(dramatic music) Wave. - You two are bad friends. - You are these two idiots. - Woo, I did an Asian deal. You two are disgusting. - Woo, I'll you two or something. - For bad friends. - One, two, three, four, five o'clock, six o'clock, seven o'clock nights. ABCD, E, F, G. Everybody, one, two, three. Welcome to the Bad Friends Kitchen. - A wave series. - A wave series. - People are asking a lot to like, what is the wave series? It's the company that we now are working with. - We're working with a new company called the Wave Series. - It's not that hard to figure out. - Yeah, and it's an unbelievable company. - They're great. - And we're fourth right, fourth right with them. - We are fourth right with them. - Yeah, yeah. - Now fourth wrong, we're fourth right. ♪ Everybody welcome to the Bad Friends Kitchen ♪ - Nope, it's for adults. - It's for adults, yeah. - But you're welcome. - And, um, quite piggy, I don't know why that's a matter. - What's up with you when the quiet piggy thing is - I don't know, I don't know because, you know, when he says something, our dear leader, right? It tends to end up in my vernacular. Like when I go billions and billions and billions and billions and billions, it's just because of him. - You look up to him. - Yeah, beep, beep, boop, you know, he does that. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. You know, I learned that from him. - What is that? - It's just some of his like, what do you call it? - Mannerisms? - Mannerisms. - When does he do beep, bop, boop, bop? I've never seen that. - And he'll go, bop, bop, bop. You've seen that, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, boop, boop, boop. Like he'll go like this. He'll go, yeah, we drop bombs on a run. Bop, bop, bop, bop, he'll like tag it as a mug act out. - I do like that. - Yeah, yeah. It's a really good way. You know what? I'm gonna do that today. - Is that what it sounds like when you drop a bomb? beep, bop, bop, bop, bop. - According to him, it does. - Sweet little beep, bop, bop, bop. - Have you ever heard the guy online that does the artillery noises? - Yeah, he's on the left. - Watch this guy. Click on this dude on the left. Watch how good this dude is. - There's no way. Now, I didn't know what artillery was, now I can do it. I thought he was using, yeah, I got gun or something. - Impressive. Go to the other video of him. Go to another one. - That is incredible. - This dude is a magician. Do the first one. Yeah, then know that. The second one. Sorry, I meant the second one there. That one. Oh my god, he's so good. - Michael Bay, hire this man. - Can I start mine over? - Yeah, hold on. - I want you to see what war I'm doing. - All right. - We'll guess the war. - Yeah, let's guess the war. - This is bad friends. Guess the war. - All right. Let's do another war. Ready? - It's your turn. - Yes. - Yes. - Yes. - Yes. - Yes. - Yes. - Okay. Bob, let's hear another one. - Yeah. - All right. I'll try one. I'm not good at the accent. - Okay. - Follow it. - Oh. - Oh. - Yeah. Normandy. - Who says Normandy? - I say Normandy. - Did they say that the whole time they were fighting? - Normandy. - Normandy. - Normandy. - Have you ever been on Normandy? You say it when you're up in there. - It's beautiful. - You have to see Normandy. - It's hard to not. - It's so beautiful. - Shout out to this guy. What's the name of his Instagram page? Because I do really like this guy. It's the Mister Anamanopea Tiktok. - Anamanopeia. - It's like Michael Winslow was the guy. - This guy. - I understand that. But can I defend Michael Winslow? - Hmm. - Can I defend Michael Winslow? - Does he need defending? - He does. - All right. - Yeah. - Well, I mean, I don't have to. - I mean, we all love him. - Yeah, yeah. - What do you think? - He's the first guy in my, as a child, I remember doing. - Same. - Right? - I mean, he was the first guy. - He was number, I don't know anybody that did noises the way Winslow did. - He did electric guitar. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - Right. - So good. - He's good at opening doors. - When I saw him. Ready? - Yeah, yeah. - What am I? - Yeah. - Yes. - Oh. - Oh. Close the door. - Good night, Ma'am. - No. - Don't do that. - Yeah, because she walked in on me. - You know what I have? - Hey, I'm her grandson. That's fucking rude. Knock. - You know what? - Just don't walk in. - You know what I had in the hotel when I was flying back from Florida? Nothing was open, food wise. And we got a little bit of old school cup of ramen. And it still holds up. Just the old school cup of ramen is still good. It's so funny. It's still good. After all these years. You don't like it? - Well, don't point, don't do me the desk, the desk, the desk, the desk. - Don't. - We're not doing three fingers. No, no, no. Oh, you think I'm doing jet ice? - Yeah, I thought that was a jet ice. - No, no, no, no. When I'm doing three fingers at you, right? I mean, you're on point. - Thank you. - Oh, wow. We learned something new. - This is on point. And by the way, you guys almost never get three. - You'll never get three. - You'll get one or two. - They get two. - But what I got, check this out, my friend. - Check it out. - I got a ramen little machine. - You have a ramen machine at home? You haven't invited us over to have ramen with you? - It's $12 machine. - It's a hot pot machine. - Hot pot. - So you boil your ramen, but they have a little contraption above where you put your steam vegetable. - Oh my God, I want one of these. - Right, so when you're boiling your ramen with all the flavors and stuff, it steams up into the vegetables. And then you dunk, and then I have another thing. It's a side cup where you put in the water, right? You put an egg in it, and it boils the egg, right? - That's only $12. - That's just like a $1,000 invention. - I bought 15 of them to keep breaking. - They're really cheap, but they're really good. - China making the ramen. - The ramen maker's net is good. By the way, the one that you're pointing at, that's $700. That just looks like a hot water dispenser. How was that $700? - It looks cool. - Yeah. - Let me see zoom in. - Oh, that looks cool. - Okay, so it dispenses the ramen, makes the flavors. I get that. - Oh yeah. - It's a flavor machine. - No, that's for if you have a business. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not doing it for my neighbors. - Let's start a business. - I'm not making ramen for my fucking neighbor. I hate that. - You heard it here first. We're making ramen for everybody in our neighborhood coming up soon. - I have producers on both sides. I have bought that. Put your fucking trash up. They context me. - My neighbor's everyday. It looks bad in the neighborhood. Fuck you. It's my fucking property. - Wait a minute. Who puts the trash bands down there? - I don't know. - You're gardening guy, right? - I guess. - Well then ask him to pull him up when it's over. - I don't know. You don't know. You have no idea who that is. - The guy who cleans your. - I know, I think it's Raul. But I mean, chances are high. - I know, chances are high, but I always tip. - Yeah, of course. What do you mean? - Yeah, yeah. - Well, you pay him a salary. - I pay them a salary. But when I see them visually, you're right. In my presence, I'll throw them a 20. - Break them off a little something. - Yeah, a little. - Yeah, why not? That's a nice thing to do. You know what we need to do. I want to go see Nathan's movie. - No, I want to see it this week. - So bad. We got to go see it this week. - You saw it already? - Yeah. - I heard it's absolutely brilliant. - Yeah. - I want to see it. - Mark Marin had a full discussion with the Toshla Jero last night about the nuances of it and how it does such an amazing dance of what you believe, who you believe, what you think in Europe. He was like, dude, it's one of the best directed things I've ever seen in my life. It's a 98 to 98 on Rotten Tomatoes. Both audience and critics score. It's apparently supposed to be. - It's a documentary. - It could be best picture nominated. - It could be. - I think the audience is going to sweep, but you don't think so? - I don't think so. - Well, first of all, this can't be a best picture because it's a documentary series. - It could be. - I mean, I know, but they wouldn't do that. - It could be the first one. - I know, but they wouldn't do that. - They might. - No, this one. - Odyssey is for sure going to probably win best picture. - It's going to be up there. - Okay, it's that or digger. (laughing) It's digger. - Did you see digger? - Yes. - What was it? - I think it's amazing. - Well, I think I'm going to like digger. - I think I'm going to love it. - Yeah. - But I'm more excited. You know what I'm most excited about. What film is coming out in November? - I know. - What? - Let me guess. - You know. - It's coming out. - The mummy with the new one. - The new mummy and the new mummy with the fucking whale. The whale's in it. Remember the whale? - The whale? - Yeah, yeah. Is in the mummy. But before he got fat, he was in the mummy. - Ah. - So the whale was in, is kind of retirement, right? But he gets back into, you know what I mean? - Explorate archaeology. - Oh yeah. - Ooh. - Why not? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - You know what I'm talking about. - No idea what I'm talking about. I don't know what's the movie. - You do know. - Zoom in. - Okay. - You want to see it bad. - Okay, let me read. - Okay. - I forgot they're doing fucker again. That's with Ariana Grande. - Yep. - Yeah. - Madden. - No. - Okay. - But that might be good. - Can you go down? - Is it already a community reading it from here? - It's a major one. It's not in those, no. - It's not in those, yeah. So can you come up with a better list? You're doing a great job, by the way. - That can't be. That's all the movies that are coming out in November. - No. - But is that Fandango? The last temptation of Becky. - Is that it? - No. - Okay.
