Caller: “Will My Affair Cost Me My Marriage?”

I had an affair it was a two-week purely physical thing. What did the affair mean to you? I felt alive. It felt like something that was all mine. To have this little thing that was just about me. It didn't have to be about the kids, it didn't have to be about my husband. It was all about me. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad you're here. There's a trillion podcasts and you picked this one. There's a hundred trillion YouTube clips and you picked this one. I'm so glad you're with us talking to real people about real problems going on in their lives. Man, I'm just so grateful that everyone is here. Thank you so much for joining us. If you want to be on this show, we're talking about your marriages, your mental and emotional health, the affair, life after kids, life with kids, your mental and emotional, all of it. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will go to Kelly and she'll get you on the show. Let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Emily. Hey Emily, what's up? Hi John, how are you? I'm doing all right, how are you? I'm fine, thank you. What's up? I am calling today because I want to know how to respect my husband's wishes after my affair. Tell me more. I had an affair back in June and since then my husband has been on and off whether we should stay together or he wants to divorce me. Okay, so June, that's, I mean, we're taking this call the beginning of August and so that's, it's pretty, pretty fresh, right? Yeah. Tell me about the affair. So it was a two-week, purely physical thing and it was some guy that I knew from back when I was a kid. My husband had just switched to being an over-the-road truck driver instead of an at-home truck driver. We've been distant for years, which of course is no excuse, but he gave me attention and I wanted that. Yeah. How long have y'all been married? We just passed five years. Okay. The beginning of July. What did the, this is going to sound like a strange question, what did the affair mean to you? You know, I've actually thought a lot about that and the answer that I can come up with is, like, I felt alive. Like, it was, it sounds dumb. No, it's not. But I really felt alive. That's the most common answer I get, by the way. I'm glad to hear that. It just, it felt like something that was all mine and it was, I got to have this little thing that was just about me. It didn't have to be about the kids. It didn't have to be about my husband. It didn't have to be about that I'm a responsible adult. It was just, it was all about me. Hmm. And now there's a chance that your life may, truly be just all about you, right? Yeah. So, how did your husband find out? Tell me, tell me about the aftermath because, again, it's pretty recent. So, he's known the whole time. Like, I thought I was really good at hiding it, but apparently not. Okay. And he called me while he was on his way back from one of the states that he was in. It was just like, Hey, I need you. Oh, you, you, you, you, you just cut out on me. He said, he called you from another state and what'd he say? Yeah, he was on his way back. Cause he's an over the road truck driver. He was on his way back and he was just like, I need you to tell me what's going on. Something's going on and I know there's something going on and I was just, I start crying and I'm like, you're right. Like I've, I've been having an affair with this guy and he was just like, what does that mean? I was just like, well, he's, we've been intimate. He was just like, I can't talk about this right now. After I get off work, we'll talk about it. So he got home and I'd already put the kids to bed by the time he got home and he was trying to figure out what exactly that meant, when and how and kind of details. And then he was just like, I need to go somewhere for a couple of days. So he left, came back and he was just like, I, I don't want a divorce. Like our boys deserve better. And then he was like, I need to go somewhere for a couple of days. My kids deserve better. He's got two kids from his previous wife. And then we have two boys together. And I was like, okay, I like, I don't know how to make this better, but I do know that like this was on me. This was not anything you did that led me to this. And he was just like, no, I ha I know I haven't met a good husband. And I was just like, even still, it doesn't deserve this kind of betrayal. And he was like, I get that. So then we were able to talk and then it turned the next day. Where he's screaming at me, yelling at me, telling me he wants a divorce, calling me all sorts of names. We have this punching bag that he brought into the living room. And anytime he was talking to me, he's hitting the punching bag and very aggressive, like in my face. And then the next day it was back to, I love you. I'm sorry. I know I messed up. Like we can work on this. I don't trust you, but I know I need to figure out how. So then I told him what you said. Okay. And I said, here's how we rebuild trust. And it's a week by week kind of we're checking in. How can I love you today? Here's what I need from you. And then through the actions consistently over time, learn how to rebuild trust. He didn't like that very much. He wanted it a right away thing. Okay. Then after, I don't know, a month maybe of going back and forth. This is the end of July. He, he said he just needed some actual space away from me and not just a couple of days. So I took