Confessing Things I’ve Never Told Anyone Before

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, today we are diving into the deepest, darkest secrets on reddits. Things people have never told anyone before, and we're going to read them for the first time. Let's go. I've been tasting my own urine. Nope. I've been tasting my own urine every morning for four years. I have a spreadsheet with what, what the, uh, a, uh, your serial killer and disgusting. I have a spreadsheet with 1,460 entries, rating color, clarity, sweetness, salinity, and mouth feel. I can now predict illness on set 72 hours before symptoms appear. What? Mouth feel? What is it? Murlow? What the fuck are you talking about, dude? It's a cool, it's a little, it's heavy on the palate, could be getting, could be getting a cold. Is that what he's saying? Approximately five millimeters enough for a proper palate evaluation. This is a sicko, dude, or it's a sommelier, like, out of work at the moment, so just like has to put the, the talent somewhere. Every morning for the past four years, I've tasted my own urine. Approximately five milliliters enough for a proper palate evaluation. This started after I discovered the historical practice of youroscopy, which was the primary diagnostic method used by physicians from ancient Greece through the 19th century. Yeah, that was then, and now you go to the doctor and they go, you're good, there's tests that we can run. You don't have to drink your piss every day. What is your breath like? What is your breath like, dude? For those unfamiliar doctors tasted urine to diagnose disease for over 2,500 years. The breakthrough case was Thomas Willis in 1674, an English physician who tasted a diabetic patient's urine and described it as wonderfully sweet as if it were imbued with honey and sugar. Um, what? You're telling me that if I ever get diabetes, I also can turn into a really like a water fountain of sorts. Like if I'm drinking my own piss, it's probably like pretty nice, like a little fruit juice or something. That's kind of fire. All right, six primary metrics, color, clarity, sweetness, salinity, bitterness, and mouth field. I've cataloged 34 distinct flavor profiles to date. I'm still writing a 34 page methodology document. Once I'm finished, I can share it if you guys want to be piss drinkers. Hey, man, we don't, all right, we don't, uh, I don't care about this study. I'm not going to drink my own piss. I'm just going to go to the doctor, I'm going to get blood tests, I'm going to do that sort of thing. Um, if it works for you and you want to do this like medieval way of figuring out if, you know, you're going to get a fever in a couple of weeks or something, do it. I think it's cool. And like, I think there's some science to back it, you know, 25 hundred years. This is how we used to do things, but we used to do a lot of things for 2500 years that like we've perfected and we have a better way of doing it where we don't have to drink our own fucking pee. You know what I mean? So I'm going to stick with the new stuff, I think. My wife believes I simply take a long time in the bathroom each morning. She's not aware of the research. This is fucked. So you're telling me you're, oh my god, your wife is kissing your piss mouth and she has no idea. This is bad for the marriage to be honest. There's no way she can't smell piss on the breath. It's deep in you, dude. I don't even know how much five milliliters, like if I look at it, I don't know how much that is. But enough for a pallet evaluation. Come on, brother. I've been married 14 years and never seen my wife naked. All right, I'm going to need to, I'm going to need an explanation here. The title says I've been married 14 years and have still never seen my wife naked. She's extremely self-conscious and even though I absolutely love her body and she should too, I still can only see her with clothes on. I never thought I'd be this age, married this long, and still having to mentally undress her. But here we are. Sexual attempts can only occur in pitch darkness. Any hope of looking into her eyes is not possible. This is sad on both counts. Unlike both sides. I feel bad. I've only really gotten it in once or twice in that time anyway, though. Really it's just painful mashing. What the fuck does that even mean? Oh, cause it's pitch black. So he's just mashing his shit against her thigh or something. You're like poking a belly button. We can't use Lou because that's gross and she, and only she can initiate. My feelings do not matter at all. It's totally duty sex so she can lay there and check the box. Oh my god, this is fucking terrible dude. I would rather my spouse be drinking her piss than this. What I would give her even one time with passion. This is so devastating to read. You know, like I feel bad that she's so self-conscious that she can't do this, but this guy is saying, what I would give her an ounce of passion and lovemaking. I'm fucking the side of her leg. I'm painful mashing, and somehow that's enough for me. It's been 14 years of that. What I would give her even one time with some passion to feel wanted, to feel like she wanted to. We didn't even get that on her honeymoon, zero sex at all then. She didn't feel like it that week. I should have gotten an annulment immediately. I now understand why people cheat. All right. This is like all over the place. You start to feel bad for people and then there's twists and turns here. So yeah, that's my secret. People think we have this great life and in reality, it's just misery and my feelings like I have no say in our relationship and I should be happy to be married or something. What a joke. Ending that whole thing with what a joke. Well listen, man, at a certain point, I think it's on you. I think you