118: Chef Microwave with Tommy Pope | Soder Podcast | EP 116

hey everybody i'm back on the road february 13th in orlando florida florida i don't know why i said that so weird but i'm gonna be there february 13th orlando florida february 14th tampa florida february 28th buffalo new york i'll see you there hopefully dance order.com for tickets i was holding that in i don't know if we kept that in but that was a real burp i mean we don't even need it we don't do intros on this but this is the one guy i want to intro from stuff island are we are we rolling yeah from jesus christ no we don't we don't fuck around no kissing no kissing on this podcast yeah don't we right to insertion tommy motherfucking pope let's go stuff island look at dish a guy i've known forever that i fucking love and one of my friends that this week i'm in a position of like i want you to be miserable this weekend because the 49ers are playing the game and i'm not playing the game i'm not playing the game i'm not playing the eagles yes yeah well this sucks this sucks having an injured team sucks yeah so bad yeah because if we were full strength this shit i would be talking to you yeah but we have literally and if you're not a sports fan dad people hold on people sometimes do this with the podcast where i talk sports and they go i don't like it i'm telling you right now yeah cut to the 15 minute mark yeah we'll be on to something else we get the same shit you start mentioning sports to these fucking yeah the range to the 15 minute mark yeah and i understand that the game already happened i'm probably very upset about it yeah he's probably on fucking cloud nine about it who knows who knows one of us will be dead but if i will say this if the 49ers were at full strength no if we win or you guys don't beat us by two scores yeah you need to fire an offensive coordinator let me tell you something are you you want to talk about healthy you want to talk to our oc has a blown acl mcl his fucking head is backwards you know that guy is out to the fucking moon in a canada let me tell you something about eagles fans you guys are the defending super bowl champions yeah you're the defending arguably a better roster easily yeah howie roseman is it's not even an argument yeah he's the greatest general manager the nfl probably has ever seen yes in the couch in the yeah it's deep because i can't i gotta do something with my feet i know i keep going keep going talk about our fucking team like but howie is like a guy where i watch and i'm like i'm gonna do something with my feet i'm gonna do something with my feet i'm gonna watch now again we niners eagles when we bump into each other it's always a little nasty i like that yeah but in the nfc east you guys are all my friends are eagles fans yeah so i like watching you guys i pay attention to the team howie is like the greatest general manager your roster's locked it's crazy 2028 it's crazy it's like and they're young and they're outside of a couple dudes they're young as hell but man oh man your offensive coordinator yeah has been getting eggs thrown at his house brother like people in philly are like going to his house and just screaming at him that kid he deserves much more what is it i i don't know every time our team is like i can name you what's wrong with our team uh acl on bosa uh ankle on warner yeah acl on our backup objective things you can you can lay your head on a pillow yeah you can you can at least leave this season going look we had some injuries and also and 49ers fans will tell you this to be get uh off season you got it you got an arm you got to touch it's within reach you're not gonna hold this yeah it's also a real i know what the fuck it is dad i know this is a game ball i got a game ball jesus christ why are we doing this well let me tell you outside i would love to have a catch toss around a one-way street i would love to have a piss off some delivery guys just amazon drivers getting mad before we get back to the birds niners yeah can i tell you you're the only person that i can really talk about this on the podcast he's going to come on the podcast yeah but having a friend that is a head coach in the nfl oh yeah the rage oh my god i feel when people talk shit about him the rage it's tough dude like it's tough mike mcdaniel's one of my oldest friends yeah went through hell with me yeah when my dad died he was my best friend yeah like friends through high school we reconnected as adults when we both gave up drinking yeah i'm so proud of him yeah of you see that's my friend yeah been the same guys in seventh grade and then i got rex ryan yeah with his fucking bad teeth calling him nerd boy he's got game show host teeth dude it's fucking they're not hey rex throwing those in is crazy hey you fat fuck who thought blue teeth were a good idea yeah halloween halloween central now your food can see you coming in the dark you fucking i thought toes are for sucking not for eating you fucking idiot calling mcdaniel nerd boy he's got more than you ever had you fat fuck you couldn't make it work with his wife's vagina is in a cast oh my god him fucking crawling through that oh my god she's got buzz sawing through that book she's got nicks on her lips from those ugly ass teeth and i don't give a fuck if i saw him in person here's the thing is like i'm prepped when i see him in person just to double burn him fuck you but now he's built like fucking pancake batter in a condom dude is he's melting everywhere he just fuck him dude he just rolls down hallway fuck him but i'm telling you yeah when you have when you have skin in the game and it's someone you love yeah you know we both feel this way when we see people talk shit about chain of course of course people where you're like yeah i don't want if i see you i'm gonna be fucking mad yeah yeah but dude this season the dolphins had a really tough season you're expressing the beauty of sports exactly it's you want this anger you want this to something to fuel your regular life it's hot the ups and downs boring dish a hundred percent of life yeah yeah it's hot talks on eggs yeah yeah yeah i have it every fucking day you put a little hot sauce on there baby we got anger we got anger on a football and what i love about it is like guys like um it's fun when you talk shit about sports but then when people actually know sports where i go like anybody that i've talked to especially shane about eagles niners and i go we're fucking injured and then sports fans can even bypass their anger to go yeah that does suck yeah of course you go i don't i don't want to fight you with a broken hand and you go well that's all i got yeah you don't want to see anyone injured and you also don't want to play an injured team you want to beat the best the best it's like that's why the eagles patriot super bowl dude i'll re-watch that unbelievable every six months it was the greatest game ever played obviously i'm biased but everyone's at full strength playing their best game you're going against the greatest yeah the best ever the greatest dynasty in the nfl what 450 or something it was crazy also what i love about it is that was your guys's turn yeah into the bad guys yeah yeah same with it was oh four with the red socks oh four red socks everyone's like beat the fucking yankees and then they do it and then they win another one and you go fuck you yeah that's exactly yeah it's you're putting you're putting the vader helmet on as soon as you get in the locker room that's exactly it you're on the other side where is bad man where is no no , what's crazy is i was at the i watched it happen to chiefs fans in real time yeah because i went to the first super bowl they played in miami and i was at the airport the next day and someone was like a couple people were like congratulations and people like we've been waiting so long and then a couple people were like all right now shut the fuck up that's how i feel about bills fans yeah bills fans if you're watching they're coming if you guys win