Choose Your Own Cousin

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What's it like to buy a car from Carvana 100% online and get it delivered to your door? Let me tell you. Your car is here, Mr. Shaq. Thank you, Mr. Carvana guy. Can't wait to take it for a spin. Only the best for you, Mr. Shaq. Hey, have you always been so big, tall and handsome? Not always. I was 6'10 once. Seven days delivered or returned, Mr. Shaq? Not that I would. You never do. No, I never do. So buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, we're the way to epitomize the sartorial success, derides Mark's bullets, and apes Ian Livingstone. Bubba Bath Bomb gets clean, tests a beast, and stars as the lone member. Meticulous Mark gets slain by Sandy Sam, slaps bees during bat sex, then goes on an amazing adventure. From losing squared to damning choices, it's time for Choose Your Own Cousin. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm your host again because the wheel gods deemed it so, and I'm not complaining. Joined as always by my co-hosts. Mark and Bob. Hey, boys. Hello. Golf rules, huh? Funny thing. I know. The odds would be giving myself that one point. Can you imagine how things would have turned out otherwise? It wasn't even a point you had to give yourself. You just did that. I really did. Otherwise, man, Mark, you had 16 to Bob's 15. You could have, like, double lost. What? Why would it be a double? Wait, hold on. If I didn't give myself the point, I'm thinking about the golf rules. I guess you would have won if golf rules hadn't come up. I would have just lost. I wouldn't have been double lost. It would have been just a loss. Well, losing to me is pretty embarrassing. That's definitely, like, a double loss. Can I be a loser if tomorrow I might be shot in the desert or be given the ILS? The International Lace Station? Yeah. Wow. Why? Hold on. There's a lot to unpack in what you just said. It's from the last episode. We were all there. Oh, you think I remember what happened in the last episode? I don't even know who hosted that thing. That's a lie. He's lying. He's lying. He's lying. He's lying. I caught him. Oh, do I get a lie point just in case? And then the wheel gives you a lie points count and golf rules? I don't think so. I have a fun episode in store, but I don't even know how I'm going to do points in this one. It's going to be weird. We'll see. It's going to be weird part seven. We'll see. I'll find the caterpillar. So, how goes things? Mark, you're back in familiar territory, it looks like. I took a shower. Oh, sorry. No, it's fine. Whatever. How was it? Did you scrub? Where did you scrub? How did you scrub? And where? It may not sound important or consequential, but it's a whole thing for me to take a shower under running water right now. Have I mentioned my foot? My foot's real fucked up. It was really, really nice to take a shower. It wasn't even a real shower, because even with the thing covering my cast, you have to dangle it way off to the side. So, I'm doing a one-legged squat with my leg off as far away as possible. I haven't felt this good in days. I was going to say months. Taking a real shower, man. It's nice. I never enjoy showers more. When you're at home, showers are a pain in the ass, because you're like, "Oh, I got to get wet, and I got to wash, and it's a whole thing, I got to get clothes on." I sound like a disgusting human being. No, no, I'm with you, I'm with you, I hear you. It's a burden, but when I'm at a hotel, I shower twice a day. I love showering in a hotel. I don't know why. It's no different. It's not like the shower is any closer, but for some reason, when I'm traveling, I'll be like, "I'll shower before I leave, I'll shower as soon as I get back to the hotel." I'm like, "Oh, finally I can shower." Is it just having unlimited pumps of various fluids? Well, yeah, so are you, you're not the kind of person where you bring your own stuff, right? You use whatever's there. Yeah, yeah. I don't care if someone's secretly putting air in there. You already didn't have, it wouldn't, yeah, you'd be fine. That would just be shampoo for you. Oh, okay. But, no, I'm totally with you. Even if it's a shitty shower, it's like, "Reveal your secrets, how do I get a good shower?" And it's a whole, yeah, no, it's weird. But I, you know, I bathe regularly. I want to point that out to everybody who thinks I'm just operating on a pig pen level where I'm stink lines emerging from my body. But I. Sam, you know what to do. Put stink lines on Wade. The stinky reverse card. I'm segueing this into my small talk, which has nothing to do with my travels, which no one will ever hear about, and more to do with what probably is going to happen. I'm going to get the ILS tomorrow. I was thinking when we recorded last time. Oh, no, by the time people hear this, I will have had it. Sam, put it in my hands. See? It's here. It would be real awkward if you get shot in the desert. It's a picture of the crime scene in the desert. Sam, put my fate in my hands. Well, here's the thing. Sam's going with me. So. Oh, shit. So if this episode, if this episode never comes out, everybody knows what happened. But I could get the ILS tomorrow. I'm going to bring a lot of my lenses. Not all of them. I'm not going to overwhelm them. You show up in the middle of the desert, just like a tractor trailer, and you just like unpack the bag like, "All right, let's try out these lenses, boys." A crew pops out and just starts unpacking like a tables and lenses. Yeah, I kind of do want to do that, and I'm going to. Because the thing is, like, I know I'm going to break it instantly. I'm going to break it so fast because, I mean, the rest of it's like a GoPro because I chuck this thing around. I literally got footage of me in my pool. Just like. Throwing it as hard as I can. Really cool shots of just like it skipping along the surface. And then one went actually out of the pool and just went. Over on the. Scraped up a little bit. It's fine. It's a little cosmetically damaged. But I'm like, this one I can't because it's not waterproof if you put the lens on there. It's like weather resistant as much as the lens is. But it's. The sensor's exposed, right? So if. Without a lens on there. So it's like, I can't dunk it in, but so I kind of. But I'm going to break it. I'm going to break it instantly. And I'm not going to be able to get another one for a while. I'm going to break it in the first six hours and then send an email and be like, hey, so I'm still pretty close to your office. It was like this when you gave it to me. I was just afraid to tell you about it. All right. Well, here's the thing, actually. They invited me while I was out there. They were like, how much time you got? Like, would you want to go skydiving? And I'm just like, what in the Red Bull? Like, how the. Do you guys just have that? Is that just what GoPro is? They got hot air balloons? Ready to go out the back. They just got a bunch of parachutes. They have a room full of cameras and then they have the runway. That's it. That's their office. For some reason, I know they're not. But I think GoPro and Red Bull are like owned by the same company because Red Bull always has like GoPros everywhere. And it's just like, I think that they're and they both do the extreme action shit. So I forget sometimes that those are those type of people. And I'm not right. So I'm like, I don't want to go skydiving. I really don't. I'm expecting like an ad line to like show us how you GoPro and it's like someone skydiving, like first person cam. So when running with bulls like dodging and then there's a GoPro set up watching Mark in the pool, throw another GoPro against the wall because that's just so boring. I'm filming bees and bees are really cool and all. But at the end of the day, the object, the look of filming bees is really dumb because I'm just through a bush like, oh, oh, ah, come back here, bee and oh man, I've got footage of it. I chased a bee into a spiderweb. Oh, I felt so bad. Oh no. And I didn't even get that shot after. I turned the camera away. It got out of the spiderweb eventually. But I just, I felt so bad because not only did I chase it in there and it's got tangled up in webs. I didn't even get a footage of it. I was such an idiot. The bees tragic life flew into a spiderweb, escapes, flies into a Venus fly trap, escapes and gets hit by a car. Cars totaled. Bees fine. The bee. The bees built different. Then that bee became the king. I didn't even know there were king bees, but that one, it got the title. Did you know? I didn't know bees when they mate with the queen. They ejaculate so hard. You can hear a pop because also their entire butt explodes. That must be what's going on in my knee. There's bees in my knee having sex. That's the only answer. Sitting on the table in the orthopedist office and like, well, Mr. Barnes, I'm afraid you've got bee ejaculation in your knee. According to Mark's GoPro footage, here's what's going on. A doctor standing in the operating room. just hefts a GoPro, and then it's just like, it skips it off the body on the table. like man what a shot could you please bend over put your hands against the table you hear like the snapping and the lubing up the doctor's hands have no gloves you're like wait what are you here's a live look at what's going on in the whoa oh that was the other small talk thing i had i made a mistake this past week guys so we have a tesla model y for going around town doing that sort of stuff and it needed a service and i scheduled it and i was going to take it into the service center and i was one of those where i was just gonna sit there and wait because it was only supposed to take like an hour and they sent a message