Chapter XI: Living in the Truman show

Trauma. It's a word that you've probably heard thrown around quite a bit. But what is trauma really? My name is Shana White. Being called me Shana, I'm a psychologist and defining trauma is a pretty big part of my day to day life. But my job goes beyond providing a dictionary description of what trauma is, because that's just the tip of the iceberg, as they say. No, my job is to define trauma, to highlight its impacts, and most importantly, to help those who've lived through it to figure out how to thrive beyond it. I've spent years working with children, adolescents and adults trying to guide them through the process of recovering from complex trauma. Needless to say, I've seen and heard a lot. And now, you will too. But first, a trigger warning. This podcast deals with some pretty heavy topics, including domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, crimes against children, self-harm, sexual abuse, multi-generational trauma and suicide. If you don't think you're in the right headspace to deal with any of these topics right now, please cut yourself some slack, take a deep breath and come back another day. I'll be here. I would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians and elders on all the lands on which we work and meet. I appreciate the significant place Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders hold, and I identify them as the first Australians. I value and celebrate Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander history, culture and future, and I'm committed to supporting reconciliation through speaking the truth, pursuing justice, and creating opportunities to heal together. I pay my deep respects to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander elders past and present, and acknowledge all Aboriginal children, young people, families and staff who I provide services to now and in the future. I embrace and commit to the spirit of work and self-determination, empowerment and reconciliation. That one of the three-part series. Hi everybody, welcome back to the trauma tales. Today we have Danielle with us. Hi Danielle, how are you? Yeah, I'm good, thank you. How are you? I'm really, really well. So Danielle, can you tell me about a time in your life where you experienced trauma? Oh, I actually grew up with domestic violence all around me. So it was more of a natural feeling for myself, unfortunately. And then I moved into it into teenage years and met a guy online who was the first one that ever gave me red roses and like he delivered them to me. A lot of people thought it was weird and would warn me off. And say like this is a normal, like this is strange. But because I didn't understand, you know, like boundaries and I didn't understand anything really because I didn't really grow up with a mum and dad to show me what love was and boundaries and respect and stuff. So I just kind of went off with what I was feeling at the time, which was, oh my gosh, someone actually cares about me. So you'd come from a traumatic childhood. And how old were you and you met this person? I was 16. Oh, okay, so you're a baby yourself. Yeah, I was a baby. And then this person's come along and like promised you the world and been really nice to you. And that was not something you'd experienced before. And then then what happened? So you're 16? Yeah, so I'm 16 and I'm kind of finding my own feet like I was homeless at the age of 15. So I'm still trying to find my, you know, my ground level, my wavelength. And then, so he lived in a different state. So it was like long distance, but never met this human. And then he actually had a massive car accident. So I flew over to go meet him and see him. And then within like meeting him, I knew like, oh, I don't. I'm not physically attracted to this person. There's no spark. There's no nothing but kind of like push through that anyway. Because I just, I wanted to settle. I just wanted somebody to love me and care for me. So I didn't even care who it was or what they looked like. I was just excited to have that feeling for the first time. And then two days later, he turned around and said, I'm moving back with you. Oh, yeah. First intense. At that moment, I was like, oh my gosh, he knows what he was. You know, and thought it was like the most romantic thing. And you're still 16. You're still a baby. Yeah. Same age. Right. Yeah. And so like all my friends are like, no, this is weird. This is bizarre. Like you're going to have this human live in your house. And yeah. So he moved with me. It sort of say to convince you because you said you weren't totally sold on you. What did he kind of say to convince you to? I think it was just more of that. I had no freaking choice by that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting one. Like I think back now, even just in my mindset back then. And I think I just didn't even understand fully what was going on even in my entire life. Because I grew up with a lot of trauma. And at one point, I actually remember saying to a psychologist growing up as a young teen that I believed that in my mind that nobody was actually real in my life. So I came to a point where the trauma was so bad that to protect my mind, I would actually convince myself that everyone around me were actors. And I wasn't going to get hurt or, you know, I didn't have to feel like someone's rejected me or whatever. I'll die even. So I never felt grief or anything because I just assumed that they had left the TV show. And I was the only one that didn't know about it. Okay. So we call that de-realization. It's where you don't believe things around you are actually real and authentic. And I try to explain it to people like it's almost like you feel like you're living in