143: Cloud Kiss with Michael Rowland | Soder Podcast | EP 140

Hey, everybody. I'm back on the road. I am back on the road, working out a new hour. It's a long process, and we're at the very beginning of it. But I am going to be at New York Comedy Club in Stanford, Connecticut. I'm going to be there July 16th through the 18th, doing five shows. Greg Stone will be with me. And then, just for laughs, Montreal, we added a late show to Club Soda on July 25th. It's a late show, I believe, at 9.30 now. Might be 9 o'clock. DanSoda.com for full ticket info, and where you can also get tickets to see me July 31st and August 1st at the Albany Fuddy Bone. Might be bringing Sag Daddy to God. It might be happening. DanSoda.com, full ticket info, and all tickets available there. I'll see you on the road. Hope you're having a good week. It's just two white guys in hats sitting on a bus. I know. I saw your hat, and I was like, okay, good. I just didn't. I got to get up early for the regs, and I was like, dude, I'm not taking a shower. I'm like, fuck this shit. I didn't shower today. What's funny about white dudes in ball caps now is we just look like ice at lunch. I know. Also, we have to know about our teams. Yeah, dude. Black guys don't have to know about their teams. People are coming up to me saying, like, different players on the team. Are you not a Braves guy? Dude, I don't give a fuck. Because that is, you know what? I like being from Atlanta. That's what I like. That's what I care about. I'll tell you what that is. Michael Rowland. Tell me. Hilarious comedian. For those of you watching the podcast going, Soder, you need to do intros. Michael Rowland. Go watch his stand-up. He's also on the show Animal Control, Joel McHale on Fox. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. White guys with pointing out sports facts in hats are autism. Yeah. It's like where I see you, and I go, like, David Justice. And if you don't immediately go, one of the greatest hitters of all time. Yeah, yeah. I go, ugh. I know. People have really gotten in my ass about it. Sometimes I'll lie. Sometimes I'll just go, like, yeah. Yes. And that's enough. That's enough. That's enough for somebody. Anytime you're wearing sports memorabilia and someone says something to you, you just go, yeah, absolutely. Have you, see, I'm like, if I see you in a hat, I'm going to try to relate. That's how I always related to men. Yeah. I was talking sports. I didn't have a dad. And I learned when my mom was dating guys. That's how I related to my dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad didn't like me. He was out of my mind. He was out of my life. So when he would call me, I better have fodder. I better, like, talk to him about something. So I talked to him about the 49ers or the San Francisco Giants. It's what literally made my sports fan. This is what I do with my dad. My dad, I think, does like me. We don't have any of the same interests at all. At all? At all. Does he get comedy? Yes, but no. Like, no. His sense of humor kind of sucks. But you know what he is? He's like, I watched him give a speech at my sister's wedding, and I watched my sister's wedding, and I watched my sister's wedding, and I watched my mom give a speech. My mom has good taste. My mom was like, we're watching this. We're watching, like, the Daily Show with Jack Torrey, and she'd be like, this is good shit. And then my dad would be like, I heard this joke about a Chinese guy today. And you're like, oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think that's the recipe for a comedian is one funny parent that gets it and one parent that's just sheer drive. Drive. And he really was. When he did his wedding speech, he was good. He was. He was. His wedding speech, people were coming up like, your dad's great. He just said a bunch of stuff like he crushed. My mom on stage, awful. But a writer. Awful. But she's a writer. No. No, offstage. No. She's got taste. Oh, that's it. She's got taste. But everything she said, I was like, ooh, this is rough. This is tough. Mom's coming off as very unlikable right now. Ooh. But she's got the taste. You know what she wants to perform. She's got taste. No execution. My recipe was my dad was, like, world-class funny. Really? Yeah. And my mom is entertaining. My mom is, she's very entertaining. She can be funny. My mom can be funny. My dad was funny. Yeah. So my dad was always funny. My dad was like, he would throw jokes that it took me 10 years after I saw him last, like, get it. Be like, oh, that's funny. Wow. My mom can perform her ass off. What do you mean by that? My mom is like, can, like, hold court at a party. She's like a presence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom's got a large presence. And I realize. I was like, oh, that's, it's like when you see athletes and one of their, like, an NFL player and their dad played in the NBA, but then you find out their mom was, like, a track star. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go, that's why you have that mix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was it. Gary was, like, super funny, my dad. And Trish, my mom, was, like, very, she's very performative. She's, like, a dramatic, and I mean this in a positive way. Yeah. She's, like, got, like, stage presence. Yeah. And so you're like, oh, yeah. So, like, I was just in Tampa, and one of my mom's friends, she was like, oh, yeah, that she used to work with, like, 30 years ago at this insurance company, was like, oh, you got your mom's performance, you know? And I was like, oh, yeah. And he was like, your mom's, like, a large presence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when you see that in your parents, you go, oh, it does. I see it in my dad, absolutely, when he's on stage. But then my dad's, like, I remember when I was a kid, my mom was like, we're going to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off. You're going to fucking love this. Yeah. And I was, like, watching it, like, oh, my God. It's the best movie of all time. This guy's awesome. This guy's getting away with everything. And my dad's sitting there, like, this fucking. My dad's, like, that guy's, like, this fucking piece of shit kid doesn't want to do his work. Which, by the way, if you're a dad, of course. Yeah, dude. Was he getting that mad, though? Yeah, he was getting riled up, like, why are we showing him this shit? My mom's like, shut up. Oh, you square. You fucking square. Yeah, that is, when your parents come and watch you in Atlanta, are they, like, have they ever given you notes that hurts? No. They're, like, my parents are nice. My parents are nice. They're supportive. They want me to do. My mom. She wants me to be clean. She, my mom, the first comic she took me to see was Bill Cosby when I was 12. Whoa. Very sweet, supportive lady. She's like, we're going to see Bill Cosby. That didn't age well? No. And she'd be like, why can't you be clean like Bill? And then everything came out about Bill Cosby. I was like, why don't you just let me do my fucking thing? It's not great. Where I'm, like, the dirtiest version of myself on stage and then off stage. I'm like, you know. A sweet boy. Yeah, I'm not doing weird shit. A sweet boy that's not fucking sleeping women. That's the craziest shit. That is the craziest shit because it really was. Guys, people that are young, young people now don't understand that before Cosby got in trouble, he was the prime standard of, like, why don't you act this way? Why aren't you like Bill Cosby? I'm getting goosebumps thinking about that show. It was awesome. He was, oh my God. Cosby Show is, if not the greatest sitcom of all time. I never watched that many episodes. I was about to do the baseball thing where I was like, yeah, of course. Oh, yeah. I've seen, like, a few episodes of the Cosby Show. You're younger than me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up when it was. I grew up when it was on television, when it was, like, when the Cosby Show came on, you were like, yo, I remember the last Cosby Show. I remember, like, this is it. Cosby Show's going away, and you're like, no, this is, like, a standard. Like, it can't go. Like, people were, like, the last cheers. You're like, no, this can't go anywhere. And then. Gone. Hannibal fucking took him out. Took him. Off a riff. Off a fucking riff. That's how hot Hannibal was at the time. Hannibal was so famous, his riff killed an icon. Killed a fucking. That couldn't be killed. That couldn't be taken down. People knew. He's on. Dude, he's on the news being, like, Spanish Fly. Have you seen those clips? Dude, I'll show you an even better one. Big Jay showed me one from the Cosby Show, where he's like, oh, your barbecue sauce. And he goes, it gets you the little bit of the. I put something in it. It gives you the little bit of the. Whatever he does. He does a Cosby thing, where he's like, gives you the weeble wobbles. Jay showed me that clip, and I was like, he's like the BTK killer. Yeah. He's like. He's bragging about it in letters. He's like, you won't catch me. He's just letting out little hints. No one can catch me. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Waking up. Sick fuck. After a guy like Cosby shits you, has to be like, no one's going to believe this. You know what I mean? That's why it's so dastardly. Nobody's going to believe you. When you wake up, you are not going to believe. And you're like, you fucking monster. You got out of jail, didn't you? What a monster. I don't know. I really don't know. Did you look that up? I think there was, like, something that they let him out. I'm amazed. This is my, I'm amazed with the human brain that there are people that still defend him. That go like, you motherfuckers, he was fine. And you're like. Well, I think usually. He was released in 2021. Oh, really? Yeah, dude, he's out. And he's got those homeless, he's got old dog eye now. Yeah. Where it's all cloudy and he's like. Puffy. Where are they keeping him? Did you see that photo? The video of him. Where he goes. You know what that is, though? That's like. You know what that reminds me of is when Kevin Spacey did the video of him in character. And he's like, y'all missed me, didn't you? And you go, Kevin. No. Fuck you. We don't need this right now. That was like Cosby when he did that, like, because he was trying to be funny. Because back in the day. I still got it. That would have gotten. Yeah, yeah. Like, 90s, him doing that. Everyone would have been like, Bill. Bill. And now they're like. Bill's crazy. Fucking. I know. Just lives in Pennsylvania. Imagine bumping into old, out of jail Bill Cosby. Because I'll tell you right now, I wouldn't have the nuts to say shit. No, I wouldn't. I'd go, sir. Himself is the perfect hour of stand-up comedy. Watch that Dennis bit. Got it on VHS, baby. It is. From my mom. That was my mom. Just being like, grooming me. Just being like, look at this. How about this? She saw it. Like, she put me in a comedy when I was a kid. She was like, check this. Look at this. Have you ever. Have you ever. - Talk to her about Cosby? now oh yeah she's like all right oh she does yeah she's i get to do whatever i want she came to a show i'm like you know i'm dirty she's like all right as long as you're not out there like a rascal that's so funny yeah this is fine as long as you're not i didn't know how bad it could get for you comedians man that's what's so