Can We Stop Acting Like Marriage Fixes Everything?

Because I think we live in a culture that tells us you only have purpose in meaning if you have a family, if you have children, if you have a spouse, if you have a house and a white picket fence around the, you know, all the things. - Right. (upbeat music) - Hello there, you're listening to The Girl Talk podcast. My name is Carol. - I'm Kelly. - I'm Trisha. - We're glad you've joined us today. We're gonna be talking about my favorite subject. (laughing) - What's that, Carol? What's your favorite subject? - It's not my favorite subject. - I'm the Token Single Girl on the podcast. - Yeah. - So we're gonna be talking about singleness today. - Okay. - And how, you know, some people have this idea that all their troubles will be over when they get married. And I would just like to ask that question of the two of you did all your troubles end when you got married? - Nope. (laughing) - Oh, no. - Okay, no man. - I think they just doubled our troubles. (laughing) - Yeah, that's what happened. - Oh, maybe you got a flavor. - It's a different flavor. - Yeah, I think it's a different flavor. - Absolutely. - Sure, right, right. - Yeah, it is a blessing that got allows us to journey through life, but some people are meant to be single. - Paul said it's best to be single. - Yeah, he was like, "I like being single." - Good for him. - So I feel like I should not be asking you questions. I feel like you all should be asking me questions. So I'm gonna turn the questions over to you and let you ask me the questions because it's silly for this. - I'll ask you something. - Okay. - All right, what is the hardest part about being single? - There's two things, two hardest parts. The first hardest part I would say about being a single parent is there's nobody to kind of temper those things with your kids when my kids just being a booger, which he's not very often, but she does every day. Or when I'm being a booger, there's nobody to bounce that off of. You just kind of got all that on your plate as a single parent. I will say just being as a single individual, we live in a culture that is built towards families and married people. And so there's just a lot of things that you end up being excluded from when you're single. And so I think those are the two probably biggest challenges that I find as a single person in the world. - How have you navigated them? - You know, God has grown me so much in my singleness. People ask me all the time, they're right here. You think you'll ever get married again? I'm like, I've been single for so long now. I think it would be hard for me to go backwards because if I wanted, you know, just to go to the beach tomorrow, I don't have to ask nobody's questions. So that's part of it. But I think navigating it, what's that? - You can ask your bosses permission. - Well, that's the, but no husband. No husband just got the boss of me outside of work. So, but I think navigating it, I don't think it's unlike, unlike married people. I mean, I still have the same challenges. I just don't have another person living in my house that I have to, you know, but that's also, that can be a blessing workers, you know, it goes both ways. And so I think navigating it is just being, you know, Paul said it in whatever state I find myself there with to be content. I think you have to find contentment in whatever phase of life you're in. And to say, you know, God has me here for a reason. And I'm going to do my best to fulfill the purpose that he asked for me during this season. It may not be this way forever, but it might be. - Do you ever feel incomplete in your singleness? Like there's missing half of you or something? - I will say because I was married and then I went through a divorce in the early years of my divorce, I really felt like, yeah, I felt like you ever, you know, throwing a baseball throw a window and there's like that jagged edge, you know? - Accidentally, of course. - You know, I felt like I was that jagged edge kind of going through life for the first, I'm gonna say two to four years after I went through my divorce, just feeling like part of me was missing. And I think that that's part of why God designed marriage, you know, the two shall become one and that's supposed to be for life. And I still believe that, but when that fracture took place in my life, it did feel a little bit like I was incomplete for a time season. Now, since then, like I say, I can look back now. I see I've been single for 17 years. And what I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it is one that's considered one of the worst things that happened to me has been so good for me. I couldn't say that 17 years ago. I probably couldn't even say that, you know, 15 years, I probably couldn't say it 10 years ago, but God has been so gracious and so kind to walk me through every single step of my journey. And it's, you don't realize that the day after it happens. How did you get to that place? - Misery. (laughing) - Yeah, so here's the thing when I went through my divorce, I went through a time period. And I