our boys to stay with my parents in a different state. And he called me a couple of days into that trip and he was like, I'm done. Like I'm filing paperwork. I can't do this with you. Okay. So is, is, has he filed? He has not. He has not. Okay. It is now I've been back home for just over a week and it's pretty consistently. He's saying, I still want a divorce, but then he'll come back a couple hours later. I want to work this out and I want to want to work this out. I just don't know how to get past her. Okay. What happened in his first marriage? Um, they got married right out of high school, like high school graduation. They ran away together and eloped and then they had a kid right away. And then another one couple of years after that and she had been having multiple affairs. Okay. That's what I was. Their entire relationship. That's what I was like. And his mom had had multiple affairs throughout him growing up. Yeah. So like. This cuts deep for him. Yeah. The. So let me, let me say this. Okay. Let me say this above and beyond everything. Okay. I've heard you take ownership. I've heard you like, regardless of your marriage, wasn't great. He was on the road trying to provide for his family. Yeah. You you're taking full ownership. I went and slept with somebody else. Like I hear you owning that and that's good. The, the big picture though is nobody in any circumstance needs to not feel safe in their own house. own house okay so if he's making violent threats if he's screaming if he's punching things while he's yelling like i'm leaving i'm getting the kids i'm leaving okay now we i want to just put a put a like a nail in that coffin safety's first okay so i'm assuming i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that like you've heard me say something like you've listened to the show before like you blew the world up and so there's some volatility there meaning one day it's going to feel good next day it's like this is insane the next day it's going to feel good then at night all he's going to do is just keep having like lightning bolts of images of you having sex with somebody else and it's going to be layered like you said on top of his first wife cheating on him all the time his mom blowing up his childhood home and so yeah you're right there's a ton here okay and probably underneath all of that is he's swore to himself especially after his first wife i will never put up with this again yeah he said that and then it happened again right and so he is at war with himself are you a guy that you can trust that's what he's that's what his body's asking itself and if you don't keep your promises to yourself you get i'm saying so that war that volatility you're feeling is originating inside his chest you okay okay and you're there in the room and you're the recipient of that up and down but that war is inside of him and so the first he's got to do is go sit with somebody and unpack it i think space was wise i'm glad he had the courage to say that and i'm glad you had a place to go with the boys for several weeks space was good but if he just used that space as a time to hit the punching bag and to replay his imagination of you and this guy having sex over and over again that wasn't productive time in fact it was entrenched it was entrenchment time okay it was entrenchment time it actually reinforced the fantasies the stories he's got just not the stories the movies he's got playing inside his head so when you told him what i say you left out a key part and you're all you're all good there i love that i love the sound of kids um you left out a key part and the key part is he gets to give you a path to re-establish trust and you get to decide whether you as a grown woman are going to walk it or not and so it's not just a matter of how can i love you today and it is i'm gone five days a week and so here's what i'm going to ask of you you still there yeah i'm here okay okay so if he won't do that or can't do that then nothing else works because he's going to be chasing a feeling i'll trust her when i don't have these images popping in my mind i'll trust her when and he's gone five days a week over the road so he's going to be chasing a feeling of trust instead of the actions of trust okay and i have to i have to be super honest with you i understand i and tell me if i'm out to lunch i'm not going to be able to do that i'm not going to be able to do that i'm not going to lunch here you know what you did violated your core sense of value and you know what you did hurt your husband but i'm not hearing that you regret that it happened i definitely regret it if you could go back every single day if i could go back and change it i know exactly the moment where i was like you know what it's okay like i am so done like it's i very aware of what i did and i would change it in an absolute heartbeat okay this was not worth those two weeks okay this wasn't even worth once okay so the question before you and your marriage is a will he give you and the week by week is here's what i want this week i want to see your phone i want to i want to look at all of your messages i want us to share a single checking account so i know where all the money is coming and going i want you to check in with me every i'm making up stuff now right i'm being ridiculous but i want you to check in with me every hour i'm on the road i want to geolocate your phone so i know where you are so i can look whenever i have a panic attack i'm driving