Chaos

kick this motherfucking meal lee what's happening beautiful people it's tuesday the 10th of february the church of what's happening now new edition is here and ready to rock i got my uh jewish sidekick fucking kato and we're ready for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening now what up mook i'm doing good dude it was a fun weekend oh bro well you know how we do it i tried to tell listen i had to change everything around to put a what's that turn a frown around turn that frown upside down turn that frown upside down oh yeah that's it we ain't got no time to bleed no more we're on a different fucking level i'm an old man i'm 10 days away from being 63 years old i ain't got time to bleed wow so if you think i'm gonna wake up and walk around super bowl sunday with bandanas at the airport like a fucking idiot at five in the morning and we don't play that we call titan aviation we cut a fucking nice deal with them joe takes care of us like a fucking doctor and we go i mean we were gone 12 hours that was crazy to be to be leaving leaving your house go to atlanta do a show and come right and come back i i didn't it was the first only time i've ever gone on a flight i didn't bring no i didn't bring anything nothing it was like medicine he brought a pair of socks and a toothbrush not even that i brought a pair of headphones and a lint roller he brought a lint roller and a fucking shirt this motherfucker oh yeah a lint roller because i don't know how what you guys do at your house we have one cat and i have i have to have a lint roller with me i don't know where this fur comes from but it but it was dude that was a lot and then it showed me because like i go to i do a lot like clubs i'm very happy to do them but like if the person who is bringing me doesn't get me a hotel i'm lucky to get like a hundred bucks towards a hotel staying i say in reno i stayed at the club owner's apartment when he was there i've seen that guy's a fucking mook anyway i said i stand on people's couches and then this guy we're we're literally in atlanta for six i thought we were gonna like go see a movie go go have some dinner something and it wasn't even just like a holiday inn they got us like a saint regis it was the night one of the nicest hotels we walked in there was a chick playing the harp yeah and lee got all nervous he was looking around and i go lee she's playing a fucking harp but lee was nervous because they heard the harp before they went into the holocaust that's the last thing they heard come to a party at the saint regis oh three jewish chicks playing a fucking mandolin and all of a sudden they're putting in an oven what a fucking night oh my god and they were so nice but i haven't seen i don't think i've ever seen anyone play a harp i thought it was like maybe like that like you know how they have the piano with the machine that will play the piano for you i thought it was just like maybe a harp with that attached to it you know that was someone's whole job for like eight hours a day she just plays the harp in the hotel everyone was wearing tuxedos oh yeah she was union she was getting big money she has a 401k as a harp player fuck yeah no and then oh i only see a harp player in my dreams when he comes down the harp joey but we're skipping ahead and i have to apologize i feel bad i've had a problem my whole life when i get nervous i giggle and i if i try to hold it in it only gets worse everything was fine we were doing okay and on the way into atlanta like they started to land and then just didn't just like we didn't even i think we touched for a second and then we went right back up and you were cool you were cool and then you got gray like give me the i thought you wanted another piece of a sandwich no i'm like give me the same give me the bag and he gives me with the sandwich i got a barf he was all and he's like putting shit around he gives me the fucking bag it's half broken like listen man i have uh uh you know i could take so much before i fucking want to faint and my faints aren't like anybody else's faints i get hot first then i start sweating then i warn you one time i'm going down no no i'm going down i'll warn you i don't i don't surprise people listen i'm gonna go down you'll see it when you see me sanity you're going down you'll go he has no color in his face when i got to the when we landed and i went to the bathroom to wash my hand and to get the puke off my neck fucking i looked in the mirror i looked like a ghost it was just eyes and white hair i was like oh my god and meanwhile as we were leaving the house your wife looked at me and said keep him safe i'm like what's gonna happen and as literally as soon as we i thought you're gonna have to cancel the show let me tell you what happened i'm gonna tell you what happened we had this discussion here about chicken cutlets about three months ago that when you go to a deli now and you get chicken cutlets that freezer burn i had look i came from a cuban house everything has freezer burn i'm talking about the lid on the soda as you're drinking it you could smell the garlic and the shit from this cuban steak oh yeah it's not happy and that bugs you it's not happening i don't like fucking freezer burn people don't put the ice cream back on and that thing comes on the top i throw it away next time my daughter where's the ice cream threw it away you didn't put the fucking lid on it it gets all shitty with ice cube and it tastes like fucking you know like a banana like my wife had bananas in the refrigerator to make banana bread right so now everything smells like a fucking banana throw those fucking bananas out all right get those fucking old bananas out of my house i hate fucking old bananas that's how i make you that's how you make banana i don't give a fuck hide them in the cellar and bust them out when it's time i don't want those they smell weird it's just once a banana passes that that three days that mushy that blackness i can't even eat them like i open up in the van i see a black spot i gotta break the banana around some bananas oh yeah i just eat like three ounces of it i throw it away once the black spot i don't touch it under there no i just don't i don't like it do you gag i used to gag when i all that shit makes me gag so i'm eating the sandwich because we got so fucking stoned i bought an eighth of this 46 sativa which really knocks you out of your fucking that was 46 oh fuck yeah it was gunpowder it was mixed with this and that fucking black toenails and that everything in it and let me tell you something you should have seen his face when we left both of us i was high as i got down there all i could think about was that chicken colored sandwich and i mean titan aviation does a great job of doing that great job yeah it's not their fault they got the sandwiches it's just that freezer so when i go leave give me that bag he gave me the bag he just took the sandwich out i could smell the freezer burn in the bag and now i'm puking it and my vomit smells like freezer burn and i'm getting hotter and hotter and i got a jacket a fucking sweatshirt a fucking draft kings heavy duty you know protection like it was three degrees out it was three fucking degrees i brought a walk from the thing to the airplane most people they just said it's over give me no i'm not doing this we got out of that fucking plane it was brutal we walked 10 feet you get in the car you touch your pants and your fucking hands the fucking icicles oh it was terrible it was brutal but the puke was great and i'm puking this motherfucker's giggling like a faggot and finally i stopped and then i go out and the plane everybody wants to talk to me up close i'm hitting everybody with vomit breath i was i was the flight i'm a fuck you see i'm turning green around the gills i would have loved to have seen what the pilots because you told them you got sick i don't think they knew because oh because i've had that happen before i had an ex who got like motion sickness and we were on a plane once and they had a puke bag but what they don't tell you about a puke bag is it's paper that has a little plastic inside and then starts it leaks no shit started to leak on me so you were puking and it was making every noise that you like would think a puke would make and i was trying to hold it it was my whole life and it was i was just sitting there and i what i know what i've taught myself to do is i try to release pressure like i'm like i try to blow it out because like no one wants to get laughed at but like once my mom was choking on typhoon i was laughing in her face that was great but i wasn't mad at you that you oh no no i know you weren't mad but i felt bad but holy shit to puke because those those planes and it's great this is not a complaint at all flying private's like one of the coolest things i've ever done come on but it's a small plane and that the wind it just throws it around a little turbulence was on fire on the way down dog i kept it together for an hour and a half oh because once we get up we're fine but i lost it when the plane touched and it was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry it went like fucking dog there were times i was looking at the phone and the plane would drop and the phone would just stay in the air you could take it out of the air and go oh shit oh it was like astronaut shit you know so i already ate the chicken fucking parm now that plane is going up and down i'm like nah this is like a fucking this is like one of those rides that you go down great adventure whatever it was brutal and not to skip to the end but on the way back we took edibles i thought we were gonna take it easy we were on the way back after you just puked six hours ago yeah but i wasn't feeling well So I got to the hotel, and then I dropped an $8 Coke. All right, when you drink an $8 Coca-Cola in a bottle, those eight-ounce Mexican ones with cocaine still in them. Bro, I looked at Lee. I go, Lee, I got to take a nap. The Coca-Cola rattled my stomach. I closed my eyes for about 45 minutes. I got up, took a shower. We walked right downstairs. The car was waiting for us. Tell them about the car. Oh, the car was great. It was a 2026 