Conan Unboxes “Toy Story” Merch

(upbeat music) - Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Wanna talk to Conan? Visit teamkoko.com/callconon. Okay, let's get started. - So we're gonna do something a little different today. As we all know, Toy Story 5 came out. You play Sparney Pants. A few weeks ago, you were presented with the first ever toy of Sparney Pants, and you're really excited. - Great, so we have this giant Sparney Pants here. - I know. - That's great. Can I criticize your open for just a second? - Yeah, anytime. - You just glossed over Toy Story came out and you're in it, stuff like that. It's the biggest movie-- - Oh, yeah. - In like the history of the world. - Oh. - The history of the world. - It's a massive-- - It is huge. - And something is sweeping through the country right now, which can only be called Sparney Pants Mania. - Oh boy. - If people are doing the Sparney Pants dance, it is everywhere. Sparney Pants, and as I'll just talk about, how Sparney Pants kind of is the movie. - Oh. - I have a death source. - Which character did you voice, Sparney? - Sparney Pants. - Oh, that's interesting. - I just occurred to me with one. But anyway, tons of articles are like, well, he's, you know, Sparney Pants is the movie and were there other characters? You know, who is this Bonnie and this Buzz? - Oh. (laughing) - Toy Story Blast for me, how dare you? - I just have to point out the like day before we went to the Toy Story premiere, you were like, oh man, what if this isn't good? What if I'm the reason that this fails? Wow, you really changed? - I've changed, I've changed, I've decided. I went from, oh, I don't want to be the reason this Toy Story 5 goes down to deciding that I'll take full credit from all of you to success. - Oh my god. - People don't know I did all of the animation. - Oh. - Yeah. - Pixar was like, we're not sure how to do this. And I said, guys, guys, guys! - Yeah. - And I went in there and I took over. - You're a real computer guy. - Oh man, am I a computer guy? I'm a real computer-er. - Oh, that's what they say. - Yep. And you're just a humble about it, too. - No, no, anyway. Now, I'm sure a lot of people have seen Toy Story 5. Just, if you're checking the numbers, it seems like. - Oh, god. - It seems like everyone, I think everyone on Earth has seen it three times already. - Oh, wow. - But a fourth time, always a good idea. - Five for five. (laughing) - So, my character, Smarty Pants, is a, he's one of the tech toys, but he's the first level of tech toy. Like, the first tier. So, just when they were starting to put tech into toys and he is a potty training device. It was my insistence. I've been waiting for years. I've had many offers to do animation. And I always said, come to me when it's a toilet training device. (laughing) This was my insistence time. - I mean, it looks like a roll of toilet paper. - Yep, yeah. - Smarty Pants does and it has a number one and a number two button. - Yes, yes. - And is there any part of you? - Yeah. - That's like, why me, from this specific-- - As I told them, when they came to me and described the character, I said, I feel seen for the first time. Just felt right? Really seen. They see the real me. So, yeah. And of course, now I'm told there's Smarty Pants merch. - Yes, so he showed you the one toy if he was in the hall? - And then we just point out. And I think I should point this out. I don't get a piece of this merch. I've tried, you know, they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5? And they said, yes. And they said, and then I said, is there going to be any merch from my character? And they went, yes, there will be. And I went, well, I demand it. And they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5 or not? And they went, yes, please. - You pulled it fast. So, yeah, I sure showed them. So, I don't profit in any way. I just thought it should be fun. - Yeah, take a look. - Let's go up against Disney. - All right, what's the first one, David? - All right, first one is this little play scale. It's you and your little friends from the movie. - Oh, that's all my buddies from the movie. - Let's see who's here. Well, look at that. Look at that. So, you got Smarty Pants right here. That's a, he's adorable. There's Jesse. Jesse's got her hat. - Jesse's the best. - Good for sun protection. - And. - It's like she wears a, I like any character that's being serious about sun protection. So, Atlas, Snappy, and then of course, there's Smarty Pants here. And what a lovely set. I think people should get this set. And if you do think I should have had a piece of the merch, you're free to send me money. - You want the fans to send you money? - I think fans, if they really enjoy playing with their Smarty Pants, if they were nice, - We're gonna just move on. - There's another play set. A few more characters in this one. We have Forky, Lily Padbuzz, and Woody Up Top. - Okay. And why am I on the lower level? (laughing) I'm sorry. - Wow. - Once you take them out, there are no levels. - Very nice. But no, this is the thing my agent should have been on top of. I mean, I love Forky. We all love Forky, but come on. I should be up here. So that's the kind of thing. I'm gonna get to Rick Rosen right after this segment. (laughing) And I'm gonna chew him a new asshole. I'm right there, though, with my typical, look at that