Colin Quinn & Jim Norton

I'm turning off my phone smart man before this guy's a pro whoo all right should we start let's do it you had a funny story hey we're here we might be drunk we're back I'm sweaty it's hot as balls but we got some some funny guys here Colin Quinn remind him add off Kevin Brennan never prepare for the podcast if you wouldn't know it and have a fart off I'm walking out oh you fart - yes yes how did you not know you've never farted on me he thought I used to we'd be sitting on o and a for years and it's suddenly one person just go what oh my god and the room would just be cursing are you cover you have the silence I like to cut them in my hand you gently open the gift it was a great smile and just watching all of us realize I see I'm more of a loud farter yeah but they say that's healthier oh good loud and no smell is good the way it's low brow but we don't want to sit here now I like I've got I'm trying to be a regular guy the term is goy we look down on this all right what's shaking boys what's happening low brow could be fun I was I was it was so hot that I sat in traffic an extra block just to enjoy the air-conditioning in the camp whoo it's funny yeah good banter I just wanted to open with local nobody else can do local when I first saw it in comedy I only had like subway like real New York material and my first road gig I never told you this one was a real gig and I was hoping for somebody in North Carolina next head great club that was it and I bombed every show but we're staying at the owner's house oh so that's awkward and I thought this was normal because it's my first gig you know every this is a passive aggressive on their part the owner and his wife and me in the headline is sitting on couches every afternoon and they would go over all the comment cards oh my god sit there and read 150 comment cards and I thought he goes this is how we do our business but every one of them was like the middle act was terrible he's not funny I mean nobody curses North Carolina in the 80s sure sure he's terrible you should get rid of me isn't that one joke whoa and I was bombing every night wasn't like I could be like that person everybody the headliner was good this guy's and I just sit there every day and I was like this is damn but I thought it was like this is what they do I think yeah they should do why should you be deluded into think you're doing he knows he bombed I knew I bought that's YouTube comments but in the 90s and we sit there and read them all afternoon luckily I smoked I was obviously this is a rough business I used to have it like crackers in Indianapolis I would read the comment cards because they would just show you Liz at the cellar will just forward me when I get a shitty comment she sent me one the other day it was like a four stars a great show Samuel sucks the whole email well even if you kill you'll get a bad comic yeah so it doesn't really mean anything yeah you talk about yeah something I liked everything but that religion joke whatever whatever yeah I get a lot of like that I'm doing TED Talks now comment ooh hey you didn't say that's not true that's when they cut to the phone really should have kept that to themselves oh well yeah comic club Casbah in Jersey in Wildwood no you'd stay above the club oh no yeah it was like one of those was I one of the first like condos but it was yeah he just built it at a plywood above the right great and that club is a story that Tony Woods was staying upstairs and still late for a set right that's the famous story of him in Aruba yeah Aruba Ray's like hey they just gave an Adam in the light he goes all right I'll get in the shower I'm not done Aruba Ray, I'm not done Aruba Ray. Have you done that gig? I've not done an Aruba Ray's gig. I did it years ago did it I did it super fun you bring a lady out there it was a great time yeah Natalie Holloway oh the victims by first name I didn't want to oversell it with Holloway too much I didn't realize it would just yeah I should have said that. That was a great save right there. Good save. That was a tip-in by what's-his-face. Yes. It's better that you didn't have to say Holloway. Yeah, I didn't want to overdo it. Yeah. Yeah, those clubs where you have to stay right next to, or even the condos. I did one gig. I think it was comedy. What was the one, like the C-Room in Minneapolis? Oh, in the mall? No, it was even worse. Joke joint. Yes. Yes. And you stayed in the guy's. I didn't know I was in his house. I was like, I'm in the condo. And then I'd go out and see him. I'd be like, oh, shit, I'm in. Baseball in the lawn. Yeah. The worst is a cruise, because you bomb, and then you're just with them. Yeah. You can't escape them. It's like living in a neighborhood. None of us do cruises, you hack. You know, it was like a practical Joker's cruise, a Burt Kreischer cruise. I did the Kreischer cruise, and it was like that. The shows were okay, but you're just stuck on the boat. Yeah. I don't like boats. And he also lives for that. He lives for the socializing. He lives for it, yeah. Because he's drinking, and I'm like, I just want to hide after the show. So you're both right for doing that goddamn thing. Kreischer cruise. Well, I figured somebody's. Me and Sam turned it down. What? What the fuck? That was a good time. You don't drink. No. Neither do I. Oh, yeah. I'm just desperate for work. But I'd see Jim out there. You're on the plank with fucking full black jeans on, black t-shirt. The plank. Or whatever, the poop deck. What do you call that? The boat? Yeah, just in the middle of the boat, yeah. Middle of the boat. Everyone's wearing like Hawaiian shirts and shorts, and you're wearing a burka. You never did cruises starting out ever? They didn't really have. In those days, there was no like celebrity, like people that you knew. It was just like, cruise was like the death of your career. Yeah. Well, Burt, he'll take any bad show and make it a Burt show. Outdoors. We all hate outdoors, but he's like, but I got the Burt outdoors. Yeah. I got the Burt boat. It's a good way to do it. People who do cruises have shame. I just talked to someone last night, and she's like, yeah, I'm going to start doing cruises. But, you know, it's not the same as it used to be. Like, people are just embarrassed when they have to admit they're doing cruises. But I'm like, well, make your money. What do I care? Yeah. Sure. We didn't need your charitable. You're right. You're right. I probably didn't need to throw that. You're like, you know what, guys? I just want to step in. You're right. That was unnecessary. I should have just cut it. I remember King Solomon. I did the impractical Joker's cruise with Voss. Were we on the same one or no? I don't think so. And Voss, afterwards, someone came up to me, and she goes, you were our favorite. And Voss goes, oh, yeah? Well, your other friend is prettier than you. Oh. I loved it. The next time Voss does a cruise, they should treat him like Leon Klinghoffer. Should have just said Leon. Should have said Leon. Let him play the game. No, I had to Klinghoffer it. I couldn't. You had to. I don't know who that is. I still don't know who that is. You don't know who Leon Klinghoffer is? Was it true? The PLO threw him off a boat. Oh. He was in a wheelchair. What? The Jewish guy, they threw him off a boat. What? Wheelchair? It was a famous story back in the 80s. In the 80s, yeah. Did they throw the chair as well, or just him? No, no. They didn't want to litter. They kept the chair. Holy shit. Looks like Pauly Walnuts. What happened? What'd he do? Was he a bomb? I mean, he was. You don't remember? This is like the most- I've never heard of this. That's a whole wheel. It's the most famous story back then. Yeah. There he goes. What'd he do? Was it running? I think it was a Jewish. Oh, it was a Jewish thing? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, they found out he was Jewish, then they threw him off. Whoa, what year? 88? I'd say, yeah, I'm going to guess 86. Yeah, I'm going to guess 83, but you guys can't. Oh, I was joking. I thought this was like the 40s. Damn it. We're all wrong. Wow. He must have complained a lot, or something must have happened. It couldn't just be a throw-off for Jewish. That's wild. I'm guessing the PLO came onto the boat by force. I'm doubting that. Yeah, I think that's what it was. We're taking a cruise. What's the PLO? Mark, no one's ever killed a Jew for no reason. What is it? Yes, in fact, Palestinian Liberation Organization. Oh, jeez. That's all news to me. It's all news because it doesn't get to Brooklyn anymore, but there used to actually be some hostile Palestinians, too. Oh. Anyway. That's a bit overboard. Hey. It doesn't get- It was a joke, because I think they shot him first, and some comics were like, oh, Mark on a boat did a joke, that I'm going to order a Klinghoffer. It's two shots and a splash. That's a great joke. I don't know who the comic is, but it's a- That guy's on a roll. Give him the chair. That sounds like DePaulo's voice. Yeah, it does. Oh, DePaulo definitely had a cut with a Klinghoffer. Always. Of course. He's still doing them. You know? Yeah, what were the bad gigs when you were starting out? Just, like, see clubs? Places that did, like, they had music, dance places sucked, like, where there was, like, just, you know, they would just put the chairs on the side, you know, on the dance floor. Those were always fucking horrible. People were in the middle of dancing, and they stopped dancing. They didn't even know there was a comedy show. Oof. They were now comedy, and they're talking, and they went to kill us. The ambush. And the most famous was Betty's Fireside. You remember that one? I do. I did Betty's once, and it wasn't as bad as everyone said it was. Yeah, well, that speaks more to your act at the time. No, but by then, hold on. Can we cut this? By then, it had improved. They were improved. Betty was an old battle axe, and she was just standing there, chain-smoking, but you went there, and the ritual, like, even the people that went there, it was all, like, bikers in the middle of Denville, New Jersey, and they would just boo, like, you were on, like, a stripper stage. It was an old strip club. Right. And they would boo, like, the first two acts just destroy you, just because that was their Wednesday night. Yeah, it was notorious. It was in Denville, New Jersey. Yeah. Wow. And the boxcar was a hard one. Bob Levy booked it. a totally nude strip club where you bring your own liquor and you would do four sets a night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, in front of the same audience. One at seven, one at eight, one at nine, one at ten. You have to do ten minutes. Only Godfrey's having a good set there. Right. Killing every time, different material. Wow. That was a rough one. That's a hell, how the fuck do you do that? You just, the guys just got sick of the dancers, so the bouncers and stuff just wanted comedy. None of the guys that worked there wanted something different. Oh, the workers. Yeah, so they had comedians come in. I mean, they'd pay you decent. Yeah, that's how they used to start with those strip clubs, remember? Yeah. Wow. The last one to do was Jay Leno. Remember, he did strip clubs. Yeah, that's right. Wasn't Jay Leno doing strip club comedy? Crazy. The rumor is he'd put a 50 on the bar and said, if I bomb, keep it. I don't know if that's true. To who? To the owner. He's like, let me do a set here, and they were like, we don't really do comedy. He's like, here's 50 bucks, let me do a set, and if I bomb, you can keep the money. That's the most confident comedian that's ever lived. That's insane. That's insane. You can't put, that can't be true. No. Sure. That's true. Good point, Carl. I'm here to add the boomer perspective on this one. Did you guys ever think comedy would get this big? When you're out in strip clubs, you're in the boxcar, did you ever think it would go this nuclear? Not only did I not think it would get this big, but I didn't think that if it did get this big, I would be on the outside of it. I heard you're at Veterans Stadium this weekend. Is it? Shane? This weekend? I got the text, you coming by? And I'm like, ah, I got a gig, but it's going to be quite a scene. Where is that? Philadelphia. Philadelphia. Oh, he's doing the Eagles. Yeah. It's going to be crazy. Crazy. He's at 80,000 seats? Yeah. Yeah, and they added seats. What? Yeah. He's doing a 4 p.m. show. No, I'm kidding. But he told me the lineup of surprises, and it's real. Who's who? Well, this is coming out after, can you say? I don't want to. When's it coming out? It's a who's who. Huh? This? Yeah. I don't know. A couple weeks, probably. Oh, it'll be over then. Who was it? What are you keeping a secret for? Well, they're all black and rappers. Oh, boy. No. They turned it down, right? Did they? Oh, I don't know. I thought that's what you said. No, no. Diddy. 