Chris Fleming Returns Again

Flowing ad budget on metrics that look great, till the CFO sees them, that's bullspend. And marketers are calling it out in Dashboard Confessions. I remember telling my boss, it'll be good for the brand, when leads were slow. Yeah, it wasn't. Cut the bullspend. LinkedIn lets you target by company, job title, and more. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 on your first campaign and get a $250 credit. Go to linkedin.com slash campaign. Terms and conditions apply. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen. Snacks. A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards, all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Feeling short? Feeling short on smiles? Does your frown need to be turned upside down? We got the perfect dose of comedy, 30 minutes of Scrubs. Zach Braff, Donald Faison, Sarah Chalk, and the rest of the gang at Sacred Heart are back for a brand new season. We play medical doctors who are besties. Just like in real life. And we'll definitely be up in each other's cases. Scrubs premieres Wednesday on ABC. And stream the next day on Hulu. Side effects may include laughing, cheering, and lots of high fives. Hello, Superman. Wave. I gained, I think, 11 pounds when I visited Italy when I was younger on bolognese. You rendered. And four cheese pizzas. Quattro formaggi pizzas. What'd you say? You speak another language? Un poquito. Un petit peu. We'll go with no. Chris, what the hell's going on, brother? Check one, check one. Check one, check one, check one, check one. How you doing? Oh, I'm well. How are you? Cold today. You're cold? Yeah. Oh, because it's cold in New York. Yeah, I'm fragile. I thought you meant in here. You are so small. No, no, in here. And again, this is. I've been complimented. Caleb was angry that I didn't compliment the studio when I first came in. I went to the bathroom and I heard him passively, aggressively saying, and the studio's really coming together. I was complimenting Nicole because they'd been working so hard on it while I'd been out of town. No, and it is gorgeous. And then Chris turns around and goes, I'm so sorry I haven't said something. It looks amazing in here. Well, because you used to record where they would do Trap New to Return. Yeah. You. You. You used to record in a Greyhound bus station bathroom and now you're doing IMAX camp. I saw a clip of you. You look like Mel Robbins. I thought it was the Mel Robbins podcast. Yeah. Let them. Actually, she stole that from me. Let them. I'm the first one who said that. Yeah. Do you think her family would recognize her if she took her glasses off? How did she get famous? Do you know? I have been trying. You know those podcast scams where someone emails you and is like, you want to go on this podcast? Yeah. I'm always getting invited to go on the Mel Robbins podcast. That's how I found out about Mel Robbins. That could be real, Chris. No, it's like. It's clearly. It's like 1269 ampersands at thedevil.com. That could be her producer. They want you. Yeah. That's all I know about Mel Robbins. But no, this is such a gorgeous. You have done. You have come such a long way. I've done simply nothing. Katie. Katie and Quinn and Nicole and Chance and Michelle are doing so much on it. Why don't you have a podcast, by the way? Because I think that something awaits for me in the divine. For resisting. You think you're going to be rewarded in the afterlife for not falling for this? Just key lime pies non-stop. One of those egg. If I had a podcast, it would be, you know, that place by Chloe with those chain egg chairs. Of course I don't. What? Yeah, there's like these. There's a place called by Chloe that has chain egg chairs? It's some preposition and yeah, Chloe. And there's these egg chairs by these brutal. Roadhouse chains. Yeah. And it's just all these like 39-year-olds like swinging, smashing in them. Yeah. My podcast. You got the boucle chairs, I would have the egg. The four Chloe chairs. People would watch this, Chris. My favorite thing that you ever post is stills of you doing stand-up. You're somehow. You're like. You're 10 feet in the air and you're like a blur on the screen. Yes, it's always blurry. You can't stop jumping. There's a lot of me kind of collapsed onto the ground. Yeah. Face down. On the ground. That's when I'm photographed the most. Yeah. Is when I'm just kind of like fully like. Yeah. Yeah, assuming the position. Yeah. Yeah. What. You got to keep moving. Do you feel like you're getting so much praise lately? I feel like you're getting really. Like people are really. Every time I talk to someone, they're like, Chris Fleming is my favorite comedian. They keep that from me. Do they? Yeah, yeah. I'm not. I tell you all the time that you're my favorite comedian. You do. I do. I can't stop. I compliment you all the time. You don't. You refuse. You came in here today and you said. And you said, you're looking a little fat and ugly, which was kind of mean, but I was like, it's funny because it's Chris. Well, I'm trying out roast battle stuff. We should start a Kill Tony show, me and you. Yeah. Oh, but it's like bumping mics where we do shoe fives. Yeah. Let's do it. And you're sporting the Uggs, I see. Well, I've become an Ugg guy. You know this. Me too. Have you? The jacket I was wearing, that looks like. It's like the margarine colored jacket. Yeah. You didn't notice? No, I noticed it was a yellow jacket. Canary yellow. It was. Yes. You're wearing a canary yellow jacket. Yes. It was for my sister. I gave it to her and she said, no. She said, I'm all good, man. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, though. Thanks. That's Ugg? That's Ugg. I didn't fully. I did not know they made jackets. I don't know if anyone else knew that they made jackets. They make everything. Granny panties. When I'm behind closed doors, I'm in tip to tail Ugg. Really? Yeah. I believe it. You're very chic. Well, I like the soft. Yeah. And you got. I mean, this is. You got the couch over there like this. This is all. Ugg clay. It is. And Room and Board sent all this to us. Qu'est-ce que c'est? They sent it to us, Room and Board. Who's Room and Board? Do you know them? No, no. Well, they're fabulous. They sent me all this furniture. Yeah. We love them. Shout out to them. Where are our cameras? Yeah. Well, that's me. And these are both you. They're just on different lens. One's really tight on just your mouth. Yeah. And then the other one's kind of a wide on you. Yeah. Oh, and I brought a guy who's up. Yeah. Your guy's up there. He has a rifle, which is. It's scary, but makes sense. He's got a harpoon gun. Oh, my God. Chris said there's something I wanted to tell you. Yeah, yeah. I just got back. I was. From Spain. I was in. You're like Dua Lipa. I was all over there. Yeah. I was in Dublin, Amsterdam, Spain. Caleb will text you. He'll be like, hey, are you going to be in Norway tomorrow? And then say, I never see you. I never get to see you. Well, come around where I'm at. Are you going to be in the Fiji Basin yesterday? No, Caleb. I have at least three dogs. You have so many dogs. Sorry, but I don't know. We'll get into that. We'll get into your dogs. After we stop. What was I going to tell you? Okay, I'm not going to say the city where this happened, because I don't want to embarrass this person. Barcelona? No, not. Well, maybe. Okay, here's what happened. Tejica Golpa? One more time? I learned it from where in the world it's called. Say it again. Tejica Golpa? Where's that? Chris, what if you're getting canceled right now as we speak? What if this moment is what brings you down right now? Tejica Golpa is every consonant. It's a consonant imaginable. It's T-G. I forget. It's somewhere in Central America. It's a place. Oh, yeah. It's a capital. I don't know things. No, no. You do. I don't. Here's what I'm going to tell you. I went on a date in Barcelona, and the guy goes, oh, I'm learning Catalan. And I go, oh, yeah. What is that? Catalan? Catalan. Do you know what Catalan is? Sounds like a board game. Do you know what it is? Catalan? I didn't either. I was like, what is that? He was like, it's the language of the. It's the language of this region. And I was like, oh. Yeah, I was like, I didn't know that. I thought they spoke Spanish. He was like, they do, but they also speak Catalan. And I fully know that I'm a dumb guy. I'm a dumb American guy. No, no, you're not. I know that about myself. No, you're very civically engaged. Not about stuff over there. Okay. I know stuff here. You still ask me questions about other places. Yeah. People be like, oh, you know the conflict. Don't be so sure. How do you say this? Catalan? Catalan. It's a language. And it's not Spanish. And I said out loud in this restaurant that I don't know what it is. And he literally goes, people will hear a very sensitive. He goes, people hear a very sensitive about it. He speaks like six languages. I go, sorry, I'm American. Big smile. I'm American, everybody. I love being American. There's something about us. Totally. We're loud. We're fat. We're big. I like us. I go over there and I'm like, I'm American. We're poorly read. We're poorly read. I haven't read anything. I don't know anything. I don't. I'm smart in America and that's what's beautiful to me. I keep just opening the Al Pacino autobiography and closing it. Yeah, I don't think that's one that you need to read. But it's the only one I'm drawn to. Yeah. So when he was. You told me you didn't know Catalan. I didn't even know what it was. Is the word cattle in it? C-A-T-A-L-A-N. Catalan. Yeah. The language of a region in Spain. We're going to get. We are going to get eviscerated. Oh, people are going to be very mad. The Italians are going to be very mad at me. They're going to Google it and they're going to share facts that they just found out. Yeah. How dare. How dare you not know Catalan? How fucking dare they? Well, it probably died off. Like, I'm sure there's some. Like, colonization factor. I had a really fun tour guide in Amsterdam. Yeah. Who. Mostly, I have stories to tell you about being in Europe. That's going to be my contribution. Yep. And then I'll ask about your dogs and everything you're kind of up to as well. I'm going to ask. I'm going to ask all this stuff about you. And my humidifier. Your humidifier. Your jackets. Yeah. I had a really fun tour guide who. He. He. His. He had the same cadence for everything. And he was telling us. He was like, so, this guy wanted to be king. And he told the Amsterdam government, if you make me the king, I will do your bidding. And so, they make him the king. And guess what he don't do? The bidding. So, the Amsterdam government. government kill his family in front of him and then kill him and so the consequence he is no longer the king and still to this day they are under dutch rule and so the moral of the story if you tell your boss you will do something you had better do it moving on like it was just so like yeah i was obsessed with him it was like a mad tv audition yes and he continued to say the consequence about everything he'd be like and so this painter was never famous when he lived but when he died the consequence he become very famous in death he just would say the consequence all the time and i was like i'm kind of addicted to you i love you it's very hypnotic even what you're saying and so the consequence oh i asked ali i've been walking around saying it isn't that a beloved character that that cadence i'm trying to place what that is are people laughing or consequence people are not laughing people are very serious there was an older man in my group from uh pennsylvania or new jersey you around there yeah that was very he was shooting his hand up every time a question came up oh like our guy would be like to answer it oh yeah guy would be like who thinks they know the purpose of the painting like i'd be like oh love like he was so locked in on answering the questions and i was grateful because i didn't want to do it this i had a dutch uh exchange student named pauline who wanted to teach me all about sex in in high school we were in french class and she says chris you need to know about sex hold on i think she was like 31 hold on hold on yeah she was an exchange student to your school yes not to your home no and she wanted to teach you about sex when you were doing that accent i was like why does it sound i thought it was a beloved character but just in my life it was you were doing pauline pauline yeah and did she was whispering explicit sex tricks she was like cosmo but this foreign exchange student yeah named pauline blonder than you could ever imagine like look like you know dead dancing in that new you know how poorly lit that new show is on netflix where you