Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pull yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, Children Who Struggle to Make Friends, is actually a listener question and I wanted to cover it in the longer episode because I think there's sort of quite a few little bits that I think I can share with you that might be super helpful. So, thank you to the listener who has sent this in and apologies we are only just covering it. Now, I want to start by sharing some of the details around the question because I believe that it shares some common themes which I hear and get asked around all of the time. So, these are some of the bits of the question. So, the first is the parent believes that the child probably doesn't have any friends, any real friends anyway. It seems to be affecting this child's self-esteem and confidence and under observation, so when the parent's observing interactions with sort of like-aged children, the parent can see that she likes to take the lead through play. And this child is great with adults, articulate, asks great questions and seen by everyone, adults alike, as incredibly sociable and eloquent and struggles with transitions. Okay, so that's a bit of a background. You may well be listening to this because you have a child who struggles with friendships or they're going through a particularly difficult patch with friendships and some of those points may resonate. So, I want to unpick some of those into my top five tips because it might, unpicking it can sort of explain why some of these things might then lead to friendship issues or challenges around making friends. So, let's start with this notion of that children who have lots of friends typically exhibit these qualities. So, just think about this if you've got a child who's struggling. When I go through the list, does my child also struggle with some of these issues? So, children who have lots of friends are typically great with cooperation. They know how to apologise and they're reasonably good at regulating their emotions. They listen as well as talk. They take turns. They have exhibit a willingness to compromise and appear to have an interest in others and what others want to do. So, those are kind of the broad qualities. We don't have to have all of those qualities, but generally speaking, children who appear to sail through friendships, not necessarily even the popular ones, but just children who seem to cope really well, make lots of friends, typically exhibit those particular characteristics. If you've got a situation where all of the adults that interact with your child, whether that's in a restaurant, whether that's your neighbours, your friends, the hairdresser, the person in the shoe shop that you go to buy their shoes, sort of finds your child to be incredibly communicative and articulate and can't see how they would be struggling with friendships, it's generally because as adults, we typically scaffold interactions with younger children. So, as an adult, we typically make accommodations in our interactions with young children that would not necessarily be the case when they're interacting with children of their age. And so, you know, therefore, if you've got a child who wants to lead play, if you've observed that your child typically wants things to sort of, them to decide what game they're playing or to give out the characters in the imaginative play, but, you know, they're the leader within play, usually struggle with friendships that little bit more because they don't have that compromise or that capability of, okay, well, I'm going to play your game first and then we'll play mine. In the past, when I've worked with children who've struggled with friendships, I don't do this now, but in the past when I've done that and I have observed in a playground, what typically happens is the story that will come home is nobody wanted to play with me at school. I was on my own. And quite often, reading the small print around that is actually you've got a child who wants to lead play and it isn't that no one wants to play with them. It's more a case of no one wanted to play their game and they didn't have the skills to be able to find that compromise, to find ways of saying, well, okay, let's play your game. And then in that process of that play, find ways to negotiate for their game to be played afterwards. So that's another aspect is that quite often children who struggle with their peers will not necessarily exhibit that same issue with adults. And that is because an interaction that a child has with an adult is very much scaffolded from the perspective of the adult. And it's a very different type of interaction. And then the third sort of bit that I want to unpick around this notion of the comment about the child struggles with transitions is that transitions by their nature create uncertainty. And that can be a day, transitions within a day, transitioning to school, transitioning home, transitioning from play to eating, transitioning to bed, any aspect of transition, moving from one thing to another creates a certain element of uncertainty. You're going from something that you're enjoying and was familiar to something else. And so children who struggle with transitions may also find playtime challenging because actually playtime creates uncertainty. If you're feeling that you don't have that friendship group around you or that ability to kind of go out into free play, whether that's in a nursery, whether that's at school, whether that's at secondary school, then that's going to create a huge amount of uncertainty, a huge amount of stress. And so that then makes it difficult too. So that's kind of my unpicking. I think it's just helpful to get a bit of context so that when, we then look at the five tips in terms of how we can then help and support a child, we understand the context and I guess the background to what the issues might be. So how can we as parents help if