Mercedes with a fucking roof. The doorknobs looked like phones. You could have phones on it. You could control shit. You could control it with a fucking, no, no, no, it was Carla. Yeah, this black dude was, we were torturing him on the way back, talking about eating asshole and sniffing it. And he loved it. He fucking loved it, black older dude. And we had a good time at the show, but it was like a corporate event. So they were like, you know, a little bit well-to-do. And I tried to hold it in a little bit. You pretty much did your normal set, which was great. We'll talk about that. But this black guy, it was honestly like the most, the most fun show we had that like, we kind of just did a late show for him. For him. For like 45 minutes. In the car. You were talking about, about, God, what were you saying? About smelling their asshole. And this guy was just going, he sounded like Ric Flair. He was, he was just driving like, woo! The whole, the whole time. Woo! He was going to take us to the strip club. He was going to take us to Magic City and shit. I literally, it was my first time in Atlanta. I was like, so what do we, what are you, I was trying to make small, I was trying to, I was doing George. Cause George wasn't there. I was trying to, some small talk. Well, what are you going to have Friday? He's like, what are you doing in Atlanta? He said, Magic City. That's his first thing. No basketball game. No museum. Magic City, dawg. We'll take you down to Magic City. And I'll tell you what, if I would have known, I don't mind sleeping over. I just want to get the fuck out of there. Right. But if I knew Magic City was two blocks away, I would have made a withdrawal, dawg. I went to the ATM before I left. My hand froze. You know, when you open the window and have to put the card in and beep. I was just, I had, and I was talking to somebody and I put my code and all of a sudden you have to put like, what do you want? Twenties or fifties. I hit it again. I'm talking. I'm like, hold on one second. Jesus. My fucking hand. Yeah. It was frozen. I couldn't even take money out. Fucking frozen. The wind caught it. It's been bad. It's been like, I don't think it's been above freezing since I got stuck in Chicago. Oh, there's still a full. There's still, I just backed into a wall. It's a great wall of fucking snow out there. Oh my God. But it was, listen, I've never done a corporate. So this is your first one. That was my first one. 35 years of comedy. Never did a fucking corporate. And this was my first one. So I didn't know what to expect. But from talking to other people, I know what to expect. They're, they're a corporation, whatever they widgets, attorneys, whatever they represent, whatever they do. They're a corporation. Everybody in that thing is probably college educated, but nobody went to college for entertainment. No. So they don't know guys. When you get a corporate, when you get any, a private, any of those things, you go in there with a high positivity. But you know, there's, and I totally, before we walked in, as soon as we walked in with the lady tell you. I'm not going up. No, we ain't got no microphone. Oh yeah. Now all that, but I was used to that, but yeah, it was even weirder because they had, they had no mic. They didn't know that. I, you didn't tell me what was happening before, but they had no idea that I was just there. I didn't even, I honestly didn't think I was going up. I thought at some point, cause they came in and they wanted to introduce you. I was like, you know what? It's that guy's birthday. It was a fun day. And then you just told them that I was going to do 10 and they kind of panicked because they, they had no mic. They clipped a mic to you. You like, like a lab, like when you clip down your shirt, they had like, this was a big company. So they had this like plush toy that they just, shoved a microphone inside that they can like throw around the room. He's up there with a, he looked like one of the three wise men bringing a gift. That's true. He had a box the whole time talking into it. And I don't think it was on, to be honest. I go Lee man, these corporates and I'm up there 10 minutes. And also I see waiters coming in with fucking Tomahawk steaks. I'm like, I'm dead. Oh dude. They were, they were shaving truffles. This is how big of a deal this was first. They gave us lobster tails, which I don't even, the food was so good that I don't even like lobster, but it was, it was that good that I ate it. You know, the lobster claw, they gave it to us unscathed. Like it was just one chunk of three ounces of lobster meat marinated in some, this motherfucker goes, I don't eat lobster. You can take my lobster. I go, Lee, taste it. He goes, you can't have my lobster. That's how fucking good it was. They gave you a big piece of carrot, these fucking potatoes. Oh yeah. What's those things you get with the chocolate, with the green, the red, the Italian, Italian cookies. You fucking, that was potato. The outside was cooked and then they had little slabs that were cooked in the middle. The middle was fucking mashed potatoes. Like dude. And it was this guy's 40th birthday party. They, they had, when I was on stage, they had like, it looked like just regular pasta with like a white cream sauce or whatever. But they eat like, they had like 17 waiters, each with a truffle shaving it into the people. I wanted to, I wanted to just sit down and eat the pasta. It was, and they were, they had a good time. They're very nice. They had a really good, very nice. And we got an education. You got to see what a corporate works like. How cool is it? Like it was like, he found you through your book. Yeah, that's like, yeah, he read the book. He liked it. And then when we were there, we were talking to a lot of people. Like a dude was there that lived in Boulder. And he said that his company was number two to Norton Fricke and associates. Like it was an attorney based people do advertising for attorneys. How much does the guy says he spends 50 million a year? He said 50 million a year on advertising. Meanwhile, we're eating like chocolate cake and drinking Coke zero. And this guy brought three desserts for Lee. Oh yeah. All right. They brought a chocolate cake. This chocolate thing. People, at least I got a taste of a cow. It looked beautiful. I just didn't want to eat no sugar that night. I would just wasn't the mood. I didn't feel that way on the plane home. Well, yeah, you gave me the, and then we got to the hotel and he gave me edibles and, Titan has really good, because if you fly normal there, you're lucky to get like a snack, a little thing. Titan had an entire basket full of snacks. And you told me, he goes, I could eat this whole thing. I must have eaten like six fucking Slim Jims. I took a fart the next day, a stick came out of my ass. Oh, you did go after every Slim Jim. Oh, my God. I ate every fucking, that was like 10 of them. I ate like six of them. They had chips, they had Pringles. They just, you know, listen, man. You can't do this all the time. I was telling Lee that the last five years of L.A., I was going on the road. I was having a good time, but not really. When I say a good time, I was making some money. But a good time, no, because I'm too hard at it. I'm too much of a fucking businessman on the road. I appreciate that these people come into my show, so I got to be tip-top Magoo. If you want me to walk around your city and eat in the afternoon, I'm not going to give you. Great show. So for me, it's just the focus of it. But I decided for me to do this the next two years, I got to do this my way with fun. You know what I'm saying? I got to have some fun. And I got to have some adventures. And I don't want to lurk unless there's three chicks giving out pieces of ass. I ain't lurking. I don't want to lurk. There's nothing I want to do. I would have gone to Magic City to see the chicks. I saw the documentary on it on Showtime. I saw the six-part documentary. Interesting. The six-part documentary on the show. Yeah. Holy shit. I need to get Showtime. Either four or six. But, you know, I enjoy that shit. But I'm not going to enjoy. We got to go to Florida. When I talk to my friend, I'm like, I don't even know how we're going to do this. We're probably going to leave Wednesday night, do the show Thursday. And I don't have to tell you what time we're leaving. We're going right from. Five minutes after you say, thank you guys for coming. Yeah, right from the plane. Why? It's Friday morning. Why? I don't want to land here Friday morning. I want to wake up. I'm going to bed Friday and tackle the day. Oh, yeah. You know, when I feel bad, my friends come in, our daughter. And I'm like, they're like, what are we going to do after the show? I'm like, oh, I got to talk to my advisors because we're all going to have a vote. Do we stay until Friday morning? Who are your advisors? Me, you, and I. I feel like you're your own advisors. I don't know. That's it. I run it by you guys. I got to come back. I can't go Wednesday night. Fuck, you're out. Because I don't want to go Thursday and come back Thursday. No. At least let's wake up in Fort Lauderdale and Tampa. That would be nice. We'll get some Cuban food, a nice Cuban breakfast. Wait for the chicken to wake us up. And then we go to Connecticut. And that's, but I'm taking a handful of people up there. Like, we're getting a bus or something. Okay. Yeah, for Foxwoods. That'll be great. Yeah, we'll take a bus up there. I have to be, the Jew in me did, does come out a little bit. Because, like, I have no idea. And I'm sure Titan takes good care of you. But it's not, I know it's more expensive than a first-class ticket. It's, but the fact that, because I'm not going to be able to get a bus. I'm not going to be able to get a bus. And I'm sure, like, if you didn't have that, maybe you wouldn't do the show. So at least there's that. But it's even, that's how, this is how cheap I am. Even the Coke in the hotel room, I kind of got, I was a little bit like, if it wasn't for you, I would have just had the free water bottle. I'm not paying $8 for a bottle. That pisses me off. When in Rome, I mean, do you think I enjoy it? You think I