Chapter XI: Then there were 3 victims

Trauma. It's a word that you've probably heard thrown around quite a bit. But what is trauma really? My name is Shana White. Being called me Shana, I'm a psychologist and defining trauma is a pretty big part of my day to day life. But my job goes beyond providing a dictionary description of what trauma is, because that's just the tip of the iceberg, as they say. No, my job is to define trauma, to highlight its impacts, and most importantly, to help those who've lived through it to figure out how to thrive beyond it. I've spent years working with children, adolescents and adults trying to guide them through the process of recovering from complex trauma. Needless to say, I've seen and heard a lot. And now, you will too. But first, a trigger warning. This podcast deals with some pretty heavy topics, including domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, crimes against children, self-harm, sexual abuse, multi-generational trauma and suicide. If you don't think you're in the right headspace to deal with any of these topics right now, please cut yourself some slack, take a deep breath and come back another day. I'll be here. I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians and elders on all the lands on which we work and meet. I appreciate the significant place Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders hold, and I identify them as the first Australians. I value and celebrate Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander history, culture and future, and I'm committed to supporting reconciliation through speaking the truth, pursuing justice, and creating opportunities to heal together. I pay my deep respects to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander elders past and present, and acknowledge all Aboriginal children, young people, families and staff who I provide services to now and in the future. I embrace and commit to the spirit of work and self-determination, empowerment and reconciliation. What are two of a three-part series? Over the years, the violence and the abuse got worse. What sort of happened at its worst? I guess for me, I thought, "Okay, I almost died." He's going to pull his act together. I like him. It's wife. I've got a kid now. He's going to pull his act together, but he didn't. I left that hospital and the abuse started straight away as soon as we got home. What happened? He just would verbally attack me, physically attack me. He wouldn't hold the baby. Every time I asked him why he wouldn't hold him, he said, "I can't talk about it. It's got to do with my past." I became a single mum overnight. Everything was my responsibility. Absolutely everything. Then, years on, then it started getting really, really, really bad. Our bills started parling up. We started having debt collectors, sending us things in the mail. I started waking up to have him strangle me in my sleep. Wait, sorry. Was he asleep or was he awake? It was awake. He would wake until you were asleep and then he would start strangling you. Yeah, in my sleep. What? Sorry, my first instinct is to go wide, but of course you don't know the answer to that. That must have been terrifying. Yeah, it was. I think it was really terrifying because of the TV show that he was watching as well. It's a difference between a TV show and then it happened to you in your bed. I'm still unsure why, why, really. I really am, but I think it did get worse from there. So Seth and then I've actually had another baby in that time frame, Malachi. Now I'm not allowed to see the children at all. You're own children. You went on a ladder to see them. Yeah. You lived in the same house? Yeah. So he locked the babies in a different bedroom and took the door handles off and they went aloud out and I was allowed in. So who took care of the babies? Yeah, that's the sad bit. No body. Oh my God. Yeah. So I was locked in a different room and was starved and so were the kids. They were fed the bare minimum kind of situation, but it was really bad. And how old was Seth at this time? So Seth was just turning three and what actually happened, which was really quite bizarre to me, was when Seth turned two, he came to me and said, "Seth no longer a baby. He's a man now." And he took away the cot, the teddies, everything and then the trauma, like if he if Seth did something bad, the punishment would be treated like you were a man. So I remember he was hung up upside down and put in a cold shower. The baby was Seth was. Yeah. He was too. Yeah. So he tortured him? Yeah. Yeah. Strangled him. I remember seeing that. I remember them being locked in cages if they were really bad. Cages. Yeah. And you all the time you're locked away yourself, you can't get out. Yeah. Sometimes he'd bring me out to watch, but I was never allowed to play with the children. I remember this one time he was he wasn't at home and so I took the kids out to play with them. I wanted to play with my children, you know, I wanted to put them on the cabalina or whatnot. And he came home and he's like, "What are you doing?" And I'm like playing with the kids and he's like, "No." And he put them back away and I remember I got, I got, built it up real bad for it, but I think the worst one that I think always