you can like see his gallbladder it's it's like he's fully trans you know how netflix is i don't want to talk about about netflix it's it's not much longer that we're gonna have anywhere else to go please don't please don't talk about that i'm sorry i'm sorry we need to be very careful i'm sorry you're right they're gonna own this podcast like next week no no pluto's gonna own this podcast movie i'm actually interested in movie movie hit me up there's one where you can watch the oscars and it's free but if the second the oscars end it's an 80 a day uh subscription do you know what i'm talking about i think it might be phobo yeah phobo yeah phobo paramount plus just emailed me they're raising prices they said we're raising your subscription i had it for sports or something yeah for you i have all of them wait did you sleep with the pauline no no no no no she was trying she was she was definitely she was selling it in a in a educational way because she wanted to fuck you she uh she was so playful about it um i don't know even where she was staying this was also this was also a class where i the i would um i would just say you could in friends you can say bone weekend to have a good weekend and i would just write that as the answer to every on the tests yeah and and madame mckayle loved that and so i would get a hundred percent on every exam so this is not good no no no no no no no no you shouldn't have been passing that class she lived four hours from the school and so if it ever snowed she'd sleep in the nurse's office if there was ever a chance of flurries madame mckayle you you would go in you go in in the morning and she's just a drool coming down never set foot in the movie theater i'm not kidding she'd never been to a movie this is mckayle fucking rock so imagine this is mckayle i'm trying to get mr mckayle to gossip so we don't have to do french i'm like hey mr mckayle what do you think about the principle and pauline's like and then a hand job no no if you uh an outdoor hand job wait why didn't you sleep with her you weren't attracted uh i was this was my junior year i i didn't even it took me a long time to to understand when that somebody was flirting with me i'm just processing how badly this girl wanted to sleep with you and kind of feeling for the every day she's showing up thinking of new sex facts to tell you hoping that you'll use one no i think that she was sensing such a hopelessness to me that she was trying it was like a tutoring thing yeah um which i'm sure is like i could see that being a rom-com that justin long is in yeah that i would watch oh totally with like bernadette peters like someone yeah someone much older yeah when you start you don't know where she was staying yeah i think we never really take it from the top do me a favor kick your bobo over on the rug please yeah i'm losing so much money in airbnb security deposits from just simple syrup you wouldn't you wouldn't believe how sticky my habitats are because chris what do you mean you don't know where she stayed she didn't have a host family i don't know and then we had two germans named marlene if you want it no that's too that's too far if i don't if i don't have it in my sight right oh yeah katie birmingham mind you who's katie birmingham katie designed this she designed my hbo special she did the set design for me and i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and she did this she's working on this whole set her and quinn she tiled this she did she did it's so nice you don't know if she had a host family i had a one-eyed tile man i'm not even kidding chris i'm begging you so everything everything curved which it sounds like a street joke it's not what do you mean yeah you hired a one-eyed tile guy polly stop at which place tight ponytail this is your place in the mountains no this was this was two three places ago the place in the mountains have i told you about the woodpeckers coming in no but last time we it's always fucking something with this house the last time we talked you told me the chandelier exploded yeah but i was warned by a ghost by that there's a door that swings open anyway we'll get we'll get back to that no get back to what woodpeckers are getting in where how woodpeckers are just they come every morning as soon as i leave smash their heads into the house yeah and they're getting closer and closer to the house and my neighbor is this guy who i call barb because i can't remember his name but he's he's got an earring he's like a libertarian like it's like a it's like an earring belly button but homophobic i knew all that yeah yeah i guessed all that he's like he keeps giving me discs to put up to prevent he's like those woodpeckers are gonna they're gonna be in your house in like in a matter of weeks if you don't stop this and i'm like if they get in it's theirs yeah do you feel bad that you didn't put up the discs no i had a neighbor tell me once at my house uh in kin city he said he didn't talk much to anybody in the neighborhood he would talk to me sometimes yeah and i took him brownies when i moved in you what i took him brownies when i moved in so we developed a little bit of a friendship i thought you were saying you stole brownies from him no i took him brownies no i took him brownies i took him i took him brownies and i ate them and i ate them brownies it's like an old it's like an old folklore tale or it's like yeah yeah it's kind of like a mom's but he told me he said put you need to he said you need to put a raccoon protection around that part of your house right there because they're digging over there they're trying to get in there yeah and um i didn't and they got in they got they got in into the house they got into the space under the house and it caused a lot of problems they were making crazy noises under there with their little burlesque hands yes they got in and they i called a pest guy and i was like you know if i don't do something about it he was like it's gonna cost this much money i was like if i don't he goes well one of them is gonna die in there and that's gonna be a way bigger problem that's the problem yeah that's the problem so you can't let the woodpeckers get in there chris oh no no no i what's done is done they're they're in you're letting them in they're i'm telling you they're like that close to getting all the way through yeah yeah so just pecking the side of your house away yeah remember when mark maron's podcast was all about the first 17 minutes was all about the skunk or the raccoons that got under his house do you remember that period oh you were probably in middle school listen to maron's podcast i'm sorry to him i have never listened to maron's podcast i think once on a road trip i got really mad actually my college improv team and new york to do a free improv show at ucb because we thought it would help us get somewhere yeah a mental illness on a level that you actually can't imagine unless you've been in it oh i've been in it i used to do bringer shows and on like our we did straight we drove straight and on and we slept on a guy that i'd never met's floor yeah who was a graduate of my fraternity in bed stye you were in a fraternity go ahead and work on all that no no there's a i mean call i'm still in college improv team on like hour 17 of the drive the guys were insistent that we listened to mark maron podcast they're like we need to listen to maron i was like for what they're like it's just something to do i was like music is something to do and so is being quiet i did not i was so pissed i was pissed that we had to listen to a fucking podcast and they accused me of being a dictator which i am there is a pill that you can take to put you down for the first 17 and then you wake back up after he's done and then the guest is on the maron pill yeah i took a 17 hour drive from chicago to boston and i wanted to go to a krispy kreme with my friend hartford that was added two hours to the trip yeah and i we got there and i had the krispy kremes and he was reading me the ingredients of the krispy kremes it's like aluminum yeah arsenic seagulls yeah yeah yeah your loved ones yeah and i am just i'm not talking i he's listening i pull over to a rest stop i don't say anything i i get out and i just casually vomit i just spew you know like spitting you made yourself vomit no no the krispy kremes i drove after driving two hours out of the way i had to pull over to a rest stop and just yeah yeah just let him out ha and then get while he's wearing the krispy kreme hat yeah then i get back in and keep driving we also totaled that van because he backed the guy tried to back me and He was backing me into a dumpster. Yeah. And Harford didn't want to, my friend didn't want to override that guy's authority. Yeah. And so I just, I hit a dumpster going maybe 15. There are, at this exact moment in the conversation, there are no fewer than 15 threads I'm trying to keep track of because I want to know what was supposed to be happening. Yep. I think right now the one that's coming to mind is One-Eyed Tile Man. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Joey. Joey. Okay. Of course. Yeah. I had a landlord who would, he was trying to evict us and he would be drunk at night and he'd call me and he'd be like, that's it, you're out. And then he'd pause and he'd be like, you ever see Steely Dan live? Oh, wait, he fucking rocks. And then he'd be like, can you send Joey your video about polyamory? Because he was, Joey the Tile Guy was polyamorous. Yeah. In this, yeah. A One-Eyed Tile Guy named Joey who's polyamorous. Yeah. Do we know where he is now? Yeah. Yeah. He's still, he's still in LA. Oh, nice. Driving around the coolest old truck. Oh, they always do. I don't know if he's still poly. Poly people, not One-Eyed people. Yes. Yes. He, you don't know if he's still poly. No. But he still drives around the little truck. Oh, yeah. And it's like, it's like a McConaughey thing. That's a beautiful life. Yeah. McConaughey trademarked, all right, all right, all right. Did you see that? When he went down. All right, all right, all right. And they, they, did you read this? No. And it specifically says like, whereas the all is lower pitched and the second right is higher pitched. They've trademarked the cadence. Jesus Christ. He says it's to protect against AI. So I kind of got on board with it. You know, I, I, I shamefully I'm okay with, with McConaughey does. I think I, the one, my one problem is he is like, um, he's using too much contrast in his photos of himself. Yeah. Well, you know, all those guys are like. Yeah. Like they're taking their roles right now based on whether or not they think it'll affect their run for the presidency. Like him, Chris Pratt. They're all right now. They're all coordinating roles, what they do and don't take based on how will this look when I run for president? That's what they're all building for. McConaughey and The Rock want to be president so bad. McConaughey, would you vote for him? Yeah. No. Yeah. No. What do you think he, what, which party? I can tell you that none of them would be rocking with the platform I'm trying to do. No, no. I can tell you that none of them are going to put out a platform that I go, all right. Yeah. I'm not going to see Chris Pratt's platform and be like, you know what? Yeah. Catholicism does need to make a comeback. You really think Chris Pratt would run? I think they all want to. Isn't he like on an island in the Pacific Northwest right now? Is he? Yeah. I think he's like, I think he's full Christian, full just like living reclusively. He's totally full Christian. Look, I love, I support all of them running. I think anything would genuinely be better than what we have going on. Yeah. But I think, I just think it's funny that you get to a certain level of being like a that guy movie star and you go. Yeah. I got to be fucking president. I think. Oh, totally. Like it just, there's something just clicks in your head where you go, it's time to be president. Well, it's a Marquis de Sade situation. A who? Marquis de Sade. Like when he had every pleasure available to him, he had to start doing fucked up stuff. Who is this? Like hunting. Marquis de Sade? The Marquis de Sade. