Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited - Chuckle Sandwich Finale

What happens when two people who grew up in a very strange corner of Los Angeles look back and realize just how bizarre their upbringings really were? They start a podcast, of course. I'm Ashley Johnson. And I'm Taliesin Jaffee. Before we became the internet people we are today, we spent our childhoods as working actors, appearing in shows like growing pains in films like Mr. Mom. And our podcast Weird Kids, we're diving deep into our unique upbringings, our friendship with each other, and all the delightfully odd interests we still carry with us today. In each episode we get to share stories of our youth, the things that bring us joy, the problems that we face, and occasionally the friends we've collected along the way. If you're a misfit, an outcast, or just a weirdo who loves all things nostalgic and unconventional, come take a seat at our table. Each week we'll be releasing previously members-only episodes on YouTube and all major podcast platforms, with new episodes dropping exclusively and ad-free on Beacon.TV. Welcome to Rut-Gutta with us. A podcast. For all of you creative weirdos out there. I'm Kate and some of you may know me as Mr. Kate. And I'm Joey. Mr. Kate's grounded in reality, other half. You may have met us on the internet over the past decade. We have the largest interior design channel on YouTube, have decorated for thousands of people, have millions of followers, billions of views, or own furniture line. But life is more than pretty rooms in 15 minute YouTube videos. That's right, every Tuesday we're sitting down for an hour with each other, and more importantly with you, peeling back all the layers of how all of life is really a creative project. Parenting, relationships, all the things that inspire you in your daily lives. Well laugh, we will cry, we'll learn, and my sister and I will grow as Joey out with our Romanticie Book Obsession. Listen to Rut-Gutta with us every Tuesday on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. We'll see you on the rug. Before the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich, we have one final piece of merch that we are dropping. And that is the Chuckle Dungeon Bootleg shirt, available now at Chuckle.store. It's got all of the Chuckleers on it, and it goes so hard. This is my favorite piece of merch I've ever made, and it's also the dumbest. This is the final Chuckle Sandwich merch design to commemorate our final episode. And you know what? I wouldn't have had it any other way. This shirt plus a sticker pack since some of you were requesting that, and all of the merch that we've released so far, will be available for six more days at Chuckle.store. When the clock strikes midnight on January 29th, it will be gone forever. Now with all that being said, sit back, relax, and please enjoy the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Welcome, weary Chuckleers. You are about to embark on a journey with millions, nay, billions of possible destinations, but all of them include the same way. Light meets dark, and one will remain. Welcome to the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Welcome to Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited. In the land of Xandral, cuisine is king. From the unparalleled marbling of the Tundra cattle's meat to the rich buttery flavor of the North Atlantic sea bass, this region is known for its exquisite delicacies and remarkably talented chefs. But lately, the dishes in this land have seemingly lost their lustre. A famine is beginning to sweep the nation, withering the crops and sickening the livestock. Life was food in this place, but now food is merely survival. That brings us to now. Each clutching a yellow note, three figures step out of these wilted woods in this moonlight clearing at dramatically appropriate times one after another. Who do we see walking out in this clearing under the pale moonlight, these withered branches, slowly giving way to a familiar figure. A battered and beaten, and yet slightly aged, hutch wagyu appears, a tiefling who is riddled with trauma, and I went through culinary school once. It went perfectly fine, because no one was involved to impede my experience. Then, I met a friend, and we had a nice dinner with our moms. Sounds great. And that was great. And then after I decided, you know, but I've always been in search of the Tundra meat. This is the greatest meat that's ever been created. It's got the best marbleization, because the cows are raised in the Tundra, where they get the coldest. Some of the cows die in the process. Don't get me wrong. That's just business. It's not animal cruelty. It's just business. But then I entered into culinary school again, and this time I wanted to get a better understanding of the meat. So I entered into culinary school with the dream of being able to achieve the highest level including the localities that go all around Tundra steak. We all know this already. However, while in culinary school, for the first time ever, my dreams were stopped short due to a betrayal by my culinary schoolmate, who through a series of coincidence, I would not have known otherwise Derek Sear. Derek was a culinary school superstar born into wealth through his parents, who had made their wealth by being landlords, but not the cool medieval kind, the kind that would paint over light switch, I mean candles, with a heavy coat of white paint. While Derek was talented, he could see my potential, and one day he invited me to a feast along with our whole culinary school class at his family's manner, where he had tricked me into believing we'd be tasting some Tundra steak that had been recently imported by his parents for their yearly landlord, Gala. Upon tasting this meat, the taste was unmistakable. I realized that Derek and his landlord parents had killed my mother, and turned her flesh into a steak and manipulated me into a humiliation ritual, horrific, where I'd eat my own mother's flesh in front of my whole class, totally embarrassing. After realizing this, I began to shed tears for my mother, and upon seeing this, Derek would say, "Oh, you're going to cry? That's a little gay, dude." It was in this moment I realized, that not only had Derek killed my mother and fed her to me, he was also homophobic. After years, I was able to cross hundreds of miles and legal obstacles to acquire the Tundra meat, and upon preparing it and tasting it for the first time. I realized, "Do you mind or?" The meat tasted no different than the charred flesh of my own mother. My goal I had defined my life with was forever tied to my most dramatic experience. Fuck. After visiting various meat seers, I discovered that the only way for me to discover the true flavor that's a concept in meat making. I would have to, well, I gotta get that motherfucking, Derek, I'm gonna get that motherfucking, Derek. And when you get him, what are you gonna do? Shing, shing, shing, shing, shing, Derek, I'm coming for you, I want to taste you in a stew. Butch steps out into this crooked, withered clearing, brandishing his familiar cleavers, with a mission of vengeance. And following suit, not short after, is another figure, which even whose silhouette to butch's eyes seems strangely recognizable. A lot, go ahead, take a seat and introduce your character at your own pace. What the hell? Hello, it's me, May O. I'm a war-forged sorcerer who used to be in the war, Fulugia, was the one. And after that, I did, well, they decommissioned me and forced me to live out the rest of my life as a lowly condominant server. People would come up to me and push against me and they'd give me, they'd say, "Give me my catch-up, boy." Man, I hated it. And most of all, I hated lettuce because it doesn't belong. where close. What is that? Exactly. After defeating lettuce in the first dungeon I faced. I went on a journey of self-discovery and I realized not only just drinking this delicious potion of grease keep my joints nimble. I'm going to do that right now. Oh, it's fantasy that's WD-50. I also became heavily invested in body modification. Anything I can modify on my body I do it. Even the places you can't see. But as time went on I got a little rusty. Some may say my journey of self-discovery ended in anguish and frustration as my condiments became a little shitty. I go for some ketchup. Why is it juicy? It's like you're at an 80-year-old diner trying to get the ketchup out and all the sudden you get the puddle, hated it, terrible. And I knew I needed to fix it. But Mayo, you two see each other in how long has it been? Years, years, years. Did you guys ever hang out again after that one fateful day? No. No. It's been years. Has been. Yeah, no, we just did that one project and then we just kind of went out separately. Why are you here? When I got this I don't even know what my voice is. I got this note. This mysterious note. And it's just what I had to come here to the crooked clearing. Why? Well, if I wanted my meats to once again have the juice and the marbling they deserve which is well that's that's all I'm I'm searching for. That's interesting. That's all I'm searching for. That's interesting because my note also says that I can be great again if I showed up here. And so I and this clearing it is quite crooked. And as you look around, yeah, through these wilted branches, you hear thick, thundering footsteps as one final figure. Holding a note similar to both of yours strides out. Who is this? Tucker. Go ahead. Take a seat. Introduce your character. Hello. Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Well, you might be wondering who I am and how I got here. Yeah. Yes. A few nights ago I woke up in my hammock with a note that's led me to the crooked clearing. My name is Francis. Francis the fisherman. Francis the fried fisherman. I was a fry cook in the Navy in my early what are you doing? I just I couldn't hear you that well so I got closer to you physically in the world that we are in to hear you better. I was a fry cook in the Navy. I made the best fried fish around bass, cod, haddock, chilean bass, sea bass, bluefish. You name it, I fried it. One fish, one fish, two fish, bluefish. What are you saying? After that, my wife Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte. We were tired. We were tired on the North Atlantic. I would fish in my days off and sail in my days on. The storm took Charlotte. Charlotte. No. It's not a day that goes by, I don't think about Charlotte. But Charlotte and I, we had a good life. We had a little girl, Rose. Potter had a fish. But the fish grew short. They grew small. No girth on these fish. No girth. And the money stopped coming in. The fun stopped coming in. And I traded roses soul for better fish. I traded it right to David Jones Rose. That's my daughter. Oh, listen up. But I watch out. This guy's a shit. I don't know if you're going to stay on the crew. Sorry, I don't work as good as I used to. I don't have night terrors in my hammock every night, thinking about Charlotte, just so you could not pay attention. We're the crooked clearing. It is such a crooked. It's crooked. It's so crooked. So I've come for fish. And maybe the chance to save Rose from David Jones, not because, not because I love her, but because he went back on the deal and he didn't provide the fish. It's just not right. I just need the fish. It's all that I have. That makes sense. You know, as a fellow meat eater, I can understand. Keep going. Just let me reach behind you. Yeah. Keep talking. I just need a little of this. Oh, I thought he was making a move on me. I need to do. I need a little of this. Where did things come from? Oh, and I eat a little bit of this. Never listen to me bones. Just listen to me bones for this. Oh, never goes anywhere without a stash of goodies. You got a little little bit of goody there. If you're a good boy, you'll get a little yourself. Oh, interesting. Oh, interesting is right. That's half the mug. Easy there, little guy. Easy there. Don't call me little guy. I saw a battle in Fallujah. Yeah. We tore that place up. I heard stories of Fallujah. Yes. You know, the shit you guys did was fucked up. We did drop leaflets. We did warn them. You're making me sad, boys. It's like an hour out. We're gonna tear it out from the attack. You drop leaflets. You're just like, no crime. I'm gonna decide on a voice right now. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Ah. Much wagyu. Yes. If you want your meats to once again have the juice and marbling they deserve, come to the crooked clearing until no one. Yes. Now this is my voice. Sorry. I had something in my throat. Shall I read mine? Yes. Please read it. Weird fisher guy. It's Francis the fried. Francis the fried. If you desire fish of the immense weight and girth that they were before the lakes ran dry, come to the crooked clearing or the end is nigh. I didn't fucking rhyme. Bitch. And my sailor always rhymes. And mine says if you desire your sauces to regain their bluster and zest, come to the crooked clearing to prove you are the best. Why the fuck does both of yours rhyme? I don't know, but if you want your meats to once again have the juice and marbling they deserve, come to the crooked clearing until no one. That's not a rhyme. Maybe it's hard to rhyme with deserve. I just feel like you would know it's rhyme with deserve. Had a little bit more thought. I'm with this. They were just rhyme with the zoning and it on my nose. I'm a word with deserve. Huh? Relax a little man. I'm sorry. I didn't decide on the rhyme until the second note. What you see as out of the clearing comes this little what looks like this little blue frog man with a tin foil hat on. I wonder what he tastes like. I'm so glad you made it. No, no, don't eat me. Don't eat me or you'll never end up eating a bite of anything ever again. Not the threatening way. Just an factual one. Let me show you. You see as he pulls out from under his cloak these various like tablets and scrolling. This guy looks like he is like all over the place he's looking around. No shit. A librarian. No, nobody, but I did find these and I did study and I know what's going on here. I know why your meats are gray. No offense. No offense. And your fish are withered. No offense. Nothing bad. And your sauces. That could be natural, but I have a theory too. You see as he produces these ancient tablets and etchings of what looks like this great pyramid structure. It looks like it's in the vast cosmos of space floating around and you see as these tablets tell a story of this thing floating through the vastness of space arriving at worlds and you see as they illustrate in these ancient drawings as the world is slowly drained until it is this dull black and the pyramid moves on. No. You're the one that took my fish. No, no, I didn't do that. I didn't do that to your fish. This thing took your fish. This thing up there in the sky. In the sky. Not in a bit. It usually comes by here. But anyway, I'm glad out of the thousands of people I sent notes to you. Three decided to show up. I didn't decide on the rhyming thing until the end was amazing. Okay, I mean, I find, but how about this? To get the meats you deserve or else you'll find your destiny may swear. That works. That works. Fine. I don't know. I just feel like it would be cooler if it was written. Yeah, you fucking showed up. So whatever. Yeah, no, I'm here. So fucking hell. Damn it. Anyway, does any of you have a watch or a clock by chance? No. - Ah, that's okay, let's see, based on me. - My fucking cleavers act as a sundial sometimes. - Yeah, just put them down, okay. - I usually get the urge to pull this out around 5 p.m., so I'd say it's around then. - That's exactly when it shows up, and you see as you pull it out at exactly 5 p.m. - A very accurate, time-accurate nicotine addiction. (laughs) - I relied on that. I knew. (laughs) The moon is blotted out by a shape. You can't see it at first as it almost shimmers into existence. What at first appears to be a square obscuring your vision, but as it rotates, you recognize it as this great pyramid floating overhead. And as it does, you feel the land, and even your own bodies quiver and you feel yourself weak, and you see the grass starts to wilt. - That's the damn thing. That's the damn thing that's sucking the new tristan out of the land. - I'm leaking. - Boys, I can't get hard. - Boys? - Oh, and every sailor goes through that. - I can't get hard, boys. I can't get hard. - In time. - I'm always hard. - What about down below? - Bio-cock. - How's your bio-cock? Is it in working order? - Hard. - Hard? - Always hard. - Check now. - Oh, oh my god, I'm soft. (laughs) - Shit, that fucking pyramid's a turn off. - It is, it is, and it's gonna turn off the whole world unless you three, you're the fish ain't fucking. - What? - There's no more fish in the sea. - You watch fish fuck? - Well, I like when they do, 'cause then there's more fish. Actually, I meant to hand the new tea in person, but you're watching them. - Watching them, they got fuck, or there's no more fish. That's how it works. - That's how it works for us. - Fish got a fuck, dude. - They have to. - Well, how do you expect us to fix this? - Big ladder. - There's only one way. No, wasn't in the budget, but my buddy, he's a big guy. And you see, as the ground beneath you starts to move. - Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. - I don't like this. - You see, we're right now on the back of a large mountain giant. I spoke with him. They need the land to survive. And that thing's taking the land, so we struck a deal. We struck a deal. Whenever adventurers, I could convince to come here. He would help me fling into the pyramid. - Oh. - It's the only way. - I do see an iron trap door on it. - That's right. And where do trap doors lead? - To knowledge. - To knowledge. To knowledge. - Knowledge. Yes, knowledge. - Knowledge. - Knowledge of Tundrapeef, knowledge of fish. - Oh, shit. - Slaps your back a little bit. I'll be out there. - Little frog boy. - Yes, of course. - I say something, by the way, though. If we are hard to be on the back of a giant. - Yes. - On in this crooked clearing. - Yes. - I think I have, I understand why this clearing is so crooked. - Yes. - Your giant friend has sciatica. - Yes, that's right. - He should get that checked out. It's a bad pinch. Oh, I'm glad you bet you did. - No, no, reach for it. And you see, as he goes to reach for it and stands up really quickly, you see as the ground begins to shift upwards, faster and faster. Are you three up for the challenge? - Uh, I guess. - You guys want to, you guys want to sand it? - Indeed. - Let's fucking go. - Okay. - A little weirdo. - Fucking rude. Jump at the top like it's a big elevator. That should take you all away there. Good luck, adventurers. - You see he holds on to a branch. - Okay. - Can you read, explain what there is around us right now 'cause I'm a bit confused. - Yes, you are in a, basically a wooded clearing. It has, it has started a crooked, wooded clearing. It has started to move upwards and you can see the ground around, starting to shift as the back of this great giant is essentially being revealed and he's reaching for his sciatica nerve. - Yeah. - We have to get on top of that. - Hold on to something, Lads. Let's be honest. American politics right now is a lot. Every day, there's a new headline, a new crisis, a new thing you're supposed to be outraged about. Frankly, it's exhausting. The Findout podcast is where we cut through all of it. Every week we break down what actually matters, what's actually at stake and what you can actually do about it. Less noise, more signal. Search Findout Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. - If you have nothing nice to say, you can say what that is. I'm Suzanne Lambert, comedian, mean girl, and internet menace and this is the Mean But True podcast. Every week, a special guest in an ill talk, pop culture, current events, romance, whatever we feel like. I don't know, are you a cop? We'll be keeping it funny, playful and petty per usual. You cringe at the sight of people posting QR codes to fund their own voucher at parties. You need to know how to respond to that coworker with a bad haircut, who's always making dicks or just need to get something off your chest. Make sure to subscribe to Mean But True wherever you listen to podcasts. Unless, of course, you hate fun, in which case, don't. I'm Suzanne Lambert, and this is Mean But True. - All right, no, no, we have to get on top of that, right? Let's try to get on top of that then. And then hold on. - And then we hold on. - Yes. - You guys all start scrambling towards the top of the giant and as it is rising to meet, what is clearly a much larger structure than you had initially thought? This great black obelisk, blacking out the moon, as you all run towards it. - I have to guys running. - Oh, right. - Or power walk or jog towards it. - He can teleport, he's technical. - I can't do that. - You can, you're technical. - I'll see you guys over there. - I can see it in your face. - And as the giant goes, oh, and cracks his green back. You feel a wave of tension, fly upwards as you know, the moment is now to jump and describe what does it look like as these characters leap off the back of this great giant into this pyramid. - Okay, we're doing a jump, we're doing an actual jump. - Here we go. - Beautiful. - You soar through the air towards the base of this pyramid. - And he greets. And he greets. - And he greets. - So we're flying and he's just stuck. - Mid-air grease, he needs it. And as the three of you leap off in place towards this great glass structure, you all instinctively close your eyes as you approach it with a rush and you hear the shattering of glass. As your bodies are flung into the first layer of the pyramid. - I haven't been on a journey like this since '49. - What happened then? - The great storm, dark day. Dark and stormy day. - What was the adventure if it was dark? - The adventure to cross the sea. We never made it. - You never made it? - Never made it, what happened? Oh, we wrecked. We wrecked, it was bad. - In the middle of the ocean. - How are you alive? - I'm a good robotsman. - Lifeboat? - Are you Irish? - Sometimes. - I've never heard of Ireland before, but is it nice then? - It's right next to landland between Iceland and Ireland. - Oh, well, that's what I'm from. - Where the fuck are we boys? - Yeah, you guys are talking on the ground and as you are sort of collecting your bearings, you see that you are in what looks like a great field of wheat that stretches on. You can see it looks like it appears to be sunset as the beams of light weave their way in between these great stocks of wheat. It smells of grain and starch. And you can see that in front of you, there appears to be a winding path through it. It seems to stretch out in every direction, but in the distance far ahead of you, you see what looks almost like a great black cylindrical tube heading upwards into the sky. - Yes. - What do you do? - I think we need to get towards that. - Shut sail for the great black tube. - Well, can we first, I don't know. There's a bunch of wheat here. We don't know how long we're gonna be in here. Maybe we try to get some rashes. - That's stupid, you should harvest. - It's going up, it's going up currently. - All the wheat is. - No, the black thing in the sky. - We're in it. - No, we're not. - You are within that structure. Now you can see you're in this great field. It looks like after you crashed on through, as you see that kind of shatter, almost seal back up behind you, leaving what just looks like. - Oh, wait a minute. It's too much. - Too much grease. - He's a machine. I think we should put him anywhere. - We're lubricated. - We need to put him to work, so we can eat. - Is it possible for me to look at this wheat and see if we can do something with it? - Yeah, absolutely. Go ahead and make a survival check. - That is a D20. - That's a D20. - You got it? You're gonna add your survival skill. - All right, here I go. - Hold it, that's a fucking four. - Four plus what's your survival skill? 