196: Closure, No Contact, And How To Get Over Someone

"Should she say that about the kisses? Is that weird? She doesn't care if she presses send. This is the love story of real hinged couple Daniel and Rochene, written and read by me, Ruby Thorpe. Listen to the free audiobook now!" Endless summer escape started here. Travel the worlds of Netflix, IRL. Inspired by fan favorites like stranger things and squid games. Brave the upside down, face off with the frontman. Play leveled up arcade games, shop exclusive merch, and enjoy themed food and drinks. Beat the heat. Play, eat and shop on repeat at Netflix House at Galleria Dallas. Bring your crew and save. Get your tickets today at netflix.com/house. "You're waiting for them to explain why they left. You're waiting for the apology, the conversation. The text that finally makes it all makes sense. You're rehearsing what you'd say. You're checking your socials for a sign. You're telling yourself you can't move on until you get closure. But here's the harsh truth. Closure doesn't come from them. It never did. That conversation that you keep rehearsing in your head, even if you got it, every single fucking word exactly how you imagined it, it wouldn't be enough because closure isn't information. It's not an explanation." Closure's grief. And you've been avoiding grief by pretending you just need one more answer. "Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of The Supernazohar Show. My name is Supernazohar, and I am your host, my friends. We are Hard Truth 4. We made it. I love this series. I love series in general, so pop them into the comments. What series do you want next? Don't worry, we're going to do the nervous system one. I heard my baby is you asked for it. You shall receive. But I'm so excited because this one is a biggie. At first, I was going to talk about how you have to learn to grieve. And I said, "Bitch, anybody going to understand what the fuck you're talking about?" We have to learn that closure doesn't come from another person. That's the hard truth. Closure is an inside job, and you've got to learn to grieve if you actually want to be able to move on. Guys, as always, please don't forget to read and review. Leave a comment, share it with a friend. That is the most important thing. It helps us grow more than you would ever know, even if you don't like an episode. Market is finished. Help me, rig the system. But guys, everything you need, all the courses working one-on-one, if you want to ask a question, everything is linked in the show notes. And I'm just so stoked, guys, because episode 1-3, we're about what you do wrong while you're in it wrong, you know. Today is about what happens when it's over, and what you're doing wrong on the after. And I asked you guys what you're struggling with when it comes to getting over someone and the responses. They broke my heart, but I think we need it. So let's get right on into it, shall we? This episode is special to me, because honestly, I've lived it. And I was in this place for a long fucking time. And I think a lot of you guys are in that. You think you need one more conversation, you need one more explanation, you need one more answer, and then you'll be able to move on. But think about what you're really doing. You're outsourcing, you're healing to the person who hurt you, and you're handing the key to your freedom to someone who already walked away. I used to believe closure was the only way I was going to get over somebody. I needed you to tell me that I will be okay. And if you told me I'll be okay, you gave me a reason, right? And we have to think of why? Why do we want closure so bad? Because your brain is trying to close a loop when somebody ends something. If you're not making sense of it yourself, you're looking for the other person to validate your experience and to tell you it's okay to let you know that maybe you didn't do anything wrong, that it wasn't about you, that this is their shortcoming. But all it does is it prolongs the inevitable so that then you don't actually have to face reality. Because when we're waiting for closure, you're not actually accepting what is. You're hoping that the what if is going to set you free. So what does healthy closure look like when you don't get an apology or an explanation? Healthy closure doesn't require their participation at all. You're asking the person who hurt you to be the one that heals you. Healthy closure is you deciding that the chapter is over without their signature on the last fucking page. And the thing about the why, you think if you could just understand why you'd feel better, but you get the answer and it doesn't fit, or it raises more questions, or they lie, or they give you a reason that makes no fucking sense. You're not actually looking for information. You're looking for a feeling. You want the explanation to make the pain make sense, but understanding why someone left doesn't undo the leaving. These are the audience questions that you guys asked. I wanted to jump right on into a few and then started to understand what's coming up for you. Because I get it, right? I used to when I was dating, I would just say like I just need them to tell me why I need to understand because it was really hard for me to fathom a couple of things. One, if it really is them, then what does that mean about me? Oh, that I didn't do anything wrong, that not everything is my fault. And I'll be honest with you guys, which you guys know, I'm always vulnerable with you. I'm experienced without my career right now. Like I am not going to bullshit you. I'm like, oh my God, yeah, once you do this work, like you wake up every day and you're skipping on clouds and healing is nothing and you're just enjoying every single day. No, no, I still have fears of abandonment. I still worry that you guys are going to leave me even if you're like, that makes no sense. Well, it's the same thing I say when you're dating, right? We don't have any proof. