Come Get Fat With Tom Segura | Your Mom's House Ep. 837

Hey everyone, I have some exciting shows coming up on Saturday, November 29th. I will be in Tacoma, Washington at the Emerald Queen, Casino. After that, I'll be in Oakland, California, at the Paramount Theatre on November 30th. Tickets and all info is at TomSegra.com/tour. Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, cigars international has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day induced stress. As the industry leader cigars international enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free every day shipping, no codes, no minimums, you just buy the cigars and they show up. That's it. With cigars international's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to stock up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more or visit cigars international.com/YMH. And the discount applies automatically some exclusions apply. Ciao! Welcome to another Mamasode of your Mamas place. Ben Venido, I love your shirt. Thanks. I'm very excited. Some of you know that I've been a long time super fan of Quasos. And I tried them in any city where people go you got to try them but my all time favorites were at a place called Chinkwa Theta West in Los Angeles. I used to go there and I would buy a pizza box worth of Quasos. You did. And then I would walk around and I would give people free ones on my walk. I was like you can want one, you want one? True story. And then I would only bring home the remaining 42. Anyway, I was such a big fan of that place. I still am and I befriended the owners. And then about a year and a half ago we started talking about opening a place here in Austin. And so we broke ground and that place is under construction. It should be open sometime after the new year but in the meantime we have a pop up location. And it's at the fairgrounds downtown underneath the Wells Fargo building that's on the corner I think second and Brazos on this side and then Congress is on the other side, yeah. So anyway I stopped by today. I picked up some pastries and brought them in. But if you're listening to this show the day that it comes out or anytime after that pop up is open. Oh yeah. We're open for business. So if you want to make your way to downtown ATX and go to the fairgrounds, like I said the Wells Fargo building, you can hit up our pop up location and it's really, really good. All the pastries that I've tried are outrageous. I can't believe you, your love of the quest on was such that you brought this guy from L.A. He's from Italy. Yes. And then he's lived in L.A. for many years and he had a place there. But this place that we're opening here, I'm telling you, I was just there and they had just baked plain chocolate and then they had the pastries with blueberries, pears, they had a raisin one, they had a pacca and they had a homemade focaccia with onions, on real home with tomato and then he did pizza with prosciutto and another one with burrata. You're going to like the way you look and it's real Italian. It's from Italy. They're from Italy. So if you guys have never been to Italy, this is a taste. Dante, Luciano, they're, they're off the fucking boat man. They're sitting there, spitting their Italy into each other. Well, what's the place called? I don't know if you said the name. Did you say? It's a bomba. It's your bomba. But how do you spell that for the? C-I-C-C-I-O, bomba, B-O-M-B-A. And it means a little fat ass, little, it's what you call a little fat ass kid in Italy. Oh, a gordito. A little gordito you come to your bomba. Yeah. It's a bomba. It's about to explode. Yeah. That's really fat ass kid. That's such a sweet little thing. Yeah, it's really cool. It's so authentic too, which is what's so special because the pastries you eat here in the U.S. Sometimes you're just dog shit compared to European stuff. And here's the thing. I do really watch what I eat these days. Yeah. But if I'm going to indulge, I want it to be worth it. Yeah, dogs. Sometimes you go, oh, I'm just going to eat this dog shit pastry. And then you have the calories without the taste. Yeah. You're like, I just wasted this. It's so angry. So what I'm going to say to you guys is if you want to get fat, get fat with me. That's right. Come to my fat place. Get fat with Tom Segera. Yeah. By the way, we're going to show this footage in about six months and be like, wow, time you put on 45 pounds. Of course. I open a bakery and no fit into my shirt no more. Yeah. You don't see the danger. It's like, I even there, they were like, you look skinny today, maybe not in a few a month. No way. Yeah, I know. Oh, that's so exciting, Jean. I cannot fucking wait. I can't wait. And we have a coffee, of course, but I assault the gene, you have what you want. You have it your life. You live your life. You need what you want. You live your life. Yes. Speaking of cup of, you know, I'm drinking this coffee here and watch this. This is my new lipstick. I'm vetting the liquid lipstick ever more and nocturne. Let's see. Oh, look at that. Not a goddamn bit of lipstick on this cup. That's how strong this liquid lipstick is. It will stay the F. There you go. Own. So this is the first shade, nocturne. Oh, yeah. There's nothing on the cup. Tu to cheque. Et alliano. É mior. Christina P dot com for all my lipsticks are available and my blush, which is to die for. You're going to like the way you look, buy it now for the holidays so that you don't forget. You heard it here? Stroke that thing in four strokes. All right. Oh my god. I forgot the four strokes. Oh, we can revisit it at some point. He came in four, his penis, but his dick had become so sensitive. That's what he said, right? Yeah. His dick had become so sensitive. Oh, my bad. Oh, fuck. I just fucked this up, man. I don't know if I can stop it. Chaos. Chaos. Chaos. My bad. It's fun. It's fun. That's cool. And Christina P jitzi. Now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good water. Now, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow repulsion, I go through anger, I go through depression, sadness, and I- It's called the stages of cool. Those are the stages of being cool. But now I'm in a full acceptance of him, and I'm ready to revisit if you are anytime soon. It's going on, are you getting a text from him or something? Yeah, and he's got an important text. Don't worry about it. Is it from? I can't believe how big his dick was. It's from him. That was his brother. His brother, yeah. I know he was jacking off with his brother. Yeah, because they smoked meth, and then he's like, "I can come so fast." You don't eat Viagra, you don't eat Seattleis. You don't need Loub, you don't need to be it. No, I'll let anybody below me. That was another fun, fun detail that he gave. I like blow jobs, but I don't even care who it is. I'll come fast and become a meth. Yeah, but see, that's cool. Now I see the coolness in that. Yeah. Before I was repulsed and now I'm accepted. That's wild from you, because you really never liked it before. No, as I'm changed, forever changed. That's so cool. Yeah. Yeah. Let me see if I can find my guy here. Where is he? Oh, here he is. Yeah. Yup. There he is. If you find any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm going to tell you, forget that Viagra, forget about Seattleis, forget that dick and plants and all that stuff. Yeah. I don't know if you believe me or not. I don't. If you like to see me smoke some meth with a small lip dip. Yes. Yes. Get harder and harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. Yeah. Unbelievable. Well, on pause for one second. Oh, yeah. Did he say it doesn't get harder any other way? Yeah, it doesn't get hard any other way. Well, this completely, this is like when you see something and then you see a new layer to the painting. I go to a Kubrick film. Yeah. You go back and you're like, wow. I didn't realize he had erectile problems. He does. Yeah. He found the solution. But he has no neuropathy issues. Yeah. Well, that's your, you know, you're kind of giving away one of the big points coming up. Yeah. It becomes so sensitive that you don't need a Lou, you don't need a spear. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. - Just the head. - Just the head. - Just throw the head. - Yeah. - And the arm is very thick. - It's thick. - It's hot white, 'cause. - Yeah, we really like it thick. - Yeah. - We didn't think it would be green, but yeah. - But it's thick. And I think that's the crucial point with meth because you're very dehydrated when you smoke a lot of meth. - Are you? - I'm fed of me. Yeah, it makes you thirsty as shit. - How do you know that? - 'Cause I have family members that have done it. (laughs) Sort of got it. Yeah, you have pretty parts. - My friends can't believe me. - Yeah. - I smoke with me, he put out his dick. He jacked off in four strokes. - Yeah. - He shot the most come. He had every shot in his life. - Did he say that? - 49. And he's fine. He has no neuropathy problem. - He's fine. But his dick gets even harder and thicker. And even more come, he believes me now. - Yeah, so I think one of the things you're getting from there is that he has neuropathy issues. - Correct. - That's why he's making the qualification. He doesn't have any, you know? My brother doesn't have neuropathy issues. - God do. - You know what that is? Deductive reasoning. - Yeah. - And you said, "Therefore I have it." And that's why he chose meth to help him get hard on's. - Yeah. It's amazing that this show has been out this long and this clip and no one has been like, "Oh Ted, no one's ever hit us up about him." - 'Cause I do not believe that he is still with us on this earth. That's my guess. But yeah. - Does anybody know who this man is? - I mean, we've asked for years. I'd be very surprised if somebody-- - Oh, this and the Benadryl guy. - He's dead. - It's confirmed. - Yeah, he's dead. He died a few years ago. Benadryl? - Yeah. - Yeah, he's dead. Very dead. - I feel like I didn't even get a chance to mourn. - Where is he? - He used to have a thing. I thought. - Oh, there he is. You know, he used to do it. - Oh, there's four strokes. - Yeah. - Well, kind of looks like any. Where's any today? (laughing) - Sick. - Oh, he's sick. - Hmm. Well, here's the clip I was going to play for you. - Oh, yeah. - But you like to see it, here you go. - Can you tell me what category of fat I fit in? - So it's based on your shirt size. If you are a one or two X, you are a small fat. Three to four X, you are mid fat. Five to six X, you are a super fat. It's based on what level of privilege you have in the world. (laughing) - Well, that's based on privilege. - Yeah, well, correlates, yeah. I mean, she further explains. - Sure. - So someone in a small fat category may not struggle getting on an airplane. But someone in a mid fat or a super fat may not be able to use even the airplane extender. So that's where that comes in. And like the privilege levels of like what fat means to different people. - That's pretty cool. I didn't know that. I've definitely been small fat. And I think I've been mid fat too. (laughing) So I've had different levels of privilege. - Oh, you've had to use the, you couldn't use-- - I've never had to see, I've never had a seatbelt extender. But I'm saying, she said, based on her shirt size thing. - Yeah. - And she's only XL, double X. I think I was a three X couple of times too. But yeah, now I'm fully privileged. - Yeah, I think-- - I'm just L. - Privilege. I don't know if the, I think what she's trying to say is like levels of living you can do. 'Cause privilege to me sounds like it's unwarranted. Like, doesn't that connotate like, just because of your birth, you're born a white blonde like-- - Can I tell you something? - Yeah. - You sound like a real bitch right now. (laughing) I sound like I'm full of privilege. - Yeah, you do. - Yeah, I know. 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Turn your big business idea into (bell dings) with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com/momshouse. Go to Shopify.com/momshouse. Shopify.com/momsouse. - Well, she's saying that if you're a 4, 5, 6, X, you don't have the privilege that people who are not that size have, right? That's what she- - The opposite is true then. There is privilege to being- - No. There's privilege to not being- - Yes. - 5 and 6, X. - Oh, I know. And I have that. - And you're a fucking asshole who has privilege because you're not a 6, X. - My invisible knapsack of privilege that I carry around with me, that's one of them. - Oh, yeah, you can fucking walk up these stairs. That must be nice. You can fit in a booth, real cool. But I do think if you're heavy, there's a certain way you should dress. That's not it. - And the hair is not it. Like if you're gonna be noticeable because of your size, I would try to like make my style less vol- - By the way. - Volume, you know? - She's close to not being fat. She's not that fat. - Yeah, I don't think she's big. - No, she's like- - I wouldn't say she's. - By her own privilege. - Well, by her own list, I think she's small fat. - She's small fat. - Yeah. - Yeah, so she's got all the privilege. - You better hand over the reins to some super fat because you're not gonna be there much longer. - Is anybody there, super fat? - I don't think they had a super fat. I mean, I was just looking at the room. - Let's see. - Well, in the previous one, we saw the one who was asking. - Tell me what category of fat I fit in. - Okay, so she's small fat? - I mean, yeah, probably two X, something like that, I think. - Yeah, that's not that big. I mean, look, it's so easy to be fat. It's like, it's, god, it happened so fast. - Well, that guy on the left isn't fat at all. He's probably like, ha, you guys are fat, I'm not. - Yeah, he's like, I'm checking my privilege. - And that guy there, he's probably an ex-eller, maybe a book. - And I definitely think that crocs are a bad shoe when you're fat. Those types of items accentuate your heaviness. - Yeah, but I think they're comfortable. - Exactly. So when you're fat, you shouldn't dress comfortably. You should be less comfortably dressed. - Because you're fat. - You look shitier, here's, let me say this. - Interesting. - I was at the track meet with the kid the other day. - Yeah. - And there are people wearing sweat shirts. Universally, sweat shirts look like shit. - Yeah. - No matter if you're thin, young, old, you look like a fucking garbage bag. It's in sweats. - As Carl Lagerpo would say something who was giving up on it. - You have given up on life. So you already look like you've given up. Don't, I'm sorry, you've already given up. Don't look like you've given up. Try to reverse the trend. - That's interesting. - It's so easy to get fat. It's so fucking easy. And they're really good. - God damn it. - Every day is a battle to not be fatter. Every day, every fucking day. - It's so hard. - I woke up today and just was like, yogurt, protein, fruit, some white fucking oatmeal, bullshit, and then honey. And then I worked out and then I came home and I ate eggs and berries. It's all just like, don't be fat. - Don't be fat. - Eat this food and don't be fat. - Live longer. - And then I open a fucking bakery to get fat as fat. (laughing) I'm gonna be so fat. - So fat. We just can't go there, Jean. - I know. - Mommy, we cannot go to church. - Come on, my right-wheel. - Chase your bumble. - Chase your bumble. (whistles) - I'm Tom Choner, and I'm plus such fat. (laughing) - I'm trying to chase your bumble. - I used to be regular size, and now I'm a six X and super fat. (laughing) Do you wanna have a corneti with me? - They're so good, too. I did sample bites, and I was like, I gotta get out of here. - Of course, it's disgusting. Can I tell you to these French, where they say, "Oh, the French women "they have quest on every morning with their kapuchino." Bullshit, these bitches have two little bites, the morsel, and I'm so full. - That's kind of the key. - That's how you do it. - That's what you discover. Guess what, you're not gonna get fat if you have a couple bites. - Two bites. - You're gonna get fat if you have four whole things. -Yeah, dark. -Yeah. And if you're middle-aged, Just smelling it, you're just trying it. - I know. - You can't even, you just can't. - I could see my future when I was there today. - Oh yeah. - And they're like, this is yours, you already own it. You eat what you want. - I was like, um, I should go. - That's how I feel if I owned a bar. - Yeah. - That's lights out, like a wine bar, like a dark moody wine bar that I owned. - Oh, I've got alcoholic. - Drink the place out of this. - Every day. - And then I got ordered some hummus with that, or whatever. - Yeah. - You have diarrhea. - Yeah. - It's tapas. - Yeah, I would just order pizzas and shit, and God damn it. It just, you just can't have fun anymore. The fun is over when you're 15, the fun ends. - The fun, and when you get older, is telling people how it is. That's what's, that's the new fun, is that you get to tell people how it is, like this guy. - And kids with autism are not my fucking problem. You take care of your fucking problem. I got a managed mind. There's your fucking autism help. - What? - Take care of your own fucking losers. - Okay. - Okay. - I already have a tough enough time, handling my own shit. - Yeah. - Take your little fucking autistic kids, go fuck yourself, figure out your own fucking problems. You had that kid not me. You raised that kid not me. Nobody's responsible for reason that kid, but you take your