Community as Family (ft. Bethany Allen) | Practicing the Way Vision Series E8

[Music] Hello and welcome to the John Markoma Teachings podcast. My name is Ynka Dawson and I'm your host. Each week we feature teachings by John Mark or other voices in the formation space and it's great to have you with us. This week we're continuing our conversation about the role of community and the process of transformation with a teaching by Bethany Allen, elder and pastor of spiritual formation and leadership development in a bridge town church. Today Bethany gives a powerful teaching on what it means for community to be family and how to lean into community and miss conflict on med expectations and disappointment. Here's Bethany. Well if you are new to Bridgetown welcome. Like Gerald said my name's Bethany and I am one of the pastors here and if you didn't know we are currently in our vision series which is the time of year that we kind of set aside to talk about where we're headed as a community over the next few months and into next year. And so we've been talking about practicing the way of Jesus over the past few months and talking about what it means to read the scriptures and actually live them out to put them into practice and it's been really fun. I think it's been really helpful and fun. Last week John Mark talked to us about living out these practices together kind of introducing this idea of community and why it's important and helpful for us as we practice the way of Jesus. And tonight I plan to continue that conversation which I'm really excited about. So are you? We're going to do a bit of something I call the Bible Drill. Now it is getting y'all were like stoked. So me y'all were like I know what that is. Yeah I know me too if you grew up in the church you kind of know but we're actually going to jump through a few texts tonight so you are going to have to be savvy with your Bible or your iPhone which I think you can handle. So turn with me to Genesis chapter 1. I think it's great to start at the very beginning. We are going to read verses 26 in 27. I beat you all. Got there first. So probably get a trophy or something. The text says this. Then God said let us make mankind in our image in our likeness so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky over the livestock and all the wild animals and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So God created mankind and his own image. In the image of God he created them male and female he created them. Now here right out the gate in the beginning of the Bible and most of us would argue at the beginning of the world we're introduced to something very unique. In verse 26 we read God saying let us make mankind in our image. And so the question we naturally have to ask is who is God talking to? Now there are two ways to read this. Some scholars think that God is talking to the heavenly beings who kind of exist in the heavens with him. And then most scholars think that God is talking to himself. We'll just call it some of us do that when we're alone at home. It's okay to talk about that. Jesus later clarified that God is talking about the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit. So right here at the beginning of the scriptures we see that God himself exists in community. God exists in a web if you will of relationships. And our good friend Dr. Gary Rochers who we love over at Western Seminary he puts it this way. It's beautifully said. He said God is a family who builds a family. Which means that human beings are created out of the overflow of God's family. It's like when a man and a woman get together and they produce a human. Right? Out of the overflow of their love and their affection comes a human. Now it's not exactly the same but it's kind of like that conceptually. So from this text from the very beginning we see that the God that we look like, the God who we image as the word says, was built and made and exist for community. That means we too exist in our made for community. Ready for your next text? Genesis chapter 3. The story kind of goes belly up if I'm being totally frank. Chapter 3 verses 6 through 13. When the woman saw the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized they were naked. So they sewed figs together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day and they hid from the Lord God among the trees in the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?" And he answered, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked." So I hid and he said, "Who told you you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" And the man said, "The woman you put here with me, she gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it." And then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman said, "The serpent deceived me and I ate it." Now this is a familiar narrative to most of us. It's when Sin enters the story of mankind, right? In the first place we see Sin wreaking havoc is on the family. Adam and Eve have this blame-shifting thing going on. I love how Adam says it. I mean, he is kind of heartless. He's like, "The woman you put here, she made me do it." I'm like, "We got some audacity." Right? And then she says, "The serpent deceived me." It wasn't my fault. So there's all this blame-shifting. And we also read in this text that now they're shame for the first time. They realize they were naked and they hid. And hopefully there was regret or remorse, but we see this family tainted already in a moment distorted by sin. And this isn't it. This story goes on from Genesis chapter 3 to Genesis 12. It continues, "Adam and Eve had two sons named Cain and