Caller: “Why Do I Keep Blowing Up on My Family?”

I'm a recovering addict. I've got four kids and a wife. I don't know if you've ever heard a different quote. If you're raised with an angry man in your house, there will always be an angry man in your house. And you will find them even when he's not there. And I've just struggled a lot recently with being an angry husband and parents. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on mental and emotional health, parenting, relationships, marriage, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we will figure out what's your next right step. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you. It's real people going through real challenges in real time. Click the link in the show notes. If wherever you're listening to this, wherever you're watching this, and it will get you connected with Kelly and she'll get you on the show. It's got the Kansas City Kansas, Kansas City, Kansas, the right side, as those in Kansas say. And let's talk to Mitchell. Hey, Mitchell, what's up, dude? Hey, John, how's it going? Good, my man. What's going on with you? So my question is, I'm a recovering addict. I don't know if you've ever heard the quotes. I can't remember who it's from, but it's along the lines of, if you're raised with an angry man in your house, there will always be an angry man in your house and you will find them even when he's not there. I've got three daughters and I've just struggled a lot recently with being an angry husband and parent. That's what I want to work on. Just wondering if you have any advice. Yeah, thanks for calling, brother. So tell me about your recovery journey. Well, I mean, I started using in early high school years started with alcohol, the whipped weed, then with the pills. I've tried getting sober probably three or four other times. The longest I've ever pieced together was about a year and a half. I'm currently on six months. Okay, so A, congratulations. Thank you. You're not just congratulations because you're six months, but congratulations because you have a history of getting back up and getting back up and getting back up. That's a good thing. So are you in any kind of recovery program? I go to any. Okay. So they've they've probably talked about this, but maybe not in this way. Anytime I'm sitting down with somebody who's has a lifelong history of substance abuse, like you have of any kind, I always want to start from a weird perspective. What if the alcohol the weed, the pills, whatever, what if they were right? What if they were actively helping you avoid unsafe unpleasant feelings, emotions, situations, et cetera? If that was true, what if they were the solution all these years, they weren't the problem. And now, obviously, they become the problem because they take everything from you, right? But since you're a high school kid, what have you been numbing out from? That's a good question, man. I don't know, I would say that it's just it made me a different person, I guess, like it, it helped me be more stoic and be more the person I wanted to be, I guess. Where did you get the message that you shouldn't feel? Because I don't think you're talking about the Marcus Aurelius stoicism, like, I want to have these deep feelings and on a weep and on a laugh and on a play, but also I have a job to do. That's not what you're talking about. You're talking about, I want to be a statue. I want to be hard. Yeah. I was assumed from my grandfather, my grandparents were who raised me. Okay. Where was your birth parents? So my mother died of cancer when I was 18 months old. Good God. And my dad kind of went off the rails when that happened. He was an addict as well. Okay. So my grandparents, ever since I was three, they raised me. So I don't want to spend too much time here, but I just want to throw out a theory, okay, an idea, just a guess. What if your body understood at a real young age, either a we don't have the luxury of feeling or be nobody cares about how I am or how I feel or what I want to be doing or what I think is important or three, what if the pain of that much loss to such a tiny little body to a tiny little human being was so intense that man, a drink took that away. Yeah. I have a lot of compassion for high school kid who finds himself in that situation. A lot. Now, fast forward to now your six months sober. And that means you're you've just about burned off all of the emotional raw raw of sobriety. And now you have an ideal and the reality of I'm having to walk without the crutch I've been using for a long, long time. And so you're getting a more honest appraisal of the you beneath all of the numbing agents and all of the the masks, right? I like to think of anger again initially as a right emotion, a good emotion pointing towards the way things should be. It means you care about something. Okay. So what are you angry at? I feel like it'd be easier to list the things I'm not angry at. Just start rattling off a few things. What do you get angry at? We'll see if we can find a comment thread underneath at all. I mean, just when the kids are misbehaving or they don't they don't do the things that they know they're supposed to do or they or rather they do things they know they're not supposed to be doing it. With the wife, it's silly, but you know, like mistrust, which is definitely warranted with the addiction issues and stuff. She doesn't trust you and you get mad about it. Yeah. Okay. But it's warranted. I mean, it's still it's still sucks. Yeah. What else? What else what else set you off? Like to the point like where you know it's irrational. Like you know, like I'm mad about something. My body's like wants to go to war and I know in my in my mind in my frontal lobe, this is silly. Or maybe it's not silly, but it's not worth the response my body's giving it. Yeah. Yeah. Give me an example. I mean, I had one the other day. I guess, I guess the easiest way to wrap it up is when honestly people get mad at me. Like my wife got mad at me for something I did. And my response was to just get angry and blow that force. Okay. So the three things I'm seeing underneath the challenges you expressed and tell me if this is true. Okay. You don't like feeling powerless and trapped. Yeah. Like for instance, a six-year-old might feel when his mom has passed away, when his dad just walked out on him and he's forced to live with two quasi-strangers who have a very militant way of doing life. Yeah. You don't like feeling less than. You're always scanning the environment for making sure everybody's equal. And if in any way, whether it warranted or not, whether you've done a thing or haven't done a thing, if somebody appears to have a step up over you, you got to burn them down to level things back out. That's pretty accurate. Okay. The next one is you