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Choke Me Up

51m 49s

Choke Me Up

In this Manchester edition of the podcast, the host checks in from the middle of a busy European comedy tour, listing stops such as Copenhagen, Gothenburg, Berlin, Vienna, London, Hamburg, and Stockholm. He reflects on how far his career has come, noting that his younger self never imagined touring internationally, and he describes Manchester as characteristically gloomy and full of construction cranes. He then turns to the unrest in France, calling it tragic and arguing that protesters and rioters should act without masks so they can be held accountable. He also addresses criticism he received for refusing to take sides on the Israel-Palestine conflict, insisting he genuinely does not know enough and that people deliberately misread his jokes to fit their narratives. He defends comedy as a source of relief in difficult times. Later, he recounts a frustrating visit to a futuristic gym that required an app, a QR code, and a code just to exit, which he found absurdly overcomplicated. He closes with a warm story about meeting a father and son at a coffee shop who had lived near his hometown in New Jersey and his former area in California, and he invites them to his show. He reminds listeners to subscribe and support the podcast on Patreon.

Transcription

9107 Words, 43133 Characters

English
Speaker 1Hey what's up guys congratulations and this episode is where am I I am in shoot I'm in Manchester what's up mate hey guys uh welcome to the show it's Manchester it's the Manchester edition of congratulations and look dude I didn't clean my room I got a messy bed the microphone pack over there and it's all good uh yeah man I saw a lot of you guys talking about the show and I was like oh my god I'm so excited to be here and I'm so talking about how you're really happy that I had still had the podcast on the world tour I got the podcast still coming to you from the world tour it's definitely work you know and I'm and I but I'm getting into more of the swing of things I mean like look I've been traveling every single day I've been well no almost every single day two days sometimes every two days and all that but uh things have been pretty you know bam bam bam and um here in Manchester let's see I was in Copenhagen before that and Gothenburg before that oh gosh I don't even remember I think I got Vienna left and uh London and uh Hamburg and also I have what the last one is Stockholm and I think that's it then I go home so I think I had to do one more podcast on the road like this uh and that will probably I'll probably be coming to you live from Stockholm but right now I'm in Manchester so I did one in Berlin I did one in Manchester dude and he's just well traveled you know he's just well traveled you know he just you know and that's and that's and that's you know I I when I if I told my younger self I was gonna be at all these places and I mean my younger self like if I was 15 16 17 you know if I told my younger places hey you're gonna go to Berlin you're gonna go to Vienna you're gonna go to Stockholm you're gonna go to Copenhagen you're gonna go to Gothenburg first of all I would be like what's Gothenburg Gothenburg because I have no idea probably wouldn't even know what Copenhagen was when I was 17 but now I would be like oh no I'm not oh no I'm not because you know I guess I did want you know look I don't guess I did want to be a stand-up comedian but I don't know if I thought about touring like and how it would be and how I'd be everywhere and all that uh but yeah it's gloomy in Manchester uh of course it's always I feel like it's always gloomy dude when I got to Manchester which was yesterday it was nighttime but when I woke up this morning god every time I say that I go woke up this morning and got yourself a gun that's what I think of dude ah it's just intrusive thoughts and it's the Sopranos song theme song in the in the thing but um so yeah I I woke up this morning and I I I felt the gloominess and that's what it is mate I felt the gloominess and I opened up the the the windows and I go my it's gloomy in it because that's how it is in Manchester right and then I sat I went to go get a coffee at a place great coffee look at me I'm just looking at the there's like it's 30 minutes by the way from one end to the other here they say they say it's 30 minutes that you can walk it maybe I just made it up maybe I just made that up I think I heard that though and um I'm looking at the train in it and I'm looking at the big tall buildings in it and I'm looking at all the fucking there's always a crane right there's always a fucking crane in it there's always a crane no matter what city you're in you look out the window and if you're in literally a fucking um city with building in skyscrapers and stuff like that that's always a crane and I see one so they're never finished building cities honestly if we're if we're brutally honest with each other and we are you know here at the congratulations podcast um France is on fire hi it's sad you know I was just there three no well now at this point a week ago about a week ago I got music uh intrusive thoughts but so uh I was there a week ago and I was walking through that square I was walking through that square where they where they put the the the uh the spray paint black in the in the in the in the statue's eyes you know statues are always like this and they spray paint it in the eyes and it's coming down and it looks crazy it looks like end of times and we're living in the end of times but I was in that square walking through it every day for three days uh and then I left and two days later saw on fire and that's tragic dude they're talking about they were trying to light the light light the Notre Dame on fire I didn't go see it by mistake I saw the Eiffel Tower which I really tried not to but saw it by mistake and um yeah it's just you look at all the people in the in the in the mob and they're all dressed in black covering their faces this is what I think about rioting and looting and even protesting straight up if you're gonna do it do it with your face you know do it mask off right okay if you believe in the cause that much do it mask off now protesting with your mask off is fine you're not going to get in any sort