Choosing Vulnerability

Welcome to Choosing Us. I'm Brittany. I'm Jake and together we're the Logosos. As high school sweethearts, best friends and ultimate long distance survivors. We're talking Dallas, Texas to Japan. We've learned and developed some tools to keep our relationship full of life and fun. If you want to learn how to navigate life while creating the relationship of your dreams, you are in the right place. So whether you're dating, married, navigating long distance like we once did or somewhere in between. We hope we can make you laugh, think outside the box, and dream bigger as we walk alongside you wherever you're at. We'll be hosting you on this journey through honest, unscripted conversations centered on biblical principles. Together we will be embracing the challenges and joys of relationships knowing that though it's not always easy. Choosing us is always worth it. Hey everybody and welcome back to Choosing Us. The Choosing Us podcast. We're the Logosos if you haven't met us. We look great meeting you. What are we talking about today honey? We are talking about Choosing Vulnerability. Choosing Vulnerability. And as we do so weekly now, it's one of my favorite portions. Favorite segments. That's what they say in podcasts of our podcast. We have our visuals. So if you guys are watching YouTube, you can see but if you're driving the car and listening, just imagine we have a little prop every episode. So today's prop is our vow books because we're talking about vulnerability. Yes. And Jake wants to open with a quote. Yes. So in our vow books, I or in our vows as I wrote and spoke from our vow book was a quote from Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage. He writes to be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretence, humbles us out of our self righteousness and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us. Woo man. Such a good quote. That's so good. And I think a lot of times vulnerability we see as weakness, especially on the male side, the male side, we see vulnerability as oh, I don't want to show my card. I don't want to show that I have a weakness in this area when really vulnerability allows us to be strengthened. I was just thinking that. And so like we've been vulnerable with you. We've been, you know, I remember one of the first nights. So we're high school sweethearts if you didn't know and we used to. They saw that in the trailer. We used to. Oh yeah. Well great. Well, we used to fall asleep face timing, right? We'll bring you a fall asleep. I would always end the call because I was asleep. I was asleep. I just bring you a sleep. And I remember one of the first times. We, you know, you shared, I believe you're, you know, about your scar and kind of that fear that you had been carrying on, you know, being able to have kids someday. And you felt very vulnerable in that moment. But you felt safe. You felt, you know, kind of strengthened. Yeah. Having that support because ever since that point, I've been praying for you, right? And so just that fact that when we have that vulnerability, it allows a greater strength to come. Yeah, absolutely. Right. So what's your kind of perspective of that? Yeah, I mean, just to kind of piggyback off that point, like you're, we're strong when we're vulnerable because there's a different level of the relationship we've reached. You know, you've got a little bit deeper or if you're, if you're, you're either going deeper what you are, but like you're taking your relationships at next level. The times that I've been vulnerable, we've been able to just see, you know, with more unity and have more clarity. And even though things look unknown, it's like we get to choose to be a team, you know, we choose us in the midst of that vulnerability. And there have been times when I didn't know that I needed to be more vulnerable, you know, like I didn't know that I had certain obstacles that were blind spots in my life. And when I peeled back the curtain and I looked at them myself, you know, and this was after we'd gone to an event and I realized that there were some things in my past that I wasn't necessarily carrying on purpose, but I was carrying subconsciously. And so those things were affecting how I was showing up in our relationship in our marriage. And so when I was really vulnerable with them with you and myself, then we could see that as, you know, a team. And so when we, when we do that, that does make us stronger because we, we are, like I said, we're acting and walking in unity. So that way we, you know, we're just, we're one. Yeah. And I really, another kind of visual I'm getting right now is, is vulnerability is really like the key to unlocking transformation. Oh, yeah. Right. So like sometimes we may be in our lives unaware. We may have a blind spot. Right. That's really preventing us from, from moving a certain direction or from moving forward. And we don't realize it. We're like, why are we so frustrated? You know, why are we stuck here? Yeah. But it's not until we become vulnerable. It's not until we may have to look inside and say, you know, this is, you