call it anger or I would call it guilt or I'd call it shame. When you actually do a thing that hurts somebody and they have they have an emotional response to it. And instead of being able to say the words I'm sorry and sit with them, how can I make this right? That feeling feels so less than, it feels so powerless that the only way you respond, the only way your body knows to respond is to go back over the top of them. Yeah. Right. And a few things make us feel more powerless than a roomful of kids that won't do what we know, that won't do what we think they know. They should be doing. How dare you all keep laughing and having fun and wanting to poke at me? You're all supposed to be folding your clothes because whatever. All brushing your teeth at the same time, right? Yeah. It's exposing and feels powerless, right? Because then you start to realize, oh, I can't make, I mean, I could make you make you because you're all still little. I've got bigger muscles than you, but in very short order, I can't make you do much anything. So, there. Here's all I'll tell you. You're not crazy. I don't know you walk around feeling like you're losing your mind, like you're less than. The thing that's standing between you and becoming the peaceful presence that those three girls can anchor into now and for the rest of their life is you practicing emotional maturity, having a really big feeling and creating enough space to a tiny gap before you react. I'll give you a couple of things, ways things you can practice and then responding in the way you would like to respond. Not the way that immediately feels good because anger feels good. Rage feels good. It's addictive. Feels powerful. But I got to tell you, I got to be honest with you. This is going to take a long time, it's going to take a lot of concerted effort and you're going to have to first believe your worth not being angry all the time and that your worth being in relationship with and those girls didn't somehow lose the cosmic lottery by having you as their dad and then your wife isn't somehow anchored to a loser because she's got three kids with them and she's got to stay. You're going to have to decide your worth being married to. And if you can anchor from that point, then you can practice anything you got to practice. And if you haven't already, I'm telling you right now is a former guy who is an angry, angry guy. You got to go sit with a trauma therapist and work it out, man. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, brother to brother, I've been there and on the other side of it, dude, I cannot tell you what it's like to have a 10-year-old daughter that I can't get off of me because I'm her safe place. Are you in? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. You're not sound convincing. No, I'm in. I'm just a little choked out. Okay. Tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what your next move is. I mean, I was literally before I got called. I was searching through a therapist. I'm better help. So I better help a sponsor of my show. You need an in-person trauma therapist. Okay. Okay. And it's worth the money. It's worth you getting a side job to go pay for. And I want you to find a trauma-focused therapist in your area, which there will be. And I want you to walk in the front door of their office and say, I've got a really rough childhood and I've made some poor decisions as an adult. And I'm ready to heal. Okay. I'll start looking through. It's an empowerment thing. Okay. Yeah. Okay. It's an ownership. I'm in control of my life and I'm in control of what I do next. Now, I'll tell you a couple of things. I've had to navigate over the years getting control of my own anger. And one of them is exhaling. There's a, I don't get all nerdy on you. If you just take an inhale that's four seconds and an exhale that's 10 seconds and you do that three or four or five times, bring your mind back online. Okay. And so there's something about walking in and you tell all the girls, y'all need to go get ready for bed and then you go do something to come back out and they're still in a big old pile being goofy on the mill of floor. They're being kids. Do they need to follow your directions? Yes, but they're being kids. And so I'm going to take two or three deep breaths and I'm going to have long exhales. And then either A, I'm going to practice completely doing the opposite thing. I'm going to go jump in the mill that pile. I'm going to get a pillow and join them. I'm going to come in and make and fart noises on my arm or if there's something they really need to be doing, I'm going to come in and I'm going to squat down. I level with them so they know I'm serious and say, hey, I told you once. This is it. Anybody go get ready for bed? You know what I'm saying? That's you practicing being under control. All right. When your wife calls you out on something and you instantly get angry, talk about this with her when you're not angry but I want you to look at her and say, I'm feeling less than and the story I'm making up is you don't like me anymore. And tell her that all that is is you practicing staying in the moment and not hiding behind anger and rage. Okay. And all she needs to do is say, I love you. I don't like you right now because you did X, Y or Z and you can go. Okay. That's fair. Yeah. You really hit the nail on the head with that last one. Yeah. Let's talk. I want to talk. No one likes to feel less than, right? But if you know, my self-worth isn't any number of individual mistakes and she still loves me, she's not going anywhere. Then what my larger purpose is we're building a thing together. And if the brick I was stacking is the wrong way, then man, I'm sad. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed that I stacked the brick sideways or wrong. But now that she's taught me how she wants it stacked or how it can be best be stacked, then now we can get to building the best thing the best marriage possible. Do you have a job? Yeah. I don't right now. No. Okay. That's A1. And it might be, are you staying at home with the kids? Yeah. I am. Okay. Is that good for you? It's definitely allowed me to have a lot more time with them. I think I need it for sure. Okay. If you're going to do that, I want you to start the night before. I want you to be very intentional about your plan for the next day because the lack of intentionality is going to wear you down. Yeah. Have an erode map for each day as though you're going to a full-time job. That makes sense. Okay. Otherwise it can feel pretty aimless in about three o'clock or two o'clock comes along and you want nothing more than six oxies and a TV screen and you just want the room quiet. Fair. Yeah. Because you start getting that 2 a 2 p.m. unintentional kind of blew itch. Do you have an exercise