need to communicate with your wife. I get it that she's self conscious about her body. But if it doesn't work for you, they're like, hey, I want to be intimate and I want to be in a relationship where I feel like, you know, I can at least see your body. We can be intimate together and we can work through these things together as a team. And if she's not comfortable with that and you have to deal with, in year words, painful mashing, maybe yeah, you should have left that relationship. It's been 14 years of painful mashing. I mean, it's hard to think that she's going to veer like one day she's not going to wake up and be like, you know, take a look at all this stuff. You know, like I think it's, it's a process, but if she's not willing to budge and this is very painful for you and you feel like there's no love in this relationship and there's only painful mashing, then maybe you should get out of there or get like a porn subscription or something. I don't know. My 16 year old son won't stop talking about gesture maxing and it's starting to scare me. Oh man, hell yeah, I really don't know what to do here. My son is 16 and he's always been the funny one in the family, cracking jokes, doing impressions to make us laugh, but lately it's like that's all he does and it's getting out of hand. A few months ago, he started saying gesture maxing constantly before school, he'll go time to gesture max today or when he's on the phone, he'll laugh and say that was peak gesture maxing right there. I figured it was some stupid meme at first, but he literally uses for everything now. Oh God, this is brutal to hear, man. I mean, I can't even, he'll come home from being with friends and tell me, mom, I gesture max so hard at lunch, everyone was losing it. Then he practices these over the top phases and dances in front of the mirror, but the guy's just trying to be a gesture maxer, dude. Oh man, I asked him straight up what it means because it sounded off. He got kind of mad and said it's about being entertaining so people actually notice you and serious dudes just get ignored and gestures get the clout. I hope this is a made up story. This is so sad. This is now sad again. He showed me some videos of this guy dancing like a maniac in a club and people in the comments are calling it gesture maxing God tier. I love the Gen Z slang to so much. Oh my God, do gesture maxing. I was, I gesture max so hard at lunch, I gesture maxed it all over everyone and they just like couldn't take it. I'm starting to worry this is connected to some bad online stuff. All right, this is not, we can't crazy though. I looked it up a little and it seems related to those looks maxing groups where guys fixate on their appearance and social rank, but this version is just about acting like a clown for attention. He used to talk about girls like a normal teenager but now he says things like foids only respect you if you gesture max correctly. What's a foid? Is that like a droid? Which I had to search and it made me feel sick. Any advice would help a lot. I'm lost here. I'm lost too, lady. I don't know what you're talking about, you know. This guy's gesture maxing clearly. I mean, he's a big fan of that. He wants to entertain people and you would rather him talk about girls, but he's like, "Fuck that." You know, only serious guys, they get ignored. They're losers. What you got to do is spin on your head at lunch and make everyone throw up, you know, like from laughing. That's so I want to be a, what do I want to do with my life? I want to be a God tiered gesture, Maxor. And listen, as someone who started doing a job before it was a job and then it turned into a job, you never know. There might be something with the gesture maxing. Like when all the kids were playing video games and it's like, "Mom, I'm going to be a professional one day," and she's like, "Sure." But now all these guys are fucking millionaires, you know, if they're really good at video games. So like, maybe this guy's going to gesture Max's way to the top and be a God tiered gesture, Maxor. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm going to get a fucking nosebleed. Have I ever gesture Max? What does that even mean? Have I ever tried to make people laugh? Yeah, of course. I don't know. Is my job gesture Maxing God tier? Am I doing it now? Or before we get to the rest of this video, we do have sponsors and the first one is Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon is the high protein zero sugar cereal you already know. 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If it's a dark red, you're like, okay, that's a bad ticket. Maybe you go for the greens or the dark greens. Those are good prices for those tickets, okay. I like the transparency there. I've been using it for years and they got everything. So they got a bunch of concerts and like I said, there's over like 70,000 events listed on it every single day. So a lot to choose from. So get out there and have some fun and while you're at it, save some money. Download the app Seaky or go to the website and use the code Joe 2026 for 10% off your next set of tickets, all right. So go download Seaky, go get your tickets and when you're checking out, port in Joe 2026 as that code and get 10% off on me, all right. Enjoy. I secretly sleep in while my wife works on Saturday. My partner and I have an eight month old baby. She's up pretty early, usually around 6.30 a.m. and we both just kind of accepted that we'll never get to sleep in. However, my wife works Saturdays under the table at a market while she's on maternity to leave and leaves at about 7 a.m. I get up with the baby like usual, but when she leaves, I grab a pillow and a blanket and get in the giant six by six play pin with my daughter. I put Mrs. Racial on the TV and