enjoy it? Like, here's $8 for a fucking 30 cents. But when in Rome, that's what the problem was. That's what the problem was. And it's something. like i live like that every day but we're out let's celebrate this is a celebration it's not just a fucking comedy show anymore it's me being 63 years old let's just celebrate that i'm still alive all right let's just celebrate that i got two nuts let's celebrate all these things but to go out on the road and act like i can't do that no more that's what was eating me up before and i wasn't acting like nothing i was just focusing my energy but you know what we could focus our energies in a suite with a balcony smoke dope on the balcony throw rocks at the beach you know i mean that's what i'm talking about everything was very militaristic and that's how i live and i appreciate it but i got to the point where it was too militaristic it's comedy you know look at these bands now they're doing all these tours and shit the stones the stones each fly individually they got doctors they don't do a show two nights in a row they travel with doctors and fucking masseuse therapy like 80 years old yeah i'll be that's why those rolling stone tickets are fucking expensive because you're not paying to see the stones you want to see them this is what it costs to get them here mick jagger don't need this he could go on an island and get his dicks up but you want to jump around and all that shit i went to team 83 okay it's gonna cost you not any 83 no more they got a doctor they got a rehearsal studio you know it's not but you know what they're doing it as a professional as what works for them like i'm trying to do it but at the same time it's not the stones of the 70s and 80s where anywhere they went there was destruction and chaos and women getting pregnant and people getting fucked in the ass they were worse than the diddy party these people were worse than diddy party touring diddy you want to tour with that's what they were putting octopuses in a girl's pussy what are you talking about diddy with fucking shaving cream whatever the fuck maybe maybe you all whatever the fuck he was using they really put an octopus in someone a fucking shark and a kid a baby shark and a chick's pussy had an orgy in seattle come on that's why you get the comedy you don't get in the comedy and be all decent with glasses well my daughter is a teen no you get in the comedy to fucking rock you give yourself a window and you fucking rock you give yourself a window and you fucking rock why do you think i got upset with you that day when you're like i didn't eat the mushrooms that's done you eat whatever they give you on the road that's part of the road experience listen that's part of it that's part of it yeah some people listen i don't do coke and i will never do coke again but if i'm on the road and somebody offers me an oxycontin pop that motherfucker a vicodin pop it what the fuck we're on the road it's not like i'm shooting heroin i'm on the road that's what it's for it's not fucking no it's a truth when i was my wildest i was my funniest when i got conservative my funniness got conservative right when you're buck wild you're buck wild this is why you gotten to stand up not to be a corporate fucking merchant like we became later on with the podcast and shit when you do stand up it's like riding a motorcycle with no shirt on you're fucking free you're fucking free you're fucking free you're fucking free you're like a free faggot you're just your hair's going all over the place like brad pitt you know that's what it's about it's not about getting a helmet look at me it's about getting on a mountain on an open fucking highway with no cars doing 80 and getting sun and just breathing and that's what people have missed out with calm listen when i went on the road with rogan and those eight guys for like two or three years it was chaos it was chaos it was chaos every hotel everybody you have eight different personalities so something's gonna go down i can't even imagine okay five different personalities something is gonna go down we i was going on the road like being a professional sally like you know that's that's not for me if we're gonna go on the road it's the fucking do it again i'm not drinking i'm not doing blow but if often somebody offers me a line of heroin and they're kind of decent like they looked clothed and the club owner knows them that's all it takes just one little bump just a little just a little something a little white powder just to get you to put a little pep in your step oh my god how often do people offer you shit like that all the time when i was rocking and rolling because you're on stage i mean staten island was the first place i ever went on stage asked for oxycontin nobody threw him at me usually i go all you gotta do is mention i'm looking for some oxycontins just mention him it's too expensive now no one wants to share you have somebody's show up with a bucket here you go pick whatever you want oh my god yeah it's it's it's insane but that's not the point of it the point when i was doing comedy like a fucking like these guys i don't do comedy like these guys i don't want a fucking camera in my face every minute if you're rocking and rolling there ain't no camera it's like the casino when fucking joe pesci's sitting with frankie vinxen in the booth and the other guy and de niro comes in with a table full of women and fucking joe pesci one of them frankie vinxen goes look at the narrow he's having a good time over there and joe pesci's sitting he goes so we yeah so we might as well i mean he might as well have fun i don't know about snoring heroin it's an exaggeration i just want to make a point lee that that's what that road is for that's what that road is for people you say well you should bring an assistant with you for what i need an assistant on the fucking road that's bullshit that's i don't need somebody to tell me hey we gotta be ready for cut the fuck out of here i know we gotta be ready we're ready the party ain't gonna start till we get there that's true so we're a traveling party from now on i want this to be a traveling fucking party it's not for five days it's for a fucking flight down there yeah you live like we don't even look at the bill why look at it don't even look at it just get the soda just get the eight dollar soda because we're not doing this every day it's today it's today tomorrow you know what i ain't gonna take you motherfuckers to a burger king and i refuse to take you guys to like a fucking dopey restaurant like that clam bake we went to in virginia i want that shit when i go to a restaurant on the road i want to go somewhere that we haven't been to somewhere where there's harps and a fucking whiskey truck that comes over to you nice so what's that yeah i think it was disgusting dude it was the best corn and the crab thing and fucking sausage what is that where were we it was somewhere yeah virginia that's third world shit but that was the best restaurant they had yeah but that's their fucking problem nah i know i won't go there again that cannot be the best restaurant we told the guy seafood i think it's gonna take us to a place where you know lobster flour on dean and you know no skinny crab legs with hiv that dumb fucking turkey sausage they probably give you and corn what am i a pilgrim i want a fucking two lobster tails i want a fucking yeah i don't want that yeah you gotta sit there with a bag your hands get dirty everybody's got paper towels half those people don't even wash their hands they've been having dirty hands all their life and then they go in there they see paper towel it's like fire you know i don't like that shit when i take you guys out the way rogan took me out i'm just giving back to what was given to me you think rogan took me to a burger king i'm gonna fuck we're gonna fogo the chow fucking you know getting cigars in there 200 a cigar a shot of whiskey four hundred dollars he's like you know what that shot of whiskey just you know how much it was four dollars joey enjoy it i am i'm gonna burp it up twice four hundred dollars i'm gonna piss and drink it again for 400 there's still gotta be some minutes left in there 450 one night he paid for shots he didn't know till he got the bill how many shots did you get one of them a piece eight shots oh damn i'd be pissed and then cigars and fucking just just dog it's it's something that i always respected about him because you go on the road with these people they want to give you let's go eat at a diner what diner i look like a diner eat it to you we're in kentucky there's got to be somebody who's killing the pig but did did any part of you be like hey rogan take me to a diner and give me the four i need i want to buy a coat i need to buy a coat my heart yeah my heart all the time i was thinking of stealing the tips when you leave like a three dollar tip let me get a hundred at least i steal the tip yeah i don't blame you especially like if you're if you're broke i got no fucking money in the listen think about being broke feature not having any money but having access to that place across the street from the hotel in austin i used to take you to oh yeah yeah that was our fucking home home base oh it's 16 just to walk in there and say hello glass of water with lemon 16 dog they used to have a fucking crab meat and shrimp salad can't finish it i'll put it up against anybody fucking four prawns and pieces of fucking crab meat and that motherfucker i used to get the gumbo with the fingernails in them with the katrina sweat dude we didn't even we didn't even check into the hotel we like threw our bags in the room we don't fuck around oh we not going to the hotel room just give us the bags the little indian guy here's the bag here's 20 hold on those things. There's a pound of weed in those things. There's no pound in there. But he's all nervous now. It was right across the street. 