Conflict to Connection

Welcome to the prolific teaching ministry of Pastor Immanuel Irren, lead pastor of celebration church international. It is his vision to partner with you for your progress and joy in the faith. Ready? Set? Grow. Hallelujah. We want to talk about something very important and the title of my church this morning is "Conflicts to Connexion." Can you say "Conflicts to Connexion"? That God can give us such a prolific wisdom such that what the enemy even meant for evil, what others go through and it ends their relationship, breaks their marriage. Even is used as an instrument to instead make you stronger. Conflicts to Connexion. And I want to say this, fast and foremost, this was the hardest thing I had to learn in marriage and that I'm still learning. And let me say this to you, if you can learn this, you're good to go. And I'm going to show you just how important this is in a minute. Please turn your bubbles, provokes the 24th and 3rd. I want you to soak in the essence of what you're about to read. This is serious business. I mean what you're about to read might be the difference between a marriage that is going to make it an marriage that we are not. Everybody with as much conviction as you can master, provokes the 24th and 3rd. One, two, go. Everybody read again, one, two, go. Oh my God, listen. This is through wisdom is a house built. And I know that this is speaking in a more generic context, but I'm telling you this applies to love, relationship and marriage. Through wisdom is a house built. Guess what? Love is not enough to build a home. Did you hear what I said? Love is not enough. It is important, but it's not enough. It did not say true love is a house built. It said through wisdom. And so your honest feeling is not enough. It says and by understanding it is established. It means there is a level of capacity and proficiency that guarantees longevity in your love and relationship. Through wisdom. The reason this is important, I think the first person I heard this from, yes ago was Mounts Moral. At the time he was talking, he had counseled homes for more than 30 years. And he said very funny thing about people who have decided to divorce one another, holding their divorce papers right in their hands. And they would say, you know what? I still love him, but I can't live with him. And it was a condom. The reality that a lot of people do not recognize is that just because you love someone doesn't mean you can live with the person. It takes wisdom. It takes understanding to be able to build a home. Everybody say through wisdom is a house built. Say I'm going to build my house with wisdom. I'm going to establish it with understanding. It simply means there are things to learn. There are things to learn. For honesty is not enough. You must build capacity. Just because you love him, you love her does not mean you can live together. If you're going to learn to live peacefully with someone, it's going to be, it's going to take intentionality. Another very important thing I want to say, and it's important that I profess every other thing I say with this, is that the goal for this teaching is not to put a new image of perfection and expectation of perfection. That's another mistake people make. You know, I told you something very profound last week if you were listening. A man named John Gotham of Gotham Institute, he took several decades to store the several marriages, about 4,000 of them. And he came up with such a dependable scientific and psychological research that empowered him to be able to look at the marriage in a few minutes and tell with 90% accuracy if they're going to make it or not. It took him just a few minutes and haven't gone through about 4,000 marriages with 90% accuracy. At least you can tell he knows what he's saying. But we're going to talk about that later. I said that to say this, he discovered that the difference between happy homes and homes that we're no happy, marriages that will stand the test of times and marriages that will not stand the test of time, was not conflicts. He discovered that happy homes fought also. And about the same things that homes that did not make it through fought about, about money, about, you know, oh my God, I wish I had enough time to talk about that. When they lit more money, came into our marriage, half of the quarrels ended. Hey, God. Yeah, I said, no did I say quarrel, what's your spiritual for quarrel? I mean intense conversations. If you know what I mean. But it's important, the reason I'm saying this is because unintentionally, some of us, our expectations are high. Some of us, our expectations are too low. But I'm dwelling on the other extreme for now. Some of us, our expectations are high. Sometimes marriage no heart, now you define the perfect spouse. It's part of it. There will be misunderstandings. Listen, if you cannot accommodate it, misunderstandings you're not ready. That's the important thing I want you to know. If you cannot accommodate it, I am telling you what I learned and I learned the hard way. Oh my God. And I always listen to me, can I open up to you? So one of the biggest mistakes I made when I was dating is that I compared with my ex just a little bit. Because the person I was dating before, we dated two years and we didn't