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong. That just makes me a human. And the more we try to avoid that, imagine if I was like, I just need closure from you guys. I just need to know why you stopped listening. You'd be like, oh, bitch, really? You're going to outsource what that person's going through to make it your problem. Then of course, that's not like a direct correlation. But the reason I bring this up is to show that like you're a human and what you're going through makes sense. But the longer you prolong it of like, I just need closure. I just need to hear from them. I need them to tell me why no contact is so hard. It's like the only reason no contact is hard for you is because you're going through withdrawal. When you have somebody every single day, you're getting dopamine. You're getting the neurotransmitters. And then they're gone. You get none of it. So not only is your body not receiving what it was, now you have to baseline when you're losing everything in your dopaminergic system is firing and alerting saying we're not safe. But really what it is, it's now it's about you creating a life without this person that you're fucking excited about because if they were the center of your life, that's why you're struggling to get over them because you don't have one outside of them. Is it okay to never get closure from them and still move forward after nine years and he moved on already? Baby, after nine years, he moved on. Well, because he's not caring this the way that you are. So what are you waiting for? Someone who already put it down, you're holding a door open for someone who's already left the fucking building. If you're still stuck on somebody months and years after the breakup and you just keep saying, I can't get over them and I need closure, then this is nothing to do with them anymore. This is to do with the narrative that you've created about this person. I say it all fucking day, take the shine off of this person. What does that actually mean? Make them a real person. They're not the end all be all. They're not the one. They're not the love of your life. This is a person that it didn't work out with and the more you put them on a pedestal, you're putting your life on hold for someone who's already fucking moved on with theirs. At the end of the day, who's losing you? So if you actually want to make a change, you've got to decide for you when enough is enough and that you're finally going to let go of somebody because they weren't that fucking amazing to begin with because if they were, you'd be with them. Can you move on without closure? You have to because most people will never give you that closure, not the kind you're imagining. I know we want this to be like a movie where they show up at your door and they have this whole grandiose moment and they're telling you how they can't live without you and you're the person and they're so sorry and they fucked up. Maybe if the person that hurt you had the capabilities and bandwidth to take knowledge management, to take accountability and to own up to what they did, then they probably wouldn't have hurt you in the way that they did. You want this person to be a different person than who they actually are. And if that were the case, you wouldn't have had the issues that you have and the reason it's over. Stop romanticizing the relationship. You're allowed to say it didn't work out for you because when you do that, you're actually taking accountability and ownership because then you can say, "What are the choices that I made that made me stay?" If moving on requires that conversation, maybe you will be waiting forever. You're not healing. You're just holding yourself hostage to a situation that is long gone. And so now I want to talk about what's actually happening in your body right now because if you're anything like me, hi. You thought something was wrong with you. You thought you were being dramatic. You're too much. You're broken. And I found some research that changed everything. So let's talk about it. So researchers at the University of Michigan took 40 people who had been through an unwanted breakup and they put them in a brain scan. They showed them photos of their ex while they thought about being rejected. And it reminds me of retornals on shot. I don't know if you guys remember me and Ryan went to go see that. And you know, when she's sitting there and they're showing her all the photos and their brain mapping. Okay, sorry. So I don't. Then in the same scan, they gave them actual physical pain, right? Like heat on their forearm and what they found was the rejection activated the same brain regions as the physical burn, not similar the same. The secondary, so Matt is sensory cortex. That's a tongue twister. The dorsal posterior insula. These are the areas that process the sensory experience of physical pain. So they compare it against a database of over 500 brain imaging studies. These regions almost never show up in the emotional studies. They only show up in physical pain studies. So again, your heartbreak isn't metaphorical. Your brain is processing rejection through the same circuits it uses when you burn your hand on a stove. So when someone just tells you to get over it, when your chest actually aches, when you feel like something is physically wrong with you, you're not just being dramatic. Your brain has registered an injury and you don't heal a wound by understanding why you got hurt. You heal it by letting it close. And I know. I know. Maybe somebody told you that you're too much or you're too emotional, you're too sensitive. And your brain was literally processing this as, oh my god, there's something