autism, shove it up your ass. - So it's just a cool kind of well-balanced guy, a member of society. - He's in a limo, what is he in? Some kind of car. - I don't know. - He's on his break. He lit it, he backlit it. - How do you get that fired up about an autistic kid? - I mean, he's gonna be bummed when it's the autistic doctor that's saving his life on an operating table, 'cause lo and behold, a lot of those autistics are pretty fucking smart. - You think the guy's about to save his life, and then he just takes his phone, and he goes, do you remember this? I'm gonna let you die now. Fuck you. - I wouldn't put down autistics. - You're highly intelligent. - I know. - And so many facets of society. - This guy is unhinged. - This is one of the wilder rants that I've seen. - Yeah, I wouldn't-- - Fuck your kids. - I don't know, man. - Man, this is a dark one, damn. - I know. - He's really, really angry. He must post shit like this all the time. - You know what? - Okay, here's what it is. He's the kind of guy that's like, oh, this new tax thing came out. Our money, our tax money is going to help autistic kids and Rochester County or whatever, and he's pissed because his tax money is going there. I saw some stupid shit like that. Proposition five-- - The guys that go out to the council meetings. - Yeah. - And they wait in line. - That's all. - And they walk up, they go, "Fuck your kids." They're like, "Thanks, thank you for voicing your concern, sir." - That's it. He's mad about some shit that doesn't apply to him. Nothing to do with him. - Guys, I'm angry, man. - Could you imagine though, displacing your anger that hot? Actually, I can. I'm pretty irrational. - And the thing is, when you post it on social media, you really are just like, you're just yelling at his phone. - Yeah. - And then you know, you upload and you're like, "Oh, that feels bad." But I mean, you're not. All you're doing is making sure everyone knows that you're an asshole, right? That's what he did. - But is he looking at the comments and then hoping to start a fight? - Maybe. I don't know. This guy seems like he's real. This probably what fuels him is saying crazy shit like this. - The autistic kids. - You want to see someone who's also kind of off a little bit? - No lipstick on the cup. Still, bro. Pretty crazy. Check this out. This is insanity. - What do you think you lost lifetime gambling, including that $30 million, $250,000? - He's drooling. - Yeah, no, I know. How does he have that much money? - I don't know. But look, he also seems like he's like touched. - Yeah, he's touched. If he were a kid, the other guy would be yelling at him. - For I was gonna say that, but you did so that I didn't have to. - $150 million. - The bulk of that, probably to the seizure's corporation. - Yes. - The seizure's corporation. - Why do you know? - It's in two and a half years. - You know. - Yes. - Yes. - Yes. - He's just drooling thinking about gambling. - I have to say, no one. - And you were living here at the time? Or are you still kind of living in a suite? - Living in a suite? - 2000 property. - Not effective. In 2007, the seizure's corporation-- - Listen to this detail. - 5.6 of its entire gambling revenue came from you alone. - Yes. - 5.6% of their own-- - That's higher money came from Terry Wontanabi. - Yeah. - So what is he, just like a Japanese-- - Terry Wontanabi, he is an inheritance guy. Came between 2007 and 2008 at Caesars Palace and the Rio and Vegas. He was the billionaire, so lost in Vegas, that Casinos allegedly kept him wired on booze, painkillers, and cocaine. (laughing) Betting 200,000 a hand once offering 50k to open in and out at 3am. Just to feed his entourage after an all night gambling binge. After selling his family's company, Oriental Trading, his word, not mine. Wontanabi became an ultra-high-stakes gambler. He reportedly gambled almost every day, betting millions of dollars per session on Blackjack and other casino games. Casinos extended him enormous credit lines, sometimes tens of millions, and treated him lavishly with private suite staff and luxury perks to keep him gambling. He's spirals fueled by a combination of addiction, depression, and the casino's encouragement. He was known to drink heavily while gambling and later alleged that Casinos kept serving him alcohol, allowing him to gamble when even visibly impaired. He ultimately lost over 200 million, one of the largest individual losses in history, Caesars sued him over unpaid debts. He counter sued, claiming that Casino exploited his addiction. The case was settled privately. Since then, his story has become a cautionary tale about casino practices and gambling addiction among the ultra-wealthy. - So just to get this straight, he cashed out the Oriental Trading Company, which was a huge-- - It was his family, so they were like, "You now get this," and he was like, "Fuck this bullshit, I'm going to Vegas." "I'm going to go fuck everything up." - God. - Yeah. - And he doesn't have a terminal illness or anything. He's just an asshole. - He's an addict. - He's an addict. - Like all of us, like fuck this. - He's an addict. - He's a hardcore addict. - He's still drooling, so maybe he hasn't resolved it yet. I mean, maybe he's on pain pills right now. - Can you really blame the casino though? I'm curious to see what the lawsuit-- - I don't think you can blame him. I mean, I do think they probably were like, "This is wild." We got it, you know, give him another fucking tequila. This guy is-- - Of course, they were loving it. But that's what they do to everybody. - Yeah. - He's not special. - No, and then nobody could get him away from there because they were having a good time. Like if your friend is the guy doing that, you're just hanging out. You're like, "Do it again." Bet another 200 grand, you'll get it back. - God, that's a problem with being rich. People, nobody tells you, "No." - No one says no. - Nobody saying no to you. - And that's like mega rich. I mean, that's, you know, 200 grand a hand. - That's so nihilistic. - So you go through the shoe and you're like, "Whatever, I lost $4 million. Let's just do it again." It's like fucking crazy. - It's crazy. - It's crazy. - It's crazy. - This time of year can be challenging to stay on budget between all the traveling, gift giving, and entertaining. Don't make the mistake of losing sight of your finances so much that you have to choose which family members you love enough to risk your rent money for. If you want to keep your finances under control this holiday season, you need to be using Monarch. Rated Wall Street journals best budgeting app of 2025. Monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool that brings your entire financial life together in one clean interface. On your laptop or your phone and right now, just for our listeners, Monarch is offering 50% off your first year. I believe that Monarch truly is the greatest app to track your finances. It really is so handy, it's so useful. You just link your bank account information into this one app and you can see how much you're spending and on personal needs and on this, that and the other thing. And you can say goodbye to the guessing, the hiding, and arguments that start with, I didn't know we spent that much. Don't let financial opportunity slip through the cracks. Use code [email protected] in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year at Monarch.com with code YMH. - Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a car. