CAMILA MENDES: "Perfectionism Was Ruining My Life"

What's the tattoo? I got it after Riverdale. It's a pearl. Oh. Cause Veronica, my character on Riverdale wore pearls all the time. I got it when we wrapped. Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll come to you soon. It's amazing to finally have you here. I've been watching your interviews for years. Likewise. I've been obsessed over this whole press run that you've just done for Masters of the Universe. It's incredible to just watch you crush it. Like, if I can say that. Thank you. I mean, my team were talking about this. We're like, whenever we see a clip of you doing anything, it's like, so fun, effortless. Oh, wow. It feels like you're having a great time. And it just oozes through the screen. And of course, your fiance is such a sweet man, Rudy, who we were just saying I first started talking to like eight years ago. Which is crazy. Instagram buddies. Instagram buddies. He's so talented and incredible. So thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. I wanted to ask you, so if 31, you have your own production company. You're starring in this huge, huge movie doing all these incredible things. What are you having the most fun with right now? What's most excited about in life right now is like building my home and my future and my family. Like, I just want to like cultivate a sense of groundedness, have my sanctuary. Like, that's what like feels fun to me right now. It's so beautiful being able to do that. Yeah. I'm an interior design geek. Yeah. It gets literally my favorite thing in the world. Yeah. And so I'm obsessed with textures and colors and tones. And I remember just getting so lost in it. And the way I like to design is I like to design rooms like my mind. And so it's like, how do I want to feel in this space? And how does my mind run and feel in this space? How do you think about the different spaces in your home? When I got my first home, like the first home I ever owned, I had like no idea what my home aesthetic would be or anything. And then I sort of like, it was a process of getting to know myself. And I found my own style and taste through that experience. And I was so happy with where it landed. Because I was like, wow, this is me. This is all just a reflection of me and my mind and my creativity. And then I like, right when I finished, not too long after, like I ended up moving out and moving in with Rudy. And then it was a matter of like finding our taste together. And at the time, I had moved into his house. And it was like a weird process of being like, okay, I want to make some changes. But it's also your house. Rudy loves his interior to be like super clean, spotless. Like so zen, but you know, like, you know, I think in a sterile way where it's like, there's like no personality. Like it's like because he's so booming with personality in his mind, it's like he needs his space to be super clean. And I was like, what about color and texture and warmth? And it was like this like interesting combination of personalities trying to find the common ground. And then we recently bought a home. And it's like the perfect amalgamation of our tastes. And now it's like that experience of finding like, what's our aesthetic together? Like, you know, and he's grown. He's now telling me he's like, I don't know, I feel like he needs more color. And I'm like, who are you? You rubbed off on it. I really have. It's been contagious. And when you're juggling all these things, you've got this going on that's exciting. What's most challenging? What do you find different from how you expect at this moment in your life to be? The challenge is balancing it all. And I wish I had that figured out. But you know, especially just coming off this press door. There's really no room to think about anything else. When you're doing a press door, like it is literally just talking about Masters of the Universe every day, all day, for three weeks straight, four weeks straight. For those four weeks, I felt like I was neglecting every other thing in my life. And that, to me, is the biggest challenge. It's finding time to still maintain relationships, friendships, other work projects that require things for me. That has been something that I still struggle with. It's fascinating, right? I feel like we all have these moments in our life where everything's all absorbing and all consuming. And you've still got to realize that you have a life as well as the life that you're living right now. I have a mind where I just love to be focused on one thing. If I could have it that way, I would, to just eat, sleep, and breathe one project at a time. But you just can't do that in this industry. You kind of have to have your hand in many things, especially because it's so fickle. Like, at any moment, a project can fall apart. You could chew the whole movie, and then it just dies. And it doesn't come out. Nothing is certain. So it's like you just always have to have your hand in something and be juggling in million things at once. Knowing that at one point, one of them will take off. But that, I struggle with that, having to divide my attention between a lot of different things. I would love to just do one thing at a time. Yeah. And one thing I do do that does help me is my team's often like, "Oh, what have you got coming up next week? What are you doing in three months' time?" And I'm like, "I live in 24 hour cycles." Yes. "I cannot live outside of what I'm doing in the next 24 hours." I completely agree. Because the next 24 hours, like I'm here with you right now, and so I'm totally present with you. And then I know what I can do for the next 24 hours and I can't know anything beyond that because it will overwhelm me. I think for people like us who do live very busy lives, it's so easy for your schedule to just fill up with so much stuff. Because there's always going to be a certain meeting or a certain thing that people want to put on your schedule on your calendar. I kind of like took a week off last week after having been on the press door. I was like, "I just need a week off to like not have any calls, not have anything. I'm going to go to this wedding in Italy. I just want to like be a person for a week. And we'll get back to everything when I'm back." Even the idea of scheduling a call while I'm on this vacation, I was like, "I don't even want to schedule anything for when I'm back." Like, "Let me get back." And then I will get back into all of this. It's so easy for the following week to just be full of things that I didn't necessarily ask for. And so I'm like, "Let me get back into myself and figure out what do I want to do with my time this week? What do I want to make time for?" And then I'm going to work around that and schedule these meetings and these calls around the things that I want to do for myself. Because if I just say yes to this and yes to that call and that meeting and that Zoom, it's like, before you know it, that's my whole week gone and doing things that are important that are still beneficial for me in terms of work. But they're not necessarily nourishing to my soul or making me feel like a stable, happy human being. So I'm like, "Let me schedule those things and we'll work around that." Because if I don't have those things then I'm screwed. This episode is presented by State Farm. We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves, building better habits, showing up more fully, embracing mindfulness. But sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off. If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you. Go online at statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. How did you make that decision? Because as you said, there's so many things that are temptations. There's so many obligations. There's a fear of. And I'm asking this as much for you as I'm asking for everyone who's listening and watching. We all get to these moments in our careers or in our lives where it feels like you've got momentum, things are moving ahead. You're doing incredible things. How do you then go? No, it's okay to rest. And it's okay to allow myself this week where I deserve this. Because I think so many of us feel we have to earn rest. Yes. But then we keep staying on that treadmill to get there. When I booked Riverdale and I was just working for seven years straight, like that was me on the treadmill. And because we shot for so long in Vancouver, then I'd only have two months in between each season to do other projects. So it was literally, I would never stop. It was nonstop. I was on the hamster wheel of life. And I sort of had to hit a rock bottom in order for me to realize my limit. Because if you have that mentality of like, "I got to feed off the momentum." You might not ever stop. And I think that's a very good problem to have. I've been very lucky to have worked. But for me, longevity is more important. It's like, I'm in it for the long haul. I want to have a long, happy, healthy career. And I don't want to burn myself out too early. I sort of trust in my talent and my abilities. Not just as an actor, but as like a hard worker that like opportunities will be there. I just trust that they'll be there because I trust in myself enough to know that I'll make that happen. Like, I won't let myself down in that way. But having a break and taking the time to be a human is what allows me to do good work. And just be more connected to myself where I make better choices about what projects I'm doing or what I'm dedicating my life. my time too. - There's that famous old story of the woodcutter. He's with his boss and his boss says, go and cut some trees. - Okay. - So the woodcutter goes out and the first week, he cuts 20 trees and his boss is happy. Then the woodcutter, the second week at work, he cuts 10 trees and the boss is like, why are you only cutting 10 trees? And then the third week, the woodcutter cuts zero trees and the woodcutter goes, why what's going on? Like I was doing 20 the first week, I did 10 and I'm doing zero. And his boss says to him, he says, it's