the super bowl this year yeah we're over you yes a hundred percent you got your new stadium you got your ring i'm a big fan i i want to see them win unless we're playing them but goddamn as soon as they win fuck them forever that's exactly what it is the second they win you go so you're all right yeah i i mean we we we dog walk the fucking chiefs i loved it yeah we changed their whole organization we fucking sonic the hedgehog the rings fell out of their pockets dude my god patrick mahomes was like i don't know what to do where am i kelsey's like straight up the whole time just looking at the clock being like can i retire yeah he does this travis kelsey does this thing where he's fake blue collar yeah he's wigger king yeah dude he really is just like black black black set until he dates taylor and then he's like i just love music i just love it but he um they were talking about if this was his last game at arrowhead when he was playing the broncos on christmas and he went saw that billboard for that lottery i would i would have used i could have used that he said something like that right i could use that two grand you have a hundred million dollar deal right i could have used that two grand i could have used that two grand you have a hundred million dollar deal with amazon yeah dude stop acting like because you put on carhartt that you're fucking laying rebar i'm so glad you brought that up i that drove me insane yeah where he goes it's like you're trying to assimilate with regular human beings you made bands you're in a lucky charms commercial immediately after but that's what he did he goes i see that i see that lotto sign i win that billion dollars you're fucking taylor swift yeah she's got more money than all of south america i think it was 20 million it wasn't even well that's made me go yeah it's fucking chump change yeah that's your signing bonus yeah it's fucking uber money because that's jet money so i can fly and see her in south america oh man i don't know but the the sports are fun until your team gets to the playoffs and then it's just nerves and tell and then you're just like buddy i'm that way if the redskins game really that just yeah i'm fucking nuts because that there's a lot of implications is. Yeah. We could have got a two-star. game when we were playing week 18 yeah and also seahawks fans know you can talk shit to me and it'll make me mad so they dm me and they're like fuck it go hawks yeah i'm like first off your fan base you're not even a real fan your fan base is fugazi they don't care fucking hey the 12th man thing yeah yeah they stole it from texas a&m 100 they have to pay yeah 35 000 a year to use the 12th man you fucking hacks way to steal your thing pacific northwest and fucking florida none of it's real none of it none of your teams fucking matter i don't care if it's hockey fucking the lightning suck my dick they win all the time dude like all these dynasty right now yeah no i just got into hockey dude and i'm i'm a bruins fan because of the family i'm marrying into yeah because they don't fuck around no bruins are but here's the staple here's the thing with sports especially when you're marrying into a family or dating somebody you gotta check what the family's number one sports team yeah because that's gonna be the one that dominates had they been a patriots family yeah it'd probably be a little bit weird 100 because i'd be like well the niners are yeah one time i was flying into boston from london and i had my 49er hat on this is just boston this is boston sports in a in just one moment yeah i'm going through fucking uh i'm going through like customs like the guy's looking at my passport thick ass boston accent and i'm wearing my niners hat and four for seven days all right and he looks at he goes nine a hat in boston that's risky and i just push back immediately i go for what what's the rivalry yeah and he goes and i go oh you just wanted to fight yeah you don't even know you don't even do you don't know why it's ingrained in your fucking dna it's crazy yeah we rented a car it hurts from logan because we're going to drive back to new york from boston yeah katie and i flew into logan we rent a car it hurts rental car do you know the people that check they like scan your car and do all the stuff guys like going through it look at my license niners hat on again he hands me this stuff and he goes go boston sports yeah just generic yeah just all the sports you fucking that's like happy holidays for retards you go happy holidays yeah yeah go boston well that's what they don't fight go birds yeah yeah i mean go birds is you guys are close dude when i first moved to new york i just seeing yankee hats oh my god the fucking pain i'd have in my heart just anger i'm well you're at least fucking guy i want to say something you're and then i got the fucking texas cowboy hats oh my god i'm going from hell to hell or you're going from you are going worse to worse to like even worse because and even the dallas austin is it's not real they wear it because it's ironic hair yeah they go this calmly 100 a guy got killed in a drunk driving incident and i bought this i don't know what to do with it i don't know what to do with it i don't know what to do with it i don't know what to do with it purple bangs flowing through the top top of the straight they actually had to like draw the life out of his crushed skull but i bought it for 38 dollars it's corduroy yeah yeah you don't austin does austin outside of ut have sports no like outside of texas no there's no there's a university in fact there's one sports bar uh that we frequent that's a hardcore eagles bar yeah all all philly sports but eagles games standing room only they play the fight song it's fucking nuts i got a dj great like noon there's a pill head fucking spinning records you think you think he went to bed at all or he just fucking shot through he don't even watch football dude he goes i don't know their accents change i'm on so much drugs he's just focused on beating assault cases i got handsy back there now i'm up here fucking worried about it time spinning when you move to a rival city yeah luckily it's not they like a if it was that actual dallas proper you'd have problems it's a problem you'd have problems yeah because they're true hillbillies and i'm as a niner fan i don't bump into too much shit maybe in the early 90s it would have been a problem if i was here right right here yeah time has passed but nfc east rivalry never never ever ends and you guys have i would say the best rivalry in a division 100 100 because you got eagles giants eagles cowboys eagles i feel like it's the yankees red socks of football with the cowboys eagles shit what mark are we at 15 they said you skip all this yeah i don't i got i don't agree i don't agree with that shut up dan i don't agree we're having fun i think bears that's interesting bears packers is is socks socks yankees because they're close yeah they're closer and there's there's more like dude there's more history dude bears fans but hate the packers and pack there's more history kids that grow up just being like in wisconsin you're from fucking green bay that's what i'm saying you got nothing nothing i always used to argue best sports rivalries and then joe list blew me out of the water with north carolina uh duke yeah that's because they're down the road from each billion percent yeah they're like billion percent they've hated each other forever they it's like one of the games i want to go to is a unc duke at camera yeah you jump around with all those fucking harry potters i wouldn't my knees are busted yeah i just i'd watch well you're tall enough to stand over these little five six pharmacy you guys stop i'm trying to watch it i'm trying to watch it yeah do you like the food in austin at least because you're it's not a food city people say it's a food it's not a food city it isn't no it's fucking obviously barbecue heavy but the money you have to spend to get a good quality meal outside