It's Rocky the first temptation of Becky is my favorite it's better than the second one It's better than the second one. Oh, no, it's Wild Horse 9 is the movie that I want to see Wild Horse 9 to me might be the best movie coming up With Malkovitch it looks fucking it looks great. Yeah Parker poses in it right one of the best actresses of our time Yeah, no, it's Malkovitch. It's also what's his name? But Buscemi and and Sam Rockwell. What's what's it what tomatoes? What is it? Well, it's not out yet, right? Yeah, there is something November 5th 93% 93% from the critics. It looks brilliant. It looks co-in-esque. It looks It just has all those elements of things that I love of like a two-hander kind of like It's very it reminds me of old school Follies between two failing agents of whatever business. They're do you know what I mean? Yeah, I love that so much off Yeah, they said it's brilliant and very very funny. November. I'm gonna what that's what I want body was a good movie Do you see buddy? I didn't see it I don't know I don't know what that is you look a buddy It's a good movie. Is that Brad Pitt in the dog. No, it's called buddy Is it a whole it's a thriller? It's not a thriller. No, huh? That looks like filamine Kunk. All right. It's a horror movie. Oh It is a horror movie and she's in it Christina Melotti. Yeah, what is her name? Kristen Melotti. Kristen Melotti. Fantastic. She's great. It's so talented. Can I tell you about buddy or no? No, yeah, it's a kid show But he's a murder Of course, yeah, why would he not be? Yeah, but it's pretty horrifying. Can I just tell you one scene in it sure? He's chasing after these kids and he can't get through like a door Because he's so fucking fat buddy. Mm-hmm. That he takes a saw and he shaves his side And it exposes all his like inner workings and he gets he gets in what kind of animals is that's a horse? It's a unicorn Yeah, it's an orange unicorn. Yeah, do we believe do I believe in unicorns? Yeah? I believe that some there are some horses that have had mutations Right, maybe an extra bone right that have been perceived you would think that a horse at one point had some sort of like bone in the same way We had a tail exact or no what I'm saying is no some no because sometimes I'm not making fun of people But some is this gonna be a spine a bit of it. Yeah, yeah, I was gonna go spinal bifida, right? But I'm gonna switch gears You know some people are born with like nine arms in India some girl under the worship the worshiper as a god As a god, right? And it's like so, you know, I think that maybe a horse might have some sort of protruding protruding bone or something, you know a saulah. Yeah, it's an appeal called the Asian unicorn. It looks like an eye back Oh Asian unicorn zoom in on one don't get me started on those brother. Yeah Asian unicorns. Tell me about the Asian people think people think that they're unicorns, but it's just this thing in Asia usually Oh, I see it now show show Bobby speaking of what show Bobby this woman I have a theory and you have to tell me your opinion if you're if you think I'm crazy This is a woman on tiktok who I came across who her entire thing is hey don't you want a Chinese girlfriend? I could take care of you and all her videos are what are you doing not having a Chinese girlfriend? Is this Chinese propaganda or is this just AI before I see it? I'm gonna look at you right now. Okay. I'm a professional when it comes to Chinese video brother That's why I brought it here. All right, I wouldn't bring this to anybody but you and so thank you for bringing with this material Go ahead. I'll be able to tell if this is Chinese propaganda or if this is actually a real video because I don't know if it's AI Well, I know so go ahead. Let's see Why are you still outside? You got a Chinese girlfriend way away. It's the way can you on the couch now? You're sad we could have said here Sad here sad You're under me Watch some tb together But you decided to go somewhere by yourself. Not even think about me. Mm-hmm. So I'm really sad. She said and don't talk to me again. Don't talk to me. Otherwise You are not allowed to eat my noodles Okay, okay got it. Got it. I got it. I got it. Yeah. Is this real? It's a real video. Go to the next one. Go to just go to any of them now watch If you have not found the love of your life in your own country, why don't you come to China You can find me Got it click on another one. My baby boy. This is now this video is for the baby boy who likes Chinese girlfriend Brother if you don't like Chinese girlfriend, you can screw it away now And if you're made it to now Here is the gift to you Yeah, this is a Jimmy O'oyean girl Let me tell you something. Yeah, yeah I don't know because I'm she's talking a baby boy. You don't mean I think I'm baby boy. Are you turned on? I love this girl It's working. It's what China's so good. No, no, she's a spy with you. No, what? Why do you know why do you love this X pack Pax thing right X packs X Pat what do you know what X Pat means X Patriot? Yeah, yeah, that's people who live there I know but this is trying to get me to move to China. I know, but that's what I'm saying why do is like you You'd love to go to these kind of countries and these girls get your like you know what it is is she's um She's from the Orient exotic. She's exotic. Hmm. She's miss mystical Let me tell you it's working slanted vagina No, that's wacky. Yeah But I'm telling you this is working. So this is Chinese propaganda at its finest level because I'm telling you I sat I want to go to on the toilet. I think I want to go. I watched a hundred of yeah, yeah, keep going click on any other one. Why dude? Big baby boy Up cute drop the dumpling She wants to sleep with you with the dumplings. Got it. I got it Which pause for a second baby boy. It's working. I know what what China is working. It's magic on me when 20 something year olds wears wear this private school. He kind of you know means they do that all over all over Asia They do it's a big thing. Yeah, but they usually wait after senior year they Ditch the she's in her 20s wearing it. She could be in her 40s. I have no idea. She's probably in her 40s wearing it But it is cute. I do think even more so she might be AI. This might not be real. That's not dude. Come on, man What do you mean? That's not AI dude. No, no. Have you never seen like face swap AI where they're like dubbing in? Yeah, webcam girls do that, but you can tell in some light. I don't know if you can tell this could be it's getting really good And I'm telling you dude every video baby boy don't you want Chinese girlfriend? What's the reason why you're talking to me? I'm telling you she's winning me over Can you push boss for I'm gonna get Chinese girlfriend? I'm gonna talk you out of it So check this out. I'm leaving my wife for Chinese. No, I'm gonna talk you out, but see her voice listen to her voice, right? When she's having sex with you, that's what you're gonna hear and I'll do it right back. I think I'm coming Yeah, me too. I'm coming now. Yeah, me too. I'll do it the same. Yeah, you'll do it. Me also come baby boy I'm baby boy. Oh, yeah, you're a baby boy. See it worked. Oh, it does work. China's got us baby boy works This is very good propaganda in China. Can I come with you? This is the kind of stuff. Yes, come let's go for the boy Where would I go? I mean does she have a friend? No, you're a baby boy too. Oh, I know, but oh together. We're together boy Together, baby boy. Yeah, yes, baby boy easy. Baby boy easy. Yeah, I see You know what I used to do it. I used to take I used to go to like leave you go to Philadelphia like every city has a talent agency Sure right and They used to be one called taxi talent agency. Yeah, right I'll take it and it was fun to watch their monologues No, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's like these local actors and stuff they joined this agency and they have to pay into it Sure, you know how that's so sad so these it's a Ponzi city these age these if it's not the top ones in LA These local agencies are all money fucking scam well the big ones here are scam too Yeah, it's all a scam. It's all a scam. Yeah, it's all but it's like You pay in to work with them You pay them for them to try to get you work. Yes. That's crazy. It's a crazy You know here's a thing if you're a young actor in a comic and sometimes I say serious things But this is serious is they work for you Well, they can no you hire it, but you're hiring the agency like people go oh well I don't want them to fire me or you know, I mean if I didn't do this right or this you know, I mean or it's like Dude, they fuck a work for you think but if you're not getting a lot of work Bob It's hard to justify that for a young guy. We were the same way. It's really difficult It's hard to to say you work for me when you're not getting any work or you don't have anything to show for it It's tough. So you are scared of them. I was always scared of them The only reason you're not is because of your level of success. I feel you make it right? No, no, no, okay Let me try to spit my way out of it. Not gonna Yeah, you can't unravel this. That is the truth. You were scared of them too But when I'm no, but I you know first to my my rule was as a young comic don't talk about fight club Yeah, that's the first. That's the is the very first rule. Yeah, yeah, and then you know and then um, but my the rule is this is I never Sent a headshot to an agency. I never