know, something I've been carrying that I hadn't realized, right? This is a hurt or somebody, you know, somebody that haven't forgiven or, you know, whatever it is, an insecurity that is preventing us from being able to move forward. And it's not until we share that that we can really own it, right? So until you acknowledge something that you can own it and move forward. Yeah. And with our spouse, it's incredibly important to invite them into that process. Yeah. Right? Because you will have oftentimes insight or encouragement into something that I may be struggling with. Yeah. Right? That's happened plenty of times before. Right. You know, in my insecurity in a certain situation, my insecurity, you know, walking towards, you know, starting our own businesses. That was that was at a point in our relationship. You know, you came along beside me and supported me and encouraged me. And it was good awareness for you. Because then you can see, oh, you know, Jake is struggling with this, right? It does not, you know, one of my favorite quotes. If you know me, I love the office. I've watched every season multiple times through. I've watched a whole series, probably like four times through it's for the record. I'm not an office person, but I really am lended with my quotes. But I did show her the William Butler scene. So anyway, moving along, we there's one scene Michael Scott talking to Toby and he's like, why are you the way that you are? And we actually say that all the time. It's like the only office line I can actually quote. Yes. And so that quote, I love it. You know, it's very funny. It's very funny scene. But like, really, I asked that question a lot of times. Like, you know, hurt people hurt people. Yeah. Right? So like, if somebody is acting out in a way, you know, we somebody close to us, you know, had been bullied recently. Yeah. Right? And so, you know, yes, that's not acceptable. But at the same time, there's a reason that kid was a bully. Yeah. I mean, instead of being vulnerable, they're, that that's their shield. That's their ammo because they're hurting inside. And I really quickly, I want to just touch back on that. What we had talked about that when I was being vulnerable in a relationship. And honestly, I didn't even know that I had a reason or like more to be vulnerable about. But Jake's right. Like, that, that event and me realizing in my eyes being open, that totally transformed a marriage. Yeah. I, I, I thought we were very close, which we were at that time. But there were things in my blind spot in just my subconscious that I was carrying that was kind of in some ways, like holding you at arm's length. But I didn't really think, I didn't really think I was holding it at arm's length, but I, there was a part of me that I was holding back, but I didn't even know I was holding back. Yeah. And so when you are truly vulnerable, especially in a safe setting, now we are talking about being vulnerable when it's safe when you're in a healthy, safe relationship, whether you're seriously dating and thinking about marriage or you're already married, you know, obviously, it's very difficult to be vulnerable with someone you don't feel safe with. Absolutely. And if that's the case, then, you know, evaluate that. But in our marriage, like, I knew you were safe. I knew you were someone who was trustworthy of being in, you know, leading me. I chose you, we were married at that time. But I still had to make the choice. Like, do I share? And even like, a couple weeks ago, we talked in our podcast episode, there was something that I was carrying. And I was really fearful about it. And I didn't even know that I like had those fears. And I remember just crying because I'm coming to this realization, like, oh, wow, like, this is a very, very big, deep thing for me, but I also felt so safe to share with you because, you know, I knew that I wasn't going to get through it on my own. You know, I think part of vulnerability too is knowing that you need somebody in your corner. You need somebody on your team to walk through with you. Yeah. And so I think, you know, 100% agree. And finishing that thought is that like, we are all operating the way we are for a reason. And it may be, I'm sorry, our dog is in this room. And she's just, you know, getting comfy. That was just really funny. But at the end of the day, we all operate the way we are for a reason. So oftentimes if we have Ben Hurt, we will, you know, operate in a Hurt way towards others. And I think, you know, even, you know, the conversation you may in your head may be like, yeah, vulnerability is great, Jake and Brittany, right? That's great. That's a great thought. But like, I can't be vulnerable or I've been hurt in the past or trust has been broken. And that may be the case, but I still want to challenge and push you, you know, Brittany and I, I have broken her trust before. Yeah. Right. And I have hurt her heart. And she has likewise broken my trust and hurt my heart. But there's a mutual commitment to a greater mission in our marriage, right? There's a mutual commitment that, you know, though tough