of the cuisine of american barbecue is fucking it's crazy do they like you're talking 200 bucks thank you everyone just wants ribs dude i we had sushi at uh scratch okay scratch which is amakase which is you know damn i don't know but at first it was real american and then it went real japanese well it's a it's a japanese farm system but it's a it's a baseball team we got guys coming up in the double a's the biggest rivalry in japanese so when you go get sushi sushi in texas to me doesn't even dude i know this is why i said it it is fucking remarkable this guy is philip lee he's like uh he owns a a bunch of uh uh restaurants he's a michelin guy for a while it was the most exceptional experience i've ever had in my life 18 courses everyone's different every different piece of fish they only had a couple meats but it was like mind-blowingly beautiful well i got the end where you were just like dude no so no one's talking because everyone's like you know enjoying wealthy and enjoying it and just not they have no personality yeah so after i'm like a black lady i was like oh oh my god and then some guy you try it some guy in a 10 gallon hat that owns 40 oil derricks is like that boy over there likes i'm just trying to have a tuna fish sandwich in peace yeah i'm wearing a michael vick jersey yeah he's like can you put it on bread i wouldn't mind some fish on bread yeah that's it just gets old there's like there's not there's not much there's no american comfort foods this is what i miss about philly and new york i mean you can go get a fucking new york you can get a chop chi or philly you can go get a good deli sandwich it's crazy the void you know you watch those uh those restaurant shows where they're like fucking gordon ramsay will put on like a bar rescue or restaurant rescue type shit they put a map out and they go japanese chinese fucking american steakhouse and they look for all these locations there is not i i don't there's a void really for american comfort food like no sandwich you're hung over there's no like fucking dude there's a couple places i've tried that have like the best ratings for like a comfort fucking can i tell you italian sub big city bias when you grow up in a big city one of the major cities in in the united states yeah you get used to stuff like that 100 because i grew up and you get it from like delis and like yeah small places around the corner i didn't even understand that concept yeah when i was in college in arizona my friend my roommate was from long island his friend was interning at snl uh and then came to visit tucson and him and i were just him and billy and i were just talking and i was like and he's like where's a deli around here and i was like what do you mean like you need cold cuts i could take you to the fries there's a grocery store there's a deli in the fries he's like i mean like a sandwich oh subway's across the street and it's like watching this guy just fall downstairs of disappointment yeah have them going just logs on the delta immediately he's like i can't get the out of here he was like you guys don't have anything i was like well like what do you want and he's like a so like a sandwich and i was like chiba hut's open and he was like i'm gonna by the third or fourth by the time i got the blimpies he was looking for rope yeah he was like get me the fuck out of here because you don't i don't think people that grow up in large cities don't understand that yeah you're you don't have that outside it's a strip mall everywhere else everywhere else like if i were to go to denver and go like let me get a good bacon egg and cheese subs yeah he's doing breakfast here's the thing though like primo's hoagies send it dude yeah like we're talking high-end comfort yeah comfort foods that like do it right thin sliced meat that are crunched why have you know this dad you know the secret of making a good deli sandwich fucking tell me baby crunching the meats crunching yeah so you get an extra thin everything sliced extra thin okay right the type of write this down you can you can see through them right yeah gentle salami hold it up capicola yeah capicola gets no love i want to i want to i want want to gauge your fucking your your your face hair yeah through a piece of meat you want to see enough enough to know my buddy's got a beard on right yeah that's what i'm talking about i want to do confession and you lay it out if you're i know you're there but i don't know it's like the mesh for five forgive me father i got my meat cut too sick no you want when you lay it out imagine a piece of salami right circular it's sitting on the table what you you do is you pinch a three prong pinch and twist and that goes on your fucking your little italian claws you gotta lose a ring you fucking lose you land like an eagle like an italian eagle you land and fucking you're plucking it out of the ocean you take it out you take back off and drop it on your and you're and you're fucking your little sandwich nest he's up you got two pieces baby burger or fucking so you can you crunch it you twist crunch and twist and you aerate okay and the purpose of that is for it's almost the difference between a filet mignon and a fucking the ass of a cow yeah a little rump roast yeah rump roast sure london broil if you will what's so funny is that's the only part of colorado that comes out of me where there's talking cuts of meat i go what are you looking for like rump roast everything else they're like i go absolutely not anything else they go what about cutting cattle i go brother what do you want to talk about hindquarters what are we talking about mid because you ain't getting up new and if you want tongue brother i can cook you some tongue fucking rules beef tongue tacos there we go yeah mexicans anyway you keep layering these aeration sure levels right you got the mortadella you got the capicola you got the salami everything's layered except for the cheese provolone keep it always pro and also extra cut you got to keep it thick yeah cheese to meat ratio it's just as important as bread to meat ratio in the whole thing right so you look at just a regular cheeseburger okay i need a certain amount of cheese for the burger if you're doing one of those steak cut small fancy burgers the the roll can't be more than two-thirds sure the size of the fucking meat what about us what about a smash burger what are you looking for yeah fucking i hate those in and out right to the toilet is it are you a smash i know sometimes i just toss it right in the toilet to save 30 minutes of digestion whenever i've made burgers it always that's really funny you go right right yeah whenever i have a smash burger it feels like i'm having the last hamburger someone cooked at a bar of course you are because they're just like it's all oil and that gristle yeah yeah yeah get the fuck out of here i don't like it microwave bacon you know what i'm saying that's exactly what a little fucking paper this is a secret dude just paper towel microwaved bacon well it's the greatest bacon of all time really it soaks up all the extra grease microwave perfect crunching crunch i love a crunch on a bacon yeah my mother used to have this like uh this little circular edged like a rimmed plastic obviously we're you know damaging our souls yeah yeah and it would lay over the the ridges and it would be a grease catcher like a foreman grill in a sense and then she would just put paper towel over it and then let it sit what are you talking about texture crunch sometimes chef mike microwave oh yeah it's all you need baby yeah oh mikey oh mikey and then you're fucking good to go let's go i love a microwave i'll do microwave cuisine you should do a whole cooking book on microwave cuisine i guarantee you'd be a new york times bestseller that's not a bad idea i'm telling you your fucking particular set of skills yeah uh like asshole philadelphia cookbook because what are they gonna do it's just the thing is like yeah how many dishes can i make that you're actually