the matrix. So exactly how you're describing it, like the Truman show. Yeah. So you would, you had de-realization disorder. Yeah. Absolutely. Like I would sit back and I would watch like a lady with a prayer. And I would think, Oh, I wonder how much she got paid to do, you know, do that. And, you know, people would jump in and out of my life. And I'd be like, Oh, wouldn't that be so fun for the TV show if we did this? And so I started like playing with it a bit because I was like, Oh, they know that they don't know that I know. It's so you start doing things up. You normally wouldn't even do in life. And I started being quite dangerous with my life, which was a bit dangerous. Now that I look back, I'm like, yep, that wasn't a good idea, Danny. What sort of things were you doing? I was meeting up with guys off the internet and going to like, like, skyline, like groups and stuff. So we would jump in skylines and we would just like drive places. And then I would be going to raves like in the middle of the bush. And they would be like, the helicopters and the police would come and raid the whole place. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So I got into some like nasty stuff and never did drugs because I saw how how it messed up my life, like as my family life. My sister turned to drugs and I turned to life was the reality TV show. Yeah. So you both developed really unhelpful coping mechanisms. So yeah, this guys come into your life and you know, promised you the world and decided he was moving in with you. What happened when he did move him with you? Yeah. Sorry. How long have you known each other then? Maybe a mile. Maybe. If I'm lucky. And yeah, it moved really quickly. All my friends deserted me. At that time, I was like, I don't understand why I understand now because after everything happened, like years on, they came back to me and told me that he gave them the creeps and I couldn't handle it. Yeah. But at that time, I was really lonely and really upset that my friends had deserted me because what I felt like is my entire life, everybody had rejected me. So I would would let somebody in and then they would reject me. And so that was like my whole life, like whether I was going to a counselor or a psychologist, you know, I'd let it out and then they'd just vanish out of nowhere and I'm like, oh, seriously, part of the TV show. So, yeah. It just became that life for me. This episode of The Trauma Tales is brought to you by Dr. Olga Laval and associates, award-winning providers of psychological services, including telehealth and phone consultations, empowering people to make meaningful changes to their lives. For more information, please go to www.olgalaval.com. Yeah, wow. So he's come over here. It's like, oh, it's like almost textbook, like he's just love Bomji and then everyone's sort of abandoned, well not necessarily abandoned, you kind of moved away from you. So you've become really isolated really quickly. You haven't really got a family system behind you to support you. So he's literally got you at your weakest with no resources. Yeah. And he knew all about my life because what do you do when you meet someone that you connect with? You know, you just slide let it all out and let them know. So he knew that before we even met, which means, you know, he found me at my weakest point. Yeah. And wow, then what happened? It's like a story isn't it? It is. So then after that, he, I felt pregnant. But I didn't know I was pregnant. So I was working in childcare at the time and everybody was getting really sick with the G word. I don't like saying it because it's like horrendous. It's another thing. Yeah. I know what you're talking about. We all know what we're talking about. But mine didn't go away. And so I went to the hospital and they rushed me straight through and I remember turning to the perpetrator and saying, oh my god, I've got something worse than what we thought because what hospital rushes you straight through away? And I remember this lady, you know, that, you know, those textbook doctors that, you know, think you're lying and come straight to the point. And I remember her ripping open the curtain going. The reason why you're vomiting is and I remember her clapping her hands and everything and being your pregnant. And me just crying my eyes out of nowhere. So almost like she was happy for you. Like she thought she was delivering good news. No, like she was like, you know, like you've come in faking that you don't know what's going on. Right. Yeah. It wasn't 10. So when you heard that, when you heard her go, your pregnant, what was your first thought? I was excited. I was happy. I wasn't scared. I was 17. But I wasn't like, oh my god, this is the worst thing ever. Like I don't know. Like I had just assumed like I was happy. But again, I couldn't connect with my emotions, right? Like I didn't have that connection with my like physical body. I'm guessing that's why I didn't actually know I was even pregnant because I was there, but I wasn't there. I was still on airplane mode all the way through this happening. So that's such an interesting way to put it. Like when you go into that survivor space, it is. It's like airplane mode. You the functions aren't really, you just get the bare minimum. Yeah, I get the bare minimum. So I'm doing life, but I actually don't know what I'm participating in. I don't know what I'm signing up for. Like I don't have that regulation of what's actually going on around me. Yeah, wow. So at this point, you've been together like a year or so? Yeah. Yeah. And had he physically hurt you at this point, or was it all that coercive sort of stuff? Yeah, no, no, no, we were fighting like cats and dogs. Like it was intense. I was about to break up with him