50 yards. And I would go there every year just to eat at Papa Do's for three days. The fucking banana pudding with the little cookies inside. Oh, I love banana pudding. That place is top notch. The cheesecake from A to Z. We would eat six meals in there for six days. Yeah. We go to San Jose, original Joe's. Like doctors. We didn't even millionaires. We would walk in there like doctors. Who cares if I break even? It's a weekend on the road. I'm getting to do what I love and what do you want me to do? I already went on the road eating fucking veggie cheese sandwiches for years when I was an early open miker. I would have to split a 16 or 12 ounce fucking veggie and cheese to survive. One in the morning and one at night. Hopefully the club would fucking feed me. Some chicken nuggets or something to go and then I wouldn't have to eat the veggie and cheese sandwich. So now fuck it. Now let's break even. I don't give a fuck. Jesus. And it is a lot of fun. This is supposed to be fun and I took the fun out of it for years. Before you go on stage, that's why the top comics always say to you, have fun. You're like, fun? I gotta work fucking 35 minutes. No. If you go up there with a smile on your face life's gonna change. It's gonna be a lot easier. It's like me paying you before you go on stage when the rent is due the next day. Okay? Do you think this guy's gonna give you a check? And all of a sudden you get to the guy who goes, Joey, can I talk to you? He's 600 cash. Go do your thing. Dog, when you walk out there, you can't even walk out because your dick is so big. You trip over it. Somebody gave you money and now you're fucking on fire. I don't think I've ever gotten paid before the gig. When you get paid before you go on stage, it just does something to you. Because now you really don't have to wait around. It's from the Tudor to the Snooter. You just good night. Done. Because it is like I was a little worried because I know it was your night. It was the guy's birthday. I'm sure they're paying you a good amount. I don't want to fuck anything up. They paid me, but I got the plane. I could have fucking, he would have bought. He bought me a first class plane ticket. I'm going to talk to him into buying you a plane ticket because you want to bring a friend. That wasn't the point. The point was I wasn't waking up Super Bowl Sunday and walking around ATL Airport. That's a big fucking airport. That's a big fucking airport, guys. It just wouldn't have worked. It just would not have worked. I'm getting surgery April 23rd. I can't believe you're waiting that long. I have to because I have gigs and I cannot do the surgery at the end of the month and then go to fucking Nashville to a big time comedy festival with crutches or Connecticut who's paying me good money or Tampa. They deserve better. Yeah. So what do you want me to do? I go to physical therapy. It'll work out till April. I'll make it work till April, but I can't do it next week because then I'll be shit for those gigs. Right. I got three gigs. Two in March, one in April. Done. Nothing till August. After that, I can just do the dojo any spot around here. That's what we'll do. It's no big fucking deal. Are you going to have them do both knees at the same time? No, I'm just going to have them do one. All right. I don't need the other one. Are you going to have them do both knees? I just need this one. But every time you do one knee, you tell me that the other knee goes kaput. No, because you put so much pressure on this knee, it starts to hurt. But after a few days, you ice it. When you finish this one, you put some BPC 157. I shot it with copper and now I'm back like herpes, Jack. You know all the numbers for these peptide things? You got to know the numbers. Oh my God. You got to know the numbers on everything. Your business, your address, your zip code, everything's got a fucking number. Your pin. I love it. That's great. Are you nervous about it? Do I look fucking nervous? No, I did it already. I just want to get it over with now. So I have to do it when I'm 70 because recovering from this when I'm 63 is going to be tough enough. 70, it's a different bag of ballpark. I'm going to go in there in good shape. Like I'm going to go in there lifting three, four days a week so my recuperation is easier. I won't go to fucking jail when I'm sitting there for two weeks. I'll still lift in the house. I'll get a kettlebell and do these things. Anything to keep fucking because anything you do after the surgery helps your healing. So anytime you get blood going through there and all that shit, it's like stealing. So why would I want to fucking do it now? So I have to limp to Florida on a plane and have you guys carry me off the little thing. Come on, man. Use your fucking head, Lee. I think you'd have fun on a scooter though. I won't have fun on a scooter. I'm 60 years old. Beeping at people? No? Leave me alone. I think you'd have fun. Is that what you're looking at? Are you looking at like 70? Is that like the number that's looming over you? I don't fucking know. I'm just throwing a number up there. But you don't want to wait and do this later on when it takes it's harder to recuperate the older you are. Let me do it now. This is going to need to get fixed now. Two years, three years, something's going to happen. That's the longevity of it. It's just the odds. Do it now. Get it over with. I have the whole summer to relax. We've got baseball all June and July, every fucking weekend. What do I give a fuck? I'm going to go to the games. We'll have to do the podcast at the office like two, three times. We'll tape a couple of them in advance so we don't have to come right up here and kill ourselves. But that'll be it. That's it. No big deal. It's just another day in paradise. It's how you look at things. If you look at it like, then it's going to be just another day in paradise. That's my entire life. Yeah, another day in paradise. Why think about it? Fucking go in there. How do you do that? How do you not think about things? For fucking years, I was a regular person who put everything on the back burner. Everybody puts everything on the back burner. Everybody. I did it with comedy. I did it with fucking jobs. I did it with fucking everything. How long are you going to put your life on the back burner? There ain't no back burner left. I'm 60. You can do that shit when you're 30. And 40. I'll take care of that later. That's it. The curtain's almost drawn on me. Jesus Christ. Not that I'm dying. I'm just telling you that at what age do you still keep putting shit away? At what age do you keep saying, bro, I almost didn't have a comedy career because of two years of procrastination. That's fucking embarrassing. That is fucking embarrassing. What happened? Fear. Fear of your life changing. Well, you just didn't start stand up. Is that what you mean? It took me two years to get on stage. Walking around telling people I'm going to get on stage. So two years because I was a pussy. That's enough. That's enough. And that's part. That's all of us. Yeah. Anything that's going to get us better. We're scared of 40s. 40s. That was a good fart. 40s looming over me. Yeah. So what do you got to do now? Your attitude has to change. You can't still be. Well, I got another year. I got two more years. No because then you'll be 45. And you're saying that then you'll be 50 and you'll be saying that shit. Do you ever have a homeless guy? Like he's like a little bit crazy, but he makes a little bit of sense. Yeah, me you wouldn't make a good homeless dude. But no, this dude came on the train today and was like yelling at nobody, but it felt like he was talking to me. Like, I don't know. I don't know what was it, but he was just like, oh, so that's funny. You're afraid to be funny. He was talking like, but he was talking to himself like the entire train cleared out. But I like, I don't know. I was just saying I was like, am I, am I afraid to be funny? I felt like he was talking to me. I was like, well, I'm afraid of something. But after a while, how much can you be afraid of shit? For years, I didn't take care of my health because I was scared of needles. Years. My fucking mouth had no teeth because I would rip them out with a wrench with Jack Daniels and cocaine instead of going to a doctor like a regular fucking human being. I did a thousand things of procrastination. How long can you procrastinate? And how long can I scare myself to death? Oh, this knee surgery is going to be scary. They're all scary. Yeah. But again, you want a good set? If you want to have a great set, what do you do? Smoke a joint? No. What? You prepare. Okay. Yeah. So if you go into surgery like a lop with no strength, but my knee, I couldn't exercise. Okay. You're going to feel it more. Yeah. If you go in there and you're halfway in shape, you're taking supplements, you're eating good, you're drinking water, everything's going to be easier to fucking heal. I'll pop a couple red light saunas. You know, this is the shit that you have available to you. Is it like, so I guess sort of like stand up, like if you take a week off and then you do a set and you're kind of rusty, you know, like you're not prepared. No, you have a bomb. Yeah. And you get off stage and you go, I wasn't prepared. Fuck. I didn't even look at my fucking notebook because you know, if you look at your notebook, the charges, the change, every time you go over your notes, the percentages goes up. Percentages go up that you won't bomb every time you look at that fucking notebook and review your jokes. Yeah. For fucking Staten Island, I reviewed that joke all week. I was in there all week because I'm sick and tired of forgetting shit. Sick and tired. I'm a grown man. How can I forget material on stage? And I still forgot shit that night, but I would have forgotten more if I didn't go over it. Well, it's, Hold on one second. I got to piss. We'll be right back. 