50 Cent. Diddy and R. Kelly's comeback. Yeah, right. I know Chappelle, and then Meek Mill. Meek Mill's in Philly. Okay, and then another guy. Oh, 3-6 Mafia. Oh, yeah, because they got bangers. They got, like, hits. They can just play, like, 3-6. Oh, okay. Yeah, he mentioned this. I totally forgot this. Yeah. All right. That's cool. Gonna confuse his fully white audience. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. It should be, like, Morgan Wallen. I was like, you gotta get some white guys on the show. He's like, we got McCusker. I was like, oh, okay. But honestly, guys, we joke, but diversity is never bad. He prepared to edit that just in case I got in trouble for doing a thing with Shane already. What'd you do with him? Well, he did a music video, and I outed it before. Oh, the Drake thing? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know it was a secret. He never told me it was a secret. Oh, you put it as a secret, too. I know, but this comes out after. Afterwards. Supposedly. But just cover my ass here. Yeah. You can't help yourself, can you? Well, you guys asked. Yeah. We did push him. We did kind of push. You pushed me. He tried to hold out. I didn't push him. I didn't give a damn who the hell's opening for Shane. I didn't even put that in the damn podcast. As long as Matt McCusker and Big Jay is there. Big Jay is there. Yeah. And you did the garden with him, right? Yeah. How was that? It's crazy. It's crazy. Was that your first time gardening? No, I did one 9-11 thing with Pete Davidson, and 9-11 was, remember they had the thing? Oh, yeah. Springsteen or. No. Pete Davidson, Chappelle, Rodney, Bill Burr. Oh, wow. That's fun. That was fun. Damn. Yeah, the garden's wild. I did it once with Madonna. Madonna did a set. What? She went on first, thank God. How long did she go? She did five. She did five and ate a big bag of cheese. She did the garden? Did the garden with Schumer. With Amy, yeah. Yeah, she was trying to do stand-up for a minute. Wow. Remember she did The Cellar a few times? Yeah. She did Fallon. The Tonight Show. She did Fallon. Pull that up. Pull up Madonna on Fallon. Wow. How's it go over? I don't think I ever saw this. She's likable. Obviously a performer, but the jokes aren't great. Yeah. Obviously. I kind of respect the fact she's doing it, though, because why would you put yourself through that at 60? Everyone loves you. You've had a great life. You're having a great career. Just humiliate yourself. I think the yes people, they think- Oh, look. Look at this. People tell her she's funny in a circle. They're like, you're so funny, and then you get- Anyways, I just always think that it's good to talk about what you know. That's what I do. I just talk about what I know, right? True. So I'm going to start with dating younger men. Woo! You guys think that's funny? Yep. You think that's funny? Yeah, you do, don't you? Okay. Anyway. So it's true. I date younger guys. And I have my reasons, but I'm not going to go into them. It's a long setup. But I did find myself- Yeah, very long. Very strangely the other day at breakfast with my son Rocco. I feel bad for smirching the lady. Thinking, I haven't had a date in a couple of weeks. And I looked at my son without thinking, and I said, do you have any friends you could introduce me to? You knew where that was going. Yeah. I have to say, she's dressed like Colin in his first HBO special. Pull that up. Boy, were you hip. Oh, the Pirate's Jacket and the mullet and the cigarette. Sitting on the stage. You had some great jokes in that one. I had some good jokes. Thank you. You know, I did it with the whole thing with Homeless about it. And I was like, you know what? Now I stand by that set. Holy shit. Even though I was brutalized for years after it was one man. I didn't even know that well. Hammered me every time he saw me. How was your set? I saw your HBO hair. I was like, who the fuck? Oh, I barely know you. Yeah, he was very abrasive. He gave me a nice hug. He was beating. Yeah. Deservedly so. Yeah. The outfit. The material was good, but the outfit was. The outfit was fine. The haircut. Nice necklace. The necklace was a little strange, but some girl gave that to me. And this girl in the front was hanging out afterwards. You look like Jacob Elordi. Yeah, good point, Shane. You're a handsome dude, Colin. I look like Christian Bale in The Fighter. Yes. There you go. The machinist. We'll crack out. Now, where are we here? Is this? Miami. Whoa. I don't know. Why would you choose Miami? I didn't. They were shooting eight in Miami. I didn't want to fucking be in Miami. And then any time around. Oh, come on. This fucking casual guy just shows up. Shut up. I couldn't get on. I had to shoot this dumb show, so I couldn't get on for a month beforehand. Oh. I was fucking. And what did you forget? That the stage is where you're supposed to stand? What does it say? What is this giant thing behind me? That lean is amazing, dude. I'm biting my finger on that girl. Oh, my God. Look at this. Where's your mic? Are you just. Oh, it's your wireless? Lapel. No, I think I have a mic on. It's on the jacket. Oh. That's the beauty of being a comedian. That was part of the show that I nestled. I mean, look, I look good. You do. You do look good. I wouldn't say good. So, what's that? You were the original Matt Rife. You're handsome. Cool. Good jawline. I told you I was a hot seven. I disagreed completely. You look like Swiggy. Oh, I can see it. I can see it. I can see it. Hello. Were you sober at this point? Yeah. How many years sober are you here? A few. Crazy to go Miami. You're like the quintessential New York guy. I smoked like. It wasn't my idea. I know. I know. I'm just saying. I realize my ears are a little large, but. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Quite the lobe. Did I know you when you smoked? I don't remember. When did you quit? No. Okay. I quit in 1991 or 92. Yeah, I didn't know you. Can you justify that necklace? I smoke all day, every day. Can you justify that necklace you're wearing? Whoa. Holloway. Talk to your boy. Yeah. Talk to your boy Jim like that. We just met. Yeah. Now, who was the guy then? Was it like Dennis Miller or was it Bill Hicks? It was Dennis Miller, Bill Hicks, Dice, Kinison. Wow. Yeah. They were the biggest names. Brett Butler. Brett Butler was great. Yeah. She killed. Herself. Don Marrero was big. Don Marrero was big. Alan Havey was big. Barry Sobel. Barry Sobel was big. George Wallace. No, he wasn't that big. He was- Mario Joyner. No, he was- Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld was big. Jake Johansson. Jake Johansson was kind of big, yeah. Did you guys ever work with Bill Hicks? Sure. I knew Bill pretty good. Never met him. Really? What was he like? Great guy. Great guy. Like a fucking- You know what I mean? Like no, not- Nothing like his act. I mean, he was just a nice guy. He was like a real comedian that would just hang out and, you know, he had no shitty attitude. He was funny. Damn. And all the guys that started with him, like T. Sean Chan and those guys, they said, you guys didn't see- How could we? When he was like 17 at Houston, he did no political stuff. It was all just set up punchline, and they said he had like the best surreal, like funny- Oh, he did impressions of his teachers. Yeah, and they said he was amazing. Damn. Yeah, and the documentary about him, I think it's American Scream? Something like that. Something like that. They show him as a kid, and he's killing, because he used to work at a shoe store, and he's doing a whole bit about shoe store, and it's silly and weird and big act-outs, but then he just turned into like, you know, the social commentary guy. Yeah, he got mad, but he was really a funny guy. How's T. Sean? He did the Tough Crowd pilot. Wasn't he on that? Yeah. What's he doing? He lives in Houston. He does stand-up. down there. He does like a whole little side comedy related business and stuff. How often are people hitting you up to bring back Tough Crowd? Oh, my God. A few times a week, right? No, not even. They only do it now just to fucking troll me because I was on Jim and Sam and they kept bringing it up. And then so I was like, stop bringing up. It annoys me. So, of course, now, you know, every douchebag on social media and it's like, hey, you ever thought about bringing back Tough Crowd? Or as a podcast. As a podcast. You know, someone called me. He's like, I have this idea of a con. I'm like, if it's bringing back Tough Crowd, you don't. And he was like, he was just silent. I'm like, you fucking idiot. It's unbelievable. Like, they think it hasn't crossed my mind. Like, what a radical idea. You should have. You should have egged him on and go, dude, you got it. No, he doesn't think anybody wants it. Seriously, you should bring that back. That would be cool. I know we're joking, but it actually was a great show. That was a great show. It was a good time. Yeah. I mean, honestly, if I knew comedy was going to be like popping the way all you guys are going to come up, I might have thought about it. But at the time, I just thought, you know. I didn't even think about comedy being. Who knew comedy was going to blow up the way it's blown up? That's what I'm saying. Now, we asked the audience for some questions because they're big fans of yours. How many are they going to be like when Tough Crowd coming back? None of them. All right. We'll see. By the way, was I invited here and I'm crashing Colin's episode? No. No, these are for you, too. Oh, OK. Jesus, Jim. No, no, no, no, because I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it. Jim, why'd you crash my episode? That's what I feel like. I've been playing this a lot. Now you have one average episode instead of two shitty ones. Oh, one of them said, ask Jim about Lucky Louie. Oh, yeah. You were all over that. Yeah. You were the friend. Yeah. How was that? It was great. I mean, and it did a lot of a lot of viewers. I wish they would have brought it back. HBO is a mistake they made. They should have done season two. Every week, Louie would go over the he goes, we're actually getting more viewers each week, which is rare. Usually you lose viewers. But we had Louie on. He was like, that show is dead in the water. They hated it out of the gate. They did. Yeah. The critics didn't like it. Yeah. So our first question is from Isaac to Colin. Why won't you reboot? I told you right there. Oh, God. What's the answer? It's a lot of work. No. The answer is I did it once. I didn't want to be one of those people that does a fucking show. I already did 20 years later. And also, it was so, I mean, you know, Geraldo and Patrice, all those guys. That was like the perfect mix, you guys, you know? It was good. Yeah. But it would be. Sorry. This guy, Chad, asked Colin, I'm a big fan of the block-by-block videos you've been doing. Oh, yeah. It's fascinating to hear. What neighborhood are you considering for your upcoming videos? I don't know. I mean, I'd like to do. I really was more. I should be more ambitious with it and do. I'd like to do it. In my dream world, I would do every neighborhood in New York before I drop dead. Damn. I hope you don't make it past 2nd Avenue. Aren't these neighborhoods changing, though? Like, do you go back and go, they