Try to get an agent. You were successful as a young man, though, and then what I'm saying is that they came to me Yeah, because you were successful. I would tell young commas. They'll come to you when you're ready Here's why what you're saying is invalid. Hold on. I ditched my head. Please This is why they came to you This kind of behavior is why they came to you Yeah, yeah, you are a once in a lifetime talent. So yes, they came to you. You're a special individual Everyone's a special individual that I disagree highly. No, I think everyone is a special individual Yeah, but in the game of entertainment You're a unique talent that of course they came to you. You're once in a generation You're an Asian unicorn. You're a fucking eye backer. Whatever that Michael Jordan is once in a generation. You're talking about like Daniel Day Lewis I think Bobby Lee is a once in a generation talent and comedy and I'll stand by that till the day I die It's a great friend. No, you're against me. No, no, no, yeah, yeah, you're so doubt You're in the NBA and displeasure you're just not LeBron James or Jordan whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa first of all who are they? All right, I'll tell you who you know Bobby is Bobby is Bobby is Alan Iverson oh, I love that yeah powerful unique very different from all the other talent scot chambers You're not scot chambers. Yeah, I'm scot chambers. All right. You're scot chambers and I gave you Alan Iverson. It was such a great Yeah, but you're playing with the Phoenix songs. Do you know Alan Iverson was yeah, he was an unbelievable talent play for Detroit Pistons, right? Alan Iverson play for the 76ers. Oh, 70s. There's you. You're more like Dennis Rodman. That's actually what this is more accurate Yeah, okay. I'll be the Dennis Robbins and I'm Scotty Peppin. Yeah, I have a little piercings in my peepee. I'm a great two man The best two men would you ever get piercings in your peepee? I don't have any I wouldn't even get a piercing in my ear All right, but alone my weener. Yeah, that's insane. Why would you ever I know but you know I've always like you know how they stick a Middle bar through and then you see like a hot topic. You looking guy. Mm-hmm. Good. It just gives me a lot more pleasure No chance, you know, you have a metal rod in your head. Massacism. That's like it. It can't feel good No, it makes the nerve acting more sensitive But then it also may kill your nerves at the exact same time the you know my nerves are fine. Yeah, you're fine Yeah, nobody needs to put a bar through their genitals. I do want to get my nipples pierced. I've thought about that Well, that's funny Imagine if I take my shirt off. I go home my wife's laying in bed And I just have two huge nipple and you have to have a chain linking them Rocket money the best gift you ever given me Andrew Santino my friend. Mm-hmm. Do your love. Um, you saved me money I did save you money and you saved me money because I had unwanted subscriptions that were bleeding me dry You were you super spending an absurd amount of money on stuff I was losing like 12,000 already a year the iPhone had unloaded apps that he was paying for so they weren't even on his phone anymore So you know and rocket money helps you with a dashboard. You can see it all of it You could set budgets and goals. Yeah, it puts it all in one place So whether you're just wanting to save money on wasted apps or you actually want to make a financial goal for the future They give you a clear view of your financial picture on this dashboard So you can do investments or you can just save and stop wasting money on apps on the internet They also have automatic savings that grow toward goals with adjustable amounts and frequency Set it and forget it approach rocket money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions Monitor your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings let rocket money help you reach your Financial goals faster join it rocket money dot com slash bad friend. That's rocket money dot com slash bad friends Rocket money dot com slash bad friends talk space dot com. 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I'm telling you since Bobby got me on kachava It's changed my thoughts about his suggestions to what I should eat and drink because the flavors are so good And it doesn't have a bunch of nonsense and it just two scoops of kachava provides complete nutrition with protein fiber greens and so much more chocolate vanilla Chai matcha coconut seed strawberry coffee chocolate mint cinnamon French toast and salted caramel Those are the flavors dog. Those are the flavors my dog and cinnamon French toast is by far one of my favorites It's so good and it's also not bad for you Would you assume it would because it tastes so good you got to try kachava's new three-in-one digested boost out kachava Comment use the code bad friends for 15% off your order. That's kachava k a c h a v a dot com code bad friends Carlos you just came back from Austin. You went to a game. I did. I went to Florida. Sorry about that. That's okay But I got on the field. Thank y'all You're welcome. How do you get on the field? He's living a privileged life now. It's You know what he says he'll email and be like, hey, I'm Carlos Herrera. I'm the producer of bad friends I'm in town and people are like let's roll out the carpet in case he's with us. That's so not what that is exactly Tell me that's not what he does. He does it every time. Yeah, what do you do then? He also except if I'm from Bobby my calm. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, except when we're on the road together Is my tour manager right no restaurant set up? No I watched this great speech about AI and I'm gonna do it not justice, but it is we could pull it up if you want, but it was about how This guy was talking about How cows no humans exist. Well, he's great. You watch that clip. Oh, yeah, who I just want to send it to Carlos Carlos, you'll play this it's a cow. It's this No, it's it's really it's an a raised-leak cow Australia cows know that humans exist. They can see us, but cows don't know that money exist Like I can sell you a cow and you transfer money to my bank account This is invisible to the cow Even if you're an animal rights activist and you try to explain to the cow Look, there is this thing called money and there is the stock exchange and there is the bond market How do you explain the bond market to cows even though it controls their lives? What's happening now or in the near future? It's not that a eyes will create will be robots that will come in street and shoot us the a eyes are taking over the Financial system. They are taking over all the bureaucracies because they are bureaucratic natives For us most of us bureaucracies Difficult is alien because we are millions of years older than the bureaucracies bureaucracies were invented just in the last five 10,000 years We were born in the forest not in the office. So it's alien to us For a eyes bureaucracy is home They're born in the office. They are bureaucratic natives. No human banker can remember all the transactions of the bank and AI banker can they will take over the bureaucracies like the financial system Create much more sophisticated financial systems and legal system that we can't understand so just as cows Can't understand the financial system that controls their lives today We will not be able to understand the AI financial system that will control our lives in 10 or 20 years Which means that we are the cause of the future. We are the cause of the future That honestly, it's beautifully done and it also scares the living shit out of me. We are the cows of the future We will never be able to understand what this thing is able to do. I don't understand it now. I know Well, he's the calf. He's the calf. He's getting there. Say it again, man You are the cow of the brazo. Yeah, you are the present cow Yeah, it's it's scary, but you know, I think we're all just bracing for brace for impact There's a lot of there's three things colliding What are they? We have a forever war. We're in yeah forever. War for ever. Yeah Never stop. Let's not for so we have this we have global warming and art at our doors And we have this AI thing not only data centers, but we don't know what it is, you know, you're unknown of AI You know, I mean and these things are colliding at once. I took that class media training Media training. I know you did media training for you new special. Yeah, how'd that go? Can you list me some of the things you you shouldn't talk about or should talk about? No comment is I think No comment. Yeah, yeah, no comment. Who shut this up? Hulu? Yeah, it's great. There's For what it lasted hours. Yeah, they just bombarded me with questions and I just came up with answers What's kind of like when I did that movie you have to do sexual harassment training everyone has to sit in yeah, and of course without fail