that was like well if you're gonna be here do you want to test drive another car uh-oh and i was kind of like i mean i'd rather test drive a car than sit in a waiting room i guess uh and i looked at the options and it was the car i already have the car i already have but smaller the model three model three and then cyber trucks and in my brain i was like there's a zero percent chance i'm ever going to buy a cyber truck but that means there's a very small chance i'm ever going to get to drive one and i love driving new cars i think it's interesting i've only driven a couple other pickups i was just like curious enough that i was like sure i did not make it off the lot before the first time i drove it and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like okay i'm gonna buy a new one and i was like the fucking terrifying god damn it was so fast that it just felt dangerous pretty much anytime you actually hit the throttle but even when i thought i was gonna die in the ugliest truck ever made the shame of knowing that someone might see my mangled corpse inside of what they would know to be the mangled wreck of a cyber truck was so embarrassing that i was like never mind i could not stand it it was awful but it was really really fast so if you care about only one thing and that's the fastest scariest feeling vehicle you could possibly own maybe it's for you but god i didn't i underestimated how ridiculous it would feel to be inside of and holy fuck i guess i could say i've done that now but i i i truly don't ever want to be in a cyber truck if i can help it there's there's nothing that uh i think that it would appeal because i because i have another electric truck and i when i drive it i only feel the shame of driving an f-150 which you know as an american that just naturally is purged from my body the natural shame i was i was in europe and you know selling what what i drove i was just like i have to tell him yeah i drive an f-150 but it's electric you know i'm not one of those americans i'm just another american but then again there was this other there was this other guy one of the people i was talking to is actually one of the one of the best apparently uh uh long-range marksman in europe like does competition and things like that uh and so he was telling me i was i i just have to say like hey what round you shoot and and because i was i didn't know if i know he was like 22 11 no he said i know big ones i know bigger ones bb shack here what's it like to buy a car from carvana 100 online and get it delivered to your door let me tell you your car is here mr shack thank you mr carvana guy can't wait to take it for a spin only the best for you mr shack hey have you always been so big and handsome not always i was 610 once seven days delivered or returned mr shack not that i would you never do no i never do so buy your car today on carvana delivery fees may apply see our seven day return policy at carvana.com he said six millimeter i was like oh a six millimeter creed board and he was like oh you know i'm like i'm american anyway shut up fuck you pulled out bullets which are all like glued together like yeah here's my got him through tsa knew these weren't a threat i can't believe of all the things you remember is my goopy bullets i can't remember because it's just not an image i ever expected how do you not remember like the contents of the last episode but you remember i got goopy 22 because it's so funny i spent the last two days at the pool which was fun i took it really easy sunday just kind of like i was like oh i'm like floated around with molly and relaxed and then yesterday my nephews came by and we were tossing football in the pool so it's the first time i've really gotten to throw football since the knee injury hasn't that sort of asking for trouble no i was i was cleared for light activity and pool activity so just lightly tossing it's not like i was diving or tackling or anything but it is that time i gotta take us into our episode because this one this one might run a little long i don't know i spent a a long time putting this together especially for me i spent three or four hours i was also probably like in a fugue state for the last half of it so god knows how this is actually gonna play out but it's a game and i put it together i did i put an effort guys i did we'll see about that oh i mean good job yeah okay thank you thank you thank you yeah it'll be great so i have built a choose your own adventure game and i'm not going to title it right now but we're gonna let you guys play through it we'll see how it goes this is my first attempt at doing this so i i told you guys before in this episode it's probably a lot of me talking but hopefully you guys can have some banter and fun in the middle of it and stuff but i made a choose your own adventure and uh it's kind of it's scripted out how it starts so you guys there's no flipping you guys just kind of go in the order i wrote it out in but my first attempt at putting the director's hat on look out mark coming for your job i'm so ready mark you find yourself driving through the countryside you've received word that one of your cousins who lives near here with his family has been going through a rough time and decided to pay him a visit you two were close as kids and though you've grown a bit estranged you still love him and want to offer some support now that it's into autumn your drive is a beautiful one with the leaves turning shades of red yellow orange purple and brown while the green is quickly becoming overrun by these other colors the weather is beautiful there's hardly a cloud in the sky as you make your way down the country highway towards your destination you come across a scenic overlook a nice place to stop stretch your legs and look out at the river bend your first choice is do you stop and take a look at the scenic overlook or do you keep driving since you got places to be well my cousin is in trouble and needs help he's had a rough year i would think i would keep going me me i would in this hypothetical just because i'm driving for a purpose it's i i'm enjoying the scene as i'm driving i don't need to stop dip my toes in a river or nothing like that i'm i'm plowing on you decide to keep driving and evening it's later and later it starts to get a little dark turn your headlights on you're going through a bit of a forest when all of a sudden out of nowhere an animal darts across the road something large you can barely see you go to swerve around it you maintain control of the car but you feel up you know something's wrong you're forced to pull off to the side and when you get out and go and check out the car you see that your front right and back right tires are flat you do have one spare but unfortunately it looks like you're kind of stranded shit you haven't seen a lot of cars out especially this late but you could wait in the car hoping somebody drives by you don't really have great service you're in the middle of the countryside in the woods so cell service is a bit spotty so your choice is to either wait in the car hoping somebody comes by and i'll give you some assistance or you can hop out follow the highway hoping you come across a gas station or small town here soon did i hit something is that what happened to the thunk thunk sounded really like i ran over the thing i was trying to avoid when you go to investigate you can't really see what caused the tires to pop like it seems like you must have maybe you hit some nails or something the tires are pretty fucked up but like you don't really see what caused it did i see where the nearest gas station was when i passed it do i know how long ago that was it has been a long time since you've seen anything the way you came from you're assuming there has to be something not too far ahead because just the way that driving works do i know how far from my cousin's place i am not exactly you've not been here in a long time you would estimate a couple hours uh a couple hours by car oof um not necessarily but i'm not necessarily maybe a couple hours walking okay all right uh what time is it it's dark outside at this point so we're probably looking at i don't know 10 11 p.m i'm guessing i don't have a phone this is you do but there's no service it's well do i got games on my phone i mean i'd imagine some especially so you can play offline like all right sweet sweet you know there's at least two games you can play offline in 2026. all right i'm sticking in the car i'm sticking in that car i'm sitting around waiting you know i got gas i got i can turn on the heater if it gets cold but better survival i guess we're gonna pause you there and we're gonna go over to bob oh i thought i was just listening for this whole episode another day another dollar you've lived in this small town your entire life the past few years you've been working at a local grocery store is the lone member of the closing shift prices have gone up recently people have been driving you crazy with their grumpiness or maybe it's your grumpiness it's hard to tell life here is boring the days blend into weeks split into months so on and so on the town's recently upgraded its power grid now boasts high-speed internet only you know that this high-speed internet is still 20 years behind the times anywhere else well at least it's a step in the right direction you're browsing your phone waiting for your shift to end when all of a sudden this high-powered power grid goes out not the excitement you were hoping for but it figures not like you wanted to finish reading that article anyway do you go outside and investigate the power outage or wait inside hoping it just clicks back on really been stuck in a rut i always keep the temperature