used to be like this? Is that the whole thing? You can't even say that, because it's exactly, yeah. It's all completely different. Right, right. We're just talking about the old days, but yeah, you can't, you know. There's nothing there. Which block depresses you the most that has changed? The only block that hasn't changed is McDougal Street, by the way. Oh, all right. It's exactly the same as it always looked. It is amazing. I was watching that movie Inside Llewyn Davis, and it's just like, oh, that's the play right next door. They didn't change anything. They didn't change any of it. It's Counting Watts. Yeah, it's pretty cool. But I mean, Bleeker Street's different? No, Bleeker Street's the same. Oh, I didn't know he was getting called out on it. You're right. I don't know. Bleeker Street is the same. I lived on Bleeker. It was, it feels very rich now. Wasn't it kind of like record stores and guitar shops? Yeah. Now it feels kind of high end. There's a couple of those blocks that have been like that, that one weird block with the funeral home right next to the coffee place, right next to the record store. Yeah, that, I feel like that's been that forever. And these are chess places there, too, on Thompson. There was a good sushi place. Weren't there chess, chess shops? That's still there. That's still there. The chess shop? The chess is still there. Yeah, that's where the, what do you call the, you know, the mob of, the big gigante had his, the guy that walked around the bathroom? Yeah. That was him right across the street. Oh, wow. Did you mean the chin? Yeah. The chin, yeah. That was his place, right by the, next to the chess place. Really? Across the street, yeah. All right. He was always out there. You see him all the time with the guys walking around. You saw him? Yeah. Doesn't it kill you when those old places go away, like that, what is that, Soup and Burger? Just close. Oh, you're cozy. It kills me. I don't know why that makes me so sad. I know. We were shooting, for my movie, we did, we needed a restaurant, and we were hitting up all these places, and every place was like 20 grand, and we hit up Soup and Burger, they're like 500 bucks in cash, and we're like, oh, all right. Oh, wow. Not a great sign, though, that they were so willing to just, yeah, use it, whatever. It hurts up. I mean, I think like a month ago, dude, that place, I love that place. I know, classic. Great soup. Well, I remember when Joe's Pizza was on the corner of Common and Blinger Lake, they moved to that location. Oh. It used to be like five stores down. I didn't know that. I love a good classic piece of Ray's. Good point. Yeah. The original, I assume. But you also used to smoke. Like, when I first went to the cellar, we'd walk in, and we'd just, every place was full of smoke. Yeah. It was so, it reminded you of like the old days, like, just, it was great. It had a whole different vibe. Everybody was smoking Estes at the table, all the customers sitting there, everybody just smoked on stage, it was ashtrays. Jesus. I look back at pictures with fucking ashtrays at the table, it's like, how did anybody smoke in that, upstairs when we were eating? We loved it. Yeah, all the time. No, I know, but it was- If you complained, people would be like, fuck you, you're a problem, this is an unsmoking section, it's like two- Two seats over. The first time I went to the cellar, I was with my friend, we were on a double date, but I wanted to check out a comedy, you know, and we go with these two girls, so Dom Herrera's on stage. And so my friend, Dom Herrera has a glass of cranberry juice, and so he's drinking cranberry juice, so my friend goes, he goes, drink it before it clots, you know, like it's blood. So Dom Herrera goes, what'd you say? And he goes, nothing. He goes, no, no, what'd you say? Seriously, I want to know. And he goes, I said drink it before it clots. And Dom Herrera goes. Oh, man. Because it's, I mean, drink it before it clots, and he acted, it was so- Oh, that's painful. He made my friend this big, and he brought it back like three times. Oh. And the making repeat on top of it is such a- Yes, yes. And then acting like, his reaction, I can remember a heck of a response, he was laughing so hard, the whole crowd knew, like it was just humiliating. Ah. It was great. Maybe he genuinely enjoyed your friend's performance. I don't think so. Oh, okay. He brought it back three times, and he goes like this, and it was like, like. And in those days, you'd do like 25 at the cellar. Right. The cellar was great. When the cellar first started, it was like, getting in there was like, all the, it was the small club. It was a club with no industry, everybody would end their night there. Yeah. And- Catch a Rising Star was the hot club, right? The whole day at the waitress, what's that? Catch a Rising Star was the hot club then, right? Catch a Rising Star was the hot club. Probably still had a name, but the club for like, the real, the people that could really do time, and like, it was the cellar, so it wasn't really prestigious, but yeah, the catch in those places, industry. Yeah. And everybody would come down late and hang at the cellar, and you'd do 25 minutes, they'd just leave you on there, and just- Jesus. You had to be able to do 25, and there was no crowd. How did they audition that? How did they audition you? Yeah, because it's like five, you could get away with passing for five minutes, but then- I forget. Well, didn't you move into food? Food spots first? When I started there, you were doing food spots. Oh, yeah, you get paid. Food spots. Before the food spots, you know what I mean? Yeah. I got there in like, 96 or 95, so there was food spots. You're right, right, right. I heard it was BYOB, too. Is that true? No. That feels crazy. No, there was at drinks. No, that was a strip club that went up. Oh, that was the boxcar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they would make you do 25. 25? It's crazy. It was 20, I think, when I started. What? Your audition was 20 minutes. That's insane. Well, there weren't that many comedians. It was a whole different world. You must have been so pissed, though, if you wrecked someone's shit. She didn't do it. She did a Bill Grumfest audition. Oh, yeah. I passed with Bill. Did you pass with Bill? No, it was Esty. I got into Cellar and Dangerfields the same day. Hey, that's cool, dude. You did? But it wasn't like as big a deal then. It wasn't the place. Everyone wasn't like, fuck you, you're in the Cellar. It was before all the documentaries and stuff and before Louis and Seinfeld's documentary. Well, I feel like that's what I was kind of saying and you're just adding on. I'm just reiterating. But if you had said, as Colin said, it really wasn't the place, it might have been a little less awkward for me. It wasn't necessary to say, as Colin said. It was necessary because you were literally acting like it was erasure on your part, as we say these days. What is erasure? You erased your head, like you. Do you kind of get annoyed by the prestige as guys who've been there forever that you're like, I just want to work out here. I don't want to be stared at by a bunch of industry or comics or anybody. I just want to work on stuff. No, what are you kidding me? I mean, it's great that it's cool every night. Well, I'm just glad none of you guys noticed. When I started, after a couple of years, the old fucks like us would move to L.A. and become writers. We won't give up our spot. When I started, all those guys moved and we were the next generation. We didn't move. Well, that's fine. You don't want to go to L.A. Yeah, but I'm just saying, so, you know. Are you posing for a trophy? That's a terrible fucking trophy. Oh, weird. I'm going to stretch my leg. I'm actually worried you have blood clots now. Yeah. Are you all right? You want to repeat that? Yeah. - Is this the Richard Gere joke? I think it was. I think it was, actually. Oh. A little gerbil. Oh. Yeah. Well, I've just heard guys go up and be like, you guys, this crowd has changed. It used to be more fun and gritty. No. All right. I mean, sell it to sell it. I mean, it changed. It always changes. But like I said, there was no fucking crowd. We used to drag people in. You remember, what's his face? Louis Schaefer. He was great. Was he a barker? Yeah. But he was the best barker in history. Yeah. They weren't great crowds, but he would fill the room. It was crazy. So how do you think these other clubs, which you guys say prestigious, whatever, uptown, those closed, but the Cellar lived? Yeah. How about that? I think it's also because the Cellar was such a comedian's club. Right. Like, even back then, when the industry was just starting to pop, the rule was no industry. Like, every other club was like, NBC's coming. Like, take it. Yeah. Chiseled it. And the Cellar was like, you come to a comedian, we don't want to, like, you couldn't be like, we're NBC. Right. There's a table, like, a comedian had to recommend you. Oh. Damn. Even back then. So that set a good tone, I feel like. Yeah. Good for them. I never did Catch. And it was 25 minutes. I never did Catch on 80, what was it? 80 Seconds of Sex and the Strip. Where was Catch? It was on 1st Avenue. 78th and 1st. Yeah, I went in there a couple times, but I never did a set there. I kind of wish I had worked there once. Who were the comics working Catch back then? Sweeney. What's that? Wasn't Sweeney hosting? Well, you wouldn't know. You just said you'd never worked there. No, but I went in there. I went in with my eyes closed and fucking hot in my ears. You were outside the window like this. That's not true. I went in there and I went, hi, I'm from New Jersey. Yeah, well, Sweeney's the MC towards the end, later. But, I mean, it depends what years you're talking about. When I first came there, it was like, oh, you guys, nobody would know. There was a guy named Gary Lazor who was big. Like, the improv comics was heavy. Heavy was huge in the early 90s. Really? Dom Herrera. They were all, like, the improv guys. Ken Oba, Lou DiMaggio, Sue Kalinske. I heard Lou DiMaggio was hilarious. He was really funny. Yeah. Sue Kalinske, have you ever heard of her? No, I haven't. Didn't she do radio? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew her from radio. I knew her name from radio. I didn't know her. Yeah, she was funny. Yeah. And then Catch was like, Brett Butler. Damn. Yeah, she was there. You guys made the L.A. L.A. moved in you at one point? Never. Never did it? I was there for a few years. Not for you? That's so hard to picture you in L.A. Can you drive? Yeah. Not well, though, right? No, you don't drive well. I've driven with you. Yeah, his book says you're a shitty driver. It's ridiculous. It's true. I just. Did I talk about that in my book? I don't even remember. Yeah, you did. You said you were hoping I could run over and then you'd. What was he saying? Something about the Book of Lee? Well, it was. Because I was trying to show him. Oh, the Lee. I was trying to show him the foliage. Yeah. But I'll tell you, the best move I ever made with Jim driving, and it's one of my proudest moments, is he wanted his cappuccino, and we're passing a Starbucks, and he'd done it to me earlier. He'd fucking driven by when I was trying to get whatever I was trying to get, and then he forgot about that. A couple of gigs later, he wanted to stop at Starbucks on the way home for his cappuccino, and I drove into the, you know, the air, and then just zoomed back in the highway. Yeah. I do remember that. Yeah, it was very unsatisfying. You ever hear the John Mulroney, R.I.P., John Mulroney story about in L.A., when he's these two kids, like Crips, a Robin, he had a Porsche. Uh-oh. So the kid goes, so one of the guys is holding a gun to John Mulroney, and the other guy's, you know, trying to start his car, and the guy goes, I can't start. And the other guy goes, because it's a Porsche, it's a stick, and looks at John Mulroney and goes. See what I have to. Like, basically saying, see what I have to deal with here. While he's holding a gun to him. Holy