Can A Relationship Survive Bad Sex?

[MUSIC] Hey everyone, welcome back to Gillian on Love where I get to talk about everything relationships, including the relationship with ourselves. So, today I'm answering some pretty important questions, questions like, what happens when you meet someone who's amazing, but the sex is terrible, questions like, what if there is a huge gap in your finances where you're the woman and you make all the money and he doesn't make any? And then of course, what happens when your partner breaks up with you that feels like out of the blue because you want a family and they don't? So without further ado, here I go. Okay, so I'm 46 years old, divorce four years ago, have been kind of back dating for the past couple years. I feel like I've gotten good at picking better people. I recently went out with a guy who I felt like was exactly what I was looking for, aligned on political and social issues, smart, a reader, feminist, very kind, honest, direct, transparent, has his own therapy going on. We talked for hours. So date three, we had sex and it was terrible. He clearly thought it was fine and good, but I was, I just, it was terrible for me. He couldn't really perform well. His body was a lot different than I was expecting. Anyway, I just lost attraction. I feel bad. I feel like the other things that are about him should trump that, and I don't know. I mean, how important is the physical chemistry? I think for me, it's, it's super important, but in my experience, the people I'm physically attracted to are not the right people emotionally. So anyway, I just wanted to get your take on that, and yeah, see what you have to say. Thanks. Okay, I have a lot to say. First of all, the first thing that I, that I feel that I must say is this, you can have the so-called right person for you, who is emotionally and intellectually on your wavelength and on your level, and still have chemistry. This notion that we have to choose between physical chemistry and emotional sense, emotional safety or compatibility is a myth. You don't have to choose. The point is to have all of it, however, however, there's a caveat, which is, yeah, sometimes the most like the craziest best sexual ever have will be with someone who's not great for you, and the thing is you can have good sex with someone that's not great, but everything else is amazing, and then the two of you can work towards making the sex better. So that's the first thing that I wanted to say. You shouldn't ever settle for one or the other with the understanding that the physical part is going to change. It's going to change as you get to know each other better. It's going to change as you go through life together. And so that's something that you're always going to have to pay attention to and cultivate and feed and nourish, and it's going to ebb and flow, especially if you're planning to marry someone or live with them or build a family with them and going through the inevitable of the institutes of life together. Another thing that I want to say is that sometimes the first time that we sleep with someone is the worst time that it is. People are usually nervous. You don't know your strangers basically, and you don't at all know each other's bodies, and there's often for a lot of people performance anxiety. So that's something that I wanted to say too, that I think that's very, very important. So you ask how important it is. It's very important. I mean, how important is it? It depends on the person. Not everyone values it the same. But I believe that if it's very important to you, that's completely valid, and you don't have to. The story in your head of all the other stuff should trump the fact that I had a terrible experience with them physically, sexually. No, it shouldn't. It's so important. I mean, what's the difference between being friends with someone and being romantic partners with them? It's your physical connection. So it's incredibly important. But I just wonder a few things. I wonder if if you went to bed with him, I'm presuming, but I could be wrong, that the steps leading up to actually being bed together wasn't terrible. Can you really go from a terrible kisser to sleeping with them? I find that very, very difficult. And so I wonder was everything else kind of on point? Was everything else, or maybe not fireworks, but good? Did you feel good kissing him? Because there's a difference between. you know, the kiss was terrible, how they touched me was terrible, like everything about it was terrible. In which case, you know, I would say that this is not the right person for you, to be honest. But if there were things that felt good and it was good leading up to it, but the actual act was terrible, you know, could it be a conversation that you could have with them? It could be. I mean, you think that he thought it was great, but you don't know what's really going on in his mind. I mean, you know, maybe for him, it was kind of terrible too, because he felt totally awkward. Is this a matter of him having no technical skill? Is it a matter of him being just awkward? Like, there's so many variables to this. And yes, the bottom line is, if you're just like, do not have a physical connection with someone, and it's quote-unquote terrible, then, you know, I can't sit here and tell you, pursue a relationship with this person. Absolutely not. Like, that's an important part of the relationship, and you deserve to have it be good. This episode is sponsored by Wayfair. Your space, your home should feel like you. And if it doesn't, it's likely it's not because it's like a taste problem. It can be a budget problem. And Wayfair fixes that. I mean, I found the most perfect pieces for my