Caller: “My Wife Is a Spoiled Brat”

I got married about three months ago, and it's kind of come with some unexpected challenges kind of around her upbringing. She was raised kind of spoiled. She'll either shut down or get real upset with me, and one time it was just about some shoes, and then she's like, how long are we gonna have to live like this? You're in a pickle, and it's because your wife's a brat. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you pulled up a seat, hanging out with us. We're gonna talk to real people who are going through real struggles, talking about your mental and emotional health, marriages, kids, navigating conflict, communication, all of it. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes, and we will work to get you on. wherever you are in the world, we've got folks from all over the planet who call in and we will change your name. We will change your location. And what's important here is that we have a real honest conversation about how you can make some choices about what to do next. And if you have an Apple device, I want you to go to the app store, pause this show, go to the app store and get the together app. I'm biased of course, but I think it's the best marriage app on the planet. It's super cheap. It's less than six bucks and you can bring your spouse for free or you can do the whole thing by yourself. Cause I know that some spouses don't have any interest in something like this, especially initially, but we do see that spouses join after a while when they start to see how their life is changing for the better too. But it is micro habits for your marriage, things you can do that will bring you and your spouse closer to together, bring you back together and help you build something moving forward. So go check it out. It's called together by the Apple app store. And I'll see you in the next episode. Dr. John Deloney, which sounds weird. Like I'm speaking in the third person, like the rock, but go pick it up. All right. Let's go out to Washington DC and talk to Jeremy. What's up, Jeremy? Dr. John, how are you doing? I'm good, my man. How are you? Oh, I'm nervous. I've been nervous for this all week, but I'm excited to talk to you. Well, man, I'm glad you called dude. Thanks for calling, man. Thanks for pushing through the nerves. What's up? Well, of course. So, um, me and my wife got married about three months ago. Um, and it's kind of come with some unexpected challenges, um, specifically kind of around her upbringing. Um, the example is we, we have some money fights occasionally. We're both on kind of the same page with money, but she was raised kind of spoiled. Um, she kind of got everything she wanted, which is okay. But then we, uh, but then as I'm coming, like I'm a teacher, um, we're living by ourselves. I'm obviously not rolling in cash, so we're talking about, I'm like, yeah, we can't buy this, whatever the conversation may be. And it just blows up. So either shut down or get real upset with me. And one time it was just about some shoes. And then she's like, how long are we going to have to live like this? Like, um, so that type of conversation. So I'm trying to know how to navigate that. Um, understanding like where she came from, um, of not understanding like kind of how to manage money as well, or not understanding the severity of it while also like, controlling what I can control, you know, knowing I can't control her. So I'm in an awkward position because I have a rule and that's to never talk bad about my buddy's wife or girlfriend and also you called. So can we just, can you and I be on the same team and I'd be pretty straightforward with you? Pretty honest. Is that cool? Of course. Yeah. Okay. Um, you're in a pickle and it's because your wife's a brat and it's easy. It's easy to like upbringing, super important. It lays the foundation for what we understand is reality. Right. And we all as adults have to choose what comes next. And so the phrase I like to use a lot is upbringing is a context. It's not an excuse. Right. And at the end of the day, y'all are going to have to wrestle with, does she want shoes or does she want you? Mm-hmm. Or you're going to have to ask yourself, do I want this calling? Which by the way, the world is in desperate need of more male teachers. So I shout you out. I applaud you. I'll tell you as a taxpayer, just a regular old citizen, we are failing you. And, um, it's become one of my life's missions to reimagine how we, like I, to me, it makes sense. And I can make an economic case. I can make an economic case. I can make an economic case for it, but that's a different call that teachers should be paid 150 grand. And so that when my son thinks what's a job I want to do that I could really provide for my family and have a good life that he thinks teacher. And I think that would have a downstream effect, but the reality is you make 40 grand, like you don't. So it is what it is. Yeah. Um, so for you to have chosen this calling right now, and I, and I hate the word calling a lot of times, but it is what it is, um, for you to choose a life of service, you're going to have to choose. Do I want to do something that's not going to be a good thing? Do I want to do this life of service, or do I want to cater to the whims of my wife? Yeah. And that's just going to be a messy subject if, and this is where it's important. If y'all stay at the surface level here, right? If the fights are about dinners, shoes, purses, um, what car we drive, then it's always going to be proxy wars to an avoidance of the ultimate question is who are we going to be? What kind of world do we want to create? Right. And what kind of life do we want to create? And man, you're in a, you're in a tough one. I, I would have hoped that you've given, I've been toying around with the idea of creating a, like the greatest, um, premarital counseling on the planet. And you've just given me credence that I need to pursue that because this is a conversation I wish I've had multiple times before you got married, but here you are, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, we, the funny thing is we did talk about it before and I was like, I kind of want to wait to get married. We can save up some money. Um, and I chose to, I was, I was on board with like financial struggling, um, a little bit, but she was like, yeah, that's great with me. Like I understand we're going to be in a pickle. And then I'm like, kind of here getting surprised