Speaker 1Hello everyone, my name is Anthony. I'm an addict and an alcoholic in recovery. Today we're going to be discussing the community questions. So I asked people on Recovering Out Loud, my Instagram at Recovering Out Loud pod. If you're not following me, please go follow me. I have bite-sized tips and tools and stories of how I got sober and a lot of useful stuff on there and it's all free. Only thing I'm selling is hope. I'm a hope dealer. I stole that from someone. I asked everyone what they wanted me to talk about today and here's what we came up with. So today I'm going to talk about recovery isn't a one-size-fits-all, helping others while staying sober, emotional boundaries for professionals, power of routine and why routine is important in recovery, how families can support recovery, so someone coming back home from treatment, recovery skills that bleed into normal life, so people that don't have addiction, what they can do, how these skills are transferable. I always say this, recovery skills are very much usable for everybody, whether you have an addiction or not. They are good life skills and I've found that to be extremely true, exceptionally true. Okay, so first up, the first topic discussion was 12 steps not being for everyone, alternate options for detox slash rehab. Thanks to Joey B561, I appreciate it. Yeah, 12 steps not being for everyone, alternate options for detox slash rehab. recovery is not for everyone, right? There's a lot of people that have poor experiences with 12 step and specifically Alcoholics Anonymous. That is okay. It's not the only way to get sober. I always say that it's, you know, AA doesn't have a monopoly on sobriety and none of these modalities do. Whatever works for you, do it, work it. A lot of them are free. The 12 steps work for a lot of people, but again, they're not necessary to get sober. So there's CBT based programs, there's smart recovery, which I talked about. And I want to refer to an earlier episode I did, 12 steps versus non-12 steps versus therapy. Go check out that one. If you don't like 12 step or you want to explore other recovery modalities, I talked about it at length in that podcast. There's life ring, secular recovery, refuge recovery, Buddhist based approaches, inpatient versus outpatient and harm reduction models and medication assisted treatment. So make sure you choose a path that matches your values and takes away the stigma. If you're going online with, I don't know, Instagram coaches or alcohol coaches, just, you know, ask their accreditations, do some research before you blindly give someone your money. Like for myself, you know, I'm an addiction counselor now, just finishing up my schooling on that. I work at a treatment center in Toronto and I've lived experience since 2015. So just do your research, ask questions, ask what qualifies them to be an addiction professional. So the biggest difference between detoxing and alcohol is that you don't have to go to the doctor. You don't have to go to the doctor. You don't have to go to the opiates and rehab. Detox is very much necessary for a lot of substances, including alcohol, right? Alcohol probably being the most dangerous one. Alcohol and benzos, the two that you can, that are fatal, they're severe, right? So you want to be very careful when you're detoxing from those. Make sure you get nurses, make sure you get physicians. Don't do that alone. And the opiate ones, although you can't, you know, they're not go through opiate withdrawals. So don't do that one alone either. There's tons of detox, free detox, government funded detox in Canada. And I would start with Connex. So C-O-N-N-C-O-N-E-X. I'm going to link it in the show notes, but Connex is a great resource. You can call it's free and they will direct you to the service that fits you. They are basically a directory. You can also, I don't know if you've heard of it, but Connex is a great resource for medical health services in Canada. So for me, when I was coming off of benzos and I was coming off of stimulants, cocaine and meth, I did a detox the first time when I went to Utah, I went to a separate detox facility that was in the U S a lot of treatment centers will have detoxes in them. Um, but there are a lot of standalone detoxes as well. And, uh, yeah, benzodiazepine withdrawal, what it felt like for me was extreme rebound anxiety. So, you know, I had crazy, crazy thought loops that I couldn't get out of physical anxiety. And so I did a detox the first time when I went to Utah, I went to a sweating. Um, you know, I was like heart palpitations. I was nervous all the time. I was uncomfortable. And so they will wean you off that medically and properly to make that experience as smooth as possible. Highly recommend seeking medical professional help. Next topic, helping others in recovery while protecting your own. This is a good one. How do I help someone else while protecting my own? So I don't make sure they get dragged down with me. Right. Um, important side to help someone get sober and it's starting to make you feel like you want to drink or use. It might be best to go to somebody else with more sobriety time or a addiction professional to help you. Don't do it alone. Right. Um, but if you're in a fit spiritual condition and you are feeling, you know, safe and confident with helping that person go by all means, do it, help them take them to a meeting, right? Don't hang out with them at a bar, go take them for coffee. And if they're high or drunk, I strongly recommend you don't talk to them because it's waste of both. It's a waste of both of your times, right? When people call me and I can tell that they're drunk or high, I just tell them to call me back when they're sober. It's really that simple. It's, you