because you didn't sharpen your saw. You didn't take time out to sharpen your saw. So your saw just got blunt. - Yes. - And so every time you went out, they're no matter how hard you worked, how hard you pushed, you cut less trees. Because you didn't have the sharp saw, the sharp mind or the sharp energy for it. You mentioned that what did rock bottom look like for you? - It was the inability to say no to anything. I have a lot of perfectionism patterns and my family on both sides. And so I hold myself to a very high standard in every aspect of my life, like not just work, but I wanna be the best at everything all the time. And I would just like say yes to everything and even going to a concert. The way that I would look at it was not as fun, but as like, I need to maximize this experience in some way. It's like I'm gonna go have fun at this concert, but also I need to make sure I know all the lyrics to all the songs so that I can sing along to everything. And I also wanna make sure I wear a cute outfit so I can take cute pics. And so I can post on Instagram 'cause I need to post on my Instagram and increase my social media following and bubble. But like I would just think in those terms all the time, I went to Coachella with all my friends. And it was supposed to be this really fun experience. I remember as soon as I got in the car on my way home, I just started crying. And I was so depressed. And I was like, I don't know why, but nothing about that was fun for me. That was actually like, it felt like work. It felt like I just wanted to make sure everyone is having a good time all the time. I didn't enjoy myself at all. I was just worrying about everyone else. And I got back home, you know, I was with Rudy. And I was crying to him and he was just like, well, what's, why are you feeling this way? And I was just like, I just, I don't know how to have fun. Like I just don't know, I don't know what joy feels like anymore. I'm just like non-stop. And all I can think about is great. I spent the whole weekend at Coachella. And I'm back to work and I have all these things to do this week. And I have all these meetings and all these calls and all these people who need something for me and everyone annoys me. And I just like hate everyone. I realized like that for almost two years of my life at that point, I had always been repeating the phrase, things are just really crazy right now. Life is really hectic right now. And it was just like, it's not right now. It's just like-- - That's just life. - That's just my life. That's just how I've been living my life. And I dreaded waking up in the morning. And I was like, something's got to change. Like I cannot live this way anymore. And he had heard of Hoffman through a friend of his, Hoffman Institute. And he called her and she spoke about her experience. And was like, I really, like it changed my life. I really recommend it. And I was like, but you don't understand. I can't just set a week, a whole week of my life where I have no phone and I can't talk to anyone. And I have all these people that depend on me and all these projects and all these things. And if I step away, everyone's going to freak out. And she was like, I know some pretty big names that have gone to this thing. If those people can take a week out of their life to do this thing, I think you can too. And I was like, all right, word. Yeah, because it's no phone, it's no connection. You're not allowed to read. You're not allowed to listen to music. And obviously, they can't necessarily monitor those things. But the whole point of it is to be completely present to the experience because I don't think you'd be able to get what you need to get out of it if you were distracting yourself. Because even watching movies and reading and listening to music are forms of escape sometimes. Sometimes we rely on those things to take us out of what we're feeling and the whole purpose of Hoffman is to sort of like really be present and feel everything. When was this? Two years ago. And I was like, OK, I'll do it. I think I'll do it. But I sort of put it off. And then like two days later, I got in a huge fight with my mom where I like completely lost it at her. And the way that I was so reactive and so sensitive and so overwhelmed and burnt out that I like, lashed out at her and I hated myself for it. I had a complete breakdown and I was like, I need to go to Hoffman. And I called my assistant and I was like, please get me in as soon as you can. And I was able to get in a few months later. Even the process of choosing to go just like booking it already I started to feel a change. Because it's like an active choice of choosing yourself and your happiness. And like just to be able to say to people, I'm going to be away for a week for these days. And you can't reach me. And that's it. And you watch people like accept it and respond to it and be like, OK, fair. And I'm like, oh, OK, that was easier than I thought. And then to go do that experience and come out of it and be like, oh, wait, nothing crazy happened. Everyone's fine. Life continued. The world didn't stop. And I'm actually better now. And I can like show up in my life in a way that's way more authentic and present. What would you say is the biggest lesson you learned about yourself from Hoffman? There was this one exercise that we did where-- you're not supposed to talk about it too much. So I have to be careful with-- That's something what you learned about yourself. Yeah, yeah. But in order to tell the story, I have to kind of describe what it was. But I think it's fine. It was like some sort of exercise where you're reliving an experience that was triggering. And they asked us to pick something light and easy, just to kind of get a feel for the exercise. And I ended up picking the thing that wasn't light or easy. It was the very fight that brought me to Hoffman, which was this fight with my mom. You're supposed to revisit it and try to imagine a different way of reacting to the situation. And I was so stuck. I was like, I can't imagine being any other way in that moment. Because the fight that we were having was so triggering to me that I just had to yell and stand up for myself and make a point. For some reason, I couldn't get past that reactivity. I'm like, no, that is the only way to react in that situation. And I got really stuck. So my teacher pulled me aside and sort of worked with me and went on one. And I was like, why should I be the bigger person? I don't want to be the bigger person. Why should I have to be? Why do I always have to be the bigger person? And she's like, it's funny. When I hear you talk, I hear this girl woman. Like, you're this little girl in a woman's body screaming, I want my mommy, I want my mommy. And my teacher's like, mommy ain't coming. You're your mommy now. And oh, that like, I just lost it. And it was this weird realization of, by the way, my mom is totally there for me. She's the most there for me person. It was a very specific dynamic that I was trying to work through. But hearing that was more for me to realize, like, I am my own mother now. I'm a 29 year old woman. And I need to take care of myself. Like, at a certain point, you have to take responsibility for yourself and your life. Like, you can't just be mad at your parents for what they didn't give you. You know, like, you just got to grow up and like, take care of yourself. Absolutely. And like, there's something really empowering about that. It doesn't need to be sad. It doesn't need to be like, oh, like, my mommy and daddy didn't do this when I was younger. It's like, no, like, okay, fine. They didn't, but they also did all these other amazing, wonderful things. And they did the best they could with the tools that they had. And now it's time for me to grow up and take care of myself. And like, I think that's beautiful because there is still a little girl inside of me. But now I can be the mother to that little girl. I can take her in my arms. I'm like, it's okay. I'm here. I got you. And that was something that I really needed to learn to like reframe things in my mind, to not sort of like pity myself or like, you know, constantly be in the state of like grieving what I didn't have. Yeah. My mother is the most loving person you could imagine. Like, I had a lot of love as a kid, but there was a period of my life where she moved to Brazil for a while. And I was living with my dad at the time. My parents are divorced. And I remember going through, it was my like first heartbreak. And it was a humiliating heartbreak where like, he was my best friend, turned boyfriend, who ended up cheating on me with one of my closest friends. And I was like 15 years old and I was devastated. And I was like so depressed. And I was living with my dad who like, bless him, but like, you know, how much can a dad do for a teenage daughter in that time? I like me to my mom. and she wasn't there. And I remember feeling very abandoned by her in that time. We've worked through this a lot, and I've talked about it a lot. But no matter how much you talk about something, that doesn't mean that you've healed it. It's like I needed to release the fury of this little girl inside of me. And only then could I really forgive and make space for real forgiveness. And I feel like I've reached that now. I don't want this to frame my mom as somebody who wasn't, 'cause my mom is the most loving, the most supportive person I know. But no one's perfect. And that was something I think I needed to experience is this feeling of empowerment to take care of myself. - I think what I'm hearing from you is, it's okay to hold both of those things at the same time. - Oh my God. You adore your mom, she loved you. - Yeah. - She was there for you. You had a loving childhood, that's true. And at the same time, there's this one specific experience that has left this mark on you that you had to address when you were doing the self work. And I think when we can hold both truths at the same time, you actually give yourself space to explore both of them and validate both of