with a little more context. Um, she also recently got kind of an official diagnosis of autism, like high functioning. But one of the big things was that she can't, I forgot what the word is, but she can't find the words in conflict in the moment. So I would imagine that contributes to not obviously not an excuse, but that contributes to also finding like a resolution to our conflict. Like I really don't know how to manage that. I've never been around that that much. So that diagnosis is super helpful. It provides a context, but again, it's not something you can't live a life of avoidance. And so what it means is for you and your wife, um, then, and by the way, I'll take back the word brat. If there's a neurological, like neurodivergent reason, then I'm, I'm a jerk. And so I take that back. Um, but there's, here's what this means. That means that when something comes up and you realize, Oh, we're on the precipice of a disagreement that she's going to, she doesn't have the neurological capacity or the skillset or a combination of the two. Then what we're going to do is we're going to have a hand sign. We're going to have a something and we're going to pause this so that, and we'll circle back to it at a regularly scheduled time when the emotions are much less, right? So she goes to buy shoes and you're like, we can't, we don't have any money. We have to pay the light bill. And then boom, then conversations paused. And then we're going to circle back and say, all right, let's do this budget together. Let's see what we both value and let's work through that that way. Is she working? No. So she's going to pharmacy school right now. Okay. So she's full time in that. And so some of this is a matter of not now, but later. Right. Is that fair? Right. I've yeah. Yeah, for sure. I've been, I've been saying that in trying to come back to conversations, but kind of gets to the point where it stresses her out, where she doesn't want to talk about it. Um, and so like, I feel stuck of like, okay, she doesn't want to talk about it now. Doesn't want to talk about it later or can't talk about it. I don't know if it's can't or just, I don't know. I don't really know how that works. For you to parse, parse through that is, is especially in the heat of the moment. Isn't a good, it's not a good use of your time. It's not a good use of her time. What she has to have is a sober mind and say, um, I'm lacking a set of skills here that I, that are critical. They're not, it's not like it would be worth it. They are foundational to doing a life with somebody else and having a good whole wonderful life. And so I've got to go do the work. I've got to go get some adult ABA courses. I've got to go do some additional work on my own. I've got to go sit with a, with a knowledgeable therapist and practice some of these things so that I can self-regulate and self-soothe in the moment because I committed to doing life with somebody forever. Right. It's, it's this, it's, it's, it's different, but it's the same as I was an anxious train wreck, dude. And I burned my wife almost to the ground. And the job was not to sit there and white knuckle my way through it, but it was, I got to go meet with some folks and some specialists, and I got to get to the bottom of why does my body react like this so that I can plug in with this incredible woman that I'm doing my life with. And absent that, if she says, I'm not doing the work, I can't do the work, I refuse to do the work, then you've got some hard choices to make moving forward. And that might look like you just know the storm is coming. This is the woman I chose. This is the relationship I chose. I just know I'm going to mostly be budgeting on my own. I will take care of the finances, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. It's going to have a net negative to your overall unity moving forward. But if that's the landscape y'all have and that's the world you want to accept, then so be it. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out what I can do in this as well because in the budgeting that I do, I like doing it, but then it's every day I'm getting asked, can I get this, can I get that? Yeah, but that puts you in the position of being her dad and not her husband. Yeah, and that's kind of how I'm feeling. Yeah, well, she's putting you in that position. Will she sit down with you and look at finances together? She will. She will sometimes. But she doesn't say much about it or like to contribute to it. She just looks at it. She says, okay, and then. So let me flip it. Are you a guy who shows up with a fully filled out spreadsheet that kind of runs over her? I would not say so. Okay. I would say I'd pull up with the every dollar regular, every dollar regular. So you'll have a budgeting app y'all use? Yeah, I use it, yeah. Does she use it with you? Yeah. She has. Yeah. Okay. So is there a way when she says, hey, can I buy this? Can I buy this? Can you simply say, look in the app? Yeah. I think, I mean, I would, yeah. It was weird at first because I was personal training before this. So my paycheck was different all the time. But now that I'm kind of consistent, I think that could be a definitely good option for. That makes sense. I think instead of just springing that on her, say, when you ask me, when I buy something, it makes me feel like I'm your dad and I want to be your husband. And so once a week, once a month, we sit together and say, here's how much money we're going to make. And as a teacher, you know what you're going to make for the next 40 years. And so like, here's what we know. And this is what it is, what it is. And so when you ask me that question, it puts me in a position of being the good guy or bad guy on something we decided together. And so I'm asking you a way you can love me is don't put me in that position. You can pull the app up and look. Yeah. And some of that's just you asking her as a way she can love you. What you want is for her to begin practicing being an adult. Yeah. Because what. What am I able to do in conflict when. In conflict like that or anything when she's not capable of. Like handling that. I know in the moment you said kind of do it later, but even later it kind of ends up bad. Are there like tools that you know that can help me control what I can control and act how I can act? Yeah. So that it goes smoother? The two things I've seen be very successful and also be completely not successful. So it tends to