Abel, and we know that Cain murdered Abel, which is pretty dysfunctional, wouldn't you agree? You're thinking about the holidays, and this is something different, you know?" Then in the next story, this is Skyrim Lamek, who takes on two wives, which FYI, that is a bad idea, just in general, if you're considering it. And then he goes on a killing spree. And on and on, the story goes, and we read that the story of humanity begins to spiral out of control because sin entered the narrative, and all of this is done through family. And it keeps spiraling until we get to this dude by the name of Abraham. So turn with me to Genesis chapter 12. Something else, I don't like your turn pretty fast. I think that's funny. First is one through three. The Lord said to Abraham, "Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you, and I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you, and I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. Then I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you, I will curse, and all the peoples of the earth will be blessed through you." Here we see God saying to Abraham that he was going to start over with him and his family, that he was going to fix what had gone awry from Genesis chapter 3 to Genesis 11. And that's exactly what happens over time. Abraham's family grows into a nation, millions of people that we now call Israel. But sadly, most of us know kind of how the story ends, Israel didn't have an awesome time either. It kind of spiraled out a few times over, and nothing significant radically changed until there was an Israelite by the name of Jesus of Nazareth. So turn with me over to Luke chapter 8 verses 19 through 21. The text says, "Now Jesus's mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd." So when told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside wanting to see you," and he replied, "My mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it into practice." Here Jesus calls his followers his family. He says, "Hey, even if you're not my blood relative, you're not my mother or my brother or my sister, we're family." Or another way we put it is that central to Jesus's vision of the kingdom of God is a calling to a brand new family, not built around ethnicity, but around the family of God. And what's funny about this text is when you and I read it, we're like, "Cool, moving on, right?" Well, some of you were like that. I am naturally. But if we were with Jesus in this day, this would have been so provocative. 'Cause he wasn't saying something small to all the people around him who were predominantly Jewish, he was saying, "You know, you can be Jewish and not be in the family of God." And for them, it would have been like, what are you talking about? Right, and then he goes on, he's basically saying, you can be a Gentile, non-Jewish people, and you can also be in the family of God. And they were like, no way. Like this is bananas. Yeah, I think that's what they said in the text, so where? But we don't get the gravity of it, but this was a staggering leap forward in the history and story of God. Nobody thought like this in Jesus' day, which is why a huge chunk of the New Testament is kind of a working out of this brand-new reality. Now with that said, turn with me to our final text over to Galatians chapter three. We're gonna read verses 23 through 29. Nope, just kidding, 26 to 29. Paul writes, "In Christ Jesus, you are all children of God through faith. For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither June or Gentile, neither slave or free, nor there is male and female. For all of you are one in Christ Jesus. If you beg long to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed and heirs according to the promise." Paul is saying that if you are a follower of Jesus, whether you are Jewish or Palestinian, whether you are Chinese or American or Russian or Ukrainian, you are now an heir of Abraham's story, of Israel's story, and you are now a part officially of the family of God. So it comes to no surprise that all throughout the New Testament the dominant metaphor for the church is family. And what is the church? Well, there's a lot of things I can say about the church. A lot of people think it's a building, like we all meet here, and this must be the church. A lot of people think it's an event that happens every Sunday or Sunday morning, and neither of those things are true. But the predominant, the top thing that hits our list the highest is that we are family. Now I know, because I know a lot of you, and I also know myself, that as soon as I mention these words, family or community, a lot of you in some capacity checked out. And I would imagine, that's because all of us in this room for better or worse have a family. And it was in our family that we received the largest, most powerful messages we could have ever received about who we are. Peter Scazero, the author of "Emotionally Healthy Church" who we totally love, says it this way, numerous external forces may shape us, but the family we grew up in is the primary, and except in rare circumstances, the most powerful system that will shape and influence who we are. This means that the family we were given told us a story about who we are and how we fit in this world. And that was a powerful thing. And it was supposed to be, you know, 'cause even as we've read in the text here tonight, we see that God's designed it to be a powerful, and redemptive thing. And he says, even in its most redeemed state, the family unit is supposed to reflect, as we see in Genesis 1, the fullness of who God is, which church, it's no small thing to realize