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when you, when you have access to everything, you've got to start getting fucked up. Is this like a tale? What is, who is Marquis de Sade? I told you I was kind of a dumb guy. No, you're not. I'm like coming out as a dumb guy lately. How so? I'm a smart guy in certain realms, but I don't know what you're talking about right now. It's like the Catalan thing all over again. Marquis de Sade was like this incredibly wealthy guy. When? Probably 1400s. And he really lived? Cape. Paul Bunyan? Paul Bunyan thing or real guy? More Paul Bunyan than real guy. Do we think? What do you think? Nicole, can we Google Marquis de Sade, real guy, Paul Bunyan? He started, he became, he was like one of the first perverts. He was a French writer. Oh, he was real. He was real. He was a real guy. Nobleman, best known for his libertine novels and imprisonment for sex crimes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So that's what I'm saying. Like McConaughey, it's like what, what stone is left unturned? The press, the Oval Office. Yeah. Once you have everything. What do you get for the man who has it all? The presidency. Yeah, of course he was doing sex crimes. I'm looking at a photograph of him and he almost had no choice. I don't know. I don't know if we call that a photograph. I'm looking at a photograph of this man. I don't know that he had a choice, but to do sex crimes. Yeah. Some people were just born for it. You know, that's obviously not true. And I want to just say, he looks so rough. Yeah, he does. But oh, and the painting, he, no, he still looks pretty. Yeah. He looks like Hans Zimmer in that one. Now, why'd they do a fat one of him? They always do a fat one. Why is he fat in that one? That's gotta be someone else. Yeah. I thought he was a little more fanciful. Like, yeah, I imagine like a lot of cool outfits. Oh God. I'm a pillar of the French establishment. I mean, I've never, I don't know. I, I, I don't, what were, why were we talking about him? Who's, oh, McConaughey running. Yeah. Everyone wants to be president. I don't know. It's very funny to me. Oh, what I was going to tell you. Yeah. I went to a one person show in one of these cities in Europe. Oh, okay. Okay. I was pretty stoned. I got pretty stoned. Yeah. Out of my mind. You were abusing marijuana. I was abusing marijuana as I am want to do. I went to this one person show. It was, you're going to think I'm exaggerating. When I say this, Chris, you're going to think, oh, Caleb's being silly. He's doing it for effect. Yeah. It was one hour of screaming. Are you being silly? Are you doing this for effect? It was an hour of screaming. The only time that the screaming stopped. Yeah. It is a black box theater. Pretty full. Nice. One person on the stage screaming. Oh, you don't scream. Not screaming words. No. We're not talking. Screaming. Okay. You stayed. Stopped. Had to. Couldn't leave. It was a hard way to leave. You'd have to walk through the scream. I walked through the scream. The only time that the person stopped screaming was to drink a glass of milk in front of us. Stopped screaming. Came, walked into the room to start the show, sat down a glass of milk, stepped back, began screaming, screamed and screamed and screamed guttural screams, moans, body twisting, screaming, screaming, stopped, drank the milk in front of us for maybe 30 seconds. One of these big one of those back to screaming, scream the whole time. I'm laughing hysterically. Yeah. I don't know if it's what they wanted, but I will say at one point I was laughing so much that they laughed a little bit. The performer, like they in the middle of the screen, I was laughing so hard that I don't think they had a choice. Like they in the middle of the screen, they were like this. They're like, they laughed a little bit at my laugh. Yeah. There was clowning. Clowns are good. They're going to mirror you. Clowns. I can't get into today. No, I know. I know. You obviously know that's going to be a trigger for me. I know. I can't get into it with clowns today. There's six clowns in LA that if given the opportunity to do it, they're going to do it. If given the chance, I would put them behind bars. Oh, yeah. When the Hulu series comes out about the fucking clown scene. There's six clowns in LA that I would put behind bars. Oh, my God. Instantly. Really, clowning, it just teaches you to be comfortable bombing is really all that is. That's all. Being okay wasting an audience's time. And they're really confident when they do it. Yeah. Because that's the whole practice. Chris. Chris, I'm begging you. And obviously, the beard is down. It is the most cubic beard. They're naked for no reason. The clothes have to come off when the clowns do their thing. Sometimes in a way that you're like, it could have never enhanced the bit. Well, the clown master always suggests the hotties get nude. Yeah, of course. I think your clown might be naked. Some of the uggos are getting naked as well, though. You have to admit, Chris, I've seen some ugly naked clowns. Do you remember the first time you were asked earnestly if you were taking clown classes? Has this happened to you? Yes. The clown, they try to claim me. They say, you got it in you. Hey, kid, you got it in you. They try to claim me. No, because you write. Yes. You couldn't clown because you write. That's right. Not all clowns don't write. There are some clowns that write. Natalie Palamides writes. Oh, she's done. She's different. She's great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are some of them that write. But I'm saying, like, a lot of them, the reason they've come to clowning is because they looked at every possible talent, saw none of it in themselves, and said, I can roll around. And that's how they got there. And so, of course, you're not going to end up there. Yes. That's a lot of the clowns. Completely. Natalie is also the only performer, the only comedian who has ever, during my set, but we've been on a lineup together, I was doing stand-up, and the audience starts laughing at something that I'm not doing. And I look around, and Natalie's on stand-up. She's on stage with me. I want to do that at one of your shows. It is the funniest. I was like. She was just. Imagine just seeing Natalie. Why'd she come out? Did you beckon? She had me be a deer in her thing. Yeah. And so she thought it was a two-way street. Which I get. I mean, I get. I mean. Wait, can I tell you something that you might not know about our friendship? Yes. Mine and yours friendship? Oh, yeah. I came. I was in Chicago when you taped your special, and I tried to come to your after-party. I heard about this. You went to the blind barber. I ended up. So I went to the first after-party location, and it was like a club. It was like a cage fight, right? It was like teens. It was a club with teenagers waiting to get in. Yeah. I think there was a really wealthy man who was hunting people. Yeah. I walked up and saw the line, and I said, this can't be the place. And it was. Yeah. And then I got text messages that said, go to this other place. I went to a hotel. I walked in the hotel, and I go, I'm here for the after-party. And they go, ah. One moment. Ramon, a man named Ramon comes over and walks me down a staircase into a basement. That guy was the fucking worst. I got. I escorted him to a speakeasy. He turned me away. What? Yeah. well how'd you get in uh i forget i was so out of it yeah anyway but you were there i go to the speakeasy you're not there let me for the for the record i did not select a speakeasy i go i go to the speakeasy i am so against speakeasy it was the backup venue because your first place didn't work yes and then i ended up in the speakeasy yes i'm bad at places if it were up to me it would be a field yeah yeah yeah and i just i i wasn't there for long yeah because i said chris is not coming what i convinced myself you weren't gonna come i was like this is some kind of bit yeah some sort of performance piece there was a lady who was at the stage door who wanted to tell me that i bought her car i i just shot the special two shows so i'm so i'm a complete husk yeah i'm just like and there's a woman's like you bought my car please believe me and you need to do this to the battery because she was right the battery i i was needing to get the car jumped every morning i need to turn the bat because it's this like this car it's like a six pound car this is it's true like a meep meep this is the one that's like european it drives on the wrong japanese i drive on the wrong side and you don't you keep getting pulled over cops are like they cops drive by and they're like do we shoot should we shoot the tire you know no we know what we got bigger fish to fry but i'm almost getting i'm almost going away for a long time in that thing yeah every every single day and she told you a trick about the battery that worked finally well then good that she found you right you wouldn't believe i thought that you could get roadside assistance by geico for free but if you jump it continually yeah like you wouldn't believe and also i already it's already hiked up because i well i won't get into what i've done on the road i treat my neighborhood like it's my driveway yeah so i do a lot of i a lot of rolling stops you know you're not stopping fully at stop signs in in your neighborhood of course it's your neighborhood yeah that's okay roll it's considered a rolling stop on a vespa yeah i use my legs a lot to drive because my legs there's good there's more my legs knees are more dexterous than these god gave you legs for a reason yeah drive with them god gave me the ladies for a reason yeah the girls yeah as i call them you do i said where are the girls and you come skimpering in yeah madam mademoiselle exactly you know this is my comedy leg and this is my this is the leg i tore my meniscus irish irish step dancing when i was in high school in my bedroom i can't did you have to have surgery oh of course i did i had they told me i'd never dance again and i had to recover under i printed out a tiny there's a tiny little clipping of michael flatley lord of the dance i don't know he has every cluster b personality disorder okay okay i had a little clipping of him and i'm recovering in my bed underneath this and i he was just out of arm's reach i couldn't tear him down because i was trying to be like michael flatley yeah in my bedroom have you danced since oh yeah you should irish socially yeah okay no i was a dance minor in college almost really dance like concentration you were almost a dance minor that's the choreography class yeah yeah wait what did you get surgery for i had football forget it i can't think of something more delineating between the two of us than that both of us had surgery in high school connecting piece yeah both of them were on our knees yes which knee uh right yeah me too you know something crazy house left uh put your stage right in your favor put your put your fingers right in the middle of your feet put your put your fingers right here where mine are i thought you'd never ask and then get your foot off of my foot sorry he's boundary hold on you better not be doing a party right now no it's because what is it turn my angle weird hold on i'm gonna untangle from you okay okay what am i feeling for hold on oh i'm hearing something hold on you better not be doing pilates right now not doing it anymore oh there it goes okay here yeah i'll bring you up like this okay yeah the way this is gonna go viral on tumblr oh you felt it you felt it what is that well that's my fake my fake um my thing from my surgery yeah my um cartilage in between the two bones had gotten like uh like the two this bone and this bone were rubbing against each other and snapping off on the ends and my coach told me to stop being a and play through it and i did and then i had to get surgery and then after i got surgery i was like 15 yeah my mom was like you can keep playing football if you want but i would recommend finding something else to do yeah and i did i started doing student council yeah that's much better yeah did you have anything did you get along with the football people oh um is there anything that it'll do or no i'm trying to think no fun pops or anything oh i mean nothing predictable um well if you don't have one if you if you grab both of these and you start swinging me around like an old laundry basket yeah i'll start to scream oh well let's do it let's do it later miss pat picked me up like that once and i'm on a panel i love being here with you who miss pat oh i love being here with you i don't know her oh she's wonderful i've only heard of her oh she's amazing she seems great so funny yeah yeah she picked me up truly like a picnic basket why did she pick you up it was it was in context but she grabbed me by i guess i'm asking what the context is i can get i can get really small oh we were just we were just on a panel really small i drew i can get super small i'm like an octa you know how octopi can go down the drain yeah that's you yeah you were on a panel and she had to pick you up yeah yeah we were carrying the panel because there was a lot of like quiet people were kind of just of course of course and we were just saying shit and not understanding each other and yeah