routine? I don't. Sweet. You start tomorrow. I'm going to hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with my buddies at mine pump. You can get on the site and they'll hook you up with any one of their workout plans. It's the ones I use in my house. And they're still OG, dude. You print them off. I love it. Okay. And you can have bodyweight exercises if you don't have a Craigslist gym in your garage. But you can go do them in your garage. You can do them in the backyard. But it's something to get your body up and moving where you begin to take ownership of your life. Am I talking about being a gym bro or anything weird like that right now? Okay. Yeah. Talking about a promise you make to yourself that you keep every day. Okay. Cool. Cool. Are you in? I'm in. I'm in, man. I believe with all my guts you have the ability to change the entire family tree. That's the goal. Okay. It starts with you believing you're worth changing it. You start with you looking in the mirror and believing I'm part of a tree worth saving. And we're in a world now that says, you know what? None of these trees are worth saving. Let's burn them all to the ground. And I think that's insane. Yeah. I think you've done way too much hard work to just cash out. So game on, brother. Game on. Actually, and also hang on. I'll give you a year of together app too. I want you and your wife to use this app. And it will give you a thing you can do for her, even when you're mad, even when you're frustrated, even when you're exhausted. It'll give you a thing you can do towards her. And it will give her a thing she can do towards you. Thanks for call my brother. We come back. A woman asks how to stay friendly without unintentionally sending the wrong messages to other men. We'll be right back. All right. I've been talking about my love for poncho shirts for years. Here's what's been awesome over the last few months. I'm seeing men wearing poncho shirts everywhere. I'm seeing them on my buddies here at the office. I'm seeing them out in the wild. I'm seeing them on folks at church. I'm seeing them at my shows where people are coming and they're wearing poncho shirts. I'm seeing folks wearing poncho shirts everywhere. And what that means is, you know, when you're wearing poncho shirts, you're wearing poncho shirts everywhere. is y'all are getting the message, Pancho shirts rule. I've been wearing them for years. If I'm on stage, if I'm traveling, if I'm out running around town, if I'm mowing the yard, if I'm fishing with my kids, I'm probably wearing Pancho shirts. I've got one on right now. This studio I'm in is freezing, so I've got one of their winter shirts on, but outside of the office where it's hot, I'm wearing the Pancho originals and ultra lights all the time because they're light, they breathe and they move with you and they are super tough. I'm never worried about my Pancho shirts. And here's the thing, I don't have to think about it. I just grab one and I go. So when people ask me if Pancho shirts are worth it, I always say yes. And now I see y'all out in the world and y'all are getting the message, Pancho shirts are the best. For the men in your life, go to Panchooutdoors.com/deloney and check out all of their styles. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first purchase. That's Panchooutdoors.com/deloney. Here's me being completely honest. Up until a couple of years ago, I had no idea what brand of towels I used. I didn't know what kind of socks I bought. I had no idea where the sheets on my bed came from. And then I got my hands on the cozy earth towels. And I was like these are different. And these are amazing. And then I got some cozy earth blankets. And then I got a cozy earth comforter. Then I got cozy earth socks. And I even got some cozy earth pants. And I got to just tell you, I smile more in my home because my home feels warm and cozy because of all of this cozy earth gear. And you know what kind of sheets I use? I know the name now, cozy earth sheets. These are not normal sheets. They're made from viscos from bamboo. They are soft. They are breathable. And somehow they keep me cool without freezing me out. And they are amazing. Cozy earth sheets help me sleep better. And here's the deal. Cozy earth will give you a hundred night sleep trial on all of their bedding. Right? So on their comforters, their sheets, their blankets, and a 10 year warranty on everything else, socks, pants, everything else. So there's no risk for you to try cozy earth for you and your family. Go to cozy earth dot com slash Deloni and use code Deloni. And you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozy earth dot com slash Deloni and use code Deloni. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell Cozy earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona and talk to Jane. What's up, Jane? Hey, Dr. Deloni. What's up? Hi, I'm super excited to talk to you and honored. I'm excited to talk to you. What's going on? Well, I am naturally very friendly. And it's often interpreted as flirting. And it's created problems since my husband and I were dating. So I am wondering how can I become more aware of the signals I'm sending and protect my marriage without losing the warm, friendly part of who I am. Tell me more about friendly versus flirting. Okay. Well, maybe just I'll give you a little background. Yeah, because my head is like, I'm super kind. And I write thank you cards or the other the other side of me is like, I do is like lick the side of their face. That's it. Yeah, like so. And there's got to be a middle ground, right? So what is what is friendly to you that's seen by your husband and others as flirting? Okay. Yeah. So I had something recent. My husband and I have been married for 10, almost 11 years next month. Okay. And we've got four incredible kids. And I feel like we've just barely been coming up for air. You have after this. So we just recently went on family vacation with our extended family. And I went shopping with one of my sister-in-laws. And we I was going to go buy a shirt. And I went to the cashier. And just being the friendly person I am, I just said, hey, I heard they give 20% off for blonde today, like cute blonde. And I could tell that he was kind of like, huh, you know, like just taken it back. So he was like, oh, that's funny. And then just kind of went and was ringing me up. And then he goes, oh, it looks like two dollars came off. And I said, oh, man, thank you so much. And so just left while my sister-in-law was like, like, I would never think to do that. And she's like, hey, she said she kind of relayed the story to the rest of the family. And she's like, yeah, he kind of looked as if he didn't know if you were making a pass at him or flirting with him. He's like, but it's just the friendly you, you