times may come, though we are too imperfect people trying to please and serve and love one another well. We still are imperfect people. And right, we're going to mess up and struggle throughout that. It's not an excuse, but that is a testament that trust can be regained. Yeah, I mean, That's grace. I mean, we like Jake said we're two imperfect people trying to make it work. But I actually hate that phrase. So try and we're starwars people too. So there's like do do or do not. There is no try. So I just and I grew up where try was like not necessarily for a letter word, but like trying is an action. So that was a little bomb that some of you may have to like think about again. So I'm going to say it again, trying is not action. You either are doing something or you're not like there, there is no if you try to pick up a water bottle, you're not doing anything. You're just like thinking about it. So there's an action or there's an action. There's not there's there's not an in between. But what I was saying is like I when we're what was I saying? I was talking about how broken trust there can be rebuilt. Oh yes. So trust is trust is lost in buckets and built drop by drop. And even though like we have hurt one another, I mean that that's just the nature of in the relationship. Yeah, but that we're humans. And I know that you know, even though we are sinful people serving and doing our best to serve the Lord, serve each other while we serve, you know, our God given call and purpose and mission. There is going to be times when like in the future, I know we're going to hurt each other again in the future, but I know that we are committed and we have unity. We choose us every day. And we we really know that, okay, well, if if there's hurting involved here, then that that's an opportunity when when there is something that I've said that is cut or because my words are sometimes a little harsh. And I'm working on that. Like I know that's a blind that's not really a blind spot on my I know that is a that is definitely something I can work on. Like that's not even a blind spot. And I have to be very careful because Jake's leveling which is words of affirmation. So I know I have to work on that. But when I say something that hurts Jake, yes, Jake can be hurting, but he also knows, oh, she said that out of her own hurt. So I can put my hurt aside. Yeah. And I can, you know, we can kind of peel back the curtain on, okay, what's the root of this issue? Because that's really where the vulnerability is. It's not in the, like, yes, fighting can happen and you can throw darts at each other. But it's like, why are we even throwing darts to begin with? Getting to the root is really where that vulnerability starts to kind of come. Yeah. And I want to take it a level further. And if you have a relationship with Jesus, you know, this if you don't invite you to experiment and learn with this. But vulnerability at its core, we need to start with us and God. Yeah. You know, if and you know, we talk about the grace that we extend to which it towards each other, that's because we've been extended grace and self. Yeah, absolutely. Right. And so we love because he first loved us. Like we have a greater source to rely on when we are connected to the vine and connected to the root, which is Christ, then we do on our own. Yeah. Right. And so in our frustrations, in our disappointments and one another, we can lean on and encourage one another in the Lord. And so it's really, but it all stems. And I really want to challenge men here, because it's most challenging, I think, for us to be vulnerable because we have that idea of masculinity and masculinity does resemble strength. There's there is an aspect of strength masculinity, but there is also an aspect of transparency of that vulnerability, right? To be really strong, one needs to show that they were weak, right? That that we have an opportunity to overcome those weaknesses, right? And so just again, I want to challenge especially the men that vulnerability starts between you and God. And it is not until you get to that place where you and God and you are able to fully express and confess where you fall short, that you gain that power of the Holy Spirit to really progress past those, you know, we, you know, he filled, he strengthens us in our weaknesses, right? And so to be able to move past that, you have to really come to terms with it between you and your creator, right? And then you can extend that towards your wife and lead your wife in that because we are called to lead, we are called to raise the water levels, we are called to love and serve and sacrifice, but we can't do that if we haven't done that between us and God. Yeah, and on the flip side too, like as a woman, I have so much hurt and baggage. I mean, we just got off a stage and this weekend we were at a conference, becoming a better use of it. And I shared all that. Like I don't know if I've publicly shared, you know, that I was born to on on wed, on prepared parents. And then, you know, I did come in the world 12 weeks early. And so that was a whole host of things. And by the