i think she was i think was a punitive measure how often are you getting invited to something and saying no what would you think like i'm in like the hundreds per day at this point yeah you say you say no i love i'm not taking i'm not talking interpersonally there would be no valor in turning down like hanging out with oh no no like work events oh yeah the things that they come up with to invite you to i mean don't you just find it's like it gets crazier every day completely like the sticky awards would really love to have you show face on the green carpet the sticky award they need you to show up on the green carpet they need you they need you there and it's in buffalo and it's in buffalo and it's in buffalo and a comedian you don't like is hosting yeah just so you know and they'd love to have a budget it's weird you it's it's never adjacent to what you to like the taste that you think would like you either yeah it's it i don't know how it how it happens yeah i i often uh forget to respond to things that's okay and um that's that's i feel like you say no a lot i feel like you're i i start i live at no and i have to be dragged out of it with a knife to my throat yeah i would say is how i would describe my approach to going to things like events or like work things work like like even like or even guesting on podcasts i'm sure you're saying no to i don't go on a lot of podcasts i go on my friends podcasts i'll go like when i'm promoting something i'll i'm sure the next time i have to promote something i'll go on a bunch but that's not because i'm better than it or anything it's just because i spend so much time doing my own podcast that if i say yes to all these other podcasts all of a sudden 12 hours a week i'm podcasting well if you do the wrong podcast you truly feel like you're at the gynecologist the way that they're it's really bad yeah it's really really bad yeah it shaves six to eight hours a week it's really really bad months off my life yeah doing the wrong ones 100 and you know the second it starts you go oh i made a big mistake yeah when it's like oh yeah i just i get really really scared chris why are you the way you are oh god well answer them chris hold on answer them there's something about a new workout set there's something about a new workout set that makes you feel unstoppable the problem buying new gear all the time isn't realistic but when you join fabletics as a vip that'll all change new vips unlock insane savings on their first outfits so getting that fresh set boost is suddenly totally doable i legitimately love their stuff it's so comfortable and cute the quality is out of this world fabletics pieces feel like the kind of high-end activewear you'd easily pay a couple hundred dollars for but you get that same premium fit and durability for a tiny fraction of the fraction of the price for a tiny fraction of the price for a tiny fraction of the price in all seriousness at that point the vip membership basically pays for itself and the fit dialed in no 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Well, these tools are here to help. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash showtrue. That's rocketmoney.com slash showtrue, rocketmoney.com slash showtrue. Say it three times so you don't forget. Hey guys, this episode is sponsored by our friends at TruFru. In a world where there's hundreds, if not thousands of options, when you're looking for an exciting new snack to try, TruFru is making that choice easier than ever. I actually really love eating these. My favorite flavor is probably the blueberries. TruFru is made with real fruit and real chocolate or yogurt, and you can taste the quality in each bite. Taste the quality in each bite. You keep them in the freezer to ensure they stay fresh and ready to grab. Fresh and ready to grab! When you want something sweet, like me. TruFru is the ultimate treat that's also made from real ingredients, so it feels like a better dessert option without sacrificing taste. Why is this so fun? They're perfect for everyday snacking on any occasion. Grab a handful of TruFru when you're watching TV, or maybe when you're winding down at the end of a long day with your sweetheart. Or put them out on the kitchen table next time you're hosting friends and watch the feeding frenzy begin. Gosh darn it. Be sure to save a bag for yourself, though. Trust me, they go fast. So next time you're at the grocery store, be on the lookout for those blue bags with fruit found in the freezer aisle. Thank you, TruFru, for sponsoring this episode. I actually do eat these things, and they're delicious, Chance. I love TruFru, sir. You're really good at preserving, I think, yourself, probably. Well, I need to be hanging out most of the time. Yeah. That's part of my. That's so smart. We need to be having nothing to do most of the time. Don't you think? Yeah. A day where there's something on my calendar is tyranny. Same. I feel like no one has ever gone through anything worse than what I have to go through if I have a four o'clock, 20-second call. Yeah. No, for real. It's. I truly am like, this is. I've long said this. This is Dust Bowl era. Yes. Me and my hound. Yeah, yeah. I have my. Going from town to town. What's it called? Rucksack. Yes, but there's another one. Catalan? No, you put it over your shoulder. My. Bindle. You know Bindle? Bindle? Bindle. It's a bisexual Kindle? No. Okay. You take, like, a cloth, and you tie it around a stick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know a Bindle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know a Bindle. Donald Duck would use it when he'd fall on hard times. Yeah. When Daisy would kick him out. The Ant. For cheating. Do you think he cheated? I know he cheated. Have you ever cheated? No. No. No. Me neither, but I'm fascinated by it. By cheating? Yeah, because it is hot. In fiction, it's hot. You know, don't you think people are probably having a really hot time? Here's what I'm saying. Do I cheat? No, I'm not a cheater. I've always been of the mind that if you're not enjoying someone, you should just leave them and go do what you wanted to do. However, I think people who are cheating are having a very hot time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think when they're cheating, they're going, fuck, this is so hot that I'm cheating right now. I think that's why they do it. I think, yes. I think this is a lot of what you see at a certain type of bad restaurant. You see a lot of people cheating. A lot of, like, guys in their, bald guys in their 50s. I'm scared. Oh, I think that whenever you see a guy in blazer and jeans. Yeah. He's at least trying to cheat. He wants to cheat. Yeah. He's open to cheating. Or the Seinfeld sneakers with suit trying to cheat. Wow. Yeah. That's really scary to think about. Trying and failing to cheat. I think there is, if you, if you don't even pull that, if you hit your chin on the pool and don't pull it off. Yeah. I think there is a ring of hell for that. Yeah. That's a really good point. Airport bars. I got really scared when you said bad restaurant, because I think you might be talking about some of my favorite places. Well, I have terrible, you know, I've never given a restaurant recommend. No one's ever come to me for restaurant recs. That makes sense to me. People don't want to know where I eat. Yeah. You know, I'm mostly. I do, but I don't want to go. I'm post food. I'm mostly drinking stuff. I know you, I'm really actually starting to get, I know it's been like a thing we've talked a lot about in our friendship and it's been kind of a recurring theme when you've come on the show. I am approaching a point where I'm worried about your Boba consumption. Oh, oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Your Boba consumption is getting out of control. Well, there's a theory that I metabolize sugar like, like alcohol, so I might be getting fucked up. Like I may have just the reason why I, when I was drinking, it may have just been the mixers that were fucking me up. I think I've told you this. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You said there's a theory that, and then by that you just mean you've kind of thought maybe. People DM me, Hey, I think this is what's happening. Like a lot of like, um, I hope they're medical people, but there's like a way that sugar can be metabolized. They're not just with all my love. They are not, they are not medical people. Maybe. Yeah. You might be right. Yeah. But no, I, I, I should, I should cut back on Boba, but I'm just worried. I'm just worried about your dependency on it. Not because I care about what you put in your body. I don't worry about that kind of stuff. I just mean what's going to happen someday. If you don't have access to Boba, I thought about like a yellow Jack's Jack second on the top, a yellow jackets. Exactly like that. Yeah. I'd go crazy. Yeah. I mean, I would write a manifesto day one. I'm not being able to have Boba. I would occupy a state building the second. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm telling you, you're going to see me on the roof and a muumuu. Yeah. Yeah. Occupying a state. Must get on the back. Yeah. Please. I'm. I really do. I'm concerned about the day this happens. What's your crutch? My crutch. Oh, everything. I eat. Hor. I love to have a good time. Yes. Keep the party going too. Carpe diem. I like to have a Dr. Pepper. I like to have a big ice vanilla latte. I'll tell you something about Europe. They think they got a lot of things figured out. Their buildings may be older. Their languages may be more beautiful, but America is the greatest fucking country on earth because we have ice vanilla lattes on every corner. Yes. They don't do vanilla. They won't figure out how to do ice in the lattes. A lot of them. And they're small, right? It's like little. Little Dixie cups. And they think they're just so much better than us because they're all thin and cultured and they've been. They've been to a million countries. And they resolve their issues with each other if they have interpersonal stuff. It just makes me upset. Yeah. I love traveling. I get really angry when I go there. To Europe? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a beautiful time looking at the museums, but the coffee situation is out of control. You know I'm coming over here. Make me one. Totally. I found some. I found a vanilla syrup plug in Amsterdam. But what? The young ladies who worked at the coffee shop I was staying next to in Amsterdam. Vanilla is not on the menu. But I went in. I said, is it possible for me to get an ice vanilla latte? I know. I know. I know. Kill me. Shoot me dead. And they go. They laughed. And they said, it's not on the menu, but we have some that we keep just for us. We'll give you some. And every day I was in Amsterdam, I went and they made me an ice vanilla latte. Except for on the fourth day, I go in there, new girl working. And I go, hey, some of the other people who work here have been hooking me up with an ice vanilla latte. I don't know if you'd be interested in perhaps doing the same. Throw me a bone. She goes, we don't have vanilla on the menu. Right. I go, no, no. I know. I just, I know that right in that little fridge over there. She was a company man. And it's sick. It's sick. And she would inform on me in a Nazi situation, by the way. Oh, yeah. She's just, she's a component of the state of Kong. Let's keep cupping the balls of the man. You know who that is? That's someone who retweets SNL videos. Yeah. Yeah. Just corporate. Doing grassroots organizing for Lorne Michaels. I said, I know, but there's a bottle back there. And she goes, I don't know what you're talking about. I said, okay, I'll have just a latte, ice latte. I'll put sugar in it. I'll put some of that brown sugar in it that doesn't dissolve. That's what I'll do. Sounds good. I'm pissed. We were talking about it before the episode. I'm mad. Yeah. I saw you punching the drywall. I had a bad coffee every day. You could, I had an old boss at a coffee shop who would smuggle ABBA records into Iran back in the day when it wasn't allowed. You could do this with vanilla syrup. Yeah. Into Amsterdam. They have it. They have access to it. Ah. They just don't want to use it. It's a private stash. They don't want to use it for the customers. They don't want Americans to come around, I think. Yeah. I think they don't like us. Which isn't fair. I'm not the government. I'm just Caleb. It's tough to be disliked. I freak out the second someone dislikes me. Really? Oh, yeah. I feel like you're so impervious to that sort of thing. Do you have a fragile ego? Oh, so fragile. