Check Yourself: You are NOT Perfect

I'd like you to think back. Think back to the last time you were in a debate with someone or having a debate with anyone, literally, a family member, a colleague at work, and halfway through the debate, or maybe even earlier on, sometimes possibly afterwards. You realized that you were wrong, that the information that you shared was incorrect or you had bought a case based on unfetual information and you were wrong, but sometimes you realize it in the midst of the debate and you feel like it's too late and you would be backing down if you admitted that you were wrong. Now here's the thing. Most of us get into the situation because our focus is on being right and who is right, so much so that we don't want the other person to be right, but we want to be right. Rather than shifting our focus to what is right in that moment, rather than who is right. So today's episode on learner is about you and I consistently learning to check ourselves and being aware that as individuals, as human beings who are always learning, changing and growing, we are susceptible to error. So one of the best things you can do for yourselves is understand that we can be wrong. Human beings are not supposed to always be right. Heck, we're probably not even supposed to be right ever. It's more about what is right than who is right in that moment. And when we can adopt a level of humility and awareness and be able to check ourselves as we say, then we can be the kinds of unlearners that really support the growth and expansion of ourselves, of our groups of family, friends and those we care about, but also our workplaces. Let's have this conversation and let me, if you haven't, check you. Welcome to this episode of the Unlearners Podcast. Okay, so today I am checking you and for those of you who don't probably know what I'm doing. I'm going, okay, so nearly you keep using that term, what does it mean? It basically means I'm bringing you back down to earth. I'm bringing us all back down to earth, including myself because we need those moments. I think when you build up a reputation or you build up in an often don't like to use this word, but you build up a level of expertise or mastery in a certain area, then you start to to believe that you are not prone to error as a human being. One of my favourite sayings or one of my favourite phrases has always been to earth is human, but to forgive is divine. And by earth, they obviously they're talking about error, to make an error, to make a mistake is human. It's what we do. It's literally who we are and how we learn. But then to go a step further is us tapping into the parts of our souls that do exist, but often are deeper under the surface. And when we understand this, then we come to the realization that it's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be wrong at any given time. Hence where at the beginning we spoke about those debates where you're having a debate with someone and it becomes a showdown literally because you're going, no, no, no, I'm right and you are wrong and I'm going to show you because I know more. And we say all of these things to ourselves rather than focusing in on what is the right thing in the situation? Does the correct information come with you? What does it come with me? How do I detach my personality from the context so that we are driving the message? We are driving the the objective rather than driving, oh my goodness, I need to look a certain way or I need to be perceived a certain way or I need to feel some type of way in the situation. So that is something that I've always found is so exciting to look into, especially if you're someone who's thrilled by human behavior and studying how human beings really interpret the world around them and perceive all sorts of different interactions with people. It's always so interesting to watch how we respond to this idea of being wrong. Now here's where I'd like to start and then I will, so I'll start here with just giving a little bit of a background around the topic and then I want to go into three practical things that we can apply as we check ourselves. So whenever you find yourself in a position where you need to just put on a little bit of humility or you would love to help someone else do the exact same thing or you feel like someone needs to be checked, someone needs to be brought back down to earth or you feel like, oh my goodness, I am needing to just come back down to earth right now because I honestly feel like I am the queen of all things and now there's nothing wrong with that. If you're having one of those days and you just feel like the absolute queen, that's fine, but in this sense that we're talking about today, it's the idea of always being aware that you are prone to mistakes. It's part of your, your engineering as a human being. Mistakes are also how we learn and how we grow because we expand our perspectives and our insights around what's possible, what works, what doesn't, under what context and situations things work as well. So here's where I want to start and then I'll share those three practical things and then that will be it for today's episode. We'll try to keep it nice and punchy and make sure that you walk away with some exciting stuff and you can share this episode with people who might be due for a bit of a checkup and unlearning checkup. Which we all are sometimes aren't we? So here's where I want it to start. One of the things that we have been helping some of our clients with at this time of the recording of this podcast episode is around the idea of imposter syndrome. Now we don't position ourselves at all as imposter syndrome experts. Like individuals who have studied deeply imposter syndrome and