4 plus. plus my survival, which is plus 2/6. - Not great, the wheat appears to be, I mean, it's perfect, it looks GMOed, it's the perfect wheat, but for some reason, it looks like just looking around. You can't really think of much to do with it in way of recipes, however. However, but you did take the chef fee, right? - I did. - Very good. If you guys take 15, 20 minutes, not real in game, in this clearing, you can prepare, it won't taste very good because of your six, but you can prepare a bready, wheaty treat for the party if there's something in mind that you can cook. - Wait, what's the party? - Well, let me, that's us, dude. - Where'd a party? - You ain't even laughing, neither do I. - I've got a fireballed, we could cook it. - You can prepare six of these. - I'll cook it. - Can I mix it with my rations that I have? - Absolutely, yeah. - I have 20 pounds of ration, or one day's worth of ration. - I could summon, I say. - Do you think that would, would I be able to figure out if that could improve the, like the, how long that'll last us? - Yeah, you figure if you use the rations and it'll last you at least till the end of this, this structure. - Okay. - Yeah. - So I don't even, I really don't even need to mess around with this wheat. This wheat is, would not improve my quality. - What do you, what do you make out of it? What do you make out of it? - Well, I have, start preparing the bread. - Yeah. - Start making the bread dish. - Okay, you're gonna have to use my magic fire. I'm a sorcerer. - I'll cook it. - You put it together, you've got two cleavers right there. - The only one that's had to do it right, he's right. - And you guys are right. - I've got the fireballed. - He should be harvesting, he's got the mechanical. - No, he really should. - He's got the cleavers. - I have shit. - That's true. - So, he's going to increase con or, I'm hungry. - Don't worry, don't worry. - Just someone going to be the one that eats it in universe, what do you create out of this wheat? That's what matters. - That's part of the short rest. - Yeah. I'll just describe what you make. I'll take care of the rest. - I take the wheat. - That was all I was there. - Wheat, this wheat. It's pretty much just a big wheat field from where you are standing now. - I take the wheat, and I'm like going like this, and I'm like, and I'm like, man, this is so confusing when there's no tendons going on here. What the fuck? What the fuck? And I love how you get like, it's going fine. It's going fine. - Hmm, yeah, sure it is. - What the fuck are you going to fucking eat this? This is fucking stupid. And I put together like basically a bunch of chopped wheat. And then I'm like, put it on this thing, this cleaver, audio people, audio psychics love you to death. And I'm like, hey, hit this with a fireball. See what happens. - Fireballed. - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. - I could keep a sailor warm for quite some time. - But she doesn't look great. I mean, obviously it's kind of just cooked, chopped, shredded wheat, you know. But you made a. - Ray of sickness. - No. - You made basically like shitty shredded wheat is what you have. - Okay, can I dig a bite out of it? - You can take a bite. I'm gonna say for this. - Or can I put it in my pocket. - Yeah, put it in your pocket for the sake of this. The next time you guys take a short rest, you'll get a bunch of additional HP if you eat that shredded wheat. - Okay. - All right. Still in front of you as the path. Do you guys want to continue to move forward? - Yeah, no, no, let's keep going. - That's a progress. - Yeah, let's progress. Let's walk, I guess towards that big pillar or tube that's entering the sky. - That's what I was talking about. - You was talking about the tube. We have to move towards it. - You're not a bunch of food. - You tried gas lighting me. - Listen machine. I saw a bunch of food. And I was like, hmm, that seems like something that would be good. - I don't want to hear it. - I want to hear it. - I'm gracing. - I'm gracing. - He gets a little rusty with all the salt that's coming off me. (whimpering) (laughing) - Revved up. The V8 is going. - Here's a machine. - Francis, as you guys all start to walk out, you hear something before the rest of your comrades do with your 15 pass of perception. You hear what sounds like someone in the field running. And you see out in front before anyone else does. It looks like an older, white haired man who's almost bloodied up, runs out into the center of the field and looks around nervously. You see him before he sees you. What do you do? - David. David. - Who? - That's David. - Who's that? - Wait, pause. (laughing) But you have to, if you want to figure it out. So it is improv, but it's like, but like, information is, like, you can't give information like that. - Why is he jerking off? - Like, you can, it's basically like, you can do whatever you want, but you have to. But like, the information about the world and like, the results and everything comes from him. So you could like, go up to him and ask him what his name is. And then you would find that out again. - I was about to give him a backstory. Well, that's his job. - Go do that. - Yeah. - That's his job. - Basically, you're in full control. - That's okay, that's okay. I'm just, I don't know. - Dude, don't worry about it. You're in full control of your character and your actions. But as for this world, you know, basically, as far as you know, you've just seen this guy stumble out. - Yeah, he builds the world for us and we play with him with our own character. - Exactly. - Oh. - You don't recognize him, but he does look like he's wearing almost a tattered chef. - You could say some of that. - A tattered chef? - Chefs apron, yeah. - I walk up to this familiar man. I ask him who he is. - You start to, you start to walk towards him and you ask, you wanted to say, who are you, right? - Yeah, you ask out, who are you? His head snaps over to you. You see, he's still quite a few meters in front of you and he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no more, no more. What do you say? - I say, it's okay, lad. It's okay, come here. Come here, talk to me. I think I recognize you. - Okay, okay, he said, okay. As long as he's not here listening and he starts to kind of cautiously come over to you. What do you say? - I say, what's wrong? Who's got you down now? Who's watching you? Tell me everything, I'll help you out. - Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. He grabs onto you, he starts like crying and sobbing. Thank you so much, you saved me, you saved me. What's your name? - My name is Francis, but you can call me Francis the fried. - Francis the fried, Francis the fried, Francis the fried, Francis, I'm Frank. And thanks to you, I'm Frank, I'm Frank the free, I'm free. Frank the free. And then he snaps his head off to the side. You hear as well with your passive perception, heavy footsteps coming towards where you are. - Everything brought, everything all right over there, Francis. Who is that? Who is it? Can I see this guy at this point? - You see this guy, he's grabbing him, he's crying, he's sobbing. - Francis, are you being assaulted? You being assaulted? - I'm good, but I hear something coming. I think we should cast a fog cloud. A fog cloud, can you do that? - I can do that. - Oh, great idea. - Yeah, do you cast fog cloud? - Is that why you kind of look like a fish? - I come from the sea. - Oh, you're like, oh, you mean my appearance? Yeah, no, I'm a fish. And I just, I don't like to bring it up, you know, I kinda, in this world, I feel a little uncomfortable about it. - Yeah. - But yeah, I'm a fish. - Yeah, you got gills. - Oh yeah, I gotta stay wet. We gotta get to the top of the star quick. (laughing) - Francis, what does it look like as you cast fog cloud? - I go, I go like this, and the fog comes up out of the ground. - Amazing. - Wow. - All of a sudden, this once warm, vibrant, welcoming sunset field appears a lot more eerie and sinister as the fog rises and this sound of footsteps gets closer. You see, Francis, you can barely make out this figure's face in front of you. And you see, as the footsteps, (blows raspberry) get closer, the mist in the distance starts to move. He puts up a single finger to his mouth, and he goes. Run, run, run, as fast as you can, Francis. You can't escape him, the gingerbread man. Out of the fucking mist, what looks like just a great blur sweeps this man, rending him off of his feet, and you see, as he goes screaming into the fog, leaving a trail, as you hear the wheat field, (blows raspberry) Russell, you guys are safe concealed within the fog cloud, but you can tell that whatever this was. - What the fuck was that? - Has taken him. - Frank. Frank, my boy. - I'm going to put a D6. - Dude, I think your buddy just got caught. - I think I got him killed. - You got him killed? - It's okay, you lose sailors, it happens. The fish eat and start of the crabs. So the way the wheat fields work, Francis, is, as he raises his finger to you and gets swept away. There is a. Creature in the wheat, drawn to. - The creature of the wheat. -. drawn to excessive noise to running to fear, right? There's a D6 on the table, it starts at one. Every time moving your way to this cylinder, that you guys create an excessive sound or fail a challenge or cause a large crash, or maybe even just scream or raise your voice, that will be turned up one. When it reaches six, the creature will know where you are. - Oh, fuck. - Shhh. - Oh, shut the fuck up. - He made you saw that guy get killed. - Yeah, no, that was fucked up, dude. - It can sense us. - Dude, that was fucked up. That was fucked up. - I know we need to be quiet, but I need to top off. - I get. - I need to top off, boys. - I'm gonna start flicking out if I can't do a little top off. - Okay, this is the exact top. - So the point we should be doing now. - Just relax, I just need a little top off. - Where the hell did you get that? - I always keep it on me. - I knew it's a huge bottle, though. - I'd never go anywhere that my room would be. - You'd have a bad one. - I don't worry about it. - All right. - I get the little one of these, too. - How the hell did you get that from? That's also. - What are you doing? - I need grease. - I got it. - I see a solid block of grease. - My boy need a little top off himself. - He needs grease. - Oh, he needs grease. - Oh, you got a little top off yourself. - I'm just gonna make sure that this is filled. - Okay, we gotta get moving. - A good sailer never spills his liquor. - We gotta get moving through this weed field. - That we do. - We try this grease before we. - We should be safe for now. - That's, oh, that's nasty. - Oh, that's nasty. - That was from AutoZone. - Are you in the zone? - Oh, you guys are in the zone. - I'm gonna start moving. - You start moving. For instance, are you keeping the fog cloud up? - Of course. - I'm gonna start, I'm gonna start waiting through the weed. - You guys start going through the weed. With the fog cloud, it is very, very hard to see where you're going. You can keep your eyes on the path below you. You guys are obscured, but so is the way. So, good risk reward. It seems like it did help, though, in not getting spotted right away. - Well, we're in some sort of structure, correct? - You remember crashing into the structure, but now it appears you're in this big field. - In this big field? - But we know it's like it's a podcast. - This is a structure at the end of the day. - You're inside of it on you. - It's a task, is it possible that I could investigate to see if there's maybe something that could help us along the way, maybe a separate path to avoid are creepy little weird presents. - Yeah, yeah, you wanna look for a separate-- - Maybe a hatch or something. - You wanna look for a hatch. - Perhaps. - Okay. - A hatch. - Yeah. Why don't you just go ahead and give me a perception check? - As you all look around, try and find the best way forward. - It's your D20. - Oh, the D20. - Yeah, it's a D20 plus your perception. - I got an 18. - Hey, could I get your mechanical eyes? Take a look at that. - It looks like a 17. - Oh, I am very perceptive. - 16. - So I have like, I win 15. - 15. - Francis. - It's gonna be under skills. - Under skills. - Investigation, right? - Perception. - Perception. - Perception skills. - I got plus zero. - I have plus five on a 17 roll. - Wow. - That's amazing. - I did, I am amazing. - It's a 22. - And that's good math. - This. - You have a 1-inch for me. - I have an 18. - Okay, 15, 18, 22. Really great, guys. - We're very good. - Ever do you want hears with those great rolls? What sounds like snoring as you guys are walking forward? (imitates snoring) - Not human snoring. And with a 22, you can tell that it sounds like sleeping dogs of some kind. - Dogs. - Is there still the stomping noise? - I don't know the stomping. What do I hear here at the hounds? - And Francis, with that, with a 22, you're keen ears. A custom to all of that time out on the vessel at its sea. You can tell there's exactly three of these creatures it seems like. - I count three hounds in a distance. I can hear them. - Three hounds, you say? - That's right. - You guys are moving towards them and butch as you try and investigate this wheat see if there's a way around. It looks like you can kind of slide into it as the path starts, but it just becomes far too thick to continue to navigate. So it seems the only real option if you don't want to make too much sound and knock over wheat, which you could try is heading towards this snoring sound. - Oh. - What would you like to do? - Well, I mean, let's do it. - Let's do it. - Yeah, let's go towards this. Does anyone here have any experience with dogs or animals? - Animals, never seen an animal use my meats, sauces. My sauces, never seen an animal use my sauces. - Yeah, you do. - They don't like you. - Gentlemen. - Gentlemen, I had something to tell you. - Oh? - I've been known to possess an animal. Make it do what I want. - Oh. - Yeah, it's an ability I learned out on the sea long day, long sober days. I figured it out. - Oh. - I ran out of liquor, things got wild. - Oh, that's a good idea. - But ever since then, I can do it. I can clear the way. - Well, I have to talk to you, dude. I mean, I. - This mechanical guy is kind of weird, huh? - That was a mask. - No, it was a, it was a body modification. (laughing) That I can unplug at any time when it becomes too uncomfortable. But when it's equipped, I feel better about myself. - Oh. - Sweet. - Very good. - Very good. - I'm feeling better about myself. - There we go, stop it. - Get him some of that. - A little bit of rust, never heard. - A little bit of grease, never fixed up. - All right, well, Francis, I mean, if these, these, these sounds, I mean, I mean, can't see him yet because of the fog cloud, but you can hear they're very, very close. - Let's go towards them. - Perhaps we could ascertain. - I need to lay your eyes on the beast to take control. - Yeah, can we check out what these sounds look like? - You can, if you drop the fog cloud, you'll be able to see what they look like. Otherwise, if you continue to move forward, you're kind of just operating on sound until you're right next to it. - How far ahead can we see? - In the fog, like, maybe five. - I can, maybe one chunk. - Not even a chunk. - Low radius fogs. If we get up there and those sounds are, if we get up there and those sounds start freaking out at us, I mean, you're gonna be early shot. And maybe you, maybe you head up to those sounds and maybe check 'em out yourself. - Here's what's gonna happen, boys. Gonna drop the fog. We're gonna send Bioboy out there, okay? And he's gonna distract him. - No. - No, I'm not gonna do that. - And you're just gonna keep me covered. - I'm not, how many can your, your little spell? - How many can you possess? One of 'em? - I'd never done more than one in three quarters, but we gotta find out now. - Okay, but I'm not gonna distract. - I'm not gonna distract 'em. - You, you got to at least meet to lose. - Two dogs. - That's true, you read dogs. - And I can handle them. - It's not gonna be a dog, it's not gonna be easy. - But it sounds like you think there's at least three. - I'm not gonna do. - Are you sure you wanna drop the fog? That's the only thing that's, whatever that noise is. - One well-timed kick could take out one dog, but not two others. - You think that you think there's a charge at the same time. - I've heard that. - Things get messy. - Hold on Francis. - Tell me more about this well-timed kick. - Well-timed kick is all a dog needs. - I wanna see this in action. Let's see what happens. - Can he drop the fucking fog so we can see what the fuck is over there before you send me out? - We'll drop the fuck. - Oh shit. - See, that's what happens when you yell. That's what happens when you yell. - Mayo, you raise your voice, you hear a distant groan. - In the wheat. - Hey man, if you've got a good well-timed kick that you're not, that you haven't been sharing with the rest of the world. - Well, if a well-timed kick, yes I do. - Mayo, be gloating about your skills and not be willing to use them. - Mayo, you look at your hands and you see that your sauce just a single drop begins to leak on the ground and you start to hear sniffing. These hounds are about to wake up unless you guys decide on a course of action. What do you do? - Mayo, are you confident in your well-timed kick? - You want me to kick 'em? I mean, if you think you can. - Why did I use a spell? I'm a slaughter room. - You know, if he kicked the one and he sacrificed his power fist for another- - I'm not this, the dogs are faster than us, yes? He can get one of them. - I mean, you hope that I will. - I mean, the time kick one, you do whatever you do and then Tucker- - And then whatever his name is, he goes and possesses the last one and we use that to our own advantage. - Well, we need to make a choice. - Well-timed kick one. - You're making a mess here, son. - Are you attempting to kick one? - I run up to one and I kick it in the face. - Okay, okay. - If you run, Francis, did you drop the fog? - Well, now that he's kicked when I drop the fog and we make a right for it. - Okay, good stuff. So. (laughing) Awesome. You run up the fog, drops. You see what these hounds look like. You can see they are medium, large, dog looking creatures, almost like hellish in nature as their sort of features are gnarled. They are a golden brown color, and you can see their coat is cracked and muddied, almost like the crust of red would be. - Oh, gross. - They're all changed to individual posts that that doesn't matter. You weren't straight at one and you go to deliver a well-placed kick. Go ahead and roll to attack right on this dog. And it wakes up and goes, 20? - D-20, yep. - 12 plus-- - Any additions? - Plus what would I add? - Add your strength or DEX. - I'm gonna add my DEX. - Okay. - I roll 14. - Very good. - That was nice. - That's enough to hit. Go ahead and roll damage on this hound. - What's damage? - Damage is, what is your unarmed strike damage? - Plus one. - It's whatever your strength is. - Zero. - Zero damage. (laughing) - It does. - It says zero damage. - Do you have no strength? - It sure looks like a zero. - I know he was out barking, hope I-- - Mayo, your joints are not what they used to be. - And maybe in the last minute I try something else. - Fine, right as you go for this well-placed kick, which does impact the dog. And you hear this crunch of this bread breaking. But unfortunately, your joints lock up right at the end of your range of motion. And you basically just tap it, you see as it wakes up and it starts barking at you. The other two are waking up now. What do you guys do? - Well, first of all, I yell out across the field. - That's interesting, Mayo. It looks and appears that a well-timed kick has not defeated the dog. - I need to take control. The barking as well is gonna tick that counter up to three now. - I need to take control of the hounds. - You guys only have a second here. - Francis, you go for a hound, I'll go for a hound. Can I, I want to try to slit the throat of one of these hounds. - Absolutely, yeah. Mayo, you can choose now to kind of try and scamper on while they're distracting, which you run up, you go to slit one of their throats, go ahead and roll to attack. D20. - Oh, 15, 15, plus four strength. - Very good, yeah, that'll absolutely hit. Go ahead and roll your damage on your cleaver. - Yeah, I'm using my hand X, so I'm using my 1D6. - Perfect, perfect. - Perfect, go ahead and roll it. - So, seven. - So seven plus four? - Oh no, three plus. - Oh, seven total. - Three plus four. - That's all, that's all you needed. Um, you run up to this hound, uh, and I mean, like you're the best thing since slice bread, you turn this hound at this slice bread. Fals apart. It's like, it's like, yeah, it stays still where it is. And it's like, so smooth. You can even take some if you wanted to cook something with it later. Can I take a little bit of that? Can I grab something? Just put it in my pocket. Yep. You're done in the pocket. Francis, you're up. Last town's waking up. What do you do to make sure this thing doesn't bark and we're handling putting it to sleep forever. Forever. Forever. What do you see? What are you doing to this poor dog? I'm going to take control of its mind with the serious meditation. And I'm going to lower its heart rate to a point where it'll never recover. Okay. No, I'm going to die, but it'll just be sleeping. How are you with that? What's my animal handling? You're okay. So you're handling it to death. No, I just said it won't die. It'll just be in a permanent state of slumber. So you you want to practice, but you have a kill in animal. I wouldn't know except for the fish. Okay. Okay, describe as you approach this animal, what it looks like and then roll animal handling. That's a big black beast. Big, big sort of golden brown muddy piece looks almost like the crust. Right, right. It's big. It's golden brown. It looks like a wonder bread loaf, but with a big or the media head with a big teeth. Yeah. Class coming out. They look like chocolate chip cookies with fangs. It's brutal. And so I had to take control. And here we go. Hey, I'm Mike Baronholz. On my new show, funny, you ask trivia starts the conversation and then things immediately go off the race. I ask a question. My guests think they know the answer. Sometimes they do more often, they do not. And then the conversation takes a turn. One trivia question turns into stories about career highs, painful bombs and behind the scenes moments that probably should have remained private. You'll hear confidence, misplace confidence. Bull guesses, wrong answers, quick laughs, and the slow realization that maybe this was a bad idea to say out loud. If you like smart comedy, sharp conversations and trivia that exists purely to melt people's brains. This is funny, you ask with me, Ike Baronholz. Follow funny, you ask with Ike Baronholz on Spotify, Apple podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. What if your favorite podcast felt like calling your funniest, most honest friend with the nicest ass, the one who tells you the truth and makes you snort laugh and pee a little. That's idiot. That's my show. I'm Laura Clary and I've been oversharing with the internet for over a decade. And I'm really good at it. Every episode, we dig into the real stuff. We cover everything nobody wants to admit out loud. The moments that are equal parts humiliating and also kind of funny, parenting fails, relationship fails, mental