quarrel once. Yes, not once. Even when we're breaking up, I just don't think it's going to work. Really? And we both cried. Well, we didn't exchange. We didn't. Nothing. Let's move down. I didn't realize that was a toxic treat. But some people, let me tell you something, it's not always toxic. Peace is possible. I listen to me. But there's another extreme. You know, but you know, when I brought it up, you know, PL is always okay. You know, she's your pastor. So she does say, why didn't you marry her? Don't stress me, right? It was so good. Why are you here? There's something I'm going to show you if I have the time. And I must have the time today. I know some of you are judging me in your mind. She'll be going there. Don't worry, there's time today. And that's how that many of us love the way we were brought up. In psychology is called attachment style. That we mirror the relationship between ourselves and our parents. We bring it into our relationship with our spouse. And so I discovered our what they called avoidant attachments. I will show you what that means. And it can be very dangerous. People like me, I'm very dangerous because we don't like to fight. If you cross the line in the friendship, you just discover, I won't talk to you again. I will just draw the line and that's the end. And so what happened was very simple. And this is the first time it's coming out of my mouth. That's how dangerous we can be. I won't complain, I won't fight, we just end it. That's all we move on. It's not you, it's me. So this was what happened. Just imagine. Look at all that God is doing through us by the grace of God. And now move back maybe 15 years. I'm trying to date someone. I have all this vision in my spirit. I d' Cellopholoistik mak without deep God wheilw goeot д'you la wolk nith ni dith ni tu a'u gu Lu' gunia da forming hiere da ya I don't know how I appreciate it. I don't know. But the people back then. The people who will give 5K. 2K. The others have to wait part of it. And then we'll do it in heavy projects. If you know about our ministry, we've always done big things. When I was graduating, we printed 10,000 copies of devotionals and gave it free. Then I've been crazy for a long time you see. And all of that was happening thanks to the love, the faith of partners and all of that. And now I'm dating someone who had never given a donation to the fellowship. I'm not materialistic. The fellowship has always had money. I have a grace by the grace of God. Check the history of this ministry. We've never lacked. I just told you, as an undergraduate, we printed 10,000 copies and gave it our free. So we always had money. But I just quietly wanted that. Like, what is going on? But I had not learned to talk things through. I didn't bring it up. I just kept wondering. And so one day, I wanted to bring it up stylishly. I didn't know how to. So I just said, you know what? We have a project we want to do for the church. Can you loan me 15,000? We didn't need 15,000. I'm telling you, those of you who are aware, we printed devotionals every month. And it cost at least 600,000. And we did it every month without fail. And then she borrowed me the money. And then she, you know, I just kept it or something. And then months after. Honestly, in my mind, I had some respite that I will. At least you could part with money. It's not as bad as I thought. Then months after she came to see me and we're talking and then we're already going and she said, "He'll help." About that money. That I borrowed it. So I said, "Okay." And so I went package the money in an envelope. And I know that envelope was letter. I've changed. If you like, don't judge. I'm not doing again. Look at the way some of you are judging me. You don't understand. Some of you don't understand visionaries. I'm not, I'm not trying to excuse it, but you don't understand visionaries. How could you not see it? How could you not be? I'm not talking about a large amount. I'm not once. Let's be a part of this. If it was, okay, give me the money back. But you know, take 2k. Just add to this. Not once. The approach was wrong. You understand? I was in a school that didn't use phones. So maybe she thought, "I got the money explaining to sound worse." So she must have thought it was a love letter. On the way in the bus, just go to the monitor. She tried to call me. We don't have phone. The reason I'm telling you this, listen. Now imagine bringing that attitude into marriage. You get what I'm saying. You don't want to talk things through. I told you last week, there's a reason we met Nug. You can be so poor at communication that they want any reaction. Bad old good. Just react. Just show that you are alive in this relationship. I'll take anything. Let me tell you something. To many ladies, anger is reassuring. It means you can. Some of you know what I'm saying. Women, if you have, I'm not saying if you're like that. If you have a clue what I'm saying. You don't have to raise the top tank. I'll take it. I'm not just the stonewalling. You know, there's a space for that sometimes. If tempas are just high, you might want to take some time off. But listen, there are four things that that psychology said the moment he sees, he knows that this marriage you know make it. In fact, not only does he know