funny is back in the day when your parents found out i'm talking about like before us your parents had shame that you were going into the entertainment industry that you were like a clown but now that all these all this shit's coming up about comics they go did i raise a monster yeah yeah did i raise a horrible kid because you go no i just just wanted to be silly most of us are just like now i just wanted to be silly fuck around it's so fun yeah and then to have that though where they go oh there is a much darker side i wasn't well everybody loves that fucking narrative i've taken like trips with my mom where you like hang out with other older people and they're like oh these fucking squares i remember this one guy i was on like a river cruise with him my mom and a guy's like well after after robin williams died it seems like these comedians are just offing themselves left and right are you a little depressed and i was like what i would have looked him dead in the eyes go i'm gonna put you in my note i'm gonna name you in my note i'm not that clever i'm not that quick i was just like no no we don't know we don't know we don't that could have been masturbation it's like a small percentage honestly and they already had like a bad disease that he just didn't want to let progress yeah i think my mom saw all the checks and she went uh substance abuse problem uh no relationship with his father she goes it's probably the best place he could have yeah she really looked at it she was like fuck man you're doing great this or jail you turn it into a fucking probably all right yeah man thank god i was just old enough to to miss oxycontin i was just old for real it no for real though like it really i'm not joking when i say that so many people i got addicted to percocets in high school really because at the time you that was the highest strength oral pain pill you could take oxycontins came out when i was in college and i was already an alcoholic yeah yeah and i just did i already got through the pill thing yeah yeah if that shit would have hit in high school i absolutely would have done it are you still smoking the weeds yeah hell yeah yeah dude what i gotta get i gotta get back to no booze just weed no booze just weed for listen i keep going up there's people that it doesn't work i have to do it to me it's the best mixture it is it's a lovely mixture i've done it just a great success i've done like a year with no booze just weed lovely life i also got into kratom's for a little bit kratom is dangerous kratom's a dangerous one it'll scratch that itch if you got a little yeah pain itch i knew people that were like kratom and also like i never got into like zoloft xanax no i never got into that stuff when i was in college all the hot girls would take a piece of a xanax bar and drink on it and then black out yeah and i mean it's like why this is when i'm the most insecure when i have the least amount of money yeah and i'm trying to get pussy and i'm like i'm shocked i never did zany bars shocked why didn't you because i didn't like them you didn't like how it felt you didn't after i got over percocets when i was in high school i was like i don't like pills that's kind of how i felt i did them once i once i got them and i did it on an airplane i didn't i hadn't drank for like a year and i was like flying somewhere and i was like time to start time to start again and i took his annex and then i drank a couple drinks on the flight and my brother was like you disappeared for an hour i was like what he was like on the flight you were gone for an hour and then eventually a stewardess brought you back to the seat wait you were gone i thought i was mentally no you just got up i like got up and i have no memory of it i have no memory of it i think i would maybe i went to the bathroom you sat down in a different seat you go hey this middle seat's open you don't know all i know is the stewardess brought me back to my seat after an hour and my id and my credit cards were gone we're gone we're gone damn dude someone has your driver's license i met this guy and he insisted i take his driver's license just kept saying take it take it when you quit for a year i'm always interested about this because i sometimes um like fantasize what it would be like to come back to booze but when i have friends that do come back to booze they're like i didn't like it some people don't like it because you immediately don't feel control yeah i mean kind of it's kind of i mean it's like i'm going to get hammered when you first came back yeah yeah you're not like you're the thing is you're thinking like okay i'm gonna i'm gonna come back to it i'm gonna do two yeah do three and then you're like you remember why you like drinking you're like oh yeah i just run this out i feel incredible yeah just keep going why would we stop more of this when i first i always would do this thing or i'd go when i hit 10 years i'm gonna have one night of drinking i'm gonna come back for one night nice and i was talking to nate bargetzi about it and i was like i'm gonna drink on friday i go here's what i want 10 years in i'm gonna drink and i'll call you i'll call joe de rosa i'll call al jackson i'll call all the people i used to drink with we'll go to the creek and drink and he's like yeah one night and i went you know what though i probably should drink beers on friday night just to get used to it for saturday and nate stops and he goes you've already had two nights you're like yeah this is why i have to quit it's summertime means you're trying to lose weight probably trying to 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month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gbs greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabyte hotspot capable device required availability speed and coverage varies see mint mobile.com i'll tell you this the last season of animal control we did i didn't drink for the whole season i was like i want to be i want to be good i want to be focused and then at the wrap party i was like i'm gonna do it and very quickly it was like three nights you're just like you wake up the next day and you're like hung over and you're like well we gotta let me get a margarita you gotta take the edge off this i do still after all this time is day drinking yeah the idea of getting drunk during the day to me still sounds so fun i used to like it on the road i used to make friends with the people that work at target because i was half in the bag yeah when i'd go to target for like socks you know when you're like hey what's your name when you were on the road were you were you would you would day drink up into the shelf like occasionally yeah if i was very hung over from what it was was thursday was always travel friday maybe if i drink usually hard on thursdays because there's one show yeah friday if i went really hard i would absolutely have to drink on saturday yeah shout out my friend greg rampage usa lives in seattle um i went up there i was doing shows in kirkland washington and i got blackout on a on a friday it's completely blacked out and woke up one of the worst hangovers i've ever had in my life we were supposed to get dinner me and greg were supposed to get dinner saturday before the show i was so hung over that i had to drink three margaritas at dinner just to get even and i remember watching him watch me be like the fuck and i was just like like it was medicine i was like and then after the third one i was like you want to do a shot you're starting to feel it again i'm back baby yeah because then you're drunk again yeah yeah look who came back look is okay but i always did feel like a rat packer when i was hammered during the day or i was like baby everything's fine i feel like that's how guys just used to live dude and it martini lunches yeah that really was like businessmen would go get fucking drunk at work at lunch and they make business and then they sexually harass their secretaries when they come back. They go, Debra, you look good in that pencil skirt. Hold my meetings. Then they come in the office like, I wonder if they got sloppy. No one ever talks about old people at martini lunches. And they must have. They must have. They must have. Well, there's, I mean, you've watched Mad Men. No. No? Never watched Mad Men. I mean, you want to talk about martini lunches, a retrospective, that's a fucking show. That's the whole show? They just went, whoa, martini lunches. They go, you got Jon Hamm. It is like Jon Hamm just like at 3 p.m. on a couch laying down being like, I'm brainstorming. And then one guy pisses himself and they fire him because he couldn't hold his shit. Because he can't handle his shit. Yeah. That's where, man, if you were an alcoholic in the 50s, you could thrive. Which they all were. But if you had the actual, now that we know it's like a gene, like an addictive gene. Yeah. If you had the genetics to be an alcoholic in the 50s, you were a fucking. You were a fucking monster. My grandfather, huge, both of them. Shout out. Shout out. Henry John Rowland I. My boy came back from World War II, just got after it. And he was a salesman. His boss was a drunk. And this was back when, if you were driving drunk, the police would be like, Jon, what are you doing? Take a nap. Take a nap, Jon. Jon. Get in the back of the cruiser. I'm taking you home. I'm taking you home. Where's the missus? You ran it up on a damn hydrant again, Jon. Yeah. I'm taking you home. They go, the Hendersons are going to be mad, but I'll cool it off with them. Why don't you go take a nap? I'm going to smooth it over. Take a nap, Jon. The first, I've talked about this before, but I'm fascinated about it. Adjusting to a world of DUIs must have been like, what the fuck, dude? I said, when did that happen? Can you look up when DUIs went national? Because my dad had so many DUIs that I did not know about until my grandma died and I cleaned her house out. And I just found all this paperwork. Wait, really? Yeah. Yeah. My dad died in 97. My grandma died in 20, 23. R.I.P. R.I.P. I think that's what my grandma did. Yeah. And I had to clean out her house and I just found like. All of his DUIs. A lot of paperwork. I found a lot of paperwork where I was like, damn, I think he had at least four. Dude, my dad was telling me his dad would just like, he was just getting fucked up on the regular. It was never bad. It was never mean. They could hold it. No, I think he was like, he was. Oh, you don't think so? I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. He would come home and be like. Oh, he was like blackout. He was blackout. And my dad is like a very serious guy because of that. My dad is like. Yeah, because he watched his dad be a clown. He was the oldest of five. Yeah, he was the oldest boy. And he was just like, I guess this is on me. Dude. I guess this is me now. The kids then knew the position. They were like, I have to be the man of the house. Yeah, my dad. They couldn't go blog about it. He's a very serious man. Or podcast like our bitch asses. I know. 1906. That is early. It took a while to get to the South. If you look up national. When was it federally a DUI? Because there were states that probably fought that. Kentucky. Yeah, the South is pretty late to stuff. Well, Georgia. You're from Georgia. Yeah. But Kentucky's obsessed with bourbon and whiskeys. They are. So I feel like they were the last ones to go like. We have to drink. But then you're from Colorado. And that feels like out West. And it feels like. They're lawless. Don't tell us what the fuck to do. It was very lawless. So it's a little scrambled. 