them. Whereas when we say, oh, it's either all, that's where I think we go wrong. Like my parents either were amazing and loved me. - Yes. - And therefore none of my feelings are valid or important. Or my feelings are the only thing that's valid and important, they didn't get anything right. And that's just not true. And I think maturity is actually the ability to live in the gray. - I feel that now more than ever is this idea of like living in the gray. And like two things can be true at once because I struggle with not having absolute truths. Like I always want to be like, what was, what is the narrative? What is the thing that's actually true? And it's like sometimes there is no truth. It's just kind of, it's just a gray area. And like, and you're right, two things can be true at once. - You also had the experience of growing up between two cultures. So I wonder whether that was part of it too. - When I was growing up, Brazilian culture was such a part of my life because both of my parents are Brazilians. So they, and they were speaking Portuguese with each other and raising us in very Brazilian ways. So like I know that that was part of my identity, but I think I had a resistance toward it when I was in high school. And I grew up in Miami, which is a very Latin place. Like everyone there is Latino. Everyone at my school was Latino. But like for me, I denied it more out of fear of like, I wanted to be an actor. And I was afraid of that getting in the way of my success because there weren't a lot of models of success for people that looked like me or had my background. Like I wasn't this white girl next door with blonde hair and blue eyes. You know, I wanted to make myself as like, ambiguous as possible and as palatable as possible, I guess. I felt like I was sort of resisting that part of myself. And there was a switch at one point in my career where I realized, oh, actually, like this is my superpower. This is what makes me unique. And then I started leaning into that and embracing it and felt more myself than I ever have. And now that's why meeting Rudy was such a beautiful experience because he's also Brazilian American. He's Brazilian Italian American. But his Brazilian side is I think way stronger 'cause his mom's Brazilian and he grew up in a neighborhood that was very Brazilian. And so we both shared that sort of Brazilian American thing and it's so rare. It's especially in Hollywood. Like I never meet other Brazilian Americans. And so that was something we really connected and bonded about was having this like shared culture. This shared third culture, you know? - It goes back to what we were talking about a second ago that it almost feels like you had to learn to accept all the different parts of yourself. - Yeah. - And like see all of them. - Yeah. - And so it's like, I am a bit of this and I am a bit of this. And this is also why I am. And now I can see the full picture rather than what I'm having to choose. I'm only this or I'm only that. - But it feels like when the older you get, you kind of like go back to your roots more and more. I don't know if you've found this in life, but like I feel like sometimes we kind of go full circle. I've seen it happen with my friends too. Like people who grew up really religious and then they completely reject God and reject religion and rebel against it. And then they like go through some things and they kind of come back to it later in life and then they're like religious again, but in a different way. I've seen that happen a lot with people. And for me, I feel like it's kind of been that way with my culture where it's like I grew up very Brazilian. And then I sort of, no, I wouldn't say I ever rejected it, but I just didn't, I didn't lead with that. And then I sort of found it again in a way that made me feel more myself than ever. And then the values that I think that I carry that were more American values, like more about individualism, those started to fade away and then my like more communal, familial, cultural side started to take over. And now I think those values are stronger in me than they were before. - Yeah, I think there is that cyclical nature to life. - Yeah. - And that's why what we learn in our childhood is so important because you find your way back to it often. - You do. And you like redefine it in a way, but-- - Yeah, redefines a good word. - For me also, I didn't grow up with any religion in my house. My dad's side of the family is super atheist. My grandpa was like a radical atheist in the 60s in Brazil, you know? So like that whole side of the family, they're just very, you know, all about logical thinking. They're very science-based and just like religion just wasn't a thing. And then my mom's side of the family is like very Catholic. And now they're, they practice a religion called spiritism. I think that's the translation. Speedy cheese moments, how you say in Portuguese, which has a lot to do with like reincarnation. And it's just like a completely different, two different sides of the religious scale. You know, even though my mom's side of the family was somewhat religious, that wasn't a part of my upbringing. Like I didn't go to church. My mom didn't really practice at home. She believed in God, but like I think my dad's presence definitely was more dominant. And it allowed for a lot of great conversations at the dinner table. Like there was a lot of thought behind it. It's not like he was indoctrinating us to like not believe in God, but I feel like I, you know, when I was a teenager, I was an atheist and I like was very proud to be an atheist and I didn't believe in any God. And I was like reading Richard Dawkins and like I was just very much an atheist and I was well into my 20s. And it wasn't until I sort of hit that rock bottom, you know, and I went to Hoffman that things started to change for me. And it was so funny because I rejected spirituality for so long. And then, you know, I've done years of therapy. I've been in therapy for almost a decade. And I kind of hit a plateau where I was like, I've talked about my problems and I've rationalized them. And I can talk and talk and talk. But like I don't feel like I'm healing. I feel like I'm stuck in the cycle of like being very aware of what my problems are, but not really being able to implement any change around them or like changing how I feel. Like all those like feelings are still there. I feel like I need something more. I need like a larger purpose. I need like I'm craving something more meaningful. And I didn't even know that it was spirituality at the time, by the way. I just like knew that I needed something more. And yeah, I hit this plateau in therapy and I went to Hoffman and I found for the first time a sense of spirituality that I never had in my life. And it was really hard. Hoffman is not about that necessarily. It's more about finding an inner sense of spirituality, like being connected to your higher self. And that was like the form of spirituality I could get behind. 'Cause everything else felt so hard to get into this latent life. Like it just felt so inaccessible and like too grand, you know? But like believing in my spiritual self, like that's something I can get behind. That's easy to me. I can see that. I can visualize that. Like who is my highest self? And like that is like my version of God in a way is like my best self. And that's the person I should turn to for guidance. And that gave me a sense of spirituality that I never had in my life. And then it opened up the door to believing in something. I wouldn't, I'm definitely not an atheist anymore. But I don't necessarily know what it is I believe in. But I'm like so open to the possibilities. I don't really care if it's real or true. It's like I just wanna believe it and I'm okay with that. Like I'm okay with not knowing. I just wanna like believe in something. People often think they have this misconception that atheists don't believe in anything or don't have any like moral high ground, I guess, or moral compass. And that's so not true. Like I think there's a way to, in the book The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, it opens with this quote that's like, isn't it possible to believe that the garden is beautiful without believing in something. that there are fairies at the bottom of it too. And I really resonated with that, because I'm like, the world is beautiful. There are so many beautiful things about life and things that we can find purpose in without having to believe in a higher power. I always had somewhat of a spirituality to me, but I rebelled against this idea of religion, and then I sort of found my way back to it. And I wouldn't say it's religion, but it's spirituality, and it's just redefined now. And much to my dad's family's chagrin, I'm like, now a spiritual person, and I love it. Sometimes it's almost good to rebel. Like it's almost healthy. Yes. That you go to the other end, because now you have the experience of what that means and what it feels like to study it, to learn it, so that when you come back to wherever you are now, you can actually come back with more conviction and more clarity. I think what a lot of us do with any value, whether it's spirituality, whether it's religion, whether it's science, whatever it may be, any belief or value, the more you argue it against others and the more you try and prove it to others, is usually a sign of your immaturity and your understanding of the thing. Whereas when you kind of inflow with it, you are totally open to everyone having their own beliefs and values and insights, because you recognize that, yeah, I get a bit of what they're saying, and I get a bit of what I'm saying, and neither's right or wrong or good or bad or the truth. Yeah, it's healthy to challenge those beliefs. I think challenging your beliefs is such a scary idea for us, because we already feel like the world is moving so fast around us, that to kind of take a look underneath and see if the fairies are there or not, is kind of scary. It's kind of like, wow, I believe them, what