the marriage you know make it. He has a timeline. They won't make it past 12 years. Predictively, the four things are criticism. Always criticizing. Some people don't know how to have a dialogue without criticizing. Wind blows a cop falls down. Why you so careless? Wind blew. They cannot separate the incidents from the person. The most ugly bells. You always be careful of labels like that. You always criticism. Number two, defensiveness. Defensiveness. Can I tell you something? It's been proven the leading cause of divorce. It's been proven scientifically, psychologically, that the leading cause of divorce is on meds expectation. I kept expecting you to make these adjustments. I kept trying to tell you. You didn't even try. You didn't even listen to me. So I began to stonewall and there was no improvement until everything fell apart. I am telling you that communication will be the difference between the marriage that makes it and the marriage that does not. What did I say is number one, please? What is number two? All right. Number three, contempt. Contempt. I think I talked about that last week. Number four, stonewalling. Stonewalling. All right. Where there is just a wall. Married but single. Very dangerous thing. But like I said, this man also discovered that when the ratio of the good in the marriage is greater than the ratio of the bad, they will still make it. If it is five to one, you're going to make it. And that marriage is that dwell on the negatives. So, oh my God. Please, can I talk to you? I was trying to talk about this last week. But you don't understand how important this is. Now, this is what the Bible says. It says, walk in the spirits. You know the text, don't you? And you shall not fulfill the loss of the flesh. Some of you don't understand how profound that is. That if I find a walk of the flesh in my life, there are two things that I can try to do. I can try to defeat that habit, which is not wrong. But there is a more excellent way. So, I'm now I'm seeing a walk of the flesh in my life. But it says, if I walk in the spirits, walking in the spirit doesn't have to be the direct opposite of what I'm doing in the flesh. It just has to be a walk in the spirits that the positive will outweigh an eventually concatenate negative. That's so for instance, someone is battling lusts. But as long as he continues to walk in love, walk in peace, have a prayer life, have a story life. Even if what he's studying is not directly addressing lust, lust will begin to win. Did you hear what I just said? That all the fruits of the spirits are connected and all the fruits of the flesh are connected. Your phone addiction might be feeding your pornography addiction. [Ambient] Pueba yaw dine wuja, dine hodatana, gide dine hodatana. Pueba yaw dine wuja, dine hodatana. Yeh, hodatana. Yeh, hodatana. Tehina wuja. Hodatana. Hodatana. CRISnes Yasniqat expose Strangit mat sacrifice Smiling intoice Sobbing Digit St focus An idea Digit Just make up your mind I won't dwell on the negatives And that no matter how bad things get I will keep investing in things that can save the marriage Amen somebody You know last week single people were saying "I dwell on only on marriage Don't you understand this message is primarily for you?" For people who are married It's going to take the grace of God Maybe you are too late in some areas Is you I'm talking to? You're the one who needs to lend this now And so you need to Approach the subject of communication with understanding There has to be a curiosity You have to be curious How can I understand this person? On the raviou this person This mystery of his spouse Especially I say "Gah you want to understand the woman" "You're gonna have to walk" "Women is a language don't you understand?" "It's a language" "You have to understand your communication" "No to understand We take experience you will get better You will never really understand this It's like God But you will get better If you are out And the woman is hungry She won't tell you can we go to a restaurant She will say "Are you hungry?" Because the way to get you to take her out Is to best convince you you are hungry Then when you are hungry It will not be your idea for both of us to go out You have to learn to speak I say "Women is a language" You learn it with efforts And God does have the sense of humor He made us so different and we must walk together I was really a psychological reporter and I was laughing Who did my stomach? According to the psychological reports A lot of women When this place they are in is disorganized Their stress level rises They can't deal with the clutter They can't deal with it They can't deal with it But the average guy can sit in a refuse door And be watching football like this Again It's not stressed by it This is the funny part Guess what makes him stressed Asking him to clean up Is the opposite that makes him stressed Now those two people will now come together As a couple As the man is entering the house "Oh, how are you wanting?" He drops his bag in the pallet He removes his jacket, hangs it on the railing As he is going He is removing his tie You know what was happening? Just my illustration A woman is crunching Dropping it like this If you see what I went through today I do most deal with that You must deal