barbell. Okay. Okay. Because the crappiest part is, like you said, you can only control you. That's the scariest part of being in a marriage with somebody. All I can do is show. Show up as the best version of myself. And I want that to be enough to get what I want and to be able to give my wife what she wants. And sometimes it's not, and it's frustrating. The number one thing is it's the proactive when you and her are together to say, hey, how can I love you when you get stressed? How can I love you when we're having a hard conversation? And let her coach you. And if she says, I don't know, I don't. Say, I'm going to come back next week. And I'm going to ask you that same question again. Because what I don't want to do is to just walk away from fights. I want to love you really well. And so a roadmap would be really helpful for me. And avoidance. Because y'all aren't avoiding uncomfortable. Y'all are avoiding uncomfortable feelings, but really y'all are avoiding math. Right? I would say that's the example. It kind of trickles into any kind of. There you go. The second one is if she asks you, that would be awesome. It doesn't sound like she would, but you can say, and a way you could love me is that we go, you go with me to see my counselor, you go see somebody and begin to learn self-regulation. Self-regulation, honestly, is the 1,000% key to 95% of issues. Mm-hmm. In a marriage. Can I self-soothe, which is a nerd way of saying, can I do what I need to do in the moment so that I don't bail or I don't go to war when things get difficult? And most of us, our inclination is, and it's neurological, our inclination is to do what worked as a kid. And I say all the time, the things that kept us safe as a kid, the things that got us what we wanted as kids, will destroy our adult relationships. Mm-hmm. Right? So growing up, her throwing a fit, her having an outburst, her whatever may have worked, may have got her what she wanted. Yeah. Or she may have had parents who got this diagnosis and decided to white glove the whole world instead of, hey, this is your diagnosis, so we're going to have extra hard work to do. Mm-hmm. Right? But at some point, you run into reality. All I have to say is, yeah, you got your work cut out for you. Compassion, curiosity, and trying your best to stay out of proxy wars. I want to buy shoes. Well, I want to pay the light bill. I want to drive this car. Well, we don't have any money for gas. We only, you know what I mean? I want to go get a new Lexus. Well, I don't want to borrow money. Like, staying out of those proxy wars and getting down to the bottom of, who are we going to be? And if she has the courage to tell you, I don't think I can be happy on $40,000 a year for the rest of our life, you can say, all right, I'll change my job. Or it's not the rest of your life. It's 18 more months until you graduate pharmacy school. And we can go from there. But, man, yeah, you got your work cut out for you. And, by the way, you're not crazy. You're three months in. This is pretty normal. And it's part of navigating bringing two individual people, together, over time, and into this thing called marriage. It's a worthy endeavor, brother. And y'all are both worth navigating this and figuring it out. Hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with a year of the Together app as my wedding gift for you guys. And best of luck to you. Call anytime. And if she wants to call, I'd love to talk to her, too. We come back. A man asks how to find his identity and purpose after leaving a 10-year career in law enforcement. We'll be right back. I know some of you out there are hurting, and I mean really hurting. Your marriage is falling apart in real time, and you and your spouse both know it. You're watching a son or a daughter disappear into addiction, and you feel completely powerless. Some of you are carrying trauma so deep and heavy it's affecting every area of your life, and you've tried everything you can do, and you can't seem to shake it. When things feel this desperate, a weekly therapy session might not be enough. That's why I want to tell you about the Vine & Root program from Capstone Wellness. 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Click the link in the description or go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney to get 20% off an annual plan. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to the 806 in Amarillo, Texas and talk to James. Hey, James, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, brother. How are you? Good. So my question is, is I'm trying to figure out how to find a purpose and identity after leaving a 10-year career. Law enforcement. Oh, man, that's an etched identity. Yeah. So why'd you transition out? Tell me about leaving. Well, we had moved cities and whenever we initially decided to move, we only had one kid. She was one year going on one at the time. And about two weeks, three weeks before we decided to move, we found out that we were pregnant with our second. And we had already made plans and everything else. So we decided to stick with the original plan. And we got there and it was we didn't have family or anything there at all. I was already kind of frustrated with the culture at the department that we had moved to. And whenever we get there and we have our second kid, now we had two under two postpartum hit pretty hard. And I started feeling like I was checked out. I felt like and still kind of feel like I'm not performing as well as I could at home. And so I could see how she was struggling. So I told her that at the end of the day, like my really only true commitment that I've ever made was to her. And we decided to make the move back so she could have support with the family. Everything. And, and yeah, so that's, that's where we're at. So have y'all moved back? Are y'all in the process of moving back? We moved back. You moved back. Okay. Is there an opportunity to reconnect with that department there? Or is that door closed? Closed. It's closed? Okay. So tell me about your identity struggles. In a way, I feel like I've always kind of gone through it. Like trying to figure out who I am and trying to figure out, I guess, the bigger picture, my purpose in life. Growing up in the church, a lot of my mentors, like church mentors had always said that I had a very transactional relationship whenever it came to my relationship with God. Like it's like I almost had to earn his love. And so I feel like whenever I