Smarty Pants sideways. He give me a side eye. - The one eyebrow raise. - Meal one eyebrow raise. That is, man, that's Smarty Pants. - Oh yeah. - Wait a minute, I don't like this. What do you get to zone box? Forky, all these guys. And then you get to my box. And look at that. I share a box with Atlas Snappy. - And then me. That's not gonna happen in the future either. I want my own box. - Aren't you a trio? - Yeah. You guys are all connected by like a USP- - I'm not kidding. (laughing) - Smarty Pants. - Hey, chill. - You know what? I probably went too far there. - Well, your toy in this one is also on a stand with the two other characters. - Not if you have a power saw. (laughing) - You're also, you can get this in a Kellogg cereal box. - Oh, look at this. If you get Kellogg cereal, you get a little Smarty Pants card. But then look at this. You turn it around and it's a woody toy. - A woody. - What is that? - They're using me. - That's what's also woody. - Look at this. They're using me to sell woody. That's wrong. - That's just wrong. Again, other thing I gotta talk to WM about. - Oh boy. - So many calls to me. - The calls that are going to my agents, my various reps. - You should go to battle with Pixar for sure. I think it'll be good. - You know what? - They're shaking in their cartoon boots right now. (laughing) I'll chase that lamp all across North America. (laughing) - They'll be hopping away from me. Come back here, lamp. - Oh, no. He's crazy. (laughing) - I love the laughing, the attorney for Pixar. - The lamp. - The lamp was the attorney. - Um, I read your card and it seems to me. (laughing) - Oh, Smarty Pants has his own funco. Look at this. We've got some Smarty Pants funcoes right here. - Funco pop. - You know what? You got to go with the funco. We've had a bunch of funcoes from all those years in Comic-Con. And now this is added to the legion of Conan funcoes. - Yeah. - Very nice. You know what this means? I'll be signing these ad airports for the rest of my life. - Yes. - And that's Sizzler restaurants. - Yes. - I don't know why, but they always get me to Sizzler. - Conan is the most funcoed person. - We're gonna look it up right now. Somebody is right. - I need to. - Judy Dench. (laughing) - What's this? - Look at this little wallet. - Oh. - This is a whole new credit card. - This is a wallet. Look at this. You have all your credit cards back. Oh, I thought it said Prada. It says Pixar. (laughing) It's like wow, Prada. - Prada. - Look at that. You can get a Smarty Pants wallet right here guys. This is incredible. - I wouldn't love to be at a restaurant with you one day and you pull that out. - This is what I need to use from now on. And I'm gonna go to very fancy restaurants. And then when it comes time, I'm gonna make a big show of saying, time to pay. Oh really? Let me get my wallet. Huh? Oh, oh, oh, Smarty Pants. Yes. - That's me. - I'm the voice of Smarty Pants. And then cut to the exterior of the restaurant and I'm just thrown out. And then this wallet hits me on the head. - Here's some more. - So Conan, you are the most fun-code person with 38 different fun-code dolls. Stan Lee is 37 and Elvis is 30. This is incredible. And you wonder why I've gone insane. It's just too much success. - This is ridiculous. - It's too much success. No one reaches this status in show business. Has a wallet. Can I just say, this is a clumsy wallet? (laughing) The whole idea of a wallet is for it to be aerodynamic and they've put a giant chunky toilet on this one. - Can I just make a comment? I don't think it's for adults. I think it's for kids. And I think that it's for kids- - So this is where kids put their credit cards? - Yeah, I don't know. Can I know it's not for grown men to put it in their back pocket. - So when kids- (laughing) I don't know when I was a kid I didn't have anything that could go in here. Not one thing. - They'd like to pretend. - Yeah, okay, that's fine. - It's not adults wearing it. - Now we're getting into the shirts and the hoodies. - What's this, explain what's happening here? 'Cause I don't know that much about fashion. This is a hoodie with like a retro-looking smarty pants on it. - I gotta put it on. - You can get them like Amazon selling them, hot topics selling them. - Why? - Again, smarty pants. - Conan O'Brien in no way participates. Financially, this is me as a fan of smarty. - Oh, no. - That's a cool, that looks cool. - Oh, that is cool. - I'm just gonna start. - This looks cool. - It actually does look cool. It's like a, I love that retro 80s print. - This will never fit me. - Look at this. This is for obviously a toddler or a very small child. - Yeah. - Very cool. It's smarty in the game. - Uh-huh. - Technically awesome, it says. - Yep. (upbeat music) - Oh, look. This is nice. I like this one. There I am. right there with a woody. - It's a blue sweater. That's a good color for me. - It's a playtime and it's smarty pants and woody. - Uh-huh. Oh my god, she's going to be just describing it. - This is going to be flying off shelves. Everyone's going to want one of these. - I like this one. - That's cool. - This is nice. - That's a picture of smarty pants with that jelly hand that he has. - He got that jelly hand incredible. - It's like a baseball shirt. - Baseball shirt, yeah. Here's a shirt that says I need to recharge. - I need to recharge, okay, because smarty