this is the scenario that we've got at whatever age our child might be? The question that came in was specifically for a six-year-old that would then be transitioning into year two. And in fact, they would have already transitioned into year two now. But this can be for any child, nursery, junior school, primary school, senior school, even that going on to university. So here are my five top tips. The first one is focus on the skills that are required for good friendships at every opportunity. Often, I guess what we think about how can we help and support our child making friends is we try and think of it, around play dates. And we will talk about that, but we also have lots of opportunities because we can only have so many play dates. And yet on a day-to-day basis, a lot of the skills around good friendships, cooperation, knowing how to apologise, regulating emotions, listening, turn-taking, finding compromise, being interested in others. We can practise those skills every minute of the day that our children are with us or we're out and about and we're doing things. It doesn't need to take over your life. But I guess I'm trying to kind of get you to see that we don't have to always focus on the actual issue that they're having. But instead we can say, right, let me unpick the skills that my child might be struggling with. And let me find ways that we can incorporate that in day-to-day. So it's really focusing in on the skills that my child might be particularly struggling with. So it's really focusing in on those bits. And then it's about practising. So what I would recommend that you do is consider out of those skills, cooperation, knowing how to apologise, regulating emotions, all of those, which aspect is your child possibly struggling with the most? And you will see that day-to-day. Obviously, it'll happen within their interactions with their peers, but it will also be happening at home. If you've got a child who isn't great at compromising because they want everything done their way at home, whether that's their top put on in a particular way, whether it's their way, the cup that they have their drink in, whether it's the way that you present their food, whether it's the, whatever it might be. If you've got a child who finds it difficult to compromise, you'll be seeing it day in, day out. So how can you work on that? If you've got a child who isn't great at listening doesn't take turns. Those are the things that you can look at. The opportunities. you can it's not about becoming obsessive about it it's not about overly worrying but when you remember it's that right i've got an opportunity here so for example if you play lots of board games then maybe and i know we often do this when our children are younger is that we orchestrate it in such a way so that they can win well maybe don't maybe one time that you play it don't and go all out so that you win and then that's helping your child understand that they don't always get things their way so it's really looking at opportunities that you've got to do that when it comes to listening and turn taking really fun stuff to get a wooden spoon and only the person with the wooden spoon can speak so that's a really great way of encouraging that right i need to listen and then i can then have the wooden spoon and then i get to do the talking it's those sorts of things that are really important to me and i think it's really important to me and i of things that i think are really helpful if you've got a child who really struggles to manage those big emotions the reason why focusing in on on that will help with their friendships is it's a really good way of helping them when there are setbacks within the friendship when their things don't quite go to plan when a friend might say something that is hurtful or doesn't include them in a game or they're able to articulate to a friend that they're feeling sad so that they're then able to have that interaction with their peers at that kind of level so it's really focusing in on what are the skills that are required for a good friendship that i can now practice with my child so that's almost sort of off the job that's not within the friendships that's number one number two is around friendships and it's about start by scaffolding and providing play opportunities or play dates so if you've got a child who's struggling around friendships rather than inviting somebody over to come and play in an open-ended so that your child is then still in the same scenario okay yes we've reduced the competition as such because it's just this one other child but if they're struggling with some of those core skills that openness of that play can create some stresses for them when we scaffold play opportunities or play dates we have those play opportunities around a particular theme so for example we might do it around a planned craft activity at home we're going to go home and we're going to make snow globes we're going to go home and we're going to make a glitter jar we're going to go home and we're going to paint something so it's having all you know create some stuff with some play that we've got so what you've got is you've scaffolded it around the task or you might go somewhere where they're soft play or you might have a trip to a local playground the idea behind that is that this provides a focus for the play so your child is not having to remember lots of the other skills that we've kind of created almost that nice little container for which that play date occurs and if your child is really struggling then it's about having that much shorter definitive time for the play whether that's half an hour an hour they come until tea time or whatever that might be it's looking at i'm working on the skills to help my child i'm now providing opportunities to play with their peers whether that is children that are in their class not in their class whether it's neighbors whether it's people who are activities