with that Two simple things I want to tell you about Learning about communication Number one is that we are different Which is the point I just made You must understand we are different Women are wired differently Men are wired differently What I just said is the real reason A lot of times we just quarrel Because you expect a man to act like a woman You expect a woman to act like a man There are some things you see Some things are not as obvious as you think they should be You are thinking like a woman And you expect us to understand Now you are angry about something You just carry your face like "Hmm, to this Are you sure you are okay? I am fine." And the demand says, "Okay." I am content You have to understand As far as your money is concerned If there is an issue, you tell me Brothers are we? I asked you, "Is there a problem?" You said, "Hmm." I like it, I am getting the memory Brothers, let me advise you There is a gift of this spirit called "Decendments" You go need them Because you see what I just described If you try it First and foremost, you upset me You did not know I started reacting You did not know You now asked me Are my alrights I didn't say no, I said, "Hmm." You don't know? You don't know there's a difference No, I said, "Hmm." I said, "Hmm." No, I said, "Hmm." No, I said, "Hmm." No, I said, "Hmm." You now say, "Okay." Ah! Let me just say this Let this Sometimes, just let it out And assume you are talking to each other sometimes Don't take that literally otherwise there will be a problem But, just help us with some clarity, some context After a while, we will catch up, we will understand So number one, understand that we are different Number two, understand that there is a reason You are the way you are Oh my God Please, do you hear what I just said? You know, it was written out but that said something He was preaching on the island touch And then he said, "You see two corpus They're about to enter marriage And then they will be promising each other I will be the best holdman you have ever seen in your life The woman too will say, "I will be the best wife of ever Have you seen wedding vows this this?" With my left hand, I will catch a grenade With my right hand, I will hold this on The moon and thirty-seven stars Together, we will go ahead You will be saying, "Huh?" Hey! You say you won't. You say you won't clean it? Komong con vasesia yin uv y hud. Milti mew hud. Milti mew hud. Milti mew hud. Milti mew hud. Milti mew hud. I don't know what it is. I will never forget. I came in with results, 566 over 600. I will never forget he was in the vehicle like this. You know what I said? It's my result. He looked at it. He said, "Well, don't. I gave me a buck." Let me tell you how tough like that can affect you. It can affect your vulnerability. Now, let me tell you something. Pros and cons. It made me tough enough. The standards of excellence are so high. And now you see me driving at excellence now. God has healed all those things. There is a holy, godly drive for excellence. I'm telling you, I'm fine. I listen to me. I used to be in psychopath when I'm fine. So now you are used to performing at a high level without any gratification. You see, God has healed me. But you see, that's why you don't understand. You are dragging me on Twitter. You expect me to cry. You don't know who I am. All my life I've done great without approval. Without well done. Thank you. I don't need it. I know really normal like that. If you appreciate me, I appreciate it. If you don't, we move. So there are pros and there are cons. Now, how does someone like that? Appreciate his wife. Okay, you look after the child. You want a medal? I don't want that words. Is it not your job? I'm telling you things that you now have to learn. Please, if you like, look at me and I'm talking about us. So I'm telling you so that you can find out things that you need to walk on. So if you ever let me tell you something, the average person who grows up in an African home needs healing. The average person. You need healing. You need healing. You need to learn vulnerability. You don't want my dad knew the whole problem. For the first time, almost ever, we found ourselves. Because you see, when you're living in a big house, it's very easy to be avoidance. Good morning, sir. Void eye contact. Avoid proximity. There was no way time. We had to stay in an apartment. Only one room. I thought I would die. I will never forget. From six. So I will be sitting on the bed. He will come and sit down. So cautious. So when I stood up, I didn't know he had been watching me. He said, what is the problem? My mind is in swing. [Laughter] African dad, tell you express yourself. You don't know where. I'll leave you. [Laughter] Since when? When you understand where they are coming from, you know they've tried. Two things were great now. Number two, when I see where he's coming from. The kind of dysfunction he had to survive. I even give him credit. To produce good children, even tried. But at the same time, it was still his struggle. It was something I had to. And the thing is, I thought I was fine. Until he told me I love you for the first time. I'll never forget. I was about to get married. [Laughter] I was on the phone like they said. Okay, so bye bye. I love you. [Laughter] That's