Carrot Top Whips Out His Big Black Trunk | Your Mom's House Ep. 827

Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. We are live from the Sam's Club Holiday Club Parade. Oh, wait, are those guys? Just snoozing. It's the Food Coma Club. They might lose count of their helpings of turkey, but never their spending. Oh, you hear that? It's the Cool Ants Club in their natural habitat of giving the trendiest gifts. Ah, it's the Deal Hunters Club. No sudden movements. They smell value a mile away. Whatever holiday club you're in, Sam's Club helps you make the most of your holidays. Come join us. Sam's Club. Welcome to another episode of Your Mama's Place. Do you know how many times someone has said that to me? Same, or brought me up on stage and they say it wrong. He has Your Mom's Place, Your Mama's, and he hosts the show Your Mama. Yeah. You'll be like, cool. And fans don't like that. No. They get really upset, and I tell MCs, I've told them, if you mess it up, they will come for you. Don't mess it up, dummy. Learn how to talk, stupid. Yeah, you dummy. Yeah. Big stupid. We're back. We're back. We're back. We're back. I've missed it. Dude, I've missed it here so much. So fun doing this show, and we were out for different reasons. What were you out for again? I did a movie. Oh, right. And then I had my Invisalign kind of adjusted again. That was so painful for you. It sucked. What'd you do? I had my deep flap. I've got new tetas again. Okay, let's not make this all about, you know. Cancer tits. Jesus Christ. They're so good, though. They are good, though. Unbelievable. I don't, I mean, I don't understand. I know. Like how, they're magicians. I know. God bless these doctors, man. Yeah. It was a 12-hour. Surgery. I was in the ICU for three days, and now I have killer tits, and I have a flat stomach. It's so cool. It's amazing. It's amazing. I don't even think you've really, like, seen them. I've seen them. But you haven't, like. All right. I'll take a look. I'm still kind of scabby. Peek-a-boo later. And stuff. It's great. It's amazing. And you've changed. Your body has changed so much. You know, the thing is, here's the thing that's so crazy. I've tried. So many times over the years, different tactics, you know, diets and like, all right, you're doing carnivore. You're going to do the just juice, like all these things to lose weight. And then I went and did a movie where I was just like on set 12 hours a day. And you're like, yeah, I don't really want to eat because I'm in the scene. I don't want to burp. I don't want to feel bloated. Like kind of like when you do stand-up, you're like, I'll eat after. Yeah. So I did that for a month and a half. And then I was like, oh, I lost another. Like 15 pounds doing that. Well, and you are, I think, really happy. Yeah. It was fun. It was very fun. And busy. Yeah. Happy and busy. And the last thing I was thinking about for what is just food. And so, you know, two weeks in, they're like, hey, we have to punch a hole in your belt. And then another two weeks went by. They're like, we have to punch another hole in your belt. And could you stop, please? So that your clothes fits for the rest of the movie. I was like, oh, yeah, it was crazy that I didn't try. And then I got back and I haven't gained a pound yet. Well, that's the way to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Keep on going. Yeah. Look, I don't want you to think that I've been idle or just lazy in this last month that I've been home. That wasn't one of my thoughts. Okay. I don't want you guys to think like, oh, Christina has breast cancer and reconstructive surgery. And she's just laying home on her laurels. Like, I want you to know that I've been working hard. I know. I know you've been working hard. Yeah. You've been up to a lot of stuff. Let's get into it. Yeah. I was going to say, I'm just excited to share. Let's share. Let's catch up. I really want to share. I'd like to know. All right. Here we go. Here's your opening clip, everybody. The best. When people are really in their mind, they need to get. Like when you get stuck and going in circles in your mind, the best way to get out of that is to shove something up your ass. There's actually a truth to that statement. Because from here to there is the same. It's connected. Connected tissue. If you didn't eat food, you didn't show your ass, that wouldn't be a holy spot. It goes up your ass. Yep. Yep. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pagetti. Christina Pagetti. Welcome to your mom's house. Meow, meow, meow. Mm-mm. Meow, meow, meow. Miss this tune. Hell yeah. It's so soulful. Yeah. Oh, shit. It's turning on. It's like a song to me, man. So good to be here. Back in, how was it for you hosting solo? Oh, my God. So the pressure was on. Because I've never operated the board. I've never pushed the buttons. The staff here was incredible. They changed the cool guys to be my gothic heroes. Yeah. It was fun, but I have to say, a little lonely. I need my jeans. It's two mommies, one jeans. I know. I was here with your substitute last week. I saw. I saw. Nobody knew. Everyone thought it was you. I know. I was like, oh, she just doesn't talk much, you know. Which is preferable. Hey. Well, yeah. Did you notice something is back? In town? Yeah. And guess what? It's staying on my side of the goddamn desk. The people have spoken, Tom. The fart mic has returned. Okay, now, also, like I said, I don't want you guys to think I've been lazy since I was gone. I've done some art. Also, just a reminder, Fuck Around and Find Out is still for sale. What's it at now? 50 grand. $50,000. Yep. Wow. And the original is, you know, still there. Oh, you gotta be kidding. The pressure is on. Oh, here we go. I made some other artwork while I was recovering. This one's like Cosmic Cat. I really like that one. Can you show it? Yeah, one second. Okay. This pastel, it's very tricky. This one's, yeah, this one's like cool Cosmic Cat, just kind of a happy guy. Yeah, that's cool. This is when I was on Dilaudid. The best. Yeah. The best. I gotta tell you, if you're out there and you've never fucked around with opiates, the best. It's time to start. I really, and then- Especially if your life's a little out of order, dive in. Dive in. This is Oxycodone. This is- Nice. This is- Oh, that's cool. There's a difference between Dilaudid and Oxy's. Yes. Yeah. This is what I call the mu-A-P. Mm-hmm. Get it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mu-A-P, yeah. Disclosure is coming. Wow. Oxy's. Yeah. And then, this is what I'm most excited for, Tom. Okay. This is what I'm most excited for, Tom, is you. Okay. You are always my muse, and because of your recent body changes and stuff, I just wanted to commemorate this time in your life, the movie, very exciting, and your physique, hella exciting. And this, I thought, what a beautiful way, a tribute to your beautiful body. If you can see here, your thighs are very muscular, your six-pack abs are just showing right through. Look at that. Your chest, your beard is very full. I gave you some hair, because I feel like, you know, artistic license. Sure. There's interesting choices that you made. Thank you. You think that's to scale? Yeah. Yeah, I try. I gave you, yeah. I mean, your belly button's a little high. I could have done better there. Yeah. I gave you some big, beautiful balls. Look at those things. You know what's interesting is it's only balls. What do you mean? Well, there's a thing that you have to do. There's a thing that usually sits on top of the balls. Your pubes. No, below the pubes. No, the pubes. I gave you a voluptuous set of pubes. What would you say is the thing that hangs above the balls, below the pubes? Do you see it? Yeah. No, I gave you a very realistic penis. Realistic. Saying, with the rest of the body, this is all to scale. This is exactly what you look like nude. Okay. I can tell you're not very excited, but hold on. It gets better. So then I thought to myself, I says to myself, self? Uh-huh. This is a guy of action. He's dynamic. Yeah. And here we are. Wow. Here's Tom and the bear. Oh, yeah. Also, I was thinking in terms of poor Oso's branding. What a fantastic new shirt, a new hat. This? For sure. You're wrestling a powerful bear. Look at you. Hold on. Sure. Go ahead. Really enjoy it. This one I like to see your body. It's very flattering, except for. Look at your shoulder. I really spent a lot of time. I'm on the shoulder there. Do you see something that's not that flattering? Yeah, the calf, I kind of. No, the calf looks nice. That was not my best work. That penis is. Perfectly to scale. Wow. Some might say perfectly to scale. It looks like a pinky toe. Oh. Well, you know, I gave you some really nice balls, and I think that's what's important. So I think this should be. the new YMH official artwork, I'd like to have have this up on the set if we could do that josh i don't know you know what guys i'm like i'm as an artist i don't want everything to be just for profit thank you yeah that's very flattering thank you for drawing you're welcome yeah i'm excited really special you got it thanks that's what you see can i say that's actually like it's actually kind of fucking good like you're good at drawing i'm not even gonna lie do you think the penis is flattering well i think i would have maybe chose a you know different what is size perhaps what are you talking about i look as an artist i draw what i see yes i embellish in certain parts but i think that this is accurate very cool thank you for you're welcome i'm so glad you like it i'm so glad i'm so glad you like it forever and i i just want to draw you in different poses holding cats just like that would be nice yeah yeah thank you for that you're very talented thank you um fuck around and find out has a sign prints that are uh oh yes i'm selling those now you can grab those and maybe she will um grant this to the store one day it's really cool tom and the bear we'll see i don't know i if the demand is there i'll we'll do it but i don't i don't want to i just want to be that kind of an artist like i do it for the thrill let's talk about um how do you feel about getting out of your own way by putting things in your ass um just like most people i've been wearing underwear all my life i haven't really strayed from the same brands and fit i usually go for until i tried skims i didn't realize how quickly my other brands become misshapen and raggedy the skim stretch boxer brief has completely changed my view on men's underwear their stretch material might be the softest material i've ever put on my body they're everything i love about my classic boxer briefs but with an unreal quality they don't ride up on you or lose their shape christina has been using skims women's shapewear for a long time and i've been using them for a long time and i've been using them for a while now and is always raving about how great the quality is and now i understand the hype so glad they're offering products for men now shop skims men's at skims.com let them know we sent you after you place your order select podcast in the survey and select our show your mom's house in the drop down menu that follows go to skims.com skims.com and don't in the podcast survey that sent you i've teamed up with draft king sportsbook thanks to them for sponsoring this podcast football season is here and every game feels bigger than the last whether it's that next great touchdown or a wild finish draft king sportsbook lets you stay right in the action here's the offer new customers bet just five dollars you'll get two hundred dollars instantly in bonus bets that's right sign up bet five dollars and you'll get two hundred dollars in bonus bets to play with just make sure you sign up 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and you'll get audio summer is quickly coming to an end so that means it's time to switch gears and lock in that's why i'm reaching for liquid ivs new energy multiplier sugar free hydrating energy zero sugar zero crash and packed to support physical energy hydration focus mood and even social stamina i have liquid iv every morning and every evening i like having it the night but like when i go to bed so i feel like i'm waking up with electrolytes and i'm feeling like i'm getting better and i'm ready to take on the day it's the best one stick 16 ounces of water that's all it takes to hydrate better than water alone liquid ib is powered by live hydroscience a formula of electrolytes essential vitamins and clinically tested nutrients that transform your water into next level hydration we're talking three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink eight key vitamins and nutrients and a formula that's always non-gmo vegan gluten-free dairy-free and soy-free support your energy focus and your health and you'll be able to focus hydration mood and social stamina all without sugar ditch the glitch with zero sugar and zero crash from liquid iv tear poor live more go to liquid ib.com get 20 off your first order with code ymh at checkout that's 20 off your first order with the code ymh at liquid iv.com not inaccurate oh thanks my love not so close to the jesus tyler jesus fucking christ draw him next to me all that hair you can just use one of the photos i have i don't think they're wrong he sends me nudes go ahead it's true he does yeah usually on mondays yeah wow he's like new week new look usually i'm just nude in a pose i love it don't ever stop sending me i want to see his nudes no it's personal but maybe if he grants me one to pass hey do guys send you nudies do men yeah no but men write vile things to me would you say that your primary sexual demographic is dudes yes who are coming yeah i mean the the messages that i get yeah like dudes i get the whole thing these are so cool i get to feel like a woman i get i get things from like they'll be like looking good or like yes daddy this is a hot whatever look on you or like you know yeah what i can't get enough like all those like kind of like you know it's it's a compliment and then the next tier is like god i'd love to eat your ass and like can we find the profiles of these gentlemen i don't want