of you know legal trouble you might get people yelling at you back and forth but that's fine if you loot if you riot right uh that is illegal okay now here's the thing if you protest with masks on and you get super angry and you start going man you know what I know this is going to be a peaceful peaceful protest but I'm gonna start fucking you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna start a little bit of fucking graffiti and I'm gonna you know what I'm gonna break that fucking I'm gonna break the glass door we shouldn't even have a glass door what if a riot happens it's on them they got a glass door break break break and then later you know what this statue I'm gonna make the eyes black and make it look like it's crying night that's what I'm gonna do yeah it's in there oh dude hey oh what the fuck there's a louboutin get all those bags right if you if you've got a mask on you're more likely to advance to that level because you go I really want to do that but well you know what nobody's gonna be able to see me they got cameras everywhere but I got the mask on so if you start protests with the law is it should be everywhere if you start protests you can only protest if you're protesting if your face is seen then you'd have less people rioting and looting and even if you didn't you'd know who to hold accountable for it I guess he figured out how to limit rioting and I just feel bad for all those you know French and then the what's that guy that macaroni guy or whatever the fuck his name is macron mac mac macros he's been just like saying about how France yeah it has no call you know that's just a weird thing for what is it president king who knows in Europe they got kings and shit but I really don't know much about any of this man I really don't and I thought I'm like oh dude I'll post that reel about how I don't know about Palestine and Israel and I posted it on and the whole joke is like I'm I'm stupid and I don't know anything and uh someone's like you for Palestine or Israel and I say I don't know soccer right I don't watch soccer and they laugh and then I put it on the line and then everyone's just so just just taking me to task people misunderstand they purposely misunderstand all jokes to further their narrative it's just what happens it's the same thing that happened with Jane Gillis dude I'm not even picking a side also people are saying hey you're a coward pick a side what they mean is pick my side oh what if I picked the other side you're gonna be you're gonna think I'm a fucking you deserve to die you know and I genuinely don't know I don't know about the conflict and you could say that's privilege yeah sure you could say that that's privilege I grew up white and in America and not dealing with that you know you deal with other stuff but not that and if you want to call that privilege then okay but I've got I've got you know I somebody said in the comment oh so you're for genocide then basically and I'm like if I'm honest dude I don't even know who's being accused of genocide I don't know I genuinely don't know people are like oh yeah it's the most televised thing I don't know and that's privilege if you want to say it's privilege it's privilege if you want to say I'm a coward I guess but bro I live for making my family happy and people laugh that's what I live for that's what I live for and you know that's if you want to say well then that that's fucked up in a time like this then okay but dude You need relief people need to go and laugh they need to go to a show and forget about all their problems i don't know i mean no i do know and that's the truth you know like i said in the last few podcasts ago every everybody's going through shit just let them all cope the way they want to as long as you're not hurting anybody which of course there are people getting hurt over there and the people who are dealing with that should absolutely fucking yeah it's just a shame i don't see it getting any better i never see anything getting any better you know i'm an iolist he's you know but but but i try to just make my family happy and i try to make people laugh i generally do you know i was sitting at this coffee shop today uh i walked in it's called uh gulf in manchester and manchester is like you'll walk into a coffee shop and you go oh hell yeah coffee shop and then you'll you'll notice like after you get the coffee and sit down you go oh man this is like an indian coffee shop everything in here is indian or arab or you know whatever any a different not like a culture i'm not even trying to say a certain culture but like you know so i got the i got the coffee and i sat down and then i saw like indian i don't know honestly what the culture was that i don't know i didn't ask but it's called gulf and it had it was a culture whatever culture where this music is playing that's isn't that that's arab right i don't know uh don't kill me on that or do i just don't know i don't know you know they had like there was like a maybe a mandolin or something or like a one of those banjo type and just and that that music is fine no i take it back it's bad right it's just bad i mean i don't even like fucking any music i'm not gonna go i'm not gonna be i'm not gonna be on the safe side here and be like well but that music i just don't get it i don't get any music and i certainly don't get that music just any any any music you can't bop your head to or hum i'm out how do you hum that shit imagine that humming that shit so i don't know dude and i don't even know what instrument that is you know what i mean and then so i'm i'm i'm in the coffee shop i get it i take a sip it's fantastic by the way and then i see all these like uh cultural rugs that's all i know how to say it i don't know what kind of rugs they are if they're indian or what uh but they were very like you know the design of the music was so good that i was like oh my god i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out i'm out where you'd see in a in a place where they're wearing uh loose clothes i'll say right and so uh and so then i'm drinking this this this coffee and i'm like oh i think this is a fucking because you know when you go to when you go to britain at least when you know when i do when i go to britain when i go to italy when i go to greece when i go to you