that. It's a big deal. The problem, though, is that many of us have found ourselves in stories that were tarred, entainted by sin, in pain, and selfishness. And despite our best efforts, no matter how thoughtful or willful or determined we've been, to not participate in those broken narratives that we received from our family, not taking on those messages that our family spoke to us, we have been shaped by it. And what's a bummer, but a reality is that these messages not only shaped how we view community and how we view family and how we view ourselves, it is also shaped how we view God, and how we fit into his family. Which is why tonight we be remiss to talk about community and not talk about how hard it is for so many of us. Now, some of you in the streamer thinking, "Not my family, they are special." And so I just wanna hit pause on that thought. If you've got even a moment where you're like, "You know, we're pretty functional. We're doing pretty good," which might be like 2% of you. I'm not sure. It's been a long time since I've seen my family, and I have these wonderful ideals about who they are, but I know that after about 24 hours in their presence, something's gonna change in me. (audience laughing) That there's gonna be a great reality setting in about my dysfunction and their dysfunction and how it all works together. So I think after reflecting upon this great reality that we're not perfect and our families are not perfect, we could all agree that our wounds and our families, the things we've experienced from our siblings or our parents have affected how we love Jesus and how we love other people. And for a lot of us, the idea of community scares us because it awakens some of our greatest fears. Some of those old messages we heard over and over again in our family narrative. And this, I just wanna validate and tell you, I mean, sincerely that this makes community genuinely very hard. Now, for many of you, you've seen this play out in what we call affectionately the cycle of community. So let's look at this cycle together. Let's start with number one, 'cause that's what you do. We call number one idealization the honeymoon phase, right? You just got into a community, you made it through basics. It's like going to boot camp. And you feel like, now I'm really connected. I don't feel guilty anymore when they say, you should be in a community. You're like, I am in one, you're wearing the badge proudly. Really like the people who are in your community. They're fun, they might be cute or handsome, which is really helpful. And you're connecting and you're excited. And you're like, man, community is amazing. You have to get into community. It is so good to be loved and all that's genuine. None of that is disingenuous. But it's kind of an idealization, right? Things are really glittery and sparkly and it is awesome. However, that buzz kind of wears off over time, right? And people are like, how is community going? And you're like, yeah, that's fine. It's like really fine. Things are, you know, it's good. Yeah, but the reality is two things have probably set in. This is my professional opinion. One, the little something we call frustration. People start to irritate you. That's a real thing. So we are like, I don't know what you're talking about. It's you, right? (audience laughing) Is she who? Maybe people have sinned against you. Maybe they've angered you. They probably hurt your feelings. They probably left you out and they didn't call. Maybe they choose to smack their gum in your ear through the whole community time. And you're just thinking, I can't. This is sinful behavior and I can't. (audience laughing) That might be personal, but it's a reality in my life, right? And another thing happens is called fear. You start to get scared. Because the reality is when you step into community, your old insecurities, who you really are, the mask falls off and people begin to see what you're really about. And you're operating at some level in a familial role which can be hard for a lot of us. 'Cause we didn't do so well or maybe we did too well in our familial role and it causes problems. Either way, it kind of demands vulnerability and that is scary. Right, for me, it kind of plays out this way. The familial pattern thing, like I'm the baby of my family, is that you couldn't tell. And I just think it's really important that we talk about me and my day, every time we're at community. And I feel like everyone wants to. Like it's a good idea. I think it's really fun and when I come in, I'm like, I have a story about that when they're trying to tell their story. Some of you, this is you, so you need to hear me. Right, but this is how it plays out. And I leave community thinking, oh my gosh. I just talked about myself. There's this role I play in my family where I'm the special snowflake. And I love that role. And when I'm home with my family, it's awesome. We do what I want to do. And if we don't do it, I cry. And that's okay. But as we enter community, as we live out the life in a familial way, stuff comes up. So fear and frustration could be two areas where you get disillusioned. And you have a choice when you're entering in the disillusionment place. You can break it off or you can accept. So you can break it off, you can bail. You can say, listen, they don't get me, they hurt me, they don't understand me. And I can't do it. It's just not gonna work for me. I don't like them. They're frustrating and disappointing. They remind me of somebody I once knew. Probably you. And you don't wanna do it anymore. And so you can break it off and bail. Or you can accept that this is what community