started doing law enforcement, there's a lot of purpose behind that job. There's a lot of people that need you right here and now and, and honestly, life or death type situations. And so I think it was just easy to allow myself to kind of manufacture that into my identity because of the severity that the job entailed in an, of itself. What is it about you that you don't like, man? Because you sound like a pretty amazing guy to me. I, like, I don't know. It's, it's like, there's a lot that I don't like, but at the same time, I can't explain. Yeah. But when I asked that question, you had three or four things pop to mind. What are they? What do you not like about you? Well, like whenever, like one of the deciding factors for leaving was. Hold on. Don't circle around. Stay with me. I know it's uncomfortable. I know. Yeah. Because this has been haunting you for a long, long time. That's, that's a really good question. I don't, I haven't really thought about it. I don't like how, I don't like, you can't just be present and enjoy life. I feel like there's always something more. I don't like how there's constantly this, like, and I know it's a manufactured on my own standard that I can't ever meet. I'd be willing to guarantee you, guarantee is a strong word, but I'm 99.9% sure you didn't manufacture that. I'm 99.9% sure somewhere along the way, you got a very clear message that you were loved when you got grades, when you ran fast, when you caught the ball, when you sat quietly in church and performed well. And I'm 99.9% sure that nobody ever gave a damn how you felt about anything, asked you what you wanted to do. They told you, here's the path towards loving me. Or here's the path. Towards me showing affection to you. And then you get married and then the world's the wild west and it's you versus the world. It's you and your wife versus the world. And that little nine-year-old kid inside of you still wondering, do you like me now? Do you like me now? That's a ghost you'll chase forever. But I don't, I don't want you to own the blame of manufacturing that. You're going to have to own the responsibility. You're going to have to own the responsibility of healing from that. Am I wrong? No. Okay. Let me say this as directly as I can. As the father of two kids. Any parent that dangles a carrot out in front of their child and says, catch this thing and then I'll hug you. Then I'll love you. Then I'll appreciate you. I mean, it's close to torture. It's cruel to a child. And so I want you to hear me say, brother, that shouldn't happen. And I'm sorry. Thanks. I mean, like, I can't think of any particular situation growing up where there was this. But listen to me, you're already going back. I know you're already going back to protect them. Don't. They don't need your protection. They're good. And they don't need. They don't need you blaming them for everything for the rest of your life either. That's not helpful. Right. Yeah. So here's the question before you. Who are you interested in providing value for? And I'm not talking about economic value. I'm talking about who are you interested in helping their day be better? Yeah. Well, like, while I was at the before I was at the police department, I was working at a boy's ranch here locally. Yeah. I bet I know. I bet I know the one. Yeah. And as like the relief staff, but essentially it was kind of like being a house parent and I was living with them. Yeah. And so I really enjoyed. Doing that starting in like, I'm also a hunting guide. So I take people in Alaska, Wyoming and Texas, Montana, all over. And next. Next month, I'm a part of a organization where they take foster kids out hunting and fishing and camping and stuff. And so I'm looking forward to doing that. Incredible. And so. Awesome. And by the way, next time you. You and I talk lead with that, dude, you're going to take me out somewhere. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, I will. Okay. So you have a heart for something. You have a heart for a group of people. Right. Yeah. So what haunts you about pursuing that? Because that seems right up your alley. It seems noble. There's a couple of boys ranches that I've been connected to over the years, right in your region. What? What keeps you from pursuing that with vigor? I mean, it's, it sounds bad, but there's the, the financial aspect of, why does that sound bad? Why does that sound bad? I don't want my life to be based around a dollar sign, but there's also the. There's a math problem, bro. Yes, yes, that's what I'm saying. You're a police officer. There's also the math behind it. You're a police officer and a relief house parent. I don't see anybody chasing dollars, right? Yeah. But there is a math problem there. No question about it. And so the intellectual exercise like this, just the cognitive work here is, is there a way I can begin to lean towards the things I love to do? The people I want to serve and love and help and at the same time build something pretty extraordinary. And extraordinary in value doesn't have to be extraordinary in I'm rich, right? How much money does your family. How much money does your family need to like pay the bills every month? Like, I mean, we do the budget and everything and we're on like baby step 3B. And so like we don't have debt or anything. Awesome. So you're saving up for a down payment for a house. Yes, but then with the move and then taking a job that pays less where what was allotted for the house fund is going towards other things now. And so it's just great. So take it, take your arm and swipe the deck and you and your wife sit down and say, okay, cool, we made this decision and it was a values decision to be around family and support and friends and that values decision had a dollar amount to it. It was this much money. It cost us this to do this. And it was the right thing. It's going to give my wife some relief, some space to heal, some community, some support. Great. And so now we're going to do it. We're going to reset our goals. We want to have a house by this date. We're not going to have it by then. Cool. We're going to have a, we're going to rent great. We're not going to wake up every day upset that we're renting. We're going to wake up every day. Grateful that we have a roof. And then there's a dollar amount that we got to go earn. And if it's on you, it might be, I'm going to take a job and work for three years for at a pay cut than what I was making. And that means also