Chris & Stavvy Save Christmas! | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% Ho ho ho, Merry to bears miss everyone Merry Merry winter bears. Yes The best the greatest holiday in podcasting Mary's substitute to bears one James miss everyone. Yes, your Christmas gift from YMH this year is you have yet another week that you don't have to listen to Tom and Burke That's what we wrapped up, but I am they did contractually. I did have to be shirtless one episode That's what it is. Yes. Yes. Yes. We figured why what more festive occasion? Yeah, then two bears miss Yeah, yeah, contractually you had to go shirtless and I had to remind the audience that they're poor Well, you had to strangle a Guatemalan outside You had to strangle a gardener to get in the getting Tom's brain. Yeah Dude, I can't wait like we're having a good time Yeah, like we're joking around we're being silly. I can't wait to eventually get like a legal notice from bird-crisher's Legal team that like what we've said about him is not okay. I Feel like Tom doesn't care, but Bert will kill us for this Tom would do it Tom would Secretly have it done. Yeah, Tom would just over the course of our lives sort of like you would kind of make us you You see old boy. Yeah, where are they? spoiler-frenzied old boy. It's a classic He an enemy makes one of his former enemies fall in love and fuck his own daughter I feel like Tom would do that to you He would old boy you with one of your with your younger what would happen is he would fake your daughter's death in a car accident Yeah, then he would raise her right right he would raise her in captivity You know maker teacher about the Mets teacher about stuff that you would be into then he would like you would have a Traumatic brain injury right right he would he would make then he would put you and he's too car accidents We're up to you would make you have a dramatic car a traumatic brain injury. Yeah, Jasmine will move on everyone's for showing you that in rehab There's this there's this half Italian half Latina nurse who just really takes care of you you guys There's something special about your connection. You can't just put your finger on it He would make you fall in love with your daughter and then only after you've consummate it would he reveal that's for talking shit on Don fucking two bears. That's that's for saying that's for saying we fucking phone in the podcast I think that's what's gonna. Yeah, well, and that'll be like like you said take years and take years We're sure we'll just come and hit us with a baseball bat as we're walking into a funny bone Yeah, yeah, and then he would cry and apologize and tell us how much he loves us And you know what it would be forgive it would be forgiving. Yeah, I would know that it's him When the you know as I'm losing consciousness, I just see jeans and flip flops and Someone laughing at the top of his lungs when you just and my last words would be like bird. It's not that funny I know Willis. I empathize. I am people often accused me of faking my laugh, okay? But I really just having a good time. Yeah, I just love laughter I believe that and that's and honestly I'm envious of that because I don't laugh as much as you and Bert do and I what you guys You're getting it out. You're getting it off your chest now you and Bert need to get it off your chest because you'll have a heart attack Yeah, yeah, so that you're maybe that high-pitched dolphin thing is just something like it's something escaping his aorta Maybe that's the sound air makes when it comes out of four blocked arteries. Oh, yeah Now what now their Christmas we've at of course, you know in continuing with the theme of they don't care about the show We've asked them to send in what they're doing for Christmas. We've got no response So that's just the way it goes. So what are you doing for Christmas? What am I doing for Christmas? I well, yeah, let's well this year. I You know Baltimore Chris my brother had a kid Shout out to his bro. I have a fat little nephew. He's so fucking cute He honestly looks he looks like he could because my my brother is more blonde. He takes after my brother my brother's blonde He had blood He had very blonde hair when he was a kid. It's kind of kind of browner. Yes, but the baby's just like a fat little blue Eye, it's like a little Chris. He didn't gringo. Yeah, yeah, he's awesome He better hope that your sister-in-law isn't on the patreon Imagine you find out she's a hyena's fan and then we have sex out of revolutionary warry now And not her type Doesn't know yet not not interested unfortunately. All right. I'm sure there's others. I'm sure you've cooked other podcasters family 100% yeah, yeah, Chrissy Cox. We have we have a fat we have a fat little baby in the family beautiful So I got to go see him in the past in the past I was like my family can suck my dick sure. I just hang out something There's something nice about a holiday. I love the classic the Jews. I tip my cap to them because Chinese food and the movies Yeah, is an insane Christmas It's so much better because look thanksgiving and Christmas. Essentially the same meal. That's a good point You know what I mean? And so I've already I like to get my eating done on Thanksgiving I like to feel like a real piece of shit. It's contained. It's in four days right that week between Christmas and New Year's Yeah, it can get real dark. Oh, yeah, you can get real it can get it's like a fat heroin den Yeah, for me just all the sodium the bloating is kind of the the realization of oh, I didn't hit any of my goals From the year there's no goals zero. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're trying to you're trying to come up with your New Year's resolution You're like everything has been a wash. Yes, but also you just you eat through your leftovers Sure, like you the thing you don't I don't usually get through all the Thanksgiving leftovers because family splits it up Christmas There's you you eat through everything and in fact you then re up more new more new candy Yeah, you deserve it. I've gotten and I've I've bought I bought more pies right after I'm done the leftover pies Because you're just like I'm not gonna get my life together on December 28th. No way. Let's keep this rolling a little hundred percent That's a no so I like to make it I like to go out somewhere You can't you know have some Chinese food you'll have a little domain the next day But it's not like I have a whole roast that I'm eating for fucking 10 days and I'll just go watch Avatar I'll do mushrooms right so you do a Jewish Christmas is what you like I like to supplement for years I was doing a Jewish Christmas when I was just by myself in New York and it also feels like in New York It's almost like when in Rome right when in New York Fucking have Moushue and go see fucking you know go to AMC AMC 12 and these village, you're right, right? Yeah, um, you feel I feel very connected to the okay culturally East Coast cultural duty is my love, right? Yeah, I like it. He's coached you absolutely. I don't know ECJ. I don't know much about desert Jews There's not Arizona. There's a lot L.A. I guess it's kind of spiritually connected thing New York, but I love East Coast I grew up in Baltimore. We had a huge. Yeah, I like an Irish a fear Jewel. Yeah, I mean I guess he's the exception that proves the rule actually. Yes, he is annoying, but yes I do like him right, but he he came from like the real shit though He was like Ari was like because he grew up in silver spring in like I think he's like if not acidic very close Right, so the acidic face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I initially like when I first met him like obviously he's a great friend of us But initially like my you know my German you know when you see a face like that like you get up like it like I was on my High legs like that because you're not sure what to do and then you realize like dude that you know that that's just old wiring Right in your DNA. You're not that you know, I'm not that guy right remember going up on like legs like a German Shepherd Like when I first saw aren't do you think the German part of your family attended the Nazi rally at MSG in the 30s? Not only do not only not only do I think the bakery that is in Ridgewood Right catered I remember this but do you think any of your specific relatives were there so here's the thing I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna look in the eye and genuinely tell you that the answer is no from what I've been told through family stories But what I feel in my heart is 100% of course my grandfather he couldn't get in. Yeah, he's trying to scout tickets He's like, yeah, he got a fake take it to see to see Nazi speak. Yeah, that's really fucking funny I think because you know what it is. You know what it is they he's waiting for Hitler to come to the tour bus to get an autograph Well, when I was growing up, I did hear a lot about obviously you know the atrocities of World War 2 and all that but it never was I also learned a lot like I was the kid at 11 years old. I was learning about Germany in the 1950s About how when the Nazi soldiers came home how poorly they retreated and how upsetting that was too So you got both sides. Yes, I got both sides So I learned about that like the 1990s. Yeah, it's not really as much of a Tragedy is how we treated the V you know our Vietnam GIs right I think some of the unfortunately