in the store a little warmer than i'd like is it a cool evening i would say it's still relatively warm outside it's into a fall at this point so it's not like blistering hot but it's a warm dry evening well if it's not humid i guess i'll see what it's like outside maybe it'll be more pleasant than inside it's kind of stuffy in here so peek outside um you step outside and you notice that i mean it's late and you guys are one of the later stores around town there's not that much to do it's a small town after all but you don't really see any lights anywhere the parking lot's empty other than your bike that you typically ride to work there's one car in the parking lot which looks like one of your regulars cars but no one's there otherwise it's just kind of dark out there the only thing that's of note is this car i guess your choice is uh go investigate the car or go back and wait out your shift i walk up to the car and test if it's locked just for security purposes you walk up to the car and you find that the driver's side seat is open so the door is just open there's groceries bought from your store sitting on the passenger seat you don't see keys you don't see much else though well under your foot you see a piece of paper you pick it up and examine it and it's a flyer it says meeting tonight at midnight at the farm with the farm being capitalized i mean you know of the place they call the farm you're from here and you know what they're talking about but it's kind of strange if there was a meeting at the farm and mr hanley whose car it is that you're seeing he's one of your regulars if he was going why would he leave his car like this why wouldn't he have just driven there or at the very least closed his car door and left i guess you have a couple options you could go check out the farm place you've been before or you could say you know what it's late not my problem i'm gonna wait lock up the store and go home i mean i tell you we can sell anything anyway there's no power so i am gonna check and see if the keys are in the car there's no keys around unfortunately do i know how to hotwire the specific model of car you do not but you do have your bike yeah i guess i'll run how far is the farm how far of a bike ride is the farm not too far probably 10 15 minutes oh that's pushing us on the edge of the range i'm willing to ride my bike just to see if anything is happening somewhere i guess i still have to go see i definitely don't want to stay at work in the dark with no power or anything so well you can lock up and go home or you can lock up and go to the farm either way you're probably gonna lock up the store yeah i lock the doors so no one can just come and steal shit and then i ride my bike over to the farm because it might be the first thing that's happened here and then i'm gonna go to the farm and i'm gonna go to the farm and i'm gonna go to the farm in literally years as you're running to the farm mark i'm gonna cut back to you playing games playing games on your phone waiting it out as you're waiting a car passes you try to reach out and like wave them down but they keep going past you by you wait a bit longer and this time you see the headlights you wave your arm out and they kind of pull over stop and somebody gets out kind of yells cautiously over hello there uh you need some assistance you'll never believe it oh man this road's gonna be a lot of fun i'm gonna go to the farm and i'm gonna go to the farm and i'm gonna go to the farm and i'm gonna go to the farm and i'm gonna go to the farm and i'm gonna go to the how'd you avoid it both my tires back ones exploded i've been here a long time i don't know how long i was playing games it was real fun hey how do you help me well i can offer you a ride as far as the motel not too far ahead and maybe you can call for help from there get someone to tow your car in and replace your tires but uh i'm just passing through for the night it's kind of late maybe i'll stay at the motel too i can give you a ride over there we can have a room together oh i don't know about that i don't know you that well stranger but all right save money they usually come twos how do you help me not only can you give me a ride you could give me a room no i'm going i'm going hell yeah i leap through their window from my window you hop in the car with this stranger yep and you make some small talk they talk about you know they're here to see some family this and that and um part of a business venture they're hoping to get some funding because their family has yada yada yada blah blah blah blah you make small talk you tell me here to visit your cousin and it's actually relatively peaceful it's nice to have companionship after a while you still can't seemingly get phone service as you get closer and closer to town but eventually the motel comes into sight and this guy pulls off parks and you get to the motel last chance to be roomies he appreciates your offer but lightly declines and gets himself a separate room so you are staying good you walk up to the you know the clerk or bellhop or whatever and you say you need a room and they ask for a name you heard a market player he says no doesn't really look up just scribbles it down all right well puts you in room seven should put the other guy in six you know what i mean you know what i mean yeah thank god you didn't get that so you go into your room uh you've got your bags and everything the guy was nice enough to let you put your bags in there got your car keys even though your car is stranded but when you go to use the phone to call for like a tow truck uh there's no ringtone it seems like the phones are down for whatever reason so you're not able to get a hold of anybody tonight and your phone's still not working but whatever you're tired you've got a room you lock up make sure the windows are locked doors are locked whatever and you go to sleep for the night you are awakened in the middle of the night though to the sounds of rustling uh whispered conversation maybe even a bit of like a scuffle or a struggle it's hard to make out the noises but it sounds strange it's probably i don't know four in the morning at this point could be nothing you could just ignore it and i'm going for it as fast as i can my best buddy might be in trouble you go you unlock the front door you swing it open to go see what's going on but well there's a group of people wearing i don't know masks and strange outfits and they're actually positioned in a semicircle around your room and as you open the door one of them walks up and says it won't be in vain and as you're contemplating what that means everything goes dark like the lights you're dead oh okay we had a death yay it's gonna be tough to come back from that we do what everyone does to choose your own adventure we don't go back to the beginning we just go back a step oh i see i see i see i've never done that all right bob we're gonna cut back to you yeah i was riding my bike about 10 or 15 minutes to the farm as you approach the farm you see there are vehicles here there's people parked here it's kind of late but it looks like there's a bit of a party going on there's something going on here so you approach on your bike and as you get closer you see that they're dressed kind of funny maybe this is like a costume party or something but people are dressed funny over at the barn and it looks like they're maybe someone's hurt they're helping somebody no they're dragging someone into the barn the person looks to be arc unconscious oh sorry sorry sorry unconscious yeah yeah you're not entirely sure but i guess you could stay back here and keep an eye on things or else you could go up and see if they're all right you can approach and investigate a little bit closer up oh i definitely ride my bike up and just sort of casually lay it down like i'm a 12 year old visiting his friend's house just in the gravel in the parking lot like keep walking try and look like i'm supposed to be there you know confidence i'm just going to check it out uh wearing your clerk's outfit from the grocery store and not this strange costume or whatever robe you ride your bike up closer to where this person's being dragged up in the barn and you inquire hey what's what's going on everything okay and multiple figures turn over and a familiar voice whose voice is that they say bob we told you not to come someone quickly grabs you from behind and as you're trying to figure out what's happening the lights go out and you find yourself uncomfortably dead damn it's a lot of death here bark you find time rewind winding whoa you're back in your room you hear rustling outside hope they didn't hear that you could sneeze really loudly and alert them to your presence or you could open the door to investigate or you could try waiting it out uh see what happens there is a window in the back maybe even you want to approach that i think you should see what's outside the door maybe it'll be different this time it'll be different you never know i mean if you listen this is your time as well as mine or see what happens all right you know what no no no i'll i'll wait and see so you decide to wait in the room and you hear the scuffling going on outside you hear murmured whispers and eventually you hear i got one of them there's one more in room seven and now you know you have a feeling that something's not right here that's your room what do you mean there's one more in room seven so again you're confronted with the options of you're telling me there's two people in here well there's one in room seven you can infer where the other one might have been it's not the idea of mark mark laying in bed and he hears that and he's just like no there isn't there are five people in here