health fails, sobriety fail. Just kidding. We're not failing. I have zero filter and it's kind of a problem. Subscribe to idiot for free on Apple podcasts, Spotify or wherever you're listening right now. I'll see you there. Are you a lifelong learner with a never ending hunger for trivia? Well, you might like our podcast, The Quizzards Pit. Hi, I'm Shane Mede. And I'm Matt Riyow. Oh, and we love learning and we love cracking wise and having a laugh. But what we have to tell you is very serious. Every single week we get sucked into a dungeon by an evil space wizard named The Quizzard. And we can't leave until we each give three of the most interesting and obscure facts we can find on whatever topic he asks. Sure, we get abducted against our will ripped away from our families and lives as we know them, but we have a good time. And we get to learn and we get to teach. And once we give the Quizzard enough facts, he sends us home. Big whoop. If that sounds fun to you, why wouldn't it? Then why don't I get sucked up with us into The Quizzards Pit every single Monday? That's Quizzards Pit. Q-U-I-Z-A-R-D-S-P-I-T. You're gonna like the way you learn. I guarantee it. Matt, that's really good. Anyway, the Quizzards Pit, wherever you get. Your podcast. Uh, what dice is it? Uh, D20 plus your animal handling animal handling is a plus five. Here comes the D20. Okay. 17. Holy shit. Yeah, I got something going on with a 22 Francis describe exactly how you achieve what you just said because you do. I immediately crisscross applesauce under the ground in the field of wheat. I enter a state of meditation. I pour out all the booze that I have with me. And uh, in this meditative state, I take control of its mind and I lower a tart right down to single digits. What's shit? It's a deep, deep hibernation that most animals never recover from. And with this, we can slip right by. It's about as good as killing it. You basically. No, no, but I keep my, I keep my peace with God. I do. Let's keep my peace with God. Keep my peace with God. Like, like me, Mayo, I sliced it into 70 pieces. One kick would have done well, but, you know, it's still alive. No, yours is still alive. If you want to try again, but if you do fail, it will bark again. Are you going to lose hands? Will time kick again? No. Oh, you're losing confidence with that. That's interesting. Moving away from the hounds. As you know, this thing will continue to chase you unless you break line of sight. You guys continue down the path. You've made some sound, but otherwise that how it appears to be sleeping for an indefinite amount of time, sleeping. That one appears to be now 70, little slice towns. Yes. And you continue to move until you hear what sounds like water. Wait, what happened to the last town? They were all chained to posts. So it continues. It continues to bark as you go as you guys walk away. That you don't, it doesn't chase after you. Yeah, but it appears unfortunately a well placed kick was not enough to take out this particular hand. That's okay. Isn't that interesting? It seems you're not pulling your weight there, Mayo. Whoa. Oh. You all right. Yes, Mayo comes out. As you guys reach the next obstacle, you see what sounds like rushing water is actually a a 20 foot across river of flowing Angel's hair Spaghetti. - Whoa! - Not a bridge inside, it appears the path to vanishes under this raging rapid. What do you guys do? - Can I, can I see, can I try to ascertain how deep the, the Angel hair is? - Don't you worry about the water. I gotta spell for this. I hit it with my ray of frost. The freesist thing right up, go right over. - Oh, okay. - Interesting. - It's just like being in the Arctic, there? - Cold. - Oh, cold. - All right, we'll do it. - Nice. - There it goes. - Which I'm gonna, I'm gonna say you obviously still get to do this, as you dip your hand in, it does appear that under the spaghetti, or at least under about six inches of it to a foot, there is eventually what feels like liquid. So maybe there is a real river running under this. - Oh, okay. - After you ascertain that, you cast ray of frost. I'm gonna say you don't even have to roll. Here's how it's gonna go. You cast ray of frost. You see as the spaghetti, like it has not been cooked yet, almost, hardens to create a patch, but it still continues to flow. So you can create those small patches, but it looks like it's still moving. You'll need to be very coordinated to try and work your way across, but this is a method that can absolutely work. - I think, if I get a running start, no kicks involved, I can use my condiment arms and squirt a little bit, generates some force, which will send me all the way. - To the other side of the room. - I do idea of mayo squirting. - I do it a lot. - I run towards the ice. - Yes. - As well timed as I know, I put my arms down and I, I begin to lift. - Let's grab on. - Let's grab on. - Are we grab on it? - Oh, do you wanna grab on? - Absolutely. - It's gonna be harder to grab on. - That will be one. A little more difficult. (laughing) - Let's just, yeah. - You are a fish, so I will take you. - Oh, fuck yeah. - All right, fuck you guys, good. - Okay, bye-bye, bunch of balls. - Here we go, mayo. - Like you're back at the trenches. You blast off at mustard and catch up in either hand. Go ahead, and I'm gonna say this is a spell casting check. Your spell casting ability as a sorcerer is charisma. Go ahead and roll me a charisma check. - Hold, I need, I'm like, I need to see how the other one. See how powerfully you can blast off here. See how far you can get across the river. - That's a five. - Oh. - Plus? - Bunch of boi and sorry. - A nine. - That's a nine. - That's a single digit. - Mayo. - We fall in a river. - Mayo. - Your condiments in here seem more powerful. They seem like a steady stream. But unfortunately, that first burst is all. - Oh, it's the juice. - Oh, oh, oh, oh. - It's the juice. - You cleanse your system, but it gets your angle off slightly. - Oh. - You guys see as you make it 10 feet across this 20 foot river before you start to fall. Francis, you have one opportunity here to try and either to try and salvage this somehow. Otherwise, you guys are both going in this spaghetti river together. - Well, Mayo, I think we're going to fall. Well, don't worry. I am a fish. I think I swam us through this. - Okay. - And I sure am. - Okay. - We're going to dunk it in the river. - You could also try. You could also try, stop to save yourself from falling in the river in the earthly. - You fucking idiot. - You fucking idiot. - It's okay, say hello, doesn't mind getting wet. - Very good. - I have some moments. - But as you yell out this instruction to them, you hear as these footsteps become even closer. - Yeah, fuck. - And you see as the wheat in the distance starts to move. - Great. Well, what I do is I, can I almost, I'll get to you in a sec. With a splash, you guys crash into the water of the river and as soon as you do, I need you to both make acrobatics checks. It's a skill. - Acrobatics, okay, how, what D is this? - D20. Go ahead and roll it, add your acrobatics. As the river starts to wash you away and you try to regain your bearing quickly. - Hold on, hold on, I've got it. Hold on, I've got it. - That's an add 20. - Add 20, man. - Holy shit. Look at the Irish. Unless you roll a one, you're okay. - 11 or 14. - I got a plus three on that too. So I got a 23. - My eyes aren't good. - You got a, Francis, you're on fucking fire. - I had to look at the Irish. - Francis, how describe what it looks like as you take both you and Mayo to safety. - As soon as I do that, my coat comes off. It comes off in the river. - Oh. - Yeah, 'cause it's getting a little steamy. Hold on. - Butch from your perspective, they go into the river and you say only Francis's coat. - And rise to the top. - It rises out. - Can I react real quick? - Oh. - Shh. - Uh huh. - Shut up. - No, it's gentle, it's uh huh. - My fish form becomes more pronounced than it ever has been. - Whoa. - He holds on and he swims to shore where I enter back to my half fish, half human nature. - Well, I could have done it myself because of the old 16, I rolled a 16. - Oh, that's good, good for you. - Yes. - Amazing. - Amazing. - On the way there, now that your condiments are clear, you are, you are relishing the moment in your spurs. - Oh yeah, you're good, you're feeling good. Butch, you're still on the other side of the river. What would you like to do? - Well, that ice is still going across the river, right? - That ice is past, but if Francis was-- - It's past. - The river is rushing. So he froze a chunk of this spaghetti and it kept moving basically. - Oh. - But he could do that again for you. - I could freeze it again for you. - Freeze some of that ice for me, right quick. - Oh, I couldn't cut a deal though. - Freeze it so it goes from shore to shore. Maybe there's a little bit of tension there that keeps it there. - I'll do it, but I want the best cut of steak you got in your pocket. 'Cause I know you got some hound steak. - How about I'll just help you out later if you help me out now? - No, I want you to want to know your soggy steaks. - You want it because it's soggy? - Yeah, I do. - All right, that's a deal. - Put it across the river. - Put it there. - I can't reach you. - Oh, you're right. - That's a river. (laughing) - That was a river. - Okay, okay, I'll give you a little icy. - Now come across. - Nice, Francis, this blast of cold energy shoots out of your hand and you see as you are able to create a winding, albeit still slightly treacherous, much firmer path than before across. But you're gonna try and take this path? - Oh yeah, I am, but I'm doing it this way. I'm pushing, I'm putting these on the bottom of my shoes. - Oh, I'm turning them into ice gates. - I like the cut of your jib to sound. - Actually, such a good idea. I'm not even gonna make you roll. - So I go like, this is, imagine these are my shoes. - Yeah. - And I go, and I go. - Oh. - Which way? - Which way? - Do you like pure wetter poppin' tricks on the way over? - Can I roll? - Can I roll? - Can I roll? - Do I look like a trick? - Like a trickle spin. - Give me an athletics check. - You don't know what that's called. - And that's 20. - D20 plus your athletics. - You wanna do a 1080. - That's a trickle spin. - That's a 15. - Hey you, you're learning. - 15. - Plus six. - 21. - 21. - You can do any trick you want. - All right. - Just ride it. - Uber trick. (laughing) - There's a bit of something here. - You're like, you got that Uber trick? - I'm like, you got that Uber trick. - Friends, this is like that. - Hey, I'll watch this. This is like a hype man in the group. So I've been, I've been, I've been skating. I've been skating and then I wind up and I do, I do a fucking quadruple axle. - Holy shit. - And then I land it and it's like this. And then I'm like, like with my leg up behind me and then I slide all the way to the other side of the shore and I said, miss me boys. - And we hear an applause in the distance. - Yeah, the beast starts going that way instead. Okay. You guys have cleared this spaghetti river, but this thing has your scent. You can hear it moving in these distant, actually not so distant anymore fields. Getting closer, you can hear the crunching of wheat. But you're almost out of here. - I got this. - You guys are almost to the cylinder. You can see it in the distance, but right before you reach there, there's a rickety, rickety wooden stand on the side of this path. And you can see there's a sign above it. Again, in that wood spray painted on, it says bake sale in red. - Bake sale. - And just on the table. - Bake sale. - There is a tray of what appears to be cookies. Six cookies. What do you do? - Well, I think we should each get two. I think we should each get two. - I don't need. - Oh, next three, that's three each. Hey, I guess. Nice. - Can I look around the stand and see if there's anyone around? - Yeah, go ahead and give me an investigation check. - That easy, but that's 20, right? - 20? - And I got a 13. - Very good. - Go ahead and read your investigation. What a plus what? - Investigation plus two. - Very good, so 15 total. - That's a 15. - Okay, investigating around this stand, there appears not to be any person, but you think as you're looking around, it is very odd that this stand is so derelict and decrepit for how fresh and enticing these cookies look. - Right, yeah, there seems to be a bit of a dichotomy going on, boys. They like, fine, to be a little bit suspicious. Mayo! - Yeah. - Perhaps he, what are you doing? - He's coming soon by technology. Perhaps you search around with your robot eyes and see if, you know, these cookies are fresh. But the stand is, don't worry about it, is derelict. What do you want me to do? I just think that there's a, there's kind of like, I don't know what's, what's going on here. Cookie fresh, but jack, forget about barbecue. Cookie fresh, jack, not good. Cookies, cookies look good though. - Cookies look good. - They look good. - Mmm. - Those are some good looking cookies. - Meo. - And you know what? - With a 15 as well, I'll tell you, 'cause you have some experience in baking, you went to culinary school. You can tell these are Snickerdoodles. - Whoa, those are Snickerdoodles. - I don't know what you want me to do. - I'm just saying, man, it seems a lot more interesting. - You look around, not even gonna make you check, still same situation, wheat field, stand, cookies. - If you want it so badly, eat the cookie. - I think that he should eat the cookie. - Me? - Yeah, you like it. - Eat the cookie. - Ah, good. Give me an attack of all six. - You're gonna eat all, okay. - Yeah, I love a good cookie. - Do you eat a cookie? - Yeah, eat all six. - Okay. - There's no cookies on the sea. - At once? - Well, I mean, one after the other, okay. Go ahead and make, go ahead and make me six wisdom saving throws. - Oh my God. (laughing) - What, so go into your saving throws? - Go into your saving throws. - I'm at it. - Six wisdom saving throws. - Which I think actually you are very good at. - Wisdom, I don't see on plus three. - Plus three, right? - Plus five. - Saving throws plus five. - Nice, you got a plus five. - Okay. - You got to roll that six times. - What should be is it? - D20. - Okay, I'm making how many rolls? Six? - Six. - Natural 20. - Holy shit, okay. First one, first one. - So as a 25. - Fucking easy, Francis. One bite, you feel yourself, you feel like you would be healed up if you had been hurt. - I feel like I heard an elastic. - You feeling great, you feel like that would have healed you. - I'm a cookie. - Wow, I'm surprised it wasn't, it wasn't, you know, poisonous or something. - Oh, it was delicious. - Oh, another one. - Have another. - Five. - 10. - 10 total. - 10 total. - 10 total is not enough. You see as you bite into this second cookie, swallow it down, Francis, you suddenly feel like this cookie is the funniest thing you've ever eaten in. (laughing) - Oh! - And you, you start laughing. - Oh, it's good. - It's funnier than that. - What's funny about it? - The cookie is chocolate in it. Oh wait, no, it's a snickerdoodle. - There's a cinnamon, maybe. (laughing) - Francis, you start laughing loud. (laughing) - Francis. - Francis, you start laughing uncontrollably. - I need to. - You've got to help me. - Francis, I need to calm down. - I need to calm down. - Francis, I'm casting calm thoughts. - I feel calm. - I feel calm. - Shit. - I don't know, that ain't a good challenge. - When Francis first erupts into laughter, you hear in the distance. - Who tried my cookies? - Oh my God. - You ate all, he's got still four more wisdom chicks to do. - No, I don't know. - I want to eat that other four. - You realized what they did at this point. - You're also laughing too hard to eat anymore cookies. You're on the ground wretching, Mayo, what you trying to do? - I cast coma motions on him. - Okay, nice. Is that a save or anything? - But calm down. This is a spell. - Is there a save with the spell or does it just work? - Attack slash save charisma 14. - Okay, nice. Go ahead and make me a, I'm gonna say for the purposes of this, go ahead and make me a charisma saving throw to see if this works on you. - Charisma, ooh. - Minus one. - You want to fail here. - Oh, yeah, all right. - No problem. - 17. - 17 total. - 16 total. - 16 total. - Unfortunately, Francis is laughing too hard. - It's out of a bitch's reach. - I get it. - He just thinks the deal he struck with Davie Jones to sell off his $1,000 to funny. - Oh, it's just screwing me. The fish never got any bigger. - Francis, as you continue to laugh, go ahead and make me one last wisdom saving throw here. This is to make or break this. If you fail this, this thing will find you and I'm gonna let you roll this in a special little box. - That I get a box? - All right, I love a good box. I love a good box. The lunch box of doom. - Uh oh. - Go ahead, roll that right in there. - What is it, don't tell me. - It was a 19. - Oh, sorry, I didn't fail. - You didn't fail. You're haunting sailors past rushes back to you. You're training on the seas. - Oh, Charlotte! - And you managed to calm yourself right as this thing is closing in. You see as the wheat is moving closer and closer, it's now or never. You guys need to make it to the cylinder. I use gust. - Mell, what do we do? - Hell yeah, yeah. You cast gusts and in a blast of wind, you guys feel the wind at your backs as you run closer to the cylinder. You see as it opens up and there's a figure in the path behind you, his footfall. (blows kiss) Getting closer. - Come back here, little pinkies. (laughing) - You run into the cylinder. You see as it just closes on what looks like this abomination with this ginger hair. You never quite got to see. - It's a giant ginger! - He's an Irish lad just like me. (laughing) - Brother! (laughing) - Not today, son, not today. And you guys feel whoop as you are sucked up almost this tube. From inside, it appears to be translucent and you can see these fields below you growing further and further away. As you are sucked up and spit out into a glassy black room with two tubes in front of you. Looks like there's two options in which to go. - A glassy black room with two tubes. There's nothing in this room other than that. - Nothing in this room. It looks like it's the same material that the pyramid was on the outside. It appears to be almost as if it's like a space between these layers. You can also tell what's up. - So we can, they're within walking distance. - Two tubes, pretty much right next to you. - With entrances. - Yeah, same as that one you just went into where it appears the door slides open and slides shut when you get close. - I've got something for this. - Yeah. - Oh. - Delightful. - I am going to cast my. Where the fuck is it? - You know, for a robot he's a little slow with that thing. (laughing) - I'm gonna cast creeping touch. Creeping touch. - This is very clever actually. - I'm a few said at the table. - Hey, listen, listen. It doesn't, it's not rapy at all like that was. Creeping touch. Here's what I do. I detach my hand at the wrist. - Whoa. - Oh. - Oh. - Oh. - Oh. - Oh. - Whoa. - And my hand turns into a spider. - Whoa. - Get in on it. - Oh, you do it. - Oh, you do it. - Hey. - This spider I can control. - I reckon I send him up one of the tubes. - Oh. - And we see what happens. - Oh. - Smart. - Smart. - I can see what he sees except right now. I get my eyes are like entirely white. 'Cause I'm in the spider. (laughing) - Okay. - All right. That's terrifying. What do I have to do? - That's terrifying. - Oh. - My hand looks like I've been in a public pool for two hours. - So prune, yep. - So prune, you've been elbow deep in the sauces without even knowing it. Do you want to send the spider left or right to? - I'll send him left. - Yeah. - Yes. - Yes. - Do I think buzz it? (laughing) - Spider goes off to the left tube. - Whoa. - And it sucks up the tube. Your eyes are in the spider. You see as this glossy black cylinder, you are traversing down and fush. It spits you out into. - Cool. - Spits you out into what looks like a lush orchard with apples growing on the trees. Another cylinder tube in the distance. - Oh no, we're gonna be getting scurvy today. - And you can see as well as an orchard, it also appears that there's a citer mill nearby. - Citer mill. - And past that, a vineyard. - It's a vineyard? - So many wines. (laughing) - Yeah, that's like everything. (laughing) - Well, right through the ocean. - The left tube seems pretty good. The left tube seems pretty good. - Is it good? - Yep. - Yep. - I'm seeing a vineyard in three of you. - A vineyard in the spider mill. - One. - Oh, what a commodity. - A beautiful vineyard, really. - Yes. - Well, I mean, it sounds like that's the direction that we should go. - Well, maybe we should check the one on the right. - We should check the one on the right. - We should do that. - If the spider does not see a way back through the tube, so that's your only obstacle here. - Oh, okay. Oh, so I'm still in spider. - Let's see. - It's still my toe out. - Now, here's a question I have for Francis. Oh, we used one spider. Maybe we could look around and see in this room if there's any spiders on the right. the ground that he could he could control and the other two. - Okay, interesting. This is like a glossy black like fucking alien plane. I'm gonna say you can make a investigation check with a very high DC. I'm gonna say you're gonna need like a 20 to find something here. - Is that me? - Yeah. - Whoever's looking for the spider, if you guys are both looking for the luckin' for everybody, it's gonna use me. I think Francis, if you do wanna help him look for the spider. - What's here? - What's here? - No, 'cause I think it's bullshit. I don't think there's a spider in here. - Okay, all right, clean and just do roll, yeah. That is a what? - That's high. - That's high? - That's an 18 plus two. - Oh! - Oh! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Wow, the luck of Irish. - Butch, when you threw on the apron this morning, it had been collecting dust for a couple days, dude. - And you know what else it had been collecting? - Spudders, spiders, spudders. - There's a little piter that crawls on out that you notice as you lean down. You have a spider. - Let him down on the floor and I'll do the rest. - All right, there you go, Francis, you weird fish boy. - I enter my meditation state. - Do you have to meditate every time you do this? - Yeah. - Oh, sorry. - Chris Cross, Apple Sauce. - Okay. - On the floor. Eyes closed, I pour a shot out of my bottle. - Okay. - All right, take control of the spider. We send him up the right hand tube. - You send him up the right hand tube. Now, are you casting a spell on the spider? What are you doing? - Animal handling. - So animal handling is like if you were offering putting to a dog, and you wanted it to be calm or like if you were trying to calm down an animal or get an animal to be nice to you or aggravate an animal. - Can you possess? - I would say taking control of a spider would be a magic fucking spell. - Is there anything he can do? - What are you doing in the spell for this? Do you have any animal friendship spell or anything? - It says animal handling says allows you to calm or train an animal or get an animal to behave in a certain way. - Okay, so I will say if you spend some time you can train this spider to go up the tube if you roll well. - You got to spend some time to train this. - You can't see what he said. - I mean, you can do it. - You just won't see what the spider says. - If that deep 20 moment, it was just the fact that I could find a spider. - It was. - The spider, I know we can do nothing in the spider. - I mean, I thought you had a spell. - Maybe if we get another high roll, we get a little something. - What does that mean? - Tucker, you have to have a reason that what you're doing would work, right? - Well, we've had a lot of spiders on the ships over the years. - I mean, we had this one. - And you try to get more spiders? - No, I'm telling you the history. - Are you trying to train, like you're trying to brainwash a spider to go up a tube and like how are you going to do it somehow? - I come down to telling you that I have a history with the spider. - Okay, and that's fine. - You know, we would ship a rum from Cuba to Iceland. And the spiders were in Cuba, you know, they were many. And by the time we got to Iceland, there were more spiders and sailors. - That's terrifying. - It's terrifying, but I got to know them quite well. You know, I'd feed them, I'd take flies, I'd put them in the webs. - Friends, how are you going to get the spider to do what we're trying to do? - Well, I thought I just would have a bond with it and I would get in a tent. - Maybe I'll tell mine to keep going. - Man, that one can't get back. - Well, we can go through that way. - So male, male happens to see what he's seeing. - Man, what happens if you can't get your arm back? - If the spider is killed or prevented from returning to me, your hand is restored, but you take one D6 points of psychic damage. If you command the spider to return, it crawls back to your wrist and the spell ends. - Yeah. - I, you know, my confidence with the spiders is dwindling quick. I think we, I think we said-- - I just wanted you to try to do something with the spider that I spent all this energy to get for you. - Just try something, dude. - I'm trying. I feel like I'm getting off of that. - But just give me a lot of backstory about the fact about your experience with spiders. - Oh, I don't know how to have my spider keep moving. - Yeah. - I'm gonna have them keep moving on the left 'cause it seems-- - You have your spider keep moving? - Pretty good. - Okay. - You have your spider continue to move on the left. Dude, so far, so good. Can you smell through the spider? - No. - No. - But I can hear. - You can hear through the spider? - What does it sound like? - It sounds, you hear the delightful chirping of birds. You hear distant rivers. You hear a soft, welcoming breeze. It actually seems pretty nice. Again, rows of these orchards that are, sorry, rows of these apple trees that vineyard in the distance. If you just keep moving forward through this field, past everything, nothing's happening. You're just moving to the tube. - Guys, I think we should go to the left. - Let's fucking do it. I start, first of all, I'm like, fuck this. I stop on the spider, and then I say, fuck this, and I'm just running towards the tube, and I dive in like this, and I go through. - Yeah, can you roll it? - Yeah, can you roll the stout the spider? - Huh? - Roll to attack the spider. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, of course. - Yeah, we got options. - Two. - It gets away. - This is horrible. (laughing) - You run to the tube. I assume you're all following, right? - I miss. - Yes. - Amazing. - So should I just be like this? I'll be like, fuck. - Yeah, just be like this. - And then out of the bed, so I just start spreeching. - Yeah. - Start something and dive through. - Fucking phenomenal. You guys go through the tube. You feel it suck you up one more time, and you are dumped out the same place that your hand was at these rows of orchards, are rows of apple trees leading to that distant tube. What do you do? - It's so nice in here. - Boy, so I think I'm gonna have a few apples, you know, if I don't have any fruit, I start to get scurvy and we all know how that goes. - Okay. - So I do not fruit, get your fruit while you can. - Yeah, so these are apple orchards everywhere? - Apple trees everywhere. - Yeah, it's an apple. - Looking good? - Can I just. - Hey. - Yeah, you cut off one of the apples from this beautiful looking environment. And as soon as you do, as soon as you touch the apple, there's a rumbling. And you see us in your hands as you. - You get a little bad ideas, aren't you? - As you bring it to your mouth. - I don't know if you want scurvy. - It starts to age and ferment. And the juice from this apple starts to seep out. - Why? - And you see as this affects spreads, it's happening to all of these fruit away. - Yeah, you toss it away. You go, oh, hits the ground, kind of starts molding. I mean, ew. - This fermented liquid starts to all drip down from these apples. And you even see from the vineyard, the grapes fermenting and falling. And even from that distant building, liquid seeping out of it as it all starts to come together, working its way through the dirt and grass in front of you. And as it starts to take shape and in front of you becoming this large viscous golden glob with a face is the cider elemental. This elemental of pure alcohol forms in front of you with an angered expression and says, "What are you dudes doing in my orchard?" - Go ahead and roll initiative. - Oh. - It's at a 20. - D20. - D20 plus your initiative modifier. - Oh. - That is good. - And it looks good. - 14, a 14, a 15 and a two. So I got, I got, who's got what? - Okay, I roll 18. - And it's got a 18. - And it's got a 18. - Plus one. So you got three. - Francis has three. I'm not looking to initiate anything. You want that. You want to be able to initiate the fight. - Okay. - Let me rearrange these here. Hang on. - Or that's why I got YouTube chips. - Oh yeah. - This guy's got, I tried, I got the crew. - What the hell is that thing? It's a giant, well, it's a freaky little cider boy. And he's got a weird, he's a lot more intimidating than he sounds. - I'm a cider man, dude. And I'm gonna jump down your throat. - That's terrifying actually. - First up is Mayo. - All right. - Mayo, show him what you're made of. - What are you gonna have to fight this guy? - I'm gonna cast Ray of Sickness. (screams) - We're like Ray of Sickness. - Ray of Sickness. - Yes. - I feel violently, but it smells so good. - What is the Ray of Sickness do? Is it an attacker or is it a say? How does it work? - It's a cast, attack, save, CON 14. - Okay, so he has to make a constitution save. - Okay. - He's made of alcohol, he's pretty good at this. We'll see how it goes. - He rolled a fucking five. (laughs) - Oh, what does it do to him? - The target takes 2D8 poison damage. - Which finally just made its way here. - On a failed save, it is also poisoned until the end of your next turn. - It's working. - Yeah. - 2D8, that's this. I have really bad news what the one Thing that this alcohol monsters resisted to is in fact poison. What the fuck dude? It's it is poison alcohol's poison. No one here's not what you fight fire with fire There's a fire but up. There's a good idea Weirdly enough you're getting me fucked up You got him drunk. That's fucked up because I have a fire boy. Yeah, well, that I specifically now you know Now you know, okay, you still roll the damage. It's just gonna do half Seven seven damage. Okay, he's gonna take only three damage seven. Oh two sevens. Yeah, two d8 Oh, that's really really good. Okay, he takes seven damage total then I'm so sorry. Wow nice. I'm so sorry. Oh Was that some of your poison? Well, let me show you some of mine. Oh starts to swell up Who would have wanted who would have probably started combat closer to him. Do you think well? I was the one who picked the I Pick the apple pick the apple from the tree. You did you did pick the apple. I got no beef with this I mean, I picked the apple from the tree pick the apple. Okay. I'm gonna say in that case because you cast the right Signus he's gonna be able to hit you to butch and mayo shit nerds with this Alcohol sort of blast that he sends out of his body go ahead both of you guys Make a constitution saving throw That's a three. Okay, that's a three plus that's a five 18. Okay, Shlott you pass you don't have to drink No I guess you can anyway Butch is a good boy right unfortunately He remains true on his promise and you feel as Down your entire throat. It is as it is opened up by a tendril of this citer elemental this thing goes flying down Go ahead a big no right out of the bottle right out of the bottle big go. Where are you going my boy? Just like Papa town Fuck Oh Yeah, I think twice before touching my apples next time, dude There you go And you are gonna take oh Fuck man That's an 11 Jesus you're gonna take 14 poison damage. Okay wait two Yo, you're only gonna take seven poison damage cuz you succeeded to save nine 10 11 12 13 What's your health that 27 out of 41 Yeah, um, okay, I'm my turn now it is Butch you're up. What do you do? Meat rage Okay, it's a I can start I can start a it's my ability. It's my meat rage. Yeah. I'm now in meat rage I'm so sorry. What does heroic inspiration do for me? By the way heroic inspiration just means if you roll a die And I tell you fail or you don't like the outcome you can reroll it and use that inspiration. That was I do I choose Could I choose the best out of those or is it or is it I can try to reroll and I have to commit to the reroll? I would say I would best out of the Okay, yeah Meat rage and I mean meat rage mode. Oh, okay, so in meat rage That's my bonus section. Yeah, you have advantage on strength checks and strength saves This is actually helpful that I played ball this gate. Uh-huh You get a plus two bonus to your damage. You have resistance to bludgeoning piercing and Slashing and you can't cast spells anymore. I can't pass I mostly hit things with my hand. There you go. What do you do from there? Well, I would love to do it. Hit me solve everything with violence Yes, now you do you lose man you socially lose if you hit me Well, you know how far away is he? He's like right next to you. He's right next to me. Yeah, yeah, you pick the apple He's like five feet away from you. I'm gonna I'm gonna go on. Oh nice. Okay Go ahead and roll to attack see if you can change him from 40 to 20 proof plus six nice So 17 hit absolutely hits as you cleave through him go ahead and roll your damage my damage is the That is an eight. This is a six one D six plus four So sticks. Oh Plus you added four already. Yeah, you get to add another two because of your rage. So eight eight. Yes It's not a damage. All right. What does it look like as you cleave this creature in half? It it looks like it looks like I go like this and I go And and his and I can see the bubbles that that fulfill He's he's he's cider and these bubbles, but the bubbles I Notice seem to be where his soul lies and my in my blades Through the bubbles of his soul putting damage on to him dude Fuck that attack would have done nothing if you didn't find my soul bubble Shit, you see a like a glowing red core within him that's slightly cracked now. Oh my most vulnerable spot Merrill Francis that red core. It seems like his weak spot. Don't listen to this guy He's a liar and you shouldn't trust him. Have a drink instead trust me Up next is finally you Frances. I appreciate that more than you know we're giving out longer to be to pull that up that episode It's who if I can't stop you from going home I'm gonna at least keep you from driving there Francis you're up next. Well, he's made of alcohol and I do love that stuff as a as does any good say all right So I'm gonna use charm, and I think we're gonna hit the tavern tonight I think we're gonna break some bread. Oh shit. Do you have like a you're like what are you gonna do like a fellow charm person? Oh, you have charm person. I do Okay, all right Read me out what that does one Humanoid you can see within range make some wisdom saving throw. Yeah, he's dude coded It does so with advantage if if you or your allies are fighting it. Okay It's two throws right Yeah, he's gonna make two. He's gonna take the better one. He's not super wise because he is made of alcohol Here we go Okay, first roll is a five second roll Is a 13 no do either of those pass coming out here Attacks slash save is wisdom 13 So he's so he saved unfortunately with the 13 he's he's able to overcome your charm your charms, dude You're not that charming. I mean you're not that charming. You're not that charming, dude, and I don't like wagoo Hey, tell you what you do you have a bit of a glit in your eye though if you help me kill the you're two friends We can totally go off for drinks after this. Oh watch it for me Drinks do unlimited drinks, and you can stay here forever I'm gonna drink unlimited drinks. Well lucky for you two boys, you know, I always keep some on me So I'm not in need. Where's it coming? Is there like a just come down? I'm gonna absorb that I'm gonna ruin it for you forever. So we got to fuck this guy up. All right. Is that the that is Francis's turn? Unfortunately charm person doesn't work up next is top of the round Mayo Fireball I don't think in this context anyone has a Drunk I'm glad that that spider isn't in here if you have an a terrible devil. I hurl a moat of fire at a creature object With a range make a range spell attack against the target nice on a hit the target takes one detain fire damage Able object hit by a spell ignites if it isn't being worn a carried The spells damage increases. Oh, no, he's okay roll for attack go ahead and roll to attack. Yeah, add your plus to hit with that D20 What do you got 20 20's absolutely gonna hit as you fire off this boat of flame towards him Describe what it looks like as it pops into him go ahead and roll your damage House flammable. Okay, do you can is that this yeah? Yeah, I think It's so small from here. I launch I launched my fire bolt and it is on fire and it hits him Three Three damage do you add anything? Well, it says plus six next to the firebolt. That's just for that's for the that's just for attack But he is vulnerable to fire. So as you hit them with his he goes. Oh No, dude, I'm getting Do it Go ahead and roll the damage again. We're gonna add them both together. Okay, so double damage Six nice total of nine damage. He is not looking good. You see as the alcohol starts to evaporate off of him He's not looking good. He's nice not looking good. Up next is the cider elemental. He turns to you mayo. You dude. I want you. What do I do to you? I want you. I want you to turn into this title wave that rushes towards you this flaming fucking title wave that sweeps over you as he rolls to a tap here. I watch out. Okay. First roll to hit is a. Oh my gosh. 19 to hit. So I rolled 20. What's your AC? AC armor class. Yes. Armor class. 14. 14. So that's absolutely going to hit you. He crashes into you. Okay. This flaming alcoholic wave. Go ahead and take a drink and take you don't have to tell me how you got it. I'm not done. He turns to you, Francis. Francis. Dude, you seem kind of shy, dude. Everyone's looking at you. You know what would help? Dives towards your throat. This thing is fucking horrific. That is going to be an 18 to hit. What is your AC, Francis? 11 hits. Okay. It hits. Francis, you are going to take a drink and you are going to take Jesus 10 poison damage. He's not fucking around, dude. He's not fucking around. Francis, he sends a good amount of alcohol down your gullet and even into those gills. Some gills you didn't even know you had. All right, go for it. Here it comes. There you go. Don't you feel much better? All right. This guy's okay. I will say this guy's actually chill as fuck dude. Oh fuck. That was the hell of a poor me boy. Dude, what the fuck? That's awesome. Up next is you, but you see him do this, turn into a tidal wave, pass through these two. Come on the other side, but you've got a shot on him. What do you do? What do you do? You better for me. I just want to fuck up. So I have two of these, yeah? In my character. Can I use them both in one go? Or like, how does that work? Or do I just like switch them off every time I have it? Yes, you can. I'm on the second roll. You're not going to add. When you attack with your offhand, you're not going to add your strength to the bonus damage. Like you're not going to add your strength to the damage, but you are going to add that plus two range. So go ahead, roll one attack first. Okay. Yes. And also, how long does my rage last? You're shilling right now. At the end of this combat, it'll be over. I think it lasts a minute. Here we go. Yeah. Rolling for attack. That's a 15. 15 is going to hit. Go ahead and roll your second attack too. Here we go. 11. Good. And then they're both. Those are both plus six. Both of them hit. Yes. So nice. You can even do them with two of these slashes. I go like this. I go like this. I go like, yeah, I come up and I'm like, I'm like running at them, like a crazy guy because I because I have more trauma since the last dungeon. And I go, you're scaring me. This is freaking me out, bro. What the fuck? You chopping them. Go ahead, roll your first damage. So that's going to be your damaged eye plus your strength plus the plus two for barbarian. Three plus four. Yes. Plus two. Nice. So the first one does eight nine, right? Nine. Nine. Nice. Go ahead and roll it again and add two this time. Just two. So it's six. So six is four. And then plus two is six. Butch. How do you want to do this? Oh, oh, yeah. Okay. Shit. He had 11 HP with the second attack that is just enough. So as I'm as I'm slicing, and I'm going, what they don't know is that I am such an experienced chef that I am, I'm such good, so good at cutting that every single little carbonated bubble in the cider is getting sliced. And as I am slicing through him, the little cider man can feel his life force getting away. He tries to move his body to avoid my slices, but no, all the bubbles. He's cutting through my very mold. As the pieces of cider are flying out, Mayo is on the ground, grabbing with his fingers and trying as much as he can. And just as I'm doing it, I believe I see it in the corner of my head, that Francis begins to do it as well as the looks fine. It's fine. It's fine. You'll never reach the top. I said, "Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill." And then I go like this and I say, "Hastel Elise, that baby." And I go, "Shing." And then like a water suspended on a string in the air trapped in time, all of a sudden time starts moving again, and the water falls to the ground. Wow. And you have bested the element. My bio cock is hard again. And then I go like this and I go, "I go like this, boys." And I go, "Oh my god, I just push as Jeff, my boy." As you do that, something catches your eye in the remains of the elemental, as it's sinking into the earth, the liquid dissipating. You notice there's a scrap of what looks like an apron. Oh, what is that? A chef's apron. Can I roll a perception, Jake, or whatever. Go and roll investigation. Investigation. Or survival up to you. Investigation. Seven plus, seven plus two is a nine. With a nine, it feels familiar, but you're not able to discern now. Boys, I smell a mystery. And that's all I can smell. Up ahead of you, the path seems pretty clear through these trees to the tube, but there does appear to be something between you and the tube lying on the ground. From here, it just looks like a sort of heap. A sort of what? A heap, like a heap of clothes. A heap. A heap. Look a heap. Hey, that was, that was pretty good though, right? Yeah, we did that. We got great relations with us. We're a very good team. I feel like a thing. I feel like two darks of my life is good. Me too. Speaking of which, why don't we eat that shit that I made? Oh, the stuff we made together. Yeah, no, the shit I made. Yeah, yeah. That we made as a team. Well, you, yes, of course, we can make the stuff we made as a team. Let me open up this compartment in my knife that I've been holding for the whole time. And now eat from it like a goat. Well, let's cook this. It's good. I made it from it like a goat. When? When did he cook this? Like earlier. He's like with a fireball. He's just a bread of the meat diet. Okay, he's coming about to come eat. All right, actually bit me. Who, who else eating the, the wheat scraps? I'm pretty sure I just did. And then very good. Okay, guys, go ahead and take a short rest. You can choose as many hit dyes you want. Those will, replenish your HP and at the end of it, roll another D8 and you heal that additional amount as well because of your wheat fence. So we click short rest. Click short rest and then you'll be able to click how many hit dyes you want to use. So basically what this does is this uses your characters pool of dyes to heal over, you know, you guys basically take 20, right? And for the day, that's how many hit dyes you have. So it's up to you if you want to use more and be assured that you're up to full or you want to save some in case you get a chance to rest later. Okay, so we can use four total. You can use, uh, yeah, is that how many you have total? I see four check mark. Yeah. So that's the max you could use. I have four, too. Yeah, you can use as many as many as you are. Everyone has four. Yeah. Okay. Everyone's got four. Yeah. So click however many you want to use. Let me just want to go ahead and hit apply. It should roll it for you. Actually, one, two, man. I'm rolling one. I don't think it's greedy here. Did it do it? Yeah, I got a nine, a six plus two equals eight. Nice. So you guys should have all that. Seven and two rolls. Oh, here's the good news. Everyone roll another D8. That's from the wheat things that you guys ate. The scraps you cooked and you gain that back to D8. I didn't know what that went. Oh, I found it. I think this is it. Five. Let me go into the one, uh, three, three. Good cook in the shop. You go to your unfortunately, Mayo, your bio tongue appears to be a little, a little faulty. It's flapping around and you can't get it all in there. You're rolling like that again. I'm so sorry. Are you maxed out? Now go. I got scratch on me, but I'm not good at it. I'm a maxed out of New York. - No, not. - Yeah, but I also have literally like 20 health points, but whatever it is. - You don't look happy. - How's your health doing, Mayo? - Terrible. I might die. Oh man. - Oh man. - It's not looking good. - Oh yeah, that's your ex. - Who is that? - Okay. - That's, oh, I generated a random image with this website that's called This Person Does Not Exist. Dude, you were so confused after seeing that for the first time in three years. - Yeah, I did it three fucking years ago. - Remember it all, yeah. - Who is that? - That's what it looks like. - That's funny. - You guys, finish up your brief respite. It is respite, right? It's not respite. - Respite, I think it's respite. - Respite, respite. - Respose. That's a different form of the word. - You respose and ruminate for a while. - Now that we have been resposed. - You've resposed. Now you're all feeling resposed. You start to make your way towards this great cylinder leading up and you see what this heap is. It's a person or what used to be one. You can see that it looks like they, unfortunately, were failed by the elemental you bested. - Oh. - A drunken heap. - Their skin is pale and clammy. And, butch, they are wearing a tattered apron. - What the hell? - Coming closer, you recognize this type of apron. You can't really tell from here who this is. This type of apron is the same type that you used at your culinary school. - Can I turn him over and look at his body? - Of course. You turn him over. Go ahead and make me a history check. - Shit, that's a four, I think. - A four? - And I got plus zero on history. - Damn. Butch, you're unable to recognize exactly who this is and you will never be able to inform their families. You know that this was a classmate of yours? Ah, I know this guy, I got a bad, bad, bad with names boys. Bad with names. - But on this body are three potions. - Oh. - Uh oh. - Wow. - This same exact one's I ordered off of Amazon. Oh, those look viscous. (laughing) Oh, those look viscous. - Are what you find, the potions are unidentifiable and unidentified. However, you wish to split them