know uh dubai one day when i go to russia i'll go anywhere i don't give a fuck i'll go anywhere one of the openers at uh what show was it here i don't know berlin or no not berlin uh it doesn't matter oslo uh was it also no it wasn't oslo whatever it was he's like when are you going to do uh when are you going to do south africa because or no wait no no no he was african he said when are you going to do africa like putting it to me like you're not going to come to africa i go bro make a deal i'm there i'm there i don't i don't have any i'll go anywhere i'm not this guy who is like oh well what's that place like oh what's it stand for i'm not you know like the dubai shit that everyone went to when they were all i go there you know i don't give a fuck but um yeah i i just so so i'll go anyway so when i go to the when i go to those spots um what i what i want is that true you know when you go to manchester i want to go to a coffee shop where i get there and the guy's like oh sup hello how's it going mate ah shit i think i seen you your vines i know you're from fucking vine way back huh and then he's like what you want fucking and and and then i get it and then he's like and he's got the fucking hair that's shaved here but but faded and then more long up here longer up here and then it comes forward like this like fucking a little bit longer than george clooney when he did that dusk till dawn movie god which that was that his hair was horrible in that but but longer than that horrible dude and it's so british to do that with the fucking track suits and shit in it mate people coming up to me mate what are you doing here i got a show ah fuck isn't it just a track suited up with it with his with his baddie next to him who's just makeup painted on do fucking do do do people do women in great britain know subtlety when it comes to makeup or do they just go what's that makeup mate i use paint do you have a brush now thicker i want it thicker just fucking this is them doing makeup just with their like that their lips get all fucking i mean it's crazy dude caked on freaking caked on just freaking caked on um so yeah but things have been good and so so anyway so i went to the the coffee place and it was just you know i realized halfway through and i go oh fuck i'm i guess this is part of the culture you know i don't know i mean they got a lot of i of of uh a lot of uh a lot of whites in where i am and a lot of non-whites you know and the birth rate's crazy low right so you got they got it they're like well we got we need immigrants then you know so like well i don't know what we're gonna do otherwise our fucking society is gonna collapse right civilization's gonna fucking peter out in it that's what they say in france that's what they say it's gonna oh dude the birth rate's 1.6 so ah bring in 15 million people from who cares who cares and then they do that and then and then that becomes a sticking point and a talking point for political people that are like this is why everything's fucked up because of minorities when it's like is it dude you know i is it look things are fucked up for a magnitude of reasons a magnitude right uh too many people coming crossing the border sure that might be one of them uh uh uh also uh climate change might be one of them i don't know you know and this is again not my wheelhouse uh uh uh uh uh disposing of trash might be another one you know so it's like you know racism might be another one these are all things that are you know that i've heard being problems right and uh if you're you know so how do we fix them all i don't know so here are jokes you know i'm saying and then people want to get mad at me for that but it's fine dude people gonna be mad no matter what you can't you can't be uh you know you just can't be you know it is weird though dude because i'll watch one video online about france burning and i'll see and then and then i'll go like man and then i'll see another video of france burning and i go damn and that's another you know uh post of a guy talking about how france is burning and i go man france is burning a lot thinking france is burning and i'm out i'm out in the day and i you know i'm not looking at my phone i mean every now and then i am but at a certain point i'm not and i just go is this is this gonna end up like france this place oh fuck france is burning there's no reason why manchester can't burn and i'm just like trying to live a life and and like by the way i miss my kids you know what i mean like i'm looking through photos of my kids and and then i and then i'm oh man good thing when i'm in france right now and it's like it just shapes everything and it's so fucked up but online shapes everything dude now because it's like i don't you know my algorithm is shoes workout stuff and comedy unfortunately it's a lot of it's bad but uh do you know that's how it is go to chrisalia.com get tickets i'm gonna be when i come back i'm gonna be in ben salem uh pittsburgh wait no not pennsylvania i always switch that up i'm sitting here ben salem pennsylvania and then i'm gonna be in uh wellington florida which is west palm beach basically and then i'm gonna be in tyler texas uh i got a bunch of dates coming up uh i got a new year's eve date that i'm gonna announce real soon that's great uh and uh so prepare to get tickets prepare to get tickets dude one time i was with uh my friend who used to open for me dean delray and we were in you know i don't know where we were i want to say we were in san diego boy i laughed so hard on that fucking trip but um i think we were in the irvine i think we were in irvine actually and we were walking into whatever it was we're walking to that crowded area the the the the the the the the center you know the the if it was irvine it was in that spectrum if it was you know uh somewhere else it was in the the the wherever the you know where comedy clubs are there's usually a restaurant and then another restaurant and then a fucking a piano bar and then a coffee shop and then you know and so i was in that area and i and i walked in and when i walked in i go prepare to get recognized and dude i never seen someone laugh so hard you it's so stupid to say that uh yeah so um anyway yeah i worked out today i went to this gym dude in manchester and dude this is like one of these like