everyone's screens are off. So this poor man speaking to just a bunch of exed out screens that are just it legally you have to be on the zoom and of course without fail. Someone not going to say who I think I know who I figured it out. Someone cracks a joke in the middle of it and all you hear is like what if someone's breasts are undeniably nice and then everyone laughs and then you go what crew member was that yeah like I got to know who that was so I went fishing to find out who it was. I think I know the guy. Yeah, but because you should give him $100. I should give him. Yeah, that's a funny thing. It was funny. Yeah, yeah. But every time we do those section harassment trend before you do you know a thing it's always the same everyone is tired on mute with their cameras off and he's speaking to 19 20 boxes of people that are the heads of the department that just have to like listen to. Now what's the right thing to say if you want to wish someone a good night that night. Of course someone's like let's do some I want to figure it out. Yeah, all right. So I'm not I don't know. So we're at the water cooler. I'm sure is that still a thing in offices. Well, this is on a movie set. Okay, let's do it in office craft table. Okay, craft service table. Yeah, I'm an actress and sure and I'm wearing the most stunning dress. Yeah, beautiful. Right. You've ever seen. Yeah, right. And there's a little bit of cleavage showing. Right. But my skin is glistening glowing today. There's like some sparkles some call it glitter. It could be glitter. Go also be sparkles. Of course. Yeah, and we're at the craft service and and I like your suit. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Are you going to can I grab some of the peanuts? No, do you want one of these lunchable? I'm all right. Thank you. Here's lunchable. Oh, thank you. Yeah, here you go. Lunchable. Awesome. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. Have a good day. But do you like my dress? Yeah, yeah. Yes. What do you like about it? It's a nice dress. You want to go over lines? Sure. Yeah, to duty. Yes, go there. What? Because because do you know your lines? I don't know. Oh, so you do it on set. Yeah. I learn them live. Anyway, bye. Bye. See? No. Okay. The English office. They were doing that like like training session. Yeah. Right up with the hotel. The British offices. The British office is so funny. Yeah. I mean, I think ours was good too. Yeah. American office is great. Yeah. British better though. No, they're both good. They're different. Unique. They're both unique. Very good shows. Well, yeah, but it's hard to duplicate something you already have a stand. There's a standard of they did it so well. It's hard to do it again. It'd be hard to do arrested development with a whole new cast. Yeah. To do friends with a whole new cast. They can't even do that. And that's the simplest concept in the world. I mean, I was in the replacement show for friends. What was that called? Yeah. So the year friends got canceled. I got a pilot. It's right. And it was me. Renaissance. It's called more friends. Yeah. I forgot what it was called. But it's instead of being in New York at a coffee shop and stuff like that. We were all in an indie. So we had tight pants. Oh, right. It was more of a rock rock and rolly CBGB style. It was like a CBGB kind of cool. Yeah. I like that. It was three girls. One of them was Zoe Lister Jones. Oh, yeah. So talented. Yeah. And Steve Howie. I love Steve Howie. So good. Yeah. But it was one of the worst things I've ever seen about it. It was a pilot. Yeah. Yeah. Who did it? NBC? It was. Yeah. What was it? Friends with better lives. That's not it. Yeah. It's a pilot. You're probably not going to find it. Lost a time. That's what's so incredible about those pilots is that they just kind of came and went and there were thousands of them. How many did you do four? I did one with Bill Bell. He brought up last night that I didn't even remember we did together. Right. Me him in black Jesus. Yeah. Do you remember black Jesus? Yeah. And I don't swim. He's so good. Me him in black Jesus and Bill Bell. Me. And we did a pilot. And I don't even remember. Oh, what is it? What was it called? Unair Ka winning ugly. That's exactly right. And later renamed black dad. It was a he had an adopt. He married a white girl or started a relationship with this white lady. Slink Johnson. Shout out black Jesus. Yeah. Malcolm D. Lee. And he she had a kid. And so he's like new black stepdad in the neighborhood and the white neighborhood. It's basically the show neighbors that they do now with Cedric reverse. Right. Right. That the opposite. Yeah. Wow. It was pretty fucking great actually. And Bill was super fun. Bill Bell. Me is the man. I love Bill. The best. He's very funny. But yeah, black dad. It was really called winning ugly. That's right. To black dad. Black dad. They really put it on the nose. And then father. He's black. Yes. Perfect. What was this? God. I don't even know you have to look it up. I have no idea what year that was. What year? Just type in what year? Why do we forget about pilots? Because they were painful. What do you mean? Well, it just sucks when it doesn't go. And you kind of put some 2016. You put some worth into it. And it kind of hurts your feelings when it doesn't go. And you're like, it's you want to wash it away. Yeah. I kind of want it to like hear here. When you get. Okay. You get the call. Right. Yeah. You're testing. Huge. Just to get that call is winning the lottery. It's a huge deal. All right. So now you're up against two other. They have two other options. You don't. You also don't know what your placement is. Right. You don't know where you are in the race. Yeah. You could be third option. Okay. But you go in and you test. Right. Then first sometimes they call and they go, you got it. You got it. It's a second feeling of lottery. Mm hmm. You dance. You dance in the living room with your wife or whoever you dance. You dance with the dogs. You must dance with dogs. Yeah. Got it. Right. Then you go. You do. You meet the cast. You do the fucking table read. And then you do the whole thing. And then you wait. Can you sit and wait? Right. And you have to stand back then, especially in the early 2010s. You know, I mean before that. Right. Mm hmm. If it gets picked up and it does well, you're going to. You're going to kill it. It changes your life. Yeah. Right. But the odds of again picked up is just as bad as the odds of getting a test. I would say we should do the percentage. I bet you the odds of a pilot that was shot in the mid 2010s was probably 15% pick up to 85% no pickup. The average is pitches heard 500 scripts ordered 70 pilots film 20 series picked up five usually. Oh, that's what it was. I mean, the odds of that. It's impossible. The entire pipeline from television screen to odds at show making that series from the initial pitch or one to two percent. And also you have to understand that you're talking about thousands of actors. Right. Competing. It's pretty wild. It's wild. I'm very lucky that we got to do it sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah. In fact, sometimes you go one to a room. And you're intimidated because you see who you're against. Yeah. And you walk out. You don't do that. I go back to the car and I call and I go. This is not going to happen. Yes, it's not going to happen. There's no fucking way. They're picking John C. Riley's up there. I know I'm going to go home. Yeah. I used to see Seth. All the little ones. The little ones. Yeah. All the little ones. I had to compete with Seth Green, the little ones. Did you ever do that pilot, the little ones? No. I couldn't even get that. I couldn't even get on the little ones. Yeah. But yeah, you would. The idea of this stone street story on the commercial. No. What? So I remember I wasn't booking because I was such a perfectionist. Where did that go? I missed those days. Yeah. Yeah. I was. You were such a perfectionist. If I messed up on one line or our world, it would spin me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was you still I still see that in you. Yeah. Yeah. I'll spell the fuck. Yeah, lose your mind. Yeah. But before it was worse. Right. And so I was walking to this audition. And I was sitting there. And there was like the same thing. 30 other guys in there. But stone street was shooting modern family on that lot. Wow. And he followed me into the audition room. I think it was Sony, maybe. Did that help? And he said something to me. I'm sitting there. I see stone street walking. And he and I go, what's up, dude? And he leans in and he whispers one thing in my ear. He goes, it doesn't need to be perfect. It doesn't need to be word perfect. It doesn't need to be perfect. Oh, it doesn't need to be perfect. Yeah, I fucked it up. Can I say that? I get one again? No, it doesn't need to be perfect. He leans in. It doesn't need of that. He's so beautiful. Yeah. But you're gonna cut that part out. No. No. Yeah. Give me another shot at the line. This is what would happen. What? And it he goes, you're allowed to make mistakes. So, yeah. That freed me up a lot because it's like, you know, did you end up booking? I think I got a call back for that one. But, um, awesome. Yeah. But it was a nice gesture. That was very nice. Have other actors been helpful to you in that way? Yeah, when I when I tested for SNL Molly Shannon called me through a friend to give me advice about the test about the audition. Oh, that's cool. And I think that was like one of the coolest moments ever in my life. Yeah, I was like, you shouldn't have to take the time to do that. And she just gave me some really nice playful advice about you're already prepared. You already did it. You just you just got to go like do the thing knowing that they might not like what you're going to give them. But you like it. Yeah. Right. And I'm like, yeah, I do. And she's like, well, that's what's fun. Yeah. Comedy's only fun if you like it. Yeah. If you don't like it and it's just for them, it's never going to be that good. But her calling me just taking five minutes out of her day. I was out there. It changed the way I viewed that test. And that's why when I tested for SNL and I flew to New York.
