114. Che Durena, Derek Gaines, Craig Gass | Bums

Before we start today's show, you should know that me and Big Jair are always on the road touring. You can catch me on the Rattling me this tour. This weekend, I'm in Long Island at the Brook Ridge in Belmore. October 22nd through 24th, I'll be in North Charleston, South Carolina at Witt's End Comedy Lounge. After that, story wars is heading out to Los Angeles to the Comedy Store for November 4th and 5th shows. And then I got Pekipsi and Tampa coming up right after that. Go to my website, Lewisofskanks.com to grab all of those tickets. You can catch me this weekend and Seattle Emerald City Comedy Club first time there. After that, I'm going to be at Denver Comedy Works Rochester, New York Comedy at the Carlson, the Comedy Mother Ship, Brea, California, and so much more. Ending with the New Brunswick Stress Factory for Thanksgiving, get tickets for that right now, and all those shows and so much more bigjcomedy.com. Alright, let's start the show. You're listening to the gas digital network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars. Make some noise for the story warriors, Big J. Olkerson, and Lewis, J.C.O. What the fuck is up story warriors? Make some noise for me, New York City, please. So fun. We got another sold out show here, I assume, right? Another sold out show, 67th week in a row in the massive cavernous, ungodly large New York Comedy Club Midtown. Let's just light the back of the room real quick, could we? Hey guys, feel the nosebleeds up there. Yeah, they're all getting hand jobs, because nobody can see the dark up there. So far back, back, back, back. How many people here are familiar with the game's story wars? And who is not familiar with the game's story wars? Really, really, you asshole, wow. How dare you come to our show without knowing what you're, he loves it though, so you brought her. All right, sir, I'm gonna give her a pass today, but bitch, you fucking crossed me again. Woo, Jay, you do have a terrible host energy. Who I do? Why am I just fighting a fly? He's a fly, son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. God damn it. Throw flies here. We don't want to do this such a large cavernous, isn't he? Yeah. I think there's a dead body somewhere in here. It's probably fucking all family of crows somewhere. If you're not familiar with the game, which is your first endless thing at home, we'll explain it once we get our steam panel of guests up here. Are you guys ready for our guests? Our first guests were the record of "O" and "Two" here on story wars. You know from the "Two Goons" podcast, and especially how to make your balls bigger available on YouTube, how about it for the hilarious "CHAE DERAINA." Jay, so nice to have you back on story wars. Two losses. What have you done to prepare for this third appearance? So I'm a last-someone canceled last second, and I had no time to prepare. Okay. I've been learning about this an hour and a half ago. Okay. I've spoken mirrors. We don't have to tell everyone how the sausage is made. It's okay. We had you booked for months. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. It's a hell of you. I've been training for your big win tonight. I came in last both other times, and so I mean, let's see what happens this time. I just want second last this time. That's it. That's it. There's our climbing. Anything but last. Anything but last. That's better. Okay. Our second competitor, making his story wars debut from his podcast, The Beardow and The Weirdo. Put your hands together for Craig. Gas. [Applause] Fellas. How are you? Craig. Craig. What is up, my man? It's good to see you. First time playing this game. I'm excited. I just want to win. That's what I want to do. Bad one of the best story tellers in the game. Lots of stories, Craig. I have lots of stories. Jay knows where most of the stories go towards concerts, sex, drugs. And so I had to be really careful with what I was doing here because I knew that Jay would know at least the territory that was it. It's been in my existence every week on this show. What doesn't Jay know? Weirdly enough, me and Craig have a lot of sex and drugs and rock and roll stories together. No chicks involved. No chicks involved. Yeah. Yeah. Something about that. One time I used to cry gas at a poison concert when I was high on Molly. Yeah. That's when I found out that the backstage wasn't free. Yeah. Yeah. But it's going to be a good time. I'm excited about that. Absolutely. Well, at least our final contestant with an ON1 record here on story wars. You know from the No Need for Apologies podcast right here on gas digital. He's got a new special good one available right now on 2B. Make some noise for the hilarious Derek Gaines. Craig. Craig, you look like an old Irish fucking music. And these are your two sinners vampires. Could we just come in for a spot? Just walked in the club with my hacky sack. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is Craig. He's an old white rapper. This is a rare, rare two African American panel. We've never had this before on story wars history making. Thanks guys. Yeah. We had to get Mamdani in office before we were allowed to have two black guys on one panel. Yeah. Yeah. If the story is like, hey, I'm the one time I was being a corny ass white guy. I was like, oh, I guess it's Craig. He's Craig. Yeah. The story is, Alex has to go one time. I was walking to the store. I found myself. If you're not familiar with the game, which is your first time listening at home. It's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I have submitted three to five stories. I'm one particular subject tonight's subject. Bums. Bums. Wow. Bums made a home. You made a home. Well, it's not just that it could be the homeless. It could be your butt. It could be somebody that bummed you out some time. Oh, that's cool. Come on, it's Bums. But when you hear the word Bums, you think of these fucking New York streets full of these pieces of shit. Well, I'll tell you this much. I'll tell you this much. I didn't even consider it many homeless people. So any homeless story just so you guys know, not mine. You do suck my dick. Wouldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. That's crazy coming out of you, Jay, because you're like this close to homeless guy. You're like this, like that, like right there. Remember on the edge of homeless? Yeah. I'm doing okay. I do live in my trucks sometimes though. I keep changing clothes just in case. Alex, our lovely producer is going to take eight of those stories and read them at random one at a time. They will appear here on this screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess who's story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So if it's your story, you have an opportunity to get four points. It's a huge opportunity to not squander it. Do not waste it. Okay. Once you lock your answer right here in on the tablet and put the tablet right here, that is it. You cannot change your answer. Once it's locked in and we've had it happen before. We've had people hit it by accident. If you hit it by accident, that's that. Once you lock it in, you cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, this game is so much fun. We're going to have so much fun tonight. All right. Even you, dead vampire lady, you're going to have fun. You're not even alive and you're going to have a great time. She's 4,000. He's 30. It's crazy. It's a hotness. Hotness of mummy I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah. Elvira vibes. Elvira. This guy has to go out and click rats for her eat at night. Yeah. Still looking at this guy, I'm going to call her Elvira mistress of the door. Damn, dude, jealousy is ugly on you. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you, dude. Have fun fucking this hot chick dickhead. You don't know him. He was here alone. Well, hi. Definitely a vampire. This is their game, though. She's loitering and he watches and wax off. She's like, I don't even know him. I don't even know her. Who? Who are you talking about? Look, it's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to have so much fun. But we don't play for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today. Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library. Tonight's winner will take home The Elephant Man by Bernard Palmerance. The three-time Tony award-winning play The Elephant Man follows John Merrick. A man in Victorian England who severe deformities make him the attraction of a traveling freak show. His rare condition left one. one side of his face so enlarged that he struggles to speak and move. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Wow. You're John Merrick. Where is this shit library out there? Keep getting these books right behind you. Right behind you. Really? Yeah. Get it from here. All right. Yeah. But from Story Wars Library. One time, the New York comic club threw out the entire Story Wars Library. It was insane. Really? Yeah. They were like, I don't know anybody was using a full library. That's it. I forgot about it. Now it's right back in my ass again. I'm a spoken saw here. I think everybody who gets it's going to get it. Is this crowd ready for war? New York comic club, are you ready for war? Child War. Alex, would you please, Story No. 1? Story No. 1. I once abandoned a passed out friend behind a Walmart where we were drinking. He called me the next day, understandably upset. To tell me he woke up feeling kisses on his neck. He was in the arms of a homeless guy who was spooning him. That's a black guy's story. Now, a pass out friend behind a Walmart who drinks behind a Walmart. I didn't grow up with a Walmart. You didn't grow up with a Walmart? Really? A Walmart everywhere. I promised you there was no Walmart where I lived in Overbrook Park, Philadelphia. That would be a crazy lie. It would be. This early in the game. No, no Walmart, for sure. Now we're all staring at shit. I'd love for sure as long as he's together. A target? It's just a drinking behind a, there was, there was no target in the neighborhood but target existed. Okay. So this is young kid shit, right? This is like 18 years old, 17 years old. You're drinking with your friends behind a Walmart. It could have been Craig at 40. I'm thrown by the idea of not knowing about Walmart, not having a Walmart. I thought Walmart's her everywhere. And if I know Craig, the guy passed out was like Vince Neill from Motley Corrula or something. Who knows everybody? Now Che is from Canada, do they have Walmart or