Caller: “Tell My Church About My Secret Girlfriend?”

(upbeat music) - Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to Churchill Mortgage.com. - I'm an assistant pastor, but the problem is I haven't been living the life of spiritual integrity. I've been secretly hiding a relationship with my girlfriend for several years. Do I confess everything and kind of accept the consequences that come with it? - I don't think you want this job. - Not really. (upbeat music) - What's going on? What's going on? This is John, the Dr. John Deloond's show. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for sitting with us. Talking about your relationships, your marriages, your kids, your mental and emotional health. Whatever you got going on in your life, pull up a seat, and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. It's real people with real challenges. If you wanna be on, click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on the show. Hey, if you have an Apple device, go to the Apple store and or the App Store, whatever, I don't know what the kids call it these days, but get the together app. It's the best app on the planet for helping you transform your marriage into something that's good, into something that's incredible. Or if it's kinda falling off, slow, daily challenges that will bring you and your spouse back together. Go check it out. And Android folks, we're coming for you. We're coming for you. It's got the Salt Lake City Utah and talk to Austin. Hey Austin, what's up brother? - Hey Dr. John, thanks for taking my call. I appreciate it. - You got it man, what's up? - So I'm an assistant pastor and my senior pastor is looking to step down soon. And they've unanimously decided him and all the church that I'm on the best fit for the job. And the problem is I haven't been living the life of spiritual integrity. And I've been secretly hiding a relationship with my girlfriend or we've been living together unmarried for several years. And so I'm getting to that point where he's wanting to finally hand it over to me, but I don't feel like I'm worthy of that spiritual leadership role. So my question to you is, is do I confess everything and kind of accept the consequences that come with it, even if it costs my ministry? And deeply hurts the people that I love. And after living so many years without that integrity in my life, how do I become a man of integrity and character again? How long has been weighing on you, brother? - Probably like four or five years. - Yeah. So you have a value set. You probably teach a value set, which compounds the angst, right? And this value set is, you don't sleep with somebody till you're married to 'em. You don't move in with somebody unless you're married to 'em. Whatever your value set is and for years now, you've been living, teaching, espousing to be one thing in front of folks and being different off to the side, right? - Yeah. - Okay. So I have an even deeper question to ask you. And push back on me, okay? - Okay. No, I, not really. I feel like that's, it's my calling in life. I feel like, you know, since I was a teenager, that's what I wanted to do, but, you know, I had a picture and how everything would go and this is not kind of what I picture, you know what I mean? - Yeah, but I had several things that I wanted to do. I mean, I just, I, is a whole other call and it might be fun to grab a few drinks and get you and some of some other pastors across the country to take apart this, this, it's madness to me, but this idea of calling, instead of being able to say, and I do believe in calling and all that, but man, I think it is so, so, so rare. And I think what we do is we have an idea, something we like, something we want to do. And we're either nervous to say that that's what we want or we're uncomfortable, we feel like we need extra justification for being excited about something. And if you label it as something that, like the God of the cosmos is forcing you to do. Right, you either surrender to that or you fight it every step of the way. And like you mentioned, you're at a point now where you're not just gonna hurt yourself, you're gonna take everybody else down with you, all these folks that have been looking up to you and following your messages and making hard choices in their lives for all these years, they're gonna go with you. Right, but I think some of that, I think all of it starts with you having the courage to say, I don't even want this job. When I was a teenager, I did, I wanted the, I liked the idea of this job, which by the way, do you know what I thought my calling was when I was 18? To be a heavy metal singer, right? Like, and now I'm a lame podcaster, right? So it's like, it for sure didn't work out. And so like being able to let go of this thing I thought I wanted to do. So let me ask you this, do you think inherently what you're doing, the way you live when the lights are off? Do you think you're wrong? Do you think you're a bad guy? - I, I think I feel like it, you know. I don't know if I think that I am a total bad guy, but I feel like it. - Then what is it about the allure of this relationship for years now that has been more important than you being able to look yourself in the mirror and be a person of integrity? Forget the church part of it for now. I don't know, I, I, I'd love her. And I think we, we mesh so well. And so I think we need her. - Well, that's the issue. This is kind of this, you know, this expectations I put on my self where I felt like she, well, I guess I should give a little backstory. She doesn't actually attend the church. And I've been kind of waiting to see, you know, at first she had interest in coming to the church and I thought this was going to be, oh, yeah, she's going to start coming and then we're going to get married. And then she just never really started coming to church. And so that's kind of more or less why I haven't married her yet is that's the only reason I want to. - Yeah, but that's a huge reason, dude. - Yeah. Like you're talking, like I, if you listen on my show, you hear me