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums you just buy the cigars and they show up. That's it. Use code YMH@Checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more or visit cigars international.com/YMH. - I don't enjoy gambling so I don't get this form of addiction. - Yeah. - I kind of get it, but I've never had the real, like I've never had the urge to really go hard. You know, I've done like a few hundred bucks, think I've bet a thousand dollars on something, but that to me was like, I mean, heart. - Yeah, I like it. - I was like, yeah. - I don't like how it feels to lose hard earned money. - It didn't hurt, man. - It sucks, like it doesn't, 'cause you guess what? - What, guys, the saying is like the customer always wins, right? - Right, that's how it goes. If you're in the gambling, the expression is you're definitely not going to lose. (audience laughs) That's how they say. - Winners win, so like you know. - I remember too, I can remember like it was yesterday. I went to, I was in Vegas, I was doing a gig. And before the gig, we went to one of the rooms to gamble, we were playing Blackjack. And I was winning and betting a few hundred dollars a hand and I won $7,500 and I was riding such a high. Like I went to the show and I was like, "That, that, that." And we got back and I was like, "Let's go back in there." And people were trying to tell me, they're like, "Don't, you won." I was like, "No, man, let's go back." And I lost what I'd want. I lost the 7,500 within minutes and then I went to my room and I stared at the ceiling for an hour and I felt so empty and depressed. And that was for $7,500, so I did I won two hours earlier. - Yeah. - And it just, it killed me. I hated it. I hated the feeling, it was so depressing. I can't imagine. - I know. - So if you're talking about tens of thousands or millions of dollars, like I can't imagine what you do. - But I'm wondering, 'cause his reaction, he's drooling and he doesn't seem to be, he doesn't seem to have that level of self-reflection. - Yeah, 200 million. - And he's like, "I would do it again if I could set another company." - Yeah, of course he's a hard- - He would do it again. - See, there's no sense of remorse. - Well, he just doesn't have anymore. But he's like, "You don't have any more money." He's like, "Oh, okay." - Okay, I go back now. I go home. - Poor guy. He's really in his suffering. He really needs himself. - I want to say that I feel like a piece of shit. Fats might feel attacked, you know, by the house. And I just want them to know that you can still find love. You can. - Can you give me a while, we in this world? - Let me see. Should I be hurting in the fall, man? - I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding. (laughing) - My boyfriend, Wendell and I have been together for six years. He slid in my deans a couple times and I ignored him. - But once he wrote me and said, "Hey, could I take you out to dinner?" I was like, "Oh, well, you should've started with that, sorry." - Yep, maybe that's how it went. - Yeah, you got it right, so far. - I was so far. - God bless black man, they love Fatsos. (laughing) Otherwise, this woman would not have love in her life. - Well, we saw a couple one time and that was a white guy. - Oh, right, a white guy with a white-- - With Lady Hicks, really. - Yeah, yeah. It was a fucking-- - It was very rare. That was something else. This global whale was beached and this guy, she was like, "Ah, Harold!" And he needed assistance. They had a crane that came out and then helped her up. It was wild. - But Jean. - Jean. Tell the listeners how long ago that was. That's before we had kids, babe. We saw that couple. - Yeah, it was over 10 years ago. - Yeah, that's how much that stuck in our memory. So that's an anomaly, babe. The, the, he was fit and he was-- - He wasn't fit, he was just a thin guy. - Okay, so he was thin, but the wife was-- - Yeah, yeah. - He was middle-aged and she was, yeah, it was like a manatee had just like kind of swam up on the shore and she, she was stuck. She was stuck in the shoreline, she was like, "Ah!" And then he was, and she was like, "Get me up!" - But I remember that he had to go with the waves and then use the momentum to get her out. And you and I were like, "What the fuck is happening?" - I feel like that's some sort of kink though, right? - I mean-- - I think the guy that is with that size isn't just like, "Oh, I find that attractive." They like the feeling of the need for them. The caretaking is part of what you get off on because you're like, this person can't do everything by themselves, like stand up from the ground. - Or you know what, now that I'm thinking about it, we were in a, was that Turks and Kekos. - It was somewhere, yeah, it was on a cruise or something. - Yeah, your parents took us on a cruise after we got married, right? Was that the one? - I don't remember. - And so we were, it was a fancy island. Like you needed some scratch to go to this island. This isn't like Margaritaville and Jacksonville, Florida. This is a real place. And maybe she had money. 'Cause I do recall, oh wait, kink. There was one other lady, we saw that dynamic in a different place too, one time. And I was like, oh, she's got to have money. She's got to be an arist. But maybe there's not so much money as that, that's what he gets. - Makes his dick hard. - Yeah, dopamine, he's just like, mm. - She needs me. I wish you had that, like, so I could just let it go. You could just take care of me. - I'll tell you something. - Take care of me. - That's not coming, so don't even worry about it. - Hey, that's out, I know it. - I love them now. - I love you, drown me, listen to me. - Oh. - Would you do that for me? - Oh no, it was just something about bigger women. Like, heavy said women that I like. I like to play with a horn, if I like to grab up on the, you know, play with a building roll, just take your chin like that. - I love it. - I love it. I feel like, okay, I'm this a whole lot. So if I get something else, that's a whole lot. That's gonna be hard. But he is the smallest I have ever dated, ever. - Hey, he's super skinny. - Yeah. - I'm guessing he's probably around, um, maybe 140 pounds or something. - Really? - And then I would say that she's probably like, probably like getting close to 500, you know? - Oh, wow. - Yeah, she's probably like around 500 pounds. - Yeah, 'cause he's like, he's like runner skinny. - Yeah, he's a real skinny dude. - He's a real skinny, that's really cool. - I like to see that. Is there, I'm sure there's porn for this. I just don't watch it. - Of course. - Of course. - Can we look it up just to carry out the fuck? - I just wanna see what it looks like for like a skinny guy. - To have sex with a really big lady. How do you even do it? 'Cause they have to do it, think about it. She can't, if she's on her back, she has to hold her stomach up. - Yeah, that's hot, thanks. - And then if she's-- - She can't get on top. - She probably can't get into doggy, 'cause remember when I was super pregnant and we tried, it was so, so fat I couldn't really do it. - I mean, she has to lay on her side. I guess we'll lay on her back if she's happy. And whoever's that big has to. - Yeah. - Because if it's too super fat, he's then-- - That's what I'm saying. - 'Cause a real big guy can't mount you if he's that big. - No, 'cause I know somebody that was married to a great big fat person, and she was normal-sized. - Yeah. - And she said they had to do it a certain way, like that too. - Oh my god, I'm gonna throw up. (snoring) - Did you find something? - You brought your rugie. Where'd you throw that rugie? - 'Cause it's making me feel sick 'cause I'm talking about this. - Did you put it on the floor like you do in our house? - No, I put it in the trash can. - I find those rugies everywhere. - There you go. - Not just masturbation. - Mm. - Mm. - Oh, okay, there we go. There's doggy style. But she doesn't seem super fat. - And of course, yeah, but she's pretty big. But that's the idea that she has to lay on her side. - These are privileged fats. I want the non-privileged super fat. - Yeah, yeah. - No, I don't buy this. Doggy style with her, she can't get on all fours. - Yeah, these are not super fatties. I want real fats. Neonah. - Oh my god. - You need a boy to help you look. - Yeah, okay, so you know what, we're good. You can take that down. Thanks very much. Appreciate it. - Guys know where to find this stuff. Lickety split. - Yeah. - Get coogured to look. Or whoever's in there. - You know who else is fat? - Yeah. - Any pet we ever get. (laughs) - Stop. - It started with my family of origin. - I know, rocket. My parents, every time, they had multiple dogs all my life. And every time we went to the vet, they'd be like, hey, so this dog's really sick. And we're like sick. And they're like, well, it's super fat. It's going to die if you, what are you feeding it? Do you feed it just like bacon? And my parents would be like, ah, ah, ah. We're like, do you walk your dog? That was my favorite. They'd be like, yeah, you know, we let him out. I'm like, no, do you walk him? They're like, we've, yeah, we've been meaning to. - Yeah, you're like, hey, you're not a good dog owner and then they would get super offended. - So mad. - They'd be like, what? We'd love these dogs. And like, no, not just the feeling you have, what do you do for the dog? - Nothing. - Nothing. - So rocket was a beagle, which beagles are supposed to be really thin 'cause they're not like greatly built dogs. They have to stay thin. But yours was morbidly obese. - Yeah, his stomach, when he sat on his hind legs, his stomach would hang to the side and on his ground. - For rocket. - And they were like, oh my God, I remember the vet being like, this is wildly obese dog. - And then I remember one time, you went with your mom to the vet and they're like, he's wildly obese. And then you go, should we put him down? - Oh yeah. - In front of me. - She got so mad. - So mad, to me, no, to me. - What? - And the place he's, he's dying. He's dying 'cause he's