80s and 2000s. That's when it really came here. DUI primarily regulated by individual states. But federal involvement grew significantly in the 80s and the 2000s. Yeah. This is why my dad had a lot of DUIs. Because I genuinely think. He was coming out of the 70s being like. We do whatever we want in the 80s. In the Bay Area? Yeah. They were fucking doing yak. Yeah. They were doing coke. They were drinking. They were smoking fucking weed. San Francisco in the 60s and 70s was fucking wild. Yeah. So I can't imagine them going. You can't drive anymore. Key milestones include the 1984. National Minimum Drinking Age Act. Established a 21-year-old minimum. And the 2000 passage of the.08 BAC National Standard. That's it. That's what it was. 1984. They did that. And then 2000. President Clinton. That kid fucking cannibal. Had to go and sign legislation requiring states to adopt. I would hate it. What a fucker. He made the three-strike rule. And he brought DUIs in. You know what's funny, though? My dad was dead in 97, so he was getting state DUIs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't getting that federal shit. He was working for it. It became a federal case of committed on federal land. I got a Dewey. State levels date back to early 1900s. 1906. You got one? I got a bad one. Did you? Bad, bad. Can I tell you? That's the one thing I got away from was no kids, no DUIs. That's beautiful. My drinking was a success. How did you get it? Oh, man. Well, it was just. Back in Atlanta when we were doing stand-up. This was around the time when you came down there. Probably. Yeah. Maybe after. I don't know. Before. I did Punchline. And then I did Laughing Skull with Jordan Temple. Yeah. In like 2015. Yeah. And I was your host. Yeah. And I drove you to do the regular guys. Yeah. 96 Rock. 96 Rock in the morning. Yeah. So this might have been before because I wasn't driving for a while after this. But it was just so normal for us. In Atlanta, like it was very. We were all drinking hard. And then it was like. Just go home. It got very. It got too normal. And then I was at the Laughing Skull. And I had done a show. Was that a biker bar? It's just like a bar with a bunch of biker chicks on the walls. And like a giant wood penis. It was a good bar. Everybody smokes inside. That's great. Yeah. What a fun time. Can't get mad about that. I was fucking. I had already had some drinks. And I went outside. And there was this homeless guy that was like. He had all these American flags. And he was like. I was in the Navy. And I was like. My dad was in the Navy, brother. And he goes. Really? What? What part? And I was like. He was a CB. And the guy's like. I always wanted to be a CB. This is the Naval Engineers. And I was like. Get your ass in here. I'm buying you a drink. And then we went into the bar. And I just bought this homeless dude a bunch of drinks. We were like doing shots and beer. That's all he wants. Yeah. And then I got like a little. I like felt like I hit my limit. I was like. Okay. I got to go. And I left him in the bar. And I went. And I drove to Taco Bell on Ponce in Atlanta. And I get a text from the bar manager that's like. Hey, you're banned from the bar. And I was like. Why? He was like. You brought a homeless guy in here. You got him wasted. And now he's refusing to leave. I left him with drinks. And he was just. Like he got fucked up. And he refused to leave. You gave that guy. You let him into the chocolate factory. And then you just let the Oompa Loompas deal with him. You like brought him in. And you're like. That's the river of chocolate. He goes. Well, I'm going to take a shit in there. And they go. Please don't. Please don't. But I got to go. Chocolate. So. And then. So you got banned from the bar. I got banned from the bar. That was the last message I see. I get all my food from Taco Bell. Fall asleep. Do you remember your order? Something big. I would. I had big eyes. Big eyes. Bigger than the stomach. I always would do a gordita and a chalupa. And you're like. Who are you? Shit like that. And then also a burrito. I was like on that type of time. And so I don't remember this part. But apparently what happened is I went over and I parked. And I ate my shit. And then I fell asleep with it on my bed. On my chest. Oh. You were hammered. And a cop came up. To be fair. I pulled over. I stopped the car. Were you in a parking lot? No. I was. I pulled over on the side of the street. And a cop came and knocked on the window. I don't remember this. He knocked on the window. And apparently what I did was I woke up. And I waved at him. And I drove away. No. And I drove away. No. At a very slow speed. And he pursued me for maybe two miles. Two miles. He pursued me for two miles. Two miles. Until I eventually drove over this highway. And then over some lanes of traffic. Up onto a curb slowly. And then hit a pole. Slowly. Slowly. Just you bumped into it? Yeah. And what I remember. This is the scary part. This is the part that's not funny to me. Is where I remember coming to with my foot on an accelerator. And feeling a car not moving. And trying to accelerate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which if it was any. He just got his mag light on you. Looking at the other cop like. What the fuck. Who the fuck is this guy? And it is. Here you go. Hey. And he begs out the window. He goes. Fucking stop. And I'm like. That's what I'm like. Oh fuck. Like. I'm like. And so. I go to jail. Night in jail. I go to holding. Fulton County holding. My mom comes and picks me up. I cry. I cry. I was ashamed of myself. You know. Jail. Our holding. Not so bad. They they put us all in this giant room and we watched two and a half men. Hey. For like a long time. Men. Men. Men. Men. We watched so much two and a half men. They're getting you ready. And I was like. I remember there were guys over to the right. Yeah. There's guys over to the right. You can see all the DUI guys. And I'm like. I'm not going to sit with the pussy DUI guys. Fucking pussy. I'm going to murder. I'm going to sit with the real guys. All the real guys are just homeless guys. Yeah. That they've just taken in. They go. I heard you take us in and buy us. As long as we say we're in the Navy. And I was. I was between these two guys and one guy. They like didn't exchange over me where this guy took his sock off and he had like a little crack in between his toes and he gave it to the guy for a bologna sandwich. Damn. What a good trade. Honestly. Bologna sandwich for crack. A little crack. You can't find that on. You can't find that trade on the outside. You can't. That's how long you're in there. Dude. Like hours. You know. I actually got my mom. My mom. and I was like, I was very ashamed. was very apologetic and i was also what 26 27 years old there's nothing to punish she was just like yeah you up damn they took your license no the cop was new oh this happened the cop had moved from alabama and i was like where are you from man i was in the back and i was drunk i remember this i was like where you from and he goes alabama and i was like you're gonna arrest me in my city i was like so funny i was like do you who runs the atl outcasted me yeah dude you go in order i'm gonna tell you where it is that poor police officer and then you're gonna arrest me in my city the guy went oh i wouldn't mind shooting you in the chest i'd love to shoot you in the chest wouldn't mind eliminating you on this earth dude dickhead you're gonna arrest me in my city i'd be like i hate you yeah what the very hateable listen obviously there's bad cops that do up but there's so many good cops that have to put up with like that all the time you're gonna arrest me in my city he goes i just got shot at an apartment complex three hours ago i don't want to deal with you you like that ego like drunk ego of being like who the are you he was also nice enough i had forgotten something like in my car and he went back to the scene and got it and then brought it back to the jail i think i was nicer to him after that yeah you go oh we had a long ride to the station did you get drunk and cry like when my mom found out the osco drugs was crazy she's like oh you brought it back for me i love you and the cops like holy you shouldn't have been driving no at that point i was hard i was hard to buy the taco bell thank you i wanted my yo there was a girl like that on the inside i'll never forget she wouldn't shut the up like you did a nickel yeah yeah man what do i regret describing you like that just girls girls crying on the inside different than the outside you would get that with your clean hands with your clean hands clean record this lady wouldn't shut the up and they put her in just like this glass box and she just kept screaming let me out let me out dude for hours and everybody just had to listen to her and everyone was like shut the up oh my god you're please becoming annoyances oh my god my biggest concern about jail insane yeah the amount she was yelling and oh my god it's like when you go to a hospital or an emergency room and you realize that you can't complain because there's people with much bigger issues yes i used to go to um bellevue because it was like free if you didn't have health insurance it's crazy it's our most messed up hospital right the expression pimp just made when i said that he was like it's it's our toughest hospital yes in new york bellevue is wild and my buddy eli shout out to eli when we were waiting tables together i had to go see a doctor and i was like i don't have insurance i have no money and he's like go down to bellevue bring three of your pay stubs go to the business office they're a non-profit this was 20 years ago they're a non-profit hospital they'll give you a card and it'll only cost you 25 to see a doctor based on your income but you have to call for an appointment so i called an appointment and you go in and you go like oh you're in a waiting room with people and they're looking at me like what are you doing here you have all your teeth you have both your eyes what do you like you'd go in there and you'd be like i can't complain and one time i went in for an endoscopy because i was having stomach problems and i was in this like waiting area with people that were in so much pain that i couldn't complain at all and i had to wait for hours yeah i still couldn't complain yeah i was like ah can you see me and the jamaican nurse is like we've been standing on we want to hold on and then there's just a guy next to me going oh just making a noise that i was like yeah yeah get to him yeah yeah go him my tummy hurts have you watched it have you watched the pit at all no what a fun show oh that's the 24 hours in the emergency room yeah yeah it's a whole shift in the emergency room it's great i heard a rumor that they were trying to do a reboot of er i think that's correct and sign off on it so they're like all right we'll just get that actor just do 24 with one of the guys yeah it's a great show but yeah it gives you some empathy for like the wait times and like how like hard the doctors are working in there trying to see everybody people are coming in people are up and they're going to help and you go please i understand help yeah you're number seven when we