to get into it i'm not no i don't want to highlight them but they're like bears right like they're sometimes sometimes it's totally not a bear look it's just some dude and his profile is just like whatever music and you know shit whatever he's into like seemingly you know just regular shit and then he's just like i'd love if you sat on my face or i just came to this photo and you're like what the fuck man so wild it's wild and you're like oh this is what chicks go through yeah yeah yeah you know what i've been obsessed with carl lagerfeld i watched this series called carl before lagerfeld it was a french show dude pull up that quote that's so funny oh dude the one you sent oh shit i don't have my phone dude he's he's such a hero an image of carl lagerfeld it's absolutely he's so german um everything about he doesn't give a fuck he just says what's in his heart you know okay that's carl lagerfeld for people that don't know he was a legend in fashion he reinvented chanel he did such a good job and um you know he was a staple of fashion for fucking 50 years and then take a look look at him and then he says this today he goes yes some people say to me you're too skinny but never a skinny person says that to me only people who could lose a few pounds say that which is just great yeah great quote and then the other one is he said oh this is so funny sweatpants are a sign of defeat you lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants which is not untrue because during covet i think that was the first time i really got into wearing sweatpants yeah and that is like it is on like some people will be like whatever i love them they're comfy and you're like yeah it is still you're like well fuck it i've given up yeah it's a little bit of a give up there you go sweatpants and he's german yeah sweatpants are a sign of defeat you lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants he's the best dude i mean he dressed like that that's the guy saying that he's amazing like that every day he's the best yes some people say to me you're too skinny but never a skinny person says that to me only people who could lose a few pounds say that yeah and i also like that he didn't like fat models yeah because he was like look it's about the fantasy okay that's why we hire 15 year olds yeah and people were like what he's like he's just saying the truth i'm not going to throw my clothes on a pig what sizes do we have zero two four literally that's fashion especially yeah but my favorite part about carl lagerfeld in this show about his life is that he was a homosexual but an asexual homosexual which to me it's like defeating the purpose of being a gay man like isn't the raddest part about that is just like fucking all the time especially a successful i know fashion gay man do you mind can you imagine the amount of cock this guy could have had in his life insane bro yeah he could do all day yeah and he just passed that up yeah sucking these coxins all day long i'm interested in your cum yeah but he wasn't interested in cum - I know. - Which is so crazy. - So strange, so not gay, if you would. It's such an anomaly. It's an anomaly. An asexual. From here to here, there's polarity because this tissue is the exact same tissue as this tissue. There are two ends of the spectrum. And in between those two, there is an electrical connection. Yes. And when you said that, I was laughing so hard because the first thing that I did when I tried, because I was having issues with my hips and my pelvis. I got fucked. And I knew it in the clinic. I knew the one thing I need to do is rotate the fascia in there. I took my wife's, put it up my ass and turned it and sat on it and bared down on it and started breathing. And it unraveled the inside of my intestine, my organs, because our emotions, our organs are connected to our emotions. For sure. No asshole in the holy hole. William Blunderfeld. There's a blockage. There's a blockage. And so you're right. Most guys should have something shoved up their. Yeah, most guys. And if you're out there and you have hip issues, you know, or something's going on in your knees. Your calf. Your calves are tight. Dude, shove a dildo up your ass. Sit on it. Move around. And you'll see. And then eat the banana for potassium. There you go. But shove it up your ass first. Yeah. That guy's got to stick up his ass, right? We say it for a reason. There needs to be unwinding there. And there's even this extra taboo, the dark place where our shit is stored. Yeah. Right? So when we go up there, we go demon hunting up. Right? We're inviting that to unwind, to open. To release. So can I tell you something biological? Yeah, please. Sure. Is that when you bear down, you always bear down because your digestion always goes in one direction. You always bear down in one way. Okay. And the rectum through the large intestine is green. Intestine. But, and when you unravel the epithelial tissue at the, it actually will unravel all the way through up to the throat. Oh, wow. And that was one of the, it was literally one of the most, when I, when I learned about the fascia, I'm like took a ball, put it up and twisted and held it there. And I thought, well, that's not a day one move, you know, I took a ball and I put it in my ass. There's precursor objects. Would you start with a ball? I don't think, I don't think anyone should start with a ball. I would start with a pinky or, you know, the little homie, put the little one in there. Or even a suppository. I got used to doing that. Yeah. It took once or twice. And now I'm an expert, but. That's awesome. I know. Maybe a ball is next for you. A ball? A ball. He put a ball in his ass. A ball, babe. Yeah. Like nothing crazy. You get like a softball or something. Yeah. I would put a football because the shape is good. But the big thing, if you're going to put balls and lampshades and everything in your ass, you know, tie a string to it. The big problem. Oh my God. Is people lose it in their ass. So true. It feels great. And you're like, I wish I could keep it forever, but you can't. So true. So you don't want to have to do an ER visit, you know? So true. Like tampons. There's a reason. There's a string. That's right. Yeah. That's right. You weren't lost in your cooch, even though it feels so good. It feels so good. And you're like, I love bleeding and I love this whole process. Yeah. Do you think he's a doctor? Like how did he? Uh, no. No. I don't think so. Just the internet wisdom? Yeah. There's electricity between your asshole and your throat. You know, he's just kind of talking about what he likes. Yeah. Yeah. But it's important. You know, it's important to have these conversations. It is. Especially if you have hip issues. I actually loved ass worship because I'm like, I think a lot of women would do that if they knew more about it. Yeah. So can you paint me a picture of what an evening of ass worship has looked like in the past? Yeah. So I had this one ass worshiper and we have met regularly, but he had bought this new chair. And so he started with me when I opened the door, he had like this chair. I'm like, what is that? You know? So he was excited to show it to me and he was like, look, I can eat your ass. So he pulls it out and it's like two straps to kind of hold my ass cheeks open. And then like, so now he's just able to lay under my ass. Like he doesn't have to worry about spraying anything. I don't have to worry about spraying anything. And my asshole is just on full display for him to look at it, worship it, kiss it, lick it. Yeah. Put a ball in there. Yeah. Cool. Right. It sounds like we just need to get a chair, make your life easier. You know, that is a different level to your sex life when you're buying furniture. To fuck. Yeah. And then the kids are like, what is that mom? And you're like, I have tight hips. I have to sit in this to loosen them. They're like, oh, okay. I know. I, I was friends with a couple. I worked with a couple one time and they were together for like 20 years. Kind of like we are. Furniture. Right. Yeah. And he's like, we have a swing. We have a swing. And I was like, like, I just, I don't know. Oh, there it is. Is that on Amazon? It sure is. Wow. They really do have everything. Oh, and then you can pull those straps. Straps looks like to pull your head up. Wow. So you don't have to like, you know what I mean? It supports your head. Oh, yeah. Oh, there it is. The face rider. Amazon. I, that's crazy to me. They got. Amazon's like, what do you want to fucking sit on someone's face? They got no limits, dude. Did you get your zero sugar root beer? Do you want to get this too? Your Halloween costume. Jesus Christ. And your queening chair. That's amazing. I had no idea that Amazon was in this sector. Well, let me tell you, I ordered a scar massager for my breast and it looked awfully a lot like a dildo. Yeah. And I was a little embarrassed. Yeah. It's like waterproof and everything. You know what I don't like about this artwork though? This cover. She looks like she's barely, like, she's like, this is all for him. Like, she's not enjoying it at all. Look at the level of disinterest in that look. She's dead inside. Yeah. Yeah. She's thoroughly dead. Well, she's also doing ass chair worship. She's doing ass chair worship photos. So. And it is vegan leather, which thank God for that. That, for some reason. That's so nice. The, like, the people that love sex toys. Yeah. Are also concerned about shit like that. I don't know why that's, that diagram works. Yeah. But they're like, I want to see where it's easier to eat my partner's ass. Hey, is this environmentally friendly? So true. Like, that's, I don't know why. Yeah. It is a Venn diagram of, like, the non-binary type communities too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. intentionality, and feelings, and then animals. We got to care for the animals. 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If you're worried about showing up in search engines, Squarespace has integrated SEO tools optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated sitemap, and more. So if you've been waiting for a sign to start building your brand, this is it. Head to Squarespace.com slash mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com slash mom. The code is mom. And, like, he's handcuffed to it as well. Yeah. He has no choice but to eat her ass. Yeah. And he's like, I want to get out of here. And she's like, sorry. This is it. It's definitely the girl's idea. Yeah. This is developed for and by women, for sure. Yeah. Right? Yeah, that's cool. Chicks just love building torture chairs for dudes. That's fucking cool. This is such a chick thing. Oh, up to 440 pounds. That's a big bitch. Oh, shit. Jesus Christ. I don't want to eat anyone's ass that's 440. Oh, my God. Look, we were watching a show yesterday, and one of the lesbians was very overweight. Okay. And I was like, can you imagine? What the pussy smells like. I remember. Yeah. I'm just thinking, as a woman, I can say that, right? Yeah, sure. I mean, let's not out her, but yeah. I would never say who this person was. Yeah, it was a big bitch. But I was like, dude. Yeah, stinky. But do you think that's a thing? Like, maybe that's why. Yeah. some gentlemen's like. - Yeah, of course. - 'Cause they like musk yeah of course yeah yeah 440 pounds they're like are you clean get out of here yeah a thousand percent i'll tell you who is clean oh hello oh hello there i could see you with him i like that he's wearing the glasses in the shower i didn't even think about that they're completely fogged up he's like i need them because how is he he's taping in the shower taping himself i've heard fun a lot it's so great yeah wait i wish we were so tight and then that got posted he was like i'm posting this shit this is my thirst trap here's the deal here's the deal that's tight dude but i will get it give him a 10 out of 10 for creativity because you don't see the cool guys come at you from the shower it's always just in a chair they're so lazy they're shirtless there's a fan i'd like a deep dive on this guy he's pretty cool please let me know what's going on in his life this is the don't message me if you're black guy josh just that's the guy that's him that's the guy that's the guy that's un-fucking-believable this guy has hey beware of him white only standard this guy this guy's like you're not welcome in my shower if you're black that's so awesome fuck yeah dude have you seen those memes where they're reading comments to like margot robbie or these highly beautiful women yeah and they're like she really let herself go what a pig and they always go to the guy's profile and he's a monster it's so good that is an unbelievable account it's so good it just it does a deep it's such a brilliant thing it's a dive on the comments left on essentially just gorgeous people yeah and then they show you who left the comment and it's it's it's fantastic we should find that yeah let's find it i think it's on tiktok because this is the guy who's like hey yeah he's like hey bitch put that sandwich down i liked her better when she wasn't so chunky and you're like what who who are you who are you yeah but he is like hey you're not hey yeah no don't have kids no blackies you better have a job no kids don't be yeah yeah oh yeah these these are great let's see men responding boy did that figure go south that's this guy time to hit the gym girl let's see john there's john and she's postpartum chunky deer you better that guy better work out just a cute face shoulders down nothing yeah that's good she fell flat yeah okay he's cute makeup is the devil oh okay frankie well yeah wow her dimensions have surely shifted it's a lot a lot of spray tan yeah women age like milk okay i mean she just had a baby and she still looks amazing yeah that shit's so funny that's crazy it is crazy yeah his standards too he is like i demand these things oh men's response to taylor he's so mid yeah that's what it is this is the one i was thinking of yeah go down further let's see who's um megan fox let's see what they say about me back to megan fox let's go but still has hammer thumbs that