say all the time, dude, couples believe different things all the time. And couples find joy in different things and fun and adventure in different things and different thing, like long term married couples get upset about different things and not upset about different things. That's part of it. But it's very hard to make a relationship work that's not anchored, anchored, rooted in the same value set. The challenge with you is, you have lived up to the reason she doesn't go to church. You know what I'm saying? And my fear for you is, so yes, to cut to the chase, you gotta come clean and be honest. It's going to cost you everything. And it's probably going to cost your relationship, too. But the alternative is to literally die from the inside out. - Yeah. - Conflict deferred is conflict amplified. However big the explosion will be today, it's going to be bigger next year. It's going to be even bigger the year after that. - Yeah, you're right. I just don't know how to go about doing that. You know what I. - I think it's a matter of reestablishing identity. 'Cause right now your identity is in the job title. Your identity is in a woman that you say you love. And I believe you that you love her. But I think you especially love her comfort. And you especially love her laughter and her sexual and emotional intimacy. I think you love things about her or you're not honest with yourself and saying, "Dude, I don't buy this whole church thing, either." - Yeah. - You know what I mean? And I'll tell you, the last thing. I would tell you this if you were one of my atheist friends, the last thing on earth, a community of believers needs is yet another. Disappear. honest pastor in the last thing the world outside of a church community needs is to go see told you so you know what I mean yeah that's that's been my primary you know um what's killing me the most is I never thought I would be in this position you know I I seen it all the time and you know I thought that would never be me but you know here I am it's it's I think reimagining your identity not as I'm a pastor I'm an associate pastor and that comes with perks you know it and I know it right and now I'm going to be the senior pastor I'm going to be the boss I'm going to be the spiritual director of all these people and the administrative guy and that's going to come with a salary and create it all that stuff your new identity has to be I'm a man who tells the truth and everything that you do in your life will stem from that I'm a man who actually believes what I preach and that means I got a hard road road ahead of me making things right absolutely yeah I think I knew that it's just I needed to hear it you know I haven't really told this to anybody and I also think and again I don't want to pile on deception okay but I don't think that everybody needs to know every sort of detail of every situation in everyone's life right and so if you are having like yes you are living a life outside of your church that is hypocritical of the way you teach other people to live right that's like me having this show and when I go home I yell and scream and punch holes in my sheet rock and I you know I'm abusive right that would that would be insane right and I think beneath that you have to be honest about do I even believe in this thing at all because that's an even bigger conversation yeah I mean I definitely do I mean I just haven't been able to live up to it you know let's change that and say I've chosen to not live up to it because I think you can right I think you can but if I were you and again every church is different every denomination is different every all that stuff is different different different right I don't know that you need to explain to everybody in some great confessional as much as you can say hey I'm not interested in this job and in fact I'm not interested in being a pastor anymore I'm going to resign and if there's some some people that you trust that are mentors to you that are wisdom speakers to you and you want to sit down and it just close the whole thing that's fine good yeah should I disclose that to my pastors I mean they're kind of my mentors that's up to you brother but I but I think the problem is you're going to conflate three or four different things at once number one I don't want this job I wanted so badly to want this job I worked so hard for this job and also I'm I am living out of step in an egregious way with what I teach every week and I'm struggling with my own belief systems and and this relationship I've got there's parts of it that are awesome but we are not anchored to the same center stone right because reverse it if she was to call me if your girlfriend was to call me I would tell her to run from you simply because you're not a man that tells the truth yeah you know what I mean and if I want to be exactly there you go now let's get like real brass tax what does this mean for you financially what does this mean for you relationally well financially I have I have a full-time job it's not I'm not reliant on the money I get there and you know I would have a place to stay if if you know my relationship were to you know but I don't know how it would be with me and my girlfriend I know that my pastors would be very heartbroken and even if I weren't to explain to them you know every detail but they would still even if I just resigned and then you know they'd be very heartbroken about it and that's why I'm wrong I they have a right to know I don't know y'all can decide whether you want to make some big public announcement to your congregation but no you're the folks who've been walking alongside you and mentoring you and teaching you they have a right to know I think that's fair yeah but I think the right thing is I mean not to be in that position you and I are talking at the beginning of this week not to be in this position by the end of the by the time church rolls around on Sunday yeah and then whether you have to put something on your mirror in your bathroom whether you've got to get a tattooed on your wrist or you've got to put