where's my wife where's my wife i can just pull it up and look he he's gonna give you that map and then you get to decide whether i'm gonna do those things and then at the end of that week when he feels like i don't feel like i trust her yet a that's right but he's gonna have a path he's gonna see she walked this path right and so we're going to begin to teach our body that the feelings we have because his feelings are going to do one thing try to keep him safe and you aren't safe because you're just another in a long line of women who he trusted who hurt him and so like we're gonna have to he's gonna have to see action steps and begin to recalibrate his feelings and that's hard it just takes time but if he's gonna throw around divorce throw around filing then y'all need to have that conversation so i'm already doing all of those things like we didn't have a shared checking account i stay at home with the kids he would send me money or give me his card when i need to go get something well that's that's a stupid way to do a life together no i mean tell me about it i've tried to talk to about it he doesn't care well and so re-establishing trust is he can't sit on the side of the river and watch you row he has to get both feet back in that boat too and that means he's got to have to risk getting hurt again and that's going to be a scary proposition for a season but that means i i have to risk man she did this too i've got to risk we got to go all in this thing together because part of that aliveness that's going to be the lesson i mean that's going to be the thing you'll have to work on down the road which is how do we create aliveness inside of our own marriage we have two little kids you're gone a lot we have to be extra intentional about creating life inside of our of our own marriage inside of our own home it can't just be that you sit at home like as a basically a single mom with two kids you're not and you're trapped inside your own home and you're not allowed to leave and you have to go beg daddy for money like that that's not a that's not a marriage he's your dad and you're the babysitter you get what i'm saying yeah i think the time if you just want to be done then you're gonna have to own this is the consequence of what i did and then you're gonna have to work on being the best co-parents possible i mean what's the other alternative yeah if he files on you files on you but i think you're not asking that question and y'all kind of dancing around it because he made a pretty pretty grandiose uh proclamation and you're right to not just sit there and take it but to sit down and say okay a month ago you said you're filing for divorce i'm in limbo here i've told you i want to rebuild this thing i'm asking you for a weekly path it's going to take time there's not a light switch that you're going to be able to flip and i understand that i you know in your first wife your mom i i did it too but i'm 100 percent recommitted to building this thing back up from the floor up and tell them i'm not if this is the truth i'm not going to file on you i never will or if you want me to go do it because you don't have the courage to do it i will but you can't just sit there in limbo the kids can't be in limbo he can't just sit there in limbo okay but man that this isn't going to be fixed in 30 days it's not gonna be fixed in six months or fix is the wrong word it's not gonna be healed in six months it's gonna take a long time because this is a guy with deep deep infidelity wounds already but it is going to take both of you saying what must be true for us to trust each other so thanks for the call i wish i had some better news for you but i think right now it's a matter of clearing the deck and being really honest with each other and the volatility the ups and downs the big swings he needs to go sit with somebody he's gonna he's gonna melt himself from the inside out and you need to go talk to somebody too hang the line here we'll get you hooked up we come back a woman asks how to revisit what was said during a fight after the apology we'll be right back the other day i went to the movies with my family i used a driving app to get to the movie i had to order my tickets online from another app i had to order food in the theater using yet another app every app asked for loads of personal information my home address my phone number my email address my geolocation my card number and this was just to go to the movies with my family no matter what you and i do our personal information is everywhere on the internets this is why i use and recommend delete me we give away our personal data all the time and many of these apps and businesses turn around and sell our data for profit there are hundreds of data broker websites collecting posting and selling your personal information without your permission and most people don't even know it's happening delete me finds your personal information on those data broker websites and they're privacy experts get it removed for you making you less vulnerable to personalized scams and spam delete me keeps monitoring and removing your information throughout the year and they send you reports showing you exactly what they found and exactly what they've removed giving away your information sometimes is unavoidable but delete me helps you take back control go to join delete me.com slash deloney and get 20 off an annual plan that's join delete me.com slash deloney alright salt lake city utah let's talk to sarah