I'm going to work on Saturdays. I'm going to work in the evening and now we have extra family support and I'm going to put this investment in from age 31 to 33 so that at 43 we can do whatever the crap we want. Yeah, I'm going to grind, right? And if it gives you any light at the end of the tunnel, I did not start my graduate work in counseling until I was 35. Yeah. I was way, way behind the eight ball, right? And now I have a whole different life, man. Or it might be that you go work and make a little bit less money, but you also work with one of those local children's homes to help you get a master's degree in counseling and then you become the therapist for the region. And now you're making a great living and you're doing exactly what you love to do. It's just to help kids stuck in the system. Mm-hmm. Right? Yep. And that will take, that will, that will require a sacrifice that will require, we're not going to buy a house until we're 38. Now, not how we drew it up, but it, it's how it is. Great. Cool. Ready to go. Yeah. And all of this hinges on you getting to the bottom of, I like this guy, I love this man, I'm a good man, I don't always feel how I want to feel, but I'm a good man, I don't always know what to do next, but I'm a good man, and I'm worth feeling good, I'm worth loving well, I'm worth being married to, I'm worth being a dad, but hear me say I'm proud of you, brother, and I look forward to going out on a hunt out there. I'm proud of you, brother, and I look forward to going out on a hunt out there in West Texas with you one day. We'll set that up. Thanks for the call, my brother. When we come back, a woman asks how she and her husband can team up to solve disagreements and compromise. We'll be right back. 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And Joy & Blokes hears from a lot of couples that when one spouse starts to feel better, the other spouse wants to experience improved health for themselves. I've used Joy & Blokes myself, and the way they walk you through your results is simply outstanding. And right now, labs are 65% off. And everything is HSA and FSA eligible. Go to joyandblokes.com/deloney to get started. That's J-O-I-N-B-L-O-K-E-S dot com slash deloney. Or click the link in the description. All right, Raleigh, North Carolina. Raleigh, Raleigh. Raleigh, North Carolina. Let's talk to Sarah. Hey, Sarah, what's up? Hey, how are you? Good. What's going on with you? Yeah. I want to try to get your advice on how to communicate with my husband better. I know that's a broad question, but this is something that we've struggled with our whole marriage. And then I kind of have like a, I guess, an example. It's been an ongoing, I don't know if you want to call it argument or a disagreement that we've had for a little over a year. And I just want to kind of get your advice on some tips and tricks on how to solve some conflict. Awesome. So let's start with, let's actually start with a conflict because we can reverse engineer into communication. I'll tell you my, my, my experience is the vast majority of the time when someone says, hey, me and my spouse need to work on our communication. What they're really saying is I need you to tell me how I can tell them to do what I want them to do. That's usually what that means. That's exactly what I don't want to do. I don't want to be that person that is like, I just want you to do what I want to do. Like, I would tell you that. Like, I would truly want to learn to compromise where like, we're, I mean, of course, compromise isn't fully like you're fully happy with the outcome, but like we've, we've got to come to a middle ground somehow. Right. Compromise is important. Negotiations is a better word, but it's important in a marriage, but it only works if y'all are doing it to get to a place. Yeah. Right. So like if I want pizza and my wife wants sushi. I'm, I'm going to quote unquote compromise. So technically if, if I'm keeping score, I just lost, we're going to eat where she wants to eat. Yeah. But what I'm compromising towards is a really fun night with my wife and her seeing her smile and light up and laugh and us. Right. So I'm winning every step of the way. And so is she. So we're compromising towards the thing we actually want. It gets sideways when it's, when we try to keep score and I won and you lost. We ate where you ate, we ate where you wanted to last time. So we get to do what I, then it just becomes middle school. Right. That's why I like starting with a conflict first, because I've done exercises where I sit with couples through the communication part. And then we get to the actual issue and somebody's way out of bounds. Right. Yeah. It's like, how do we negotiate communication? And it's like this and this. And then it's like, all right, he wants to sleep with the neighbor and I don't want him to. And I'm like, whoa, whoa. Let's we're not compromising. Let's we're not compromising that. Right. So tell me what the conflict is and let's go, let's work backwards. Okay. It seems really silly, especially when I say it out loud. But don't judge it. Don't judge it yet. Yep. Okay. About a year and a half ago, we had our first son, our first kid ever. And so after we had our son, we also have two very large dogs. They live in the house. They were my, my little babies. For the longest time, I was obsessed with my dogs. Gosh, you were one of them, huh? I was one of them. I wasn't. And then I became one of them. And then now I'm not again. So once we had our son, my in-laws were very gracious. They kept our dogs for a little bit until we got home and got settled. I was so excited to bring the dogs back. Well, we went to visit them and I just instantly became like super overwhelmed by them. We gradually brought them back home and I just, it was just extremely overwhelming to me. Like they were just. they became a lot bigger to me I guess in my head and like I guess the responsibility of them on top of taking care of a baby I had a c-section like it was just a lot I'm like okay my husband's gonna go back to work I have to walk the dogs because like we don't they walk on a leash and so it just all felt like super super overwhelming can I pause you real quick can I pause you real quick yes okay um and I'm intentionally interrupting the track here but here's the big question when somebody says the word overwhelm not always but often the thing that feels like it's overwhelming is actually the thing that's exposing the real