on your screensaver on your phone like everywhere you can you're gonna practice but man you're not just gonna practice lightly you're gonna practice hard identity statement number one I'm a man who tells the truth to yourself to your employers to this girl you've been with for a long time I can do that yeah and if she will only be with you if she talks you out of a key value in your life I'm gonna tell you right now man there'll be a day of reckoning for that relationship yeah I hate that you found yourself here man but I'm also I'm grateful that you call to brave call to make man yeah it's tough yeah tough but I'm gonna be a man who tells the truth thank you there you go brother that's what I'm gonna do today's day one I'm a man who tells the truth no matter what it costs and I have to know that doing the right thing is always the right thing thanks to the call my man best of luck to you brother we come back a man asks how to rebuild his self worth after a major weight loss instead of relying on others validation we'll be right back this show is sponsored by better health I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time you show up to work you pay the bills you smile at the right times but then no one sees you snap at your spouse then I'll see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day listen just because your functioning doesn't mean you're okay talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting 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It's got to Mizzula, Montana, and talk to James. Hey, James, what's up, man? Hey, how's it going to be? I'm good, brother, how are you? I'm doing alright. It's awesome. Yeah, the essence of my question is, how do I stop seeing myself through the eyes of the 400 pound man that I used to be without losing the drive that got me here? Wow, so tell me about what's happened? Yeah, so brief notes I went through, divorced with children back in 2022 or '23, and 10 days later, went in for bariatric surgery. And it was a year of a lot of work to get up to the point of getting approved to have that. At that point, I think I was close to 385 pounds. And since then, I've completely changed my life, I did it for my kids, and I am currently at a 180. But every time I, yeah. 180 pounds, man. And it's hard to not, you get very used to being that big, walking into every room, and the room notices you. So what have you, tell me what you're experiencing now that you wish was different? I can't let myself have a victory. I'm always moving the gold post before I ever get there. So I mean, there was a day where I was like, man, if I ever get under 300 pounds, I'll be happier than 250. And under 280, and I think 160's the next button. I look in the mirror, and I see loose skin, and I see all the negatives despite the hard work I do on the gym. I'm enlifting probably four to six times a week. So I've completely changed my physique, but I just can't see it the way other people can. - Well, it's the old, I mean, it's the old, I mean, it's a trope, but it's super true, that you lost 200 pounds, which is extraordinary, and you went with you. - All right, all those insecurities, and all that frustration, and all of that amount of enough, and all of that, like, 'cause at some point, eating, right, eating, it served a role in your life. It was a numbing agent, and now the gym is a numbing agent. It's a healthier one for sure, but it's still a numbing agent, right? - Yeah. - If you, and you've probably heard me say this a lot on the show, it's from the great Salda Stefano of the Mind Pump gang, but like, if you go to the gym, six days a week, the world will celebrate you, but if you go thinking, I'm a piece of crap, and I have to do this, this is what I get. Man, that's a ghost that you will chase forever. So what is it that you don't like about yourself? - I guess I'm still, there's a part of me that's angry at who I was for putting me through that. - When did you start? - I mean, there. - When did the weight gain start excessively? Like, when did it start accelerating on you? - Yeah, I've always been heavier, but I would say, probably from like 2019 to 2022, was where I really went off the deep end. - What was going on in your life there? Sounds like your marriage was in a tough place. - Yeah, a tougher place than I had realized at the time. - Tell me about it. - It was kind of an emotionally void marriage. I was the only one that was very invested in anything. And I mean, I look back to who I was back at that point. And I wouldn't want to be married to me either. Like who wants, you know. - So y'all together, y'all built a pretty crappy house. - Yeah. - Okay. - Very much the roommates and drum. - Yeah, totally. I mean, we could go spelunking and go through all the way back to when you were a kid, but the reality is other people's stories about us over time become our stories about us. And however these stories landed in the middle of your heart and mind, they're here. And the challenge as an adult is either the two paths were normally given in society as to blame, spend rest of our life blaming. And after the initial blame, I'm beginning to believe that continued blame on the past is just an act of cowardice. Like it's unhelpful moving forward. - For sure. - It gives you permission to just sit and make increasingly unhealthy or unhelpful or hurtful decisions and to say, but yeah, they did this whoever they is and whatever they did at some previous iteration, right? Or were taught to ignore all stories, all voices all the time, screw your feelings, forget it all, just power through. Both of those will kill you. And so the emotional maturity is, I'm responsible for the stories they begin now. And for you at some point, you have to be honest and say, I needed to not just lose the weight for my kids, but I needed to lose the weight for me. Because I'm worth being a guy that feels good in his own skin. I'm worth being a guy who laughs a lot, who has a good time. I'm gonna write 2019, me a letter. I'm gonna write 2022, me a letter. And I'm gonna tell that guy I'm pretty pissed off, but I'm also gonna tell him how hard I work and who I've become since then. I'm gonna let that guy off the hook. I'm gonna move on with my life. Yeah. You what I'm saying? I do, yeah, that makes sense. And something I hear from a lot of folks who've always been the heavy person in a room since they were little is there is an innate anger. There's a, there's a, it becomes rage. 