shit. What was his claim to fame? Was he a writer? He died. He died last year. What did he host? He hosted a show, Comics Trip Alive, right? Yeah. He was a comedian. I happened to do a gig with him about a year and a half ago, an Irish thing, and he was a comedian that was famous for, he did crowd work, but he was fearless. I mean, he got. He got attacked on stage. I mean, he would never back down, and he was. He would get a crowd. You'd never want to follow John Mulroney. Yeah. He would go and just go through the crowd the whole time, but it was so good. He was so funny at it. It was crazy. Yeah. I did a police benefit with him, because he always wanted to be a cop. Yeah, he was a cop. Really? Yeah, he became a cop, yeah. But I did it in, like, the early 90s, and he just did an hour on cops. Whoa. It was really. It was all cops in the audience. It was really amazing. Was he killing him? He was being killed. Yeah. Is he a New York guy? Yeah. He's from Brooklyn. Yeah. Oh, wow. I'd heard of him. I remember people talked about him back in the day. I don't know this guy. Did you work Pips? Sure. Didn't I ever tell you my. I told you guys my big Pips story, didn't I? Please. I'm sure I told. I can't believe I didn't tell. My first night at Pips. That's in Brooklyn, right? Yeah. Yeah, it was. It's the first comedy club before the improv. It's the first comedy club in the history of the world, probably. Yeah. Apatow, get on the dock. We need a Pips dock. Yeah. Well, it's closed now, but. And everyone's dead. That's true. But I was there a bunch of times. But the first time I went, I go to audition. It's a Wednesday. I came. I must have. So outside, on the outside on tape, it says, you know, like, Nicky Talamundo will not be here tonight. Right. So I'm like, I've told you this, right? No. So I go, oh, that's weird. Is that it? That can't be it. No, that's not it. All right. Sorry. It's literally like a wall. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, no, there was stores next to it. Yeah. Sheep's Head Bay. That's so far out. So far. David Brenner used to go work his material out there. Yeah. Is that it? It was like 60 seats. It was very small. Whoa. 60 seats. It was very small. Didn't Dice work there? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Dice is from there. Dang! Yeah, he's definitely one there. Wow. Dice is over in Georgia. Man, comedy was so niche. It was so underground. But isn't it weird? This is the first comedy club in the whole. Probably in the whole world. So what happened? You got there. Oh, so I get this. So it says whatever the guy's name is, Frankie, whatever. So I go in, waiting like three hours, finally get up. These guys come in from Avenue X, which is like a big Italian neighborhood back then, all tatted up. And nobody had tattoos. Start throwing chairs. The fuck? And the show's over. Show's outside. Everybody. Everybody's like, what the fuck? They go outside. Apparently, their friend, whatever his name was, had not passed the week before the audition. Wednesday was the audition night. So I stood with Seth Schultz. I stood next to him like, yeah, I was gonna fight with him against these guys because I was so addicted to comedy, I go, I'll get my ass kicked, who cares? Right. And it worked because he gave me a spot on that Friday night. Hey! Which I bombed and didn't get back my butt. We walk outside. This is when I should have left comedy. Fucking beast. That's that McGregor. Fucking McGregor, baby. Yeah, with the leg. Yes. So what happened? So I go outside. Your one nipple is bigger than the other, by the way. It's annoying. No, it's just I'm. No. Twist it a little. No, it's not. It's just the angle. Gymnos, men's nipples. Don't be jealous of that fucking Bruce Lee wingspan. Look at that. You do have a good wingspan. Yeah. I'm like, your left nipple, your nipple is out of shape, like out of place. No, it's not like that. It's not. It looks weird. No, that's just the picture. The dude looking on is the best part of this picture. Oh, yeah. The dude just. The buddy? Just staring. He can't believe your muscles. It's like, god damn, he packed them on. He can't get over it. Pretty fucking beastly. So I go outside. So the. They're. They have a flatbed truck set up, and their friend is up there doing his act. And here's when I share a quick comedy about maybe how many. Maybe it's 12 people in the whole place. About six of them leave like, "Oh, god, that was scary," you know, because these guys are throwing fucking chairs. Sure. They're threatening everybody. And the other six people are like this, around the truck, and this guy's doing his dumb act, and they're kind of laughing like, "Hey, this is pretty good comedy." They were just. They were customers in the show. Oh, my god. That's when I should have left the fucking. They were like, "Yeah, I guess the show's this guy," and he's like, "Hey, you have a fucking cracker." Pretty good. Well, Italians love it. "August is the perfect time to reset before the fall rush, and your closet is a good place to start. That's why I love shopping at Quince. Quince is all about fewer, better pieces. Their clothes are made with premium materials built to last and designed to become the things you wear every day. They have ultra-soft organic cotton tees and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. 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Quince.com/wmbd for free shipping and 365-day returns now available in Canada and the UK. quince.com slash wmbd italian comedy you go to sebastian show it's all wops and guineas but i told you the other one right about the time we did when pips closed so ray garvey you remember ray garvey yeah he was this retired cabaret he taught you but he said would you do a show if i get woody allen to do stand up and bring you on stage i go ray stop and then he goes, will you be on? I go, of course I'd be on, but it's not going to happen. This is the 80s? No, this is like 1999 or something. Oh, wow. 1999, a month later, I'm literally watching Woody Allen on stage at Pips, bringing me on stage. What? Woody Allen. The same wise guy threatened him? No, I don't know. I feel like he was. How do you get Woody Allen to do stand-up? I mean, he was connected to this guy, one of the Hamels. Family from Brooklyn. And he was a photographer. And Woody Allen was always connected to, like, he had Tony Sirico and a bunch of his stuff. Like, Tony Sirico was there. Yeah, he's in Bullets Over Broadway. He was always connected with a lot of stuff. So Woody Allen goes on and does jokes. They have it on film. Yeah, that's Ray Garvey right there in the middle. Who's next to him? Oh, that's Johnny Sachs. Yeah, but on the other side. Vincent Curatolo, I think. This is Haber. Who's that? Oh, yeah, Vince. Vincent Curatolo. What? Is that the first? That's the first time Woody was on stage in, like, stand-up in how many years? So Woody goes on and does a few jokes. But he, I, anyway, but he. Are they bits from, like, the old album? No, no, just him doing some bit for, it was like a condo, some condo bit or something. Was it funny? No, he's just kind of, he didn't work on it. He just, this is his first time on stage. Yeah, holy shit. I'm watching Woody Allen do a stand-up. Holy shit. So then I go on, and then they, so Ray Garvey, every, you got Danny Adams. Danny Aiello was in it. What's his face? Pat Cooper's in it. So Danny Aiello, so they bring in Danny Aiello. He comes in, and he drives his Jaguar, and it's all on film somewhere. And then he goes. Wow, I'm trying to find it. Pat Cooper pulls up in a car service. So Pat Cooper, Pat Cooper's Pat Cooper. He goes, what? Danny Aiello's in his own car. He goes, they send a fucking Jaguar for Danny Aiello? In a car service for me? So they go, Pat, no, it's his own car. So then we get in. So Woody Allen, Pat Cooper goes on. They go, Pat, we're just going to film Pat. Pat goes on and does like 30 minutes just riffing. Like this movie's like, it's hard. Everybody's kind of making it up as they go along. So Pat Cooper just starts riffing. But everybody in there, and just life in general. And I'm telling you, it's on film somewhere. It's fucking brilliant. Whoa. Pat Cooper riffed. He was brilliant. And everyone's laughing. I mean, you know, it's not a great crowd. It was just people working. And he was just brilliant. Wow. I don't really know what Pat Cooper's stand-up was like. Was it hilarious? It was funny. It was kind of like he was late. You know, like he never rewrote. In those days, they didn't rewrite. You know, he couldn't rewrite. Right. But he was just a funny guy. When he riffed, he was fucking brilliant. Well, he did Tough Grout. And he did Tough Grout with Patrice. With Patrice, yeah. So funny. So anyway, he finishes his set. And he goes, and they go like this. So he finishes it. We all started applauding. It was crazy. And he goes, Woody Allen's sitting in the audience. And they're filming. And he goes, and they go, Ray Garvey goes, thanks, Pat. Okay, Woody, thank you for staying to get some reaction shots. And he goes, Woody, you can, you know, Woody's leaving now. He just stayed for like. And he goes, thanks, Pat. Could you do it again now? We're going to film you. You can't recreate it. They're going to film you. And Pat goes, Pat goes, what? He goes, you know, we just need to get ready to get Rudy's reaction. He has to leave. He goes. You want me to ad lib what I just did here? You mean the brilliance that you just did? You weren't filming that. You want me to just do that again? And he goes, well, you know, Pat, don't be like that. Don't be like what? You know what? Fuck Ray Garvey. Fuck Woody Allen. Oh, my God. Fuck everybody in this fucking production. You, fuck you. He leaves, goes over to Randazzo's. Jacky Martling is there like this is a random Jacky's like, Pat, go back. Don't tell me, Jackie, fuck you, you know, and all the people are eating lunch at Randazzo's, like, Pat Cooper and they're all laughing because they're Pat Cooper fans. They know he's great. Wow. But it was really funny. It was really. Did he go back? I don't think he went. I can't remember. I don't think he did. He might have. But either way, he was never going to do what he did. What he did was amazing, man, and it never became a film was called One Night at Pip's. That's the name. Hmm. Wow. There you go. You're confident. You're confident it exists somewhere. I guess so. I'll tell you, it does exist. This idiot's movie he made was like, remember that movie with the other comedians? I mean, which one? I did a few. The one with the point where you're making out with the porn star. Remember? Oh, it was with Nina Hartley. That was called One Night with something, too. I think that's what I remember. It was, I don't know, it was with Brewer and Otto and George was in it. It was about Otto and Louis Black. Oh, yeah, the Otto movie. Jim was in that one. Yeah, it was. It was a short. Adam Dubin directed it. I don't remember the name of it. American Dummy. It was called American Dummy. Oh, American Dummy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it was a trailer for this Pip's movie. Wow. No, I think this is just the club. Woody Allen's in this. Oh, my God. There's Ray. There's the fucking black eyed fucker. Did he own it or something or is he a comic? Oh, he's a comic. That's his brother. I'll kill somebody for $40. That's it. It looks like him now. I'll knock you out. Yeah, Ray was also a fighter. Yeah. Oh, boy. Wasn't he a cop? Ex-cop? He was an ex-cop. He got fired. He got fired for selling swag back in his police car or something. He had to go to jail for a little while, too. Oh, damn. Not the best trailer, audio-wise. Yeah. Not a great trailer. Or video. Oh, look at that. Oh, look at that. There he is! Oh, that's a photo. Weren't you going to do a Woody Allen movie, Colin? I was in a Woody Allen movie. Which one? New York Stories. But it cut me out because I was terrible. But every day I showed up, because I only knew comedy. 