wrong with me. I remember my sister used to do that as much as I love her. She would always just be like, oh my god, just get over it. Or that's my dad, right? Move on. Just move on, get over it. And so I was taught the fact that you hold on to this means there's something wrong with you. You're emotional, yikes, everybody else has just moved on until I realized like, no, they haven't. I mean, I hear this all the time in dating, like I'm so tired of dating people that aren't done with their ex. My number one non-negotiable when I dated was you got to be done with your ex. I am not your fucking therapist. I am not your rebound center. I am not your goddamn rehabilitation center. I want somebody that is ready to move on with me from the past relationship. What have you learned what did it teach you about yourself. I want to see how growth minded you are because if you're not ready to let go of the past and build a new future Then nothing I do will ever change that and that's only going to impact my self-esteem and ruin the outcome Because I want someone ready to be with me not someone I have to fucking convinced to be with me This episode is sponsored by Mudwater You guys I was really struggling with brain fog and feeling super groggy in the mornings And I was trying to create a new routine for myself falling in love with my mornings Instead of feeling like I had to just get through them and when I love so much is incorporating mud water into my mornings every single morning So they have an amazing coffee alternative made with cacao, chai, turmeric, and functional mushrooms like lion's mane and rachee It is so delicious. They also have matcha. You know your girl loves matcha and every single ingredient in mudwater's products are 100% USDA certified organic non-GMO gluten-free vegan and kosher There's also zero sugar and no sweeteners added Guys if you are ready to make the switch to cleaner energy Then I need you to head to mudwater.com. That's MUD WTR.com and grab your starter kit today This will be the best decision for your morning right now and right now our listeners get an exclusive deal up to 43% off your entire order plus free shipping and a free rechargeable froth or when you use code Sabrina Zohar you do not want to miss this. That's right up to 43% off with code Sabrina Zohar at MUD WTR.com After you're purchased, they'll ask you how you found them. Please support our show and let them know we sent you I just want to give you the space to process it Michael said Elena paused. I don't think I want to see anybody else This is the love story of real hinged couple Elena and Michael written and read by me Raven Smith Listen to the free audio book now All right, let's see we had another audience question. Is it even possible to move on when you're so madly in love right? This is exactly what we were talking about. You're calling it love That has that is not fucking love, baby. That's your brain processing and injury It's going to hurt. It's supposed to hurt and the fact that it hurts this much doesn't mean that they were your person It means your brain got bonded and now it's detaching so that's biological We have to think about that and if a lot of you guys ask like I think about my ex all the time Thinking about them doesn't mean you're not over it your brain is still healing the best lesson I learned when I was moving on from an ex was don't try to get over them Don't try to stop thinking about that because what you're doing is you're telling your brain This is something that's important the more you avoid it that that means it's something important What we're actually saying is okay? Well, I'm thinking of them right I had a relationship with them We shared experiences which makes total sense that this person would still be in my head That doesn't mean I need to do anything about it. You're validating your experience You're allowing yourself to think about this person and you're making a choice to not do anything about it What you're doing is you're closing the loop. That is how you'll actually get over somebody It's not about pretending that they don't come into your mind It's acknowledging that they do and gently reminding yourself that they're an ex for a reason and that you deserve better So here's where it can kind of get a little counterintuitive. I did everything they tell you to do I journaled I processed my feelings I searched for meaning I tried to understand the why and it turns out that that might have made Making things worse. So David Sparrow and his team took 90 recently separated adults three groups So the first one was expressive writing about deepest feelings the second was narrative writing creating a story arc And a control group that just wrote about how they spent their time mundane shit, right? What they had for lunch followed them whatever so you followed them for nine months for people actively searching for meaning trying to understand The why the expressive writing made them worse it not didn't help worse up to nine months later and here's the thing the high Ruminators the people who go over it and over it in their heads They did the best in the control group the ones who stopped searching for why and just wrote about mundane life had the least Distress of anybody so Sparrow set it himself for people who are totally on their heads going over what happened The answer isn't more processing. It's re-engaging in life You're not avoiding you're choosing to live instead of choosing to loop and that's where I figured out the difference between Processing and ruminating they feel very similar Processing has a direction it moves you through something Rumination as a circle it keeps you in it. So you've been asking yourself the same question for weeks And then the answers aren't getting better you are fucking stuck And I know a