'Cause they've been looked at, like, you feel. Yeah, but it, but anger's a good thing, but man, if it takes over, dude, it will take everything from you. Or as they say in AA, it's like waking up every day and drinking poison, hoping that other people die. But you've got to say, you know what? Actually, I lost weight for me. And yes, my kids deserve a dad who likes himself. My kids deserve a dad who can play with them, can roll around on the floor. That they have a model of what hard work looks like. Like a cool thing you've done is your kids, you've taken away some pretty extraordinary excuses for your kids. 'Cause one day they're gonna be faced with interpersonal challenges and they're gonna be able to say, well, actually my dad lost 200 pounds. Like I think, I think, I think, vivid image in my mind of what hard work costs and what hard work, the fruit hard work yields. Right, you've given them. Yeah, it is, it's crazy. Like my kids are very young. I've got that six and a three year old. And they see pictures of me holding them before and don't believe me when I tell them that to me. Yeah, that's awesome. But the thing I wanna give them now, other than a skinny dad, is I want them to give them a dad who's got peace inside his rib cage. So part of the fear for me is, I worry that if I let off the gas, I've seen, I follow a lot of support groups as you do for this kind of stuff. And you see it every day that people will just, they let off the gas and go right back to where they started. Yeah, that's a pretty, that's a, well there's, I mean, there's multiple tracks there. Number one, yeah, that's true. But there's a difference between intensity and intentionality. And there's also a dramatic difference in why I'm doing something. Because if you're intense trying to run away from those voices that tell you, you're still a piece of crap, you're a loser. Of course your wife left you. Of course she didn't wanna be around you because if that's your narrative all day, every day 24/7, 365, that's not a healthy intensity. That's not a healthy put your foot on the gas. [BLANK_AUDIO] putting your foot on the gas to try to get away from something. And that's gonna lead you to a car wreck. But slamming the gas down to get somewhere that you can't wait to get to, man, that's awesome. Then you don't have to go quite so fast. You can go pretty fast. You do what I'm saying? - Yeah, absolutely. It's a completely different perspective than I've ever viewed it through. - But if you wake up every day and smile and you're like, "Dude, I get an hour." 'Cause I'm a bad ass. I get an hour to devote to me so that for the other 23 hours in this day, everyone who loves me and that I've committed to, whether it's my workplace, my kids, my ex-wife of being a good co-parent of my new girlfriend, whatever, I get an hour to fill my pitch or completely to the top so that everybody else in my life can anchor to me. Game on, baby. Dude, you'll do that the rest of your life 'cause it's got a purpose. You're in service to yourself so that you can be in service to everybody else. But if you wake up every day and you're like, ugh, and you just feel your loose skin, and you're like, "I'm disgusting." I went from one type of disgusting to another disgusting so I better get my disgusting ass out of bed and go to the gym and like, dude, I'm telling you man, that will run out. - Yeah, it's not sustainable. - No, self-hatred is a terrible jet fuel. It burns real hot, real fast, but it goes quick. The only way I've seen this thing transition over time is at some point moving from being around people who are scarcity-minded. - If you stop, it's all cut, right? Like if you hang out with folks who are in recovery, the first 60 days, 90 days, even up to a year, it's real scarcity-minded, the whole conversation. If you drink, you die over and over and over. If you're a ramp, people who drink, you die. Like, right, it's pretty nihilistic. But once you get past that and you begin to get your feet underneath you and you begin to deal with why I was drinking in the first place, all those things, then you begin to transition into, look at this crazy, wild, fun life I can live. What do you do for fun, dude? - Not a ton right now. I mean, when hunting season comes around, I spend a lot of time in the mountains. - Yeah, you. - That's awesome. And this will be the first year you can get up and down the mountains, right? - Oh, yeah, I can go anywhere that I want to go now. - That's amazing. - Do you have guys that you do that with? - I do, yeah, I've got a pretty good group of friends. - That's awesome. So what I want you to begin to do is to say, okay, what kind of wild, fun adventures do I want to have in my life on a daily basis, on a weekly basis on a yearly basis? I want to begin to inject fun into my life. Because, dude, let's be honest, life is miserable. It's hard. I mean, just read the news. It's the worst. Go to the gas station right now. It's madness. Go try to buy cheese. I mean, it's just life sucks, right? - Right. - And so it's my responsibility to create margin and to inject life and laughter and warmth, enjoy and relationships into that margin wherever I can. Not what you do is you create margin and then you inject self-loathing, more judgment, more judgment, more self-reflection that's negative. Are you, you get what I'm saying? - Yeah, it's gonna be a rewiring of the way I think, which not the first time I've had to do it. But can we not approach it as a rewire? Because when I think of a rewire, I think if somebody's throwing up in the hood of a car and you got a cigarette dangling out of your mouth and you're in a bad mood and it's hot and you're