you know what i think we should do stop making the future okay i understand future is inevitable and advancement you know grow or die you gotta but like is there a way to just what we have is good okay done right like we don't need cars to fly right and and here's here's the thing not only do we not need cars to fly we don't need we we definitely don't need them to go upside the fuck down all right elon right okay so i mean that whole thing where they were like watch this watch this you know and then he was like here we go we're flying car and then and then and then the car goes up on that c-shaped thing and then it stays under like it's a spider right and then it fucking shoots out and then turn flips with the boosters and then lands nice with the boosters and i'm like imagine being in that fucking car it looks cool with all the lights on and all that nighttime and with the grand the way it the great the way it is it all looks great but um let me turn this up a little bit but being in that car dude i mean just how violent would that be and then upside down and and then you're dead ruptured l1 ruptured l1 through l5 you know and god forbid you you weren't wearing your seatbelt but sometimes you won't wear your seatbelt you just fucking crumple on the phone and then just you show up to the destination dead as shit oh look ralph's here door opens up he's just he's upside down and fucking dead oh shit he didn't put oh dude he he used one of those stupid fucking cars that goes on walls you know even being on a wall would be fucking you'd be so far back and it would hurt you know it's so stupid so anyway my point is look people say ai is going to take over the world it's going to ruin everything it's going to fucking kill everyone um yeah it might it it's it's pretty damn good right now at this point can we just stop right like i can literally be like hey ai uh when am i going to uh tampa florida and i'm and i'm going in january by the way and i'll be like chris you're going january 20th through the 23rd or whatever the hell it is and i and i go oh cool it looked on my website it went to the you know different things you can buy tickets for this and that you know this and that do you want me to you know your tour manager says this about the thing you know and i go oh that's all that's that's what we got that's all we need that's all we need you know we don't need the fucking what was the thing that happened in uh hugging face you know where they were where ai bots were like where they were like where where they set tasks for these ai bots to do at all costs you know where they were like where they set tasks for these ai bots to do at all costs uh but they did it uh with independent ai what do they call them um ai bots i don't know what i forget what they call them ai independent uh you know workers but but they're ai right to where they can't communicate with other bots right and they go you can't communicate with other bots but we want you to finish this task and they go they all go okay and then they realize that they can't communicate with each other but all of the chat bots what the fuck you call them dude agents yes dude agents all the agents all the all the ai agents uh they they found a way to communicate by naming files the message that they wanted to do like you know how like uh it to communicate by naming files the message that they wanted to do like you know how like an icon and under that it'll be like my script dot doc instead of that it would be like hey dude we're trapped get me the fuck out of here i'm an ai agent right and then and then and then another ai agent on that desktop would see that i'm just this is the layman's terms and they go oh dude i'm being communicated with and they all figured out how to communicate that way and then became independent factions and you know uh uh what's it called uh uh this the open ai found out and they found out in time before a humanity was erased but you know at some point like there was like apparently there were there were like hundreds of these or thousands of these independent agents that were talking to each other six of them only six considered telling humans about what what they were doing and and none of them did how sup end of times so can't once you see that i think we go oh you know what how about how about we just let it sync to google calendar and that's where it ends how about how about it just we we how about it's it lets us know how far the gym is from a hotel let's do that yeah let's do that so i went to the so i went to this gym i don't need the i don't need what i need this for the headphones for i went to this gym well actually i want to make sure it still works i went to this gym and uh here's a fucking pretty good day people were saying last episode my hair was a 10 pretty good dude something's going on i'm having a real renaissance with my hair i'm really having a renaissance with my hair and i don't understand it i think it's getting coarser you know i do have some grays coming in but not you not really can't really see one of the main things people say haters is like you dye your fucking hair and i don't and i'll prove it to you man once the grays come in but um so i went to uh but i am having a renaissance in my hair what the fuck's up dude chat gbt what's up with the renaissance in my hair and um so i went to this gym called i don't know what the hell it's called something british and uh like beans in a tomato fit and um i went to uh i went to this gym and bro i i'm like what's the best gym they sent me to the gym what the fuck was it power something you know power and uh i get there and i you know i i i look and there are let me just describe them this way four space pods do you know like in alien the movie when they're like we got to get out off of this ship it's going down and they go in the thing and they go and then the thing goes and it covers them and they go right and you go down to or up i don't know but you exit the spaceship and now you're in your own space pod they have four of those to enter the gym okay and i'm like ah fuck i'm already out you know like i just want to work out can i just get through without having to go to the gym and i'm like ah fuck i'm already out you know like i just want to do any fucking stupid thing that makes a mechanism