gonna cook no there's only 10 percent of people that are watching this are you are gonna cook what i'm cooking and the whole purpose of the show is to go you could cook this yes you can impress anyone yes and when you watch tommy cook go watch our uh katie and i were on an episode of look at dish he made these unbelievable sausage and peppers it's very simple it was so simple that you're like sometimes you watch stuff get made and you go i feel extra retarded for not cooking yeah i feel like i genuinely i would probably put my top two regrets of growing up yeah not knowing cars and not knowing how to cook yeah i think those are the two things that i failed myself a hundred percent my stepdad yeah nick shut out nick i'm looking for you motherfucker so i genuinely around yeah he's in his 80s i want to send him an email that just says you were the man where were you you were the man no he was the man oh him and my mom were married for like uh three years when i was a kid the man yeah they were together for like five married for three but he was the man and he would just be in our garage building cars yeah he re he really hated your mom huh dude he probably learned how to build a car he was like i was because he was so fucking miserable he goes i just gotta go in there yeah i gotta figure out my mom's neck he just wheels under the truck he goes honestly i didn't even rebuild it i just sat under there and sighed a bunch he's crying to the oil tank he goes oh dude he built though um for my mom like as an anniversary present he bought her the uh the body of a 1970 mgb wow then built it like in our garage and built a car and my gay ass while he was building a car i was like i'm gonna watch wrestling in x-men and he was like okay there should have been out there learning there has to be a little forgiveness there because children are ignorant to yeah to real life skills and stuff you have to be pressured by an either an abusive or like a very educational father yes to get in stuff like that you know what i mean you really have to either be forced or have just the greatest dad yeah there's no middleman there's no in between it's a dad that wants to beat the fuck out of you and so you go hey instead of hitting me yeah yeah teach me about a carburetor same thing with cooking even if your father cooks my dad was the last thing he wants to do is try and teach you my dad because it's a break cooking is an exceptional break from life where it's like it's beauty dude like the orchestration of like prep can i tell you throwing on some fucking background piano music or jazz and i don't mean to be fucking hack and corny about it just music that is mellow no words no no words great no words or if there's words it's like soft melodramatic gay shit yeah yeah i love like prepping and that the lighting's perfect and the just again the orchestration of time and and temperature and fucking getting a meal right and then sitting down going i fucking crutch that i'll tell you man my three hours goes by i'm happy for some reason my dad loved to cook loved to cook the only time i saw him at his peak happiness outside of watching the niners was when he was in the i swear to god i remember this burning my brain in my grandma's apartment in san francisco him cooking with a cocktail and then him just like working over the sauce and giving like a yeah oh i was rubbing coke and then getting back into it i watched my dad and you'd have the the towel over his shoulder just moving stuff and he could cook like a mother my dad and he was like oh my god i'm gonna cook for you i'm gonna cook for you i'm gonna cook for you i'm gonna cook all day you make these three dishes i'll make this dish and at night we'll have a big dinner a perfect sign of a happy relationship or marriage is if they can exist in the kitchen together yeah and know what they're doing be self-sufficient independent and confident is that big for you when you date do you like no because you're the cook yeah i'll take it over yeah yeah i don't mind doing all of it my girl now is a really good cook she didn't cook at all until i met her and she's a really good cook and she's a really good cook and she's a really good cook and she's a really good cook and she's fucking unbelievable i love that how dude it's insane her talent's insane however we have to work on the communication thing where it's like and i'm not talking about like behind like i'm not saying communication like you know chef talk type shit i mean like independence and like be confident because she she's always like you am i doing it wrong it's always like get the fuck off my shoulder you know like i'm always over and i'm like no i'm i'm just trying to give you advice of things that i fucked up for years like i'm trying to teach you it and that's like a i feel like it's an emotional um uh like roadblock for relationships where it's like if i said it it's different whereas like if you knew what you were doing and you told her how to cut an onion or something like that she'd be like oh thank you yeah dude and if i say she's like can you just give me a chance yeah well you know it's just like no you're not i'm different any kind of any kind of instruction it's like if you go for golf lessons and you go i know you're pulling your arm and she goes what do you know i'm just like i'm just like i'm just like you know yeah and then the golf goes you're pulling your arm she's oh i felt that yeah okay you're sitting there and you're like yeah look at the difference i told i fucking told you i said that instead i spent 1500 hours for lessons that's and i said the same fucking thing that's where the argument starts it's because we get mad and we go i just said that and then she goes but you didn't say it like that and then it's just like kaboom what got you into cooking when did you start cooking uh was it your family like was it your dad and mom being like get in the kitchen no it's the opposite where my parents weren't around and in order for my brothers not to fuck me up like this is true i've said this many times yeah uh i would cook for my brother so they didn't abuse me dude that's yeah so after school my parents weren't home my mother was a night nurse yeah so she worked 12-hour shifts my dad worked until he picked us up at five to go to football baseball basketball practice whatever the fuck so you had those hours a few hours to avoid beatings and you know during seasons like you didn't want to go out and play because you got to get your homework done and then go to the football field or something right so i would just make them grilled cheese so i mastered the grilled cheese at a very young age the simplest of things when was the moment do you remember the moment where i got it where you go i'm not getting hit dude i'm not getting it oh dude a hundred percent i don't mean there's i can't i couldn't tell you the exact day yeah but i realized the way they behaved and i would just cook them something i'm like you guys want a you want you want do you want a grilled grilled cheese yeah and they're like oh yeah i could use a grill just put their hand down they open it up and they go yeah oh you look at that huh oh my oh what did you do did you butter both sides of the toast fought you to brew bring me something huh oh monkey face and then did you and then from that did you become like um i got obsessed i got obsessed with like learning how to try new dishes and like learn how to make a sauce have you done the very complicated ones like a quiche yeah that's not no what's the one that set that sets off uh that like crumbles no i know what you're talking about souffle no i didn't do a souffle we did a chocolate souffle with uh chef donnie at um chef donnie's the man yeah he's the man at barstool yeah uh we did like a collab where he showed us how to make it i've yet to recreate it but yeah like a chocolate souffle is like one of my favorites favorite desserts which is vanilla ice cream if you know how to do that and he showed us how to