guy yeah still looks like a yeah yep i prefer the plastic free version there you go did anybody ask you train wreck train wreck okay looking like an alien that's not a very big fish as long as the domestic goddess girl still stands so you want her to look like megan fox and also be your mommy no offense but there's at least three employees at my local sprouts market that i would much rather spend time with okay yeah you should i mean those are cool two of us i do you want megan fox to be your mommy i do you want megan fox to be your mommy i do you want megan fox to be your mommy okay she looks like every girl in the club after 12 on a friday night they all look the same uh is that a makeup less clown okay yeah i think we got it yeah it's just ridiculous but that's the delusion this this dude it's like i deserve i deserve the best yeah god i wish i had just an ounce of that you know i fight so hard it's hard to have just like a ounce of self-esteem this guy is like yeah you know what i mean sure yeah god damn um this is kind of fun this kind of guy chances are you've seen him try to get to the restaurant sympathized with his wheelchair his drawn hands his story ripped at your heart damn give me money and to get some Police say he's taken his act on tour of the city to places like the Lansdowne Shops, Hamburg, and the Zandale Corridor of Nicholasville Road. We busted this bogus beggar right outside the police department just minutes after a press conference about him. I appreciate you guys busting me. Appreciate this. Yeah, I'm really good at it, really good. I clear about $100,000 a year doing this. $100,000 a year? Yeah, about $60,000 to $100,000. My B-boy, I'm just playing. I got to go, y'all. I got to make some money. He was back at it again. Money for the fuck, dude. Pretty cool, right? He plays a better tard than Leonardo DiCaprio. That was pretty good. That's Gary Thompson. That's really good. You should get into acting. Pull up What's Eating Gilbert Grape. I mean, that was really convincing. Leonardo. He was still too attractive to play. Yeah. He was really good looking when he was doing that. He was like a teen, right? Yeah. He was just so handsome. Yeah, this is the key. This guy, Gary, he can walk, has been caught using the money he gets for cocaine. Yeah. So, yeah, that's somebody who was suspicious of him at one point, watched him and then figured out that he was faking it. How long did he do? Oh, my God. Dad. Arnie. Dad's dead. Arnie, shh. Dad's dead. Oh, look at Johnny Depp. Johnny, jeez. See, it's like Johnny Depp can't play that either. Neither can Leonardo. He's still. Real good Johnny time. Oh, my God. Look at him. Look at the hair. Jesus Christ. I know. This and the Edward Scissorhands time? Yeah. I mean, okay, hold on. Yeah. I mean, this is Sophie's choice, but Brad Pitt and Fight Club, like prime Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp and What's Eating Gilbert Grape Time. What are you, fucking stupid? I mean, look at Brad. Yeah, it's BP all the way, dude. Yeah? Yeah. The pit stop, your best friend. Well, look, everyone has their. Oh, fuck. If you polled people, there would definitely be a lot of people that prefer Johnny. For sure. That's just the way the world works. Well, those are two different vibes. It's a different vibe. Okay, hold on. Johnny. But that's the best BP. It's the best. This is the. Tie it at BP. So Johnny's more of like the sensitive thumb ring guy. Yeah, also. Chocolat. BP and Fight Club is a goddamn psychopath. Yeah, it's so hot. It's a cool aesthetic, but he's fucking a lunatic. Yeah. They're both worthy aesthetics. Yeah. But like, oh, God, it's so tough. Because Johnny Depp will like read you poetry. He's definitely going to play some songs, which I know you love. I hate the acoustic guitar. He's going to have six bottles of wine. Oh, fuck. Oh, I know, I know, dude. That's the best part. He gets too drunk, and then he'll yell at you. He smokes a hundred cigarettes, and he's like, you fucking bitch. Yeah. But then, but here's the thing. He and that Amber Heard, they would fuck and fight. Yeah. And fuck and fight. I mean, that was an electric relationship. That's a good relationship. Yeah, it was great. So if you're into that, then Johnny's your guy. But he knew. He knew. This pussy's wild. And he knew it had to get out of there. Yeah, of course. I'm sure it's just bananas. But yo, was he. Was he throwing around, like, Kate Moss and shit back in the day, you think? Yeah, he was banging whoever he wanted. But was he throwing them. But was he, like, doing this Johnny Depp thing, where he was drinking a lot and cursing at them and stuff? I don't know. Because Kate's cool. She wouldn't say. But also, here's the thing, though. That trial kind of revealed that, like, yeah, he likes his wine. Yeah. But he wasn't an abusive prick. She was fucking psychotic. Of course. That's what that whole trial revealed. Yeah, it was kerosene and gasoline, the two of them. It was bad, dude. Just, like, full kerosene and fire, I guess. Yeah. Wow. All right. Let's take a quick break. I can't believe you chose Brad Pitt to fuck over Johnny Depp. I'm like. It's like, do I even know you? Aren't we even married? Do you? All right. We'll be right back. And we are back. And we're talking about. super excited today you can see this gentleman nightly at the luxor in vegas you go to carrot top.com for tickets it's carrot top oh my goodness all right thank you for having me hell yeah dude thank you thank even your your producers thank you over here clapping over there hell yeah man everyone's still here this is awesome this is awesome dude um you've been you've been performing for a long time yeah and you've been in vegas for a long time yeah almost 30 years that's insane to me yeah you know i used to have this thing where i would go like because when you start working as a comic and you get vegas offers you know you're making let's say on the road you're making 1200 bucks a week they go hey we got an offer for you you go to vegas you're gonna make two grand this week you're like what the fuck and then they go and you're gonna do monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday you're like two shows a night no literally i have the clubs they do that there's like three shows on a night and i would get fucking you yeah because also you realize i get depressed just doing one yeah but it's like the atmosphere and you realize like you don't you don't have you can't afford actually anything it's an illusion sure and then you're like oh i just want to be able to pay my bills but i'm spending six days here yeah and then so you're like you're in the you're in the consumer city and it's like don't consume anything yeah it's a it's a kind of a mind and then you eat your meals in the cafeteria no it's it's uh i'm i'm lucky because i have a house there so i don't but for the first couple months of course yeah the hotel life and you you do it's very depressing yes um you got to get out of here yeah it's like being on a cruise ship that does that that's that's locked yeah same people every you just gotta you have to get out of there so get a house get a house and get out of that norm it's nice that made it made it easier so now though now vegas feels home yeah it's home and you know i it's a it's the best gig in the world i mean you know you leave your house go in do the show um go home that's great suppose getting on a plane and try but it's still you know it's work it's six nights a week i do i do i do do six shows a week so it's a it's not an easy um it's not a slide through you know no and how long is your show it's about too long it's about an hour and a half damn an hour and a half yeah and you still have like the one thing that you know two tours ago i was doing doubles every night right yeah all over so it'd be like i'd be in a city and do two tuesday two wednesday two like i know and then i you know i'm 46 and on this tour i was like hey man i can't do it right i can't do that anymore right no doubt i don't understand how the the stamina i like just one anyhow but just for purple just not only for me i just think one show you're putting it all in yes i think every ever going way back when i was playing clubs when they had two or three shows you're they have you have the crowd you're there the people already lined up outside for the second one yeah it feels like it's not a special to me it feels like it's not a special to me i agree you know what i mean yeah they're in there doing it and then we're going to do the same thing to another i like the one crowd one thing you give it your all and then and then that's it one show but everything you got into it now you started in florida you said florida yeah that's where you're from yeah where where in florida uh well actually rock ledge but it's coco yeah yeah well coco not coco beach that's what's funny so people always say i'd say coco coco beach i'm like well this coco yeah and then there's merit island and then there's coco beach different yeah we don't have running water in coco yeah go to coco beach there's there's a surf shop and there's things and is that where you went to high school and all that yeah coco high school okay wow so i was in uh vero beach okay it's not too far yeah no the dodgers used to spring training and spring training there for like 50 years until one of the guys that bought it was like we're not doing that anymore yeah and that depressed the entire team yeah um but we used to go to coco to watch uh shuttle launches right yeah that's where my dad worked my dad worked at the space center and watched you know every launch known to mankind and what's funny now because you look back looking back on it you're like well i want you know i wanted i wanted to ride my bike i wanted to go watch brady bunch and partridge family i didn't want to go to a launch yeah and so my dad's like no we're going to a long you know you meet all the ass you're shaking hands with john young and john you know neil armstrong and you don't even know holy um and then as you get older you realize oh i got to meet like real rock stars yeah real astronauts you know and you're watching a real rocket you know so i remember one time we took um i must have been like a sophomore i think in high school we took the bus like a school bus from vero up to coco and the launch was in the evening and so it's it's dark out and then when that thing launched you know it stayed daylight from the rocket in that crazy for like yeah seven minutes yeah yeah and the and the thunder of the the rocket i mean it's a real deal right it's really so now the electric ones yeah you know yeah launch is going to go the old days it's a guttural thing big sonic boom and it's awesome it's great it's awesome dude yeah was your father like an engineer yeah smart guy very i don't know how i was i must have been i would say my my show my whole adopted life i wanted to because my brother was an air force academy graduate f-16 pilot my dad worked at nasa and i have a you know walkers with dildos strapped to him so yeah you know it's you know it's just yeah it's different oh we get it i'm kind of fascinated by this aspect of it because like everybody knows you do props yeah it's part of your show like i met a high level magician one time and we were talking and i was like look i'm not asking you tell me how you do the trick but like i'm asking you like what's the process like of like like how are you going to dive into one of your magic tricks you know we had a conversation about that do you like see things and go i gotta like i'll make a joke for this or does the joke kind of come and then you support it with a prop both both yeah sometimes i'll see something and i'm just like there's something fun i i mean you know on the road for years we're just driving on the road and there'll be a yard sale and of course you know it's it's cracked for me so i'd be like stop we got to go through the yard and i would just roam and i'd see objects like uh one was a little toilet it was just a mini toilet it was you know 50 cents whatever i would have paid 100 bucks for it was a little toilet so i just had it on the bus for a couple days i'm like there's something funny about a little toilet so then i thought i know what it'll be it'll be a plate for bulimics so i made a plate and then you strap it to the toilet so you could eat and throw up at the same time and it was like my you know it was a one of my closers as you say back in the day yeah and i remember doing that on the tonight show and gary shanley was a guest and i was just i was so nerve racked right because he he sometimes the guests leave sometimes he said you know i'm gonna stay and watch karen i was like oh god i'm you know i'm performing in front of my one of my heroes sure and this is so dumb i'm you know this crap i'm doing i kept looking over he's dying so we sat down the commercial break and all he always said was play for bulimics and he said that is genius and i decided oh good he just loved it he did and then he went over and said how did how do you because a lot of people say where do you where do you find all this i'm like no i make it i don't i don't yeah fine regis always said that to me yeah for like nine years i would do the uh the play for bulimics they i would do um regis at kilver i did great show at kilver i did great show at kilver and at the end he said this guy huh where does he find this stuff and i said well no i don't i make it like we just thought i just found a plate for bulimics and someone already made that and i just oh wow you know i wish they did and make sure my job a lot easier yeah but you have to actually construct this construct it i got into that with kill tony last night we were doing the show when he you know he said something because it was it was one that had it was uh you know it took some thought yeah into it um most of them do there's a thought process it's not just a like he oh you just take a sharpie and put it on a beer so if you like to eat or drink and write i'm like no that's not the that's not a prop it has to be somewhat inventive it does yeah so that's where i got my dad's