oh yeah, you know some of those got Yeah, I had a couple of those in my family too. Yeah, just some Vietnam guys Vietnam vets X Korean War vets at an uncle Korean war vet Just absolutely, you know go on drugs. Just get a little aggressive. Yeah, but you know it was cool We actually held his he held which show us his uniform when we were kids and had all these holes in it because he said he got into hand-to-hand combat with the Korean guy I mean, they was like that's what he says it was like knife combat and I he tells he told us he killed a Korean with his bare hands Which is like what we would go to bed at He would like pet our heads. Okay, good night. Yeah Wow, I don't know if it's true or not, but I remember being vividly told he hired a prostitute to fucking burn him with candle wax Those are those holes are all they she was trying to drip it on his nuts and she got it on his fucking she got hot oil on his fucking uniform And he just cut it out. Dude, I remember one time sleeping on my uncle's house me and his daughter's my cousins And we were like 10 or 11 years old and the night Consisted of like, you know, we had some pizza. What you know, it's close nylon pizza. You know how it is nice Nino's on Highland Boulevard like it's just it's not your doesn't sleep over yes yes so we he put us to bed at about like eight o'clock eight thirty to the movie Robocop oh we're in that like those scenes are like he's just getting shot yeah so Robocop I love that movie but it's not me too but like you know my mother would never let me watch it stuff so it's like we're watching Robocop and then he proceeds to tell us while he's watching it like some scene in that movie as I was dozing off would minded him of the time he killed a Korean in the Korean war and then I just fell asleep to that yeah yeah that's fucking wild it's a vivid memory of my childhood what was he like on the holidays so they my family so the way it works with me is for Christmas I'm go I go to my aunt's house the same aunt it's like tradition because I keep every year I tell my mom ma I'm a grown man now I mean I need to start my own traditions and I want my tradition to be every Christmas or at least one every other Christmas I take my family to Germany I want to see I want to see what a German Christmas market looks like yeah you serious I swear to God I want to take my Puerto Rican family of Germany for Christmas this is what's going on with your rebranding because I feel like for the first part of your life you were a crypto crowd yeah you never admitted that German you were kind of doing the De Niro thing where it's like you're really a you know a quarter Italian if you're really talking about it but the name gay like does so much heavy lifting right I feel like it's a it's an interesting time to be really doubling down on German heritage well I know two things happen ancestry dot com okay told me that I was in fact 98 to 99% Germanic 98 so I'm talking about so it's not even a quarter anymore the Italian is almost nonexistent to the point where I'm like was I adopted or like dad are you lying because you know and then let's think it's not a your dad got cuck's it's you look exactly like your father yes that's he's clearly your dad in the face but then my father told me well you know come to think of it like his biological father last name to Stefano so there was a talent maybe your grandpa got cuck well he was half his father was half German and half Italian and his mother was fully 100% German and then my mother and my mother's biological mother and father were both 100% German so that's so I mean you don't think grandpa to Stefano maybe maybe he was a cuck and a big German bull came in that's possible though maybe that maybe he heard about how mistreated ex Nazis were yeah it was like you know what to make amends why don't we go over to Germany and you guys can put on your uniforms and fuck my wife yes run a train on my run a train on your grandmother yes and maybe that's how your father was born was reparations for Nazi soldiers see this is the sitcom yes this is how I finally get on the air after 10 pilots failed all I need was to be to come in here and tell me dude don't don't make but don't make up your dad being in the mafia and your poor family don't lean into that no no lean into the other stuff the other stuff cucked out by a German Nazi and this is how you ended up here that's it yet and then so I saw that writing I saw the writing on the wall too of comedy really embracing the alt right and I'm getting on that train I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the furor of that yeah yeah it's true you could listen she starts going bad you get a hundred percent just become the the best Nazi comedian well that's what I like about where I'm sitting right you know what where I'm at is I could easily go into the alt right you know I got the German heritage got the you know hair I have some of the bits out there but then if that doesn't look promising go easily lean into the Latinos you know left wing you want to carry on of Latinos yes yes I'm I'm for everybody I'm for the table oh yeah dude I do you should start talking with it like put on Latino accent yeah you should start fucking doing salsa at your shows hundred percent yeah maybe that's interesting you survived black Friday but your family's gifting group chat not so much into cloud is the only upgrade that doesn't cost $400 extra into cloud is your online dispensary for gummies flower pre rolls and now zero sugar zero calorie sodas all federally legal THC DEA certified lab tested shipped discreetly this season make taking the edge off part of your self-care routine with flavors that hit faster than family drama the first time I tried into cloud soda it was one for one of our long long evenings with my family and let me tell you something it was phenomenal and the best thing about it in my opinion is you can micro dose it and take it as you need and see fit and then I get my dad a gummy and he was hiding for the rest of my family they have sleep gummies for post party regret chilled sodas for pre-dinner panic high-dose gummies for when your aunt brings up politics 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minoxidil can stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months hymns brings expert care straight to you with one hundred percent online access to personalized treatment plans to put your goals first for simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss weight loss and more visit hymns dot com slash bears that's hymns dot com slash bears for your free online visit hymns dot com slash bears individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride featured products include compounded drug products which FDA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for full details restrictions important safety information yeah because i'm thinking you know because it is it i do have both sides of my family do have obviously wildly different political views so when it comes in for christmas time it used to be a rule when my grandfather was still alive that there were no politics talking but now he's passed away and now it's doesn't even seem like it's a ruling more it's actually like the only way to get into my christmas dinner is if you start talking about projects that's how it's coming to me yeah and it's and they get bett you know because my latino side you know they start drinking coquito and if you know coquito is like the Puerto Rican agnog and then you know you get lit off that and they're like milkshakes and it's so good and then people and then little things start to come up you know somebody brings up you know i'm sure this year in New York City someone will bring up the mayor some bring up mom Donnie and ice it's going to start popping up you're fucking dumbass family's probably half pro ice oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah that's so funny because there'll be like what we're Puerto Rican like I'm a citizen yeah oh yeah oh the Latinos that are pro ice some Latinos are like get get these Venezuelans out of here I know dude I went back to Greek town and I was hanging out with my dad and he lit it all these guys do is hang out at this coffee shop sure and it's just a bunch of old Greek guys and it's like they all speak Greek it's like shout out to god it loves cafe actually some great Greek food shot it out probably my favorite that my favorite used to be ikanos which close down some was also very good or very good I don't want to you know I don't want anybody to you get mad at me but god it was literally just this got my dad's toothless friend who used to drive a produce truck just decided to start his own coffee shop yeah and then he just started cooking for like my dad just hangs out there he's like hey I'm hungry and his friend will just make him pork chops yes and then he was like why don't I just make a restaurant this these are the became an incredible it's my favorite regression on a Baltimore yeah because it's just a guy's fucking and his kids hang out his wife just hangs out there it's starting as a money laundering operation let's be real and then the guy realized he could really cook produce like you take three heads of lettuce you just see you know four fucking yeah you know 14 year old two girls from Slovenia yeah yeah if you get hungry it carried only to get it per day though I'm not I'm not made of money yeah