hey sarah what's up hi um just hanging out in my car because make sure the kids aren't here very cool so what's what's going on um so pretty much i'll keep it as simple as that um just how do my partner and i actually talk about the things um said during the fight after the apology or after you know it's kind of set down how do we talk about it and move forward tell me what happened um So I guess there's like a specific one that afterward I was writing and wrote into you, but it's kind of a repeating pattern where just as usually I bring up a want and I try to make sure to address it as like a want in our relationship. And then instead of it just being a conversation about that, he'll bring up like what I see as more like character, personality issues of me. And it kind of, I guess more so the original problem gets dropped and then becomes like a bigger issue. It can even be, you know, really long. It can be long until we both kind of just get tired of it and either both apologize because we don't, you know, we love each other and we don't want to be in that fight or, and it doesn't, but it doesn't, we don't really move forward. We don't. Tell me, tell me. It keeps happening. Yeah. Long conversations, long drawn out conversations never solve a problem ever. Sometimes they are cathartic and they feel good because everyone's just tired. And I can give you a path for solving an actual issue, but there's something I, in my guts, I feel like there's something beneath this. So give me a real example. You told him one day, Hey, I want this. And he responded with what, what did you tell him? And then how did he respond? So the situation that, um, most recently happened, um, was very small compared to. Um, but I, um, kind of a bigger issue. I wanted better communication with his work schedule. Um, something for a long time, we've kind of had issues with where, you know, if he's working late, I just want to feel like thought about, you know, it doesn't, he doesn't have to tell me what time he's coming home. He doesn't have to have like a clear plan. Like, but I just want a quick text. Like, Hey, I'm not going to be coming home. You know, like I'm going to be a late night, just something. Where does he work? Um, he got, he is a, um, plant manager at a machine shop. Okay. And there's not a regular routine or schedule. No, it's, it's kind of been, we're in one of those seasons. Um, in a, in a winter storm, um, where I, the shop kind of has turned over. He just became the manager. Um, new ownership the last year about, and, um, it's kind of just a season of a lot of hours. I actually ended up, um, last week personally working there for like 15 hours to help out. Um, just, it's, it's a busy time and just meeting deadlines. This isn't forever. This is just a messy season. Yeah. Messy season. There's, there's even like an extra strategy for like this whole project. Okay. Yeah. But even before that, it shouldn't be like, yeah. So what in the world, what in the galaxy could his, could he have a problem with you saying, Hey, at five or six, can you let me know? Um, that seems like a basic form of human decency. That's not even a way you treat your wife. That's the way you treat a roommate. That's the way you treat any human on the planet. Hey, I'm not, tonight's going to be a late one. What in the world is the, the negative response to that? Um, sorry. No, you're good. Did not think I'd get, I'm so sorry. Um. Well, you're walking around your own home feeling like you're a nagging lunatic because you want to just, Hey, are you coming home at six or at midnight? That's human decency. It is very refreshing to hear that not in my own voice. You're not, you're not insane, Sarah. I know many wives who were like, no, no, no. I want to know the minute. And if I'm going to call your supervisor and how dare you come home late. That's not you. You're just saying, Hey, I need to know if to put an extra plate out. Yeah. Yeah. I need to know if I need, if I'm going to go to bed early tonight or if I want to stay up with you. I want to be a good wife. I want to be plugged in. I've tried to explain to him, like, I'm good. Like I, I have, so we are a blended, I guess, family. We have a lot of, it's been a rough road. Um, I have four kids, but we have 50, 50 custody. And so they're at our house half time. And. Like, like he is amazing. Like when he's there, he's so plugged in, he does breakfast and he packs lunches. He's really an incredible person. Like, and like, um, but it is like, it is just the feeling of being like communicated with, like the, and I've, I've, I've said that to him, like, I'm like our household functions really well. And, um, like it's not a need, it's not a logistic, like there's not a, Hey, I have to have you do this because it's, and I've, I've told him, like, it's just, I want to feel like you're thinking about me, that we're sharing this life together and that, you know, that, you know, we want you home and like, and if you're not coming home, like that's totally fine. But like, that, you know, we're here. And what's his response to that? What, what, how does he turn that into a character issue about you? Well, it kind of goes away from that because the response to that is kind of more so, um, just, he got pulled into a meeting and didn't see the time and, you know, didn't realize how late it was. Um, but then it gets like moved away from that conversation completely into, you know, what's going on. And he was frustrated