know, if they take it personally, well, they won't remember anyways, cause they're fucking high and drunk. So, but, uh, yeah, it's important that I talk to people when they're in their sober state, because that's really them, you know, when they're using or drinking, it's not, you're not talking to that person. You're talking to the addiction, you're talking to the disease. So important, uh, distinction there, make sure that, you know, back when you're sober, I'd love to help, but I'll be here when you're sober. Yeah. So when it comes to helping someone, you know, setting healthy boundaries, like, Hey, I, I, that's a boundary, right? Where I, Hey, I would love to help you, but I can't for my own mental health. I just can't talk to you when you're drunk or high. It's not safe for me. I prefer to talk to you when you're sober. That's a boundary. Another boundary could be, you know, if they're constantly yelling at you or talking condescending to you, or that won't work for me, you can set a boundary Hey, I feel hurt. I feel upset. I feel sad when you attack, you know, my recovery program and say that condescending talk like that, that program isn't going to work for me. And you guys are all stupid and you know, it hurts my feelings. So that's another boundary that you can set as well. I'm here to help, but I would appreciate if you didn't talk shit about me or my recovery or the people I hang out with. So knowing the line next, when helping becomes enabling, this is a good one. And I'll probably get into this as well with supporting a loved one in recovery. If you're a family member, the difference between enabling and support. Okay. Here's what enabling is ready. Enabling is when you prevent the natural consequences of their addiction to occur, right? So I'm letting them sleep a hangover off. I'm letting them sleep in. I'm giving them a place to stay. I'm giving them money for a haircut. And then now they have more money to use drugs and alcohol. I'm giving them the car. I'm letting them drive under my insurance, right? These are all methods of enabling. If you are doing this, stop. If you want somebody to get help, you need to make it, you need to let the natural consequences occur of addiction in their life. Okay. So this is a tough one too, because sometimes that means you have to let the person go to jail or get in trouble with the law, but it brings them to a faster bottom. That's for you. I'm not going to tell anybody to, you know, forcibly put their loved one in jail. I would never do that, but just look at all the things that you're going to have to deal with. And maybe you can cut those out one by one and it'll get them faster into recovery. Support, support is when you are checking in with them. You're telling them, Hey, I'm here. I'll take you to a meeting. Hey, I'll take you to your therapist visit. I'll go for coffee with you to talk about ways that you can get better. That's support, right? Showing up, keeping in touch and not taking them to the bar, not meeting them at the bar, just being a good person and showing up. That's all that we as addicts need. You know, my wife just showed up for a long time, right? She didn't tell me what to do or yell at me, or she just showed up. And when I was drinking or using, she said, I can't be around that. I can't watch you kill yourself slowly. I can't be a part of that. When you're ready to get help, I'm here. Simple as that. Another way that we can enable without probably realizing it is like when somebody doesn't show up to events, you're like, okay, I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to do that. I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to do that. I'm ready to do that. I'm ready to do that. I'm ready to do that. I'm ready to do that. I'm ready to do that. Because he was high or drunk, that's not good, right? You're, you're, you're allowed, you need to allow the natural consequences of his addiction to occur. Unfortunately, we can't get anybody sober, but we can be there. And when they're, when they hit that bottom and they're ready to reach out their hand, we can be there. Hey, I'm here when you're ready. Hey, I'm here when you're ready. Simple. Yeah. You want to be making sure that you're taking care of yourself, right? So if you start to see that you're feeling responsible for their outcomes, that's a red flag. If you're starting to feel attached to the bad decisions that they make, or you're starting to feel like, I don't know, you're responsible at all. Like that's probably a red flag. You might, might want to check that. If they are pulling you away from your self-care routines and your recovery, that's a red flag. Your recovery must stay. Number one, don't put anyone else's recovery above yours, right? So if you're constantly going to help that person out when they're in a bind or they're in, you know, a hangover, don't bail them out. You know what I mean? Unless they want to get help. Right. But if you're constantly showing up and bailing them out and they're relying on you to keep using and drinking, maybe you should stop that. Yeah. So for me on this one, I can remember, you know, a few times I've, uh, I've taken a lot of guys through recovery. I've sponsored a lot of guys over the years and not all of them make it my, you know, most of them actually disappear. And I think a lot of people can relate to that, that have been in long-term recovery. It's, you know, I always tell guys when I work with them, I'm not responsible to keep you sober. I have no power in keeping you sober. Only you and your higher power can do that. I'm just here to take you through the recovery program, to show you the light in a dark place, to show you the way I was taught on how to get sober and stay sober. That is my only