pants does run on electricity and doubly batteries. - Yeah, batteries. Do we need this much? - I mean, here, here's enough. - What are you talking about? - Don't you think this is like a little too much for me? - No, for smarty pants. - For a side character. - Oh, you struck a nerve. - A lot of people are saying I am the comedic and emotional center of the movie. - Oh, okay. It's not Jesse. - And when I say a lot of people, is it you? - It's me. (laughing) - Me alone, but, wow, look at this. There's smarty pants. - That's the one you're wearing just in a t-shirt. - Yeah, that's great. - Okay, this one, you recorded the lines for this toy in that chair. Press. - Shows. - Oh, that's when he's low on batteries. This is actually my voice. When do people ever get to hear my voice? You've got to get this toy or you'll never hear my voice. (laughing) - If you don't have this toy, my voice is lost to you forever. - Just trying to get some batteries out of you. - Don't you want it to shut up? Like, that's how we feel. - At least this one's not motion activated, like the other one. - There is a motion activated one, and I almost killed it. - Well, I was here, like, I had to grab something at night once and he started just talking in the corner. - Oh my God, you look like such a chill right now wearing this sweatshirt and-- - Look at this. Don't really look like, hey, you're never gonna find me selling out to the man. - I wish we had a hat. - That's not my style. That's not who I am. (laughing) - I have never seen, they're like all different sizes. - There are so many different smarty pants toys. - It's too much. - And they're different. - Stop saying that! - This one's also motion activated. - Can I say one thing you're not gonna like? I think it's not enough. - Oh, okay. - I think it should be a car that's patterned after smarty pants that you can get in. It's like a really expensive car. - Oh, I don't know. Like a rolling toilet paper? - I like that you don't know. You're not sure that that's a good idea. - It's gonna be fun for everyone. Everyone gets involved. It's a mystery box. We gotta see who can find the smarty pants. - I've got a play. - Did you see how I caught that with one hand? - That's so cool. - That was really cool. - Wait, we gotta find out. - We have to find it. It's a mystery. - All right, well, I got this. Let me see who I got. I got this pig. - Okay, try again. (laughs) - I got him. - I got him. - You got smarty. - Oh, I got the other parts. - Isn't that weird when the guy who is dealing the game wins? - I didn't cheat. - Look at him. This is adorable. - He's a little guy. So this is a toy where kids don't know who they're gonna get. - You don't know who you're gonna get. It could be. - Do you guys, you're gonna be riots and malls when kids don't get smarty pants? - It could be. - When they get stuck with the pig. (laughs) - You know what I mean? Are like the stapler, whatever. - With his hand. - Yeah. - With his little jelly hand. - A little jelly hand. When kids get that, there's gonna be rioting in malls. - It does, it does, it does, it does. - A kid says. - I can't wait to get smarty pants. They pull out this jellied hand. (laughs) Suddenly, you see a drone shot, a news helicopter shot of a mall being torn apart by kids. And so you know what they bring in riot police who shoot cannons filled with little smarty pants to calm them down. - How diluted am I? How insane am I? - We should have never done this. - We never, you know what? - This is so weird. - I hate you with nits. - It's gonna start setting things up. - This is a book, there's a sticker book. - Oh my god, look at this. - I'm like one of those like golden. - Oh, those are cool. - Golden books. - Yeah, those are classic. Everything's just going the way I always intended it to. This was the plan long ago, back when I started my career. - What's that? - It's snow gloves. - What? - It's a snow glove. - Okay, you know you're, I think you did these in the wrong order, David. - They've gone too far. - David started with the biggest wow ones. And now he's down to, oh look, it's a little sticker that can go on a frying pan. - It's a box that may or may not have your toy. (laughs) - You admit you did this in reverse order. - You did this in reverse order. - I think it's better. - You ended on the t-shirts. He ended on the t-shirts. And now he's opening toys that possibly have smarty pants in them, but most likely statistically not. - I got him. - Hey! - Oh, smarty. Oh, he's trapped, trapped, I say. - I just love that the lamp is watching everything that we do. (laughs) - He knows it's really appalled by it all. My wife. My wife, we also have a cheese, smarty pants cheese. - No! - Yes. - Smarty pants, cheese. - It's kind of cheese. - It's like the little baby bell. - Baby bell. - I think they're cheddar cheese. - Okay, okay. - Cheese. - Eric got some today. - He commented. - Can I say one thing? - So now I honestly don't think this has gone far enough. And I'm being serious. This is great, this is amazing. This isn't enough. Because right now America's gripped with smarty pants fever. A lot of people thought that July 4th, 2026, was going to be the 250th celebration. - Well, you're not hearing about that. - That's fizzled. You know what's happening instead? - Smarty pants, Mania. (laughing) - I have a question. Earlier you said