lot of you guys are grieving and you're in this loop of what did I do wrong? Every time you go around the loop again, you're not processing you're ruminating and I don't want you to try to just get rid of this person I don't want you to pretend as if this person doesn't exist because then what that does that's actually just gaslighting you Again, you're allowed to say this wasn't this wasn't healthy for me And it was funny one of the hardest things for me was acknowledging That that person wasn't right for me You want to know why because if I made that determination if I said you're right They're not actually good for me. Then I had to hold myself accountable going. Oh, okay So then the narrative and the fantasy that you're holding is no longer going to happen This isn't the love of your life or not the one and then what did I have to do? I had to sit with myself I had to sit with myself and deal with the disappointment to deal with and the stories to deal with the fact that I allowed this I had to sit with myself and be okay with where I am and for a lot of us That's really fucking tough. That's why we make it about them. Welcome to the anxious attached here It's all about them. They will tell me everything's okay. They will let me free. They will give me the closure. They they they Why is it that they're the ones that are going to tell you when to move on with your life? Don't you make that determination? And I think about this all the time they always come back No, they don't they don't always come back and the more we hold on to that of like I know they're going to come back for me And they're going to realize what they lost you're just putting your life on hold and if I had done that I would still be single Four years later waiting for all these ethereal fucking people to realize what they lost and come back and give me the closure in the Conversation I would have just been putting my life on hold and the more I focused at all the doors that were closing I wasn't realizing all the windows that were opening and all the new opportunities in people because the more you're focused on them The less you're giving attention to new incredible people that are trying to make their fucking way in your life Okay, so your brain is processing and injury and searching for why it makes it worse So there's a third piece and this is the one that really broke me open when I found it out because it explains why this grief feels so Enormous and it's not just about losing a person So there were three studies on what happens to your actual identity after a breakup when you're in a relationship Your self-concept literally emerges with your partners shared friends shared activities shared plans You start using we instead of I right you start absorbing the parts of their identity into yours Their taste and music their group of friends their Sunday routine their version of the future and if the relationship ends and when it You know if it does all of those pieces don't need me separate they rip so two things can happen the content of yourself Changes and you lose actual pieces of who you are and second your self-concept clarity drops So you literally don't know who you are anymore and here was the finding it wasn't the rejection that predicted emotional distress It was it wasn't loneliness It was the reduced self-concept clarity, but I don't know who I am without them feeling that was what predicted how badly people suffered And that's where we have to say fusion right the differentiation and fusion that identity merge in Actions when you fuse with someone and they leave of course you don't know who you are And this is why the self abandonment work matters before the breakup not just after if you erased yourself to keep the relationship Now you're grieving someone who wasn't even fully you and you know you know what and this is why I talk about choosing Yourself so much because the people who have the hardest time after breakups are the ones who lost themselves inside the Relationship that's why I say all the time if Ryan and I ended tomorrow I'd be like okay, right? I'd be sad because I'm a human and I love this person But if he came to me and said I just I don't want this life or I'm not feeling it Okay, we're going to fucking argue. I wouldn't be like oh, I just need closure Because I have a really full sense of self. I have my things. I love I love the life that I'm building and I want to build that with my partner But I also know right like that was I think the biggest thing that we saw in love is blind It's like no divorce can't happen. It's like it's like can divorce breakups This is all very possible all very plausible and if you don't believe that that's ever a possibility You're already self abandoning you're already fused right if their mood was your mood and their life was their life Then when they leave they take you with them and now you're grieving the person and your entire identity No wonder this feels like you can't survive Obviously, and that's what I mean by like you make so much sense Nobody here is crazy, but we have to look and say was I maintaining my own life What am I grieving right? It's not just the ending. I'm grieving the fantasy. I'm grieving the future I'm grieving the version of myself. I'm grieving the little girl for me that Thought that this was it that thought that this was Prince Charming that thought and believed that I felt safe here and seen heard and understood That's a lot of grief So please show yourself some compassion, but you know what we also need to hold it and keep it real I can't tell you how many times I'll be in a session and I write a lot of people process through breakups And they'll stay like I loved this person and they were love of my life I've never gonna meet anyone and then when I say quantify it All of a sudden