proceed to get cozy and pass the fuck out. I'll sleep for about an hour sometimes like 90 minutes if my daughter stays happy with Mrs. Racial. We normally only let her have 10 minutes a day of screen time. My wife doesn't know but I grew up with Saturday morning cartoons and I turned out mostly fine. Um, dude, you're a person in a marriage with a child lying about sleeping is crazy. I mean, I feel like this would just require a conversation. Also, dangerous I think a little bit, dude, you got an eight month old baby. It's not like the baby is like fucking walking around and, you know, it's an eight month old baby. And you're just like, yeah, just watch the fucking TV while Daddy sleeps, you know, I don't know that that's the safest thing to do with a baby. Fuck the screen time. This screen time is not the issue here. I mean, it will be an issue because your wife and you agreed to only do 10 minutes a day and you're just blowing that out. Third, I put 90 minutes like that's nine days and one day, what are we doing here? You guys had an agreement. I mean, maybe you should have a conversation about that before you just, you know, go out on a limb and do it yourself. However, I'm concerned about, bro, you're sleep. What if the baby rolls over? It's a little toy. I'm not trying to put things in your, in your mind here, but babies fall down. They get little bruises all the time and you got to be there to pick it up. I don't know. I would probably be a better parent. Probably. That's probably my advice. I'd probably do that. I kind of have a kink and used my husband's floss picks. What? I took on my husband's floss picks and flossed my asshole with them. Am I rating that right? How do you even floss pick your asshole? It's a tiny little string. You're really digging into that little high end of yours. Floss my asshole with them and put them back in the bag. This was right after I showered, so a clean booty. But still, I think it's hot as hell that he's flossing with them and doesn't know. Hey, you know what? I think it's crime as hell, dude. Like what the fuck? This is fucked. Like and also, I get it. You took a shower. You cleaned your butt. It's a butt. It's a butt though. It's a butt though. So like, there's always a chance of some excrement if you're flossing the thing. You know, we're all brushing our teeth, but when you floss, sometimes you get some food because the brushing doesn't get the food. That's why we floss. You know what I'm saying? You don't think there's a crevice back there in your butt hole and you're a bag of floss picks. And you're over there playing the vinyl in and that shit. You don't think you're kicking up a little dirt and this guy's putting it in his teeth. I mean, if that gets in his bloodstream, we're talking about possibly this guy goes down because of you. It's not a kink. It's attempted murder. It's very intimate and secretive. Intimate? No, it isn't. It's secretive for sure, but it's not intimate. And it kind of marks my territory and property. It's your husband. That's what the marriage was for. The marriage and the ring and the wedding and the ceremony and the cutting of the cake. That marks the property, property, but like, you know, I would never tell him this, but I think it's a hot little secret. I'm glad someone thinks so. I'm glad that you put in a little bit of your shit and your husband's teeth is making you feel good. And you're not really considering his feelings at all. Jail, jail, jail. Jesus. This one just says, my boyfriend has a small dick. This is tough, man. Okay. So my boyfriend, I have been dating for nine months now. Overall things have been really good. He's an amazing guy. Good job. Nice family. Sweet. Handsome. So many adjectives. We get it. However, when it comes to sex compatibility, things are a bit below average. He is on the smaller side of the scale, and I and I myself am a bit thicker in the thighs and booty region. So it's definitely not a great mix. She's got a fat button, a small penis. Missionary sex is usually just fine, but when we try other positions, it just doesn't work. You can't reach to get past my cheeks. Damn, how fat is your ass? It has started to cause a bit of an issue in our relationship. I know you're self conscious about it, so I try not to let him see that it can be frustrating for me too. I try to hype him up and whatnot. This is just something that's been weighing on me since we are getting further into our relationship. I'm not like one of those girls who only goes for guys with big dicks or any honestly, I could care less. But he is the smallest I've experienced and these issues are first for me. This is, you know, I think this also requires a conversation. I think that you're kind of approaching this with some love here. It's not your fault. You got a big giant fat ass and he's got a tiny weiner, but I think that maybe you should have a conversation and look, it's not that you want to throw the weiner out. You just want the weiner to, you know, get a fair shot. Like missionary is good, but it's like, you know, maybe the dog is out the window because the butt is too fucking colossal here. So maybe we'll have to try something or maybe we'll have to lean a little bit or something, you know what I mean? Maybe this guy is going to have to go downtown to funky town more, you know? Let's please, let's please me a little bit. If I felt like I wasn't able to perform with someone, I'm like, I'm getting the job done with other things. Okay? I've got, um, what are fingers and toes called? What are they called? What's the word? I'm thinking of. I don't know. But I've got fingers and toes and I, and I got other ways of making it happen. So this is for anyone out there that's in a relationship, look, you should talk about your sex. You