when I knew. I never knew. I had dysfunction. Until that day. I never knew I was seeking. You see, the fact that I don't seek approval from everyone. Those no men, I don't seek approval from him. That day, I said, I love you. I love you too! I thought, yeah. [Laughter] What was going on? And now, came back. [Laughter] I was going on. I was going to lose God now. These are real issues. Like I would often say, laugh but listen. African men. Let me say this. Your culture gives you the subconscious impression that you don't have to walk. That being a man is enough. That just being a man is enough. You don't understand how deep this thing is. I was listening to an interview. I saw it somewhere. Olive Modi was having an interview with a landlord. He first started with giving house. He was saying, I don't like to give houses to single women or to women. Single modus. And so, he was saying, why? And he was giving his reasons. I said, woman, if you are right for marriage, you should have a man over you. And then she asked the question. What about people who had to leave their homes? Because their husbands were beating them. You know what he said? He said, enjoy it. He said, enjoy it. If your husband is beaten, you enjoy it. He said, there is a reason he is beating you. Listen, let me tell you. There is a problem. I want to beg you in the name of Jesus. You forget anything I say. Never forget this. The number one rule of communication and marriage, especially with the woman is empathy. You must learn to put yourself in our shoes. Being an African doesn't teach you to do so naturally. You just come back. She has three kids. She is literally nothing on our own. Then you just open the fridge. Why is that enough? Come back from church together. I wonder why is there no food? You were both in church. One of the biggest things you can do. I said, "Man, make things easier for your wife. Keep thinking. How can I make things easier for you?" Let me tell you something. When a woman says you are actively walking towards that, there will be a depth of appreciation. Even you will be surprised. Empathy. It is true that the Bible says that the man is the head. But the Bible did not say he is the coconut head. There is a difference. You are the head of the woman, not the coconut head. It doesn't mean you can't receive advice. It doesn't mean you are all knowing. You are not always right. Don't be an oppressor. You have to correct your honking from outside. Your children begin to scum. Turn off the TV. Quickly carry it out. Talk to the TV. Don't be hot. Run to the room. Are you like kids? The emperor, the congo, the lion. You know that song by Dom Wayne. I think no, Frank Edwards. You are happy. See, when your wife goes out of our way, cleans the whole house, all those things. Have you ever said, "Thank you. You did so well." Wow. Havu eva? Aki moe Tact Hadi nete agate Tama kez wakiaran tebемana Belie te Gu 두 R치 imately, diala 那 He laz' slipped Saleh lyua So, I spoke to the man, "Can I speak to the women now?" You like violence? You're a ballad, no, no, that was nice. Okay, wait, when I say to do it again. So, "Can I speak to the women now?" "Ak shawtide" You are not see it. (Aki moe Tact Hadi nete agate) I'm thinking what to say and what not to say because I don't like stress. Women? Should I talk to you or not? Alright. They said I should talk. They said don't talk. Well, let's talk. Alright, let's talk. You see, many men I said in last week that is a romantic fantasy that men want to be accepted for who they are. And there is a level to which that's extreme. But there is also a level to which that makes sense. It is extreme if the man is not ready to put in any walk to improve at all. But it is not extreme if the man is honestly trying. And you have to understand that the average man don't have sense. They are not so many, you know, but the ones that have sense they have one mission. Just to make their wives happy. They want to make you happy. But the unfortunate reality is that sometimes they eventually get to a point where they feel they will never be good enough for you. They will never be good enough. You have to understand that the way a man is wired. He's wired to be a giver. And because he's wired to be a giver, he depends on you. He depends on you to appreciate what he's giving, to make meaning of what he's giving. And so the way you criticize and give that feedback, you must do it on the standing that even if men form hardguide, they are sensitive. They are sensitive. And that feedback is not just what you say, is how you say it. You know, I saw something years ago. I mean, not too long ago. And it was so profound. This guy talked about his ex and his current spouse. How they reacted to something as little as his, you know, beard bombs. So when he would hug his ex, she just go, oh, you know, she had a sensitive skin. Oh, your beard is makes me uncomfortable. And all he kept hearing is, I'm not good enough. But this other lady, he eventually got married to every time they hug. When he had, he had a clean shave. She said, oh, I like it when you have shaved. That's feedback. You see the difference? Oh, I like it when you shave. He said because of that, it was a mental note every two days. I am my God. You said I can talk to