or can do the thing, I'm maybe the only guy of my friend group that loved it. I loved it. People had such a negative experience about the pressure and the weight of their shoulders of like performing at eight age on the stage. I thought it was perfect. I just loved it because I was like, yeah, dude, I got to even get on the stage. I did the, I did a run through, hit the ball. Yeah, it was, I got out and they caught it for sure. I didn't get on base, but that's fine. No. At least I got to the big league and got to try in front of Lauren and have them laugh. It probably is a mistake. No, I think I should do, I think I didn't belong on that show. You're perfect for a sketch show. I don't, I don't think so, dude. I think I'm, you do all the, you think I'm perfect for a sketch show? Yes. Yes, you're literally perfect for a sketch show. You're exactly what should be on a sketch show. Yeah, but anyway, um, but you're so talented with accents and all that character, but it's different. It's a different muscle that I, it's the same way I talked about to someone at Multicamber single camera. Like Multicam people know that's, that's what friends was. That's what Seinfeld was versus single camera, right? For, with single cameras, what the office is for reference people that don't know. It's a different muscle. Some people are very, very good at Multicamber. I'm bad at Multicamber. You know who's a king of Multicamber? Charlie Sheen. Oh, he's good. Charlie Sheen was so good at Multicamber. He was so fucking good that this is a rumor, but I heard it was true, it's been validated. He would show up and remember his lines on the day, on the day, he would chew up everything and spit it out and never did he fuck up. He almost never fucked up. They were like, dude, he'd be out partying for days on end with women and drugs and tiger's blood. Tiger's blood. And it's, you know, can I say something? You can't even find tiger's blood anymore. Not anymore. Because of him. 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[email protected]. - One, two, three, how about a run of applause, or gain? - Bones to get, yeah. - Well, how about you introduce them the right way? - No, because my dad, my dad, when he was alive, right? I remember my dad going, "Is it in here?" - You don't have to, if you don't want to. We just always do them. - I hate sand. - Don't do it. - Let me hear how you sound real fast. - Okay, hey, regular speaking voice, regular speaking voice. Testing one, two, three. - As long as you're near your mouth, you're good. - Okay, we good right here. - My father, you know, back in 2007 or so. - Yeah, this is a great idea to have chairs that fucking-- - We love it. - Fart as I move back and forth. - You know what that teaches you? - What does that teach me? - Don't move. - Yeah. - Don't. - You get to put fucking feet right here. - Can I see this something right now? - Oh, no! (laughing) - Let me say something, you just sit here, all right? Let me say something right. If you were in that life raft, that little door in the Titanic at the end, you would not, your balancing's not good. - Yeah, his balance is phenomenal. - No, your balancing's not good, guys. - You're a white guy, good, fissique, right? You walk around with your head and your chest out wide, but you're a fool. - Why does this have to be about race? Why did you go to race all this? - Why did that all of a sudden have to flip into something that was 2006, Bobby Lee? - This is me every day of my life. I have to do this every day. And the reason we put you facing him, the guest, is because his energy. - Korean energy. - Korean energy. - I wish I had a Rambo knife and I could just fucking pop. - Oh, really? - What was that? - I wish I had a Klingon knife, right? And you would be a Vulcan. - Oh. - That's lit your throat, a Romulus. - I wish my finger guns, I wish my finger guns. - We're real guns! (screaming) - You have a new movie! - Wait, why? I'm sorry, bad. - What a stupid idiot. - We build up. - Okay, I love you. - I love you. - I really do. - What an idiot, though. This is what I deal with every day of my life. - I have a resentment. - Okay, go ahead and you know, and I do too. - Air out the room. - Yeah, so bad friends. - You're here. - Yeah. - What's the resentment? - I'll tell you my resentment. As soon as funny money, okay? - Yeah, can you say the whole title, please? - Is it called funny money? - The Dinkook story. - The Dinkook story. The funny money. - Yes. - Right. - The Dinkook story. - He pays attention to almost nothing. It's almost impossible. We talked about it. It's okay. - It's fine. Go ahead. - I'm here. - Finish your grievance. - All right, so my grievance is this, okay. - Tell me. - I text you how I purchase, I text you, I bought it. - You did, right? - And I got a very emotional about that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I said to you, and I saw it, it's great. What a fucked up situation, all. - Hmm. - And then you did laugh a little. - Then you did have, yeah, I did. And then you had a premiere, was invited. - Oh, the grievance. - Okay, wait a second. Do you know what night the premiere was on? What night was it on? It was on a Friday night. - You're in my office. - You're a headlining comedian. I didn't invite any comedian that I knew. - You know what, say to me, Jeff Ross. - And I got a gig. - Is it not a comedian? - Jeff Ross, first of all, Jeff, I met him. - He goes, "Jeff Ross wasn't even invited." - He just showed up. - Ready? No, no, no, no, no. This is some crazy shit. In 1994, Jeff Ross and I stood in front of the Boston Comedy Club. And in 1994, I said, "Jeff, we're going places, you and I." And he goes, "You really think so?" I go, "Jeff, Jeff, let me tell you something right now. "You're invited to everything I ever do, "and I'm gonna go to everything that you ever do, "and we've done that for each other ever since." - And he held up his end of the deal the whole time. - I didn't know he was coming. - That's pretty hard. - I wanna deal like that with you. - You don't have, no one makes those deals with you. - I wanna have a deal, a blood tie. I wanna puncture our fists with our hands with blood. - Get the Rambo knife. - I wanna do a blood ritual with you. - Are we starting like this? Why does that have to be like this? (laughing) - It always is. - You're right, you're right. - You know what, you know what, I won't talk much then, because I know. - Shut up. - No, no, no, don't fucking do passive aggressive. - Gaslight. - That's what we're right now. - Gaslight. - I just don't like that we just fucking came in. Like, I don't even, I'm not even situated. And there's a gas leak in here. - Because you did a Franken attack. - Al Franken? - Yeah, Al Franken. - How you put that? - Al Frankenstein, that's what it was. - Al Frankenstein. - Al Frankenstein attack. - You did a Franken attack, man. - It was a politically coordinated attack. - You know what, can I be very honest with you? - Yeah. - It's because I'm excited, and I learned in my therapy, there's a fine line between anxiety and excitement. And I'm anxious and excited about the documentary, 'cause it's very revealing, but at the same time, I will tell you very honestly, seven years ago, I said to my girlfriend who was now my wife, if I can do this, if I can make this fucking thing that crushed me into a story, I will make the most entertaining, true crime documentary ever. - Ever. - I told her that seven years ago. And now I'm sitting here and I'm fucking holding onto this thing, and I'm a little bit anxious and excited. - But it's a good, but it's a good, it's a good anxiety. It's a good anxiety. - It is. - Right? - It is. - I mean, it is a fucked up story. - Yeah. - But it made you a stronger man, undoubtably. - Everything that I went through from that led me to the best version of myself. If that never happened, I don't even wanna know what direction the career in my life goes. - Yeah. - I didn't even wanna, I wouldn't time machine and go, let me sit, no, no, no, no, this is the way it was supposed to be. Can I be very revealing with you about police? - I love revelations. - Revelations.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Can we read revelations? (laughing) Can anybody have a. - Get the Bible. - King James. - Get the Bible. - Okay, no, it's because of this. And this is why I love talking to comedians about this and I've done a million podcasts, but I sort of was like, I felt like even on the way over I was holding onto this. You guys have known me a long time. I'm in the holy shit business. I've always been in my career a person that strives to go, I'm just a college act in 1995. How can I reinvent this? Whole fucking thing. So Naka has to come to me and go, hey, how do we, we want to block book the way you, and so I've always been a person, then it was my space, and then it was in the round with Marty Colner directing me and me and Chris Albrecht working at HBO. Every single time I turned a corner, even if it was into a buzz saw, I was like, hmm, how to make this. So that while everybody else is over here, I'm right here. And even though that almost destroyed me, my brother, we can get into it too. And I'll tell you, man, it fucked me up. But I knew, I said, this is my thing. I know it. I know if I can get over this folder that crushed me. This, this, this, if it's a one-man show, or if it's a book, or if it's a documentary, I know I'm gonna put this in the fucking rarest of rare air. And we're sitting here tonight on the precipice of something that it's 22 days at number one in the United States. Crazy. Nothing's knocked it off. Guess how many marketing dollars I have? Zilch. Zero. Nothing. Wow. I'm in the top five. I did the math on it. I'm up against $3.2 billion of box office. How much is that in revenue to put towards, like publicity, millions and millions and millions? Yeah. I'm at number one word of mouth. This is what I'm fucking good at, guys. Yeah. What I do, and now that it's with Netflix, it's like, we're gonna fucking, I'm telling you, you don't even, you don't even know what I'm doing next. I'll be beginning of the next. I'll give you three letters, my friend. No, here he goes. May I? PBS. Great. He just learned these three letters. F-O-D. F