i love sleeping in room eight your survival senses kick in at this point because thankfully uh mark in this scenario is a little bit more uh apt to survival than mark in real life ah oh i see okay all right and as you hear them say that your your brain starts to comprehend like okay something something's wrong i've heard the scuffle now they're saying they're someone in room seven that's me and then you hear them working at the lock to the door quickly you realize you're in trouble so you go to the back window you unlock it you open the window you climb out and you go to get the fuck out of there i i know how to home alone an apartment real quick that's actually what i do every time i go into a new hotel i i home alone the whole thing it's really dangerous good thing i don't sleepwalk but uh yeah if i can rewind time i know how to fight them and it's just like i gotta throw myself out enough to be able to figure it out how many rewinds do we get oh as many as it takes till we get to uh well i mean technically we both you both just ended i could just end the episode right there but i figured i'd give you a little bit more no i want to find out the answers bob back to you you're watching the barn from a distance and again you see someone being dragged maybe they're unconscious and you have the option to approach or stay back and keep an eye from a distance same options you were presented before i look over and i'm like oh i know those guys and i follow you turn and turn towards home you go to leave but before you do um you see as you look over your shoulder the person that was being dragged in disappears but you see another group walking out of the barn this time carrying there's a group of like four of them carrying a box the box looks very decorated you can't really make out from here much about it but it looks pretty fancy and people carrying that box are on their way out you're not sure where because you're just getting out of there so you hop on your bike and you're just getting the hell out of there and as you're riding you're just getting the hell out of there you're just getting the hell out of there you're just getting the hell out of there you're just getting the hell out of there you're just getting the hell out of there car was in the parking lot there's strange stuff going on over at the farm you find yourself riding your bike to a familiar place a place that you've been to every sunday for the past you know every every sunday for your entire life the old church and as you go up to the church you see that the front door the church is open now the church is always open to people you can always go in but typically the door is at least closed so that's a little strange but maybe someone else is trying to find answers to what's going on in this town tonight so do you want to stop and check out the church or do you want to stop and check out the church or do you want to stop and check out the i very stealthily pull my bike over and carefully lay it down so it doesn't make a sound i draw the 22 i keep tucked in my grocery store waistband and approach the door tactically you pull out your empty squirt gun that you keep on you just for fun i color my 22 you walk up to the church where the door is open and you know that i mean this is a this is a relatively big church the entire town usually congregates here there's a few people that don't you yourself you're not a big believer but your parents go and you attend and it's a nice town tradition so you're familiar with this place and as you go to peep in it's eerily silent you look you don't see anybody you don't hear any movement so you kind of take a step look around there's no one hiding in the shadows just kind of empty you do see that at the front at the pew or i think pew's the right word or altar where the pastor stands normally there's like a little bit of a lot of like a cloth you know decorative cloth that kind of hangs over the front and the back of it the cloth isn't there at the moment and there is a strange symbol carved into the back of the altar facing the pews uh the symbols well you know how like when people draw the sun it's a circle with like little lines coming out to show the rays it's like that but it's instead of a round sun it's kind of shaped like an like an eyeball and there's rays coming off of it and below there are three v's each with a dot in the center is my is my character in this universe unfamiliar with the illuminati it's not exactly an illuminati symbol but i guess there are some parallels you haven't seen this particular symbol before i feel scared as you're investigating that i'm going to cut back over to mark mark you snuck out the window of the motel i sure did and you're running people are looking for you so you you snuck away and now it's just let's book it in case they keep looking as you're running you pass by a or just empty like they wouldn't be of much help to you but eventually you come across one of the taller buildings you've seen in the town it's relatively small town there's not much here that's a nice tall stone church and you see a bike out front and you swear walking in the door as you're running you know that person that's your cousin that's who you came here to see oh oh you go to call out but you've been running for a for a minute you're a bit out of breath so as you go to yell you just can't quite get it out so you stop for a moment you catch your breath you kind of like walk for a minute and then you realize maybe yelling isn't the best idea since you're trying to you know not be caught right now so you make your way over to the church where bob you finally do hear a noise and when you turn around is that your cousin walking into the church he doesn't live in this town you've not seen him in in years but you swear that's mark i swear that's mark whoa did you time travel too i don't know what you're talking about oh right okay did you turn the did you turn the power off to the whole town was that you no why would i do that i don't even know where that would be that's suspicious of me to say it that way but listen now you're being kind of evasive right now i don't know how i feel about that don't make me squirt you i don't want that hey anyway there's probably okay i don't time travel either but if i did i think that people trying to kill me i might have died you seem fine i know i seem fine but i heard whispering and that's like evil yeah i have to agree i have to agree with that that's definitely evil yeah so i ran here from the the hotel and uh i'm what's up with the cell service i i assume that's correlated to the power i don't know because it seems like it's all it's all off everywhere uh yeah well i don't know man it's been a while i um do you want to come back to my place or just reason i'm here well i only have the bike so um i'll meet you there you you're gonna have to walk how fast how fast do you walk maybe i could maybe how how slow can you ride a bike maybe we can make this work we can go i can steal them like what if you run and i'll ride as slow as i can because you said you wanted to get away from someone anyway or whatever yeah i need to go fast i guess i don't know if they're chasing me if they're chasing you they're real slow because this conversation is going on for a minute i'll interject and offer you guys a real choice here if you'd like you two are discussing you're catching up a little bit and you're turning to leave when bob you see that symbol on another door in the church the same symbol on the altar again it's a strange one not one that you recognize but there it is carved into that door all the same you two are talking about leaving trying to get out of here and you can do that or maybe there's some answers here as to what's going on you could push in and investigate the church a bit deeper you know that there's like the pastor's chambers he's pretty sure there's like a basement archive here do i know if this church has a parsonage wade doesn't know what a parsonage is so that's where the pastor lives it's the house often attached to the church i would say this seems like the kind of place that that would be yeah that's that's probably yeah i would say the pastor's like chambers slash parsonage are probably one part of this in fact you think the door with that symbol probably actually leads there um which is also happens to be where the access to like the basement other stuff is because you know they don't want people that's walking in the church have access to everything so you can go back there and check all that stuff out so you guys can go and investigate that or you can leave that's up to you i hold my squirt gun up by my face and look tactical all right mark you go in and investigate and i'll guard the door all right okay i like that i like that i'm all about that plan all right do i have a choice in this i mean you could disagree with him but you ultimately you two have to come to a consensus do we both have to go to the same place or can we screw with you you're both in the church or you're both leaving the church you remember how to choose your own adventures the video comes to an end mark's like hey do you do this do you click on one of the two options i'm giving you the two options well i'm with what he says i'm down to stay as long as you we scooby do this and we split up yeah we're staying but we're i'm staying over here and you're staying over there okay i mean i can change the wording but you know the description is going to stay pretty much the same of what happens we'll see about that i'm going to do this we'll see about that mark you go through the door with a symbol on it and you find yourself in the parsonage or the chambers and you're looking around