outdoor space. You have no idea. I have been searching for so long, and I finally found it at Wayfair. And by the way, if putting it together sounds like a headache because I can't deal with that at all, they can handle delivery installation and assembly. You just pick what you want, and they literally deal with the rest. And with over 20 million, yes, 20 million, five star reviews. You're not just like buying blind. You see real customers with real homes and real feedback before anything goes into your cart. And listen, you can get anything, you can get seating, you can get grills, you can get appliances, storage, lighting, rugs, decor. Like, it's literally all in one place, everything you need. You don't have to bounce between stores. It is the best of the best. And you can shop with Wayfair verified, which is like actually the shortcut to the good stuff. So they have their team of product specialists that vet everything by hand using a 10 point inspection, testing things like quality of materials, functionality and features, and even how long it takes to build. Ready to upgrade your home for way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com. Save your heart and save, save yourself for the person with whom you feel a strong emotional and intellectual connection with someone who's compatible with you and someone with whom you have a strong physical connection with even if there are certain things that need to be worked on in the bedroom. Again, that's very different than just like this was terrible, you know? And I don't know, you know? I think it's just a matter of all the things that I kind of mentioned. You know, for a lot of you who are watching this or listening this right now, you know, so much of this is communication. We spend so much time talking about sex and so much time talking about intimacy but so little talking, so little time talking to each other about it. And it's definitely awkward when you barely know the person, but you know, it could be something like, wow, I feel so connected to you. I love your smile. I love your kiss. I love your hands. I love everything. I felt like there was really awkward in the bedroom. Like, what did you, like, did you have that experience too? And this is a, these are very, this is what I would define as very hard conversations to have, because for a lot of us, we grew up with it being taboo. A lot of people, we don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, we don't want it, we don't want to hurt their ego. But it's important. And I think that, you know, if you lost attraction, then, then so be it, you know, then I, you know, he's probably just not right for you. But again, if there was, if all the sort of four play steps that led to the actual intercourse act was good, then I think it's probably worth a conversation. But if the whole thing was terrible, then it's just one of those things that's like very disappointing, you know, it's disappointing and frustrating. But you have to really be disciplined. You have to discipline your mind to not go into the story of, well, then there's no one out there for me. I'm only, I only have physical connections with people. I don't have emotional connections with, you know, maybe you just, you know, is that first of all, is that actually really true in your whole life? You mean you're 46 years old. So you've got some life behind you. You're saying in your whole life, you've never had good chemistry with someone that was emotional, intellectual and physical, or maybe it's just been a long time and you're feeling frustrated by it, which I would understand. Especially when it's early on and we don't know each other's bodies, we have to have a conversation about what it is that we want, what it is that we need. And you know, some people are very willing to be coached in that way. A lot of men are willing to be coached in that way. And yeah, and sometimes it's a matter of just having those conversations and getting more comfortable with each other. And then it's better in the bedroom. Because again, there's just someone who has just very little skill. In which case, you could potentially but not always coach them. There's that, there's a difference between that and also just it just being very awkward and people having a lot of anxiety and performance anxiety and then it's just going all sour. And then there's the third bucket, which is, you know, I just didn't feel like, like the physical chemistry was just, it was just not there. And you can't force it. You can't force that. You have to accept it. So I hope this helps. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Okay, so we talk about mental health much more openly now than we ever have. However, asking for help can still be hard and BetterHelp's latest research confirms it. BetterHelp's 2026 state of stigma report surveyed 2000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise. Yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. So there's a gap between believing in mental health support and actually seeking it out. And that is a gap that we need to close with BetterHelp. You have over 30,000 therapists. It's actually the world's largest online therapy platform having served over six million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 out of five for a live session based on this over 1.7 million client reviews. That's huge and BetterHelp Therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals and you just have to fill out a quick short short questionnaire helps you identify your needs and preferences. So don't let stigma stand in the way of support start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/OnLove. That's BetterHELP.com/OnLove. So I've