Comedy Crimes with Andy Daly

conan o'brien needs a fan want to talk to conan visit teamcoco.com call conan okay let's get started hey peter welcome to conan o'brien needs a fan how are you uh we're great peter um i want to get right into this because you are from framingham massachusetts which is not far from where i grew up in in old brookline massachusetts and uh where are you right at this moment at this moment i'm in framingham you're in framingham in yeah okay my office slash playroom okay cool and this is real quick we have someone special here with us today yeah he's very special uh is it me yes it is you uh please introduce our friend well andy daly who was on the podcast is joining us as well for this fan episode so peter meet andy hello peter hello andy pretty eye credible to to meet all three of you this is uh this is great a big fan of all three including a review i watched um when that came out i loved that oh conan loves this conan loves a compliment for me keep going peter keep going what else did you happen to see yogi bear the motion picture that was in 3d i'm enraged by i am enraged by anyone getting a compliment even my children but but not andy daly who uh is a true genius but um i am fascinated yes i'm very happy that andy's joining us but you sir will work for the dna innocence project and this fascinates me because i want to get away with the perfect murder one day one day very soon and this involves you andy is that what you think of when you hear the dna innocence project how can you get away with the perfect murder yes noble work conan well i know they're helping people and blah blah blah blah blah i've got to get away with the perfect murder um doesn't you just saying you want to get away with the perfect murder mean you're never going to get away with the perfect murder i'm trusting that no one's listening right now well that's fair um okay well peter let's get serious for a second this is incredible work that you do tell us a little bit about it it uh it's it's obviously this is science based but there's also uh the law are you a practicing lawyer as well yes yep um so that's what i i uh it's the it's actually the public defender's office innocence program um for the statewide um instance program so i'm a dna litigator essentially um i'm kind of uh focused on dna but there are um a few other attorneys including the director of the program who focus on everything having to do with a wrongful conviction including police misconduct um eyewitness bad eyewitness testimony stuff like that but uh my focus is is dna and trying to get dna testing to to prove innocence i mean dna is uh and the science of dna dna detection is really a godsend because um we're able to now solve these crimes and prove innocent when that wasn't possible 25 years ago is that true yeah yeah absolutely yeah absolutely it's really incredible uh how far it's come it just even in the last 10 years they've made a lot but yeah there's um there's a lot of there are a lot of cases that are from the 80s 90s that you know people have been incarcerated for you know 30 years uh 40 years and thanks to dna the discriminating power of like figuring out that one person that it is or isn't it's pretty incredible um that we're able to test those things now and get somebody out i think if you if you did not commit a murder you should not go to jail for it right and you should be let out of jail for the murder that you didn't commit it but i'm not so wait a minute wait a minute that's insane in my opinion if you've been in jail someone's got to be in prison but this is what i'm saying i mean that's space that we have built for people to be in prison you got to put someone in there i absolutely agree whether they did or they didn't do it no but i'm saying the opposite i disagree if you've been in jail for a long time you've got to you've been in jail for like 40 years for committing a murder and then it turns out you didn't do it i in my opinion they should let you out of jail however another bold take i don't think necessarily the person who did do it should i mean if you get away with something for like 40 years you should they should be able to you know just pat him on the back and say congratulations you think statute of limitations on murder it's more than that you're actually saying like you deserve something for your wiliness or something so oh so not just it's like a reward not just you don't not just you don't deserve something for your wiliness or something so not just you don't go to prison but you also get a new car a new car would be great i mean anybody could use it but i think some kind of acknowledgement that you are the top you're in the top echelon of smart people in our in our world that you got away with a murder for 40 years yeah lock somebody like that up no i i think you bring up uh a very bad point um but but this is i mean it really is what spoken like someone who's gotten away with murder for a long time that's true i'm just saying if you like killed somebody in college whatever just because a bunch of guys were out and it seemed like a fun thing to do if all these years later you're 55 years old you have a family you're successful in show business you work in comedy yeah you work in comedy or whatever and you a new car would be great anyone could use it peter did you ever think the innocence project could be so funny i mean this is the important thing um it's just good time it's good to laugh laughs are the cure for everything um okay well so here's the question what are the best ways because i do want to get some real information then back to your idiocy uh andy um but the best ways to uh what are the best sources of dna is it semen uh is it hair what are the best ones is it dna yeah just dna in a bottle the very best that i mean because it just stays around so long is bone but that's not what we really see in our work for like what we'll see in a case usually it's going to be blood uh semen those are probably hair now uh that's kind of more recent as far as people don't leave behind bone at the scene of the crimes that they commit you know what i love i love a guy who's back from a crime and he's really smart he's like well a perfect murder i well damn it where's my tibia i have to sneak back in and get my tibia i need to limp back in and put my tibia back in this leg bone sack you're telling me the bone man killer leaves one of his bones at every murder scene how is this man walking around so wait a minute you can i didn't realize bone was such a good uh source of dna for how long if you could you prove that like a triceratops killed a stegosaurus at what point can you find the bone but there's no dna uh that's a