like, I got a rewire. Or you're in Montana, so it's freezing cold and you're hoping there's a heater in the garage. Instead of thinking of it as a rewire, you get another project to fix me. I don't think you're broken, brother. I think the project is like a, man, for a lot of better terms, it's a healing. There's a gentleness to it. There's a compassion to it. There's a gratitude to it. Waking up every day and writing in a little notebook by your bed. Here's five awesome things I get to do today. And it might be walking, it might be breathing, it might be, I get breakfast, I got a job, I got food in my fridge. It might be a date you're going on, it might be the day before you go out on a big elk hunt in Montana, but begin to rewire your def-- I just said it. Begin to heal your default setting. And right now your default setting is you're a piece of crap. And if every day I practice gratitude, if every day I've surround myself with other people in my life that bring me joy every day, I am taking care of myself, not because I'm a fat piece of crap, but because, dude, I'm pretty great. And I've done some hard things in my life. And I've screwed up the things like we all have. There's some things I'd go to differently, of course. But the only thing I can change is what happens right now and what happens tomorrow. So I'm gonna be about that. There's a lightness to it. - Yeah, it has a different feel to it. - Yeah, and the actions that going to the gym, that may all be the exact same. It's the intentionality with which I'm doing those things. And then here's where you'll get yourself, okay? And like I've never lost 200 pounds, dude, I'm in awe of you. However pathologically you got there, I'm in awe of you. What you have done is a staggering achievement, okay? Thank you. - It's extraordinary. And I've worked out since I was 11, right? Since six great football, right? And so I've got a lifelong history with disordered eating. I've got a lifelong history with this constant voice, you piece of crap, getting the gym, getting the gym, get the gym. And I'll tell you where I am now. Now I work out as much if not more than I ever have. And also this morning, I cut my workout a little bit short so I could have breakfast with my daughter. - Great. - And we laughed. 'Cause now I'm not just building. I'm not running from demons, but now I'm trying to build an awesome life. You hear what I'm saying? - Yeah, I mean, it's like living it through, that's why I do it. - There you go, what's up? - What's up those moments? - Yeah, what's the point? And let's take some action. If you want to be like, you know what? I'm gonna start a fund. I'm gonna start a sinking fund. And it might just be, I got 10 extra bucks, or I might have 100 extra bucks. But over the next two or three years, I'm gonna save up the money and get skin surgery. I'm gonna do that. I have a close friend who went through that. And man, it transformed her life. - Yeah, that's, I actually was fortunate enough that insurance helped me. I did get the stomach skin removal surgery done. - Awesome. - Two years ago. - Did you like what happened? Like the results? - Oh yeah, absolutely, it's awesome. I mean, completely life changing. - It's awesome. So here's the deal, the path is I'm gonna practice curiosity, compassion. I'm gonna practice changing the narrative in my head. And that means five things I, when I wake up, five things before I go to bed. Then I'm grateful for, then I'm happy for, then I'm joyful about. And I'm gonna have a thing on the calendar once a week where I go to dinner or go grab coffee with one body, two buddies, five buddies. I'm gonna have a big out hunting trip on the calendar every year. I'm gonna have white tail hunting on the calendar. I'm gonna do the things that I love to do. And then I'm gonna start bringing my kids along with me 'cause they're gonna get to experience, not just the thing. They're gonna get to experience their dad. He's got a lot of joy. And I'm just speaking statistically. So I'm not trying to put anything into the universe, but statistically speaking. Often folks who get morbidly obese, which if you're up to 400 pounds, that's there. Statistically speaking, there's often a high likelihood that there was some sort of abuse, there was some sort of adverse childhood experiences. And if that's the case in your situation, only you can finally go sit down with a trauma therapist and begin to dig into it. Let's set that stuff down too. That's additional weight that we're going to set down to stop carrying every moment of our life. And often those historical issues, man, they become the baggage that make it really hard to change our internal narratives. You're worth that work, man. So congratulations, brother and proud of you. Proud of you. Now you've done the physical challenge, the physical change, physical transformation. And now we're gonna go with the emotional and spiritual transformation. You're a guy worth feeling good. You're a guy worth laughing. your guy worth making the next right, great to see you. decision for you, for your kids, and for the family of yours that's to come. Blessings, good man. Congratulations. When we come back, a man asks how to end long-term friendships that no longer align with his values. We'll be right back. When it comes to supplements, there's one main company that I trust, Thorn. 