that I didn't consider his day, but like he had, and like he validly did, I did think about it. Cause like, I, I, I feel fairly like a participant in, in his, his shop. Um, and like, he did have probably one of the worst days just, he was preparing for an audit. And like, it was, it was probably an unbelievable stress. And like, and so his, he was like, yo, you didn't consider me. And, and it, and there's just so many things of, you know, I don't consider, you know, I didn't consider his feelings. And then also there's no space for him to talk in the conversation. If I have negative feelings, then that's, you know, that's the atmosphere for the relationship. Like I control my feelings. I control my feelings, control how we are. And. You're kind of, you're kind of losing me. It's getting really abstract. I, I I'll give you the path forward. Okay. Like the getting, there's a lot of score keeping going on on his side. It sounds like, look at all I'm doing. I've scored 30 points. So you need to score 30 points. That's just not how marriage works. Marriage works with some days. I need you to score 50 because I can only score 10 and some days I'm going to take care of all four of these kids. And I know you're having a crazy day. I know that. And I still love you. And you're not out to lunch to, to wish he would step aside and be like, this day is bananas. I love you too. Or maybe he's not a, I love you too. Text her kind of guy. Whatever. But Hey, I'm going to be late tonight. Y'all do dinner without me. And so if you've given yourself a mantra, I'm okay with this season. I'm okay with the nature of the shop. I'm okay with this. And you're not, I want you to be honest with yourself about that. Okay. Yeah. If you're drowning in four kids. All over the place. All by yourself. Cause he's working 15 hour days. I want you to be honest about any guy. I got to get some help. Especially if this is just a season. This is the way things are going to be for a while. And, but they're not going to be this way forever. Great. We're building something together. Awesome. The path for, I want to solve an actual problem. You've probably heard me say this on the show. I'll, I'll repeat it for you, but it's pretty simple. And it's not foolproof and it's not emotion proof. In fact, it's often the opposite, but it is you saying the story I'm making up is when you're fully working. I'm a bother to you thinking about us individually. is a bother. And when you're working hard, the story I'm making up is you don't think I'm working hard too. The story I'm making up is I'm not worth a text message to say, hey, thinking about you. And you going first saying, here's what I'm making up. And those stories make me feel small. They make me feel less than. They make me feel real, real sad. They make me feel like I'm doing this all by myself. Because otherwise he's going to think in his head, I'm working 15 hour days and I'm taking care of all this madness and I'm trying to provide and I get up and I do lunches and I do this and now she wants one more thing from me. And what we want, we want to get away from that too. He's just trying to run through a checklist because it sounds like the real thing is you miss your husband. Yeah. And so saying, here's the stories I'm making up. Here's how I feel about them. And here's what I'm going to do differently. Whenever I wonder if, why you haven't texted, I'm going to text you. And I'm going to start assuming if I don't hear from you by five or by six, that you're not coming home for dinner. And I'll plan accordingly. I guess I kind of, I probably listened to your show too much, to be honest. I, I have tried that and I've tried to have like that conversation with him. I've tried to show up that way. And what is it? It doesn't work. He doesn't care. And yeah, it doesn't really feel like he's score keeping. Like he does. Um, like I, I recognize that like, it's like my recognition that he does show up so much. Like he's not putting that out necessarily as like an attack, but it's, it's just the, like he just, and I think for like a long time since, you know, since we stopped dating each other, like I feel like we stopped dating each other, you know, he just, he's at work, he comes home, he wants us to be convenient. Um, and like, and I've tried to rewrite like the narratives in my head and like, and I, like part of me wants to be able to keep with that. But after like weeks of just telling myself, like, I know he cares. I know that, you know, like I, I see the things that he does and I know that's his way of showing me that he cares. That's the problem. Yeah. But that's, that's the problem. Um, is it's my responsibility in my marriage to speak in a language that my wife can hear not to do all the things that I want to do and expect her to interpret that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And so there, there is, the most telling thing you've told me on this call is the expectation is that we're convenient and that is an expectation that goes out the window when you take somebody else and say i'll i'll marry you ride or die until one of us dies that's not convenient there's nothing about love that's convenient there's nothing about marriage that's convenient we're building something yeah the challenge for you is it sounds like you've done the things you've sat down and said here's what i would love here's what i want here's what i want us to build together and your husband said i don't want that am