is. is like that it's hard, that it's filled with broken people. And listen, you can run this cycle through just about any relationship in your life. You know, your spouse, your boyfriend or co-workers. Some of you only need to run it through with your boyfriend and run that. But tonight, do that on your own time. But tonight, I want you just to take a moment, especially if you're in a bridge town community plot where you are in the cycle. And I just want to say one, well, I want to say like 19 things about disillusionment. If you're there, the temptation will be to jump ship. And I just want to say to you that this is where I believe Jesus does some of his best work. In community, we become more like our rabbi Jesus. And to become like Jesus, you have to live in community. It's part of the deal. And community is hard, yes. But it is in the crucible, the hard moments of community, that we are shaped into the image of Jesus, which is the goal. That's what we're after. So at bridge town, we're going to continually call you to that to live in community because we're mean and malicious and want you to be with Gumsmackers. No. Because we want you to be shaped into the image of Jesus. And Jesus has said, this is the way to do it. That's the call. And that's the reason. Now, now, I don't want to dismiss how hard it is. And I don't want to dismiss the cycle and how powerful it can be. Because some of you feel stuck. You're like, I'm here. And I want it to be different. But I feel stuck or I'm I really feel unwilling or unable to enter community. And so I want to speak to that. And like I said, your family of origin has had an incredible impact on your ability to enter into community. And there are four main road blocks that I've kind of identified as areas that the enemy has used to keep you and I from entering into community. First road block is a little something we call safety. I love safety. Yeah. Let me let me define what I mean by that. In terms of roadblocking blocks in community, this means we don't feel safe. We don't feel we have the emotional freedom to be open and vulnerable with other people. And that takes time. But it is a real thing. Because for a lot of us, we didn't have this freedom in the families we grew up in. We had parents who were overbearing or addicts or our parents who they themselves were afraid of intimacy. And we learned that it was better to protect yourself, to keep a distance from others emotionally, to put your walls up than to share who you really are with others. And I know it's a dream. But I also know it's a possibility because the dream for community is that you would be able to find a safe place to share who you are. And I want you to notice something. I didn't say a perfect place. I said a safe place where you're supported and accepted, where your feelings and opinions have intrinsic worth and value and you ultimately are seen and loved. This is what community is supposed to be. Now hear me if you're in the room and you are in a community. Your job is to cultivate this. Our job as followers of Jesus is to make these spaces available to those who feel unsafe because you felt unsafe before. So the call is to step in and be cultivators of these things that we're talking about tonight. Next, communication. Now that's a biggie. Some of you grew up in homes where communication came by way of passive aggressiveness. I'm a good Lord. There's not, I hate anybody else hate that. You like nice. I don't even know if that's passive aggressive but it feels passive aggressive. Where I'm like, is that a real thing? Right? Passive aggression makes me bananas. Just say it. Or maybe you grew up in homes where you had indirect forms of communication. So people are like, man, I'm hungry. I'm like, do you want to have food? What are you communicating to me? Right? Now it's a little bit less clear. But you know what I'm talking about. Others of you grew up in homes where there was a ton of direct communication which sounded or felt like a megaphone in your face all the time. Some of you grew up in homes where there was a lot of yelling or no talking at all. And the fear you associate around communication has had a powerful effect on you and kept you from connecting. An elect of connection means there's no opportunity, no chance for intimacy and no relationships. Now how you communicate and how others communicate with you will not be perfect overnight. This is a learned behavior. But it takes time and it takes you showing up. In your community you can learn new ways to communicate. It's possible. I have done it. And I keep trying to learn how to do it. It's very difficult for me. Even though I'm very verbose and very good at communication. That was a joke. The goal is that you would experience communication that brings depth into the CTA relationships. This is what community is about and for. It is a shaping experience. And communication is a vital part of that. Next conflict. Everybody's favorite. You didn't know it was a singer. Until just now. Listen, conflict. It's inevitable. It's inevitable. In any and all relationships. Hear me. Conflict is inevitable. Just a tip. If you have not had conflict, it probably means you don't have a lot of intimacy in your life. In your family, you may have come face to face with conflict regularly. And there are usually two ways people respond to conflict. And all the psychologists there are pissed in the room. I know there's a third way. But I don't have time. We're going to say it's fight or flight. Have you heard that before? So there are those people who want to fight it out. Don't you go anywhere? And then they're like, "Ah." And