issue okay okay so like for instance there's a the in in the nerd world there's something called a u-shaped curve to marital happiness when you had kids and so it starts out pretty high and then when you have kids that the old story is the your your marital happiness goes down and it makes a u-shape right it drops really low and then as the kids get older and then leave you get this happiness in your marriage back what researchers have found is it's not the kids per se it's that the kids expose the existing issues in the relationship that were just untalked about in the first place right so is it the dogs and it could be but my question for you is is the dogs plus the kid plus the c-section is that are the dogs that the tipping point or are the dogs exposing I've been running this whole house by myself I need help yeah I want help and I have a partner who won't help yeah okay it's probably definitely that and it's probably also I can recognize I'm a control freak so there you go you have a picture of your house with no hair on the dog's hair on the floor and no yes and no bits of dog food like right yeah and like I have taken on the responsibility of you know whenever I became overwhelmed with the dogs I told my husband I was like okay I'm turning over you ordering the dog food you have to make the grooming appointments because I took all that on myself you know and then like you said it became overwhelming aka I'm doing it all on my own so like it may not be like the dogs themselves but it was like everything on top of all the other responsibility that I now have so how much of that responsibility is real and here's what I mean by that um I'll take an example I've used on the show before my wife felt an innate deep responsibility that every dish be put away before she could eat she closed her eyes at night I felt the need to do dishes when I was find myself eating cereal out of a salad bowl I was like I'm out of dishes man I should probably wash them all right I was gross I was an idiot but also my wife created a story and lived that story to um at the expense of peace laughter warmth whatever and so when I ask you what's real do you have to sweep the floor every single night do the dogs have to be groomed or is that just nice like can you run to walmart and grab a bag of food or do you have to order the what like so how much of that story is real and how much of that story now that you have a new kid a new marriage a new life new priorities that old story doesn't apply to the new world I live in now right like or did you or because I talked to couples on this show and privately like their husbands are like this house is a wreck you need to clean up that dog hair well now we got a problem right yeah but often what I hear is like you make all the grooming appointments he didn't see a grooming need yeah you know what I mean yeah so which world is it because because I don't want to I don't want to like I don't want to put the world on you because it makes me feel like I'm not going to be able to may be that man he is a complete jerk man and it may be that you have some out out unrealistic expectations for your life yeah it's i think it's maybe it's both and yeah maybe it's like i i think like yeah like some of it i mean i strategically got dogs that don't shed so i don't have to worry about that. Um, my husband is not one to be like, this needs, he's not putting added pressure on me to do X, Y, or Z, um, different things like that, but they do need to be groomed. Cause if they don't, they get super matted and then we're paying extra for group. You know what I'm saying? Like there are things that just, it just has to be done. Um, and then, you know, I don't know if because of the change of a new baby, um, we have two male dogs, so they can, they, they're like to mark their territory. So they started using the bathroom in the house and this, so I'm also cleaning that up. So it just like that, that's disgusting to me. So I was like, I don't want them in the house anymore. You know, like, um, so again, I was trying the compromise I'm like trying to come to, like, if I'm being honest, what I, I wanted to rehome the dogs, like that, that, that's the problem. I reached, I was like, I can't do this. Like as our son was getting older, um, I was like, he's going to start crawling soon. I don't want him to crawl around in this. Like it was just, you know, too much. And then my husband's like, no, like we're not doing that. So I'm like, okay, well what, again, like I get that. I know I'm being extreme. So like, what can we come to an agreement about? Like I suggested, can we like fence in, like we have a huge backyard and I said, can we fence in part of it? For the dogs and like, you know, let them out there to play, like while they're here and like, we have a basement too. So like they can come in and they can, the basement's air conditioned. So when it's hot, like, I'm not like just going to leave them out in like the hot sun all day. You know what I mean? Um, so that was like, that was the argument we came to. It was like, every time we talked about it, like we just, like, we couldn't talk about it. He would shut down. I would get frustrated. Like we just couldn't come to like an agreement about it. And so I was like, okay, let's talk about it. Um, What's the thing beneath that thing? The thing beneath, I, I feel like he doesn't care about me. Like. There it is. About my. Nope, nope, nope. Stay right there. That's a, that's a huge statement. Okay. And that's the real issue here. You have a big desire and a big want. And these two dogs are paying the price for that because the real issue is, since we've had this baby, I feel like you don't care. Yeah. Because I guarantee you, it's not just the dogs. What else is going on? Where else do you feel alone and isolated? Being a mom. Okay. Tell me about that. I just, um, I feel like I do everything. Um. Take the word feel off. Are you doing everything? Yes. Okay. Hold on. Own that. Because sometimes saying I feel softens it a little bit. Yeah. Have you? Oh, and also like, I don't, I'm not good at expressing like, like that. Okay. I mean, we've, we've been, we've been living together for a long time. Um, and, and I, and I mean, we've had talks along the way, but it's like, I have a hard time saying like, this is where this is specifically where I need your help, or this is what I want you to do. Or, you know, we've had the talk where he's like, I can't