know. And so my husband brought it up later on. And I have recently lost all the baby weight. So I'm feeling kind of confident in myself. And then I'm also getting a mommy makeover in a couple of months. And so he just said, you know, I'm feeling like you're kind of back to your old self. You've lost the weight. We're going to do this big surgery soon. I'm worried that your friendliness is going to kind of be like it was when we were dating. And you're going to give guys the wrong impression. And it's going to put our our marriage in a predicament. Ooh, yikes. Um, I know. I don't, I personally, now again, if you had like a real low cut shirt on and you were leaning over the counter. And like, and you were like, like licking your lips when you're talking to this dude, maybe. But what you just, the way you just explained that to me, didn't sound flirty at all. Sounds like a girl trying to get a discount. Okay. And that's, and that's what I thought. But I, there were things like when we were dating. And so tell me, but again, a, that's 11 years ago. Right. But tell me what they were. Tell me what, tell me, tell me some things that your husband called out 11 years ago that he was uncomfortable with. Yeah. So like one, one thing was, um, I worked as a paralegal and, um, had, you know, tons of people in our law firm working with us. And, um, I became friends with some of the people there. And one of the guys, um, I was very friendly with him and just kind of joked. I kind of like, I thought like a brother that he said to one of the guys, like, man, I think she's in to me. I think I'm going to ask her out. And the guy was like, whoa, uh, she's, she's about to get engaged. Like, she's not interested in new promise. And he's like, no, she totally seems like she is. And it caused him to be like, totally hurt. And then, you know, relate it to my boyfriend at the time at my husband now. And he was like, whoa, like, what's going on? And then, um, had another instance of the coworker where he wasn't feeling well. And I said to my boyfriend, I was like, I, I, uh, I think I'll make him cookies or something. And he's like, why would you make a guy cookies when you're dating me? You know, it just was, so I don't know if it's just like me being naive and like, or if it's me just being a people pleaser and wanting to make everybody happy, but it just has come off as flirting a lot of times. And so usually I don't recognize it until after the fact I am and have been for most of my adult life. I have a reputation for being pretty kind and be pretty sarcastic. And also, um, I'm a flirty guy too. And I had, I like, had to put the hard breaks on it several years ago. Yeah. And I have to also be honest that I did like the warmth and the attention. Yes. It was both. And I also had to be honest in reflection that I knew how to string a conversation a little bit longer. Fair. Fair. Totally fair. And my fear for you is that warmth and that's that attention becomes something that tells you that you've got value and you've got worth or that may be missing from your relationship with your husband. Okay. And that's a quick. That's my fear. Well, I think you're over analyzing it. It just as an is or it as an isn't. Because if underneath it all is, I got, I'm married to a pretty cold guy. No. It feels messy to me. Yeah. Well, I think it just blindsided me because we've really had no issue, especially with my friendliness. I think it's actually a strength of mine. And I think that's why he married me. I do. I think he likes that I, I can talk to anybody and really kind and just empathetic with everyone, but And there honestly hasn't been anything until now, where it's like, oh, I've lost the baby weight and now we're entering kind of this new phase that he's brought this up. Like there hasn't been any issue and so just kind of blindsided me because I thought, man, have I not proven myself for the past decade that there's no issue? The part of me that's cringing inside right now, and again, I'm speaking without being very thoughtful. I'm just speaking kind of stream of consciousness here, is that he's created a world where he feels safe when you feel less confident, and I don't like that, especially if you haven't been cheating on him, if you haven't been, whatever, and to bring up things that happen in what I'm trusting you 100% here, misunderstandings that happened or maybe you were flirting with a guy or you liked his warmth or you did like extra, extra giggle at his jokes or what? I don't know how women flirt, but like, you know what I'm talking about, like in retrospect, you can go, yeah, I was basking in it and I liked it and I can totally see how in any other situation he would have thought I was kind of into him. If you can retro that 10 freaking years ago or 11 years ago and no, I'm not, I don't want to be that person, then that's awesome, that's growth. But I have a sick feeling in my stomach that your husband has made peace with. I like my wife when she doesn't think she's attractive and when she's not confident. That's when I feel safer in my relationship, man, I didn't sit well with me at all. What would he say if he was on the phone? If he was to call in and say, my wife wants to get, and I'm assuming it's like tell me to talk in the breast augmentation, all like, you want to get it all back, right? And what would he call and say, hey, my wife wants to do these things and I'm nervous that? What would he say? I don't just the attention that I'm going to get, but that's the thing is I'm a very modest girl. Like, I'm not one to flaunt my stuff or very, I don't know, but I don't know why. I don't know what he would say. I think I wonder if it comes because we started, when we started dating, when he came into the picture, I actually had a guy that I was dating at the same time and he was kind of my parents' pick. Your husband was or this other dude? This other dude of my parents' pick. Okay. And my husband was my pick and I had a hard time letting go of the other guy because I didn't want to hurt him and just kind of was planned both sides. Sure. And so, and then, of course, I ended it with the other guy, but it was hard for me. And I think I don't know if it like stems from that more so than just like the flirting that I don't, I don't know that the situation as you outlined it at the store recently with your sister-in-law feels like gaslighting 101. I can't wrap my head around that being flirting, but again, I didn't see you, right? So if I had watched you with no volume on, maybe, but it just has you describe it to me, it sounds silly. Okay. You know what I mean? I thought so too. My bigger concern for you is that somehow you've backed yourself into a corner where your initial response doesn't count as much as everybody else's initial response. Hmm. I