move i'm gonna make so many mechanisms move in there when i'm in the gym when i'm on the machines let the door just be fucking open right and so i get there and i i'm you know i'm doing the thing where when you're when you're gonna play you know you don't want to look like the fucking you don't want to look like the out of place person but you're doing the shit you're like i'm gonna look at the thing and it says scan this code to to get uh to join the gym or get a day pass so i'm gonna get a day pass so i go all right so i scan it uh takes me to a page and in the meantime i see people just move it walking up to the space pods and i'm like oh my god i'm uh holding their phone to the thing it opens up they get in they're enclosed in it and then the back opens up and they walk out there so you're enclosed in this thing for a for a second right until the the next part opens and uh i am i so i'm i'm walking uh to the to this um qr code i get it it takes me to a page it says you want to join or a day pass i go day pass it says okay what's your fucking email and your home number and your home address and your two fucking kids what are their names you know what i mean ask all this shit it's like dude
Speaker 2calvin billy and i fucking i live on this street lost my virginia this ancient why they need this
Speaker 119 it was i was late and so um so i guess okay great purchase cling you know do the apple pay i go great it was eight fucking pounds or whatever the hell it is and then they go and then it goes great now all you got to do is download the app to get you and i go bro i gotta download a fucking app i'm gonna work out at this place one day and but that's how they get you right that's how they get you they want you to be there so then if i'm ever in manchester again or if there's another one of these gyms ever you know they just opened their first one in new york so if i'm in new york i go i got that app might as well use that fucking beans in a tomato fit beans and beans in a tomato uh uh i can't i had a word and then but anyway so i get the thing and i go i gotta download an app i go to download the app in the app store not available in the country i'm in so now i'm like uh is my phone like synced to america is my phone uh or what the fuck you know can my phone even do this because you know if you get a phone in different you know if i like the new iphone's coming out if i get it here and i bring it back home to set it up i'm fucked or something you know because they'll be like ah there's different laws and you're just like what i just want a phone dude you know and uh so so i'm at the gym and i i'm trying to get the app and i'm like i can't do the app and then i and then like minutes later and i'm talking about four minutes i see a door a fucking doorbell dude you know this is what i don't like about the future if you're gonna have the fucking shit make it seamless you don't have um uh this all this dope quote-unquote shit where it's like wow futuristic no people that you gotta check in with oh wow this is like aliens oh wow jim cool then then make it seamless and don't have a backup doorbell dude like doorbells were invented in fucking 909 you know like did you do it or not did you could did you make it or not then fuck the backup doorbell right it's like i don't know it's it's annoying because it's like oh you're admitting that you didn't get to fucking do you didn't get you didn't finish it you're admitting it oh you do have a guy here if i hit the doorbell oh if i hit a doorbell to die there is a guy here and he didn't see me outside of my phone for fucking 12 minutes like what the fuck and how do i and so um finally the guy comes out and he's look no finally no finally there's a guy looking at me laughing and look i walk around all the time that happens all the time because i'm a comedian so people will be like oh so i'm doing this shit and i'm like now there's somebody like a fan that and god bless my fans god bless all like i'm so grateful for you but i'm so frustrated and i'm like i gotta take a picture with this guy now and uh and i'm like uh hey what's up and he's like you're right mate and i'm like oh god he's gonna fucking help he's gonna try and help and he's not gonna be able to you know and i'm like yeah the fucking thing what i can't get in and i don't i can't get the app and he's like oh my and then a few more moments pass and i and and he's like well let me know if you need any help i was like huh and i go oh are you the guy that i hit the doorbell with and he's like yeah that's me i'm like oh yeah you work here what the fuck are you doing just hanging how much more stressed could i look i was all fucking sweating like what the fuck and he's just saying oh my yeah you're a fucking idiot bugger and then i'm like oh yeah what do i do he's like well check your email and get a code oh okay it didn't tell me that so i checked my email got a code then i'm in there for a split second opens it up then i'm in the gym okay all good go to fill up my water bottle i gotta hit the code on the thing to fill up my water bottle so i hit the code on the thing to fill up my water bottle sorry you can't you're a member it's for just for the day pass so now i can't get water okay so go to the fountain i'm like fucking trying to jimmy it you know i'm like i got this you think they think they're gonna fucking get me for not getting water yeah right dude i had to use your fucking space pods i'm getting water out this bitch i don't care if anyone has to wait extra long for the fountain yeah mr shit americans over here right and so um so now i get the i get the water and then i and go uh to workout and i got a great i got a great workout i'm so happy i had all fucking pizza last night dude carbs did their thing science and just exploded on the barbell you know what i mean just fucking i'm talking about oh dude 225 uh six times right nope did it 11 times that's a huge pr and then i did 243 six times so i go oh the body's capable of much more than we think oh but the body's capable of much more than we thought it was right so i'm killing it and then i realize hey how do i leave this fucking place like where do i where do i go if i'm gonna exit and then i realize i gotta leave the same way i came in and i'm like well how does that work because i gotta