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To Thorn.com/theletter-u/deloney and get 25% off your order when you create an account. That's THORn.com/theletter-u/deloney. Hey listen, when was the last time you and your spouse got away? Just the two of you, no kids, no phones, no work, no distractions, got away, and remembered that y'all are still friends. Y'all begin imagining what it would be like to rebuild an extraordinary marriage. Whether yours is like on the edge of coming apart, or whether it's pretty great, and you guys want to control out, delete it, and build something extraordinary. Listen, me and my friend Rachel Cruz have created the greatest marriage getaway on the planet. It's called Money and Marriage Getaway. It's three days in Nashville filled with practical teachings, tons of live Q&A. We interact with everybody, we're in and out all the time, honest conversations. As you can imagine from this show, I don't mince words. We talk about everything, money, sex, kids, communication, how to fight and come back together. We talk about all of it. This year specifically, we're giving people a brand new toolkit to walk out of there and begin working right away on building the marriage that you guys want, the best marriage possible. To join me in Rachel Cruz, October 22nd through 24th, every year, this sells out every time. So get your tickets as soon as you can. Prices will go up September 10th. So get them ASAP. Get your tickets today at Randy's Solutions dot com slash events or click the link in the show notes and see if there's any tickets left. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Mark. Hey, Mark, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing today? I'm good. My man. What's up? So long time listener and so much advice that I've gained from these shows, especially with my marriage, but I've never really felt like I've heard a question like this asked. So my question is, how do I navigate losing friendships as I get older, kind of with people who I guess don't match my values? And I'm talking about male friends because I feel like I don't hear a lot of questions about kind of men and their male friendships, you know, it's a lot of marriage stuff. Yeah, how old are you? So I am 31. Okay. So tell me about some friendships that you're button up against the value systems and things are just different than they used to be. Yeah. So it's kind of, you know, weird feeling like, you know, use the term value. And a lot of it is some kind of like simple stuff like, you know, I just not really valuing the respect that, you know, two friends I have, kind of that they value like their respect. I'm kind of stuttering all over the place, but talking behind each other's backs or, you know, kind of things like that or silent treatment. And I got married last year and, you know, I chose to take one of those friends and not put them in my wedding. And I've done them for 10 plus years, but, you know, like their life doesn't really like me and they don't invite me over. They don't kind of reciprocate the generosity that my wife and I give them. And it's like, I make those decisions, but now I'm regretting it. You're regretting generosity or you're regretting not putting them in your wedding. I'm regretting not really having them so much in my life anymore. And I feel like maybe, like, maybe I'm being, like, I guess silly about it, is that makes sense? Kind of like these aren't major, you know, choices. It's not like they do drugs or, you know, they've done major things to harm me. It's just like, I feel like I wonder if I'm being petty because it's like, I think about, you know, not being invited to places or, you know, talking behind my back. It's like, I'm a guy, like, I should probably get over that, right? No, no. Male friendships are sacred, brother. They're sacred. They are wired into us. We're tribal creatures. And knowing there's a guy on my right and a guy on my left that's ready to take on the world. So let's wire it into us. And so losing those things is painful. It hurts. And this false macho culture we've created is so stupid that we're not allowed to say out loud. I'm lonely. I miss my old gang, all right? Yeah, and I have so many great male friends around me that, you know, I love, and, you know, these two friendships in particular, it's just, and they're separate friendships. But, you know, it just kind of hurts because, you know, like, I got one friend who's been multiple times of, he's, you know, made up things about me. And it's kind of just like petty and it's like, but he doesn't think it's a problem. And like, he'll ask me to hang out and like, I'll still casually talk to him. It's like, I'll get the text and I'm like, man, I really don't want to associate with this person anymore. But then they'll text me and I'm like, gosh, I got to get over it like how like, how silly am I? And it's like, I've kind of started grappling with that over the last six months. And the only thing silly, I'm hearing is that you feel peer pressured to not own what you think is important. I'm not hanging out with people who regularly talk crap about me behind my back. No way. Life's too short, man. I know too many great men, they'll make fun of me behind my back, which I think is hilarious and they should because I do stupid stuff and I have weird proclivities. But like, if you're going to, like, if you're going to be dishonoring, if you're going to lie about me, if you're going to make integrity statements about me, do that, yeah, I'm moving all of my life. The only thing I think silly here is that you believe that and you feel that, yet you feel some sort of weird pressure to keep something going that you have no interest in keeping going. Yeah. And that's what I think I'm, I battle with because I'm like, I'm kind of like content with setting these boundaries and I really like kind of hearing you over the last, I've been a listener of the last six months is what I found you and you say protecting your piece and I love that, especially my marriage and my wife and I will listen to the show and kind of protect it because there's peace, I think in a really good way. But when it comes to like these two male friendships, I like for some reason, I'm like, oh, protect your piece and then like, I'm like, like you said, I'm kind of like, I feel peer pressured against myself and I don't really know why. I know, but your main, your main pain point here is that you're not keeping your promises to yourself. That's where you're really upset with here. Yeah, you I'm saying it like and by the way, protecting your piece like solving for peace, that often takes a lot of discomfort to get there. So like, let me give you an example. I've got buddies that they're not people I want around my kids. Let me