if they're not there and if I don't believe them and I look, what if they're there? And so either way, there's a shock. There's just no certainty. Everything's got something. Anything possible at this point, anything is possible. And everything has some faith in it, I feel. Yeah. Like, do you have some faith in anything? And everything requires a level of faith. Absolutely. But people reject that word sometimes. How is this affected by the fact that when you were growing up, you moved like 16 times? Yeah. Did that have any impact or effect on what you're saying now? I moved around so much and it was very destabilizing. I struggled with it a lot, but at the same time, it made me a very adaptable person and it made me like good at social relationships and being able to assimilate into new environments. So it's given me like a skill set that I'm very grateful for. But like, at the same time, I'm so adamant about not raising my kids that way. Like I envy people that grew up with marks on the walls of their heights throughout the years. Like I think that is so beautiful, like to live in a home that that's Rudy's home. Like Rudy lived like the house his parents live in today is the house he grew up in since birth. And it's like and you feel it when you walk in like a house so much history and I love that feeling. And I don't know if I'm going to be able to give my kids that life because the nature of what I do, but I'm going to do my damn best. Like I want to provide as much stability as possible because I think it is so important in raising kids. But I feel like I've gone through some things recently that have basically shown me that like you just can't predict anything. Like you just don't know what's going to happen in life. And like as much as you can like say to yourself, like I'm going to do this with my kids and I'm going to, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do things differently. Like life will throw it at you and then you're going to have to deal with it and it might force you to make choices that you never thought you would make. And like for example, my parents got divorced. And I've for so long been obsessed with this idea of like that never happening to me. Like I'm like I'm going to make sure I do everything right and I'm the best partner and I choose the best partner so that will never happen. And that's not a healthy way of approaching relationships. I think like you need to sort of accept this and surrender to the possibility that anything can happen. Like you really don't know. And in a way that's sort of like liberated me. Yeah. Where I like trust myself enough to say, you know what? That could happen. I could get divorced one day. And I'll be okay. I will be okay because my mom was okay and my dad was okay. And my kids will be fine because I'm fine. I'm okay. I turned out okay. And like you know I think I was so afraid of this idea that I might one day destabilize my family home or my family unit in a way that my parents did. And that caused a lot of pain in the family of course. But like that was just our pain. That's our story and other families have different pain. And like we all came out of that stronger in some way, learning something in some way. And the traumas that I have from that experience have shaped who I am. And have given me certain skill sets that other people don't have. And that's like you can kind of reframe everything as like a superpower if you want to. It's fascinating right? You'll meet people who their parents got divorced and they wish they said together. Yeah. And then there's other people whose parents stayed together but they wish they got divorced. Exactly. And then there's people whose parents gave them all the love in the world and made life really easy and the person goes you've ruined my life because I didn't have any hardship. Right. And so I never got tough. And then you have the parents who only give their kids tough love. And the kid goes oh I built really good skills. And so you've just got all these versions and you can't you don't know what the psychology of your child is going to be. And what their temperament is going to be. No. And how you love them is going to create a reaction. You could love them and they could still turn around in 10 years and be like you didn't show me the hard way or you didn't love me enough. That's what Hoffman showed me because you're there with 40 other people or 39 other people. And everyone's there from all walks of life, all ages, different life experiences. Some people are like I was loved too much. Like my parents loved me so much that like I don't know how to be independent. I don't know how to do anything for myself. Like I was so smothered, I was so spoiled, I don't know how to do anything for myself. And then other people are like my parents like you know my dad was in the picture and my mom didn't show me love and no matter what your childhood experience was like you're gonna you're gonna be tough in some way. And like it's just the way it goes. Like there is no way of doing it completely right or completely perfect. And you know in the theme of like perfectionism that I was talking about earlier like I've started to let go that perfectionism of like needing everything to be perfect in my relationship or in my family life. Like I can surrender to this idea that like no I'm just gonna do my best at every moment. And um whatever happens happens. How did that perfectionism show up on the set of Riverdale? I like developed panic attacks through my experience on Riverdale because you had another before. No I didn't have panic attacks before and I don't have them anymore really. And not because of anything other than just the nature of being on a show for that long and not having time to do anything outside of work. It's like when you shoot a movie it's like two months and you go off and you're there shooting the movie and then you're like okay that was that and I'm done and I can go back to my life for a little bit. But when you're shooting a TV show for seven years and one that's like old-fashioned network television where you shoot 10 months out of the year. Like it's not a job it's like a lifestyle and then the hours are super long and it was a very ambitious show. It required a lot out of us. Like you know the schedule is really tight and you have to like shoot a lot of scenes in a day like there's no time for anything. It's like you wake up you get to work and you're like all right let's go boom boom boom boom you're just like running around like a madman. There's no time for human error sometimes and that would drive me crazy because let's say you know I'm dealing with a stressful situation that has nothing to do with work like a personal situation and then I have someone knocking on my door and I'm like they're ready for you on set and I'm like crying because of the situation that I'm dealing with and now my makeup's ruined and that's another 30 minutes in the makeup chair for them to fix me and now everyone on sets waiting and now and now I feel the pressure that I'm the reason why we're behind oh my god it was like a pressure cooker environment constantly because there is no time to deal with any of those things. So I had to get prescribed lorazapam so that I could like literally numb myself and be able to show up and work because otherwise if I let myself get into this panic and I start crying and hyperventilating I don't know I don't remember exactly how much it would cost a day to shoot Riverdale but like we're talking like thousands and thousands of dollars that it required if you had to reshoot a day or something if you if you missed a day if you call and sick like you're costing production a lot of money. So there is this pressure that comes with that and I just like couldn't handle it at a certain point it was a lot so my perfectionism came up a lot with that where I like I just felt like I needed to be on all the time and at my best and looking my best. And you know, I had an aining disorder when I was on Riverdale. I had it since high school, but that's when I really started to like come face to face with it. I felt a lack of control because you know, I'm wearing a costume for a character that dresses differently than I would want to dress in my daily life. And she's wearing tight dresses and mini skirts and heels and and you know, showing my stomach, my little mid-drip or whatever. And if I felt bloated or if I didn't feel good about myself that day, like I had to wear something that made me feel worse and made me feel super insecure. And that perfectionism pattern showed up a lot through my relationship with my body. And I would just you know, sometimes have panic attacks about that feeling. So disgusting and needing to be on camera and just not being able to accept the way that I looked. I can imagine how heavy that is because like you said, you can't just call it in, you can't say I'm not coming in today, you can't push it off, can't fix it quickly. There's no solution apart from having to go through with it, even when you're in a state where you don't want to. I only have the panic attack if I feel for whatever reason that I'm not allowed to feel the emotion that I'm feeling freely. So like if I'm feeling like I want to cry and I know that I can't, that will cause my panic attack. Because you don't have the space to actually experience and feel it. Exactly. But like if I did have the space, if I was told you have an hour, I'd be like, great, I'm going to cry for a bit, let it out, I'll be good to go in an hour. But you don't have that. And that's really healthy by the way. Yeah. And that's how I like to deal with things in my day to day. I have no issue just like crying it out for a bit, like blending it out because sometimes that's all it is, like you just need to release the energy. And I just didn't have the space to do that. So it's like, creates this like pressure cooker in your body. And then like I had to take something in order to get through the day. Yeah. But I don't like, I don't like to lean on that unless I absolutely have to because I would rather just feel it. I'm okay with feeling it. Yeah, you don't want to numb it out. I don't want to numb it out now. But it became like what I had to do to get through. How did you get to the other side of that? The show ended. Right. Literally. Wow. But like not every day was like that. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. That was a specific kind of situation. Of course. But like I did love my experience on the show. Don't get me wrong. I look back on that time very fondly. It was just like being young and not having control over your schedule in your life. That was really hard. As I'm listening to you, I'm thinking, you know, you've been the face of like body positivity as well. And then you're dealing with this. And on top of that, I feel like we're living at a time where the scrutiny on women's bodies just continues online to be terrible. Yeah. It almost doesn't get better. And it's almost like you got to hold all these things at the same time, which is like, I want to be confident in my body. At the same time, I have to be at work even when I don't feel confident in my body. And on top of that, there's constant commentary on women's bodies in general. I never actually experienced criticism about my body from anybody but myself. Like I didn't see anything online that was like triggering to me. Yeah. It was always just my own internal standards for myself. Right. And also, my body was changing. Like I look at pictures of myself then and I do look different. My body was different. This happens a lot as a woman in your early 20s. Like your body changes. And I was like, I didn't know how to deal with it. It was very overwhelming. That's what led me to therapy in the first place was I started seeing a therapist specialize in eating disorders. And she paired me with a nutritionist. And they worked sort of as a team. I would see them separately, but they worked together and helped me sort of reestablish a healthy relationship to food by reintroducing certain things that I would avoid. Like carbs. I was like really afraid of eating bread. And my nutritionist like slowly reintroduced bread in my life. And I was like, okay, we're going to have you have like a piece of toast in the morning. And I was like, oh my god, that's going to make me gain weight. You know, like I was so afraid of a piece of toast. And those two working together, one with the psychological aspect and the other with the nutritional aspect was incredible. And I literally was cured in like a year. The nutritional aspect was so important because the reason I was binging and then purging is because I would avoid carbs so much that there'd be certain part in the day where I'd walk by a crafty and I'd just stuff my face with so many carbs. And then I'd feel disgusting and then I'd purge. And the only reason I was doing that is because I was depriving myself. So she was like, if you give yourself that permission to eat the things that you want, you'll find that you don't want them that badly. And I started doing it and it like she was completely right. If I wanted something, I would just let myself eat it and trust that I'm not going to go overboard. Like I just trusted myself that I wouldn't go overboard and I could trust myself. Yeah. Then it wasn't as tempting because it wasn't this forbidden thing. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget and endless options. I'm always looking for ways to improve the harmony of space at home. But it isn't easy. I want pieces that can ground me and still hold up to the test of time. I went on Wayfair and found a stunning, solid wood nightstand and credenza I love. 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Whereas what you're saying, which is this more balanced approach going back to what we've been talking about since the beginning, is like that ability to say, "Well, I can have a little bit, and that's okay, and that's not going to change my life. But if I avoid it, then that's what I'm like with. I have a massive suite too." And so I have the worst suite too of all time. And I can get through the whole day, like, from morning till evening, I'm fine. And then at midnight. Oh no, that's when it hits. Like it will hit if I'm up and I'm traveling or whatever. And I can order like 1,200 calories, 1,500 calories of just like sugar. I can't have. I just develop. Dinner without, like I need to finish dinner with a suite treat always. And even if the picture really sent me was you eating to set. Yeah, the pistachio ice cream. It's so good. I have to. I have to. Like even when I was training for Masters of the Universe, I was like, when we were in the cutting phase, I was like, please just don't take my dark chocolate. Like, cut my rice in half. Don't take my dark chocolate at the end of the night. I need that. I need my little, my little treat. But it shows you can do it that way. Yeah. Like that's the point. It works for me. Yeah, I know there works for everyone. You know, I think maybe some people are have more addictive personalities and need to be a little bit more, like, strict with things. I don't know. Like I've never had an addictive personality, to be honest, with anything. So I've always been good at like, you know, being able to draw the line when it comes to things. I'm thinking about all the young women who probably look up to you, listen to you, want to be like you in some way. What would you say to them if they're currently struggling with any disorder they're struggling with body image? See therapy for it. I know that's a very straightforward answer. But like that's that's personally how I was able to get through is. I couldn't do it alone. I needed help. I need to professional help because sometimes the people around you sort of send you right back into that loop. People will say things. People who don't know any better will say things to you that will actually encourage those negative ways of thinking. They'll comment on your body or say, you know, when you do look thin, God, like I remember when I was my most depressed, I lost a lot of weight because I wasn't eating. I wasn't eating because I was like trying to lose weight. I was just not eating because I had no appetite. Like I genuinely had no appetite. And the amount of people that were like, you look incredible. You look amazing. What are you doing, Pilates? And I'm like, no, I'm like miserable. I'm not working out. I'm not eating well. I'm not eating at all. I'm not taking care of myself. And that was when I would get the most compliments. Those are like the kinds of comments that send you back into a negative way of thinking where you think, okay, this is when I look my best. So what did I look like before? What did you think of me before? Was I? And then when people stop saying that to you, you're like, oh, I'm fat. I think it's important to get professional help because they actually know how to talk to you in a way that gets through because sometimes people around you are just encouraging the same patterns of thinking. Gosh, and that is like a vicious cycle that just keeps going. running around around because yeah, you feel good, but you're doing something bad to yourself. Yes. And then you feel bad when whatever it may be. Yeah. And it just keeps going around around around. I wondered, you're so close with all your Riverdale classmates now, I believe as well. Did you have space to have these conversations when you're on set or not really? Definitely. Oh, you did? Oh, wow. I think especially with Lily because she was dealing with a similar thing and she's been very open about that too. She's been on the show too. Yeah, oh yeah, that's right. But I think she really started to experience her issues at a time where I had just kind of gotten out of it. We had different issues. I think hers was more, if I'm correct, body dysmorphia and maybe like a weird relationship to food or something, but mine was more bulimia. So it was just like, we had different issues, but yeah, we talked about it a lot and with Madeline too. They've always been people that I can lean on for those things. That's amazing. It's pretty rare. Yeah. I feel like they actually have a crew that everyone, not that people are on friends, but that you can actually be open about what's actually going on behind the scenes. But I've also found that like, I'm just really careful to talk about those things with other people because sometimes you don't want to open up the door for commentary that will trigger you and send you into that headspace. You know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. I'm so fortunate to say that I've healed from it so much so that it's such a distant memory to me now. I love hearing that. I believe that. Like, at the time I never thought that it would ever go away, that the insecurity would ever go away, that the bulimia would ever go away. I genuinely didn't think that was possible. That a therapist could heal that for me. And it took a year. I don't know that that's the case for everybody, but that's what it took for me. And then now I'm like so, so removed from it. And I have such a healthy relationship to food. And like, yeah, sometimes I get insecure about my body, but it's not this like all encompassing feeling. Okay, like, all right, I got to like not eat so much chocolate, but you know, it's like such a, it's so relaxed. You know, it's such a, I have such a healthier relationship to it where I just trust myself. Like, I liked my body a week ago more than I like it now, but it's fine. Yeah. I'll get there. Yeah, it's like a life edit rather than life. Yeah, exactly. Break down yourself. Yeah. It's like, I need to edit that and add a bit of that minus a bit of that. It's like, okay, I miss my abs. We'll get them. We'll get them back. Yeah, we don't need to, we don't need to internalize all of this and make it about our self-worth and self-esteem. It does not define you. The way you're talking about it, it sounds like it did have an impact on self-worth, self-esteem. Oh, no, I couldn't, I couldn't function. I