been in a relationship with a man for five years. He's six years younger than I am. So we met when he was 25 and I was 30. We have, we love each other. We have so much fun and this spring we started to try for a baby. I knew he wasn't really really ready for it but he knew that I was coming to that age where that was the next step for me and he really wanted to spend his life with me at least that was what he said. He, hindsight, I also felt like I have gotten a bit of like not his all of him that I have been trying to or having to ask him like how do you see your future with me or are you seeing a future with me and so on. But either way we decided to try for this baby we did so for three months and all of a sudden I came home from a trip and his smooth has just shifted and he tells me that he would like to have past and just two days before that he had told my friends that he had planned to propose to me and the next step in our relationship was to have a baby together. We were also looking to buy a bigger apartment and so for me this came from out of nowhere. We have now separated. I decided that I didn't want to have a pause. I want to be with someone that is fully committed to me but anyway I kind of still feel like he is my person in so many ways. How can he not be when he checked all my boxes and we have had so much fun together or all the boxes that you can expect to be checked. Yeah I'm just so confused like how can someone turn around that quickly and I guess this is my new reality. I will make the most of it but I just don't understand how someone can be so committed at one point and then just turn around and do the complete opposite to that choosing to live a life completely without me. Have you spoken to him about this? You need to be asking him what is going on in his mind and to make it so that he can tell you the truth. Look first of all I'm just so I'm so sorry. I think to go through something like that where you feel like the rug has been completely pulled out from underneath you is so hard and I just have so much compassion for you and for anyone who has ever experienced this or is experiencing this right now. It's just devastating. Some things that I picked up on was number one so you've been together for a little over four years, five years and but when you started dating he was 25 which you know is very young and in today's day and age is extremely young for marriage and children. I know that there's certain areas of the world and the country in the United States where people get married younger but it's it's it's not as common as it used to be in previous generations and so there's that then the other thing is you know you admitted to saying you admitted by saying that he you could tell that he wasn't really into it or wasn't really ready to have kids but you kind of pressed him anyway so I don't just to be very clear him not communicating telling all your friends that he loved you and all of a sudden wanting to put a pause on the relationship you know what does that pause mean like so to be clear I'm not condoning the way that he ended things with a lack of communication. What I think though I just want to give you some insight is that you're away he has some time to reflect and I think that he has been dealing with some if I were to guess some sort of internal struggle where a large part of him wants to make you happy a large part of him wants the marriage and the family with you but then there's another part of him that's just not ready and hasn't been ready but hasn't but he hasn't had the courage to tell you and I don't know maybe you have had these conversations and maybe there's a part of you that hasn't listened to him and his concerns about it because I know what happens when we as women reached that age where the biological clock is starting to tick and we're with someone for that meant for that long it's like come on like should her get off the pot like we've got to move things forward but so I have nothing but understanding for that but at the same time I am, you knew that he wasn't ready. And he was giving you signs that he wasn't ready. Somewhere along the line, there's just been a major communication breakdown where he's not being honest with you and you're not being honest with yourself about some of the clues that he's giving you that he may not be ready. And sometimes it's just tough, right? Because then you hear him say, yes, yes, yes. But like you said, in hindsight, there was a part of you that knew that something was just not right that he wasn't like fully in it. So when you ask the question, how could someone think you're amazing but not wanna be with you? I don't think this is about him not wanting to be with you. I think this is about him coming to terms of the fact that he can't give you what you want and that he's feeling a lot of pressure and that he doesn't know how to make you happy. Now this is not, don't then turn this and blame yourself. This is about, again, I am not, even though I don't like the way that he broke up with you, I don't like that it was so sudden, I don't like the lack of communication. I'm not looking at this through the lens of villain victim. I think that something was going on most likely. I don't know, I haven't spoken to you but most likely in situations like this, you weren't talking honestly with each other and not really wanting to face the reality. And so my only advice to you is because the two of you are still close and it's only been, you know, this just happened and you feel like he's your person and you love him, have a really honest conversation with him but that's not going to change the fact that you might be saying to yourself and feeling that you