you, right? Women have a superpower. That has been reflected as weakness in this generation. Let me say this to you, fest and foremost, that superpower has been abused by irresponsible men. But in the right setting under the right context, it is still powerful. Are you ready for more time about the same? I gave a such an example when I was talking about how a woman tells you she's hungry. When she's out on a date with you, she says, are you hungry? So, so consciously, women are wired to put an idea in your mind and make you take initiative for the collective good. What if you learned that consciously? There's a movie. How many of you have seen the movie inception? All right. And the movie inception, they came up with a technology where you could enter the mind of someone drop an idea in the mind. And when the person comes back, the idea will seem original. I am telling you women have that superpower. Women have that superpower. And so, for instance, it is proven that instead of telling men what to do all the time, if you allow them to take initiative. Instead of saying, this box is broken, fix it. If you say, what do you think we can do to this box? The man feel. They say, okay, so I was just calling the capital. Just this the same thing. I'll give you a Bible example. This one is sensitive. I will ask you again, should I talk or should I not talk? All right. We read up about Esther forgetting that the queen had an ex. And there is so much to learn because it is the same man. Treating to different women drastically different. You could make an argument for Vashni. She had her right. Wow. Will you just call me to come and entertain your guests? But the question is does that strategy walk particularly for powerful men? Does it walk? Listen, if your goal is to insist on your right, fine. If your goal is to have a happy home. To walk with someone that you trust for a collective goal, then if there is a more excellent way, use it. That same king that Vashni wanted to use a giddy. Esther. He used some mission to Esther. Use some mission to get him to kill. You know the story, don't you? I think she came in like this. I said, you are powerful. The the hardest money in the world. If you know how to pull the strings, all the things you have been quarreling about, he will give you. He will give you his kingdom. Men, I told you men are more romantic. Read the story about Herod. Just small down. So he said ask me anything to the half of my kingdom. Half of my down. So which kind of leg. That is it. I am telling you a man can go to war. Conquer battles. Take over territory. Damn small dance. He will give you half. You are arguing because you don't know. You don't know. This does not in any way exonerating from his excesses and all of that. But if you find a way to let him know that fundamentally if you first and foremost accept him. You accept him. You believe in him. You trust him. Because men struggle. It's a dilemma. They are superheroes everywhere. Everywhere they go to the walk to the office. They are killing it. They are successful. They are showering their entire family sometimes especially in Africa. Doing everything. The only place where he is constantly aware of his inner dequeces is in the home. Then now you are wondering why the friendship is being affected. You remind him of everything he ought to be but he's not. What if you find a proper way. A better way. Men also. There is a way to communicate. My God. There's a mistake guys make a guys. When guys are quarreling is in the context. When guys are quarreling, they can see anything to each other and his thoughts. Let me tell you guys. Women are not like that. Don't say what you don't mean. They will not forget. [Ambient] 'Di mei fagiv' 'At least they say they will forgive' 'Ah ok' 'Were they forgiv only God knows' 'God is the ultimate George' 'Because sometimes you wonder' 'You'll be surprised' '15 years later' 'You just say 'Ah' 'You say what's that?' 'You say I remember the day you say 'Ah' 'That's how that day' 'Don't try it' 'You're not feeling what he's doing' 'Don't try it' 'Please are you listening to me?' 'I'm not listening to you' 'I'm not listening to you' 'I'm not listening to you' (Laughter) I want to talk to the guys again as I begin to round off four things, four very important ways you can create an environmental safety for your wife number one you must create a non-judgmental environment so that she can tell you what she feels she can tell you how she feels I'll be honest with you, they will abuse it but it's important number two, this is important a clear line of communication a clear line she must be able to say, 'okay, I know how to reach my husband' or at least every two weeks we go out, we have dinner and we establish this as an ordinance we ask each other, so what can I do better and what we can I improve that's a clear line of communication if there is no clear line of communication things will pile up she will begin to nag I told you why last week and you'll be saying, 'well she nagged a lot' she'll be saying, 'oh her' a clear line of communication if she has to fight you to get your attention she will fight you and I'm talking about physical abuse please all right I'm just talking about nagging and I'm not saying it is always right I'm just explaining