remember my therapist during that time was like, what if I told you, because she wanted to see if it was at a fear of gaining weight or was it of insecurity with how I look currently? And she's like, what if I told you that this is what you're going to look like for the rest of your life? And I just started crying. Go. I just started crying. I was like, no. It was like, oh, okay, that helped me realize I cannot accept the way that I look right now. I'm so deeply unhappy with what I look like right now. I was afraid of looking the way I currently looked for the rest of my life. How did this coincide with me and Rudy? I met Rudy in 2022. His team reached out to me. I had an offer for the project he was directing. It was his directorial debut called Mooseca. It was a rom-com that a lot to do with Brazilian American culture. I'm one of the only people in this industry that could play that part. I was like, I don't know. This guy from Vine is directing a rom-com. We'll see. I met with him. I was like, oh, wow. He's brilliant. I have to do it. It was a complete 180. I was pretty sure I was going to pass. I took the meeting anyway because I was like, he's Brazilian. I needed to meet another Brazilian in the industry. Then I was within 10 minutes, so in awe of just his whole personality and vibe. I could tell he was a brilliant mind. Then we had a love story over Zoom. We got to know each other over Zoom because I came on as an AP and I was helping rewrite a lot of the script and especially my scenes. We were taking inspiration out of my personal life and his entirely out of his personal life because it's autobiographical. We were just creating these characters together and writing these scenes together and sharing intimate stories about our lives in order to service these characters. Through that experience, I was falling in love with him and now I know that he was too. I was like, oh my God, I don't even know him yet. I haven't even met him in person. I feel this chemistry over Zoom and I was kicking my feet underneath the table and getting all giddy when I was talking to my friends about him. But I was like, I have no idea if this chemistry is just like. Once I did. If it's just over Zoom or what's it going to feel like when I see him in person, what if he smells different? I don't know. He's not making a liege. Exactly. The moment we met, it's so beautiful. We have this two minute long footage of the moment we met because we shook hands at the screen test and then went right over in front of the camera and they just started recording and he and I just started chatting. We have this two minute long footage of us basically talking in person for the first time. There's no audio. You can't hear it, but you can just see us. Cute and giddy and this sort of. You could just feel this energy between us and this chemistry and I'm so happy we have that because it's like this such a defining moment of us meeting. And then it escalated really quickly, I think within a week of filming, he and I were already seeing each other. I felt like I had known him my whole life. And I don't know if some of that was because of the shared culture thing. He felt so familiar to me. It felt like past life stuff and I didn't even believe in that at the time. It was just like, I just feel so at home with you. That's the word I would. It felt like home. It felt right and easy. It felt really easy. How did you love before you met Rudy and then after? I like. It hesitant to say this, but I really feel like I'm my best self when I'm in love and when I have a partner. I have no shame in saying that. I think humans need each other and finding a life partner has always been so important to me. Someone who's like, buy your side through thick and thin and I mean like partner, you know? Like more so than anything else. Like, who is my best friend in this life? And that was really what I was looking for and I feel like I was always so ahead of my time in that way, not actually ahead of my time, but just like, I was looking for that from a very young age, like a life partner. I feel like I really didn't find that until Rudy. Like someone who I could really envision a whole life with. Because like more than anything, he's my best friend. He's literally my best friend and like I just want to spend time with him always. Like I just enjoy being around him and we've been through dark times. Like we've been through a lot of and like it never changes and never waver. Like I never hesitate to be with him. Like I want to be with this person. I choose this person until life gives me a reason not to. I'm going to continue to choose this person and I feel that he has the same view on love where it's like we're in it for the long haul and you're my life partner and like life's going to get crazy, but I want to experience it with you. I was in a relationship before that was so we were just so incompatible and I felt like I was trying so hard for it to be right like way too hard and it was this talk I had with my dad where he was just like, I know you have this thing because me and your mom got divorced. You need to get right what we got wrong and he's like and you're like fighting so hard to like make a relationship work because relationships are hard and like I'm not going to give up like my parents did and he's like, yeah, relationships are hard, but they're not that hard. Like it shouldn't be that hard. It should feel somewhat easy like like being with them should feel sort of effortless and easy and this relationship didn't feel easy. It felt like constant work where you're just like, oh, you're just incompatible. You're just two people that shouldn't be together and I feel the way about my mom and dad. I don't think they're compatible and I don't think they should have stayed together. But for some reason at the time I was like, I should really, I'm not going to give up. I have to work really hard to make the relationship work. And yeah, I think meeting Rudy it just felt so effortless and easy and right. It just felt like home. What part of yourself you think you had to heal to let that kind of love in? That was a hard experience. Healing from my last relationship. The hard thing about our industry is like when your ex moves on you have to like see it in your face all the time. And to be honest, I don't even think that's that's that unique to our industry. I think because of social media it's like, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, media. It's like like everyone has to sort of deal with that, but it's just magnified 'cause like the whole world is seeing it happen too. And I had to see a lot of photos and content of my acts with another woman. And it was like, there's something about it that feels like humiliating. Like you're just like embarrassed a little bit. And I don't know why, because there's nothing embarrassing about it. It's like, yeah, this is just what happens. But it's just so hard to metabolize that. And that part of it, I feel like I needed to heal. I had things I needed to heal from myself and flaws in my behavior that I needed to look at. But I do believe that part of the healing process is meeting someone new. I don't think we fully heal. Like for real heal until you start falling in love again. - Yeah, loving differently. - Yes. - Yeah, experiencing love in a different container. - In a new way. And it brings up patterns. I think like when you start loving again, it shows you what the wounds are from before that can only be healed by loving again. You know? Because then you're like, okay, now I'm having trust issues and now I'm having, it's like all those things come up and they wouldn't have if you were just on your own single. It's when you start loving again that you have to confront those wounds. And so part of the healing process from your last relationship is welcoming in a new person and learning how to trust again. - Most people kind of try and package everything nicely where it's like you gotta break up, get over it. - Yes. - And then once you're over it, then you can, and it's like, well, you can't, there's gonna be parts of that journey that are going to overlap a little bit. - Overlap a little bit. - Yeah. - And not because you're trying to move on because of a new person. - Yeah, it's not like you're trying to fill a void. - What I'm hearing you say is that there are certain things that you can only learn in connection. - Yeah. - Because they don't come out when you're sitting by yourself. There are certain things you can only learn in connection. - Yes. - And you've gotta do them in the right place in the right rooms. - Because relationships teach us so much about ourselves. - For sure. - Like they hold up a mirror to you and you're like, oh, I have some issues I need to work on. - I love the point you're making that. - That is exactly what relationships are for sure. - Yeah. - Gives you an opportunity to see yourself much more deeply, intimately. But then know that that person's gonna hold your hand through that. - I feel like we both seen the ugly sides of each other. And I still love them. I think that's real love. And I think every time you're challenged in your relationship, it just forces you because you have a choice. Like it's like when you reach certain obstacles in the relationship, you can end it or you can work through it. And the choice to work through it has always been the better choice. And I feel like it's only made us stronger and stronger and build more and more intimacy where I'm like, I like know you now. I know you and you know me. And I'll continue to get to know you. And like that process never ends. But like those experiences I think are what make a couple really strong. You say you've been married for 13 years. I'm sure there have been bumps in the road along in those 13 years, you know? And I feel like I love meeting couples who are so transparent and real about what it takes to like be in a long lasting relationship. It's like an art form. It requires work and maintenance. And it's never done. The work is never done. 