good question i don't know the answer do you agree with me that it would be pointless to put that triceratops in jail at this point and and that triceratops that triceratops should get a car yes especially made car hey that triceratops is chewing around that new nissan leaf oh you haven't heard about him uh we're idiots and we apologize but at the same time we're doing what we do and these are the murders we commit these are these are called comedy crimes um but we're right to commit a crime uh it's almost impossible not to shed something i've got a lot of hair rather distinctive hair um it's very hard to commit a crime not to shed some dna maybe even impossible because aren't we shedding skin cells all the time i know i am that was had a sexual connotation and it doesn't compute he's so proud of the skin how was the party pretty good i'm pretty sure i left some dead skin there what do you think conception is i'm sorry uh peter please continue i mean isn't it kind of impossible not to leave some dna yeah i it i mean like you said shedding so skin cells if you touch anything you're gonna leave some touch dna some skin cells back there wherever you're touching you're gonna a hair's gonna fall out saliva if you're talking um you know that could come out i just had an idea i would have myself laminated before i committed a murder fed into one of those laminating machines that does business cards and stuff so you leave no dna but a guy walks into a building who's completely laminated completely and expects away kind of hops shuffle hops in it might be a little loud um can i come in please uh no could you um kill yourself i can't like i can't move my hands uh yeah we're just shedding stuff all the time it's incredible it's incredible no it's true we just can't uh you know and and the other thing is um i guess a big problem is you the police come to a crime scene and they leave you with a dna and they leave their own dna they're eating their donuts and they're you know walking around with their nightsticks and saying move it along now move it along so they contaminate a scene so you have to make sure you you that their dna doesn't mess stuff up right yeah uh yeah absolutely blaine mentioned that that he could he had the idea of bringing in a spray bottle of blood or like a i don't know like a garden hose of semen or something like garden i was just saying if semen lasts a long time you could you potentially carry a ziploc bag full of a lot of different kinds of semen and then just throw it around hey i've got that i've been wondering what to do with it i've got nine different kinds of semen in a bag in my garage different kinds yes i jerked off a grasshopper this one's called wet velvet this one's called different strains yeah called the opal avenger i feel bad because you're doing really good work peter we haven't even let the guy talk let me let you talk because i just said i jerked off a grasshopper and um you're a really smart good man who's trying to help people and we're awful we're just awful people none of us can watch dumbo ever again or i need to see it right away pick your poison peter um uh i'm i'm curious uh and i'm desperately trying to keep this on an even keel but is the science it just keeps advancing i would guess that it's just going to get better and better and better is that correct yeah uh it is i mean there's new stuff coming out now about you know we've been able to for the last few years get something from uh seven trillionths of a gram of material and take that and turn that into a dna profile and now we're at the point where we can take you know some fractured dna and then run that through your family tree and figure out okay well this person from that family was in that area around the time wow and sort that it's pretty it's amazing stuff there's a something that fascinates me i i listened to my history i also enjoy um crime stuff i listened to a very long podcast recently about the lindbergh kidnapping and um in the 1930s charles lindbergh's son is kidnapped from the home and they got some ransom notes and many people for a long time have said the person who was convicted and sent electric chair bruno hauptman possibly didn't do it and there's one way they could really tell is if they took the stamps off of the envelopes which they still have in new jersey they still have the stamps and test that dna it might it wouldn't maybe exclude hauptman but if his dna is on one of the stamps they know that he definitely was one or the only person who uh who committed the crime and the new jersey refuses to do it why they won't they just they won't say but they just say we don't want to do it i suspect it's because what if they test it and there's a chance that bruno hauptman didn't write any of those notes they sent this guy to the electric chair i but everyone's dead yeah why not and i don't know why they do it i think they've sometimes said well we it's a historic document we don't want to destroy to test the dna they'd have to destroy some evidence but i don't understand why they wouldn't you could find out they could find out why they wouldn't do it because they they could test it today and and tell us what the answer is in a couple of weeks yeah i mean and we actually see that kind of a lot um in our work where we're kind of asking da's offices uh the prosecution offices to test something because part of the process is getting them to to agree to it or you know fighting about that in court and a lot of the time they're saying no we just we we don't think that we should yeah because basically sometimes it's we worked really hard to get them to do it and then we get them to do it and then we get them to do it and we got this person we think we have a pretty good they're in prison we don't it says it would be a naturally a frightening thing for them shouldn't be but a frightening thing for them to maybe admit oh shit he didn't do it she didn't do it that would be so they'd rather just not find out i i mean sometimes they have other reasons too like in the grand calculus of the case does it actually matter that much or not i mean in this one obviously uh um that would be helpful to know i think i got i think the question for new jersey is you know do they think that the science isn't there because saliva can deteriorate uh faster as far as a dna biological sample so you know do they think that they can use the science probably the newest science that i just was talking about kind of like um getting little fragments of dna maybe they could do but um it is something that you we we try to to fight for getting autistic just like what uh they should be doing with the envelope stamp this is why when i send a letter