read your mind. Like you're going to have to tell me, you know, and it's like, um, it's just hard for me to, to say what I want, I guess. And where I, where I see this get into a figure eight loop. And by the way, you saying that out loud is really, it's reflective and it's, uh, it's important. So I appreciate you saying that. Okay. Sometimes people can't say things out loud because their partner spits it back in their face or gaslights lights them. Sometimes people can't say what they want because they had this picture that they were going to be a super mom or a super dad and admitting I need some support. I need some help, or I want some help. That's often the big thing is it's not that I, I, I can figure it out. I can do it. I want to feel like you're involved in this thing too. Yeah. And that's hard. That's it's hard to grasp that from, give me a chore list. I'll do the chore list. And so it gets to be this figure eight of, I can't read your mind. Well, I want you just to know what to do. And that would show me that you are in this with me. I don't know what to show you. So it like, it makes me feel like I can't read your mind. Like it becomes self-reinforcing, right? Yeah. The only path through that is, I hate to, I hate to do this to you. He's right on that. Yeah. your mind yeah but i would like it to frame it differently than a list of tasks for him to do because what he'll do is those exact tasks and then he'll go back to playing his video games or go back to hanging out in the basement playing his guitar or whatever he's doing and you're the sense that i'm doing this thing all alone will still be there yeah and so reframing it as here's how you can love me and how can i love you is really important and you practicing when he does do the laundry and he does folds it wrong that you're first that you begin practicing looking for celebration moments not for critique moments yeah yeah 'cause i hear this often husbands learn i'm just not gonna do it 'cause i don't ever do it right right you know what i mean that may not be your house but i hear that over and over dude i want to help with the dishes but i every time it's like you put this wrong here and you put that backwards and you should have done this and it's like dude then you do it but people are pretty simple creatures in that we often lean towards where we're celebrated and i think that's what i'm trying to say it's like i'm trying to say i'm trying to say this is what i want and so what is it in your spirit that makes it hard for you to say hey here's what i want here's what i want this week and by the way it changes so y'all getting together every week i'm gonna send you a pdf of a weekly meeting that me and my wife have that you and your husband can just start following it but needs change especially with a young kid y'all have a brand new marriage and so instead of trying to say it's your job to do laundry from now and forever it's your job to do laundry from now and forever it's like hey this week here's what i would really want and what do you want this week and so what is it about asking that question or saying what you want out loud what where does that come in your spirit why is that hard i don't know i don't because like i've tried to ask myself that because it's not like i feel like defeated like that that's not it like you know do you feel like i shouldn't have to tell him or do you feel there is some of that like we there is some of that like there's some things where like i told him i was like if you see me running his bath and like i'm holding him and getting the bath like what like what about that do you not think come help you know what i mean and he was that's when we got in a discussion about like i can't read your mind and i'm like okay so we came up with a thing where i say it's bath time and he's like i can't read your mind and he goes and runs the water like we came up with a thing where it's like okay like instead of me just expecting him to see me struggling and like jump in and save the day like we've got to come like i like i have to say it out loud you know because i was like do i have to say that every day and but anyways we came to an agreement with that i want to and you be honest with me up or down okay okay has there been things that he has reached into help and then he messed it up for instance um you just finished uh breastfeeding your baby you just finished feeding your baby and you're rocking and he comes and sticks his hand like let me have the baby and you're in the middle of a deep moment right or the baby's finally nodded off to sleep finally and he wants to balance the kid around and he got the look from you or the no not right now go right and so i get his lived experiences when mom and son are doing their thing i'm staying out yeah and so i i it's easy to pile up on either person yeah what i would like to do instead of making it character issues and morals if you have said hey i want your help here and he's like i ain't doing that that's a woman's work well yeah dude now we got a big problem right um or if you refuse i will not tell you what you're doing you're not doing your job you're not doing your job what i want you're supposed to just know well then now we got a big problem but the real issue right now in the exhaustion with the dogs and the baby and trying to navigate a new marriage he's back at work you're there what we really need is bath to get done let's solve for bath first feeling second yeah you get what i'm saying and what yeah i promise you if you lean towards if you orient celebration as much as a pain in the ass it's gonna feel like if you if he goes and runs the water and you just as he's walking out and you're walking in with a baby if you kiss him on the cheek and say thank you for on that water yeah if that was it that was it not it's too hot it's too cold why didn't you if it was just that if it was just that yeah i promise you that changes it becomes an invitation not a third rail and then when it comes back to these goofy dogs right the the meta question for me is have you sat down and said hey the story i'm making up is i'm in this all by myself the story i'm making up is is you would rather have these dogs than have a wife who can drop her shoulders and relax the story i'm telling myself is is that you think my request for them to go outside and to spend time in the air-conditioned basement is ridiculous and you're more content to be right than to have a