stay with me was when he, oh, this one's hard. When he put Seth in a filing cabinet. And I could just hear him screaming and I went out, I was like, "I don't care, forget Bashedop or what." I just need to get this kid out of this filing cabinet because he couldn't physically fit in. And yes, I went up and I got him out and then got completely bashed up from him. How I was Seth then. So he wasn't, he couldn't fit in that filing cabinet so he would have been three and a half. I remember him trying to like shut the freaking filing cabinet and kept on telling him, "He's not going to be able to breathe if you do that." So it was the most horrendous scream I've ever heard in my life. So this one on for years? Yeah, you did. How did you get it out? So what actually happened was so rent inspections for me were trigger for a very long time because of this. But basically what happened was there was a rent inspection. And I remember like he was a gamer, like he would just always play on games and stuff in his own little reality world kind of thing. And I went to him and I said, "I need your help to clean the house." Now what I haven't mentioned but I'll mention now is when I would wake up in the morning, I would have a schedule. And I don't mean just a cleaning schedule. I mean like a day of Daniel's life schedule. So you know, 6am wake up, 610 go to the toilet, 615 shower, 620 do this. It just was like very micro managed. So when I went to him, he was like, "Why are you bothering me?" Kind of situation. Almost like I was his slave, you know? And he would say to me also like, "If you don't do these tours, I can't reward you with buying you some clothes." So there was that as well. So he would burn my clothes if I didn't do chores. And if I was really good, he would burn me clothes. He would burn your clothes if he didn't do chores. This episode of The Trauma Tales is brought to you by Dr. Olga Laval and associates, award winning providers of psychological services, including telehealth and phone consultations, empowering people to make meaningful changes to their lives. For more information, please go to www.olga-laval.com. Sorry, yeah, so how did you get out? So basically, yeah, so then we got into a fight. And right in front of the two children, he pushed me into a wall and strangled me straight up. There was no like time to scream, time to breathe, nothing. He just grabbed it. And I'm looking new in his eyes. And it was just very different this time. It was like, it was not there. And I would say, I'm going to die. And I remember with my eyes looking over at the kids just trying to get a glance of their faces and thinking, this is the last time I'm going to see my kids. And then I blacked out. He dropped me on the floor thinking I was dead. And he didn't check on my heart, right, or anything. And I remember hearing this voice say to me, you have to leave. This is real. This is really happening. And you need to take the kids and never return. I remember hearing that voice very clearly. And that was really significant for me because I had come up with the conclusion from what he had told me. He would hurt me. And then he would say, why? Why are you upset? And I'd be like, you just hurt me. And he'd be like, no, I didn't. That's in your head. That must be from your childhood. So I had come up with this thing, holy crap, like something's wrong with my brain. I need to go have a brain scan because I think this person is violently hurting me. So when I'm laying on the floor dead pretty much. And I hear that voice say to me, it is real. And it is happening. And you need to leave with the kids and never return. I was like, whoa, you know? Wow. I. There is nothing to say. Yeah, it was horrendous. It was really hard. I'm so sorry. Anyway, so for me, people say, well, why did you leave? Like, right? Like if you were in a natural circumstance, you would be like, well, because they try telling you, right? But for me, that's not the reason that made me come off aeroplane mode and go holy crap. What am I in right now? And I believe that this shocks a lot of professionals when I say this. But for me, the reason why I left that day was because he didn't check on my heart rate. And it made me realize if you really loved me, like you said you do, wouldn't you check on my heart rate? Wouldn't you see if I'm actually alive? So you still had hope that you loved you? You just had to kill you and you still wanted him to love you. Yep. Yep. So for me, that was my point. Like everybody has, like I've spoken to many survivors and they're like, oh, it was this or it was this. But for me, it was that you didn't check on my heart rate. So how can you love someone that you're not even willing to see if they're alive or not? And I remember when I was laying on that floor, hearing my little kids footprint, like their little patterns going, bam, and screaming really loud because they saw it. And they would have been tiny. Yeah. I don't know what he did with them at that point because I was gone by that point. But when I came to, I couldn't hold onto a wall or anything. I couldn't see my, I had blurred vision. I couldn't breathe properly. I bruising all through my neck. It's a miracle that I'm alive. It really is. Yeah, it really is. But