i think my dad's yeah engineering a little bit of my dad's brain yeah and so how often do you have to like turn over a show like do you it's always evolving my judge uh for me my what i unless i'm doing like shows where i want to i have to like when i do the tonight shows all the time you have to have a new a new set sure you can't do the same set so i i'm always writing i think that's one of my favorite things about this job is the creative process of writing all the time not only for me but i think for the audience because the audience you know we do get turn around we have a lot of you know how people have been the show and you know sometimes people have been there 19 times so you're like oh yeah i got to get i got to get another plate for bulimic joke yeah a new one a new one so uh it's always good for me and my crew and for the audience because they they know it they're savvy i mean the crowds know so like that's a new one that's great yeah that's fucking rad and topical if it's something very topical people like last night we wanted to say now that's topical so i say i get credit i get bonus points i mean it's it's in the news yeah yeah it's incredible i just i the stamina to do what you do the nightly shows so wait when you're in vegas is it seven nights six six six six what day take off sunday sunday sunday the lord's day yes and then you do your worship i would like like a what is it what's the chicken place that closes in chick-fil-a yeah we're like chick-fil-a we close in sunday yeah wow and you do have a lot of energy too like you're a high energy guy yeah like right now i'm pretty like i don't think i flew all the way we've been flying but uh no it's um yeah you find that you find the energy you know that right yeah you find the energy in stage it's a different uh different when you get into the zone you know how many times we've met with you work with comics that uh older be i mean literally george burns i was blessed to i was on a comic relief and they wheeled george burns right next to him i'm standing there i was going to go on after him and he was just sitting there in the cherry and he was just i it just like oh my first i'm just like oh my gosh george burns yeah and then they handed him his cigar and they said ladies and gentlemen george burns and they got him and he almost ran out there and just killed and then he he came up sat in the chair and again i say he used all that energy to get wow to that set but um i'm not quite there yet i'm gonna sit in my chair they go scott and what's that we gotta go but you're also my cigar where's my cigar that's from carrying all my hate mail you gotta carry all this shit around the country all these years but that's true what what prompted your fitness i always i always worked out when i was in my junior high i i got into wrestling so i always worked out when i was 13 14 15 all the way through high school i was on the swim team i didn't realize but that's so that's a little that's i think that was a more that's not me now but i got uh i got pretty i got pretty you know jack and what's weird is when you're calm again you're not allowed to be in shape no no you're in shape you're like what's wrong with you well it's like this though it's like it's like if you went on stage and like took your shirt off but i would never do no i know you wouldn't but the like what i'm saying is people would look at this and go all right like the men are feeling like threatened right the women are like wow and then you're like no one's listening to you they're just distracted and some men are going yeah some guys are going like i like this too we were talking about that with tom do you have a lot of dudes that that like you tom gets a lot of dude oh yeah we could like yeah i always find that funny because people say man you know gay bar and some guy hit on me i'm like be thrilled you should be excited that someone anyone hits on you you should be happy right yeah man woman animal anyone that likes you you should be very happy yeah i mean it's super flattering very flattering yeah do you have a relationship are you able to just all my props and yeah with my people you know no i don't i i'm not in anything yeah yeah it's got to be hard i imagine because you're you're performing six nights is it hard or is it the best it's the best shut up you shut your mouth no it's it's the best yeah no i i i chose i mean i could probably have a relationship but uh i know i i mean i've had them in the past and i just i i find i find life more fun i just i'm on the go and everywhere even having a dog i had a dog forever and it was just the hardest thing traveling and worrying about anybody i'm do you still travel a lot though not as not as much we do some road shows but the vegas show consumes a lot at 240 shows a year my manager has a car payment you know someone has to do something i was gonna say you're stacking checks bro you got no ex-wives no ex-wives you're just sitting on a mountain money in vegas i'm well trying to stay in contact yeah but i live in florida and and vegas so so look at that so then again people always say hey you're pretty smart you get that you pick the two i said well no i was born and raised in vegas and i was born and raised in vegas and i was born and raised in one and i worked in the other one so sure it's all kind of didn't plan it but but it's not an accident yeah sure yeah well do you have fun with your money i don't buy anything i'm one of those weird i'm not like jaylen or i don't know i just do i hate what he does i have like you know one car yeah and in fact i tried getting on jaylen because i've been the tonight show thousands of times and we had the car show i said to him when i said hey put me on your you know i was on your tonight show 35 put me on the car show and he's like uh oh you know my car i said no i know nothing about cars but it'd still be fun to be on he said well no you gotta know about cars i said no the big funny thing is i don't know shit about cars yeah that's what makes me funny you bring me on and you're like you know in my car then you just you talk about the cars yeah and i learned like where's the carburetor at yeah you know i don't need to know but he's uh he's uh he's a he was one you know leno was the really the like regis and leno's car he's a great guy he's a great guy he's a great guy he's a great and all those guys when i first started they were so good to me they yeah every time i had a new set they would say you know come on and jay would get so much slack he'd tell me he's i go through airports i'm like how can he keep fucking carrot top he's like he always brings the guns he brings the thing you know he does the thing really that people were giving him shit yeah because of the comics like you know why you have carrot top on every other week he's like well because he delivers say because they deliver and then i say i'm sorry jay i'm had to do you know no you fuck them you know they do yeah he's great i love i just like seeing jay when he says fuck because you don't like you it's so silly and he's backstage like hey fucking anthony but you did come up at a time where you had to be squeaky clean because if you wanted to have a career fairs i did state fairs and yeah i mean college is weird because i would do a college um on a whatever night thursday night at university of florida and then on the weekend i would do a state fair in like iowa and it was you could say anything you wanted to college some colleges and then you're at a state fair where it's g and then the next night was a theater where i could do whatever i wanted so it was very so you had to pivot yeah i mean it was so it was challenging which was good but it would be really hard yeah you know and then next time you're back with g right hey you know hey guys you know yeah and then in the college like who's fucking out there you know bongs with mirrors on them you know shit that people wanted to see but see that i don't imagine you because i grew up watching the clean version on television yeah sure so the fact that you're even saying like you said i have a walker with dildos like you just blew my mind yeah a lot of people they do think that it's like the bob saget kind of thing yeah because everyone of course bob saget was you know full house and just the cleanest and they go to the clubs he's just and people were like this is not where's the guy from full house i opened him for him one time we did a weekend at the improv i think we were in uh brea and yeah like we met and i i still remember that i was like oh how should i bring you up like what should i you know so i was in the habit of the credits he's like they know why they're here yeah okay which i kind of liked i respected it honestly that he was like you don't have to tell them bob saget bitch he's like sorry tell him the credits i was like okay and then i brought him up and then he was like god i bet your pussy smells and i was like wow and it was just like yeah some people are shocked because they haven't seen the shows yeah at the state fairs and they come to me they're like oh hey jesus and i will say it's it's vegas you know yeah it's not your i'm not your grandpa's carrot but where do you prefer to work with what's your well i mean i like to have the freedom of doing all of it you know last night at the kilton it was it's such a raw it's it's it's just old school for me it reminds me of the old clubs when you yeah the smoke-filled people sing at tables drinking and rowdy and just everything works yeah you know every joke it will work great crowds i i like those i mean i i don't you know my least favorite would be corporate gigs unless you're watching i love being i love being booked for corporate gigs dude i did a corporate this year and i still remember getting the call and being like i don't know man and then i was like yeah okay i'll do it and then being there backstage with my friend and being like we're about to eat shit dude we're about to eat shit here right and we did yeah we totally fucking ate it's the worst feeling i think i i might have said something similar when i was up there i said that you guys are eating and now i'm eating uh shit yeah yeah tell them that you know and they're like they don't they're just horrible it's it i had one for starbucks that was incredible i had one for incredible it was at bally's in vegas and almost like you're making it up but they the crowd was wired i mean like they had all had fucking starbucks coffees right yeah and you walk out and it was just oh and it was like a college you just rock star shit that's dream then you do one where it's just i don't know if i'm like a company a tech company yeah and and literally crickets i mean i think i even made a joke a prop what had crickets on just because if i do a corporate gig this is what is happening right now just horrible i did uh it was your wounds and you go back to vegas i'm okay i am i am a comic you actually go you leave those and you're like i gotta get on another stage right no it's right away you got or or yeah just quit we have off a bridge this was a private you know corporate event and it was in arizona at a really nice like resort and right before they're i'm like when am i going up they're like you're gonna be up in a minute and um they they go hold on a second and then this woman goes on stage and she's like there are children that are dying and we're gonna do an auction real quick for like fundraising for the kids in like el salvador and i was like oh boy and then they transitioned from and by the way no one was bidding so they were like three thousand god no one's bidding two thousand like lowering the price for the kids and then they put it then they transitioned on the screen welcome comedy superstar i was like and i walked out and no nobody clapped dude no we very similar yeah yeah i know a lot of comics have had that that happened yeah yeah the jerry lewis telethon it made me think this is exactly this is true god strike me dead so i i'm on ed mcmahon is is gonna bring me out and uh jerry goes out like a breaking news he walked by and i'll be right back stay stay ready kid he went out he wasn't supposed to ed was gonna bring me out and he said this just in and he said um one of our children has just passed away i mean like right now right like right now he's holding the note he's you know he's shaking it reading and he's like you know timothy so and they should they pull the picture of him up and he's everyone's crying everyone i'm crying ed mcmahon is we're all fucking dying and all i did was look over ed i said he's he's not bringing me up is he and he said uh he might and i said well he wouldn't be able to bring me up and i said well he wouldn't be able to bring me up he wouldn't be able to bring me up do that he might and sure shit he's just done he goes well if anybody can make everybody feel better now is this guy no swear to god care you know Same thing, comedy and Carrot Top. And I'm like, you have no time to think. So you go out and you hug him and you wipe your tears down. I go, hi. And it's like five jokes in, still nothing. The band, I finally get the band. I said, you know, when I got the band, then they all started to loosen up. But the whole set was just disastrous. And I came off and Jerry said, I did that because you're a pro. You're the only one that could do it. I said, well, don't ever fucking do that to me again. Yeah, that was horrible, dude. I think it was Sickler, our friend Ryan Sickler, who did, he got booked to do the Christmas party for the Robbery Homicide Division of LAPD. And he said that, they're like, all right, we're going to have some laughs. But first, let's take a moment to our fallen brothers. And they talked about officers that had died during the year. And they're like, all right, let's laugh it up now. Everybody had a moment. Forgot all those dead people. That never happened. You got me thinking, that's in my brain. So think of LAPD. Yeah. This is crazy. Jerry Lewis again. This is when it was in LA. I had gone out. This is a little more fun. But it was still weird. I had had all these OJ jokes, right? Because OJ. Yeah. This