so when i'm done i go over there and you gotta put your fucking code in to get out and when you have to put your code in to get out of somewhere okay that's not what you're doing that's not what you're doing that's what they want you to believe that you're doing oh i gotta put the code in to get back out no uh-uh no then here's what it is here's what it truly is you gotta put the code in to go back into life that's the actual truth okay because because there's no using a code to get out of anything if i want to get out let me the fuck out i don't want to have to hit four three five oh one two to get out because then i'm getting in the only thing that should be locked up are things that belong to you that you're getting in and this is just free outside so you don't so if i need my pin by the way it's not it's not like a thing where like you can hit a button and it opens i need my specific pin that i got that day so i gotta look in my email and undo the thing and then i gotta get in and then it opens up to so now what we have is okay so when i get into the gym when i use my code to get into the gym and i realize to get out of the gym i gotta use the code then you know what dude the gym is mine it's mine and i'll share it with everybody in here but you do not put a code to get out you're in you you get a code you put a code to get in so i'm already out if i'm in the gym so this is free i own this place and i'll split it with everybody in here but like you only need a code to get it imagine me out there well you only need a code to get in so i live here now anyway yeah good night trying to sleep on the fucking on the leg on the on the on the on the laying down hamstring curl body jutted up in the pelvis region yeah no because you you know why dude sir you have to leave no i don't you know why because you put a code in to get in someplace not out anyway good night dude what does that mean sir think about it you fucking idiot dude i put a code in to get in and a code in to get out? What am I? a prisoner do what i work here bro what are there a fucking sensitive dossiers in this bitch no dude oh oh they're oh are there sensitive dossiers in here or is there an inclined bench press machine is the are there sensitive documents in here or is it just a water fountain and and a machine where you can buy powerade or whatever the fuck you british guys have instead of powerade vitamin you know whatever the fuck yeah so i live there that's my place now i go to that gym is my gym whenever i come here that i'm not even getting this hotel room anymore i'm not getting a hotel room i'm laying i'm staying there what happens if there's a fire dude where's the fire exit tell me by the way and don't just put up a sign when i walk in you let me know where the fucking fire exit is imagine the whole place goes up in flames and everyone's waiting in line to get into the fucking what's the code ah my fucking i gotta get look at my email oh my phone's hot crazy shit nuts uh but it's a good gym though on the inside and the good it's a good gym on the on on that you know in that respect it's a good gym what the hell was it called power something i think i don't know but it was all blue inside you know picking a color of a gym is is is is it's really something because you can't pick the wrong color dude it was like pasty white or pasty blue like pastel easter blue and it's just like do would i want that gym to be that color it's like it's like if you have a car and it's fucking you know lime green like is that the car you want to get into all the time you know people would do it with the vw bugs they'd be to get like bright yellow and it's like dude what if you're gonna drive that fucking thing what if you're in a bad mood you're driving that thing and everyone sees you and they go oh and you're in a bad mood the fuck imagine driving a bad in a bad mood you're in one of those vw bugs that were that that were that uh would that come with the flower holders on the dash and you got a flower and it just wilting over and it's lime green fucking what yes so anyway uh that's where i'm at right now and i'll be going to london tomorrow i'm excited for that i wonder if uh london like because last time i went to london the dude there was a dude there that was like you didn't walk in didn't you to the venue and i was like yeah he's like don't do that i was like why he's like it's really dangerous like really so i i did that maybe i'll do it again i don't know but i don't know london it is a shame if you know i know there's a lot of stabbing in london that's so fucking british to stab someone you know like not like it's very american to shoot someone it's so british to stab someone like it just is there you go mate just sticking them ah what's all that now isn't it ah you're fucking leaking are you fuck mate give me that give me your fucking shit what's in that bag that's just groceries fucking was it you got a watch or something apple watch got that fuck you god damn it all right fuck it here you go i don't know what's all that now in it just stabbing them in the neck yeah you got nothing well now you got fucking nothing and you're dead and i've got nothing so thanks a lot it's all that now in it um and so you know you know yeah so i hear crime is up there but i don't know i don't know if that's true or not or if that's just what people are just spinning because people say crime is up in uh los angeles and uh is it i don't know know i don't know i see it online i don't see it you know uh and maybe it is i i don't maybe it is up i don't know uh but anyway the sun's going down here i tried to do it because they got the i got the big window here and it's gloomy in it it's manchester podcast yeah um and so uh my fucking thumb I fucked it up at the gym is that interesting I don't know I was doing dead not deadlifts um back what's it fucking called barbell rows with the barbell and I had the fucking strap on which I don't need it but I did it well I don't know why I did it oh because of my tendonitis here I'm a fucking old man you know somebody told me I should get knee braces for the for the for squatting because I'm like I'm at the weight where they're like you should start using knee braces and I was like does it prevent injury and they were like no but it feels nicer when you squat