do it just ramekins you know it's just very easy to do it's just all again timing it's it's just have some fucking wherewithal when you're making something just stay focused i do feel the same comfort around people who are cooking babe this is where we're at now uh i i feel the same comfort with people that cook that people that can fight yeah that that confidence of like you know like when uh timing it's all timing yeah it is yeah but like self-defense guys will like yeah tell you something where they go now right here you're grabbing yeah you're gonna want to pull yeah that's how it feels when i watch you cook and you go right here you got the peppers you're gonna lean into them you're gonna feel a little pressure that's the same feeling i'm like i grab his arm now i'm in control now i can move anywhere i want i actually have to give chris a chokehold don't touch the heat have you had anybody in your life that tries to cook that sucks so bad that you're just like and we're done um do this yeah i mean like friends where you're like i'll show you how to cook something and then halfway in you go the fuck no one's ever really tried to do that really yeah because i'm i don't have any friends that like really cook i derosa derosa derosa is very knowledgeable i don't i've never seen him cook okay but he's very now are you the only one are you are you the highlander yeah the only one yeah i removed the sword my chef's knife from the rock someone introduced you i was the only one to get pulled out someone else introduced you my friend that can cook and tommy goes and just unshoot it i don't think you can what the fuck can you make yeah because i'm i'm useless and i would like to learn and my mom bless her tried yeah she's a fantastic cook yeah and when i was going to college she was like i'm gonna put together like seven recipes that are very fucking easy that you can learn and i got good at like three of them yeah and then just alcoholism this is uh well alcoholism if you can control it it's very good for the kitchen it's great you know i mean you focus yeah a couple bottles of wine yeah that's why the that's why the the best is watching if you ever work at a restaurant yeah watching the line cooks just get blackout drunk oh my god after our shift and they're managing all those opioids oh my god those guys are fucking animals ups downs lefts and rights yeah they're all djs in a bar i want to i really want to just interview chefs yeah because i find them to be so interesting you know what the problem is dan and this is what i'm going to do with my show once we start going on the road a bunch the chefs that are actually catered to in terms of media are high-end chefs right so this is like the the disconnect with the culinary world and the comedy world that's why i wanted to do my show is it's either the bougiest of shit where like you don't feel connected to the chef sure you're it's very interesting to watch yeah but it's like watching cirque du soleil 100 you're a gay frenchman and fucking cloth i can't do a triple indian to a barrel i have a tough time with 20 push-ups yeah this guy's lifting himself off of a finger bingo yeah i don't so i want to i want to step down the chefs that are like applebees they're well that's that's all right you want pillhead chefs that are very fun you want the the mid middle ground i had a show idea that i almost sold to the production company that did yeah it was called night to the night where it was a a travel show where we did comedy met like a tell in fucking seattle and we went through his daily routines saw a couple places you know the touristy type shit throughout the day and then i met the next upcoming chef and we go through his kitchen we take him to the food market pick out his ingredients and then we preparing his set you know going through his list and then it would go to the the prep station in the in the kitchen and then you'd show some stand-up yeah and then you'd show the delivery of the food in there and the actual restaurant and then we'd all meet like nights of the night in a big circle table eat the dish and tell road stories i love that it's great why'd they pass because they're idiots no they tried they tried to buy it and they said well you're probably not going to host this if we die damn it and i said i'll sit on that i fucking know so much i shouldn't that good you can get that if you want no i don't care we don't give a shit honestly sometimes when you say about show ideas that don't work on podcasts it re-ignites it yeah when i had that stone cold law show on peacock yeah and wwe was dragging their feet yeah i went on barstool it was very loud about it yeah next day i flew to charlotte to do shows the comedy zone i get off stage my agents the agent agent you know the big dog yeah the one you've never seen in your life never talked to me never talked once a year you talk to him yeah yeah he calls me and he's like how's everything going yeah he called me and he goes why did i just get screamed at by nick khan from the wwe and i was like oh no thank god it was after the show yeah it was after the thursday night show and he was like did you talk about the stone cold law show on barstool and i was like oh i was real loud about it and then they put it out like barstool's instagram put it out as a clip yeah and he's like okay they're getting mad and then we hung up and then my manager called me it was like that's exactly what you needed to do because now we're talking now they're now engaged in the conversation yeah for sure because here's the problem with the reason that tv shows are all shit right now except a few they're obviously there's always good stuff being made but those networks and corporations have good ideas and then someone tries to prove that they have a job a hundred percent and they fuck it a hundred percent and they go it's always fingerprints it's always just somebody going somebody yeah yeah and then you go that ruins it it's the whole you take you out of that show i don't give a shit about that 100 joel mckale 100 i don't give a fuck about all that 100 that's why you build your own thing that's why i felt bad for josh adam meyers because he did goddamn comedy jam and they pulled him as the host yeah that show works because josh hosts it yeah he knows how to host it yeah but they were like no connie central's like now we'll just do it without you and then it just looked like karaoke yeah and you're like now with josh he explains he tells where it comes he does a song he fucks around they always do that they try to change the recipe of course they do and it fucking breaks talentless fucking hacks that's what it is they get into the business yeah that's the only good thing i'm liking about watching the collapse of the industry is watching those people try to pivot to new stuff now where they go dude it's like i'm a podcast booker now yeah you know you told me no when you're a tnt it's truly priest going to a new parish it really is they just move them around it'll just be that's perfect it'll be some fucking executive at comedy central like they're now with some other media they're they're the vp of this other media company i'm like i know what you did when you were a comedy set i know how many fucking shows you did you know how many shows you i remember when delco proper should have gone to the fucking distance you died your hair but i know it's you dude i got a good story i love this i just i i want to keep talking i want this story we're coming back to this though so i uh i took one cooking class in my life at the viking culinary it was a it was one of those like date night cooking classes sure you make a dish with the chefs yeah in the viking it was off uh the main line in philly and it was like salted fish it's like a fish you bake and salt who gives a shit anyway so so we're cooking we're prepping we're doing the whole thing there's probably four or five other couples i got my eye on this fucking chef right the sous chef yeah he's a