under your care. And then, then we got Bitsy. Well, hold on, back it up to rocket. So rocket was also, in your family's defense, a shitty dog. Meaning, that fucker was licking dinner plates. Like your mother would clean off the dinner plates, put them in the dishwasher and you'd be like, "How? How? How?" Licking those. And then he was one of those dogs that would get up on his hind legs and eat anything that was on the counter. - No, and they didn't train, they've never trained a dog. So their dogs, all the dogs always misbehaved. and you're like, this is horrible. And then she would say, like, oh, you don't like dogs? Like, no, no, no. You're supposed to train your dog. Like, you can train behaviors. - You can train them to not, to do that. - You can train them to not all be chaotic at all hours jumping out. Like, you can train them if you actually spend time doing that and they were like, what? So the dogs are always just like, it's always chaos. - Fairl. And then they're constantly barking anytime someone rang the door. - Phone rings or a fucking, yeah, a win-chime blow. - Aroh. - These are dogs who just go in case. - But then the dogs bark and then your mother and your sister and everybody will go, shut up. - Yeah. - Shut the fuck up. - Yeah, you're like, that's not how to train a dog. - So it's a cacophony of like, ding dong. - Aroh, aroh, aroh, shut the fuck up. - Here's a steak. Yeah, yeah. It was just chaos, dude. He was fat and even the dog was like-- - And useless, so useless, dude. - That was like, you could feed him like green beans. - Which is money as he wanted. - Yeah, and then she did it for one day, remember the day. They're like, yeah, he ate a bowl of green beans, and I'm like, well, he's allowed to. That's cool, and then the next day they were like, we gave him his treats, it was good. - Well, that's the thing, he was a treat-hound. So they let him do his duties. - Yeah, just let him do that. - Okay, so flash forward to Biscay. - Biscay was our-- - Feef was never obese. - No, he wasn't. Biscay though got fat with us eating too much. And she's a little tiny brussels. - A brussel is good fun. - But when we had to give her to my mother-- - Oh yeah. - Because our youngest has a very high dog allergy. Biscay wanted to die and she starved herself. - It's true, the dog hasn't eaten anything before. - Yeah, and we were like, oh, it's the truth of my mother. Like anyone that spends time with my mother just loses the will to live. - Starve it wants to starve themselves to death. - What's going on? This dog was fat, and now it's like bones and it's like-- (laughing) - It gave the dog anxiety and was like, "Hi, I can't do this." - Literally, the dog got ill. - Yeah, we're like, whoa, this has never happened with us. - No, Biscay, sweet little Bitsy was the opposite because we had two babies at the time. I remember the babies in their high chairs. You know, kids spilled half of their food on the floor. So Bitsy was there licking up, which is fine. I was too tired to clean up macaroni and cheese from the floor. So I was grateful that we had her do that. - That we had a vacuum, a dog vacuum, yes. - Let her do it. - So that was Biscay, and now she's barely hanging on. She's skin and bones. - Yeah, well she gained a little bit. - A little bit, yeah, yeah. - But she still is like, "I don't want to live." - She doesn't want to live with your mom. And I wish we could take her back, but I had Julien's blood tested again. The doctor says, "No, boy, no." The allergies are out of control. Can't do it with the dog. So we have one cat, Munchy, and then of course, about a month or two ago, we adopted another cat, 'cause I'm mentally ill, and so your son, LSTO, and we, and the kids, and we love him, and I'm gonna throw up. So here's my problem. Let's see, maybe we can figure this out together in real time, since we never talk about this. We don't have time to talk about this at home. Are you ready? So here's the problem. I got, here's why cats are great. Everything's automated. The litter box cleans itself, and then I got cat feeders that automatically, so that they're not mowing at you at six in the morning for their meals. Okay, so it's automated. The little guy needs to eat a certain amount. The big guy, Munchy needs to eat a certain amount. So there's Biscuit, who's the kitten, and Munchkin, the full grown cat, okay? So what happens is the food gets dispensed at the same time right next to each other, and now it's a free-for-all, and who's gonna win eating the food? The big guy. So now Munchy is two pounds overweight. Which in cat weight is what, 30 pounds? That's a lot. He could tell, he's big boy. Yeah, he's super, he's a super fat. You're like, "Oh, it's a cigarette pet." Yeah, exactly. So what do I do? I don't wanna lose the automation. 'Cause I'm not, I don't wanna wake up to mowing. What the fuck? I gotta separate them. You're not asking the right guy. I don't know what you're gonna do. You guys know how to do this, because the kitten needs to eat. The cat needs to eat. I think the answer is gonna be one that you don't like. Which is me feeding them. Fucking separately. In separate rooms, yeah. And then what, eventually the automators, I can do once Munchkin's weight is stabilized, and they get used to eating in these areas. And biscuits a little bigger, so. You can fight off Munchkin. Fuck off, that's mine. 'Cause right now he's like, "Oh, okay." Poor Biscuit. And the little biscuit is just like, "Okay, I guess we can eat mine." So cute, and he breast feeds on me constantly. But if you want. It's, if you had a cat do that? Oh my God, so he does biscuits, which is why we call him that, biscuit. But then he starts sucking my shirt. Yeah, it's really sad. It's the saddest thing. It's the saddest thing I've ever seen. I know. Yeah, he's just like. Every night. Like sucking on a sweatshirt. (laughs) And I'm like, babe, this is the wrong mom. I kinda did it. He's like, "I'm fucking, I'm sick of doing this." He like tuckers himself out. Yeah. He get milking out of this bitch for a month, yeah. Yeah, and then he gets full, and then he falls asleep. But I've tried getting the bottle feeder, 'cause I was like, "Oh, maybe he doesn't know how to, "he won't latch on to that." You want to put the bottle feeder through your shirt? That's what I'm trying, and I've done it. Really? That's what I've said I've tried, but he doesn't know to suck that. And now I got cat breast feeding issues. I got a morbidly obese cat. I got two hamsters that won't fucking die. They're not dead? No. God, I thought they were dead. I've been waiting patiently. Why don't we give them two biscuits? I will fucking love that. I'll let them just see what he can do. I would love that. 'Cause the hammies, everybody was like, they're gonna die within like two months. It'll be easy, and then they just keep living. It's been a year and change. I know. And I'm like, "Fuckin' die, dude. "I don't wanna pay for this anymore." Fucking hamsters. They suck, they hate us. Every time I put my hand in there, they want to bite me. And it's my fault, I'm a shitty owner. Yeah. I don't fucking train it. Get 'em to my home. Give 'em to my mom. They'll be dead in a week. Jane. Mom. Dude, this is such a great idea. We got it. Brought. We got it. Early Christmas present. (laughing) Hi, Tommy. There's a hamster. How am I supposed to? She has dogs over there. Couple crazy ones. You really eat it. Yeah. That's a fun, fun plan. You know, we should do, dude. Put it in one of those balls. Mm-hmm. Yeah, the exercise balls. Yeah. And then she'll be like, "Ah, I'm so jory." I love these. Take it home. Yeah, take 'em. Take 'em. Take 'em, give 'em an eating disorder and then bring 'em back. Yeah, the hamsters are so well fed, well taken care of. They're not dying any time soon. I got something you're gonna love. Oh, like you can like the way I look? Yeah. Yeah. My ex boyfriend loved it when I farted right in his face. And I don't mean just like a little like two. I mean like, what loud question? Of course. He loved that. He loved that. Pretty cool, huh? Or he loves you putting a video out there about that. Yeah, everyone knows who your ex is. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, I've been waiting for this my whole life. You know. I'm not into it. I'm not into it. I don't know why. It sounds really nice. I imagine it'd be a win-win for you and me both. Oh my god. It's not a win-win. It's not a win-win. What if I was into your smelly stinky farts? Would you be okay with that? I have never farted in front of you. Let's see that. I've never farted in front of you. I'm never gonna break up. You're such a liar. No. Every day of my life, I woke up yesterday to the sound of you irrigating your asshole with a toe toe, because you ran it on multiple. Yeah. That's not my farting though. That's cleaning myself. Yeah, I know. But then the farts that came after, I hear it all the time. If you get up to push in the middle of the night, and then I push and then back. No. No. Fart come machine, that's all you want, fart come, used to be food but now it's just farts and come. Okay. And sweat. I'm working out, babe. I'm working out. Hey, I take good picture. It takes you to June. Kettlebells. Kettlebells. I gotta do my cold punch. I'd be cold plunge. Not today. Did you even plunge, bro? No, I didn't. Fucking loser. Fucking dumb bitch that I am. Yeah. What about sauna, do you fucking. I haven't done it today. You call yourself a fitness guy? No, I don't. You're not even fit. I'm, I'm just trying to be less. You're hyper barracks? No. No, did you? Not today. Okay. Good. Yeah, but I'm just trying not to be disgusting. I'm trying to be fit. Same. That's the goal. I'm not trying to be fit. I'm trying to be not gross. No, you're into like fit CEO mode now, where you want to look like fit CEO mode? That's the new thing. It used to be fat CEOs and now everybody's a fit CEO. That is a thing. You're a fit CEO guy now. That is a thing. Yeah. It used to be just, the thing is, the boss would just be like, "Oh, I'm a pig. I'm the boss." You earned a privilege. Yeah. All the CEOs of the 80s and 90s and even early 2000s, you're like, "Oh, that pig? That's the CEO." You know, the guy, "Oh, I got 90 million in stock options." He's like, "Hello." Yeah. And now they're just like. Everybody's jacked. I mean, the Bezos one is the best transformation ever. That's the best one. Because it really is, if you were like, "What happens if you give a fucking dork? A hundred billion dollars or whatever." And then you're like, "Oh, you can see that now." He was thinning hair, just kind of like. Can I see him before? Because I don't think I know anything. Oh, it's amazing. It's amazing. Yeah. There he is. Oh, I like him better as a dork. That's him. I like him much better as a dork. I don't like fit CEO. Oh, I like him better as a nerd. Style. He's got muscles. He's got the veneers. Thank you. -Yeah, look at that. -Bays us before the billions, reading his book with his fucking brown weave belt. -Yeah, love it. -Now, he's on a yacht. -Babe, you need to get Veneer's next. -Tell no. Those guys are the craziest. -Well, that's what he did. I mean, he got Veneer's. -Yeah, he looks insane. Look at that, look at that 98 photo. -I know, he's a terrible-- -I know, he's just a sweet guy. Like, hey. -Hi, everybody. -You like books? -You want to have one shipped to your house? -I'm Jeff Bezos. -He got a new idea. -Oh, he looks so-- he does look so sweet. -I know, and on the right there, he's like, look at him. Jesus. -And now he's a tough guy. -He's like, we can kill people. That's fine. -I know. Jeff, I like 1998, Jeff. -Sweetheart. -Because you come up to you, and you be like, hey, Christina, you try to talk to you. And you be like, "I notice you wore your shirt with hearts on it today." -I know. I'd be like, thanks, Jeff. -Yeah. -Fucking dork. -Now, he's fucking plowin' puss and just buying-- -Well, he's only plowing one puss, so you got married, which is, I think, a big, stupid move when you're this wealthy, and he's been married his whole life, and then he just got remarried again. -He likes her. -You got to go plowin' hoes, right, babe? -I mean, you would think so. -But anyway, my stepdad, my Indian stepdad, his whole thing was like, yeah, I got rich in America, and now I can get fat. That's what-- that's the whole point of being rich, is being fat and shitty, and enjoying food, but now it's the opposite. -Zuckerberg, another one. -Oh, yeah, he's a dork. Let's look at him. -Big fuckin' dork. And then now, he did it also. -Let's see, I haven't seen him fit. -Yeah. -Oh, my God. -He's still tasty. He does need to get a spray tan if he's gonna-- -Oh. -Yeah, but look at that. The hair, the beard, his whole steeze. -Oh, he did like-- -He did a fake facial hair. -It's fake? No. -Stop. -No, that's gotta be AI. -That can't be true. -That's hilarious. -And his fake facial hair. -He looks great, though. It looks so much better with facial hair. -He looks so much better now, pure-- -Yeah. -Everything. -Yeah. -Because he had no eyebrows before, his creepy haircut, bad haircut, bad teeth. -Why does it say that it's fake facial hair? -Does it-- -I don't know. -It's restricted. -Okay. That's really insane. But yeah, he was-- he was that guy. See the right-- yeah, that's the photo. -Yeah. -I like the gray shirt one. -That was really him. -With his little bitch dits. -For so long. Or him in the suit right there. -Yeah, that's fine. -That was him. But now he's going surfing. And he does jujitsu. -I know. -And he just-- he leveled up. His glow up, I guess you were saying, right? -But the thing is, too, if you're a CEO, like, you don't have a lot of time. So these guys have to wake up at like 4 a.m. and do that whole thing. -I'm sure he has a pretty crazy schedule. -Yeah. -From Hoodie's the high fashion. Yeah, he's-- -He did it. -He did it, man. -Yeah. -He's definitely cool now. -Oh, no. -He's getting leather jackets. -Oh, no. He's doing the cool writing shirts. -Yeah. -That's cool writing shirts. -You know, the-- -What is that called, like Tom Hardy? -Is that a gold chain? -Yeah. -I can't see it. -Yeah, right? Like, wasn't Tom Hardy the official douchebag brand? -Yeah. -Ed Hardy. -Ed Hardy. -Tom Hardy's an actor. -What is he-- -Yeah. -Port Tom Hardy. -Tom Hardy loves jujitsu. -Oh, sorry, Tom Hardy. I meant, Ed Hardy. -Look at the progression one there, the-- -Yeah. I liked-- oh, wait. I liked the intensity of the autistic nerd. Oh, and '04. Like, I like when he's kind of a pissy nerd. Pissy nerd is hot. It's when you try to be nice nerd that you suck. -Yeah. -Like, he was a mean nerd. Like, I liked him in the Facebook movie. -Now, do you have an issue with Elon being super, super wealthy and then also out of shape? Because I think it's inexcusable. -Oh, shit. -But it's kind of what we're saying. Like, that's the point of being the CEO of the world's richest guy. -Yeah. -Right? Because what's he look like right now? It ain't good. -No, it looks like hot shit back. -Yeah. -What is it? Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. -In a five pound bag, yeah. He totally does. -See, here's the good thing. -And he tries to hide it, you know, with, like, clothes and the way he sits. But look at that. [laughs] -What the fuck is going on? -But here's why this works for him. -Yeah. -He is so disliked right now. -Yeah. -That that is going to be in his favorite. That makes him likeable. He's majorly like dissociative, like, he is a totally well on the spectrum. Like, he doesn't-- -Oh, he's full circle back to our first guy. -Oh, yeah. -Yeah. -Who doesn't like to take care of the autistics? -Yeah. -He's not-- it's crazy, though, like, you should-- -No, he looks like shit. Hot shit. -And that's the thing is, if you have all those resources, like, why-- -I agree. -Why? -You can afford a chef. You can afford a trainer. -You can afford everything in the world. -You've got to do it. -You can have every meal just kind of go, like, here you go. This is what's healthy. -There's no excuse. -So, wait, is he doing well now? Is this what this is saying? Because I just saw a clip of him and it didn't look good. It didn't look good. -He is so hateful. -Mr. Rocket, man. -Everybody hates him so much. -I know. I can't believe that people like him-- -Just suck. -I find him highly unlikely. You know? I find him to be one of the least likable human beings on the planet. -I know. -I admire him. I feel like they'd give him-- -Look at this fucking-- -Suck, so mad. -Here's the problem, though. Could you imagine being on vacation and then having paparazzi snap those ghost-- -No, it's horrible. -I know it's horrible. -That sucks. He didn't want that. -Yeah. -Sucks. Okay, wait, but I do want fit Elon and I want tatted Elon. I want him getting sleeps. That's the next step. -You know who I respect. They're look wise. -I've always liked Larry Ellison's look because he looks like, "Hey, fuck you." That's what his look is at all times. He has contempt. -I love it. -Yeah. -Smug. -Smug, rich guy. -Smug, smug. -Yeah. -And it's fantastic. -Yeah, this is what Mr. Burns was in the Simpsons. If you're going to be a rich guy, be a rich guy. The problem is you're trying to be a likable rich person. Nobody likes you. Nobody fucking likes you because you're too rich. -Now, Larry loves Elon and he's been super rich for so long, but he always has that look of like. -It's so funny. -It's so good. You know who I always liked and who was severely out of shape and ironically, Tommy Lasorta? -Oh, yeah. -I loved the Los