put it that way, okay. And part of being at peace, solving for pieces, preserving 20, 30, 40 year friendships and doing it in a way that honors who I am now, the responsibilities that I have in my life, which are to my wife and to my kids and to my career, right? I can't hang out with some of them because I don't want to go to jail, right? And also, there's an honoring to it. They've been in my life for getting on half a century. That's crazy, right? And so like finding peace is not always every step of the way, isn't always peaceful. And sometimes. And solving for pieces, I get a text once a year. That's cool, man, it's funny. Remember the old times, we don't really hang out. We had different lives, different worlds, and there's a bummer effect to that, you know what I mean? And I think the thing, I'll tell you, like my youngest, I had a magical childhood when it came to friendships. I had a magical college experience when it came to friendships, and I'm gonna be honest with you, I've had a magical adulthood when it comes to friendships. I just have. I've gotten super fortunate and some things, like just got dropped on a street, got dropped in a dorm, and also guys like Trevor and Todd and Mitch and Craig, those guys taught me how to, in Christian, they taught me how to be friends. It was a skill set, right? And so like, I've become better at being a friend and cultivating friendships over time. And so all that to say, I think the thing I lament the most is things like time keeps marching on. It's almost less about the person that's not my life anymore and more about the carefree life that we had at one point. You get what I'm saying? - I do, and that's what I think, as you described that like one text a year, you kinda laugh and you respond. And then I know like, I guess that's why I felt, like compelled to write in was because, I feel like that's the joke about guys, right? And they're friends, like we could not see each other for eight months, we see each other at the bar, we can talk, we can shoot the crap, like we've known each other for years and talk every day. And that's kinda like a guy thing. And so I think that kinda rattles around my brain and like, look at these two particular friendships. And it's like, I get hurt when I'm not involved in things in their lives anymore, but I set those boundaries, but I'm not like you said earlier, I'm not, it's like, I feel like I'm not accepting what I've said, and I'm struggling with that in many ways. - It's not a matter of accepting what you've said, 'cause there's two parts to it. I have to accept what I've said. And I've got to go be about finding new friends to hang out with. - Yeah. - And that's the bummer part, right? Because you wouldn't be in that situation if your friends were people of integrity. - You're right. - Not by your hand, but in your lap. So it's not just, I'm making a hard call, and I'm just gonna have to accept it. I gotta sit here with my, all my thumbs and just make myself be happy. That's not how that works. There's a second part to it, which is, man, I gotta begin to create a new life where me and my wife have new friends. And it's, by the way, you're in a season right now that's super common. It's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, but it's super common when just people start to grow up and grow apart. They marry somebody and their wife doesn't like you. That's a bummer, right? (laughing) You know what I mean? 'Cause I remember, I remember in high school and in college and beyond. Like my buddy's girlfriends, the long-term girlfriends, they were every bit as much in our gang as anybody else. - Of course. And so I remember, like, dude, why can't you just, why can't you marry somebody like you used to date, right? I've had that conversation a bunch, right? But like, I would never say that. I had that conversation with myself. But like, that's part of it. And it was a shock to me that my wife wouldn't just love all the guys I was hanging out with. - Yeah, that's true. - And she would be like, no, they're not safe, right? And that she was right. And also, some of them, she loved like brothers and still does, right? And so part of that is just a bummer that somebody's gonna have a kid and somebody's gonna get divorced, somebody's gonna get transferred across the country or take a new job. Somebody is gonna find out y'all are all gonna have kids and then one of them's gonna be a Cubscout dad. And then one of them's gonna be a little league dad. And then the other one's gonna be like, let's play video games together, dad. And you're gonna realize, oh, we do this differently. Then we thought we had everything lined up and we have way different values, you know what I mean? - Now it's just, it's a super, I think like you said, it's getting to that age and it's just like, you know, one of my friends doesn't still feel like he acts like he doesn't high school and it's like, I think we're all more mature and he's talking about this and talking smack about this and then another friend too. Like I said, his wife really cares for me and you know, it's not been included in their lives and it's just like, it's just like I said earlier, I hate to repeat it, it's just like this internal struggle. - It's like, I'm a guy, get over it. - It's grief, it's grief, just be sad, be sad. - Yeah, thank you, Dr. Don. - Like, grieve what it was and then be about, here's what I'm gonna go to next. I gotta get another gang of right-and-eye friends. And what's wild is you're gonna meet people at 30 and then you're gonna get into your late 40s like I am and you're gonna realize, oh dude, I got 20-year friends. No way, you know what I mean? And it will happen and it would be cool if you have your 40-year-old friends from elementary school, that'd be awesome. Super, super rare. I can't, I consider myself one of the luckiest men alive 'cause I've been an amazing wife and I've got two healthy kids and I've got friendships that span my entire, like I consider myself a lucky, lucky guy. And that's not everybody's experience. But yes, guys are