grace of God, he spared my life. And I know, excuse me, I know that I've been put on this earth for a purpose. But, but, but that like even being vulnerable with people, I mean, that, that stems from I'm solid in my identity. I know who God has made me to be. So I don't have to be afraid of what people are doing. I think I don't have to be afraid of someone's opinion of me because that doesn't really matter because I know deep down at the core of who I am, God has called me first. God fashioned me. He had a plan and a purpose for me. And I think God that my mom instilled that in me very, very young, you know, like even though it wasn't in her plans, like God had it in his plans to have me be on this earth at this time. And, you know, I could bring all of that trauma and baggage. But I lay that down at the foot of the cross. And I'm like, God, you're going to work it all together for our good. And I can choose to bring all of that with me and have that, you know, carried around like a little wrecking ball tied in my feet. But I wouldn't be able to run as fast as God needs me to for my purpose on this earth with Jake, if that was the case. And so, you know, when we know our identity, then we can kind of fully step into who God has made us to be. And, you know, I wouldn't be the wife, I am like, we would not be married if I did not have, if I was not saved. Like if if I didn't have the Lord, I mean, seriously, I like I said, I can be very critical. I can be very cutting. And that's that is just my human nature and tendency. And, you know, I, I just thank God that we have the grace to know that we've been extended that grace. And we can give that to one another because there have been plenty of times when I fall in short. And like, I've literally fallen flat on my face. And Jake's like, okay, we're going to I'm going to pick you up and I'm going to lead you because you need some help in this area. And it's hard. It's hard being vulnerable. But honestly, like it's one of the most attractive things for a man to be strong and who he is. I mean, I think it's really sexy when you are, you know, you show me your heart, you show me your cards. But then you also are like, okay, here's my heart and soul. I've verred it all. But I also have the strength to lead you. And also, it's nice that Jake lifts like he, he, like part of why we work out is to exercise that strength in spirit and body. Yeah. We, we everything is kind of a metaphor and real for us. I mean, we like, we've worked out with weight invest because we know like life is going to come at us with resistance. And so we get to choose if we're going to, if we're going to intentionally choose it so that when the real resistance comes, it's not as difficult. But, but yeah, I just, that's just, that's my little nugget. Yeah. And that was so good. You were preaching there for a little bit. A little bit. I'm just having to shout you down. But it's, you know, I think going back to the, or were you ended with the lifting, you know, and I know I mentioned it in our episode on health. And, but this extends to that, right? And so I initially, I had a dream one night where I woke up and I was like 260 pounds, right? And I'm always, you know, in my, in my adult post marriage life, it was been around 220. And so I had to dream the look up it's 260. I was really overweight. And it freaks him out. I remember that morning. He's like, oh my god. It's like, okay. I ordered a weighted vest of that day so that the only way I would ever be that heavy is if I physically carry additional weight, right? And I knew that in doing so, I would actually drop my own weight. I'd be more healthy, right? And so that's how it started. And then it became, I would be working out and be like halfway through a workout. And I'm like, I can take this vest off right now. Nobody would know. Nobody would judge me like, I want a vest. Nobody did a war of us, right? But it became a burden of my family and my health and acknowledging that I'm not where I want to be. That's part of vulnerability. But I know that I can keep moving towards that. But I keep making those toward moves. And it all takes vulnerability. I mean, the number one thing that I would like y'all to leave with today is that transformation does not happen without vulnerability. Vulnerability is required if you want to transform. If you want to improve any area of your life, it requires vulnerability. And that's not easy. And that's not fun all the time. But it is worth the cost. Oh, one of fun. You will gain so much more. Yeah. I mean, I don't, looking back, I've never, I've never regretted being vulnerable within a safe space. Now, there have been plenty of times when I've been vulnerable with people who weren't safe. And I, I realized that and I had to create some more boundaries and healthy boundaries to protect myself, protect my heart, my mind, and just my sanity, honestly. But in every instance where I've been vulnerable, even as scary it is, it has been whether that be a our marriage, a friendship, a family relationship. And if I'm sharing with the right people in a safe space and a