wife who's loves being home is there stories i'm making up and those stories make me feel really sad and lonely and let him respond to those stories some point let's sit down let's get what we want and let's do our best to metabolize the feelings and then go do the next right thing otherwise we're going to get trapped in an endless cycle of inactivity frustration misery and big big heavy feelings let's sit down with them and tell them the story i'm making up is see where that goes we'll be right back all right we've got less than 90 days until the full weight of the holiday season is over and we're going to be back in just a moment and we're going to be back in just a moment and we're going to be back in just a moment and we're going to be back in just a moment upon us and you know how it goes every year as the calendar starts filling up you tell yourself i'm not going to let the holiday madness get to me this year i'm going to slow down and actually enjoy the holidays i'm going to actually be present not just physically in whatever room i happen to find myself in and then you're racing around to dinners parties kids activities it's madness and you're drained and the holidays become a burden i've done the same thing but here's one thing i've learned one of the best ways you can slow down and enjoy the holidays is by doing things that slow down and work on being present long before the holiday season hits is staying grounded in your spiritual life hallow is the number one christian prayer and meditation app in the world and i use it almost every day of my life for that very reason to ground myself in my spiritual life in my spiritual practices some mornings it's five minutes on the drive to work some nights it's a sleep prayer before bed whatever the moment is hallow helps me practice before the holidays takes everything from us and makes us all super busy i'm gonna stay committed and i'm gonna invite you to stay committed to practice being present with hallow you can try hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com slash deloney start now and hallow will be free for you to try through the holiday season that's hallow.com slash deloney all right kelly in her bright bright red shirt you look beautiful today kind of putting the vibe out what vibe is that thank you by the way what vibe though i'm curious so let's go to the am i the problem nicely nicely avoided just putting out the vibe all right just by the way when you said hey we got we have an am i the problem you laughed in your cynical way so no that's this is not a um trap deloney one again right okay and i'm not going to say exactly what yet but we're going to be changing up some am i the problems soon i'm actually pretty excited about this me too and getting a little more um listener interaction yes so stay tuned we'll be releasing that once we kind of iron out all the details i'm excited about it yeah all right so this is from joey in toronto maryland and he writes he says last week was my wife's birthday we had our in-laws her parents and her sister over for dinner pleasant conversation but things changed when my father-in-law started talking about a party that was happening the following weekend he said we should just show up uninvited because everyone should go even though we don't know the particular the people who are hosting the party my wife and i agreed that we will not be going however they decided to call and on speakerphone told the host as we were as he was waving me off that we would be going and the host said that was fine after the phone call ended i got upset but i didn't want to ruin my wife's birthday i tried to let it go and thought well we'll talk about it tomorrow about how rude this was however it boiled over as they were leaving and i lost my cool and shouted that i didn't like being put in a corner when i explicitly told you that we were not going now my wife is upset because I caused a scene and the guilt is unbearable. Am I the problem? You can't put baby in a corner. That's exactly what I thought when I said it. Yes, I'm going to say he's the problem. And here's why. He let his emotions get the best of him when somebody else was being a jackass. And like, here's the thing. Somebody can sit in front of you and say, you're going to go do this thing. And you can think in your head, I'm for sure not doing that thing. Or you can choose to go down the, you can't tell me what to do. If you're a child or if you're with a boss who has demands on you, even with a boss, you get to decide, well, am I going to do that thing or not? But unless you're a child, so yeah, I would say yes, it's on you. It's not on you for getting frustrated that your father-in-law is telling you what you're going to do. To me, the big issue isn't that I'm assuming he knew this guy and the guy wouldn't care. The bigger issue is my father-in-law saying, you're going to come do this thing next weekend. And I want to say, I'm a grown man and this is my house. I will decide what I go do next weekend. If you want to invite me, that's cool. And if it works out, that'd be great. But that to me is the bigger, is an issue. But yeah, you blowing up and you meeting childish with childish, yeah, that's on you. I would apologize to my wife, not for getting frustrated, but for me, not being emotionally regulated for not being able to, as the nerds say, self-soothe myself and kind of relax and then get on about my life. What do you think, Kelly? I agree. Yeah, I mean, the father-in-law was being an ass. Clearly you're like, no, we're good, thanks. Because especially if you don't know these people, that's kind of awkward. And then for them to be on the phone, whatever. But yeah, he, and I think he tried. He knew he should have kept his cool. And then it was like, he just, probably something was said as they were walking up the door and he was like, that was just, you can't put me in the corner. Yeah, I mean, and then people like repeat what you said, right? Not that what your father-in-law said or whatever. But my guess is, Kelly, father-in-law does this all the time. He's always telling them what they're going to do and when they're going to do it and where they're going to go. And so you and wife need to sit down and say, hey, we are the captains of our ship, not him. I didn't marry him, I married you. When he said the whole thing about father-in-law waving us off, I was like, oh, I could just see that. 100%. Yeah. Love you guys, bye. Bye.