realized that I was at like a crisis of faith as I think we go through any time, we go through any, you know, big life changes. I think I came to a crisis of faith and it was like, either this, every promise is true or this is the biggest life I've ever fallen for in my life. I've got to decide which of those is true. - You are a crossroads. - I was, it's definitely a crossroads. And so I just took some time and kind of got away from the noise of life and all that was going on and said, okay, God, this is it. Either this is true and I'm going to just throw my life at you or I'm gonna walk away and by God's grace, He gave me faith to believe that everything was true. And then he, it was just a journey, I mean, it's been a journey. It's been a, I don't have all the answers and I'm not by any stretch a relationship expert, but I do feel expertly, that's like the word is it. I don't, I feel, I feel most qualified to pray for married couples because I know the other side of it. So several years back I knew I found that about a marriage retreat that was happening. So I got the names of all the couples and I prayed for them for the weeks leading up to that because I know the other side of it and I know the pain and the heartache that comes from a failed marriage and so I felt like I had what it took to pray for those people in such a way that they would be blessed and have it. - It's really beautiful. - I used to see and ears to hear what God had for them during that weekend retreat. - And what a gift that is to married couples. - You know, what a gift you can be to people when you're in your singleness, time frame of life, whether that's pre-marriage or never marriage or post-marriage that to be able to be a single person can be a gift and in lots of ways to the world. - And I'm a gift to those married couples too. - And alongside that, I will say this, I, I want single people to know that they have a purpose in their singleness because I think we live in a culture that tells us you only have purpose in meaning if you have a family, if you have children, if you have a spouse, if you have a house and a white pick of fence around the, you know, all the things, and I will just say, God has you where you are for a reason. You are single on purpose. And part of, you know, what drove me in those early days is I just was like desperate for God to heal me because there were so many friends. And I made a lot of, I don't think for a minute, don't feel sorry for me because I was just as messed up before I got married. And, and so I was, but I was so desperate to be healed. I just didn't want life to hurt anymore, yeah. And I was embarrassed because I was in ministry and I was going through a divorce and I knew everybody had an opinion about that. And I was so desperate for God to do a healing work in me. And it wasn't overnight. It happened with a great gospel-centered counselor who kind of walked me through those days and helped me process this stuff. But got a best friend who has just been by me every step of the way and she helped me a lot of community that just kind of walked with me. So I've been very blessed in that sense. But I will say, single gal, you need to know that your life has purpose and meaning aside from any other relationship. Married person, your life has purpose and meaning aside from how many kids you have or the size of your dress or the number of marriages you've had or how many degrees you have. - Yeah, right. I think it's important to look at our expectations of marriage. Like what are we expecting from marriage, whether you're single or married, married forever, just newly married, what's the expectation that we've set up for ourselves with marriage? I know for me there was this part of me that thought when I get married, somebody chooses me. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna feel enough. I'm not gonna have insecurities anymore and that's so wrong. So if I have this spouse and I've been chosen in that sense, then, wow, okay, I don't need anything else. I'm finally complete. Somebody has chosen me and it's just not, it's, marriage won't hold up to that, right? That's a thing that only Jesus can give us. Well, and I think you said the key phrase there is that you would be complete, and we think that we're missing our other half. Like we're told as children, we're even, there's, you know, even, all the things. Well, even scripture with Adam and Eve, you know, we're told that we have a, we have another half, you know, that we're not complete until we have that other half. Well, in reality, that's not true. We can find our wholeness and our complete, completeness, and we do find our wholeness and completeness in Christ and Christ alone, that not in another person, our completeness comes from Jesus. Sorry, Jerry McGuire. Right. Yes. You don't complete me. That's right. That's right. Right. So many of those cultural references that says, you know, find your, your other half, find your, your person. Your better half. Your better half. You'll be happy and whole for the rest of your life. That's right. Well, it's just not