you're like, "My little. I'm like a rabbit." I'm like, "No, I'm scared." Because I'm the flight. I'm like, "No, let's just go eat ice cream and not ever talk about it. I feel better that way." That's my preference. The conflict is a huge deal. Because for a lot of us, conflict is meant separation. It's meant disconnect in relationship which can feel like abandonment. For others, conflict is meant war. And with war comes massive trauma, massive injury in a ton of pain. Listen, we think conflict is a big enough topic to give it its whole own teaching. So next week, Alex is going to unpack this for us. But the one thing I will say is that conflict doesn't have to signal the end of a relationship. And it shouldn't be the reason you're missing out on relationship with other people. Conflict in its best moment when you push through it produces intimacy. That's the goal. We just don't believe that on this side of it. We get afraid and scared and those old narratives come up, but God is saying on the other side of this is something better. You just have to stick it out. Fourth, expectations. Ooh, these are sneaky. Expectations are weird and sneaky because expectations for the most part lay dormant. That is until they're not met. And all the married people said, "Hey, man, yeah, I hear that's a thing." Expectations, they're sneaky because most expectations are not expressed. And when they go and met, they result in disappointment. And disappointment is a cesspool, a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness and anger and hatred. Listen, as a family and in community, every single person is coming with a set of expectations. Most of them not expressed. And more often than not, our expectations are not met. At least not perfectly. Is that to say that they're never met? No. But it is to say that failed expectations should not have the power to determine whether you stay in community or participate in one at all. Failed expectations for many have led to anger and anxiety and sadness and shame. But we have to be careful here because how we manage our expectations largely determines the character and quality of our relationships. And these things actually dictate the direction and quality of our lives. And we all want meaningful relationships. We all do. And listen, God has made us expectant by nature. But He doesn't want us to be ruled by our expectations and our disappointments. Through His Word and through His people, His family, He offers us wisdom and guidance as a form of checks and balances for those expectations. So listen, if I have an expectation that every time I show up to community, someone should hand me a chocolate bar, that just seems a little absurd. But I won't know that. They won't know that. So I'm shown up disappointed every week because no one's brought me some candy. Which I don't think is a lot to ask. My community, please take no. But if I don't show up in community and I don't say, "Hey guys, no one brought me a candy bar this week." It's sort of weird. They say, "Yeah, it's kinda weird." that you would expect us to bring you a candy bar? And then I'm like, oh really, that's weird? Because in my family, oh, we always eat candy bars, which is kind of true. Then I'll never know, right? It's that simple. Sounds funny and it is funny, but sometimes the disappointment of not getting your candy bar and you feel in the blank has had the power to keep you from what God is calling you into. And it just seems silly when we put it that way. It seems small. Okay, so what do we do to avoid these roadblocks and to enter into community? Two things, a little bit of choosing and then a lot of committing. You ready? Yeah. Listen, you're gonna have to choose intentionality. You're gonna have to decide to trust Jesus. You're gonna have to choose to lay aside your fears weekly and probably for many of us daily. And you're gonna have to choose to commit to participate in community. And it seems small, but it's a really big deal. Intentionality is half the battle. You decide ahead of time. That's what that means. Decide ahead of time that you're committed and that you're in. Decide that you're choosing these people, squirrely ones and all. Decide that these people are going to be your family and that you will be theirs. Number two, come to terms with your expectations. Evaluate what you're expecting from your community and what you're expecting people to give you and what you think it should look like. And then adjust. That's the grown-up thing to do. We adjust our expectations. Relationships, they demand compromise. And the first place to start is with your expectations. Be realistic with your expectations for individuals and for your community. There's two sets happening at work. Well, the whole community didn't show up to see my tap dance recital. I'm devastated. It's just something I would think, right? And that one person didn't show up to take me to get ice cream when this thing happened. I have different expectations for the group and for the individuals. You gotta establish healthy expectations. And remember that no one in the world on the planet is perfect. And adjusting your expectations, keeping that in mind will help you have a good balance and help you understand what you actually need as opposed to what you're just expecting. And those two are very different things. Third, choose to work hard. We keep saying it. We're gonna keep saying it. Community is hard work. On here, I recently heard it said, but I think it was like 1999, so I'm lying. I heard that we want the destination, but not the journey. And the reality is you can't have one without the other. That