why you are saying the reaction you are saying so that you can adjust please is this making sense at all? number three there must be a deep sense of understanding deep sense of understanding uh and number four and women tell me this is important or not she must feel prioritized she must feel prioritized be busy with your work, prioritizer be busy with whatever you're doing, prioritizer she must feel prioritized as a round of, I just want to talk on one very important thing that affects marriages and that's defensiveness I told you one of four things that with 90% accuracy determines marriages that will fail is defensiveness so what are signs of defensiveness because some people don't even know you can be defensive, you can be a defensive person I'm not no number one making excuses making excuses they can't bring up something and say well I think you should have done this better you will be deeply deflect blame someone else, something else push it to external circumstances always because of this making excuses is a sign of defensiveness number two cross complaining this one please write it down cross complaining uh, dairy you said dinner will be ready, I'm hungry well you said you would take out the trash yesterday did you take it out cross complaining, is it familiar or not counter-arguments before you know it one argument will lead to another argument to another argument you will not arrive at Orelay, you're wondering how did we get here you have left the major arguments cross complaining, it's people who are defensive is very hard to get them to focus on an issue, so with a move on they will say you two, you two is that, is that not how you two number three, yes bots this one is more subtle, just call it yes bots they will agree but immediately evaluate the agreement yes bot is because yes bot you two, yes number four body language and tone change some people the moment they are giving them feedback their tone will just change, the body language and like I said it is because more often than not because of your upbringing, listen if you grew up in a very authoritative environment you'll be defensive because subconsciously everyone who wants to cage you you will see them as that primary caregiver on the home you have to walk on eggshells and you will resist to resist have you ever said something in the calmness tone to someone maybe not your spouse but to someone and then you are surprised at the reaction because there is something about insecurity that you filter what the person hears you hear your own insecurity, it's loud and resounding and you respond based on what the person did not say but what your insecurity reflected that the person said before you know it's the person said one you have said 15 the person is surprised what is going on these are things to watch out for you must learn to be able to take it, take on nest feedback not every time God's blazing the good news is you can get better at it please are you listening to me just to be sure I'm not wasting my time say I'm a doer of the word say it again now me doer of the word hallelujah so how do you deal with it number one if need be take a short break take a short break please taking a short break is different from stonewalling and please women I can kneel and beg you if demand says you know what I will talk about this later that's not the time to be following him that's how every time this is the story he's trying to remove himself from this situation yeah following him with commentary so that's how you think you're going to try give it time give it time the Baba says a soft answer turns the way Roth turns the way Roth if you need that time if you need that space please give him time oh there was a couple he had the same one like this remove yourself my god is why I didn't get the memo so the quarryling was getting heated he said you know what we talk about this on another time as he was going do man follow them he entered the kitchen he followed him he came up enter the room follow them claim the bed as if it was lying down she sat in front of him I'll continue nagging please sometimes take a break the person by your side may need it so respectfully give the patient should consider taking a break take it you know calm down number two stick to the subject matter this one is hard for some people but please stick to the subject matter stick to the subject matter A let me tell you two of the most important things "Tanthens have learned about communication." Are you ready to listen to this? Especially for women, you have to listen to the underlying arguments. It is not really about what they're arguing about. It is what they're arguing for. There's something that is missing. You don't value me, you don't trust me. That's it. It's not just, oh, I cooked for you. You know, and you think it's beyond that. She's feeling unappreciated. So you have to look for the underlying things. Okay, trust. I need to reassure her that I trust her, that I value her. That's the underlying issue. Sometimes if you are picking on the matter, that's why you wonder why arguments will never end. Because it's not about the arguments. It's not about the argument. The underlying issues. And the woman is just trying to tell you, I need more attention in this marriage. I need more value in