i use blood and semen on the stamp oh no yeah i'm not gonna help you at all oh you're right it's the worst thing i could do yeah and it also takes so much time what kind of semen though and which goes first as long as you have a cricket handy and a little cricket porn um cricket porn i show it on a little projector to a cricket oh for christ's sake we were doing so well too i know we weren't no oh you're right well no i think my oh for a second there for a second there i think we were on an even keel i'm new jersey's behalf new jersey doesn't have a lot of cool stuff you're from new jersey i'm from new jersey so you don't think they have the science that the rest of the world has these envelopes are pretty cool these are like the lindbergh baby kidnapper envelopes right because they got billy joel and these stamps and that's about it yeah they don't really have billy joel he's out there on the long island sorry you're right they don't even have billy joel they don't even have billy joel new jersey has nothing no that's not true they had bruce springsteen for a while but he just bought an island in crete and uh he's now a greek citizen so everyone's getting out of new jersey yeah his last album was all about how amazing it is in greece and they say he's lost his touch with his fans crete girl the aegean blues i mean just born in the parthas i'll edit that out no i don't think you will yes i will why you'll see no come on leave it in it's good i enjoyed it and now i was talking about it makes it even better i'll edit all this out no none of us are gonna be a trace how about you leave us and you take out peter all his good work and it's just us jerking off crickets and singing born in the parthenon um i think what i'm learning is it's just good not to be a good song it's just good not to be a good song it's just good not to commit a crime because with the science and you'd think i'd have learned that from my early christian uh teachings but no none of that stuck i just really wasn't paying attention i thought that none was hot uh but since then i i just think it's who commits a crime now because you're gonna leave people do do it oh still the crimes are still i think so yeah people do commit you sure i think so time to time our crimes of passion the predominant type of crime meditated crime just not as much a thing anymore i don't know i think it's it's still certainly a thing that's good to know still happening yeah but they're not i mean they're not thinking as thoroughly as can i you know jerk off grasshopper and then use that you know what peter we've ruined you here now they're gonna play this to discredit you in court oh my god well anyway i peter tilly believe oh you do do you exhibit a grass or cricket cricket um a cricket uh i believe we've invoked both over the course of this podcast we've spoken of grasshoppers and crickets and their semen hey you know what thanks for clearing up something my pleasure need to be in any way in no way needed to be straightened out i just love you got right in there and fixed the thing that wasn't broken just wanted to say we've talked about both and i'd like to say it again the other thing i think it would come a long way is that people now understand dna science and that it's a real thing better i mean in the oj trial it was still fairly new and you could you know there was some sense that what's all this medical science gobbledygook have to do with the fact that uh those gloves don't fit uh as well as we think they should even though he's wearing other gloves he had catcher's mitts on when they had they tried those gloves on i'm sorry i'm really getting deep into the case but i think people should know it it's up there with the lindbergh thing um i uh is there anything you want to tell us or any questions you have for us because you're an expert in your area but look at us we're an expert in oh i just remembered i just remembered who we are yeah i mean uh a big thing that i uh you know think about or encounter is i'm having difficult conversations with people all the time um you know clients that i'm trying to work with and personally i i think you know comedy and being um a little bit more lighter in conversation can go a long way, especially with somebody who's kind of living day to day behind bars. And I'm wondering if you have any tips about maybe how to bring comedy into conversations that I'm having. Oh, my God. If you're talking to someone who's been wrongfully imprisoned and they're not sure they're going to get out of prison and you want advice from us on how to make your conversations with them when they've got like, what is it, one minute on the phone to talk to you and there's a long line of people behind them? This is a good time for jokes. I think, yeah. If you're like, well, Conan O'Brien and Andy Daly told me. I've got some important information about your case, but first, a type five. I think I can get you out, but hold on. Oh, we got the evidence. We got the evidence back and something I got to tell you that's going to change your life. But first, I was talking to Conan and Andy and Matt Gourley. I don't know. I, I, I don't, I have no advice here. On this, because I feel just ashamed that I'm talking to you. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how, how you would lighten that moment. Yeah. Or even funny voices. Like you could tell them the things you need to tell them, but like in a funny voice, I don't know. Just, uh, I spoke to the attorneys. I don't know. Um, evidence came back and you did it. You have Donald Duck. I mean, have, uh, have, have Donald Duck say your semen's all over the place. And so is mine. Cause I don't wear pants. The prisoner gets off and he's crying. He's laughing so hard. And he gets back to his cell and his cellmate's like, oh, good news. No terrible news. But Donald Duck told me. Peter, I think we've changed your life forever. You have, you have. Um, Hey, uh, next time I, my brother lives in, uh, in Natick and I've got, I've got family all over Massachusetts. So the next time I'm back, maybe we'll bump into each other. That'd be cool. That'd be wonderful. I want to shed some dry skin on you. I'm going to grab a, when I see you, I'm going to grab, I'm going to keep a loofah in my back pocket. It's like a guy that put shreds cheese onto your pasta. I'm going to come over and here's a little something for you. Take that to the lab. Yeah. Plant this on a crime scene, you motherfucker. Peter, this was a delight. Thank you so much and keep doing great work. Thanks. Thank you guys. Thank you very much. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at www.siriusxm.com. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.