not supposed to, are not immune to missing friends. That's a nonsense and silly. You're supposed to be sad if you don't have men in your life that you used to rely on and that you can no longer rely on. That's supposed to hurt, it's supposed to be painful. And you gotta be about the business of, all right? I gotta go find some new men in my life. And that, my brother, is an awkward experience. That's for another call. Thank you, my brother. We'll be right back. Nobody wants to talk about dying, I get it. It's not a good topic to talk about. And it's why so many of us avoid talking about life insurance. None of us want to imagine a world where we're not here anymore. But here's what you need to remember. Life insurance is not really for you. It's protection for the people you love and who love and count on you. And I recommend term life insurance from Xander Insurance. I've been using Xander Insurance for most of my adult life long before I had a podcast. Why? Because I trust them. When a family loses someone they depend on, the last thing they need is financial stress on top of deep grief. Worrying about how you're going to keep the lights on, how they're going to pay the mortgage, how they're going to keep the kids in school. All of this should be handled ahead of time. 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It was by far the most there was only a couple of songs you could have included and you tried. I tried. You did? Yes, they got vetoed by they got vetoed. But they made it to the finals. We did. I think it's safe to say came in second. I wouldn't even say that. We didn't win. No. The boy band crushed. They really did. And I don't want to admit that because I'm not a boy band person. They were incredible. But they really were. And the disco band. Incredible. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That girl that the so for those that don't know battle of the bands is Ramsey, all Ramsey team members. There's a thousand team members here. Yeah. And everybody comes to Nashville to try to make it the music industry and then they need health insurance and a paycheck. Right. It's a job in media. It's a company job. Yeah. And you have no idea that like the person sitting next to you was a touring guitar player. You know, for years or something like that. It's pretty insane. They're everywhere here. It's wild. Yeah. And you just, I mean, there was a band that played slipknot and our company attorney was the trauma. That was so great. I looked up and I was like, what is happening right now? So. Well, the woman, I'll say this, the woman Reagan, the disco singer. I think I've heard her say seven words in my life. Yeah. She was the one that there's always somebody that like is new. She's quiet. And that nobody knows what they do and then they come out and everyone just freaks out. And she was amazing with it. She was, she's saying for less than one minute in my wife texted me, they won just because of her sheer, she's a dynamic powerhouse. Oh, in her sheer stage performance and I mean, plus it's disco. It's fun. Yes. You know, you're out there dancing to dancing queen. But on my bingo card of losing to a disco band and a boy band, I wasn't hydrogen that up. But we, I'll say this. I feel as good about that rock and roll performance as I ever have. It was by far, and this is my 14th battle of the band. And so my my I've been through every one of them with you and with this iteration of band that you're in I've been through every single one of them By far the best Yeah, that was fun. And I Rekosi and I danced our reruns off and Had the most fun and I'm gonna put a couple pictures Because they posted some pictures. So I'm gonna include them. Okay on this if you're watching on YouTube You'll see those it was so much fun. I think it was the most fun. I've had with y'all Yeah, that was a blast playing old guns and roses in Metallica and old 80s metal hits. Oh, when you started on Inter Sandman. Yeah And and I'll say this this is the first year. I was like, hey, what if What if I got To guitarist that actually knew how to play that not that weren't me the other guitarist I played with everybody is how to play I was incredible, but the two guys that joined our band this year are extraordinary and It just made like oh no way. That's okay. Yes, and we need to point out been porpin who you know is our Typically works where where Joe is right now Been had to have surgery. Yeah, like almost them are basically emergency surgery Well, yeah, about a year ago been started having back problems and it was a bulging disc and then it's turned it into like two hernated Disks it was a big deal and what I keep walking through the lobby was like someone shot him. Yeah, it was pretty bad He was in a huge amount of pain and they they scheduled surgery for the day Prior to battle of the band, which I thought he would have shown up Appropriately for that era of music for 80s metal music high as a kite High as a kite and would have been perfect, but he said the doctor recommended against it So whatever good news is he's already feeling better. Yeah, he said he walked out He walked out and he said the pain was gone So we're yeah, he'll be back in a couple weeks and we're very thrilled for that But it was very sad that he had to miss so I was texting with him during battle the bands because they got a link Yeah, so he was able to watch it live So he and I were texting as well He said should I feel concerned that this is the best they've ever been because he wasn't there Yeah, but we all know that Ben just would have added to it. Yes, but it was so much fun No, I appreciate it. It was fun sitting on the front row although one thing one complaint As always you have a complaint what is it well because John from stage called me the oldest person in the room I said I'd like to dedicate this song to Kelly That's Kelly Daniel the oldest person in the room. The oldest one in the audience I didn't think people heard it I'm gonna watch it back on YouTube. I was pretty clear. Yeah, that's pretty clear. Yeah, love you guys. Bye