it's like oh right. Yeah, yeah No, so the love of your life is somebody who discredits you. Well, yeah, it's okay So that's what love is to you and no wonder this is gonna feel really intense So somebody asked I feel like if I don't wait for his return. I loved and mean anything at all. I feel bad moving on I want you to hear what I just said You believe that moving on means that love didn't matter That's the lie that keeps you stuck because grieving something doesn't erase it Letting go doesn't mean it was meaningless. It means it mattered and it's over That's too conflicting thoughts You're not portraying this person by moving forward. You're honoring yourself by refusing to live in a house somebody already left You don't have to Be in this situation because you're now feel that's guilt Guilt shame is I am bad guilt as I have done something bad You're allowed to take accountability without the shame. Yeah, I was unhealthy. Yes, I was reactive I self abandoned that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me someone who was operating with the tools I had Because if it's always everybody else is fault what's the common denominator right? Eventually we do have to look at ourselves but you do that with compassion not with a fucking bat. You don't do that in a way that is putting you down and I hear that all the time of like I can't move on especially when you're the one who did the breaking up or perhaps like behavior that you exhibited was the reason that it ended. Again that other person isn't gonna offer you closure. You create that on yourself. You create closure when you decide I deserve better. You create closure when you say I did the best I could with the information I knew and I'm not going to guilt myself into that and you create closure when you say I'm no longer going to carry why this didn't work on myself because it takes two people for a relationship to work and it takes two people for a relationship not to work as well and so if you want to take full accountability or make it all about them you're going to be waiting a long fucking time because it's not how that works baby. This is not how it works. This episode is sponsored by I Restore. Guys it's a new season. 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So baby give your skin the love it deserves this season. Right now I restore is running their spring bundle savings with code Sabrina at irestore.com. You can unlock an exclusive discount on the Illumina face mask. Again the code is Sabrina at irestore.com. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Start the year feeling refreshed, confident and glowing baby. I want to date with Rawls, Cardi says. Rawls, rougher ass. This is the love story of real hinged couple Cardi and rocker. Written and read by me Nicola Dynan. Listen to the free audiobook now. Somebody asked how do I kill the hope that this person will come back someday. You don't kill it, you grieve it. Hope is the last thing to die because hope is what kept you in it. Am I living my life or my pausing my life waiting for someone who left? You can hold hope and still move forward. You just can't hold hope and stand still. So let's put it together. Your brain is processing an injury. It's searching for why makes it worse, right? And it feels enormous because you didn't just lose a person. You lost a piece of your identity. So what actually lets you move on is grief. The one thing you're avoiding and grief doesn't feel productive. In a world that tells you do the work and keep fucking going and don't stop grief feels like the opposite of work. It feels like sitting in the dark doing nothing but grief is the work. That's the thing that nobody talks about. Nobody makes a carousel about the night you cried on the bathroom floor. But the night that night did more for your healing than six months of analyzing what went wrong. It's okay to hold space and say, I really wanted this to work. And remember what you're grieving. You're grieving a future and something you imagined a life you thought you never would have existed without this person. And we need to be able to hold that space and say, I'm allowed. I'm allowed to even carry two griefs at the relationship and the time you lost. The version of you who said wasn't stupid, that person was just scared. They were hopeful, grieved the time, but don't punish yourself for it. I hear that all the time like it was a mistake. I will tell you right now, nothing in my past was a mistake. Nothing in my past. Being with a narcissistic piece of shit that fucking drilled me into the ground. Not a mistake. For me personally, I think, I wouldn't be, and I think I know, I wouldn't be, you're sitting with you guys if I didn't go through all of those experiences. So instead of regretting what you did, maybe we can find meaning from it. That's why I love ACT acceptance and compassion therapy. Can we make meaning of the experience? And so maybe the meaning is, I'm never going to allow anyone to treat me like this. I'm never going to put my life on hold for someone else. And if I do, I'll compassionately bring myself back to what actually aligns with me. And maybe we can add for now. For now, I'm grieving. For now, it's hard. That doesn't mean it will be forever. And maybe as long as you have another breath, you get to choose. You get to decide. And I know, I know that this feels like you're never going to find anybody. Well, then we need to look at that narrative because then I want to ask you this. Is it actually about them? Or is it about the fact that you're scared of being alone and you don't want to keep doing this? Or is this more about the fact that you have scarcity mindset? That this was the end-all-be-all that you self-abandoned and you have to acknowledge that? But if you can hold on to them and make it all worth it, but