Doyers, yeah? -Slim past. -Yeah. -Tommy Lasorta, was he the coach for the Doyers? -The manager. -Yeah. -The manager. -Yeah. Look at him. Look at this pushy right there. -Such a piece of shit. -Yeah. -I just love. -Yeah. -He died at 93. -Yeah. Italian. He loved to eat. -Yeah. -He loved Tommy Lasagna and that's what they used to call him. -I might have something in LA. -In LA. -He's one of those guys who was like, look, fuck it. I made it. I'm going to eat. I'm not going to try to be fit. I'm a baseball guy who cares. -Let me see if I can find this because I think you're going to get a real kick out of this. -He was known for being fat in the 80s and the 90s. Tommy would do the slim fast ads because people knew how fat he was and he couldn't control his weight. -Correct. -Because he would yo-yo and then they're like, why don't you just do slim fast commercials? -He was up and down. He would do that. -He would do that. -Yeah. -That's what he was known for. -With me. He'd lose weight and then he'd open a bakery. You got to do the volume. -Stop the weight. -I don't give a fuck. -I don't give a shit, doggy. -Well, I may be wrong, but that's my goddamn job. I'll make the fucking decision here. I'll make the fucking decision here, okay? I missed it. -It just kills me that we don't get to hear this on the broadcast. -Now. -And see. -I'm making a fucking decision. -Keep your fucking mouth shut. -I told you. -I mean, I love ten. -So great. -You're talking about it in my fucking office. -Okay. -You're good. You could take it down. -I love ten. -I love ten. -You're good. -You're good. -You could take it down. -I love ten. -I love ten. -You're good. -I love this kind of stuff. -It's so great. I know. -But see, this is it. If you're going to be that guy, just be an unlikable piece of shit. -Do it all the time. -When you try to be likable, this is. -Well, the funny thing about him is that he was beloved. -Beloved. -And in public, he was like, "Hello. You know the Tommy Lasorda? I've told you this before. When you're cat, you know, Jewish people have a bar mitzvah about mitzvah. When you're Catholic, you have a. -He's here. -No. What's it called? -Comformation. -Comformation. -When I had my confirmation, there was 15 of us. We were in the small town in Florida, and the person that gave our like confirmation speech was Tommy Lasorda. -That's right. -Because the Dodgers used to do spring training in Virgo Beach. -So lucky. -They're like, "All right, y'all are Catholic adults now, and to, you know, welcome you into adulthood, here's Tommy Lasorda." -Buck, yeah. Tommy Lasorda. -God, you're so lucky. You got him. -Yeah. It was great. - Pretty cool. And then you could tell that eight of them were like, who made this out there? - Idiots. - Who this guy? - I grew up in LA. I never got Tommy LaSorta to talk in my school. - I am so wild. - So unfair. - It's pretty crazy. - The guy's a legend. - He's a pretty cool dude. - I miss him. - You miss him? - I just miss guys like that that are like, I want peace of shit. Like everybody's fit. Everybody's perfect. Everybody's striving for excellence. There's no sense of like, yeah, you can be excellent, but maybe you fucking hate yourself too. - And that's okay. - Maybe you're a fat piece of shit. - And that's okay 'cause you're not there yet. Like not in this life dude. You're just gonna be fat and shitty in this life. That's okay. - Speaking of people who can't read social cues well. - Me? - No. - We were just talking about that. - Sorry. - Was I talking too much? - No, no. I mean, you're a little dodged. - Oh, I was dashed down, yeah. - Yeah, but this guy. - That's, basically. - I just had a business discussion with the people that need to hear it. So, whatever you want to say, please. Proceed. Yeah, I'm dressed up. - Dressed up? - Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, I got tattoos. Yeah, please keep on going. - That's it. That's the whole video. I don't know. - Is he, oh, so he's practicing for a business call? - No, he did one. He did his business call and he's telling you that like, I just had a business discussion and you know, just keep talking. This is funny that he's like, this is dressed up. - I know. He's got two crosses on. - He's doubly Catholic. - Yeah, that's a weird doubly. I've never seen a doubly cross. - I got to keep talking. What's going on? - He's like a teenager. He's trying to show you how cool he is. Can I tell you something? - Yeah. - He'll talk. - Oh. - If there was TikTok. - Fuck. - If there was like this stuff. - I hated that. It was so much. It's not fucking doing that. It was awful. Hate it. - Hold on. Can I talk to you for a second? - Is that making so much noise? - If social medias existed when I was a teenager, do you understand how embarrassing my shit would've been? - All of us. - All of us. - All day, I would be like, welcome. You know, I would just have done the most, the gayest God stuff. - Yeah. - So he's too old to be doing this. Is he wearing a bald cap or he's really bald? - A freak. He's really bald. Yeah, of course. Yeah, he's touched. - He's too old. - Yeah. - Do you think he's TikToked? - Yeah. - He isn't looked touched in the face. - You can tell by the way he communicates that something's not happening. Not every, you know. - Should I pay for him? - Perhaps his father. - I'm not a pay for him. His parents should pay for him. He's autistic. - Oh, that's right. Yeah. Fucking guy. Fuck you and fuck your kid. Yeah, it's pretty cool. - That was loud in my ear. - You deserve it for everything I've been doing. - Oh. - Oh shit. - Holy shit. - Holy shit. - That was great. - That was great. - Oh my God. - I like that. - That bounce, a bat bounced from the windshield right into his face. - Yup. - Yeah, he's fucked up over that. - Yeah, that is fucked up. - Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ. So there's a guy that is scaling a wall that he shouldn't be. And there's not a lot of ledge there. And then he falls. - I don't want it. I don't like it. Look at that knee. - No, I don't want to look at it. - It's just right there. - Nope. - It's right there. It's frozen. It's frozen. Just look. - I don't give a fuck, mate. - Mate. - You want a fuck and see it, got me? - God. - Yeah. I don't want to. This reminds me. - You look at it. - No, I don't want a fucking look. I'm going to puke. Why do you have to do this? Why do you torture me? - Because I want you to feel stuff. - I don't love you. - Okay. Check out this next one. - No. - Next one. - No. - But you're fucking bone down. - No, I want to plug something for my friend. Just let me find it. Okay. - Speaking of mites, Connor Swindles, friend of the show, British actor, has a movie on Netflix. I believe that's dropping today actually on November 19th called Jingle Bell Heist. Check it out. He's a mommy. - Okay. - He's really sweet. - He is very sweet. He's a very good actor. He's done a bunch of shows. So the Barbie movies. - Aught choice in placement of the ad. But yeah. He's a great. - Because we are doing English acts. - I know. I put it together. I put it together. - I fucking hate him so much. - You know what Jeff Bezos? Shut up. Shut up. You're just as bad as him with your fit comedian. - Oh. Oh. Fuck. Holy shit. - Holy shit. He might not be able to talk anymore. Holy fuck. - Holy shit. - You get a helmet on. - Yeah. That's not going to help your neck. He hit that so fucking hard. - I hate the segment. - It's the best. It's the absolute best. This is why they watch Shane. This is what it's like. - This is not what they watch for my TikToks. Everybody knows. - I hate him. - Oh. - Oh. - Oh. - Oh. I've been waiting for this clip my whole life. - I like what someone's just like. That guy's like, come on man. - That's India. So they're all like, okay, big deal. Move along. (imitates gunfire) Look. They know my fuckers stop for you when you die in India. - Look. - He's not dead. He's okay. He's okay. We check. - And he said he's okay. - His full bounce off the dirt road, whatever fuck he is. - Yeah. - Calcutta. He's dead. - I don't think he's dead. I think he's dead. - I love how no one gives a shit. Look. The guy's not even looking his way next to him on the motorcycle. That's how little life matters. - It's a lot of people, man. - A lot of people. - Yeah. You got to care less. You have to. - No. Yeah. And even if you do go to the hospital, good luck with that. - You think so? - That's not going to be good. Well, fuck no. No way, dude. I don't want to go to the hospital in like second world shit. Like in Budapest, Hungary and the 90s, you didn't want to go to the hospital. - Yeah. - And that's. No. There's no way that's a good such. - I mean, they have to have good hospitals. They have to. There's too many people. - There's no way. - There's