job. That is my only responsibility. I am not responsible for the outcome. I'm not responsible for you staying sober. I will hopefully guide you to a spiritual experience, which is what I've experienced and what I think is necessary to stay sober. But I can't cause that for you. I can't force you to do anything. I'll show you the path that I took and, you know, I'll hold your hand through it. The takeaway from this is you cannot pour from an empty cup. So make sure your cup still has recovery juice in it. Make sure your spiritual bank account is still intact. You can't give away what you don't have. Supporting others while maintaining your own recovery first is the takeaway is the priority here. All right, next we have how do professionals, avoid absorbing other people's pain. Yeah, this is a good one too. You know, I've been dealing in the addiction field professionally for less than a year now, but I still have a little bit of experience. I can comment on this at least is you got to kind of separate the addiction from the person, right? You can't become close with people when you're working with them because that's a boundary that you, I need to set. If I become too close to people, you know, things go wrong generally, and that's not good. It's, it's a problem. And I think that's a good thing. It's a professional environment. I'm here to give you tools and help you through it. But again, I'm not responsible for your recovery and we are not friends, right? We can coexist together and we can, um, you know, be civil. And, but at the end of the day, I am a professional working from a professional lens, trying to help you to find your own recovery. But yeah, it gets hard, right? Like I've gotten emails so many times where it's like, we don't need your services anymore. My son took his own life, right? It's hard to find your own recovery. And I think that's a good thing. I think it's hard to read that. It's hard to do this job sometimes where not everybody makes it like the, the statistics are not in our favor, right? In addition. So it's tough. Uh, but you have to sort of compartmentalize your recovery with other clients and remembering that they're clients and not family members and not friends. The other thing too, that's hard about it. It's like taking your own bias into it, right? So for example, I have a bias of, I don't know, um, certain recovery programs working for people. And when somebody says that recovery program didn't work for me, my first thought I get, I get, I get filled up with anger where I'm like, did you, did it not work for you or did you not work for it? And usually it's you didn't work for it. Right. But I, I kind of get defensive about that where, and I forget that people just coming, I was talking to a guy today that was blaming everything but alcohol for his problems, right? I just need to move. I just need to go to Thailand. I just need to, get out of Toronto. It's Toronto that's causing me this misery when in fact, in reality, and this was my case too, I was blaming everybody else pointing the finger when I should have been pointing the finger back. It's me. That's the problem. It's me drinking alcohol. That's the problem. All my problems related back to substances and alcohol bar none. And then today that I'm sober, all my problems relate back to my thinking, not my drinking. I came in for my drinking. I stayed for my thinking because my thinking is still skewed. My perception is still skewed. I see the world with a blurry pair of glasses sometimes. And I need to switch my pair of glasses and change my perception. I don't have problems today. I have perception issues. I have conscious, I have conscious disconnection from God, from spirituality, with my, from myself. I see things from an anger perspective. I see things from a shame perspective. I see things from a fear perspective, trauma lens, right? My problem today is my perspective. It's not the actual problem, right? And just one last thing to comment on with the, um, you know, social service, uh, addiction counselor lens is I have to decenter myself, right? I have to take my bias, my social location out of the equation. Sorry. I have to take my social location, social location into the equation. And remember that I'm coming from a white male middle-aged perspective, um, which is typically the enemy in society, right? In, um, in our capitalistic society. And I have to decenter my values, my ethics away from that. For example, if I'm dealing with someone that killed someone drunk driving, and I have a problem with drunk driving, right? This is just an example. It's not specific to me. I have to see that person from an objective lens. I can't judge that person because, um, they drank while driving their kids around, right? If I have a strong moral stance against that today, I have to decenter myself and put that over here. I have to place my morals, my values in a different container and see that person for what it is. It's addiction and we're going to help treat it. That person is not a bad person because I don't agree with the things that they did is essentially what I'm saying. The takeaway from this is you can care deeply without collapsing under the weight of someone else's struggle. All right, next from Chubby's Corner, routine as a recovery tool. So structure isn't boring. It's the backbone of population and sobriety. Our brains crave unpredictability in addiction. So we need to train the recovery brain to, it needs predictability. We need to build a routine of things that, you know, I always say building small wins, doing one thing at a time and proving to your brain that you can do hard things. You can build dopamine naturally by accomplishing tasks, cleaning your house, making your bed, doing the