but yeah and so it literally was just all there right and I'm hearing some fucking Greek I talked about how they need to get Mexicans out they need to get immigrants out he's talking with a heavy Greek accent sure he does not speak English yeah he's speaking Greek he's making in America an argument in Greek about how immigrants need to go oh yeah and I was like I was like where immigrants you understand yeah you I was like go back to Greece like I don't want to go back to Greece and I was like what the fuck are we talking yeah yeah the Mexicans don't want to go back either and then he was like and then it's like well we came here the right way I was like you don't know anybody that came in through yeah the people they would they would come through Canada right would come to Canada it was easier to get and you just it was easier to get to that border he was like no I don't know anybody and the guy he was arguing with it's like I came through can literally the guy he's talking to yeah was an illegal a former Greek a legal immigrant who now is a citizen and who's like a member of society it's like even it's like so people so quickly will forget where an immigrant that does not fluently speak the language or we'll say we need to get the Mexicans out of here yeah it's like I came in the right way it's like what's the right way you came in like a frozen box of meat going into the back of a diner smuggled in yeah you were hung up nude like a full land - Damn carcass, you know, fucking meat locker. - This is the way. Now dude, but you know, with Christmas in my family too, what's not, at least York family has, it's one culture, it's just the Greeks and maybe they're a little bit, but for me, - We have some honkies in the family now. - Right. - You know, we actually have a little bit of some white flavoring. - Okay. - That's gonna be the first, so these holidays, we're doing a little blended my sister-in-law and like, and I, - Now when you say blended, you mean someone, because you can't, in a Greek family, blended is, that has, it can't be a black person. - That's actually right? - Well, it could, but it's not, Greeks are not like that. - I am very lucky that my, I didn't realize how, like, progressive my family was. - Right. - Like, my mom is actually insanely progressive to the point where, like, in hindsight, it was, I was like, oh, I was very lucky with that. And my dad is just one of those guys that, like, whoever the last guy he talked to, that's what he believes. - Got it. - Like, I remember when gamer, like, my dad is kind of like, just, like, playfully racist the way a fucking idiot would be, you know what I mean, like, and I remember, and he's like, homophobic, and then, like, I remember when gay marriage happened, he was like, all right, we were in the car talking, he was like, all right, they can get married, but do they have to have kids? (laughing) And then I was like, hey, dad, what if, do you think a kid is better off in an orphanage or in a loving gay family? And he literally was like, I literally saw him like, stroke his chin and think like a cartoon character face. Like, I saw the thought bubbles go, boop, boop, boop, boop. And see, like, a baby smiling instead of being sad in an orphanage, and he was like, oh, yeah, I guess, if that's the case, it's like, well, that's what the fucking talking about. He just never considered that a baby would be better off than gay people, they didn't fucking an orphanage. He just thought, like, well, it's unnatural. - Right, right, 'cause now he's on board, now he's on board. - They're by the book, Greek people are by the book. Yeah, and, you know, look, I'm trying to get a little, 'cause look, I love my sisters-in-law. We have a couple different, we have Australian, she's from Australia, but she's a Italian Australian girl, her, this, you know, and then a white girl from Maryland who, lovely, lovely people, beautiful. I love them both, but I would like to sprinkle something in the gene pool, get something going. - The funny thing is about racist, it's like, people who do race science and talk about purity, it's like, if we really want to be scientific, and I don't think we should, I don't think we should ever judge people on, obviously, their genetic traits or whatever, but- - My grandfather is back to different. - Yeah, of course, he's got the calipers out. - Yeah. - Your grandfather before anybody comes in, he is science-seeding, depending on skull size. (all laughing) He's like, okay, Chris, yeah, he is like a shade. - Yeah. - He is like a fucking, these shades are allowed. - Right, yeah. - But scientifically, the more diverse that you have in your genes, the better you are. - The healthier. - Like the healthier, like the healthier you are, the more athletic, like, and all this other, what we really should be going towards, if you were a supremacist, if anyone's a supremacist, they should be a beige supremacist. - Yes. - Beige supremacy, that's the actual super person, is like someone who's like a mix of everything and just kind of in the middle, you know? - Yeah, dude. - But anyway, I just feel like, last, I mean, the last time I did two bears with Tom, we were talking about that. I was like, maybe I could get a, maybe I could get an aeroblady, black lady in the mix, something like that. - Ooh, but on that sea, but I don't know, with the Greeks, I don't know, dude. - I think that would be nice. - They think about the Ottoman Empire, what about that, you're gonna have to get, that's hard to get. - We do some role play. - Yeah. - You know what I mean, we do some Ottoman role play. - Yeah. - I hooked up my Greek skirt, the Fustanella. Look up a Fustanella for us. - Oh, yeah, I'd seen these before. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I just have my dick out in the skirt. - Nice skirt, there it is. - Look at that skirt, yeah. - I lift that skirt up, she sucks me off under that. She's wearing like fucking big sultan pants. - Oh, yeah. - The irony is, and I've said this in my special, Greek people are basically light skinned aerobles. - Yes. - We're the same, you know what I mean, it's like, we like kebabs, we're in the same-- - Are Greeks considered white? - We are Caucasian, yeah. - I think we are, and again, I don't mean to do my act, but I think it's because white people want credit for ancient Greece. - Right. - Because we kind of crushed it. And the other option is just to admit, like Egypt and Africa came up with a lot of stuff. - Yeah. - And they're like, no, no, we can't, we can't admit that like, Arab mathematicians actually did all this shit. - Yeah. - So why don't we get the whitest philosophers we can find and say they are white. - Right. - So I think we're pretty much grandfathered in because white people want to say, well, all the, you know, Plato, they want, they want Plato, they want the Olympics, they want all that on the resume. - Right, right. - But spiritually, we feel, we feel more Arab, to be honest with you. - Yes, you feel more, yeah, and I, as a, you know, obviously as a defender of Christianity and a leader of the New York chapter of the Crusades, I would welcome Greeks into our fold. - Thank you. - Only, but not, you're not part of the first wave. - Sure, sure. - Kind of like if we need you, it's like, well, like the British Empire, they kind of saw it out the Hessians. - Hessians, Kossaks. - Yes. - You see this as, like, yeah, yeah, as mercenaries. - Yes. - That you would help. - Yeah. - I don't see you as full sarrisons like, you know. - Sure, sure, sure, sure. - I do, just fine, like, it's not the first, like we got to get through like Scandinavians and germs. - Of course. - Of course. - Of course, you know. - And that's the irony about Greece, if you go real in the mountains, people do look kind of like, you know, like, you look like, you can get real, like, my grandmother is pale as fuck. And in fact, looks a little Asian. - Interesting. - 'Cause I think it's kind of like, you know, those mountains, like kind of Kossaks, regions of like, you know, Bulgaria, like, her whole family is now in Bulgaria. They fled the Nazis, actually. They were communists. - Well, that's like the bullshit and the irony of just culture in general. It's like, whatever culture you are that you're defending, tooth and nail, most likely, a thousand plus years ago, that culture that you are identifying fully with was just run into your great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather by the people you now say you hate. - Yeah, of course. - So it's just like, there is no culture. It's like we're all just in this together. - It's who you are. In fact, I was, I was, I'm fascinated by some of the stuff on my, on my algorithm is like, it's all steaks. Like, I believe the guys named Max, the meat guy and it's just like, I love smoking, watching him smoke a steak, watching him dry age shit, it steaks, it's obviously huge tits. I just can't, I mean, the second I look, oftentimes I will be trying to search something on my Instagram and be like, let me go see what Chris is up to, right? - Yeah. - I'm a, I, I, but before I can put in Chris in the search bar, I just see tits. - Yeah. - And I just like, that's it. - 20 minutes. I'm like, oh fuck, what's Chris up to? - And the other thing, weirdly, is linguistics. - Oh, really? I really have gotten into like, how everything is like, there's a guy who just like shows you how words start and how they ended up