no good hospitals in India. - In India? - Yeah, of course. - In India. - I'm not saying every town. Like you don't think Mumbai has a decent hospital. - Maybe, yeah, maybe, maybe. Yes, maybe. No, I'm like. - Yeah. - Maybe when next to the four seasons. - I mean. They have one. They do have a four seasons. I've heard. - First of all, who are the best doctors here? - But they come here, brew. - Yeah, but some don't. - They get their degrees here. - And then? - Not that broad. (laughs) - I don't think so. - Yes, they do. You cannot practice medicine. - Yep. - What are you talking about? - In America, unless you pass the American thing. - I know, but I'm saying that there's still got to be excellent medical care there. - Sure. - Of course. - I don't know. - I do have some racists. - I know, this is terrible. - I just don't trust it. It's not, it's because my stepdad. My stepfather told me so many awful stories about this country. I have so much sadness for them. It's that terrible town. - Yeah, I don't, I don't think it's as bad as you're saying. I think it's actually-- (imitates car engine) - There's a COVID image. (laughs) - You don't think, come on. (laughs) - Just actually write how good are the hospitals in India? - (imitates car engine) - Nope. - This is not gonna be good. - I think good. I think it's actually, there has to be good ones. - Oh, dude. - They have open defecation. - It's so many people, though. They can't just have poor medical care in a nation of a billion people. I don't believe that that's-- - I just think you're too American. - See, it varies significantly between the private and public sectors. Top tier private hospitals offering good, good, good, good. - Okay, so go to India for if I can appendicitis. - I mean, you don't have to be so goddamn crass, Christine. Okay, there's people there then they need help and they're getting it. - I hope so. - Okay. - Look at all of the Indians. - You know what you need to do? You need to get on a fucking dating app. You need to meet somebody. Do you want me to tell you how to do it? I'll tell you how to do it. - What's up, Niggas? I have a way to fix dating apps. - Number one, ban Indian men. Number two, ban fat women. Number three, ban single mothers and their baby daddies. - There you go. - Well, let's just got it figured out. - Yeah. - I don't seem so bad now compared to her. - Well, that's why I played it to help you. - Thanks. - Yeah, she's, and also the confidence. - Yeah, she said it dead-faced. - Dead and just ready to go and she's just like-- - Take it away. - And that's how we fix things. - I'm sweating. - Does she post stuff like this a lot? - Do we know this, broad? - I don't know. Her name is Brittany Venti. - I don't know her, dude. - It says that she's a biological black woman. - Okay. - Is this true? - I don't know, it should. - Is that her? There she is. I am a biologically black woman, but the black community revoked my card. That's a strange angle. doesn't fit into the community, maybe. - Yeah, I thought that was Neon's profile. What is this person? - I know. - She's pretty though. - Yeah. Is that you? - A lot of pictures alone. - No, not black. - Oh. Do we have TikToks? - Do we have time for them? - Mm, we can do a couple. Let's do it. You ready? - Yeah. - Here we go. (laughing) (sniffing) - Okay. Oh my God. (sniffing) - I just don't do the move. - Yeah, that's exactly right. - I just don't do the move. - Because there's an age where you go, I can't do the move anymore. - That's okay. - And he just was like, (laughing) (sniffing) - Oh. - So slow and embarrassing. - I think you have to be like, yeah. - I know, that's how I feel watching Madonna dance now. - It's all bad. - I really don't. Just don't try to do the same exact. - Yeah. - Do something different that you can do. Do what you can do. - Oh my God. - Yeah, you can do the same exact thing you did when you were young. - Oh, here's here. Is there another mic trick here? Let's see. (laughing) - Oh. - Oh. - That one was okay. All right, he spun it. - Yeah. - It's a cordless mic. - Uh oh. Uh oh. - He's like. - Ah. (sniffing) - I can't tell if that was intentional. - Yeah, that felt like I'm gonna fall and then act like I was trying to fall, you know? - That's what I would have done. - Yeah, that's what I would have done too. I'm like, (laughing) - Yeah. - Down here now. Somebody rushed up, like, you okay? - No, there's no way he meant to fall down. - Who did he throw that to? - Side, some stage hands. - Jesus. - He's like, oh Jesus, he's throwing the mics. - Throwing the mic stand again? - Yeah, you break that. I have to fucking fix that again. That's a wireless. It's gonna be a problem. We're placing that shit. (laughing) - That's good. - As you go off, you see this blur of green and blue in the background. 'Cause you're going really quickly. And that's when I came to a sudden stop in the air. That was my safety harness. We're actually snapped. Both of my eyes underwater. Seeing all this murky, brown, bubbly stuff. So you can't really see anything. It's like being in a washing machine. You don't know which way's that, which way's down. Originally I was looking at going to Europe, and then I remember that it's actually cold over there. So I decided I'd head somewhere a bit warmer. I started off in Egypt. So I spent two weeks traveling around Egypt and then headed down to Zambia from Malawi, where I was starting. - This is as long as fuck. Is this person's life story? - That's fine. It's fine. - I just meant for that, or she gets snapped. - That was horrible. Then she was like, it's my safety harness, and then that snapped. - Yo. It's just like, then he's in the water, and he's washed around, like he's in a washing machine. I'm like, duh. Really, yeah? - I don't know what's up or down. - Yeah. - That's cool. - I mean, I never bungee jumped. Did you ever do this? - Never. I've never bungee jumped down. I never trusted the equipment on that one. - It was never of interest to me, really? - No. Me neither. They tried to get me interested. People were trying. And I'm like, I don't. - Try. - I don't think so. - I don't think so. - Nah, dude. Fuck, I'm fine too. ♪ Living yourself for a shining star ♪ ♪ That away from you will never be gone ♪ ♪ Every step you take ♪ ♪ You're riding your soul ♪ ♪ Leaving yourself and you will be strong ♪ - I love this song. - Do you? - Yeah. - It's a nice studio too. - Yeah, of course. She's been, Claire Alexander has been blowing up fucking. - Bye, Claire Alexander. Yeah, congratulations to Claire on your new hit. - Yep. - She's great. - Yeah, I love you. - She's been plugging it and really working it. - That was your best line I've ever seen. Just, she's great. (laughing) - Well, she's been selling CDs. - Good. CDs are popular these days. - And, you know. (upbeat music) I'm sensing a theme to this batch. Do you guess what it is? - It's awesome talent. - Yeah, talent. That's what I was gonna say. (upbeat music) - What do you think her dance moves? (upbeat music) - It reminds me of older Chinese people in the park. - Oh, yeah, I know you're talking about it. Do they're Tai Chi? - Okay. - All right, buddy, let's see if he can fly today. - Oh. - Oh my god. - It's actually working. - Look at him, he's present. - The weirdest thing I've ever seen. All right, bring him down, gentle. (laughing) - That's pretty rad. - That's pretty fun. - Cat flying with drones? - It's AI, right? - I'm sure. - Yeah. - It's pretty cute though. - Yeah. - That's fun. That's why you should use AI. Make fun. - Yeah. - That and, yeah, highly inappropriate ones that I'm really liking. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some fun knots he wants out there. Let's see what else we got here. - So they're saying, I guess in China, it's like old people are just allowed to. - Just fart. - Blast. - Yeah, he's, that was wet and it had different stages of it. Pretty crazy. All right, I gotta run. - I love you. - I love you too. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Please check out Chitra Bomba here in Austin, Texas. Currently, the pop-up is at the fairgrounds in downtown. Austin and we will see you guys very soon. Bye-bye. (upbeat music) - Dude, dude, dude. That was horrible. (upbeat music) You have no idea what you just did to people. That was horrible. Completely blew it out. (laughing) Why would you do that into them? (upbeat music) Horrible. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Why would you do that? (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Completely blew it out. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) I just wanted to see what that felt like. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Why would you do that? (upbeat music) Why would you do that? (upbeat music) (upbeat music)