light-skinned bald black guy okay i'm like how do i know this fucking guy i know this guy how do i know him the whole time i can't focus my girl's like tom come on we got to make the goat cheese with pink peppercorns and i'm like i fucking know this guy and it's killing me and the whole time i go i fucking got it i know it this guy was a teacher at saint charles borromeo where i went to grade school okay he came in when i was in the eighth grade and blew the fucking roof off he was like a cool black guy and everyone's like yeah okay he's a cool black guy he's a cool black guy and yeah this dude fucking rules yeah i'm not racist i like this teacher that's the thing so he was a priest i came in out of nowhere and then i fucking i walked up to him after the after the class and i was like i know who you are your father something or other you taught me in in eighth grade st charles and he goes no no i i don't know what that i don't know what that is i go yeah i know that's you oh yeah he's cleaning off a knife he goes please please please leave me alone please please there's enough blood on this please please please you're gonna dig and you're not gonna like what you're gonna find oh about a week goes by right so we leave obviously a week or two goes by and this girl i went to grade school in high school with sent me a picture of the philadelphia inquire and it's this dude's face for yeah yeah and the guy it's not for fucking a car washer fucking it wasn't for the salted cod i know it was bad it wasn't that bad that's crazy we got fucking passed around enough where they were like all right now we can't do anything and now and he's a sushi chef yeah and by the way in the restaurant industry goes yeah we'll take you we need the bodies yeah the restaurant is go fine yeah we got we got a hundred cases of onions i don't care how many kids you hate fuck i don't care if little kids get you hard fine yeah sharpen that pairing you're in for it yeah dude that really is true though that's why it's always funny when i see comics that publicly are like fuck this network or fuck that network it's like no not fuck that network you have a problem with a specific person at that network of course that didn't green light thing and they're always like i'm sorry there is anger and hate that i hold but like we're talking talentless rich women yeah that are truly like they're they're held in regard as if they've done anything in their life yeah their parents paid the rent so they could be twenty thousand dollar income dude and eventually their vp of fucking let me tell you about development when i have fuck are you have you ever made a sketch have you ever done anything in your life i remember going to a meeting uh this is when mtv was turning into pure shit it was like still shit but it wasn't when mtv was doing like they just went full like 16 and pregnant all that shit they were just like we don't give a fuck about music anymore we're not doing any of our cool programming i they were like we have a meeting with mtv and i told my agents i was like there's nothing they don't want me i'm an alcoholic at the time i was like just drinking every day i was like they don't they there's nothing and they don't want me i'm an alcoholic at the time i was like just drinking every day i don't think there's anything i want to do with them yeah they're like no there's this new girl new girl who works there who saw you at the cellar and she thinks you're so funny and she wants to meet with you and i go in her office and it's uh her she was really nice and then her assistant who's like fresh out of college yeah 23 who's whose dad probably runs black rock 100 who probably flips fucking yeah section 8 housing for profit and yeah that meeting to me was like oh this shit's so broken yeah because i sat down and they're like what do you want to do yeah and i went well you guys should start playing music again i was like this like reality shit sucks you guys should start doing music and i was like bring pop-up video back yeah i was like you guys own vh1 you own the ip let me host pop-up video yeah i would host i would host the fuck out of that that would be so sick and dude that was the funniest part of any meeting i've ever taken with a network because i was like i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be the older lady went i love the pop-up video yeah the woman i had like it turned out the meeting was with like an older woman she was around my age and she was like grew up watching pop-up video it was the best you learned this about all this you learned extra stuff about the artists yeah and so we're like vibing on it and i was like straight up you own the ip yeah reboot that shit i'll host it we'll make it a little darker make it funnier yeah we'll bring in writers we'll have like a good time and she's like i could see it in her face this is like and then her assistant who's straight out of college goes i don't know if we could call it pop-up video and i was like i just did the hand yeah we'll call it pop-up video and then she goes we should call it like super fun stuff you don't know about videos like something like that and i was like yo this is fucked dude and then i just started watching it spin out and i was like to the lady i was like it was nice meeting you i don't think there's anything here for us all but then you watch just mtv go down the drains and you're like well of course we're playing ridiculousness all day they don't make anything these executives at these creative places it's like a when you have a conference call for like a real job yeah right and there's always some fucking debbie at the end who just wants to put a fingerprint going like i'm i'm listening i'm working yeah and she'll just drone on for five minutes about fucking nothing yeah they have to put their fingerprint on say i did that so they don't during the process of delco proper it got morphed if you look at our pilot at the funeral it's unbelievable it's perfect it's it's our dark tone it's it's the image and the comedy that we want it fat butterly with blonde hair and hair hilarious dude one of their notes of butter like we don't think he would call her a bitch this fucking young bitch you don't think that animal would call a woman a bitch have you seen do you watch the episode yeah who we're creating you don't think he would call a woman a bitch when you watch that pilot it's just the leo meme the whole time yeah yeah right everybody go oh my god yeah oh fuck there he is oh my god right he's a creep yeah fucking change the ump yeah it's a little league dude and it's like crazy when you watch it which crazy to me is you know i know where we made our faults we got because at the same time this is like one of those things where you find out where you go that would have been so cool they were developing delco proper and uh michelle wolf and i show yeah about working at the use carlock with nick depala yeah and fucking it was great tony amatuk we had like an unbelievable cast yeah and that script was dark and funny and watching them come in and fucking ruin it they made us dude they took a 24 minute pilot and they were like here's what we're gonna do snapchat is huge yeah so we're gonna film three different episodes so we had to take a pilot take it into three different things yeah and then what we filmed they went snapchat's only five minutes so cut your 11 minute things down to five minutes they edited it took all the good stuff out it was i won't even post it you can't michelle and i were so fucking angry at that whole situation yeah that like i remember being this is when i was on the bonfire i remember being in one of the fucking conference rooms on the 37th floor of sirius she's an empty conference room screaming at someone being like what the fuck are you doing to the show yeah because you guys got to make the pilot at least film it they they buckled us at the script process they were like i don't know we do nick depalo as a fucking car hilarious as a used