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it's a great deal you're gonna have you're gonna get a lot out of it again that's better help h-e-l-p dot com slash diaz thank you for watching the podcast i want to thank better help for sponsoring the episode hey uncle joey listen it's february valentine's day is coming it's time to level up your fucking dick game blue chew just dropped blue tube gold pop pop pop blue chew gold is a four-in-one tablet with a mix of key ingredients to increase blood flow and arousal blue chew gold dissolves under your tongue it works in as little as 15 minutes so you don't have to wait for the fucking fireworks you follow me you're at a drink you're having you're talking to some woman pop a pop of a pop she tells you want to come back on the way to the car you pop that thing but you've been back to her apartment dick dick dick get your confidence back with one single tablet make life easier by getting harder discover your options at blue chew dot com we got a special deal for the church family all right blue chew is going to give you 10 off your first month of blue chew gold with code joey that's a steal that's promo code joey visit blue chew dot com for more details and important safety information and i want to thank blue chew for sponsoring the podcast and for helping men get their hard-on and get their sexual fantasies in order jack because you can't have you know when you're a man you're walking around you got all these fantasies but if your dick don't work yeah it's nothing it's a chick with a harp that's it take that blue chew and sling dick like it's over we're back anyway my uh you know george just asked me what i thought about that 84 year old that's missing you know what i'm saying i need this shit in my life if that was your mother then nobody would look for her you know i'm sitting there the other day and they're talking about this 84 year old twat the sister the fucking bitcoin who's 84 she got one foot in the grave one a banana peel they got helicopters dogs if that was my spic mother your italian mother or your mother your jew mouth mother oh i don't know i think they'd fucking help out john wayne after what she did at the party they'd mind her but you know it's a lady's mom i feel bad i i miss my mom but enough the kidnappers would send my mom back yeah the kidnappers will take her back there's no kid you have for bitcoin that's some fucking idiot that's oh listen nine out of ten of those things it's in the family you think so listen nine out of ten of those things fuck it's too remember john bonnet remember all that shit it's somebody now they took her for a ride they took her to sign some documents to fucking the mortgage to redo the mortgage she didn't know like what do you mean mama you're making me do things all of a sudden they fucking beat her up and they threw in a ravine so nobody would know when they signed the lease over oh that's a brother that's a kid that's but anyway it's not my fucking problem yeah i gotta worry about this twat now every fucking day helicopters go to my house and shit no fucking somewhere else but they're looking at my house why what the fuck is wrong which i gotta you seem to know a lot about this about the disappearance yeah because dog you you're old and you listen you watch law and order and you read and you read and you hear things and after a while you don't need to hear the whole story like most of the times you gotta hear uh what's that expression your side of the story then there's the truth yeah but you know one time you just hear all i need to do is hear it and i can decipher what happened myself i know what went down just by hearing it by somebody you ever have somebody talk to you and you're like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die you already know what happened yeah i was walking down the street and some guy beat me up just for nothing i'm just walking down the street and yeah no he told the guy to go fuck his mother he threw a beer can at him oh you know i already know stop nobody just flies around and hits you in the head when you're walking around with a flower in your hand nobody's gonna hit you in the head that's true but to think about kidnapping your own mom that's like i just told you yeah somebody over i'm just this is an alleged story right okay somebody tried to trick a ma you know grandma i want this stamp collection they didn't do it she wouldn't do it i can't do that and then they beat the fuck out of her and they threw her in the fucking ravine you know lee this this shit happens lee in life people are creepy people are fucking creepy look at all the people when people die how they react their families and shit you know yeah you know people are fucking creepy when it comes to money and she's 84 she's half dead i mean who would have kidnapped i don't know you can fuck her why she's gonna suck your dick you know and i'm just gonna cook for you well she forgot the recipe if you're not sucking my dick why am i kidnapping you holy shit it's the truth i'm sick and tired you know you keep i i look into my grumpiness it's not grumpiness it's that you heard it all already leave me the fuck alone what would you do why are you gonna come tell me this story me out of all fucking people there's a 60 year old waiting somewhere to hear this bullshit from you you don't want to hear it i don't want to hear it because i know it's bullshit you just you just you're just wasting my time you're just wasting my time with all this shit it's when p like when you talk to comedians i don't know what to do and you give them the advice and now they're doing what you told them not to do why are you wasting your time mind your business shut your fucking mouth they're not gonna do it anyway what would you do if you were a comedian and you were a if you got kidnapped like if you were like if you were if someone kidnapped you would you get out lee it's the dumbest question in the world maybe they got a machine gun like i did i don't know lee nothing if there's a window but lee we don't know if i tie you up and put you on your fucking stomach and put a gag on you how are you gonna get to that window lee no so why are we thinking about i might start annoying him yeah how like if you kidnap me i might start asking you questions i'm gonna kick you in the fucking mouth this you know if i'm if i kidnap you that's the first thing i'm gonna tell you i'm gonna treat you just like robert de niro traded that guy on fucking on midnight run you know i'm just gonna beat you every time you say a word don't test me i'll fucking i'll fucking bury your head in that fucking thing jesus and i said you ain't gonna talk too much you're gonna be too much that's only on tv when people become heroes and they can loosen the fucking thing and they can swami open up the keychain that's only in fucking movies that doesn't work in real life when you got three gorillas in the room and you got your blindfold on you don't know if they're gonna fuck you in the ass or feed you to the lions you ain't gonna be moving around too much okay if i put a blindfold on you yeah you could you could sip out and look out of it and you know i gotta be honest if you put a blindfold on me i'm gonna piss my pants that sounds that sounds terrifying so now you got people swarming around you yeah if i could get to that window you ain't getting to no window you got three black guys swarming around you with a fucking russian dude with a machine gun oh and they're telling you you move we're gonna fuck you in the ass nobody wants to get fucked in the ass no nobody that's the biggest sense of torture to get fucked in the air yeah well look at you ever see the godfather harlem no whenever he had a problem he brought that big black dude with the big dick and they rape men he just raped men the guy would just pull his zipper down and the guy in his chair would go oh no yeah oh yeah that was his job to torture people big dick mcgeek oh my god that's fucked up so think about they got now who's gonna fuck the 84 year old woman in the ass that's got crab apples in there and god knows what else malukia stinks and god knows what else how did that get in there oh and then they always tell you she doesn't have a medication all right let me go back to the house and get a medication who gives a fuck enough she's dead by now she's dead knock it off it's been a week she had no medication she's dead oh she's in a swamp somewhere eyeballs are gone already oh yes holy shit you should call up savannah guthrie i think she'd like to hear from you fuck savannah guthrie she got enough problem wait till i hit her with the lie detector test all them white motherfucking creepy people they'll do anything for five hundred thousand dollars and they'll kill their grandmother or something this isn't no like if you're home right now like uh praying on rosary beads this is white nonsense is white now. Yeah. Oh, my God. I hope she's returned safely. Who gives a fuck? Move on. That is fucked up when that happens, when someone is front and center, like, oh, they're praying, and then you find out that they did it. Yeah. It's all bullshit. That's something creepy there. Put it in the past, and let's wait for the Hamas kids to make a comeback. They must be hungrier than ever now. Nobody's talked about those Hamas kids in two months. Those kids must be fucking skeletons walking around fucking Palestine right now. Getting ready for Halloween. Yeah. Oh, my God. Give us a fuck. Dude, I feel like you just have, like, a notebook. You used to come in with, like, notes to talk about stuff on the podcast. I think you come in with a thing, like, how are we going to get YouTube to get pissed off on us this week? The Hamas kids look like skeletons. I just fucking told you, man. Whatever, fuck. I'm not doing comedy for the masses no more. I'm doing comedy for me and what affects me, and that affects me. When I sit down to watch, I'm all wound up, I'm high, I sit down to watch World News Tonight, and I got to talk about this whole twat again for fucking 20 minutes. She's missing, she's at the border. Who gives a fuck? Is that what it boils down to? She's ruining World News Tonight for you? Every day I have to hear about Savannah Guthrie's mom. But again, if that was any of your moms, do you think there'd be helicopters looking for your fucking mom? No, your mom would be dead already. They wouldn't even come to our house and interview her. So enough. That's Samantha Guthrie, good morning America. So privilege is privilege. Hey, dog, we're in this shit. We've lost our, in fact, I'm done with the news. Finally. I'm done with it again. Yeah, I'm leaving the house at 6.30 now. And I'm coming back at 7.30 after Jeopardy. That's