safe relationship, I've never regretted it because as even though there might be fear attached to, okay, what are they going to think of me? What is this? If they truly care about you and they truly want you to thrive, then they are going to do what they can to help you, to push you forward, to challenge you. And the challenging might be uncomfortable, but it's for your best in mind. If that is a truly healthy relationship for you and that goes for for marriage, that goes for any sort of relationship, but if it is a truly safe relationship that you should continue on, then it should help you be better in the long run. Yeah, there's two things I want to add to that one. Vulnerability will also empower your significant other to be vulnerable. Yes. And so again, men, I think it starts with us because we have that mandate of leadership is that Brittany didn't learn to be vulnerable. Let me say vulnerability is a learned thing. Yeah. Right. And so when we see others vulnerable, we will ourselves be more likely to be vulnerable. But if it's kind of like that, you know, who's going to change first? Who's going to do this first? Like if you're constantly waiting on the other person in the relationship to take the step, then it may be that you guys never get there. Yeah. You know, one of the things we've heard is merit. I'm going to misquote it. What's the quote about it's not 50 50? Oh, marriage is not 50 50. It's got to be 100 to 100. And I know some people are going to be like, well, you know, sometimes you're going to bring more to the mayor to the table, you know, in different seasons. Yes, that is true. 100%. Bring your best, no matter what that best looks like. Today, my best might look 100 times than my best yesterday or tomorrow, depending on what I'm carrying with the daybrings. But if I go to bed and I can lay my head on the pillow and no, I did everything I could in my power to contribute to our relationship and move us forward, then that's what, you know, that's what I can go to bed knowing that I did. And I think, you know, it's hard because some people are like, well, it's a relationship. It's a partnership 50 50. It's like, well, yes, but you don't want half in half and half. Like you want both partners to be at a level that is like top notch. Because if you both put in half your effort and half your effort, well, then that's like it's not going to be as good as it can be. Absolutely. And I think just for further clarify, so let's say effort and capacity. Yeah. Right. So you each want to be at 100% effort. Yeah. Right. Now your capacity may change day to day. Right. You may have kids. You may have a report. You may have whatever is, you know, whatever is way under place. And so your capacity may be diminished on a certain day. But what matters is that the capacity that you do have, you're giving 100% effort towards that. Yes. That's a great way to break it down. And in light of that, it is the responsibility of the other spouse to recognize. You know, again, I think I think about Jesus a lot of times in marriage, one of our mandates. But when Jesus saw the crowds, when Jesus, when people came to Jesus time after time, you know, and it could be seen as frustrated, it could be, you know, Jesus had compassion on them. You know, I think we still oftentimes can get frustrated when we should be having compassion. Yeah. Right. And so if Brittany is operating at 20% capacity, do I think that she wants to operate a 20% capacity? No. Like I know, Brittany is on all in. If you know, Brittany, she's all in everything she does, what she says, so it's her tagline. But she may be only at 20% capacity. Now, I can be like, Brittany, like, you know, don't you care about our stuff? Don't you care about this vision? Don't you? Etc. Etc. And that would just tear her down and that would break her and that would be a stupid move of me, honestly, because I am attacking my source of strength. Yeah. Right. When really it's a, it should be a compassion. Honey, I'm so sorry that you're busy today. Yeah. Can I, can I step up and help in any other way? Yeah. You know, and just having that perspective of, again, your capacity may be vulnerability. Yeah. Right. So it, we need to get, as I've said before, out of ourselves and into the team, you know, and just and acknowledge that we're too imperfect people. I think that's kind of the theme today. Yeah. But that requires vulnerability. That requires grace vulnerability also requires grace from the other spouse, right? And especially, I've seen this, you know, we've seen this and studied this a lot. But if, if there's addiction and marriage, if there is a, you know, whatever the issue is, our tendency is to hide and to carry shame and tend to avoid, but addiction will not be broken without vulnerability. Yeah. And it may be a shock to your spouse and it may, it may be super hurtful. It may be super hurt. Yes. Because you are likely choosing something over your spouse or over your family. However, you cannot get through that without being vulnerable and you really need to take that step, which may be scary and it may be a kick in