means there are gonna be times. When you need to press into your fears, you know that fear of someone rejecting you because you actually say something that you need. You press in. You press into your triggers. So when seasons come and you're activated and you're old stuff and you're not sure if you're thinking right or not thinking right, you press in. And when there's pain in your life, you press in. You know, someone I have no idea on the planet who said it. I'd like to say, maybe I said it. The only way out is through. And in this area, this choosing to work hard, the only way out is through. We would like to think or, you know, at least tell ourselves that we can just go around. I can just bypass this one thing and I don't have to. And I don't have to work that hard. I'm too tired. I'm in a hard season. And God, the call here is that you would press in that you would work hard. Fourth, choose to acknowledge that Jesus is ways better. And this seems pretty simple to most of us who follow Jesus, but it's actually a lot harder than we think. You're gonna come to a time if you haven't come already in your fellowship to Jesus where you have to decide, even if you're not totally persuaded intellectually that what he's asking you to do is the best thing. Simply because he's asking. His way is always better, but sometimes we have to live into the reality of that before we feel the benefits of it at work around us. So sometimes in your grown up bridges, you have to decide to do something because it's the right thing. And we have said we follow Jesus of Nazareth in his teachings, which means we know that he knows better than we do. That's what we said when we said yes to him. So choosing to acknowledge his way is better, is gonna mean you're gonna have to smush that pride in yourself that thinks you know better. Yeah, but they don't know the kind of hurt I've been, I've had in my life. And it's not fair and it should be easier. And that's where you just take that pride, you're just gonna have to chuck it. Because you're saying I am choosing your way, Jesus. You said this is the best thing for me. And so I'm gonna choose it. Fifth, choose to acknowledge your deep longing. For many of us, what we have been running from is the very thing we have been after all along. Which is honestly to be seen and known, this intrinsic human desire. And when you're able to acknowledge what you're really longing for, I promise you you will find the room to commit to getting that figured out and that need met. But we have to lay down the pride that says I don't need anyone. And then I don't have a desire to be intimately connected with someone. 'Cause no matter how hurt you've been, and I've been hurt before pretty bad. No matter how long, no matter how hard, no matter whatever the timeframe was, whatever it was, there's still something in it that says I long to be connected to another person because you were made for it. So acknowledge it. Let go of the narrative that you have to be strong and brave and you can't say that. It is not weakness but strength that declares a need. Next, commitment. Every man in here's favorite word. Just let it rest on your brothers. Come in. Come in to a broken community with broken people. Remember that those were with won't be perfect and I've said that a few times and I mean it. And we can't assume that everyone in our community has it together except us. I don't know what it is about getting a group of people like that but our brains start to get really weird and we just start to assume that everyone is what their Instagram says they are. Right, we're all like, I don't know, she went to Target and her baby had the diaper changed. I mean, I can't believe it. She looks beautiful, you know? And I'm not. I'm an ogre. I don't know what happens in our head but when we get in community we start comparing ourselves and they're perfect, they're marriages perfect. And you don't, we don't even like each other, you know, or whatever and you start to think these weird things. Your commitment is to becoming more like Jesus while at the same time realizing that none of you have arrived. If you gotta tell yourself that, do it. Honestly, sometimes I have to do that. I have to actually tell myself that these people are probably not as I imagine them. You know, like when you have a waitress who's not as nice as you'd like her to be. Start thinking of what could possibly be going on in her day. It's a reality check. Commit to broken people and while we're at it I just need to say one thing. We're committing mutually with broken people and they're not just our friends, which we think. When we think community we think this is gonna be a group of people who we really like to be around who are really fun and who like us as much as we like them and it's like this mutual exchange. But when you commit to community you're actually committing to a family. Now one day there is gonna be a big, great, I don't know if he'll be big, but there'll be a man who I'm gonna marry. That great, that's gonna be a good day. That's gonna be really good. And in one day, that day's gonna be here at some point, right? By faith we all speak that and agree. (audience laughs) But until that day, we might be engaged and he might be my fiancee. Let's just say he's my very serious boyfriend who's bought me a really big diamond. And I don't know about it, but until the day that we become engaged or we covenant one another he's not my family. My dad is my dad and will always be my dad and he is the best one of that. And my dad, he has a lot of power to speak into my life. He has the authority and the right to be in my