amongst yourselves. - Where's my green one? - Well shit. - And when you wish to use the potion in game, all you need to do is take one big uncork and take one big sip. - Okay. - Not, are you using it? - Oh, okay. - Oh my god. - Okay. - Francis. - You immediately uncork and use the potion. - This is very the fuck did you do that? - All right, that was a little bit of a deal. - Super stuff. - I think you have a, you are an alcoholic, Francis. - Oh, you're just finding that out, my boy. - Francis, which color, which color potion was that? - Green. - Roll. - Okay. - Francis, pick one stat to drop to one and one stat to raise to 30. - Oh my god. - I'll drop my wrist to one. - Your charisma? - Well, it's that negative one. - No, it's that eight though, I think. - Oh, and I'll take my, wait, no. I've got my dexterity to one and I up my charisma to 30. - Totally different choices. - Okay. Holy shit. Francis, describe what happens as you become the hottest, most clumsy person that has ever lived. - But that's basically what's happening to me on Chuckle Sandwich. - I'm gonna change, as you describe this, I'm gonna change your stats and then you can refresh. - Describe what it feels like to become incredibly clumsy and then also the most hottest, most rarez filled guy. - Well, it's just like you see a girl out the pub and she's yours, no matter what, you know, a lot of times you gotta fight for 'em. - Yeah, no, no, Francis, nobody relates to that, but you're clear. - Oh, no, but now you get every girl out the pub and doesn't matter. They fight for you. They fight, they fight on you. They fight with you. - You've got women fighting on top of you like you're a table? - Lots of women everywhere, every night, different taverns, oh, they're great. - It's like a song, The Wanderer. - The Wanderer. - Yeah. - I like the cut of your jib, son. - But you feel butterflies when he does that? - What the hell was that? - And also, Francis is looking good. Like, I don't know if there's a skincare thing going on or what, but you are glowing. - Oh, I always look good. I always did. - Francis, I like the cut of your jib as well. - Oh, it's a nice jib. - Some might call it a flying jib. (laughing) - He's funny, he's so funny. I don't remember you being that funny. - Oh, I'm good, I'm good. - Oh, he should have had a ring sometime. - I would love that. - All right, here you go. - I can't say no. - Oh, okay, give it back now. - Oh, fuck. - Holy shit, I think you should find out what's in your little potions. - No, I'm saving my followers. - Definitely not doing that. - I'm gonna finish this one 'cause it turned out really good. - All right. - Okay, you guys continue forward into the great tube. Once again, walking inside, getting vacuumed up. Again, you are in this black void. This one looks actually smaller than last time. This classy black room with these two tubes in front of you. Again, another intersection. And it also appears now as if there is almost this, like blue twinkling beneath the black glass. Almost as if you're getting closer to the source of whatever this thing's power is. - Blue twinkling. - Orange in the sea. Which way would you guys like to go? - And there's, what are the directions? - Where are we going? - What are the directions? - Same as last time that you're in this room. There are two cylinders to take upwards. - All right, I'm rolling to see if there's a spider. - Okay. - That's a one. - That's a one. - I don't think there's any spiders in here, Sonny. - That's a, it's a one. - That's a one. - You were all the one. - To look for spiders. - Dammit. - Should I send the spider up? - You want me to send a little spider - I took a long last time. Why don't we just fucking choose one? Okay, let's think about it. How about we just go left, worked badly last time? Let's go right. - I mean, let's go right. - Wait, wait, wait, what if left's a good one this time? - No, let's go right. - Let's go right. - Okay. - So we go right. - You guys are going right? - Yes. - Okay. - Yeah, you brushed the scorpion off that you found on your clothes as you continue forward. - Ow! (laughing) - With the natural one. Okay, you guys move through the right tube. Hang on. - Shh. - Hang on. - Shh. - Hang on. - Ah! (laughing) - It's a little right in here. It's okay, this came above deck. - Oh my goodness. - It is like you just came above deck because Francis, butch and mayo, as you all are flung out of this tube and it disappears behind you, you see that you are on a beach. - Oh! - It's just like home. - Off to the side, there is a great door. It looks like with what appears to be a large scale in front of it, with a golden fish symbol upon it. Outstretched before you in the other direction is the vast lake you cannot see the end of, along with a dock that runs 20, 40 feet out and at the end of it is a small boat. What do you do? What are you getting about? - We're getting a boat. - Are you with us? - Yeah, but you're okay, okay. - Okay, all right, you guys go. You get in the boat. You start rowing off or what do you do? - We're going to hang out for a second. - You hang out for a second? - Okay. - Okay, why don't you hang it out for a second? Everyone go ahead and give me perception checks. - Uh oh. - Okay. - That is a seven. - Got it, that's a single. - That's a seven. - All right, not great. - That's a three. - Not great either. - Seven, I got a seven. - Yeah, I mean, this lake actually seems really, really nice. It seems like you could boat or swim in it. - Oh, sick. - You could do anything. - Dude, let's set off. - I'll use my little squirters. (laughs) - All right. Floos from the boat. - Awesome. With a trail of like a red behind you, like it's oil from a motorboat. You guys, you effectively become the motor. And you guys start sailing out blissfully unaware. - May I sing a C-Shanty? - No. - No. - Of course. - Let's keep some morale up. ♪ You hold all hands ♪ ♪ Horses the colors ♪ - It's beautiful. - It's a natural. ♪ Eve, oh, themes ♪ - She's like my mother used to sing. ♪ Never shall we die ♪ - My mother. - And as you say, "Never shall we die"? - Oh. (laughs) - No. Little. Too late, all of you notice a dark, big, shape in the water heading towards you. - No, I'm allergic to irony! - And with those perception checks, you are not able to stop this massive, biggest mouth baths, is it crashes into your ship. Everyone go ahead and make me dexterity saving throws. That's a 17 plus plus two, so I got a 19. - Nice. - That's a five. - 17. - A five plus. Go ahead and refresh your page, Tucker, because you have one next day. - No, dexterity. - Oh, we are waiting. - It's a five minus five. - I got a 17. - One. - It's a 17. - I got a 19. - 19. Great. - Francis. - Zero. - Zero. - You both managed to hold on. - Francis, you unfortunately take three bludgeoning damage and are flung off of the boat into the water. - Francis, stop! - Francis! - Jesus, fish. - No fish, it's okay. - I wasn't thinking about that. - You see what must be the biggest catch you have ever seen. This thing is gargantuan. Yeah, you do, because you fall into the water. You see it rush past you. A mouth so big, it could easily swallow you. And at this time, you too notice that there are rods on the boat, fishing rods. And you look back over to the shore and the dots connect. The fish scale. The fish. - What? - You better catch the thing, boys. Francis has got the right idea. Go ahead, everyone, roll initiative. - We're fighting this big old fish for you in this pyramid. - So it appears where you are right now, again, like you cannot see the end. It is like a demi-plane. - I think they're all seven. - Could you see that? - That's 12. - That's what I'm saying. - That's what I'm 17. You got 13 and then-- - You add your initiative. That's at the top of your profile. - So I got a 19. - Which get a 19, nice? - I got it. - 'Cause I said 17, just now, right? That's what it's 19. - I got an 8. - 12. - Yeah, that's what. - No, I did it all. Oh, you got a negative 5 initiative. - Francis, isn't he? - Yeah, I don't like to get things done. What do you mean? What do you mean? - 12. - 12, gotcha. Okay, here's how this is going to work. All right. There is a huge big bass swimming around. You guys have to catch, right? - Yes. - It's got to get on that scale. Now, you guys are going to make a series of skill checks. You can choose how you wish to approach them, what you'd like to try with the fish. You need five successes to succeed and catch this thing. But with five failures, something very bad. - You're going to fail me. - All right. Play to your strengths, play creatively, and good luck. - Drink everyone. - Do you want me to drink it? - You think it's hot? - Throws, back, the blue. - That doesn't taste very good. - Oh, I liked it. - Potion. Okay. Butch. What's your favorite monkey? - My favorite monkey? - You better not say a gibbon. Because that is not a monkey. - Favorite monkey or favorite ape? - Favorite or favorite ape? - Gorilla. - Gorilla. - Silver bag. - Butch. Your muscles begin to bulge. Hair begins growing where even you had none. - It's like Dremonti. - And all of a sudden where Butch once was a great 10-foot tall mustached gorilla stands in his place. Ted, I am sending you the stat block for a giant ape. You are now a giant ape. You will stop being a giant ape when you run out of HP or an hour is over. - Okay. - You're a giant fucking ape. - Gorilla. - Gorilla. You use all of its stats. That was your bonus action. You still have an action. - Where do I find it? - You no longer grab the rod. - I messaged it to you. You no longer are using your stats. You're using the stats of a giant ape. - You got to grab this rod and start reeling. - You're strong, dude. You're strong. - You better not. - I'm not strong. I use magic, okay? This is you. I mean, how close does this fish to me? - Yeah, this fish is within like, you could jump to it. - I have rock. - You do have rock. - You do have rock. - Ranged weapon attack. - Okay, so you're going to try and attack the fish. - I'm going to throw a rock at it, I guess. - Okay, sounds good to me. You're going to throw a rock at it. Go ahead and give me, I'm going to say for the sake of this, give me an athletics check. To see how well you can hurl this rock, how much you can disorient this fish, and open it up to a success. - That is a 15. - That's a 15. - Take it from the giant ape. Take everything from the giant ape. It has plus nine. - Athletics plus nine, so 15. So I got a, I got a 24. - 24 is fucking amazing. You produce a rock from somewhere. - I go, I go. - Oh, actually I go. - Come here, come here. - I pulled out a rock behind his ear. - Holy shit. - Magic. - What now? - Hmm, hmm, fish, and I throw the rock at the fish. - Fuck yeah, dude. This rock slams into the water with such speed. It doesn't even slow down. Nails this fish in the side. You see a massive splash as it flies out of the water. That is one success towards your five. Up next is Francis. Francis, what are you doing? You're in the water, swimming around right now. - I'm in the water. - You're taking 12 of the fish. - Can I do that? - Can I do that? - Francis with 30 charisma. - I have to raise up this fish. - I want you to describe how you raise up this fish. Give it your best shot. It is swimming right at you. What do you do? - I dodge it, but as it passes by, I stroke. It's pectoral fin. It's soft spot. It comes back on for another bite. I stroke it's dorsal fin. It's warmed up now. It comes up. It comes up. I reach through. I grab it skills. I give my rub. Now I think it likes me. I think it does. Oh my god. It comes around. It lets me hop on top. It leaps out of the water. I'm riding it. I'm riding it. We almost ride off to the sunset together. I want to get away with my shipmates. I think we got this sucker. I think we got it. Francis, go ahead and roll me. Persuasion or performance. Your choice as the scene plays out in your head. Okay, here we go. Tell me what that is. Six. Oh, shit. Oh, no good. Plus what? Plus what? Performance. Plus what? 16. 16 total. Plus right. You have a plus 10. With a 16, not to the degree that you wished you could do this. Or just a little connection though. But you start to feel the connection. It rushes by you. You get one good graze off it. And you see as it swims by, it does. It looks back. It looks back. You can tell that she's a hard catch. She's a hard catch, but she could be yours. Oh, lucky me. She could be yours. Oh, she's one of the lady fish. Okay, let's see. I'm kidding, Mom. Is Mayo. Okay, Mayo. What are you doing? You guys have got this thing down. You're doing really, really well right now. I have two choices. Would you guys like to kill this fish? Or would you like to catch it? Catch it? You want to catch it? I want to bring it home to Mom. Because I have a spell called dissonant whispers, which could cause great harm. But I also have mage hand. Which can create a hand anywhere. And maybe I could catch him and toss him on a side of the boat. Ride on to the boat. I'm going to tell you right now. I think the max weight for mage hand is like five pounds. How big is a fish? This one is so big. Oh, it's so big. Okay, I'm going to try to kill the fish. Oh my god, I'm a dissonant whispers. You can't disson it. Sure, can you read for me what dissonant whispers does? For a discordant melody that only a creature of your choice of the range can hear racking it with terrible pain. The target must make a wisdom saving throw on a failed save. It takes three d6 psychic damage. It must immediately use its reaction if available to move as far as it speed. It allows away from you. The creature doesn't move into obviously dangerous ground such as a fire or a pit. Okay. On a successful save, the target takes half as much damage and doesn't have to move away. A definite creature automatically succeeds on the save. I'm going to tell you right now that might have just saved you guys some trouble and it might have made some he rolled a six on the wisdom save. Go ahead and roll your psychic damage. You see this fish's eyes. Francis, after you gave him this beautiful stroke across his pectoral fan. You like that? I love it. You see his eyes going milky white and his jaw falls open and like bubbles come out and a little slack John I heard it doesn't look Right and then what you can only assume is a scream comes out from the mouth and it begins to swim off in the opposite direction Oh as it is like trying to thrash out of its own skin. Go roll me some rolling 3d6 3d6 psychic damage. Yeah six Six total that was one of them. Oh, okay Six oh, okay One 30 okay 13 total damage Okay, this thing is clearly wounded. You even see some like blood comes out of to fish have ears it it comes out of it somewhere If you guys would like to pursue this option and kill the fish is absolutely an option this thing swims away at top speed But top of the round you see on an initiative 20. It's good. You got it all the way away because now when it turns around the only one it can reach Is you Francis? You're in the water. You're in the water So it's gonna try and swallow you It starts swimming at you top speed. It's it's turned right now Wait, so it's not since it's not close. So it's it's gifts me. So basically You guys were on the boat. It swam away. It was where Francis was in the water You made it go all of its moving away, so it couldn't reach you on the way back It could only reach Francis, which is good for you bad for Francis. So That's actually only a six to hit you. What's your AC armor class? Yeah, yeah Oh, because of your dexterity. Oh My god here. I wouldn't know. No, it's not your turn getting hit right now, man. This is I don't think I've ever seen a six hit anything Oh, you chose Dex Francis Don't tell me you get swallowed don't tell me I'm in the fish, but I mean dude. Where does change happen? But Francis, you are swallowed and forced down this fish's go at taking Jesus Christ You take seven bludgeoning damage and four acid damage Okay, good. He's not dead. I hate to tell you. Okay You are in the belly of the beast But you're up next Can I reach the beast? This is the monkey speaking. You could absolutely reach the beast. I forgot that happened You can maybe slice his belly open Don't cut too deep though Away is the beast You could jump to him, but you'd be in the water That's a problem. This is like a King Kong movie. Now you guys are like the same size. He's maybe a little bit old. Oh, okay. Yeah This is a gorilla capable of swimming. Yeah, all right could butch swim Butch could swim gorilla can swim all right in that way in that case I'm going to run at the beast and use multi-attack you fucking dive into the water. How do you Go ahead roll the head both your attacks on this big fish AC's not crazy What's that a nine plus is that strength? Plus your you'll see it at your male at your fist you have plus nine to hit. Oh, so 18 Absolutely hits and then you get another one right Five plus nine. So also hits 14. Yeah, go ahead describe it to me. Roll your damage as you pummel this fucking fish 3d10 Okay, first one eight get eight plus Three three. Okay, eleven plus Six six. Okay, 17 plus six is 23 Ted go ahead and roll three more d10 Okay So two okay two Plus yep Three okay, five plus yeah, eight. Okay Six eight plus so five so 13 plus six 19 You do a total Jesus Christ 34 damage As you pummel into this thing it is on Death's door. What does it look like as you take this thing within an inch of its life? I go like can I? Can I rip him open and go like this to get Francis out? Yeah, and then I'm like And then Adam like it as a slimy absolute absolute fucking loopy. I'm just gonna roll something real quick What you're rolling Out of the basses mouth does not come Francis. No Out of the basses mouth comes a wet Slimey But wetter and slimy you're than you're used to with blonde hair slicked back piercing blue eyes a Gold adorn chef's apron and a golden knife just like yours Derek sear Slides out On to the vessel Up next I start bearing my teeth. Huh he's that he's still unconscious. Yep Mayo what do you do this fish is on death store you just watched a weird wet and slimy man come out of the basses mouth and You're one well-timed kick The no wait, maybe not well, it would be pretty cool But it does zero zero damage zero damage Yeah, anything sharp is a mace. Oh, I have a dagger I'm gonna tell you right now this thing is very weak Um, I mean if the kick was well placed enough don't tempt me. I would I will tell you if you roll a natural 20 Wait, I have to roll a natural 20 for the kick to your kick to zero damage Fuck that man. I'm using I'm using mace I guess Okay, I'm gonna wait. Why am I doing that? I don't know. You're like a wizard. I'm a user fireball There's a lot more signs. Yeah, go ahead roll the hit go ahead roll the hit 13 plus six that's gonna hit go and roll your damage That's a 10 that's zero. That's a 10. That's a 10. Congratulations. That's a 10 That's what you needed looks like I might be saved Mayo My fireball hits him and burns him You're telling this guy. Well, I don't want you like how do you finish him you finish him That's it It hits him flames In golf entire beast beautiful and his skin his skin dissolves with the flames unveiling Everything within him And in there you see Francis To make it now easy easy I don't know what accident I am With that you guys have bested the beast and Francis you have made the biggest catch of your life you're my best friend now I don't know who you are You're a guy and not like Wait, you're you're my best friend now. No No, I'm a I'm a condiment machine You're more than that You're beautiful. He's raising you up. He's got 30 really. Yeah, her row it You're stunning You're more than a machine You're beautiful what happens what happens What happens we beat him right? Oh, you're asking what happens right now. Yeah. Well, you got a giant ape holding the fish in the water You guys are on a boat fish. Oh, no, like the fish is You still have the weight You take a bite out of it. I think we should all take a little bite. Oh, we should fry it He got I cooked him yet again once again. I have cooked the food already Relax have a drink Oh my god Okay, well, I'm gonna eat the fish All right, yeah, you take some bites out of the fish. It's good. There's far too much to become myself again Um You take bites out of the fish and you don't have a fucking ape. Still a giant ape. You guys do, it does catch your eye. The giant door at the shore glimmers and the sort of scale plate in front of it with that fish emblem on it, shimmers in your vision, sort of catching your eye like a refracting mirror to a plane. Yeah. Looks like a piece of gold. We're about to be rich. I turn over to Derek Sear with my monkey arms bursting out of my tiny little apron on my ape body. I know it too. Still unconscious. Still unconscious. What do you do? Now hold on. Before you do anything drastic, I know he was homophobic. But that was a lot of years ago. The world is a different place now. He could even be gay. He could have been causited the whole time. That's what a lot of homophobic time. I don't know. I don't know how to go real anymore. Yeah. That's true. The 90s were a different time. You can't get AIDS from sitting at a toilet seat. Not anymore. Not anymore. Do you want to? I'll say if you, if you want to dispel it, you can wait it out, but it won't, it won't come back. You just have to wait for a little bit. Okay. Yeah. Shall we get back to, I mean, before you kill him, before you do anything drastic, why don't you let me detect his thoughts? Then we can find out if he's homophobic still. Can I speak, as the gorilla, as a giant ape? No. I'm going to say yaks is funnier if you can. Yeah. Can I have, can I propose a middle ground? We want to go back shore with friends. Easy there, big ape. Fish boy. Well, I pick him up by the head, and I put him in my ape pocket, I've decided now that the clothing has gotten bigger with me. Yeah, I love it. You're in my pocket now. I grab you, you're in my, can I put, what, what are we doing? We're, I don't know. Where's Derek? What are we doing with Derek? Derek's here. I'm putting him in my pocket. You put him in your pocket. You're walking away. You guys are in my pocket. What the fuck is this? Oh my, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing with the fish? I sling it over my shoulder. Okay, all right, great. And then I walk back to shore. Okay. I thought we ate it. You are a giant, you started to eat it, this thing is far too big to eat in one setting. It is a massive fish. It's like a Goliath grouper. It's huge. I dropped the fish, who on the, on the shore, and then I, I put, talker, put, Francis, and I put, a, and then I picked up little rod, sear, and I put him there, yeah. And hopefully that took a half an hour. Yeah, swimming to shore with all of those people in your aprons just around it took a while. Yeah, no, I mean, you, you could walk at a certain point, but it was like that weird, like tiptoe walk where like the bottom of the bottom of the kind of pool is just a little too far away. Might sort of swim at that point, but by the time you get back to the shore, the potion does wear off. You feel yourself shrinking back into your regular, which guys that fucking sucked. I was in pain the whole time and none of you helped me. You didn't realize I was like a drop, you seem quite happy. That was like, no, no, my skin felt like it was hard. You were hard. I saw it. No, that's impressive. My blood was pumping all at the same moment at the highest level. Do you understand what that feels like? Yes. It feels like my blood is boiling. Feels like I want to fuck something, doesn't it? Well, Guerrilla's got that very small package. What the fuck was that? Don't drink that, dude. Detect thoughts. You're detecting the thoughts of Derek Sear, right? Yes. Oh, I remember it's Derek Sear. What is it safe for the duration? You can read the thoughts of certain creatures. If the creature you choose has an intelligence of three or lower, it doesn't speak any language, it's unaffected. You initially learn the surface thoughts of the creature, what is most on its mind at the moment. As an action, you can either shift your attention to other creature's thoughts or attempt to probe deeper into the same creature's mind. If you probe deeper, the target must make a wisdom saving throw. If it fails, you gain insight into its reasoning, its emotional state, and something that looms large in its mind, such as something it worries over. It moves or hates. You are going to get the surface thoughts first. The surface thoughts, you kind of get a picture painted in your mind, in almost this water color style, as you're, feels like you're combing through his thoughts and his memories. You see Derek Sear with two other, what looks like sort of in Butch's attire, chef adventure, researchers. You see them casting a spell that allows them to fly up and reach this pyramid. You see them going through the same challenges that you guys did and you see them failing at the bass, him getting swallowed as the other two had fallen in the rooms before. Those are like the surface level thoughts. I just cut Charlie zero. I'm not Charlie. I mean, I'm just cutting Francis's zero. He did? He did, but I've had enough in me that it doesn't feel too bad. Well, you're reading these thoughts. Francis's ear gets cut off. Why? Why? Why? What? What is your right there? My blood's feeling a little thin. I'll be okay. I'm like mentally unstable these days. cuts of venison and deeper deeper behind all of that as you make this way through this mindscape. There is a closet. What do you do? Come out of it. You're on the you're on the other side of the closet. You're right. What do you do? Open the door. You open the door and Derek's here. Snaps awake. No, man. Oh, you were gay lords. And you were stuck in the closet. So you behaved like a homo foe. That's why you said that to me after you tricked me into eating my bar. Damn, that's right. This is a lot. This any of the moment you wake up from being inside of fish, but honestly you are still an asshole. Derek and because you're an asshole, Derek, I'm going to cast infestation on him. I just wanted to give him a cloud of mites flees and other parasites. What's up, dude? Wait, come in the frame. Hero returns. This is the last episode of Borem. We got to come in the frame for this. That's amazing. Wow. Everyone welcome Borem. It's so good to see you, man. Oh my god. Oh my god. Good to see you. Hello, Borem. Hi, Tucker. Nice to meet you. Wow. Oh my god. Oh my goodness. It's great to see you guys. How are you doing? Good. I heard unfortunately. Yeah. I'm super happy. Okay. I'm chilling over there. Yeah. All right. Oh, dude. It's got to be good from here now. Borems here. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, what is that one doing? As you cast infestation? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, reverse that control. I need to invest in fast bugs and bucks or no bugs bugs or no bugs. Oh, you really? Take us away. We need to talk to him first now. It's fleas and other parasites. What you cast infestation? He was a homophobic infestation. He was just gay, man. He was projecting as charismatic as you are. I'm very. Francis, you realized that upon realizing that that Derek was gay, what you just did could be construed as a hate. No, no, no, no, no, no, the homophobic one. You're homophobic. I'm going to stay away from this, Francis. This is my, this is no longer my issue. Like, you know, I'm with you guys. He's not cool. He's not cool. No, I'm. You're still not cool, Francis. I mean, you fucking, I mean, you that was really hard to tell who's who anymore. You still made me. Eat my own mom. Yeah, that was not cool. It is what it is. That doesn't take away from the potentially hate crime nature. I learned infestation. And I really wanted to use it before we finished this quest. So you're just going to sling it at someone. What is the save, by the way, for infestation, you can cause a cloud of mites, flees and other parasites to appear momentarily on one creature. You can see within range. The target must succeed on a constitution saving throw or takes one D six poison damage and moves five feet in a random direction. If you can move and its speed is at least five feet, roll a D four for the direction one north to south three east four west. This move in direction is provoked opportunity attacks. And if the direction rolled is blocked, the target doesn't move. Just roll a D six. Yes, sir. He failed. Three. Okay, Derek takes three poison damage. He looks not good. Oh, I got to get away self. Runs five feet to the south and falls to the crowd. You know, this didn't feel as good as I thought it would. I imagine, dude, it was a hate crime. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm drunk. The bottle's on my 70. I'm running out of steam. I thought I'd just infest somebody with hatred. Well, no, he infested him with please and my it's another pair of sites. It's it's true, but I was infested with hatred hatred. Once to but you know, now I'm better and I could be better too. Why are you here, Derek? Yeah, Derek. What the fuck? I. My families estate and restaurant are three Michelin stars. They were training. One by one, our meat, our legumes, our veggies, everything was getting worse into my started with feeding people to people. I don't see how that fits in. Oh, that's very dense. All those, it was dense, dense and tough and tough, but my family spies, big family, lots of money, lots of spies. Yeah, I know they're landlords. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Anyway, we forced the tenants to spy for us or else we would have picked them and what they found was a great pyramid in the sky, sapping the lens of its nutrients. So I and my two unpaid comrades, God bless their hearts, went into this vessel to try and put a stop to it. Okay. One we lost in the fields, another to some elemental creature. I was a little cranked up at the time. And then I remember trying to overcome this last challenge before the bass swallowed me whole. Yeah, like you did with your mother when I fed her to you. We're past it now. We passed it, we passed it, we passed it, even with two of my best, the three of us couldn't reach the top. You three stand no chance without me, helping you. I've had plenty of time to think inside that bass about what I did. How wrong it was. How much money do I need to pay you for you to believe me? Two and a half million dollars done. Wait, never cease you. Give me a boy sidebar. If we brought him, we could use him, we could throw him at whatever's at the top. And then that convince him that killing Derek is a hate crime. I need you boys to understand that when I went to the meat series, they told me that the only way that I'm going to be able to taste things normally again is if I kill specifically Derek. Well, it's obviously it's not Derek because Derek is trying the same things. We were here at the same modifications. No, no, no, completely separate from the thing in the sky. Like after he fed me my own mom, I just can't taste like you being selfish. You being selfish. That's the guy that killed my mom. He's gay. You're going to kill a gay guy. A gay guy could never kill your mother. What does that mean? Yeah, what I'm not sure. That might have been the rum pieces. You got to stop evolving yourself. Honestly, I'm unclear what that means. I'm not going to kill a gay guy. That would be a terrible, uncapable of killing. I thought they were nice. So you think that gay people are incapable of killing someone? I just thought they were nice people. That almost roundabout makes it homophobic. I'm very sorry. I should know I have said that we bring into the top. We figure out what to do with them after that. I just think killing me now. That's a really weird precedent given everything that Francis has said, okay, here's what I'll say. I'd be down to take him to the top, but only if I get to cut one of his Achilles and eat it. Oh, that's terrible. You're going to eat another man. Listen to my mind. Am I? I just feel like the wires are getting cool. I think that a little little gay. Dude, Derek goes for a high five with you, Mayo. Very gay. All right. Okay. Okay. I'm too much. I get it. So you mean pussy. We can take him with us. But I need a taste of his ankle. I need some of his Achilles. You do it. Have you let me do that? All right. I'm rolling for a tag. No, no, no, no, go ahead and roll to attack. Seven plus six or wait. Yeah. Six. That's why 13 13 is just a little shy as you take this sweep and just barely miss. Ah, still can't keep up. Can you, but That's funny. Your name but never mind this inspiration isn't that a little gay inspiration. Okay. You go ahead and reroll time. Two fuck. Very gay. Your joke but your name and your your swings are gay. You might as well ask Derek out on a date. Okay. That's it. You might as well enter into battle. I'm going to kill Derek. I'm bending this conversation. I'm killing this guy. He's becoming more. This is a terrible idea. I want him dead. I'm almost dead. But I was your one shot butcher. Are you sure about this? He's a man. I wouldn't even try three men. I don't care. Maybe I'm a public who cares. I'm looking forward to wrestling you. One piece of advice. What was that? What? I'm killing Derek. Okay. Go ahead and roll. 11 plus 13. That is a 14 total dude. Well, I was really curious what you guys would do with Derek. The options were open. We infested him. You didn't invest him. Okay. Hang on. He's got got it. Be careful butch. He has mites flees and other parasites. You guys are in my party. You're in this too. I'm helping you with this. I think I'm out of it. You are going. This is a wonder. Oh, they're a lot of this one. He's got no reason to venture. I'm one. I'm an off male male. I get it. Dude. No. Stay on this. And Conor. It's pants is terrible. Miniscule health. Conor. It's pants is hard. It's not in it that day. Mayo. I got it. You've got your qualms. But this is my guy. This is my journey. I'm going to walk. That's your guy. Interesting. You say it like that because it's a mistake. You're just trying to make that's a little bit. Derek, I'm going to kill you right now. Like this is what's going to happen. You're going to kill another man. That's a bridge. Okay. What'd you get for initiative? I got a 13. Okay. Wait. Derek. Can I cast a spell to help out here? No, you have to roll initiative if you want to be a brother. Is that a D 20? Yes. Plus your initiative. That's a six. Plus your initiative is not good. Is it? It's a one. He got a one total. I got a one. Can I please? Can I please? We'll get to you. Purely atmospheric. I promise. Is it actually just like for vibes? Yeah. Okay. What is it? Drizzle. I just wanted a little stormy sky. Okay, so the atmosphere. Why did you get wet? Well, you were screaming. My name, dude. Isn't that a little gay I'm going to kill this guy gets me Up first is Derek he rolled one more than you Derek draws his golden cleavers like yours what the but more our Nate because he's rich Mm-hmm. Oh, you like these these are only hand me downs you fucking prick Ha he's up towards you He's gonna make Oh my god Derek is not looking hot, but he's not bad at this either First is a 21 to hit second is a 15 to hit. Oh, my armor class is 14. Okay, those both hit The first one is going to do six slashing damage The second one is going to do four slashing damage for a total of 10 all right there Ah Fuck you Derek. Fuck you butch. I'll kill you right now I'll kill you first and you'll deserve it and then you know what I'll I bet mean your friends will be my friends Instead and we'll sit down and we'll eat you all right. That's it rage Okay, you rage is a bonus action. What do you do with your action? Because Maybe not know these have these I got Chains that come out of the bottom these because I have got flail as well. Okay, so it goes Throw it at him sick roll like that That is a 13 Plus six so that's a 19 19 is absolutely going to do it and then I do a 1d 8. Okay, which is he's looking weak This no, I always knew it would end like this you Me on the beach all wet from the drizzle that does seven damage going out it You do a nice chunk you nail that Achilles tendon you were going for with that Shane sweep I Just wanted to make sure you knew how much that hurt me butch I was I was going to hurt you like that was the intention. I hate you. Well, I never meant to my mom. I never meant to hurt you What that's a crazy thing to say you killed my mom and served her to me in front of our whole class Are you like so this being rich make you socially unaware of why that would bother me? That was like high school for me Man, you're bringing up like high school drama now Yeah, butch. This is like bringing up an old tweet. We were 17 you didn't learn more what are you gonna cancel me for that? No, I'm gonna kill you lunches at you with his two golden cleafers again First two he's rolling really good first one is a 23 to hit second one is a 19 to hit Yeah, I mean those both hit God the first attack Dude is going to do seven damage The second attack is going to do three damage for another total of 10. Yeah, I don't care. You're raging right? We're raging Yeah, I'm raging you only take half of that you only take five. Okay I see your meat's gotten tougher Derek I'm going to kill you like I don't know if you understand the gravity of the situation right now You can keep hitting me, but I am going to murder you. That sounds homophobic It does you're people are turning against you butch and when I and them walk out of here Help has been dubious this whole time. Let's be honest Tell everyone about how you ate your mom is dubious dubious dubious you're an ass you're drunk Trouble in parallel I just imagine it's like we're just slashing and they're both like Just being like just comments. I'm like guys. Yeah, talk you. Yeah, you're drunk. Okay I'm gonna do wait, so let me just look at my actions real quick He's looking really bloodied up. You can only when he came out of it. She was already pretty. Oh, he's looking really blood In that case I'm doing I'm doing it. He is he's infested. I'm doing it. I'm doing a hand attack. Okay, just go into attack go and roll the head All right, here I go That is a 19 nice Plus six. Nice. That is a 25 Go ahead and roll damage That's a two plus four so six six damage. Yeah Okay, he's looking really really well. How much health does he have he's looking really really rough But he's not down yet. Do you still have your bonus action to attack? Oh wait I also I'm in rage because you you didn't rage on this turn you rage last turn I believe You have your two-handed option. So if you want to use your second cleaver and try and strike you can oh You're using your second hand. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead and roll the attack. Don't add your strength this time 18 with an 18 Which beats even if he parried go ahead and roll your damage He has I'll just tell you let's roll this in the lunchbox pull it up He has five HP left his five HP was five HP Lunch box of doom a bit which I have seamlessly repaired from dimension 20 here we go Five or more and you're good Five a five Like five total five total. Yeah, that is exactly what you need it. Yes, he says yes Yes, I thought we could work together but I was always just jealous of your meats Yeah, and I take the fucking lunchbox that was oh, this isn't physically there. I don't know what actually yeah I take the lunchbox. I put his face in it How how do you do it? Yep. Okay, basically you know how like the way that like all the tendons connect the neck To the rest of the body and his eyes right like Is there a rock around me? Sure. Yeah, you're on a beach. This okay. I grab him by the hair Oh my god, I'm here a little richy bitch and I fucking put him on a rock and I take this cleaver I go He sees neck separate From his body you see me cutting through bone. It's a cleaver you cut Bones Derek Sears head off Well, Derek is alive. He's he's still alive. He's just he's screaming about how he was jealous of you about how you guys could have made it to the top together about how there was another way Yeah, no, but like he killed my mom, but he did kill your mom feed hurt to you Yeah, no, I so you kind of made me eat her He is so I don't feel bad. No, and that is so fair As you cut his head off literally just like gold spills out of his pockets Like just like his body falls to the ground money just spills. Yeah, um, and as I'm grand picking those up put him in my pockets Eat the rich I say and like I could have made you both billion And that I slice open is stomach and I grab his intestines and I start chewing on my God Maybe something happens because of the meat series. I don't know. I mean, but they that's what they told me but like I don't know But go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw wisdom saving throw That's a natural one that's a natural one Which I always roll a natural one at like the time where there's like a story-changing moment push With a natural one You realize that maybe what the meat sayers meant was more metaphorical ah And that maybe What's that mean it means that as you're biting into this you don't feel like you've discovered The true no no metaphorical. I don't know what that word is Like it didn't literally mean to eat him somehow What do you mean voice inside my head with unfortunately with a natural one butch as you're eating him You still feel that whole inside you that fire is gone, but it's replaced with Alonging not for fucking Derek not for Derek, but for for meaning For what actually you need to find because as you're chewing down it doesn't give you the satisfaction you wanted Maybe it gives you purpose, but it isn't what you had hoped it would be I told you you should have done it his meat Taste funny You ate another man's think about this think about this You are currently eating another man's meat Want to go? You're gonna be fucked up now. It's gonna get You're gonna get the visions and he's going not the good ones But I have to say As we are to keep down what I had to say though is So satisfying to cut his head off I can believe that I mean did you see that? I can't believe that yeah a little bit of pain goes a long way Yeah, no, he's dead now though. Oh, yeah, he's fucking dead. Oh, his last word spent on saying that's a little guy that you were eating. - Yeah, sorry, sorry that you guys had to see that, but he was totally a homophobic. Whether or not he was in the closet. - The homophobic folks deserve a lot worse than that. - Yeah. - Oh yeah. (laughing) Like I cut his head off and ate his ass. - Well, we used to kill all of 'em on the ships, but no. - Can you haul your own explain that one? - Well, you drag 'em under the ship and they got ripped up by the barnacles. That's brutal stuff. They might drown. You'd never heard of this? - Land lover. - We should move on. - Land lover. - We should move on. - Yeah, we should probably keep moving. - You guys see besides Derek's beheaded corpse and your revenge quest now ended in maybe a different note than you had expected. You still have a massive fish and you still have the scale. - We go, we can weigh things. - Yeah. - How'd you weigh? - I say we get over to that. What? - How'd you weigh? - We're like 230 pounds. - Have I tried the in a metric system? What do you impair your list? - You would not survive on a ship, my boy. - So, well, Francis is monologuing. Mayo, would you like to get that fish on the scale with me? - What? - The fish. - What about it? - There's a scale. It has a picture of a fish on it. Would you like to drag the giant? - Yeah, okay, okay, let's do that. - Would you drag the fish over onto the scale? As soon as you do, you hear it clunk, clunk, all the way down and the door, vush, swings open with a great vush and creek revealing yet another tube that you didn't see on the other side of the door before, but now exists leading all the way up past this layer. Again, that black. Now with those blue sparkles within it. - No tube, that's another one. - No tube, no tube, no tube, no tube, no tube, no tube, no tube, no tube. - Back when I broke my thumb. - Well, I had started noob tubing. - One man army. - One man army? - Yes, it's a one man army. - It's an addiction, it's an addiction. - So that's the only thing that's there is the, - There's the tube to go up, tube, tube to go up? - But you had another man's meat. - Well, I guess all there is to do by is to head up the tube. Let's go. - Very good. - Let's do it. - You guys shoot on up the tube and as you do, you feel a rejuvenating energy wash over you and a deep unsettling realization that even though you start to feel better, you may be reaching the top of this pyramid. - Go ahead everyone. - Take a long rest. - You haven't sounded like that. - Okay. - Long rest. - Long rest. - This is it, I'm using the rest of my. - With a long rest, you should just get everything back. - Oh. - Long rest. - Great. - You guys come out into. - Come. - It's kind of gay, dude. - I'm here. - I'm here. - Yeah. - Psychically. In your implants, you guys come out into the final layer of the pyramid. It is, this one isn't closed. This one looks smaller. Rivers of oil run on either side and you can see like suites and candies and chocolates all around. And in front of you, there are two great archways and as well, two great guardians. Both of them stand at about 12 feet tall. This crystalline sort of exterior. Both of them translucent. One bright blue, one bright red. You've reached the final layer of the food pyramid. - What? - What a second. It was always food. - It was the food pyramid. - The bottom was wheat. - I thought it was the best pro shop pyramid. - I love that. - Curse you, Michelle Obama. Damn it. Michelle Obama. - The 1970s food pyramid, which wants you to eat 70% grains. - A better time. - 70% grains. - That's crazy. - A better time. The carbs were flowing. - The carbs were flowing. - That is what you guys see in front of you. - The two giant guardians. - Two giant guardians, two great archways. - Blue. - It was always red. Up and down the ballot. - Lisa's honest. - So there's two guardians. We could choose which guardian we go to. - They're both standing side-by-side. Doors are right there too. You can talk to both of them basically as you, - Oh, there's guys. - Oh, they're like, - The blue one's a girl. - No. - You guys, make your way up to the guardians. You see as they cross pikes in front of the two doors and say in unison. - One of us is sweet and one of us is sour. You could not best us with all of your power. The sweet one tells only truths. The sour only lies. You have but one question. Good fucking luck guys. - Oh, wait, I know the answer to this one. - And they uncross the pikes. - I don't even know the answer. - There's a great red and a great blue guardian. - No, one only tells truth. One only tells lies. So, it's like something on the lines of, I mean, there's something along the lines of. - Are you about to ask it? Does this count? - No, no. - You only get one. - You only get one by. It's a side bar. - Okay. - It's like something where you ask it. - Will you tell me the answer? - Oh, yeah. Will you lie to me? - No, no. - Will you, will the other one lie to me? - What? - Right, will the other one lie to me? Will we be lied to? - Well, at all. - One of them will lie. We know one of them will lie. We will tell the truth. - But if they say, if they say yes, we will lie to you, then it would be true. So they'd be telling the truth. - Wait, wait, repeat that. - Okay, so one always tells the truth. One always tells lies. If we ask either of them, will you lie to us? - Okay. - Well, if