i overstating it or is that true he has said i want to work on my career i want to help out with the kids and i want y'all to kind of stay out of the way yeah that's what it feels like sometimes that's a hard hard place to find yourself hang on the line i want to hook you up with my buddy luke lefever i want you to go through his um he teaches journaling courses but he helps you get to the feelings beneath the feelings beneath the feelings and i think right now you're going to be able to do that right now you're going to be able to do that right now you're going to be able to do that right now you feel so lonely and right now you feel just nuts and i want you to go through his course so hang on the line here i'll get your information and i'll connect you uh with luke and he'll put you into his course but i want you to go be a part of that for a few weeks or maybe a few months and this is something you can do on your own and uh it won't cost you anything but i want you to go through this and i want you to begin to develop your voice and not not a dramatic this is my voice i want you to develop here's what's actually going on in my chest here's what i actually feel and here's what i now know beneath the feelings beneath the emotions here's what i know to be true because i don't i don't want spouses to have to manage each other and i don't want spouses to be this is going to be an inconvenience to hear how my wife feels about something so that i can get on to the more important things of scrolling or having my alone time or being left alone that's not a it's not a life it's not a marriage and yeah if you're not married yet i mean you you're getting a visual of 5 10 15 20 years down the road what you're signing up for and maybe he got hurt bad in his last marriage and he circled the walls up and said never again will i get hurt like that i'm going to manage every moment of my life you get to decide whether you want to be married to that or not thanks for the call we come back a man asks how to honor his parents while moving forward with his marriage we'll be right back you know why i keep talking about cozy earth because every cozy earth product i've ever tried has been great so great that they've become integrated into my home i love cozy earth's bamboo sheets they're soft they're breathable they're temperature regulating i've got them on 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what's up so i am getting married in a couple months congratulations excited about that thank you yeah great uh great support system i'm just super excited my uh my parents are not in support of the relationship or the marriage and so i uh i just wanted to talk to you a little bit about how maybe i can move forward relationally with them in this season and try and work through some of those things with them sure how old are you yeah i'm 35 okay why don't your parents support your marriage uh we are all of us involved in the situation are born again christians um but they uh my my fiance has been married and divorced before and uh my parents are just very opposed to any kind of remarriage after divorce it's a it's a belief system okay so i'm gonna sound crass or or i'm gonna sound not crass uh callous is that okay yeah please all right so i guess as and i'm gonna say things like uh obtusely like i keep saying dorky words um i'm gonna say things real direct and i want you to push back on me if i'm wrong okay yeah it's one of the things i love about your show go for it okay you're 35 a yes are you gonna marry this woman yep are you yes okay then who cares what they say here's next thing underneath that they've judged a lot of things you've done over the course of your life and held that over you for a long time true or false uh true okay they always have had opinions about decisions you've made and decisions they haven't made and often their opinions are wrapped in some sort of faith value system of theirs true or false yeah true okay so let's not expect anything different this time the question you have to ask yourself is are you still going to marry her you said yes yeah b you had a fantasy a picture a fantasy is how use that word it's the wrong word you had a picture that you painted that they were going to be standing next to you at this wedding they're not and that so now i'm going to retract what my first statement i said who cares what they think of course you care what they think they're your parents and not only that they are using the same label for their value system that you use for yours but it's different and so they're trying to weaponize your value system against you because y'all both use the same label for your value system but your values are very different than from each other's and often that happens when people want to control what other people are doing are they going to come to the wedding uh no no i don't i don't think so okay so there's going to be a season of grief be sad and this may be an open door for you to finally begin to unhook yourself from they get a vote in the decisions that you make you still love them still going to treat them with honor and respect but they don't get a vote in the decisions that you make does that make sense yeah absolutely and i um i agree with all that i do some counseling myself and that's the advice that i would give certainly um it doesn't make it easy no no it doesn't um you know like you said it's a belief system thing so at the end of the day i am objectively wrong