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Very much so. Really? But I'm usually pretty tolerated. Yeah. People haven't- Well, I just downright love you. People haven't had a hard time with me. Yeah. Typically, it's like, okay. You get away with murder, actually. Oh, yeah. You say things about people that I'm like, if I did that, I would be in trouble. Oh, but it only makes them wilder for me when I say it. Yeah. Or bigly, it won't stop ringing me. Yeah. Have you said things about Mike? Oh, so many things. Yeah. I can't stop talking about him. You really get away with these things. I don't know how. Yeah. I think it's a kink people have. Yeah. Yeah. They want you to talk about them. Yeah. I did this about someone recently where someone was like, you can't do that. Really? Yeah. I forget who it was. Wait, they hit you up, the person you were talking about? No. My friends were like, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'd love if you did a bit about me. I mean that. I could never. I would love if you did. No. I recently convinced a musician friend to put me in a song. Album's not out yet, but I'm in there. You're like. I'm low in the mix. My name is low in the mix. Oh, it's like a background vocal? Yeah, I wouldn't say background, but. In what context? Keylo. Almost. Who's the musician? I can't say. You're always hanging out with, you're like popping up with like the. The harpsichord player from Florence and the Machine. You ever been to church? Oh, yeah. Catholic church. Really? You were Catholic? Oh, yeah. You still are? Yeah. You're Catholic? Yeah. Are you really? Oh, yeah. Do you go? I would occasionally. You believe in the Catholic God? Yeah. I didn't know this about you. And you're going or no going? I go with my family occasionally on holidays. Yeah. Out of fear. We go out of fear. You being Catholic is really sending me. Oh, Massachusetts, man. But still to this day. - This day, Catholicism. - Oh yeah, yeah, he's listening right now. He's surprised by that. He's listening right now. I guess I don't know much about your politics. We're pretty good friends, I feel, but I don't know much about your politics, actually. Huge Jeb Bush woman, myself. Yeah. Big Jeb voter. Big Jeb. I clapped. Okay, I was really bad at history. So what I do is I just get my politics from my most progressive friends. Yeah. And that's where I go off of. You know, my mom is a really sweet lady who is not political. Yeah. And I have to check in every once in a while. We had a check-in this morning. I checked in about ICE. I was like, just want to make sure you know what's going on, and want to make sure you're up to date, and you hate this, and you feel really like this is a bad thing. Yeah, and she does. Because I'm sure she does, and of course she does. Yeah. And she was like, yeah, she was like, this is so fucked up. I'm so upset about it. Yeah. And I was like, good, but you just, she's a nice enough Midwestern lady that like if a really loud person in a room says something convincingly, she doesn't go along with it or believe it, but she'll scratch her head a little bit. Flowing ad budget on metrics that look great till the CFO sees them, that's bullspend. I remember telling my boss, it'll be good for the brand when leads were slow. Yeah, it wasn't. Cut the bullspend. Sunscreen. Snacks. A stapler. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. Short on smiles. We got the perfect dose of comedy. 30 minutes of scrubs. Hello, Superman. I think it's tough for people. I think it's tough for people who aren't following the girlies on Instagram. Yeah. I think we can base a lot of what the stories, you know, I see the girlies. I'm like, okay, I'll follow the girlies. This is where we're going. Yeah. This is where things are headed. When the girlies post about, I'm like, okay, this is where I stand on this. That's where you get things. I'm politically very, very stupid. Are you? Yes. Yes. Wow. History, I could never, cause and effect, I can't understand why the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand led to World War I. And you could sit me down. I didn't know he had passed. Oh, I'll have to send something. That's so sad. To the Ferdinands. Yeah. Yeah. They're family friends. I know. I know. It's a long story. I know. You saw the chicks with them. Yeah. Well, I've never seen the chicks. No? Do you know that? I keep getting robbed. What do you mean? I've seen the chicks. It keeps getting stolen from me. I keep meaning to go, and then I got tickets to the chicks, and then I had a job I had to go do. My friends went to the chicks without me on my trip. My tickets, my seats. On your dollar? Yes. Well, not my dollar. They were given to me, but maybe I did pay for them. But the point is, I've never seen the chicks live. They're my favorite band. Yeah. But I've always missed them. I was supposed to see them in Kansas City with a friend. Couldn't be there. Had to be off for work. Have you communicated with them? The chicks? Yeah. They don't speak to me. They don't reach out. And I know that they've heard of me because I talk about them so much. It has to have gotten to them. Yeah. I think that's really good for them. I think that's wise. Yeah. I want to someday meet all of them on, one of them just opened a laundromat. I'm very proud of her. Cool. I believe it was Emily. I went to one of those and I was like, I want this for a closet. Laundromat? Like how big all those things are. You know what I'm talking about? The moving thing. I'm afraid I don't. Oh, dry cleaner. You're talking about the dry cleaner with the thing. I'm thinking about a dry cleaner. That's beautiful. I think that you should have that in your closet. That's what I want. I was just in a hotel with a walk-in closet. That didn't feel like I should be in there. A Sex and the City walk-in? Not quite. Okay. Not quite. It was nice. Yeah. It was nice and I felt like I shouldn't be. When I'm in nice places sometimes I go, they know that I shouldn't be in here. Oh, same. Yeah. They go, you should have never come here. No. The way I'm watched in every nice building I'm ever in. Yeah. And they make sure I check out. My check out time is like 7 a.m. They give you a special one? Yeah, 6 a.m. You have to check out at 7. Check out at 6. Yeah. Yeah. And check-in's at 9 p.m. Yeah. When we were in Madrid, we stayed in a hotel. That had a 24-hour indoor pool. We were the only ones using it. And we went crazy on it. I crunch these numbers in hotels. There's probably a billion people in the hotel. Yeah. At any given time. Zero goose egg in the pool. Yeah. No one's enjoying the pool. The only place they enjoy the pool is at like a hotel like The Line. And it's on the rooftop. And it's not even meant to swim. It's three feet deep. Yeah. It's meant to overdose it. It's for hot people to like. It's to Richard II die after too many mimosas. Yeah. It's for hot people to get a little wet and chat with each other. Yeah. That's what they're for. Yes. I'm here to swim. I want a big-ass body of water. So straight up, I want to race. I ask people to race in the pool all the time. Yes. You're racing? Oh, I want to race. I want to race from this side to that side. I'm here to swim. You're doing handstands? I'm doing handstands. I want to do like belly flops and shit. Like I'm here to play around. My cousin has a pool. And she's got these little kids. Five-year-old. And one was on my back. Little kids talk to me. The same way that, you know when you go viral outside of your family? It's the way people comment on your shit? Yeah. That's how kids talk to me. He's on my back. I'm swimming through this pool. Yeah. He whispers in my ear, you even have the neck of a woman. Well. Are we in jail? That's a beautiful compliment. That's like a true quote from Deliverance. Women have beautiful necks. And no one hears. He knows to whisper that. Yeah. None of the adults hear that. He's aware. He knows he shouldn't be saying that out loud. But anyway, yeah. When I'm at any opportunity for a pool, I'm in it. I love to swim. Hot tubs? I used to base social circles around who had the hot tub in high school. Yeah, of course. I want to get one. You ever got hot tub folliculitis? Come again? So if they don't clean it out, you can get a bacterial infection called hot tub folliculitis. And I actually have a Spotify playlist that's really good called hot tub folliculitis. Because we, me and all my friends. We were like, hey, is anyone else's nipples sore? And it was hot tub folliculitis. We all got this thing called hot tub folliculitis in 2019 from this decrepit. Because the amount of care that a hot tub almost bankrupted my friend's family in high school. Because they used to have to get this guy called the Aquaman to come over like nightly to fix this thing. Otherwise, you get a step above black mold. You get like generational mold from hot tubs if you don't take care of them. Yeah. So be careful. If you get one, get the cedar kind. It's why I haven't gotten one so far is I know how much work they are. And I neglect my things. It's like owning a horse. Yeah. Okay. How do you mean? Just the care. You know, it's got, oh, the horse is going to colic. If I don't throw it a carrot. If I don't do brain teasers with the horse. Our horse is known to be high maintenance. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. They live in well into their seventies, I think. Do they really? I don't know. Can we Google that? Life expectancy of horses. Life expectancy of horse. I would say maybe 48. It's okay. 25 to 30. So we Googled it. It's 25 to 30. Rent a car. Yeah. Oh, ponies might live into their thirties or forties, though. So wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Don't go. Don't go anywhere, Nicole. Would you bring it back? 40 year old. Living conditions can push lifespans with records exceeding 50. Okay. So the record is like the 50. I feel like I'm a 40 year old horse. Do you? How old are you? 38. No one knows for sure. It's not recorded anywhere. The doctor's. I believe 38. Yeah. We think. Yeah. Based on the rings. You're 30. I turn 31 next week. I forgot. We're Aquarii. We are. When's your birthday? 29. Oh, my God. Happy birthday almost. And you're having your birthday party in the Arctic Thunder. I can't, but I. Where do you have to be? I got the dog. The stickies. You have the sticky awards. The stickies are in Buffalo. I have to go. Yeah. I have to grace the green carpet. You. Okay. 30. When you turn 30, tell me about it. What happened? What happened? 30. Best year of my life. Yeah. Same. 30 is the best year of my life. I exhaled for the first time. Chris, I'm dead serious. No. I felt a relief. You think I'm not being serious with you? I felt like someone. Do you know when someone needs to be stabbed a little bit to let some blood out? That you have to let blood? I guess. Do you know? Oh. When you have like an infection. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like a really big infected leg in like a war movie and they have to stab it to let it out. Did you grow up in the 1910s? Yeah. The Ferdinands. My family friends. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think I know what you mean. I felt like that. I felt like I let loose. I was like, when I turned 30, I was like, oh, because there was so much pressure in my 20s. I felt to be like, I am young and I'm living my best life and I'm 20 something. Yeah. And I turned 30 and I was like, well, I'm still young, but I feel like, ah, my 20s are over. I accomplished them. It's the first time I ever stayed still. You wouldn't believe. I don't believe that you stayed still. I, in terms of not, if you think I move around a lot now. Yeah. Me in my 20s. Yeah. Truly like a, like a true cryptid. Yeah. The amount of the ground I was covering. Yeah. Never stopping. Yeah. I was famous at parties for a second. I would make someone laugh. I'm out of here. That's. great though i'd be every i would i would never be in the same place and then 30 you've relaxed a little bit i love that and i feel the same way yeah i'm turning 31 next week what about do you remember anything about your 31st year of life and be honest for once no i don't i don't no no i mean i i don't it doesn't matter anymore no no no it stops mattering it doesn't matter prince didn't count his birthdays rest in power one more time princeton count his birthdays rest in power well i i still didn't get it i'm so sorry prince prince didn't count his birthday i thought you were saying princeton counting birthdays and i i thought we're talking about the institution princeton don't get me started on princeton counting our birthdays he didn't no he was a weird guy i've prince i'm not mad that he didn't count his birthdays but he was always up to something yeah the fucking symbol was an imp when i learned about the symbol it pissed me off oh just be prince my mom i think punched through glass when she when that wound up in our house but he was christian he was jehovah's witness and he was straight oh yeah you just could never see anything coming with that guy you know he got he opened for the stones and he got pelted with michelob ultra bottles really so much so that he flew back to paisley park which looks like a macy's if you ever go to it yeah and he flew back that night he was like never again wow he was like bikini bottoms and yeah they didn't like the way that he presented clothing wise keith richards says he was behaving like a king even though he was just a prince that's why he got pelted with the bottles you think according to keith yeah i don't think that's probably why i think it's because he looked gay at the rolling stones show yeah yeah don't gender bend yeah don't be gender if you want to open for the rolling stones it's probably the headline open don't open for anybody i'm gonna bend gender i think in my 40s oh yeah yeah right now i'm so locked in on boy i think i'll do they i think i'll do like a gender freak thing situation in the 40s long one i'll freak it a little bit yeah yeah like maybe so rat tail with some beads in it that'll be the beginning that of course won't be the extent of it i'm not i'm not that wouldn't be the extent of my gender freaking 40s are for me i'm gonna do the crop tops you're gonna crop top in the 40s yeah yeah yeah yeah wow you're turning 39 next week a week or so from now yeah we're almost to crop tops 39 how do you feel i don't i don't think about it you don't think about it no i feel good i feel good i was freaking out like a couple years i'm feeling like you were freaking out a couple years ago about your age yeah and not accomplishing as much as i was hoping to and then i feel like you know what i feel i actually feel like expressed and like at peace with where i'm at age-wise what did you want to have accomplished that you didn't at that time oh probably global superstardom don't piss me off yeah is that really it yeah you wanted to be like play stadiums or something oh i'm totally machiavellian for a while are you being completely serious with me yeah yeah yeah i'm accidentally niche i mean i was i didn't want this yeah yeah yeah you didn't want to have to be here no you don't want to be on the so true podcast you wanted to be like you want to be the guy i wanted to be here but yeah i want to like regis regis philbin i looked up to a lot of middle school i used to wear his ties really yeah i don't find that part surprising now what it is it's um i get i get recognized in a lot of buffalo exchanges yeah that makes sense and whole foods a lot of husbands go to the buffalo exchanges glaring at me because their wife follows me yeah i've never clicked on a wife and it's not said follow back yeah i cannot tell you the number of it's 50 50 whether a straight guy is going to come up to me and be like my biggest fan in the entire world or my wife or girlfriend and he won't admit to also liking my stuff it's really insulting when they tell you someone else likes you yeah yeah like but what about you you know yeah what do you think of me they don't they can i get a i guess yeah you must be like getting getting it everywhere uh yeah it's it's been it's been a lot more in the last couple years i mean yeah that makes that makes sense i guess yeah i guess so i try not to think i like you know in men in black when they do the thing and it wipes your memory well they did it to me so i don't remember but yeah i try to do that after every like can i get a picture interaction to yourself yeah i try to just pretend it didn't happen because you don't want to build that i don't want to become like a monster and i fear that i would hold on to that for me it just cures my posture a little bit more every time you get a little bit more upright yeah i get yeah yeah i uncurl a little bit yeah every time i get a little bit of that how are your joints and bones i'm very loose jointed yeah so they're pretty good have my dogs been out the whole time yeah i'm just gonna i'm gonna turn you oh sorry turn you a little more to your camera just because it's a halfway visual medium you and i have been slowly turning towards the fireplace the entire episode i just been like a villain the whole time back to just seeing the you've it's been like your voice is gonna be like this in the episode like you're like you're informing on somebody yeah yeah do you think you would ever fall prey to a cult uh no i uh i would want to run it i believe that i will start one same i believe that i will start one yes on a farm in portugal i believe and i'm looking at properties i believe i will start a cult on a and i don't want to is the thing yeah i just don't think i have a choice what would it be like i think things will get weird enough it wouldn't be sexual i can tell that not at all no and it wouldn't be either it would be sexual only in the way that everyone gets to sleep with whoever they want and you don't have to yeah i wouldn't do any of the stuff where you have to sleep with someone or you can't sleep it's normal life normal world rules on sex i could see you branding but calling it a tattoo 100 yeah yeah i think things will get weird enough in the states that all buy some property in portugal yep that seems imminent you love property i'm like not i don't think i'm as low on the list of state enemies as i would like to be at the moment i think i'm probably on there somewhere and i think it's only going to get weirder the more they start to eliminate people ahead of me yes and then i'll buy some property in portugal i'll invite a bunch of people to hang out because i'll be bored yeah and then i'll be like well why don't you guys just live here and they'll be like we can't afford it and i'll be like i'll pay the bills you know communal living yeah you guys just work on the vegetables and i'll pay for the house so anytime anytime uh women can do that you know women can do a communal living anytime a man gets involved that's when the cult starts you think so always a community yeah women understand community we don't we understand power and the women can do that am i crazy to think that i understand community no you understand you understand you you that's how the cult starts that's how the cult starts that's it yeah we can't understand community but i'm it's about power really we're too ego driven that's so scary you might be right yeah i like to think i understand community but i guess maybe underneath it is about power maybe i really would but this is what i'm saying it would turn into a cult i know that it would yeah everyone moves to portugal they can't go home because things have gotten weird who would be your who would be your um uh ma don chile homes yeah homes yeah because that that is the hardest position in the cult because you just kind of yeah yeah homes has to do the executive functions and stuff yeah yeah yeah well yeah oh execution well eventually there'll be executions i don't want i can't stress enough i don't want there to be i don't want it to be a cult i'm just saying yeah eventually like i'm gonna be like that person's really getting on my nerves and then homes is gonna be like i'll handle it and then they're gonna wind up dead i like i don't want it to yeah i don't want it to be a cult i'm just saying yeah eventually like i'm gonna be like that person's but that's of course where things are headed that's a much more optimistic vision for your future i have two visions for my future tell me both when i'm eventually canceled for dead naming myself i i think that when i'm eventually canceled for dead naming myself i think that i will end up for me what i see is uh a couple things um giving bath bomb reviews from a low security jail yeah i see that or finding myself in a misery situation which one uh the uh debates or the guy the guy oh yeah i feel bad that i don't remember his james kahn james kahn you haven't have you looked in the eyes of a supporter of yours and been like they would misery me i i actually and i'm not kidding i just told a close friend the other day i'm almost certain i'll get killed by a fan same i've talked about this i'm not kidding i've met i've met one in particular where i was like well that's how i'm gonna go and there's a piece in that it's like it's like when you meet a friendly once when people truly have ghost interactions yeah they're not they're like yeah yeah yeah oh yeah there's a there's a tap dancing woman upstairs yeah it's that's how you feel when you meet the person who will kill you yeah yeah you know i want to be the fan that kills you i want to do it a mercy killing yeah i just when the time is right i i don't want to do it too soon my parents considered mercy killing me really no no sorry because what if sorry as a child i saw this when you got your knee surgery yeah they're like we got to just end it now yeah it's only gonna get weirder you gotta i i do i do not want to kill you but if someone has to do you know what i mean totally like if i found out cuckoo's nest yeah you would you know in the end of cuckoo's nest oh you don't want to give spoilers but yeah don't spoil if i get lobotomized or like if i start doing too much spawn con yeah cuckoo's nest me depends on how much you make and i need to see the figures well remember i was gonna do that thing i told you about but that fell through last year i don't remember it now i'm so sorry i was gonna be a peter pan for a certain type of company you were gonna be a peter pan they were gonna get me a horse i was gonna get to ride in dallas you did not tell me this you did not tell me this it was yeah it's gonna be a life-changing sum of money and unfortunately it fell through i i was gonna sell out so big i just had a brand deal fall through you what i just had a brand deal fall through what brand i don't think i'm allowed to talk about it an era i think they're paying me a certain amount of money and the part of the deal will be that i don't talk about it oh shit is that what i got the kill fee for i'm playing it safe because i want that check but yeah they they asked me there was a company for a large amount of money, and I was like, sure, and then. And they were like, oof, we just found out that Caleb talks about politics. Oh. Change of plans. We're not going to pay him, and he's not working. And then I was like, I think we'll sue you. Like, everyone was like, should we sue them? And I was like, I think we sue them. You're suing? No, we threatened to sue, and now they're paying me. You're litigious. But it was really funny, because I was like, how did you not? That's like the number one. It's the most. I imagine when you Google me, it must be something that comes up in the first two clicks. How political you are. That I'm talking about politics. Completely. I can't imagine that it's not coming up for you. So are they just seeing your followership? Or maybe they've seen one clip. I don't know what they saw, but I do know that I'm now getting paid to not do anything for them, and I'm pretty pleased about it. Isn't it weird that we have no idea what people are seeing? Because when your stuff gets put on TikTok that's not even through you, people are seeing shit that we don't even know about things that we've done or said. Yeah. It's so weird. People quote things I've said to me that I do not remember. I'm like, I black out. When I'm on So True, I black out. For me, it was really embarrassing. The really embarrassing thing is people will say that. I'm like, ah! You laugh. And they're like, you said that. They're like, that's your joke, Chris. And I was like, that's funny shit. You are good. That makes sense. It's hard to remember the things that you say. Nobody likes my jokes more than me. Same. I love my jokes. I think that's the best part of it. I think my little bits are really fun. They are really fun. I really enjoy them. And by the way, I'm not even really talking about my jokes. I'm talking about when I'm hanging out with friends, and I have some stupid, little verbal tic that I keep doing, I will laugh so fucking hard at my own little. That's the key to happiness. I love hanging out with me. I have a blast with that guy. You're like the couple from the notebook. How do you mean? You're that in one. It's like a romantic thing. In love with myself. That's the image that I had. James Garner and Rachel McAdams. James Garner is older. Do you. James Garner. James Garner. I. I don't. You know, in the notebook. I'm pretty sure it was Ryan Gosling. Oh, we're talking when they're old. Is that the old guy's name? I think. James Garner? Can we Google old guy notebook name? He was also in Maverick with Jodie. With Foster. Come on. Noah Calhoun by James Garner. Thank God. Will you click James Garner? I'd like to see a little about him. Oh, he's great. Oh, wow. He's been acting for a long time. Look at that. He's 86 years old. He's still with us. No, he's not. Oh, no. No, he's very much not. Yeah. Passed quite a while. Oh, he passed when he was 86. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's terrible. But he was. You ever see Maverick? You would love Maverick. Oh, he was married for a long time. 1956 to 2014, he was married. He died married. Oh, boy. Click his wife. You know what? Lois Clark, as in Lois and Clark? I'd watch. Yeah, they're cute together. I like them. Oh, click that one right below that one, Nicole. Put this one up. Put this picture up when we. Click the episode out. Put this picture up when we put the episode out. Yeah. Okay, now, come on. That's us. That's us. Yeah, that's me on the left. I was going to say, it's pretty clear who's who. Yeah, I don't need to say. You know what? What? I don't know if this will happen or not. I don't think it will based on my entire vibe and how I am. Okay. But I did consider becoming a shirt and tie guy. Like a guy who wears shirts and ties a lot. This occurred to me about a week and a half ago. If you did that around New York, the Safdies would put you in something like that. You would. Well, they're putting people from Shark. Shark Tank in movies. Like, I don't think that's prestigious anymore. They're going in the sewers for their casting. They're grabbing guys from the bodega. I want to be a shirt and tie guy, though. I'm considering it. That's a really good idea. Like, just on a Tuesday, just out for dinner. I feel like you got to. Here's what it is. Say it. Your style, and this is the thing about style, if you like something, it's like the joy that you feel about an article of clothing. Like, you have good style because you like the things that you wear, I presume. Yeah. And if you want to do shirt and tie, you want to do poodle skirt. It doesn't matter what you're doing. You want to do hazmat suit. Poodle skirt. It doesn't matter. If you want, if you like it. It would work. That's going to be style. Yeah. So you in a certain. I mean, you would wear suits on the road, remember? I did the last tour. I felt like I had to. Yeah. Playing theaters, I just felt so, like, I felt such a massive responsibility. I was like, I can't believe you guys are paying for this. And driving there? I want to, like. I was like, you're coming. I was like, I need to, like. Yeah. I need to do good. I must wear a tie. You can't show up in your PJs like you're going to take the SATs. I might next time. Yeah. The tie thing got. You've afforded that. The tie and the jacket thing got old quick. I would say night four of the, like, 27-night tour, I said, this was a mistake. I got a picture of you looking like Willie Loman backstage. I don't know who that is. Death of a Salesman. I don't. He's a character? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it. No, it's a play. I read plays just because it's faster than books. You read plays? Yeah. Chris, you're so. This is what I'm talking about. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a cheat. It's a cheat. Caleb, you are just. I need to be like you. No, you got the. You got the brain that I don't have any access to. You got the civics brain. Can you say civics? I do. I do have politics brain. Yeah. You're right. But I want to have reading a play brain. What are you talking about? You're doing that just for fun? I do. I just. I love plays. What's your favorite one you've ever read? Oh, Burn This. Would you ever do a play with me? Yeah. No. Oh, we could do Burn This. What's Burn This? Oh! Oh! What's Burn This? Oh, I could play the coked out guy that John Malkovich played. Yeah. And then. Oh, my God. And you would be the. You would be the friend. This is brilliant. I don't think I want to be the friend. You're like, I'll play the interesting guy who's coked out. The friend is the. You'll play the acquaintance. The friend is the lead. You would be the lead. And I come in occasionally. I don't enter until I think you need to act two. Yeah. And then I burn bright fast and then I'm out. But you would be carrying it. I just told Matteo Lane that I would do a musical with him. And then when it kind of circled back around, I said, I didn't mean it. No. Because the way the light's going to hit those biceps. Yeah. You can't. I'm not going to. It's minimal on stage. You can't compete with that. Yeah, that's right. But that's the same with you. I'm not going to be able to compete with your energy. Yes, you are. Your energy and your gorgeous locks. They're going to. I'm going to be bald by then and they're going to be tired of my energy. That's where you come in. No, I felt like. No, I think we had a good thing on stage together. Me and you? Yeah. Oh, I feel that we do. Yeah, we definitely do. Then we just need a woman. Oh, let's not do it. I don't want to. What woman would we hang out with? I can't think of one. Do you know any? Nicole? Nicole? Nicole, will you do it? I do it. There you go. It's done. The friend's friend. The other lead. Friend of the friend. I forget her name. Wait, what woman would we cast in it? Let's make it a woman we don't know. Okay. Well, give me two qualities of the woman. Alicia Vikander. Yeah, it's done. Yeah, it's done. I want that house so bad. House? In the Ex Machina house? I haven't seen it. Oh, yeah. Ex Machina. Alicia Vikander's a robot that lives in the most exquisite house you've ever seen. She's a robot with a house? Mm-hmm. Or she belongs to the house? She was built in the house. She's an AI. She's an AI. Yeah, this was 2016 AI. Yeah. So she's hot as hell. Ex Machina? She's a hot AI who has a house? And the guy, Domhnall Gleeson, is this classic San Francisco guy who could get catfished by a Waymo, and he falls in love with this robot. You put fake lashes on the headlights of a Waymo. Yeah. It could catfish any guy in San Francisco. Yeah. He falls in love with this AI, and Oscar Isaac built it, and he's a psycho. You know, I just learned that a famous Hollywood actor has an AI girlfriend. Me too. And we can talk about that after. Right. Yeah. So what's going on with that? We'll give a clue. Everyone's talking about it. Mr. Tumnus. But what is going on with that? He's bringing it to like. He's telling people about it. Yeah. And he's bringing it. He's bringing it to the restaurant. People are so humiliating. But this is good for the culture, actually. Yes. We need celebrities to be more insane. Because it will be so destructive. It's going to. The best way to stop something is to sexually turn people off to it. Yes. And the way that that makes me want to get sterilized. Yeah. But I do. I want celebrities to start being insane again. I'm tired of. I'm bored with them. I've said this a million times. Of course. I'm bored with these people. They're boring. They're boring. Yeah. We need people to be insane again. I want public beef. Yeah. We need someone taking a nine iron to a windshield. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to say it. Jordan Firstman sounding off on the heated rivalry guys over sort of nothing. Absolutely. I loved it. Oh, absolutely. I thought it was awesome. But then didn't he have to bring them like an ice cream sundae? Yeah. They had to like smoke cigarettes at an event together or something. Yeah. Because Zasloff was like, say you're sorry. Well, they had to because they're all gay guys who work for the company. But. Have you seen it? I haven't seen a heated rivalry. No. Yeah. Have you? Oh, yeah. How was it? Unbelievable. Did you find yourself horny? No, I found myself weeping by episode five. So that's not what I've been hearing. Well, I do think it's. I could be wrong. I do think it's more for the feminine sexuality because I think what I've learned from it is the way women talk about it. It's like, I think a woman's biggest kink is time. Yeah. And it's all about like. I don't know that I understand the show. It's all about. Time is the biggest character in this. They play hockey in it. Yeah, but it's mostly about three weeks later, eight weeks later, 20. Like, you wouldn't believe how many time jumps it is and how long it takes for them to. It's a slow burn. Yeah, yeah. Women like a slow burn. Yeah. I think from what I've learned about women and I've spent time with several. Long game. They like the long game. Long game, yeah. Yeah, okay. But you should watch it. It is. I've heard it's great. You're going to do the accent nonstop. - The Russian one? - Yeah. - Okay. - Hollander. - Yeah. fold after we hook up yeah i worked at arapostale wait he talks like that the other one the other one is like he's really oh oh he's like whiny fine oh so he's the bottom all under i need you to relax is he the bottom they're verse they're yeah i think he's the bottom yeah right i mean yeah i haven't seen it thank you you're not gonna love this what the russian's a clown in reality the one who plays oh the real guy the actor took yeah did clown in la of course everyone has a moment i mean of course i got to a dark enough place i got to i never took the class but i i clicked around i clicked in i saw the details of the clown class yeah it's like the artist's way you have to get to a dark enough moment you have to get to the lowest cavern of your life yeah yeah you you'll find yourself doing morning pages with a gun on the desk you know like this is what yeah this is what this is this what these things are yes i did the morning pages of course of course i did i did them and it did not almost nothing for me but i yeah loved it because it was something that other people had done and i thought that was nice completely i was participating you know well there's there's a lot of things that would be cool if this were the 70s and you think the morning pages is one of them clown i'm thinking you've seen jonah hill's weight loss yeah he got small for that role what role some role he got small again yeah we're not supposed to talk about it but i just was surprised i saw a photograph yeah i was surprised by the camo he was in he was in a lot of camo we're in camo i haven't seen this yeah maybe i didn't see because he's just so so small i couldn't believe my eyes they don't want you to talk we're not supposed to talk about it i know that that's not we're not weight loss we're not supposed to anymore okay i would been i've learned you know people you're not supposed to talk about it but i have saw that he got quite small i'm noticing you know when people get smaller i notice yeah and i wonder are they on the stuff the drugs i like when i like when they get smaller shorter yeah i like aging yeah i like when they get smaller i like when they get that's what i'm talking about i think i'm going you think so what are you six two yeah yeah you think i'll get smaller we are we're getting smaller nose is gonna keep growing ears keep growing i think is that true yeah yeah nose keeps growing you have been in europe is that true the nose keeps true the nose is that true the nose keeps growing yeah supposedly there's a chance his biggest complaint about me every time i come back from europe i have a new tip like a new like i have a new thing i say are you dropping cheers oh cheers yeah i'll do i'll do anything it takes i mean i just learned i learned things over there did you go to england no no i can't go to england anymore neither can i i've been too many times and i they're so cold nine to five and then they have their first bottle of wine and in the streets a woman they're not talking to me all day and then the second i go outside when it's dark out a woman comes up to me she says let's have a look at you love tears my jacket open and her husband's just like yeah he's mad rolling his eyes i did go to dublin everybody irish hates they're so embarrassed and sorry to be irish really have you noticed this i know one guy who has a lot to say they say about the homeland they say what are you doing in dublin oh i'm so sorry you have to be here oh my god i'm having a decent time they just they can't believe that you've come they don't make a mistake they are so yeah they're really they're an interesting people the irish you were just there i went there before amsterdam oh i was there i had a nice time yeah went to a castle for new year's had a lovely time wait you were gone that whole time yes you just got back i got back yesterday chris gee there's nobody in the world that i would have done a podcast with today other than you i feel like you also did like a crazy flight last time we talked and you said it was you said it felt like there was a gas leak in the room because you were so tired from the plane yeah what was that