are at an age where you want to start a family and so you can't continue to be in a relationship with someone who's unsure about that for, you know, for an indefinite amount of time. He might get there in a year. He might, it might take him five years. He might never get there and you just don't know and so that is a risk, you know, that you would have to take or decide that it's not worth taking. But before you are in a position to make a decision about that, I think what you should do is just have a really honest conversation with him and just say, look, I love you and this is really hard for me. I want to have a conversation where we put all the cards on the table. I want to hear everything. Why did you change your mind? You know, why didn't you talk to me about this? Like, I want to know everything and then you say it. This is what I want to say because there is no path forward for the two of you without naming every elephant in the room and getting all of the truth out and then you, 'cause it's really, I believe ultimately, it's gonna be actually the ball is gonna be in your court. That's just my guess, I could be wrong. But ultimately, you need to be able to look at all the facts and then you are gonna have to make a decision. Can I be with this person knowing that we may not have children for a while or we may never have children? Or am I going to love him from a distance? You know, send him love, wish him well, grieve, be grateful for the time that I had with him, but ultimately move forward because what I really want is a family and I need to, I deserve to give myself the opportunity to meet someone who wants a family too. And so that's what I think about that and I hope it helps. - This episode is sponsored by What Not. I love finding a deal. I learned that from my mom. She would find the most incredible deals. She was amazing at just finding like actually like beautiful, beautiful things for a lot less money or just like even buying things in bulk for the home for a lot less money like she knew how to shop and you know, she was just like the queen of it. Turns out it's my thing too. I found a designer bag on What Not for literally half of what it was going for anywhere else. I got to watch the seller show it up close. I asked questions about the condition and bought it knowing exactly what I was getting. That's the real magic of What Not and why other apps don't compare on What Not. You're connecting with sellers and other shoppers. It's like hanging with a group that actually gets you on your style and so it's a fun way to shop and you almost never pay full price. You can shop name brands across makeup, perfume, clothes, handbags, jewelry, and more all without the retail sticker shock. This is the best place to find the great deals on products you love. So download What Not Today and get $20 off and free shipping on your first purchase. Search What Not, W-H-A-T-N-O-T in the app store. Sign up and start finding the best deals on the products you love with $20 off and free shipping on your first purchase. - Hi, Julian. I have a question for you. How do you feel about relationships when at the age of 60 you meet someone and they are wildly financially different than you are? Meaning the woman has 30 times what the man has at this age. It's wildly off. Should that be a factor when the other person seems to spend all their disposable money and they don't have much and there's no real plan for retirement. Whereas the woman has saved for life and has a lot. How do you feel about financially different net worth at the age of 60? - Well, the first thing that I want to say 'cause this is just the very practical part of me, which is I just want to make sure that he's not with you for your money. If we were to show that, if we were supposed, if we were to just put that aside and just assume that that is not the case, it depends on what else this person brings to the table. Maybe they are not at your level financially, but are they emotionally mature? Are they supportive? What do you get from being in a relationship with this person? Because if you were to say, I feel loved, we have an amazing physical connection. He's so supportive. He makes me laugh. He brings lightness into my life. We have a great time together. He's a wonderful companion. You know, it's, you know, it looks to me like, I mean, sounds to me like if you're financially stable on your own, you don't need someone to come to the table with that kind of financial stability, the way that you have at 60. I mean, really, I see this at any age, but particularly at your age, like your priorities change. Whereas when if you were saying, you know, you were 20 or 30 and you were wanting to build a family and you really need to be with a man who has a lot of financial stability because you don't want to maybe work while you're pregnant. You know, you need that. That's a different story, but you don't need it. So it's all a matter of what else he brings to the table. I mean, he could have, he could, it's not just about money, right? The other things are in many ways more important, you know? And you could, and it's like, okay, so maybe you go on vacations and you're paying for it, but how is he showing up? It's like, it's, isn't it worth it? If like, he just brings to the table so much of what is sort of missing in your life. And so I think it really just depends on that. And that the financial discrepancy between the two of you should not be the deal breaker if all the other things are really worth it and fall into place for you. That's what I have to say about that. Hope it helps. Gillian on Love is a Q-code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe, Music by Will Tendi.