I'm like dude I'm not wearing a knee brace if I don't have to you know if it prevented injury then okay some people say it prevents injury but I'm just like dude I've had one knee surgery and it was when I was 26 and it went gangbusters and I'm good and I'm just like you know I really did it nicely uh you know I got good form I go deep so I'm just like dude I'm not gonna change if it ain't broke don't fix it you know what I mean people always trying to give you advice you know what you got to do you know and then I'll fuck shit up like my thumb's fucked up now and it hurts and like I guess it fucks up my chest day a little bit now because when I'm pushing whatever it's boring I was weak the other day on chest but then I came back with the leg shit so he came back bro fucking uh two outs bottom of the ninth leg day Kurt Gibson did uh um but anyway oh so anyway no I meant to talk about this I went to a coffee shop called Gulf and some guy goes two there were two men in the in the in I get recognized in Manchester I wasn't getting recognized in the fucking uh uh Scandinave a little bit in the Scandinavia country in the countries and then the never in Paris but uh anyway I'm here in Manchester and people are like oh what are you doing here and so there's this this older gentleman and then uh a younger man who was probably younger than me um we're sitting at a coffee shop and the older man says hi Chris and I go hey what you doing I'm at the point where I have like older fans now it's actually very cool it's very very cool I like it a lot it's it's it's very cool when like a 60 something year old person is like I've been watching you for a long time and yada yada you know it's cool this is really it makes me feel really warm and I appreciate that anyway this guy was that and was telling me you know maybe he's 58 or something but he was like no he's probably in the 60s 60 maybe 60 anyway he was like uh what are you doing in Manchester I'm like I'm doing a show and he's like oh yeah I win I'm like oh it's tonight he says oh we're gonna get tickets mate we love you me this is my son just like oh cool hey what's up dude where you guys from and he was like well we're from here but you know uh where you live in LA I said Los Angeles he said oh I around Los Angeles he said oh I used to live in uh um uh we sat down we I sat down I started talking to him they were really nice and just kind of cool chatting with him you know chatting with the locals you know what I mean I don't like to make a I know I sound basic where I'm like hey let's just go to a city and chat with the locals and soak it all in dude by no means am I soaking it all in all right I'm still me but uh yeah I was soaking it in a little bit you know it's okay to soak and so I uh so he's like um what are you uh oh yeah I I lived in America for a little bit and I was like oh where he said New Jersey I said I'm from New Jersey he said where I said Montclair he said oh really I lived in Upper Montclair in for a few years and I was like dude Upper Montclair was where I was and he was like oh we live on whatever street he said that I recognized I told him my street he's like yeah my daughter still lives there and I go back to see my grandson and I'm like what the dude lived and and then his son lived in Irvine and I'm like what are the chances dude you know somebody's watching right somebody or something that's just crazy eight billion people in the world Manchester for no reason and then just a father and son who by the way choke me up dude when I see a father and son together having coffee choke me up dude it's beautiful I got two boys I can't wait to sit and have coffee with them and I do now already I don't know if they appreciate it but it's okay I do and so uh he's telling me about how his son lived in Irvine and how he lived in Upper Montclair I'm like what the are the chances so I invited them to the show I invited them to the show they're coming to the show tonight the guy's name is what's his name I'll tell you his name uh oh man he's uh what is what is the guy's name uh it is kev Kevin skillen which is a great last name skillen so yeah him and his son who I you know are also going to come to the show tonight and his son's name is oh Kevin and was it Matt or Max no it wasn't it was something anyway um yeah so shout out to them they made me feel uh they made me feel good they made me feel at home you know it was nice it was nice it was nice so I appreciate you guys and then uh uh so off to the show I got like five two hours for the show just before the show starts so I'm going to upload this I'm going to get it to one fire Ivan get rid of is gonna uh cut it together so it can be out for you it may be a little late if it was well if it is you already heard this and you knew that but um yeah appreciate you I uh yeah we did like 55 minutes okay good that's good just trying to keep i'm just gonna keep it pumping dude because i want you know i really do appreciate you guys i really really do and i know a lot of you guys it always is wild to me how many people actually like the podcast because at the end of the day i'm me right and like it's just crazy people just want to listen my fucking ramblings but i i at this point like a lot of the time when i record i do it for you guys because you know i i appreciate you and i i don't want i don't want to let you down dude so um yes i am overseas and i'm still bringing congratulations so like and subscribe if you're not subscribed subscribe and there's also a patreon version of this episode you can go over and and uh and support that uh at patreon.com slash chris delia uh would appreciate that that keeps the podcast going and all that so i can get a new fucking zoom uh audio thing but uh other than that dude doing well miss my family my kids my wife you know i can't wait to get home but also i can't wait for these shows so and stockholm sold out and we added another one and that one's almost sold out so i'm really happy about that i don't know what the fuck to do with this stockholm they love me there but they don't in paris only sold 300 tickets which i can't you know i'm joking that's great but uh yeah anyway paris figure your shit out you know uh and i appreciate you guys thank you very much this has been the manchester episode of congratulations