parsonage parsonage parse ah great the symbol that you saw on the door again the eyeball with the rays coming off the three v's with the dots in the middle that's everywhere back here written on papers it's carved into you know little wooden figurines and stuff that that symbol is just seemingly in the middle of the door you're looking around parsonage parsonage parsonage oh great the symbol that you saw on the door again the eyeball with the rays coming off the three v's with the dots in the middle that's everywhere back here written on papers it's carved into you know little wooden figurines and stuff that that symbol is just carved into you know little wooden figurines and stuff that that symbol is just seemingly everywhere among the documents as you're sifting through seeing the symbol you see a bunch of mentions of something called the shepherd and one of the documents talks about how early on uh whenever the shepherd first came about it was a time of great harvest rain was plentiful livestock were healthy crops were growing like never before and everything in the town was booming and in celebration people brought gifts they brought jewelry carvings food all kinds of things to thank the shepherd for their bountiful harvests over time this seemed to slow down and then there were less and less returns and then there were there's some times of hardship maybe their offerings would become stale they were offering the same types of things every year so maybe they needed to give the shepherd something else something new and increase well the word they use is sacrifices to the shepherd you find other documents referencing the shepherd and different things you know people have given and years of bountiful harvest blah blah blah blah but nothing nothing else that really strikes out and seems that much more interesting that's the most of what you find bob while you're waiting outside in the pews keeping an eye on everything making sure no one else comes in and that you're ready to hit them with your squirt gun that you've now filled i guess with some holy water if you want definitely nothing happens it's pretty quiet other than the ruffling from the other room where mark's going through documents and things old records nothing interesting happens and then mark comes out and will for the sake of argument just share with you what he found for you because you've lived here your whole life you've heard people talk about the shepherd you have some recollection even as a kid of going and giving one of your old toys that you used to love but didn't really care about anymore as a gift to the shepherd but it just seemed like kind of a strange town tradition to thank for the bountiful harvest and as you go to leave the church you guys make your way toward where was it you originally intended to go your house back to my place yeah yeah i mean i'd be down just a parsonage in there it's like 4 30 in the morning so i don't know what the other options really are but he works the night shift at the convenience store it's that makes sense as you make your way you two make your way toward bob's house there's kind of like a bunch of patrols going around through the town didn't they i don't think so i don't think so i don't think so there's a bunch of patrols going around through the town didn't they there's a bunch of patrols going around through the town didn't they there's a bunch of patrols going around through the town didn't they there's a bunch of patrols going around through the town didn't they different groups of people with different groups of people with different groups of people with flashlights talking to each other with flashlights talking to each other with flashlights talking to each other the road to your house there's like a the road to your house there's like a the road to your house there's like a barricade almost set up there's barricade almost set up there's barricade almost set up there's people set up with their cars and people set up with their cars and people set up with their cars and flashlights it looks like maybe even flashlights it looks like maybe even flashlights it looks like maybe even some of them are armed and they're just some of them are armed and they're just some of them are armed and they're just blocking different paths you don't see a blocking different paths you don't see a clear way to easily get to your house but you can either go up to the barricade and see what's up maybe this is unrelated the person at the barricade isn't wearing same robes you saw at the farm or you know the people you may just may have glanced at mark as you were running from the motel they're not dressed the same but they are barricading the road or i mean the patrols this is a small town there's only so much room they can cover there maybe are ways around the barricade so you don't have to go up to it but if you're trying to get directly to your house that's probably the fastest way hey cousin is this normal it is not oh god no god says it's not normal all right i got you boys have they spotted us yet no i'd say they have not i gotta say my instinct was to toss my squirt gun into your hands and then run at them screaming he's chasing me he's got a gun just to see if i could get myself through actively choosing not to do that because we're cousins thanks cuz uh bye i have no other strategies for this type of situation so i don't know we'll just see if we can get get through there i mean is your house like do you got guns at your house do you got oh no it's barely even a house it's technically inside is how i would describe my house so not defensible place you got snacks i got beer i can't really drink yeah it's a tap water it's got so much stuff swimming in it it's kind of like a snack and a drink it's fine i'm i drink it all the time it's fine totally safe you want me to boil it for you it'd be great to be at bob's house but i'm going to remind you your choices are to approach the barricade or go around it either way your goal is to get to bob's house but you can figure out what's there uh if you make it i'm not a metaphysics professor but i do think there's a way better chance we're gonna get to where we want to go if we try not to go directly through the barricade of things people and cars and maybe we just go around it they probably only barricade from the front anyway you try to make your way around and as you're in the barricade you're not going to be able to get to the barricade you're dodging patrols dodging different barricades and just people driving by you're trying to stay out of sight your goal is to not be found because you don't know what the hell's going on here you don't know what this shepherd is you don't know what people in the robes are doing you don't know why people are out blocking off different parts of the roads it's strange a couple of times you have to cut through people's yards you have to cut through the woods a little bit and as you're cutting through the woods you come across what you thought was you remember it being a clearing but not anymore there's cars here some cars that look old and weathered some that look newer and mark your cars here oh my gosh the car still has two flat tires but it's here amongst all these other cars and as you go to look to see if maybe you guys can take one of these i mean there are a bunch of cars here there's no tools left behind there's no spare tires left behind there's no keys got a quick glance you're not going through every single part of every single car but it seems like a lot of these cars have flat tires and those that don't you know you might pop a hood and take a look it looks like the engine was messed with whatever happened to all these cars it seems intentional you guys can take a moment and really search this place to hopefully find either a working car or something useful some information here or you were here what if more cars get dropped off what if somebody comes by maybe it's best just to get out of here as fast as possible so you guys want to search around a bit or do you want to get the hell out of here you're listening to a quick ad you know what else is quick selling your car on carvana just put in your vehicle information and we'll give you an offer done no hassle no negotiation no guy from an online listing lowballing you which means by the time i'm done explaining this you could have basically done it still haven't started hey better late than ever sell your car today on carvana pickup fees may apply dude that's my car you don't have to brag about it i mean that's good congratulations yeah i mean i'm doing really well i mean it's not working right now but i mean yeah yeah i can smell you um these cars all look generally pretty fucked do you know how to like do you know anything about cars no if i did i wouldn't be in this situation man i just buy them with my money that i got yeah i got a lot of it how many cars how many cars you bought you got a lot of money how many cars well you know i kind of buy one i leave it on the side of the road when the tires explode and i buy another you know because i can't get that car to work anymore so i just buy them up and but it's weird that it's here it is weird that it's here i'm just saying i i just came when i met with you we at the church i just came from work and so i'm i'm pretty tired so i if we have to fix one of these cars i'm gonna buy it i'm gonna buy it i'm gonna buy one of these things to to steal it i mean or yours to use yours because it's yours it's not stealing if you use it i guess i'm not really into that um so you yeah maybe we go lay down yeah we can have some have some beer dinner and call it yeah yeah have that water that sounded good it's thick you'll love it god we're