we'll both, will we be lied to, we ask? If the one who only tells the truth says no, then that would not be the truth. So he'd short-circuit. And then the other one who would say no or yes, you know, to be a lie either way. - Well, if you ask the truth of one, if you'll lie to us, he'll say no. - No, will we be lied to? - The red one pipes up and says, I'm not confused by this at all. - Oh, the red one, eh? - I think a bio boy needs to drink his red potion. - Why don't you ask the question? - Take a swig of this and then let's get to the little insight from that. - Are you sure? - That smells like shit. - Just throw it back. (laughing) - What the fuck was that? - Oh, is that garlic? - That is thick water mixed with sriracha. - Oh, oh yeah. - I think it's your boy. - Yeah, you drink the potion of flame imbuement. You feel your inner mechanisms start to heat up and lubricate to a degree they've never been before. The furnace inside, you get hotter and hotter. And now every attack and spell you do that does damage, does another 2D6 fire damage. - Oh shit, damn. - That's big. - Now ask the question you wanted to ask. - Okay, we ask, okay, well, hold on. - Which one do you ask the right one or the blue one? - We should, okay, so if we ask the one that tells the truth, will we, will, and if you, and, wait, but is there two paths? - There's two paths and there's two guards. - Yeah, but if we ask, will we be lied to? We can ask one question. We're just gonna figure out which one is which, but then we don't know which path. - Oh, we don't know which one tells truths and lies. - Yeah, yeah. - Do you want the rhyme again? - So we need, yes, okay. One of, they cross it again. One of us is sweet and one of us is sour. You could not best us with all your power. The sweet one tells only truths, the sour only lies. You have but one question, good fucking luck, God. - So we need to, we need one question that will work on both of them. Yeah, so like, think about this for a second. - So if we ask, will you lie to us? The person who will say the truth will say no. - Oh, so that won't work on him. - Nothing. - 'Cause we need one path out of it, too. So we say, we could say-- - Wait, I have an idea. What if we have an action that we decide? - What? - And we say, will I do this to you? And you already know. - No, but we need to know the path, guys. We need to know the path. So we'll ask you. - This is on you. I've drank a little too much. - Okay, I've also drank a little-- - So how about both of you shut up for a second? - Well, as you say that, as you tell both of them to shut up and get a little more heated, the red one smiles. - And you're wearing red. - I don't know how that doesn't give me any information right now. - Okay, okay. - Only a lyroid smile. - I need you to quiet down for a second. - As you say that again, the red one smiles. Is that what that seems like a way to trick someone though? Well, I would I trick you because we're on the same boat. As you say that, the blue one smiles. Damn it. What did you say? Um, he said, why would I trick you, we're on the same boat, the blue one smiles. Okay, now this is making things more confusing for me. He's the enemy. I just need to work it out of my head for 10 seconds without you saying something, Francis. I swear to fuck. As you say that, the red one smiles. You're wearing red, what did I just say? The red one smiles even wider as you guys are doing this. Swagdish, it'll help you. No. Damn it. We're getting nowhere fast. So if I were to say to maybe one of them, I would say, is the like, what would your other friend tell me to do? What? Which path would your, would your friend tell me to do? No, I shouldn't have put this here. We've got quite a roadblock. Roll for a deck? No. Oh, yeah. We've got a question, man. No. Let's at least try the question. Okay. As you shout out at him, the red one smiles. I don't know what that means. Let's all roll for attack. No. Everyone clearly likes it when we argue as you say that, the red one smiles. If we kill both of them, stop. I love you all. The blue one smiles. That's so sweet. Okay. We asked the blue one, which path is right? Okay. You asked the blue one, which path is right? No. What? You don't. No. The blue one likes smiley when we like each other. So the blue one is the sweet one. The blue one is the sweet one. We've determined that. Does the sweet one, do we know the sweet one only tells truths? They said the sweet one only tells truths. The sour only lies. But the sour only lies if we, if we say something nice and the sour one hears that it's going to smile because it's lying about its feelings. But the blue one is smiling when we say we love each other. That would, that's sweet. This is another layer of riddle that has been entered on top of the original riddle. I might kill myself. As you say that, the red one smiles, what do you do? You want to ask the blue one? I cast riddle. I think the red one smiles as you all get a little damp. The red one's honest. I would smile too if others were damp. I think we asked the blue one. We asked the blue one. If we asked the red one, which one would be the safe one? What? Okay. Final answer. Is this the final answer? Can you repeat the final answer? You ask the blue one, which one the red one would say if they were asked what the safe one is. Right? And the blue one says the red one would say the left path. Who's on the left? I think it's blue. Well, that means that both scenarios, if it lies, so we asked the blue one. And then I asked the blue one, if we asked the red one what the safe one is, what would the red one say? And the blue one said the red one would say the left path. The red one would say the left path, if it was lying about what the truth would be or in the other scenario, it would say the left one. If it was truthful in what that one would say, which path do you take? I don't know. The right path. Right path. Right path. I don't know. You guys walk down the right. Are you sure you walked down the right path? No. Let's take the fucking left path. Okay. Why? Why? You want to take the left path? You think the left wins? What do you think? It's October. Yeah, because one of them is a double negative and one of them is just normal. Okay. I need verification, which path? Right or left? The left. No. No. No. No. No. I'm the way you throw it. You took a you picked it. It's October. You're 10th and I genuinely believe the left is going to win. I do. So you're all going down the left path. Yes. Yes. Fine. You walk down the left path and the red one smiles. Okay. And the path. The path closes behind you. And again, you are in this black crystalline structure between these layers. And all of a sudden, those stars start getting wider and bigger and lighter because you were right the first time and it was the right path. Oh. And you all get shot by lasers. Go ahead, everyone. Make me a dexterity saving throw. Dude, Ted, you were right. You were right. You had the right idea. Like, you did the right thing. You asked the right question. Right answer. You got it. You changed it. Right answer. Before we fucking get it. You changed it. And you walked down the road. Okay. You fool. Okay. Listen. I got a little confused. And I've got two different people. You said not. Go ahead. Go ahead, everyone. Make a dexterity saving throw. He's a very smart man. If you could have explained to me the logic behind it. Make it with disadvantage. Make it with disadvantage because you're in the darkness. You do two. Yeah. Take the number one. We got 10, 17, 17. How many rolls? Two. Two rolls. I got a 10. I got three. Okay. Oh. That's 16. Okay. That's 30 plus three. So I rolled 220s. Okay. That's fucking amazing. Um. You guys. You guys both. You guys will take 21 radiant damage. Yikes. Uh, that's. That's not going to be good for anybody. Uh, flat. You only take 10. Here's what I'll say. Because I rolled really high on that damage. And I can't imagine you guys are looking good right now. Yeah. Um, yes. You guys do still have four remaining snicker doodles you may have forgotten about. I'm reminding you of this before you go into the final room here. Because I took off six. Um, you guys are blasted by these beams of radiant light. You managed to barely sort of make it through dodging some. You dodged most of them with your condiments sort of bursts. You guys get hit by a lot of them. Um, your skin is searing. You're smoking. And you manage to just barely duck through this final doorway. Into what looks like. Uh, a control room where there is something ahead of you. But you guys made it through that room. You guys are pretty worse for wear. Just reminding you got four snicker doodles. You guys should split them. What do they stick to do it again? They're cookies. They're good. They're delicious. They're cookies. They, they, they heal you, but you got to make a wisdom save. Not to laugh. That was their whole like, you know, they're about 200 calories a piece. They're delicious. And you guys should eat them. You're not getting a single fuck at one. Oh, I don't need one. And we know I'll take one. Okay. I think it's a full heal with them. Uh, no, I'll tell you how much you heal. Um, who's eating one because there's four. Oh, we are going to share them two and two. Yeah. Yeah. At this point, I'm just going to be so honest like laughing. Doesn't really matter here if you guys feel the safe. So go ahead and roll. Um, it's going to be four D four plus four. Four D four like the number D like the letter triangles. So roll four triangles and then add four for each of you. And you gain that much health. Uh, I don't know what these mean. So I got the top numbers. The one you read. I got two. So four of these for all four times an ad four. Yeah. One each time. You guys are both going to be a mess. Yeah, that works too. That's okay. So five. That's six. That's seven plus four. 11. You hold 11. 17. Okay. 17 each week. Nice. Um, sweet. Okay. Cool. You guys, uh, pop back these, pop back these snickerdoodles. Have a couple of chuckles as they're going down. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And. How do you do? How do you get there? How do you get? Well, I'm having fun. So that was full healed. I have a low health. I made it too. So that I was really trying to drill in a sweet and sour thing. You guys could have tasted them. Huh? Like they like one was literally sweet and one was like literally sour. Oh my god. I really don't. That's sour. Yeah. This I clocked what they would do. You could not get one. This is this. This is what slide does after the answer is really. I knew the whole time. And you guys. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what I kind of way to say this. I literally did know. And you went the complete opposite direction for no fucking reason. That's the last I'm going to say about it. I'm not peed off. I didn't get hit by these things to the extent. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. That's basically. See what I'm doing here. - Do it. - Sniff that, sniff that mustache. - Check this out, everyone, everyone, everyone. - Shup. - We're here, we're in the final room. We're gonna do this, okay? Because in front of you, in front of you, is a control room. In this control room, you see these various screens. Some of them are of these layers you've passed through. Some are of places you recognize down below, but you can tell that this is the control room for this food pyramid. And in front of all of these screens is a chair with what looks like a figure seated in it. And this figure spins around to face you. - Is it a swivel chair? - It's a swivel chair. - That's the key. - Oh yes, this figure spins around, and this is a big fucking chair. Like if you guys have seen like Prometheus, it's like the big fucking like engineer chairs, yeah. This person is still veiled in shadow, but they turn to you. You're the first to ever make it to the top. - Who are you? - Oh, questions you have. - I mean, yeah. - Oh, give you three. - Are you Yoda? - No, next question. - Okay, now we have two questions. - What would the right guardian tell me to do? - No, the right guardian, that's too meta. - The right guardian would have told you to hang on with blue. Like the blue one or the red one, 'cause I don't think it mattered which side they were. - Honestly, I'll give you four questions. - Was he right? - And just mark that off, yes. - Damn it. - There were only two, how did you get this far? - I get stressed out with binary options. - Then you'll hate it here and you see it on the screens. (imitates the screen) - Zero, zero, one. (laughs) - Two questions remaining, that one doesn't come. - But what, oh wait, we only had three questions. - I, we're in the land of riddles. - In your early district. - Riddles. - Riddles. - Exactly. - Wait, when can I use a spell? - What's the riddle? - I'm not asking you, what does he want? - He said we have three questions, he's not loaded, that's all we know. - Where you lost. - You're not the deal. - You're barely even. - What do we have here right now? - I just wanna use a spell. - You could try to try. - I can read his thoughts. - No, no, that's not what I was gonna use. - You said it earlier. - I'm gonna use the text thoughts. - You can use the text thoughts? - Okay, wait, I'm gonna want to use a spell. - Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. - With the detect thoughts, you see as you peer into this mind, Mayo, for the first time that you've used this spell, it is overwhelming. The amount of sound and the amount of knowledge and the amount of power within this creature is insane. - Did they see knowledge? - Feel your mind expanding and contracting and struggling to comprehend what is happening here, but what you can tell is that what the crazy gas frogman told you was partially true. This creature, whatever it is and peering through its memories, you can see it piloting this thing going to different worlds, travels across the universe in this vessel, this pyramid and drains worlds of their nutrients. The reason is because what is the organ that uses the most nutrients, it's the brain. Now this creature has traveled far and wide across the cosmos, gathering knowledge, gathering nutrients to answer the only riddle it cannot solve. - Oh my God. - That's as much you get without digging deeper, but your mind is bursting and even casting a spell, you take one psychic damage. - Ow. - What is that? What do I have to roll? - No, you just take one psychic damage. - Mayo. - Before we move on, do you wish to probe deeper? (sighs) - Mayo, I think there's a question that you should ask. And I think you've known it all these years. And I think I can hear the sizzling in the distance. - Now, before you get to it, I am gonna say, Francis. - Oh. - You had something you wanna do, I wanna make sure we get to it. - Oh. (laughs) - This is getting heated. But I was going to detect magic. - Oh. - He didn't expect that, did he? - I guess not. What is detect, does, yeah, it's very magical. (laughs) - That's what I thought. - It's very magical, but I'll tell you what else. You detect two kinds of magic in this creature. - One kind of magic seems to be this fiery, you feel this fiery sizzling presence. And this other magic, you feel this almost paradoxical void. - Okay. - I think I know exactly what you're talking about. - I think I know too. - I encountered this on the open sea once before. - Mayo. - I think mayo needs to face this. - What are your two questions? (dramatic music) - Do you need some? (dramatic music) (sighs) - He's gorgeous. - Oh my God, that's so gross. Dude, I know for a fact that's gross. - Oh, I actually know for. I genuinely couldn't, I gagged after one sip. Dude, I really, oh my God. - Let him do this. - You have to get out of flight. That's gonna fucking, what the fuck, Jesus Christ. No, that's actually the ballast thing I've ever tasted. - A monk's men. - Stay away from him. Would you rather have unlimited bacon? But no more video games. - Or? - Games. - James. Unlimited games, but no more games. I was about to ask you the same thing. And as this creature rises to its height, you see this, oh dude, I'm so sorry, you did that. This finks like, this finks like head and with these cat features and odd feathers, yes. And eyes full of knowledge. - Trap door. - This is how I ask you. How you want to die. Would you rather stand up to his full height and you see as one eye, beings with a red flaming energy. Have unlimited bacon, but no games. And his hand outstretches, this wretched flaming sizzle like standing out from it, a wing of pure bacon sprouting from one side or games. Unlimited games and the room stretches in front of you, sliding and expanding. But no more games. And you see as he clenches his fist and fucking pure paradox, pure void appears in the other. And in front of you stands the ultimate question, the purveyor of knowledge, this finks. - We're fighting the question right now. - You're fighting the question roll initiative. - Let's fucking go. - You all right, or else? - Yeah. - Seven, shit. - What is that? - Seven. - I got nine. - I got nine. - Seventeen. - I got nine. - Only fitting. - Perfect. - Ching, ching. - Okay, so you first man, what'd you get? - Seventeen. - Got it. - Seventeen, okay? - I really drank a lot. - No, I don't know what you did that dude. Francis, you know it would be epic. I get a six. - It was. - It was perfect. - It was very, it was very epic. - Hey, okay, okay. - Puch. - Okay. - Puch, what'd you get? - A seven. - A seven. - Yeah, no, I got a nine. - A nine. - A nine initiative. - Okay. Top of the round before even this finks. It's Mayo. - Mayo. - Mayo. - Francis. - What do I do? - I just drank that again. So my fire shit is epic. - Dude, you know what? Because you drank that entire fucking thing. - My fire shit is epic right now. - 40, so you get double the effect. 46. - There's, which was already double. - I can't not give that to you. That is genuinely retweeted in the conction. - An additional 46. - Fireball. - Fireball. - Oh my god. - Fireball. - Oh. - Oh my god. Go ahead and roll to hit. - Oh. - Jesus, dude. - Jesus. - One. - No. - Seven. - Seven. - Six. - 13. - 13 hits. Go ahead and roll that damage on the sphicks. - Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. - Okay, so it says 1d10. - 1d10 plus 4d6 now. - Fucking shit. - Zero. - 10. [BLANK_AUDIO] Holy shit plus plus 46 goddamn holy shit, okay? Three okay four okay Six you've gotten really good at rolling. Oh my god there. You get really accurate to the middle there Yeah, fuck you shoot a massive bowl of flame out of this grill Built into you What is there You blast me this thing. It noticeably takes damage You've seen through some of the bacon wing, but you see as it just grows back is there is infinite bacon Unlimited bacon I will raise your world for that what's happening now Enough games Dude, it's fucking smells like raid. Um, he reaches out a hand and uses no more games All of you make a wisdom saving throw Damn it seven That's a 13 13. Okay, five five. Okay. Okay. What did you get Tucker? Oh, uh, 16. Okay, uh, Tucker you pass Yes, uh, um, Francis you take five psychic damage Uh, and mayo and butch you guys both take 10 psychic damage Information that lasts through your mind every game playing out at once. Once you didn't even know you played Butch visions of someone you don't even recognize cooking and eating your mother another game another world and just as fast It is it is all gone every game you've ever played is a race from your fucking mind And now you have Minus one D4 to any checks you are making here on your next turn. Oh I'm Klinging to life right now. I thought I thought I should let you guys up next is but you have left Five holy fuck up next is butch. Okay. Oh shit. We got a lock in here rage rage. Absolutely rage and then I guess uh I'll do my double hand X nice nice nice. So I will suck the nutrients from your body and there is no one here to call that Gay you go ahead roll your attacks. What? Is the creature say that I say yes. I see everything. Okay, uh roll to attack roll to attack. Oh You guys are 10 10 to hit Well 10 plus six or 16 16 is going to do it. Yes, you're good. All right. Go ahead and roll your damage right now. I got a roll 1d 6 That's five plus four plus two right plus two nice 11 plus four than 11 holy shit. Okay, and then I do it again. Uh, yeah I know all the games that's the that's a 15 plus six that will hit two Yes, and then I roll the roll the yeah, roll it and just add two Damn three Total yeah, okay nice. Uh, all right. Yeah, you slash into this fucking picture You have sizzle in your heart a little bit want to have a little more Well, I think he's flirting with you Butch as you cleave into this shinks like creature with your mighty blow Oh, but there is a sudden moment where faster than you thought possible this thing's looks over to you and stretches out a finger and you see as Bacon unlimited bacon flies out from behind him towards you go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw Ha after you attack. Yeah. Oh, she had that's a five That's a five five plus uh Plus two so that's a seven Seven absolutely does not pass you take you take four fire damage Which you're a T-flings, so I think that's actually halved to two. Okay, as uh Unlimited bacon Shoots out past you you see is in the corners of your vision and all you can see is just this sizzling pork cut flying past You slice into your flesh Jesus It's okay. What's up next is Francis my plan is to use thunder wave nice It's gonna fuck you guys up. Oh Jesus, but hopefully it fucks up the bacon a little bit more It's gonna hurt us. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt This thing sees you start to cast it in laughs he laughs because he he's just happy you guys are gonna get fucked up Why would you do that? I've always been about the liquor man It's not about you. It's good. I was your accent go Go on to the go on to the waves it comes and goes Even even the sphinx looks at you and goes are you sure about this? Well, they don't really have a lot of offensive spells here, you know It's kind of thunder wave for nothing you turn around. There is like a video game tip that I hand wrote for you That says you can turn into animals and it is good You can turn into an animal and we'll increase your damage a bunch and like it's a thing I use a lot of I'm not telling you what to do. You can do whatever you want. Let's see here I'm only trying to provide options that aren't blowing everyone up, but okay Let it be known that based on pure pressure For the best I'll be turning into a tiger And I will be eating the bacon Okay Uh, yeah, I've got the stab block. I've got the stab block um holy shit Francis Francis you turn into a fucking tiger Yes, yes, I do it's sick um you get one attack. Do you want a bite or claw this bacon bite? Absolutely you get plus five. I've got all your stats right here All right tiger uh Tansis go ahead and roll me one d10 plus three. That's your damage one your tag as you bite into this bacon Seven seven plus plus three so 10 10 nice You bite a large chunk of this bacon wing and you see as it is regenerating slower and slower. No, this isn't possible. It's unlimited Um, I'm not in my mouth As you deal this blow to him and you see he is more wounded than ever before um He says fine If I can't drain your world all drain you fuck and uh the his hands You start to feel yourselves We can everyone go ahead and make me a constitution saving throw 12 16 20 nice Francis 13 okay Unfortunately, it was 14 you needed to hit so you guys both fail you pass you're totally okay you guys both take Uh, he did hit that yeah, you guys both take five four damage and you both age Seven years okay Instantly I would have been uh, I'm in my 30s. I'm in my 30s. Ah you see as he begins to heal Oh unlimited bacon unlimited possibility Fuck up next is mayo firebolt You're fucking imbued with this power uh go ahead and roll to hit you're gonna do a shit ton of damage with the sits Games back how much 19 plus six absolutely hits go ahead and roll that damage one d 10 plus four d six Seven nice plus yes Two yes nine okay five okay 14 yes two holy shit plus yes six oh my god he is looking rough how do you do this as you blast him down to what Looks like an inch within this finks his life I mean I use the firebolt I shoot the fireball dead. You shoot the fireball. It rips through him sinching You see the fur This isn't possible. I can see unlimited futures and this is none of them. The sphinx is made of sand He doesn't have fur The sphinx is made of sand I don't think that's true Like the shrinks of mythology isn't made of sand. They made that because this is the sphinx. Yeah, this is nice This isn't like the sphinx from each of them Okay, no that's okay. It's awesome. All right. No, I love it. I like a fight I'm snacked up next unfortunately is This finks oh boy. Oh shit. You've so far only tasted finite bacon But now it's time for all of it. And you see, as around you, the walls all change into bacon. It all every slice angles at you, Francis, and you what? Butch. And it starts to unlimited bacon, all in a room, all in a globe, around you. You guys start trying to dodge around this bacon, but there's just so much of it. Dexterity saves both of you. This is very bad. My dexterity's terrible. Damn it, dude. I'm rolling solo. Five. Only five. Five plus so seven total. Seven. Damn. Seven plus 12. No, negative five plus 12. Seven. I think I don't know if I'm going to make it. You guys both take 30 fire damage. I'm dead. You take half because of fire resistance. I don't know if it helps, but that's what you take. If I had 15, I'd be at zero, but I have 14. Fuck. Okay, unfortunate. Francis, how much did you have? Wait, how much damage should I just take? He did 30. I rolled all sixes. I'm dead. Oh god. Okay. Francis, you see as is absolutely blasted by these different slices of bacon goes flying back into your heroic inspiration on that dexterity. Close cinched. I'll give you one last shot to do it. Pull out the lunchbox of doom right fucking now and use that. If you're not seeing me, this is it. Butch for all the marbles. This is if you stay up or go down butch for my marbles, the DCs 14. 13 plus two. Butch, you see all of these coming towards you, but what is your fucking job? Dislice and dose. And you do. Singsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsingsings Okay, so I'm at seven. Not great, but you're still up. That's the Sphinx's turn. Up next. Butch. It's you. Sphinx is looking rough. This is probably do or die. You see Mayo next to you. Looking beat up. Condom is leaking. You see Francis on the floor. It's your turn. Okay. I rage. Go for it. I feel like all this occurs in the in the lunch box at doom now. I think so. Go ahead and roll it. There we go. 11 plus fucking, what is this? Roll to attack 11 plus six. So that would be 17. That's going to hit. Go ahead and roll your damage. Okay. So that's a 1d6 plus four. Yeah. Oh my god. This thing keeps falling. 1d6. Come on, butch. 8 damage. 8 total. Okay. Butch. You still have an offhand attack. He's looking really rough. You cleave one of his fucking arms clean off, dude. You slice all the way through it. You see as his arm of unlimited bacon falls to the ground, the bacon all flapping lifelessly down. And then I go again. And this is just plus two. Correct. Oh, wait. Plus two. This is because I'm rage. I did. Sorry. It was it was a four plus four plus two. It was actually 10. 10. Okay. He's looking even worse. Roll roll a flat die for your second hand attack. Yeah, you don't add strength to it. It's just flat. Oh, shit. 6 is 11. 11 does not hit your cleaver. You try and swing it and you see as this void of infinite games, but no games absorbs the fucking cleaver into it. One of your cleavers lost forever. One more game ended. And as you attack him, he is going to once again, his arm lying on the ground sizzles once more firing one final burst of bacon at you. Go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw. That is a bad scenario for me because I've got a six and that's an eight. You only take four fire damage. Oh, I'm on my last legs right now. Up next. Up next is would be Francis. Francis. Go ahead and make me a death saving throw. I thought I was on the floor. You're making death saves basic. You want a ten or higher, the box. It's a four. Yeah. Francis. Francis's life is leaving him on the floor. You guys need to finish this fast or it's over. Mayo, it's your turn. This thinks is looking so bloodied. Butch has lost a cleaver butch is on his last legs. Francis is on the ground. I'm on the ground. You're on your last legs. You're leaking every condom. Man, look at me. Do it for everything we've gotten through. I believe in you fire bolt. And as you go to cast it one more time, you realize that your friends believing in you. That was the secret sauce. And your body starts to expand your sauces flow with a new bright, beautiful orange and you fire off a final blast roll to hit. It's an eight plus plus six, 14. You needed a 13. The sphinx had one HP. Oh my god. And if you if you missed, I actually think you all would have died. But how do you want to do this? Take it away. Do it, Mr. Mayo. Paul, open off. Do you want to do mine? You fool. I say to the sphinx. You've been so caught up in this paradox of unlimited games and no games when the answer has been in front of you the whole time. You always take the bacon. It's four. You only needed one. You see right as you fire off this firewall in his eyes, widen. That was my first choice. I fucking I second guest it. It's a mess into him. It explodes out half into this negative energy, half into this bacon as his form is strewn across the walls of this place. And combat is over. You have defeated the question. It was never a question. The answer was always the bacon. Francis, I'm going to say if you guys take a second, you can get them back up and now you are left with a dead, basically dead god and a choice in front of you. The control center for this pyramid, you can choose to take it for yourselves. Whatever that means, all of this food, all of these ingredients, all of this wealth, all these nutrients, go off to other worlds, take this one, do whatever you want. Or you can destroy it. You don't know much about this console, but you know enough that you could figure out those two things. All three of you, this is your decision. The final one, in Shackle Dungeon, lead it. Eddie boys, there is a big red button. Is there a on the, is there a steering wheel? Is there a steering wheel? Yeah. Okay. Boys on the count of three, one, two, three, we crash into the air. You see all of the, all of the moderns danger, danger, danger, danger. This thing crashes into the fucking planet, leaving a vast, do you want to destroy the planet? I just leave a big crater. This thing leaves a score upon the earth as it indents, leaves a massive fucking crater that is literally sheen from space. Do you want to survive this or no? Yes. Please, I need this. We'll leave it up to the imagination. No, no, I need to survive. I need this. - We all collectively think that we'll leave it up to the imagination of our listeners. Are we all three of us? - No. - I've got nowhere. I got you. As you all veer off and it starts to shake, you all close your eyes except Francis. Who's definitely gonna live? I definitely am gonna live. I need something. And with that, the story of Mayo, of Francis, of Butch, and how they save the world will forever be told in stories and in restaurants, maybe experimental menus. - And on streams. - Across the continent. Thank you all so much for playing chuckle dungeon unlimited. I hope you enjoyed playing. I hope you enjoyed watching. Thank you so much. I'm your dungeon master, Charlie Slamsicle. These are these wonderful people who you will never see again on this podcast. As this is the finale. Thank you guys so, so much for letting me run this. I really appreciate it. - This is amazing. (audience clapping) - Woo! And however much the video says this is long, that's a lie. It's just took a while. - All right, Chuckleers. Thank you so much for watching that final episode of Chuckle Sandwich, the chuckle dungeon episode. We hope you really enjoyed it. I know that Charlie here put a lot of work into preparing that for us. We did a lot of work to try to make it seem special for you guys. And I mean, thanks so much for listening to Chuckle Sandwich. I decided to leave for a flight at the end of that episode and we didn't really get a chance to kind of say what we wanted to for the end of the podcast. So we're here after the Christmas recording a couple of weeks ago that you guys watched and we are gonna say some final, final stuff. Would anyone, I don't know, I don't know how to do this, but you know, this is the last things that we're gonna say at the end of Chuckle Sandwich. So, I don't know, Charlie, would you like this? I'll go, I'll go. Chuckle's, Chuckle's. It's been the last, this is the last chuckle. It's it, that's it, that's all, that's all she wrote. This is the last time you're ever gonna laugh listening to any of us again, especially with whatever Ted and Tucker are gonna be up to after. I think they're gonna be kind of hard to come by. But, on a real note, you know, every YouTuber has videos that they can look back on and be proud of. And, you know, it's all, it's great when you make, you know, you pour your heart and soul into one little thing and that can kind of live in its own bubble. But it's, it's just one video, you know, and there's been multiple years that we've poured into Chuckle, hundreds of episodes. And, this is the only project I think that I've worked on for such a long time that I can look back on and recall nothing but good memories. Which, you know, again, I can't really say about much of the other huge things I've been a part of. And, Chuckle's that one thing that I can look back on, you know, we close it up real nice, we're at it up in a nice Christmas present for you all. And, I can say, in full confidence that it's something that I'm genuinely proud of. And, yeah, I'm very grateful for all of you for coming along on that ride for the four years that we had. And, I don't love you, but I do appreciate you. And, that's all from me. - That was really sweet. - Okay. Man, geez, this is, honestly, I haven't been on the podcast for real in 100 or more fucking episodes, you know. - Maybe 96 of all the Christmas episodes. - Okay, okay. Maybe not, oh, well, then it's not as bad as I thought. I never looking back on this whole thing, this whole podcast. I don't think I'm ever going to, this is gonna sound weird. I don't think I'm ever gonna look back on it like it was a podcast. I think, especially you, Schlatt and you, Ted, we've kind of known each other for what is now getting to be a pretty crazy, long time through the good shit and the not so good shit. And, I don't think I'll ever, I don't think I'll ever forget what it was like that you invited me to something like this, Ted, and I'll never take for granted the fact that we've been able to keep talking to each other and keep laughing and keep doing stuff like this. And so I think, you know, I think that my hope is that even without chuckle sandwich, that I can stay close with you guys, because this really, Schlatt's right. I mean, this is one of the few things that I can look back on with pretty much nothing, but fun memories. I mean, we were watching just the clip of the Christmas episode earlier. And, I mean, I loved doing stuff like that, not for the viewers or whatever, but honestly, just to make you guys laugh, 'cause I've been lucky enough to call you both my friends. Schlatt, I think that despite you having a very spiky exterior online and stuff, I genuinely think that you are, you have one of the kindest hearts inside that I've ever seen, and I know you hate it when it shines through a little bit, and when I find out about what you're actually doing, but I hope that you get to keep doing what actually brings you joy and what brings light into your life. And I think you're on your way to doing that. And that makes me really, really happy to see. And Ted, I hope you know that I will never take for granted how much you are always extending a hand or friendship to me, or making sure that I feel included or heard or a part of something. It seriously really, really means the world. - Oh, man, fuck you. Oh, geez. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So, I love you guys today. - I love you guys, Jesus. - I really, really do. So, you know, I am very, very grateful, I probably said this on the episode, but I'm very, very grateful that you guys asked me to come back for that finale and meant a lot to me, and I made that, you know, I toiled away at that, not because I wanted it to be good for whoever the fuck was watching, because I really wanted it to be good for you guys. So, thank you, Charlie, I mean, thank you guys. You're the bats of dude. - No, I love you guys. I really do. - You too, Charlie. - Yeah. Whoever's watching, you guys are fine too. Whoever's watching, let's fuck, man, even if you want up to me, oh, Jesus. - I told you, I was serious, I was serious. - I really mean it. - I really mean it. And Tucker, I know that I don't know you, you know, - Oh, it doesn't work. - I'm serious, I'm serious, but I, um, it really meant a lot to me when we did Chuckle Dungeon and you brought fucking nothing but your egg game dude. I thought you absolutely crushed it in every way. - It tried very hard. - So, yeah, I hope that, I hope that your guys this podcast and Tucker, I hope everything you do isn't literally nothing but successful, man. I hope you get everything you want in life. - Thank you. So, yeah. - Tucker, would you like to say something? - Sure. So, I started working on Chuckle in 2021. I had, uh, freshly gotten out of the Marine Corps with just a high school diploma. I was, uh, freshly engaged. I had been listening to a couple of the early single-digit episodes while I worked for my dad, Mo and Lawns and Blow and Leaves. And I moved in with my wife or, or, or then who became a wife and, uh, Ted, my high school best friend and we sat in, in touch all throughout, you know, Ted's college, my Marine Corps, we sat in touch and Ted offered me a job, uh, making clips and highlights, YouTube shorts didn't even exist at the time, making highlights for Chuckle Sandwich, as a, as kind of a college job. And I was fully intending to apply for just a part-time position at Home Depot to make ends meet while I put myself through school and Ted offered me the job, which was monumental in allowing me to start a family and, um, make some money while getting my education. And for, I'm forever grateful for that. And, and not only like, only a year later, I'm actually, I get, I mean, due to some circumstances that happen, I've been, I was promoted to be on the show and making some more money, which was, you know, instrumental and getting me off the ground in both content and financially. freedom and allowing my wife and I to you know get going in life and you know we're three or four years later now and you know Ted and I are starting our own project and I've been streaming successfully all year making YouTube videos and just meeting tons of great people meeting Shlatt and Charlie who I never would have met through this and you know thanks to you guys for getting chuckle sandwich off the ground because if you've never got off the ground then my life would look completely different than it does now I wouldn't be on this camera I wouldn't be using this microphone I wouldn't be using these monitors I wouldn't be using this computer or this GoXLR if it wasn't for the three of you especially Ted though credit or credits to Ted is my best friend and he's pulled me up into this world and allowed me to do whatever I want really and now you know we're looking to a new chapter I couldn't be more excited and I couldn't be more proud of his empathy his generosity and his friendship and I just want to thank all of you guys so thank you damn oh oh fuck you man that was nice oh it's been life-changing so it really has oh I guess it's my turn to say something I mean I I knew when I saw all the stuff that Charlie and Shlatt were doing like in my experiences with them in the years prior and just in like just how absolutely funny and like talented they were that I was like I want to do something where I can assure that I will be able to continue to be friends with these people and be able to continue working with them and so I pitched chuckle sandwiches these guys being like sort of like I'm a big I'm a big proponent of a friendship preservation projects I think I'm realizing because I did the same thing with Tucker where we had like a we had like a fucking we were playing we our project where we were playing through all of all all of the campaigns on legendary was like our like so when he was in the Marines and I was in college I was like what we would do and yeah we would see each other yeah at a minute because you know it's hard sometimes when you have like a like a mostly remote relationship with people on like staying in touch and stuff like that and you know me being out in LA and being away from you know a lot of the world that I grew up with you know it's like it's an important thing to me but I'm you know I'm so glad that you know Charlie and Shlatt you guys you know took a chance in my ability to like pull something like this together and I'm so appreciative of you guys bringing your your your whole selves into this project and and giving your your your comedy and your your work ethic and just your enthusiasm for something like this because you know it's it's hard you know to do to do a group project in the first place it's because it's just a lot of but you guys have always you know been willing to you know you guys were all willing to come out to LA I mean even in the later ends you know it was a little hard to get flat out the LA but I mean he still came out he still came out and we kept them happy into the end and I'm pretty happy about that I think we did a good job Tucker don't you think we did we did a great job that was just fantastic that it that it went as well as it did yeah no I think that our last trouble week was the most successful least flat problem truck a week that we had which I was very happy about we had a theory Tucker died a theory we were like we just get him we can't let him get a hotel we can't let him at all times if we get him around all the time and he can keep we can be sure he's having a pump and full of serotonin I always like to having like the most wonderful chuckle week and then watching you drink that entire disgusting potion I made and being like oh god he's gonna have a miserable time I believe I did that I don't know why you did yeah it was probably the fireball yeah but yeah no I mean I'm just so pleased that that you know we're able to just finish this project that I was able to pull Tucker in and be able to basically assure that like my best friend isn't gonna be too busy to do anything because he's gonna be fucking work and with me the whole time yeah I mean I think that in many ways like I don't know what would have happened if Chuckle said if we didn't do Chuckle sandwich I don't know if we would have grown apart like I in when I think in a lot of the context of those years a lot of us like all three of us were we're doing very different content and stuff and like sort of cool I mean I think Shlatton you and Charlie kind of collabed a little bit more than than I did with either of you but I mean I don't know I'm really I'm very pleased with how it went and I feel like at where things stand right now I mean comparing where we were when we fart when we started Chuckle sandwich we you know we weren't all that close but we liked each other and now I feel like with as Chuckle sandwich ends I feel the at the closest that I've been with either of you than I've ever been especially you know with Charlie moving out to LA and then like when I came out there to New York Shlatton we hung out like I definitely felt like I was like okay this is like you know this isn't like a work friendship these are my friends you know do you know I mean like where there's like sometimes you have that with YouTube and so that's really what I I think I wanted from Chuckle sandwich at the end of the day and I'm really happy that it got to that point and I'm so happy that you know there's hundreds of thousands of people that like just you know got to ride along for that journey with us and and that Charlie you were willing to come back for all the all the Christmas episodes yeah fuck yeah it was a great great project and I'm just I'm fucking did it guys we fucking did it and you know and now this will live on the internet forever people be able to listen to all that episode of Chuckle sandwich and it's like this wonderful time capsule of of a weekly period or a weekly basis of our lives and just of different places we lived and and see you know like grow like through our our mid-20s we're all halfway through yeah we're all on the talent yeah yeah exactly yeah Charlie and I are about to turn 27 Tucker to slide you're gonna turn like what 14 but yes is there any other thoughts that people have before I do this what I'm about oh well also and remember I gotta say this Tucker Tucker and I we've got a new podcast that that's coming out it'll the first episode will launch next week yes next week next right on schedule right on schedule we're not gonna let you guys spinning is you're spinning a sign on our grass what this is this is you know because well to be fair this is Tucker's entire uh Chuckle sandwich is most of Tucker's income right now that's just I hope I hope you know that I'm just I'm just making sure it's no no that's not that fucking money printer going but there's new podcast the Tucker and I are starting that comes out next week it's called take it easy guy we'll hope that if you guys will listen to Tucker and I do a little bit a little bit of stuff with this new project I think that that's a project I will do for but I don't definitely definitely a project that we'll do and we really hope you guys will listen in for that you will be close but that optional but yeah well shit I feel like I feel like I'm the member of the group project that did that did no work for that final statement but I echo everything that's that's been said you guys are are all extremely talented um great people and I'm grateful to have worked with you alongside these alongside with you yeah for these years and we're all still gonna collab of course not like yeah I was gonna say oh sorry no I was just but I was more for like the audience member who was like are they gonna all not talk anymore like no oh yeah um I mean you know I I said what I wanted to say to you guys but I guess to anyone watching this whether that's when it comes out or a year from now or a couple years from now I would say that the biggest takeaway from me from this experience that everyone watching this maybe could use is that kind of regardless of the stuff going on in your in your life or what's happening I think you'll come to realize that nothing is no time is more valuable than the time you set aside to make a memory with your friends especially you know a special one like this over the course of years and years every week so um thank you guys for for being a part of that um and that's all all right that's all I wanted to say well Chucklers thank you all so much for listening to this podcast and this has been Chuckle sandwich (singing) (laughing) (singing) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)