car hilarious letting them be angry and shane and i would watch his podcast like late night yeah just watching him rant i mean i love that we set it we set up nick depalo losing his fucking mind and also maybe the funniest thing maybe this country wouldn't be so divided if you would have a show that had michelle wolf and nick depalo 100 because one of the it's real one of the greatest scenes we had was we went nick go off on michelle and he's like you're fucking stupid red hair and he like went off on her and then she fired back and i was like this is awesome this is awesome we had a good director we had every dude just what but it was it was fingerprints it was people getting in and fucking with it yeah and by the end it sucks when you make something and you're with it the whole time and by the end you go look what they've done to my boy dude me and mckeever worked like for 10 years doing sketches and stuff like that but like if you look at that first pilot of like the even before the web series sure funeral episode that's the one where i'm like that's the lens of what we wanted to capture and then it goes to the web series fingerprint then it goes to the pilot for television double fingerprint and then it's like well this is not who we are yeah you know and that's the beauty of what they're doing with tires with netflix is like the full creative control it's all about numbers no one gives a fuck anymore you can eliminate all these fucking these these you know nonsensical fucking morons and what you do is you have shane and mckeever going in there going leave me the fuck alone a hundred percent and netflix goes for sure yeah which by the way is that's on the back of shane going i'm the fucking best in the world because i'm the heavyweight you can suck my dick yeah i'll let you know when i'll call you back you know what's funny is because when you remember shane was a young puff when delco proper is going yeah and it's almost like he grew up to be like i watched what you guys did to my voice you're not fucking doing that suck my dick yeah make the show i want to make and that's what you need yeah that's what you need is you need a big dog that someone's gonna come in a big dog yeah and go fuck you i'm not making that mckeever's doing the same thing like creative wise where he's like he's not i know for a fact he's not making the same mistakes and let people step on some product he's like this is dude this is how i'm doing it you could suck my bird too you know i came out hot after stone cold law got killed we had a show we sold it with stone cold steve austin i'm not talking about this was like we were like and maybe we can get him yeah he was on the zoom calls he was fucking popping up going hey what's going on boys and you're like hey steve swear to god it's just popping up being like what's going on you guys and me and saint germain you're like i'm like i'm playing ghost of tsushima samurai game feeling like but we i was so hot after that cartoon got killed because here's what pissed me off we wrote saint germain's such a fucking great writer and we were so funny dude we wrote i was supposed to do a podcast with bobby kelly last night yeah and i'm doing taking this antibiotic for the i think i passed out i missed the fucking podcast uh bobby bobby hasn't responded to me yet he's a hero dan said are you okay is there anything i can help with bobby bobby sent me to the moon i'm gonna find out if he's really upset he is but i'm gonna tell you right now he is yeah fuck dude sight unseen bobby i'm sorry sight unseen make this the only clip bobby i'm sorry i missed you i'm gonna tell you right now i was a sick boy hold on real quick tommy yeah sight unseen he's very mad uh but he just saved a life so he's okay he's a hero he's running off the fumes of being a hero yeah so you you made your mistake at the right time is what i want to say it's all about timing but what's funny is when i came off that stone cold we wrote the script we gave it to him and then peacock's coming back to us going we're passing it around the office everyone thinks this is hilarious if we can get stephen seagal to be the bad guy in this this would be fucking great stone cold for stephen seagal and then they pass on it and you go then what was all the dick tickling you were doing dude so then when i came in with the cartoon we're doing now at fox i came in on like every meeting and i was like here's the deal fuck you yeah i got a youtube subscription i got a youtube subscription and i got a youtube subscription and i got a youtube subscription i'm on the road i'll take because of shane shane did this with gillian keeves yeah when he did his first theater tour he took the marketing money and turned around and made season two of gillian keeves so when i saw that i was like that's a brilliant idea when i signed up to do a theater tour i turned around and i told all these networks i was like i'll make it myself yeah there's young animators and i can get people to do the voice now you can do everything on your own that's what i mean they said this shit 10 years ago but like now it's true it's so true that you don't need but what i like about foxes and shout out cheryl at fox she was like fuck yeah yeah she goes i like i like i like this attitude she's like well there's there's certain networks that are starting to function the way uh like a youtube yeah designer would yeah they have they're like they're going to fuck everything because they've seen it too yeah and if you get in the i do voiceover for uh universal basic guys on fox and it's like those guys are like they don't abide by the rules either it's just like shout out those guys because of their show they would like our premise of our show they're like that might pair well together yeah you're like please yeah it's season three right fucking please i know we're because they're they're the same production and everything that our show is nice so we're watching them and we're going like guys can you give us a green light please yeah we can make a fucking great show let's go and we got we got roles for everybody baby yeah just fucking let us in the door yeah um but i'll do something for you dude fuck yeah you will i'll do something for you kidding me i can do lots of stuff dude i'm telling you lots of voice you're gonna be absolutely one of the eight bullies just don't make me a fucking wop i'm tired of being a guy you're not gonna be you're not gonna be a little kid i know no you get to be a little kid i'm not gonna make you a little ginzo yeah i'm gonna make you a little bugger yeah i'm gonna just regular can i just be regular but shout out another thing that's great about talking like this can i just be regular can i be why is everybody telling me i'm a fucking italian why can't i just be a regular guy is everybody gonna put me over noodles i don't want to go over noodles no more i'm naked with a robot why do people keep cornering me holding a newspaper like the end of a fucking good fella 13 you fucking do you make your grown man what's your fucking self before we leave i need to know what happened with the bleach oh yeah right now just what happened tell me the story dude it was final destination type shit i told you it was i bought i bought my my girl has a thing with her eyes your girlfriend's unbelievable she's the best she she's the best she was at the look at dish yeah yeah that with that look at dish we were just like oh we don't even want to leave i know dude so you guys are going to film another one we're like can we just fucking all hang out hang out yeah it was the best yeah so she has fucked up shit with her eyes and she's like i don't want to leave i don't want to leave i don't want to leave her eyes she no she's like deathly afraid of anything with eye related i get that she gets nuts she can't do contacts dan i have to fucking roll the windows up to to use the windshield wiper fluid right yeah she'll go nuts if the windows are down she barked in texas she barks at the wind