should be as open as you can with it because I promise on the other side of that is the best sex you've ever had in your life. If you're going to withhold secrets, then they can't change. They don't even know that anything's wrong and you think you're being nice to them. But really, you're not being nice to them because you're just creating an issue that's going to continue on. All right? And you're going to be like, oh my god, the sex is like, okay, I wish it could be better, but I'm not going to say anything because I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's going to get his feelings hurt. But then you're just going to dislike him because the sex is kind of wack. But if you have a conversation with him and he gets his feelings hurt a little bit, he's like, damn, I got a small leaner, but you're like, yo, but here's what we could do. The game plan and we dominate, you know what I mean? And then on the other side of that, now he feels like the man, he's like, now I got the small penis and the big fat butt, but I'm crushing the thing because we came up with a game plan. A game plan goes a long way, defense wins championships, let's go. My fiancee thinks I'm saving for our wedding. I'm actually saving to leave. Whoa, dude, I thought this was about Virginia at first, but it's about divorce before it even happens. I, male 29, have got with my fiancee, female 28 for six years. My fiancee thinks we're relationship goals, we've got the social media photos, the mutual friends, the inside jokes, we're supposed to get married next spring, but I'm slowly dying inside. Fuck. Shit. She's not abusive, she's not cruel, but I feel invisible in this relationship. I feel like a prop in the life she wants, not a partner. We talk, but don't really connect. We laugh, but it feels rehearsed. Sex is rare and robotic. I've brought these things up before and she always says, I'm just stressed or looking for problems. A year ago, I opened a secret account, I started saving money on the side. Just a little at first, then more. She thinks it's part of our joint wedding fund. It's not. It's my escape plan. I don't know when I'll do it, maybe in a month, maybe the night before the wedding, but I can't live with this life forever. I just hope one day she forgives me for walking away, and I hope I forgive myself too. Oh my God, this is so fucked up to read. Listen, man, I'd like, this is tough, and you know, I think it's probably not great. So leaving the night before the wedding, are you an insane person? Don't do that. That's horrible. I would, my only suggestion would be to leave as soon as you can, and you know, if you're at the point where you've been together for six years and you've tried to have the conversation, and it's not going well, and you still feel like you're not connecting, then you guys aren't just meant to be then. And that's okay. And getting out of relationships is very difficult, but better, just it's the hard thing to do, but it's the right thing to do. Yeah, that's tough, man. That's tough. I did a fake employee at my old corporate job and collected a salary for three years. Hold on, is this genius? Back in 2018, I worked in middle management for a really bloated logistics company. My boss was completely checked out and basically let me handle all hiring and payroll approvals for my small remote team. Oh my God. We had a guy quit without notice, and instead of reporting it to HR right away, I just kept him on the roster and changed his direct deposit to a different bank account I had. I thought I would do it for like a month just to get an extra paycheck because my rent was super high, and I was drowning in debt. Nobody noticed at all. After a few months, HR did a system update, so I panicked and actually created a whole new identity for the guy. I renamed him Marcus in the system and gave him a fake employee profile. Whenever we had Zoom meetings, I would log in on my personal laptop at the camera off and just type in chat as Marcus saying his mic was acting up. This is crazy and super illegal. The crazy part is I actually had to make sure Marcus hit his quotas so I didn't get caught. His job was mostly just data entry and formatting spreadsheets, so I literally paid a guy on 5 or like 15 bucks a day to do all of Marcus's daily task. I collected his $65,000 salary for three years on top of my own. I only stopped because we got bought out by a bigger company in 2021 and they demanded in-person meetings for the merger transition. I made Marcus send a really angry resignation email about corporate culture and he quit on the spot. I bought my first condo with Marcus Money. Is this something that can actually go on? I guess if you're at like a giant company, I guess you could get away with that. Dude, how is that worth it though? Like this is literally embezzlement, like you go to jail. Like you can't be stealing money from your company. Like is it worth jail? I mean, it's great. I mean, you got away with it, but risky bro, risky. Genius though, brave. Also, I wanna say brave. Honestly, like a Robin Hood in some sort of way. Like congrats on your fucking condo from stealing from this fucking bloated logistics company. He gives a shit about logistics companies. So, you know, like whatever, it's definitely a league and it was a risk, but we came out on top and congrats on the house. And yeah, maybe never do that again, all right? But yeah, that is all for this week's video. I mean, listen, a lot of people got these deep dark secrets. Some of these I can't even imagine why you're even telling us to be honest with you. And I wish I had something cool like that that I've never told anyone, but my whole life's basically on the internet. So, you guys got it. But yeah, don't forget to subscribe. See you guys next time.