get through the six in front of you for very good reason we'll get to you we will get to you yeah i don't think i think people lost touch with that idea of like in the age of instant everything in the age of like you're the star this is your you're the main character you're not we're in a big society that relies on other on people like sometimes other people take priority and that's okay yeah i think a hospital is where you go like i'm gonna chill the out chill the out let me just sit the maybe you got an ear infection i understand it hurts chill a little bit yeah because then you see that real i'd go to bellevue and i'd be like i'm fine i'm fine i'd be waiting for like three hours in the back you're gonna be like get this guy speaking in a language i don't know oh i was like grabbing his stomach and you're like this guy's in so much pain it was wild that was like one of the ones where i was like man our health insurance is sure is broken yeah our health care system really is that is one of the messages of the show yeah yeah they're like boy is this system uh very flawed and up up very and then all the all the insurance guys when that guy got shot they went hey don't put our faces out there yeah yeah hey that was the funniest reaction of luigi was all the ceos of other insurance companies going whoa whoa whoa guys guys this is a bad idea yeah this is a really bad idea and everyone's like i think it's a good idea and they go it's not though it's not i don't know it seems like crazy to me that we have all the technology but you just can't see a doctor yeah this show is sponsored by betterhelp better help guess who just came fresh from therapy so he's feeling real connected no i genuinely do love i am coming from therapy and i had a good session today and i think that's what therapy is it's like going to the gym for your brain you get a good workout you feel better and then you know the next and then you go for the next one it's all about consistency it's hard to find a therapist yes but when you find a therapist it is very rewarding and better help has over 30 000 therapists and it's the world's largest online therapy platform having served over 6 million people globally and it gets an average rating out of 4.9 out of 5 which if you're a ratings guy like me you go with it better help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the united states and better help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals a short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and then with their 12 years experience and industry-leading match fulfillment rate it means they typically get it right the first step is to get it right and then the next step is to get it right and if it isn't right guess what you could switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored from their tailored recommendations don't let stigma stand in the way of support start therapy with better help sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com slash soda that's better help h-e-l-p dot-com slash soda this show is sponsored by better help 41 duis arrest made by one tennessee state trooper jesus there's a guy that's not just letting you go home the tennessee bureau of investigation which is just a guy it's just a guy named like lucky yeah he goes hello i'll watch the streets sober duis four times higher than previously reported wait sober duis they're giving people who are sober duis how the county threw out 41 duis arrest made by former tennessee state trooper asa pearl between 2021 and 2024 with 22 of those cases involving drivers who were later shown not to have blood alcohol content levels above the legal limit with in 14 of the 22 cases the drivers had some alcohol in their systems at the time of their arrest but in at least eight cases the drivers arrested tested negative for both drugs and alcohol the other 19 dui cases were reportedly dropped for other reasons including pearl being unavailable for court isn't that the thing they always say when you get a speeding ticket yeah you go to court the cop will never show up yeah yeah always i would i if i were a cop i would show up to everyone i went to i went to court for the dui he showed up he did he was there also the lawyer the lawyer was like if you want to i got a lawyer because i had run from the police i had done a lot i was like i should go to jail they were like usually a dui gets knocked down to like a reckless driving you try to do that with a lawyer the lawyer's like we're going to knock this down to a dui yeah that's really funny that's what we're going to say i can't even get you dwi nobody you went up on a curb yeah you're lucky you're getting a dui and uh he was like if you want to come to court early i had done all this stuff preemptively i'd done all this uh you know community service and all the stuff before i even went to court because the lawyer's like hoping you're gonna go into the judge you can be like you're a good kid you're a good guy get out of here he goes if you want to see the video you come early and i was like i i don't want to see the video because i i'm very shameful even as a comic it's going to live in my head it's going to live in my head i'm going to be very ashamed and sure enough i walk to court i'm not too early but i get there and the lawyer's watching it like he's watching like an episode of jackass he's like oh oh i watch him he's watching it he's he's like he can't sit still he's moving he like walks from one side of the courts the other to the copies like you remember the part woody oh my god oh no you had such a and i was like watching i was like no and then he came out and he goes i'm gonna be honest with you man worst ui video i've ever seen i've seen a lot that's the worst i've ever seen and i was like oh my god was there any moment of pride in that was there any moment where you're like if you're gonna fail fail spectacularly you're like yeah that's right you're gonna remember me i mean i definitely like tell the story of him like watching it watching it like a black dude watches magic just just like oh walking away running yeah just like sprinting half terrified dude dude it was i mean it was nuts that's crazy you never want your lawyer going the first one i've ever seen dude and he was before that he was comforting me i was very ashamed when i first met with him i was like i can't believe i did this and everybody kept saying this he kept he said this my dad said this he's like everybody gets one man this is your one you just hold it and he goes now i'm about to drive to alpharetta because the fellow i went to high school has been boning this 16 year old so keep it all in perspective buddy and then i found out afterwards they let me back into the bar and the manager that had banned me from that bar was like your lawyer that you hired comes in here every lunch period and runs he has a two martini lunch every lunch he's a lush which means that's how bad your video was is that it's not even a guy that doesn't understand alcohol culture it's the guy that goes holy i'm drunk right now i didn't drink for a year after that that was like when i was like i'm gonna i'm gonna take a year what brought you back after a year i got a girlfriend and it was stressing me out and he's like i need it i was like i'm gonna go back to the country song it really is like a country song where you're like i got me a woman and she's driving me to drink that's what it was dude i'm trying to think every time i slipped it was always like uh an inconvenience that made me upset like what airports delayed flight i mean that's i mean if you're gonna drink it's an airport airport the rules are out the window it doesn't matter what time it is i said i miss day drinking you miss airport yes i miss like drinking i miss getting drunk enough that i'm willing to leave and come back through security just smoke a cigarette st louis airport i i was flying chicago st louis st louis back to new york this is like when i had to buy like flights with six layovers to afford yeah yeah and it was i was coming home from lollapalooza i went to lollapalooza and i was this was like 2011 2012 and i get to the st louis airport and our flight gets delayed and i went i just went to the bar started drinking and i was like what's your security like here and they're like it's not that bad and i was like i remember exactly which part of the parking garage i went to in the st louis airport smoked like two or three cigarettes came back through was late was the last person to board the flight and came on smelling like cigarettes and whiskey and and wanted to talk to everybody i don't know and i went like sorry to keep you guys waiting to kill and no one was having it done that i remember there was like a flight where they're like we had all boarded and then they're like hey we're actually not going to be able to take off for a couple hours or like an hour if you guys want to get off for a little bit i was like show enough get off crush a few whiskeys get back on right before they're about to take off like dude you come in hot i ended up kissing the lady next to me in my seat consensually we had i was like i don't know i was i was trying to make it out with the woman i was firing out all cylinders i had a charm i'd never had and and you guys made out we made out did you guys hang out after that no no she wanted to and i was like that was just for the that was on the flight sky kiss that was the sky kiss baby you get a little cloud kissing first and only time it's ever happened kiss me in the clouds kiss me in the clouds now leave me alone she was like i'd never do that this ain't this isn't yours on the ground only in the sky yeah i have uh you don't realize how annoying you are when you get on a plane drunk no you think you think everybody loves you think it's a sitcom yeah i'm the neighbor that gets the cheer uh when i used to go visit my mom for christmas when i was like you know still waiting tables and drinking here she uh i wanted to smoke a cigarette and the only place you could smoke a cigarette in dia was this like bar on the second level of the terminal and i was like i'll go up there i had like an hour to my flight i was like i'll go up there smoke a cigarette get a burger go to the thing whatever sit down at the bar a couple jamesons a couple fat tires turns out raven steelers was kicking off i was flying home on a sunday so i go raven steelers i'm smoking cigarettes i don't want to leave yeah this is everything i need i don't look at my phone and then i'm like oh they it's 15 minutes past boarding yeah and i i get drunkenly on the plane and want to talk to everybody about steelers raven no one cares are you guys watching this raven steelers game and they're like yeah buddy get to your seat i'm like buckling in and being like flacco looks pretty good flacco looks like he had antoine smith on a slant and you're a big man your presence you're getting on late somebody thought they had an open seat oh my god and i'm and i'm moving this is burley and that and i go i'm really sorry about this oh i really enjoy watching ray lewis play the position the linebacker and they're like i don't think he did what they said he did uh two people he could kill one guy but not two yeah it was airport drinking is in your head the greatest and for everyone else a huge problem because now when i'm traveling and i see people black out in an airport i'm like oh brother