my new early so I can watch. Orange is the new black by fucking 8 o'clock with the lesbians leading each other's assholes and shit. That's much better than the news. And I'll tell you what was the worst thing ever. Guys, listen, and I tell you this with honesty, all of you, I mean the people at home. You got, I got a short window. I got a short window. You got like three hours to talk to me. And after that, my head goes into, like, I just don't even hear nothing. I don't know if it's old age. I don't know if it's low testosterone. I don't know what it is. Like, if you want to talk to me about difficult things, don't do it at night. Like, at night, you got to talk to me like fire, ice cream, like just simple words. Yeah, if you go into like a fucking calamity, you're going to lose me. I'm just going to turn my head because you're wasting your time. What kind of calamity? What do you mean? I have a short window. I'm old. So when I get up at 7.30 or 6.50, like today I got up at 5.15, I'm ready to stab a motherfucker. And then the world's asleep. There's nobody to stab. So I stay up. I write. I learn to music. I smoke dope. I play fucking DraftKings, Triple Jackpot. You know, I do all this shit. But then I leave the house wired. I go run my errands. I'm electrified. You know, when I come back at 12 or 1, I'm done. People try to call me and give me, like, I'm doing this roast of New Jersey. And they call last week. They go, Dino, we want to talk to you about this stuff. Okay. I canceled. The first two times. Because at 1 o'clock, I'm taking a nap by 1. Like 1 o'clock. What time do you cancel? 12.45? I cancel like 10 to 1. But I did the one on Thursday because I was eating lunch anyway, but I had to go to, like tomorrow, I got to go to physical therapy at 2. So this is at 1. But they hit me right back like, let's do it. What is that when I call Nick? Nick, what are we doing tomorrow? Nothing. Call me at 1. All right, I'll call you at 1. But then they want to send you those things. Zoom? No. The fucking link with the time. And then they want to Zoom and all. I don't want. You mean like a calendar invite? We ain't got that type of time. Yeah. This ain't that type of party. All right? So basically what they have to do is be like, hey, can you talk now? Because like, they just want to, they have, they add it to their day. I don't give, I don't want to need that. That's too much drama. That's white people's shit. Let's start schedule. Oh yeah, 8 o'clock. What's your phone number? And then it pops up on your calendar. I'm going to open up my iPhone. There's a red dot. I'm going to hit it. Now, I don't know. Why are they on my thing? This is not, there's no money here. This is chit chat. There's no dough. So the fucking dude hits me up Thursday. I tell him, listen, Tuesday. And then the other guy comes in. I worked with you. One of those dudes. I've worked with you before on a couple of shows. All right. I know all your friends. Okay. And all of a sudden he goes, let me give you my number. All right. Doug. Friday, he started hitting me up. Hey, I'm available till six. But six is never going to work. You call me at one. We're going to chit chat for maybe 20, 25 minutes. Then I got to go. I'll put you on speakerphone. I'm just going to write. I'm going to put like fucking you porn on and bang one out while I'm talking to you. You know, and come on my hand. And I got to sit there with the come on my hand for fucking 10 minutes. You know. Dude, you got to be careful because you're going to, you don't have, you don't know how to hit mute. So one of these, what would you do if someone heard you on Pornhub? Who gives a fuck? Then Louis C. Hey, here's my next new name. I'm calling people fucking breathing heavy. Oh my God. No, I don't fucking jerk off. But what I'm saying is that they want to call you and talk about this shit. I don't, I don't want it to be that official. This, this doesn't need to be whitened up. It's like everything is politicized now. There's some people that want to do it. Well, let's put it in the, no, no, no, no, no. We don't need that. This is loose. This is loosey goosey. There's no loose anymore. Do people have eight hours a day, 10 hours a day to fill? They have to have a meeting with someone. That's their problem. You got to adjust. You got to adjust. Adjust what? You got to adjust. That's it. I ain't got time for your problems. Oh, dude. I think my daughter comes home at two 45. That means I don't want to talk to you after two. Right. I need 45 minutes just to focus on what's about to happen when she walks in the door. These people want to call me like, oh yeah, can we do one 30? One 30 ain't going to work. Cause that's a half hour. And I ain't got that type of time for a half hour for you. I just don't. I would love to see what these people who have, who have not dealt with you say, I told you this, there's one guy I met. He said he used to be our podcast agent. I had no idea. And he said he got fired one day. You just sent him an email with no subject that just said the party's over. He didn't know what you meant. I ain't got time for that shit. You want to play the game? You're going to get fired. I didn't fire him. He lost his own job. I don't even know what you're talking about. I have no idea who you're talking about, but it's like, Oh, I'm going to have to hit him up tomorrow. Oh my God. I just hate these people that everything's a fucking. They're the party. That's over. That's it. Pack up your bags. That's it. They're hiring a dairy queen. They always are. There's always a job at dairy queen. Oh, people do. And we ran into another guy. I ran into a comic this week. I said, Hey, nice to see you. He's like, he was like from the old podcast. He had to come on once. twice he came on twice came on the first time he was pretty good oh i forgot and the second time he came on he had bo he had been up snorting for a few days you could see it he didn't comb his hair and he was a bot so me and lee just we just left him there and he's like i lost a job because of that part i was like i don't i have no idea listen don't lie you lost the job because of yourself they're not gonna look at a podcast and go oh we're not gonna hire him that's a fucking lie you think people got time tax they look they look through your twitter they look through your facebook and they look at your instagram they know you have a podcast but then i gotta look at it individually to see what we said i hate those people that give an excuse like i lost a job because you lost a job because you lost a fucking job don't say like when people call me now people call me once a month hey man how you doing i haven't heard from you in five six years five or six years i haven't heard from you how you doing good day hey hey i'm pitching a show first of all i know you you ain't got no show you ain't got no show knock it on we're pitching and we don't want people to hear what we said it's not happening it's not happening i had a podcast once with felicia dear friend of mine love this motherfucker still talk to him came on the podcast he's one of these dudes that he let his wife peek into the business when everybody told him that he had a problem with miami because she came to the shows and would fucking yell at the features dog i don't talk out of fucking place here and he fucking went on our podcast and said a story i swear to my mother an hour later he calls me and i can hear her yelling in the back saying take that off i don't give a fuck he begged me to take it down guess what i'm not taking it down not taking it down because of her attitude if you would call me and said it to me correctly i'd have done anything for you but she was just jealous because she wanted to come on the podcast and we just had him oh jesus so i'm talking to him and she's yelling in the back dog i would have put my phone down i would throw my wife right out the fucking window this is business you don't fucking step on my business ever shut the fuck up fuck up and that's why I didn't think it down because i didn't like how she said it to me because at the end of the day it's all bullshit it's all bullshit you're not gonna lose your job unless you go on fucking rogan or one of these big ones and say yeah i hate jews it's a fucking job yeah meanwhile little ones yeah it doesn't even matter we say some crazy shit here i don't hear nothing about it two days later because it doesn't matter no they don't give a fuck about me they're not gonna change me they already went after me and they got nothing nothing so what do they got they got nothing i could say whatever the fuck i want now i'm 63 and if you fuck with me i'll blame it on old age okay i say crazy things hitler is god you know uh yeah what the fuck it is pretty and and you know what there was only one time where you and you didn't you didn't want to take it down but remember when ralphie came on and was yelling about russians yeah for about 30 minutes you can't talk about russians oh that was like the only time where i saw you get a little bit like i can't talk russians will come to the office and stab you and if they come to the office when ralphie's there he was saying that shit i'll tell him stab him stab him extra he's chubby get a fucking get a big pontoon you want to go through all the epidurals of fucking fat oh my god i ain't got time for that shit we don't have time for that no more if you really think about and some people are going to disagree with me but they're going to go no you know i get it i get it you come on a podcast you're a man i'm not going to come on here and say i had an orgy and then call you and i don't go bro take that down my old my girlfriend because i was cool when i was here in front of all the boys you know i'm saying i got my dick sucked that's 10 guys now i get in the car and i got to call my wife and she's like bring home milk how was the podcast i'm gonna listen to it tomorrow oh now you gotta call hey man take that orgy story out right my wife's gonna listen to it that ain't going out i'll take pieces of it out but i'll leave you saying orgy just you'll just call me have them see orgy every six minutes yeah because it's not it's how you