6 a.m. call, first day I show up at 8.30. The second day he goes, who the fuck do you think you are? It's 8.30. I was like, did they get to me? That's not the fucking way it works. Next day, he goes, you better be here at 6. 7 o'clock. What the fuck is wrong with you? Third day, I show up late. They finally get to me and shoot it, but it was like it was kind of cool. It was like to be directed by Woody Allen in the middle of New York Union Square. What was your part? I was a cop talking to the mother character. Which was a big with the whole, it was that short film they all did Winahim Scorsese and somebody else did. I was so bad they had to cut me out. What was your dialect? Do you remember any of it? I don't. I don't remember. Weren't you going to do another one too when you tore your ACL playing ball on grown-ups? Yeah, but I was trying to get out. I got out of that. He was going to use me anyway. Yeah. And I just got out of it. Why? You felt uncomfortable? I don't know. I just felt weirded out. Did you feel embarrassed about the first performance? No, I wasn't embarrassed by that performance. That's a valid question. Were you worried about the controversy of being in a Woody Allen movie? Yeah. I gotcha. And it just, it wasn't a great part. It was just like this weird script. Gotcha. What was the part? Some sidekick of Jim Belushi, I think. Ah, it was great. There's like two peas in a pod. According to Jim. Two. Damn, that's crazy. If you see the Colin highlights in grown-ups, Colin can hoop. Oh yeah, that's what I've heard. Colin's got some game. They cut out two of my best moves. I was in the middle. I was on the road one day, just threw it on. It was on TV and I was like, holy shit, Colin's got a jumper. Sure I did. Pull it up! Didn't you guys all used to play like late night tough crowd? I would never play though. Yeah, we did. I would go, but I would do it. And those weird guys from the project showed up. It was like Patrice, Kevin, you would play. Yes. Who else would go? Big Jay. Big Jay. By the way, Big Jay against Patrice was not that bad of a fucking. Big Jay had a little spin, like for a center. Yeah. He had that little center spin. He was good. Plus he hits you with that chain wallet. And then who else was good? But Kevin could play. Didn't Bobby Kelly used to go to that? I don't think so. Wasn't he there? Bobby Collins has a jumper. Really? Bobby Buckets. Bobby can't hoop. Dirty ass player. Bobby Collins. Bobby can't play. I heard Goldman's pretty good. Goldman's good. Yeah, he's big. Yeah, and he wasn't part of that. Bobby Kelly used to come to those. Maybe just to hang out on the sidelines and smoke. Yeah. Bob was not welcome there. No. You know. Somebody else who was really good. I can't remember. Somebody who was. Alright, here we go. Smalls! You got a cat. You know I do. I got a Maine Coon. You know how quickly they become part of the family, and you want to make sure you're giving them food that actually supports their health. Ain't that the truth? I love my cat, so I only give him the best. Greg. 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application you times may vary rates may vary kevin james i feel like play sports yeah yeah he's an athlete what do you mean he was a fucking high school wrestling star was it really you know mankind mcfoley yeah idol in high school he went to the same high school was kevin james and whoa wow he was a bouncer i believe at a nightclub who was kevin james yeah i guess in long island well he also did comedy and he forgot the famous time i met him outside of governors used to have a a hop in disco in the 80s i forget what it's called but it was disco i love the new lingo it was popping yeah it was like a real old school guido disco in like 1987 and 88 one time i left governors i just worked i was excited opening for my buddy bobby collins and it was a fucking bat fight outside and i said whoa i said kevin james oh you see that he's like oh shit bats i brought up to me he doesn't remember ah how do you forget a bat fight i mean yeah but bobby collins used to go to governors you first time i opened it was for shirley hempfield you know who that is sure she was a comedian yeah big black lady yeah what's happening she played the waitress and she goes on stage in her opening bit and i was like wow i can't wait to see like for celebrity comedy and she goes i love this place i was driving down here and i stopped at white castle and i've been taking white casual shits all night i was like oh my god that's a good opener i was that's what shirley hempfield should open with her that feels right that's true that feels right diehard fan thing i hope she does a white castle shit chunk i was hoping she'd close with that even the crowd was like yeah but bobby collins would go up in armani nobody even knew what armani was and he'd kill i mean i saw him get standing ovations literally wow he would look at you halfway through his show and wink like take it up a notch he would take it up a notch and by the end of the show he'd get a fucking standing ovation anytime he wanted without saying give me a standing ovation nobody killed like that fucking guy wow i woke up 50 times would you think that he wasn't going to follow you was that would you think he wasn't going to follow you you know it's funny you said that of course i did like several times early on i was like he can't follow the shit i just did that would get your middles killed sure being a middle is the best fucking thing in comedy easy spot people don't realize yeah no checks you don't have to be a middle man you don't have to be a middle man you don't have to be a middle man warm them up you don't have to warm them up you don't have to worry about tickets you just go up there and get big laughs and you think yourself i'm better than the headline you're gonna follow this so funny yeah see comedy felt like the it felt like when it started was kind of nebbishy you know the woody allens and then around the 80s and 90s it got kind of tough guy like you go to boston it was like these don gavin's these uh lenny clarks and then out in pips it's these mob guys that had a toughness and now it feels kind of nice again yeah no i know what you're saying there's definitely it's definitely got like a blood sport atmosphere yeah back in the day you know and still i mean look did you feel with their gigs where you guys were like i'm in i'm in trouble like this could this could go bad i only had one and that was but i was already established it was in new mexico and i did it and there were mexican bikers ran it and they didn't want to pay me and i marched into the office uh-oh um and i was like yeah i was just really uh being aggressive i think the guy had a gun on the table and uh the bouncer came in it was hey man we'll just wait outside and i realized in that moment like oh he's trying to protect me like i'm in a bad spot here because kenny wasn't with me so that was the only time i actually felt like i this could be a fucking problem yeah i got the money you got the money yeah oh good yeah you did yeah you feel like they didn't pay because you look like their little brother no i don't feel my you look like a small mexican i understood what you meant i said they were mexicans and you said your little brother yeah yeah my name is kenny i had a few gigs where they attacked me really famous one when i started i was opening i had to follow this music act up in outside of uh rochester new york or buffalo outside buffalo north tonawanda and the music guy was his local upstate kid and he fucking killed yeah but i mean killed music kills he yeah like musical comedy yeah oh that's oh my god did he kill song parodies they changed the room of course song parodies they changed the room of course song parodies they changed the room of course of course you know what i mean of course of course you know what i mean of course of course you know what i mean and then i went up in a bomb and so i and then i went up in a bomb and so i and then i went up in a bomb and so i halfway through like i'm like halfway through like i'm like halfway through like i'm like you this town and it's like all the you this town and it's like all the you this town and it's like all the local guys local guys local guys and i'm like you're calling them stupid and i'm like you're calling them stupid and i'm like you're calling them stupid and they go you and they go you and they go you fuck you and then the owners like this fuck you and then the owners like this fuck you and then the owners like this off the side or whatever the book or off the side or whatever the book or off the side or whatever the book or come here come here i'm like i come off come here come here i'm like i come off come here come here i'm like i come off stage he had to hide me in the car stage he had to hide me in the car stage he had to hide me in the car on the bottom of the car they were out on the bottom of the car they were out on the bottom of the car they were out there with bats there with bats there with bats batman and i'm on the floor of his car like he'd drive me to the airport hotel and then they didn't pay me and now you can get the money you ever heard that you remember that book i killed was that what it's called where all the guys tell stories about getting beat up or whatever the seinfeld one was crazy what was doing a gig i think it was in new york and i he made a joke he was kind of struggling and a guy threw a bottle and it hit the wall behind him and he was like i'm gonna wait here until they kick that guy out and the owner goes up and goes get off stage get off stage i'm gonna sneak you out the back apparently it was like a mob guy oh and they're like we are more scared of him than worried about you that happened to me at caroline's once i was like struggling huge asshole keep talking shit to me in the front row and then uh i just said like throw this fucking guy out and i think it was ray goots was running it back then he's not a big guy and he went over and whispered to him and the guy just went like this he went and i was like all right so i said to just keep before like you have no respect from the crowd after that get rid of this guy no all right yeah it was brutal i was in ohio once and this big he was drunk this big like he looked like an ex-football guy he just i was busting but he started talking too much so i started fucking you know i was in a cranky mood i'm like shut the fuck up okay fucking bait he rushed the stage fucking grabs me luckily a couple of the owner friends were there that were also big there's no bouncer grab him and he's they're dragging off and he goes fuck you colin quinn he said jesus i certainly understand the emotion those gigs i remember late night at comics were back in the day too they would just be like you're going on like three hours into the show those crowds suck and i remember there was a table of seven dudes just i'm just five minutes i'm bombing they're just shit talking me the whole set and they're just like you fucking suck and then one of them goes i'm gonna kick your fucking ass and i was like no one's gonna do anything one of the uh bartenders comes in the room i was like can someone do something and i'm like no one's gonna do anything and i'm like no one's gonna do and he was like, he said he didn't say that. He said he's going to fucking rush me, and he said he didn't. I was like, all right. I mean, how many times do you get fucked with and you see the bouncer? Because the problem with comedy, it doesn't happen that often where a guy charges the stage. So the bouncer's like, this is a sweet gig. I can dick around on my phone. I see the bouncer all the time, and I'm like, what are we going to do here? And then they wait until you get tackled before they do anything. You've seen the bouncers just sitting down, just playing video games. All the time. Danger Fields was the worst. They would never defend the comic. They just wanted you. Because I heard that there were some illegal influences that perhaps were involved. Yeah, exactly. And they just didn't want the police involved at all. So Chario, who was the waiter there, if people were talking, he would