i get it stay the away from me don't bring that over here but i do get jealous when i see a uh two-thirds empty beer at a bar at an airport you make the best of friends you made i don't know what you're talking about i don't know what you're talking about with a girl i made out with a girl that is crazy it is crazy it only happened the one time i've never talked about it i'm kind of i'm bragging you know what's funny is sometimes you know i don't know about you but self-admittedly i don't think i ever had a lot of game and i remember i went to florida with my friends and i got blacked out at the pool and i ended up going on a date with one of the waitresses that worked there yeah don't remember it yeah they're like do you remember going on a date last night and i went oh no god yeah you like took a girl from the restaurant you guys went to the beach and got dinner i was like i don't remember you got out of your own way yeah i got out of my own way i got out of my own way it was just like whatever i've heard you had game i heard you i heard you getting around that i got around no i think it was comics we're all carnies so you spend time around each other and then it happens yeah but like real world game zero yeah that's real the game is different if it's like you just got off stage yeah and you're like yeah how about that patrice used to call it the yellow sun he's like it's it's like superman the yellow sun it gives us powers the stage but the farther you get away from it the less power you have it's true and you feel like a weak little oh my god why would anybody ever touch me oh my god dude i'd go to like regular this is like 2010 and i'd meet people and they'd be like and you're like well then i'll go get drunk because that's where it was bars or comedy clubs the idea of going to like a club like a dance club terrifying to me dude terrifying so that trip to florida the same trip to florida was it was in miami and we were all going because one of my friends was turning 30. the idea of miami is scary to be i hate miami but i was still drinking and i was like yeah let's go to miami and we go down to miami we're in south beach we go to the fountain blue or like fontaine blue i forget what it is it's like a nice club my friends want to go to the club my friend whose birthday is all the guys i grew up with they wait in line to get into the club yeah and then the club was like six dudes no it was seven of us he goes i can let five of you in and me and my buddy went the math me and my buddy went you want to go drink at the bar and he went yeah and we went and drank at the lobby bar of the and it was more fun yeah my friends went to the club and they're like it sucked it cost this i was like oh we got i don't think i've ever been to a club i've never done the thing where i like waited in line for some i remember people love club culture i know i went and met a girl at a club i was like meeting her outside she was coming out we had already gone on the couple dates and oh okay i had my backpack i'm always walking around with my backpack because i need my notebooks because i need my notebooks i just got over that dude i'm like i'm about to be 43. i got over that three years ago i'm out of there i'm outside of there with my dumb little backpack and there's a guy this piece of just like with this big dumb mustache and a fur coat and he controls the list and i'm watching him and he's just relishing like looking at people and being like no he's gonna love it and then i'll look at somebody and he'll go and he'll lift the velvet rope and i'm like this piece of i would never stand here and let this past judgment on me oh but trying to go center field some outside of a club that you know and you're like with your glove yo i felt i felt i felt cool i was like hey i'm not going in there for that when she comes out though it's like being at an airport when someone lands on a flight you go over here over here over here let's get out of here alissa dude that was that was i would that's what i mean i had no game if you took me outside of the comedy scene or waiting tables because of the co-worker game yes i either had co-worker game or i had you saw me perform everything else besides that but i think this is normal this is like most guys most guys have their sphere of what is it aptitudes fear of knowledge and that's where you that's where you it's where you gotta strike yeah yeah dude there's guys that are like good at going to clubs i'm friends with some of them they're like good at going to clubs and buying a drink and going up and being like they're good at having this conversation what do you do oh yeah that's really they can do that i can't do that can't do it i'm like now you put me at a diner you're in trouble you put a diner you put me a friend and two ladies at a diner i'm running that shit yeah i'm running that shit that's where you come alive club zero arizona i did horrible at when i was in college really because i did not have bar or club energy where did you go to school i went to cal state university northridge oh hell yeah so you're like north of california no where's no no that's it's a suburb of los angeles it's northridge it's where the big earthquake happened oh shit that's what i was thinking andro valley so you went cal how did you go to cal state northridge out there because my parents were supportive i was like i'm gonna do film production stuff i had gone to this like arts high school in atlanta i got into like film i was like i'm gonna film stuff and i didn't get into any i didn't get it the film schools are nyu none of them emerson none of them i got to know i got waitlisted to emerson and i remember my mom looked up cal state northridge because she'd heard like people that work in the industry go to cal state northridge and she was like a good mom that's a good mom that's a good mom she knew in the shorthand yeah she knew what i was capable of and i remember she looked at the school and she got excited she's like you can get in here that's you can do it you can get in here god me and you have the same level of dumbassery where our moms knew where we could get in yeah because to see you yeah they're like waitlist and csu was like maybe and then my mom was like try out of state and i went to arizona and arizona was like and then write a letter about how your dad died and i wrote a letter and arizona was like okay and i was like big out of arizona i got truth is no one in colorado wanted me yeah i got into florida state oh but i didn't get into the film production program which is probably good if i had gone to florida state i would have been a totally different guy you'd be dead i would have died i would have died there's certain schools that i think about if i would have gone to i would have been dead yeah university of indiana why it's a party school yeah i had friends that went to bloomington and they're like it's a fucking drinking school yeah it does not get enough credit yeah so if you're a hoosier congratulations on the national title in football but also you deserve more credit as a party school yeah because the people that i used to party with and drink with that that went to indiana were like fucking pros indiana i went to arizona and everyone's like arizona's a party talk about it like it's oh right arizona if you're a rich kid and you're in a frat you're gonna have the best time in the world yeah if you're a rich kid and your dad's just gonna give you endless amounts of money go to arizona yeah join a frat you'll do the you'll do good cocaine you'll hang out with beautiful women that are tan and bleach blonde if you just are a low-life piece of shit and you want to party go to arizona state you can get in and every night there there's a party we'd drive up from tucson to tempe yeah and be like i talked to santino about this all the time because santino went to asu yeah i was like you went to the party school we'd go up there and you'd be like you'd see pool parties at an apartment complex on a wednesday that you're like this is like an entourage episode like the women there yeah also arizona state they're dumbasses you just need to go wildcats i'm always going to be a wildcat 2.5 gpa to get into fucking arizona state yeah so that was always the knock was that we had the slightly ugly uglier smarter women yeah and they just had the greatest party school of all time yeah arizona state it's like it's bonkers i don't know if it's still like that but at the turn of the century back when i was there oh one to oh five arizona i mean when i was coming up there was still people still talked about arizona state dude they were like the list would come out like yeah playboy list playboy would do arizona state and people at arizona would always go like yeah arizona's up there and you go motherfucker up we're not touching that yeah maybe they are in the frats but not in regular not the gen pop i tried the gen pop i love throwing gen pop how's gen pop dude i was just a regular i tried the frat thing you did i did you rushed i rushed but i didn't plan to there was just this group of guys that were like you should join and i was like oh they were they recruit i realized we were like we were like the bad news bears for trying we were like yo zbt those are still my dogs that was the jewish frat yeah we weren't jewish it was a jewish but it was a jewish frat yes but we were not we were not super jewish my roommate at the time it was a drug deal in israeli moved weight through zbt oh those heaps connected and they were fucking slang and fucking we were like chronic we were like a very mexican frat that's great the jewish frat state northridge them showing up and being like there's the zbt i want to see my brothers and then they're like hola we're of a different tribe we come from a different we're not one of the 12 bro and then i i quit but i did it i tried it because i was like maybe this will help me get women and it just instilled a lot of really terrible drinking habits did you yeah because they that rush process but dude it was like no their women weren't coming to the frat either like i was like bad the people at arizona in my freshman dorms that rushed a lot of them got laid and i was like oh my god they're like i immediately saw the benefit yeah and i was like just in jean shorts in my room drinking fucking uh milwaukee's best and smoking cigarettes it's straight up dude shout out apache santa cruz i would just be chilling outside smoking cigarettes and then my friend morgan would come with a girl he'd be like yeah we met at this uh theta sae social and i'd be like cool cool cool you guys want to smoke resin and play madden oh two this is what i was about it's like there were it was like they would do these events and i'd be like i can't yeah i'm not built for this yeah where i started really resenting it at arizona was once they got into the frats they were like you can't come to our parties and what i liked about the university of colorado when i lived in denver was when we would go visit our friend's older brother who went to see you yeah you could get into frat parties yeah she paid five bucks for a cup kit a keg cup and you were in she had a red cup and then you were drinking and it was like it literally reminded me of the movies where it's like a house party and you're like oh excuse me and everyone's drinking and they're like who are you and you're like i live in this dorm and