like, where did boots come from? And apparently, but the, the idea of a, like Italian is a great example of how fake this culture is, because when a lot of the first wave of Italian immigrants to New York came, they weren't even speaking what we think of as Italian today, that this is, we're talking about the 1800s, Italy is such a new concept that most places spoke a regional dialect, so that if you learn like, it was, it's kind of impossible for Italians like, go back to their roots, because what they believe, like that kind of has been flattened by a national Italian identity that didn't even exist when their great, great grandfather came over here and fucking, you know. - So you mean they weren't coming over here and going? We don't call it sauce, we call it gravy, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that wasn't, that's not mozzarella. - Yeah, freshen mozzarella, I mean, literally the Italian that you just hear on the streets in Italy was not what most Italians, Italian like immigrants in the 1800s spoke. They spoke a regional dialect from wherever they were from. - Real Italians don't even have Alfredo sauce. - Of course not. - That's like a thing that Americans made up. - Think about it for a second, that's the most American shit of all time. It's butter and cream. - That's the most flavor, it's like the mayonnaise of pasta in Alfredo sauce. - That's what you should be eating, market it like that. It's basically a Midwestern. - It's good though, dude, come on, can you live without Alfredo sauce? - I've cut it out. - Really? - I've cut it out of my diet. - You could cut out Alfredo and vodka sauce? - Vodka's harder. - Right. - But I don't eat that much Italian because I've found, you know, and people are going to mock me on my, on my, I am on a long weight loss journey. - Yes. - But I see the big picture. - It's pretty big right now, but I see. - It's a huge picture. It is hard to go from like, it's like, you can't really like, brag about losing like 60 pounds when the only reason that's possible is because you got insanely fat. - Right. - Like I got to 350 and that's like, it's easy to lose 60 pounds when you weighed 350. - Yeah. - Like I'm still 290. - You know what I mean? - But it is. - I'm under 300. - I'm under 300. - I'm gonna give you props on that. - I'm, I'm, I'm well under 3 these days. - I love that you're weight. - Yeah. - And weight always mirrors my cholesterol. - Yeah. - Like, and somehow my cholesterol is not bad. - That's what I'm saying. You're healthier on the inside than I am. - We'll see. I think that it's the clock's ticking. - Yes. - I have, you know, it's, it's getting there for me. But, I've cut out a lot of Italian food because it's just hard to make a low cow version of it. - It's almost actually impossible. - It has to stand in. - It's so hard. - Yeah. - And that's why tomato sauce is actually pretty healthy. So anyway. - This is the best vodka in the world. You're talking to a man who's put 10,000 hours into a couple things, eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife and if you want, I'm pretty good at the first one too. But this is better than pussy. This is the best vodka you're ever going to have. It's clean. I sleep court. My sleep scores do the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom Tellum. - It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. us and listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you, the people are the ones telling us how great it is too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us, this is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried Porosos, get out to the store. If you don't, if they don't carry it, tell them you won't in the car. - Tell them request it. When you go to the bar, you say, "Hey, do you carry Porosos?" And if they say no, go, you should. It's pretty frickin' awesome. And then walk out. - You know what I do? I go, "Do you carry Porosos?" And they say, "No, I bring out a bottle and give it to him." I go, "Now you do." - I get a bottle of glass of Porosos. - That's awesome, that's awesome. - But that's, but yeah. - Well, speaking of that, do you want, we got Tommy Bunz's croissants. You want to check out one of those? - I would like to. - What's the called again? Chichio Bamba? - Chichio Bamba. Is that ancient Italian? Chichio Bamba, can you see this in here? - No, they can't. There we go. - Look at that. - Chichio Bamba. - Chichio Bamba, so here, I'll get, you get the first pick. - Oh wow, thank you. - Come on. - Oh look at that. - Thank you. It is Christmas after all. - Look, that we got one with spinach. - It's still a little health. - For the health of it. - I'm not eating that. I'm going straight for the chocolate one. Should we split the chocolate one? - You want, no, come on, dude. We got a split one? - Yeah. - All right. - I'll take a bite. - Oh, here, I got another one. - Get out of here. Let me do a mukbang. - All right, so I have you have misophonia. - Oh. - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. - Are you the chef? - Well, they tap the ship with their fingernails. - Mm-hmm. - Mmm, mmm, mmm. - Are you a good boy? Do you want to see me eat this panel of chocolate? - Mmm. - Oh yeah. (laughing) - I'm going to take a bite of another one. (laughing) Mmm. (laughing) - This will do it. Look at that. This is, if we're doing anything we can in our power now to get this gone. - Ooh, into the mic. Crunch into the mic. - Uh-huh. - Ah, sorry folks, this Christmas after all, we have to take a Christmas picture. - What about this? - No, that even disgusts me. - All right. - What flavor is that? - Apple. - Want to take a little bite? - I might have to take a little bite. - Let's, all right, we took our halfway point croissant break. We'll end the last-- - All right, I'll take one more bite. - And then after that, we'll end the episode with eating more pastries. - Yeah. - But now, as promised. Mmm. - Oh yeah. (laughing) It's got a little protein in it. (laughing) I'll tell you what though, go check this place out 'cause Tommy can make a hell of a frickin' croissant. - This is actually fucking awesome. - Actually awesome, right? - Yeah, we were talking shit, but sorry. - Yeah, it is, and now it's just-- - Don't hold the boy Chris. - Yeah. - Don't force Chris to have sex with his daughter in 30 years. - Please don't do that. (laughing) - Yeah, I just, not now, not what the hell I'm going through. (laughing) - So we did have some fans writing some actual real questions for us. - You know what, we'll get to them in a little bit. - I still want to talk to you. I still want to talk to you about-- - Should we just start, maybe to really derail us, should we just start talking shit about all their sponsors? (laughing) - You know I'm down. - Yeah. - So what do you, what are we talking about? - Let's go check clears, and then we can-- - Yeah, that's true. What are you getting your kids for Christmas? - Dude, so we got, you know, the puppy, I told you. So we're going to get, we kind of feel like, you know, we're overwhelmed with this puppy, but I actually just was talking to Janice this morning. I was like, what are we going to get the kids? And we don't have any ideas, right? - No ideas. - No ideas, yeah. - What was your best as a child? Do you have like one Christmas that you got one gift that just fucking did it right for you? - I dude, I can't-- - You're an only child, right? - I'm an only child, and I, but I had a bunch of cousins, but so on Christmas, it was just like packs of wild children, animals ripping up gifts, 'cause my family really did go like above and beyond like, we would have piles of gifts, like really truly like, almost to the point where like, even as a child, I was like, this isn't what Christmas is about. This is actually not what Jesus wanted. But I don't recall, I don't have like a standout gift, like, and that's what sometimes me and Janice talk about, 'cause she doesn't either. It's like, we don't even remember this stuff. So we're trying to do like experiences. - You want a mere memorable Christmas. - Like the best, like the best recent gift that my kids have ever gotten from us, and my older daughter actually said this, when we, Janice and I went to Italy, like just her and I, little like vacation, whatever, three days we went, and when we got, came back, we brought home pasta from Sicily, like real, like, you know, that was made there, and we took, and we made it as a family, and my kids still talk about how fun that was to make the pasta, and eat it as a family, as opposed to coming home with snow globes, and, you know, I love Italy shirts. We don't do that. So we're like, what is the experience we can give our kids for Christmas? So that's why I'm like, let's go to Germany. - Yeah, and Germany is not going to Germany. - We're not going to Germany. - Human Safari. - Yes, like, give your kid a fucking, or you could take them to like the, can't you like shoot, didn't Nate Bargette say have a bit about, you could shoot like a cow with a grenade launcher and like, a tie lander, some shit. - Oh, they are. They would like that. - You should take your kid. - Yeah. - I feel like everything I know about your older daughters, a real, she has like a real alpha about her. - 100%. - And I feel like she would like to see the life leave an animal's eyes. - Yes. - At her hands. - 100%. - Maybe there'd be a good way to check to see if your kid's a sociable. - Yes, my