she's afraid a piece of like a little dog she's afraid a piece of the water that has a chemical in it will fly into her eye and she'll go fucking blind she's nuts about shit like that so she goes you clean the shower and she says it all the time i don't get bleach in your eye i'm like shut the fuck up how would i get bleach in my eye she says crazy shit i think she put it in the universe she wished this on me at some point anyway i get i order three tylex with bleach it's the only thing that gets mold off it really is tylex with bleach they know what they're doing they know what they're doing it's one of those things like i think 409 is defunct dude it's romp appeal set it and forget it you don't even have to scrub dude squirt and let it sit yeah and you're good our everything's impeccable in our bathroom can i tell you the last time i cleaned my bathroom i did that and forgot i did it and jumped in the shower oh shit yeah as i turned it on i was like oh my god i'm just naked surrounded by bleach welcome to cocaine brother anyway i pull out one of the bottles brand new out of the box sure i spin the top from off the on you know i start spraying like this by the shower head wall one i'm on wall one yeah i'm not even in the width part yet yeah and the the bottom drops out of the handle the mechanism hits a towel rack and does a 360 at my face when i say it was a like a violent splash direct to the fucking eyeball come down like that dude it and i like directly in my fucking eyeball i immediately could you feel it immediately oh dude and i go to the sink start splashing i'm washing it out i even got in the shower for 15 minutes my girl calls my sister-in-law who's a doctor and i'm like i'm screaming i'm going i'm not going to the fucking er i'm not going we had plans yeah we plans that night it's so funny and i'm not going to fucking er it's gonna cost you break plans i can't your eyes i'm just wearing an eyepatch can tommy see the future now we got sushi tonight i'm not going to do a little roll sit around and watch rich people eat fucking sushi and finally she texted like her friend who's also a doctor uh and like three doctors said go to the u you gotta and then i sat in the fucking er for like five six hours cancel my sets i had mothership set how long did it wait for them to see you not it was pretty quick okay i i guess they they you know they i guess they just look around going who needs the most immediate attention they always do that um they asked me how long ago it was i only told them like 25 30 minutes because it was right around the corner of this this hospital so they let me sit there for like a half hour maybe before i got this thing called the morgan's lens which i saw that they open your eye yeah i'll say i'll send you the photos yeah you can post it up yeah but essentially it's a it's a giant plastic imagine a contact but larger where it sits underneath each ah fuck that dude i can't fuck with i shoot dude i'm like your girlfriend and then they put this ivy thing drip the drip and they just for an hour hour and 15 minutes i sat there while this this bag depleted and you don't i'll tell you what when you close your eyes you don't realize what straight is right so you got to stay straight on this lens or else it starts cutting into your cornea right so every time you go left and right and dude let me i'm you kidnap me everybody's going to jail the fucking secrets i would tell if they kept me in there for 15 more minutes i'm ripping that fucking thing out yeah i was like losing my mind it started getting like real crazy how did it feel did you get the relief of when they took it out there's no relief at all because that's like a catheter there's ear yeah a hundred percent it's like i haven't i imagine the worst because they after i got my shoulder operated on they're like you you we got to give you a catheter yeah so i had to piss and i couldn't because of the medications and when they put it in you go oh i'll feel the relief but you don't feel the relief no and then when they pull it out it hurts even and then you're like just sitting there for two days the irritation's nuts why am i in these fucking glasses you think i want to look like this i thought you were going into new york though huh yeah i bet you're not getting bothered in midtown i just sold three cartoons go to 47th street i bet they ain't bugging you i got a deal for you on a diamond oh hey look at this boy fuck no it's all right it's like anyway season yeah so it was just uh you know yeah three days of hell and now i got this ointment so you have to put it in did you experience any i like no i feel good the problem is it's like i forget the alkaline the with bleach you can't tell if it's corroding your your actual cornea retina so it's very you know yeah that's it's dangerous fuck yeah because you're not feeling the immediate pain the way you think you would yeah and it's slowly that's the scariest shit slowly corrode you go i feel fine and then you're over it and then you're over it and then you're over it and then you're over it and then you're over it and then you're over it and then you're over it and then you're just one eye willy yeah you start losing your sight i'm supposed to go to an optometrist before i put contacts and we shoot tires on monday i'm like i can't fucking i gotta i gotta see a doctor so i can wear contacts yeah yeah because could you film tires without contacts yeah i'm not my my sight's not bad it's just yeah and you're not like reading cue cards or nothing no you're just being a fucking being a wop being a wop you and schultz being waps i uh dude that's i mean way way way less dangerous but getting stuff in your eye yeah is a feeling that you go it's immediately helplessness yeah it's immediately like your hands go up and you're like dude you take things for granted man dude when i um when i worked at uh dos caminos we had a salsa trio that you'd have to put out on everyone's place it's pretty sick but there was a habanero salsa that was like filled with habanero peppers you're getting your eye yo dude so you take ladles and there's a trio that You have to like bring to the table with the chips, So you ladle it out or whatever. One time I dunked the ladle in and it just goes bloop right into my eye. And I was like, ah, just like on the line being like, ah, it's in my eye. It's pepper spray. Well, yeah, the sous chef, and I don't know if this was just like it worked because I thought it was going to work, gave me a glass of milk. And then it was small enough where I put it over my eye and just had to open my eye and milk and like do that. And he's like, do it. It's a base. It'll fucking neutralize it or whatever. And I was like, I don't know if that worked or what. Like people might know what that is and like that. It's supposed to. But it helped. It was like, but it's so funny me back on the floor with just a one red eye and be like, do you want to try our guacamole? I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? But I still remember seeing the ladle go in and go right in. And I was like, how do those porn stars come to the face? Yeah, it's fun. Because they go. Yeah. They're hungry. They skip lunch. You're not yourself when you're hungry. Yeah, they got to bring in porn stars to show you how to deal with bleach. They go, this right here is Julianne. She's going to show you. Take it right to the eye. I love you. I think you're one of my favorite human beings on the planet. Thank you, bro. Every time I see you, I get ramped up. Safe. Stuff Island. Look at Dish. Watch his stand up. He's fucking hilarious. Yes, sir. Tires, season three. Yeah. Yep. You got the whops in that. Everything Tommy Pope. Ingest it and love it. Love you, buddy. Sorry about your phone. Go Niners. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't end like that. I know, but I got to say it. Yeah. Because I'm a fan. No, you're right. You're right. I got to say go Niners. In two, one, go birds. Oh, God. I love you. Thank you.