go, here's what you tell them. Hey, don't bother me, pal. I'm doing my act. That was the advice he gave the comedians. Strange advice. Don't bother me. Sometimes you have to say the obvious. Yeah. But that's why I stopped working there. They would never protect you if people were fucking talking. They would just leave them in there. Jesus Christ. The worst is I hate the, you're getting heckled, and then you go, hey, will you shut the fuck up? And the guy goes, you're a comedian. You can't handle it? And I'm like, well, I'm handling it right now. I hate this. Then you go to plan B. I'm trying to do my act. Yes, don't bother me. Hey, pal. Yeah. That was the worst advice from somebody who just didn't want to help. Yeah. I'll tell people sometimes, like, hey, these people paid to hear me. I'll tell you the guy, my friends always tell the story of this guy in Denver that was drunk. And he went on stage, he's doing his act, but he's drunk. And the crowd starts heckling him, and he goes. And he just started crying. A comedian crying on stage. What? Like, he just was drunk. So for some reason, the heckling got to him, and he just started crying. Oh, my God. I get it, though. I fucking get it. Yeah. I mean, I've done that later. You don't do that on stage. Jesus Christ. The one thing you can never do, cry. That's also fucking phenomenal. Like, I would love to have a good crying on stage. Yeah. It's humiliating. Even the first time a heckler's like, all right, I'm sorry, dude. Exactly. Yeah, that's insane. Well, how about DiPaolo? He's punched two hecklers, one in Seattle, one in Boston. Both the clubs get named Giggles. Oh, really? Coast to coast. How funny is that? Giggles. Didn't he knock one of them out? People came for Giggles. Well, one guy, he broke his leg. He didn't break his leg. Some other customers took the guy outside and broke his leg. And then, like, two years later, he DMs DiPaolo or something. And he goes. He goes, hey, remember me? I'm the guy you got to fight with. And then he broke my leg. Was he mad at him or was he going, hey? No, he was just like, hey. Oh. I was drunk. Remember me, old pal? Yeah, geez. I love the guys who are tough as shit who are like, we're going to Giggles tonight. Yes, exactly. What are you doing later? Yeah, I had a story in my act, like, back in the day about a guy who tried to beat the shit out of me. And then he had my number somehow from a drunken night. And he messaged me. He's like, oh, that bit's pretty funny, man. And I was like, you know, you're like the bad guy in that bit. Yeah, right. You know, he, like, tried to fucking. Yeah, yeah, it was definitely him. But he knew that he was the guy. Oh, yeah. He knew he was the bad guy in the bit. But he messaged me like. Yeah, I had to get your number. Because I was trying to hook up with some girl he was with. Oh, I know this story. Yeah, yeah. It was like a whole thing. But in Cleveland. But yeah, I remember he was like, he got in my face and was like, I'll fuck you up. And I completely backed down. I was like, yeah, I don't want to. Yeah, he's a local guy. There's nothing worse than a local guy. There's nothing worse than a local guy getting mad that you're trying to fuck a local girl. They weren't together, but they were like. Yeah, he's the guy friend. Yeah. Sure. Right. That's a tough move. Stinks, yeah. Yeah, but it was hilarious to do. Like, oh, he has my fucking phone number. This lunatic. I remember when Stand Up New York first opened, there was a comedian. Some guy was working the crowd from the 80s. And this guy walks in and he goes, that was really rude. It was just with my girlfriend. And the guy's like, fuck you. It's comedy. It's my act. And he starts walking. He goes, no. Wait. He goes, bang. And just fucking caught him on the button. The guy just dropped it. This is all he caught at the bar. Damn. Yeah, tell me if this is lore. But I heard somebody answer the phone, like a flip phone, in front of DePaulo while he was doing his set. And he took the phone and he goes, fuck you, closes it, and put it in the guy's Diet Coke. That's real. Is that real? I mean, that's from the list. He was there. Oh, OK. That's a crazy story. Yeah, and then the guy wanted him to buy him a new phone. And he was like, all right, fine. And then he said how much. And he was like, no, fuck you. I'm not spending that. Oh, wow. Yeah, but he took the guy's phone, dunked it in his rum and Coke, and started sipping it on stage. That's pretty emasculating. I mean, when you said it, for no second did I think it was not real. I thought the only thing maybe is you got the beverage wrong. It was the Jack and Coke. Sorry, sorry. Yeah. That's got to be pretty sad. But don't you guys feel like it's gotten, like now the crowd's chomping at the bit for crowd work? Yeah. Sometime. Not my crowd. Yeah, not on the road. I do like an hour, and then I'll do like questions at the end. Like, fuck around a little at the end. But I got to get the jokes out, you know? I feel like they want it, though. Really? Yeah. The crowd. At the cellar? No, just in general. I hope not. But I hate all the content. Everybody has to get content. You got to get to hire a guy all the time. But I do wish those Diet Coke, DePaulo moments were on film. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great if that was just out there? Like the famous guy who smashed a guitar. You know that one, right? That's a great one. Oh, my God. That's a grandpa moment. You got the light on, too. Come on, see? All right. This is the guy who turned his phone off. Immediately. Someone's giving him the light. What was that? What was that? Is that Siri? I don't know. I think it was directions of some kind. Yes. That was a real Bruce Willis moment. Aphasia. I met Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis is a love comedy. Yeah. He used to go to the Improv in L.A. all the time. Oh, cool. He was friends with Dom Herrera. Damn. Right, right, yeah. He lived in my building on the west side. You did? Yeah, and I did one scene in Cop Out with Tracy and him. And he was apparently very difficult on set. But when I met him, I'm like, yeah, we live at the. I gave him the address. He goes, oh, and he was very nice to me. My one experience with Bruce Willis was very kind. Also, he's a giant dick. He's very nice now. He has a giant penis. He never talks back. Yeah. Yeah, I heard that, too. Yeah, I was in some Korean deli once, and he just walked in and took photos with everybody. He was, like, super friendly to everybody. Yeah, he's a nice guy. Oh, wow. Is that Will? Is that him? What you talking about? He's packing, yeah. That's Bruce Willis' penis. Oh, wow. That was easy. That you could find. We couldn't find Woody Allen all day. We got Bruce Willis' dick in two seconds. He's packing. That's good. That's not Woody Allen. I mean, that's not Bruce Willis. You don't think so? Scroll up. Yeah, let's see his face. The mouth looks the same. Maybe it could be. Yeah. Okay, why don't you show him his face? I feel like it shouldn't be that easy. I'll tell you what, pal. What about the. That was good Bruce Willis. He's die soft. Sorry. Oh, he's got a gun in his ass. He died soft. That's funny. Oh, thanks. All right, all right, all right, all right. Come on. What is this, O&A? Take it easy. I like that you found one of them spread eagle. What the fuck was that? Yeah. That was horrible. Bruce would never do that. My greatest moment on O&A was Bobby was in the studio, and he gets nauseous looking at certain things. Oh, yeah. Salads. That was a one-two. No, but he can't handle a pink-socked open asshole. Oh, yeah, I get that. And I got him to puke. He was talking about something. I just caught him off guard. Yeah. And he went, Bobby puked. There's nothing funnier than Bobby. Well, you also got him with two girls, one cup. Did we? Yeah. You used to get everyone with that, though, right? Yeah, yeah. That's heavy. I don't like it. I don't like that shit. It's disgusting. Yeah. Fucking sitting there with a heart on. Yeah. It's vile. It's vile. That doesn't bother me at all. It's not sexy, but it's like, blech. What movie is that from? Dog Days. Dog Day Afternoon. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's from Bobby Deerfield. No, it's Dog Days. What the fuck is that? He wore a racing helmet in that one. That's grown-ups, too. Did you short? You ever miss the old O&A days, or was that a lot? Every minute of every day. Really? Yes. Oh, seriously? That's a lot of work, getting up that early. It was fun. It was fun, yeah. Okay. Yeah, but you stay. You're up early, and you're at the cellar every night. I mean, that was pretty impressive. Yeah. Yeah, we'd get up at five at one point. It's crazy. Whoa. Yeah, it sucked. But it was great. It was fun. I mean, some legendary moments. It was a fun time. Oh, it was great. And that's where Patrice got to really, what do you say, have two specials? But we have so many hours of him on the radio. Talking, yeah. Getting him and Louie together, him and Burr together. I mean, Maren and Joe Rogan fight. There's so much. Do they fight on the show? Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, I don't remember. Well, it was a phone call. I remember Birbiglia and Voss fighting. Yes. That was a funny one. That was great. I think Birbiglia's hated me ever since. Bill Burr and him, yeah, went at it. Bill Burr and who? Birbiglia. Did they? Yeah. Maybe I wasn't in. A lot of times, Bill would fill in if I was gone. If I was on the road, Bill would do it. Bill and Patrice would go in. But yeah, there's so many. I never listened to it, but there's so many moments. I feel like Patrice being alive now, he would have had so many just awesome takes on everything. It's just such a- Oh, my God. You're telling me the comments, we make fun of these fuckers. I know, but I know I do, but like- What if Patrice were here? We have to deal with it. I know, but losing him and Geraldo is crazy, though. Him and Geraldo being gone is crazy. It is crazy. Because we, as young comics, we're like, oh, we wanted to know them. Oh, yeah. He would like, I always think he would love that, though, knowing that we're still being tortured with people telling us. Everything we do, there's one person like, Patrice would rip you apart. Yeah, imagine Patrice. - Have you guys heard this? I was at, my wife had people over and one of her friends. the Norway game? No, it's funny you should say that. It was just for a get-together. And one of the guys was just telling me how, well, he was drunk and he just kept talking about Patrice and how much he loved Patrice. Yeah, the Scandinavians always run their mouths about Patrice. But he wasn't, no, he wasn't Scandinavian. He was someone who you'd look at and go, yeah, he likes Patrice. Patrice would really enjoy this, knowing them being tortured all these years. Every podcast you go on, people bringing up Patrice forever. They don't say you're the first person that said that to us. But he was a scary guy. I met him once and I steered clear. Oh, yeah, he was a fight. He could be mean. Oh, yeah. I mean, you fired him from Tough Crowd, right? Oh, yeah. Did you fire him or was it, I remember when the show started, he wasn't on. You guys were at a fight. You guys were at a fight, yeah. We had a fight. What was the fight about? I forget, but it wasn't show related. It was just at the table. I was like, fuck you, and I fired him. And then. How did you fire him? You just said, you're fired? I just said, you're never going to be on the fuck show. Go do your own fuck. Oh, I know what it was. These ingrates. I don't know if Jim was part of this. They were complaining about the money they got paid on the NBC show. These dummies who never even understood how much you make. They didn't understand the concept. It's not a fucking sitcom. It's scale. It's a late night show. So it's like, so Patrice and a couple of other douchebags. I don't know if Jim was part of it. You're not talking into the mic. What's that? You're not talking. He's probably part of it. Jim was probably part of it. They started bellyaching about