read all the books on it and study it day in and day out. But what we are is individuals who study change, study transformation, study learning and how human beings develop and shift and transform. And when it comes to the idea around imposter syndrome that's how we approach it. We approach it from the angle of yes you can't unlearn imposter syndrome per se but you can start to rewire so that imposter syndrome doesn't dictate how you show up in the world, doesn't dictate whether you show up or not. And that's the the angle that we approach it from. And we have really exciting workshops and keynotes that we deliver in conversations and coaching sessions with our clients around this very idea. So that you have the tools to really help you relearn your self confidence, to relearn your ability to show up courageously in your work or whatever area you're wishing to really rethink your imposter syndrome in. Now within our imposter syndrome work we've got a three step framework that we work around. And step three of that framework, I'll never forget we sat in a workshop with an energy organization. So one of the biggest there are global organization and they were working with their South African and South African team. And we did the imposter syndrome session with a group of ladies that were part of their leadership team. So this was woman focused. And we had a conversation around the imposter syndrome step one, step two towards relearning after imposter syndrome and then step three really took everyone by surprise because step three was check yourself. Yes, sometimes there are opportunities or there are circumstances where during an imposter syndrome episode or in the entire experience of imposter syndrome, it is it is unwarranted. You there is absolutely no grounds. It is just you working through your demons that you can you know you definitely work on rewiring around. But there is room there for learning. And this is one of the things that I often emphasize. It becomes very easy for us to say, oh goodness, I'm I'm and we often use the word suffering. I'm suffering with imposter syndrome and it's so tough and I don't deserve it because I'm so amazing at my job and I'm killing it and I'm amazing and I'm hitting all my targets and everyone's to sow jealous of me and all sorts of things. So we go off on this rant about how it's unwarranted. And then we forget what I like to call check yourself step number three. And one of the ways we term it is take accountability because step number three says where is the learning in the experience for you? So if you take a particular experience that triggered your imposter syndrome and I often use one example of mine where I actually physically fell sick during an episode of imposter syndrome and it was one of the first times that it happened to me and I didn't understand what it was. But because I had taken on an opportunity that I fell I wasn't ready for. And so I shared this experience and then we talk about how, yes, once you've done step one and step two, step number three is check yourself. Where are the possible learnings here? If you haven't looked at how you were triggered in that situation, is there something for you to learn? Is there an opportunity for you to take accountability around something you could have done? Something you could have done to have improved the situation. Is there possibly a question that was asked that caught you of God? And because you hadn't done your research, it made you feel like you were inadequate. Is there possibly preparation you could have put in that maybe you you fumbled somewhere down the line and then you felt like oh my goodness, I was absolutely horrible. So taking accountability is just as important as knowing that you are worthy and valuable in the experience. So never ever ever forget that and I think that it's good to balance this and bring yourself back down to earth and take accountability for where you can improve, for where you can grow and you can expand in the experience. So that the next time there is potential there is a potential trigger looming in a similar experience, you are an improved version of yourself. You were a better version of yourself to show up in that situation. So I think that's that's really important to keep in mind. Now I'd love to share with you three key ways that you can rethink that you can start to check yourself when you are in a situation where you feel like okay, you know, I think it's I need to sharpen up my levels of humility in this situation. Is this something I'm not seeing? Is there an opportunity for me here to to ground myself a little bit better and I'm not saying this is an opportunity for you to be little yourself and I want you to hear me very very clearly here. I'm not saying be little yourself, play small, don't go for your goals and your dreams. That's not at all what I'm saying. I'm saying that at any given time be aware that it's not about who is right, it's about what is right and because it's not about you being right, it's more about you being aware that sometimes you can be wrong and that's okay, but unless you create room in yourself to be wrong, then you will never be the kind of person who can collaborate with others who can co-create, who can change, who can grow. So checking yourself is extremely important in the unlearning process because it means being the kind of person who is receptive to being wrong, who is receptive to learning, receptive to feedback and those types of stimuli that really support us in getting better within our work. Now here are the three things that I'd like to share with you and then we'll close off. Get your note pad or wherever it is that you're taking notes because I think that these will really