going to my house you're leaving without searching further in the car place is what i'm gathering right i looked did you look did you spend some time looking or did you know i looked with my eyeballs and then i i ascertained the truth of the situation yeah aren't you shouldn't you know shouldn't you couldn't you just tell us i've got other people's games i'm running i'm kind of you know omniscient but also like i'm busy so i'm only half paying attention it's kind of my thing you guys aren't the only versions of you i have to watch right now i don't like that okay so you leave with the goal of getting to bob's house maybe finding bob's family that's what i'm gathering you guys are hoping to do i always forget about those guys bob lives with his parents you know oh your parents are still alive so this is your parents house well look the basement is 100 mine so it's like my that's my house and then they live with me in in the part that i let them stay in well let's just get in there then because they probably know what's going on with all these cars and what's going on with all that okay but you have to be kind of quiet because dad's gonna be pissed if we wake him up oh okay all right uncle for me uncle dad yeah you're off to find bob's house bob's family there's some crazy shit going on in this town there's all these cars there's the symbol there's the decorated box uh who knows what else you guys might have overlooked or missed and even if you did know what was going on in this town it still doesn't make any fucking sense everyone's acting crazy and different bob you're realizing that maybe you're wrong but whenever you were watching the barn you heard people talking one of the voices sounded maybe like it was your mom's voice it'd be weird for her to be there especially with what was going on but as you're approaching your house you just have that realization that maybe maybe you did hear her voice there in the distance and the symbol's been nagging at you again you grew up here you know a lot of these people nothing like this has ever happened before but you guys are approaching the house and that symbol just keeps resonating in your mind and maybe you talk to mark about it mark it doesn't really ring any bells for you other than at the church you don't think you've ever seen that symbol before never and you get to the the front of your yard and then you remember there's a clearing a place that's where you brought your gifts that's where you would give your toy that's where people brought their jewelry and things to the hollow and it's like many places here off in the woods a bit but it's strange because this hollow is almost like a bowl shape and it's just dirt nothing ever really grows in the center there's trees around it's in the woods but there's no weeds no grass the hollow is just that it's hollow it's just an area of dirt where there's like a bit of a shrine erected and people would give things to the shepherd you think that that's the name maybe there's something to this hollow because as you walk into the house your family's not there you do find a note that says Bob don't go to the farm but there's nothing else really here I mean there's some snacks there's a drink comfortable beds if you trust sleeping I love sleeping I also love sleeping I got my sleeping interrupted by these murderers who showed up I think I'm I'm excited we're finally back to a place with beds yeah and no murderers seems like it you guys can crash here try to get some rest or maybe you should go out and try to find Bob's parents look man I'm an expert at reading messages this says don't go to the farm where's the farm not here so I gotta say everywhere else we've gone bad news this place pretty cool it's got armed guards outside I've never felt safer I've never felt safer than being in this house with you friends friend cousin actually we can be both i remember it when i said that i said i heard a voice say i love my cousin and i love you so are you guys gonna choose to stay the night here as i finished stripping all of my clothes off all the way down to butt naked i turn around and look at mark and say you know what man i think you're on to something the whole stay in here idea but i'm just gonna throw it out there while we were sneaking through the weird field full of your car and others i just had this thought you know like i know this big sort of hole in the ground type place where nothing grows and there isn't really anything and it's in the middle of the woods it's kind of just like a big empty dirt patch you want to go look at that well you know actually that sounds pretty cool yeah hey the sun's rising it could be really pretty you think the sun sets real late here must rise real early too all right i put on some different clothes that aren't my work uniform you i guess we're gonna we're gonna go check out the hollow all right you know what hey that's a cool name for it the hollow should be called the big bowl in the woods but hollows you know creepier so man i'd just given you guys a choice i hadn't even written in and you guys went back to my script thank you for that sleeping in the house was originally something i had planned but you guys seemed so tired i couldn't how could i not give you the option i'm exhausted it's like five in the morning i'm i got some sleep you guys go to head to the hollow you know luckily for you your family owns a couple of different bicycles so you've got your bike and mark manages to get a bike as well you know your car's not here the family car's not here keep telling them i need a car and you go to pedal over to the hollow again there's still some patrols um there's still the barricades on like the main roads but you found a way here you kind of backtrack a bit and find your way back and you know where the hollow's at and it's a bit further from the central town itself so as you approach the hollows you have less and less patrols and such to worry about but there's some activity over here as you're coming up to the hollow like the people that were at the farm are now over here again you're confronted with the option of do you want to sneak around and listen get a better sight or just go straight in acting like you belong i i belong you're the one who doesn't belong so i'm not really that worried what do you mean you're not from here oh i gotta say i feel less safe here than i did at home at at the house where i'm feeling like maybe we should have stayed but it's way too late i felt pretty solid i think we should be sneaky here in case anyone is being you know bad i mean generally speaking running around screaming it's probably not a great thing to do in the morning anyway i don't make fun of your morning routine but whatever uh so let's so we'll sneak we'll try and sneak around and see what's going on before we la-di-da okay fine i wouldn't look as crazy if you did it with me look i love you cousin but this backwards town of la-di-da people you know it's just like i'm not trying to be racist or anything but you guys are real la-di-dars it's fine well bob started to sneak up without you and then decided to stop and give you that comeback and give you that burn which you feel mark you do feel i do feel he didn't say what name it was but i got the implication on the outside i was like i bet it's a good name because we're all rich but in the inside i know it's gonna hurt so i don't even ask what it was shaking off the burns that you both just succumbed each other to you both start to sneak up a little bit and as you get closer and closer to the hollow itself you can see that there's a service a ceremony some kind of ritual even taking place the decorated box you saw from a distance at the farm bob is up kind of central on a like a wooden built platform and you see your church pastor up there well he's still he's walking down and he's approaching your parents you see them and the pastor is walking over to them as he's approaching them you kind of get a view of the rest of the hollow and you see there's pews set up people are sitting at the pews all the pews facing this central altar um and your attention turns back over to the pastor approaching your parents and it seems like he's not very happy and you sneak up a bit closer and you're listening they're talking about you the pastor's angry that you aren't there and your parents are a bit defensive they say bob's been attending his whole life we've had the good years we've had the bad years and nothing has been different with bob's beliefs all throughout it's not him the pastor responds things have changed we must change we must adapt and give to the shepherd or our way of life will forever cease to be it seems like the pastor is getting more and more animated you're afraid he might even strike or lash out he's trembling a bit his fists are clenched is he carrying a weapon at his side of some kind it's hard to tell because he is wearing ropes but you can choose to keep listening or are your parents in danger i'm not gonna lie cousin this looks really suspicious your parents talking to the pastor guys i'm saying they're about killing something maybe us you know look i i think i i have a i have a plan i have a plan i developed a plan it's uh i'm thinking is you stay here stay low i'm gonna stand up and walk out there are you okay and i'll be i'll be there you'll be near and that's the deal my dear and i stay here and uh i stay hidden and i'll tell them you're cool oh you're gonna tell them i'm here if they don't notice you like maybe you sneak back to the house and just go have a nap but if they notice you because it's possible they'll notice you i'll just tell them that you're cool uh-huh so i i'll tell them you're cool it'll be fine you're gonna