field of dreams. He loves that movie. I love that movie. He loves them. What do they say in the movie? If you build it, they will come. And guess who I had lunch with recently. You can build a listener who's in the fucking film. Wait, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what's that? Give me the lunch. Where is the lunch in? Where is the lunch in with the costume? Oh, no, I didn't actually have lunch with him. We were texting, gonna get together for lunch. We're talking about Mr. Brooks. That lunch is never gonna happen. We did a film called-- It's gonna happen. Oh, yeah, okay, sorry, bye bye. (laughing) That all of that. No, what, no, no, we're not cutting. Okay. What are the questions of the field of dreams? Because that's all I'm interested in. It was more about, it was actually more about dances with wolves because I knew he had a lot of fucking, it was like a shit show for him to-- He financed it, right? Wasn't that the whole thing? He, but he had a couple of backers and they didn't want him to do the Buffalo run. Right. And there's a great story he's probably told on a podcast where he brought all the guys to lunch because they were like, you're not doing that scene. And he was like, I have to do this scene. No, you're not doing it. So they came to set when they were filming that scene, long story short, he took them to lunch. He leaves the lunch and he goes and he shoots the fucking scene. He gets on the horse, does the whole thing, obviously, and no insurance, probably comes back after the lunch. They're like, where'd you go? And he goes, I shot it. And he goes, and of course they were all like, what the fuck? He told you. And then one guy goes, how does it look? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tell us what it looks like. Costner taught me a lot about, man, dude, a lot about fortitude. Part of why I'm here today is because of some of the things that Kevin Costner said. My mom was dying when I did Mr. Brooks. So I would go to set, we talk about my mom, we talk about filmmaking, we talk about philosophy, and then we talk about self-actualizing and resilience and fortitude. And a lot of what's in this documentary, I wrote them, I said, this is a big piece at this, is because of what I learned with you. Can I tell you a core memory of you? Can we pass on it? And just actually-- Yeah, let's talk about something else. It's made me more standard questions. Yeah. Yeah. Just like a standard interview question. No, give us a core memory. Good, good. All right, then fuck that. No! Yeah! Give me the nights! Okay, so my core memory, I have several core memories of you. Okay, okay. If I may. Please may. Yeah, yeah. I remember being at the grove, and I said hi to you, you were there. It's a long story. It's almost over. You know what I mean? If you give it another 10 seconds, you know what? You talked a lot about resilience and fortitude. Fuck you, dude. Let me-- Wow! And congratulations on the movie. Thank you so very much. All right, because you did all that, right? So that's good. What about the grove? I saw you, your mom and your dad and your sister, and you guys were walking with your arms around each other walking down the-- I remember that. Yeah. And the second thing, I go, how do you make it? And you said something to me, he goes, become undeniable. You told me that. I still don't understand what it means. You're very denied. Yeah. You're remarkably denied. People deny me all the time, but still. It was a really good note. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember saying that to me? Well, I remember just feeling like even in my own career, it's like you have to be doing something completely different, and you have to make everybody believe that that's-- that you know, whether it looks like it's at working or not, that you know. I know. Yeah. That's the key. What year did Harmful swallow come out? I was selling it the original version of it, 1999, 2000 into 2001, and then Comedy Central Records Forms, and they lease it, plus three more albums. When I-- the girl that I was seeing when I first-- in college, when I first went to college, and I was obsessed with going to the Tempe improv, because that was like the only club in Phoenix to go to. And the girl that I started to see, she knew I loved Comedy, and I was too scared to admit that I wanted to be a comedian, and as a gift, she gave me-- I already had it, but it was like a-- I really liked that, and I was like, I really liked it, and she's like, do you want to listen it together? And I was like, do you like Comedy? And she was like, not really, but I like that you like it, and then she started listening to it, and then she left me in an effort to try to be with you. So thank you. Why did you do that? Oh. Why did you do that? She said, I think I'm going to pursue Dane. What was her name? Her name was Jen. Okay, I know Jen. No! I used to call her Tempe Jen, and she became so infatuated with you, and I was like, I thought you said you didn't like Comedy. She's like, no, I like this. I think I like this. I was like, thanks. Okay, great. Sneaking-- I used to sneak into shows over there, because I couldn't really afford to go over there, but back then, it was only headliners, right? They didn't do-- like, Mike Knights were like kind of pretty sporadic, and Arizona didn't have a lot of mics anyway. But going there or sneaking in there to see people, to me was-- I mean, I snuck in to see-- I told Pablo, I was like, I snuck in to see you one time, they put me out the back door, and I was just sitting by the fucking-- It's not who. --during trade. Pablo Francisco. Oh, he saw Pablo. I'm saying I'm saying to Pablo, I would sneak into shows. If they-- if I was cool-- if they were cool enough, some of the employees, they would let me sneak in the smoke door by the back, and I would just hang and watch. That's all I was upset. Well, because that was-- I don't know if you ever had this, but I was afraid to admit that I wanted to do it. I really wanted to do it. But I was kind of scared of people knowing, in the event of failure, people being like, oh, you think you're a fucking-- you're going to be a comedian? But I had that anxiety, so I didn't tell anybody, so I would go to mics and not tell a lot of my friends. See, I was scared. I was like scared to admit that it was what I loved. Yeah. Those little-- see that? Those little moments, right? That's what it's all about, baby. I know. You know? You guys are chatting. Can I just split for a few minutes? Yeah, 10-- if you take-- take five. Take five, and then we'll come back. Are you real? No, I'm kidding. Oh, yeah. Is it a comedian? He's an internet. Wait, 10pm for off. Can I just say it? That's one of the only road gigs that, if they were like, oh, you know, we'll Thursday to Saturday, I'd be like, can we have a Wednesday and a Sunday? Like I wanted to be in Tempe because there was a clientele there that was actually very low. Stunning, beautiful people. And that club was-- I played that club 30 times. Never got late once. Surprise. Surprise. So I don't know about that. I heard that. I heard that. That's actually not true at all. I've never-- I mean, I had dinner recently, and you and I have never had a dinner. Now, what do we need a dinner? Well, tell me. You're the first of all. This guy-- You're a terrible fucking friend. This guy's bragging in the parking lot. He's lost 55 pounds. Yeah. He's on a fucking meal plan for a year. His wife is-- he only eats 2,000 calories a day. What dinner can I go to with you? What's the-- Under the steak house, do we go to? I don't remember. What was it? It was steak 48. Steak 48. So what do we do next time there? Your wife and you. That's right. Did I have anybody? I was on a date. Yep. You were great. We had a lot of fun. But you and I talked a couple of years ago about doing a golf thing, and I've been waiting for you to text me. I got it. Well, do you want a golf? Some people say they want a golf. I have said that day. Some people say they want a golf, and then they go, "Let's golf." And they're like, "I don't really--." Fucking-- That's all right. I got to deal, right? Okay. You take him to golf. 100%. Done. You take him to Warzone. I tried to get him to play Warzone. Uh. Yeah, but we're off Warzone now. What do you mean? What do you want now? We are prepping for Grand Theft Auto Sick. It's going to be the greatest piece of entertainment IP in the history of anything. But-- Can I do you mind if I interject something else? Yeah. Can you put your hand down? No, hand up. Okay. Hand up, hand up. What do you-- Senator Palpatine? I only reached out. You turned out put a luxury city into my face. When I start making a few shekels back, because I'm decimated by this funny money, the Dan Cook's story, everything that's taking place in there with my brother. We can just call it funny.