is a good time for comedy. Right? Yeah. I had a belt that had bloody gloves that were Velcroed to the belt so you could, you know. Toss them. Toss them on the, you know, because they were planting. Because they were planting gloves, dead gloves, red gloves. So I literally am standing there with the props. Opening was an open out. I said, hey, look, I got a belt for LAPD so they can plant a glove. There's 35, 40 LAPD officers all backstage. Just all, they're all like, dude, big fan, man. Big fans. And I'm like, right on. Kill it. Have fun. I said, right on. And I look back and I go out and I open with that joke. And I'm thinking. They're going to be dying. Oh, no. No, they were losing it. I thought they were going to be mad. I got done. I did like three or four. Football with a knife on it. All these stupid OJ jokes. Yeah. And I came back. Yeah. They were like, that was great. You could get fired if you were laughing at these jokes. But awkward, awkward moments when you don't know what to do. Of course. One time I was headlining a bar by the airport and a Samoan woman got punched out and bled all over the floor and the ambulance came and took her away. And they're like, well, let's start the show. Jesus. That's just what that. I was like, really? That's so weird. It's like in Pittsburgh. We had done a show in Pittsburgh and me and my crew went out to get a drink at this really, really just seedy bar in Pittsburgh, right? Downtown. Snowing out. We go in. This fight breaks out. It's only me, my two of my buddies on the crew and these two guys. And these two guys, I could hear them starting to, you know, the sound of a fight. You hear that shit, that weird noise. You're like, holy fuck. Yeah. And I turn around. This guy is beating literally the shit out of him. I mean, to the point where he's dead. The bartender knows them both. You know, Frank. Frank. Frank. Bill. And he's looking over the bar. Stop. Stop. Stop. And the guy wouldn't stop. So he jumps over the bar, pulls him off. The guy is literally looks dead. He goes, ah, fuck. Call a cab. A cab. A cab. A cab. Yeah. I mean, you think of that guy. The guy's dead. And again, they call a cab. And my buddy's like, call a fucking ambulance. The guy, a cab? That's Pittsburgh. Always. Holy shit. Or just even in the summertime when people pass out in clubs during your shows. Oh, yeah. You know, like the heat. They've been drinking. Oh, you get that in Vegas all the time. Do you ever wonder where inspiration comes from? All the time, bro. This is something. Where did you get your ideas from? From working in a mortuary when you were 15? Adolf Hitler. What do you mean by that, I was saying? Not for, Adolf Hitler had a charisma in a bad way. And I, I kind of admired him. He was a freak. He was a lunatic. But he had something about him. Babe, is this? Is this in the folder of guys who love Hitler? We should start a whole new segment. No, that was, that was so creepy. We've had so many people that admire Hitler. Like, there should be a folder now of dudes who love it because people reference him constantly. Yeah, I don't, I never have. Got to be honest. No, I know. Got to be honest, never done, never done. How'd you get your start? Well, what made you get into comedy? It means something different to guys like Hitler. Why do I have Hitler's picture in the, behind my desk? Gosh. Because it's arguably the best. It's probably the best salesman that ever lived. How do you get 60, 70, 80 million people to genocide 10 million people? Either those 10 million people had to do something terrible, which wasn't the case, or you got to be a slick motherfucker. I mean, and he was. Okay. And that's why I have his photo behind my desk. That's why I have his photo behind my desk. Like, yeah, the fuck? Yeah. You know, I did a Gene Simmons show one time. It reminds me of everything kind of gets you onto a theme. Yes, we love Gene. We're doing so, yeah, I don't know. Friend of the show. I, I invented the. I can't do a good Gene Simmons, but he says, he says, Scott, we were filming at his house and for a show and I, I was walking around and, you know, I'm messing with him because he's, he's so, he could, he's, he's so easy to. Yeah. So I, I said, I'm, you know, the cameras are with me. He says that we have, you know, anything KISS related we have. And I said, yeah, well, I see that. He goes, no, name anything. And we have it. So I said, all right, KISS. You know, we have, of course we have KISS condoms. I mean, you have a KISS casket. So I said, I, I ran out of things to ask. I know he has a, you know, blow up doll, KISS blow up doll, everything. So if I don't have the cameras there, he says, I said, no, I want to be deadly honest with you. And I hope don't, I hope I don't offend you. Um, cause you're probably not going to find this very nice, but I, I, I've never heard of your band, but apparently you are very successful. And he's like, never heard of KISS. And I said, no. See, that's what I'm saying. I don't, I'm not trying to like, I'm not saying in a mean way. I just, you have, you must've done well. I just, I don't know. I don't know the band. I've seen this logo and things. I didn't know it was a band. And he's just looking at me like, you don't know fucking KISS. I said, no, I know. I said, I know, I know Hanson. Yeah. And he was like, Hanson. I swear to God. He's like, Hanson. And I said, yeah, Bob. I said, I know that guy. Those guys, they're really good. He just looked at me and the camera guys are, are shaking. They know I'm fucking. And I'm finally like, you're kidding with me, right? I said, yeah, I'm completely kidding me. Of course I know who KISS. I go to the restroom and he says, you go in the restroom. And I go in there and there's a Beatles, a signed Beatles album on the ground. On the ground. By the commode. Oh shit. So I'm like, what the fuck's that? So I go out and I said, Hey, I got a question. Now that I know you're, I know who KISS is. Why do you have a signed Beatles album? He goes, oh, that's a very observational view. I said, well, why? He says. Cause I don't respect them. They didn't own the rights to their music. So they are nothing. And then I'm like, what? He's that, but he was serious. Cause he has a marketing thing. And then I just saw him on a podcast maybe a week ago. And he says the best band in the world were the Beatles. And I'm like, what the fuck? Seriously. I don't know if it changes his mind. Maybe it changes his mind. I said, can I have the, can I take it? Cause I'll take the signed Beatles album. Gene is a great capitalist. Oh, we are. Look at that. Yeah. He respects money making. Oh, absolutely. He was a, he was a great guest. He was awesome. Oh, great. He was awesome. Yeah. Wonderful. Wonderful. He's so funny. So tell me like, as far as what's in the, what's in the case today? I don't even know. You don't even know. No, I know some things I brought. I was doing the Tony show. Of course he was like, please, please, please bring, bring your little babies. So I, I, I brought a few. I, this one is brand new. I mean, I only, the last night I tried it, it worked, but I had never done it. Okay. And I, whenever I used to do a show, especially the tonight show, that was my thing is to always make one backstage that's never been tested. Backstage? Oh yeah. Before the show, like before rehearsal, I wouldn't even rehearse it. Oh my God. And I would go back in the green room and I'd build it. And sometimes the Jay would come in and say again, you want to eat? I said, I'm just making, are you fixing it? I said, no, I'm making it. I had never. And he was like, you've never done it? I said, yeah. Like every comic practices their, their shit. But I, in fact, that was my, my thing. It gave me adrenaline. Sure. So the rush. But it, but I did it last night. It did good. So the joke, first, the setup is guys, a lot of guys, they get drunk, they punch a wall. Right. And that's what happened. I heard a friend of mine backstage. What happened to your hand? He's, uh, so what'd you do to it? He's always gotten something wrong with it. Well, what'd you do to your hand? He said, I got mad and I punched the fucking wall. I said, you punched the wall? Jesus Christ. He goes, yeah, I fucking, I broke, I broke his hand when he hit the wall. I said, well, you shouldn't. So I thought, it's gotta be a joke. So I said, they should have. I have a beer, a beer with a stud finder on it. So you can find out where the, where the, where the punch. That's very funny. Yeah. And then Tony's like, I mean, it was great. And then later on, he's like, so is that how you do it? You just, you just take something and tape to it. I said, no, I had to build, I had to find an actual fucking buzzer bell. This part's completely different than the, see the butt. Oh yeah. This didn't have a bink, a thing on it. Yeah. And this had to be wired into this. And then it took, this is the NASA shit. This is NASA. This is NASA shit right here. This is what I want to ask you though. So like. Then you go to the airport security though. What the fuck is this? What is this? Yeah. So this, you, you. Oh, it's Carrot Top. It's okay. No, it's a bomb. No, it's Carrot Top. It's fine. You came up with this. It works. Will you like, like, cause it's new, new stuff's always fun, right? Yeah, sure. So like, will it be, you'll be like, I'll do this now for a few weeks and then decide whether I want to keep it or it'll always just kind of be around? Oh, if, well, since it's working and it's, it'll be around for a bit. Yeah. Because I get to build it. I used to do on the, when I did the road shows, I would have it called Carrot Classics is exactly what it says in the lid there. It would be all my, uh, okay. classics yeah i've been doing it 40 years so people that would have seen me in the late 80s you know i'd say hey here's some stuff you know that might it's still relevant and then people that are 15 year olds would be like well that's cool it's just you know so that would be or i'd do a new trunk i have so this is all brand new and it's kind of fun because it really is new and and the crowd will tell you if it sucks or not pretty much dude how important is um getting luggage to places for you it's got to be oh it's a nightmare supreme uh yeah and i've lost it before of course um i was and this is great i'm on an airplane leaving charlotte north carolina it's like six five thirty in the morning i was going to do regis and it's live you know live with regis which i always thought was funny like is that show live it's fucking called live yeah so i go and i said to them like please don't um keep an eye on my luggage it's like my my my yeah oh we got it i said it's a it's a trunk with flowers on it you cannot miss it please make sure and i'm all dead honest i get on the plane and i'm i'm still nervous i got my little notebook and i'm just and i'm just looking out it's like raining i just kind of look out the window so it's not even sunlight yet and i see my trunk going on the belly of the plane next of our plane and if i hadn't looked i just looked over and i was like what the and they're closing the door i'm like wait and she's like sir i said wait wait i said my the my bag is going on the other plane oh my god and she's like well i you know all bags look alike are you sure it's yours i said it's either she's my trunk or donny and marie's fucking you know it's it's 60s flower it's it's my trunk yeah and so the pilot was nice enough to stop and they knew i was doing the show and they stopped they got it back on and people were on the plane they're all pissed yeah sorry waiting on carrot top flower sorry everybody have you caught that though that's amazing have you ever not had your bag of props no i think well we had like a blizzard snow thing and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i think we got close i think but no we've always i think we always made it uh yeah because we would use back in the day you know i would i would fly now we we we drive with it or ship if we do road shows it's on the bus or on the truck so we have it all have you ever sold these gadgets like do you ever no but i've had some that i've been ripped off and uh you know stolen from me my and my friends are always like didn't you do that i'm like yeah like in 87 i did this prop and then you and then some other company no not a comic usually it's a company like oh you know at the home depot you can get yeah one and one in particular i brought it because it was so um i was so proud of it and it wasn't a funny the crowd would laugh but it was more like you know the crowd would get in this reaction like and said i said right but it was funny i'll show you so and it's so elementary it's like when i got my dad's and brain toilet paper right a dispenser yeah it's so it's you'll be like this is so weird so a lot of people like toilet paper under the roll oh right that's a big debate and some people like it over the roll yeah right and that's great you start that with the crowd how many people like it over the roll half the crowd happily under the roll ah exactly so that's why i said i made this toilet paper dispenser so if you want it under it goes under right and if you want it over you just flip it oh yeah and the crowd would go i go right and they would go dude and i'm like yeah and it was just it was but then you see a thing i forget one of my friends sent it was a commercial guy's like that's why i invented the toilet paper flipper i didn't even call the toilet paper flipper that's some of them you should have fucking sued that guy that's such a good idea yeah no it is i know it has been there's been a lot of them i had a baseball bat during wherever the strike was the baseball strike 94 maybe uh-huh where the baseball players were all on strike and nobody was getting hits it was horrible so i made a bat when you'd swing it it was a little piece of wood that had a hinge and it would go it would make a pop and it was so element right yeah so this is a bat so you feel like you're getting a hit or sound like you're at least it sounds like this getting hits and wham-o has a bat now where you swing it and it goes you know wow fuckers