that they do is really looking at those and how they're going to play and how they're going to play can you provide those interactions whilst also scaffolding it so that your child doesn't feel too overwhelmed with it and the idea with that as well is that your child experiences success your child experiences a good interaction and so does the child who comes over and what often happens particularly in those younger years is that you've had a shared experience and then when you go to school or you go to nursery the next day that shared experience and that memory around that then also translates into the playground because you remember going to that person's house you remember that craft activity that soft play that trip to the local playground which then helps for older children it also serves that purpose because there's a shared experience which then helps them make that connection when they're back in school that then sort of takes helps them with that sort of first step that push in the door in terms of that interaction so we're working on the skills we're scaffolding those opportunities those interactions which for younger children typically are play-based with older children can just we expand on that whether that's a trip to the cinema whether it's a museum trip or whatever that one it whatever their interest might be we're expanding that so we're working on the skills we're scaffolding those opportunities those interactions which for
Speaker 2younger children typically are play-based with older children so we're working on that so we're expanding that so we're expanding that so we're expanding that so we're expanding that so we're expanding that number three is
Speaker 1have conversations about the qualities of a good friendship i love doing this with um jenga you know those wooden tiles that you get and then you sort of pull them out and so the reason why i love it is it's a really great analogy for explaining a good friendship so if you imagine a jenga tower and you have a jenga tower and you have a jenga tower and you have a you would describe that that tower is like a good friendship with each tile representing one characteristic whether that's listening whether that's turn taking whether that's cooperation whether that's being fun you know whether all of those sorts of things each one of those tiles represents one quality that makes that friendship strong and robust now we don't need every single time to have a good friendship we don't need to have a good friendship we don't need to have a good tile we don't need every single one of those qualities to have a good friendship but if we started playing jenga and started removing tiles and setting them aside rather than putting them on top at some point we would remove one more tile and then the tower would collapse so it's helping them see that we don't have to have every single quality to have a good friendship but when we reach a certain point where the tower collapses that's not good friendship and so one of the things that's really helpful about that analogy and we're going to be sharing this particular resource with you because it's genuinely it's a brilliant activity i've done it with lots of children i've done it as qualities of a good friendship i've got done it as a quality of a happy family confident individual whatever it might be but it's just such a wonderful explanation of friendships because what you can then do is examine the quality of a good friendship the different qualities that make a good friend and then ask your child to notice and to pick out three qualities about themselves that make them a great friend and particularly if you've got a child who's struggling around friendships their confidence is going to be hugely knocked no one wants to spend time with me i'm alone in the playground no one asks me to parties i don't get to hang out with everyone everyone else is doing fine i'm alone in the playground i'm alone in the things regardless of the age of your child that tends that then becomes more and more of their narrative so being able to identify three qualities that make them a great friend and then reinforcing that and then asking them for three qualities that are not not their strengths areas that they possibly could do a bit more work on and what happens is that then helps them identify and the aspects the qualities that they have that they can work on that will strengthen their capabilities around friendships now i often say one of the things that i find difficult it's not that i can't do it but i find difficult is often saying sorry because i can be really stubborn so you see it doesn't mean that they're massive failings and they can't possibly make any friends it's simply helping them identify there are always characteristics that we have that draw people to us as friends and there are characteristics that we know about ourselves that we could do a bit more work and so that can be a really great way to identify those areas and then help that be the focus of what you then practice on and you never work on all three you only work on one you identify or help your child identify the one thing that they want to focus on and practice first. So we're focusing on the skills required. We're scaffolding play opportunities or hanging out opportunities for older children. We're talking about the qualities that make a good friendship. And then now we're talking about role play and practice, practice, practice. Now, whether that's practicing skills around asking to join in with a game for younger children, whether that's conversational skills once a game has started, whether that's managing conflict, whether that's working on their internal narrative, because actually there's lots of people who want to play with them, but they're sort of struggling with their confidence to join in. Whatever that might be, role play is such a powerful tool. And I'll tell you why. If your child finds the