dishes, whatever it may be for you. So I have my recovery pillars and my morning and evening routine. So every morning I wake up, I pray, you know, I tell, I talk to God, whatever your God is. I'm not really, I remember, I'm not religious. I'm spiritual, big difference. Religion is for people who are scared to go to hell and spirituality is for people that have been to hell and don't want to go back. I've been to hell motherfuckers. And I'm sure a lot of you have too. It's not ideal. I choose to be on this side, but so I say a prayer every morning. I journal out three, one to three pages of just freehand writing of what's on my mind. It helps with creativity. It also helps get the mind out of my head. But that's important for me. And then I do a meditation sometimes, not every morning, but I'll do a 15 minute meditation where I'll just breathe and listen. And then I start my day. I try to get outside and do some sort of fitness. You know, I haven't gone to the gym today, which is on my to-do list, but that's a part of it. Routine can reduce cravings and impulsive decisions. And it also just keeps you accountable, right? I feel good when I tick off the boxes of my to-do list. So recovery pillars for me, sleep, nutrition, right? Eating whole foods, movement, connection, reflection. That's simple. There's non-negotiables in my life today. Like, you know, doing my recovery program, going to meetings and then, uh, journaling is another one. Prayer is another non-negotiable. These are all things that you have to, you know, make an agreement with yourself. What are the non-negotiables in my recovery that keep me sober today that I need to do without negotiation. It might be working out for you for a long time. It was for me too. Routine protects you. Key takeaway here. Routine protects you from chaos and builds the environment where recovery can thrive. All right, next from Jules zone, my friend, my good friend, OG listener day one listener, Julie, when a loved one returns home, how families can support recovery. So families don't cause addiction, but they do play a powerful role in supporting recovery. Very powerful with boundaries and education. All right, next addiction principles that apply to everyday life. So for people that don't struggle with addiction, there's a lot of them skills learned in recovery. Aren't just for staying sober. They make you a better coworker, partner, leader, and human. So one of my favorites one day at a time, this is a mantra. I have it on my bracelet here, but it's a reminder to live in today. And that my problems aren't real problems. Like I said, they're just perspective problems. I think I have a problem. And that made sound easy coming from someone that's has privilege like myself, but I found it true to be true with everybody. Right. If I have financial problems, like legitimate financial problems, which I do, I have had, and I have struggled with, there's a way to get out of them and sitting in the problem and worrying about not having enough money does not benefit it at all. Right? So my problem now lies with the fact that I'm trying to control it in the moment. That is my problem. My problem is not the, not having money. It's my need to fix it in the moment. That's causing me anguish. That's causing me suffering, right? Pain is inevitable. In life suffering is optional. I don't need to dwell on things. I can let them go and do one thing at a time. I can pay off one credit card at a time so that slowly, but surely the problem lessons and lessons. And then my relationship with the, with the problem isn't as great. It's I'm looking at it from a different lens. It's I'm currently recuperating my financial situation. That's it. I am working on it one day at a time. I don't need to stress about it right now. God, higher power, whatever. hold on to this work on this for now and I find when I do that, I'll come back to you. When I do that and I let it go, I turn it over, I surrender the problem, the solution comes when I'm not expecting it, right? It comes in the quiet moments when I'm talking to a friend or I'm watching a YouTube video. The solution just appears. Hey, pay off your credit card minimum payments for now. Hey, pay off your smallest debt so that you feel good about it and then move on from there. Just some examples. Emotional regulation and conflict. This is another good recovery tool that can be used for everybody. So when I am being run on emotion, I'm a self-will run riot, right? I'm in fear. I am, I don't know, I am in anger. To be able to notice those things, to journal about them in the morning and then notice them as they come up, I can pause before I react. Pausing before you react is probably one of the greatest life skills anybody can use. I don't need to react in the way I want to react right now. I can pause. I can think about it. I can count to five sometimes. I can breathe, you know, breath be my first answer. When someone's yelling at me, if I, my first answer is that's my first word out of my mouth, things generally go better for me. I can notice the emotion coming up in me. Like, oh man, I'm getting really angry at this guy right now. What is that about? You know, I don't, maybe I don't need to punch him in the face or react or freak out, maybe I can just breathe and sit with this for a second and then respond in a productive way so that I don't have a new enemy in my life or I don't burn a bridge, you know, nobody ever regrets not getting. Into a fight, you know, um, people always regret getting into a fight in my experience. At least I do. All right. Another skill is radical accountability. So owning your part in everything. This is a big one in recovery too, where it's like, maybe it wasn't my wife's fault that I was drinking all the