they're like fine arizona was like dickheads yeah like they were fucking mean they were gatekeeping the whole thing and you were like i don't my roommate one time our junior year went to go sell a quarter pound to one of the frats which will remain nameless if you see me live i'll tell you who it was he was selling a quarter pound to a guy fucking four ounces yeah he's like going to sell this guy and this is like they want the weed he had really good weed and i'm like chilling with him i was always the weed dealer's roommate yeah i was always what i was and i'm like just chilling there and this guy's like who the fuck are you and i was like oh my roommates i just i didn't want to say anything so i go my roommates doing business with so-and-so and the guy i remember this fucking clear as day the guy goes cool cool you got three minutes to get out of this house or i'm gonna kick the shit out of you and i go i don't think that's a good idea for you not saying i was a badass just because i knew and no fuck that you got three minutes or i'm gonna kick shit at you and there was a they were in the bedroom did he seem capable yeah they would have kicked shit out of me they're all very good shape yeah probably steroids yeah yeah would it beat the fucking brakes off me i would have hit one of them yeah i would have scratched one of their eyes out i'm a little guy you're a big guy i always figure hey you're a big fella i'm a big i'm a big guy that gouges yeah i like to gouge on figures yeah i got piano fingers bitch i'll fucking press your point play your eyes like a god but i remember knocking on the door being like i'm here and he was like in the room and i was like a mirror and the guy's like i don't know who you're knocking for and the you know like when doors would open at fraternity houses and you'd see into the room yeah like you saw their personality yeah yeah this was like the kid that sold weed at the frat and i remember opening the door and being like hey this kid's saying he's gonna kick shit out of me if i don't leave in three minutes and they like got i got double mad at so this guy's mad at me because i'm at the frat and then i opened the door and they're in the middle of a fucking thousand over a thousand dollar weed deal yeah and i go guys i'm being yelled at and then they're like shut the fucking door and i'm like and i just left and went out front and smoked a cigarette on the sidewalk mother and then amir like comes up this isn't before cell phones yeah it's before texting yeah so he just comes outside and he's like where were you and i was like i tried to tell you i got kicked out but dude that guy made me just like i was so mad i know i've never i was like fuck you don't even want to be here yeah i don't want to be i don't like your frat i've remembered every slight like that in my life all the time all the time it made me genuinely dislike the university of arizona because there were so many guys that were like that yeah they're like what are you doing you're like nothing man i just want to get high where the fuck are they now they act like they're your friends there's some guys all my friends from arizona i still like if they reach out i'll be like what's up dude yeah but there's been guys that i genuinely hated in college that yeah that someone else will go i was talking to so-and-so and he remembers you know keep my name out of that motherfucker's mouth yeah yeah i didn't like it because now that you're public now that you're in the public you know you're on a fucking fox tv show yeah i'm sure there's people that reach out to you that you're like leave me the fuck alone some yeah not like not a ton it's not a ton which is good and by the way i didn't have like a lot of enemies in arizona but there's a couple dildos i remember that i'm like we're not friends i know fucking you were never friends with me yeah you didn't come to my fucking house and take bong loads and play playstation 2 with me i think about comeuppance for them what would that look like you know it is a lot of the times what you don't realize is when you're young and you're going through something like that you don't realize that you're in a bad position but these people are in the best they're ever going to do position so just wait yeah it's literally it's like being mad at the internet just wait a little bit and it'll change yeah like don't comment back because i say to comments comics all the time don't comment back when someone talks shit what are you doing yeah just give it a little and then you won't care yeah that's really that's genuinely very true same advice to college students if someone's being a to you have it fuel you and then wait use that fuel that's kind of been i mean it's it's it's worked for me this far that's kind of been the game plan i remember in so many situations just being the bottom of the totem pole and being like you know what fuck you motherfuckers you know what fucking yeah i fucking and i don't think enough people talk about that because they go like no you got to be above it and do that you know fuck that shit have it fucking motivate you especially when you're young do you know how many times and i say this for guys that are lonely right now that are in their 20s and you're like i can't meet a woman that's into the things i'm into stay yourself don't change for these bitches because you will find someone that likes what you like yes it took me forever but i kept in college i always had girls that i had crushes on and they were like i like you like a friend yeah so you're like oh i just i suck and you think you suck and you go i just think you like the wrong people yeah you're you're liking women that you wouldn't like if you dated anyways yeah because they're into different stuff they want to go to the farmer's market they want to go to the farm market they want to go to the market they want to go hiking and all this shit and you don't want to do that and you go well i gotta do that to get a woman you don't you just gotta look for what you want in a woman because when i started when i met katie i was like oh i was wrong my whole life yeah who i was going after i always thought like oh well oh a girl like katie wouldn't like me or whatever it's like we have the same interests we like the same shit just find someone that you're into that shares the same stuff and then hope they like you back yeah that's the hard part yeah but i was going after like hot blonde girls and i was like oh my god i don't like them i don't like them i don't like them i don't girls at arizona that were like no they're like this guy has a range rover wants to fuck me i'm like i gotta dodge stratus and you can come hang out with me while i do the overnight at kfma no the overnight at kfma i used to be an overnight dj so that's sick i didn't like arizona i wanted to leave yeah and then i was going to transfer my mom gave me this speech where she was like she didn't even really give me a speech she goes i don't know i just didn't really think i raised you to be a quitter like that and i was like damn because she was right i did it was my freshman year and i wasn't having fun because i was doing the same thing i was going to try to hang out with people that weren't like me yeah i was trying to go to these parties with people that weren't rich kids from fucking san diego yeah that had money they weren't like me they didn't understand i didn't like them and so i was like oh fuck and then i got a job i started doing college radio and i started working at the radio station in tucson and i met all my dogs yeah i met everybody and that gave me the confidence to start doing stuff and i started doing stuff and i started doing stand-up yeah and then i just was at laughs i was either at kfma or laughs yeah all the time and people were like arizona it's like well i paid for my whole school so i will support that team yeah especially this march let's go wildcats but i'm never gonna do the thing where it's like it was the greatest time of my life it wasn't no it set me up for the greatest time of my life which was moving here and doing stand-up which was like oh this is like i think how a lot of people feel when they go to college is how i felt when i moved to the university and i was like oh my god i'm new york with stand-up yeah where i went oh you're like me so i don't fault people that have a good time in college yeah maybe finding people that are like-minded like you like there are guys that join frats and they go like this is what i wanted shirtless arms over each other going white brothers and they need that yeah and now they're in the corporate world and they go like do you remember when i was getting my dick sucked at fucking boise state yeah you're like i'm glad you had that yeah delayed gratification yes you're not having it in college it's just delayed gratification you'll find it absolutely but you got to keep working that's what it is i really feel like that's what sucks about the instant culture yeah because everyone goes you should be happy right now it's because no you shouldn't no you should actually be a little miserable especially in your 20s man you're trying to piece it together it's like painful it's fucking painful enjoy your skin being tight yeah enjoy being able to sleep wherever you can without your neck hurting i could sleep nine hours uninterrupted on a couch and maybe flip i was living on couches i lived on when i moved out to hoboken to do stand-up i lived on a fucking futon you were in hoboken on a futon seven months god damn and shout out to morgan and norberto and jimmy balls my roommates they let me live on the fucking futon we could smoke cigarettes inside which was oh i've dropped out of school for a year and i part of the time i lived in a hostel i lived and worked in a hostel on venice fucking beach and we could smoke cigarettes everywhere changes and it was i was 20 years old and i was 21 years old i didn't have any money and i would clean rooms at night to sleep there and just crush marlboro rents yes what a cowboy killers what did you find in those rooms what did i find nothing crazy nothing crazy nothing crazy because i met you think probably because eli roth i met interesting people for sure you meet so many cool people yeah people that travel people that travel it's like meeting someone like rs shafir who goes oh i just go there and i live there for a little bit yeah like i never had those that kind of so many crazy people it was awesome but that was man the smoking cigarettes inside dude when i used to wake up when i lived on when i lived with them and i would just swing my feet over the futon and pull my pack of camel lights yeah one out and be like the fuck we got going on today light it out the side you know turn on the tv and watch sports center and be like hung over yeah really hung over from the night before just being like fuck i do those guys i took uh i saw morgan for like the first time in years and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die and he always would be like you call me gay because how much i like stand up because we're college friends and then i moved out here and he'd be like you're so gay for comedy because i'd be like oh because i um rest in peace to shack uh the old bouncer at the cellar but big j introduced me to him yeah when i first moved here and i became friends with like lewis and jay and all them and jay was like oh you should