their money. Keith, you know, and so I go, fuck it. And you've you're fucking, you're fired from the fucking new show. And then he brought his mother up. And I had to sit with him and his mother. And then I rehired him that day. Whoa. The money, Tough Crowd was supposed to pay a certain thing. I think like a grand an episode. But then the network cut it. And I remember you took me upstairs from the cellar. And you're like, look, I know we discussed this, but this is what it was going to be. It wasn't your fault. And this accountant I had at the time, I told him, he goes, I wouldn't do it if I were you. What? I was just crazy. I'm like, I didn't listen to him, of course. I wouldn't do it. I never cared about them. Was it cut in half? Almost, yeah. Oh, jeez. Yeah. But he brought his mom to this thing. That was the funniest thing. I'm sitting on his fucking eye and she goes, I don't know what to do with him. Oh, wow. But you can't fire a guy in front of his mom. That's tough. No, this is when I rehired him. He brought him in for the rehire. And everybody was like, saying, you got to bring him back. For a tough guy, that's kind of a bitch move. Let me get my mom in here. She'll get me rehired. It wasn't a bitch move. It was more like he saw me as the white school. Oppressor. No, no. Like just some figure where you bring your mom to school to get back into the school. Oh, you were the principal. Got it. It is a kid move. It's a kid move. But his mom was great. She got it. She wasn't like begging. She was just like, hey, I don't know what to do with him. He's a nightmare. Was the show on the air already when you fired him? Was it on the air already? No, it was between the episodes on NBC and then it became. So he wasn't on for the first. Wait a minute. The show went to NBC? It started at NBC. Three episodes. I didn't know that. I mean, that was the real show. Forget Tough Crowd. It was called The Colin Quinn Show. That's a catchy title. It was real. It should have gotten picked up. It was very funny. It was really funny, but they hated it. Did they? It was live on a Monday night. People don't realize. Even in those days, it was such an ethnic show they were horrified. Horrified. And we would do a minute of our act. The town hall or town square, whatever it was called, was the segment that we would do. We would just sit there and do a minute of it. It was pre-planned material into camera. Yeah. Wow. And then they didn't like that at all. Rosie was on right after she came out of the closet and you guys were. She's like, I just came out. I can't say this stuff. Right, right, right, right. Whoa. But they canceled in. Comedy Central just swooped in and grabbed me. I wouldn't say swooped. Pull up the NBC one if you can. I just want to see what it looked like because I never saw that. And then the. The cable's better because you can be a little more blue. Yeah. For the show, I mean. A little bit. But I mean, when you're doing it on net, it's like Howard Stern. Howard Stern was better when it wasn't. Right, right, right. Because you're like, dude, you shouldn't be saying this. This is going out of hand. Right. I see what you're saying. So that way it was something totally different. You know what I mean? I never knew it was on NBC. I mean, Comedy Central never told you not to do a bit, right? Or did they? They tried to a couple of times. Which ones? The Act 3s, they would always give a hard time with. They would give a lot of times. They would just be like, I mean, they'd be angry about a lot of stuff. Yeah, they were angry about a lot of stuff. But at one point, the big one to me was they said, we don't want anybody saying the N-word on the show. And. Even the N-word? I said, but. What's that? Even the N-word? Yes. Oh, wow. That's pretty crazy. So I was like, but Chappelle's on earlier than us. Right. And you let them say it. So then they're like, well, but still. And I forget, we had a lot. It's funny that the time is the issue with the N-word. Right. Well, for me, I was saying that. Yeah, I know, but it's just funny that at 11 p.m. it's okay. All the drama was usually based around content, which just put me in a bad mood. You came to us and you said. I said one thing that they said to you. Hey, look, Jon Stewart's got politics. We want you guys to do pop culture, because Chappelle's got race. Jon Stewart has pop culture. Jon Stewart has politics. You guys do. And you go, these guys will fucking kill me if I just come with pop culture stuff. I said, if I come on the show and go, hey, guys, what do you think of Paris Hilton's latest. They'll destroy me, rightfully so. Of course. They'll kill me. Were you nervous to be on? I know you ran the show, but were you nervous, Jim? Because the show is so much. Improvising on camera, on TV, in front of a live crowd. So you've got to be on your toes. Who's that, Mookie Wilson? We're your friends. Oh, my God, look at Nick. Yeah. And these guys are all murderers. You know, you just want to kill it. You don't want to be humiliated. Jim killed every episode. I mean, Jim was great. I'm just saying. But you could hit as hard as you wanted. Patrice got mad at me one time on Tough Crowd because he thought I was trying to sabotage him. I don't even remember what I was doing, but he got really, like, legit angry at me. He thought I was trying to make him look bad on TV. Oh, Jim. Back towards him. I'm like, are you a fucking idiot? Yeah, all he does is trash people on that show. I know, but it was like. He just read something wrong. Got it, got it. Yeah. I don't remember what it was. I mean, I was definitely proud of everybody. You know, like, I feel like all the regulars really listened to the mission statement, which is they weren't trying to pander. Like, there was no applause allowed on the show. This is my proudest thing about the show. Good for you. I wouldn't allow anybody to applaud. When I came out, I wouldn't allow applause. It was just a mistake in retrospect. Yes. So I came out at the beginning. But it wasn't a tough sell. I would do the monologue. We did my favorite thing of any late night host where when you would miss a joke, you'd be like, hey, I knew that one was a stinker. Like, no one ever does that. You never saw that. Don't do it, huh? We used to have to submit. I'll tell you who used to do that, Johnny Carson. Oh, okay. Remember? No one of our era, really. Johnny Carson would be like, whoa. But he didn't write his own shit. Everything I wrote was my own. Do you remember. That's crazy that you wrote. Sorry, Sam. There was an act three we had to submit in advance. Yes. And there was one I submitted which was awful. It just stunk, but you made sure. You made sure. You made sure that I kept it because you knew it was going to bomb. It was a Pac-Man going, waka, waka, waka. And I did it, and it just absolutely bombed. And you're like, no, no, just let him. The thing of the show, we would just. We had those moments inside baseball where somebody tried to get panned into the audience and get clapped there. Yeah. You're like, oh, the crowd liked that. You're a good person. Right. We would just fucking kill them. Oh, my God. I remember one time Nick bombed a joke. And Patrice goes. We bombed a joke and he took a coffee sip and Patrice goes, take another sip of timing. Yeah. And that's got a sting on TV. Yeah, it's true. It's true. But one of the best meta inside baseball was. I caught Jim and Linda, you know, Linda, the waitress from the cellar. Oh, yeah, Linda. By the way, you're still wrong about this. Jim was. She was talking about Martin Luther King and stuff like that. And Jim was being a very. A great ally to black females. Oh, weird. I said, this son of a bitch is trying to bang Linda. And then. So the next day I called her up and I said, do you want to come on the show for an act three and confront Jim and we'll have like a. And so it was me, him and her. And we sat down and Jim didn't expect it. But he handled it very well. I do remember that. She confronted you on air about it? Pull it up. So do you feel that. She was so nice, but I go, do you feel that Jim was possibly pandering to you? Just to possibly, yeah, have sex? And she goes, I honestly did feel it did cross my mind. And Jim goes, well, listen, I believe very strongly what you said. Wow. It was so funny. It was a surprise. Third act. You got to bring this show back. I just saw a picture from that episode of me, you, her, and Greg. I just saw a photo. Greg was there too? Yeah. But Jim's favorite thing, he demanded, he goes, when you do the call-in episode, you have to have me on. Yeah, you did. Damn. Call-in being on was great. That was exciting. You had Carlin, Seinfeld, Chappelle, young Chappelle, young Kevin Hart. Yes. You had everybody. You did the whole thing on the show where you would ask someone a question and then slam the door. That wasn't even on the show. That was just literally before the show in the green room. No, he did that to, yeah. Just the other guests. No one saw it. But you said the only people you chickened out were Paul Mooney and Carlin. Was there anyone else I'm missing? No, I think probably, I'm guessing it was just those two. Carlin, I would say. I couldn't have done it too, but I just couldn't. It was so funny. He would ask somebody a question. This is backstage in the green room. And then when they'd answer, he'd let the door go. And they'd be in the middle of answering, and you'd see the door, and you'd see their faces. That's hilarious. They were like guests, like people. Yeah. The door shut. He just let it go. You always knew if someone was funny. So funny. Wow. If they went with that. Yeah, yes. Someone would laugh. Doesn't feel like a lot of comics would go with that now, honestly. Yeah. Also, you had Patton Oswalt on. You had all these. Didn't you feel like it was just comics? It wasn't like a divide? No. Yeah. Now it feels way more divided, and I hate it. They weren't as babyish back then about, you know. Yeah. Like, Janine and Nick were friends. Right. Two opposites. Of course. Of course. It was a different. It was more of a Twitter. But I wonder if I. But, I mean, what would I have done? They canceled it. It's not like it was happening. Yeah. But you could always. Podcast. Yeah. It was great. I remember this one moment. I used to get drunk and watch this. Me and Soder did a gig once and got hammered back when he was drinking. We watched like nine hours of it. But there's a scene where Patrice is just off. He's just not having a good night, and he's bombing every joke. And DiPaolo is commenting on every bomb. And it's a beautiful thing. Because you never see Patrice go down. He was always the dominant one. And DiPaolo is just zigging. He called him Star Jones at one point. I mean, it was gold. DiPaolo was. Yeah. I mean, I told you that, Patrice. I must have said that on the show now. At the time, the one time I saw Patrice vulnerable, he comes up to an early, tough crowd. And he goes, my mother's a Nick DiPaolo. Me and DiPaolo sitting at the table. I told you that. And I go, we're sitting at the table, me and Nick. He goes, my mother's a Nick DiPaolo fan. She thinks Nick's like a handsome guy. My mother loves Nick DiPaolo. Like this nice moment. And DiPaolo, they even look at him. He just looks at me and goes, great. Now I know my demographic. School cafeteria worker. Oh, my God. And Patrice goes, oh, my God. Nick's an asshole. Oh, my God. Boy, his mom was around a lot, huh? Yeah, she was. I feel like, quit bringing your fucking mom around. We're trying to have a good time here. She was around. She was very fun, though. She was. She was. She was really cool. When you saw her, you're like, yeah, that's Patrice's mother. Yep. That's fun. She was, yeah. Got it. Fat and black. I assume. I assume. That's a great guess. Okay. What the hell else would you know? That's the unadorned version. Yeah, yeah. There you are. You're not incorrect. Hey, you guys have any peeves? We do pet peeves on this show. Oh, yeah. I don't know if they prepped you with that. Oh. I've done the show, but I forgot that part. All right. Working