daughter is when you start to start, you know, obviously all these serial killer documentaries. Like, you know, after you watch six hours of Ted Bundy, you're like, it's kind of like my daughter. (laughing) And, but you know what? Maybe we'll do for them. My kids are right now, a lot into roblox and all that. So we'll do, I'm sure we'll do something about that. We've got her some type of roblox, yearly pasting. My little daughter, princesses. Everybody's about K-pop and the Demon Hunters. - So like, tell that to your Korean war brother. - I know a war brother and father. - He would lose it. - He's fucking, yeah, he got stabbed. - I love that, you know what I'll try to do too. Like, I'll say like, 'cause you know, they don't know the difference. My kids, maybe I'll just be like, oh, you know, daddy, I set something up. I got you girls a face time with one of the actors from K-pop and the Demon Hunters. And it's just Ronnie Chan. I just threw 'em to you. - Ryan's gonna be too hard to get. Try Bobby. - Yeah, I'll go Bobby, I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bobby's, yeah. All right, yeah, so maybe I'll just have Bobby call in and say, oh yeah, that's Mira from K-pop and the Demon Hunters. (laughing) So that, and then my stepson, I think my greatest gift I can give to my stepson is just it would be to leave his mother. (laughing) And just try to have some way that I just make his family whole again, which if I can, she just get back with my dad. - Right, right, right, right. - So maybe I'll do that for him, I'll just walk away. - Here's what you do, you get him a private investigator to watch you cheat on his mother. - Yes. - You buy him a, here's $200, hire your own private investigator. And maybe, hey, if you catch me, you catch me. - Dude, but may the best man wait, no, you get him binoculars and a little notepad and a fucking magnifying glass. Find the clues that I'm cheating on your mother. - Yes, a little Sherlock Holmes cap. - Yeah, you know, teach him how to catfish somebody. - Yes, you know, he can use it on me. - Those are valuable lessons, man. - Yeah, you end up sexting your steps on. - Right, whoops, I, you know, but for him, for my steps on, he just got a bike, too. So maybe I'll do some stuff like, you know, get some gifts around his bike. - Sure, sure. - To get him like some pegs or something like that. - Accessorize, his bike up a little bit. And then my dad and my dad is in from Tampa. - Nice. - So I was gonna take my dad to the next game. I was gonna get tickets in next game, but he said he doesn't wanna go. He's like, I'm not watching them. I was like, I don't know. I don't know, he just, as he's gotten older, he really just like is focusing in only specifically on the Yankees and the New York Giants. - Oh, he doesn't have enough time. - Yeah, more, yeah, exactly. He's like, well, he's at that age, you know, he's like, we gotta get it there. We gotta get parking. I'm like, dad, I can get us court side seats. And he's just like, even my dad's just like to sensitize now. And I'm like, what the hell? Come on, dude. I wanna take him to the next game. My mom, I'll probably get my mom, just like, she's a simple lady. Get her gloves, get her scarf, and really just show up. For my mom, all I gotta do is show up on Christmas eve and not be on my phone and not talk to her about comedy and podcast ad revenue. - And then she's happy. - Okay. - You know? - Interesting. - That's cute. - Yeah, and then my stepmom, just a lot of cooking way or just buy her, you know, if all you gotta do it, my stepmom is buy her like a spoon with her initials on it and say, she loves you forever. - I love that too. - What about you? See, it's a little bit less stressful, I think, for a guy, like you right now, no wife, no kids. Family wanna take care of your nieces and nephews and all that. But you don't feel like the overwhelming wall's closing. - I do. - I have to hit a home run. - No. - For gifts. - That's not all, I don't at all. And also it's like, you know, I don't really, like we weren't huge, like I'll get my, I guess I'm realizing I haven't really thought about it 'cause the baby, it's like, I'm thinking about the baby. - How old's the baby? - The baby's like, not even a year old yet. - Dude, honestly, you know, this is like, I'm not even trying to be funny. You know, it's like really good thing you could do for the baby, 'cause what do they really need that their parents open up a $5.29 plan for them? I don't know if your brother did some crypto. - No, buy them some, put invests for the kids future. You start putting money in that today. By the time that baby's 18, I mean, they're gonna be totally good with them. - Yeah, I actually, I'm gonna, I did put a little money for them. - Right. - But I'm also gonna get them a who, a Fisher Price hoop. - Yeah, we're all very much in the like, We want to make sure that we're not going to lose. either to be an athlete or the gayest child ever born. - Sure. - Like we want him to either be, or honestly, the gayest quarterback ever. - Yeah. - How sick would that be? - 100%. - He's just like fucking throwing dimes and he's just like making out with his fucking boyfriend. - No, just picking up his twink boyfriend by the ass. - Yeah, he just, yeah, he throws a touch out. He just starts blowing the wide receiver. I'm just fucking down, it's all just making it out. - He just bends over his tight ends and starts looking at the ass. - Yeah, so after they score a touch down. - Yeah, it'd be great. - Yeah, actually it would be, maybe it would be better for him to be a bottom. - Yeah, 100%. - 100% - To a bottom star quarterback. - Yeah. - So we want him to be the gayest kid ever. So it's like, either it's either gonna be football or like make a make a brush. - Right, one of the other, but you do something like you do that. - Show him wrestling in RuPaul's drag race to which one he likes more. - Well, I think that's a good thing that you just raise. I mean, you say like, you know, dude, I've shown him football and-- - By the way, don't be down the middle, don't be boring. Make it decision. - Don't be some guy and fucking dockers, you know what I mean? - Take a stance. - Take a stance, one way or the other. - Yeah. - If he's just like a perfectly normal guy who wears fucking polos tucked into his fucking-- - So boring. - So boring. - I don't want that. - It's so boring, dude. - I don't want that. - Yeah, and then you do, you know, you do it all. Like you donate some money into his 529, invest for him. And then, you know, but then also make sure he's got one of those shirts as a baby that says like, I love hooders. - Yeah. - You know? - Absolutely. - Those things like that. - Those are good. - I'm looking for some milk. - Yup, yup, yup. - Suck some titties. And that's-- - Yeah, a tittie sucker. - Yeah. - I would love to get a message to his tittie sucker on. - You know what's one thing I did? Because I used to be in my family, like I would have to get obviously of course for, you know, my immediate family. But then when I go to Christmas Eve, it's all the ants and uncles and all the adults would get gifts for each other. And I actually, you know me, I don't like step up or say anything, I'm like, I'm not confrontation. I'll just literally go down a path. I'll literally dedicate a whole life to something I don't want to do. That's just, you know how I am. Like, I don't even want to do stand up. I don't want to do any of this, but I've just committed to it. So now it's like, this will just be my life. So, but what I had to step up and say, I can't buy, I'm not buying gifts for like 60 year old women. I'm not doing that. - I'm fully with you there. - So what I did was, and I got to give jazz credit. She's the one that came out there. She's like, what about an experience gift for your mom and your ants? You know, there's sisters, there's five of them. And I said, great, and we got a Broadway show. - Love that. - We picked a Broadway show. I did a whole day for them. I said, this is the day, got you Broadway show tickets where like Broadway.com, so just like a voucher, they could pick what play they wanted. And then I got them a car service for the day and dinner reservations. And it was the. - That's genius. That's the type of shit I'd probably do for my mom. - Experience. - 'Cause she doesn't like to do nice, I bet your mom is the same way. Single, like, I'm not my mom a single mom, but like an overworked mom. They never do anything nice for them. Like, we got my mom massage, and she was like, I don't want anybody touching me. - Oh yeah. - She's like, I don't deserve to feel good. - Yeah. - They've been so beaten down by the world for so long that they don't like nice stuff. - Right. - We took her, like, the first time we took her to, like her birthday dinner at a like a non-chain restaurant, she was like, can we afford this? - Yes. - It's just like, the burgers cost like $20 instead of like $16. - She's like, put an Applebee's, it's two for $20. - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, but, you know, I. - What is your dad get, your mom? Like, your dad seems like an old-school Greek guy. Like, what is his idea that I don't even fucking. - Did he even care at that point? - Yeah, no, absolutely not, completely checked out. I mean, he would get us, I remember the funniest thing he ever got us was, he got us watches. - Yeah. - He got us, he's like, nice, well, I was