something in Canada? We do have Walmart's in Canada. And Che is like a fucking frat broy type guy. This is very much up your alley. This is the type of behavior. Dude, a couple of chubby white chicks called you and you had to go, dude. What are you gonna sit there behind Walmart all night? I would never abandon a friend for fat chicks. No. Two fat chicks. Ah. No, but no, this isn't me. No, no, no, no. I don't know. You never leave a man behind. You can't do that. You can't leave your buddies to pass up behind a Walmart. I mean, maybe that's just Canadian. We're nicer people. So I guess, yeah. It wasn't a Bryan Adam song. Big J wasn't a big drinker when he was like a teenager. I mean, this isn't necessarily when you're a teenager, but I don't believe that this is big J. And that really-- My adult behind the wall. I was gonna say you're not a big drinker at all, but you do have to drink three shots at the Kayla just to talk to me. Yeah. But that's it. I don't use it. That's true. Um, Derek Gaines, big drinker. I'm not. What do you-- Derek, was it-- What's got there in your cup? It's just a ginger beer with lime. Well, I'm sure he drinks now, but Derek was a good boy also, I think. Yeah. He was a good boy. Oh, that's right. Derek was a good one. He was a good one. Yeah. They all belong to you, right now. Thank you. I appreciate that. No, it wasn't a big drinker, but he was in the Bloods of Christ. I was behind a lot of wild-wars. So-- But you also didn't smoke-- you were like me. You didn't smoke wheat till you were an adult, right? So I was like 28, so yeah. Yeah, man. You called me out, guys. Yeah, I don't think this is Derek. I don't think this is big, Jay. I'm narrowing this down to Craig or Jay. Louis, could you drink this? I also could be Louis. Yeah. Louis did everything wrong. Yeah. And Louis would leave a friend past the album. Yeah. That's a tough job, dude. Wow. You think I'm a bad friend? Maybe not. Maybe not a bad friend, but you would abandon someone. Yeah. You'd be upset if they died. I was abandoned in the garbage on my 21st birthday outside of the village idiot on 14th Street in 9th Avenue. The shittiest bar that you could have ever gone to, $5 pictures of beer, $1 shots. This place was the shit. And I got blackout drunk, and the girl that I was hanging out with left me in the garbage. I woke up with the garbage man shaking me in the morning on my 21st birthday. Was one of those garbage men kissing you on the neck? [LAUGHTER] That's it, I'm thinking. Hey, guy, wake up. One, two, one. Hey, Tony, still a frog. Two, one, one, one, one, one. That's great. Jesus. One, two, one, one, one. We do one minutes, we'll just get it. One, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one. But this-- once again, I'm going back to Che right now. I'm going to get my voting going. I'll start the voting. Che, Dorena. Che, you nice guy. Very much-- you know, you went to college, right? Two semesters. I did two semesters and I fucked up. But yeah, we got two semesters. Two semesters. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. I'm here. Both finishing college. This is some fucking college, fucking young Che behavior. This is the white side of you coming in, because blackout wouldn't do this. No, yeah. I'm going big, Jake, because I'm suspicious of the idea that he wasn't anywhere near Walmart. You got to slide it over, Joe. Oh, shit. Che. Oh, oh, you got to slide over, yeah, yeah. Shit. Maybe it's Craig. I was convinced it was you, Lewis. Really? I was convinced it was Lewis. I'm going Craig, because I don't know much about you. We just met. But all that he once says about you is you're just sex drugs and rock 'n' roll, and this is like classic. It is. Sex drugs, rock 'n' roll, leaving your friends in a ditch. Yeah. You want to do it? There's nothing wrong with rock 'n' roll. So you can get raped by a homeless guy? That's fucking metal, dude. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, and then Tina brings up a good point. I still fucking think this is Lewis. Please put your vote in for me. I look-- I might. Thanks for your-- I root for you to do well, roots. I root for you to do well. So every time we say root, we got to give shout out to the roots. Every single game, I want you to do well. So when you short off early, not doing well, it bums me out a little bit. Bums. Bums as well, that's the today's episode. Good. Wow. Good. Hey, votes for me. Derek and Derek, why me? Because, you know, it's talking too much. You're doing a lot of talking. And if you ever-- I don't even care. You've abandoned me plenty of times. Like every time. [LAUGHTER] You only booked me so you could say niggas in front of all these white people. [LAUGHTER] So as he does, he think it buys him one. But yeah, so. All right, all of our answers are in. Alex, who abandoned to pass that friend behind the Walmart? Story number one belongs to Crate Gats. Fuck. [APPLAUSE] It was metal. Good intuition. I was 15 years old. It was New Year's Eve, 15 years old, hanging out. Oh, really reset, OK. With my other 15-year-old friends. And we all got drunk and-- It was Dave The Snake Sabo from Skid Row. [LAUGHTER] Nobody cool was in that circle. It was just a bunch of degenerate friends. And we had no place to go. We didn't have-- we like, nobody invited us anywhere. So we ended up drinking behind this Walmart. At midnight, we're all looking at our watches. And we're like doing the countdown. Three, two, one. And one of our buddies was totally hammered. He already threw up. And he passed out. And we couldn't get him to wake up. We're like, dude, you got to get out. This is New Year's Eve. This New Year's Eve in Tucson, Arizona, is where I'm living at the time. And so there's like a desert behind the Walmart. And there was a shack. This little man-made shack, which is like a one-room shack. He passed out in the shack. And the next day, he called. And he was like, dude, where'd you guys go? And I woke up. And I felt somebody kissing my neck. There was a-- I get that shack belongs to a fucking homeless guy. He was like, he's hooning with me. And we all felt terrible. But he was like, dead weight. We couldn't move him. We were just like-- and we're 15. And when you're 15, you do dumb shit like that. Where you're just like, you're scared. And you're just like, look, we got to go. We got to go. That bum must have felt like he got somebody else's uber eats order. And he's like, yes. Nice. Who's this fucking, who's this Prince Charming? Oh, shit. Craig Gas, very impressive first round. Where are points at, Alex? All right. In second place with two points. Chaterina. [APPLAUSE] I didn't first place with three points. Craig Gas. [APPLAUSE] Very nice, fat of the gates. I don't have to gate. Alex, story number two. Story number two. A lady once offered me to eat my butt in exchange for her HBO Max password. For context, this was during the last season of Game of Thrones. [LAUGHTER] Hang on. Wow. I'm going to offer me to eat my butt in exchange for her HBO. So you're hitting up the woman for the password, because you want that HBO, and she loves eating No, she wanted to eat your art. So here's the thing, look, it's not me. No woman wants to eat my ass. I'm letting you know what they have. There's been a couple of gals out there that have done it. - Oh, she's never been part of a barter. - Oh, I feel bad. I look back and I'm like, I'm so sorry. That you have to do this right now. She's just munching away on my fucking gross ass. God bless her soul. Big J also, a flat, we have the same, a flat, a flabby fat ass. It makes no sense. It's an ass that's both fat and flat. - Okay. - It's my reaction to anyone ever looking my ass has been this. (laughing) - It's clean. - I'll tell you, that's very clean, but. - No woman wants to eat minor J's ass. - I'm thrown by the theme being bum or bums. So is this a homeless lady offering to eat your ass? - Well, bum is a butt. - But is a bum. - Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. - I got you. - Like British. - I want it to be a homeless woman. - This is, I feel like this is Derek or Che. And I think it's because you're imagining their delicious black ass as you fucking weirda. - Not delicious black asses. - Jesus, look at you, I bet this guy. - I didn't eat anyone's ass, who's ass, would you eat? - It would be yours or yours. - Well, I'm not a piss. - You're thinking introspectively what you would do if you had to eat people. - I'm saying if a woman is like, I wanna eat your ass. If you let me eat your ass, I will then give you my HBO Max password. Is, and I apologize here, a chubby white girl throwing herself a chain of rain. (laughing) (cheering) - My only covers that we don't have HBO Max in Canada. We don't have been here this half a week ago. - You're up here now. And you're also a freak, very like a hypersexual at your whole thing online. You've talked to, on the railroads block, 'cause you've talked about girls eating your ass before. - You know porn stars too. - Why would I eat the, I get a portal. - They're HBO Max. (laughing) - Well, she wants, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sure, that's true. - Yeah, I don't need, I wouldn't, that why wouldn't borrow. - Yeah, but don't look freaking weird, dude, shut up. (laughing) Freeze, freeze. - I gotta say, having watched a couple episodes of this show to prepare for this, Lewis really does some fucking forensic fact-finding shit. Like, he gets so into this game, he really does bring up some great points. I'm following Lewis's leads right now. - Okay, good, so I say it's Craig Gas. (laughing) - I'd be Craig Gas. - That was a crazy far-washed shot, my son in a foot. A lot of you don't give Lewis credit, but this guy's right. - He must be something. - Do a lot of flowers on this shit, yeah. - Jay, let me have my moment, Craig loves me. - Yeah, that was good. - I'm agreeing with Jay right now. I think Jay, and look, here's the thing, I think that Derek, he's a Christian boy, he's from the hood, he's not letting anybody get his asshole. That's against the Lord, it's not happening. One, I won't, but I'm not from the hood. - But even though-- - Are you not from the hood? - No. - I don't know why, I literally just assumed. I swear to God. - Watch good, boom. (laughing) There's nothing that ever gave me that idea, except for the color of your skin. That was the most racist thing that I've ever said. (laughing) - What it though? - Actually, no, reality. - No, it has. - I'm not even the most racist thing I've said in the past hour. I gotta be honest with you