know shack and i wasn't in at the cellar yeah but shack was like yeah dude i'll let you sit on the runners and watch the shows and i'd watch like giraldo and fucking patrice patrice wasn't in a he had already been kicked out of the cellar so it was giraldo mike di stefano a tell but i just like todd lynn i just come to watch him and i would like i was obsessed with it and then i just go get drunk at like a shitty bar and like whoever i was with comedy wise yeah we just talk about the sets we watched and then i just come home blacked out but morgan would always be like dude so gay you just follow other men around to watch and i go i want to do this and i haven't seen him in like 12 years yeah and then we got dinner in the city and he's like i can't believe you're like you're a comic now and you're like i know i was so gay for it that i became it but that's what i think is like a lot what's missed now with the culture of like instant celebrity and youtube fame and that shit go get into something yeah and go get so into it that you like like live it yeah like give yourself to it yeah i think that's missed on a lot of shit like what you're talking about with film i think that's a great idea what your mom did was awesome yeah she's like this is la this is where they make film i mean now atlanta but i know you the place you left became the fucking la but like her having the the like the idea of like uh northridge cal state northridge you can just be right there in la in the valley and or wherever it is in the fucking lake and all my boys i went to school with their they all work in the industry that's what i'm all doing fucking great they all work in the industry having that parent that can do that my mom was like listen i work she worked for an insurance company and she's like i'm not going to she's like i cover five states you can go to college in one of those five states because i need to know i could touch down and call a lawyer if you need help and i was like great piece of advice yeah yeah i was like arizona she's like yeah i was like all right i'll go to arizona yeah texas arizona wyoming colorado new mexico or one other one and i was like yeah it was that that was her territory dude yeah and so she would travel all the time and then she was like you can go to one of those but you're like fuck yeah that's wide open country brother but that's what it is you got to go somewhere that makes you feel like you're in the right place and you're in the right take shots you can make yeah people don't do that it's true people go like i want to be famous you see that in stand-up all the time they go i remember barking in the west village and i met this guy named scott i hope he's all right but i remember meeting him and he went yeah dude uh i'm gonna get in two weeks here then i'm gonna try to get into the cellar he's like within a year i'm gonna be on snl and i was like oh brother so many delusional people oh brother because i really started hitting it in la which is even more you started in la people because i was out there for school i didn't know that's where you started no i technically started as a kid i started as a kid in atlanta my mom got me into stand-up as a kid i didn't realize how old were you dude i was like there was i mean i went to a summer camp for comedy called kid comedy when i was like 12 and where they just teach you like abbott and costello bits that she's like who's on first that's great though that's no basic structure it's amazing and then my mom was so in tune with what i was good and she was like all right we'll try this and then that lady had a class and she would like jokes for you. And it would be like, Like, last week I got a 70, my highest grade ever on a spelling test. I know, I know. I've got to start cheating off smarter kids. She'd write you shit like that. That's fun. And then your graduation, our graduation was at the Punchline in Atlanta. Next to the diner. And she got fucking Dom Herrera to come out because Dom Herrera's, like, niece was in the program. So it was similar to, like, what Tiffany Haddish did when she was a kid at the Laugh Factory. It was, like, it was one of them's, but in Atlanta. It didn't last that long. Janet Schultz, she stole my dog. So I did that, and then I got into, like, you know. So when you were doing it in L.A., when you're at Northridge, are you, like, let me go do stand-up? Dude, I was, like, I had done it a couple times because another kid in the dorm was interested in stand-up. He was really good. This guy Dylan Niles, he was, like, he was really into, like, one-liners. He was great. He was a very smart dude. And I was, like, I used to do this shit. And I would just get, you know, get hammered and stuff. Old hat. Yeah, yeah. It just sucked. But then I remember I was trying to do homework one day. It was, like, physics. Physics of music. Some bullshit class that they give to dummies where you have to have a math. And they're, like, how about the physics of music? And I was even bad at that. And I was, like, fuck this. I'm going to try doing stand-up again. I went to the Ha Ha Cafe. I took the bus. I was, like, 20. And I was, like, I did that. And I was, like, I'm going to drop out and just do stand-up. Really? That's what I did. I dropped out. Was your mom mad when you dropped out? No. Supportive. Really? Supportive. That's. You know what's crazy, man, is, like, you do. You do comedy long enough that you realize how lucky we are to have supportive parents. I know. But I'm a little jealous of people that didn't have parents that were supportive or sort of did it on their own because I sometimes think there's, like, there's a weakness to me and a strength to them that they, like, through it all were, like, no, I actually think this is going to work. I see that. I understand what you're saying. They had to believe in themselves. Yeah, I wonder what I would have done if I didn't have people behind me being, like, you could do this. I understand that. That's, like, there is something about that where you're, like, oh, I admire that you were, like, everyone was, like, you fucking suck, and you were, like, I don't. Yeah. Yeah. I just go, I know. I know, dude. I know, I fucking suck. Let me hang it up, dude. I suck. I fucking stink. But I remember, like, telling my mom, like, I'm doing stand-up, and my mom was, like, great. And then I was, like, I think this is. Because I was doing it at the University of Arizona. I was doing, like, open mics every Thursday. Doing, like, MC weekends. Yeah, fuck yeah. And then, like, going to Albuquerque and doing, like, laughs out there, like, as an MC. And then, like, the casino gigs. And finally, I was, like, I think I'm gonna do stand-up. And my mom went, listen, just get your. I just need you to get your college degree. She's, like, that truly is, as a single mom, the only thing I care about. I feel like if you got your degree, it says I did my job. Yeah. And I was, like, fair. And then she's, like, but after that, do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. So then I graduated college, and I was, like, hey, I'm gonna do a year of stand-up, and working at KFMA here. Then I'm gonna move to New York. And my mom, without even batting an eye, went, fuck yeah. Yeah. Go for it. Go do that shit. And you were, like, that's where I feel lucky. Yeah. That's where I think it's a strength where other people had. Because I think a lot of guys get stopped that don't have the, like, fuck you, I am funny. And they have parents that go, fuck, no, you're not. And you go, yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. How many people are actually limited by it? Because me and you might have been crushed by that. Yeah. And I did the. My mom wanted the same thing. I dropped out for a year, and I did stand-up. So I bombed so bad, I stopped for a few months. Those early bombs. Oh, my God. It was brutal. Yeah, yeah. This guy had booked me. It was when I was living in the hostel on Venice Beach. And I had just talked to him at a bar, and he was like, there's this fucking reggae band that's playing. You should come and do stand-up in between them. And he was like, it's the best reggae band in Venice Beach. They, like, they were. And I did it, and I invited people from the hostel that I had just started working at. I got so drunk. I went up there. I bombed my tits off. And the guy that had booked me, through the silence, looks at me and goes, I thought you were funny, man. Oh! Through the silence. Oh! I got off. I was so embarrassed. The people from the hostel had seen it. People I have to live and work with. But I'll never forget the drummer, like, this cool, like, blonde dude. I come out, and I was like, I really goofed it. And he goes, hey, man, you know what they call that? Experience. Hey! He goes, thanks, dude. I go, thank you, dude. He goes, I'm going to be dead in two years. Like, some thing about me? I'm going to be gone very soon. I'll never forget that motherfucker. But I stopped for, like, three months after that. And then I went back to school and just did stand-up on the side and got my degree. That's what you do. Stayed in L.A. for a year. Drove for Uber, doing stand-up. And then I was like, let me go back to Atlanta, where, like, you just can get better faster. I mean, it's a great scene. Be from where I'm from. I didn't want to be, like, a comic from Los Angeles. I wanted to be from Atlanta. That was always the thing I thought, because I was in Tucson, which is close to L.A. And I was, like, always obsessed with the New York guys. And I was, like, no, no, no. I got to go to New York. And everyone that I did comedy with was, like, L.A. is right here. And they were, like, I know. And they're, like, who do you know in New York? And I was, like, nobody. I know Morgan. That's sick. I know Morgan from school. And I called him. I still remember I was watching a Yankees-Tigers playoff game. And I was smoking resin out on my little balcony on my porch in Tucson. And I went, let me see if Morgan's living in New York. And I thought Hoboken was part of New York. That's how fucking stupid I was. And I called him. And I went, where do you live? And he goes, I live in Hoboken. And I was, like, I think I'm going to move out there. And he was, like, you can live on my couch. What a guy. And I was, like, are you for real? And I just remember that, because I was watching that playoff game. And the Yankees were what reminded me of, like, oh, yeah, I could call Morgan. He lives out there. And he let me fucking move out here. And then, like, January 6, 2007, I fucking moved out to New York. And had zero idea about this city. I had no idea where anything was. That's fucking exciting. This city is fucking terrifying when you move here. I bet. And how old are you? Fucking 23? I was 22, 23. Yeah. And you just, like, move out here. And I literally took a gypsy cab from LaGuardia that ripped me off. Ripped me off. Just to take me to fucking Penn Station. Yeah. Ripped me off. Me and another fucking country bumpkin that landed at LaGuardia. And now I have, like, heat for gypsy cab guys. Dude, ask Sagala. We landed on Sunday. And the guy's like, you know, like, get away from me. You took $200 from me when I had nothing. $200 is crazy. I got fucking ripped off. I'm an idiot. And I was a country bumpkin. And they, good for them. That's how they survived. It's the law of the jungle. And they fucking got me. Dude, I