'Cause you continue to grow as people and you always have to continue to like nurture the relationship and like redirect or you know like find new ways of communicating because life changes and we go through different things. And I feel like my favorite couples are the ones that you know they've been married for decades and they're like, oh we've been through it all. And like, you know, we almost broke up at one point and then we did the, and it's like, they're so open and transparent about how imperfect it can be. All of our friends joke how annoying we are 'cause we're very publicly affectionate. Like, he and I are always like any other's faces and kissing each other and to the point where I think it like pisses other people. (laughing) Especially like people that aren't like that. Like someone's a girlfriend will be like, why aren't you hugging me like that all the time? 'Cause that was my parents' love language. My parents are very affectionate. His mom is very, like they're just, we're very publicly affectionate people and that's not something that Brazilians really shy away from. Yeah. And also culturally I think it's more common in Brazilian culture to like flot your relationship. Like it's not this thing that you're like, we're gonna be very private and concealed about everything. Like it's like, this is my man, I love him. You know, like that's the attitude towards love and relationships and he and I are very much like that. And that's a challenge in this industry because that is who I am as a person naturally. But I have to fight it a little bit because I can't just like pour everything out and share. I don't wanna completely open up to the world and welcome them into this relationship. But at the same time, I'm like such a transparent person and I wanna be able to share everything 'cause I think that that's how we connect as people and like I wanna share my experiences but at the same time you wanna like protect the relationship. And yeah, I feel like we were constantly trying to find that balance of like, you know, I wanna shout that I love you from the rooftops but also don't wanna give off this idea that we're like a perfect couple, you know? Just because all you're seeing is the highlights. Like there are gonna be challenges in relationships no matter who you're with. They're just different challenges and it's a matter of like deciding what challenges you're comfortable taking on. - Mm-hmm. - I've been able to look at Rudy and be like, I can handle the challenge of this relationship. I'm okay with this. I'd prefer this over that challenge. - Your public life should be good but your private life should be better. - Yes. - And I always say to people, I feel like my public life looks great but I always want my private life to be better and that's something you get to keep and so you don't have to dim your public life. You just have to make your private life better and that gives it a great balance because if you're trying to dim your public life or dim your outer life, that starts to feel uncomfortable as you are seeing with your Brazilian attitude. - It doesn't feel natural. - It doesn't feel natural and organic. If you're sacrificing your private life for your public life, that doesn't feel great either. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in relationships is don't let it be one sided for too long where one person's doing everything. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - For too long. If you're in a long-term relationship and one person's doing too much for too long, that's hard. - Yeah. - And so the ones that get through the tough times and the hard times are where it's too sided where both people are turning up, showing up, making the effort. - I felt that way at one point. To be honest, that kind of circles back to the Hoffman thing of it all, where I kind of hit my rock bottom. I went to Hoffman. I came back with a newly-son life, a lot of clarity, new sense of purpose and a lot of my habits changed. My outlook on the world changed. I wasn't wanting to go out as much or drink as much. I just had a different priorities, different boundaries. It just sort of highlighted this difference at that point 'cause Rudy hadn't done any therapy at that point. And I had done almost a decade of therapy. And I just in Hoffman, and then it was like, "Okay, I've done all this work around my issues and it still feels like you're not quite ready to dive into yours." And it wasn't until he started doing therapy after I was recommending it for a long time, he finally started so many of our problems started to get resolved through that because it was like, "You're finally meeting me halfway." And we had done couples therapy and stuff, but I feel like you kind of need to do individual therapy as well to really confront your own issues that have nothing to do with the relationship but have to do with your past. So when he started doing that, I noticed such a difference in our dynamics. And then when he was finally ready, he then went into Hoffman very recently actually. He just got back not that long ago. And now it's like amazing because we speak the same language. You never know, not everyone's gonna come out of that experience having the same experience. And I know if it was gonna have the same effect on him that it did on me, but it did. And now it's like the way he's showing up is the way that I've always wanted. And it's just the presence and communication and authenticity. And now we were that lame couple that like meditates together and shares their, it's like we're able to speak this language that has now become our language. It's like our shared language. And we already have that with Portuguese which kind of feels like our own little intimate thing. And then now we have this other like spiritual language that we share that really brings us together in a beautiful way. And like I've been told that it's important for couples to have like something that you share is a couple that's yours that you do together. And I'm like, oh, this is that thing for us now. Like we have that now. I'm like so happy, like so so happy that he had the experience that he did because it just, it's just made us closer. And like he was somebody who didn't believe in therapy two years ago, you know? And now he's like obsessed with his therapist and wants to meditate. And now he's like, let's go do the couples thing at Hoffman. And like now we're gonna go do that. And now the maintenance and nurturing of this relationship is like something we both participate in. And yeah, I think that's really important. It's beautiful to hear. Congratulations. Thank you. Honestly, genuinely, I'm so, I love seeing people in love. And I'm so happy for you guys. And it was so awesome because I remember the night you guys got engaged. You guys came to Glenn's party afterwards. And so I was on the way out. And I saw you guys coming in. And I remember-- Oh my god. It was just like this. Awesome. I took my glen power for it. It was awesome to do a friend. Basically, he disguised it as my best friend's birthday dinner. Genius. So they were working together. They were in Cajuts. Her birthday was a Saturday. And she was playing a dinner Friday night. So, naturally, I was like, yeah, that makes sense. Her birthday Saturday. And she's going to go do something with her boyfriend on Saturday and Fridays for the friends. She's like, come get ready at my house. And like all the girls were getting ready at her house. And like getting ready for this night out that we thought was at her birthday dinner. And she told me that it was like a super secret, like, speakeasy that hasn't been open to the public yet. She didn't want me looking up anything. She's like, we're going to go to this dinner. And then afterwards, let's all go to Glenn Powell's birthday party and kind of make that part of my celebration. And I was like, great. And the theme for his birthday party was "Tracksuits and tequila" or something. I was like, great. I'll wear my tracksuit to dinner. And she's like, um. She's like, maybe don't wear a tracksuit to dinner. And I was like, oh no, it's fine. Mine's like really chic and cute. Like, it's not really a tracksuit. And she's like, no, but I want the theme to be like, sex in the city, like, girls, like women in their 30s, like, hot, but mature. And I was like, okay. So I took the sex in the city theme really seriously. And I was like, I brought all these options to her house. And I put on this tight corset that was pushing my boobs up. And I was like, looking a little like, and she was like, um. Do you want to wear a different top, maybe? I was like, what the fuck? Why are you being so controlling for your birthday? Little birthday zillow over here. And then-- Treating it like a wedding or something. Yeah. And then I was like, well, what if I put this jacket over it? And she's like, great. Yeah. Like, she's like, it's just like a member's only club, like, really chic. Like, just so you walk in. And then when you sit down, you can take it off. I was like, okay, great. So then I put this jacket and thank God, because I would not have wanted all my engagement photos to be with the outfit I was wearing underneath. I got there. And it's like the super secret like knock, knock, knock on the door. And I'm like, oh my god, like, this is like a proper speakeasy. But it was just to let everyone know that I had arrived. I walk in and I just see this like long aisle of white. And he's standing at the very end. But he was coming to the birthday dinner. He was going to meet us there. So it wasn't shocking to see him there. And I just thought this is what the restaurant looked like. I didn't know. I was like, oh my god, it's beautiful in here. And there's like white flowers everywhere and candles. Oh my god, this restaurant is so gorgeous. And I see him standing there. And it took me a second, but I kept walking. And then I realized my friends weren't walking with me. Like they stayed behind. I look back at them and they're like giggling. I look back at Rudy and he's standing there