guys. - That's so funny. - I gotta say, Jay, I just feel like this is, right up your alley. - Nice. - All right, I'm gonna right up your-- - Nice, right up your keyster. - Super hot, dumper alley. (laughing) - Oh yeah, this is Craig Gas, dude. Chicks want to come cross state lines to suck his asshole, man. (laughing) - And so obviously, Jay, you saw yourself out there, dude. Craig. - I bet, Craig, again? - I bet Jay's got a beautiful ass, too. All right, that's a delightful hell you. - Yeah, look, she wants a vampire girl once she's in her ass. - Oh, hey. - I suck my ass. - I'd love to suck your ass. (laughing) - Let her tongue your butt for a fucking Netflix password or something. - Yeah. - And you got Disney Plus? What are we working with there? - One lick, two lick, three lick. (laughing) - I just got a Canadian ass, it tastes like Tim. - Wait, I just turned into the 50 pop owl. - Yeah. - A one. - A two. - A two. - A three. - A three. - A three. (laughing) - You think owls can't be vampire? - No. - They're nocturnal, dumbass. - Doey. They have the same hours. Doey. - Chase thinks it's Craig Gass, Alex. Who's sort of a story number two? - Story number two belongs to Chaderina. (audience applauding) - Look. That was so obvious that the audience is bummed out. (laughing) - Bummed out? - Yeah. (audience cheering) - Okay, yeah, whatever, it's me. Yeah, I was, I was a broke comic. I was living in house with three other comics. And we're all doing shit to see if we could, how many subscription services we could get for free. So on my hinge profile, I had every answer said like, oh, well, what's your idea of a good first date? I was like, you give me your HBO Max password. (laughing) It was like, what are you looking for in a person, an HBO Max password? (laughing) Every answer was that. And then some girl was like, hey, I got HBO Max and I was like, let's go on a date. And it wasn't the exchange for that, but she did eat my ass. And then I got the HBO Max password, yeah. (audience cheering) - Yeah, yeah. (audience cheering) - Dance for Alice, a huge fan. - And then three dudes got to watch the season finale game of Thrones. It was for the boys. - It was for the boys. (laughing) - Yeah, for the boys. - It's for the boys. (laughing) - Oh, well, put her on scores. - Jake, Jake got no points in that. Right now it's where I points it. - All right, tied for second place with two points each. Lewis J. Gomez, Big J. Ogerson, Chaderina, and Derrick Gaines. (audience cheering) - On the board, on the goddamn board. (audience cheering) - And in first place with five points, Craig Gas. - Yeah. (audience cheering) - Okay. - All right. All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Chubbies for supporting the show. We love Chubbies. Obviously, we wear Chubby shorts all summer long. My favorite bathing suit is a Chubby bathing suit. But not only do they make shorts and swimmer and all that, they also have an incredible fall collection that's built for maximum comfort and minimal effort, Jay. - Oh yeah, they make shorts, swimwear, everyday clothing with quick drying fabrics and bold prints, colors. They're perfect for days outside on the couch on the couch, so comfortable. They've really figured it out. I'd said that bathing suit, as you said, I agree that lining the best in the game. - Oh my god. - Everything's so-called, they're shorts are so comfortable. I'm gonna try out sweatshirts. You know I'm a sweatshirt guy, so. - Ooh, that is a new thing. Dude, Skinny Jay now wears. - Crew necks. - Crew necks. - Yeah, he's loving it. - And also, by the way, I mean, dude, it is NFL season. They have the Chubby's collection for the NFL, so you could wrap your favorite team, which I know for me. I'm wrapping the Mighty Ducks the whole time. - Yeah, the High Ducks, yeah. Big time NFL, best team in the NFL. - Whether you're layering up for tailgates, lounging through lazy Sundays, or just leaning fully into fall comfort. Chubby's has you covered. And for a limited time, Chubby's is giving Story Warriors $20 off your order with the Code Wars, W-A-R-Z, at chubbyshorts.com. Once again, that is Code Wars with the Z-W-A-R-Z at chubbyshorts.com. - Hey, Story Wars, let's take a second and thank our amazing sponsor for today's show. And that is him's, everybody, every guy in this audience has a limp penis. That is for sure. One thing I know for sure is that. - Well, if it wasn't limp, it is now, 'cause you pointed it out. So now I'm in my head. - Oh yeah, are you gonna get harder? What? (laughing) What's happening? Am I doing something wrong? What's the problem? Please stop saying that, girls. Are you okay? - It doesn't have something wrong. What's wrong? Are you just not attracted to me? 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Gomez plan, 'cause I need all three, hymns.com/warzwithazee, prescription products require an online consultation with a licensed healthcare provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate, restrictions apply, and visual results may vary. See hymns.com for full details. All right, where were we? - Oh, it's heating up, Alex. - I like it. Story number three. (dramatic music) - Story number three. A homeless man propositioned me to watch his magic trick. While looking for my card, he was emptying out his pockets and one of his hands pulled out a dead baby bird. (laughing) - I don't remember if he- I've never found my car. (audience laughing) - How, shit. - Fuck. - Now, I would have initially said that this happened in the hood, my vote would have been Derek Gaines, but as I just found out, Derek did not grow up in the hood. - No, you lived a lot of the hood, and you love magic. - I do love magic. - Do you do love magic? - If a homeless guy came and tried to show me magic, I would watch with baited breath. - I wouldn't do that. I assume it was all leading to him stabbing me. (audience laughing) - What does he make his knife to be it? (laughing) - That's not happened to my father. That's how he died. He was watching magic. - Watching magic. (laughing) - No, I'm kidding. - I loved watching clothes so violent magic. (laughing) - And just like that, his life disappeared. So, Che, what about you, this could be you. - Me? This is me. - Yeah, this could be you. - I mean, I mean, this could be anyone. I think this is Craig just because it's a long written out thing. It's like, well, crafted. There's my card in quotations. - I was looking at that too. - Yeah. - Dude, none of you motherfuckers are using quotes. That's not a chance. - Dude, that was a white guy thing when I saw the quote in my card. - Yeah. - I would use quotes, I would say. - I'd use quotes for sure. And Alex, would you, you can answer this question. Alex, not that you did, but would you ever add quotes? - I would never add quotes. - You would never add quotes. - Wow, it's just so you guys know, integrity folks. - Wow, integrity. (audience applauding) The game is pure. - You guys can take your, you can take your tablets down. (laughs) - You wanna hold on to your tablets? - Hey. - Yeah, the my card, 'cause that adds like, this comedic writing element to it. I don't know, I don't know, that makes it, mmm. - We're all comedians. - We're all comedians, but we don't all write like comedians. - That's true. - This is a writer. - Like George. (laughs) - My first thought was Craig possibly, as well. - Or actually it was you, 'cause a magic, but. - You saw word magic and you associated with it. That's how you play the game. - Sort of some time. - That's crazy. - But as I read through it, this seems like a Craig thing. Craig lived in New York for a while. Where he lives in New York again now. - This doesn't say in New York, though. - No, it could be any city. Derek, maybe this is a very, very, very quiet right now. - Derek, one of the best stories ever in the history of the show. - That's kind of a giveaway, 'cause you just said, you just placed this in New York and no one has said anything about New York. - Where the fuck was this happened? - You just went, oh, this is a New York story. - We all live in New York. We're actively in New York. - Vote for me based on that, if you like, but that's fucking, you're staying on. Homeless in New York, how do you know the homeless are in New York? - No, how do you know this story takes place in New York? I think this-- - I don't, Derek. - No, this feels like some out of Portland, like maybe in a festival. - Derek had one of the funniest stories ever on the show, and it did include a frog being murdered with bleach. - Yeah, it's pretty crazy. - It was a dead animal story. I think this is where Derek's mind goes when he gets into these story wars zone. - Dead birds, you know. - This is why I'm thinking, this could be Derek. - Derek didn't grow up in the hood, but he does live in New York City. I think he lived near Philly at one point. That's the hood. I assume Philly's the hood. - Kind of. - Full of Philly. - Not all of it. - Not the Northeast. - Northeast Philly. - That was the nice point. - No, no, no, no. - Okay, well. (audience laughing) - There you go. - But you were going, you were gracing, South Philly. - They're circuses and festivals, but if you were listening to me. - There was times when you went to other parts of Philly, which is the hood, and you encountered this homeless guy impressed upon you, dead bird, dead frog. This is Derek fucking gains. - You guys were all supposed to start applauding. Thank you. - No. (audience laughing) - There's something about this game. - Dude, that was crazy. - Dude, that was fucking crazy. - Oh, there's way to put that together. - But I feel like it might be Jay, 'cause Jay, you'd be places. You'd be festivals with motherfuckers do goofy shit like this, man. (audience laughing) You think there's homeless people at the festival? - Yeah, that's, you know, they're outside. That stay home, so, you know, they're gonna come. - You have to pay to go into a festival. - They can get around. There's a game or a whole or something. (laughing) - Homeless people move good. I'ma say big Jay, dogs. - It could be big Jay, but that was my second. That was my second vote was big Jay. Why do you say big Jay, uh, Jay? - I'm going big Jay because he placed it. I do think it might be Craig, 'cause after I said that, he tapped my shoulder to encourage me. Like, yeah. - Oh shit. - Oh shit. - Just turn me away, dad. - I tapped you and encourage you when you started to say, "You just said in New York." Why'd you say in New York? - Yeah, so I was like-- - But you might be being like, "Yeah, that's right, man." - And