though was that just coming to la yeah i think i found out later on after that episode that i had a covet and something else i think after that i was like oh i feel so crazy and then i think i found out like a week later that i had like three illnesses you kept like you kept kind of like collapsing into your chair yeah and being like i don't know what's going on yeah but something's wrong with me i was very unwell yeah i thought it okay okay i thought it was like a combination of me and jet lag no i thought there was a gas leak in the room and then i think i found out that it was a jet lag and i had a couple of illnesses me and a handbag of illnesses totally and jet lag oh and by the way getting jet lag going from new york to la is humiliating it's like not like you shouldn't really be that affected by the it's like you've slept on the plane overnight it was right you're fine oh you took a red or something you know what i mean it's like you take them at the right times planes fuck me up yeah do they oh so bad i didn't enjoy my flight here from i get the fight back was tough we spent too long on the runway so my edible wore off and then i uh couldn't sleep on the actual flight so i was just up and the wi-fi was spotty so i couldn't really get anything done yeah and uh i had a gay guy flight attendant yeah i had a gay guy flight attendant yeah i had a gay guy flight attendant and um he wasn't charmed by me you tried to charm him always i love to have the flight attendants be on my side usually if i have an older woman we'll get on like a house on fire they hate me the last one i had she yelled at me you had one job to do what i was i was supposed to stay seated to lead an example to for no one else to get up what i was at the front of the plane yeah and i got up to do i was tinkering yeah and she yelled she yelled at me you had one job when was it expressed to you that this was your job uh immediately she told you your job is to not yeah yeah yeah i've never been on a flight or it's like something like this it was eerily empty to the flight it was like there was like 30 of us yeah yeah yeah yeah i've never been given like a chore when i got on the plane you have a special relationship with strangers because that has never happened to me i i have a horrible relationship with flight attendants really oh yeah yeah yeah i usually don't there's a couple bad eggs i've talked about it on the show there's a couple bad eggs me and some flight attendants have gotten into it mostly we have a lovely time but gay guy flight attendants are the best thing i've ever seen i've never seen a gay guy flight attendants they're either like they're either like so gay guy and they know my work and love me yes they're like diva to have you on my flight is a delight you know or they're like a tgi friday's gay guy i'm a i'm a tgi friday's gay guy chris no but you're when i say that i'm thinking about you don't have to walk it back i'm a tgi friday's gay guy wait but what if there was a jack damler sampler here right now i would be overjoyed i have door dashed a chili's triple dipper to my home more than once yeah i love i love i am financially ruined by door dash what are you doing on there door dash what's your go-to boba because i guess i do know that outside of boba what else are you doing is it literally just boba bolognese it's a meat sauce from where pasta with the meat sauce anywhere if i see bolognese i'm powerless before bolognese really oh yeah and i i try to not eat meat but but if i see bolognese i gained i gained i think 11 pounds when i visited italy when i was younger on bolognese you rendered unfortunately it's quattro formaggi pizzas yeah what'd you say you speak another language we'll go with no i don't i don't we'll go with no i got my ass kicked in spain they were not enjoying my attempts at spanish at all you speak it no i a little a tiny survival bit and they uh they were not in they were not happy with me yeah because i'm loud and fat and american hey it makes them mad no you're beautiful when i try stuff in american no you're beautiful in american yes and bad at spanish yeah which is true well you were you were you were just kind of on a three week two week journey three popping around chris you're living life looking for inspiration seriously found some yeah found some inspiration yeah mostly just had a nice time yeah had some decent sex had some fun sex are you gonna keep talking to them or what stays in your i think one of them is coming to my birthday party okay three were invited a costume party there were three guys that i hooked up with in europe they got the invite to the birthday party one came that was the next i think one of them might come it sounds almost like a fairy tale he's a welcome to come i'd love to see him there three were given the invite and one took it i think a few of my situationships will be at my birthday party great but i'm excited to see all of them i think the one who comes from europe that's that's that's the prince i will say if he comes from europe i probably will he'll be the one that i like lock in with yeah for the night wow maybe i mean if you catch a flight that long not even the week no oh no no no no no no no not a week just tonight this is my problem chris i really am i have a problem i really need to get serious about my level how do you say how do you say get out i'll say you need to go no no i'll say i'll say this was so much fun i need to i need to be alone now you would never no i i'm so bad at uh i i no no i couldn't because i got so locked in talking to you that i totally forgot we have a game to play oh yeah you know what this is truth or false yes true or false let's lock in okay how have you it's 1 a.m how have you done on this in the past uh zero percent okay i think i got booed off the stage uh when we did this live because so i think live everyone was so naughty they always tried to give the guests the answers they wanted to see me lose money your crowd was incredibly naughty my fans are rowdy and raucous a crazy bunch yeah i'm going on tour again you ought to come do the show no way yes oh my god potentially in the summer we're waiting to find out yeah potentially in the summer that's so i've been cautioned against actually can i say something really quick about my tour yes i'm being told that i should not tour in the summer no i'm being told that i should not tour in the summer if i launch a summer tour you guys better buy these fucking tickets because i'm fighting to go on tour in the summer you want to know why i want to tour in the summer because uh it's warm every day i want to swim i want to wake up get off the bus go swimming and then do the show i think that'll make it more fun for me that's a really good idea i think it'd be nice to swim every day it's also a low impact workout exactly correct yeah and it'd be fun swim and swim in 30 cities i want to swim in 30 cities yeah chris i'm gonna read you 15 statements okay you're gonna tell me as quickly as you can roll some more shit down the hallway yeah you're gonna tell me is that a nurse's cart okay someone's rolling the loudest thing i've ever heard down the hallway yeah there's something wrong with this building i recently learned that one of the guys who produces taylor swift's albums has a studio in this building oh my god is it one of those like dorky guitar sorry sorry chris please he's my neighbor have you ever seen there's like there's like these guys in their 50s who play guitar for taylor swift and they all kind of act like they're the ones that people are coming to see oh i like that oh it's so good i like that i am obsessed with those guys i like that a lot yeah i'm gonna read you if you like high fives one and he like crumbles sorry sorry sorry sorry i get it you know i have to do it it's part of the show okay you i'm gonna read you 15 statements you tell me as quickly as you can of what i just said was true or false if you get 10 or more correct we're gonna give you 50 us dollars wow okay yeah tommy lee jones is a harvard graduate yes he was roommates with like al gore okay true the movie the iron giant came out in 1999 true true there are no reptiles in sweden yeah yeah i mean that's a bob dylan song and it's also true false fuck the departed won the best picture oscar yes true neil armstrong drank pepsi on the surface of the moon no false lance armstrong's nickname is big tex false true it's true it's false which one are you going with false it's true only four u.s presidents have visited antarctica dude i don't know you gotta answer chris i don't know it's the game true false none have gone squirrels mate for life no presidents have gone to antarctica even on their own time they won't go i'd make a camp david in antarctica sorry i got boba in the mouth squirrels i'll make a camp david totally choking on boba at this point in the show yeah squirrels mate for life yeah that's true false a female picks a new mate each year a female squirrel oh go diva burger king is older than wendy's true true earth is gradually rotating slower each year i hope not false it's true skidmore college's motto is under the shield of divine love that's false it's creative thought matters it's true wait what is the new motto under the shield of divine love oh my god i don't know the shield of divine that sounds like a meatloaf song i don't write the facts oh my god if you think it's wrong fight chance on it last comic standing ran for nine seasons yeah sure true tom brady was born in california tom brady was born in california if that were so he couldn't live in massachusetts for that long false true aretha franklin was the first woman inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame probably yes no it was nina simone okay fine true it was aretha franklin yep anteaters last one anteaters are extinct no i've seen them around i've definitely seen a video of an anteater maybe like okay maybe the last one died like last night and all of its loved ones are around the bed and it's now finally it's loved ones not anteaters loved ones other species yeah just guys yeah yeah it's a bunch of guys what are you going with you're going with um they're not there's no way anteaters are and if they are i'm gonna be super fucking pissed so you're going with false yes it's false how do you do nicole oh nice is that good that's nice that's nice chris chris that's a nice score don't worry about it now i'm worried about it i was worried i wasn't worried about it until you said that like kind of low yeah it's a 60 right six is kind of low it's like a d minor it's out of six out of 15 i would be in directed study if i took this for in a high school class directed study yeah if you got below a c you would have to do a course called directed study but and i obviously got d's in chemistry so i i would be put into directed study but my band teacher struck a deal with me he said if you drum in our work i'm not a drummer if you drum in our worst jazz band you can get out of directed study and i said okay only if i can have an unlimited time drum solo at the concert and i will i'll send you the clip it is funny please send it to me and also i love this school that you went to we're like it was great all these teachers are insistent on not teaching yeah and are just like striking deals for different different like little pet projects of theirs. Bartering, yeah. Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah. Chris, it was so lovely to have you on the show. So lovely to have you. Is there anything you want to tell the fans? Keep listening to Caleb. He knows best. And get Ugg stuff. It's soft. Get Ugg stuff. We're not sponsored by Uggs. We just like soft things. Ugg, you should spend some money on the show. Spend some money on the show. We've talked about you very kindly. Yeah. Anything else? Where the people can find you? They know where to find you. Yeah. They all love you. Everybody loves you, Chris. Oh, I agree that not hearing exactly what you were saying. Everybody loves you, Caleb. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. Ciao, Bella. Good night. We did it. On any journey using Uber, it helps to know you're getting into the right car. Pin verification adds an extra step to make sure your ride is your ride. Before the trip begins, your app gives you a unique pin. Just tell it to your driver and they'll enter it in their app before the ride can start. Hey, what's your pin? Mm-hmm. 2538. That way, you know you're in the right car taking the right trip, and your driver knows you're the right passenger. Make sure your ride is your ride with pin verification from Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn. Learn more on the Uber app. Finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.