the face to you or your spouse or both. However, it doesn't negate the fact that the only way forward is to be vulnerable to expose and to move forward. Yeah. One other thing while you were talking that I was thinking of is part of vulnerability is yes. Kind of removing your shield and showing your cards and your heart and all that. But the other part is Jake does a really great job of this. He, he says all the time he studied me for years. And like when we were doing Longest since in Japan, I could breathe wrong on the phone and he would know something was up. And so when your spouse, like let's talk about capacity or your spouse is a little bit off or your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever your relationship is, when your significant other is a little bit off or they're acting in a way that is not normal to their character in a negative light, then that's for like, let's just say like Jake's having a tough time, whatever, something's just not driving with us. Then that's an opportunity for me to say, Oh, okay, let me create a safe place for him for him to be vulnerable because something is going on behind the scenes. And I may not know it, he may not know it, but having that, hey, we're in this together, let's figure this out. And in a marriage more so because you are like bound to one another year, unified, you've made fows. And depending on what it is, like the severity of it, you know, within a dating relationship, you know, you're still evaluating if you are fit for marriage, like to take the plunge and, you know, go all in at life together. But I think whenever something like that happens, it's, it's an opportunity for, you know, vulnerability, it's not all on one party to show their cards. Like it's on the other two to kind of know, like, you're not acting normal. Like, let's look at this together and see, see what we can, we can do together. Yeah. I think we're probably getting towards the close of this. Yes. But I think one of the other things I would like to leave you all with is vulnerability is an opportunity for connection. Yeah. You know, and you should never be more vulnerable with anybody than your spouse. Right. So Brittany will see parts of me that only Brittany sees. You know, Brittany will see emotions of mine that only Brittany sees. Brittany will see attitudes, you know, passions, whatever it is that only Brittany has access to. And that is a responsibility as well. Yeah. But we can steward that and and there is so much fruit that comes in that vulnerability. Yeah. But it doesn't take it without work. Like I said, you know, we've hurt each other in the past and we've had to rebuild trust and that takes time. But they're the fruit of vulnerability is so rewarding. Yeah. To just have somebody you can fully be known and loved by like that quote said. It's beautiful. And it's just, it really challenges us. It's not easy. It's a practice. It's a learned, you know, skill. It's a learned way of doing things and being. But once you start to practice it, the fruit will be 10x. The fruit will be so much worth it. Yeah. All right. Well, we've got a couple of things that we want to talk about. So hope you guys like that conversation. We've got some fun things coming up. We have our first free challenge happening this weekend. So if you are listening to this live, it's happening February 24th and 25th. You can find all of the information in the show notes below. But that's going to be a free challenge. It's the forever honeymoon challenge. So if you are curious about that and you want to have a forever honeymoon, join us. It's going to be fun. We'll be on live calls and just just a quick drop. Yes, it'll be fun. Why is it called forever honeymoon? It is called forever honeymoon because we believe that the honeymoon state does not have to end like Jake and I are forever going to be on our honeymoon. And I don't care if people think that we're disgustingly in love. I love it. I love that. I love. I love. I love. I told Brittany we're going to start traveling and saying that we're on our honeymoon. And they're going to ask like, when did you get married? Four years ago. Yeah. Anyways. So that's one. And then what else do we have coming up? We have a actual live masterclass. It's going to become me up. It's our forever honeymoon masterclass. So we're honeymoon masterclass. It's going to be going a lot deeper and further than the content. The content. Thank you. In the challenge. But it is going to be super rewarding and exciting. I mean, it's going to be so much fun. We're going to basically we're going to do a lot of live Q&A. We're going to take a lot of these principles that we've talked about in our podcast. But we have a specific framework that we want to walk through to help you create your dream marriage to help you create your dream relationship. And we are just super excited for it. So that is going to start on the 29th. So it'll be Thursdays for four weeks and you can find all that information below. But thank you so much for joining us today. If you need anything, give us a holler and we'll see you next week. See you.