you're trying to steer me away from you. - The two guys who are gonna be the best at this are the two hosts of this show. - Me? - No, no, no, no. - You can't be able to hide, and being able to hide, and you're running the show, you're asking all the questions, you can hide behind all the questions, and I-- - You're a lot to ask just as many questions. - I genuinely believe it's either Lewis or big Jay. I can't figure out who it is. I'm going with Lewis. - Okay. - Final answer. - Waste of a vote. (audience applauding) - It's a right foot. - I can clap for against me. You piece of the shit. You're clapping for me not to get pointed. That's my story. Just so you know. - And there's a bug flying around her head. - It won't stop landing on me. (laughing) - And when I learned that Jeff Goldberg movies that throws up every time it lands. (laughing) - Answer's all over the place, Alex. Who's story, and I think I'm right here. Who's story was story number three? - Story number three belongs to big Jay Ogerson. (audience applauding) - God. - Damn it. - It was the hood. - God. Damn it. - And it wasn't in New York. - It wasn't in New York for sure. - Wow. - This was why I was sitting out smoking on my stoop. One day in the East Village, and a homeless guy came by, and he was just like, very erratic. But he was like, you wanna see a homeless trick? I'll show you a homeless trick for a dollar. (laughing) - You're holding a homeless trick? - Yeah. - Homestrick? (laughing) - Homestrick. - Homestrick. - Homestrick. - Homestrick. - He's like, look, I'm dirty. Ta-da. (laughing) - Oh, you're dicks in my mouth. - Stop it! (laughing) - It may have been the butt of the joke of it because he goes, yeah, he goes, and he put out a deck of cards. It was like half empty, like the cards weren't all there. And I had to pick a card. I looked at it, he goes, put it back in the deck. And then he goes, all right, now it's not in the deck anymore but he doesn't show me the deck. (laughing) He just, it sure is me. It's not in the thing anymore. And then, just starts going through all of his pockets and pulling out crazy shit. And then one of them, and he's, by the way, he's taking on just throwing stuff like on the ground. And one of the things he just throws is like, I think, the fetus of a bird. - Oh, yeah. - It was this big. - When they fall out of the nest. - Full body, yes. Something like that. And it was just like a dead bird right there. And I went, oh! (laughing) And then he goes, oh no, no, he can, we just sleepin'. And he picked him up and he goes, I'll give him a CPR. And he starts pushing on it and he goes, (laughing) And I was like, ah! And then the cops made him leave. (laughing) - Vampirella was gettin' so hungry, didn't he? - Yeah, she was so hungry. - Hmm, baby, it was so scary. - I love it. - The C.P.E. finger C.P.R. on his chest. - Thank you, look. - The lovely Sarah Fina, everyone. (cheering) The lovely. (cheering) - She's-- - That's the sound of the guy's clapping and the women doing this to their boyfriends. (laughing) Everybody's Sarah Fina. (humming) (laughing) Alex, where are our points at? Three stories down. - All right, in last place with two points. - Fuck you. - Lewis, Jack Gomez. (cheering) (laughing) - Tied for second place with four points. Each big J.O.G.R.S. in Chaderina and Derek Haynes. (clapping) - And in first place with five points, Craig Gas. - Yeah. (clapping) - It is feeding up for everybody except Lewis. Do you guys know, the winner is gonna take home the elephant man. And although John Merritt gains the attention of doctors, celebrities, and wealthy patrons, he's never allowed to escape the curiosity surrounding his body. His new life may be more comfortable, but he's still treated as something to be observed rather than fully understood. (clapping) - She's the best. (laughing) - Vampire girl Rose, she's like, "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo." I hope she has a 10 inch penis and you have to suck it. (laughing) - Good if she had a cock, I would literally let her come in my mouth right now. Are you out here, mine, how hon? - I'd watch her whack off and just end with my arms folded, and act like I'm trying to figure out if I like her. (laughing) - Can't even do shit so hard. - Miss, I'll start cutting myself to be with you if you'd like. Dude, he'll give you his HBO password if you let him eat your ass. - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. - Alex, story number four. - Story number four. I once brought a homeless woman home and my best friend hooked up with her while I pouted. (laughing) - Lewis, I mean, like Lewis, this does slap of Lewis. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I brought a homeless woman. I would assume that you brought Homeless One Home and you and several of your best friends all shared her And then she ended up selling tickets for you for the next three years And you and you being one of my best friends. I was one of your best friends. I remember this bitch I can't believe it was not yet James the guy hooked up with her while I pouted And every was you suck. I think I'm looking over loose go Uh, yeah, I mean I a I a what I did this Jesus Christ Where's your vote? All you want boys? Craig gas you are Nautoriously like you're a hooker you guys both have a story with the homeless Not with homeless one. Have you never hooked up with a homeless woman? Who who is not hooked up with a homeless person? That's crazy. I mean I'm not I'm not I did just clap like she's hooked up with a homeless person That's crazy. Sir Fina you fucking take that back you you're a child. I dare you. You've never done that. I did hook up with a homeless woman. What yeah? And I couldn't believe she was homeless. She was beautiful. I mean it was yeah, it was in Phoenix, Arizona But yeah, it was shed behind the Walmart You know, wait a minute. It wasn't a woman. That was a guy But it was an angel Yeah, I feel like yeah, homeless checkers like a fucking you know a chicken a fucking park that you meet at a festival in college if a girl's hot enough to Fuck she won't be homeless, exactly That's not true. You see some hot homeless bitches once in a blue dog. It's very clean. Of course, what do you mean if I see any homeless woman As you offer her a life I always said if a woman is sleeping next to a guy on the streets. She loves this That's a love that none of us will ever understand because she is a fucking couple of blowjobs away from at least sleeping in a stairwell Thank you. Thank you. I've been doing a lot more spoken word stuff Yeah, if you can hear it over snab so it'd be nice. Yeah. Yeah, I usually hold a candle under my it's a thing I'll be a Joe's pup. Hey, if you hooked up with the homeless check before I've never hooked up with a homeless chick surprise Have you ever fucked a girl homeless though? Oh, yeah You fucking so bitch. You forgot to pay your bills. You got addicted. No, my dick's not that good But I think this is Lewis because I think he's the only one I think you would be upset not that you didn't get to fucker, but that you like invested in this homeless check And you're like all my paint like my I'm not getting what I feel like I'm old. Yeah, yeah, me and Lewis I think I've done this back and forth to each other before with the thing where you're like, oh, I guess you're gonna fuck my friends Dead and then one of spouts. Yeah, of course They're always the most rancid whores that we shouldn't be pouting over But we're fucking fat guys And we're always like he was fat. I can't believe she wouldn't suck both our dick It's so funny. I can eliminate Derek because can you see Derek saying and I Did no no, thank you. I can't see Derek say dope Derek's out. Yeah, we can all agree Derek's out If he was like I went and wrote this track, maybe I got in the studio. Yeah, I wrote 16 bars fucking put her out of business. So Derek's out Yeah, this this like here. I'm getting big J or yeah, get whatever you want Big J big J votes for me. Why why me big J because it's you you walked around selling tickets to piece you were a piece of shit So tick is the people and then you'd be like hey, oh, hey girl piece of shit. Do you want fresh water and suck my dick? You bring me like puppy's dude you get my sauce or a milk You sold tickets for years. Bay. J's pushing so hard that it's me that I think this is him This when you first moved to New York City. Wow, met some homeless bitch after her. Yeah, I moved to New York City with my ex-wife Nobody shit so bad. Oh, you're so bomb dude. You're all fucking your body's all shaking from Red Bulls Oh, what a waste of it. Why would you put that one? It's all obviously me. You dumbass Who was it? Who's sorry was it? Oh, it belongs to Lewis Yes, it was what I'm selling comedy for tickets. Oh, it's dude. I met this girl. I met this girl on 34th Street She was a like a real fucking skanky broad Brought her home with me when I used to live up in Washington Heights The culprit who hooked up with her while I pouted Libertarian presidential candidate Dave Smith She ended up doing porn she did some porn she did some porn afterwards and I masturbated to her furiously for years to come Man libertarians really do care about everybody. Yeah Build your own roads. Build your own roads to homeless diseased pussy. Yes. How did you find out she ended up doing porn afterwards? I happened upon the porn and I was like, that's that bitch This before non-stop porn clip stuff in the world. This was still like just Where like my Homeless skanks eight street latinos Big pieces of shit. No, she was I think it was a cycle come fiesta That was part of the bank brothers catalog If you got one subscription you were opened up a street latinos big naturals It was a bomb in the VIP, which is where Kimbo Slice got a fun fact Kimbo Slice got to start Protecting porn scene shot inside VIP clubs Let's fucking go Lewis goes and that was tongue fiesta points of Amporella. She looked away like Keep eye contact with you Alex, you know, we we're gonna do the points. Let's move on In last place with two points Lewis J. Gomez. Yeah, I like I like coming from behind You hear that Vampirella tied for second place with this This way you can only see your balls and not your weener. Yeah, that's true tied for second place with six points each big J. Ogerson, Che Dorina and Derek Ains Yeah, yeah Going up a little bit feels good and in first place with seven points Craig gas. Yeah Those came close game I'm into it. Let's do it. We're the halfway point of the show. Yes, we are let's go around the