like, well, these are kind of nice. And then you look at, and I was like, so pumped to have it. And then you look at it. And it was, I was like, oh, this watch isn't like, do I have to like, do I have to do any new batteries? I'm not kidding, it was a sticker watch face. It was the fate, like, his guys would come to the Greek coffee shops, and they would hock stolen shit. - Sure. - The guy pulled up, he pulled up to it, 'cause my dad's a carpenter, he pulled up with a delivery truck full of nails. Like, he was clearly going to like, home deep, like, pals. And the guy was like, hey, man, a thousand dollars you get all the nails, and I'll throw the truck in too. (laughing) And my dad was like, I'm good, man. - No thanks, yeah. - The helicopter's going over, tracking the license plate. - No, like, guys would steal, would steal from the, from like, you know, random dudes would steal from Greek guys' trucks, and then come sell it to different Greek guys, like, at the coffee shops. So he would get us like, like, fake polo. He would get us like, fake watches. One time I was like, I want an autographed Michael Jordan basketball, 'cause, you know, we're growing up, I'm growing up right at the sweet spot of Jordan. I was like, you know, seven when the 96 run happens. And they played like a, anyway, whatever. I don't have to explain why I loved Michael Jordan. And it was Space Jam, that was the big one. - A big time. - And he was like, and I said that, I was like, there's no way he's going to be able to get a real autograph. And he was like, I'll get it for you. He was like, I will get it for you. And I was like, really? And he like, he never like made a point to promise. He would do anything. And then he just went to Costco, and you know how they have like the pre-signed. - Yeah. - Like it was obviously Michael, it was just like, a file, they uploaded. - Yeah. - And it was like, he was like, here you go. The signature was like, this isn't the fucking signature Michael Jordan, you piece of shit. And it's a shitty basketball. - Yeah. - It was like the rubber ones. - He signed it with a nice one. He signed it with his own penit like, ran out of ink at the end. You're like, I know that you did that. - He signed it in Greece, signed it phonetically in Greek. - Yeah. - Michael Jordan, there's no J in here. - You know what though, I appreciate that you said too, that your father never actually made it a point to promise it to you, 'cause once you promise, I think about that with my kids, because my dad, when I was like eight years old, promised me that he was going to take us white, take me white water rafting one day, and now I'm sitting here at 41 years old. Every time he calls me, there's only-- - I think it's the time. - It's deep in his subconscious, but there's a time where I'm like, I wonder if he's going to do white water rafting. And then I wonder if this is it. And now he's got like, you know, bionic knees. - Yeah. - He couldn't possibly get, he would immediately be killed if he got to white water. - Have you been white water rafting? - Never. 'Cause I'm like, I can't call it, 'cause my dad's going to take me. - What? - Yeah. - But I want to ruin those. - Yeah, surprise, my dad's working on it. - Yeah, but it's wild. How it's like, it's probably just a thought he had in his head because I was just being annoying. And he's like, I'll take you white water river rafting or something. And then it's stuck with me as like, oh, that's what's going to happen. I can't wait to go wet water rafting. - I can't. - And then it's just never ever happened. - Absolutely, 33 years later. - Wow. - I'm still like, yeah. - Yeah, I mean, my dad would promise he would be places and not show up quite a bit. But you got, you kind of got used to that. - Yeah. - It taught you not to trust authority figures, not to depend on anyone, you know? - You know, I have to do it yourself. - My daughter is like, she's in gymnastics class and she doesn't really like going. I just make both of my girls go. 'Cause I'm like, you got to do something. I understand if maybe you're not going to be professional athletes, but like, I'm your dad. You have to do some type of sporting. - I can't handle it if you have to do something. - Yeah. - So she, so she, they're doing gymnastics. And my daughter doesn't want to go. The older one, the little one loves it. And I was like, listen, if you can just go four times in a row. I'll buy you a pair of hug slippers that you want. So she was like, okay, so she went four times in a row. And then, I don't know what she did. She got in trouble or something like that with her mom. My cleaner room and her mom was like, we're not buying her anything. And I was like, well, I just made a commitment. I said, I got to go to the hug slippers. And she was like, well, she didn't clean her room. So she's not getting those damn hug slippers. So then I didn't follow through with it. This was only a couple of weeks ago. But I'm like, now I'm having a debate in my head. It's like, before I go to the airport here in Austin, do I go get my daughter the hug slippers and just bring them home? But then I'm going to be in a fight with my wife. - Ready? Here's what you do. You buy the hug slippers, but you say, you are not allowed to have these until you make restitution for not cleaning your room. So she has to like, earn them back. - Right. - So she earned them and now they're in the penalty box because she got them taken away. - Because now, because last week, because it was the four weeks in a row and she didn't get the hug slippers on her feet, she protested and did not go to gymnastics. She held out. She held out and just wouldn't come out of her room. - Wow. - So I respect her for that. - Yeah, you're toast. You're never going to, she's going to outsmart you. She's probably, she's what, 10. She's smarter than right now. - Yeah. - Oh, she already did. She literally, we wanted to get her an Apple watch. So she goes, so we would get, you know, I was like, oh, just buy her an Apple watch. And then jazz was like, no, we have all these old Apple watches from like a couple of years ago that, you know, that you just stopped using or whatever. And I was like, okay. So then my daughter calls me. She's like, oh, we're going to, we're going to put this Apple watch on. And I was like, okay, yeah, do whatever. And you know, I'm such a dumb technology at it. And then my daughter called, you know, because she has an iPad that she calls me on. So she facetimes me upstairs from the second floor of the house, like in the back, away from her mom, she goes, hey, dad, we're going to put this Apple watch on. But just so you know, your text messages are linked to that. So just be careful. - Oh, wow. - And I was like, wow. And she was, be a real shane if I saw something I shouldn't say that. - Yeah, so she was like, so I can either A, I can delete these text messages for you. If I get Ugg slippers on my feet. If not, you can find a new place to live. - My toes might be a little too chilly to press the delete button. (laughing) That's fucking hilarious. - Yeah, so I like that the negotiating. - I love it dude. - You would be a good dad, dude. I think you should, I think if you ever wanted to, you'd be good if you want to do it. - Yeah, I'm not opposed to it. I'm getting weirdly to the point where I would have enough money that I could just, you know, Elon Musk style nut and a stranger and just have a kid. - Sure. - But I think, no, but I think you would. - But I would like a loving, I would like a, I would love to bring a child into a loving situation. - I was watching this show, great show called Task on HBO Max. How great was that? So that girl with the bangs, like that girl, the Amelia, that's the, this girl. As soon as I saw her, what's her name? The actress, go down. - Amelia Jones. - Amelia Jones, she's incredible. I did, I was in a movie with her. - Well, I was gonna say, when I saw her, the way that she's dressed, you know, she doesn't look like this in task, but the way, no, she looks like Philly White trash. - Yes, her, the way she's dressed, dressed in task. I literally, I said to Jazz, we're watching, I said, "Didn't that girl "would look good with Stovey?" (laughing) And I was like, "Yeah, this, this, I was like, "this is Stovey's girl. "This is Stovey's wife to me." - You wanted to make Philly white trash. - Yes, yes, this is, this is like, I was like, you got to be with her. - She's got to be in tires. - That's so funny. - She'd be perfect in tires. - Do you know, I hear something crazy about this girl? She's from fucking England. - What? - I swear to God, we didn't play with you. - She plays a Philly girl better than me. - She plays it so well. - I worked with her this summer, and I knew her was like this like, bubbly British girl, and then I was stoned as fuck, watching the first episode of Task, and I see that disgusting Philly accent. - Oh yeah. - She's like, "Oh, get me a haggie." - Yeah, you're like, "What is this? "Are you garbage?" - Yeah, I was like, "Yeah, I was just talking like, "H-Foli." - Yeah. - And that, that disgusting voice came out of like a very beautiful, talented actor, and it fucking fucked my head up. But they make her look fucked up. They make her look like a Philly, like Philly's wife. - No, but I think she looks hot. - The way she is like that. - I think that's, I don't know. I just saw that. I was like, "This is the type of chick. "Stop, it should be you." - You want me to serve, to save white trash. - That's what I want. - You want me to elevate white trash. - Here's what I can tell you. - You know what I am. I'm Greek, you know, I'm sitting at the top of the heap. - Absolutely. - You're at the top of the heap. - I'm at the top of the trash heap. - Yes. - King of trash mountain. - 100%. So I think you either go with a girl like this or on the flip side, I could see you with like a real small tight, like Filipino chick. You know, like one of those girls, it looks like a kickboxer. - Right. - You know, like a cute and hot. - Yes. - I could see that. - That fact shames me non-stop. - Yeah, but it watches me every time I pick up a piece of pork belly she fucking slashed me across the street. - Put it in a dump. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like that. - Her fucking parents just have disdain for me. - Yes. - They have a nickname for me that I think means like, you know, honored son. And it actually means disgusting hog. - Yeah. - Like hog in Filipino. - I'm talking about like one of those hardcore Asians like displaced from a tsunami type girl. - I like that. I like that. - I like that. - And I like that for you. And I think that's what you're gonna wind up with. - Okay. - For sure. - Either white trash. - I don't see you going with a classic Greek girl. I don't see that for you at all. - Okay, I wouldn't mind it. - Right. - But yeah, I'm open to it. We'll see. I've just been to, you know, I'm too busy podcasting. - Right. - Acting. - Doing everything. - Doing standing. - Campaigning. - Campaigning. - Campaigning. - Shut out to Zoran. - Yeah. - I'm gonna go get a little fat, they want us to talk about our favorite, our favorite, what's the Christmas Chinese order is what I've been, what we've asked, which, how much time you got, brother. - Yeah, I know. - Cause you gotta have a noodle. - Sure. - Sure. - Let me crack my fucking knuckles here. - Oh yeah. - So first of all, warm it up. - Warm it up. - We're going somewhere that has a Szechuan chicken wing, like a spicy dry pot flavored with a Szechuan peppercorns. - Perfect. - You know that peppercorn spiciness, the kind of like lingers a little bit, gotta have that, gotta have a chicken wing. Gotta have some dumplings in the mix, soup dumplings I'd love, if it's not a soup dumpling place, let's get a traditional, traditional pot sticker, right? - Fried, it's the holidays. - Yeah. - We're not eating steamed dumplings on the fucking holidays. - No worries. - No worries. - No, we're here to enjoy ourselves. I'm gonna need, you know, just to get things started, we're gonna need a general sauce, sesame chicken style thing. - Sure. - For the plebs, if someone's not used to eating the advanced dishes, you'll be happy with that. I need a low-main, I need a shrimp fried rice, okay? If not low-main, chow fun, the thick noodles, I like a thick noodle. - Yeah. - Sometimes I have like a Singapore noodle. We'll get-- - Nice, it'll beat you. - You're gonna get a bamboo stick for chewing you for spinning on the sidewalks. - Yes. - And then we'll go, we'll get some of these places have like a cumin lamb, if it's like northern Chinese cuisine, or some kind of like steak, they'll have like a beef and broccoli you could do, but I would prefer a different type of like tenderloin beef with like, you know, just different, just a rich dark soy sauce type sauce. And I need it, but I basically know all that shit, you know what I'm saying? I need a couple of rices, I need a couple, and then an eggplant. - Ooh, I didn't even realize they had that. - Chinese. - They have this like delicious, like, my, I showed my mother, like this kind of, that kind of eggplant, she goes crazy. I'll do like a, some kind of green, they'll have like a-- - Gotta get healthy. - Broccolini type shit, Chinese broccoli, but they'll steam it, they'll put a little garlic and shit like that. - Broccolini. - Yeah, I believe that's that, that's the actual pronunciation. - Vincent Boone has confirmed that it's correct. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, he just, he's on the phone with Beijing right now. - It's a spoon. - And of course, all this, all this, you know, concoction, this smorgasbord of Chinese food, only way to wash that down a diet coke. - Literally. - Only way. - I won't, I will have a diet coke, or I will have a diet doctor pepper, 100%. - I'm a big diet soda guy, the, the Christmas, the Christmas, uh, uh, Sprite, cranberry. - Ooh. - I don't even know about that one. They have a cherry lime made, oh, oh, come on. - What about a cream soda? - I have a cream soda. - I, you know, who has great Dr. Brown's, have you ever had that? - Yes, I have the glass bottles, right? - That's a great cream soda. - Yeah, I don't know. I think it is Jewish. - Well, dude, I don't, maybe that's why I have not familiar with it. So, I don't, I, you know what's crazy, dude, and I'm being honest with you, because what you just said sounded succulent, sounded delicious, sounded amazing. I'm 41 years old. However many days I've been alive, three, six, and five times, 41, I don't, I can't do math quickly in the head. It's got to be 20,000 plus days. - Yeah. - I have had Chinese food less than 10 times in my entire life. - What? - Yep. - Get the fuck out of here. - Dude, I told you, my grandfather, World War II, fat, the Korean War, that Asian was off the table. So how many times you had Korean barbecue? - Dude, I've the most-- - What? - Like, literally, I've had Korean barbecue truly, maybe five times, and that has all been within the last two years, because I honest likes it. - Oh, dude. - So, there is something Greek about, it's primal, I mean, Greek people connect to that, watching your meat sizzle in front of you. I love Korean barbecue. I love, I like hearing that Yanis, despite our growing political, our evolving political differences, Greek men can still meet in the middle when it comes to eating grilled meats of different cuisines. - Yeah. - Dude, when my family, Chinese, was like, we didn't eat any, like, the only foods we had, whatever my mom cooked, whatever Greek food, or pizza or Chinese. I didn't experience tacos, I didn't experience-- we didn't even really eat Italian food to be-- - Really? Yeah. To me, Italian-- I mean, obviously pizza, but the Americanized one. That is shocking to me. I fucking love Chinese food. My favorite cuisines are all from the Orient. - Interesting. - I love-- if I had to rank them, Greek is up there, but Korean-- if my death or a meal is Korean barbecue. - Really? - Without question. - But that's healthy. That's high protein. That's good healthy. - Is it not? - No. Not the way I have it, baby. - Yeah. - You can-- I sauce it up. I get him. I see it when they come in there. I know they look at me and they think, ah, he's fucking gringo. Has no idea what he's talking about. - I know. The one time I went to the Korean barbecue spot, they, like, you know, they bring out the meat you cook in and the, you know, grills right in the table, and, like, you know, we're ordered. You know, we're ordered a bunch of stuff, this, that. And then I go, I'm looking at them and I'm like, can I get a scallion pancake and they were like, what? - Yeah. - Literally, the waiter was like, do we have that? - Yeah. - And I said, yeah, it's at the bottom there. They were like, all right. And then they come and just grill it. - Well, usually you get a seafood pancake. - Ooh. - And a Korean place. There's like a scallion pancake on steroids and they put, like, calamari. - Oh, yeah. - They put fucking shrimp. - And imitation calamari is pig anus. That's what they said. - And I will. He's kind of bacon. - I am interested in pig anus. - If it's like calamari because I love pork. - I love it. I'll eat a woman's ass. - We're both ass eaters for sexual pleasure. - Big time. - Why not culinary pleasure? - 100% to it. - Wow, we gotta get a fucking Chinese. Oh. You never, you probably never even had soup dumplings. You probably only know. - No. - You think they like, we're on the same flight going home. You think they like Chinese food on the flight? - I don't think so. - Well, well, do you think I have Chinese food in the Austin airport? Maybe you and I can eat a little Chinese food. - No, no, no. We're gonna eat it in New York. - You'll take me to, you know. - I want to, I'm talking about not to go. I want to sit down Chinese restaurant. - I know these places. - You know some spots? - I know some spots in flushing. I know I'm getting acquainted to the stuff in the East Village. Like, you know, on what's it called? - Fuck. - What's that street? - Anyway, there's Chinatown. There's like St. Marks on St. Marks. - St. Marks. - I'm getting more acquainted with the Manhattan Chinese food scene. I took my mom, this place fucking noodle village, hilarious. - That sounds like a slur in my mouth. - I know, yeah. - Yeah, what do you live down in New York? - Where you a village? - Let me guess. - This is your girlfriend's in from fucking noodle village. - Look at every fucking NYPD offices for Chinese. I mean, what is it, noodle village? - Yeah. - But they hold an orientation, noodle village. - Yeah, come on. - Yeah. - But it's great, noodle village is fucking awesome. - Yeah, yeah, I'll take you, dude. - I will, I'll take you. - Yeah, well, now you're in this, I mean, dude, you're in Manhattan. You're living my dream life. Living in Manhattan, kind of just free walking around. - Mm-hmm. - Doing it up, hanging out with the actress from task. - That's right. - It's just, it's real nice. What you got going on. - Yeah. - It is pretty good. That shows awesome too. Shout out to Ruffalo. - Oh, dude, Mark Ruffalo. - Yeah, who obviously as, you know, you're politically, he's with you. More with me, I was like, oh, I would hear Mark Ruffalo talk about, fuck this dude. And then I watch him. I'm like, I really like Mark Ruffalo. I'm in. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, after I watch that show, I feel like Chris. - But you know, I feel like Chris, I feel you have a little bit of what my dad has. - Yes. - Which is you are stupid. - 100%. - You're really fucking dumb. - Yeah. - And you'll listen to whoever you talk to. And you live in the suburbs and your podcast host is a contrarian conservator. - Yes. - Because now he's got to be different than what he used to be. - Yeah. - No, and he's basically gone the Bill Mar route where it's like, I'm not wrong. Everyone else is wrong. But it's like, you're just stupid. I don't actually think that you're even like that conservative. - When you, I'm not. - Yeah. - Well, what you said, one thing that you said in the beginning of the show when you said that your dad, what really he is is just whoever he talked to last is his opinion is 1,000% the deaf initiative me. So I've been hanging out with you a lot. So I will hit the group chat and say, here's the five good things about mom. - No, absolutely. - I'm talking ill. But then you're ready to redistribute wealth. - Yes, you're ready to put caps on. - But four days from now, when I've just mostly been with them, I'll text you and just tell you about actually why you need to get out of New York City 'cause it's gonna burn to the ground. - I can't wait. The thing is, a mayor doesn't really do shit. I wish people, I wish Mom Donnie would just like every annoying rich person would fucking leave and I could just afford a fucking brownstone, dude. I'll turn it into fucking, it'll be like never, never landed. It'll be awesome. I'll be the one, 'cause I would love to just have a fucking insane house in New York. No one's gonna leave. Everyone talks like shit, they're like, we're gonna go. It's like, no, you wanna live in fucking Florida? You don't wanna live in fucking Florida. - You wanna live here in fucking Austin sucks dick, dude. - 100% dick. - People have fucking ruined it. - Ben's his boon was sucking dick on the street last night. (laughing) - Well, that was just his dine off. He was just blown off some steam before having to come in and podcast. - Yeah, Torchie's talk-o. - Yeah. - Yeah, I love visiting here, but man. - No, yeah, New York is the spot. - New York's the best. - And it's, of course, it's expensive to live there. It's fucking awesome. You have to pay a premium to be somewhere cool. - I get it. - Go live in fucking, please, go live in fucking Florida, live in fucking, even here, it's like this place is cool. You know what I noticed, everyone who believes in California, they go to the most liberal part of Texas. Are you cock suckers out in the brush? Are you motherfuckers out in West Texas? - Yeah. - You happen to go to the only place. - Are you in Waco starting a call? - No, none of you motherfuckers are. You're here where they have fucking lattes, where they've had where it used to be. This used to be Portland in the fucking Texas. This used to be the focused, most bullshit town. And oh, all of a sudden, everybody who fled L.A., you happen to come to the most liberal part. Why don't you fucking idiots go move the fucking, go clear some brush, you know what I mean? Go fucking live with Walker, Texas, right? - Dude, I go, if I'm gonna ever leave New York and I'm on a quest to go full conservative, I'm going to, as crazy as you can get, I'm going to Ebola Afghanistan. I'm living under Taliban law. Now, I'm gonna show you guys, I mean it, I mean it dude. - Yeah, hell yeah. - Dude, should we read, do you want to see, we got two minutes here, one of these, a couple of these questions. - Sure, sure. - Okay, so they said, oh, here we go. Here's one from Brattie, Tommy Ballon. He says currently visiting New York City, what's your favorite spot for some trim and some bread? - What does that mean, trim? - Pussy, I guess he wants to buy pussy. - And some bread? Bread, is it like a bakery? So, do you have a bakery that you like? - A bakery that I like. - Oh, dude. - You must. - And I like it. Now, the name, just buckle up for the name. - Okay. - Yes, and I'm just before you say it or before the fans don't say it. Yes, I have experimented with changing the first letter of this word and saying it in the group chat. I've done that, I'm not proud of it, but I have, but the bakery is in Tribeca, it's called Rigor Hill. - Okay. - And it's an excellent, unbelievable bakery. He really did not need the preamble. You could have just said the name of the place. - Yeah, yeah. Well, I just did, I just wanted to get on in front of it before people started saying you know why he likes it. - Yes. - He's in Tribeca. - He's in Tribeca. Fantastic bakery, Rigor Hill. They have, I mean, croissants and things that you've never seen. Not as good as Tommy Buns, but they have the New York style. If you can't get out to Austin, Rigor Hill market, unbelievable spot. - I love that. - That's really good. - I don't know. - Now for some trim, you could go to West Garden, that's a nice hand job spot across to the math square garden. I don't know if they'll give you any trim, but they'll give you some hand jobs. That's a nice little body deep tissue. And then you just get rolled over. So you got that. - Really? Is the massage good? - The massage is very good. Yeah, yeah. I've never been rolled over, by the way. I've never, I've only gotten the full body. Never anything else. I'm a family man. - Okay. So I've never rolled over, but they have made you come through your prostate. - Yeah, but that's different. - You know? So, oh, here we go. Yo, Chrissy and Stavvy, got a pitch for a show. I'd like you guys to come take over temporarily. Please text me. Then he gives out his full number. Should we just read his number on the air? Ciao, baby, from Richard Barkman. - How much? - How much are you paying, Richie? - Yes, here's to Ciao, baby. Tom's a girl. I was like, oh, I can name my other bakery that. So, who do you think is more likely to win their respective league championship, the Denver Nuggets or the Denver Broncos? That's actually very interesting question. - I think it's the Nuggets because, I mean, the Broncos are looking really good. Now, look, the Thunder look insane right now. - 17 and one right now. - They look really good, but I think the Bron, there's just, they say the league or the whole league. - They said the respective league, like who's gonna win the end? Like who's that veteran? - The AFC, the AFC is, look, I mean, you can't call me as the Ravens. - A lot of teams have looked, we've haven't looked great this year. - Yeah. - And we are recording this a little in the future, so hopefully we're on a 10 game win streak by then, but the AFC is down across the board where it's like, the chiefs are weird, we're weird, the bills aren't playing great. Some of the best teams have kind of fallen off a little bit. So it does feel a little like the Bronco, even the charges have been weird, the cults, the Patriots, it's all, but I just feel like football is so much more random. - Right. - That, Yokeuch is so fucking good. - Dude, the thing is Yokeuch is one of the best players in NBA history. His stats are out of control, good. And he does it all smoking cigarettes. - You're thinking of Devatch. - No, but Yokeuch, Devatch does, but Yokeuch gets boozed up and smokes, too. - Did you want that he does? - No, but he gets boozed up, did you? - He does get boozed up. - Did you watch the documentary about the Olympics? - I haven't seen the doc on it. - A court of gold or something like that? You know, they get knocked out. What is, is it Slovenia, Slovakia? - Are you thinking of Slovakia? - Serbia. - You're thinking of Luka? - No, no, Luka gets boozed up for sure. - But so does Yokeuch got, he does. - Yokeuch was boozed up on camera for this documentary. - Respect. - Yeah, there he is. - Respect. - Serbia, yeah. - Yeah, he's the man. - Well, dude, I heard in the Olympics, what they're gonna do is just put all the Balkan states together as one team. And then Luka and Yokeuch would be on the same squad. - That would be awesome. - That would actually, they would actually beat, most likely they'd beat the USA Dream Team. I think they would. - Yeah, yeah. - All right, we would love that. - We'll hit some more questions next week. - Or never. - Oh, yeah, that's true, too. - Merry Christmas, everyone. - Enjoy. - Thank you to Tom, for he's fucking delicious. These are, I wanted to share on his bakery. - They really are, dude. - He knew the way to shut me the fuck up. - Oh, yeah. - Just get me pastries. - Well, actually, that's probably, yeah. Yeah, that might have been burst, dude. - This is lace, dude. (laughing) - They lace it with lightning strike. Go buy some, you fucking idiots. - We love you. See you next time. - Love you. - Thanks so much. ♪ Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert ♪ ♪ One goes top to swap the other, wears a shirt ♪ ♪ Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call, two bears one cake ♪