life. But the moment I marry this wonderful man, (audience laughs) he becomes my priority. And that means that I don't bail things get hard. And it means that when things and people get squirrely like they do in family, we hang in there and we do it together. And I know it's kind of a grandiose image, but it's true. When you're committing to community, you're making these people family. And it changes things. It changes how you interact. It's so much more than people you like or don't like and people you're secretly judging behind their back or whatever. You're in it for the long haul like you are for the people you grew up with, the people, the family you were born into. It's the same thing. Number two, commit to let go of autonomy. This one seems easier said than done as well. But when you say yes to community, you're committing to putting others before yourself. A lot of what Alex said during communion. You're letting go of your autonomous life where you reign supreme as the princess of the world or prince. And you're now saying that you're committing to other people. And I know, I know none of that sounds glamorous. I know none of that sounds fun. And I know that same time all of that comes at a great cost. But I also know that the benefit of doing life together, of sharing in the goodness of Jesus and the lives of other people is better. When we think about Luke and Erica and their story about Berlin and how God showed up, how he heals her and how the family of God, how God through his people brought life and healing and hope and all of that. For those who are in community around them, don't you think they thought, man, I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good because these people are my community, the benefit, the goodness that happens in the lives of other people becomes yours. And listen, it is better than anything you could try to cultivate or manufacture on your own. Why? Because you weren't built for it. You were built. You have a capacity for so much more. But you're missing out. There's so much goodness that God wants to bring you. Jesus said, we find our lives when we lose them. We are committing to letting go because we believe there's something so much better. Now, I'm not up here tonight because John Mark and Gerald thought, man, she is the one to bring this message home. She is a pro. She's an expert. And she is so smart and pretty. They might have thought the second part, but for sure, not the first. And community for me has not come easy in some season and has come easy in other seasons. An armistual community meets on Tuesday nights at seven. And more often than not, Tuesday rolls around about 5.30. And there's something that comes over me. And some of y'all might experience the same thing. It's dark. You know, all of a sudden I'm tired and I'm exhausted. And there's a list of things that I still need to get done. There's dishes to be washed. There's bills to be paid. And if I'm totally honest, this is us, is on in a few hours. And I can feel it calling my name. And there's a million other things that I would rather do in that moment than gather around a table and share my life. I'm not outside or above the reality that it's hard to show up to a group of people who are going to ask you hard questions and challenge you to live faithfully. That is hard. But in this particular season, I have gained a new perspective. And one that I truly hope will change the way I view community forever. You've seen this past season, at least over the past few months, they have been truly some of the most lonely of my whole life. And there's a lot of reasons for that. Some of the factors that my family lives far away and that most of my friends are in relationships or married, which changes kind of dynamics of how you get your needs met. And for me too, the work that I do, it's hard to share my life with people in a way where I am equally known as I know. And a few weeks ago, it hit me pretty hard. My best friend, she was out of town. And then two of the friends who were in my community, people I see on a regular basis, were also out of town at the same time. And it was just one of the worst weeks. And I realized in that moment how much it was just weird, how much I depend on these people, on community in this particular season to legitimately, not just because it's cute to say, but feel loved and seen and known. And if I'm honest, the reality of that absolutely scared me. Because I have a lot of stuff baggage from my past and because of that, I've found a million ways to medicate and not ever have to feel those things. But because God has healed me, now I can feel the breath of the emotions that it brings out, which is very neat. It's a neat experience, very painful, very hard. But it has ultimately taught me how to speak to those around me about what I need and how I need their presence in my life, which has been a good thing. In this community I have, they are totally not perfect. We fight, we get mad and annoyed at each other. I doubt they're ever annoyed with me, but I've been, you know, with each other things get weird. And I'll tell you this, we're more than a community. We are family. And even over the next few weeks, my family is going to take me to get a Christmas tree, which may not seem like the biggest deal to you, but it is the biggest deal to me. Because during a season of my life, Christmas had become a place of great pain and disappointment. So much so that I've never had a Christmas tree on my own as an adult. And I've been an adult for like three years. So it's been a while. And honestly, I could never, I just, every, I couldn't bring myself