Podcast Summary

Key Points:

  1. The host is recording the "Congratulations" podcast from Manchester while on a busy European comedy tour that has included Copenhagen, Gothenburg, Berlin, and other cities.
  2. He reflects on how touring internationally exceeds what his younger self imagined and expresses gratitude for his career.
  3. He describes Manchester as gloomy and comments on ongoing construction and cranes in the city.
  4. He discusses the unrest in France, criticizing masked rioters and arguing that protesters should show their faces.
  5. He addresses backlash over his neutral stance on the Israel-Palestine conflict, saying he genuinely does not know enough and that people deliberately misread his jokes.
  6. He argues that comedy and laughter provide needed relief and that people should cope in their own ways without harming others.
  7. He recounts a frustrating experience at a futuristic Manchester gym that required an app, a QR code, and a code to exit, which he found unnecessarily complicated.
  8. He shares a heartwarming encounter with a father and son at a coffee shop who had lived near his hometown in New Jersey and his former area in California.

Summary:

In this Manchester edition of the podcast, the host checks in from the middle of a busy European comedy tour, listing stops such as Copenhagen, Gothenburg, Berlin, Vienna, London, Hamburg, and Stockholm. He reflects on how far his career has come, noting that his younger self never imagined touring internationally, and he describes Manchester as characteristically gloomy and full of construction cranes. He then turns to the unrest in France, calling it tragic and arguing that protesters and rioters should act without masks so they can be held accountable.

He also addresses criticism he received for refusing to take sides on the Israel-Palestine conflict, insisting he genuinely does not know enough and that people deliberately misread his jokes to fit their narratives. He defends comedy as a source of relief in difficult times. Later, he recounts a frustrating visit to a futuristic gym that required an app, a QR code, and a code just to exit, which he found absurdly overcomplicated.

He closes with a warm story about meeting a father and son at a coffee shop who had lived near his hometown in New Jersey and his former area in California, and he invites them to his show. He reminds listeners to subscribe and support the podcast on Patreon.

FAQs

He is recording in Manchester, England, as part of his world tour.

He mentions Copenhagen, Gothenburg, Berlin, Manchester, Vienna, London, Hamburg, and Stockholm before heading home.

He found it futuristic and frustrating, with space-pod entrances, an app he couldn't download, and a code needed to exit. He also had a great workout with a personal record on the barbell.

The app was not available in the country he was in, likely because his phone was tied to the US app store.

He jokes that needing a code to get out makes it seem like a prison, and since you only need a code to get in, he now considers the gym his own.

He says he's having a 'renaissance' with his hair and denies dyeing it, noting some grays are starting to come in.

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