because I was like, this is too much. Like we just can't get along. There'd be a push and a shaft here and there. A bit of throwing things, but like, you know, nothing I wasn't used to like growing up. So I was like, it is what it is, but I was more like, if we're gonna keep fighting like this, we're obviously not meant to be kind of thing. But when I realized I was pregnant, that changed everything in my mindset. That was like, oh my god, you know. And so they sent us off for an ultrasound and I was actually four months pregnant. Oh my god. Wow. That's yeah. I was like eight weeks pregnant when I found out and I thought that was a lot. Four months, you were disconnected, weren't you? Yeah, I was like, I didn't feel like, you know, your boobs hurting. I didn't feel like, you know, your periods me saying like, I mean, I was really disconnected to my body and it's only recently that I have actually gained that connection back with my body and understand what's going on with it. Yeah. It's amazing how that happens. Like there's these these books that I talk about all the time. And I talked about it in season one and one of them is called the body keeps the score. You might have heard of it. It talks about the relationship between the mind and the body and what what happens when we experience trauma and how we become just so disconnected from our own body. We don't understand. We don't even know that we're hungry. Like we just don't we don't sleep. We don't eat. We just we don't understand how to regulate maintain homeostasis when we're sitting in trauma and when it's prolonged, it's so physically damaging. And the other one is the body remembers. They're really, really good. So if you get a chance to grab them, they're awesome. Yeah, I definitely will. Like I've been actually speaking to women recently. Like that have you know read my book. And they're like I think I'm on that aeroplane thing and they were freaking out because they had just come off aeroplane move for the first time in years. And when that happens, you do freak out because like what happened to me is I woke up and I was like, Oh my god, I'm a mom. And oh my god, I'm married. And what the heck where do I live? And everything, it's almost like you come off like you know, you've been in coma, you've been in a coma. Yeah. And out of nowhere, you wake up and you're like, this is my life now. And you start processing things and it's really traumatic and really quite a difficult thing to do. Absolutely. Yeah, it's really difficult. Yeah, I was talking to a woman who was telling me about how she had endometriosis. And she was living in domestic violence. And we as we sort of talked through it, she started to identify that her endometriosis would get extremely bad at certain times when in the cycle of violence, it was almost like her body started tuning into the cycle of violence before she did. And she, it was funny. She actually said, because she would get so bad she'd have to go to the hospital. And she was like, maybe it was my body trying to wave a red flag and get me into help. It would give me a break, like going to hospital would give her a break. And she said that maybe it was, you know, because she's sitting in front of doctors and you know, people are doing stuff and asking you questions. And she's like so many times I lay there and thought, maybe I should say something, maybe I should say something. She's like, maybe my body was actually forcing me in front of people. And I was like, that's so fascinating how when your brain shuts off your body kind of would take over. It was just, yeah, it's extremely fascinating because when I was in the women's refuge, like all of us were together and all of us would be like, and you know, like was anybody else's period like the weirdest thing ever? Like they just would not stop. And I believe that that's your body, like trying to protect yourself, like, oh, you know, you can't have sex because like your period just, you know, keeps on going. And my hair was falling out in chunks. Like I was very concerned about my, like, you know, just my life. And I was like, maybe I should go, Dr. like, why did you have fall out in chunks, you know, all of them said the same thing, you know, exactly the same thing. And like, you lose weight dramatically. Like people be like, oh my gosh, you're way too skinny, you know, when stress does that to you, it just like literally chucks it straight back off you. Yeah, absolutely. So, sorry, well, we digress. We'll go back to what happened next. You found out you were falling on the front. I'm pregnant, told my mom, nobody at this point really knew what was, I suppose, going on until Christmas time, we went, we went to the shops. And this is when he physically hurt me for the first time. He grabbed me in the middle of cross line shopping center. I remember exactly where it was. Because we went agreeing on a present for one of my family members. And he grabbed me, his hands on my shoulders. and he violently head-botted me with his head. - In the show? - In the middle of the show, Mingsana. - My God. - Yeah. - And you were pregnant? - I was heavily pregnant by that stage, yeah. I was about six months pregnant. - Danielle, what happened next? - I freaked out and ran and told my mom and my nanor at that time. And somehow I don't know what he said to them, but he got them alone and then suddenly they were like, fine with everything. And this man, when he can get people alone and look dead in their eyes, he can just convince you to whatever needs to be said. - We can convince you this day. - Yeah, many times, yeah, many times. So then I'm guessing it escalated. - Yeah, so from there on, you know, we got married while I was pregnant. And I remember my sister and my mom saying, you