to get a tree. Because I was afraid it would usher in the same amount of pain that I felt back in that other season. But this year, I feel really free. I feel like God's healed me in a lot of ways. And I feel like I can move into that season with freedom. And, yeah. And I have friends who know that. And I told them, I said, man, I declared, you know, it's like, I need a tree. And they were like, well, you can't get a fake tree. And I was like, that's what I want to do. And so they're going to take me. They demanded that they should take me to get a tree to cut one down like a Wolverine man. And, uh, and then they're going to come over and they're going to help me decorate it. And they're going to help me celebrate a new season in my life. Not just the Christmas season, but a new season. Family enters in and they are not perfect, but they are there and they are agents of God's healing in our life if we will let them. One thing I am convinced of, that the places in our lives, the enemy has come after the hardest, which for 99% of us is our family. The place that he has waged war since the beginning of time with Adam and Eve is the very place where God wants to bring the greatest healing and redemption. We just miss it. With Satan intended for evil, God has meant for good. This is the inheritance of the saints. My counselor, she puts it this way and she is phenomenal. Our deepest wounds and our greatest healing both come from the same place. And that is relationships. Which means that the invitation to community to you, a family is one that is meant to change you. You cannot enter community. The way Jesus laid it out for us and not find him. And where he is, there is freedom and redemption and power and life. The old and the new testament message about community is not one that ignores the reality of sin and how it is damaged what God has meant for good. They are not flippant about that. And it doesn't say that you are not going to bear consequences of people sin. It is going to not affect you. That is not what they are saying. But what they are saying is if you fail to participate in the great invitation to live life a new way in a new family, then you will absolutely be missing out on receiving the fullness of the gift God has for you. And for many of you tonight, I know the enemy keeps telling you that you are going to be disappointed again. That if you do this, you are going to be left out in abandoned and abused and mistreated. And I am going to tell you right now that is a lie. Now what people are going to disappoint you and are they going to hurt you? Yes. But it is not the same story. Because what you are failing to hear is the other side that for you in this place of community, you may find the thing that you desire the most. And that is freedom from the lie that you are your story and your story will never change. Without community, without the family of God, we miss an opportunity to meet God in deep places. And to receive the healing and redemption, we need as a people of God to live faithfully. Community, it absolutely has the potential to change your life. And to be a powerful change agent for those around you. Tonight we are asking you to step into community. If you are not in a in a bridge town community. We're asking you to sign. for basics tonight. Registration is open. That's the way you get into community at Bridgetown Church, because we believe this is the best for you. In January, we'll be doing the practices of Jesus, and I'll tell you this, you need a community in order to do that. It's not gonna work, otherwise. Today, the call is to move beyond your fears, your frustrations and your pain and your past and all of that, and none of that is invalid. But by the power of the Spirit to move on and believe that Jesus is able to create something new and beautiful in your life. Would you pray with me? This teaching was filled with so many insights and community, but one that stood out the most was Bethany's discussion on managing our expectations. On mid-expectations that we don't deal with are often the source of disconnection, bitterness, and resentment in our relationships. So as we close, let's slow down together for a moment of reflection. Take a few deep breaths. Become aware of God's presence within you. Let your body settle and your mind come to rest. I'll give you the question one at a time. Leave a little room for silence between them and close with a prayer. For our first question, ask the Holy Spirit where in my life am I carrying on met expectations? And now, is there anyone I need to forgive for not meeting those expectations? (soft music) Father, thank you for being above and beyond our wildest expectations. Give us grace today for the places where we feel let down and show us how to move forward in love towards those around us. Amen. (soft music) Thanks for listening. This podcast is from practice in the way. We develop resources to help churches and small groups of printers in the way of Jesus. Thanks to little thoughts for our show music. We're a crowd-funded non-profit so everything we make is completely free because it's already been paid for by the circle. Our community of monthly giveers. Special thanks to the egg goes to Alan from Swanee, Georgia. Andrew from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Matthew and Cheryl from Pittsburgh, New York. Laura from Bristol, Tennessee and Randy from Port Angeles, Washington. Thank you all very much. To join these friends in the circle or learn more about our resources, visit practiceintheway.org. Until next time, be the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit. Be with you all.