help you when you get an episode really quickly to check yourself, you can just run one of these things in your head and they will help you come back to yourself and be able to apply the humility that the particular situation or moment needs from you at the time. So you'll be able to do that as is needed. Okay, so ready, ready with your pen, ready with your pencil? Alright, so the first one, the first strategy that I'd like to share with you is practice pushing, excuse me, practice pausing before you respond. So this one is one of my favourites and if you're interested at all, Mel Robbins has a concept that she calls the five second rule and it's all around this idea that many of us are quick to react rather than respond. So when someone asks a question or someone says something, we allow the highly or the super emotionally charged version of ourselves to respond to that or to react to the situation rather than giving ourselves that quick five second or it might even be a little bit longer than that to just digest what is happening in the moment and shift where you respond from and then respond because often when we are in what feels like a debate or a situation where there are a lot of emotions running high in the moment, we can respond from a place of being extremely excited, we can respond from a place of being extremely upset, extremely stressed, really nervous and although it's great to express your emotions and and feel your feelings, oftentimes what happens when we respond from an emotionally charged place is that we are not productive but we are merely reacting to the situation and we haven't given the parts of our brains that can better regulate how we how we receive but also how we think about what we are doing to respond and you want to give yourself those that pause that five seconds or that 10 seconds as soon as someone has spoken, stop, stop take a breath sometimes. I'd like you to just take notice of this when you watch an interview or you are listening to an interview, look at the conversation that's happening and then take notes of how the responder who is being interviewed is responding to the questions. Are they reacting or are they responding? Now it's it's not necessarily something you can pick up just by listening to someone and that's not what I'm saying but I'd like you to just think about how they engage. Do they rush into as soon as the interviewer has closed their mouths, the interviewer is coming in because they've been thinking they were thinking about the response as soon as it as it was asked. They were thinking about the question as soon as it was asked and they already have a response they're jumping in or do they take a second to steady themselves, shift the shift the centrality or the central point of responding to that question. So they're not responding from a place of wanting to be right or responding from a place of wanting to appear like they know what they're saying or wanting to to appear a certain way but they are responding from a place where that response will really support those who hear it. So that's the first part. Think about how you can respond rather than react and these are just obviously semantics, the use of words here but it really helps you to understand the difference between someone who's just going and just giving a quick response compared to someone who has taken the time to really process what is being asked, to process what could possibly be the best response for the context that will yield results that will serve you. So for example, if you're in a debate, when you are thinking about how to respond to a question during that five seconds, you can ask yourself where is this response coming from? Is it coming from me wanting to be right, me being really angry, me wanting to stick it to this person or is it coming from okay? Now what is the right thing for this situation? What is going to happen if I respond the way I want to five years down the line, two months down the line, one week down the line and then you choose a different response or you choose to respond differently because you haven't rushed yourself to respond from a place of being emotionally charged. That's the first one. So practice pausing before you respond, respond rather than react. That's probably one of my favorites, definitely. That's something I have to teach myself still. I'm still relearning that because I grew up in a culture of people that are, you know, that want to just always, you know, be on your feet. Quick, quick, quick, quick, you have to be quick with a response so that you sound smart so that you know, you sound like you know what you're talking about, all those types of things. So this is a big area for me and if this is one that you're working on, let me know on Instagram because you and I, we are in the same boat. So we are together on this one. So that's the first one. And then the second thing that I think will be really helpful for you is ask how might I have contributed or supported or even how could I have avoided this? This one is really interesting because it gives us an opportunity to very much like where we started to take accountability for what might be happening in this situation. So as you check yourself or as you bring yourself back down to earth, maybe it's worth asking, what is it here that I might be responsible for? What is it here that I might have supported? Because yes, and this might trigger you a little bit, so just be a little bit wary of this. In the situation or in what is happening or going on at the moment. Yes, the other person might have done something that is completely, completely hurtful and I feel it's wrong and it should not have been done. It's a complete injustice. So once you've assessed that or you've said all of that in your head, the next thing that you really want to do and this is what this second piece of insights is or this advice is, is, What might you have done? How might you have contributed to that? How might you have supported that behavior? So for example, what's something like an imposter syndrome, episode like we spoke about earlier on, is there something that you might have been able to do? Like if I think back to the one I used as an example, or I used as one of my examples during the sessions that we do on imposter syndrome, when I do have the session, I'm feeling absolutely sick. I ask myself at which moment, if I think back to a moment during that delivery, where I felt like, oh my goodness, I am under-equipped for this. What am I doing? I might as well go back to my teaching job. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't deserve to be here. I don't know what I'm doing. At which moment did I feel that the most? And oftentimes, if I am being very honest with myself, I can pinpoint a moment. When I felt that, I can pinpoint a statement. I can pinpoint a look. I can pinpoint something where that feeling was most heightened or that experience was heightened. And if I zoom into that moment or into that particular experience, then I can understand where my learning needs to be, or how I might grow through that situation. And that's what this part is about, is how might I grow? Where is the area of development in this experience? What is this experience giving me? Because each and every experience, each and every person, the way I view life, is that each and every experience, each and every person, comes with a beautiful gift of a lesson. And we miss the growth or the opportunity for growth when we don't ask ourselves, what is the lesson here for me? What am I being called or asked to learn right now? Where is my area of development in this moment? So that when a similar moment rolls around again, you approach it from an area of growth. You don't approach it as the exact same person that you were yesterday, getting triggered, saying the exact same things that you said, thinking, disempowering thoughts that harm you and stress you out, and make you sick, frankly. And then hurting the feelings and hurting others in the process. Just definitely not something I think any of us are trying to do. But when we don't allow the situation to grow us, then we perpetuate that exact same cycle that started off right at the beginning. So the second part is really allowing the moment to grow you by asking, where is the lesson here? How could I have avoided this? Not to say that you could have, because like Maya Angelou says, when we know better, we do better. It just means that in the moment, that's the version of yourself that you were, and that's okay. So just asking yourself, how might I have contributed or supported this behavior, supported this situation to show up the way it did? Did I possibly not sign up soon enough? Now that I feel, oh my goodness, the we've closed up or I didn't get enough time to prepare for this, it's so unfair. Could you have signed up earlier on? Could you have managed the expectations of those involved better? Could you have prepared a little bit better? Could you have calmed yourself down? Could you have possibly had breakfast? Find the different places that are calling you to evolve. Take accountability, employ an internal locus of control rather than an external locus of control, because at the end of the day, nobody outside of you is controlling you. We often like to say the words, and I hear this all the time, she made me do it. Oh, you triggered me and so I felt like I needed to do this. Or I did that because you said. And the truth is, if we're being honest with ourselves and we've come to a level of awareness where we can honestly understand this, nobody makes us do anything. We choose. We choose to take on the views and the perspectives of others and weigh them and hold them as our own. And then we say the person made us do it. It's only because you were open to that and you adopted it. You took their perspective and you made it your own. In that moment, you had a choice going right back to where we started, the importance then of pausing and choosing differently rather than just reacting. So the second tip was asking yourself how you might have contributed or supported that situation, that context, that experience. And then learning from it, allow it to be your teacher, allow the experience to grow you. Don't let the experience leave you without growth, without taking the lesson from it that it brings. Okay, that one took a bit long. I think I got a bit excited on that one. (laughs) Okay, so let's jump then to the very last one. So the last one is empathy towards others. I love this. So we have practiced pausing, which is all about responding rather than reacting. We asked for, to see the lesson in the experiences and understand where we've contributed. And then the very last one is empathy, being more empathetic towards others. Because the more empathetic we are towards others, we also tend to learn that empathy or fall that cup for ourselves as well. So yes, many will say it starts with yourself and you can't be empathetic towards others if you're not towards yourself. But I believe that it can start with being empathetic towards others that we learn the principles of empathy so that we can apply it to ourselves. So it can work either way. I do believe that it can work either way. So the last tip is be empathetic towards others as much as you can. When people are in a situation where they are perceivably wrong at that time, be the bigger person in the sense that you extend that person the