smiling. And then I hear the song playing. And it's the engagement party song from La La Land. And I just, I was like, oh my god. Oh my god, it's happening. And then-- Yeah, because we love La La Land and we bonded about that. We love that movie. And then we had this beautiful little private moment. He proposed, did the whole thing. And then I didn't even have a time to process. And then all of a sudden, he was like, I want to show you something. And he takes me through a curtain. And then it was a huge surprise party. And my mom was there and all my closest friends. And it was just this beautiful moment. And then we got to go right into a big celebration. That went for hours. And then from there, we went to Glenpey. And I changed into my tracksuit. Yes. And then as soon as we walked out of the car, Rudy and I hadn't even discussed it was all happening so fast. But he was like on cloud nine. And as soon as we walked out of the car, there's like paparazzi because there's paparazzi outside this house. And Rudy just goes, we got engaged. And he like announces it to the whole world. And I was like, oh god. I'm like, you shouldn't have done that, but I love you. And that's good. It's fine. And then it ended up being great. It was just like a such a fun night. And we got to run into so many people. And we were like, where are you going? It was just like the high of that. I remember him showing that actually. Yes. Because I was just about leaving that. Rudy's like so not like the being famous thing. He doesn't think about those. That he's just like authentically himself. He like doesn't even. But I'm always the like cautious one. If like, wait, we shouldn't do that. We shouldn't go. It's a good balance. Yeah. How is all of this learning, love, growth in your life? How did you bring it to Masters of the Universe? Like, did it? Was it in parallel? Some of it? Was it having gone to Hoffman and like having this spiritual journey? When I came back from it, very shortly after I got the audition. And then got the role. And I don't know. I just feel like when you kind of align with yourself, like opportunities, come your way. This felt like a blessing in that way. And it's a superhero movie. You know, like it's all about good, verse evil and light, verse dark in the most tangible way. And I've always struggled to connect with superhero films in the past. Because it's almost like too big. It's too grand of an idea. Good, verse evil is so binary to me. And I've always struggled to connect with that. But then after coming out of Hoffman, and then I booked this role where it really is about like lightness, verse darkness, an empowerment and self identity. And I was like, oh, I really, I think I get it now. Like I do understand this theme. That's why these stories are told. That's why these stories, like say what you want about superhero films. But I think there's like thematically, there are themes in there that are very important. And for me, it was like finding the light. I had to fight my dark side and fight just the darkness in general. And that's what this movie is all about in a way. And so, yeah, I feel like it came at the perfect time of my life where I sort of was already feeling like this. Like more heroic version of myself. How did your spirituality help you shop on set differently? I was like doing my meditations in my trailer every day. Oh, that's cool. And like grounding myself in a way that felt right. And you know, I've come such a long way since Riverdale. And I know what things I need to do to take care of myself now. Like, because being on set is so overwhelming and stressful. And there's always a lot of pressure and everything's moving so quickly. But like, I just feel like I have the tools now to take care of myself. Like, I just know what I need to do to feel good. And I was constantly in search of what those tools were. And I found them. Like, I like have real tangible tools. Like, if Havman taught me anything, they gave me real tools that I can use. It's so effective. It's so practical. It's very easy. And now I feel like I just, I have that at my fingertips. And I can do it in my trailer. And it takes two minutes. And I'll feel like I'm set for the day. And I have like, I know what I need to do throughout the day to look out for myself. Your energy is infectious. And just, you know, I can tell you just how much work you've done, what you've looked at. Like, you've visited all the corners. And of course, there'll be more. But you've visited all the corners of your psyche up until this point. By the way, though, I don't want to frame this. Like, I'm, you know, some perfect human being who's like so involved and so spiritually connected. Like, in the last few months, I feel like I've completely disconnected. And I have to find my way back again. You know, like, I also have my ups and downs in that spiritual journey where I like will stop doing everything. And then I'm like, oh, I gotta go back to that. Oh, tell me about it. You know, and then, and then I find my way back to it. But I just, they even say this at Havman. It's like a pendulum. It keeps you swing one way. And with time, it'll just start settling a little bit more. Like, you won't swing so far in the other direction. Maybe you'll lose your cool a little bit, but not as much. And then it just keeps going and going. And so sometimes I do sort of like lose connection to it. But I trust that I'll find my way back. And the pendulum will swing. That's a beautiful way of putting it out of that. Camilla, we end every episode of on purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum. And so, Camilla Mendez, these are your final five. Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever had to receive? I feel like this is a silly piece of advice to share. But it's helped me a lot in relationships. You know, Marc Consuelo's plays my dad on Riverdale. And him and Kelly have been together forever. And they're like, couple goals to me. And I was like, what's your secret? Like what's like, it was like a piece of advice you have for me. And he was like, whenever I like go to say something, I ask myself three questions. Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? Do I need to be the one to say it? Good questions. That like thought. pattern is very helpful for me. - Second question, what is the worst advice you've ever had or received? - I hate when people tell me not to tell the truth about something, or when they're like, you don't need to say that, don't share that. Don't tell that person that thing. I'm such an honest person, like I need to lead with honesty. That's like my number one thing. I always feel like telling the truth is the better option. And sometimes when I've made mistakes in life, I've had people tell me, like, don't tell anybody that. And I'm so grateful that I didn't listen to that advice. - Question number three, I want you to repeat after me and complete the sentence. This is about overthinking. I think too much about. - I think I think too much about what people think of me, if people will like me very recently. I feel like I've started to surrender to it. Specifically around this press door for Masters of the Universe, I think. 'Cause it's like maybe the biggest stage I've ever been on. It's a whole new audience that I haven't had a relationship with yet. You know, like, I've had a relationship with like the young adult audience, but this is a whole other demographic. And I sort of have had to kind of accept, like I can't be palatable for everyone. Like it's just not possible. Not everyone is gonna like me. And that's okay. Because if I'm being myself, then there's nothing really I can do about that. Like I can't really change how someone feels about me. But if I'm being myself, that's really all I can do. And it's like take it or leave it. Because I think I've tried a lot in my life to like be liked by everyone. And I think it only makes me a less interesting person because you're not really revealing yourself to anybody. You know, you're just like such a neutral person that like there's like, it's like who are you? I'd rather just be known than like. One of my favorite quotes is, confidence doesn't mean everyone would like me. It means I'll be okay even if they don't. Exactly. And that feels much safer than trying to get everyone to like you. I struggle sometimes to share things about my life because I'm like, how's the person gonna feel about me saying that? Like what conclusions are they gonna make about me as a person? But then I'm like, everything I've said has been honest. Like that's all I can do. Yeah. I can't do anything about my truth. Like that's just the life that I've lived and what I've learned. And like, I can't do anything about that. Question four, how's wedding planning going? It's like very slow, very, very slow. The house was taken over. Honestly, because we weren't expecting like the house thing just kind of came up and we were like, we jumped on it. And then that's been a very time consuming thing. There's still a lot of empty space that we need to fill. So that's sort of been the priority right now. But it's going. We have a location. Great. Yeah. Fifth and final question, Camilla. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? The honest. I would make lying illegal. I feel like that'd be really dangerous. I feel like society wouldn't function in full truth. But I don't know. I want to see what would happen. That's what Camilla's world looks like. Yes. I love that. Honestly. Camilla Mendes congrats on your professional life, your personal life. Thank you for being so open. I feel like I learned so much about you today. I know. I could honestly talk to you for about the two hours. But honestly, there's been such a joy and a gift. This is the cell up. Thank you for being so vulnerable and so kind and generous. Thank you. Thank you for trusting me. I appreciate you. You made it really easy. Yeah. Well, I hope you'll come back. Oh, my God. Please. Yeah. Come back regularly. Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you.