and they are objectively right and it's it's hard to have a relationship when they're on god's side and therefore i'm i'm not it's a tale as old as time yeah all right i mean you probably heard that that that in a war both sides are praying to their god right one of them's gonna lose right and so as long as you try to morph and twist your value system to match theirs nothing about their life will change you will just become a diminished lesser version of yourself and if you haven't already i would take the time to write down your personal values and the day after you get married not the day after that's kind of lame but shortly after you get married you and your wife or beforehand as a part of a premarital thing like write down who are we gonna be let's have a joint value system for our marriage i mean for god's sakes we do it in our businesses you're a minister is that what you said yes yeah y'all have your church has a core values or whatever um like i don't know why marriages don't have that marriages should this is who we are going to be and then other people get to opt in or out of your value system but my i'm man maybe i might be reaching but just the fact that you're asking this question at 35 tells me they've been hovering over you your whole stinking life fair hmm yeah and at some point you have to have the courage to say y'all don't get a vote yeah that's i mean that's that's exactly where i'm at i don't i don't mourn that i mean i don't i'm fine moving on and making decisions i am is that kind of relationship worth pursuing obviously they don't get a say they don't get a vote my wife and i get to determine what our life is going to be um i think you send them a letter i mean that just says i'm sad y'all aren't gonna be able to make it i understand y'all are making a principled decision and i respect your right to make this principled decision i'm gonna miss you and we hope to have kids someday and i hope you'll be a part of their lives and if your principles don't allow that it'll make me sad but you'll have to make a principled decision but y'all are adults and y'all get to make your choices my front door will always be open and then they get to choose whether they walk in it or not and the most people are not prepared for the heartbreak on the other side of that sort of statement that sort of boundary if you will when they choose to not walk through it um you know what i'm saying yeah because they would rather be right in their version of right than be in relationship with their freaking son man that sucks that's the worst yeah yeah makes sense do you and this woman do y'all plan on having kids um we're not sure okay i'm biased so i hope you do but i don't want to put my bias on everybody but i hope you do but here's the thing the thing well a thing here that you can control is moving forward my kids will know wherever you happen to be i'll be right there i'll chase my kids to hell and back yeah right yeah absolutely that's definitely changed my perspective on that and looking to the future in that in that way that's that's true you will probably if you truly metabolize it you'll probably enter into a pretty dark season of anger because this has probably been happening a lot and you could probably go back to elementary school and middle school and your college choice and the relationships you did or didn't have as a young adult the decisions you made where you lived you'll start to realize oh my gosh these people have been using their set of values to force me in a particular direction my whole life by the way since you're an adult they haven't forced you but it sometimes it takes a while for that light to come on right i've made choices right to stay attached to their value system and i don't i don't it's not a part of my life anymore and by the way i i say this often on the show my quote the executor of my will one of my greatest friends on the planet is an executive at a bank and my day job is telling people to get out of debt right i co-host a financial show that helps people get out of debt that means that when it comes to that core value week his every day of his life he goes to work trying to get people to borrow more money and that means that the core core value every day i go to work i'm hoping his business fails and every day he goes work he's hoping my business fails and he's one of my best friends on the planet right so it doesn't mean i'm not gonna be in a relationship doesn't mean i'm not gonna love you but it means we don't agree on everything great but if his front door is open like it was two days ago when i was in another state i walked right through it and he welcomed me with open arms and his awesome wife did too and my son who they haven't seen in a couple years i wanted them to see my son what a cool kid he's grown into what a great young man he's turning into because they were a part of his life when he was really little and so our our disagreement on a shared value sure didn't stop me from walking in their wide open door and sure didn't stop them from opening that wide open door for me you know what i'm saying wow yeah those are those are the best kinds of relationships in my experience where you can look at each other and say we disagree on this but come on in i mean that's that's exactly who i want to be yeah and it would have been awesome if your dad sat you down as a 35 year old and he's 65 or however old he is and he said hey i need you to know i happen to be a dad and i'm