even true. We need to seek Jesus for our wholeness. And so even when you're single, you've got, you've got another half, that half is Jesus. Right. Yeah. And when you're married, you have another half, and then half is Jesus. That's right. You just have somebody in your bed that's no worse. I mean, sorry. There's all kinds of benefits to marriage also. I said just to see path. Oh, my goodness. But you do have somebody to do life with, and that's nice. Yeah. It is. Yeah. It doesn't make you whole. Right. Do you feel like singleness is some kind of a, a curse in this culture? Is that, is that something that, is that a message you feel that you feel that has been propagated? I don't know if I would go as far as to say curse, but I will say there's a lot of pressure. Like, I don't know if there's as much pressure now because I'm a lot older and there's not as much pressure when you're 55 to get married as there was when you were say 25. But I think there's a lot of cultural pressure for that to be the next step. So you, you go to high school, you go to college, you go to college, you graduate from college. The next thing is you get a job, you get a job, you find spouse. You know, it's part of that rhythm of life that most people, that is, in fact, what happens. But, but just because the cultural pressure is there, I tell you what, it is better to be single than to be miserably married. It is better to be single and be lonely from time to time than to be miserably married. And I just don't settle for what the best that God has for you, just because you are in love with being in love. Because I think a lot of people are in love with being in love and not in love with the person that they marry. And so I think that gets a lot of people in trouble because that's where expectations come in as well. So I don't think it's as much a curse, especially not now. I don't feel any pressure now. But back when I was 25 or so, that was definitely a pressure point of, okay, this is the next thing. You know, just like when you get married. I mean, you can't even open all the wedding gifts for people like, when you'll go have kids. You know, we're not enjoying this moment right now. We're always going to the next thing. Yeah. Well, and I do think research is showing actually that Gen Z is getting married later in later in life. And not, you know, whether that's healthier or not healthy, I don't know. They answer to that question. But it's definitely a trend that's happening. And so I wonder if that's, if there's a lot of people who are going to be single longer and who will have to or get to, get to find their worth in Christ and Christ alone and not in their situation in life, not in their marriage, not in their relationships, but finding that in Christ alone. Yeah, because if people were as diligent about pursuing Jesus, as they are about pursuing a mate, they would be so close to Jesus right now, right? And I had to learn that in the hard way, you know, I don't want anybody to go through divorce. I don't want anybody to be a single parent, but I have learned so much through the years about it. And most of it has been about myself. God's been lovingly teaching me that I have a lot of rough edges that need to be. Yeah. Smooth down. Smooth down. Well, some of them cut off completely. Cut off, but that's a different podcast. That's a different podcast. Yeah. Exactly. Thanks, Kelly. You just gave that turn. But the point is, I think, you know, in all of this, we laugh a lot and I am the token single person. But I would just say, if you're single and you're listening to this podcast, take that to God, allow him to be your, even Isaiah calls him your husband, you know, and I just laugh when I first became a single parent and I say, well, Isaiah said to your husband, it's your turn to get up with the baby. That didn't work out very well, but, but, you know, let Jesus be your companion. And there are so many expectations, so many broken, fractured people in the world, probably you're one of them. And looking back now, I wish I had prepared better. So if God's got you in a season of waiting and the desire of your heart is to be married, ask God to make you the woman that he wants you to be. And that's a prayer. He'll answer every single time, whether you're married or not. Your relationship status does not define you. Your relationship status does not mark you, only Jesus can mark you. And so my prayer for you is that in your singleness, you'll find purpose and meaning and joy. There is joy to be found and being single. And that is our prayer for you. That's what we hope you find today. If you got prayer requests or ways that we can support you, we'd love to hear from you. You can always email us at [email protected]. You can get touch on the Facebook pages. And before you leave today, wherever you listen to this podcast, make sure you like and subscribe so that we can send the next edition of the GirlTalk Podcast right to your phone whenever it's available. And we're going to save you a seat around these microphones next time we gather for the next GirlTalk Podcast.