time. Maybe it wasn't my boss's fault that I had a shitty life. Maybe I could have changed that. And I chose not to write what you don't change. You are now choosing. I love. That quote, right? What I don't, what I'm not changing. I am now choosing. I have a part in everything. You know, one of the parts of recovery program is seeing your part in your resentment. So if I'm resenting my dog, I'm resenting my, uh, that's not a good one. If I'm resenting my partner, I'm resenting my parents. What is my part in it? Well, was I inconsiderate? Could I have reached out to them more? Could I have, you know, gone for dinner there more? Could I have listened more? Was. I only thinking about me? Was I selfish? Was I only thinking about what I could get out of all every situation? Generally you can tick off one of those boxes, right? And so it's like, maybe I have a part in this, you know, I didn't, it's not necessarily my fault, but I have a part in everything. Ooh, this is a good one. Recognizing triggers as workplace stress indicators, right? So, um, we can get triggered by emotions, but you know, with our emotions, right? So people that don't struggle with addiction necessarily, maybe they get. Triggered at work by their boss that keeps telling them to do something they don't want to do, or keeps yelling at them. And that brings up a trauma stress trigger, right? Where you're like, or a fear of abandonment, because your boss doesn't tell you how good you're doing. You know, you may be experienced as a kid, as a child, your parents never commended you for doing things. They never gave you any attaboys. And now that's what you look for. Recognizing that, that I look for external validation. And when I don't get it, I get triggered at work and I freak out and I do a bad job or I get fired, or I get put on performance improvement plans. Very important. So another set of tools, communication, empathy, patience, and boundaries, right? We already talked a little bit about boundaries, so I won't go into detail about that, but you can set boundaries in your life with anybody, right? That, uh, you don't have to be a drug addict or alcoholic or trauma survivor to set boundaries. There are healthy things. They bring relationships closer together. They build relationships, they strengthen relationships and then, yeah. I like communication. I think majority of problems, conflicts in life today are lack of communication. That's just my opinion. Um, typically when there's a disagreement or adversity, it's because I haven't communicated how I felt with somebody. Right. And using I statements is another big tool. I feel hurt when you constantly call me an asshole. I feel hurt when you don't, you know, I feel sad when you don't do the dishes or you don't clean up after yourself. It affects me negatively, not you're an asshole. Do the dishes more or you never do the dishes. It's, I feel fearful when you keep drinking. I feel upset when you ignore me or you don't cuddle me, whatever it is. I statements. Yeah. My recovery program definitely enhanced my professional life, right. It made me a better manager because it made me, you know, when I was managing a team, it made me realize that I have to treat people like people and in recovery. That's what I do today. I lead with empathy or I try to at least is what I do. Because empathy for me is seeing the footsteps of everybody's life to, you know, their, where they got to today and also what they're dealing with today. So not just empathizing with something that happened to them now or in the moment, but empathizing with their entire life story. So maybe they were marginalized or they were discriminated against it's living, trying to put yourself in that perspective and understanding that maybe that guy is robbing a convenience store because he was brought up in a terrible environment and all he could do to get money was steal, or maybe his dad was stealing or maybe his dad was an alcoholic, right. It's understanding. You're not, you're understanding what has brought them to this point. You're humanizing it. You're seeing, putting themselves in your shoe in their shoes. But yeah, recovery has definitely benefited all aspects of my life. It's made me a better brother. It's made me a better son. Not perfect. You know, it's definitely a work in progress, but it has enhanced my relationships bar none. You know, it has given me a peace of mind today that I. Don't need to worry about my financial problems in this moment, because there's nothing I can do about it in this moment. Anyways, I can do these small things, turn the results over to the universe, focus on inputs and not outputs, a lot of transferable skills for everybody. All right. I think that's it for today's episode. So I like doing the Q and a ones. If you have any topics or questions you want to ask me, please reach out to me on Instagram or YouTube. Again, it's recovering at recovering out loud pod at recovering out loud. Pod, follow me, message me, and give me some suggestions for topics. I really enjoy doing these. I'm in the studio today and you know, putting in work consistency, right? I'm not getting the results that I thought I deserved to get, or should be getting should is such a dangerous word in, in recovery. That's okay. I'm going to keep showing up and putting out these, this free content for anyone that it might help. And if it does help you follow, like subscribe, rate the podcast, that's the best. Repayment I can get. This is all free. All this stuff was freely given to me, freely taught to me. Um, and, uh, I enjoy doing it. So thanks for listening guys. I look forward to the next one. And, uh, I appreciate no one's told you this today. I love you.
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