got one of those. But I remember being like, dude, it's like when you go to a difficult level in a video game. And it's not unlocked. Yeah. And you're just, like, doing small moves. And you're like, I don't even know where I'm at. Moving into this city. I still miss. It's that. Like, taking the subway the wrong way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And being like, fuck, I'm in Queens. I was supposed to go downtown. Like, just not knowing where I was. It was so exciting to be a loser. And then struggling. Yeah. Just struggling. That's where you got to find fun in it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's where the booze really comes into play. The early years of New York. Just fumbling through open mics. Nothing better than getting a little loose for that. Just drinking at a bar. Telling people at the bar you're going to go do. Do stand-up. And they go, well, you got more balls than I do. Yeah, dude. I used to love the shout-out stand-up New York's Sunday open mic. And I would do, like, just hitting the mics. There used to be a website called Giggle Chick. Where she would list every open mic in New York. And I had it in my fucking notebook. I had that notebook. In L.A., L.A. was Bad Slava. I do. I remember that. Because the first time I went to L.A., they were like, oh, look up Bad Slava. All the mics you can get on. Because L.A. I would probably have been in New York seven or eight years before I tried to go out there and do a set. And L.A. was not having it. Yeah. Fuck out. No. It was fine to come up. But, dude, I was doing, like, the hot cafe in this place called Marty's. Which is just a guy who had an office space with three rooms in it. People from L.A. back 10 years ago will tell you about Marty's. Three rooms in it. And you would just give them $5. And you would go do stand-up in the three rooms for other comics. One or two. One or two guys. And you were just running. Just running through your shit. Dude, I mean, Monday nights, barking for the Comedy Village in the West Village. You did it. You barked. Oh, yeah. I barked. And, dude, at the time I was barking, List was hosting the Monday night show. So he didn't have to bark. Wow. He was hosting. But the barking crew was, like, me, Graham K., Andrew Schultz, Thomas Dale. What? A couple other people. We were all barking. Wow, that's wild. Yeah. And we'd all bark in the West Village. I didn't bark. In L.A., what I did was I did. I worked at the Ha Ha Cafe. These sketchy motherfuckers. And I would send a text blast. Text blast. It was like, you just won two free tickets with comics from HBO. Dude. Showtime. Call center. And half of the text back would be like, take me off this fucking list. How many fucking. And I did that to do the open mic for free instead of paying $5. So texts weren't prevalent when I was in Tucson in 04. Because I started in 04, 05, 06. I did Tucson 04 to 06. And Laughs, the comedy club, had a call. They had a call room where open micers would go in there and then just blast their phone list being like, hey, coming up, we've got TC Hatter and Marcy Ann. Come check them out Friday, Saturday. And then they would get like, that was how they got into the club. And my buddy Matt, a bunch of people I knew did that. And I was like, I can't do that. I ran, I wasn't about, I ran like a bringer. Yeah, I used to make calls for a bringer show. Really? I have my old, in that notebook. Gary Veeder was on that. on the list where I'd call for this lady. This lady picked me up like at a bus stop. she didn't it was at the stand-up stand-up new york uh stand-up new york open mic and she was like hey i need help uh i'll give you a spot every monday on this show that like jim norton would do giraldo patrice yeah the guys i idolized and she was like all you have to do is call these 10 people get 10 people to bring 10 friends and i didn't know what a bringer was and then the second someone told me what that was i was like that's gross and they're like well you're helping out and i was like oh no i'm not joking i think i started doing that i moved here january started doing that in february was done by april god damn being like i don't want to do that that's fucked up and she was like well then you'll have to bark and i was like i'll bark i'd much rather bark than fucking call people yeah oh the dirty shit dude this system that they did it would be like you'd ask they would ask somebody to do the monday competition show and they'd be like you give us 20 we give you 20 tickets and then you sell those tickets however you want and um i think i was so hard up for stage time i never pressed anybody to sell tickets i never was the one that like pushed people to sell tickets i just ran the soundboard and i got to do my 10 minutes on the show god i wonder who is this equivalent in the epstein files i didn't i didn't give me the kids i didn't send any of the kids you go all i would do is make sure that there was shrimp on the island for jeffrey i feel shame i've never admitted to this this is like you just told your story of how you were morally above it i was like well no dude but here's the thing i was morally above it but i kind of knew what i was doing was dirty and then when it was joe list was the one that put it crystal clear to me he goes you're helping book a bringer show yeah yeah and i was like oh and he's like you can't do that and i was like i gotta did you ever did you ever do a bringer show yeah i did bringers i brought shout out caitlin all good she's been married for a long time and she's been married for a long time but she was a high school friend uh-huh and she brought she was in the city working at a uh i forget where she was working i think hillstone she's working at a restaurant and i was like you gotta come see me you gotta come see me do stand-up and her and her boyfriend at the time came with my buddy my buddy vick and i remember the lady was mad at me because i was supposed to have five people and i brought three and she went there she went well now you're gonna go on late and the show started at 8 p.m i went up second to last in front of five people three of them were mine two of them were the guy that went last jesus the only reason i went second to last was because i had three and he had two and i remember going like and i was so mad because the beginning of the show was packed and it was it was like jim norton jim norton specifically went up and i watched him and i was like obsessed with opiate anthony i couldn't oh yeah and he walked out and i was like oh fuck and then i went up at like i was mad because i'd been featuring i'd been co-featuring at laughs yeah horseshit jokes yeah horseshit jokes you were fucking featuring i was like dude i was doing 20 now i can't even get three minutes on this bringer show i was so mad i was so mad yeah that's just what it was what it was you move that shit but you know absolutely when i moved from atlanta i waited till i was like pretty like i was i was good in the atlanta scene i i was you know maybe i was working then you come here and i was good and they were like fuck you and that's the thing about new york that i'll tell any comic that's in city no you should move to new york it's good for stage time but just know no one gives a fuck yeah also the sooner the better fuck who you were in your scene what you did in your scene i moved i convinced i was one of the people that convinced shane to move here and he was over in philly yeah yeah and i remember walking him to the stand in the stand going i don't give a fuck i remember him walking in the cellar going this guy's fucking hilarious and they go i don't give a fuck i they were doing the uh the auditions for this week at the comedy cellar yeah it was at the fat black at the fat black and shane did a set and didn't get it i talk about that with liz all the time and i went up i had to go to liz and go i fucking promise you he's hilarious i was like well he didn't do well on his first st watching me he didn't do well and i was like i swear to god this guy is good the first time i saw him was what the fuck was that place i forget the name of it it was a long flight of stairs oh on 44th street no down more closer to union square maybe off 14th long stairs long stairs sort of had it had a curtain it was a long thin room anyway it was the first place i saw shane and i was just hanging in the back and it was so he was so funny it was the joke about like his sister being on heroin oh yeah yeah he's like it's great if you hand her a guitar but she's just a nail tech or she works in a hair salon yeah you're talking about taking her to the amusement park yeah yeah yeah it's great it's all live it's great and then i remember seeing that audition because i did the same audition the next night and i went the first night just to see and i just walked in i was like dude you're so funny and he's been so nice to me ever since then he's the best yeah he's just a good dude but i he was he was king shit in philly yeah and i was like well you graduated you beat the level come up to new york thinking like this is gonna be a layup no this is a fucking layup and everyone was like i don't give a it's brutal and you're like so just know if you're a comic and you're thinking about moving to new york get over the idea of them being excited you're here yeah you just have to be here show up do well people will fucking take notice i was doing mad open mics i was just muscling through it and then eventually something catches and you start to you get an idea what the scene is you make your friends and then shout out to rebecca trent at the creek shout out to lewis at poster dog i found people that went you're funny come we'll give you regular spots because i was doing check spots and open mics and finally when i got a real like in front of a real crowd you go i'm doing stand-up yeah yeah and then you just build shout out yeah she put you up she put me up she's one of the first people to put me up you always got to remember the first people that put you up dude shout out to chloe ifshin wayne rada lewis j gomez and rebecca trent were the three people that were like i'll give you spots oh and dennis at the laugh factory i hope you're all right dude he was the bartender the booker got it was the laugh factory in time square it got they sold it to a different company it became time square art center and then dennis was the bartender and he was the bartender and he was the bartender and he was the bartender that became the booker and he was like i think you're funny i'll give you spots and i was like what's up i was like what's up this is awesome and then i'd get way too drunk that was another thing michael roland's fucking hilarious watch him on youtube watch him on animal control on fox see him live season one through three on netflix now is it yeah netflix yeah we got something on netflix that's awesome it's really helpful are you on the road now dude i'm gonna be new jersey at bananas yeah shout out shout out fun yeah not bad hotel but it's fun hotel but it's fun they they they're doing a good thing over there all right they've been around since the i got no road dates after that so hopefully something shakes yeah i mean if i i'm getting some new dates on the books we'll fucking go out together i would love to yeah we'll hang out i would love to yeah hell yeah michael roland rules and so do you thanks for watching this goodbye you