Cicino, they came back for me. They came back or they want me or I got closure. We'll see then that it all makes it worth it. What if you don't get that? I'll pose that question to you. So you're just going to stay stuck forever. You're going to live your life waiting for somebody else to let you know it's okay to move on. So maybe we can reframe. I need closure too. I need grief. Grieford doesn't require their participation. I'm even going through that right now. I am. Right? I'm still grieving Clem and the name change and all of these things. I haven't talked about the name change in a minute, but I'm still grieving it. I'm grieving what came after it. I'm grieving that I lost myself because hey, fuck, it's the same as a relationship. I put my identity into that fucking name that I was, look, that name was giving me a life in a future and a career and success and all of these things. So I didn't just have to grieve what I had. I had to grieve the future that I thought I was going to have. And then rebuilding that on my own felt fucking terrifying. And some of those fears, they came true, but not all of them. And so you're allowed to grieve and let that take as long as you want. It's the same thing like anytime somebody fucking tries to come after me with grieving Clem, this is what I have to say. Go fuck yourself. You're going to fucking judge me and tell me that I'm not allowed to grieve. I'm not allowed to mourn. And that's a me job. I'm not fucking putting that on to anybody else. And I'm sorry that your inability to sit in that doesn't mean that I have to feel bad about doing it. But now we want to say, do you notice how like I'm allowed to grieve? But that doesn't mean I don't move forward with my life. That means that I hold this space and acknowledge how important that was to me, how much that meant to me because it did. You don't have to gaslight yourself. And as if you're fucking making this up, the relationship was real, the situation ship was real. But maybe the way that you're perceiving them might not be factual. And here's maybe a reframe. If I could just understand why, oh, maybe understanding why is remination, that's not actually healing. So it's not that I need to understand why I need to accept what it is. So let's say you asked me, why did they end up? And I said, well, because they felt super overwhelmed and they got really into their avoidance and they couldn't sit with you and they don't have the bandwidth. Okay. So you're going to ask me another why, why can't they work on it? Why wasn't I enough? What did I do wrong? Right. You know, so like there's always questions because it's not actually about the question. That's your nervous system trying to find any kind of safety or answer in an external. And maybe we can reframe something is wrong with me too. My brain is healing from an injury and I lost pieces of my identity. There's nothing fucking wrong with me. And given everything I've been through, it makes total sense that I would feel like this. That's something I need you guys to start getting really used to saying, given everything I've been through, it makes total sense that this is how I'd feel. You're allowed to. I'll give you that permission. And if you grew up in a house like I did, you weren't allowed. That meant there was something wrong with you. You're being dramatic. You're being too much. God, Jesus Christ, another fucking emotion. It's like, yeah, another fucking emotion. Because I'm a human. And I'm allowed to do that. But that's where I would say we have to look. And that's why when you guys tell me, I mean, nine years I've been moved on from someone. I'm like, you just wasted nine years of your life, hoping, especially like I have one of my clients and I even had to say like, I was like, listen, if you're not willing to invest in yourself and do this work, actually do this work, I can't help you because it was, it was a two years later of like, oh, well, this person's moved on and they have the boyfriend and they did it and I looked at the thing and the person's on even as attractive as me. It's like, so you're trying to find meaning. You're trying to find your validation and all you're doing is putting yourself down because that person moved on. I wouldn't want someone to do that. I would never want any of my exes to compare themselves to Ryan. I don't think that's fair. I would tell them personally like, this is nothing to do with your worth and who you are. We're just more compatible and what we want and how we handle each other. And maybe timing was off, right? Maybe when we met, I was a different version of myself. That doesn't mean anything. And I don't know, well, why didn't you do the work then? It's like, because I didn't know. That doesn't mean I go back into the past and try to make something happen that didn't. That means I move on and I learned from it because that's growth and you're allowed to do that. So let's get into the tool of the week, shall we? We love the tool of the week. And guys, like I said, as always, thank you guys for being here. Don't forget to share this with a friend, especially one that's really struggling to move on. That feels like they just need the closure that feels stuck, put in your Facebook groups, comment, rate, review, engage with the ads. Like, people ask me all the time, like, oh, you guys get paid from all the platforms. We don't. Podcasters, we don't make any fucking money except from YouTube and it's very, very small. Outside of that, no, the only way we stay going is because we have you guys supporting and we have amazing sponsors. I don't give, I don't do any sponsorships on a brand that I don't use myself. I've said no to more than I can count. So I wanted to just share that. And this is even my book comes out October 13th. I need, not I want, I need you