- Why did the Dan Cook story? - 'Cause it is his story. - I know, but it's a game at the whole time. - It's money money. - That's good. - And let's move on. - I take a little scratch, okay? 'Cause now the kids starting to get back in the fucking-- - People know what you look at the cover of the thing. It's your whole face. - I see it, I'll see you as a Google flashup. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Look up to the funny money. Yeah. Do you need to put, look at right there. - Do you need to put the Dan Cook funny money on that? - It says the Dan Cook story. - The story. - I just want people to understand it's my story. - So in the story, can we talk, I'll go go. - But can I finish? - Yeah. - Okay, take two interactive, okay? That's the company that is over rockstar games. Rockstar North as well. This kid takes a little bit of the fucking currency that's now coming in. Even though, yes, I'm still, I can barely breathe, but I put a little bit into the stock of the take two entertainment. Because we think that the next grand theft auto is probably going to come out a few years is going to do very well. It's 16 years later, but those investments, my stock investments in 2011 or 12 were 10 tech stocks. And a few of them were like pre-AI. So that's what kept me cool the last few years to go, I can make my doc. I didn't have to rush into some fucking. Some fucking stuff where you show up on set and you're like, "I'm gonna get me the fuck." - How do you have the foresight to do that? - Inside of trading. - Yeah, it's inside of trading. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - Nancy Pelosi. - Yeah, yeah. - Somebody told them. Somebody told them. - Who called you dude? - Hunter Biden? - Did Hunter call you? - Did Hunter Biden? - How did you know? Well, that's the same thing. That's like what Kutcher did that, right? Didn't Ash and Do That were reinvested in all these tech companies. - You really did. - Like Uber and stuff early on? You and I. - We didn't do nothing. - We bought into Kevin Hart's vegan joint. They're all closed. I don't know why we-- - That was a bad idea. - Why did we buy into that? - Yeah. - We put every dime we made into that. - Yeah, no, that was-- - I'm not shooting at you, Kevin. We love you. - I love you, dude. You know that, right? - We've known each other a lot. - Do you remember, I used to come to your house when you lived on Fountain. - That's right. - Do you remember that apartment? - Press and heights and Fountain. - Yeah, and I used to go up to you and you'd play me a little tune. - Yep. - With a guitar. - Oh, he plays with you. - Yeah, I'd be in the window. - I'd be in the window and I'd play as Bobby Walker. - I had long hair. People would, like, Rapunzel. They would-- (laughing) - And then I remember, I remember one time, there was a giant fountain with coifish, I used to yell at Bobby, ride one of the coifish around. (laughing) - Ride one 'cause there was a big one for you. - I'm a little piece of shit. - You remember New Orleans? - What happened in New Orleans? - Vince Vaughn. - Me, you, Vince Vaughn. - I met him, Ed. - And I met him, Ed did New Orleans at one time. - What did you guys do? - You played like 90s. - Like a group headlining show? - We played Wild West. - Yeah, no. - It was pre. - No, Wild West was way after that. - Yeah, it was pre. - It was Vince had a show down there and he asked us all to be a part of it. - Yeah. - So we've traveled down there together. - It was incredible. - It was wild. - It was fun weekend. - I have a lot of fun. - Did Vince do stand up? - He did some. - He was sort of like. - You know, I'll tell you, he talks fast. - Yeah. - Yeah, he did that thing. - Yeah, come on, baby. - He liked to host. - He was a host. - He kind of liked to host it and he liked to banter in between and kind of do that Dean Martin type thing. - Great. - Yeah, yeah. - One of the greatest moments of my life, I'll tell it really quick. He used to be in the back of Dublin in the hallway where people would smoke, you know, that back stairwell. He would hype man me as Trent from "Swingers". - Oh wow. - He would hype man me. - Wow, wow. - He would grab me by the shoulders and go, "You're peanut butter and jelly, baby." Okay, and you're the chips as well and it's on a dixie plate, a little dixie cup, baby. And every time you take it, you can sip in that crystal light, baby. And he'd be rubbing my shoulders. And then they'd go, "JD, he's gonna go, "Dane Cook!" And he'd smack me on the ass and go, "Your money, baby, go get him, baby, you're money." Get him right now, Dean Cook. - Yeah. - And I'd hear him yelling at me and I'd pass Big Craig, we'll be fucking, you know, Big Craig, Preston Peace. I love Vince. - By the way, Dublin's, Dublin's would be called the "Dane Cook" club story. If you did a Dublin's documentary, people that don't know what Dublin's is, phenomenal spot that Jay Davis famously ran and Dane. - And I'm at, I'm at do it too. - It was both of them. - Yeah, both of those guys. - Oh, I thought it was just Jay. Sorry, I mean, I don't mean to step on the toes. Jay though, Jay's kind of the face of the, he was always the face of everything. - He was like the Barker who also was, you know, running the show. Something that back booth, standing under that one light that they put, I mean, it was, that Tuesday night free show of Dublin's was, I think for me, one of the things that helped me just take out hard left turn and go, okay, wait a second. This isn't working for me. This club isn't using me. The factory's sort of like, and then Dublin's sent me into a different realm. - I remember those days because I used to do those shows and I remember it was-- - Different response though, huh? - What was it like going on first? (laughing) - Oh, shit! - Get that burn. Being undeniable, huh? - Never worked. - Fortitude, fortitude, fortitude, fortitude, fortitude. Yeah, it was a shit moment. - If people don't know, people have to, let's set up, it was a Tuesday night, and it was Cameron Diaz. All these people would come. - Gritty spears would come in. - Yeah, Hollywood superstar. - Super stars would come. - And it was like-- - KZ, Poblin and Dublin's, that was from-- - Unreal. - It was unreal that night. - Yeah, yeah. - I don't know how that even became such a cultural moment in comedy history. I don't think LA's had something like that since. And who knows if they ever will? 'Cause the clubs now kind of run Hollywood. So it's hard to compete. But that was kind of the lore of that. People from out of town knew about it. You know, like out of town comics would come in and be like, can I, I wanna go pop out of that Dublin's but you just check it out. People just wanted to see it happen. Dublin's, I walked in one night on a Tuesday and then I went, there was like this little balcony and I'm overlooking sunset. And I'm trying to figure myself out. I'm like, what am I doing? How am I gonna like capitalize? I'm in Hollywood, they don't give a shit. What am I doing here? And I looked at the sunset strip and I went, wait, this isn't a comedy town. This is a music town. This is a rock and roll avenue. I'm going to be rock and roll. And I said that into, I go, I'm done trying to be a comic with a set. I'm gonna play into something that's a little bit more of what was rough and tumbling about this fucking sunset boulevard with the bands that I grew up loving. And then I started hanging out with the bands. I started hanging out with Sebastian Bach. Is that Baroque music? I would listen to, is that Baroque music? Is it Skid Row? No, Bach. Sebastian Bach. Oh, no, Sebastian Bach. Dane, he's doing a bad joke right now. I'm gonna really bad joke right now. Let him land this bad joke. So this guy came out of my mouth? You can cut this. Yeah, I will cut it. It fell short. Go ahead, continue. Cut it. Let me just get back into it. I'm gonna do a little bit of a rhythm. Three, ta, ta, t, t, ta, that didn't happen. Okay, so Sebastian Bach gets on my foot. I see him get on the flight. I'm still back in ass out. Okay, I'm on a folding chair and fucking section Z. And I see Sebastian Bach. And he's a big dude. You know, he's like seven, four. I early Twitter, I tweet low-key hoping this plane goes down just so I can hear Sebastian Bach scream. Oh, wow. He must be on Twitter. All of a sudden the curtain opens and he points to the back of the plane. He goes, you dude. You. No way. Fucking comes toward me and I'm sitting and he grabs me by the shoulders and he just starts fucking like funny yelling in my face. He's seeing the tweet. Yeah. We exchange numbers. And then I start hanging out with him. Jerry Cantrell, I play poker with Jerry. Shout out to Jerry St. Birthday, March 18th. All these guys make a slash fucking Tommy Lee. He starts coming to the laugh factory Tommy Lee and Tommy Lee would run around doing the Sufi when I used to go to his shows and I throw up the Motley crew. So getting to know all those guys was like, all right, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna have that energy and not show KC fucking stand-up energy. I'm just gonna be a rock star, not a comedian. Yeah, but I mean, you did rev, I mean, everyone does say that. You turned it into something bigger than a stand-up show. It was like a performance arc. It was like a, it was a theater. It was a theater. It was a theater. It was like, yeah, it was a theater. You were going physical, your setups are so fucking, like some of the whimsical things you say, sometimes you'll condense words into your own daincookism, you know. The cook-isms. The cook-isms. That's your next point. That's a book by the way, the cook-isms. But you talk about one Sebastian Bach and all these people, right? But can you beat Taylor Swift? I don't think so. All right, this is, this is, this is, he does this at least every fucking episode. Hey, that would take the Taylor Swift out. I don't think so. He thinks this is funny, every episode. It is funny to me. And sometimes, you know, we don't do it for the laugh. Yeah, okay. Yeah, some does you do it for the laugh. One of my most embarrassing moments in my entire career, and I'm going to bring it back to me because I'm the guest. I'm the guest. Please. Thank you. I did the tonight show with Taylor Swift. And I wrote a song for her. And I performed it. She was nice enough to come back out and sit on the couch. And I took my shirt off. It was online. I have a Taylor Swift tattoo of her face on my chest. I got to say it. And I sing a song about her to her. No way. And all I'm going to tell you is if I could erase one moment from my career, it will probably be this because even though she was really sweet about it, like backstage after even though we took a picture, she was like, thanks, dude. It was like, what she hated it? I just felt like it was a swing and a miss. Is that you, do you write? No, that's him on the left. (laughing) Fucking moron. That's a moron, and come on. Yeah, no, but what? So you felt that hit, though. That was like a-- It was like the beginning of me going, I don't need to do this every time, where I come out and try to razzle dazzle the show into something else, which was sort of becoming what they were expecting of me. Instead, I was like, I gotta bring it back to like, I can be funny, just fucking hangin' like this. And that night, I was like, I think I jumped the shark. You got a swing, you swung. So I think swingin' is better than not. 'Cause the swing is worth the worth the chop, 'cause if you hit the home run, it's incredible. Striking out isn't bad. I don't think it's bad. Striking out with your shirt off in a Taylor Swift tattoo.