never thought of it in that way. And so there's something that's happened over the course of your relationships that has allowed you or has backed you into a corner or you've walked into a corner where, like, my wife regularly, especially in the past, would say, "Hey, watch out for so-and-so." And I would be, or watch out for that person and I'd be like, "What over?" She was right 100% of the time. So what I've learned over the, and that's not just with, like, somebody's into you. That is, "Hey, there's about to be a fight here. We need to go." And I'd be like, "We're fine when I was just a big blockheaded moron. And every time I ignored her, there was an issue." And so I've learned I miss stuff. I miss it. And big social groups and interactions, I can be on a complete one train of thought and completely miss it. Somebody else is picking something else up. Okay. Okay. So I've learned to outsource that. I trust my wife implicitly. And she also has learned to trust me implicitly, like, "Oh, he doesn't see that, right? He doesn't see this guy eyeball in him. There's about to be a problem here." You know what I'm saying? Well, maybe that's the big issue is I trust him implicitly. Yeah. I don't think he trusts me. That's the conversation you'll need to have. Okay. Because I'm like, "Fam, what more can I do?" Yeah. And if he's holding you hostage for stuff that happened before y'all were dating, or right when y'all started dating, eleven years ago, four kids ago. That's a problem. Okay. I don't even know how to bring that up. Tensions the doorway, right through the middle of it. I would start it with stories you're making up. That's the gentlest, most vulnerable way to enter into a hard conversation. You said this the other day and the story I'm choosing to make up is the story I'm making up is. The only way you feel safe in this relationship is if I don't feel confident. Yeah. The story I'm making up is if I feel good in my own skin, that you are then going to go back to old and secure you. The story I'm making up is basic human kindness has somehow been co-opted into people I think I'm flirting all the time. I can do that. And let him respond to those stories. Okay. And then there will be some compromisers, always some, like, yeah, I get that. I get my impulse, like, and I'm speaking as though I'm you. My impulse is if there's anybody's not feeling well, my impulse is I'm going to make them cookies and soup and take it over. I also understand that to some people who may be interested in me doing that would send a signal that I don't want to send. So I'm not going to do that, right? Or if your husband says that makes me objectively uncomfortable, then you get to choose, okay, fair. I'm not making you uncomfortable versus doing this other thing. But again, it's a balance, right? Right. And I think it's, I'm just like, I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage, our family. And I just, I don't know how to help him believe that. Have you said that to him? I have. I said it to him in the moment that he shared this with me. And so, but I don't, I don't know if there's some, you know, some inner demons for him and that we just had, I thought that we had put to rest. But now that this more confident knee is coming out, it's bringing it up again. Yeah. I hate it for you. Yeah, I hate it for you because in a perfect world, he would sit down with you and say, hey, the best part of my life, the best thing for me, for these kids, for you is a fully confident you, a you that feels amazing in her own skin. And the story I'm telling myself is, I'm not enough for you, I've never been enough for you. I'm afraid you're going to go seeking enoughness from other people. That'd be a dream. If you had that language and let you respond to it, because in underneath that, you can get to, okay, what, what would enoughness look like? What would that, what would that be? Okay. I like that. But yeah, there's, there's been some sort of weird dynamic that's, that's emerged over, like you said, coming up for air, four kids in 10 years is a lot of humans running around, a lot of human creating and a lot of humans everywhere. There is a natural turning of the page. Now, we have a new brand new marriage. We have four kids been married a little over a decade. What do you want this marriage to look like? And I don't want any marriage built on one person being uncomfortable and, and discontent their own skin so that somebody else can feel more empowered. I want both people to figure out how they can be the best versions of themselves so they can step into this marriage and see and know and celebrate each other. All right. Yeah, that's, that's a, you got some tough conversations ahead and I'm hoping it's a big Thank you. understanding. My gut tells me it's a deeper issue. So best of luck to you. And if he wants to call in, if you all both want to call back again, I'd love to have you both on. We'll get you right through because I'd love to hear his side of the story. But yeah, the tensions adore way on this one. Head into those hard conversations. And best of luck to you. When we come back, a man asks how to build back financially after being a victim of domestic violence and financial abuse. This show is sponsored by BetterHealth. Hey, my friends at BetterHealth just released their annual state of stigma report. It's full of all sorts of data about why so many people avoid getting help for their mental and emotional health challenges. And here's a data point that stood out to me. More than three out of four Americans reported anxiety or depression symptoms over the previous two weeks. If that's you and your caring stress, anxiety or depression or symptoms of those things, just talking to someone can help more than you could ever imagine. I want you to try BetterHealth. BetterHealth is an online therapy platform that matches you with one of their 30,000 plus licensed therapists based on your goals and preferences. It's easy and it's convenient. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist you're matched with isn't the right fit, you can switch it any time for no extra cost. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Visit BetterHealth.com/deloney and get 10% off. That's BetterHealth, H-E-L-P.com/deloney. All right, so Kelly and I were talking off air and we got to bring this conversation in front of everybody. So, all right, so I think I would, again, I know how to cut the roll of chips of hoi and put them in little balls and it makes cookies, but I don't know how to make cookies, but I think that's just what I would do if I had a coworker and feeling good. I would want people to feel better. And when we were talking off air and I'm totally admitting I don't have a valid reason for this. If somebody's head surgery or they're sick or something, I have no problem making a meal for someone. I do that. I don't have a problem with that. That's the cookies. But for some reason, bringing in like, I made this for you. But the way you said that, you can like move your shoulders. You're like, I made this for you. I'll sit down here, you know, singing. Happy birthday, Mr. President. But I don't know. There's something weird. I remember we have an Eric that works here years ago when he and I used to sit next to each other, and he was single and a woman that worked here made him cookies. And he was like, she's so nice that I was like, she likes you. He was like, no, she was just being nice. And I was like, no woman spins her Sunday night or whatever making cookies for some guy that she just thinks is nice. They're married with four kids now. So I was right on that. Okay, so I can say I was wrong on the cookie thing. Because like, I'm following your logic. It would be like, it's not weird to send a meal. It's not weird to send over ice cream. It would be weird if I sent flowers. Yeah. And when you sent ice cream, you sent ice cream to me and my family because we were going through some hard things. And you sent ice cream for everyone. I didn't let them have any. Of course. I knew that. Yeah. That's not true. I feel like we're on pulp fiction talking about the foot rub conversation. It is. I can do a back rub. You can't do a foot rub. Yeah. Yeah. It's one of those. And there's no reason why the lines are where they are. Yeah. They just are. But I feel like I need to know this. Am I sending something over so that I get the extra wink on Monday? Am I sending something over because it's the right thing to do. And I, somebody's hurting and I want them to hurt a little bit less. Or am I, do I like the attention I'm going to get after I do that thing? That might be attention. I'm not getting other places. Right. There's, you got to figure out the, um, the reasonings behind it because I'm not going to lie. If I was going someplace and I thought I could get a discount, probably ask to. I'm trying to think of my wife do that. I would think that was hilarious, especially if we're going to find that funny. But you know, I remember also being in my 20s, being single and, you know, you'd wear something that was going to get you attention at the bar. So you didn't have to buy drinks. Right. Right. So it's just all what's the motive behind it. And then I do, this isn't popular, but you do have to take into account when you're married. Like your partner's comfort level and them saying, Hey, this makes me uncomfortable. And because I love you and I love us, I'm going to choose your comfort over my whatever. Would you do that same behavior if your spouse was sitting there? Yeah. I think that's a good way to think about it. If your spouse was there, would you still act the same? Because if you wouldn't, then that's probably an issue. That's, that's, I like that. I like that. I will say the other night at the strike concert, I would have not have danced like that with my wife there. Not because of anything suggestive, but just because she had been super annoyed because I don't know how to dance very well. I say, you weren't bad. I'm pretty bad. I'm pretty bad. You weren't bad. You were a little, a little, a lot. That's, and I did have to hold your shirt him down at one point and she was taking itself off because that band was so good. They were so good. It was taking itself off. I don't even know what to say. It was incredible. But, but like, I know her and like, when I'm a lot, that makes her feel like everybody's looking at us and that's her worst nightmare. So I'm not a lot because I like spending time with her and I want her to feel comfortable, right? And so yeah, what a mess. That's a messy situation. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Jeremy. What's up, Jeremy? Hey, Dr. Lonean, longtime listener. Let's have some nachos. Let's do it. Brother, come on down. Let's get some nachos, man. What's up? Hey, my question is, how do I build my confidence and financial stability after being a victim of domestic violence and financial abuse? Yo, what happened? Yeah. Yeah. Here's what nachos come in. No, if I'm back story in mid 2023, I was on a dating app, probably Ritfleck number one, but I met a woman there who at the surface, everything seemed fine. But it seemed like she was hiding something. She told me that she was living between living situations in her car and a hotel. Eventually, found out a little bit more that she had boyline personality disorder diagnosed as well as bipolar disorder and two open court cases where she had stabbed her mom and ex-husband. By the time I found out that out, all of our stuff has been in my house. And yeah. And so for months, like she would spiral, sometimes she'll sit them, she would throw things, she would scream, hitting herself and hitting me. It was intense and prior to my, I'm in the military and prior to being a military, I wasn't the best living situation myself. So I kind of, you know, let her in and help her. But during that time, I got bad and I went to my command and let them know. I mean, really, they seemed like they thought it was me. And my supervisors back me up and knew my character. So that helped. But then I felt like I was on my own step after that. So when I came down to it, I felt like, hey, I've let this person in my house. I'm the one that let my boundaries down and let them move in. So I need to figure this out. Whenever they were attacked me, sort of kind of ignored it, but then when they started attacking my friends, I had some friends day over and they got attacked. That's when I'd spring an action called the cops. For about nine months or so, the cops didn't really do anything. And so I had to take manage in my own hands, pay for an apartment while my house was also paying for a mortgage. During that time too, when I was living with her, she would take my credit cards and spend $2,000, $3,000 at a time. And I felt like I had the font just to kind of appease her. Eventually, she got arrested and charged for a second offense again with some of my friends and then getting attacked. And I finally say now I got two restraining orders against her. I was able to get some therapy with the competition fund and get that to understand how my past was and how I let that happen. But right now, I'm struggling with aftermath, totaling about $220,000 in debt. The twin credit cards, mortgage careers, and installment loans. And 220 grand. Yeah, man. This is all her. Yeah, many of it. Some of it is that include your mortgage. That includes, yeah, well, no, that does not include my mortgage, but mortgage careers. So 32,000 in mortgage careers, 75,000 credit cards, 75,000 dollars in credit cards. She ran up. Yeah, I was