guys to help me with the pre-orders. That's the only way I'll get target and Walmart and everybody to go, okay, this book is something that we need because if I don't grow it, nobody's going to do it for me. And sometimes I can feel really disheartening because you know what I get it. I understand how you feel when you're like, man, I would just love someone to just come and make my life a little bit easier. But unfortunately, that's not the way the cookie crumbles. And so please know, there's a free guide. There's a free quiz now. What kind of lover are you quiz? You get some free dating advice. via email. We've got the courses. We're starting a membership soon like I got you babes, whatever you need. If you want to add free everything will be in the Lincoln show notes. And if not, that's cool too. Thank you for fucking being here. All right, baby, let's get into the grief inventory, which is our tool of the week. As always, I put the tool of the week at the end because you guys got our net. I say this with love, but seriously, that I can't just give it. Like, you can't just give it all away. So this comes from the slaughter research. If you are self-concept shattered because you lost pieces of yourself, you need to know what you actually lost. You can't grieve what you haven't named. So I want you to get out a piece of paper. Get it out. I'm waiting. Well, you can do this later. Write down everything you're actually grieving. Not the person, but what you lost around the person. So make it tangible. The apartment, the friend group, the Sunday mornings, the inside jokes, the holidays with their family. Then I want you to look at the identity, right? Being someone's person, being chosen, the role you played in their life, who you were when you were with them. And then think about the future, the wedding you imagined, the kids, the house, the growing older, all of those things. And then look at your list. That's what you're grieving. It's not one thing. It's dozens. So no wonder it feels like it's taking forever. Because you're not getting over one loss. You're getting over fucking 30. And I get it. I understand. But I now want you to now, next to each one, right? K or R. K is for keep, something you rebuild on your own, ours were released, something that only existed in the context of the relationship, right? Sunday routine. Maybe that's a K. Maybe that's a K that you're like, I actually really loved that I loved going for an early workout. I loved going for a walk or a hike. I loved doing my red light. Wow, fucking no. That's me. I do red light. Oh, three, five times a week. I go on a hike. I do my PMF mat. Like mama is all about herself care because that's the only way I can keep myself sane. With her head running my life or not, I'm going to keep doing that future with their family. That's a release. You're not going to have that confidence. Baby, you keep that. That you rebuild it from the inside out. You go item by item. Keep what's yours and release what was theirs. And I want you to write in the comments, share your list. That's how we build the community. Let me know what do you want to get rid of and what do you want to keep? Keeping isn't the way that they saw me, the way that they made me feel. It's like, no, no, no, no, the way I want to keep is I want to feel seen hard and understood from somebody that I'm going to keep. But it's not about them. And I say this with love, but you're not stuck because you're broken and you're not stuck because you're too hard to love. You're stuck because you're waiting for permission to move on from somebody who already left. Grieve it. All of it. The person in the future, the version of yourself that exists in that relationship. Let it be sad. Let it be unfair. And then when you're ready, rebuild closure is a lie, baby. Grief is the truth and the truth is what sets you free. You don't need them to tell you who you are. You don't need them to give you permission to live your life. And you're allowed to be sad. But that doesn't mean that we need to give them more importance than they actually deserve. This to me is how you actually get over a breakup. And I know a lot of you guys probably don't want to hear that, but let yourself grieve. Don't sit in it. Don't ruminate on it. But allow yourself to process it and say, yeah, this was really tough. But I'll get through it. I always do. Oh, babes. Thank you guys as always. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Share with a friend. Courses one on one. Everything's at supernazohar.com. If you need me and if not, thank you for being here. Thank you for helping us build this community. Let me know what series you want next. Feel free to pop them on into the comments wherever you're listening. I read all of them. You're Ryan, one of us. And we really want to know how we can meet you guys where you're at. So don't worry, the next series not the next episode, but the next series will be on the nervous system. And I think I might do breakups per attachment style and do kind of a series on that. So stay tuned. We've only just begun my babies. And if you're new here, welcome. And if you're old, welcome back. I love you guys. I'm so fucking grateful for you. And until next time, my babies. I want to date with Rawls. Carty says. Rawls. Ruffer Ars. This is the love story of real hinged couple Carty and Rocca. Written and read by me, Nicola Dynan. Listen to the free audio book now. Endless summer escape started here. Inspired by fan favorites like Stranger Things and Squid Game. Brave the upside down. Face off with the frontman. Play leveled up arcade games. Shop exclusive merch. And enjoy themed food and drinks. Beat the heat. Play, eat and shop on repeat at Netflix House at Galleria delis. Bring your crew and safe. Get your tickets today at Netflix.com/house.