don't have to marry him just because you're pregnant. And I remember straight away saying, I am not going to be a single mom with a kid. This episode of The Trauma Tales is brought to you by Cognitive Behavioral Education, providing training and supervision for people working with people who experience trauma. If you work with people, you know how challenging it can be sometimes and how you can end up having the wrong end of someone's day or having to deal with their trauma. CBE's training and supervision services can upskill and support you and your team to manage, de-escalate and thrive in these situations. For more information, go to www.cbe.net.au. - And so I walked down that aisle and I married him. - How did you feel walking down the aisle? Know you'd already hurt you. - I was numb. Like it didn't even cross my mind about this guy's gonna hurt me some more or anything. It's just you straight away back on that airplane mode moment. And you don't, I didn't know what was going on. I remember like I didn't write any vowels, you know? I didn't write any, like I should have picked up on triggers. Like there was things like he didn't want any involvement with the wedding, he didn't want any involvement with, you know, writing vowels or songs or like nothing, you know? And normally if you were in my situation, you'd be like, well that's a bit bizarre. Like I wouldn't like a partner want to be like in part of that, but nothing even hit me in that regard. So yeah, we got married. And then from there I had my baby Seth. And I actually had a very traumatic labor. So Seth actually came early obviously due to the domestic violence and the stress. He came at 36 weeks. And I was in labor in the middle of the night. And I went to the perpetrator and I said, I think I'm in labor. And he said, I'm going back to sleep. So he went back to sleep. And I remember saying out and watching the tennis. And as the girls would scream, I would scream. And I remember I called the hospital. And I said, I think I'm in labor and they told me come in and obviously I never came in because the perpetrator wouldn't drive me. And so in the morning I actually went in and I begged him, I begged him to take me to the hospital. And then so he said, okay, for now I'll take you on the way to work. He literally dropped me off at the carpark. And I walked into this hospital and the hospital was like, oh my god, we've been so worried about you. Like and they could tell straight away I was in labor because I was holding myself like the baby was going to come out kind of situation. Yeah, it's just like those kind of moments that, you know, in a normal relationship, you'd be like, does this person actually care? But, you know, you just keep going. That's your unsavailable mode. So long story short, I was in a 48 hour labor. And the hospital didn't actually do the proper protocol and help me along. So my body was exhausted and Seth started coming out sideways when I was pushing and his heart rate went right down. And they got in a fight in the middle of the hospital, like the two midwives were fighting. And they helped me, which is inappropriate because they should have like got a doctor to do that kind of stuff. And I lost a lot of blood. And I should not have even been at that hospital because Seth was 36 weeks. So I should have been taken straight to the, you know, the hospital that knows what they're doing in those scenarios. So there was a lot of like problem. And where was the husband? Yeah, he was there. He was there. And then I started feeling really, really bad. Like, I mean, I would lay down on my bed and I felt like someone was shaking my head. And I remember calling the midwife and saying something's not right. And her telling me, oh, you're just being silly. Go to sleep. And I would be shaking when I'd be holding a knife and fork. And I remember a doctor coming in from the other hospital because obviously Seth's 36 weeks. So he was paged in and he walked past me. And I remember him grabbing doctors like collar and literally bringing him into the room and saying, this is why your women are dying in this hospital because I was at the first to have almost potentially died. There was women that were dying a lot in this hospital. Now, and he put up a page, a white page to my hand. And he said, look, she has no vein. She's dying. And they said, oh, okay. And so they caught me a blood check. And I had half an hour before everything was shutting down. I was dying. I lost a lot of blood. And I had to have a blood transfusion in labor. And then what happened? And then I felt gray. I felt like I had coffee for the very first time. I had to get out of the blood later, like just standing there like that. But in that time, I didn't know this at the time. But my mum and my sister wanted to come in to meet Seth to see if I was okay. And the perpetrator was actually blocking everybody from coming in. So he told the doctors and the midwives do not let anyone in to see Danielle. So that happened. And then, you know why? You tell me? No, no, I do, you know why I did. Oh, do I know why? Yeah. I believe like he knew I was dying. Because it was pretty damn obvious to anybody that could see it. And he said he was protecting me from like everybody's emotional style. But deep down, I actually don't know fully why you would do that. I guess more like torture, really. This is the end of part one. Thank you for joining me today on the trauma tales. Now is a good time to go and do some self care, especially if this tale resonated for you. If you'd like to reach out to the trauma tales to be a sponsor of the show or to come onto the show, please email the trauma tales, all one word, all [email protected]. This podcast is a production of Shanawhat Psychology.