la dee da over there you're gonna you're just gonna la dee da that's really that's unrelated i'll walk oh how do you want me to walk would it make you feel better if i walked your way my way i don't walk silly at this point things are becoming very animated they're getting up in each other's faces your parents and the pastor they're yelling they're getting fists are clenched on both sides it seems like things are going to come to blows very quickly i spring into action all right cousin we're doing my plan stay low like i walk out in my traditional manner hello it's me i'm here i got your note mom and dad i'm sorry that i'm late for the this great speech by the way pastor man uh okay i'll just sit with mom and dad and then you guys don't have to worry i'm here just like always i've always been here i always show up and don't look in the bushes behind me it's exactly how you imagined things would go down but as you step out and start to run out and make noise unfortunately you're a moment too late the pastor draws what looks like a ceremonial blade and it goes right across the throat of your mom and she collapses in a heap you yell and charge in that's my battle yell distracting the pastor long enough where he looks in your direction your dad reacts grabbing the blade and thrusting it through the pastor as the pastor goes to drop your dad quickly reaches into his robes and grabs a glowing tube of some kind some kind of just i don't know it's like a rod but it's got a glow to it it's like a glow stick is that a glover but before you can make heads or tails of what you're looking at the congregation is realizing what's happened your dad seizing the opportunity to take control of the situation yells to them the shepherd left us this one blessing as he holds it up and it is now in my possession what's left of my family and i are leaving and if any of you try to stop us i will destroy the shepherd's gift ensuring damnation to us all and the congregation which was starting to charge over freezes stopping in place not daring to risk seeing damage to the shepherd's gift i jump out and i go i'm also family i'm family too do the walk i don't want to do the walk do the walk i can't believe you come on man no i'm just trying they look at you as if they don't believe you oh lordy they freeze once again as they realize you're part of the family i'm doing this as i make my way over don't get don't get fancy don't get fancy whoa whoa whoa da da da la da dee da do do they start moving a little bit you know everyone's heads start to bob yeah which is exactly how you imagined it would be vivid imaginations here mark walks up and joins you to uh shock and adrenaline keeping you guys going at this point where what's happened to your mom hasn't quite sunk in and what's happening around you still doesn't make sense your dad continues to speak and says i will leave this at the edge of town as we leave you can recover it and pray the shepherd returns but if i believe any of you are following us or trying to stop us before we leave i will destroy this without hesitation you two along with bob's dad are forced to leave the body of his wife and your mom behind in the car because your dad thankfully did have a car here as you're driving away you're all feeling very paranoid you're looking behind you you're looking out the windows you're checking the mirrors you're making sure no one is following you you pass by some of the checkpoints or barricades your dad holding up the cylinder and none of them knowing quite exactly what happened but seeing the relic knowing that that that's a key you guys get to go through and you managed to reach the edge of town your dad had promised to leave the relic if you guys were able to leave town and he goes to set it down in one of the last barricade cars before you all leave finally just a moment of humanity washes over him and even you as you realize the gravity of what you saw happen to your mom your dad grips the relic tightly and instead of setting it down he smashes it on the road instead of setting it down as you leave the town behind you forever the drive goes on eventually you succumb to sleep you guys haven't gotten to rest when you wake up he's still driving and he decides to tell you some story about the shepherd the shepherd had arrived in this small town decades ago at this point a very long time ago from the sky was the shepherd an alien was it a spacecraft was he a god it's hard to know for sure his powers whether they were innate or technological did bless the town with harvests and bounties and people were joyous and gave gifts to the shepherd to thank him but one day the shepherd seemingly disappeared or refused to help anymore visitors came into town outsiders and there was an accident they'd come to the town and they were like oh my god what's going on here they were like oh my god what's going on here they were like oh my god what's going on here the hollow whenever there was some construction going on and ultimately they ended up getting hurt and passing away however after their blood spilled in the hollow the following years it seems like the blessing of the shepherd had returned there was a bountiful harvest plenty of rain and the pastor and the pious believe that maybe now the shepherd demanded blood sacrifice your parents were unwilling participants you weren't as pious as some of the other kids and family members in the town and that you were safe at least for a while and that's the only reason they participated was to protect you you pass out again exhaustion and you awaken hearing your dad muttering to himself i shouldn't have done that i know i shouldn't have done that and as you open your eyes you see a light in the sky ahead and then another and then another and a whole bunch of light start to appear you escaped the town and then another and a whole bunch of light start to appear you escaped the town and you lost your mom but whatever lies ahead you know in your bones this time there is no escape except for me right i know you did the dance you're part of the family fuck ah shit i know i shouldn't have i knew you i knew you were up to something with that dance i knew it was up to no good long story short i had i think like i said about 10 endings to this and that was the one of the meh endings like you know not a good ending but not the worst ending the deaths there were there were multiple ways for you guys to die there were and then you guys found a couple of those i think only two of them out of like six or seven i had i tried to die more i tried i don't know that i'll play through this exact scenario with you all again but i can walk you through how you could have gotten the best ending if you'd like and some of the things you missed did you guys was it fun was it good yeah yeah i wanted to know what was gonna happen so there were ways to get more information so mark you waited in the car and found the the guy driving by if you had chose to walk along the highway you could have come across a house where you would have met crazy walter and crazy walter was kind of like an alien conspiracy theorist and you would have seen that same symbol in his house so later on you would have had some information to that and he would have given you some info that you wouldn't have probably believed because he came off as a crazy person but it would have made more sense as time goes on so crazy walter was one of your ways of getting info exploring the church you guys got some information from exploring the church about the shepherd and the harvests and stuff if you abandoned cars a bit more you would have actually found a couple of weapons damn and then whenever you confronted the uh the cult there at the end you would have had a way to actually stop the pastor before he hurt your mom and that way you could have had both of your parents escape and you would have gotten a different ending and your dad wouldn't have smashed the crystal and that would have been the best ending i feel like it's really obvious he shouldn't have done that to everyone it may be that the last half of this i wrote it like two in the morning last night so maybe all the best decisions were used a little bit earlier on ah what can you do that's how it goes sometimes if you've gone the scenic route mark your tires wouldn't have gotten flattened but your car wouldn't have started so your car would have still broken down and you would have had the option to either follow the highway wait in the car or follow the river the river would have immediately also led to death ah yeah there's another way to die i mean that makes sense rivers are deadly oh the crazy walter would have given you a name to use the hotel which would have kept you safe for the night and then time would have worked a bit differently and bob would have had some time at home to sleep and you guys would have been doing stuff the next day but he would have given you a name that people wouldn't have investigated you because it's like the safe word for people's families that wouldn't be in trouble it's too bad i didn't give that to you yeah oh well i'm sure there were some holes like it was my first go at it and i wrote all this in like three hours last night but i don't know just sounded like a fun idea so i gave it a shot and no well done man that was good hopefully you all out there enjoyed watching listening um i did mark down some points but you each only died once individually even though there were there were a couple more ways i think for mark to die by himself because he was coming from the outside whereas you had at least the base town protection so i wrote in some ways for you to die but i think there was like one more way for mark to die than you