horn do some quick plugs Remember guys, it's not coming out for at least five six weeks. So plug some stuff in the future But there are games. What do you plug in my friend? Uh make sure you watch good little more to be it'll be out five six weeks from now and September I'll be in Boston at the comedy studio September 10th come check out one one night only Derek Ains Just trying some new shit out of embossed September 10th. Thank you very much I keep watching no need for apologies on the gas. There's a network. No need for a positive Dave Timberland myself. Very good times. Craig gas I have my show beard on weirdo with my buddy Chris Kale from the rock and roll band five finger death punch What you can find online wherever you get your podcasts, and I'm also doing shows in Dallas Boise and a big show in Houston with Chris Kale the night before five finger death punch does their big show up there at the woodlands And you can find all the info at getgas.com get gas with two S's dot com very cool. Oh, yeah very gas Chana Rayna Check out my podcast two goons and I'm gonna be going on on Australian tour So if you have any Australian fans yet come check me out in Brisbane melbourne and you suck his ass for a place to stay Yeah, you want to come on tour. You just need a good tongue. That's it Big J big J comedy comm for all my dates greatest yapper live tour happening now sitting near you for sure It never ends. So look big J comedy.com for tickets and of course the bonfire five days week faction talk series 6103 with me and the great Robert Kelly and the Legion of Skanks for the ship show flagship the fact ship the flagship ship show over here. Guess this though The Legion of motherfuckin skank Three for life. Oh and watch the Kevin Hart roast It's coming out so long from six months ago watch the Kevin Hart roast and we're all year older Let's see look this look back on and see if we were that upset go to my website Santa for my mailing list. I'm coming to a city near you at one point Lewis of skanks.com And if you love this show, you should know that we have I mean dozens of episodes that are no longer available on YouTube or anywhere else at Gases or dot com We also don't pre-release on all the episodes it comes out every Monday before it goes to YouTube or anywhere else Add free and uncensored. So you get the show exactly how we record it. We say crazy shit here lots and lots of stuff That you can't get on YouTube. So go to gaseginal.com get the app for iPhone and Android and use the promo code war Save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly. It's the number one way you can support this show And make sure you guys go buy my book knives and spoons. I got a book that's available on Amazon and it burns a noble So called knives and spoons to memoir and really I thought it was a - Come on. - Come on. (audience laughs) Thank you. (audience applauds) - Knives on Spoon. - Crowd loves fiction. (audience applauds) - All right. Well, we have hit the second half of the show, and if you are familiar with the show, you know that Lewis, you're not out of this game. I know you're bummed 'cause you're really, you're playing like absolute shit tonight. - Bummed. - And everyone's laughing at you. - No, they love it. - But. - They're laughing with me. - You could turn this around, in a moment, because for the second half of the game, we go double points. (audience applauds) - What? (audience cheers) - What? (audience laughs) - What? (audience cheers) - Wait a minute. Time out. - You're telling me that, even though I only have two points right now, and you guys are just way ahead, you've got to put so far ahead, that as long as I score again, then I will get double points. (audience cheers) - You said you know what's going on. Why are you not cheering? (audience laughs) We asked in the beginning who goes. - I said, before if you fooled somebody, you got one point, and if you fucking guess correctly, you got two points, but now that goes to double points. (audience cheers) - I'd kick her out. (audience laughs) - Ooh, kick with the fucking program, lady. (audience laughs) - The fucking roots are here, and now we all look like fucking idiots. (audience laughs) - You're embarrassing us, I'm sorry, you root love. (audience laughs) - Quest love, yeah. - Uh-huh. - That's so out of a pair. - The right corner. - That's Quest love. - Who do they explain the music? (audience laughs) - It's the roots, they're on the back, right over there. Say hello, say hello to Quest love. Say he's waving at you. (audience applauds) - Thank you. - They're right there behind that white guy, and that whiter guy. (audience laughs) - I was seeing if she was actually believing you, 'cause I was like, get the fuck out of here. (audience laughs) Every week, dude. Black thought just comes in like beatboxes. She doesn't even say no lyrics. - No lyrics. - Alex, story number five. - Story number five. One of the best bombs I've ever seen was attached to a trans woman that tricked a friend of mine. - I subsequently had to warn several other guys pursuing her, so they knew the facts. Some still did it. Damn, it was that great of an ass. (audience laughs) - Okay, I got quotes again twice. - Two quotes, who was last time? Who did the quotes? - Oh yeah. - Ooh. - It was Jake. - Jake. - Wow, Mr. Quotey Quotey over here. - Two quotes. - I thought the subject was quotes. (audience laughs) - I'm not gonna lie, I read the thing wrong. (audience laughs) - Fuck you. Oh, quoteable Jay-Hulkerson over here. - Fuck you, quotey McQuodeerson. - Okay, all right. - Buh-buh. - I mean, I couldn't see this being Jay-Jay. Look, he is a homosexual. So. - That's not even sort of true. - This, all right, another thing, not direct. Derek, if this was the truth, he would never admit that he thought a transgender person had a great ass. - Oh yeah, his uncle would kill him. (audience laughs) - I mean, that's treason in the black community. - Yeah, that's uncle would shoot him. - He's uncle would shoot him. - Just keep your mother bugging him. - The highest treason, yeah, yeah, yeah. - The highest treason. - Oh, yeah. - Our Kelly's just went to jail. Dude, don't tell us about your uncle, you weirdo. - Just went, he'd been in jail for a while. - I know, but then he went in jail. He's like, "Oh, my neighbor used to rape me." I go, "Shh, too late now." There you go. (audience laughs) - And that ship has sailed. - Broco, dude, you're an adult now. You get it? - I'm kinda looking to crack gas over here. Craigs are looking to crack gas. - I'm looking to crack gas too. - I'm touching his head like, "Oh, I wonder who's doing that." - I'm actually only trying to figure out who would write the word subsequently. That is just, that's-- (audience laughs) - Listen, man, I'm impressed, yeah, I think. - And I mean this, I'm just trusting that that's a word. (audience laughs) - Subsequently, he goes, "Context really, I get it." (audience laughs) - I mean, I feel like so, you know, that's a lot of syllables. (audience laughs) God bless you, God bless you overwrote that. Subsequently, if this is another one of best. - Someone being not a good friend, and this could be Craig again, just ditching somebody. You ditching people with homeless, trans, everyone gets a little-- - Well, this is being a good friend, though. He's warning the gentleman in the area which I can also see Craig doing. But guys, it's a man. Don't say anything. - Yeah, yeah, it's a guy. I call dibs, fucking Broco, dude. Even though it's a guy, technically, you can't fucking break Broco. (audience laughs) - Yeah, but this is Big Jair Craig. This is some fucking-- - This is some fucking-- - This is a guy who enjoys a fucking creed show. And I hate creed, so it's Craig. - Oh, maybe. - I still think it's gonna be Louis or Big J on this one. - And though, you know what, though? - Louis is my friend, they tricked. - Yeah. (audience laughs) - Pretty hard, hard, hard. - Yeah, I told you to do that was a guy. You actually spit balls out of your mouth to tell me to get out of here. - You don't-- - I don't care. - Get out of here. - I don't care, I love her. - It's a beautiful woman. She's beautiful, puh. - Sure, her cocks on the outside on my insides, but inside her is a woman. - I mean, you've both been trying to fuck the Trans Vampire all night, so. (audience laughs) - That's true. - No, no, no. I just wanna learn her C, Chris. - Transpire. - Transpire. - Who's transpire? - Yes. - Who's transpire, that night? - Yes, transpire. - Yes. - Fuck, was Hitler like. (audience laughs) Tell me one good thing about Hitler. (audience laughs) - I don't know, man, it's too courteous and your Canadian ass ain't really said shit. So, I don't know. That's 'cause to go to let everybody else know, like, yo, I don't want you to make this mistake, it's a very Canadian thing to do. - Also calling butts bombs feels Canadian. - I just, ah, chase. - Yeah, but I wouldn't quote her, I would say her, 'cause they are women. (audience laughs) - Oh, yeah, that's. - That's what I think. So, Jay is like, he's young, he's part of one of these fuckies. Cookie, younger generation. - No, of course. - He, he, he's not gonna quote. - Yeah, this wouldn't be a thing where he'd be like, gosh, no, it's a fucking no. He'd be like, just like, relax, everyone. Leave her alone. She's fucking, this is-- - Oh, that's why he hangs out with all white people. (audience laughs) - This is Big J or Craig. Craig, tell me why this is not you, 'cause I gotta be convinced that this is not you. - It's not me, and I'm-- - All right, there you have it. - Okay. - It's not me. - It's me. - Guys, I believe him, and there it is. (laughs) - I'm realizing everyone has had a story in here except for Derek, right? But I can't see Derek being this person. That, not, that's like any kind of a science to this, 'cause you guys, it'll just be-- - I wouldn't be blown away if this was Derek. This is a very-- - I agree, I don't think it's Derek. I'm just saying, what is Derek's story? - Actually, yeah, you know what? This could be Derek until acknowledgement that it's great ass. - That's great ass. - Yeah, 'cause we like laughing at shit like that. I wouldn't let nobody know. I just wanna, look, he better go, come on. - He gonna fuck this shit up for himself, dog. (laughs) - Oh, he gonna regret this shit in the morning, nigga. (screams) - Like that. (laughs) - So yeah, man. - Man, people love letting their friends fuck trans without knowing. (laughs) - I'm analyzing the writing and-- - Subsequently, he had to warn several other guys pursuing her, so they knew the facts. - All right, I'm gonna get the voting going here. We can sit here all day long. This is Craig Gasser, Big J. I gotta pick one of the two. What is the audience? Craig Gasser, Big J. - Poss-- (audience cheers) - Big J. - I realize that, I realize that J and Craig send a lot of life through the audience yelling it. - Me? - What? - Going Lewis. - I'm going Lewis. - I don't think it's Lewis. - It's J or Craig really? - Really? - I don't think it's you as wild, huh? - Yeah, usually, I think it's me, every time. I'm gonna vote before you, I'm gonna go Craig. You think J? - I think it's possible. - It's a big tough J. - God bless. - I think it's J. - No, I think that was a-- - I think it's J. - No, no, I think, but I'll put Craig, but I still think it's J. - Everybody's in? Alex? - Story number five, belongs to Big J. - Big J. - Ash? - I knew it was one of them. - It was one of them. - It's the quotes. - It's the quotes. - Quotes. - You quotes. - Quotes. - Quotes. - Quotes. - No, I will never book quotes ever again. I'm never-- that is gonna be my dead giveaway. I write these, I'm like-- You see, I'm writing a book. Quotes, I put a semi-colon. It's always me. - You can be-- - Subsequently? Subsequently. - I ran this story by somebody earlier a day ago. Well, they're not gonna think it's Lewis. You wrote Subsequently. (laughing) - You can see, like I see you sitting on a stool smoking a cigarette saying this. This is? - Subsequently. - Yeah. - Subsequently. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - So, I did a radio show, a morning show, and there was a stripper there that was promoting some event I was doing, and she's very pretty, the stripper, and then my friend was hanging out me, and then later that night, they kind of hit it off at the strip club, and my friend ended up banging her. And then on the drive home afterwards, we were kind of just going over. He was telling me kind of how it went down. And with some of the clues, like she kept asking, if we get fined. and kept asking if I wanted to fuck her in the ass. We kind of deduced also the fact that her hands were bigger than his. We were like, "Oh, just. " - She could palm a basketball. - We're like, "This, I think this used to be a guy." And then we got confirmation that was in fact the case. Skip ahead, like a year later, I was doing the same radio show, asked me to do their thing down to the Jersey Shore, like their opening night thing, and they had a bunch of the Philadelphia Eagles there. And I was there with Todd Harriman, who's an offensive lineman at the time for the Eagles. And we're doing the same part of the show together. So we're kind of like talking. I'm very excited as an Eagles fan. And down the aisle, they're doing a bikini contest at this bar. It's eight in the morning. And it was always girls there. The best ass on this bar was the one where you had to meet. Number five. And number five, as I follow this ass up, is the fucking, the guy, my friend fucked. And I'm like, damn, dude, it's so funny you go. It's a great ass. And as soon as you put it together, you go, that is a muscular man's ass. The reason it's a perspective has changed immediately. The reason it's such a great ass is because when you take a penis into your bum, you clinch and let go and clinch and let go. It's like kegels for your shit. So, so then, across the bar, this is actually-- How did you know that? This is such a great part of the story there because at the time, also, there was a player on the Eagles who was at this point already kind of disgraced. His name is Riley Cooper. And he got filmed at-- remember, we watched this. It was like a country music concert in Philly. And he just was drunk. And they got a video of him saying, like, "Colonel security, the n-word," and saying, "Oh, it's a crazy shit." Like a fucking idiot. Which I'm against. Yeah, we're all against. No, that's why-- [APPLAUSE] But let me tell you, that's why this-- [LAUGHTER] That's why this was beautiful this moment, though, because he was down the end of the bar. And he's looking at the girls. And he's like a long-haired, very frat-browy looking guy, Riley Cooper. And he's just staring up at the ass of number five, the trans. And he looks over at Todd Herman's, who stand next to me. And he goes, he does the little 80s movie, lowers the glasses and goes, five, five. And I go, oh, hey, dude. And he just grabs my arm and goes, ah, let him find it. [LAUGHTER] Let that motherfucker fuck up himself. Ah, he's going to be fucked up in the morning, don't get. [LAUGHTER] Oh, he's fucking himself up. Yeah, there's no offensive line. I was like, ah, let him find out. Oh, that's hilarious. Alex, five stories down. Where do we sit with our points? All right. In the last place, there are only two points. Lewis, Jay Gomez. Hey, got it up in. He got it up in and he dusted it off his uniform. Hey, you know what? You can't win them all. In fourth place with six points, Derrick Gaines. Go for it. It's very smooth before. There's also four in the respectable. In third place with seven points, Craig Gas. First time ever playing. Alex, it's really very impressive. In second place with 10 points, Chaterina. Hey. Ah. Quotes. He's a baller. Quotes. Got his B.O. Max. And in first place with 12 points. Wow. Big J over two points. Wow. [APPLAUSE] Could it be one of the rare, elusive big J Victor and I? Who knows? Well, you know for sure that all had to do with double points. [MUSIC PLAYING] [LAUGHTER] Alex, I feel like the volume is not loud enough. Yeah, no one's hyped. We're not hyped at all, dude. Will you turn the fucking roots up to 11 and rip the knob off? We got the fucking roots here. So you're trying to-- Black thought. Questlove. The guy with the horn. I think there's another guy that says-- Two book good in junior. Two book good in junior. For fuck's sake, Marcellus Wallace. [LAUGHTER] Marcellus Winston, what was the fuck was the-- Alex, Marcellus Wallace. Marcellus Wallace, is that the-- That's both big shit, both big shit. I'm thinking whoever, Bradford Marcellus. G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band. That's what we should say, the fucking band is. Fuck it. Uma Thurman, fuck it. Samuel Jackson. Kevin Spacey on Guzou. [LAUGHTER] All right, let's take a quick moment to think price picks for sport of the show. Price picks turns every sporting event into a very exciting thing for me. I'm not a big sports guy, Jay. You love all your sports teams. You love your thing. But what I like to do is I like to win, right? And price picks-- You love money. Money, money, money. You can save all your picks in one place. New users, get yourself a head start with price picks. Best offer yet. If you win your first $5 line-up, you're going to get $150 in line-ups. That is free money, if you ask me. Oh, yeah. And it's a very, very simple app. You simply pick two to six players across any sport. You're going against their projected stats, more or less. If they say someone's going to score two touchdowns, you're going to see if you're going to basically lay it on if you want to go more or less than that. It's that simple. It's available nationwide. And they have you back when other apps don't. When price picks injury reboot, if a player in your lineup gets injured in the first half and doesn't return, you can still cash your lineup out. Price picks injury reboot help users win over $31 million in the 2025 season. Try today because everyone and everything is on price picks. Yeah, right now all you got to do is download the price picks app today. Use the code wars with the ZWA or Z. You're going to get $150 instantly in line-ups if you win your first $5 line-up. Once again, that is the price picks app today. Download it right now and use that code wars with the Z to get $150 instantly in line-ups if you win your first $5 line-up. Price picks run your game. Hey, Story Wars. Let's thank our amazing sponsor for tonight's show. And that is the Ridge wallet power bank. We already know how much we love Ridge wallets wallets. They're absolutely amazing. They hold the cards. We've talked about them for your sleek, stylish, sit in your front pocket. It's amazing. But the power bank is my new jam. Pretty amazing. You can power anything at any time with MagSafe Wireless Charging, Lightning, and USB-C cables. It's a practical gift if you want to give it here for the holiday season. But it's absolutely amazing. Plus, they have a friends and family sale which runs October 8th through November 5th. Where if you buy two Ridge power banks, you'll get a third one for free. That's that smart Christmas. >> That is holiday shopping right there. 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Shop smart this holiday season with Ridge. >> All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Bodybrand Coffee, the company that I started not that long ago for supporting today's show. Story Warriors, look, you've tried functional coffee. You've tried these mushroom coffees. They just don't taste good. They use mushrooms as the main base ingredient. And it just doesn't, it tastes like shit. It tastes exactly what you think it's going to sound. When you hear about mushroom coffee, you're like, "Oh, that sounds fucking gross." And most of the time it is, well, guess what? We created a better functional coffee that has all of the benefits of all of the mushroom coffees you love. And more, we start with premium free trial, Colombian coffee. And we've blended in amazing ingredients like Tonkada Ali, which helps with hormonal support into testosterone. Ashwagandha, which supports mood and also supports your testosterone. Lines main mushrooms, which are great for cognitive function memory. 