this marriage. So listen, you grow in this segment when you learn to pick those things. Pick what she's really saying that she's not saying. Amen, somebody. That is a life-saving tip right there. Number two, it is called future focus. This will change your life if you learn it. Imagine you communicate that this way. I'm upset about something that happened. So I want to make a request. Now, when you put it this way, you are no longer making it about what has already happened. You are positioning yourself to avoid it in the future. So it's no longer about the present. It's not longer about what you're quarreling about. I wasn't happy about this. So I want to make a request for the future. To do get that, it's a future focus. It's a future focus. And sometimes when men react to feedback, it's because of how you make them feel. In their mind, they're saying, I will do better. You don't have to cast it get me. You don't have to have musculate me. Just give me the chance to do better. So when you say, this works not just for men, but for women too. You know what? I don't like this. When we find ourselves in this situation, let's do it this and this and this way. Amen, somebody. And as we close, I just want to read a text that we know very well. Turn your Bible to the big book of Proverbs. Did you learn anything? Proverbs chapter 15, verse 1 and 2. We'll read this and then we pray. Thank you, Jesus. It says, a soft answer, tons of weiroth. Everybody ready to get a one to go. A soft answer, tons of weiroth. But a hash word stays up anger. A hash word does what? All right, verse 2, want to go. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge correctly. But the mouth of the fool, pause, pause. Hallelujah. Pause, pause. Meaning no filter. Everything on your mind, you just say. Pause, pause. Even that expression is funny. Why are they spit on me? Why are they. You just say, "Paw." Say I'm a 12-the-word. Hallelujah. Please stand to your feet. What I just said will affect every relationship in your life. Not just romantic relationships. It will make you a better colleague at the office. Can I ask you this? Everything I talked about, go and do for the research. Listen to this ceremony again and again. When we put media out, interact with them as someone who is intermedling with wisdom, with the aim of getting better. We will be better. Say, "Low-demon." We won't transfer trauma to our children. Say, "Low-demon." You have to understand how likely it is that the same thing you complained about with your parents, you do the same thing to your children. You do the same thing. Everything you hated, everything you cried about, complained about. Now you are doing the same thing. In the name of Jesus, I reject negative patterns. It ends with me. Say it ends with me. It ends with me. No matter how pushed you are, speak the right words of your kids. You'll be surprised. All those things you hated, they have become a program. If you're not careful, it's part of the moment you can say, you can just look at your child and say something. Call your child names. No break those patterns. Come on now you with me. Call them what you want to see in their lives. Call them what you want to see. And only what you want to see. You can correct them but don't call them names. Don't transfer aggression. Be determined not to repeat cycles of abuse. It ends with me. It ends with me. Say this, my children will not be afraid of marriage because of me. Come on, say it again, say my children will not be afraid of marriage because of me. I want you to call out to the Lord for help right now. I'll give you a few minutes. Call out to the Lord for help. If your marriage means a lot to you, show it in the way you pray for it. Pray about it. Pray about it. Pray about it. Pray about it. I don't see. I don't see. I don't see. I don't see. Thank you, Jesus. Listen, for every person who has been injured particularly by people they trusted, people who were supposed to be guardians in their life. I wanted to pray for them. Let the Lord strengthen them. Let those wounds be healed. Let them be brought into relationships that will prove their background wrong. That will rewrite that story of emotional abuse. Do me a favor, hold the person by your side just in case you are holding someone going through that. The person cannot tell you but the person needs that faith contact right now. In the name of Jesus, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, we pray for healing, we pray for a repair. And by the grace of God we will not transfer trauma. In the name of Jesus, we refuse to repeat generational patterns. We start a new pattern of blessing. Of blessing. Of blessing. Of blessing. Thank you, Jesus. Hallelujah. Father, we thank you. We love you. We trust your word. Thank you for making us better. Better than we came. The entrance of your word gives light. Thank you for light, light in our soul. We receive illumination. We walk better. We walk second-spetly. We correct the wrongs in our lineage. In our background, we refuse to repeat errors and wrong patterns. We will do better. Thank you, Father. Hila难 en lepanaka de la我在ictionala wnau evolue wa lab suffer pam Aivoim Deus Domain Parand告诉你 Kwaka Quarry Exercises Atlas A. Kalua Halana Hila难 en lepanaka de la我在ictionala