i might sue wham-o they probably don't know about that toilet paper guy might not have but um but the wham-o guys guys might they got something they got something for you yeah well i think the statue of limit right i mean i did it in the 80s though right you know i feel like you could single-handedly have like a spencer's remember that story spencer's dude you could open the carrot top store in vegas like at the fucking luxor bro and just holy shit uh that's not a bad idea that's actually a very good thank you blondie every now and then every now and then she comes up with something i like that yeah you could sell all the shit there's a lot of shit i would buy this stud finder right just for just a half yeah it's so funny just to have yeah yeah dude um what's this is for uh oh any here you go what do you think what does that even mean i just got finished bang and seven twinks and they see the bulge and now i'm gonna get on prep but but make sure you're yeah you're prepped make sure you're clean and ready to go or does he mean prep the b-hole hit prep the b-hole make sure your b-holes are ready for me what do you think any uh i think carrot top summed it up what the fuck yeah that was that was that where did that just come from the live thing no it's the hiv prep that's what i said prep oh sorry so it's probably the prep now i'm definitely gonna get on prep well you better be now if you just bang seven twinks i thought it just meant seven a lot man seven i never even ate seven twinkies before right that's jesus yeah yeah your refractory i mean what's going on he's like 20 yeah he's ready to go damn go on you know what's crazy i would not have guessed any of those guys were gay dude imagine imagine sharing that house for like a month i don't know that's like backstage at my my show isn't it that's right for the show my crew comes down you kiss them all because how big of a crew do you if you do go and do a road show how big is that crew oh we got well like six or so we got okay yeah video sound sure prop main stage yeah so much and is that like pretty much what's the vegas crew too or is it much bigger we have we have uh my normal crew plus the union crew all right so we got about 12 something like that okay working yeah that's great but there's a lot there is a lot you know there's more this production of the show i mean like there's a lot of people there's a lot of people there's a lot of people lights there's strobe lights and fog machines and video wall and interactive kind of uh yeah thing that's what's kind of hard when i go on the road too it was you know a comic shows up as a mic there ready in a stool and i'm like shit i gotta bring a semi full of shit yeah yeah that's a lot that is a lot i respect you so much though it's such like a like you go for it and i think there was a time in comedy where it was like whatever i don't care i don't trying it's like well then why are you doing this you should try you should try to be funny that's the fucking point i think that's part of the yeah try i mean at least try write a punchline we had some i know we had there was a couple guys last night you know that that show that it was kind of shocking because the the ones that really were funny how long you've been doing it they said you know a year and the ones that weren't fine how long you've been doing there's like you know seven years i'm like seven years you know i think maybe you should stop but you don't you don't tell him that you don't tell him that but i mean you know if you're seven years in and you that's it dude you know i did it one time i did the show one time where the guy came out and was like you know he there's a certain type of stage presence that somebody has automatically right and i was like oh this guy's got stage presence and then his set went sideways and we're like how long you've been doing it he was like 15 years we were like you've been doing this 15 years he was like yeah i was like bro this you gotta you gotta focus you gotta maybe or just stop yeah yeah stop yeah so depressing yeah oh yeah 15 years god yeah and yeah right away they have the present and sometimes like the interviews went better than their set yeah yeah of course but they interview they they they're really quick and savvy that's good too right yeah yeah their set's good and their interview's not that good it breaks it up but if they're both right sometimes the kid last night was really good and then what do you do for fun i feel like yeah like what's your hobby i fly to austin and do jill rogan and you and kill tony well what do you do like during the day all day what are you doing i get i'm very boring i get up and i water my little courtyard and i water and blow all the leaves and water that get everything all pretty plant stuff i'm a gardener i'm into hydroponic gardening yeah i'm interested in that i just do some too too much and then i'll go to lunch and that's usually when i kind of think of stuff i don't i don't write i never sit down i never bring a writing book ever just kind of your mind just goes yeah and if it's really good i'll night on a napkin or something somewhere but i don't i don't i never i never write uh ever and that is that pretty much daily where you're trying to like i don't force myself to no absolutely not that's why i think it helps to i have friends that always they'll great comics too but they'll say you know we i'm i'm i'm writing all weekend i'm like oh like for a sitcom like no just writing i'm like i don't don't ever sit down and write because i'm forcing myself it's got to just come and most of the time it happens socially you know yeah flying here yesterday um the guy next to me and this is just it turns into a joke but i didn't write it it just happened the guy next to me He said, I don't want to bother you. They always say that. So you're not bothering me. He says, you and I have something in common. And I'm this old guy. I said, oh, what are we? I'm thinking we both have some NASA related something. I said, oh, what do we have in common? He says, both 65. And I said, 65? I said, I'm not 65. He goes, oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm born in. I said, well, born in is different than you're born in 65. He started with that. Oh, that's good. We do have something in common. Dumb fuck. So then I just said, this stupid prick. So I said that. He said, oh, is that going in your show? I said, yeah. Oh, no. I'm not going to say who it is. I said, no, I'm just going to get a picture real quick. This is who the fuck it is. Say who it is. Who the fuck is it? No, here's the guy. I mean, smile. This is the dumb shit. A lot of things happen just, you know, probably you guys too. You don't force to write a joke. Sometimes it's just a behavioral thing happens. So much of it comes from that. On a plane. Like last weekend, I was going to Florida and I went up to the guy. Can we get a picture of the flight attendants? Before we land, I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I get up to go and they're like, oh, wait, wait, let me get ready. And they were like powdering their nose. And I said, no, I'm just going to go. I'm just going to go smoke a cigarette. I'll be right back. And they just lost it. They just thought that was the funniest thing ever. I said, I'm just going to go smoke a cigarette right back. Like, you can't smoke in the bed. You can't? I'm like, no, just fuck them. But that can be a bit just by doing it stupidly. And then they were like, you can't smoke in the bed. I've been on planes where they do that. You're such an entertainer. I really, I respect that so much. Oh, thank you. Yeah, like my hero. I love Phyllis Diller. Oh, my God. Did you ever get to meet her? I did. You know what's strange? I played, I was going to Florida Atlantic University. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah, that's where I went to school. And Boca Raton, right? I mean, you're a broke college kid and they have valet parking at Publix. And they have a bunch of aeronautical stuff there, right? Yeah. I'm at FAU and they had Phyllis Diller came to our school to perform. And I was blown away. It was just crazy good. And someone that she was, they had the old limo. Yeah. And like a big old, old, you know, 70s limo. They were walking her out. And the guy that the union built said, hey, this is our resident comic. And I'm like, what? I had done comedy twice on that. On the. Comedy. I'm not a comic yet. You know, I'm up there doing George Carlin's jokes and I'm not doing jokes of my own. Anyway, she says, oh, and she's got her big wig and her cigarette and it was pouring down rain. She goes, get in. And she, I go in the limo with her and they closed the door. And she's like, well, that she's just, it's just amazingly like, do you, well, tell me your best joke. And I said, oh, fuck. Right. So I'm like, well, I don't really have whatever. I said, I have this one joke where I come out. I had a, I had a, my hair was even bigger out here and I would come out with a red wig on. And it was a carrot top and I'd come out with the wig on and everybody's like, ah, and then I would take it off. And it was the same hair. Yeah. And right when I said that to her, I said, well, I have this joke. Cause I said, I take, I have a wig. I come on just like, you know, and I come out and I pull it off and the same hair is there. She goes, that is so funny. And she, she takes her wig. She goes, you know what? And she takes her wig off. She's like, I'm, I'm, I'm fucking. I'm fucking stealing that from you. Really? Yeah. I said, please do. Right. Please do. And yeah, she just was her long cigarette. She, and it was, I just couldn't believe it. And the, and the limo with, with Phyllis Diller and I was writing her a joke, you know. She, so she gave me notes on my act when I was a new comic and it changed my life and she changed me forever. But what she said to me was, I was really interesting. You say that cause she goes, Christina, your hello is everything. For instance, I go out there and I go. It's shocking, isn't it? And cause she had that big wig, but that's so important. You're hello. And if that's your first joke, a visual gag, she must've died. She must've loved that with you. Well, she said, she's still love it. Yeah. Cause I'm taking that. Brilliant. I said, you can, please do. I'd be, I'd be honored to be thrilled to death. Yeah. She was brilliant. Right. Class class. I mean, so clever. My God. You still watch the clips of her and Instagram. It's timeless. Yeah. I own things of hers. Oh, Joan Rivers was another. She's incredibly funny. My God. Incredibly funny. Um, I want to show you some of our props and see if anything. Oh yeah. Um, while I grab this here, I'll just somebody, another prop guy was sending a video. Hi there. Uh, my name is Pete and today I'm going to be demonstrating a new toy that I got. And the cool thing about it is it incorporates a power drill. Oh God. And a pledge light. And your hard dick. Cool. Right. Are you following so far? Yes. So far, I think I know. Use the cordless. Ugh. I think you can get that at the Home Depot, by the way. Yeah. Wow. What the? Just consider this for your closer. Dude, this would be rad. There's not a lot you could do after this one, though. Yeah, you gotta, you kinda have to close on that one. And I just had a really good time. Ugh. That's Uncle Terry. Yeah. It's fun. He's filled with fucking cum. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, imagine. That's what it should be done. He gets done. He goes, and that's how I start my morning. Dude, imagine closing. Protein. Protein. A protein shake. My own protein shake. So fantastic. Okay. Oh, what do you got here? Oh my goodness. We got some stuff. All right. I'm already, oh shit, we need that guy. Yeah, I know, right? What is it? I don't know. Oh, you don't know what these are? Well, yeah. I mean, that's. That's definitely. This is something you can. A fun mask. Yeah, when you're blowing some guy behind a dumpster on 6th Street. Yeah, seven twinks and put a mask on one of them. Yeah. There you go. This, I guess, is a beer bong, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's a beer bong. Why do we use that one? Or like an anal funnel? I don't remember. I hope not. I'm hoping it's a beer bong. Let's see. It could be some. You could come up with something. Oh, there is another. Oh, this is why you're searching for your. This is one that we had planned for. Oh, Jesus. Is this all your shit or someone gave you this shit? I mean. Is this your five minutes? This is your five minute opening? This is how I open the show. Yes. What is that? These are going in my trunk. Keep it. Anything you want is yours. Little black dicks. Can't have it. Oh, this reminds me of one that I had. A lot of cock. This is one that I just told this story. I was on the Tonight Show and I had a. You kind of go back to how long ago it was. It was. It was when gay marriage was legal in like four states. Right. So I thought, oh, it's a fun way to present it. So I'd have. I had a map of the United States and where every state that was legal marriage. I had a little. It was penises on springs. We go like, you know, he hold it up and I go, here's the four states of people know that gay marriage is legal. So the Tonight Show people like, well, you know, it kills in rehearsal soundcheck. And the lady from standards of practice always hated me. Love me, but hated me. She walked over. She's like, Scott, I want you can't do. I said, they're in spring. They're not real dicks. They're like, they're cute. They're little. They're like little kept in a little cocks and springs. Come on, NBC. Come on. Nobody cares. So they're like, no, you can't do that. So I said, OK, can I come up with another idea? So I went and I got the prop department cut out pictures of Ryan Seacrest's face and I put him on all the four states. And now it made even worse because he's a good friend of mine. I can't do that. I can't make fun of Ryan. It's not gay. I said, no, no one thinks it's a joke. They will. It'll get a laugh. You know, you can't put Elton John. Is that better? Elton John. But then it's not funny. You're