partly that her, partly me having a lien on my credit cards when I had to protect myself and live in an apartment and also pay for my mortgage. So you're telling me that when you call the police and said this woman is violent, this is my home. I want her out of here. They just said, sorry. Yeah, they tried to make contact. They didn't make contact because they didn't make contact. that they've been so aren't. I was told, I think to hold the [BLANK_AUDIO] every time I called. Um, and then I was told that they were under man, uh, never police. So, yeah. God, dude, I would be tempted to file a lawsuit against them for the, for the cost of damages. I thought about it. I thought about it. Yeah. Because you, I mean, you were clear. And if you could, if you could go through your phone records and say, I called y'all this many times, I called the direct detective 27 times to stop this behavior and they never did. Yeah. That's a big portion of that that apartment, uh, being able to protect myself, um, being able to move everything out. Um, I, that would be my first instinct. That's to sit down and attorney and see if you even have a case there, um, um, yeah, this just something like a miserable, awful situation because it's easy for me to be like, dude, why didn't you just cut off your credit card? Why did you just kick her out? Yeah, but I guess the boundaries were, and I, I felt that way too. And you know, during the situation, uh, it was so intense that I was like, I just found, I just was like, okay, I'm going to, um, I'm going to do this so that we don't, uh, pee or whatever, uh, uh, uh, uh. And so part of the, part of the challenge you have in front of you is twofold. Number one, it's learning. This will never happen again. Yeah. Because I value my dignity and worth. So if I meet somebody and they move in and that day I found out they've violently tried to stab two different people. I will, they will move out that day. Yeah. I will personally have my friends over. We'll move their stuff into the, into the street. Yeah. Right. And here's the other thing you've got to wrestle with. This whole thing can make you real, real hard. Yeah. And that hardness will not serve you well with connected deep intimate relationships. Yeah. And so it's going to be a continual balance. Why am I telling you this? Because it's just going to be uncomfortable for a season. Yeah. And so it's, it's, it's, man. Yeah, it's, it's going to be, it's going to be tough. It's going to be a, uh, it's, it's kind of like waking up and I've sat with folks who found them, so like I just kind of opened my eyes and I'd gained 125 pounds. Well, it happened over a period of time and happened through some dark seasons and through some unintentional seasons and some really stressful seasons. And so I'm going to have to be, it's not all going to come off in a day. I'm going to have to take a whole bunch of really intentional direct steps through hard seasons, through stressful seasons, through joyful seasons to regain the health and fitness that I wanted. Right. And so you're going to have to find yourself there. And that starts with you keeping your promises to yourself. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to write a letter to you and on the date that she moved in. And I want you to write a letter to that guy and let him know you forgive him. You'll love him. And you have gone through the steps to, um, never let this happen again because you remember how scared he was and you remember how bewildered he was and you remember how alone he felt when the police didn't like when he kept calling and calling and calling and calling his friends were getting assaulted. He was getting assaulted with somebody who has like attempted murder wraps already, right? So yeah, it's, it's calling that guy and letting him know things weren't okay. Then I've done and I'm continuing to do the work now. So this never happens again. Yeah. And I'm not going to let the work be I just build a humongous thick brick wall. So nobody ever gets into my spirit and soul again. It's I'm going to be in charge. I'm going to be a good gatekeeper. Yeah. But then I'm going to seek relational softness on the other side. I'm not going to let this make me call us at heart. Yeah. And yeah, brother, I call an attorney and see if you can document everything you told me. Yeah. Here's all the phone calls. Here's the reports. Here's the assault charges. Here's all the times I try to call the detective and you're outgoing phone records will have every one of those things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought about that and I, I reached out to the resources like they have a big amount to see the different resource that are well for people that are victim to messed up islands. A lot of them. They don't talk to men sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. They don't want to talk to veteran men either. Yeah. A lot of my forms all had the you know, the pronoun she. Yep. When they gave it to me because it's deep all right. But she had already had some type of coordination with them previously. She always felt wrong at times from previous cases. So they said that because they handled some stuff with her before they couldn't talk to me or. Sure. Or something like that. So those are the free race forces. I can reach out to other attorneys and I haven't done that yet. But I have a lot of everything documented. Go. Yeah. I mean, I think it's worth exploring. And if let's let's play this out worst case scenario. You have $220,000. You got to muscle up and pay off. Yeah. That's the worst. And we'll sit in that for 24 hours. And then we got to get a game plan. We got to get after it. And so we're not going to lose our house first. So we're going to take care of the arrears first. And we're going to call each one of the credit card companies. And we're going to send a copy of her arrest record to them and say that I want to settle these and I want to close them. Yeah. And see if they'll settle with you. They may not, but they may. And as part of her arrest, did you mention the financial crimes? She stole your credit card and would run it up. I didn't mention it. I'm not the detective. I'm assuming it was recording everything. But I'm not sure if it's in the police work, but I think it'll copy of the full police record. Okay. You may call a social worker in your local area because every state has different laws when it comes to this stuff and support. But you may call a social worker in your area and see if there's any sort of support they can walk with you through the system because you may have to navigate a maze of resources here. Yeah. And I'd probably put a freeze on my credit so that in case you have your credit card number, in case you're a social security number, whatever, she