then he was just like looking to my eyes, looking to my eyes, looking to my eyes. And for the first time ever, I said, well, I couldn't speak, but I said to my head, do not look into his eyes. So I wouldn't. And then it's crazy to think back now. So then I drove him to work. I don't know how. I don't know how because I had blurred vision and everything. I'm surprised we're all still here today. I dropped him off at the train station and even still he's like looking to my eyes, looking to my eyes, looking to my eyes. Now I knew he had a brand new job so he couldn't stick around too long. Right. So now I've started getting tactical and strategic, right? So I didn't look and I waited until we got to that point where he's like, shit, I'm going to be late for work. I got to go. And I remember him dropping the keys and then me going like just in the car just thinking, oh my god, what do I do? Now my children, okay, were so traumatized that they never cried ever for anything, right? So in my head, I thought I had the most amazing children, right? Like I just had these great children that never cried, right? No, I'm just sitting in the car. It's complete silence. I take them to a park because I think I need to just work out what I'm doing and I sit at this park and I just sit there for ages and the thing that goes through my head is do I go back home and finish the rent inspection so we don't get kicked out of our home and die because I knew that I would die the next time. I knew it. Yeah. Or do I tell someone, and possibly get help? And so I called my sister that day. Now, my family had suspicions that something really bad was happening because instead of hiding it away, he started acting out in front of lots of different people. He started acting out, you know, when we had people over our house, he started acting out at family events. Like he would be like really aggressive to Seth and everyone's like, what are you doing? Like, you know, he started not hiding it anymore and just being really nasty. And so I told my sister and what I haven't mentioned is I wasn't allowed to speak to any of my family members. I hadn't heard from them in two years because one of them, one of my auntie called type protection and said, I think Danny Ols in domestic violence. I think the children are at risk. And in my head, I'm like, why would you do that? I'm not in domestic violence. Why would you bring attention to it? I'll get in trouble for it. I don't know because I didn't think I was in domestic violence at all because he had screwed with my brain that much that I thought it was all in my head. Yeah, that's right. Every last bit. Okay. It even got to a point where I remember going to a women's refuge for a friend that had just come out of domestic violence and need literally going, there, there, you poor thing. I can't imagine what you're going through. Oh, and I was literally going through the same thing. That is how far I mean some of these women can be and people were like, why wouldn't you just leave? Why wouldn't you just leave? You don't even realize what you're in. You got no clue. Yeah, you're gone. You're trapped out from society massively. But you did leave. I did. I actually did leave. Yeah, I did. I did. I did. I went to a women's refuge and everything. I remember going to the police station and them crying. And I was like, why are the police crying? That's so weird. You know, like, it's not even a big deal because still at this point, I'm not thinking it's a huge deal. I'm thinking, let's scare him enough so he stops acting like this. Right. I'm thinking I'm going to return. I just need to scare him a bit. So anyway, I tell the police everything. It's like word vomit. Four years of word vomit comes flying out. The police start crying and tell me that this man is going away for a very long time to jail. And I say, oh my god, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm saying this from any woman that has been in domestic violence, you are scared, shitless of what they will do to you if you report them, right? Like your life is that huge danger. And I thought, oh my God, what if he's locked away for like 20 years, right? And then he comes out, he's going to be even more angry than what he is now. Yeah. And so I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you can't do that. Now back when I went to the police station, there was no social worker for domestic violence. So no one spoke to me about my rights or what maybe I'm in or anything in that regard. And you had every right to say, I don't want to charge him for any of it and the police couldn't make you. So they said, well, let's just charge him for aggressive behaviour, which was strangulation because they could see the bruising all through my neck. And back then before the bill was recently passed, strangulation and sophistication was aggressive behaviour if it was to a partner. So this was blows my mind about like the loss because because we were partnering up or knew each other, it was aggressive behaviour. But if he had strangled someone on the main street, that's attempted murder. Well, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, that's why the bills have been passed and everything. That is the reason. That's