas, she gets there for less. They call me the road warrior. This is your home, road warrior mom. Home of the save. Join for just $20 at BJs.com/mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. Limited time offer. New members only. BJ's. Home of the save. Home of the save. Home of the save. Home of the save. Home of the save. Open soon. Home of the save. Home of the save. Home of the save. Home of the save. Home of the save. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. like the work mode available on plus and pro plans.