not a dad and i'm not a dad and i'm not a dad and i'm not a dad and i'm not a dad and i'm not a dad and i'm not a dad and i'm not a dad and i'm not a dad and i am think that what you're doing is is not wise or isn't right even but you're my son and i'll stand here with you i've spoken my piece and now i'm gonna stand here that would be that would be awesome and the grief is it's not how it played out yeah and i hate that for you i hate that for your parents for god's sakes we'll be sitting there on their couch scrolling their phones while his son while their son's life is transforming and they're choosing right over relationship good for you you know what i mean yeah yeah absolutely and then your work that you gotta do is you gotta have people in your corner that are 10 20 or 30 years down the road from you especially as a guy who other people come to counsel that means you especially need wise counsel yeah i i found so much comfort in the past seven eight months in family that i've chosen friends that i've chosen versus my own family so it's it's a strange transition um but i'm grateful i have people in my life i don't feel like i'm alone or floundering but that's right but yeah and there's still going to be a hole there and it's it's not tough or cool just to blow over it or to pretend it's not there whatever like it is it's there it stinks it's the worst yeah so yeah this is your independence day brother this is like the freedom day i i want you to spend some time developing your core values and i take back what i said earlier i want you to you and your fiancee to do it before you get married who are we gonna be what are our core values as husband and wife gonna be in terms of hospitality in terms of loving and service and caring and commitment like all those things who are we gonna be to each other who are gonna be to as a united front to the rest of the world if we do have kids again i'm biased you should have 50 of them like who are we gonna be to them to their friends let's do that hard work yeah absolutely you're right i'll do it and i'll tell you i'm i'm a big fan of marriage i'm i'm happy for you brother congratulations hope this is a time of incredible celebration joy laughter dancing silliness fun i hope y'all build an amazing life together thank you i'm excited yes all right hang on the line here i'm gonna hook you up with the together app that's gonna be my wedding gift for you i'll give it to you for a year um help you and your new wife get started on the right foot um with some daily micro habits and i'll see you next time bye bye some daily action steps y'all can take together towards each other to build an amazing marriage thanks for calling brother we'll be right back this show is sponsored by better help i know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time you show up to work you pay the bills you smile at the right times but then no one sees you snap at your spouse they don't see you sitting awake at 2 a.m running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day listen just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges that's where better help comes in better help will match you with one of their 30 000 licensed therapists someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying they can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward better help therapists all follow a strict code of ethics and if the first therapist isn't the right one for you you're going to have to get the right fit you can switch for no extra cost listen asking for help before you hit a wall isn't a weakness it's wisdom and strength if you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together trust a better help therapist to help you carry the load go to betterhelp.com slash deloney for 10 off that's better help h-e-l-p.com slash deloney all right we're back alex alex how's the ibs situation under control today can't confirm can't confirm i saw you back there eating a blooming onion though my bad not really i would never eat a blooming onion even if i could eat i wouldn't either not a fan so people didn't like me giving you a hard time about your onion sensitivity apparently not i'm okay guys i'm okay i'm not offended i appreciate the support though the internet people came out full support of alex and his onion sensitivity i'm trying to imagine 150 years ago if your dad was an onion farmer and you were like dad i can't do it at that point it's natural selection i'd probably just die man i got kind of dark see that's what i wish here's my dream my dream for the internet is that if people see an exchange like me giving my buddy alex a hard time their first thought would be man that's awesome that they are good buddies not that you're in some sort of abusive work situation and i'm this tyrant podcasting youtuber well okay all right hey listen if you're still listening um i created something called the weekly rundown this is a step-by-step play-by-play pdf it's as simple as can be for you and your spouse to do a weekly check-in together about what's coming up this week it's a version of what me and my wife do we've been doing it so long we don't have a list that we go by anymore it's just kind of innate but this is a step-by-step guide it's for free click the link in the show notes and we will ship it over to you it's a weekly rundown playbook for you and your spouse to get on the same page and build an awesome marriage love you guys thanks stay in school don't do drugs bye