on any bits? Oh, well, all right, enough. What? He always tries to direct. Wait, pet peeve. I'd love to hear your pet peeve. Oh, I've got a number of them, as you can imagine. Sure. My latest pet peeves? Oh, I mean. You got one? I hate, well, I'll tell you what, the number one thing I hate in comedy right now, which is the level of buildup when you're going on stage. I don't need you to go, let's get some, I literally tell these old guys, I go, don't be bringing me up by saying, let's get some energy in here. Oh, yeah. I don't need you to build me up. First of all, it's implying that. That's low. I don't need you to, hey, this guy's not getting any energy. Right. Yeah. You don't like him. I'm going to make you like him. Right. Second of all, then you get up and he was screaming, let me fucking build them with laughs. What the fuck are we cheering? It's not a fucking pep rally. Yes. It's not a fucking Jets game. Not that they cheer a Jets game, but you know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's my number one. That's a good one. My pet peeve, people who are not kind to animals. That's a good one. What about rats? What about rats? What about rats? They deserve to die. They kind of. Yeah. Because they hit us on an instinct level. It's not conscious when you react to rats. I've had two in my home. They deserve to fucking die. Oh, yeah. That's right. You hear the rat story. You never heard that one. Brutal. Yeah. We can do comedy peeves all day. I don't love when they blow you too much, when they're bringing you up this next guy. Oh, my God. One of my favorites. One of the best. Yes. Build it up too much. Don't do it because now they're going, oh, really? Let me see this guy. I'll be the judge of that. Yeah. Especially when you're just stopping in to do a spot. They go, you know, sometimes a special guest. Yeah. Oh, that's brutal. I'm disappointed. And I know it's me. They're like, Chappelle? Nope. Although Keith Robinson, my third or fourth time at the Cellar, he goes, he was actually hosting. And he goes, guys, you guys are in for a treat. Jerry Seinfeld. The crowd goes apeshit. And then he goes, I'm just kidding. Mark Norman. And it fucked me. My whole set for like 11, 12 minutes. I had to dig out of that hole. But it was pretty well done. Yeah. I hate that too. A big booming intro or you guys are in for a treat. Yeah. We have special guests stop by. Yeah. I also don't love, and this is a me thing. You can do it. It's just I don't love it. But every comic going, give it up for your host. Give it up. We're on the sixth comic. Thanks for supporting live comedy. We're putting on a good show here. You don't have to thank them. Because if you really count. It was $10 to get in. Yeah. If you count how many times they make the audience applaud, it's kind of ridiculous. Okay. Here's the other one. We have six more comics to go. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one. We have a hundred more comics. Yeah, that one's a lot. Right before you go up. 34 more comics, folks. Don't worry. Also, a new thing where they go, start clapping right now. Start clapping right now. That's a new thing. Yeah, that's part of the whole fucking thing. Yeah. You don't have to charge them up for me. Let me do the fucking job. Yeah. I'm with you. Just a nice, tepid round of applause. Yeah. And then I'll take it from there and build it. Well, you're starting from here, right? I'm saying you're starting from here. All right. All right. They want somebody to run around the states like, what's up, fucking New York? Fucking hate that shit. Yeah. How about that? You can't say what's up in the city ever. What's up? What's up, New York? What's up, New York? What's up, Cleveland? Specials starting with that shit that I hate, too. I wonder if I did that. I wonder if I've done that. I'm thinking. Cat Williams does that. He does 20 minutes on Jacksonville. Doing material on a place is one thing. Okay. I'm saying I don't want people saying, what's up? I'm sick of cheers. I think cheers. Cheers be cut out. And comedy should only be judged by the amount of laughs you get. No fucking applause. Here, here. No cheers. Whoa. That's good stuff, Colin. Yeah. If Colin had a president, I know who it would be. You ever have that moment where you get on stage and you're like, good to be here in Cleveland. Holy shit. I'll say that in a funny way. Yeah. To pretend I don't remember. Jim goes, here at my favorite club, the Funny Bone. That's fun. I'll say here in Cleveland, but I'm in Detroit. No, we're just kidding. It's so funny. All those hack jokes, they were funny. Whoever said them first. Whoever did them first is a genius. You know? Well, genius might be pushing it, but yeah. No, no, no. I'm going to stand by genius. The guy that goes, Funny Bone is a genius. Yeah. The first guy who said, I'm working and you're bothering me. Do I go down to the corner and slap the dicks out of your mouth? That guy's a genius. Whoever said that. Yeah, he was funny. The first guy that said, what do you do for a living? Things could be a little more vague. Right. Yeah. I once heard two comics back in the late 80s. One guy goes, you did vague. I do vague. And I was like, what kind of hack am I? I'll go cryptic. You can have vague. Yeah. Right, right. Hey, you bother me when I'm working. Do I go down to the peep booth and slap the mop out of your hand? Right. That one always made me laugh. First guy to do that. Really funny. I think that was you. No, I actually did that for a living. That was actually my job. Who was the first fat guy to do the, let me get the mic stand out of the way? You know what, dude? Was that Panette or Louis? Louis was before Panette. No, before any of those guys. It was a guy named Frank. I saw it before they even started. Frank D'Amico was this Brooklyn comic. Oh, God. Fat guy. And she did the F and F. Oh, really? Eddie and V Paul. Whoa. It was around. I think Louis Anderson is the first one. Louis did it in the 80s. Let me move this. I bet it was a goddamn, I bet it was one of those vaudeville jokes. Yeah. Probably, yeah. Lou Costello probably did it. There you go. Did Richard Lewis come up with From Hell? He said, yeah. He says he did. He says he did. You think that's true? I can believe it. Yeah, I mean, I can't think of anyone else who did it. The mother-in-law from hell, the wife from hell. Yeah. It's one of those clams here, like, yeah, fine, who cares? Yeah. I guess, yeah. It's like, it's not like. It's something I don't use. I say on crack a lot. That's really funny. We should do, we should look at all the great movie comedians, like, how you doing, sir? Bald-headed fake. Yeah. Remember? Raging Bull. The best. He's rock bottom in Raging Bull. He's a comedian. Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of people. Slow point. Yeah, good point. Same with Stormy Daniels, Chris Kattan, you name it. Yeah. He bald-headed fake. I thought you were just talking to Jim. Well, plug some dates. Where are you guys going to be? I'm going to be in South Jersey. I got a bunch of dates. Just go to Jim Dayton. He's the box guy. We don't want to say dates. It's degrading. Just go to, what the fuck? I'm not even going to promote it. Well, you don't want to say your dates. I need to say my dates. No, you don't. You don't. All right. First of all, if you're in Dayton, you have bigger problems than saying your dates. I mean, yeah. We started August 3rd here. Okay, great. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. All right. Just go to JimDorton.com. There you go. I'm everywhere. Hey, Bijou's. That's a good room. Is it? Yeah. Knoxville. Oh, that's one of the best rooms, dude. That's great. I hope they have a curtain. It's like, weirdly, the best crowd. Great theater. There's a funny bone in Dayton? Yeah. Yeah. That's a tough one. September in East Providence, Rhode Island for a nice long weekend there. in Burlington, Vermont? Pennsylvania. Oh, Skankfest, yeah. You're staying pretty east. New Orleans. Yeah. You should come to that. Why can't we just talk about Confederacy of Dunces? Best comedy book ever written. That's all I'm going to talk about. I've got to read it. And they should make a movie. What? Sam, you haven't read it? Sam, it's the best. I can't believe I wasn't to read it. You should read it. You're a reader. Norton loves it, too. I've read half of it. What? I haven't finished it. This is shocking to me. Colin Quinn at Comedy on State. Great club. Yeah, that was two weeks ago. How was it? Update your site. Yeah, I know. Homeless. And my niece, Shannon. Great club. Helium Comedy Club in Philly. Great club. That's a good one. Love that room. Helium? Yeah. It's a great room, right? Tile Center or Tillis? Don't make fun of my gig. Brooklyn, New York. Brooklyn, New York. That's in October. Is it the Mel Tillis Center? Stafford Township Art Center in Manahawken, New Jersey. Hell, yeah. Yeah, I do my joke, Manahawken. Manahawken. Dead Manahawken here. What about, um, yeah. Bray, I got Bray Improv in August. Are you guys just saying this so you can promote your dates? You're being polite, but putting on fucking dates? Of course. We're going to cut them out. No, they'll leave a minute to be polite. Yeah. We got to get Manahawken. Shout out. What do you got here, Sam? I'm just in Bray, California, August 25th. I like that club. Great club. Then I got them all over Europe. Portugal, Indiana. Whoa. Budapest. Tickets still available. Zagreb, Vienna, Warsaw. It's called Budapest. You can't say Budapest. Helsinki. Yeah, Warsaw, Sweden. Hamburger bars. And then I just added Nashville and San Diego. So I'll see you on there. I'll add some more dates. Wait, San Diego where? American Comedy Club. Is that a good club? Yeah, I haven't been there in years, but it's pretty solid. Good room. I'm a La Jolla man, myself. I like that one, too. Good, good room. Great club. Oh, and watch my specials on YouTube now. You've changed. I got it back from Amazon. So it's on YouTube. It's out of jail. Hey, we're at Cobb's. Love that Cobb's. San Francisco. Houston Improv. That's a big room. So please, come out. Nashville. Hello. Please, we need you. Pittsburgh Improv. That's a tough market out there. Yeah. That's a big room, too. I fucking told them. What, the Pittsburgh Improv? Oh, man. That's hard. It's not in Pittsburgh. No. Homestead or wherever. That's right. I did it once. I was barely selling. This guy comes up to me and goes, "Don't feel bad. Kenny Chesney's in town next month." A lot of people are spending their money elsewhere. You got the Pittsburgh Pirates jacket. I didn't know if you were a Pittsburgh fan. Oh, forget about it. Regina, come on out. How's that? Never been. Should be interesting. How's Calgary? Calgary's great. Great town. Who's opening for you, Bonnie? I don't think so. Is she from there? Is she? She's from Edmonton. Ah. Acme in Minneapolis. Comedy works in Denver. Nice. Acme. Comedy on State. Gotta follow Colin. Yeah. Keep clapping. Portland, Bethlehem, Las Vegas. Vegas, Portland. You guys don't play games? You guys don't fuck around, do you? I need new headshots. I gotta come up with new pictures. I like that you have new pictures for your tour. Oh, yeah. I'm using the same one from last time. Get that one. That's you after a game. I've lost weight. Not that anybody would think to compliment me on this program. But I've lost weight. You look great. Oh, come on. Very nice. I mean, I do appreciate that. But, um, yeah. I'm ready for some photos. They're trying to wrap it up and we won't let them. Of course I understand that. Are you doing the Ozem? No. Good for you. The old fashioned way. Yeah. Nice. Aids. Came in. Holloway. At the buzzer. They do say that. He's just keeping it going. One more drink. One more drink. You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink. One more round. One more round. It's 5 a.m. You pricks. The bar keep round. This is what we do. Catch up for a few. We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2. Talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2. 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