there's a smarty pants dance taking over the nation. What's the dance, how's it go? - It's a rock to the left, a rock to the right, flush, flush, and then a spin. And you know what, people are doing that everywhere. I see, I can't, I've not seen it yet. - It's everywhere. I've never not seen it. I've never opened my eyes in the last month and not seen that. - Can I make an appeal to the Pixar merchandising department? - Yep. - Fucking stop. Just stop. We're good. There's plenty of smarty pants, merch. - Headles. - I think we made it. - Headles to the metal. - And you could say something else. - They know what they're doing. - They do, though. - They have research. They know what they're doing. You know what they know? When they see smarty pants, Mania, they know what to do. You know? - You can step into reading and learn how to read with smarty pants now. - Look at that. - Jesse meets some of Blaze's old forgotten toys known as the Tech Trio. First there is smarty pants, voiced by a needy Irish Catholic boy in Boston. (all laughing) He has a hole in his heart that can never be healed. - Oh. - I didn't think these books got into it in this level. - That's easy. - Yeah. The love he didn't get as a child and a large family will never be saved. - Wow, it's incredible word. S-A-L-V-E-D, it's right here for kids. The only way to ameliorate this problem is by constantly calling attention to himself. - Jesus. This is terrible. All the cognitive therapy in the world cannot help. - It's still going. - The voice of smarty pants. It just goes on for pages and pages about smarty pants. I'll skip ahead of couples. - Yeah, take us to the end. - You think each success would calm him. But no, on the contrary, each success only feeds the need for more success. It's a bottomless cup of coffee with the needy, sad voice of smarty pants. Who wrote this? - Wait a minute, my therapist. - You didn't see that coming, did you? I get to do it there so now. You live in a good time. - This is the hardest I've seen her go in a while. You were really-- - I love the backstory on smarty pants. - They, it really goes. And yeah, and they keep talking about the voice. In the rest of the book, they just talk about the characters. But when they get to smarty pants, they say, has the voice of a desperately sad, cloying, needy creep. It says the BDI voice of smarty pants. How would they even know what's happening? How does a voice have BDIs? - Yeah, don't listen to Sona, whoever's behind this, Disney, Pixar, go, go, go, more, more, more. I think we've had enough. - And remember, if you think I should have had a car of the merch, send cash to the Conan O'Brien fun. - Put up your Venmo. - I should put up a Venmo. It's just me, a guy who doesn't need money, demanding money for a smarty pants merch. - That they already bought. It's not like they're getting framework. - Can I do a Kickstarter? Is there any way I can get a Kickstarter? - Go fund me. - I'm sorry, go fund me. - I didn't get a piece of the smarty pants merch. And I feel I'm entitled. - How would that go over to America right now? How would that go over? - Yeah. - I think it's-- - I am mad at this. - It's sweet to me. - David, have my Bentley brought it around. - Go fund me. - I love the description. - Yeah. - Conan O'Brien did not get a cut of the merch. - Yeah, of the merch. - First donate to the cause. - Please donate to the cause. - I want a really sad song. - I want a little space. - Yeah, I will be, I will be, everywhere I go mobs will descend on me and tear me apart. All right, well this was, I have to say, this was really fun. - I am really excited. This is really cool. And I'm, I'm, it's a little otherworldly. I have to say. all this stuff for yourself. Yeah. It's insane. It's insane. And I can't wait to see it on a blanket. It's someone's flea market. And there are people who really collect all this stuff. And this is like, you know, this is really cool. It's a lot of really cool stuff. It's beautiful. It's designed well. What are you doing? We're not selling this stuff. We already said we don't get a cut of it. We know wait for just wait. You can say whatever you want. It doesn't matter. He is. I like, I like Pixar a lot. So, you know, I just, you know, that's just your, that's, that's you. That is me being actually sincere. Yeah. Because earlier I was telling them they do have to stop. I do love that. No. The lamp goes after people who have sent everything. You have the lamp. A lamp crashes through your door. If you violate their presets, just separate me from these other two dead beasts. Craig Roberts is going to come to my door. Just cave my head in with a pipe. All right, you heard it here. What did we hear? What did we hear? All we did was pile up a ton of smarty pants merch. Go, go, go. The business of America is business. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Cessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, Executive Produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liyah. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivina. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair, Associate Talent Producer Jennifer samples, Associate Producer Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez, Get three free months of serious XM when you sign up at seriousxm.com/conon. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.