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Get a free gift with the promo code warsgift.wazgifte and support BodyBringCoffee today. Alex, story number six. That's better, that's good volume. Story number six. I had a bum slide up to our circle of conversation to tell us to change the music. I told him to change his life, and maybe those shitty underwares. He walked away very sad. - This is Derek, or this is Lewis? Lewis trying to sound overly fucking hood and throw it to Derek. - I don't know. - First of all, I don't know. - Yo, you got them, shit, you underwears. - Fuck you, Lewis. - I would never do that. That would be actually racist and I am not. - That's right. - You did prove that earlier. - But I'll turn it up because I am actually racist. - The slide up should be 100%. - I'm 100% voting for Derek. - I think this is Derek for sure. - I don't think it's Derek or it's you pretending to be Derek. - I don't know. - Those shitty underwears, Craig Gas votes very quickly. - Yeah, when I saw underwears, I was like, all right, what are we going to do? - But Derek's a Christian, would he talk this way to a homeless guy? - Absolutely, he goes, he killed a frog. - He gave him life advice to fix everything. - Yeah. - He was like, change your life and maybe those shitty underwears get yourself a job and the Lord will always forgive you. - Pleasant me. First of all, first tell that this is Derek. - It's a person playing music loudly in public. (laughing) - That's right. - That's so scary. - Derek didn't play, it didn't live in the hood. He was the guy in the hood playing music really loud on this thing. - Yeah, and then this guy, yeah, change your life is a Derek come back, have ever heard one. And maybe the shitty underwears is, you know, just unapologetically black. - This could be fucking Lewis. He could be. - This slide part right now. - Are you pleased? - This slide and senses. - Derek is the only one without a story too. - That doesn't matter though, I will say. - Yeah, genuinely randomly puts them in, they're all genuine. - Totally, but it's percentage wise. - But still, but still percentage is for sure. - For sure. - It's leaning towards Derek. And it is like, this is very like, you're getting roasted, like, yeah. I don't know if you-- - Alex, you're a real son of a bitch for leaving it as shitty underwears. - Yeah. (laughing) - So you have to correct black sense, please. (laughing) - I feel that I can't change a, like, a quote, you know. - Can you say this in a black sense? - I didn't see any quotes around this. And we're a big quote family here. (laughing) - Yeah, we do add S's to our shit, but I'm-- - Yeah, I'm surprised it wasn't a Z. - Greg wants for Derek, what are you-- - The shitty underwears. - What a Z? Oh, no. (laughing) - Underwears in the hood. - I'm also going to-- - Oh, it's Derek. - In a West Coast shit, it's Derek. - I think Lewis would have just been like, "Fuck you, kill yourself." Like, I don't think he would have come up with anything. - Yeah, but you want to come back and fuck my friend while I cry? (laughing) I'm gonna play a three year or two late video game system. - Well, you cry? - Yeah, if it was Lewis, it'd be, I had a bum slide up to our circle of conversation to tell us a change of music. I stabbed him into the words. - The stabbing is underwears, I'm gonna say. - Derek, what are you saying over here? I'm saying Lewis, 'cause I think you trying to fuck with me. (laughing) - Derek, he's got no passion behind this answer. Look at his face right now. - Dude, Derek, look at his hand, he's giving his spiritual speech to an intercity school. Come on, y'all through dance, y'all can get up the streets. We can save the rec center, but fuck y'all, what's this? - We can save-- - Now, we just got to get the $50,000 on this thermometer. We gotta fill in. (laughing) - Which-- (laughing) - My bullshit is for Derek Danes, everyone votes for Derek, except for Derek. Both for Lewis, a lot of these stories are obvious today, I feel like, but maybe we're wrong, Alex. - They'll be very wrong. - Oh, if this is me, this is such a play right now. Alex, cool, wow, oh, if this is me, Alex. - Are you just fantasizing about being here? (laughing) - Oh, we've seen each other before me. - Oh, you wish it was me. - Alex, whose story was story number six? - Story number six belongs to Derek. (laughing) - Yeah, I had gave you other options. I thought you was going to at least use another one, but you had an underwear and shit, that was us. That was me. We was waiting outside, we was standing in line for an NBC showcase outside the old carer lines, and it was hour number nine, and we were all irritable, very mad. So Michael Blackson pulls up his car and opens the door, unless the African shit played for a little while. Just, you know, they're bright enough spirits. (laughing) We were shit out there in the cold, trying to chase our dreams for a minute and a half or for comedy, it was completely awful. And then the bum rolls up, he was having a good time, and the mother fucking tried to dance and shit, but he smelled bad, and we was like, the fuck are you doing, dog? You can see we having a conversation. He said, "Oh, you know, I just wanna come here "and pilot tickets." He was like, "Pilot, tick a fucking shower, dog." Like, I went off nine hours in. Nine hours in, and I was like, you'll change your fucking life. He was like, "You'll change your mind. "Change and fight, he walked away to feed it. "We threw pizza at him, it was bad." (laughing) 'Cause we figured the pizza was the clemency. 'Cause, you know, we did treat him bad, but we did give him some meat. On his way off again, you know, a swift kick in the ass, and that was all me. - You gotta break it fast. - Go for it, and then build them up. There's a Marines. - Great stories. - Great talking story. (cheering and applause) It's okay. - Where do we sit? Where are our points at? - I am really behind. - As am I, don't worry about it. - Tied for fourth place with six points. Each, Lewis, Jay Gomez, and Derek Ains. - We in the hunt, Doc! It's us, baby! It's me and you, baby! (laughing) - In third place with 11 points. Craig Gas. (cheering and applause) - In second place with 14 points. - Che Doreena. (cheering and applause) - And in first place with 16 points. - And. - Big Jay, Oaker Sam. (cheering and applause) - Correct. (cheering and applause) - Still anybody's game. Two more stories. Alex, story number seven. - Story number seven. A body of mind claimed that farts are flammable, which I didn't believe. He took my lighter, took off his sweats, lifted his leg up, and squeezed out a fart. I saw a small fireball that actually flamed out before it sucked back in and burned all of his asshole hairs. - Yeah, all right, here's the thing. This rules out almost immediately, Derek and Jay. This is, this white guy's lying out for half a year. - This is white guys want to show each other their assholes and thick play. - He would wipe if I was thinking the exact same thing. - It's the truth. I've seen those worlds collide, it doesn't go good. I brought Joe DeRose and Kareem Green on a gig with me many, many years ago. And DeRose, it came out of the shower, but naked, and thought it was funny to spread his ass hole and try to make it pucker. And then he shit a little pebble on the floor. (laughing) And Kareem and him fought the entire drive back to New York City. (laughing) That's polar opposites right there. - Black guys thought I thought it was hilarious, but I understood I knew that Kareem would not find it funny, you know what I'm talking about? - Let me bring to black guy, if you can. - Let me say this, so yes, it's not Derek, but Jay is a special kind of black guy. Just like I'm a specialist at Puerto Rican, right? Normal Puerto Rican, same thing. You're not gonna do this. Jay is, he's having white. - He's a gay white. - Both of you, both of your ethnic parts of you were stabbed out of your life when you were young. (laughing) Jay, were you raised by the white people in your life? - I grew up in the suburbs of British Columbia, Canada. - Yeah, yeah, it's quite white. - This could be this dude, also a bunch of Canadians getting excited about the science of a flaming fart. Yes, Craig? (laughing) - Question, question for Jay, do you smoke? - I do smoke weed sometimes, but here's the thing. - It's just my lighter, great fucking question. - Yeah, it's great. - But it's not me, because we know this happens, we had the internet growing up. This is like non-internet knowledge. - That's a great point as well. This is an old boomer who's like, I don't believe that, you can light your fart. - Yeah. - It does, you can light your fart, there's no way. This was 1961. - Yeah. - This was Craig Gas. - Totally. - Yeah, just going to see the milking slide feels fucking old. - Can I make an argument and I'm pretty sure, because the entire time I've known Craig, I smoked weed and cigarettes and Craig never, that was never his thing, never smoking anything, never smoked weed once or cigarettes. Ever, it didn't seem to be your thing. - Booze guy, booze guy. - Love cocaine. - And cocaine also. - Love cocaine, that's funny. It's funny that when I cast-- - And by the way, anyone who had cocaine. - Yeah, it's funny that when I go to chicken, I go, did you smoke at all and he's like, yeah, but man, if you think about it, this is an old guy and he turned the whole thing back on me and I'm like, now we're greeting you guys. - It kind of worked. It kind of worked. It sounded great. - Well, I just, so I was way on to crack. I thought it was Craig, but now I'm going, this is Big J, Big J smokes like a chimney. - True. - It was a ladder on him. I smoked for years, I don't smoke. Why smoke weed so? - But I've always, I think I've known for a long time that farts are flammable for a second. - Yeah, but I mean, there was a moment where you learned that. - I feel like everybody knows that. - Well, at that time, I would have had a look. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 22 and weed when I was like 26 almost. - Yeah. - Well, I got you in the weed. - Yeah. - You smoked weed like three times for you. - So having a lighter on me wasn't like a thing I regular had at a time like this, but I think I've watched somebody light a fart on fire before. - For sure, but this is not-- - Holy shit, that trans dude is the hottest trans dude. - It's the hottest trans dude. - She's been here a lot, dude. - We've all sucked her cuck. (laughing) - You don't remember her? - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - Formerly Daniel. - It smells like cotton candy. That's what it is. - Yeah, Steve Arna. Steve Arna. - Steve Arna. the sensei. humor that Jay has and the and the group of friends he's hung out with I can see that happening with Jay and his friends. You're looking at my friends. Yeah. I'm currently lighting a fart under the table. It's funny how so many of these stories make me go back to Lewis and and big Jay, but I'm going to go with big Jay. Well, if you go with big Jay strategy, he always starts from thinking it's me and then he has to talk himself out of it working backwards. This could be Lewis for sure. I'm thinking his Craig gas, but if not Craig, it's Lewis. Fart story, gas, love your logic, Jay. Thank you. But Craig being very quick this shit, say me makes me think it's him for that reason alone. I'm going to go Craig, if it's you Lewis, I'm going to be so bummed out, but I don't care. You're getting your ass kicked in this game. If it is, Jay, by the way, man, you know what? I kind of hope it is you. I mean, dude, if it's me and everyone doesn't vote for me right now, I'm, I'm two points below you. Then you know what? Then I'm angry. I'm feeling this moment right now. I'm rooting for you. But then if it works out for you, then I'll, I'll be full of resentment. I'm feeling bad that I can't change my answer. I want to change it back to Jay, but can't. Yeah, Craig or Jay, Craig or Jay, not the black people. This is not the behavior of black people. The only thing I was drunk white shit. I was way in for Craig, but you are. So Jay, let me ask you a question. Sure. You said Craig never was a lighter. Why did you end voting for Craig anyway? Because I smoked pot and I forgot that I gave that whole real reason to not vote for Craig. Do you believe that's the real answer? That's the truth. I just was like, Oh, yeah. Why would Craig have maybe did smoke when he was younger though? I hope I'm going big. Oh, shit. I wouldn't be Lewis. You can have wasted that much time. No, I'm sorry. Everybody's in story number seven belongs to Craig Gas. Fucking. You nailed me when you said that is some. I'm getting my ass. I was the one who fucking came up with the Craig theory. I turned you away from Craig. I was hanging out with a buddy of mine. Yeah. And I used to smoke weed for a year before I discovered cocaine. I went, does anybody know how great cocaine is? Like I do. And I was hanging out with a buddy of mine. And he was like, yeah, you can lie far as I go. You can't really lie far as I go. You didn't know. He goes, here, give me a lighter. And I was smoking weed time. I had my lighter. And he was wearing these sweats. And he took the sweats off. He's in the fruit of the loons. And he lifted his legs up. And he was like, look, and he was trying to push. And then all of a sudden a little flames. And then it just sucked up and burned his entire ass hair up. And I was like, whoa. It's one of the coolest things I've ever seen. This day. Great story. Fire. After seven stories, Alex, what are our scores? Ah, man. Alright. Back in last place with six points. Lewis, Jay Gomez. Afterhood, nigga. I'm out of here. I mean, I've gotten last place maybe once in the history of the game. I'm okay with it. I don't even give a shit really. I just got my kids there. He's pounding. He's pounding again. He's pounding again. Alex. In fourth place with ten points, Derek Gaines. Right on. Way to come back. Double digits. We back. Came in the double digits. We doing all right. Fuck it. In third place with thirteen points. Craig Gas. In second place with eighteen points. Chaturina. Let's go. And in first place with twenty points. Big Jay Ogerson. It could be one of them nights. I could be walking home with the elephant man by Bernard Poorn at Pomerance. You know, longing for the ordinary life he can never have. Merrick faces his fate with remarkable grace and humanity. After ultimately creating a new life for himself, John Merrick is remembered not as a spectacle, but as a man. Fire. He's not an animal. He's a man. He's a man. He's a man. He's a man who told Michael Jackson bought his bones. Yeah, Michael Jackson bought his bones and fuck kids on him. Yeah. Wow. One more story. Are you guys ready for your final story of the night, guys? Come on. Come on to your fabulous show. The show is always great. This is it. Final story. I can't win Alex's story number eight. I once had to become a beach bum and sleep on the beach after doing ecstasy at a concert. It's Craig or Lewis. What about Chase? Actually, this could be this could be a derrick getting fucked up, but a Jones Beach concert or something. No, it could be. No, I don't think there's an ecstasy man. I'll take ecstasy. I will. I will take ecstasy. Yeah, I do like I do like ecstasy. But why would I be at a beach? What? I lived in Canada and the New York on the beach. You travel. You're a professional community. You travel the world over. You're going to Australia in a month. They got beaches over there. There are no beaches everywhere. Yeah, but I didn't think it was Chey until this whole weird angle. Why would anyone use sand by like the sea? No, dude. No, like this is doing going to a concert for what? I'm not a music guy. What does it sense me? I hate music and I hate the beach. I never heard the beach and I don't like music. My least favorite band, The Beach Boys. Oh my God. Talk about it. I get fucking shivers. Chase saying that with his hair ready for a concert and the beach. It's crazy, dude. You are built to give bitches their groove back right after a fucking new edition reunion. Yeah, I mean, Chey. Now I thought it was totally Craig for sure. Without a doubt, I thought it was Craig. No, it's not me. I don't do ecstasy. I did ecstasy two or three times and I was bummed that it never gave me. You were beach bummed. I was beach bummed that it never gave me the buzz that I heard other people talking about. It just didn't do it for me. I liked it. You never go to good buzz from ecstasy. I never got a good buzz from ecstasy. Me neither. But I only did it a handful of times too. So it wasn't. It just wasn't my thing. But this is like, this is a fucking hot guy got his assy in front of HBO Max Pass. This is like you're out there with your friends and hot girls. You did ecstasy all night. It was one of the best lengths of your life. This is like a fucking hot girl story. This is so, yeah. This is him and his girls. They had the best land of their fucking life. Oh my god. I can't even imagine how amazing it was. Yeah, bro. I'm glad you think so highly of me, Louis. That's great. You're selling you a train to arena. Yeah. Look at him. He's reminiscing about the night right now, dude. Yeah. He's being brought up. I'm like, I would know if Louis slept on a beach back. Yeah, dude. He went to go see BTS with his gay friends. Yeah, hopped up on fucking Korean dynamite. Sleep on the beach back then, man. I mean, I can't, I can't win. But I feel like I'm leading the charge here. I'm going to go. Chey. I'll get the voting going. I can't imagine it being anybody else. If it was Louis would be like our similar boots on the beach, freedom to this could be Louis. This could be Louis. Yeah, dude. I ate bath salts on it. Fuck everyone's vote. Shit. Shit. It's not going to work, Chey. It was you. No, I did. Chey's bum because Chey was. I was in striking distance. I smelled it on you once. I smelled it on you again. I know when it's you, dude. It's so obviously, Chey. How could I not get home? Well, Jake, there's ubers. Everything exists now. This is old man story again. They're kind of old man story again. I'm doing extra. I'm a concert. Yeah. I'm just homing away. God damn it. Chey. You're selling me hard. I'm going. Greg gas. Yeah. It's me. It's me. He's taking the stink off of him. They're good. They're so nice. Let me say what I think just happened. Go ahead. Go ahead. I really believe it's Chey and I think Chey just but fuck Jay out of the victory. Yeah. Dude, I think I think Jay would have was in str- maybe this is my prediction. Jay was in striking distance. Of all he had of winning the game. If he voted for Chey, it was a guaranteed fucking victory. And I don't have to, I don't know the [BLANK_AUDIO] -I don't play like that, dude. I just play with my heart. [ Laughter ] -All Jay had to do this. -I don't play a numbers game, baby. If I lose, I lose. I believe it's Craig. -All Jay had to do is like, "Look at how old the guy is." -Yeah, look at that. -It was crazy. He was on an act to see his phone died. Obviously, he was having the greatest-- -He was a Nokia. -Of course it died. -He was the concept of a beach bummer's an old man thing. -Peace bummer. -Peace bummer's a brand. Negate show in the photo. [ Laughter ] -It could be anyone. What a great end of the game. Who knows whose story this is? Alex, final story. Who had to become a beach bummer? -Watch it be, Lewis. -Oh, if it's me, it'd be great. [ Laughter ] Oh, if it's "Dare Games," it's wild. [ Laughter ] -Story number eight. -Oh, my God. -She's excited. -Belongs, too. Chaterina. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, man, shit. That was a moment. Shit, get it. [ Cheers and applause ] -Let's go! -Oh, we shit. Want to play? [ Cheers and applause ] One of the top plays in Story Wars history. Jay, tell us this story, or did I fucking nail it? -No, yeah, yeah. So it was-- I was living in Plato, Carmen, Mexico, and I went to go to Steve Aoki concert. And then it was-- That's not a concert. It was on New Year's Eve, and so I like the only-- the cabs get back home were crazy expensive. And so me and a buddy, we just fucking slept on the beach in Mexico the entire time, yeah. And then we got up the next day, ate breakfast, and then made our way home. Yeah, it was fucking sick. -Amazing. Amazing. -You got me. -You got me. -You got me. -You definitely got me. -You got me. -You got me. -This woman's shitter pants with disbelief. [ Laughter ] Alex, I genuinely don't know who won, but I think I do. Alex, give us our final scores. -All right, tied for fourth place with 10 points each. Lewis, Jay Gomez, and Derek Gaines. [ Cheers and applause ] -Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. -In third place with 17 points, Craig Gass. [ Cheers and applause ] -In second place with 20 points, big Jay Oakerson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Wow. Wow. As close as I am the homeless, I was to winning this game. -And your winner tonight with 22 points. -22 points. -Chadrina. [ Cheers and applause ] -Your newest story warrior, everybody. Chadrina, you now have the privilege. Go on, give it to 'em. -Double boy! [ Cheers and applause ] -Yes! -Chadrina is your newest story warrior. Welcome to the family, my friend. Thank you so much for doing the show. Thank you so much for telling great stories. I have a big round of applause for our entire panel. Everybody, the great Derek Gaines. [ Cheers and applause ] Watch good, them available on Toobie right now. Make sure you check out the beard on the weirdo, Craig Gass and Chris Kale. [ Cheers and applause ] And of course, your newest story warrior, Chadrina, one more time. Check out the Goon. Two Goon's podcasts. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you guys for being here and selling us out again for story wars on Big Jay Oakerson. -I'm Luis de Gomez. -And till next time, peace. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]