grace. You extend that person understanding. And like we said in one of our season one episode that's titled Holding Space for Others, you hold the space for that person's evolution for that person's expansion and their growth. Because they cannot grow and change successfully in a way where they shower themselves with that love that they need to grow safely and that psychological safety. If there is no one holding space for them and saying it's okay, you might have gotten this wrong but it doesn't actually matter because it's about what is right rather than who is right. It's okay to get things wrong. You are safe here. This is a safe environment. Do you feel like you want to talk about this? Is there some kind of support that we can provide? And being empathetic towards other people is a beautiful way to teach yourself but also to teach others that it's okay to get things wrong and it's a kind and generous way to check people when they need to be checked, when they need to come back down to earth. Be the kind of person that teaches them that it's okay to be checked. It's okay to be in a situation where you have to come back down to earth and maybe put your humility back on if you've taken it off for a few seconds. By saying to them whatever it is you feel you need to say or do in the moment. Sometimes it's not even about words. It's just about being around them or giving them that friendly eye or that friendly smile in the moment where they feel, oh my goodness, I got that wrong. I look like I don't know what I'm doing or oh my goodness, I'm the senior executive. I should have known this or I should have known that. Be the person who can be empathetic towards them so that they understand that making mistakes is okay. It is human to make mistakes. If you didn't make mistakes then we would need to put you under a microscope. Have you checked out because we need to know what's going on with you? That is not normal. Anyway jokes aside, empathy is literally where we close this off. So we started off with practicing pausing. Secondly, allowing the lesson, allowing yourself to learn the lesson and then lastly just being empathetic towards others. If someone gets something wrong where you notice that they're not taking it well, they're not taking their mistake well. Be the kind of person who can hold space for them. Our world at the moment is in a place where we are starting to see that mistakes and getting things wrong is okay. But many of us still don't live there. And so our role as unlearners is to hold space for people that are still learning that mistakes are okay, that regardless of what your position is in society, in the community, in the organization, you're allowed to seek help. You're allowed to be the one that gets things wrong because it's not about that. It's about us moving forward based on the correct insights and situations and ways of living, regardless of where they come from at the time. So our job really is to be empathetic with people. I think I might have shared this with you before, but our big mission as an organization at the unlearners is to create a world where it's okay to make mistakes, where it's okay to get things wrong. And yes, it's hugely ambitious, but I do think that when individuals, when professionals, when all of us can come to a place where it doesn't hurt us and we don't feel like we're dying when we get things wrong. Then we've really made profound progress because we have grown and we have come to a place where we accept the evolution that comes with change, the evolution that comes with transforming in that process of knowing that, "Oh, I made a mistake. What did I learn from it? How did I develop through this mistake and through this experience?" Okay, I learned it. This episode went on for a lot longer than I expected. So if you're still listening, thank you so much for your time. I hope that these insights have been helpful. Take whichever of them resonates with you. Everything else that doesn't resonate at this time. Put it in your pocket for later, two years time, three years time, two months time. Whenever it becomes relevant, you can then just come back to it and use it and practice it. Make it your own and fit it into your context. There is never any pressure here for you to apply anything. Sometimes it's just about listening and allowing something to stimulate the way that you think, stimulate you towards a certain idea or a way of evolving as an individual yourself. Okay, I send you lots and lots of hugs and I want to close off today's episode with a shout out to one of our clients. So this is dedicated to Sure Travel. Sure Travel is one of South Africa's best-loved travel agencies and this specifically goes out to Odette Jackson from Sure Travel. She says, "Need I say more, Zanele, you were a hit. We loved every minute of it." Truly a thought provoking session. And this was after I facilitated our unlearn and relearn session with the team at Sure Travel because they're going through change and transformation like many of us are at any given time. So huge, huge love to the team at Sure Travel. It has a fantastic, absolutely fantastic to work with. All right, Anluna, if you want to work with us as well, please do reach out via our website, theunlearners.com or go over to social media and connect with us. There we are always super happy and excited to connect and work with you. It's been myself, Zanele and Japa, the Unlearning Lady signing out on the episode where I checked you, brought you down to earth and then encouraged you to do the same for yourself and for everyone else. All right, bye for now. I'll see you on the next episode of The Unlearners podcast. The Unlearners. Learn, learn. na na na na. www.чтоworks!com