ask when you come out listen i'm on the podcast that i said something that got used against me it almost canceled because i said it and nobody raised their hand and i'm still get tortured six years later people still make little fucking remarks and i'm like because they have nothing in their lives right six years to still say oh you take xanax uh let's move on to the next subject now let's move on you're just a fucking loser you're on repeat in your fucking head you know you're just on repeat but well you know when we come on these podcasts and we talk i've never said to you take that out no and i say some nasty shit i say some vulnerable shit about myself i say vulnerable shit about other people but not in a bad way it's not that i'm lying about them is that i'm comparing them to what i'm going through and that's where the comparison comes from and it's it's about being honest or at least trying to be in theory and it's not you can always you know i think if you i can i don't like listening to a podcast where you can tell that it's like overly produced or like they're editing different stories together i don't want to hear that no i want to hear it live like remember x and i've told you this since day one i don't want that shit i don't want clips it's give it to them we're not going to sit there for two hours take this out oh take that oh my hair looks bad there take that out no your hair never looks bad just say it i don't care about your fucking hair you got no hair joey you got three pieces of hair holding you together what the fuck are you gonna get even more wild like what like when you get to 70 you're gonna go just fucking but like you've gotten a little like you never really cared but i feel like when you get older you have to go like even crazier i don't care i've been telling you guys this for the last year and a half oh i can't wait to see it i'm like when you were a kid you care about all this shit now i'm like a marine god family god family core that's it that's it that's it everything else you're just confusing yourself that's why the marine does that god family core yeah but bad bunny i don't know what you're talking about yeah but you chris rock i don't know what you talk kid rock what i don't know yeah you're this that i don't know family god family core so what's the core if take out the core for you what else do you feel like god family comedy like yeah god family comedy you want me to get involved in shit that i have nothing to do with i have no education to speak on and then you wonder why things aren't working you know you're a fucking plumber by trade but you want to do a podcast about art you're a fucking plumber right you're a fucking plumber so it's it's just it just goes hand in hand whatever the fuck we're talking about yeah it really you know think about this i got up sunday morning happy like everybody else we just did this thing i was a little tired i knew i had to do this thing i was a little tired i knew i had to do this thing i had to work out i had a couple things going on you know you open up the computer i'm looking at sag to see if i'm getting any checks this week anything good yeah i got a couple good checks nice like 154 that's not bad and the rest like six dollars but again those three six dollar checks i put those in my gas tank yeah you know i get checks for fucking 82 cents they go in the bank bitch they should i'm a jew they go right in the bank but i'm sorry i interrupted you were saying you were doing all that you know when you wake up and you're like oh my god i'm gonna go to the and you go on instagram and you go on twitter facebook people message you throughout the day you know i'm not on facebook or twitter all day and it was all about bad bunny and kid rock it's a fucking football game it's four quarters of a football game if you come to me like somebody told me five years ago i can't wait for the super bowl usher's playing this year i'm not talking to you no that's not what the super bowl is about that's something that happens during the super bowl not the super bowl so for people to sit there all day sunday better you do this and what happened the guy got 160 million views right uh bad bunny and the republicans the people who left yeah they got six million they had six million fucking viewers and if you think benito was bad bad bunny fucking kid rock was worse fucking god awful i don't give a fuck who you are with a bunch of white politicals dancing like they could dance all they're thinking about is stealing the fucking charlie kirk's wife she's sucking two dicks already oh that dirty bitch she's sucking jd vance's dick how come nobody brings that up nobody talks about jd vance fucking erica wipes in the ass with that chubby ass that dude somebody shot that motherfucker they wanted to fuck that bitch that bitch that motherfucker died that bitch had a corporation two days later a fucking corporate come on guys well it didn't even look you got guys buy all this shit i say it to you you look at me like i'm a bad guy jd vance that chubby chick has been sucking dick since that dude before that dude got buried she blew somebody i'll tell you right to your face you can see it on her face she sucked somebody off at the fucking funeral parlor i guarantee you with tears in her eyes and everything just suck the dick she couldn't wait to start sucking dick she couldn't fucking wait look at her now she's on everything with jd vance and none of you motherfuckers that are political organizers see this or say anything he's been fucking her in the ass with kid rock both of them been fucking that fucking fat chubby bitch that's a good halftime show though what the kid rock and jd vance with erica kirk anyway which is so fucking stupid the other idiots san francisco bay area we gotta get betonica enough enough with these old men with fucking heavy metal dreams you've made 20 million dollars already move the fuck on and you heavy metal fans with your stupidity and your cruises grow the fuck up the mortgage is fucking due the mortgage is fucking due yeah you know metallica metallica's great i love metallica 2026 and i i've never heard of bad money before i've heard of them i've never heard a song i thought it looked i had no idea what one word he said was and i didn't know what he was saying you know i felt bad they got cuba they got fucking cane fields and fucking anyway i just want to hear music and if you're gonna fucking be spick and come out there you might as well throw heat like pitbull come out there and light that fucker up like pitbull would do right yeah you got half a fag ricky martin you got that ox and fucking that chick that you know lady gaga lady oh my god come on man enough we're sick of this shit i was watching it with puerto rican they were having a good time oh no listen the only thing i felt good about and i'm not ashamed to say this it was a good day for spanish people with all the ice and all the shit that's going on they had their 15 minutes you know jews have fucking palestine they can have a good time and bomb them at ease things are boring let's bomb palestine black people have fucking palestine they can have a good time and bomb them at ease people got black lives matter spick's got nothing give them their fucking day they've been getting tortured these people they've been getting tortured you know think about it if you go home tonight and you got to fucking hide your kid look behind both curtains and then go up to your house and hug your wife like you haven't seen her in 10 years and hug her before you leave that does a lot to the psyche that does a lot to the psyche yeah that's what these people understand it blatantly looks like it blatantly looks with the immigration stuff like you hate spanish people you know and again it's like yeah but they're all rapists and murderers guys give me a fucking break that's the big boogie that's the boogie that's the boogeyman like the russians have the boogeyman as john wick right that that's the boogeyman right they're such bad people they're such a for 10 fucking years you've been eating all their food at least for 10 fucking years every meal you eat at pepe lepew's or johnny santorello or yeah that's a mob joint they're all mexicans in the back so give me a fucking break yeah give me a fucking break you know yeah and it's like it's a football game and you will you people were i mean whoever's controlling this whatever's going on it's to have two sides to everything now everything has two sides now oh let's do our own super bowl halftime show i want to see kid rock and for like 30 people yeah it was embarrassing but everybody had to turn it off i'm gonna turn on kid well come on man give me a fucking break give me a what the fuck is wrong with us just leave the soup bowl if you don't want to go in the kitchen and eat with the kids that's what i did yeah i was in the kitchen and i was looking from afar people were talking so i'm deaf i couldn't hear what the fuck was coming out of his mouth oh bad bunny yeah i didn't hear a word i barely heard the music but i didn't see people jumping up and down no they didn't have any of that pitbull would have came out and lit that motherfucker now joey you like pitbull no i don't like pitbull but he comes out says three spanish words and those people lose their fucking mind what's that song he's got gasolina huh is it is that i think i will yeah they even sampled gasolina but see that's what i like that about yesterday or two days ago because other halftime shows they have like a fake audience that's like pretending like they had a concert they shot this like i've never seen anything like that they shot it so like in different scenes and they took it around there's a different scene yeah yeah yeah that's exactly what it was and they had different things like they apparently that little kid was the kid they took in the ice raid that wedding was real that they had a yeah yeah that's what they said oh okay oh okay but now you got to play a violin that's the other part now oh the kid got kidnapped who gives a fuck give him the job you know just give him the job we're gonna talk about professionalism or your fucking resume now give him