on your hairy chest is feels bad. (laughing) - It's good. - But it's about a story. - It's about a story. - He was like, "Hey, can I come to game night and hang out?" I heard, 'cause her brother Austin, I know, he came, you know, he's cool dude, but she never showed up and I'm like, "It's 'cause of that fucking song that I sing." - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's no way that's a thing that's good. - She doesn't like you. (laughing) - Such a dickhead, dude. - Dade, everyone loves you, man. - That is not true, that is not true. - I have enemies as well. - That is, let's talk about that. Can we talk about your movie? - Let's talk about it. - All right, I wanna talk about it. So because some people don't know. - Yeah, people, yeah. - So essentially the documentary, it's your life, it's called the "Dane Cooks" story, right? - It's available. - It's on the cover of the thing. - Yeah. (laughing) - This is funny money, "Dane Cooks" story. - He's reiterating that. - Yeah, yeah. - So anyway, your brother, is the documentary essentially about that, what your brother-- - Why do you bring this up? - No. (laughing) - Is that what they essential the documentary is about? - The documentary is, it's not a documentary about the entirety of my career. I felt like I was a young man. Still not the right time to tell a whole story, but this is like the Empire Strikes Back moment of my life and career. I have hit big. I'm now sort of coming down the other side of fame. It's starting to settle into whatever the new normal is. And I think I'm set for life because I fucking put everything in the vault. And my brother's the only person with the key and the power of attorney. But I didn't know that my brother and his wife were very bad people. I had no clue. And this is what takes place in the end. - On the heels of also other sad family tough issue in your life. - Yeah. - I mean, it's like, you know, yeah. - Both my parents died. - It's just, on the heels of that kind of stuff that the weight of that of, who do you trust again, do you trust again, how do you get back there? It's a problem. - Can I powerfully think? - I just, I never didn't trust. I never had a problem with trust. I never, people think like, "Oh, you must have had crippling anxiety about trust." The moment Darryl was out of my life. What? - That's his name? - What Darryl. Whatever the thing that he shrouded me in, he dissipated a lot of relationships that I think he saw were strong people because he didn't want strong people to help me to see things clearly. So the moment he was out, my golden gut and the things that got me where I was in the first place was almost better. I didn't lose trust. I didn't, I didn't look at people like, "Are you trying to, no, if anything, "I started really building deeper, "more meaningful connections with people." So I didn't have to go through that. Even though in my therapy, I went through a lot of other problems, but never with trust. - Trauma? - Trauma more from the grief of losing my parents and not listening to them. 'Cause they had a lot of information and intel about my brother that I did go with what I thought he was, rather than listen to some of the things. - What was their intel? Can you share it? - My mom, specifically, like my mom, quite literally in the last moments of her life was like grabbing my hand and saying, "You gotta look out for your brother." It's in the dark. I talk about that moment. She's like, he's not a good guy. You gotta be careful of your brother. And I'm thinking it's 'cause she's sick. I'm thinking it's 'cause the medicine that she's on, but it was the last, my mom gave me a lot, like her nickname was my compass. My mom was my compass. She told me a lot about the direction of my life. And when I said, I wonder if I can, she's like, you don't wonder. You're gonna be one of the best comics of your generation. You're going to do it. And I went, you think I can, she go, "No, 'cause you won't take it halfway. You won't. You'll take it all the way." With this, the last thing that she said about Darryl and you gotta look at him closer, you gotta, it was like the beginning of me starting to look at him and moving some things around to see what happens when I start requesting different movements. So it was like a blessing from my mom, even though she was on her way out. - Oh wow. - What was the total number again? - The what? - The total number. - The total number? - Can I guess? Go ahead. - 17. - I think it's north of that. In the docket's 12.5, because I did what's known as a forensics audit. A forensic audit, you look back at your entire history of everything, everything financial. They quite literally lay your whole life financially, every penny on a table. And over three days, I had to look at everything over 12 years. You can only go back 12 years on a forensic audit. If I could have paid to go back 15, you go, what's the first thing he stole when I would've? So it's 12.5 based on 12 years, but it's actually closer to, I think north of 20, if you really wanna know the truth. And I, and by the way, this story's not over. This story is only the beginning. - 'Cause your brother's out of prison. - He's out of prison. - He's here. - Darryl. - But you bring him on in, Darryl. - Yeah. - We weren't talking about something. - We're like, how do you Mandel? We do this. - Yeah. - Just the fuck with you. - Just to confront you. - Yeah, don't go on how he show him. Fuckin' go get your brother. - Don't get Darryl. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Insane. - And when's the last time we talked about Darryl? - That was the, it was the answering machine message that you hear in the documentary that opens a dock. Was the last, it's funny. That day was day three of him being, you know, gone, me being locked out of my, not only being locked out of the bank accounts, but starting to realize, okay, I don't think there's anything really in there. And then I went to the, my neighbor Richard was like, you gotta get out of this apartment, the La Fontaine apartment. We went up to the gym. - Why do you have to leave the apartment? - Because he was like, dude, you're a basket case, you're like, I was so, I was brokenhearted, man. I was betrayed. - It would ruin my life. - I was fucked. - I would never be able to recover what you wanted. - Okay, I've said this on a few podcasts, but I'll say it again. Until that day, the first day, I never knew the definition of the word frantic, but I know what frantic is. I had a fucking collapse. I had a, I'd always had anxiety attacks, but I'd only had two that were like where you're sort of catatonic, like a fucking like DEF CON one. This was, you ever get so nervous that your eyes shaking your head for a second and you kind of feel cold almost like it? Okay, that shuttering like you're on a fucking plane that won't stop being turbulent. I thought I was losing my fucking mind, you guys. I was so scared, I was so humiliated, I didn't know what my future was gonna be. My career's already fucking settling, so I'm like, I didn't even know, do I have a swing at the bat? Am I gonna be able to, I don't know I'm gonna do this the next thing that I'm gonna do, but I go to the gym with Richard. He goes, let's just go, we'll get her workout in. When I come back, it's that fucking answering machine message. And he left that and I didn't hear from him. I tried to call him, I tried to email him, he didn't call me back. And then a year later, I saw him when I read the impact letter in court is the first time I saw him. Yeah, and you haven't, and you will never talk to him again. I can't say that and also this is not over. This is the beginning of something I've been putting together for a while. And this is the start and then we'll maybe in a little bit, I'll tell you guys what's happening next, but a lot has happened since this. Sure, gosh. I'll leave it there. I'm excited about that. I mean, maybe there's like quite literally funny money, too, based on some of the things that are even more unusual than this. So I hope people watch this and then stick close because. It's like stranger than fiction. Where you're like, you can't even. You can't. Sometimes you can't believe. It's the biggest betrayal I've ever heard, I think. Yeah, in terms of like someone I know, it's the biggest Bernie made off. And let me just tell you, you know, Bernie said to me one time, burned dog, we used to walk around the grove with our arms around all of our cell in a fucking group. And it wasn't his mom at all. That was Bernie. Well, that you don't think that that happened. I don't know if I we all walked together. But you said I had my arms around my whole family. It was like this. OK, OK, your dad was here. It was a Mentos commercial. I think he was shooting. Were we dancing? Well, there was like a Benetan ad. Like it was like beautiful to see. I sat in the theater on the premiere night. I held my wife's hand, 500 people, five minutes in. I leaned over to Kelsey. I go, did this works? Yes, I always said this could be the funniest true crime. 500 people came. 500 people. Not us, not us. Not in direct cross. Yeah, yeah. Well, he makes up for like 350. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another 150 real people. But it was can we go to funny money too? Can we make a deal here? Can we be invited? If there is a funny money too, right? Can we get invited? Are we allowed to be invited? Am I on season two of the bad friend? Yeah, you were supposed to be on one. You were supposed to be on one, bastard. That's fine. Oh, wow, wow. Yeah, the heat's on, guy. Put on the suit. But I sat in the theater. And when she was on the screen, it was one of the most surreal moments because I don't want to give too much away. There's a moment, the documentary, where she's chastising me. And I'm sitting in the audience. And I'm eating popcorn. No, remembering everything that she put me through. And of course, what she stole and how I put her in fucking prison. And I looked over at Kelsey and I said, all the money she stole, everything. This is priceless. Yeah. So Dane-- Yes. I have to say-- I just saw it says, but Dane friends. That's really cool. Thank you guys. Yeah, but the truth, though, is this. I'll wrap it up by saying this, if I may. It is in my platform, our platform. No, it's yours. Just a sidekick. OK.
- I've always thought you were a magnificent talent. Back in the Dublin days, I just looked up to you, man. And we got to do that New Orleans trip and other things. And, you know, I think we've gotten closer as we've gotten older, you know. We were young, rabble robbers, robbers. Back then, I knew we said. You did? - Rabble robbers. - Rabble robbers. And, you know, there's a, that word for Asians is very difficult. - I'm sorry, there's ours as well. - A lot of ours. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. - Rabble robbers. But you, I've always, and you've given me great advice. And, you know, and you're also just very playful. You're a playful person. And you're welcome back any time here. I thought it was great. You could compare, you know what I mean? I made fun of you a little bit. I felt good, but give Danny a round of applause. What the fuck. - Oh yeah. - And again, you gotta look in the, you don't wanna get to do a closing. - I don't get to. - Yeah, go ahead. - So, Danny, look in that camera right now and say, thank you for being a bad friend. - Hey, thank you. It was good being on bad friends. (laughing) Feel my way. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
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