whole concept of role play awkward and icky and uncomfortable, then a really great way to frame it is, well, let's practice that awkward. Goodness and uncomfortableness and ickiness in a space that you feel really familiar with at home, because if you're feeling uncomfortable here, you're going to be feeling more uncomfortable in a play situation or in a hanging out at school, in secondary school situation. So really encouraging them in that safe space that is home is a really helpful way because it's still a stressor because it still feels uncomfortable. Let's face it. It's natural, but it's also feeling uncomfortable and unnatural in a situation that they're trying to implement it in. So we're simply replicating the stress, but we're replicating that stress in a place where they can get compassionate, kind feedback, that they're not worried about other people looking and judging them because they're doing it with us, their family. And when we're talking about role playing, I would encourage you to switch roles. So your child practices and role plays being themselves, but you practice being them too, because I find that reversals often where the most powerful aspects come in because your child becomes the other child or the other children, and they're observing you putting into practice the things that you've talked about, that they're sort of practicing. And that serves as a really great feedback loop. And often they will come up and they will say all of the things that you would say to encourage them. So it's a really great reinforcer because children are much more likely to do what they say. And so the fact that they're practicing being themselves, but also practicing the coaching of you being them too, is also a help. So role play is a really, really good one. So we're focusing on the skills. We're providing scaffolded play opportunities. We're talking about the qualities of a good friendship, helping them identify what their strengths are, as well as the areas that they're working on to develop their role playing and practicing, practicing, practicing. And the fifth one is about having faith that in time your child will get there. And I think that's a really crucial one because it's not necessarily going to happen overnight. For some, it's about being patient, but the crucial piece about having faith, when we believe with our whole being that this will resolve, this too shall pass, that our children will find their people, their tribe, their friendships, that changes the way that we respond to things because we respond in a way where we know that this is temporary. When we don't have that faith, what happens, the danger is that our worrying because we can't see that there's going to be an end to this, means that our responses are likely to inadvertently reinforce their belief that they can't make friends. So we might use language or we might, through our sort of facial expressions and the way that we respond, somehow communicate that actually this is a big issue. When we talk about this notion about children being dysregulated, it's this idea that, you know, I feel overwhelmed as a child. And I think there's a big problem. If your response to me also appears dysregulated, then that sends me into a real spiral because I think there's a problem. And now in your face, in your words, and in your tone that I detect a problem. So that reinforces, right, crikey, there really must be a problem because my parents think there's a problem too. When I'm dysregulated and I'm struggling, and what you bring back to me is, within this compassionate containment of absolute unequivocal faith, that this is temporary, it's part of that process. I have every faith that this will be different. We're working on all of the things that we can. What that then does is it provides me that contained vessel in which I experience my dysregulation, knowing that my parents aren't. And so that faith piece is a really big part. Part of that child's capability of feeling confident that with practice and with time and with experience, that things will get better. So I'm hoping that that answers the question. The listener who posed this question has been contacted directly to let them know that this podcast episode has been done to answer them. So please do come back with your views if I've answered your question and any further updates. And for those of you who are listening to this podcast, please do come back with your views. If you're listening to this because your children are going through a similar issue or just it's always so helpful in terms of just understanding about friendships, do give us some feedback. It's always really helpful. And then obviously feel free to pose a question because we do get there definitely. And we answer all listener questions in podcast episodes at some point. So have faith that I will get there too. Now, my give this week is going to be the resource. It's going to be the resource around the Jenga blocks and the Jenga tower and the qualities of a good friendship. So we will share that with you. So you can either go and get your Jenga towers and write on them. There are alternatives to Jenga, which are financially much cheaper to purchase. But it really is a great exercise. So we'll share that resource and how to go about doing that, working through that with your child. All you need to do is head over to my free resource library, drmaryhag.com forward slash library, and you'll find the link to download the Jenga resource. All you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access, not only to the Jenga tower resource from this week's episode, but all the other free resources across all my other podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be so grateful if you could follow, rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
Speaker 2I'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
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