can't go open new cards with your name on it. Man, I hate this for you. But here's the path. We're going to make sure we've got four walls. We're going to make sure we got a place to live. We got transportation to get to and from work. We're going to take care of food and utilities and we're going to make sure we got closed to where. Like, we're going to make sure those four things and then the credit card companies will get their money after that. But I'm not going to lose my house. Unless selling your house clears this whole thing for you. Not from what I saw. Like the house values kind of went down though. They're building a school next to my house that might help bring the value up later. But if you have enough equity in your house to sell it and move into a one bedroom apartment for two years and clear every one of these debts, I would probably do that. Yeah. And of course, you would never want to find yourself here. What lesson did you learn? Give me two lessons you learned. Foundries. I learned that, you know, especially through therapy, like the living situation I had prior to military. I didn't have any running water. No, like car approaches. It was that, right? But I learned that living in that situation made me feel like the people that I love. I don't, I can go without. Right. And then I now I can draw a line and say, Hey, need to put yourself first. Everything is first. But money and your savings put everything, everything is first. And so now I've I've learned significantly that just even if I was in that situation, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be putting myself first. Just strong the lines making sure that I'm, you know, putting putting my mask on before I put someone else's mask on. There you go. There's a strange, there's a strange morality to being in service to yourself first so that you can go serve everybody else. Yeah. Right. And it sounds counterintuitive. And in fact, it almost sounds counter to anything we've ever been taught is if you're in service to yourself, it's because of your selfish because you're, you get testicle or whatever word you want to put on there. I am no good to my wife and to my kids and to my coworkers. If I'm not first taking care of me so they can anchor into me. Right. Yeah. And so that sounds backwards. But I got to make sure I'm all right so that I can spend the rest of my life giving myself away to other people. And so yeah, good on you brother. But there's got, there's, and until you make peace with that guy that let her move in, no one, she shouldn't be moving in here. Yeah. I want you to write him a letter. And if you're a real gangster, if, like, if you got some guys in your life that have been through this with you, read it to them. Yeah. Read it out loud in front of them. Share it with them. Yeah, even if they roll their eyes at you and they're like, ooh, just say hi to share it. I need to share this with some guys, some goofball podcast or told me to share grief. And so get it out there and let that kid off the hook and then be about keeping your promises to yourself. And then you got it 220,000 or hold it to yourself out of, not going to be pretty and it's not going to be quick, but we're going to slowly take some steps there. Yeah. And in the meantime, we're not going to lose ourselves, we're not going to become hard and calloused and angry and enraged at the rest of the world because one person hurt us real, real bad. Right. Thank you. It's been an honor to talk to you. Thank you for your service, my brother. Thank you for being a man who looks in the mirror first and then goes and gets the help that he needs. And I hate that the community resources that you pay taxes into didn't come up and support you. When somebody was hurting you, hurting your friends, hurting you financially and making your home an unsafe place to be, I hate that for you. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it for you. Thanks for calling, brother. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloni for Hallow. What could you accomplish in 90 days in three months? Could you get in shape? Could you lose weight? Could you change your marriage? Could you just, I don't know, reroof the house? Could you play games with your kids and change your relationship with them? You can do so much in 90 days. And that's why I want you to try Hallow for 90 days for free. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world and it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every single day. Anchoring myself in my faith allows me to slow down and prioritize what matters before the world explodes every single day. Hallow will give you 90 days for free to do the same, to build a habit of reflection and prayer. Hallow is simple and it's guided and it meets you where you are to help you anchor your faith practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, most importantly, peace. Ask yourself, who do you want to be 90 days from now? And what do you want to have done in 90 days? If you want more peace or if you want to be more grounded in your faith, I want you to give Hallow a try. Try Hallow for free for 90 days at Hallow.com/Deloni. Alright Kelly, what you want to talk about? So I have a question about the together app. One of the things that we hear from husbands is they want to show up in their marriage but they have no idea how. So how can the app help with that? It takes the guesswork away. It gives them from a big bank of activities that they can do one a day to a day towards their spouse. And the beauty of it is it provides scripts for your spouse to respond back to you. I really like this, thank you for that. And you can note that in the app and it will circulate that one more often than not. And if your spouse doesn't like one or if it goes terribly right, like dance for two minutes in the living room and your spouse is like, you're a terrible dancer, don't touch me. Then hopefully you may have bigger issues in your marriage if that's the case, app can't help with that. But you could say didn't go well and it won't serve that one up to you anymore. So it just is a action oriented, here you go. And also it gives you scripts for the weekly rundown, like the weekly check-in. What's our calendar? Let's put some intimacy on the calendar, let's put some budget stuff on the calendar. And it also has the playbooks for communication, the playbooks for conflict, all that stuff is in there. So yeah, if you're a husband and you're like, dude, I need something because what I'm doing is not working. Check out the together app, download it in the app store. It will give you a roadmap back to your spouse. Thanks for being with us today, Kelly, as always, as the great Kelly once said, don't make cookies for that guy. I don't know why, just, just don't.