picking on someone that's not. Yeah. So what are you doing? I know. I didn't. I'm not doing that. Oh, you didn't do the bra. They wouldn't let me do it. Right. So then I thought it's not funny if I put like Elton because then it doesn't make it. Right. No, it's got to have something else. Yeah. It's going to have this. Wait. So do you recognize literally all these? Like, is this just is this boring for you? Because you've seen all these things a million times. Well, these objects. Yeah. Like you've seen everything at this point. Right. I've never seen that one day. Stop. What about that? That type of dick? Is that like a strap on dick? Why does it have a loop in it? Oh, I've got several of these. But why is there a loop in that? Your balls go in there. Oh. So it's like a cock ring. Oh. But it would make no sense to have that. And because your dick would be a dick and another dick makes no sense. So whoever invented that, I'm not quite sure what that's for. What, the homewrecker? I don't know what that would be for. Yes. Here you go. Finally. Something in my color. Oh, dude. There is a homewrecker. That was going to be great. You know, there's a TikTok that everyone in the world has sent me because it talks about gingers. We were just going to bring that up. I was literally on the tip of my tongue. Oh, did it say that one? Well, no. I wanted to ask. Okay. Tell what you're- No, I just say in the show, I said, you know, people love TikTok. This is the most trending TikTok. Roll it. And they roll it. And you've seen it, which every ginger is black. If you're black, if you're red hair and you have a, you're black. Yeah. And the crowd always laughs. They just kind of look at the crowd like, and I looked down. I said, I, you know, for years I would always ask my mom, why do I have a big black dick? She says, you're blessed. And it becomes a callback throughout the whole show. Oh, that's great. My big black dick and my big, so when you said it, then I got my big black dick. I love that. Okay. This was our question because we have a comic friend who one time, a redhead guy, and he was like, somebody called me a fucking ginger. Yeah. And we were like, okay. He was like, yeah, that's like calling me a fucking homo. And I was like, wait, what? And he was like, yeah, that's super insulting. i was like i thought that's just a i'm i have to be absolutely honest i don't like the word ginger either but tell me i don't know why it's just i would say oh you're redhead or you're this but ginger i don't know no it just says you're ginger i don't know and then they they one of those cartoons did it which was great the gingers or it was south park or one of those forgot that what what the joke but i just don't like the word ginger either you know okay maybe because it's all british and gay sounding i don't know i have no problem with ginger yeah yeah like it's so anything british is actually fine with me or yeah yeah it's a brit thing i don't know if it's just yeah ginger ginger fucking ginger i just never i don't think it was around when i was you know when i grew up no one called me ginger so it kind of evolved your redhead into something they came up with ginger somehow but i'm not a fan of the word ginger i don't get offended by it though right is this it's got something else into this comes off that's so interesting what is that i don't know this one is interesting looking yeah i don't like that at all that is horrifying yeah what the hell this whole table looks horrifying yeah of course people just would walk in like what the fuck have you guys been doing that right there i feel like there's something to do with that well i have something similar with a head hold on okay but it's it's not it's it's more cute if i can find it now this one was well this one killed last night it says the new cowboy's helmets uh but it's good you know it's it's topical for tonight sure in dallas why not fuck with the home team of course but there's one that i did that involves a baby oh these were these were pretty cool these are clever these are boots that i made where the soles are reversed so you can't trace your steps oh brilliant this was an oj joke fuck yeah i made boots for oj was wearing these so they were going the wrong where'd he go he went that way that's great bundy would have had so many more under his belt if he had those true story yeah is that how they got him no but i know those guys think about that this is a horrible dirty baby this is a really poor really old baby i'm sorry time to change you okay so um when people breastfeed right uh-huh in public people get upset when people are breastfeeding in public so i thought you should just have you make this to put over the baby's head so it looks like you're just holding the baby you know they don't know you're breastfeeding right yeah that is what's going on nothing just hanging out yeah my favorite would be if that's your only like if you were just like i have one joke and you did that it would scare so many people yeah they'd be like this guy's totally unstable it is the filthiness of the babies that really scares me yeah that's really gross yeah i didn't realize it till now they wouldn't have as good lighting at the luxo than you this real serial killer yeah you're like no i don't i'm looking for something dude this is his like you're just your home feed this is what you watch every day when you're bored we haven't watched this in years i know i forgot how a lot but he's he's trying damn it what is he doing what if he's not doing anything horrible what if he's like trying to change the you know he's trying to screw something on i don't know trying to put the hose damn it damn it yeah and you know what's interesting now that i didn't think about 10 years ago yeah he could have just made a new tape he could have yeah i mean he didn't have to air this version right he could have waited he could have done it just do it do it see you again going back to you try you just try bro don't be lazy just film another you know what i mean like just regroup that's what i'm saying yeah give yourself some time well i came i gotta post it i gotta post it straight away this is an old one okay okay this is um but clever right it's a let me be the judge of that right it's um when you hang a picture i keep looking all the pictures in here right they're never yours are great you they're all straight but i made a picture frame that was made at a level so it's always straight that's great so the picture goes in here you put on the wall it's always straight dude so that's another one that you gotta fucking copyright this you gotta sell that you know why that that's like everybody's joke who has like a joke you just made me think construction friend you put a picture of elton john on and you said and this one's never right we just wrote it right here baby that's good oh you have this one it's never straight perfect yeah okay so do you want to show him some of your talks yeah speaking of tiktok i mean i curate them but i also i like to showcase the marginalized communities i don't that's a spin i like to give a voice to those that are underrepresented okay so she selected these just so you know this is all blame this on me okay trans people belong here we need trans people We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. I'll tell you what, the message isn't wrong. I do feel like no one's. Then a taxi pulls up. I do think no one's catching on to the song, though. No, I think it was really catchy. You know why? But you had the intuition to add a beat. Right. And had she had a friend who was like. And then if she looked around, she was like, trans people belong here. And then the cymbals come in, the cowbell in the dome, and then it's a hit. I'm going to scroll forward 30 seconds and see what happens. Let's see here. Trans people. Okay, it keeps going. It just keeps going. All right. But there are many people out there. Oh, okay. This feels like it's in your wheelhouse. What is she doing? Oh, my God. Hold on. She just came up with something. Okay, trying these airplane seat dividers so you don't have to. That's the caption for people. I saw these airplane sneeze guards on Amazon, so I have to check them out. What a cunt. There's a two in case you're in the middle. Fuck right off. These two little bags, which are pretty packable. And then. I don't like you. Yeah, what the fuck? Imagine sitting next to that. Dude, would you imagine that? You're like, could you take your fucking plastic. You would lose your. No, would you. What the fuck? What the fuck is happening? No, there would be on the headlines. Yeah. A carrot top kills somebody on a plane. I'm all over the news. But I feel like you could have improved on that. I used to have. I do, too. Yours would have been way better than this. It has to be something that would be not obtrusive to the other people, right? I used to have a. Literally, I had. This is how I remember the goddamn joke. But it was a lot of airplane ones. People would always say, hey, you could be on your phone, right? You could be whatever. On the talk, texting, and people were just, excuse me. And you're like, fuck it. So I would have a headphone that had a hand that would go like this. Fuck off. So right when they started talking, I'd just hit the button. It'd be like, fuck you. Or another one that said something, it would flip down. But that's. Yeah, it's a little stupid. You've got to well think. And the airline wouldn't let you use those. Of course. They'd say, ma'am, you can't. You've got to take that down. Yeah, you fucking bitch. Using your word. Excuse me, can't. You can't. Excuse me, can't. I mean, could you imagine if some fucking bitch did this to you? I do feel like the. Not for sneezing, but to avoid conversations. I just always put earbuds in. Always. Yeah, but they don't. They still go like this. Yeah, they do. I just am always like, huh? But he's got the point that it needs to be the cans so that people see that. Or I used to have one that had a slide, like a shade that went down on my hat. Really? It was built in. It would go. Brilliant. That's great. So just like something like. We'd go. Blinders. Blinders. Like a horse. Like a horse blinders. Exactly what the. Like peachy folders. But it had to have movement. It had movement. So I'd talk and I said, okay. This chicken. Look how long. Imagine setting this up. But that was a new one. That's Travis Kelsey's playbook, right? Uh-huh. And this is their prenup. So it's like. That's funny, dude. Brilliant. It's just. Brilliant. I bet it does look like the fucking phone book. I hope so. Wait, we got one since we were talking about trans people. Oh, shit. Well, she's got way more scratch. This is a coffee cup for lesbians. How are you? Good morning. Barbara, how are you? Good. Good. I looked at the numbers this morning. I love it. I love you. God bless you. You're just. What did I think of you? Very nice. A hero. Okay, well, now I don't have an armrest. Yeah, see, you stupid bitch. Stupid, selfish twat. Oh, see what it has meant to be. Well, dangerous in the skies. After your mouth stops bleeding, you adjust the buckle. I can't even. Can you imagine that, though? It's unbearable. I would just make. I would give her a. Like a. Like, build a. A box for her. Yeah. You just put the whole box over her. That's great, right? Not even holes for her to breathe. Just a box. Plastic. Yeah. No, clear. You could just see her. Let's also point out the fact that, you know, she's like, I don't have my armrest anymore. Yet, neither does the person sitting next to you. Now they don't get to use the armrest. I had an old pro. It was an actual armrest from an airline. I was going through a junkyard, and I said, this is an airplane armrest. Like one of the armrests. And it had the. It had whatever. It had the ashtray on it. That's what it was. Oh, yeah. And I used to do that prop. I'd say, you're on an airplane. You don't get your. You have an armrest? Bring your own armrest. And I used to stick it in like I had it. I said, no, you can have that. I brought my own. And it was just so. Because it was real. And then I put. I remember it would have something. Music that would go to it, too. Like I'm. It was a really clever prop. And it had like a sound thing built into it. Oh, yeah. So I could bring my own music, and it'd go. You can have that one. I got my own. I got my own. That's cool. Oh, I love that. Clever. Yeah, I remember these. Just give me music. So good. I'm watching Netflix. and somebody else said there was a very loud bang on the door. He went out, and then I kind of peeked out the window, saw him talking to a sheriff, and I didn't think anything of it. And then he came back in a few minutes later, kind of smiling a little bit, and I was like, what's going on? And he goes, it's Simon. It's quiet in here because it's busy traffic, so it's quiet. Simon. This might be your best call ever. Simon. It's Simon. Someone's like, there's somebody dying next door. But I like how they edited it. I don't know how to make it be quiet. So he gets everything he needs. It does sound like someone's being murdered. He's just got a lot to say. That's great, dude. Simon. That's just a good sound effect to have anywhere, right? When you go to open your car instead of beep, beep. Yes. God, that would actually stop somebody from doing something. Or about your phone ringer. That would be a great notification. You got a text? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. I got it. Hey, Mom. Yeah. Simon. Simon. Simon. You should date me because I'm so far out of your league. You would be lucky to date me. Oof. Hi, I'm Elizabeth. Call me Beth only. What kind of man am I looking for? I really don't know. Hopefully a good one. I have never been in love with anybody before. I don't even love my parents or any of my siblings. But every guy I've ever dated has been madly in love with me. And you will be in love with me too. Unless you call me. Unless you call me. If you call me Elizabeth, then I'll fucking kill you. You just call me Beth. My dream first date is go to a restaurant, get me drunk. Yeah. You can see if you can keep up. I do smoke cigarettes, yeah. But I don't care if you smoke cigarettes. The key to a good relationship with me is giving me space. That's awesome. I have a lot of pet peeves, but my biggest one is leaving wet towels on the ground. I don't believe in soulmates. I don't really think all people have souls. This video is birth control. This is unbelievable. This makes me not want to ever fuck anyone ever again. Can I tell you something? I'm enraptured. I'd date her. You like her? I think she's fantastic. No, I do like her sense of style. You know, a little arrogant maybe. I like the craziness. Yeah? Is that what you're into? No. You don't like craziness? I don't like crazy, no. No crazy. No crazy. You like normals? No talking. No talking. Yeah. Actually, not even having a mouth would be great. Just this. Just fucking nothing. No expression. No expression. Not even a mouth. Just fucking. That'd be the perfect date. Maybe put women hair on it. Put some girlish in it. Yeah. You sit there at dinner. They don't say a fucking thing. No. Just eat. What kind of ladies are you into? Once in a while, you just fucking shut the fuck up. It's about right. You want to fucking eat your goddamn fucking dessert. There we go. There's the dark side. Amen, brother. That's what we're all looking for. That's fucking exactly right. Yeah, see, this is a purse for women, but they have a restraining order against a guy that can show exactly how far they keep away. Ah! That's fucking great, too. That's perfect. See, that's where, an example of one that, like, I don't know how, I thought of the joke before. You know, someone said a restraining, I didn't have a restraining order on anybody, and how far are you supposed to be away? And then I thought, oh, tape measure, maybe. That's so fun. And then I thought, oh, and a purse. So I found the perfect purse that fits right in there. Goddamn. But that would be one that I don't really know how the brain went. I just thought of the idea first on that one. Not like the toilet paper. That's also totally evergreen. That could, you could do that in 30 years. Oh, right, right. Yeah, timeless is great. I always, that's what I love about a lot of the comics that I admired, like George Carlin, Joan Rivers, but we talk, anybody, you go back and you can watch them, we're talking about Richard Prylis, like, you watch him back 40 years, 50 years ago, a special, it's still fucking relevant. Eddie Murphy's delirium, it's still all original. Did you have a relationship with Carlin? Did you know him? Yeah. How was that? It was unbelievable. I mean, it was nerve-wracking. Because, you know, it's, you never just sit, you're talking to George Carlin, you're like, holy shit, I'm talking to George Carlin. Yeah. And he was wonderful. And he loved my act, which really, really kind of what got me through a lot of the rough patches when people were really rifling at me. Yeah. I would see, you know, my mom would say when I was a kid, I got picked on, you know, because I had a big black dick. Yeah. She would say, she would say like, you know, I got picked on again. She's like, who picked on you? I said, you know what? I said, you know what, Tommy? She's like, consider the source, okay? Yeah. He's, he's an asshole, Tommy. He's an asshole every day to you. So, I would think that with, with comics, when they would give me a hard time, I'd be like, but George Carlin liked me. Yeah. So, you had to find that. Who the fuck are you? You'd fuck right. Yeah. Oh, 100%. So, you'd find that moment where you're like, you know, a guy, a guy on YouTube or some, whatever the fuck, internet back in the day. You know, Carrot Top, hack, piece of shit, whatever. Yeah. I would say George Carlin liked it. He would, he would die. He would, he would, and he would knew, he knew the act, which is weird. Like, he watched me on, on, on the shows. Yeah. Because he, when I, when I met him, I said, I don't want to bother you. He said, you're not, I said, I'm a comic. He goes, yeah, Carrot Top. And I remember thinking, holy shit, he knew me. He says, God, you are great. And I just was, I was in an airport in Philadelphia and I didn't, I just was like, oh my God, that's, thank you. And he said, the cup joke. That's fucking brilliant, right? And I'm like, my cup joke. He says, how'd he come up? And I said, oh, oh. And it was, it was clever. It was a, it was a telephone, you know, the cups and string, cup of the string and the cup, right? Hey, what's going on? You see it. I was watching a cartoon and it had that in the, in the cartoon. It was like, hey, what's going on, Timmy? And he was in a tree talking to a kid on a fort in another tree. And I was watching the cartoon and I thought, there should be an updated version of that cup. And it's a, the new telephone has call waiting. So I had a cup that came out of the other cup for call waiting. So you'd say, you say, hey, what's going on? Oh, I have to, I have to call you back. Hey, what's up? And it's call waiting. And another cup would come out. So it was, then I had three cups came out for conference calling. Oh my God. And then it became a bit, right? Then it became like, and then a clear cup for caller ID. I know it's you pick up. And he was like, how the fuck did you come up with that bit? And I'm like, well, how did you come up with stuff? Yeah. Bit. Yeah. He's like, yeah, our brains think different. But he was like, that's fucking brilliant. He was just, I had a party favor that had for asthma people. It was an asthma. Thing, but had a, so people in asthma could celebrate on New Year's Eve. And he was just like, that's fuck. He just, he was, you know, we would just be like, that's fucking great. How do you fucking have an, he's got a goddamn asthma thing with it. So he was great. That's all. Now, did you pick up on like, and I also, my, I studied him. I mean, of course, you know, the, even the shit I do that in my act all the time. And I always, I always referenced that to the crowd. Cause I do it four or five times in the show. I, it always gets a laugh. It's Carlin. But then later. I say, people, you know, that shit, that's Carlin. I took that from Carlin. Yeah. And he mentioned me in a special and I show it in the clip in the show. It's so great. I said, we were watching, this is true. You're watching an HBO special with George Carlin. And he, he says, it cuts to, I said, watch this. And they cuts to Carlin. He's in a special. He says, I'm at the airport and they asked me who packed your bags. Did you pack your bags yourself? And Carlin goes, no, Cara top pack, my fucking bags. And I, it should, the crowd goes nuts. I go nuts. And I said, I, you know, I'm, I bow down, but I mean, my forehead cell phones. I mean, everyone in the world was like, did you see that special Carlin mentioned you? And that's like one of those things you're like, wow. You know, you just special, special. And so it was great. It worked perfectly because I have all this shit. We packed your bags. When you got beat up a lot, like you were saying, like online or whatever. Did you get, did you have a sense of like, well, this is like, this is unmerited. This is just like, not like. It became like sport. Like anybody can just like have a reference for something. They don't even know what they're saying. Did it feel like that? Like, like people are just. Well, I definitely felt unmerited because I thought what I was doing, again, whether it's silly or not, when I first started doing comedy, the most important thing, at least cherish people with not stealing people's material, especially back, you know, the way now there's thousands and thousands of comics out there. I was so proud of the fact that I had my own stick. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't doing Gallagher. I wasn't doing Rip Taylor. I wasn't doing anything. I was doing inventive prop stuff and stand up. So it was a mixture of. But now the show is way more stand up in it because I think I've just gotten more comfortable doing it. But, yeah, I was felt unmerited because I thought I'm doing my own. But did you also feel like it feels like there's like a like a tide turning of people going like, why are we giving this guy such a hard? Oh, there were definitely a tide turn at one point. Yeah. I think it was just. Yeah. One day I just hear people are like, you know, you get the Shanlings and you get Bill Mars and people that come out of the woodwork and say, you know, they like. That's great. They just had one the other day was somebody who was Dana Carvey and they were just going on and on about how brilliant I am. And I was like, that's nice. Yeah. But it took a long time to get. Took a long time to get there. I would say, you know, I've been doing this so long. It's like, you know, it's almost I get I finally get to go to the barbecue kind of thing, you know. Yeah. It's like, all right. We can buy into the show. That's cool, man. You've been in it so long. That's really what it is. I think I've been. I think they finally said, fuck, he's not going anywhere. I'm glad you're not going anywhere. No, me too. And what you do is so hard. I couldn't come up with a trunk full of visual. Yeah. It's very difficult. No, it's just what I do. It's what you do. Right. I can't write a song. But people can write. You could give me a month and I don't think I would come up with one. I don't think I would come up with one. Yeah. You got to see Carrot Top live. Go to Carrot Top dot com. and six nights a week at the Luxor in Vegas. - Six nights a week, yeah. Unbelievable, dude. This was a blast, dude. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much. Thank you for all this fun. And of course, these are yours to take. Nice. My trunk's already heavy enough. I'll tell you my first prop I ever did. No way. Ever did. It wasn't mine, but it was the first thing I did on stage. I had gone to this club in Orlando, in West Palm Beach when I was at FAU. It was every day on the radio, Comedy Corner. And I thought, I'm going to go down there and audition. So I went down and I auditioned and I did George Carlin and every joke, that weren't mine. And the lady's like, where did you get these jokes? And I'm like, George Carlin. I said, George, she goes, George, well, you can't do that. You have to do your own joke. I said, oh, fuck, well, that sucks. You know, I thought this comedy thing was easy. I can just do jokes. So I thought I did my, I don't know what inspired me. I had this thing on the wall at my house, in my dorm. And so it became my first prop. I said, you know, how good, I said, I would show up, first thing I said, like she said, hello. My first thing out was this, hey, oh, I had my stupid hair. I'd take that off. And then I'd hold this up and I'd say, sorry, sorry, I'm late. I was in the neighborhood and everybody would laugh. And then I'd say, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking sign? And it just would kill. I said, it took me 20 minutes to get this fucking sign. It takes 10 seconds to go through a window. And it was just like, the lady was like, that's great. Do you have any more like this? And I said, well, I can go steal more signs. And that's what I did. I went around town and I found all the signs that made no sense. There were slow children at play and it was a stick figure. And I said, when they're one to the slow, they don't have feet. And I just keep doing, and people, the one was funny because I stole them. And secondly, they were signs that people would question. And then you realize there's something in your head. The visual, yeah, the visual aspect of it. And so I started, but the very, leave you on this, we got to go. The very first prop I did, I was 12, maybe. 12? Yeah. But I didn't do, of course, I wasn't building prompts back then. It makes me laugh. My father was very, very, an engineer and very, very particular about his tools. He had a shed that was, every tool was outlined, numbered, like the hammer went there. And of course, the screwdriver wouldn't fit because it looks like a hammer. But it was like everything, right? I barred his hammer one day. I had a fort in the backyard and my dad came over from work and he says, where's my hammer? I said, I don't know. And he says, well, it's got to be somewhere. It was just here this morning. I said, I don't know, dad. He went into my fort and he found it. And what I found, yeah, he faces, he said, well, here it is. And I said, he said, what is this? Just walking there all by itself? So he went to work and he came home and I made this. I said, my dad came to him. I said, dad, I think it did walk in there all by itself. And my dad's like, what the fuck? Now, what's great about this is this is, this is really the hammer. That's the hammer. My dad was so pissed that I drilled and then he says, what the fuck is this? I said, the hammer walked in there by itself. But I was like 12. That's brilliant. And my dad didn't know I was going to be a prop comic. Brilliant. But I kept it and it's going to be in my prop. But that's so great. I mean, 12, right? That's what I'm already, I'm already thinking, hey, let's put, you know. You did this at 12. Yeah. I found a Barbie doll that I had. That's, that's great. It's amazing. There's two jokes in there. I just found a Barbie doll that I had and then I, I cut it up. It's not a Ken doll. I made a Ken doll. Ken doll. Ken doll. That's right. And the Barbie doll and the Ken doll. That's awesome. That's crazy. It wouldn't be a Ken doll. It'd be a Barbie doll. Makes no sense. You got a Nissan? Okay. Thanks again for coming in. Thank you so much. Thank you guys for watching and listening and we'll see you next week. Thank you. Bye. I'm fucking you. Oh, yeah. Now I'm in your ass, yeah. I'm fucking you. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna sweat. I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna get on your bum. I'm gonna taste you, girl. You better know I'm gonna rock your world. You're such a nasty boy. The Secret Society of Semi-Homemade? Listen up. Sam's Club has pre-made dishes for a Thanksgiving feast that's ready in two hours. All while tasting suspiciously homemade. Come join us. Sam's Club. Individual oven times may vary.