the job poor kid he's he he's like five years old yeah so that i just that was it for me it didn't matter to you it was a bad game well listen you know what it's entertainment guys we keep forgetting this shit is all entertainment and we're the ones that take it too seriously it's entertainment you lost yesterday but you had a good time with your friends oh yeah it was a fun night okay that's it you'll make it up somewhere else you might walk out right now if i have an envelope of 5 000 in it oh that'd be nice you follow me so it's like you didn't lose your life like i know i i i ended i lost a 20 20 parlay was what i lost oh i put someone in 95 i lost 20 so i won 75 for the day i think i won 30 playing fucking roulette i don't give a fuck it's just your day brett ernst has that job joke about betting and his wife doesn't know how much that's on the game like we have rent on this i didn't have i didn't go crazy but i i had one good bet that saved me the pick six that killed the patriots i won like 400 bucks so i ended up breaking even but it was and it i was thinking about this isn't it crazy like you've probably seen 50 55 superbowls like it just is like it just like i've seen i've seen 30 plus superbowls now at this point it's like i don't think i've done anything else that many times like every year of your life you've watched a superbowl it's pretty cool listen man you watch them you grow with them but then again we've watched 50 world series see i don't really i don't really watch any other sport like that i've watched i don't know how nba finals when i was younger i watched a lot of nhl finals you watched hockey when i was younger i did yeah i didn't know that when the islanders were kings and the rangers and rangers you lived here wow i only really did nfl you walk into a room and people talking you know what they're talking about eventually somebody offered me tickets to a hockey game the rangers pat the the ref from north bergen when i was a kid i kept bugging him and he got me tickets and i was blown the fuck away i liked it that it was cold yeah you know yeah i liked all that shit about it and i just thought as i got older it really doesn't work for me on tv no more aaron berg invites me all the time and i just does he hockey yeah oh because he's canadian i didn't know that he's canadian yeah i just you know but i want to go to a ranger game you know like because they i feel like hockey fans really like it has it's not as commercial so like they're there they really love it yeah they really love it nobody wants to go you know people go to a baseball game to get sunny people go to a hockey game to get hit with the ice and see a fucking tremendous fight yeah but yeah it's a tremendous fucking punch out you know so but yeah this is uh it's what we do brother just trying to have a good time i don't want to die and go in a casket with a sour face i want to have a good time who gives a fuck you know what you work more you've got more gigs you need money do more gigs deliver pizza i don't give a fuck what you got to do yeah yeah no i mean it's it is hard you know but remember when you were broke and feel like it doesn't feel that easy it is but it is but i always say this when i was broke i was still living like a doctor it was a different type of doctor it was like a toe doctor but and now you're a heart surgeon but now i'm a heart surgeon yeah but living like a doctor is not about money it's a state of mind it's like we grew up in north bergen north bergen is not that same town it was a state of mind that we grew up in that made us animals all that shit is a state of mind oh think about it that way it's hard though but i i agree it's i'm jealous of people like you can do that it's like just kind of like separate things in your mind not worry about things it took me a long fucking the older i get the more i was 20 i was shitting blood out of my asshole i had a fucking hemorrhoid in aspen colorado okay for six months i every time i wiped my ass there was a blob of fucking blood from worrying and well what's gonna happen tomorrow you know what nothing's gonna happen tomorrow nothing you're gonna wake up tomorrow you're gonna wash your pussy you're gonna walk out there to that bus stop you're gonna get on that bus and you're gonna go to your job that's what's gonna happen there's no surprises ain't nobody showing up with a fucking check for half a million dollars and that's the problem like even the last four months i've been journaling a lot because that's how i gotta get my head back so i was journaling a lot and i was thinking to myself like you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go to the hospital i'm gonna go to the hospital i'm gonna go to the hospital i'm gonna go to the hospital what if right like i journal a lot i could just put shit on paper right i used to journal in the morning now i'm journaling three times a day damn like i'm writing a whole section in a notebook in two weeks i got a notebook with five subjects okay like i this notebook's got two subjects left because i'm just uh journaling journaling journaling i forgot what i was gonna tell you but you've been you've been doing a lot more to get your head right you said yeah i had to i had to because i had so much you have all this noise coming in your fucking head and you have to start playing judge to what's important and what's not do you reread it after you write it or absolutely absolutely like when i go home now i'll talk to mercy talk to terry and at one point terry goes up i'll do 20 minutes on that notebook about how i'm feeling how i'm adjusting to things what i'm grateful for little things i'm grateful for you know so and do you plan it or you just go and see what happens when i write it yeah i have a plan with one thing that happened that made me write it but then from flowing your other shit will come out and you go holy shit that's pretty good i could use it on stage you know and then and then like will you go back and read like last week's or it's pretty much burning because i can't read the handwriting that's hysterical i write it so nobody can read it nobody else can read it i put keywords out so if somebody looks like they can't sell my fucking what are you talking about you have your own like little code that you write your journal in yeah that's hysterical somebody finds it i don't want them to know i fucked you in the ass in atlanta you know i'm saying i thought that was between us what do you what do you do what do you do so what do you take out saying anything you know just be like lee atlanta no no no i'm just saying like when you do a comedy and you say you bomb in that notebook there's a lot of shit i write in that What the fuck is wrong with this kid? just have to make it like it's it's it's my attention there's one trying to fucking help out or something whatever the fuck i'm trying to do i just journal so when it comes to writing it's easier so if you journal every day oh i gotta write a joke now it's a lot easier right do you journal you know so that's it brother i love it too just getting older and better you can't get older and worse you got to get older and better that's all we are ourselves yeah i learn from every fucking day not a lot just a little bit today i got to work at 803 we'll be there at 801 tomorrow and by thursday i'll be there at 759 yeah just like learning from your mistakes because it is annoying when you when you make the same mistake over and over again call insanity yeah i did that every day for 40 years sporting a line of coke thinking things are going to be different they were the same i owe for this coke you had to rob somebody and that's it yeah you know but we try now you're a doctor we're having a good time i'm not a fucking doctor but in my mind we live like doctors yeah that's what i mean give a fuck because if you don't then you have no boundaries for yourself your goal every day is to live like fucking doctors today i went to i had to go to doctor at 8 30 in the morning okay and i took terry with me because if the doctor talks i don't remember a thing he says when i get home terry's like what he said i have no idea call him yourself so she's like i'm sick and tired of this shit i'm going with you what are you thinking about when he's talking i feel like you just have like a like a metallica song in your head i'm just get me out of here what's all this getting beaten for well the meniscus is gonna rub against it look just fix the knee you're not telling me nothing just fix the knee yeah it's like when you go to somebody's house let me show you the master bedroom let's see the kitchen let's see what's in the refrigerator and let's go to the living room and see the snacks why don't we start with the snacks let's focus on what's important your fucking bathroom and look at your bedroom get the fuck out of here oh like maury remember in goodfellas and this took six months i'm not gonna do that i'll show you my toilet with a shit stain in the middle anything about that right there that's what happens when you don't hang your balls on the other side you shoot up on the top and it slides down oh my god what do you got this week there this week february 3rd 13th bedford falls 10 p.m next week i'm at saratoga comedy works headlining the 21st and the 22nd all right wednesday i'm at tomorrow i'm at the it's the best of the dojo i'm gonna stop by there and i think thursday is the bucket show yes it's sold out already so who gives a fuck so if you didn't get tickets go fuck yourself come to the next one go see who found that if you didn't get tickets go see who kidnapped the fucking idiot's mother that fucking twat i need this shit every fucking day on my tv and we got february 28th the roast of new jersey myself donnell rollins uh rich voss uh the chick with the tattoos oh bonnie bob bonnie mcfarland we got a great little show tiki barber and fucking uh natalie cuomo and that's it guys that's all i got for you thank you for listening i'm sorry i went off the rails um you know like i said if your mother was lost they won't look for your mother so fuck them that's it i love you guys stay black have a great week we'll see you next week you