let me go through the points real quick there aren't a lot of points because mostly i was narrating so i'd have time to write a lot down mark you got points for uh hotel showers rule uh shot in the desert the bees death and consistency with even this like fantasy version of you can't drink alcohol uh right now you have five points bob you got points for i took a shot shower nair is just wade's shampoo cyber truck bob which you shall forever be known as now that's pretty fair you had one death you decided that you would try to bend the rules and fuck with me instead of just following along with the choices which i gave you a point for it was fun trying to give yourself a gun i gave you a squirt gun point and then there at the end i had to give you a shakira point you did the wherever no did i get a point for how are you gonna help me because i know sure i'll give you that was pretty funny are you sure you noticed the shakira thing wade oh did i ruin a bounty for you maybe hard it's hard to get my girl past me i was wondering why you're upset that i gave you a point for i was like man i noticed that i gave you a point i mean that's good but the bounty is only successful if i can sincerely and relevant to what's happening use a shakira lyric and if wade doesn't notice i get the point at the end of the episode but if wade does notice wade gets the point at the end of the episode so technically oh no oh shit no no i gave you a bounty and what do we decide those are two points generally and it's two or or three if it's like a big boy one i would say for me getting it that's worth like a point or two but for you to have gotten that like that's that would be a hard there's a lot of stipulations to that when you didn't say it immediately i was like oh we have a chance and then you the last point you gave me is shakira yeah god damn it you did i mean you integrated it so well i was like man i'm surprised mark didn't comment on it or anything because i was so like the whole time in the back of my mind i was like oh you know what one i don't know how this would have come up but do you know what i had picked out that i really wanted to see if i could get in relevantly and sincerely is from the from whenever wherever there's a line that goes lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains i had that one written out in front of me and i was just like any opportunity come on man i i think i would have just given you a win if you'd gotten that and i didn't notice you would have just won i got naked in front of mark hoping there'd be a setup of some sort then everyone was just like huh he got naked all right come on come on he just does that man he just does it the way it works is you would have gotten all the points so if i did multiple and you notice you could have ended up with any number of points so it's maybe good i just went with one and called it because there were a couple other points where i could have gone for it right now because you put i was trying so hard not to be on the board this time i was like i can't do golf rules again uh the score is bob seven mark six and me two i guess since you said that was a two point one or two whatever doesn't really matter but i'm on the board and i guess we'll do our wheel spins uh i'm sorry i noticed bob i just i could not just assume if i'm throwing shakira in no apparent reason then it's probably none of your goddamn business i really just thought you were trying to get some points for me so i gave you a point i'm fair fair is fair there is that's totally fair it was it was relevant which i was proud of but it was not exactly sneaky i feel like that thought i had it oh man i had that oh look at that oh my god i only have one wheel spin to get another golf rules or if it goes to mark uh the tie i'm gonna go to the tie wheel for the team wheel options um what about tried to break the game bob you tried to break the game multiple times today so whenever the host is trying to do something and someone's trying to break the game here's a reward for being a pest i guess because a lot of times i think i'm the pest so all right we got one spin baby we shuffle let me click the right combination of shuffles i'm gonna scroll the whole list i'm sure this will be enough yep yep yep there we go uh now we have them all on the record we definitely have that on video it'll be fine one spin baby they're all on the record right there that's true i guess i sneezed a chew oh he did actually sneeze oh time travel makes me oh wait oh yeah i thought i was i thought i was behind no it's tied we go to the tie wheel i have currently scribbled that we should be on eight percent as of april 17th has it been that - No, I think it's been that long. - The last time we interacted with the winner's wheel, we added 2%. on april 17th i have it written down and dated on the back of my scorebook the one man show needs to be 29 degrees it wouldn't land on that look how small it looks like how small that is if it does you guys have to write the episode i i get to take the next writing off no matter what are we allowed to just be like it's a one-man show and then both of us walk away and way does whatever he does for 45 minutes no in that case i'll hijack and just declare a winner may the best slice win oh oh i really thought i thought it was gonna stop in there it likes to do that it likes to look like it's just gonna overshoot and then go back and be like this is not my season guys this is not my season i think i saw where someone posted that we were tied i think bob is now up by one i think now it's like five to four to four wins and mark you did have the most points prior to this too it's true that's that's what the score sheet says by by our unofficial official score in the subreddit but now on i'm winning idiots well congratulations um bob do you want to give a winner speech it feels like it's been a while since i won but it hasn't because i win a lot i guess the point of the speech is just to say that everyone is back where they belong and i think that's how it should stay uh this was fun i do wish i had found a way to like trick you into letting me break the game and jump off the timeline and see what happened but i also wish you hadn't noticed shakira so what are you gonna do well it was good good good competition i really tried to get mark killed a lot and i guess our fates were just inexorably intertwined so we did it except we died we i assume we died at the end right that's bad that's what that's not a good situation for the sake of the episode yes but for the sake of what would have actually happened is you guys would have both been teleported back to the beginning before you give the loser speech i will say that um my original intent for this before i realized how long it would take was to have you two separated come together for a few decisions and separate again and then ultimately you guys would have been teleported back to the conclusion but i realized how long it was gonna take to get through all this so i was like i better just simplify it so i cut a bunch out there at the end to make it a little bit shorter so there were more times for you guys to try to get each other killed but i had to shorten it for we still ended up going almost twice the length of an episode so bob good winner speech mark loser speech well you know this just goes to show no matter how much you love your cousins never visit them even if they're in hardship especially if they're in hardship because you never know what's gonna happen there's a giant hole in the ground their parents are gonna die or cause a whole ruckus in the town and upset god so don't piss off god don't visit your cousin oh and the hollow the reason i think that was where the spaceship landed oh i didn't get that i thought it was a giant endless hole in the ground it's radioactive we're all dying of cancer real bad uh the gift the glowing gift was just pure radiation i see whatever homer has in the intro of the simpsons it was one of those thank you guys for participating and for trying to break the game which you technically did i did let you have the option of sleeping naked at your house which wasn't originally written in my scripts but you know i was gonna let you do it hopefully you had fun hopefully everyone you guys enjoyed watching it was my first crack at a choose your own adventure so maybe i'll do it again if you guys liked it if not then you know give it a shot uh stay tuned for the next one where bob will host he's now our current season leader and wins i think at like five and then mark and i are tied at four but we'll see what bob has up his sleeve but it's been a close season it's been fun it was nice hosting for a little bit and maybe my streak will continue follow mark at markiplier bob at myskr merch sometimes at distractible.shop so keep an eye on there check it out maybe there's some stuff to pick up and i guess stay tuned for the next one until then podcast out starting a business can seem like a daunting task unless you have a partner like shopify they have the tools you need to start and grow your business from designing a website to marketing to selling and beyond shopify can help with everything you need there's a reason millions and all birds continue to trust and use them with shopify on your side turn your big business idea into sign up for your one dollar per month trial at shopify.com special offer traditional home security only alerts you after a break-in and that's too late simply safe is changing that stop this is simply safe police are on the way we don't just alert we help stop crime before it starts plan starting around a dollar a day right now get 70 off your 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