Christians Struggle - Roni Miller

I really, really hoped that we had a snow day today, so I apologize to everybody, because yeah, yeah. Okay. All right, I really didn't want to speak in chapel this year. In fact, I told Sean no multiple times. I won't apologize for reading directly from my paper because the truth is what I have to say would be really hard to do with looking into all of your faces. I won't apologize for the tears I might shed and for the lack of goodness in my talk, and to be even more honest, the ones that probably really need to hear this have ear buds in. When you look at me and make assumptions, you probably think I have this great faith or you might think I have this whole spiritual thing figured out. To assume I understand God and the path he has set for my life, the truth is that I question him all the time. In fact, I'm actually a little mad at him right now. This school year, you've heard so many chapel talks on the goodness of God. Well I don't understand his goodness right now. How can I feel goodness when my family and I feel so abandoned? I will never understand why things happen the way they do. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. And then I will never understand why there's pain in the world. I will never understand why people suffer, especially the people that I love. This idea of trusting God has been everywhere lately and maybe God has even talking directly to me. Dr. Bess gave a sermon a few weeks ago and told the story of Jesus calling the storm. Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly, a furious storm came up on the lake so that the waves swept over the boat but Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him saying, "Lord save us, we're gonna drown." He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up, rebuked the winds and the waves and they were completely calm. I get it. This is a story to remind us to keep the faith that even in the storm Jesus is with us. To be real, they're in a boat, probably not a nice boat. The waves are crashing into the boat and they're scared out of their minds. And the savior of the world is asleep. This is how I feel right now, like I'm on a boat without a life jacket. That's about to sink and Jesus is asleep. I've battled cancer twice now. I've had multiple treatments, been on terrible medicine and have endured so many surgeries and have had a full recovery. But I struggle every day with survivor's guilt and the fear of wondering when it will come back. Every six months I have scans that tell me if I have another six months of waiting or six months of trials. When Kenny and I were offered the chance to raise our family in York, we jumped at the opportunity, but coming to York meant our family would be separated until Kenny retired from the Coast Guard. We made one of the hardest choices we could have ever made as parents. I brought Peyton with me to York so she could start kindergarten and Kenny kept Aubrey so I could give the softball team the attention they needed. We had a really great support system in Alameda, California where Kenny was stationed. We met some of our closest friends there. Our friend, Carrie and Joe and their daughters Christine and JoJo helped Kenny with Aubrey every day. We couldn't have followed my dream without them. Carrie was diagnosed with colon cancer the same week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Cancer took her just two years after she was diagnosed. Her daughter Christine was married last year and had her first baby a boy. Carrie would have been the best grandma. My nephew Isaac was diagnosed with cancer in November 23. One of his treatments called for radiation near his spinal cord. The radiation ended up damaging his spinal cord so badly that he is now paralyzed from the neck down. I was able to spend a few days with him last week. We watched movies together and laughed and cried. Each movie we watched had main characters that fell in love and grew old together and I couldn't help but think about Isaac's future. He may never walk again. He may never marry. He may never have children. He may not even ever grow old. I'm not sure how you and your cousins are raised but in my family we're raised as closest siblings. In my cousin Monica was the best. She wasn't feeling well two weeks ago. She told her husband that she thought she had the flu. She thought it would be a good idea to go to bed early and to try to sleep it off. Well Monica didn't wake up the next morning. She died peacefully in the night. She had just posted about her son's high school football banquet. He received most valuable player as a freshman. Her other son received his varsity letter. She leaves behind three boys and her amazing husband. Dr. Bess also said that as long as we're in the boat with Jesus we'll be all right even if Jesus seems to be asleep. Well Jesus I'm in the boat. I visited Woodward Park, Church of Christ in Fresno, California last week. The minister was doing a series on faith. When they came to the crowd and man approached Jesus and knelt before him. Lord have mercy on my son. He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples but they could not heal him. You unbelieving in perverse generation. How long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me. Jesus rebuked the demon and it came out of the boy and he was healed at that moment. Then the disciples came to Jesus and prived it and asked why couldn't we drive it out and he replied because you have little faith. Truly I tell you if you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain move from here to there and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you. In the minister's sermon he said that Jesus didn't mean that we could literally move mountains but that mustard seed size faith could do so much. He said to imagine a person with no faith and then compare them to someone which is barely a little. Even though the faith is small how much greater is that person with God than the one without. There have been many times in my life that I had mountain size faith and in fact couldn't we argue that normally we all have mountain size faith but only in our trials our faith shrinks to the size of a mustard seed. On Monday Garrett Schwartz told the story of Jacob wrestling with God from Genesis 32. It was a beautiful example of losing joy while holding on to God and he reminded me to not let go. Then yesterday Matty talked about how God answers every prayer but sometimes he says no or not right now. Throughout your life you will experience struggles. Struggles that will cause you to scream and doubt God. You will wrestle with his existence and ask why he is sleeping but I pray you land in a place where when you doubt God you can't help but feel his presence. Work University supplied me with the tools that I would need when I stand on mountains and in this stage of life when I find myself in the valley. It has given me friends that love me when I am unlovable, friends that keep the faith when I seem to have lost it, friends that pray when I no longer want to and friends that wrap their arms around me when I feel alone. I want to tell you that struggles and grief get better but they are unpredictable and overwhelming and I would be dishonest if I told you that as time goes on you forget the pain. Every day brings a different emotion but you keep going. As we continue this semester and you hear all about God's goodness and I do believe in his goodness I think it's okay for you to hear that Christian struggle like I am now.