ridiculous. Well, I think it's even further ridiculous that sophistication and strangulation weren't actually attempted murder like regardless. Like the bill has just been passed. Oh my God. This episode of The Trauma Tales is brought to you by cognitive behavioural education, providing training and supervision for people working with people who experience trauma. If you work with people, you know how challenging it could be sometimes and how you can end up having the wrong end of someone's day or having to deal with their trauma. CBE's training and supervision services can upskill and support you and your team to manage, deescalate and thrive in these situations. For more information, go to www.cbe.net.au. So that's what happened. I got a restraining order and the police couldn't find me for a while because I was with a friend hiding out and they were really scared. But, you know, police call you on a private numbed-out ride. You don't answer that. You're not answering that. It's calling you, right? Yeah. So I was an answering. I finally answered. They said, listen, where are you? We need to take you to a women's refuge now. And I'm like, what's going on? And they're like, we'll tell you once we get you somewhere safe. And they will really like firm with me. And it turns out he had a tracking on my car. He had tracking on my phone. He had previously been in another domestic violence situation. And that's actually why he left that state really quickly with me. When he was 16, he'd already been known to the police for domestic violence. That's why he left. Yeah. And people would have been thinking, get ready to pass. Oh my god. Yeah. I know. Why you should mind, doesn't it? Yeah. And the police look at him like a psychopath. They've got a. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's um, literally as you're, as you're going through these. Because he didn't get you. He'll get the third one and she will die. And I said, well, can't you stop it, you know? Now, for years and years and years, I went to psychologists and I'm like, just let me write her a letter. I need to write her a letter. I need to warn her. And for years and years, I'd say to me, would you have listened to the letter? You know, because he told me, he told me once that there was this girl that he was with. And she would bash him. They always fucking say that. Oh my god. They always say that. They always accuse the woman of being the abuser. Like that is such bullshit. Yeah. And so, you know, I came to the conclusion that I was like, oh my gosh, you know, they're right. Even though I don't want them to be right, because I want to save this girl's life, right? I can't. And I have to let it go. And it was, it was hard. That was a really hard thing to do. Yeah. Oh my god. But yeah. So we're in the women's refuge now. And Seth starts acting like a complete, like possessed child, right? Yeah. And I'm like, what the heck is going on with Seth? He's normally so quiet. He never speaks. You know, rar, rar, rar. And they're like, because he feels safe for the first time in his life. He is showing his feelings and letting it all out. And I may be let it all out. Oh my god. There's poor babies. And then Malachi started speaking for the very first time. We just thought I thought he was like a slow speaker. But you know, he was just so scared to move. Like his, his brother saved his life one day when it was 40 degrees heat. And they were locked in that room. And they could not breathe at all. And he got this McQueen car and he smashed it through the window so that they could survive. Oh my god. Kids are very smart. And like, and he was like, what, two and a half back then. And his baby brother. Within a car. So the police took you and found that he was. And then they sat me down and they said everything. And then child protection came. And then they said to me, I used to think about going back. And I said no. And they said, well, I'm a weird glad you said no. Otherwise we'd be taking in children right now. I'm like, right. Okay. And then that's where it kind of like clicked into play for me that I wasn't going to go back. And back then we had little SIM cards. Sorry. Taking it out of its phone and cracking it. So that he wasn't able to contact me anymore. And in that time, he was contacting me even at the women's refuge. And parming me off money. And that's what they do. They're like, oh, you need money though. You need money though. So they'll like, they'll like to catch you anyway they can. Yeah. To keep the communication going. Oh my god. It's yeah. So what does he have it? Does he see the voice at all now? Like when was this? It's probably nine, nine years ago now. So basically, I went to court and the restrain. And he tried to restrain the restraining order. He tried. He tried contesting the restraining order, which most of them apparently tried to do. And the magistrate literally threw it back out of court straight away and said, there's no way you were ever getting to see these children again. How dare you even think that. And you're going to have to fight real hard. to be a sponsor of the show or to come onto the show. please email the trauma tales or one word all [email protected]. This podcast is a production of Shanawhites' psychology.